#idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

I liked Kieran, maybe only because he reminded me of myself as a kid. Constantly feeling left out and being both harassed for everything you do do and never being trusted with anything to even proof yourself capable, like the knowledge about the truth about ogerpon. I still am, working on that, but was way more jealous of other people hanging out with my friends simply because I had so precious few. Idk how much it would have fucked with me if my verbally abusive older sister (I do also have one of those) simply decided that one of my friends was now one of hers instead and kicking me out while my friend isn't saying or doing anything to be like "no, actually I want to spend time with [anon] too".

Obviously his obsession with ogerpon and the following Drive to get stronger is pretty hyperbolic but I did also have a bit of that. Just rejecting everything, throwing everything back at everyone since it was, or at least felt, like its always my family and the people around me just throwing shit at me too. Did I overreact a bunch of times? Oh yeah for sure. Teenage tantrums will get ya, but I really did need that. Without it I don't think I would have ever learned to call out my family's abuse and other people treating me poorly. Since as a kid that just radiates low self esteem you seem to get treated like shit from just about everyone.

Anyway all that is to say, throwing around things like "I think this kid would shoot up a school if only he had access to guns" isn't, imho, great. And I don't even really particularly care about your instance rn, like it's a fictional character in a Pokémon game who cares. So sorry for being the one who got my rant lol. It's just something I've been seeing more of lately, people throwing "they'd shoot up a school" not only at fictional characters but actual human beings. Which I think is fucked. Thankfully no one ever said that to me, but I cannot imagine how hurtful that must be, like if we ignore all the other negative effects it has for a second, when your actual school life was hell enough to make you consider ending your own life, like it was for me, to just get thrown another brick at your head that people think you would be monster enough to murder people.

...well there's a lot to unpack here.

So first up, you have my genuine condolences for your extraordinarily shitty school life. You clearly had the very rough end of the stick, and it's clearly still hurting, and that sucks.

However. I am not thrilled that you just trauma dumped in my inbox because you over-projected onto a fictional character, and I'll ask you not to do that again. Particularly when your "rant" is explicitly aimed at trying to make me feel bad for criticising a fictional character that you, once again, have over-projected onto.

Like listen, I too had an extraordinarily shitty school life, and I also had very few friends (and at three separate extended points, a combination of Literally No Friends At All, AND Being Actively Targeted For Bullying; the first time around, the bullying was led by the class teacher, even.) I have very much been there, done that and got an entire t-shirt shop. But I still didn't come away from that feeling that I was entitled to other people liking me or wanting to be friends with me, because no one is obliged to like or be friends with anyone else. I may have occasionally felt jealous, but I didn't throw tantrums and demand perfect loyalty from the few friends I did make, because that would have been abusive as all hell and would have justly made them want nothing to do with me. And, crucially and relevantly to the fictional character in the fictional world that we are discussing, I did not fixate on someone I wanted to be my friend, see that they were afraid of me and wanted to be friends with someone else, and then throw such a tantrum about it that I physically fought that someone else for the 'rights' to that friend regardless of their consent in that matter, apparently with the intention of abducting them if I won. And on losing that fight, I did not storm off and start amassing a collection of stronger and stronger weapons so I could take over my school and prove my dominance over them, emotionally abusing anyone who couldn't keep up with me because of family problems along the way. I presume you did not either!

And if I had, then the trauma and loneliness I received would be irrelevant - actions borne of trauma are still actions, with real world consequences, and you are still responsible for them regardless of how bad you felt.

(I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but school shooters are people who are also lonely and often bullied. It's very interesting therefore that you dismiss them as "monsters" while demanding that all behaviour from such people up to the shooting be excused. But the issue with such people is the entitlement they feel and the abuse they therefore dish out. Shootings are just the most extreme symptom of that - they're far from the only symptom.)

I cannot stress this enough - you are not the fictional character of Kieran in the game Pokémon Scarlet and Violet. You did not make his choices, or perform his actions (I assume). Criticism of him is not criticism of you. No one is accusing you of being about to shoot up a school. You state that you don't care that he's a fictional character, but I'm afraid you very much should, because that is the crucial difference. I am sorry that you're seeing a lot of people accusing real life people of being school shooters, but that is not what has happened here, is it?

You're welcome to write back. But I'll warn you very clearly - I am absolutely not at home to you trauma dumping further, or trying to make me feel guilty for talking about a fictional character because you have over-projected and therefore are taking it personally. That is a You Problem, and I will block you without reading if you do.

However, I am going to finish by reiterating my very genuine sympathies for your school experience. It truly was an appalling time for me, and it seems like it was for you, too. I hope you can process that trauma now, and find peace.

[34saveme34]

SMG3's search history - what could it be???

my mind isn't the best rn (I'm sick) but this once again on my mind

And I think it's a bit trickier than we think but I'll try my best to list the possibilities

some important things to note about his search history:

Luigi liked whatever he was looking at

4 understood it faster than Mario. note the "What, I don't get it-"

emotional reactions 3 tends to have certain things (will get into it more)

the fact that he only really acknowledged 4 when he went back with the memory wiper

Mario commenting "what the hell was that search history" I hate you, Mario, you could've said something more interesting about it, that could give something away off of it.

So yeah, these were the things I wanted to point out

since Luigi liked whatever he was looking at, and we know this man likes men the most, especially big men, I think we can easily assume it was something gay. I'm sorry Jenny SlipperyT truthers, besides not like there isn't any gay mc porn so, still a chance

HOWEVER

something really important I want to point right back at "What, I don't get it-" Mario's comment is very specific here. If it was like raunchy ass hardcore gay porn, he wouldn't say that. He would've screamed immediately, being freaked out. So it's something REALLY weird that isn't immediately obvious. However 4 and Meggy knew way faster which gives away that maybe whatever 3 was looking at they were more familiar with.

Now, there's quite a few things that people in this show we've seen freaking out over. One being especially true is fanfiction, but

and here comes in my 3's preference thing- he didn't seem to like that stuff either, not even for a single second

However may I present to you..... something that might blow your mind...... something you maybe didn't think of

THIS episode

and actually the part that the thumbnail shows

when they are looking at the cakes

you might be like "But, dude, he is also flabbergasted about it?"

Really?

this ALWAYS struck me as odd

right after seeing that stuff, Mario is understandably under trauma while 3 immediately goes into planning to make cakes like that of himself

and Mario's reaction makes it feel like 3 wants to make them like the last ones, like yes you can interpret it in a different way, but my way of seeing it is also just as valid

aka the idea that 3 likes some weird ass shit, perhaps sometimes things that might not come off as sexual at first, or even cursed in some sense.

Now... the point you are waiting for me to address. The fact that he only really focused on 4. That gives me gay vibes, Idk how else to look at it. The idea that he was mainly scared of 4 seeing his search history doesn't help either. It only makes him look more gay. Like Mario and Meggy were literally right there, he could've said "Hi guys" he didn't have any noticable reason to only address 4. So what makes sense? That his search query had to do with 4 in some way. No other way to go about it. There's a thin sliver of chance that he only addressed 4 because he did search this weird shit on his computer and not anyone else's. But I don't think that's enough ground to make it more valid than it being connected to 4. Like, this reminds me of someone denying 4's queerness saying that the line "what will you do when you bring over a girl and/or boy?" as boy relates to the homies in a platonic way, as if, dude, keep being homophobic.

so what do we know?

it's gay

it isn't immediately noticable that it might be sexual in nature

it connects to 4 heavily

Now I present to you...... The combination of wonderbread and smg4

the wonderbread kind of fetish thing when you don't immediately realise there's a fetish going on, which fits well with 3's rather interesting taste

which might for example suggest perhaps characters that look similar to 4 in specific situation, it can go many ways but it has to be gay, considering Luigi's reaction, canonically said he is scared of women (in SMG4's search history)!

so yes what I'm saying is that 3 has some sort of weird fetish regarding 4 that definitely looks gay, he would definitely want to hide something like with his life after all

Although I still find it weird how comfortable 3 was to search that stuff at 4's computer

also might I point to also the fact he APPARENTLY has his credit card linked to 4's pc as well, as revealed during the 2023 wotfi prep stream??? he is AWFULLY comfortable at 4's pc

I don't know why he would that, like... he isn't actually stupid, were his feelings making him this stupid? Was he getting some kind of sick pleasure out of doing it at 4's room? We may never know, considering how stubborn 3 is and also a big damn liar

[thebindingofpillo]

when it comes to characters such as lazarus, do you think anyone could trust him with any sort of firearm? or like, does any character know how to use weapons? Esau, Lazarus, Samson, Judas, Eve, (and maybe Eden) look like they know how.

Oh boy now this is an interesting question mhmmm… First we need to keep in mind that my story doesn’t really take place in America. I didn’t really want my AU to take place in a *real* country, I intentionally kept it vague, so that people could fill in the blanks themselves. Reincarnation can take place wherever you want! But since I’m more familiar with Italian legislation, some of it might seep into my setting. Which means: guns are rare and difficult to obtain.

Funnily enough, I have an inside joke with my friend that Isaac owns at least one gun. The boy got tired of all the supernatural bullshit so now he’s fighting back.

With that being said: realistically, I think the only one with some expertise with guns would be Cain. He’s very old, he’s seen a lot of stuff, went through a lot of shit, and knowing how to protect oneself when faced with adversity is really important. He’s probably more used to older stuff tho, I can’t really see him with a high-tech automatic rifle. Maybe a tommy gun lmao. I don’t think he killed anyone else besides Abel tho, he doesn’t really want to go through that again.

As for the others you mentioned… Lazarus and guns seems like a terrible combination, knowing his chronic bad luck that thing would go off on him all the time. And while he can’t really die, accidentally shooting himself isn’t really something I’d wish upon him lol.

Judas would not trust himself with guns. At all. He’s already got some pretty strong self-destructive tendencies and Azazel would never allow a gun in their house. Judas has a problem with offing himself in every life, and Azazel always tries his damn best for it not to happen. He’s failed every single time, but that doesn’t deter him. He’s already pretty on edge with Judas living in a normal house with normal dangerous things (like knives) adding a gun to the equation would make Azazel explode immediately so that’s a big no no.

Esau strikes me as the type of guy who would know about weapons/guns but wouldn’t own them? Idk he doesn’t really seems like the type… Jacob might have an interest in Medieval weapons tho, he’s enough of a nerd for that. He probably tried to rope Esau into some historical reenactments but his brother wasn’t really having it. I can see Jacob taking on something like medieval fencing if he wasn’t disabled. Also Lazarus would make fun of him lol.

Samson wouldn’t really know his way around a gun or any other weapon, so he would be a danger to himself and others. Big no no.

Eve might know something about guns? Maybe her father was a cop, or a hunter. I could see that… tbf I didn’t really think about Eve’s parents, maybe this could be interesting! I can definitely see baby Eve looking at her dad cleaning and assembling his guns. The only gun she uses is the tattoo gun in her shop lol.

Maggy strikes me as a blunt force trauma girlie, she should have a warhammer. Or a crowbar, as a treat.

Lilith can’t see, so she wouldn’t even get close to a gun, or any type of weapon. Too risky.

Bethany is a wee baby, her defense mechanism is just curling up in a ball and hoping for the best.

OKAY now onto Eden and Azazel. They do absolutely know how to use weapons. Every angel has a weapon (usually a sword, Azazel and Eden both had swords) every angel is a warrior of God, and fighting demons is part of their purpose. So yeah, both Eden and Azazel (who used to be an angel) know their way around weapons, Azazel was quite the skilled warrior, and even used to create his own! When he first started living amongst humans he learned how to be a blacksmith and goldsmith, and he was really good at it. Azazel’s weapon is currently under archangel Michael’s care, and Eden lost theirs lol. As for guns, Azazel isn’t too fond of them and Eden wouldn’t really need them anyway even if they technically know how to fire one (they’re a Cherub, and Cherubim are omniscient).

Apollyon, being an angel, also knows how to fight but never ever had to in the billions and billions of years he existed. His main weapon is a spear that doubles as the Key for the Abyss.

[play-rough]

I was so nervous about kunikida giving Dazai a time out but when we find out he didn’t actually leave Dazai alone I felt a lot better. It’s not like kunikida knows about his past, so it’s not his fault. Plus he really validated babyzai and comforted him afterwards. (Personally I think timeouts are more suited to ranpo’s age but bless his heart for trying his best.)

Also I agree with the other person about Chuuya losing his mind over time out, and it leads to Kunikida never giving dazai one again and finding other ways to help discipline the baby otter. Discipline (when done appropriately) helps guide kids so kunikida would probably feel bad that it’s a traumatic experience but want to make sure he’s doing things safely. Kunikida is alllllll about safety and procedure with babyzai and ranpo 💯💯

-🦕

Looking back i almost wish i did a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit of kunikida pov, because in my mind he was like ‘oh shit you weren’t supposed to panic’ and probably felt really bad about the whole scenario 😭 i forget sometimes that the reader isn’t in my mind with me akhrhejsjjdhdjsjs but i wanted to do exclusively Dazai pov in the Ada verse and i didn’t want one to stick out… idk maybe I’m overthinking it and no one would have noticed lmaoooo

I’m glad it still comes across as a well meaning caregiver not realizing he’s stepping on a personal trauma landmine haha. Kunikida probably won’t give Dazai another time out, combination of ‘Kunikida realizes is probably not worth causing Dazai so much distress’ and ‘author can’t come up with another scenario that warrants punishment’ 😭😭😭😭

Also he’s probably learned not to leave the kids alone in time out from ranpo lmao, i bet he’d be one of those kids to just decide when his own time out is over and leave 😭

[nerdy-frog98]

Finished s1 of 911: Lone Star. My initial thoughts (these are personal opinions and are subject to change);

-TK and Carlos are very cute, but we got soooooo little of their story that I was getting frustrated by it. They’re boyfriends by the end of season 1, but we got so little development with them that I was just like “oh. that’s it? hm, okay. cute.” TK and Carlos individually are amazing though.

-Actually, I was getting frustrated at the overall lack of storylines for everyone except Owen and Michelle. They would do one tiny storyline for each character then never focus on them again (like Marjan and the storyline with the mosque slut-shaming her. I need more of that shit and less of whatever is going on with Owen).

-Owen rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to Bobby, but his ego is too much for me. He’s always gotta be the hero, the center of attention. Does he get better? I do like him when he’s with TK! He’s a good dad, just a very annoying person generally.

-I love Judd and Grace! They’re very sweet. It took me a min to warm up to them, but they’re probably my favorites. Probably because they’re the only characters besides Michelle and Owen getting any screen time lmao. Maybe a hot take, but Grace as a dispatcher has the same energy as Abby as a dispatcher. No, I will not elaborate.

-The emergencies do have the same vibe (and I like that we get to see the other characters shine a bit during the emergencies). Would like to see more of the team doing rescues together though.

-As a deconstructing ex-Christian, the amount of religion within this show makes me very ✨uncomfy✨. I am aware that Texas be like that, so I am doing my best to accept it for what it is. However, there are moments like when Judd was refusing to go to church because of trauma and Grace guilting him into going…that do nawttt sit right with me. This is very liberal for being a texas yee-haw show though, so I’m a little more forgiving of that. [& the emergency in the second episode with the lady who was racist, transphobic, and homophobic - that was probably the funniest thing to happen in both the 9-1-1’s combined. Probs wouldn’t have happened in LA, California]

- Overall, I’m mildly underwhelmed by it. The premise is really good and I like most of the characters. I am mostly hoping the stories get better (more development). It was a short season, so maybe that’s what it was. idk. I’m optimistic.

I went into the og 9-1-1 with some pre-knowledge of characters and a few storylines spoiled for me. The only thing I know about 9-1-1 lone star is that TK & Carlos get married eventually. I know nothing else of literally any other character or storyline. So. 🙏🏼

Also the crossover episode is in season 2, so I am absolutely looking forward to seeing that again.

[sanasanakun]

I was reading your post about how Gortash is so polarizing in how people respond to him and while I don’t have an answer, I can weigh in on the side of thinking he’s attractive and not understanding some of the complaints people have. I try to see what it is that makes some people go ewwww no way but I don’t see what they do. For example a lot of people will say he looks dirty and I feel like I’m missing something completely. He looks unkempt but his hair looks shiny and clean and there’s no stains on his clothes. There’s scars and age marks and stubble on his skin, but I don’t read that as dirt (maybe I’m wrong)? His teeth aren’t perfectly white but thats the case for anyone who drinks coffee or tea so that doesn’t mean anything about hygiene. It also feels like people mistake his skin for just being dirty instead of not pasty white. Also when I see comments about “this guy must smell bad” and I immediately think of that journalist who made a remark about zendaya smelling like patchouli and weed because it feels like it’s coming from the same mindset and is sometimes word for word literally just that. This isn’t even touching on the fact that he’s got wrinkles and dark under eyes and signs of age and trauma that aren’t cute or superficial. I’m saying that the haters are all racist or ageist but I think there’s some biases at play and no one feels like they need to think about it too deeply because he’s an antagonist.

Yeah, I definitely agree with your takes here. I’m also someone who thinks he’s attractive and never really had a problem with his design. I don’t really care for the hair and think it’s a little goofy, but overall he’s very handsome (and the outfit is drippy af).

I will say that his model actually DOES have dirt on his face. Like those spots are the in game dirt feature (idk if that’s the right word). I’m not sure if that’s to have age spots or show that he’s a little disheveled, but yeah he is actually dirty in game lol but I’m with you in never thinking that he was dirty or smelled bad. But he doesn’t look like an archduke and I think that’s the point of his design; he’s a fraud and a tyrant (aka a bad leader).

And I definitely think a lot of the criticism for his design comes from racism and ageism. And I’ll preface this by saying that I’ve always read Gortash as being inspired by Turkish and Bulgarian people looks-wise. The constant insults of calling him disgusting or dirty make me side eye cause I do think it comes from his darker complexion and “unconventional” features that are more common in Türkiye and the Balkans.

Like I can only speak as a Bulgarian, but people in Western Europe treat us like shit. They call us dirty, untrustworthy, mafioso, ugly, etc. like Western Europeans fucking hate us. In America, it’s not as bad but we still have a negative image (in my experience. I’ve been told I’m poor and from a country that shouldn’t exist before). And I’m very white, so I can’t even imagine what it’s like for those with darker skin tones. So, I think people carry this bias against people that look like Gort and don’t think deeper about it when they say these things (or redesign him). I find it very hurtful tbh because I really loved seeing a character that looked like him. He’s very unique amongst the other character models.

And obvs, ageism is a huge problem that people also won’t confront with themselves. And all this combined with bad media literacy (imo) like they cannot get over the “young and handsome” part for some reason and it’s so annoying.

Anyway, I’m rambling and prob not making a lot of sense cause I’m tired lol but yes! I agree with you. Luckily, it seems like Gort has a pretty sizable fanbase and a lot of people love him! So, it’s not all bad. But I wish people would maybe think a bit longer about some of their opinions on him. Cause he’s a horrible person! But we don’t need to constantly call him dirty or disgusting or whatever. But that’s just where I stand on this whole thing.

[circumlocutive]

My Adderall is hitting and I just wanna shit this text post out before I start work.

I don't think there's a practical point to this kind of navel gazing at this stage in my life, and really it's more of a symptom of an issue in psychiatry with labeling phenotypic categories that don't have much correlation to biochemical mechanisms. But. I do still wonder about whether my avolition and related executive dysfunction/motivation crisis is " better " characterized as a CPTSD thing than an ADHD thing. And whether that should play a role in my expectations for functioning.

Like functionally I'm still going to treat my symptoms the same either way (it doesn't respond to CBT, DBT, or a few diff antidepressants, but does respond adequately [if inconsistently] to stimulants), so from a pragmatic angle fussing over which label is better is not useful to me. It's mostly identity wanking - unless the labels can implicate something actionable, all they really seem to do is saddle you with their sociocultural baggage.

I'd say I have evidence suggesting a genetic predisposition to ADHD traits (which I generally conceptualize based on handling in the broader psych literature as an innate/biological/"nature" [as in nature vs nurture] based thing, like the impairments are there whether or not the environment is good or bad though of course environment influences the final result). My dad is very ADHD and was long before he was a combat veteran if you listen to stories from his family, my dad was adopted bc he had a teen mom so highly likely she had something up too, and my brother is so textbook autism (and autism and ADHD genes run around skipping hand in hand) (stimulant side note these are not definitive scientific correlations I'm making here, autism looking presentation could be related to my brother being abused too and having far less social support, could be related to my mother's psychotic lineage [autism and schizo/bipolar/psychotic spec genes also run around skipping hand in hand], could be a lot of shit).

On the other hand, it is so obvious I have CPTSD (which I conceptualize as a nurture based, acquired dysfunction that does also alter your "nature" in the sense it affects your genetic expression. But while trauma will change your innate biochemical settings, I see the biggest distinction from ADHD in that cptsd wouldn't manifest without external initiation). In the narrative of my life, my current difficulty with motivation makes more sense as. Well. Something to do with living in constant fear for my life in my developmental period. How can I find anything as compelling or salient as preserving my life against a direct, explicit, and omnipresent threat. How am I supposed to give a fuck about tasks if no one is breaking plates over my head about them or depriving me of food and shelter. My whole risk reward system calibration is fuuuucked.

Realistically, I have issues with emotional regulation/motivation/self care because of the combination. I probably do have congenital neurological differences inherited from my parents, and then the extreme circumstances of my youth made for maladaptive neurological conditioning (think in the firing/electrical circuitry) + hormonal release + epigenetic changes + downstream effects that further stunted my prefrontal cortex and amygdala and striatum and whatever structures associated with emotion and reward. Some of the conditioning may be reversible with therapy/safe life experiences but the baseline performance won't be adjusted without biochemical intervention. Maybe that should play a role in setting my expectations for my performance and "improvement" over time.

Idk I have more feelings about labels and the ways they change our perception of the bio phenomena underlying "mental illness" and the self, but I need to do work instead of wasting hours getting the words out and refining them

[moondal514]

Ok I’m going to rant about something aftg fandom-related that’s honestly not a big deal but it bothers me

TW: eating disorders

So quick note for transparency: i don’t read fics dealing with eating disorders/diet and weight angst that much cuz it’s one of the few tropes out there that I really can’t handle all of the time. Of course, there are exceptions, especially in the aftg fandom where I’ll read nearly anything if you slap an Andreil label on it. I wanna rant about some of those exceptions I’ve read, specifically something about them that I’m very bothered by. Namely, if there is a character with an eating disorder in an aftg fic…why is it usually Neil?

Like what about Neil as a character screams give this man an eating disorder? Is it just cuz he’s the main character? Is it a bad handover from the side of the fandom that likes to feminize him? Is it a fanon!Neil thing? Like truly I’m genuinely baffled by this because canonically the man eats basically anything put in front of him. I genuinely can’t recall if there’s a single moment in canon where Neil refuses to eat something (not counting his refusal to eat sweet things cuz he’s not a fan of them), so to have this whole side of the fandom that’s randomly decided to give him issues with food…why?? Does the man not have enough neuroses already?? Is all the canonical torture he gets not good enough for you?? (obligatory disclaimer: I personally hate adding trauma to Neil when he already goes through so much in canon) Like why??? Seriously. Why???

But more than that, I genuinely don’t understand why a writer would choose to explore eating disorders through Neil when there are like…so many better options of characters to do that with. Like if I were to write an eating disorder fic, Neil would probably be at the bottom of my list for characters I would center the fic around. There are just so many other characters that would to me make more canonical sense to write about having an eating disorder.

Like Allison! Hello??? It’s literally a canonical part of her backstory! Why tf would you fuck around with Neil having an eating disorder when there’s a whole ass Allison who literally had to be put in a clinic to recover right there??? You could write about her entire backstory or, if you really wanted to be angsty, write about her relapsing. That could be dramatic

Or maybe a writer wants to explore men having eating disorders, cuz it’s true the social dynamics/pressures are different for male eating disorders compared to female eating disorders. Ok then, Kevin is right there!!! Like this man is so obsessed with exy that it seeps into his eating practices. He’s so canonically super strictly diet oriented that it really wouldn’t be that much of a stretch for it to turn into disordered eating. Maybe it’s a part of his Nest trauma or something, idk

And of course, who is the character with canonically conspicuously weird eating habits? That’s right, Andrew! That habit he has of tearing up his food into tiny bits? That’s a classic eating disorder tell. When he’s on his meds, we know his diet is fucked up by them, as demonstrated by the scenes where everyone’s eating at Abby’s and Neil notices Andrew hasn’t touched his food. Andrew is a character that is both self-destructive and has control issues, a combination that would lend itself unfortunately well to an eating disorder. Simultaneously quiet self-destruction and a way to exert control over his own body, very Andrew yeah?

Maybe a writer doesn’t wanna write about the Foxes though. Maybe a writer wants to write about the Ravens. Ok. Jean motherfucking Moreau is Right. There. The guy goes through so much fucked up shit in the Nest that isn’t really greatly detailed in canon, so why not add an eating disorder to the mix?

TL;DR: I’m bothered that all the fics in this fandom that center around eating disorders seem to always be about Neil and it makes no sense cuz there are imo much better characters in aftg that are better options for writers to explore these concepts with

Disclaimer: obviously no hate to anyone who has written or does write fics where Neil has an eating disorder. I’ve read many excellent fics with that concept. I’m just trying to understand why they are so overrepresented

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

cw// vent below the cut!

no outright triggering content mentioned but references to trauma/ptsd (this is vaguely selfship related i promise snjkfhfndsj).

LONG, sorry . beware! but i've been trying to examine myself a little more closely lately and i just got carried away ig

i sort of always feel like i'm alone in this, i guess i was wondering if anyone else feels the same way in any capacity?

so i've always been a really naturally creative person; when i was younger i was the kid that was always doodling all over their assignments; i would win art and writing contests, stuff like that. it's a lot of artists and imaginative ppl on here specially in the selfship community, so i'm sure y'all will understand this, but being "creative" was kind of literally my entire identity growing up. i preferred fiction to reality and never understood how to get along with the other kids, so it became my escape , whether i was creating or consuming media. it was , in entirety, who i was.

except when i got a little older, i went through a traumatic event. i won't get into specifics, but i was diagnosed with ptsd among other things. and i pretty much blocked it all out! only recently, years later, have i started to realize the effects the trauma actually had on me.

i noticed that my creativity is basically GONE. i'm unable to come up with plotlines in my head; only when i'm very strictly guided by a pre-determined objective or assignment requirement. when i was younger i could write elaborate fantasy storylines with dragons n shit, fully fleshed out character archetypes and interactions, but now it's like my mind is a total fucking blank. NOTHING comes up. especially dialogue; i'm just not capable of imagining it. art is the same way.

it's honestly insane. i don't even remember what it was like to have natural imagination. i miss it more than anything and i feel like i've lost something intensely important. not to mention how ingrained it was in my identity. it's all i was, yet it all stopped after i experienced trauma.

i feel so alone, and it really ties into my relationship with self-shipping. as much comfort as self-shipping brings me, i feel so very invalidated by the fact that i'm not able to create or write content for my ship. i try, but i just can't do it in the end. i see others that make these beautiful drawings or these deep meaningful fanfics and i feel so guilty. like i'm less dedicated, and it makes my relationship/my account less valid, not only to myself but to everyone else. my f/o deserves more than that, but i can't give it to them. in real life, they'd probably be with someone else who could instead. yk that sort of thing :'( it's a whole rabbit hole of thinking that i'll just cut off now but yeah u get the point. super guilty.

i could go on with this for hours but it's already super long. but yeah. the original intention of this blog was for me to try writing again but in a way that was comfortable and safe for me, by combining it w my biggest coping mechanism LOL. i've made some baby steps in my drafts but we'll see how it goes ig. just wanted to get this off my chest and see if maybe anyone else has had a similar experience, idk it just makes me feel so guilty and like i'm a fraud of myself in general :'3

[nosolaceofastraightanswer]

“tua s1 is unrivaled by the other seasons and it’s valid to say that s2 and s3 ruined a lot of the mood, story, and characterization of the characters it depicted” and “s2 and s3 added amazing characters and intriguing ideas and storylines to the plot” are two opinions that can and should coexist.

i think that the combination of the fact that covid was prevalent while all this was going on, the fact that like so much time passed between the seasons, and the fact that after the success of the first season the writers tried to go in a different direction made it so in the end, the whole show kind of fell apart in certain ways.

i have an allison s3 analysis post in drafts somewhere talking abt how the disconnect between seasons 1 and 3 was too wide. they were trying to do the same things in s3 as s1, but the mood was just :|

if they had managed to have that poignant first season, fun shenanigans in the 60s to set up a good finale season and add more characters (because while the focus on viktor in s1 was great, it left some of the other characters a little out of the spotlight NOT THAT IT WASNT THE RIGHT CHOICE for the story they were trying to tell and how, i think it worked really well, but still) and then FINISH the series with a third season that brings everyone together and is the climax of all of the trauma and conflict that has transpired since the beginning, then the series would’ve worked.

and maybe that’s what they were trying to do? but it didn’t end up that way at all. if they had circled back around and adresses a lot of things in a better way, i.e. not just have allison’s shit from s1 brought up bc it makes her look not so good bc NO ONE ELSE IS REACTING OR MENTIONING ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED S1 OR EVEN S2, not really.

like lila is one of my favorite characters and i think the kind of storylines she was having s2 and s3 were very compelling and the type of thing that fit more of s1’s style.

her learning that her mother ordered her parents to be assassinated, she’s only been a weapon the whole time, then she’s pregnant but she has abandonment issues fr so she has this ridiculous fake son set up that actually works, MM GOOD SOUP. more lila analysis pls bc i am not home at words lmao. there are some damn good writers for dielila that touch on these things, and THANK YOU!! slay.

like there are a lot of good things abt the seasons after s1, but overall it’s kinda mid ngl. still gonna watch s4 tho, not like i have anything else to do.

but idk what the moral of the story is here?? ig look at the part at the top (so long ago lol). if anyone even reads this, hi! thanks for reading <3 i am losing my mind. have a ☂️🌂⛱️ omg that’s actually so many umbrellas why r there so many umbrella emojis lmaooo anyways. byeeeee! :))

[shooks-stupid-stuff]

ok real quick general webcomic idea post:

so basically, i had an idea a while back while working on my own interpretation of hell/the afterlife in general for a separate thing, that pretty much boils down to funny slice-of-life office shenanigans but all the characters are some sort of yokai/demon/other supernatural being (with a few exceptions) and it was just. very chill and mainly character focused with no real plot but some like multiple part comics and maybe more story-heavy character backstory specials every so often or something.

i thought it'd be fun, it combines like, a lot of shit i like (it has elements similar to touhou AND random christian symbolism, truly the shook bingo card) plus i get to design fun characters and just do dumb shit with them which is My Favorite

idk this is probably a horrible explanation cjbcvj but uhhh have some design concepts and a rough formatting mock-up, ill talk about this more tmmrw probably bc lord knows i am going to get no sleep at this rate-

(edit from a year and a half into the future: man it's really funny how little from takoshi's original concept art still applies. like, the general premise is the same but like aside from that he just. really isn't the same guy hfndkfkd- like modern takoshi is not actually a stupid asshole fuckboy (he just acts like on bc Trauma Reasons), he does not have any powers, i dropped whole demon sigil thing like 3 months after making him, and soon enough even if design won't be the same lol (corporate hell takoshi really needs a redesign). characters really do grow and change as you develop them huh lol-

...he does still belong in horny jail tho that's still correct (just slightly less so than before))

yeah that's about all i can think of for now uhhh feel free to send questions about anything!!! i would love to rant incoherently about this!!!

[yomiurinikei]

rei mekaru (shocker i know)

we r ginger liker solidarity.... yuuki/yuki likers and rei likers need to come together and be allied...

~*~

My identity hc for them

oh shit tumblr is auto formatting in bullet points thats fun. uhhh w/rei i pretty much like any combination of ace/aro spec + lesbian. 100% lesbian rei? aro lesbian rei? aroace rei? all epic all amazing. i started hc'ing this back in like.. vv early sdra days. and i think its just part of who i am now... i think she doesnt really experience much attraction in general and has a bit of a hard time labeling how she feels because. of her general emotional trauma. so tbh i can see her kinda rotating through labels? i think she keeps it very to her self tho. she doesn't like people assuming she's cishet but she also doesn't want to come out as straightn't, so she just snaps at people who try and drag her into convos about identity.

similarly i think she struggles with really.. going "wow this is so me this is exactly what i am" when it comes to gender identity. i think she's very.. "well im Definitely not a guy, and i dont think im anything else, so..." ie, she's more prone to defining herself by what she isn't than what she is. which is perfectly okay!!! i don't think she'd consider herself trans, but she may occasionally like the label genderqueer. (yes i know that trans people r anyone who's gender deviates from what they were told they should be, but while it is an umbrella term, people can decide if they like it for themselves a lot! and i don't think rei would really like any label other than "idk man its weird", which she likes to use on/off) again tho i dont think she's very into sharing that with people, at least as a teen.

Thoughts on their home life/family

im so curious what her time was like when she was all alone??? i think that's something thats fairly unexplored, is her time between her parents not being able to care for her, and her becoming self-sufficient. ultimately i dont have much to say here, i like how linuj handled her backstory, i just think it wouldve been cool to see more of it, not that there was any good place to write it in, but i love bonus modes and would like to see maybe how the dra survivors coped w/what they learned in the sixth trial in a bonus mode about how the kisa foundation became what it is now.

How i feel about their canonical writing/handling

mmm... tbh. i like rei, i think her growth from dra to sdra2 was handled well- she still feels like rei, while also serving her narrative role- ie. there's not much you can do when shawty gets exploded in the prologue and then has to play second fiddle to tsurugis viola of fucking evil. sadly, we can't do much with the kisa foundation and showing how rei and tsurugi have changed and have the pacing of the chapter still be intact, when we see rei, its mostly just her being voice of reason because someone has to give exposition on what the foundation knows while tsurugi has a meltdown. i think her development feels authentic and natural, if she maybe feels a biiit.. i dont know how to word it, but she almost feels a bit too calm? less snarky at points than i'd think she'd be, and than what i'd like to see. but again, we can explain that as being due to the role she has to play for the story.

ultimately, while not necessarily my cup of tea, i'm just not prone to latching onto characters like rei a whole lot! i def think she's handled well, oddly well for linuj in general, and v oddly well for a female character written by linuj. i like her, im just not brain rotted about her

The one thing i’d want to make canon about them

hmmmmm... im not gonna lie i can't really think of anything? after thinking about it while i typed up. essentially the whole rest of this post, i think it'd be cool if she and kabuya were friends after sdra2. yuuki is... .... ..........lets not talk about what hes up to, syobai and iroha are just a whole fucking mess. theyre a bit busy dealing with heads in boxes. and tsurugi is just sooo normal he's too normal really.

so i think they could meet and chat about how Fucking Insane the games were, in a way that other kg survivors wouldnt get, since they didnt have to deal with divine luck and what it does to people. also seeing as akane saved rei in dra and then. ya know. Soruko. i think that'd be a interesting convo for them to have, both kinda understanding more about akane taira. i think that'd be really neat!

My number one favorite ship for them

hm.... reikako by default of i dont think much about rei ships, and they have a significant amount of canon material. i do wonder though what their relationship was like pre-despair, it feels like a lot of the school life info we have is on utsuro or tsurugi? buuut yeah. also as kinda established i think rei is uncertain where she stands on attraction/her thoughts change a lot and. yeah. so this is less a romantic thing and moreso i want inside linujs brain so i can know what he thinks except he like. officially has stated he doesnt know shit abt sdra anymore which is SO UPSETTING

…Now everyone else i ship with them

i think rei/kizuna/kiyoka could be cute!!! also i kinda just like giving akane gfs, and i don't really think they'd be that compatible, but i think if they had a weird little queercoded friendship for like. the duration of one year during their stay at hpa, and it leaves akane feeling more confident and comfortable with herself as her own person, and leaves rei with a LOT of questions, while they also never really cross the line between friends and something more, that'd be cool and fun. just normal gals being pals things.

The thing i will NEVER ship

im so sorry. 2020 sdrainsta has made me incapable of terurei propaganda. i support people who ship it as a matter of fact im so glad we r now in a place where people can ship it or not ship it and everyone can just be fine and happy. but i dont think ill ever be able to see the vision.

a dynamic/relationship i wish was explored more (in canon, or in fandom)

i wish in sdra2 we saw more on the dynamic that grew between rei and mikako in dra. i think it'd be cool to see that discussed a bit more seeing how it was. mikakos in game memories that formed the basis for sora iirc.

thoughts on their design (appearance-wise)

mmm...... why the fuck did linuj use so much blue in the dra cast color palettes... i remember i had this dentist appointment that was really evil and like. literal hours longer than it was supposed to be, and to try and distract myself i went through the cast and counted who had blue in their design and who didnt. it took a long time because i was in so so so much pain but like. iirc its just mikako akane and yuki. and also mikako wears blue in ch4. so. THATS NOT RELEVANT THOUGH.

uhhhh. im not a huge fan of her outfit just because i dont like the skirt. her og design was a school uniform and i think it kinda shows and im not a huge fan of it? my brain keeps getting mixed up on the length of her skirt but yeah. its just so vibrant and pigmented and so is her hair and its like. the lower half of her fit just feels so high school uniform and i dont really like it. i think her hair is super cute in the bonus sketch (the just-woke-up one) on her character sheet tho.

i also don't really like her fit in sdra2. i think the labcoat is super nice (i like the ombre effect it looks good) and while its not too practical i dont hate the vest short skirt tights combo. but im not a fan of the color palette, its just so dark, so u have her bright hair and the bright coat, but the dark grey and black, in vertical stripes just kinda dominates it in my brain. and i don't really like it? i really dont like the grey with her hair.

she is very pretty. but im not a fan of the fits linuj puts her into

A music-related thought- a song that reminds me of them, or what their music taste is, etc

hmmm.. this is a very foreign concept to me but i dont think reis huge on music. i think for the most part she listens to songs she has memories associated with- she doesn't seem huge on the arts or. ya know. emotional connection? so i think while she wouldn't really vibe with anything particular of her own accord, listening to music which was playing when something emotional happened to her both improves the music, and also. helps her with being in touch with her emotions and letting herself feel. if that makes sense?

[eradicatetehnormal]

KH Is a Weird Series For Me

I don't interact with any other fandom the same way I interact with other fandoms, or interact with other fandoms at all. IDK, if people who've looked through my blog or follow me know I like other shit, like Persona, the Black Phone, the 1990's Powerpuff Girls, KHR!, KLK, Heathers the movie and musical, etc.

Characters that I usually wouldn't like are all of a sudden likable to me. Namely Sora. In any other series, he'd be one of my least favorite characters. A simple character who goes through a lot of trauma but remains positive through it all would be boring and uninteresting to me in any other series. GO OFF GODDAMNIT, DON'T TAKE THAT DISRESPECT! But for some reason, it just works for me in KH. Maybe it's because it's a Disney game or maybe it's because he's surrounded by edgelords, but I can't help but feel he's a great character.

The same goes for Ventus. His innocence combined with his tragic past and present just wouldn't do it for me. Normally, Aqua would've been my undisputed favorite character of BBS, but Ven just had a charm for him that's perfect for KH (IMO).

[swordfaery]

Hiii i was tagged by @protectoroffaeries

Rules: shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and post the first 10 tracks, then list 10 songs you really like, each by a different artist. then tag 10 people to do the same thing.

i wanted to talk about everything so im putting it all under a readmore

on repeat:

good girls don't get used by beach bunny (ok so i listen to a lot of beach bunny. like a lot. i dont know why but it has that bpd swag and literally no else feels this theyre like its just cookie cutter straight girl music and Maybe It Is but i like. big fan of sports also would not surprised if that also crops up)

crooked teeth by death cab for cutie (this is my current favourite song. literally i hear it n im like hehe my song, n idk why i dont really like any of their other stuff)

steady, as she goes by the raconteurs (this is just bcos i like indie rock)

what went down by foals (ok. ok. this FUCKING album i have so many emotions about im like wow this album is literally about me for real and it is not in the slightest but anyway if you also like it talk to me about it im always like i am going to ANALYSE THE SHIT out of this album n ill get to like. birch trees n realise i dont know shit about music i just like the way the repeating motif combines with the sense of regret and going back to ur roots n shit)

up to no good by the hoosiers (literally i just love the undulating instrumentals in this ESPECIALLY the intro)

like sexy dynamite by orion expirience (im such a slut for orion expirience i love all their jazzy stuff n again. feels bpd coded n idk why potenially just the art of writing a song about being obsessed with someone and all the emotions in music are kinda close to how my intense bpd times feel. sorry ive been trying to tone down my bpd talk bcos i think its not helpful or fun for anyone but w music its like. oh this is bcos im boarderline this is bcos im boarderline. this post is gonna be so long im so sorry i will tag it)

chevvy thunder by spector (im just a big fan of this it goes so hard n the. suicide fakeouts w the enjambment really fuckin. i just love it)

goodbye mr a by the hoosiers (again. hoosiers got a great sound)

curses by the crane wives (musically very intersting i love the up n down of it idk how to explain it but it feels like sort of. a bobbing kinda dance)

little dark age by mgmt (i tried to get into dubstep bcos of donnie from rise tmnt. i do not know what dubstep is. it isnt this)

like all by different artists. this doesnt have to be different from artists in the og list right? i hope not

dance music by the mountain goats (i discovered this song like yesterday and oooh boy)

supermassive black hole by muse

lonely hunter by foals (again. what went down album. iconic. this one has the line love is not a gun in your hands though and aughhh)

i dare you by the regrettes (literally just a delightful love song that isnt about being gay but i think it is)

the main character by will wood (bpd)

cold weather by glass beach (bpd)

oh girl your the devil by mika (the no place in heaven album is fucking. chefs kiss. im obsessed with its like being gay, religious trauma, pop but with a funky style. incredible)

bad idea by girl in red (im just gay and make bad sexual decisions)

i dont care by fall out boy (bpd)

moth man by dirty bynam (this one is just fun)

okayyy im tagging @phantomxblood @teddybear-tebbydear @lemondoddle @alfredolover119 @lasilhouetteinbianco @jamesspidercat @kirkwords @thatsrightzoeyeyye @morgan-is-here @bookshelpwithmysocialanxiety

[mildew-mop]

cw: vent. click to read.

I really hate the idea that """painkillers""" and """antidepressants""" are anything more than just 100% placebos. Whenever I try to talk about this, I get accused of being a liar or a conspiracy theorist or some shit. No. The actual fucking bullshit conspiracy is that """pain medication""" actually does anything for pain. It does not. Either every single time I have consumed any form of pain med throughout my entire life, it has been a complete dud, or maybe they don't fucking do shit. """Antidepressants"" have never made me not depressed and not want to die. The only reason I'm alive at this point is because I'm a coward, and it would make my partner upset. The whole fucking medical industry is a fucking scam. The idea that medication is useful is so fucking bullshit. And even if it did fucking work (which there is no way it does) it is not like you can get it in the United States unless you have like fucking magical abilities because psychiatrists and other doctors are violently allergic to actually listening to patients or helping them. They all literally care about two things, money, and getting you to shut the fuck up and go away. They could care less if you live or die or actually need help. I fucking HATE therapists and social workers. They are fine with you potentially killing yourself, so long as it means they don't have to deal with you anymore and it is bullshit. I have never acted with any kind of doctor whatsoever and had them not be a piece of shit.

When I was forced to get ear surgery (I forget what it was for but I think it was supposed to fix my hearing and I was highly pressured to get it when I was 14 without understanding much about it) the surgery left me in severe pain for more than a month of recovery. When I had a follow up appointment to check my hearing, my results were so bad that I was told that I was lying for attention, and actually the surgery was a success and my hearing was fine.

When I finally managed to get top surgery, I was fucking traumatized in the hospital bed cause I was all prepped and shit and ready and this fucking piece of shit asshole surgeon comes out and is like "oh you have to have stopped testosterone before surgery, go home and we'll reschedule" which isn't even a really medically necessary requirement or anything, just his random bullshit preference. Sure he ended up doing a good job but this combined with some other weird shit (he was a top surgeon who somehow didn't know what gender dysphoria was?? Idk he was the best option available) idk that fucking upset me.

Last time I went to the mental hospital, I was isolated, and forced to have the shittiest room (it had a window so anyone could look in and the curtain was super thin and on the outside so it let in so much hallway light that I could not sleep, also the room had only a bed so I had to put all my stuff on the floor even though all the other rooms had shelves and I was lied to and kept expecting new furniture) BECAUSE I AM TRANS. Even the other single rooms were bigger and nicer. I was told that the policy was because I am transitioning and it was heavily implied it was because I might assault someone. I was forced into the shittiest room, I think intended for those on suicide watch(?) because I was inherently seen as a predator because I have had top surgery and am on Testosterone. Speaking of that shitty fucking hospital, they did not set me up with any help once I left like they said they would. They just fucking made an account for me on this app called "Aptihealth" which I do not think qualifies as healthcare and should be shut down.

Literally every therapist I have ever had is identical. They sit there and listen to you talk about your trauma, and then they go "oh you mentioned you have a pet. tell me about the pet" and then give you no advice on anything, and encourage you to direct the conversation to bullshit that does not matter, tell you to solve your own problems, and then go "well we're reaching the end of the session, does this time next week work for you?" Like ok, I guess that discussing fucking random tv shows or other fun shit is more enjoyable of trying to work through how my father raped me as a child but why am I paying you $20 I cannot afford because I have no income, and getting assistance takes fucking forever, and I cannot be alone or unsupervised without having a full on mental breakdown for you to ask me what discord is when I randomly bring it up. I swear to god the number of fucking therapists that hear me mention a social media site, and go "oh what's that? explain it in detail" when I mention it as part of explaining something else. Shut the fuck up you old fucking cunt and give me resources to help me with my issues other than some shit you found off page one of Google that I already tried and know does not work.

Ok so there was one "therapist" that wasn't like this, she was worse. I saw her for more than a decade of my life. She worked at some small clinic and her only """"qualification"""" was being an art therapist. My dad would pay her to encourage me to blindly obey him and see him as without fault because he "loves me" because he is my father. She would encourage him to actively ignore me when I was suicidal, and was a big fan of making sure I stayed brainwashed. I don't know how much she was aware of the things my father did, but if he told her to talk to me about how I was "misbehaving" too much, or not doing well with homework or not listening to him, by god she would deal with that. Clearly, the reason why my grades were taking in high school was because I was lazy, and me saying I almost always had an active plan was because I just wanted to get out of doing the homework in the advanced classes I was pressured to take and I couldn't read the textbooks because I was lazy and not because I was not at that reading level. Also that bitch convinced me that I wasn't trans cause I was crying when I tried coming out to her and she said some shit about how it was the media's fault or some shit idk. I saw her from like I think 2012(?) up until January of 2020 when I realized how unhelpful she was. Early 2020 is when I started realizing a lot of the brainwashing and shit. Its hard to realize that you've been basically mind controlled into not understanding a goddamn fucking thing about how the world works when your fucking pedo rapist father starts lying to you from the moment you understand words. I swear to god he is a fucking wannabe cult leader. He could easily make form a cult but I guess he decided just his firstborn was enough.

Even if fucking antidepressants worked, I have yet to find a psychiatrist that actually gives a fuck about what you have to say. They usually just give you random shit, even if you said it previously didn't work, and ignore you if you point out unwanted side effects. And even if you try to trust them, they don't pick up the phone when you try to remind them you need medication refills but they don't give a shit about that cause they do not fucking care.

The most recent time I interacted with paramedics? I am pretty fucking sure that I was drugged with something that I don't even know what it was. I was paralyzed and terrified. I was also openly mocked and belittled by the emergency responders who laughed at me and dismissed me as a dumb junkie when I was scared and needed help. And then when I was taken to the ER? I was there for more than 8 hours before I left without seeing a doctor. There were people there who had been waiting 24+ hours without seeing a doctor.

People keep telling me "oh just find a primary care physician" NONE ARE TAKING NEW PATIENTS AND IF YOU MISS A SINGLE FUCKING APPOINTMENT, THEY BAN YOU FROM THEIR WHOLE FUCKING PRACTICE.

I go to planned parenthood for my testosterone. I have been on t with them since September 2020, and they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't know shit about hrt. they do not care about patients. They are fucking assholes. and they are inconsistent about refilling shit. The one time I went for an appointment and I was asked if I was ok... I WAS BILLED AN EXTRA $15 FOR A FUCKING "EMOTIONAL ASSESSMENT" CAUSE THIS ONE FUCKING NURSE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK.

I'm lucky that I managed to get my mom to help me get a diagnosis for some of my issues a few years ago, but there's more serious shit I need formal diagnoses for, and it is so fucking hard to even talk to a psychologist, never mind find one that isn't a fucking cunt. Can't get SSI/SSD/Whatever the fuck it is with an autism assessment but how the fuck am I supposed to get diagnosed with PTSD. I can't just say "Oh yeah I have PTSD because I fill all the requirements and also a few medical professionals callously told me I have PTSD when I was begging them for help in the ER and then discharged because if you are begging for actual help with your mental problems, then they will just discharge you because people who are begging for help don't actually end up hurting themselves, so I haven't actually gotten any help, but trust me when I say that I cannot work without freaking the fuck out so give me government money so that I can stay alive." I'm trying anyways but idk how far I'm gonna get. I should probably check that they got my documents but they can straight-up just say they did not get them if they feel like it.

I fucking hate every facet of the medical industry in the united states because it is all bullshit