#idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.

[sopaprimordialy]

Warriors HC collection - 2nd Edition

Click here for 1st Edition — The Warriors

THE HOUSE OF HURRICANE

They are drag queens. That's not even a head canon because the lyric book addresses them as "House of Hurricane" rather than just "The Hurricanes" like it does with the other gangs. Additionally, the actors playing them are all queer (Michaela Jaé [Yaya] is a trans woman, Billy Porter [Granger] is gay and Mykal Kilgore [Élan] identifies as queer).

This, combined with the music style, vogue, which originated within the queer black community, indicates which groups they're representing here.

In the movie, the gang in roller skates was called "The Punks", and I incorporated this fact to my HC that they (Yaya, Élan and Granger) used to be a trio called The Punks when they were teenagers and had to stick together to protect themselves on the streets. As they grew up and discovered more about themselves and the world they live in, The Punks eventually became a larger crew known as The House Of Hurricane.

They own a couple of gay bars, discos and pubs in upper Manhattan (here you'll have to forgive me for the lack of knowledge about locations in the US, if you have a more specific suggestion for where their turf could be, let me know!)

Since a drag family, among other things, has to do with drag style, I believe the main component of the Hurricanes' style is skating. They are known for their ice and roller skating performances, being able to move and dance freely wearing them (I'm jealous)

The three of them are drag mothers to a LOT of other queens. After the events of the album, their Hous will be long last and their legacy will be gigantic. Yes, by that I mean some future Hurricanes will participate on RuPaul's Drag Race.

Now, individual head canons ahead! Since they appear in only one song, a lot of this is just me hallucinations

ÉLAN

She's the leader, and she has always been the mother of the group. As I mentioned earlier, I believe these three know each other since they're teens, but Élan is a bit older.

Some time before the events of the album, one of the drags she mothered/recruited was killed by the police. She, and many others, quile literally went missing in the park at night. Because of this she tells the Warriors to "stand up for you and yours"; she regrets not being there for her.

She's a taurus (Idk why this felt important).

She's the kind of person who'll tell you her deepest, darkest traumas with a straight face while you're left there, horrified.

Speaking of trauma, she has a lot of it.

They all have. My poor mistreated children.

She cares deeply for all her girls, but especially Yaya. Sometimes Yaya complains, claiming that she doesn't need to be babied, but Élan's still protective of her.

YAYA

The baby of the group.

She's literally never out of drag, which made Élan and Granger start to realize maybe this wasn't the same artistical feeling they had for her.

She's trans. That's it.

And she's always gorgeous.

Also, she's autistic, because I CAN hc whatever I want. One of her favorite stims is imitating the little noises she hear, hence why she keeps singing "dong dong!" during Quiet Girls.

She's a gemini (bcs I started this signs thing and if I stop now it'd be weird).

Yaya was like, super nervous when she told the others about being trans, because crossdressing is one thing, being a trans woman is another.

Fortunately the other members of the gang are not assholes so she was well accepted, and Yaya became her actual name.

She's the most flexible of the group. As my dance teacher wisely said once: "Queers can vogue dance because they don't have bones".

GRANGER

First of all, I love her voice. Not a head canon but I needed to say that. Billy Porter I didn't know you before but holy shit I'm in love.

I feel like she's the strongest of the group, the one who can actually fight and tend to protect the others.

She was the one actually dragging the Warriors out of that train, and she is the one to confront them with the "how do we address our guests [...]" part.

At the end of Quiet Girls when she says "Stand clear of the closing doors!" I always imagined her high kicking the train door. Wearing skates. She cracks the glass.

And then death drops. That's it thanks for reading my incredible ideas for an animatic I'll never make hope it's good 🤙🏽

She's a scorpio (just to be clear here I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about)

I don't really know why but I associate her with Jennifer Lopez's El Anillo.

She taught the others how to skate, she learned as a kid.

[thebindingofpillo]

when it comes to characters such as lazarus, do you think anyone could trust him with any sort of firearm? or like, does any character know how to use weapons? Esau, Lazarus, Samson, Judas, Eve, (and maybe Eden) look like they know how.

Oh boy now this is an interesting question mhmmm… First we need to keep in mind that my story doesn’t really take place in America. I didn’t really want my AU to take place in a *real* country, I intentionally kept it vague, so that people could fill in the blanks themselves. Reincarnation can take place wherever you want! But since I’m more familiar with Italian legislation, some of it might seep into my setting. Which means: guns are rare and difficult to obtain.

Funnily enough, I have an inside joke with my friend that Isaac owns at least one gun. The boy got tired of all the supernatural bullshit so now he’s fighting back.

With that being said: realistically, I think the only one with some expertise with guns would be Cain. He’s very old, he’s seen a lot of stuff, went through a lot of shit, and knowing how to protect oneself when faced with adversity is really important. He’s probably more used to older stuff tho, I can’t really see him with a high-tech automatic rifle. Maybe a tommy gun lmao. I don’t think he killed anyone else besides Abel tho, he doesn’t really want to go through that again.

As for the others you mentioned… Lazarus and guns seems like a terrible combination, knowing his chronic bad luck that thing would go off on him all the time. And while he can’t really die, accidentally shooting himself isn’t really something I’d wish upon him lol.

Judas would not trust himself with guns. At all. He’s already got some pretty strong self-destructive tendencies and Azazel would never allow a gun in their house. Judas has a problem with offing himself in every life, and Azazel always tries his damn best for it not to happen. He’s failed every single time, but that doesn’t deter him. He’s already pretty on edge with Judas living in a normal house with normal dangerous things (like knives) adding a gun to the equation would make Azazel explode immediately so that’s a big no no.

Esau strikes me as the type of guy who would know about weapons/guns but wouldn’t own them? Idk he doesn’t really seems like the type… Jacob might have an interest in Medieval weapons tho, he’s enough of a nerd for that. He probably tried to rope Esau into some historical reenactments but his brother wasn’t really having it. I can see Jacob taking on something like medieval fencing if he wasn’t disabled. Also Lazarus would make fun of him lol.

Samson wouldn’t really know his way around a gun or any other weapon, so he would be a danger to himself and others. Big no no.

Eve might know something about guns? Maybe her father was a cop, or a hunter. I could see that… tbf I didn’t really think about Eve’s parents, maybe this could be interesting! I can definitely see baby Eve looking at her dad cleaning and assembling his guns. The only gun she uses is the tattoo gun in her shop lol.

Maggy strikes me as a blunt force trauma girlie, she should have a warhammer. Or a crowbar, as a treat.

Lilith can’t see, so she wouldn’t even get close to a gun, or any type of weapon. Too risky.

Bethany is a wee baby, her defense mechanism is just curling up in a ball and hoping for the best.

OKAY now onto Eden and Azazel. They do absolutely know how to use weapons. Every angel has a weapon (usually a sword, Azazel and Eden both had swords) every angel is a warrior of God, and fighting demons is part of their purpose. So yeah, both Eden and Azazel (who used to be an angel) know their way around weapons, Azazel was quite the skilled warrior, and even used to create his own! When he first started living amongst humans he learned how to be a blacksmith and goldsmith, and he was really good at it. Azazel’s weapon is currently under archangel Michael’s care, and Eden lost theirs lol. As for guns, Azazel isn’t too fond of them and Eden wouldn’t really need them anyway even if they technically know how to fire one (they’re a Cherub, and Cherubim are omniscient).

Apollyon, being an angel, also knows how to fight but never ever had to in the billions and billions of years he existed. His main weapon is a spear that doubles as the Key for the Abyss.

[play-rough]

I was so nervous about kunikida giving Dazai a time out but when we find out he didn’t actually leave Dazai alone I felt a lot better. It’s not like kunikida knows about his past, so it’s not his fault. Plus he really validated babyzai and comforted him afterwards. (Personally I think timeouts are more suited to ranpo’s age but bless his heart for trying his best.)

Also I agree with the other person about Chuuya losing his mind over time out, and it leads to Kunikida never giving dazai one again and finding other ways to help discipline the baby otter. Discipline (when done appropriately) helps guide kids so kunikida would probably feel bad that it’s a traumatic experience but want to make sure he’s doing things safely. Kunikida is alllllll about safety and procedure with babyzai and ranpo 💯💯

-🦕

Looking back i almost wish i did a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit of kunikida pov, because in my mind he was like ‘oh shit you weren’t supposed to panic’ and probably felt really bad about the whole scenario 😭 i forget sometimes that the reader isn’t in my mind with me akhrhejsjjdhdjsjs but i wanted to do exclusively Dazai pov in the Ada verse and i didn’t want one to stick out… idk maybe I’m overthinking it and no one would have noticed lmaoooo

I’m glad it still comes across as a well meaning caregiver not realizing he’s stepping on a personal trauma landmine haha. Kunikida probably won’t give Dazai another time out, combination of ‘Kunikida realizes is probably not worth causing Dazai so much distress’ and ‘author can’t come up with another scenario that warrants punishment’ 😭😭😭😭

Also he’s probably learned not to leave the kids alone in time out from ranpo lmao, i bet he’d be one of those kids to just decide when his own time out is over and leave 😭

[circumlocutive]

My Adderall is hitting and I just wanna shit this text post out before I start work.

I don't think there's a practical point to this kind of navel gazing at this stage in my life, and really it's more of a symptom of an issue in psychiatry with labeling phenotypic categories that don't have much correlation to biochemical mechanisms. But. I do still wonder about whether my avolition and related executive dysfunction/motivation crisis is " better " characterized as a CPTSD thing than an ADHD thing. And whether that should play a role in my expectations for functioning.

Like functionally I'm still going to treat my symptoms the same either way (it doesn't respond to CBT, DBT, or a few diff antidepressants, but does respond adequately [if inconsistently] to stimulants), so from a pragmatic angle fussing over which label is better is not useful to me. It's mostly identity wanking - unless the labels can implicate something actionable, all they really seem to do is saddle you with their sociocultural baggage.

I'd say I have evidence suggesting a genetic predisposition to ADHD traits (which I generally conceptualize based on handling in the broader psych literature as an innate/biological/"nature" [as in nature vs nurture] based thing, like the impairments are there whether or not the environment is good or bad though of course environment influences the final result). My dad is very ADHD and was long before he was a combat veteran if you listen to stories from his family, my dad was adopted bc he had a teen mom so highly likely she had something up too, and my brother is so textbook autism (and autism and ADHD genes run around skipping hand in hand) (stimulant side note these are not definitive scientific correlations I'm making here, autism looking presentation could be related to my brother being abused too and having far less social support, could be related to my mother's psychotic lineage [autism and schizo/bipolar/psychotic spec genes also run around skipping hand in hand], could be a lot of shit).

On the other hand, it is so obvious I have CPTSD (which I conceptualize as a nurture based, acquired dysfunction that does also alter your "nature" in the sense it affects your genetic expression. But while trauma will change your innate biochemical settings, I see the biggest distinction from ADHD in that cptsd wouldn't manifest without external initiation). In the narrative of my life, my current difficulty with motivation makes more sense as. Well. Something to do with living in constant fear for my life in my developmental period. How can I find anything as compelling or salient as preserving my life against a direct, explicit, and omnipresent threat. How am I supposed to give a fuck about tasks if no one is breaking plates over my head about them or depriving me of food and shelter. My whole risk reward system calibration is fuuuucked.

Realistically, I have issues with emotional regulation/motivation/self care because of the combination. I probably do have congenital neurological differences inherited from my parents, and then the extreme circumstances of my youth made for maladaptive neurological conditioning (think in the firing/electrical circuitry) + hormonal release + epigenetic changes + downstream effects that further stunted my prefrontal cortex and amygdala and striatum and whatever structures associated with emotion and reward. Some of the conditioning may be reversible with therapy/safe life experiences but the baseline performance won't be adjusted without biochemical intervention. Maybe that should play a role in setting my expectations for my performance and "improvement" over time.

Idk I have more feelings about labels and the ways they change our perception of the bio phenomena underlying "mental illness" and the self, but I need to do work instead of wasting hours getting the words out and refining them

[nerdy-frog98]

Finished s1 of 911: Lone Star. My initial thoughts (these are personal opinions and are subject to change);

-TK and Carlos are very cute, but we got soooooo little of their story that I was getting frustrated by it. They’re boyfriends by the end of season 1, but we got so little development with them that I was just like “oh. that’s it? hm, okay. cute.” TK and Carlos individually are amazing though.

-Actually, I was getting frustrated at the overall lack of storylines for everyone except Owen and Michelle. They would do one tiny storyline for each character then never focus on them again (like Marjan and the storyline with the mosque slut-shaming her. I need more of that shit and less of whatever is going on with Owen).

-Owen rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to Bobby, but his ego is too much for me. He’s always gotta be the hero, the center of attention. Does he get better? I do like him when he’s with TK! He’s a good dad, just a very annoying person generally.

-I love Judd and Grace! They’re very sweet. It took me a min to warm up to them, but they’re probably my favorites. Probably because they’re the only characters besides Michelle and Owen getting any screen time lmao. Maybe a hot take, but Grace as a dispatcher has the same energy as Abby as a dispatcher. No, I will not elaborate.

-The emergencies do have the same vibe (and I like that we get to see the other characters shine a bit during the emergencies). Would like to see more of the team doing rescues together though.

-As a deconstructing ex-Christian, the amount of religion within this show makes me very ✨uncomfy✨. I am aware that Texas be like that, so I am doing my best to accept it for what it is. However, there are moments like when Judd was refusing to go to church because of trauma and Grace guilting him into going…that do nawttt sit right with me. This is very liberal for being a texas yee-haw show though, so I’m a little more forgiving of that. [& the emergency in the second episode with the lady who was racist, transphobic, and homophobic - that was probably the funniest thing to happen in both the 9-1-1’s combined. Probs wouldn’t have happened in LA, California]

- Overall, I’m mildly underwhelmed by it. The premise is really good and I like most of the characters. I am mostly hoping the stories get better (more development). It was a short season, so maybe that’s what it was. idk. I’m optimistic.

I went into the og 9-1-1 with some pre-knowledge of characters and a few storylines spoiled for me. The only thing I know about 9-1-1 lone star is that TK & Carlos get married eventually. I know nothing else of literally any other character or storyline. So. 🙏🏼

Also the crossover episode is in season 2, so I am absolutely looking forward to seeing that again.

[sanasanakun]

I was reading your post about how Gortash is so polarizing in how people respond to him and while I don’t have an answer, I can weigh in on the side of thinking he’s attractive and not understanding some of the complaints people have. I try to see what it is that makes some people go ewwww no way but I don’t see what they do. For example a lot of people will say he looks dirty and I feel like I’m missing something completely. He looks unkempt but his hair looks shiny and clean and there’s no stains on his clothes. There’s scars and age marks and stubble on his skin, but I don’t read that as dirt (maybe I’m wrong)? His teeth aren’t perfectly white but thats the case for anyone who drinks coffee or tea so that doesn’t mean anything about hygiene. It also feels like people mistake his skin for just being dirty instead of not pasty white. Also when I see comments about “this guy must smell bad” and I immediately think of that journalist who made a remark about zendaya smelling like patchouli and weed because it feels like it’s coming from the same mindset and is sometimes word for word literally just that. This isn’t even touching on the fact that he’s got wrinkles and dark under eyes and signs of age and trauma that aren’t cute or superficial. I’m saying that the haters are all racist or ageist but I think there’s some biases at play and no one feels like they need to think about it too deeply because he’s an antagonist.

Yeah, I definitely agree with your takes here. I’m also someone who thinks he’s attractive and never really had a problem with his design. I don’t really care for the hair and think it’s a little goofy, but overall he’s very handsome (and the outfit is drippy af).

I will say that his model actually DOES have dirt on his face. Like those spots are the in game dirt feature (idk if that’s the right word). I’m not sure if that’s to have age spots or show that he’s a little disheveled, but yeah he is actually dirty in game lol but I’m with you in never thinking that he was dirty or smelled bad. But he doesn’t look like an archduke and I think that’s the point of his design; he’s a fraud and a tyrant (aka a bad leader).

And I definitely think a lot of the criticism for his design comes from racism and ageism. And I’ll preface this by saying that I’ve always read Gortash as being inspired by Turkish and Bulgarian people looks-wise. The constant insults of calling him disgusting or dirty make me side eye cause I do think it comes from his darker complexion and “unconventional” features that are more common in Türkiye and the Balkans.

Like I can only speak as a Bulgarian, but people in Western Europe treat us like shit. They call us dirty, untrustworthy, mafioso, ugly, etc. like Western Europeans fucking hate us. In America, it’s not as bad but we still have a negative image (in my experience. I’ve been told I’m poor and from a country that shouldn’t exist before). And I’m very white, so I can’t even imagine what it’s like for those with darker skin tones. So, I think people carry this bias against people that look like Gort and don’t think deeper about it when they say these things (or redesign him). I find it very hurtful tbh because I really loved seeing a character that looked like him. He’s very unique amongst the other character models.

And obvs, ageism is a huge problem that people also won’t confront with themselves. And all this combined with bad media literacy (imo) like they cannot get over the “young and handsome” part for some reason and it’s so annoying.

Anyway, I’m rambling and prob not making a lot of sense cause I’m tired lol but yes! I agree with you. Luckily, it seems like Gort has a pretty sizable fanbase and a lot of people love him! So, it’s not all bad. But I wish people would maybe think a bit longer about some of their opinions on him. Cause he’s a horrible person! But we don’t need to constantly call him dirty or disgusting or whatever. But that’s just where I stand on this whole thing.

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

cw// vent below the cut!

no outright triggering content mentioned but references to trauma/ptsd (this is vaguely selfship related i promise snjkfhfndsj).

LONG, sorry . beware! but i've been trying to examine myself a little more closely lately and i just got carried away ig

i sort of always feel like i'm alone in this, i guess i was wondering if anyone else feels the same way in any capacity?

so i've always been a really naturally creative person; when i was younger i was the kid that was always doodling all over their assignments; i would win art and writing contests, stuff like that. it's a lot of artists and imaginative ppl on here specially in the selfship community, so i'm sure y'all will understand this, but being "creative" was kind of literally my entire identity growing up. i preferred fiction to reality and never understood how to get along with the other kids, so it became my escape , whether i was creating or consuming media. it was , in entirety, who i was.

except when i got a little older, i went through a traumatic event. i won't get into specifics, but i was diagnosed with ptsd among other things. and i pretty much blocked it all out! only recently, years later, have i started to realize the effects the trauma actually had on me.

i noticed that my creativity is basically GONE. i'm unable to come up with plotlines in my head; only when i'm very strictly guided by a pre-determined objective or assignment requirement. when i was younger i could write elaborate fantasy storylines with dragons n shit, fully fleshed out character archetypes and interactions, but now it's like my mind is a total fucking blank. NOTHING comes up. especially dialogue; i'm just not capable of imagining it. art is the same way.

it's honestly insane. i don't even remember what it was like to have natural imagination. i miss it more than anything and i feel like i've lost something intensely important. not to mention how ingrained it was in my identity. it's all i was, yet it all stopped after i experienced trauma.

i feel so alone, and it really ties into my relationship with self-shipping. as much comfort as self-shipping brings me, i feel so very invalidated by the fact that i'm not able to create or write content for my ship. i try, but i just can't do it in the end. i see others that make these beautiful drawings or these deep meaningful fanfics and i feel so guilty. like i'm less dedicated, and it makes my relationship/my account less valid, not only to myself but to everyone else. my f/o deserves more than that, but i can't give it to them. in real life, they'd probably be with someone else who could instead. yk that sort of thing :'( it's a whole rabbit hole of thinking that i'll just cut off now but yeah u get the point. super guilty.

i could go on with this for hours but it's already super long. but yeah. the original intention of this blog was for me to try writing again but in a way that was comfortable and safe for me, by combining it w my biggest coping mechanism LOL. i've made some baby steps in my drafts but we'll see how it goes ig. just wanted to get this off my chest and see if maybe anyone else has had a similar experience, idk it just makes me feel so guilty and like i'm a fraud of myself in general :'3

[nosolaceofastraightanswer]

“tua s1 is unrivaled by the other seasons and it’s valid to say that s2 and s3 ruined a lot of the mood, story, and characterization of the characters it depicted” and “s2 and s3 added amazing characters and intriguing ideas and storylines to the plot” are two opinions that can and should coexist.

i think that the combination of the fact that covid was prevalent while all this was going on, the fact that like so much time passed between the seasons, and the fact that after the success of the first season the writers tried to go in a different direction made it so in the end, the whole show kind of fell apart in certain ways.

i have an allison s3 analysis post in drafts somewhere talking abt how the disconnect between seasons 1 and 3 was too wide. they were trying to do the same things in s3 as s1, but the mood was just :|

if they had managed to have that poignant first season, fun shenanigans in the 60s to set up a good finale season and add more characters (because while the focus on viktor in s1 was great, it left some of the other characters a little out of the spotlight NOT THAT IT WASNT THE RIGHT CHOICE for the story they were trying to tell and how, i think it worked really well, but still) and then FINISH the series with a third season that brings everyone together and is the climax of all of the trauma and conflict that has transpired since the beginning, then the series would’ve worked.

and maybe that’s what they were trying to do? but it didn’t end up that way at all. if they had circled back around and adresses a lot of things in a better way, i.e. not just have allison’s shit from s1 brought up bc it makes her look not so good bc NO ONE ELSE IS REACTING OR MENTIONING ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED S1 OR EVEN S2, not really.

like lila is one of my favorite characters and i think the kind of storylines she was having s2 and s3 were very compelling and the type of thing that fit more of s1’s style.

her learning that her mother ordered her parents to be assassinated, she’s only been a weapon the whole time, then she’s pregnant but she has abandonment issues fr so she has this ridiculous fake son set up that actually works, MM GOOD SOUP. more lila analysis pls bc i am not home at words lmao. there are some damn good writers for dielila that touch on these things, and THANK YOU!! slay.

like there are a lot of good things abt the seasons after s1, but overall it’s kinda mid ngl. still gonna watch s4 tho, not like i have anything else to do.

but idk what the moral of the story is here?? ig look at the part at the top (so long ago lol). if anyone even reads this, hi! thanks for reading <3 i am losing my mind. have a ☂️🌂⛱️ omg that’s actually so many umbrellas why r there so many umbrella emojis lmaooo anyways. byeeeee! :))

[shooks-stupid-stuff]

ok real quick general webcomic idea post:

so basically, i had an idea a while back while working on my own interpretation of hell/the afterlife in general for a separate thing, that pretty much boils down to funny slice-of-life office shenanigans but all the characters are some sort of yokai/demon/other supernatural being (with a few exceptions) and it was just. very chill and mainly character focused with no real plot but some like multiple part comics and maybe more story-heavy character backstory specials every so often or something.

i thought it'd be fun, it combines like, a lot of shit i like (it has elements similar to touhou AND random christian symbolism, truly the shook bingo card) plus i get to design fun characters and just do dumb shit with them which is My Favorite

idk this is probably a horrible explanation cjbcvj but uhhh have some design concepts and a rough formatting mock-up, ill talk about this more tmmrw probably bc lord knows i am going to get no sleep at this rate-

(edit from a year and a half into the future: man it's really funny how little from takoshi's original concept art still applies. like, the general premise is the same but like aside from that he just. really isn't the same guy hfndkfkd- like modern takoshi is not actually a stupid asshole fuckboy (he just acts like on bc Trauma Reasons), he does not have any powers, i dropped whole demon sigil thing like 3 months after making him, and soon enough even if design won't be the same lol (corporate hell takoshi really needs a redesign). characters really do grow and change as you develop them huh lol-

...he does still belong in horny jail tho that's still correct (just slightly less so than before))

yeah that's about all i can think of for now uhhh feel free to send questions about anything!!! i would love to rant incoherently about this!!!

[yomiurinikei]

rei mekaru (shocker i know)

we r ginger liker solidarity.... yuuki/yuki likers and rei likers need to come together and be allied...

~*~

My identity hc for them

oh shit tumblr is auto formatting in bullet points thats fun. uhhh w/rei i pretty much like any combination of ace/aro spec + lesbian. 100% lesbian rei? aro lesbian rei? aroace rei? all epic all amazing. i started hc'ing this back in like.. vv early sdra days. and i think its just part of who i am now... i think she doesnt really experience much attraction in general and has a bit of a hard time labeling how she feels because. of her general emotional trauma. so tbh i can see her kinda rotating through labels? i think she keeps it very to her self tho. she doesn't like people assuming she's cishet but she also doesn't want to come out as straightn't, so she just snaps at people who try and drag her into convos about identity.

similarly i think she struggles with really.. going "wow this is so me this is exactly what i am" when it comes to gender identity. i think she's very.. "well im Definitely not a guy, and i dont think im anything else, so..." ie, she's more prone to defining herself by what she isn't than what she is. which is perfectly okay!!! i don't think she'd consider herself trans, but she may occasionally like the label genderqueer. (yes i know that trans people r anyone who's gender deviates from what they were told they should be, but while it is an umbrella term, people can decide if they like it for themselves a lot! and i don't think rei would really like any label other than "idk man its weird", which she likes to use on/off) again tho i dont think she's very into sharing that with people, at least as a teen.

Thoughts on their home life/family

im so curious what her time was like when she was all alone??? i think that's something thats fairly unexplored, is her time between her parents not being able to care for her, and her becoming self-sufficient. ultimately i dont have much to say here, i like how linuj handled her backstory, i just think it wouldve been cool to see more of it, not that there was any good place to write it in, but i love bonus modes and would like to see maybe how the dra survivors coped w/what they learned in the sixth trial in a bonus mode about how the kisa foundation became what it is now.

How i feel about their canonical writing/handling

mmm... tbh. i like rei, i think her growth from dra to sdra2 was handled well- she still feels like rei, while also serving her narrative role- ie. there's not much you can do when shawty gets exploded in the prologue and then has to play second fiddle to tsurugis viola of fucking evil. sadly, we can't do much with the kisa foundation and showing how rei and tsurugi have changed and have the pacing of the chapter still be intact, when we see rei, its mostly just her being voice of reason because someone has to give exposition on what the foundation knows while tsurugi has a meltdown. i think her development feels authentic and natural, if she maybe feels a biiit.. i dont know how to word it, but she almost feels a bit too calm? less snarky at points than i'd think she'd be, and than what i'd like to see. but again, we can explain that as being due to the role she has to play for the story.

ultimately, while not necessarily my cup of tea, i'm just not prone to latching onto characters like rei a whole lot! i def think she's handled well, oddly well for linuj in general, and v oddly well for a female character written by linuj. i like her, im just not brain rotted about her

The one thing i’d want to make canon about them

hmmmmm... im not gonna lie i can't really think of anything? after thinking about it while i typed up. essentially the whole rest of this post, i think it'd be cool if she and kabuya were friends after sdra2. yuuki is... .... ..........lets not talk about what hes up to, syobai and iroha are just a whole fucking mess. theyre a bit busy dealing with heads in boxes. and tsurugi is just sooo normal he's too normal really.

so i think they could meet and chat about how Fucking Insane the games were, in a way that other kg survivors wouldnt get, since they didnt have to deal with divine luck and what it does to people. also seeing as akane saved rei in dra and then. ya know. Soruko. i think that'd be a interesting convo for them to have, both kinda understanding more about akane taira. i think that'd be really neat!

My number one favorite ship for them

hm.... reikako by default of i dont think much about rei ships, and they have a significant amount of canon material. i do wonder though what their relationship was like pre-despair, it feels like a lot of the school life info we have is on utsuro or tsurugi? buuut yeah. also as kinda established i think rei is uncertain where she stands on attraction/her thoughts change a lot and. yeah. so this is less a romantic thing and moreso i want inside linujs brain so i can know what he thinks except he like. officially has stated he doesnt know shit abt sdra anymore which is SO UPSETTING

…Now everyone else i ship with them

i think rei/kizuna/kiyoka could be cute!!! also i kinda just like giving akane gfs, and i don't really think they'd be that compatible, but i think if they had a weird little queercoded friendship for like. the duration of one year during their stay at hpa, and it leaves akane feeling more confident and comfortable with herself as her own person, and leaves rei with a LOT of questions, while they also never really cross the line between friends and something more, that'd be cool and fun. just normal gals being pals things.

The thing i will NEVER ship

im so sorry. 2020 sdrainsta has made me incapable of terurei propaganda. i support people who ship it as a matter of fact im so glad we r now in a place where people can ship it or not ship it and everyone can just be fine and happy. but i dont think ill ever be able to see the vision.

a dynamic/relationship i wish was explored more (in canon, or in fandom)

i wish in sdra2 we saw more on the dynamic that grew between rei and mikako in dra. i think it'd be cool to see that discussed a bit more seeing how it was. mikakos in game memories that formed the basis for sora iirc.

thoughts on their design (appearance-wise)

mmm...... why the fuck did linuj use so much blue in the dra cast color palettes... i remember i had this dentist appointment that was really evil and like. literal hours longer than it was supposed to be, and to try and distract myself i went through the cast and counted who had blue in their design and who didnt. it took a long time because i was in so so so much pain but like. iirc its just mikako akane and yuki. and also mikako wears blue in ch4. so. THATS NOT RELEVANT THOUGH.

uhhhh. im not a huge fan of her outfit just because i dont like the skirt. her og design was a school uniform and i think it kinda shows and im not a huge fan of it? my brain keeps getting mixed up on the length of her skirt but yeah. its just so vibrant and pigmented and so is her hair and its like. the lower half of her fit just feels so high school uniform and i dont really like it. i think her hair is super cute in the bonus sketch (the just-woke-up one) on her character sheet tho.

i also don't really like her fit in sdra2. i think the labcoat is super nice (i like the ombre effect it looks good) and while its not too practical i dont hate the vest short skirt tights combo. but im not a fan of the color palette, its just so dark, so u have her bright hair and the bright coat, but the dark grey and black, in vertical stripes just kinda dominates it in my brain. and i don't really like it? i really dont like the grey with her hair.

she is very pretty. but im not a fan of the fits linuj puts her into

A music-related thought- a song that reminds me of them, or what their music taste is, etc

hmmm.. this is a very foreign concept to me but i dont think reis huge on music. i think for the most part she listens to songs she has memories associated with- she doesn't seem huge on the arts or. ya know. emotional connection? so i think while she wouldn't really vibe with anything particular of her own accord, listening to music which was playing when something emotional happened to her both improves the music, and also. helps her with being in touch with her emotions and letting herself feel. if that makes sense?

[eradicatetehnormal]

KH Is a Weird Series For Me

I don't interact with any other fandom the same way I interact with other fandoms, or interact with other fandoms at all. IDK, if people who've looked through my blog or follow me know I like other shit, like Persona, the Black Phone, the 1990's Powerpuff Girls, KHR!, KLK, Heathers the movie and musical, etc.

Characters that I usually wouldn't like are all of a sudden likable to me. Namely Sora. In any other series, he'd be one of my least favorite characters. A simple character who goes through a lot of trauma but remains positive through it all would be boring and uninteresting to me in any other series. GO OFF GODDAMNIT, DON'T TAKE THAT DISRESPECT! But for some reason, it just works for me in KH. Maybe it's because it's a Disney game or maybe it's because he's surrounded by edgelords, but I can't help but feel he's a great character.

The same goes for Ventus. His innocence combined with his tragic past and present just wouldn't do it for me. Normally, Aqua would've been my undisputed favorite character of BBS, but Ven just had a charm for him that's perfect for KH (IMO).

[wetwasteofagirl]

emdr for heff! part 1

By the way! I’m sorry that it took so long for me to get to this. I actually had it in my reminders app in my phone (I can’t live without the reminders app) so whenever I opened it I was like oh yeah ! I need to get in touch with you about EMDR!  As I’ve said, there’s a lot going on for me this summer in general plus the Lampard holes in the brain, but I always remember eventually!  So I figured I would slide into your DMs.  And…here we go!  Warning: long

I’m really happy to always share stuff about mental health, mental illness journey, etc. I’ve been through a lot and some of the problems I’ve had don’t ever get talked about on this website, even though Tumblr’s very pro…mental health and healing.  In my situations, I’m often, and by often I mean always, completely alone.  So, I don’t really believe in TMI, very little about my situation is TMI, and I have no problem just not sharing what I’m not comfortable with, so that’s fine. 

So EMDR…I started it in April and the first few sessions you don’t really do the actual procedure.  The first session was just a quick visit to see if we’d be a good fit.  I do it virtually, which is great for my schedule.  Then next session you do the “intake” and you go over your concerns, your family history, etc.  For me, because I’m 1014194 years old and have had this problem basically my entire life, and I’ve been in therapy for so long that I’m very aware of all of the things, the intake took I believe 2 or 3 50-minute sessions. I also have bipolar disorder! (this is why I talk so much!  It’s one of the most common and annoying symptoms lol), so I’ve had a crazy adult life full of crazy shit especially before I took medication, so there was a LOT to say.  But it was good, because I actually felt comfortable telling her stuff I’ve never told anyone else other than my best friend maybe—not even comfortable enough to tell other therapists.  So I guess it took over a month to really start going through the memories of my trauma.

I have childhood trauma—it’s complex trauma (CPTSD).  Idk how much you know about this stuff, but with CPTSD you basically got retraumatized over and over.  It’s usually just easier to say PTSD when you’re talking about it offline, but complex trauma is often even harder to deal with and has a very big impact on your life, especially with how you interact with the world socially.  I genuinely have no idea who I am without it, which is trippy and a half. I got this diagnosis 12 years ago, and the doctor I work with on that is really amazing (GENERALLY—he’s also the fucker who’s told me I talk too much, AND I have to see him later today and I’ve got beef with him from him telling me I talk too much two weeks ago so…*cracks knuckles*).  However, bipolar and CPTSD are a very difficult duo to manage. 

(Bipolar is what I mean when I say that tumblr doesn’t talk about it…I don’t think I’ve ever known more than one other Internet Person who’s had it like…in all my years of being on the internet.  It is known to be hard to diagnose, because people don’t go to therapy when they feel “good” (even though if the “good” is mania you often feel fucking awful in a unique way that I would definifely wish on my worst enemy), and if they tell a therapist they feel depressed, it’s easy for a therapist to just prescribe antidepressants and be done with it.  The number of therapists and even psychiatrists who are clueless about bipolar disorder is higher than the number of men Franky’s fantasized about sleeping with! But uh, anyway.) I’m not truly alone because SO many people in my extended family have it (it’s CONTAGIOUS!) and we all take the same medication lol, but still, it’s like the hidden disorder that no one on tumblr ever talks about.  So, I’m down to talk about anything, because these things have an extreme impact on how I behave and the energy I have to spend on myself, if that makes sense. 

But yeah, it’s a very difficult combination because you’re very reactive.  With bipolar, your brain reacts very inappropriately and dramatically to any kind of stimuli. That’s sort of the fundamental of it.  So, something could set me off, and it can trigger the fight or flight of the trauma to kick in, and once the trauma kicks in it’s very hard to tone that down, even if you’re knowledgeable and aware, you take your medications, you’re much more stable, etc.  It’s a physical reaction and it’s based on the kind of reaction you’re supposed to have to danger!  My psychiatrist is always like, “if you were a caveman you’d be number 1 caveman, you’re hypervigilant, you always have 20 backup plans in your mind, you’d survive very well.”  But of course we don’t live in that kind of world.  It’s very difficult, very paralyzing, and has created a lot of trouble for me and I spend a lot of time dissociating.  Which I enjoy.  It’s kind of like an addiction to be honest.  A lot of the time, I prefer to be in my own head than interact socially, which sigh. In offline life I pass for “normie” very well if I need to, but I just don’t have a lot of friends in person.  I could, that’s the thing, I could, but I prefer to be in my own head, and I don’t always like that.  Sometimes that gets me feeling lonely, frustrated, etc.  but yeah…That’s kind of the introduction.  Yikes.

My trauma is also very strange—and this is where I don’t totally want to share the details—because it’s just weird, it’s different than a lot of other people I know’s trauma, and what me and my mom think is that it’s something that started pre-memory, so the stuff that traumatized me is likely to have started happening when I was an actual baby. That’s harder to access of course, since…you can’t remember it!  I had to check with my EMDR therapist to make sure she can work with pre-memory and early trauma.  (By the time I was in school, so like four years old, I was pretty noticeably fucked up.)

Obviously, I’m not saying it’s “better” to have trauma from later on in life, but it’s easier to work with in that for the most part those memories are more accessible, or can become more accessible.

I don’t think EMDR changes things very quickly, but about a month ago I started feeling like I was able to make sense of some important things in my head—mostly, stuff about the very nonexistent or abusive (depending on the day) relationship between my mind and body.  My mind hates and disrespects my body, which I feel makes a lot of sense for a trauma victim, and all of a sudden I’m making some positive changes to unite the two that have NEVER been possible in over 3 decades.  I have serious issues that need help beyond that but this is giving me some hope.  It’s definitely not a quick fix but I think even the process of doing EMDR gives you some of that hope.

I’m always telling my EMDR therapist, “This seems fake!” or that it seems like a really bad movie written about a crazy person by someone who’s never had mental health issues.  Because the stuff that my head is just coming up with, and how correct/unsurprising it feels, is really remarkable.  It truly is crazy, and I don’t know how this works.  My mom is a therapist herself and she’s explained it to me but anything remotely sciencey is Not my thing so I can’t remember.  It’s just sort of shaken up so much in my brain.  My younger self has spoken to me, I’ve argued with myself, my younger self has made me cry and hurt my feelings because of how angry she is at me for not being able to “get her help”…it’s wild.  I find it really incredible, but it’s not always easy.  OKAY I’m going to get to your questions.

[weeberry-v1b3z]

if the kids from South Park got stranded on the lotf island, how would things go down?

I SCREAMED AT THIS IDEA!!! /pos Okay no drawings yet bc im still thinking and crap ill reblog with drawings soon though hopefully but here’s my ideas rn! We just doing the south park boys

The drawings will just be reference to scenes in Lord of The Flies you can ignore my unnecessary ramble.

You can’t just combine two of my obsessions like that of course of going to yap allat 😢

Oh shit you’re actually going to read it? THANK YOU?!

One, it definitely would be different obviously because the kids all know each other and will are at the same age, don’t know if that matters, AND THEY ARENT INNOCENT AT ALL! I mean theyre still kids in ways but the group is more mature and logical bc of the shit trauma they eent through and savagery? specifically Cartman. They can hunt shit easily! “Fatbread” uh… Pirates..The main 4 and Craig also got stranded in the mountains in the ‘Peruvian Flute band’ episode (I don’t think that’s the name of the show but my memory is poopy) too and they survived just fine somehow “you’e always coming up with some stupid idea to do something and then it backfires and then you end up in some foreign country or outer space or something,” - Craig

Two im going to make the Tribes Stan’s group + butters and Craig’s gang since they already argue n shat. I also listed Tweek, Douglas, Kevin, Scott, Dogpoo, probably Ike too but I don’t know, and other dudes are there too but I don’t know what to make them do exactly

im just giving out the roles the lotf character symbolizes not rlly basing off personality much just so u get it

Cartman is obviously Roger just for murdering, maybe also Jack? That part is for his hunting skills.

Jack can be Craig since he’s already the leader of his group AND Clyde basing on how Clyde turned into the Dark Lord in The Stick of Truth

And then Ralph would be Stan.. he’s not a golden boy like Ralph (greasy ahh mothafking hair I see you Stan) but like Craig he’s already the leader of HIS group! Then for Piggy’s intelligence goes to Kyle and being the best companion to Stan/Ralph. Jimmy, Maurice for the sense of humor!

And hear me out with Kenny being Simon ok? “Going Native” bro literally saw the ghost of Elvis Presley OKAY SO HE HAS A CHANCE TO SEE LORD OF THE FLIES!???!?!?!!??? Also since he’s also pretty isolated sometimes from the group, yk how Matt and Trey tried killing Kenny off for good and how he almost was a side character. HE CAN HAVE HE’S MOMENTS! Plus killing him brutally by the boys with sticks is natural ANDNANDNANDNQNDNANNDNANDNANNDNANDNAND When Stan talks to Kyle about murdering Kenny (Ralph’s reaction to Simon’s death and Piggy’s denial) he whispers to Kyle, “oh my gosh we killed Kenny…” I mean Kenny is not really a Christ like figure BUT HE CRUCIFIED HIMSELF IN THE SHOW? Okay sorry I went off to a ramble there

I wanna say that the littluns, Phil and Percival, are Tweek and Butters for them believing in the Beast! I wanna say Butters can be Percival but I can never predict how Butters is going to react in eps, he’s a silly lil guy

South Park is a huge show so i’ll take criticism, BE NICE PLEASE, for any description that goes well with the canon characters.. like… idk how to explain ‘Craig wouldn’t be Jack bc he’s so nonchalant’ or something like that… “The kid’s don’t murder animals that easily” okay the hunting part is hard for me to explain in some of the kids

-okay time for some real rambling shit-

(I tried going as canon as I can and logical too, it’s been awhile since I watched south park okay?!) The kids get stranded in the island, they can literally go on a plane without supervision and well could have done some shit in whatever country and president they (and when I say they I mean mostly cartman) decided to offend so they shoot them down, theyre not normally supervised so freedom is normal to them. Since Stan’s group is more popular and known to the school they would try to lead the rest of the boys which annoy Craig’s gang. That’s where the separation of civilization conflict can happen... Craig’s gang can be the hunters and well Cartman fatass would join them too for the hunting. Cartman is definitely a hunter bc bro knows how to cook.

Oh my gosh my brain is done with this for now I SPENT 2 MAYBE 3 HOURS WRITING THIS SHIT DOWN BC MOST OF THE TIME I WAS EDITING AND RESEARCHING SOUTH PARK EPISODES THAT I COULD REMEMBER

They’re not british, they’re american and

Dude it’s fucking South Park whaddya think? HELL GOES DOWN!!!!

[phoenixyfriend]

Togruta Marking Headcanons (Evolutionary and Epigenetic)

Okay, so the question is:

Do you think togruta markings are purely genetic or partly genetic and partly influenced by the environment?

e.g. a stressful adolescence leads to more complex markings/breakage

This conversation was had in large part on discord with @atagotiak and @dracothulhu.

Striation and Complexity

Now, my take comes entirely from Ahsoka having VERY complicated markings compared to Shaak, but we played around with it and had a lot of fun tangling out some headcanons that aren't really supported by canon, but aren't voided by it either. Also it makes time travel fun.

(Shaak Ti looks at time traveled Ahsoka and goes "Oh dear. You okay, honey?" The answer is always No.)

(This is actually EXACTLY why I was hoping there's a combined genetic/environmental factor, so any given time-travel Ahsoka has a different pattern, to some degree, from her younger self so that they can say "IDK, maybe we're cousins?" instead getting side-eyed for having Identical Marks.)

(Happy AU Ahsoka ends up with smooth rings instead of what almost looks like blue veins in marble? It would also probably make time-traveling Ahsoka’s bad future story seem a lot more real.)

Reference image:

So like these three with their clean lines and stuff probably grew up ok, as much as their lives suck now.

Some of the complexity of the markings is definitely genetic, especially with face markings. 14 yo Ahsoka has some significant complexity there already, and while she’s got early childhood trauma from that one time she was kidnapped, she otherwise seems to have been fairly happy and healthy as a child in the Temple.

On the other hand, her lekku markings do go from fairly smooth and even to really jagged looking.

My thoughts are that facial striation is indicative of stressors in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, but Montral/Lekku striation indicative of adulthood stressors (and maybe some late teens).

The adult/child distinction in striation is imo because their faces mostly stop growing after they hit adulthood, but there's more growth in the montrals and lekku.

So Shaak has a lot of striation on her montrals because adult Jedi Masters, with field work on the regular, encounter a lot of stressful situations (more dangerous missions, raising a padawan). But her childhood and adolescence, while occasionally adrenaline-heavy on missions with her Master, were usually no more stressful than one would get with, say, hunting lessons on Shili, so her markings end up very simple and blocky on her face and more detailed on her montrals and lekku.

If if we assume that the Montral tips are the later stressors showing, then it’s plausible Shaak Ti’s got a lot of little markings partly because of the stress of being a council member. Sure it’s not life threatening but the stress of a high-pressure administrative position is still stress.

(And the three ladies here probably start getting a little more fragmentation in the years after the Zygerria arc, assuming they survived.)

It doesn’t look like a lot, compared to Ahsoka at least, but there’s a moderate amount.

Between the beskar and the complex facial markings and lekku striations, I feel like other Togruta tend to give Ahsoka a lot of respect as a warrior.

Doesn't matter that she isn't wearing Akul teeth! Whatever! She clearly knows her shit!

It could be a byproduct of evolving as a communal species. Like yes, striation is good for hiding when you hunt, but seeing complex patterns on a child's face can indicate an unhealthy home life or otherwise invisible medical problems. In that context, Togruta in general watch out for complex facial patterns as a sign of child abuse.

(Obviously not foolproof but it seems like a reasonable option.)

A more stressful childhood could be indicative of low food security, and then evolution led to the marking complexity to make hunting easier in response. Tddlers and babies with early complexity might have had mothers with food insecurity or high adrenaline levels in pregnancy, too. It’d be difficult to pinpoint a specific pressure that caused it, but there’s definitely a lot of reasons it was advantageous to keep in the gene pool.

(Baby Anakin didn't know a lot of togruta growing up but I imagine most of them were heavily striated, so in those time-travel AUs, he doesn't understand the big deal with Fulcrum's markings until someone explains...)

(Slaves had stressful lives all around, and slavers liked it when togruta girls had complicated markings, they were considered Prettier, so this... worked out for them and Nobody Else.)

(If he noticed that other Togruta he’s seen since, like Shaak Ti or other Jedi or some civilians he’s met, seem to have less striation he maybe just assumed it was genetics and didn’t question it further?)

Montral Shape and Lekku Length

Another interesting thing is just the massive variation in montral shape.

My guess, personally, is that it's regional evolution. Did your ancestors live in an area with lots of trees, or was it more canyons, or maybe grasslands? It was an evolutionary reaction to how sound bounced around in your area.

In regards to lekku, even ignoring the live action stuff, Rebels Ahsoka has smaller lekku than Shaak Ti does. And some of that could be partly random chance and partly because Shaak Ti of age, but some people also think it’s partly malnutrition. I've personally been assuming it's just age and genetics, but...

We do see a significant lekku length disparity by gender, like these images:

To which I suggest:

...trans Ahsoka, whose lekku started growing out a little late because that's when she started estrogen (or the Togruta equivalent). There are a few male togruta with long lekku, but it seems pretty common for them to have short ones, so maybe they're transmasc.

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.