#thats my rant for now im gonna cry for a little bit longer now

[daylightisviolent]

Whatever happens, no matter how scary the future may be, you're gonna be okay and you have the strength and courage to pull through. Believe in yourself and believe in your journey my dearest, you've got this ♥♥♥

Thanks ❤️❤️

[motscore]

hiya totally not self-projecting here but can you do something with bakugou and a s/o who has a really messed up family and home life? and make it very soft and gentle please. its the kind of home where the mom and dad are married but its a very unhealthy relationship. shouting fights are a regular occurrence, and the parents by themselves are assholes to their kid. just to put my situation in perspective, my father has tried slapping/grabbing my ass ‘playfully’ infinitely more times than he’s ever tried genuinely complementing me. he’s done other stuff, but i don’t feel comfortable sharing that. my mother cares more about image, both hers and mine, over people themselves and screams at me over the most stupid stuff. they’re also both conservative, and i’m lgbt, so that obviously isn’t something i can easily share. i’m sorry if this topic isn’t one you feel comfortable writing about, you don’t have to do this request. i just want some escape right now, and hell, someone or something who can at least pretend that they’ll help me, and validate my struggle. tell me it’s real, that i’m real. even though my dad calls me stupid and an idiot for fighting back against my mom, it’s one of the things that reminds me of my reason for treading the water for so long. it reminds me that i didn’t give up, even after all these years, in a way. i pretend and tip-toe around them so much in order to protect who i am. the fact that i don’t cry about it either, makes it seem like i’m just pretending. like i’m not really in a bad situation, but making it bad in my head when really it’s really not a big deal. i’ve gotten very tired because of all this. can katsuki be there to help me? i’m sorry. this was more vent/rant than request. you don’t have to do this one if you don’t want to.

hi love! im sorry i couldnt get this done sooner ive had a busy weekend :( but im genuinely so sorry and upset that you have to deal with this and if you want to dm me to rant im 100% down to listen! i hope this helps you at least a little bit love <3

you show up to katsuki’s door, and jump into his arms and start crying. he catches you of course, trying not to freak out because he doesnt know why you’re crying. he stood in complete shock before speaking up.

“b-baby? whats wrong are you hurt?”

you sniffled before replying

“i- just-“

you couldnt finish your sentence before breaking down into tears again. at this point, bakugou was feeling a swirl of emotions. concerned, sad, upset. he didnt know what was wrong, but he knew you needed him. he walked you two over to his room and laid down, with your head on his chest and your legs interwined.

he rubbed circles on your back, and whispered reassuring things into your ear, giving you time to calm down enough to where you could talk with him and tell him whats wrong.

you sniffled before speaking. you went on and on about how hard things have been for you, how uncomfortable you feel in your own home, how you can no longer tell if its really “that bad” or if you’re just overreacting because you’ve gotten so used to this. how you’ve grown..numb to it all. you told him everything and he listened very keenly. you could tell he was getting upset too, you could feel his mucles tensing up underneath you.

“i am gonna try to not let my anger show right now because thats not what you need, but dont you fucking dare say you’re over reacting. i know that it’ll be hard to convince you that you’re not, but please trust and listen to me angel. everything you’re going through may seem normal to you now but you don’t deserve to be in a situation like this and it is not normal. you can’t even be who you really are because you’re afraid of what the outcome is. thats not normal baby.”

he took a second to readjust you, so he was sitting up against the head board and you’re straddling his lap, facing him. he wiped the drying tears of your face and laced his fingers with yours before continuing.

“all your feelings towards this are valid, 100% valid. you feeling numb is because you’re used to this routine where.. people constantly invalidate you and your feelings. which means you’re gonna let those feelings build up until one day you wont be able to handle it anymore and thats not healthy, angel. you dont deserve to be in this situation angel and ill do everything i can to get you out of there, okay? you know i would love for you to move in with me so i could just... protect you from it all. but please believe me when i say that you’re not overreacting and that what you feel is real, its all real my love. all of it”

he pulled you in for a tight hug, putting his face in the crook of your neck to inhale your light scent. he began to kiss lightly, from your neck sll the way up to your cheeks to your lips, which made you giggle at the sensation.

he felt himself relax at hearing you laugh, and move back enough so he could see your whole face. even with puffy eyes and dried tears on your face, he thought you were the most ethereal being in the universe. nothing would ever change his mind about his precious angel.

he lifted a hand to caress your face, his thumb rubbing soft circles into your cheek.

“ill protect you baby. i promise no one can hurt you here.”

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

@taiqrowweek

SINCE ALL THE FICS ARE SAD im going to go ahead and make a happy one. (Well... its bullet notes so maybe more of a fic outline?). Can be consider as Free Day or AU Day since its canon divergence

Ive been dying to see a Tai comes to Atlas fic so im making this one a reunion in Atlas fic

Qrow isnt in Atlas when Tai arrives. Hes out on a Amity Tower mission with Clover

Qrow and Clover are actually in the middle of flirting with each other when Qrow gets the call

Its Ruby and shes talking so fast Qrow cant understand a single thing. "Woah Ruby slow down. Whats going on" theres a deep gasping breath and then "DAD IS HERE. DAD IS IN ATLAS"

Qrow is stunned. Tai made it to Atlas?

Clover is thinking about how on Earth he could of gotten into the Kingdom.

Qrow finds out through Yang (she had to take Ruby's phone away since she wouldnt stop screaming) that the girls are waiting for Tai since Ironwood is having Winter personally escort him (Qrow figures that either he got arrested on arrival like they did or that Ironwood wants to know everything Tai knows about Salem despite being removed from the situation since STRQ fell apart)

Clover notifies him that they wont be able to get back to the city for another three hours, and then Qrow tells the girls, who are disappointed but tell him theyll "let Dad know when he gets here"

Most of the way back Clover is trying to get information out of Qrow about what Tai is like. Its both friendly small talk and adding to what Clover knows about this group of children + Qrow. The group is part of Ironwood's inner circle now which makes them important

Qrow briefly wonders how his reception will be. These days hes always the one coming to see Tai, and its 50-50 on if Tai's happy to see Qrow. Qrow considers running away from the encounter entirely but hes trying to be a better man now and that means sobriety and facing his problems. Besides he'll have to see Tai eventually

So lets backtrack a bit. Tai and Qrow used to be a thing wayyyy back in the day. Defining their romantic relationship is complicated. They tried dating before Tai ever got with Raven and it only lasted a few days because they realized the attraction was just sexual so they went back to being teammates who makeout when theyre drunk (thats how they decided to start dating in the first place). So through the early years they were Friends With Benefits. After the dark years of Raven and Summer they became Friends With Benefits That Only Get Together When Theyre Feeling Heartbroken. Its sad sex and half the time one of them is crying. Their friendship is good while the the girls are young. They disagree on a lot of things when it comes to the girls as they get older. That animosity plus arguments about Qrow's  espionage job plus Qrow's worsening alcoholism are the reason theyve drifted far apart today. Theyve still been through so much together so that history and Qrow's dedication to being a uncle are the only things holding their friendship together.

So anyways lets get to the good stuff. The reunion:

Tai is actually waiting for Qrow at the garage

The girls are with him because they missed him. Ruby has her arms around him while talking and Yang is standing besides them smiling

Qrow gets a little scared. The fact Tai is waiting for him doesnt bode well. Him and Tai try to have their disagreements when the girls arent present. Qrow thinks its fair to assume that Tai is so absolutely pissed at him that he cannot wait another moment to yell at him. Clover goes "i guess you wont have to hunt him down after all. He mustve really missed you all" and Qrow really hopes thats the reason

Qrow decides to break the ice before it forms by insulting Tai as he's getting out of the truck

"Two and a half continents away and i still cant escape the sight that is your hideous cargo pants" "says the man who's idea of fashion is a 25 year old ripped cape"

As soon as Qrow gets close enough Tai puts his hands on his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and yells "YOU GOT POISONED"

Turns out Tai was just worried about him after Ruby explained what happened on her trek through Mistral

After answering his questions they hug and its the kind of hug where you sway a little bit

For the next few hours Tai yells at Ruby for running away, Tai yells at Qrow for going sober and not telling him, and Qrow goes with Tai to meet Ironwood (and stop Ironwood from asking too many questions. Hes actually soley focused on Salem and he doesnt even ask Tai how he got through his military blockade)

That night in Qrow's room Tai explains to Qrow how he got there. He lied to the girls. Made up some story that had plenty of holes in it. It was Raven. She opened her portal to Yang as far away as she could and Tai landed there. She had come to him after Haven, told him a few things but clearly left most of it out. Tai managed to get her to promise to take him to the group whenever they got to Atlas and had adjusted.

He came for two reasons. 1) to see exactly how close his children were to Salem. 2) to see if he could protect his kids any way he could, knowing they wouldnt back out now. But the reason he was telling Qrow all this (instead of sticking to his if-it-involved-Raven-i-dont-talk-about-it mentality) was because of one of the few things she mentioned about Haven: the disowning.

Tai wanted him to know that despite all their problems that Qrow was still his family. Not because Raven is still legally married to Tai, not because hes Yang's blood uncle, but because Qrow has been apart of Tai's life and chosen family as far back as STRQ.

Qrow's felt like a outsider to Tai ever since (and every time) things got serious with whoever Tai's dating. Qrow felt like a third wheel when Tai was with Raven, and Qrow was to raw from the increasingly strained relationship with Raven to let go of Summer and Tai when they got together. And ever since Qrow has felt like he was there in Tai's life but no longer apart of it. Even after Tai recovered from his depression, Qrow felt like a visitor in the house he still considers his home despite being called "uncle".

And Tai knows Qrow broke ties with Tribe soon after Beacon, and Raven hadnt truely been his sister in 20 years, but to have what you known from literal birth taken from you still hurt. And now Tai knows Qrow isnt drinking so the only way he can cope is by not thinking about it.

So Tai had to tell Qrow what he meant to him

And when he found out about Tyrian he realized Qrow couldve died not knowing Tai still loves him

Tai ends up ranting about all the things he loves about Qrow, about how he regrets that almost every word said to Qrow in the last 15 years has been unkind

Qrow is now confused to if this is a fixing my mistakes kind of thing or a love confession

So he asks

And Tai gets a little sheepish because it was a fixing my mistakes because i love you thing but a little past halfway into his rant he realized hes IN love with Qrow and has been for a while now

And Qrow decides f it. Tai is doing his embarrassed thing Qrow still finds cute even now when theyre middle aged adults getting their first gray hairs. So Qrow gets up from the cheap academy table theyre sitting at and kisses Tai

"After the world stops ending do you wanna try that dating thing again?" "You think we'll make it past one week this time?" "I actually meant since you havent gone on a date in about 15 years." "Oh. Well im pretty sure you havent been on a proper date since Beacon" "Are you gonna take me on a proper date then?" "Yeah"

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[ar1mas]

i know, right?? like why would he do that? seriously, why? ok its rant time again

im aware that neither ed nor oswald are very physically strong or know how to wring a gun out of someones hand before they shoot you (even if penn is literally a stick figure be real would their physical weaknesses really have been that big a problem here), but ed didnt try anything before he shot penn. like he just played along. and we know why. not because he didnt wanna risk oswalds life. i mean, yes, but also. "the real reason."

"honestly you deserve this."

because oswald definitely did. the humiliation of being called out for his mistakes. having his life threatened by a former ally. oswald is a horrible person, we all know this, he deserves this. so why did ed change his mind after penn was no longer a threat?

i mean, i already kinda talked about it in the og rant, but i just gotta. ed was jealous, right?

"hello, mr. cobblepot."

eyeroll. guess im putting my gun away.

"this is mr. scarface."

"wonderful."

"oh this is great. im going back to work." these are the friends you choose to have? youre putting this guy on the same level as me?

"he made me tell him about your… treasure." he knows about the treasure. he knows about the treasure? our treasure?

"penn. i think you need a rest. and perhaps a psychiatrist." why does his well-being matter? why cant i just shoot him instead?

ok im done quoting the scene. for now. the point has been driven home. ed gets jealous. just a little bit jelly. but who cares, it doesnt matter, just pretend theres nothing going on. oswald deserves this.

he was willing to let this whole ordeal slide, because even if this is not worth eds time, and, honestly, its an insult to his senses having to deal with this just because he couldnt kill one of oswalds former allies before it got as far as it ended up getting, in a weird way, this is funny.

then oswald says the line. i wont quote it here again (mainly bc if i do i will cry and wont be able to type anymore). he says it, and its very clear who hes also saying it to.

oswald didnt directly apologise. that wouldve been too much character development for one episode, and frankly, too much development than wouldve been in-character. but he says something. 2 years of not acknowledging his faults, his part in destroying the friendship they had. but now he says it.

i know. i know i messed things up between us. i own up to the things i did to you. i regret it, every day i regret it.

thats huge. like, i cant put to words how crazy it is for oswald, the "spoiled child who throws a tantrum any time he doesnt get what he wants" to even hint on the fact that he mightve done something wrong. ed knows this. he knows oswald like the back of his hand, and he knows that oswald wouldnt do this for anyone. anyone, except edward.

and thats the moment when the situation changes for ed. thats the moment the decides it isnt funny anymore, oswald doesnt deserve this anymore. because if oswald finally apologises for what he did to him, edward is gonna forgive him. edward is gonna start over with him. edward is gonna say, "i heard you. i forgive you. lets put all the things we did to each other behind us, once and for all." edward gets to be jealous now.

ed would only shoot penn after he wasnt about to kill oswald if penn was still a nuisance, if ed was still jealous, if ed believed oswald was his and was gonna act on it.

and the funny ('funny'. definition of the word in this context: crying screaming kicking feet grinding teeth my poor heart cant take it) thing is, oswald sees this, too.

edward kills penn, then says something about being friends, and- ok. you can actually pinpoint the second his heart rips in half. with realisation. with love.

"i accept you for the person that you are, just as you accept me for the cold logician that i am."

"thats why this friendship is great."

he knows. look at him. actually dont, hes a mess. but IM looking and im on the floor crying, and dont help me up, this is what i chose to do with my life. im in therapy i promise.

he knows. hes glad. and he says,

"perhaps, edward, we really are meant for each other."

they laugh afterwards, but we all know how true those words are. hes saying, "i know. i understand what youre telling me. you wanna move on. i do too."

and… omg dont look at me im crying so hard. wheres the keybosrd. i donz- i dobt knoe,., i csnt sre-

ahem. excuse me. the point. oswald knows and lets ed know. so ed knows that os knows that ed knows what os was saying. ok ok no wait. the actual point. inhale, ed was jealous af of penn fsr, the reason being he doesnt want oswald to have another man in his life, because hes in love with him, but hed only let himself be in love with him (again) if oswald admitted his faults, which is then the reason why ed kills penn after hes no longer a threat, because he wanted to this whole time but didnt for oswalds sentimentalitys sake, because he loves him, but after what oswald said, he lets himself be in love with oswald selfishly, aka the jealous way. exhale.

oh my god, hes such a hypocrite. "love is about sacrifice" my ass. look at you! what are you doing?! youre a hypocrite, ed, and im gonna LET you be, because idc i just want you two together. ..but youre a hypocrite.

thats all. i promise im done. i didnt expect anyone to see this, but here we are. thank you so much. im gonna cry in the corner of my room now. have a lovely day yall.

tl;dr ed is sooo gay for os its making him act PATHETIC. ok serious. ed killed penn because hes a jealous bastard. i lied about the serious.

- a rant

no because ive watched this stupid show 5 years ago, and i only noticed this now?? how???

ok. some context first. this is about fox' gotham, a prequel series to batman. or at least a potential one with slight changes. one of those changes is the relationship between oswald cobblepot and edward nygma (spelled with a 'y' for mayhap legal reasons? idfk its silly). whats their relationship like in the show? well...

theyre gay af. idk what to tell you.

okay so oswalds gay as fuck. edwards... ambiguous. totally ambiguous. he had a girlfriend or 2 and a half (kristen kringle, the-woman-who-shall-not-be-named (aka kristen but... blonde? this show is weird), and lee. not comfy counting lee, but technically shes one, hence the 'and a half')! very straight, much hetero (on another side note how tf is oswald the gay one, like i know he wears make-up and shit but eddies all about theatrics and showmanship and flair and hOW IS OSWALD THE GAY ONE NEXT TO HIM?? ok anyway).

so oswald was (is. be real.) canonically in love with ed, ed was.........., and 'penguin in love' is a piece of music composed by david russo for season three in which the whole "im in love with my best friend" thing took place.

that song has been used all over season three, as far as i can tell not once in season four, and once in season five.

.....or so i thought.

because yesterday, while in another obsession phase (of which i get one a few times a year. ive only ever watched the show once, in 2019, when it ended. still dream about nygmobblepot though. i dont dream about media, like ever, but with them, its different), i saw 5x8 to satiate my never satisfied craving of nygmob scenes, obviously skipping the main story bc i dont care about that straight shit. i got to the scene where oswald kills mr. scarface and frees arthur penn from said mr. scarface, after which ed shoots him in the head because thats what one does in such a situation, thought "aw how cute", again, as one does, and then realised.

what was that background music just now? rewinds.... oh. oh haha, its 'penguin in love'. how fun.

WHAT.

WHY IS THAT IN THERE. WHY DID THEY INCLUDE IT.

correction. it wouldve made sense to have it here. they used it in 5x5 for the speech about not backstabbing each other (wedding vows for murderers fr fr), so using it again after their relationship has solidified wouldve made sense.

note how im saying 'would have'.

because it would have made sense, if they used it when ed said "i accept you for the person that you are, just as you accept me for the cold logician that i am. thats why this friendship is great." they didnt, though. they used another equally heartfelt song for that. dunno what its called, it sounds a bit like 'penguin in love' but isnt, not sure if that one has a specific meaning like 'penguin in love' does.

so when was the song used? at 36:08 – 36:17. barely ten seconds, right before eds lines, right before ed kills penn.

...right when penn was sitting in oswalds lap because theyd been fighting for the gun and os fell on the ground.

now. the most obvious answer to "why in the fucking hell" would be because ooh this dudes on his lap so sexy, but no. no. 'penguin in love' is about one specific thing: love. the pure kind. the kind that makes you giddy with butterflies in your stomach, kicking your legs, while youre on your bed, writing in your diary about this guy you have a crush on. and oswald and penn do have history, oswald was more or less fond of penn, but not in love (i mean where would he have found the room in his heart if it was already filled with EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD martin my sweet boy EDWARD EDWARD EDWA-). im also definitely not thinking that penn was so happy about being free from mr. scarfaces influence and not having to kill oswald (oh yeah, the horror. who would wanna kill oswald, the guy with the big ego, who never does anything for anyone without some kind of endgoal- well, unless your name is edward of course) that he instantly fell in love with the guy. i can deal with the homicidal kind of crazy, but that? no. thats where i draw the line.

the next most obvious answer is that it was about oswalds love for ed. more believable, since its what the song was made for, but more believable doesnt mean believable. or likely. because even if i 100% believe that hes been loving this dude for so long its not something he has to think about anymore for it to be true, im pretty sure that itd be very random to suddenly focus on that when oswald was just about to die. so no, even if its what the song is intrinsically about.

so next most obvious answer is- wait. thats it. huh? theres no obvious answer anymore? everything else is brainrot? oh. oh well. its been five years, im sure its too late to worry about it now. what the hell.

im sure you know where im going with this. or maybe not. honestly idk what the fuck im talking about-

youre smart. you know what im about to say. if it wasnt about what oswald was feeling because he was otherwise preoccupied, and it wasnt about penn because that makes no fucking sense, then who was this song used for? who else was in the room?

...oh.

YOU.

YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. YOU STUPID DENSE PIECE OF-

inhale, exhale. no. don’ get mad, you know he cant help it. you know hes totally helpless when it comes to emotions. just breathe. ok.

i hate him. i hate him so much.

if the song wasnt for oswalds sake, it was for his. because i know hes in love with oswald, but does ed? does the producers??

'penguin in love' is about oswalds love. its about his love for edward. its about their love, their relationship. its about edward just as much as it is about oswald.

a-fucking-PPARANTLY, I DIDNT KNOW THAT!! I JUST THOUGHT OH YEAH OZZY BE THE GAY ONE HAHA FUNNY, I DIDNT KNOW IT COULD BE ABOUT ED DIRECTLY!!!

(why am i like this? what is my life? i will never be normal.)

ed has always been the obsessive one. first kristen (and the woman who shall not be named is just an extention of that ofc), then oswald, then lee. and as weve seen with kristen, when hes obsessed with someone, he can become possessive. absolutely not on the scale oswald is on, but still. theres a wee bit of jelly there. oh you have a boyfriend? better get rid of him! oh you wanna run away from me bc i murdered your boyfriend? better keep you right in place and- oh shit did i kill you? ono D:

this is a huge oversimplification, but you get the point. its there. or at least it has to be there because why else do you get so angy that someone is sitting in the lap of your just friend because they were fighting and they ended up in that position totally accidentally? like thats not normal behaviour, for anyone, unless you have possessive tendencies.

i mean its not like penn was a threat in any way. "he wasnt the threat, the dummy was the-" like i understand ed told penn about the submarine which was supposed to be a secret, but come on, like they couldnt make sure penn wouldnt say anything. so why would ed shoot him? its not even like penn was a random dude where that type of thing would be very inconsequential, oswald knew him. hed worked for oswald, and like i said, oswald was more or less fond of the guy. penns just a poor little meow meow, y u kil him eddie? 🥺

unless this fondness was part of the problem. unless ed saw how happy oswald was to see him, got annoyed but let it slide, then used penn attacking os and knowing about the sub as an excuse to kill him. and why would oswald being happy to see penn be a problem to ed? it wouldnt be. it wouldnt be, unless ed thinks oswald is his.

which makes sense. i know im calling him names and calling him out, but like. oswald told him he loved him like 5 times 2 years prior, i dont blame him for believing that maybe theres something to it (especially since that was the point of 3x14, oswald really being in love with him and surprising himself with it). but i thought ed didnt feel the same way? because hes very hetero? because he had a full-on girlfriend before, twice, technically? because-

"the truth is oswald, you would sacrifice anyone to save your own neck. even me."

"like i said! you will always fail, because youll never change."

hm. i know this is a bit off topic, but i just got a war-flashback and... why did ed sound so hurt when he said that? "youll never change." "you would sacrifice anyone. even me." why does he care? they were friends, best friends, yes, but why does he sound like a heartbroken wife who just found out her husband cheated on her again? why does-

"honestly you deserve this. you are opportunistic, your loyalty is.. shaking, at best, and you will hurt anyone, anyone, to get what you want."

"and yes, i was not a good friend. to you or anyone. its why im alone. but i saw you for what you are and i valued that!"

...why would edward nygma, the man who literally said "i dont love you" to oswald, be jealous of even the idea that maybe penn could have something going on with oswald? and why would he act on it if hes usually so careful to not reveal his feelings (unless its about kristen. the original obsession, the american dream, the just be normal, show them you are normal, and people will accept you)? he wouldnt.

unless oswald just told him that he knows he messed up. that hes sorry for it.

and unless that made him think that maybe theres a chance.

"love is about sacrifice. its about putting someone elses needs and happiness before your own."

"you gave up your revenge for me?"

a chance... for what?

"life begins anew."

"shall we get to work?"

and if theres a chance, hes not about to risk losing it. not this time.

so maybe 'penguin in love' is about more than just oswalds feelings. maybe they were trying to tell us that, yes, we see you traumatised gay kid, were sorry this is all we can give you, but here you go, eds in love with him too, but don’t tell the channel. subtlely. just for barely ten seconds. and maybe it can be enough.

nope, it wont be. im gonna sit here crying about the injustice of not having them kiss on screen in the finale as was originally intended for the rest of my life. seriously though, what is this, nbc's hannibal, where im noticing something new details every single time i watch the show, causing me to spiral? no, i was already spiralling. the spiralling was the reason i rewatched the scene. the scene simply made it worse.

so yeah, im done freaking out about a mediocre show that was cancelled 5 years ago and is honestly not worth anyones time (like, its ok. it might even be better than i remember since its been so long. i doubt it. but its ok).

tl;dr: ive only now realised that a specific gay song plays in a specific episode of a show i watched 5 years ago and the only reason theyd include it in the episode is if the dude that was not canonically in love with the other dude was in fact gay, they just werent allowed to make it canon, so they added the gay song to subtlely tell us about it.

have a wonderful day, hellsite. dont do what i did and go crazy about fictional gay people. i know you will though, that’s why im here too. i hate gay people. these two make me homophobic so bad, i wanna gauge my eyes out and skin myself-

[extreme-technicality]

does talking to an anon help about ninjago help? cuz I'm down

DHDKCKGSC YES IT DOES THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OFFERING YOUR SERVICES

Okay now that I know I won’t be clogging people’s dashes buckle the fuck in my dude and I should stress that I literally would not be talking about this as much as I will be if I didn’t genuinely enjoy the show. I’m gonna go season by season and just Rant

S1 has the serpentine as the bbeg and like, as far as villains go they’re p lit. They’re early enough that they haven’t been done to hell, things are fresh, the characters and dynamics are being fleshed out, and all in all s1 is a pretty solid season. There’s some fuckery that gets brought up re: how the FUCK aging works and what the actual timeline of Ninjago is and how Wu and Garmadon fit into that timeline, fuckery that LITERALLY NEVER GETS RESOLVED IN A SATISFYING WAY BC ITS REVEALED IN A LATER SEASON (s8, dw we’ll get there lmao) THAT THE ONLY REASON THE FIRST SPINJITSU MASTER, WU, AND GARMADON LIVED AS LONG AS THEY DID IS CUZ THEYRE BASICALLY DEMIGODS AND ITS IMPLIED THAT LLOYD WILL ALSO LIVE FOR A LONG ASS TIME WHICH MEANS ONE DAY HES GONNA OUTLIVE ALL HIS FRIENDS AND EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED WHICH IS A FUN THING TO THINK ABOUT AT NIGHT But anyway I digress, s1 also coincidentally introduces Lloyd (he wasn’t in the pilot episodes that set up the rest of the series) and the existence of Evil Dad Garmadon.

S2 is where Garmadon starts acting a lot more Evil and a lot less Dad. He’s the main antagonist for that season, and I actually read somewhere that the show was originally slated to end after s2 which high key explains the fuckery of literally every single season after this lmaooooo. Much like s1, I really can’t find much to complain about, the first two seasons are pretty decent as far as I can remember

Season. Fucking. Three. Where the fuck do I start??? I hate season three for entirely personal reasons revolving around the STUPID GODDAMN ROMANCE WRITING. okay lemme back up and explain a thing first so, Jay is dating Nya and they’re fine, they’re going steady, aND THEN????? THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON INTRODUCES BULLSHIT LOVE TRIANGLE FUCKERY FOR ZERO GODDAMN REASON, BITCH I HATE LOVE TRIANGLES AND I HATE THEM EVEN MORE WHEN THEYRE DONE FOR NO GODDAMN REASON!!! AND THEN. AS IF THAT WERENT ENOUGH. THEY SHOEHORNED A ROBOT ROMANCE BETWEEN ZANE AND PIXAL AND I KNOW I RANTED ABOUT THIS A LITTLE BIT WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING BUT I DIDNT GO INTO ENOUGH DETAIL!!!! THEY MADE THE OTHER NINJA OOC IN ORDER TO PROP UP THEIR SHIP!!!!!! AND AT ONE POINT ZANE GOES “its like we were…made for each other” AND I HAD TO FUCUCJDHVE I HAD TO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW BRO, IM SO TIRED!!!! NO THE FUCK YOU WERENT!!!!!! YOU WERE MADE FOR YOU AND PIXAL WAS MADE FOR PIXAL AND IF YALLS WANNA BANG BOLTS THATS FINE BUT DONT IMPLY THAT EITHER OF YOU WERE MADE INCOMPLETE!!!! THATS AN INSULT TO YOUR MAKERS AND YOURSELVES, MOVE ON, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. anyway that season also killed Zane (for the first time, but not the last) (spoiler alert lmao) and like, not to be an emotional little shit but I did cry a bit at his funeral.

S4 is honestly one of my favorites, even though the romance crimes continue (the love triangle bullshit is continuing and honestly I maintain that Cole, Nya, and Jay should all have gotten together and in my personal canon they DID, and also Kai has a forced romance) the VILLAIN makes up for it imo. He’s campy!! He’s funny!! He’s a clown!! He’s serious enough that if he says “I’m gonna kill you” HE MEANS IT and that’s so fucking refreshing!!!! S4 is honestly 8/10 just for the villain alone, don’t like that it retconned the SHIT out of the elemental masters and how many different elements there are TO master but eh, it’s ninjago, shit is stupid.

S5 was…interesting? OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT S3 INTRODUCED A GARMADON WHO WAS A LOT LESS EVIL AND A LOT MORE DAD, HONESTLY I THOUGHT IT TOOK A LOT OF THE FLAVOR OUT BUT THATS JUST ME LMAOOO. anyway s5 killed Garmadon, and I was a little sad cuz I like him okay??? I just think he’s NEAT, he’s got big dad energy, he was teaching Lloyd some shit that just got DROPPED and literally was never brought up again which is honestly a theme in Ninjago. Ninjago drinking game: take a shot every time they introduce a plot point or ability and drop it at or before the end of the season. WHICH THEY ALSO DID IN S5 WITH A DIFFERENT POWER ACTUALLY, so all the ninja are masters of Spinjitsu right, well s5 introduced the concept of Airjitsu which only Spinjitsu masters can learn and it lets them FLY and they used that for seasons 5 and 6 and then they nEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN EVEN THOUGH IT WOULDVE COME IN HANDY FOR S E V E R A L DIFFERENT SITUATIONS ACROSS THE SEASONS, ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FALLING TO THEIR DOOM AND MY ASS WOULD BE YELLING “YOU CAN FLY, DUMBASS” - anyway, they do that again later lmao it’s fine. But what’s low key NOT fine is they made Nya the WATER NINJA!!! Like I’m not mad she has powers, except I kinda am, she was doing just fine as Samurai X and honestly the only reason she has super special ninja powers is for plot reasons. Also Cole got turned into a ghost, but by s7 he’s????? No longer a ghost????????? And that’s NEVER addressed or reasoned away, so like. Cool lmao

S6 didn’t happen. Like, canonically, s6 ends with wish fuckery that undoes the entire season and none of the characters remember anything that happened except Jay and Nya because S6 is the season where they get back together so they remember all those events for???? Feelings reasons?????? Unclear, moving on. The actual bbeg for S6 was a djinn with a vaguely Spanish accent, and to this DAY I don’t know why they made him have a SPANISH accent. Djinn are Arabic, not Spanish!! They’re not central or South American, either!!!! Your villain design makes no sense, do better

S7 had MORE time fuckery, and retconned what happened to Kai and Nya’s parents and hmmmhmhmhmhmhm that makes me Upsetti Spaghetti :3 not just the retconning, but the fact that they LITERALLY brought them back oNLY TO NEVER MENTION THEM AGAIN!!!!!! LITERALLY!!!!!!!! Okay so at the VERY very beginning, like pilot episodes beginning, Kai talks about their dad like he died/left fairly recently, BUT s7 contradicts that and claims that both of their parents were essentially abducted when Kai and Nya were little kids, which makes me question what in the fresh fuck two little kids were doing for all those years alone. SETTING THAT ASIDE FOR A HOT SECOND, their parents were also apparently good friends of Wu’s and old war buddies (from the Serpentine wars, which is YET ANOTHER bit of the timeline that doesn’t quite add up but honestly I could make a whole other post about that shit). But if they were such good fucking friends, why didn’t Wu check in every now and again??? What the fuck was Wu doing that was so fucking important that he couldn’t have been assed to visit his friends ONCE in like TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS and realize “oh shit, they’re not here and there are two tiny children running around unsupervised…My Kids Now : )” LIKE????? WU YOU LOW KEY SHOULDA LOOKED OUT FOR YOUR FRIENDS’ KIDS BETTER, THEY COULDA DIED BRO!!! Uhhhh the time fuckery also results in Wu getting yeeted ahead in time a bit and the ninja gotta find him

Season. Eight. I have…mixed feelings about this one. The beginning absolutely SLAUGHTERED me, and not in a “this is so fucking funny” way. No, the beginning made me feel like I was being flayed alive with just about every episode because Ninjago was back on its forced romance bullshit and this time it was Lloyd’s turn on the chopping block. That hurt my soul cuz like, look at that mans color scheme, he’s CLEARLY alloaro, why are you forcing romance on my aro man, why would you hurt me like that, BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE AND THE GIRL HE WAS BEING SET UP WITH HAD A LITTLE HEART TO HEART REALLY EARLY ON AND IT WAS THE MOST QUEER CODED SHIT!!!! IT DEADASS READ AS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN AN OUT AND PROUD QUEER AND A CLOSETED QUEER AND THEY MADE!!! IT!!!!! STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! The only thing that kept me watching at first was wanting to find Wu, and then I started enjoying myself once Cole found a plot-relevant baby and had fatherhood thrust upon him. Everything went from “ehhhhh” to “holy shit this FUCKS” once it was revealed that Rumi (Lloyd’s love interest) wAS PLAYING HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND WAS EVIL AND HAD AN EVIL GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! LITERALLY IMPROVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SEASON FOR ME, I COULD EVEN FORGIVE THE WHOLE “let’s resurrect Garmadon, but as evil as possible” BULLSHIT!!!!!!

S9 is a continuation of s8, Garmadon is back and 1000% Evil, 10% Dad, but none of the Dad energies is directed at Lloyd - it’s all directed at Rumi, and honestly I could write a whole ass post on just RUMI cuz that’s honestly my DAUGHTER and I LOVE HER and I’m MAD SHE DIES AT THE END OF THIS SEASON!!!! SHE DESERVED THERAPY AND TO LIVE WITH HER GF AND MAYBE SOME CRIME. AS A TREAT. RUMI DESERVED BETTER AND LOW KEY IM GONNA WRITE A FIC ABOUT IT, BUT ANYWAY WHERE WAS I

Ah right, so s9 has the four major Ninja stuck in the original dimension with no way home, while Lloyd has no powers (cuz he almost died last season) and has to somehow lead a resistance against Garmadon (who has taken control of Ninjago City and is working on the rest of Ninjago). Actually, s9 is pretty cool. Like, the end of s8 and into s9 are low key my favorite episodes, and I kinda wanna rewatch them now -

S10 is a FUN one. Garmadon got got last season, but he didn’t DIE, so he’s in cold storage and now there’s Another Threat and he’s the only one who knows wtf they’re up against so they let him out and he works with them. The funny part is, he is still Very Much Evil and doesn’t quite Get emotions like he did when he was, uh, human lmao, sO HE WOKE UP EVERY DAY DURING THAT SEASON AND DECIDED TO CAUSE PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING SHIT. 1000000/10 MY FAVORITE GARMADON, he ended that season by literally fucking off into Ninjago and they never decided to track him down 😭😭😭😭😭and I’m so SAD about it dude

S11 has another Serpentine as the bbeg, though in the setup to that they retconned how the fucking Serpentine tribes and history work??? I think???? Also Wu was a good 150% angrier and generally Done with the ninja’s shit, which was honestly refreshing tho I’m not quite sure I liked what the refreshed view was, but whatever lmao. S11 also had the ninja get yeeted to the dimension farthest from Ninjago, and honestly - okay, so they didn’t all go at the same TIME, Zane left about a week or two before the others did but there was time dilation fuckery afoot which I’m not too mad about cuz low key it makes sense. What I AM mad about is that they didn’t play the angst up to its full POTENTIAL!!!!!! Zane was EVIL in the other dimension!!!! Okay so I’m Ninjago he was only gone for maybe a week or two, but DECADES had passed in the other one, and all that time Zane was alone and disconnected from everyone he knew and loved, with a staff that boosted his power while slowly corrupting him and Turning Him Evil to help him, and like???? The thought of Zane trying to find a way home, trying to get SOME sort of message back, while he has to use the staff more and more to help him survive the long, lonely decades, so that by the time his family DOES show up its too late??? BRO. B R O. THAT JUST HITS DIFFERENT, BUT NINJAGO DIDNT DO THAT!!! THEY MADE HIM EVIL DUE TO MEMORY WIPE!!!!!! MEMORY WIPE IS BABY SHIT COMPARED TO A LONG, SLOW CORRUPTION!!!!!!

S12 was alright. It went into Cole’s mom, touched on some of the adventures she had had, threatened another forced romance (this time on poor Cole, just leave my mans ALONE) but thankfully didn’t follow through this time, introduced cool new powers that honestly hasn’t been elaborated on since that’s the most recent season I think lmao

Anyway thanks for reading and letting me rant!!!! I have,,So Much More I could talk about, PLEASE ask me about Rumi, some of my headcanons re: Garmadon and Wu’s dynamic, the Serpentine, my top five times they butchered Kai’s character for Plot Reasons, or anything else I brought up here that you want me to elaborate on!!!

[pinkykitten]

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before Headcanons

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before 

Warning: did not re-read srry 

Requested: By @mega-trash-cringe To all the boys I’ve loved before head cannons?

Authors Note: i was gonna add lara jean but i didnt so if u would like her (i only do her with male) headcanon or anything fic related pls request i will write it! did u guys see the news for tatbilb 2? they r gonna add jordan fisher which i love he was in like the other casting of hamilton but he sings so good and i just love him. then they r also adding ROSS BUTLER OHMYGODIMSCREAMINGIMSOEXCITED!!!!! like if yall know he is one of my bbys i love 13 reasons why and i love everyone from there and he is just such a sweetheart <3<3<3 this is a bit long especially peter’s part so enjoy! 

Peter Kavinsky 

first off your guys relationship is real

you met when you um...fell face first in front of everyone on the track court (lol i hope thats what its called cuz like girl my school was CHEAP we didnt have anything like that)

he was like your knight in shining armor

“whoa whoa whoa (gotta add those whoas) you okay there y/n”

now since that day you two are inseparable 

legit are COUPLES GOALS

piggyback rides™

like whenever you feel way too tired to walk or anything (cuz ur lazy like moi) he literally will pick you up like you dont way a thing and put you on his back

you also trying to get him on your back but you fail miserably and you two end up laughing so hard

you two sharing a shake or something at the cafe

 if there is a song he likes or you like he will be the one to say “lets dance”

you of course refuse cause you’re shy and there are legit people trying to eat

“c’mon girl you gotta dance with me”

almost like begging

finally give in and you two will start dancing in front of everyone

standing on his toes while you two dance

nicknames

will pick you up from school or literally anywhere

COUPLES BRACELETS

that boi never takes it offfff, like never

tells you everyday how beautiful you are 

even without makeup and you are full of acne and look like you just got ran over he will kiss all your pimples all over your face and tell you how cute you are and how much he loves you both ways

he legit is a sweetheart icanttakeit

taking long trips into town or across town to your favorite stores

already knows what songs you like and puts them on the radio just to hear you sing

oh boi oh boi when he hears you sing its like he’s fallen in love again

“god babe, you sound amazing. i wish i sang like you”

two would dance like crazy teenagers in his car

him trying to sing to you

holding your hand while driving which you slap him for that, “all hands on the wheel kavinsky”

likes it when you boss him around

when you go onto bus rides with him or in his car across town he will buy all your favorite snacks

ALL. OF. THEM.

loves buying you gifts

almost everyday he is buying you something

THIS BOI IS SO EXTRA I SWEAR!!! 

going to a field trip you will probably (lol i used to but i fell asleep against the cold window and like i had no one who sat by me...*all by myself by celine dion starts playing in the background*...im fine) fall asleep and if your neck is turned into an uncomfortable position peter will straighten it out for you and place your head gently on his shoulder

giving you kisses all over while you’re sleeping

also many many many many many many pictures of you sleeping, awake, eating you name it that boi’s camera roll is all full of you

changes his background to his phone like everyday!

SUPER PROTECTIVE OF YOU

especially at parties

he will have his hand resting on your hip or just resting on you so people know not to mess with you

if someone starts to bully you or hurt you in any way peter will threaten them and make them super scared

no one messes with his baby

have any fights he does ignore you but he cant ignore you for long cause he loves you and you are just so cute and sweet and you always make it up to him

have any issues with your fam or friends and you need to sleep over his house for some time just to find yourself he lets you and you sleep either on his bed or if you’re not comfortable he makes a bed on his floor that he sleeps on and you sleep in his bed

comforting you all the time when he sees your sad

cuddles

ever have your period he will get all your snacks and get anything you need

pads? hes got it. tampons? “girl i got that already covered.” chocolate? please he on that too. 

holy smokes you both have a couples handshake that lasts longer than professor x and magneto’s beef with each other

both text each other memes and vines

oh god vine references 4 DAYS SON

he is so understanding of you

yours guy thing i know is so weird but is watching like all the housewives shows

peter has his favorite and you two watch it in his bed cuddled up

he trash talks the tv and like starts with his, “nuh uh girl whatcha think you doing?”

aint ashamed or embarrassed to watch it

like during school hours he will go up to you while you’re in a conversation and its like “remember baby housewives day!”

when you guys go to a library you read for like a what 3 seconds and then you two make out in the corner and the librarian has to interrupt you two stating that its too noisy

all in all peter is your baby and you would protect him with your life, he’s your soul your everything and he feels the same way about you two your relationship is so vanilla and adorable it makes grown men cry

Josh Sanderson

you started a relationship with josh after he and margot split

it felt wrong to you at first and you tried to push the feelings away

josh is such a cinnamon roll

he is always so kind to you

he makes sure you’re okay and happy

you couldn't push him away any longer and decided to accept him as your boyfriend

at first pda was strange because of his relationship with margot but soon you showed it in baby steps at school around town

now holding his hand seems normal to you

hes the first one to text you

his texts are beautiful and so heart felt

like poetry

he is such a gentleman

listen to you with all his heart

sleepovers always on sundays

as you lean on his shoulder he reads to you and you fall asleep

go to school together, he downloads all your favorite music or favorite audibles and puts the other ear plug in your ear so you two share

or watch hilarious videos of like fails or gordan ramsay (*sigh* the perfect relationship)

sometimes you two act out his things on the cooking show tv

yeah with the accent

people look at you two like what have yall been smoking

already talking about when you two have kids and like what house and the name of those kids

“okay but we should also have a dog in the mix and name him something like cactus”

god hes just so adorable sometimes you wanna cry

during break in school you two go to the bleaching boards or whatever you call those seats and you sit on his lap

best moments to kiss 

you also share snacks

play all the time heads up

come over to his house to study

but we all know its just to make out

having moments when you feel self conscious or insecure he sits you down on his lap or across from him and looks you straight in the eyes making you do the same and tells you how amazing you are and important to him and how much he loves you

since you sleepover his house so much you two have matching pjs

PILLOW FIGHTS ALL THE TIME

he rants to you and discusses with you about comics

wants to name his kid tony for tony stark

“c’mon babe tony sanderson sounds pretty cool you have to admit”

fishing trips all the time

YOU CANT FISH AT ALL

you endure for his sake

teaches you about all the fishes

you buy him a fish blanket

now you two cuddle with it all the time

masks

you bring over your clay mask or those really really slimy ones and make josh wear one

“oh my god how do you even wear these things?”

the black mask one that hurts as well

he almost cries

you kiss his boo boos

take pics like that with the mask on

take cute and weird pics for instagram

NECK KISSES

wearing matching outfits 

compliments you so genuinely and lovingly all the time

if you ever hurt yourself or like cut your finger he will get so worried and kiss it lightly

“there all better baby”

OF COURSE ITS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

you love sitting on his lap

he nuzzles into your neck almost like a cat

making him things legit makes the boi wanna cry

lovez baking together

is such a help in the kitchen he wants to make sure he’s involved

pinky promises with the little kiss at the end

“till the end princess”

you just practically wanna marry this man

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @fangirl-4-life415, @dirbel, @marwantr

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[imagines-for-the-fangirls-soul]

Christmas At the Burrow - Fred Weasley

On the sixth day of Christmas . . .

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader Word Count: 2,409 Synopsis: After the joke shop gets attacked, Fred and the reader are forced to spend Christmas at the Burrow with his extended family.

A loud clang from downstairs drew your attention, and your heart started to beat loudly as you raced down the stairs. There was always sound coming from the joke shop downstairs, but this one was different. As you reached the door, you stopped, listening carefully.

“Freddie?” you called softly. There was no longer any sound coming from the shop at all. You shoved open the door, your wand at the ready. Fred and George were both on the ground. “What the hell is going on?”

“Avada Kedavra!” You dropped to the ground as a bright green jet fired above your head. 

“You okay?” George asked, looking up at you. You nodded as you tried to crawl across the destroyed floor of the joke shop. 

“What’s wrong with him?” you asked, motioning to Fred who wasn’t moving much. 

“Took a hit to the head, he’ll be alright.” You got over to the twins hiding behind the register, taking Fred’s hand. He smiled through the pain coming from the bleeding cut on his head.

“I know you’re still here, bitch!” You looked over at George who shook his head at you. You winked before standing and stunning the Death Eater quickly approaching you. 

“Is he the only one?” you asked, taking his wand. 

“I think so. Come on, Fred,” George said, helping his brother stand. “We’ve got to get out of here.”

“And you said keeping the business open wouldn’t be safe,” Fred said with a laugh. You rolled your eyes as you obliviated the Death Eater’s mind. 

“Let’s go.”

“I told him, I told him a thousand times! It’s a good thing this happened. The next time, it would have been murder!” Mrs. Weasley yelled as she cleaned the cut on Fred’s forehead. 

“Mum, we get it, you don’t have to keep going,” George said, shooting you a look. 

“Clearly I do! It’s a lucky thing Y/N was upstairs or who knows what could have happened to you.”

“Y’know, Mum, this is kind of hurting my head more than the spell did.” She smacked his arm, but shut up as she finished bandaging him. 

“You’re not going back there. The lot of you,” she said finally before walking out of the room. 

“At least we’ll be closer to the Order,” George said, relaxing on the couch. You sighed, standing up. You left the living room and walked up the steps of the burrow, finding Fred’s old bedroom.

“Ginny,” you said with a smile when you walked in. 

“Hey,” she said, sitting up in bed. “How are you?”

“We’re fine. I thought that Mrs. Weasley would be putting us in here.”

“Mum turned my room into a hotel for any visiting Order members. There’s an extra bed in Charlie’s room for George. I think she was going to put you two up in Ron’s room.”

“With the ghoul?” Ginny laughed as she politely pushed you out of the room. As the door shut Fred touched your arm. His left arm was leaning on the shelf over your head, a smile on his face.

“Dad forced the ghoul into the attic again.” You nodded, walking past him. “Y/N?”

“Hmm?” you asked, continuing to walk.

“You alright?” He grabbed your hand, stopping you halfway to Ron’s bedroom. 

“Yeah.”

“I promise we won’t be here long.” You brushed his cheek and walked to Ron’s bedroom. The bright orange walls burned your eyes, and you instantly turned off the light to make it more subtle. 

“We aren’t going back to the shop, Fred,” you said, sitting down on Ron’s twin bed. 

“Not tonight.”

“Not ever.” He frowned as he sat down next to you.

“What are you talking about?”

“That’s the sixth break-in in a month. There’s no way we’re going back there.” He pushed some of your hair behind your ears and frowned.

“Things will settle down. We’ll be back just in time for Christmas.”

“Six days?” You rolled your eyes and flopped down on the bed.

“I promise, everything will be fine. Besides, I left your Christmas presents there.” You groaned, sitting up and grabbing his collar. You pulled him down on top of you, looking him in the eyes.

“Fred, I don’t care about the presents. We’re not going back there because I’m not going to risk losing you again. I’m scared.” Fred frowned, pulling you into his chest. He kissed your head as you cried gently.

“I’m sorry. You’ve been so strong. I didn’t realize-”

“How hard it is for me?” you finished. He nodded as you laughed. “Freddie, I know it’s hard on all of us, but you’re being stubborn. We don’t have to put ourselves at risk.”

“So you’d rather live with my Mum?” You laughed again, snuggling into his chest.

“If it means we all stay alive? Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you weren’t the one who befriended Harry Potter seven years ago. How were you supposed to know that he would become your brother’s best friend and bring mortal danger into the lives of your family.” He snorted as he threw the horrendously orange blanket around the two of you.

“Are you sure you don’t mind pink?” Mrs. Weasley asked you, frantically knitting by the fireplace three days before Christmas.

“I like pink,” you replied, wrapping up a pair of mittens you had horribly knitted for Fred. 

“I’ll just make you a blue one, too.”

“Mrs. Weasley that’s really not necessary.” She ignored you as she reached into her basket and pulled out a large ball of blue yarn. You sighed, reaching for another box that Mrs. Weasley gave you to wrap. 

Fred walked in a few minutes later, followed by George and Ginny. You smiled at them, glad for the distraction from Mrs. Weasley’s crying and ranting. 

“Hey, Mum, Remus is here in the kitchen,” Ginny said.

“Oh, good, help me fix him dinner,” she said, scrambling out of the room. Fred sat on the floor next to you, kissing your lips.

“How’d the search go?”

“There’s not much left. They torched most of the stuff.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. We wanted to make all new product anyway. How’s it going in here?” You frowned, making him laugh. “Nothing like our flat above the joke shop.”

“At least it’s safe here.” Fred frowned, leaning in to kiss you again. However, before he could, Mrs. Weasley called you. “I’ll see you later.” 

“She hates it here,” George said once you had walked into the living room. Fred groaned, running his hands over his face.

“I know.”

“Still gonna pop the question to her on Christmas day?” George asked as Fred sat next to him on the couch. 

“Well, I’d like her to say yes.” George laughed just as Mrs. Weasley barked out a few more orders. You came into the room, holding a box of ornaments to still go on the tree, and tossed them to Fred.

“Everything alright, love?” he asked, picking off a green bobble on his shirt.

“Great, Freddie,” you said bitterly, stalking back into the kitchen.

“I’d wait,” George said, beginning to help him put the rest of the decorations on the tree.

Christmas Eve was supposed to be better, Fred told himself. The two of you had a great morning, even if it was in Ron’s old bed. He was hoping to invite you for an even longer stay in bed when Bill knocked on the door. Struggling to pull his boxers on, Fred opened the door.

“Morning,” Bill said, glancing over at you, still covered in Ron’s orange sheets. You forced a smile, hiding your face in the pillow afterward.

“What do you want?”

“A break. Mum has been bossing Fleur and me around since dawn, and we’d like to do a little bit of celebrating of our own, too.” 

“Gross,” Fred said, reluctantly picking his clothes off of the floor. “We’ll be down in a bit.” Bill shut the door behind him, and you revealed your face from behind the pillow. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” you said, walking over to him. “Happy Christmas Eve.” He kissed you softly, holding you to his chest.

“Happy Christmas Eve.”

Mrs. Wesley was so stressed about keeping the Christmas traditions alive in these trying times that she completely forgot about keeping them fun. She had everyone decorate cookies in the kitchen, and while Fred had his arms around you to give your gingerbread a beard just like Hagrid’s, she came over and told you that you were wasting frosting.

Dinner was worse. You were in charge of making mashed potatoes, but when you served them, Mrs. Weasley said that Ron liked them lumpy, and yours were too smooth. You cut into your plate four times that night, and Fred had to charm it out each time. 

You were sitting by the tree with Fred after dinner, drinking a cup of tea spiked with Fire Whiskey. George and Ginny were playing a game of exploding snap, Bill and Fleur were discussing in hushed tones with Remus and Kingsley.

“Present time!” Mrs. Weasley said, bustling into the room. She passed one around to everyone, a wide smile on her face. You each opened a pair of pajama pants. Fred and George’s were matching with an embroidered logo of Weasley Wizard Wheezes. Yours were embroidered with twinkling purple stars. For what felt like the first time in a while, you beamed widely.

“Alright, you lot, time for bed. Christmas comes early!” Mrs. Weasley said, ushering you all out of the living room. You followed behind a row of redheads, and were at the top of the stairs when you realized you left your wand downstairs. If it were normal times you wouldn’t mind, but with a war going on, it was always best to be armed.

“Oh, Mrs. Weasley,” you said, nearly running into her at the end of the stairs.

“Is everything alright, Y/N?”

“Yes, I just forgot my wan- Are you alright, Mrs. Weasley?” She sniffed back a few tears, nodding.

“No. It’s Christmas and my son and his friends who I love as children are missing, my children who are home hate being here, I don’t know if this is going to be our last-”

“Hey, hey,” you said, helping her to sit down. “We don’t hate it here. We’re all just as worried as you.”

“Really?”

“Really. And this isn’t going to be our last Christmas together, I promise.” She smiled, hugging you tightly. 

“Thank you, Y/N. Go on, now, I’ll be fine. Fred’ll be missing you.”

“Goodnight, Mrs. Weasley,” you said, running up the stairs quickly. Fred was in his new pajamas, creating a small ball of light at the end of his wand when you walked in.

“Hey, where’d you go?” he asked, sitting up in bed. 

“Ran into your mum on my way to grab my wand.” He nodded and scooted over so you could climb in bed next to him. You changed out of your jumper and jeans and slipped on a Holyhead Harpies t-shirt and your new pajamas.

“I love you,” you said, crawling into bed with him.

“I love you,” he said, a look of subtle confusion on his face. “What did my mum say?”

“She just reminded me what’s really important.” He kissed your forehead, still not fully understanding what you were saying. Before he could ask though, you had closed your eyes.

Christmas morning broke, and for once you weren’t woken up by any other Weasley than the one you wanted. Fred was humming a Christmas carol as he played with your messy bedhead.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Morning.”

“Happy Christmas.” You smiled at him, letting him kiss you softly. 

“No crazy orders this morning?” you asked.

“Nope.”

“Well this might be the best morning ever,” you said, holding his cheeks as you kissed him again.

“Oh, it will be.” You raised an eyebrow at him as he climbed over your body and stumbled out of bed. For the first time, you looked over your shoulder and saw the tiny tree that Fred had conjured up.

“What is this?” you asked, sitting up happily.

“Well, we aren’t at our flat, but I still wanted our first Christmas as an adult couple to be just ours.”

“Adult couple sounds gross,” you said, crawling out of bed and over to him on the floor.

“Well, how about I call us something else?” 

“Wh-” Fred reached around the little tree, bringing out a small, square box. “Is that for me?”

“It is,” he said, handing it to you with a smile. You ripped off the paper, and opened the ring box, finding a petite gold ring. “I know it’s supposed to be five gold rings, but I thought one was better than none.” You laughed, feeling a prick of tears in your eyes.

“I thought all of the presents were destroyed.”

“In the shop, yeah, I’ve been carrying this around with me for quite some time. May I?” You nodded as he took the ring out of the box. 

“Y/N,” he began, a few tears forming in his eyes, “I love you so, so much. The things you’ve done for me, and the ways you’ve supported me, you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know. I am so grateful that you cursed me in Harry’s D.A. club and that I got to spend every moment after that trying to get you to love me.” You laughed as he picked up your hand. 

“I love you, and I want to start repaying you for all the things you’ve done for me. I never want you to feel scared or alone or anything and not know that I’ll be right there. I want you to be a part of my crazy family. I want to spend every day knowing that I have the most amazing woman by my side. I want to make you happy.” 

“You do,” you said, laughing softly. Fred laughed, too, squeezing your hand.

“Will you marry me, Y/N?”

“Yes.” He slipped the ring on your finger before pulling you in for a kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas.”

“Fred! Y/N!” You were leaning in to kiss him again when Mrs. Weasley called.

“Welcome to the family,” Fred said with a smile.

“There’s no other family I’d rather be with,” you said, kissing his lips before hopping up to go help Mrs. Weasley make everyone else’s Christmas become as spectacular as yours.

[pajnloki]

8 // One year

Uhm hi. 

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes. 

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something.. 

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3 

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys. 

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe 

[cleargreengames]

i just need to vent for a minute

so like this is all set against the backdrop of my life is a huge disaster (and i am a huge disaster) but im not gonna be specific about that cause its not the main thing im thinking about in this moment, and like i am not wanting it to sound like i think thats cool and blah blah blah. you get it im sure.  so yeah im just mentioning it for the context and cause like tbh im pretty actively worried about like dying/how much longer i can survive so thats the back drop. but i want to vent about how stressed out and frustrated i am from trying to work on a million different things at once.its like compulsive to a big degree for me to do these things. making things is all i can do and all i feel any value in for my life but i also feel a neurotic pressure in that i need to do it. when i stop working on something i can maybe sit through like a youtube video or an episode of a cartoon (a movie if its really grabbing) and then i just become miserable until i start working again. and like my fear and anxiety about my crumbling life is really exacerbating this and in my head and heart its like this very loud presence of “rebecca, you have so much to do and so little time”  but i am someone who cannot and will not rush. so if i need to be finishing things faster it means i need to work a lot harder and as close to literally nonstop as possible which i know is unhealthy but that isnt whats important really. i have so many ideas for things i want to do and make that it feels like my brain will pop. like i have so many ideas that it makes me cry a lot and not cause of being sad or being stressed out just i feel so fucking overwhelmed by my racing thoughts and how much i feel i need to do this cause its my only connection to life. (i need to interject real quick im talking about my like workwork artwork not the fanart or videos i have this blog for). ive moved around my sleeping and eating habits which have always been erratic and probably pretty bad to basically eliminate sleep as much as possible/ i will nap a bit every day or 2 to try and stay a little bit lucid (i accidentally slept for 4 hours this morning though and im like “ahhh oh fuck”) . i dont know....i guess like what im saying is like this is taking a pretty big toll on me and its not like im a very strong person to carry extra weight lol / so im just kinda freaking out a little bit. cause im working on so many different types of art projects, and even like whether its music or video or design or writing  im working on a myriad of things in each category and thats only the counting the counting the ones i can actively make some progress on in an imeadiate and daily fashion and im not even talking about the larger scale video and performance projects which are right now a little biut to big to adress and jesus im stressed out that i will not get a chance to start making progress on thbose.  -   - this is just more than i can adequately handle. my health and mentality are really poor right now and i just need to get it off my chest to someone or the void lol so i guess how it connects to why i have this blog is obviously i havent posted or recorded a gameplay video in a bit. this isnt a really big deal. i can obviously afford to put that on the backburner, and i dont have an audience im disappointing or anything. i do have some already recorded game videos piled up but i havent had time to edit them. even the ones ive already posted are clearly pretty sloppy and not fully up to my standard which i dont like but its the one area where i can afford to sorta cut corners right now lol it sucks because recording and editing those is weird and fun. and obviously i like playing games both cause its fun and i just find video games so so so interesting. ive wanted to record lets-plays for a long time, and at the end of the day i want to do that (and will pick up where i left off asap) for myself, but i also think with a bit of practice and a bit more time for editing i could be alright at making gaming videos eventually, and it would be fun to have a platform just to try and entertain people, cause my artwork is not really made with the mindset of making something “entertaining” per se. especially not the stuff im most activley working on. idek. plus i guess like more people might be interested in my work if they already knew me from somewhere else, and id like more people to see my art. so yeah i had to pase making those for now. i might record a bit later just to like, take a moment to re collect myself, like i said before i cant help but make things to big for myself. even in just making lets-plays im trying to bite off more than i can chew . im trying to get thru many games at once and have some slightly weird plans for down the line with that. idek. i recorded 5 episodes of a horror themed podcast but i scrapped them and im gonna restart making the show from scratch now. but thats not until i can clear time for that. i need to stop ranting omg okay i hope this isnt too cringe. im not gonna proofread it cause im afraid i wont post it if i do. i dont even mean for this to be complaining. i love what i do. im just really really really really stressed out 

[trekking-out-jims-ass]

Hurts like hell pt.1

When you reach June 1 listen to this and read it because this is what inspired me to write it and inspired the title have fun: https://youtu.be/pUlX8ltm_JU May 28 It has been months since I was able to talk to Jim, ever since that incident with Khan he has been in a coma for almost.... what maybe 4 months now. I haven't been been able to sleep or eat for that matter, I know i have depression and I have tried countless times to get some kind of help but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. One of the people I who I went to said I should write a journal about everything I guess. I find writing to be better than typing or talking to some machine to record my voice. For some reason it's more relaxing to write shit down on paper. Anyways, earlier today I was late for one of my appointments and I guess my therapist got concerned and sent Spock to my apartment to check on me. All he did was find me in my bed relaxing I hadn't even shaved in maybe 3 or 4 days it was rather embarrassing for him to even see me like this. He forced me to get up and get dressed which I hated him for which is dumb but whatever everyone wants to stay in their bed when they are this low right?? After that we just went home in silence, we always do because after I go and see Jim hoping maybe by some miracle he would be alive, but once we got there of course he wasn't awake. So I just talked to him while Spock just hung out in the room looking at old files or something?? I don't know, I just know I was more focused on Jim more than anything, but after that I don't remember anything else. I did wake up in my bed though, so I am assuming Spock brought me home Anyways I'm ending todays entry here later I guess?? P.s. I did nothing but cry on V-day, haha I miss him that much i guess.. May 31 So today was just exhausting, I finally went back to work after several months. They didn't want me working with anything sharp so I was just doing everything that a nurse does, except for giving shots thats the only other thing I couldn't do. There were several of my friends asking how I was doing and as always I said "Okay." Honestly that word has become so foreign to me that its weird when it comes out of my mouth. Anyways besides me and my little rant maybe, I don't know what that was. I left work sometime after dealing with one last patient I made sure I saw Jim told him about my day and just left. They have been asking more for months if I just wanna.. pull the plug and trust me I do want to. I want Jim to stop living like this and move on but I just can't. And Spock said he won't make that decision for me unless I really need him too, and honestly I he should just.. do it for me. God I fucking hate talking about this it really kills me inside. Spock picked me up and we drove in silence until i spoke up and told him he needed to make the decision. All he did was nod he didn't say anything until we got to my apartment "are you sure that to do this?" And I had nodded finally speaking once again "no one deserves to live like that Spock." He once again nodded I knew he was hurting probably just as much as me. He had lost a best friend. Theres nothing interesting that happened after that, I mean if you count me crying over the fact that tomorrow will be the day where Jim will officially dies then I guess thats interesting. June 1 Welp.. Today is the fucking day I officially die on the inside I took the day off and they gave me the rest of the week off honestly. I slowly got up from my bed and got dressed everything just felt so fucking heavy, like I wasn't in my own body. I didn't eat, I didn't really want too. Spock had came inside, I had given him the spare key that Jim always used. Of course I didn't tell him that because I know he would have made me keep it. I personally picked the key out for Jim It was an all pink key with a few hearts on it, the paint has been scratched off due to all the times Jim has used it before. Maybe I should take that key back and give him mine, now I love that key I don't wanna part with it is the only piece that I have left of Jim. So honestly I did take it back and gave Spock mine, i told him it was Jim's key and he understood. On the way there I just started thinking about all the great times Jim and I had my favorite one is the day Jim and I had our first legitimate kiss. We just came back from our first date it went horrible because we probably got the worst waiter their, he was just a complete asshole the whole time and had said some kind of shit about him and I finally had enough and snapped. It got us kicked out and Jim and I just walked back home I was mad about what had happened, I had my hands in my pockets and he put his hand in there and grabbed mine and smiled at me. It calmed me down he was always able too unless if we were in space then it would just take a lot more. Once we got home he turned my head towards him and he kissed me right on the lips, it was nice and passionate no tongue or nothing just passionate and I absolutely loved it. I smiled just a little bit thinking about it, the warmth was so great and now Imma never get it again. I snapped out of my trance if thinking about Jim when Spock actually placed a hand on my shoulder trying to get my attention apparently I was crying, and i didn't feel the tears fall until now and he had stopped the car near a café and I just I guess broke apart. Screaming about how much i hate Khan, how much I hate Jim for doing what he did because I would have been dead with him. This would be the first time Spock would see me cry like as if I was a kid who lost their first pet. He had said something through his telepathy since we were after all touching at this point and it was something that I had always told Jim "It's never good to bottle up your emotions." He was right honestly. This was the first time in months since I had actually cried in front of someone. And here is Spock now seeing it. It was a good 20 minutes before i finally just said for him to start the car once again and he did. Once we were at the hospital Spock had told them that today will be the day we pull the plug but also told them I needed an hour or so. All I did was stare at him breathing lightly like if he was just taking some nap, and soon he will just blink those pretty blues of his and smile with that tired ass smile like he just woke up. I was begging to whatever the fuck was up there to give him back, to let me have him for one more day. Just to hear his voice, hear his laugh and just to see that inanimate body moving to whatever music we listened to when he cooked, when we cleaned, or when we were sorting out some files. I grabbed his hand hoping he would just grab on and tell me he was alive and i just had to wait a little longer. But thats just a fantasy, one where Jim is alive and well and we live out our days together space or not. We would get married and maybe have a kid when the times right. But we both know thats fucking bullshit now huh? He's dead and imma stay stuck with the mind set that Jim is gonna spring back to life and hug me and tell me it's alright. After an hour the nurses, doctors and Spock came in. Spock grabbed me and dragged me out while i was screaming at Jim to wake up. I screamed like my fucking life deepened on it. I was even thrashing about like someone being kidnapped in my mind i pictured that he sprang up and ran over giving me hugs and tender kisses. Then the harsh reality came, Jim was officially gone now and he would no longer step foot in out apartment, say my little nickname, call me little pet names, or tell me he loved me. I wouldn't hear his soft breathing as he laid there in a sleep like death. It was over and done with his cute smile, laugh, eyes everything that I LOVED ABOUT THAT MAN DIED BECAUSE OF DAMNED SUPER HUMAN!! HE TOOK AWAY MY EVERYTHING!! MY SECOND CHANCE IN THE WORLD!! He's just gone now. Im writing this at 10:00 pm right now, Spock is out side in the living room he said he is staying here in case i do something stupid. We all know he didn't say it like that but thats how it translates to me. Everything just.. hurts right now. It all feels like a really bad nightmare right now, but I know for a fact its not...