#like im so fucking lonely. i want to talk to someone but i get so overwhelmed and afraid of getting hurt lmao

[p5-apotelesma]

YES!!!! it IS hauntingly accurate psychology for someone whos been through what he has. which makes them playing most violence towards him for laughs so stomach turning. godddddd and he still sees himself in some part as some angry asshole punk who fucked everything up.

and it was 100% about his team mates more than it ever was about him. of course he was pissed at kamoshida for the bullshit he was putting him through personally. anyone would be. but he was so much more pissed off on behalf of his team. who he saw getting abused every day. like. he was the star runner. he was CAPTAIN.

and kamoshida knew the kind of kid he was dealing with. each abuse dealt to ryujis team was another fork being stabbed into ryuji himself. kamoshida bringing up stuff from ryujis home life and spreading it around the school was just the fork that sent him over the edge. (and kamoshida got that information out of one of ryujis friends, who he hurt or blackmailed in order to do so.)

and we can clearly imagine how shujins well known oh-so-normal study body might have treated him when kamoshida started blabbing. hell, his ex-friends show us how. to his face. and in front of ren. comparing a child to his abuser. his mothers abuser. is fucked. (and lord knows how much ryuji might already worry about the ways he's like his father, in his temper) and ryuji could deal with the physical abuse. he could deal with the insults. all of which he'd learned to endure from his old man before. but. you talk about his family? you make the hell he and his momma had to endure the new school gossip? final straw. final fucking straw.

(im surprised he was even still attending shujin after the incident. i cant see his mom not wanting to pull him out. but i guess athletic scholarship money goes crazy though,,)

sometimes i think about how godawfully lonely he is before he meets ren. because he IS. and it hurts. it hurts a lot. (ryuji got attached to ren JUST as fucking quickly as ren got attached to him. honest to god) i think about how grueling his recovery must have been. nevermind physically. its hard enough emotionally. suddenly finding yourself physically disabled. but he was also abandoned and spat on by everyone who should have protected him and uplifted him.

except his mom. who felt like she had to apologize to him. and did. because shes feels guilt for not providing him with a full family. and god ryuji wanted to crumble into dust because making his mother worry that shes failing as a parent when shes wonderful for loving him and putting up with a rotten kid like him? he thinks thats his greatest sin of all.

thinking about how ryuji isnt really even like. always Conscious of how self destructive he can be at times?? nevermind how hes always like How can I protect everyone (often at the expense of himself) but like. when he told his former team mates to hit him if that would make them feel better?? likE HE JUST LET THEM BEAT HIM UP??????? CHILD?????

also atlus what The Fuck are you doing what is this writing why is ren just sTANDING AROUND. THE KID WHO GOT ARRESTED CAUSE HE STUCK HIS NOSE INTO A MATTER WHEN A STRANGER NEEDED HELP. WHY IS HE LETTING RYUJI TAKE ALL THESE LS. REN WOULD NEVER

ryuji: tells his angry ex-friends that they can hit him ren: NO?? NOT ALLOWED??

ren would sooner get in the way and risk getting expelled and ruining his future than let them hurt ryuji for something that was never his fault to begin with.

its like ryuji thinks. he can just be a human stress ball, if he makes someone he cares about angry. he isnt always good with words or apologizing so usually he just lets people kick the shit out of him if he thinks he had it coming. like. i have no doubt this kid had worthlessness beaten into him by his dad. emotionally and physically. (nevermind kamoshida) and i KNOW that a kid like ryuji would have tried to take the target off his mom if he could help it.

if hes going to get beat anyway, he might as well have some say over how and when it happens. trying to grasp at ANY control in his life. BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOURE IN CONTROL CAUSE YOURE INVITING IT TO HAPPEN DOESNT MEAN THATS THE CASE...

but. god. due to everything hes been through. something in ryuji thinks he deserves more punishment than others for the same transgressions. hed take all the hits cause hey. hes…. good at taking hits.

dont talk to me im AUUUUHWHWAHGGG

[puppppppppy]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

[zarovich]

i wish i had more friends but im legit the worst at socializing and approaching others 🙃

[acetheta]

forever wondering if people actually like talking to me or theyre just bored

[phagodyke]

they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[privatelife]

been unspeakably horny for like 3 weeks straight im starting to get scared. well anyway. happy year

[thorninyourpaw]

you ever so attention deprived that you start crying because you posted a picture on twitter that nobody wanted to look at that you thought maybe might finally make someone look at you again

[gayve-strider-man-rider]

love paying thousands of dollars so I can sit in a lecture hall and over think my identity instead of maths

[bunnyboy-juice]

;~; (tags vent)

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun

[lonelyplanetfag]

fun fact i got on a call tn cuz i thought itd make me feel better cuz ive been rly fucking miserable lately n usually that helps but in all honesty it made everything one million times worse n im so sad abt it

[imflyingfish]

Its weird because i dont actually have much of a desire to move to france or use french reguarly in my life but at this point ive deadicated over a year to learning it so i might as well keep going and finish

[mrfoox]

except that im mentally dead, i’m good

[naggingatlas]

i looove putting spark over songs about like heroes and saving the world (tom cardy's 'level clear', uncle outrage's 'saved the world' <- nice voice hc for him!. and 'my superhero movie'.) when he like. Did. Not : ) funney.

[kindnessoverperfection]

I think part of the reason why I struggle to feel close with anyone is like. I really only know how to get my social need filled through judgement and approval and rank-climbing.

It's part of why I keep wanting to involve myself in Greek Life, despite knowing how toxic it is. I'd have people around me always, constant social events, and the expectations would be clear and harsh always. So I'd have clear and easy ways to get supply. If someone's "love" is conditional, then I know when I'm doing the right things, I know when they're approving of me, I know when we're "connecting". I crave it.

But the system's close friends? They'll approve of us no matter what. So like. What then? How do I feel that connection? If I don't have to earn their care, what direction am I supposed to go in? What do I do, what do I talk about, how do I act?