#maybe i should start drinking so i can get blackout drunk every weekend. or fuck around w sedatives or pay someone to just whack me round

[phagodyke]

they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again

[alchemic-writings]

A Welcome Distraction Chapter 1

Modern AU Mhin/Reader. Updates will be posted sooner on ao3 @/panichoodie

Story will be 18+

Three months ago you broke up with your partner of five years and now have no idea what to do with your life. You wish someone else could make decisions for you in life. When your friends suggest finding a dom to find direction in life, you would have never expected to discover the hot dom you found online to be your distant coworker.

A deep sigh leaves my lips as I slam the shot glass down against the bar. The vodka burns but it’s good. That means I can still feel. “God, sparrow, you need to slow down a bit. We’re here to have fun, not to forget.” There’s Ais, somehow being the voice of reason after insisting we have shots the second we walked up to the bar. “C’mon Icy, getting blackout drunk is how you have fun!” And there’s the second devil on my shoulder, Vere. I let out a deep sigh as I lowered my head down onto the counter. 

We’ve been going out to this same shitty bar every week since I broke up with my ex, Quinn, three months ago. Even though I never regretted my decision, I’ve now realized how I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. All my plans followed them. I had nothing for myself and I began feeling more like their shadow. 

Vere continued to list off his ideas of “fun” while I continued my depressing monologue. It wasn’t until they used my back to rest both of his elbows up and cup his own face did I tune into his words again, “And, we need to get you laid! When was your last hookup anyways?” A blush rose to my cheeks as I glared at him, “You two know exactly when my last hookup was.” Vere looked at me with wide eyes before leaning back to begin cackling hysterically. I used the lack of weight on my back to sit up again, I turned to my other side and saw Ais giving me a shit-eating grin, assholes. “HAHAHA oh my god! You’re telling me you haven’t slept with anyone since our shitty threesome three months ago?” 

I put my face in my hands and groaned. The first weekend after my breakup us three went out for drinks just like this. I got completely hammered and when Vere and Ais were getting ready to leave I begged them to stay with me. My apartment was so cold now without Quinn and I didn’t want to be alone. The sex was going as well as three people on a queen sized mattress could have until I started sobbing so hard I threw up. Ais helped clean me up and lay me down to sleep and I vowed to never sleep with those two again out of sheer embarrassment. Sadly the two have never let me live down said embarrassment by giving me the nickname Chunks. 

“Vere, they don’t have to fuck away the pain like you do. Maybe they just need time to let themselves breathe on their own. Don’t force yourself to sleep around if you don't want to, ok?…” I lift my head up to smile at Ais. He can be an ass but he can also be sweet, “… Chunks…”, nevermind. Assholes. Both of them. I slam my hands down on the counter and begin to sit up, “If you two are going to laugh at my sex life all night, I’ll be leaving.” 

Before I am able to stand, Vere wraps an arm around my shoulders to force me back down. “We’re only teasing, MC! You should be using this time to do things you could never do with your bore of an ex!” I hummed in contemplation. There were lots of things I had given up to match Quinn’s lifestyle. One of the few that I didn’t was taking pole dancing classes, which led me to meeting Vere and eventually Ais as well. The taller man spoke up as well at Vere’s suggestion, “Yeah, sparrow, wasn’t that the whole reason you broke up with them in the first place? Why aren’t you doing what you want?” 

I think back to my past three months. Despite breaking up with Quinn because I wanted to change who I became for them, the only thing that I’ve done differently was that almost threesome. I finally respond, “Well, I guess it’s because I have no fucking idea what I want to do now. I was always Quinn’s Partner. I just wish I could have someone else pick something for me sometimes.” There’s a spark in Vere’s eyes when I finish my sentence, “You know,” Vere purrs, “you could always look into finding a dom to make those decisions for you.” I blush at the suggestion. 

Vere and Ais are both active in bdsm. They actually introduced the concept of a dom/sub dynamic to me and I was very interested. But when I suggested it to Quinn it got shot down as soon as I asked. “We don’t need all that fancy stuff in the bedroom, babe. You’ve been enjoying our sex, right?”  Which I had been! But bdsm sounded like… a treat. Something you don’t have everyday but when you do you love it. 

But after the past three months of being lost while going through the motions at work and drinking on the weekends, Vere’s suggestion feels like a need. Having someone tell me what to do could help quiet my thoughts long enough to finally get over my breakup…

I let out a long breath as the idea of finding a dom becomes more and more desirable. “Even if I wanted to find one… How on earth would I do that? Just walk around with a sign that says ‘please dominate me’?” A grin grows on Vere’s face at my solution as he responds, “As much as I want to say yes to your suggestion, I feel sorry for you and will actually help you.” Ais speaks up behind us, “Wow, you’re being helpful, Vere? This must be serious.” Vere’s eyes flit to Ais, “You’ve seen how depressing they’ve been for the past three months. Getting them a dom will be helpful for all of us.” 

A chuckle leaves my lips as I look down at my hands. Despite how many walls these two put up and how annoying they can be, they truly care about me. My head turns back up to Vere, “So, how do I do this then?” “Well, this might be a little too high tech for you but there are these things called apps where you can find people who want the same thing as you online.” I roll my eyes, “I know what a social app is, fuckwad, tell me which one.” Ais gives a hum in contemplation as he pulls out his own phone. “There’s a pretty good amount out there, but the best one for a newbie like you would probably be ‘Collared’. Pretty user friendly.” He slides his phone across the counter towards me and I peer at the screen in front of me. It uses a distance radius to filter users into certain groups where you can start discussion threads and has a private messages feature as well. I hum in agreement and pull out my own phone to search for the app but I’m stopped when Vere steals my phone, “Ah ah ah, dear! I don’t trust you to make your own profile.” I reach out to try to grab my phone from his grip, “What do you mean you don’t trust me? I just have to put some information in and it’s done!” A tug on my shirt pulls me backwards as Ais speaks up, “I dunno, sparrow. You’ve been out of the social pool for a long time and you’ve never been with a dom before. At least let us help you get started.” 

My shoulders slump as I admit defeat. It’s true that I haven’t even winked at someone for the past five years, so making my own profile would probably result in scarring anyone in a 30 mile radius. Vere’s smirk grows as he pockets my phone and stands up, “Already playing the submissive role so well! Keep this up and we’ll find you a dom in no time.” He turns and begins walking towards the front of the bar, thus missing the daggers shooting from my eyes as Ais and I stand up to follow him outside. 

It isn’t until I take a deep breath of the cool night air does Vere turn back towards the two of us, “Let’s spend the night at my place tonight. We’ll be able to work on your profile and set up some cute pictures as well.” We all agreed to his plan, seeing as how Vere has the biggest apartment out of the three of us and the largest collection of… clothes… that would be fitting for an app like this. 

Once we enter Vere’s apartment he immediately goes towards his walk-in wardrobe and begins to assess the collection. Vere holds up items to my body before making a face of approval or disgust, and throws all the items approved on to Ais to hold. Once Vere is satisfied with the assortment of items, he takes me into the closet and instructs me on which items to put on first. As I’m changing into barely anything I can hear the two typing on a laptop and discussing to themselves. Every few minutes one of them yells out a question from the form for me to respond to, but my answers are quickly vetoed and they type something they deem as “sexier”. 

I step out once I’ve finished changing, and I receive a wolf whistle from Ais and a proud smirk from Vere in response. As I awkwardly shuffle from side to side a squeak is made by the rubbing of the latex underwear. Vere had given me an all black attire; a corset top, a pair of latex underwear, and a garter belt with thigh high stockings. Ais stands up and begins to circle me, “Hmm, you did a great job but I think they’re forgetting something.” Vere’s eyebrow twitches at his critique, “What could I have possibly missed? They look fucking hot.” Ais doesn’t respond and instead retreats into the closet himself before coming back holding a piece of leather, “a collar.” Ais stands behind me as his arms loop around my front to help secure the strip of leather around my neck. It’s a simple black piece of leather with an o-ring on the front and a buckle clap in the back, but having it secured against my neck sends a shiver down my spine. 

Ais’s hands rest on my shoulders as he leans his head against mine, “Doesn’t sparrow look like a present now waiting to be ripped open?” Vere slinks towards us and cups my cheek as he responds, “Hmm, I hate to admit it but you’re right. The collar was an excellent addition.” I awkwardly laugh as I step to the side, removing myself from the reach of the two men. “Thanks for hyping me up, guys, but aren’t we supposed to be setting up my profile?...” They both shared a look before laughing. Ais is the first one to speak up, “You are so easy to fluster, sparrow. You’re definitely gonna find a dom by the end of the night.” Vere pulls out his phone as gestures to the bed, “Get up there so I can take some pictures. Don’t worry about how to pose, I’ll tell you.” 

After thirty minutes of blushing while being told how to position my body, Vere seemed satisfied with the pictures taken and dropped them to his laptop so we could choose the best ones for my profile. After adding a few pictures to my gallery we finally settled on which one will be my profile picture. It's a picture of me sitting up on the bed with my legs bent in front of me and one finger looped around the ring of the collar. My head was cropped out of it “for your safety and to make you seem mysterious,” explained Ais. Vere was next as he shooed Ais away to take his place in front of the laptop and began a new thread on the forum. 

[DreadfulHands Started a New Thread]  [1:10 am]

Hiiii everyone! I’m a sub that’s new to bdsm after leaving my loser ex of 5 years! I’m local to Eridia and I’m looking for a dom that can really show me the ropes ;) 

Vere sat back crossing his arms with a pleased smile on his face. I stared at the screen in horror until I heard a snort to my left. Ais was biting his lip to keep the laughter down but his grin betrayed him. These assholes! I reach over to delete the paragraph before Vere catches my hand. We have a stare down before I attempt again with the other and this leads us to begin fighting for control of the other's hands. I’m almost able to reach the keyboard until I’m lifted in the air by Ais, whose arms are wrapped around my torso. In a state of panic I kick my legs out, and end up accidentally sending the laptop tumbling to the carpeted floor. “What the fuck Chunks!” Vere sits up to pick up his laptop and assess the damage. Anger boils in my veins, “What the fuck to me? You’re the one trying to make me sound like a sex bot!” Vere rolls his eyes as he responds, “It was just a joke, I wasn’t actually going to-” he stops himself as he stares at the screen. 

A heavy silence fills the room as we wait for Vere to continue. Ais slowly sets me down as he begins to walk towards Vere, “What did you do?”. As Ais now looks at the screen another pause fills the room. Anxiety fills me as I walk over to them and turn my head so I can see what’s wrong.

[Forum Thread Created 1 min ago] [27 Views] [3 comments] 

Another silence falls as all three of us stare at the screen… “Technically you were the one that kicked my laptop so you posted it yourself…” I snap out of my shock and turn to Vere, “I don’t fucking care who posted it! Just delete it before too many people see it!” Ais lays a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head, “That’s the one drawback about Collared, you can’t delete threads unless you’re a mod.” I sink to the floor and put my face into my hands and sigh, “Maybe I’m not meant for this…” Vere sets the laptop to the side and sinks down with me, “Don’t be like that! Maybe someone will find your sex bot attitude sexy and want to still be with you! I know there are plenty of desperate losers on there that-” Vere is cut off by a notification sound, several to be exact. We turn back to the laptop and click on the notifications. 

[1:11 am] [LatexBookworm commented on your post: “Welcome to the community! :D”]

[1:13 am] [Melvin78 commented on your post: “Very nice…”]

[1:13 am] [xxbl00dwh0r3xx commented on your post: “r u into bloodplay??”]

Ais lets out a chuckle, “Well, maybe that post wasn’t so bad after all…” We all let out a chuckle before another notification popped up. 

[1:14 am] [(MOD) StarRaven sent you a private message]

I let out a sigh of relief at the notification, “A mod! I can just ask them to delete that thread and we can redo a proper introduction.” I click on the notification to lead me to the private message board

[1:14 am] (MOD) StarRaven:

Are you stupid?

[harry-writings]

We’ll Be Alright

The one where Harry and Y/n have a hard time coping without one another, and Harry finally understands what it means to be a husband

Part 1

Part 2

Masterlist

How to support me <333

-

Y/n knows she’s hit rock bottom when she pours her fifth glass of whiskey at three in the morning, lighting up her seventh cigarette on her bedroom balcony, as if furthering herself away from her right state of mind will somehow bring her closer to all the answers she had been looking for.

She doesn’t even smoke.

The last time she came this close to a cigarette was five months before she found out she was pregnant with Topher. It was the third time Harry didn’t show up to marriage counseling, and Y/n was so upset and so angry and so hurt that she couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t stop crying until it was in her hands.

This time, though, the shaking and the crying don’t stop.

She’s sitting on one of the balcony chairs, her elbows propped up on her knees, one hand resting at the roots of her hair and the other holding her glass in her palm and her cigarette between her fingers. Her leg is bouncing and her eyes are wet, zoning herself out from the rest of the world, trying to get as far away from herself as possible.

She hasn’t seen Harry in thirteen days.

Not only has she not seen Harry, but she also hasn’t talked to Harry or had any ties left to Harry for nearly two weeks now and Y/n can barely hold herself together anymore. She’s surprised she’s even gotten this far without him.

They aren’t divorced — the papers were left on the courtroom table practically untouched, and though she hates to admit it to herself, Y/n was the first to leave them behind — but they might as well have been.

He wasn’t even the one to pick up Topher today. And she didn’t realize how much she’d miss their traditions — even the ones they’ve made while being separated — until she saw Mitch standing at the other side of her door and watched as he buckled her son into the same carseat Harry once had in his car.

It was at that moment that she knew that even though they weren’t divorced, they really were over, and it was enough to push her over the edge.

Now she’s so drunk she can barely remember where she is. The skyline and the buildings look familiar, but everything is so out of touch she can’t find the same peace and comfort in it as she once used to.

Everything has faded to nothing.

And whether it’s from the alcohol, or the revisitation of bad habits, or if it’s from grieving the loss of somebody still alive, but everything to her feels numb. All that’s left is pain and sadness and the fear of living the rest of her life exactly like this — lost, hopeless, and alone.

She thinks back to the day she slept with Harry — as she does, she throws the last bit of whiskey down her throat and swallows it down without a flinch — and how that day was forever going to be the last day she had ever held him, had ever kissed him, had ever told him that she loved him.  

If she had known — really, really known — it was going to be her last chance to do any of those things, she wouldn’t have pushed him away. She would have done all the things Harry wanted — would have spent the rest of their day in bed, drinking wine, celebrating all that once was and what always could be.

Because that’s what she wanted, too. That’s what she’s wanted since the beginning of this mess they’ve made of themselves, she just didn’t ever want to admit it.

This feeling that burns in her stomach at the thought of not being with Harry makes her want to scream. She can’t escape it, even as the alcohol seeps into her bloodstream and takes away every other feeling in her body.

She sobs, her chin tucking into her chest and her palms pressing to her forehead, agonizing and inhumane cries falling past her lips.

Her Harry is no longer hers.

She squeezes her eyes shut, a puddle of tears falling down her cheeks as she does so, her hand dropping the whiskey glass, her cigarette left sparked on the balcony floor as her fingers twist and pull at her hair. She hunches over her knees, trying so desperately to put herself back together again.

But it’s impossible. She knows it’s impossible because it’s him that makes her whole — him that holds her and keeps her together, even when everything else around her is falling apart.

She’d do anything to feel his arms around her now.

And it’s all she can think about — how lonely and cold and frigid it feels without the feel of his touch, and how loud the silence is without the sound of his voice in her ear, telling her how in love with her he is, giggling at her blush.

And she’s had so much to drink she can trick her mind into believing that he’s here, if she thinks about it hard enough. She mistakes the wind for the feel of him walking past her, smells his cologne in the liquor, but it’s still too quiet for her to really, truly believe it.

And she just wants to believe it. For once, she wants to pretend that he’s here with her, loving her, wanting her the way he always used to. Even if it’s the wrong thing to do.

Her hand shakingly reaches for her phone.

“‘Ello, this is Harry! I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your call, but I promise to return to you whenever I’m next available. Thank you, talk soon! Bye.”

And oh, how good it feels to hear his voice again.

It brings her back to all the times she’d call Harry while he was away on tour and how every phone call lasted at least two hours. Whether it was to check up on him, or to wish him goodnight, or to have phone sex, he never failed to make every second they were spending apart feel so worth it.

She calls him six more times just to hear his voicemail.

By the seventh and last phone call, Y/n is so low she’s tempted to just finish it off — down the pack of cigarettes and the bottle of whiskey that have kept her more company than her husband. Maybe filling her void with vices will be enough to last her until the blackout, where she will finally be free.

But what will she have left if she does?

The loneliness and the sadness and the hopelessness will all still be there. She will still wake up to a cold bed, in an empty home, with nobody to share her life with. She will still have this sick and twisted feeling that happiness doesn’t exist outside of her Harry — that happiness doesn’t exist within these walls, miles away from him, with only herself to hold.

She can’t keep waking up without him anymore. She can hardly keep living.

So, she does the first and only thing that comes to her mind.

She calls Mitch.

The clock nearly at four in the morning doesn’t seem to strike her as her drunken fingers struggle to tap on his contact name, knowing that this is the only way.

“Mitch.” Y/n hiccups when he answers her call, watching as everything around her starts to spin out of her control, instinctively reaching her hand beside her to hold onto Harry’s — the way she always did whenever she got too drunk. Her heart hurts even worse than before when she’s met with nothing but the ache of what once was. “Come get me, please.”

Something in the air shifts around Mitch.

He has known Y/n for years now, yet he can barely recognize that it’s her voice on the phone. He has to look down at the name on his phone twice before pressing the speaker to his ear, his heart nearly still as he wonders the reason behind such a disturbing and unexpected request.

“Y/n… is everything alright?” He asks tentatively, carefully, because she’s never awake this late at night and has never sounded so hurt. “What’s happened, love?”

She wipes her nose with the back of her hand, sniffling, almost angrily.

“My husband’s been ignoring me for the past two weeks and I’m not —” She stops, sucking in a broken breath, not even believing the words she just spoke because she never believed he’d leave her all alone for so long. “I’m not taking it so well, obviously.”

Mitch sighs.

He should have known, from the second he saw the look on her face earlier that evening, that her night was going to end like this. The love she and Harry share is a kind he’s never seen before — something so far from ordinary, something he couldn’t even understand despite the love for his own girlfriend, who lays beside him so peacefully now.

Their love is more than love. It’s deeper, more soulful, as if they have found each other in every past life and every after life. They truly are, in the most unexplainable of ways, made for one another eternally. Forever, they are theirs.

It’s both a blessing and a curse — their preexisting connection— because they are everything together, but absolutely nothing apart.

“Y/n, love... he’s not ignoring you. He wouldn’t dream of it.”

Oh, how she wishes it was true.

“He didn’t even want to see me tonight. He sees me two days out of the week and he didn’t even want that. There was a time he’d do anything just to look at me for even a second.”

He wishes he knew what to say.

It’s not that Harry doesn’t want to see her — all he does is cry and whine and sulk about how he hasn’t — he just believes leaving Y/n alone is truly what’s best for her right now.

She has barely had any time away from him. Surely, she did have the weekdays to herself and Topher, but she still had to see him every weekend — still had to face him at her doorway; still had to be around him, even on her worst days; still had to be reminded of everything that had gone wrong.

Being around him confuses her. He knows that now, and so does Mitch. But Mitch always knew. Y/n has always been too in deep with Harry. One proper look at him would be enough to send her to her knees.

He’s her greatest weakness.

She needs to be alone.

Or, so he once thought.

“Have you been drinking?”

Y/n laughs in an almost sarcastic way, the side of her wrist pulling at the corner of her eye as she wipes away at her tears.

“Drinking, frying my brain with nicotine, crying my fucking eyes out.” Her lips tremble as she stuffles away a cry. “All of the above.”

Mitch frowns.

This behavior isn’t unusual for her — it hasn’t been since her marriage with Harry started to turmoil — but it never gets easier to witness.

It’s when she’s in the depths of her own hell that she depends on the intoxication to get her by, as if it numbed her from all the pain she’d be living with without it. And as hard as it is for him to admit it, she only ever feels this way whenever it comes to Harry.

This side of her never existed until she met him.

“You want to see him, don’t you?”

To see him. To touch him. To talk to him. To hold him. She wants it all, everywhere, for the rest of the night — for the rest of her life if he were to let her.

But she can’t get ahead of herself. She won’t be able to survive it if she does.

“Even if it’s just for a second.”

His heart falls.

“Will it get you to put down the drugs and alcohol?”

Her eyes linger at the nearly empty bottle of whiskey, and though it still calls for her just as strongly, she knows it’s not what she truly wants.

“Yeah.”

She can hear him smile softly through the phone.

“Then hang tight, love. I’m on my way.”

-

Harry hasn’t been able to sleep all night.

And if he wanted to get technical, he supposes he hasn’t been able to sleep since he and Y/n nearly signed their marriage away, but tonight is far, far worse than anything else he’s ever felt.

His body senses his good days. The sun somehow brighter, the rain lighter, the clouds thinner — he sees it all so differently on the days he goes to see Y/n. He’s used to the routine, he looks forward to it all week, even if it is just to see her for a couple minutes at her doorway.

So to say his body feels the loss of her is an understatement.

He caught himself reaching his hand over to her side of the bed one too many times, only to shiver and whine when met with the emptiness of it. His fingers would squeeze at her pillowcase, hugging it closer to him, fantasizing about her smell and her feel as he tried to drift into his dreamland — that only, of course, consisted of her.

But it was helpless.

He moves to the living room couch, where he finds himself flipping through the photo album of their wedding day — the same one he claimed he had thrown out when Y/n asked if she could keep it, moments before she was about to move out after he had brought the divorce papers home.

Of course he hadn’t thrown it out, but he could never tell Y/n about the lies he only told to make himself feel better about his decision.

He was angry and he was hurt, both of which consumed him in the scariest and most dangerous of ways, leading him to sink his teeth in a lie and spitting it in her face just to make her feel all those things, too. Though he’s sure she already did.

But as he flips through the pages now, reliving that day torturously in his head, remembering how beautiful she looked and how in love he was, he can’t help but feel like these moments weren’t his to take.

He had kept their home — had kept the furniture they bought together when they first moved in, kept all the movies and cd’s they’d play together each night, kept all the pictures she had chosen for the walls and tables he hadn’t had a clue on how to decorate.

He stayed so perfectly in their past while she was forced to move on, away from him, when she wasn’t even the one who wanted to leave.

He had truly taken everything from her — her love, her trust, her marriage, her home — and he didn’t even have the decency to give her the one and only thing she had asked for before she left.

That day was hers, it always has been and it always will be. She never once gave up on it the way he once had, always holding it so close to her, always cherishing its moments.

This simply doesn’t belong to him.

He presses his forehead down to a picture of Y/n wildly smiling at the camera, her hair styled up, makeup slightly smudged, as if holding her to him. And he rubs his thumb along the laminate, right against her cheek, in the same way she always liked.

“I’m so sorry.” He sobs out before he can try to reason that it’s not her, that she can’t hear him, that she can’t feel the way he’s holding and touching her right now, that he looks like a lovesick idiot for thinking this is anything close to the real thing.

None of that matters to him right now, though, as he holds the picture to him and realizes this is the closest he has been to her in so long. And she needs to know.

She just needs to know.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

-

Harry must have cried himself to sleep because the next thing he knows, his front door slams open against the foyer wall, julting him off of the photo album and leaving him with dry and confused eyes.

Without much of a second thought, he throws the photo album off his lap and stands frantically from the couch, his head twisting around in an attempt to follow the footsteps scurrying towards the living room.

He knows it’s her just from that sound alone.

“Y/n?” He calls out in question, still delusional from his sleeping state, wondering if he had even woken up at all.

But it’s when he sees her stumbling toward him with soaken and beaten eyes that he knows this isn’t just a dream — that she really is here, back in their home, with him at last. And he would be happy, would be so goddamn happy to have her in front of him again, if she didn’t look so broken.

He can’t stand the sight of her like this.

“Y/n?” He asks again, devastated.

But she doesn’t answer him. Rather, she does the one and only thing her mind can make sense of now that he’s in front of her again.

Her trembling hands cradle the back of his neck before pulling her to him, their lips meeting for a sloppy, drunken, frenzied kiss — one that nearly has Harry falling to his knees before her.

She pushes him onto the couch, barely giving him any time to compose himself before she sits herself down on his lap and kisses him again, hard — harder than before and harder than she ever has, she thinks.

Teeth clattering, tongues battling, mouths opening, lips smothering. It’s desperate and messy and sloppy, but she doesn’t want it any other way.

She knows this feeling. She wants this feeling. It’s what she keeps going back to because it’s safe and warm and familiar. She could be in the middle of nowhere, lost with no direction or any sense of belonging, yet the feel of his lips on hers would somehow make her feel at home, just the way she is.

She moans against him, her hands splayed on the back of his head and neck as if to keep him there — on her, with her.

His hands, however, don’t know where to go. They switch between her arms and her thighs, setting boundaries for himself because he’d give into her in a heartbeat if he were to touch her just right. And he’s already doing so much he shouldn’t, he’d ruin himself if he were to go any further.

So as a subtle way to slow it down, he drags his lips down to her chin before leaving open-mouthed kisses along the shape of her neck — devouring her taste, savoring the sweetness.

He’s missed this. He’s missed her, so much so he can’t even remember the reason he let it all go. Right now, in this moment, nothing seems worth it enough to ever give this up.

He can hardly think straight.

“Y/n, please don’t do this to me…” Harry whines against her collarbone, her touch and smell and feel overwhelming him beyond all forms of comprehension. “This isn’t you. We’ve been here before and —”

“And I want to make it right this time.”

He nearly cries.

He bites down gently on the base of her throat, nibbling at it, a strangled whine falling from his lips as his hands slither to her back, pushing his body up against hers as if to bring her closer. And he growls silently to himself as she starts grinding herself against him.

“Y/n —”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Baby…” He tries again, to which she giggles and smiles as she nibbles on the lobe of his ear. He gets lost in it for a moment — to hear her laugh, to feel her hands rub along his chest and up his neck, to have her so close, like nothing ever happened — but he snaps himself out of it just as quickly as he fell into it. “You’re drunk.”

He tries to reason, to make her see that he does want this, more than anything else in the world, but he can’t. Because if it were to happen again, he wants it to be real. He wants her to mean it, to need it, to be all in it with him the way he’s all in it with her.

He wants her to stay.

“I’m only drunk because I miss you so much.” She confesses breathlessly to him, to which he groans and throws his head back, as if he were in pain. “So give me what I want and nothing else will matter.”

His hands find purchase to her hips, his fingers squeezing at the flesh of them as he tries to steady the movement of her groin against his, desperate to hold himself together. But she makes it so hard when she knows exactly where and how to touch him — when she knows that he can never resist her all over him, begging for more.

His eyes are pinched forward and closed, his head still hanging off the edge of the couch, words seeming to fail him as she moans against his shoulder, sinking her teeth into the flesh of it as she works herself harder against him.

“Fuck, you know I want to.” He croaks out, his hands giving into their urge to wander every dip and curve and inch of her, even the places he shouldn’t. “You know I do.”

Good, she thinks. I want you to want it. I need you to want it. I want you to want it so bad you give it to me all night, all morning, all day. I need you to want me.

She lifts her head up from his shoulder so that she can look at him with a winning smirk, both of her hands fisting at the collar of his t-shirt to steady herself upon his lap, her movements now smooth and effortless, giving him everything he needs to give in.

He lets out a proper moan at this, allowing himself a moment of weakness to feed his undying greed.

His mouth hangs open and practically drools as he touches her in ways he’s been aching to, rubbing himself against her, allowing her lips to wander anywhere and everywhere they craved.

It all feels so good and all so right, he wishes it was enough to make things work, but he knows in his heart that it isn’t.

Not now, at least.

“But I can't — I can’t take advantage of you. I — oh, fuck!” He yelps from below her when her arm sneaks between them so her fingers can scratch at the skin of his upper inner thigh, mercilessly giving him everything that has ever made him feel good.  

And it’s all too much.

One more right touch in the right place and he’s done for, as pathetic and weak as that makes him. But it’s only for her. Only for her does he find himself shuddering and moaning and creeping on the edge for, one push away from falling off, waiting to be caught by her.

After all this time, after all they had been through — all the fighting, all the tears, all the downs and lows they’ve lost themselves in — she still consumes him whole. She still is and forever will be the only person he’ll ever love like this.

There is nothing and nobody else. There is only her.

Which is why he can’t let himself do it. He can’t let her do it.

So right before he reaches the end, his hands frantically grab onto hers and pin them down against each side of his legs, her forehead meeting his shoulder, her body collapsing onto his.

“No!” He bites through clenched teeth and shut eyes, his hands squeezing hers as his body ricochets back to reality, yet still holding her close. “No, no, fuck. No.”

And whatever remained of Y/n’s heart burns to a crisp at that one godforsaken word.

Harry never denies her.

Even at their lowest and darkest moments, her simple touch made him powerless. He succumbed to her even when he told himself he wouldn’t, gave into her touch like a drug he couldn’t get off of no matter how hard he tried, drowned in her love even when he swore he no longer craved it.

It’s the very reason Y/n found herself pregnant in the midst of their downfall. Harry never stopped wanting her.

She should have known that everything was different now, but she never expected it to be like this.

“Oh.” Y/n’s lips tremble, her eyes wide with woe, glossy with burning tears as she looks at him through slow blinks. “I get it, I —”

“Y/n…”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have — I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.”

She’s nearly sobbing now, her breaths heavy and frantic as she pushes herself away from him, practically falling off of his lap. And if his head wasn’t so clouded from what had just happened between them, he wouldn’t have let her go.

She’s a mess, a kind he’s never seen in her before and it breaks him in two when he sees her face soaked in tears, her hands trembling as they push her hair back, her eyes looking at everything but him.

He is just so sick of her looking away from him, and so tired of watching her cry.

He never wanted this.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Harry speaks softly, his hand reaching out to grab ahold of hers before she has the chance to walk out on him again. And the shock of his touch is enough to bring her right back to him. “Baby, this is your home more than it is mine. Your son is here, I am here, don’t ever think you have to be sorry for wanting to come home.”

She’s silent for a moment, trying to make sense of his words and what they mean. But it’s so hard to focus on anything other than how good it feels to be holding his hand, and how that’s all it took to get the room to stop spinning around her.

She trusts him.

Whatever he wants out of this and whatever he’s thinking, she trusts. Her body wouldn’t be so reliant on him if she didn’t. And it’s been years since she’s felt this feeling she feels so fiercely now, but she could never mistake it. It was once the most familiar feeling in the world to her.

He rubs at her knuckles, patiently waiting for her to respond. But she doesn’t, her gaze just drunkenly fixated at their intertwined fingers, a hint of longing in her eye.

Even when he’s right here, holding her, convincing her to stay… she still feels as though he isn’t all hers. She wants more of him, as if she hasn’t seen and touched and loved every inch of his body and claimed every last beat of his heart.

She is the only one and yet she feels as though she’ll never be enough for him, after all this time, after all these years spent together. It makes him feel like the worst person in the world.

He lifts her hand up to his lips, as delicate and gentle as possible, just the way she likes.

“And as for kissing me.” He adds, eyes looking up fondly at her as he kisses at her knuckles one by one. “You’re my wife, it’s what I want. I just don’t want us to make the same mistakes we once did.”

He settles her fingers against his mouth for a moment longer before pulling her closer to where he sits, looking insistently in her hopeful eyes.

“If we sleep together… it’ll only drive us more apart, just like it did the last time. And I swear to god —” he hangs his head off the edge of the couch again, his fingers pinching at the bridge of his nose, trying to fathom the idea of it. “If I have to go another day without seeing you, I’m going to fucking lose it. I’m fucking miserable.”

She knows it’s true. Whether she wanted to hear it or not, sleeping together without speaking to one another would only bring them back to the same dark, numbing cycle they’ve been through for far too long now.

But she wants to milk it — wants him to do whatever he can to get her to stay because she needs to know he really wants it, needs to know he really wants her, before it’s too late.

And when Harry lifts his head back up to look at her, his heart nearly explodes from within him.

“Come here.” He tugs softly on her hand, a small smile playing on his lips when he sees Y/n pouting down at him with furrowed brows — the same face she used to make whenever she wanted to be angry with him, but couldn’t. It brings him back to all their happiest times. “Come here!”

He pulls her down to him until she lands on his lap, both of them laughing as she nearly trips over her own two feet.

The moment stills when their eyes meet, however, the giggling dying down and their smiles falling as they captivate each other with just a single look.

His fingers move her hair out of her face, his palm resting on the side of her cheek, his thumb rubbing along the skin of her blush as he admires just how beautiful she’s gotten since the last time he had seen her.

And she does the same to him — her fingers pulling at his hair, dancing along his scalp, humming in admiration as her eyes wander every dip and curve of his face. He is just so perfect, it endlessly mesmerizes her.

“I’ve missed you.” She confesses softly, her gaze trained on his lips, her tongue poking out to lick her own.

“I’ve missed you so much more, my love.”

And they meet for a kiss — a real kiss this time. Not the hungry, desperate, fevered kisses they’ve been sharing since their separation. It’s slow, their lips just settling against each other’s, refusing to move, only leaning in deeper when desired.

It’s how he kissed her on their wedding day.

She remembers how different it was, now, as she feels it again — full of vows and promises, hopes and dreams, a hint of sorrow for all the times he had let her down, and how he’d never wish to do it again.

Quite truthfully, she never wants it to end. She could stay pressed against his lips like this all night and never once get tired of it — would probably beg for more if it ever came down to it. But she doesn’t have to anymore, she knows that now.

They both pull away together, dopey and loopy smiles painted on their faces. And it doesn’t get better than this.

“Can I show you something?” He whispers to her, his thumb pets at her temple, circles and circles. “And know that when I give it to you, it’s me trying to make this right again? No matter how much it hurts?”

His breath falters when her lips press gently against his wrist, humming a small “mhm” against the skin of it.

She always did that whenever she could. Whether he be holding her cheek, or rubbing at her head, or running his fingers through her hair, her lips would seek just the smallest bit more of him. And it always warmed him to feel it. It reminded him that yes, she did in fact love him and want him and need him with the same burning he has for her.

It always felt too good to be true.

And to know that she’s feeling it all over again makes every worry in the world collapse around him, leaving him with nothing but the life he had always desired with her, and the hope that it only gets better from here.

He smiles in endearment, his own lips seeking the sole of her cheek before he turns his body to the fallen photo album, his fingers shaking as he reaches for it.

She gasps before he even has the chance to sit up fully.

“Is that —” she stops before she finishes, her hand flying over her suddenly trembling lips because it is.

He looks at her with eyes full of regret as he holds the photo album out for her to take, but she’s in too much shock. All she can process is that it’s here, still alive in the home they once shared, not shredded and burned and broken like she always thought it was.

And it just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that over a year ago, he told her a lie that ripped her apart from the inside out every day since he’d spoken it. It doesn’t matter that all she had left of their wedding were the moments captured in her memory, to which she went back to every night before bed.

It just doesn’t matter because she’s just so happy to see it again — so, so, so fucking happy that she can’t help but sob into her palm, admiring it, somehow at peace with the idea of reuniting with it with her husband right beside her, shedding the same tears as she is.

All she has ever wanted is happening all at once, and she couldn’t ask for more.

“Can we look through it?” She sniffles, her fingers graciously running along the cover of it.

He pulls her in closer, his head nodding, a breathy laugh of euphoria falling from his lips.

As if she even had to ask.

-

It was the next morning that Harry decided he couldn’t do it anymore.

Upon waking up to an empty bed, there wasn’t this overwhelming sense of sadness rippling through him, or loneliness drowning him to his duvets, refusing to set him free. It felt… right, and warm, and safe, and like it had always meant to be this way.

He was weightless as he carried his naked body over to his dresser, where he slipped on a new pair of briefs and one of his plain white t-shirts. He even found himself humming a tune he only ever sang to on good mornings.

And it was when he made his way downstairs that he started to hear his company.

He found Y/n in his day old t-shirt, holding Topher at her hip, flipping pancakes at the stovetop, humming and bouncing to the beat of a song they played during their wedding ceremony.

Her hair was unbrushed, her nail polish chipped, one of her socks pulled too high and the other too low, in her most hungover state. And the world stopped turning then, it seemed. Because it was the most simple and most casual sight to see, yet something he was once so blinded to.

He finally felt at home.

And it was as if nothing else had ever really, truly mattered. His world simply revolved around the two littles ones in his kitchen, getting their hands messy with pancake batter, giggling with every other step they took.

And he knew he couldn’t do it anymore.

Which is exactly how he ended up here — seven hours later, standing on one knee in front of his wife, whose hand fits so perfectly in his.

She sits cross-legged upon the kitchen chair, her plate half empty and on her second glass of her mocktail. And if he had more preparation, he would have taken her out instead of settling for her favorite home cooked meal. But something about doing this here, in the home they once shared together, at their happiest hour, feels much more real to him.

“H? What are you doing?” Y/n asks with wide eyes, looking down at their intertwined hands, squeezing onto his tighter.

“I know we’re already married, but I needed to do this anyway.”

He sucks in a breath as the pad of his thumb passes through her knuckles, slightly flicking her engagement ring in the process.

“When I left earlier, it wasn’t for work. I mean, it was for work but not — but not in the way you may think.”

Y/n tilts her head down at him, her eyebrows furrowed. Her heart races with all the endless possibilities, the pit in her stomach falling with it. And she really does try to not seem worried, but she can’t help but let it crash over her.

She had just gotten her husband back. Finally, she’s his and he’s hers and that’s all she ever wanted. That’s all she ever needed, so how is she expected to say goodbye so soon?

How would she ever survive it?

“I terminated the contract.”

Her heart stops beating.

Her body sits frozen still as Harry bites at his bottom lip, where he hides a smile.

This truly is it — the beginning of their forever, the start to the life they always wanted to share alone, with no distractions, no obligations, no anything besides each other and their child — and he doesn’t want it any other way.

“I’m done with having a career that takes me away from you. And I’m so sick and tired of pretending like this is the life I wanted to have with you. It wasn’t, baby. It isn’t.”

But she just can’t believe what she’s hearing.

The words had translated yet somehow, she can’t make sense of them. She can’t make sense of anything as her mind twists and turns around what they could mean and what it could mean for them as a couple.

“You — you terminated the contract? I don’t — I don’t understand. I —”

"If it were ever to come down to you or my music, I’d choose you in a heartbeat.” The fingers of his free hand twist at her wedding band, hypnotizing her. “I did it all for you — the writing, the touring, the traveling. My future with you was all I ever cared about and yet, I had somehow convinced myself that my music meant more to me, when it never really did.”

Her breaths get deeper and deeper, completely and utterly overwhelmed. And if it weren’t for the tears of happiness leaking from her eyes, Harry wouldn’t know what she’s truly feeling inside.

But he knows. Oh, how he knows.

“I choose you, Y/n. And I choose Topher and I choose our Alaskan home everyday for the rest of our lives. That’s what I choose. That’s what I will always choose.”

It’s those words that make her really start to lose it.

How long she had been waiting for this moment, she can’t even remember anymore. So much time has passed and yet everyday, she dreamed and hoped and prayed and died to hear him say that to her.

She had been waiting for so long, she once believed them to be impossible.

But here he is on one knee again, sacrificing his entire life and heart and soul just to make their marriage right. He wants to leave the music behind rather than leaving her to be all alone. He wants to move away from the life he had built for himself and rather spend the rest of it with her.

He wants her, for the first time in what feels like centuries, he finally wants her.

“But — but you — how? How did you — what did you do?”

“Don’t worry about the how, okay? What matters is that I made it work and I have more than enough to last our family a lifetime. I promise you that.”

One of her hands reaches forward to cup at his cheek, pulling herself closer to him because she needs to feel him, all of him — needs to feel the heat of his skin, the beat of his heart, the warmth of his breath.

She needs it all, all around her, until she drowns in it.

“Don’t care about the money, just — just want to make sure you’re okay.”

His wife is reaching for him, pulling him in, wanting and loving him despite everything he put her through… how could he not be okay?

He’s on top of the world right now.

“Baby, I’m so much more than okay. I have you, don’t I?” She nods her head as she wipes her tears away, sniffling with trembling lips and shaking hands. “Then that’s all I need.”

She sobs against him, her face tucked in his shoulder as he holds her hands between them, kissing at her head.

And sometime in the near future — when Harry and Y/n have found everything they had lost, have grown to be better together than ever spent apart, and have become the best parents they could ever be to their son — he’ll rent out a small venue in the outskirts of town and renew his wedding vows to his wife, whom he plans to never be parted from, even in death.

“So, Y/n, baby love.” They both giggle at the pet name, her head lifting from his shoulder and meeting his eye halfway. “Will you please do the honors of being my lawfully wedded wife, and the mother of our disgustingly perfect child, in our home in Alaska? Forever?”

She nods her head, her thoughts clouded by euphoria, her hand still in her husband’s.

As if he even had to ask.

[burning-omen]

Mutations and pleasure headcanons

Characters: Kurt Wagner, Scott Summers, Warren Worthington III, Peter Maximoff

Warning ⚠️: N*fw

Kurt Wagner:

It’s not part of his mutation but it’s worth mentioning, he’s flexible. To the point that it might be unreasonable.

He can fold himself into so many goddamn position and he’s strong enough to hold them for however long he needs to

Anyways, he has 100% just disappeared durning sex.

One moment your railing him into the mattress the next the entire room is covered in blue smoke and Kurt is nowhere to be seen.

About 10 seconds later he’s back with an extremely flustered look in his face.

Before you could question him about where he went he told you he was going to bed. He climbed in next to you and faced the wall for the rest of the night

The next morning he practically begged you to forget that it happened but to also say away from Logan for a few days.

And that’s how you figured out where he landed.

Your avoidance didn’t last long because at some point the next day you ran into Logan, who just let out a long sigh before patting you on the shoulder and walking away.

A few days later Kurt’s over it, just a freak accident, right?

Nope, happened again the next time you had sex with him.

After this kept happening he, begrudgingly, went and asked for help from no other than Logan!

The conversation was basically “hey Logan you fuck a lot right? Can you help me with my sex-teleporting problem?”

And he did, pretty much told him he just needed to be more in the moment mentally so his body wouldn’t take him out of it physically. (whatever that fuck that mean)

After he re-figured out how to stop teleporting spontaneously he decided to use this to his advantage.

I would like to introduce you all to a concept that I like to call “teleportation as a form a teasing”

Intentional teasing wasn’t one of Kurt’s strong suits so he figured that it might help

The first time it happened you were not prepared at all.

You were watching tv, as one does, your mind wandering off as some show played.

Then BOOM

There’s Kurt, looking determined but you could see he was nervous.

Carefully he climbed into your lap, staring down at you for a moment then leaning down, pressing a quick kiss on your lips, he kept going, kissing you over and over again.

He grinds himself against your thigh, groaning softly as sped up. The fabric of his underwear somehow hits every nerve just right.

You watched him as you gently kissing his neck and the bit of exposed chest just above the collar of his shirt.

“You’re bold today, sweetheart.”

“I-i know.”

And just like that, he was gone. A cloud of blue smoke left behind.

You knew this was different from the other times he’d disappeared, then he’d been so absorbed in pleasure that he just POOFED away. This was different, you barely even started, you hardly even touched him and he was gone. And even if it was an accident, he told you he had that under control now.

You just hoped that he hadn’t lied to you.

A few minutes later you wandered into Kurt's room, watching him from the doorway as he frantically arranged and rearranged the things on his desk. A nervous habit of his.

He tries his hardest not to look over at you, focusing incredibly hard on all the stuff on his desk.

He refused to look up even when he heard you close and lock the door, or when you walked up behind him, pressing your body against his as you wrapped your arms around him.

“Kurt..”

“...”

“I know you can hear me sweetheart, you wanna tell me what happened earlier?”

“Nothing..”

“Really? Nothing? Didn’t feel like nothing..”

Feel a little bad for him, he doesn’t know how to tease correctly.

You’re going to have to make him admit to attempting to tease you through the ultimate means of fucking him into the mattress until he’s seeing stars.

Scott Summers:

And now, a list of things you couldn’t do with Scott before he got some semi-permanent glasses:

Roughly fuck his face, because if you did and you knocked his glasses off you’d, at the very, very least, have your entire dick cut off.

Fucking him too hard. Period. It sounds fun but who’s going to pay for the holes in the ceiling or continuously replace your mattress when giant holes are inevitably burned into him?

So if he doesn’t have some semi-permanent glasses by the time you two start having sex everything’s going to be extremely soft and gentle

But the moment he shows you the new glasses it’s over for him.

He’s getting railed on/in/against everything you could think of, because you can do that now without bodily harm or thousands of dollars worth of property damage.

Have y’all been caught having sex in a place y’all shouldn’t be? Yes.

Do you give a flying fuck? No!

No Scott can’t do anything on his own the next day because moving hurts but hey, he had fun.

Warren Worthington III:

Hey Siri, define wing kink

For y’all’s that don’t know “Wing Kink is a related trope which often appears in wingfic (or in fanworks where a canonical character has wings), in which the character's wings are an erogenous zone and caressing them produces pleasurable feelings.” - the fanlore wiki

His wings, when you first started having sex with him, were completely off limits.

He made that undeniably clear to you.

Not because he didn’t like having them touched, but more because he didn’t think you’d like touching them.

All of that went straight out the window a few months later.

He was drunk, which had recently stopped being a normal occurrence for him. He tries to break out of his alcoholism, but it’s a slow and painful process. Instead of just outright stopping all at once he decided it would be better for him to just slow down. It works, he’s not drunk every minute of every day anymore so that’s better. He’ll drink on the weekends, and maybe take a shot before bed but other than that he won’t drink too much. But tonight he was drinking with Logan and in his attempts to keep up with him he’d ended up drunk out of his mind.

He cut himself off, he knew that if he drank more he’d blackout and he didn’t know what he’d do if he did.

So he stumbled all the way back to your room and tripped on literal air.

The sound of him hitting the floor woke you up.

Sitting up you saw Warren laying face down on the floor, giggling like a fool as he made multiple attempts to get up only to end up right back on the floor.

“Warren, it’s 3 in the morning, come lay down.”

You wanted to go over and pick him up. But you knew how he was about his wings and being touched in general.

After a few minutes of coaxing and encouraging him to get into bed he finally did.

Basically plopping down on top of you with a tired grin spread across his face

Burying his face in your chest, he closed his eyes.

After a few minutes you thought he was asleep, but you were proven wrong when he let out a long sigh and looked up at you.

“Fucking hold me..”

No, he doesn’t know how to ask for things nicely he’s a little bastard

You try and avoid his wings at first, gently draping your arms around his shoulders.

But that very quickly frustrated Warren, causing him to grab your arms and forces them around him and his wings.

Before you could try and say anything about it you could hear him snoring.

You sighed, deciding to deal with the breakage of limits could be talked about in the morning.

When you woke up Warren was already awake, still laying on your chest, just staring at you. His cheeks turned a light pinkish color when you looked down at him.

He wouldn’t say anything. He just stared at you for a solid 10 minutes before rolling over onto the other side of the bed.

He’s afraid that in his drunken state he’d made you uncomfortable, which led him to the never ending spiral of anxiety that made him say his wings were off limits in the first place.

Asking him what was wrong just led to him apologizing without actually saying what for.

Throughout the rest of the day he avoided the subject which made him ultimately avoid you.

You see? This is why you should talk to your partners, guys.

It took him awhile but he eventually said what he needed to say.

NOW ONTO THE SEXY BITS

Lightly running your finger through his lower feathers can be a way to get him in The Mood or to calm him down after a particularly rough sex (it helps with his sub drop)

This ones a bit more romantic but kiss his wings, especially the little part where they connect to his back.

He’ll melt, just straight up die on the spot because it’s just so nice and soft and feels so good.

Try not to be to rough with them, it hurts a fuck ton.

His wings are still off limits in certain aspects.

No using them to overstimulate him, he doesn’t like it. No pulling on his feathers, it hurts in the Not Good way.

But do kiss, massage, pet, and run your fingers through them.

He was very nervous when he first let you touch them, unintentionally flinching away when you reached for them.

Run your hands through his feathers while he rides you, he won’t last very long if you do.

praise him and call them beautiful, it took him a long time for him to learn to love himself and his mutation and he needs to be reassured sometimes

STILL BE CAREFUL

HIS WINGS ARE PRECIOUS AND MORE PRONE TO BAD PAIN THAN ANY OTHER PART OF HIS BODY

Just be careful with him stg I love him so much

Peter Maximoff:

Zoom zoom bitch

He fast

He has the nicest ass because of how much he runs

He can and will grab you and take you back to his room if he’s feeling especially needy.

And then he’ll act extremely bratty despite the fact that he brought you there.

He vibrates.

Most of the time unintentionally.

It’s his version of shaking, so he definitely does it when he cums

“Peter, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Just...give me a moment..”

He’s gotten too eager before and fallen off the bed while trying to change position.

When I say this man gives the best blowjobs in the history of blowjobs I mean it

His tongue vibrates too. That added with the fact that he has no gag reflex AND no shame? Rip

Quickies, anywhere anytime.

Cameras can be covered in less than a second and he can have both of you looking relatively decent before anyone comes in.

You have to guide him while he rides/fucks himself onto you because he might hurt you or himself by going too fast.

He’s not aloud to use his speed when given sexual orders

Usually after being punished he’s much more shy and nervous.

Making him do things slowly only adds to that.

Make him get on his knees in front of you? Gone, he’s so blushy and embarrassed at just being in that position.

Make him strip and prep himself while you watch? Ceases to exist

Will beg and cry for you to let him speed up, but he’s just putting on a show.

Grinding against pillows or folded blankets with some kind of plug up his ass is his preferred method of masturbation because he can go as fast as he wants without worry.

He’s ripped holes in a few blankets and pillows and has very unsuccessfully hidden.

“So are we not going to talk about the hole in my brand new blank?”

“No we are not.”

[imissjoongsmullet]

Something Better (1/2)

Pairing: Bang Chan x reader

Genre: fluff/angst (will lead to smut eventually because hi hello it’s me writing about Chan)

Summary: You and Chan have been best friends since before you can remember but now that you’re in college, things start to feel strange, especially with the way he acts when it comes to your boyfriend.

Read part 2

Warnings: part 1 of 2 (probably), cutesy friendship stuff, lots of stupid banter, bit of suggestive conversations, a good dash of angst, Changbin as your boyfriend (do you need a warning for that lol), oh and though this one is pretty clean, there will be smut in later chapters.

Word Count: 2k

Author’s Note: Ok so I’m going to try to keep this to 2 chapters but I can’t promise anything. Anyone who follows me knows I tend to get carried away it’s a thing... Also, yes, this is such a cliché trope but BOY DO I LOVE IT! Thanks again for the request. I had a great time writing this!

► 

Five minutes to four. Almost there. The old man at the front of the auditorium had been droning on about the history of bleebidiblah wherever for the past two hours and you were very much ready for it all to end and for the weekend to begin. You heard a pencil drop beside you and turned to see your friend pick it back up and place it between his upper lip and nose.

“Looking great,” you whispered, fighting back a smile.

“I know,” he snickered, making the thing drop into his lap for the dozenth time that class.

Chan was kind of an idiot. But he was also kind of your best friend. You’d grown up in the same neighborhood and had been inseparable since kindergarten. He was the first person you’d went to when you’d found out Santa wasn’t real, the first person you’d ever sneaked out of the house to go to a party with and the first person you’d ever gotten blackout drunk with; not to mention he was the only one who knew about your irrational fear of oven toasters. He knew everything about you and you knew everything about him. You were a team, tied together so much so, that you’d even decided to follow each other to the same college.

“Hey,” he nudged your shoulder, “how about we go downtown tonight and celebrate the weekend? I heard it’s prolonged happy hour at GB’s.”

The twinkle in his eyes made you want to say yes; it was a very tempting offer. “Can’t,” you replied eventually, scrunching up your nose at him.

“Come on, why not?” said Chan, leaning in and shaking your thigh, “we can go to karaoke after and you can crash at my place. I bought so many Doritos and they’re not gonna eat themselves.”

You bit your lip. “I kind of promised Changbin I’d go over tonight.” You already knew what was coming.

“Again?” he exclaimed a bit too loudly, drawing the attention of some of the other students, “you stayed over like three times this week already.” He sagged in his chair, rolling his eyes at you.

“Don’t be a child,” you retorted shoving him lightly.

That put some of his smile back in place. “You know, I think this Changbin guy isn’t the one for you,” said Chan, pretending to look pensive, “he’s got shifty looking eyes… and his nose is too big.”

You couldn’t keep from chuckling. Dipping down in your chair out of sight of your teacher, you turned to your friend. “You’re so full of shit, what does that even mean?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “maybe he’s having evil, shifty, big-nosed plans and you don’t even know it.”

“Your nose is big too, you know?” you said, pinching his nose.

He slapped your hand away and pinched you back, which made you cry out so loud the teacher went silent, eyes in your direction. Your cheeks flushed hot but just as you were about to apologize to the entire auditorium, the bell rang, pushing everyone around you into motion.

“Oops,” said Chan, eyes full of mischief as he rose from his chair along with everyone else.

You packed your things and followed him, kicking at his heels pettily.

“Seriously though, all the staying over,” Chan went on once you were out in the packed hallway, “sure he isn’t tiring you out?” The wicked grin on his face told you exactly what he meant.

“Chan, I swear if you don’t shut up,” you started but he interrupted fast.

“I just mean, you’re a studious girl,” he explained, grabbing your shoulders and rubbing them, “you can’t have a shifty-eyed boy like him distract you from your super important studies with sexy times.”

“And you taking me out to GB’s is helping me with my studies how exactly?”

“At least I’m not trying to put my dick in you every single night.”

“Chan!” you yelled out, looking around frantically at all the other students within earshot of your conversation.

“Aww,” Chan chuckled, hugging you closer, putting his lips near your ear, “you’re so cute when you’re all flustered.”

You were extremely happy he was behind you and couldn’t see the look on your face because you were even redder than before, staring eyes-wide into space. For as close and you and Chan were, you couldn’t help but feel shy whenever he mentioned sexual stuff around you. Not that you weren’t a sexual person; you just didn’t really know how to act around him when it came to those things. It didn’t help that you felt him all over you now, making the hairs on the back of your neck stand right up.

“Listen,” you said, shrugging out of his grip and trying to compose yourself, “how about we hang out tomorrow night? I’m sure the drinks will be just as toxic and delicious then.”

He came up next to you. “Fine, but you’re buying,” he said, “you’ve been leaving me lonely far too much. I demand compensation.”

You smiled and shook your head. “Fine.”

[I’ll be there in 10]

You hurriedly typed as you left Changbin’s place. You were meeting Chan for coffee. You were supposed to work on an assignment together that afternoon but you felt more than a little distracted after the previous night hadn’t ended up as fun as you’d hoped. You didn’t even really remember how it had started but you and Changbin had gotten into an argument that had lasted for most of the night. It wasn’t anything heartbreaking; it was just frustrating that your relationship wasn’t going the way you’d imagined it. And now you’d have to face Chan and pretend everything was okay because you were far too prideful to give him the satisfaction of saying ‘I told you so’.

He was waiting at your typical spot in the back of the café, his notebook ready on the table. You were happily surprised to find him jotting things down as you walked up. When you sat down, however, you realized he’d just been doodling obscenities in the margins of his book.

“Good afternoon,” you said, closing his book and grabbing the coffee he’d ordered for you.

You felt his eyes on you as you sipped the burning hot drink. You were just waiting for it at this point.

“So,” he started, amusement dripping down his face, “how was last night?”

“Shut up,” you countered, opening up your own book and looking anywhere but at him.

You and Chan were used to working together. Chan always had problems focusing and you were always there to give him the kick in the ass he needed to get the work done. On the other hand, Chan was the one coming up with the most creative ideas for your projects so, despite your differences, you worked quite well off of each other. 

For a while, things were fine: Chan was on his second coffee and the ideas flowed generously; you just had to write them down and turn them into usable content. Things were nice and light as they should be. You took a break and ordered waffles, enjoying them without any mention of Changbin; it was great. You talked about concerts you were excited to go to together in the coming months, showed each other movie trailers of stuff you really wanted to watch together and you laughed at the absolute dumbest things. You thought perhaps it was the caffeine that was making you both so silly.

Unfortunately, after that initial boost of energy, came the inevitable crash.

By the time Chan was picking at the ice at the bottom of his empty third coffee, things were started to shift. You were trying to finish up the assignment but it was clear Chan was starting to get burnt out. Gradually, conversation trickled away from the project at hand and into less productive territory.

“What is it you like about him?” he asked, staring zombie-like into his cup.

“Not now, Chan,” you sighed, eyes on your laptop screen. You felt his fingers at your side, poking lazily.

“No, come on,” he said, voice sleepy, “I wanna know.”

You stopped typing and took a deep breath.

“He’s—” you started, trying to think of something while your head replayed how you’d argued the night before.

Chan let out a chuckle. “Yeah, he sounds great.”

“Oh, fuck off,” you groaned, a little harsher than you’d meant it, “let’s just get this done.”

But Chan didn’t let up. Your inability to define your love for Changbin had apparently made him very eager to tease you and it was getting harder and harder to ignore him.

“I bet he sleeps with his socks on,” he said, sipping his empty drink loudly, “weirdo.”

“Chan please.”

“Tell me he doesn’t.”

“Chan.”

“He totally does, doesn’t he!”

“Chan I swear if you don’t shut up I’m gonna kick you where it really hurts!”

“Fine,” he said, still laughing, putting up his hands in defense, “jeez, I was just having fun.” Then he came closer and, entirely oblivious, wrapped his arms around you tight. “No more coffee for you, it makes you mean.” He gave your temple a quick kiss and, chuckling, got up from his seat.

“Gotta pee, this coffee is going right through me, be right back.” 

It occurred to you, as you watched him walk off, how odd your relationship with Chan was. Or maybe Chan was just an odd person? Or maybe he was simply acting oddly recently? You tried to shrug off the confusing thoughts and instead opened up your phone. The last text from Changbin was right at the top. You clicked it and smiled, rereading the sweet message he’d sent you the day before. You should probably make up with him soon, you decided.

After another half hour of half-assed adjustments, you and Chan finally called it a day.

“If you could input your slides right after mine, I’ll do the touch ups and bring it all to class,” you said, staring at your laptop screen, “we should probably go over it together the day before though.”

Chan’s face was in his arms on the table, looking drowsy. “Yeah, sounds good,” he mumbled, “I’ll type them out by Monday, we’ve got most of the stuff down already, it shouldn’t be hard.”

“Good,” you nodded, finally letting yourself sit back and relax. You closed your eyes in a long yawn as you stretched out your arms. When you opened them again Chan was looking at you.

“Tired huh?” he said, his lips curling up into a knowing smirk.

You stared back at your friend blankly. “You know what? Yes, I am actually. I stayed up most of the night.”

His eyebrows rose up in surprise but he didn’t speak.

“And that’s all I’m gonna say on the matter so can we please wrap this up now?” you added, “I think I should go see Changbin later tonight cause— well, we just have some things to discuss.”

“Wait, hold up,” said Chan, straightening up beside you and, finally, all laughter was wiped from his face, “I thought we were going out tonight.”

The memory of your promise hit you, throwing a small dose of guilt over your head. “I’m sorry, Chan, really. I just got some things to do—”

“Some things to do?” he interrupted, now definitely irritated, “you’re gonna ditch your best friend for some mediocre sex?”

“Chan that’s not what this is,” you started but you knew you’d set him off and there was no going back.

“Whatever,” he snapped, “it’s fine I’ll call some people who actually wanna hang out—”

“Chan—” you tried, shocked at the rapidity with which his mood had switched.

“—instead of someone who’ll leave me for the first boy to give her the least bit of attention—”

“Hey!” you said, getting up from your seat, heating up from the sting of his words.

Chan got up as well, the look in his eyes pained. “I said it’s fine,” he repeated, placing some money on the table and walking out.

(part 2)

[disastergay]

Normally I’d just post the link in the answer to an ask, but this person requested multiple fics.

Title: Miss Brightside

Prompt: Body Swap AU

Rating: Teens & Up

Ship/Pairing: Ibuki Mioda / Mikan Tsumiki

POV: Third person limited (alternating)

Genre(s): Fluff, humor, romance

Content Warning(s): Empty hospitals, substance abuse as a coping mechanism, hints of past abuse and childhood trauma

Ibuki wakes up to lungs filled with the stench of disinfectant and rubbing alcohol. Yawning, she stretches her arms behind her head and opens her eyes just a crack to squint at her unusual surroundings. There’s drool pooling on the cover of a neatly organized, Usami-themed planner, and the steady, harmonic hum of air conditioning and the fluorescent lights that flicker above her fills up every gap of sound in the room. It’s almost enough to make her pass out again, but fortunately her unparalleled hearing ability hasn’t fully kicked in.

Nose crinkling at the sharp tang of iron that’s gradually climbing up the back of her throat, it finally clicks: she’s not in her room. This isn’t too much of a surprise--after learning she’s been above the legal drinking age for years without knowing it, Ibuki’s taken to getting drunk off her ass every weekend; she should be used to waking up in unfamiliar places by now. Last week--or was it earlier this week? The passage of time doesn’t really matter much when you have nowhere else to be--Mahiru clobbered her over the head with a rolled-up newspaper after she’d fallen asleep badly sunburnt and tangled up in the slats of a pool chair.

While Ibuki Mioda is no substitute for an Ultimate Detective, it doesn’t take her long to use the process of elimination to figure out where she is. There’s only one place on Jabberwock Island that reeks of medicine and blood--the abandoned hospital.

Her head snaps up and she jolts out of the chair she’s sitting in, unceremoniously banging her head on the low-hanging cabinets above the desk. Muttering several creative curses, she rubs at the tender spot on her forehead, already feeling a bruise begin to form. One quick glance down at her feet tells her two things: firstly, she’s wearing someone else’s pajamas, and secondly, the black nail polish it took half an hour to apply has been wiped clean off her fingers. Not the best place to fall asleep, or the best clothes to borrow, she acknowledges, making note of the sizable holes in both socks.

Guess everywhere else was too crowded and I wasn’t feeling picky, Ibuki muses, absently rubbing the dust out of her eyes. The hospital is the last place she’d ever want to visit, all the torn cobwebs and empty chairs give her the creeps--NOT an ideal ambiance for the Ultimate Musician to take the stage. She doesn’t understand why anyone would want to come here, let alone check in and stay, and she definitely doesn’t get how Mikan spends most of her time holed up in a building that shudders at the slightest breeze, the fresh coat of paint on its walls already starting to peel.

Nobody else really comes here. Except for Nagito, the weirdo. He sometimes waves in passing on the way back, clutching a bottle of over-the-counter pain medication in his metal hand. Some of that stuff would be pretty damn useful right about now, but Ibuki decides looking for it isn’t worth the trouble.

Popping open a first aid kit from one of the nearby cabinets, she pokes through a wad of bandages and several tubes of ointment, neither of which are particularly helpful for treating bruises or aches, looking for something better to no avail. Fortunately, she spies a mini fridge tucked underneath an emergency use medicine cabinet on the far side of the room.

Jackpot.

Inside, there’s an assortment of blood bags and syringes that make Ibuki shudder. She already figured that the Ultimate Nurse probably doesn’t have the munchies often since she’s never seen her let loose and get hammered, but it’s still an unpleasant sight.

At least there’s an ice pack shaped like a goldfish in her freezer, if nothing else.

Grumbling to herself about how she should’ve accepted Akane’s “girl’s only night” sleepover invitation instead of ditching the Ultimate Gymnast and holing up in Rocketpunch Plaza (where she proceeded to drink until she was absolutely smashed), Ibuki headed down the hall towards the bathroom. It takes a minute for the lightbulb hanging from the tiled ceiling to flicker to life, and Ibuki taps her foot impatiently to give herself something other than darkness to focus on. The electricity coughs to life, filling the room with a dim spark of light. It’s not much, but it’s just enough to make Ibuki freeze on the spot when she casts her gaze to the mirror.

What little light can be found casts dark, foreboding shadows in the shape of grotesque fingers on the Ultimate Nurse’s pale face, making her nearly unrecognizable. Ibuki’s caught off guard by her unexpected presence, how on earth did she sneak up on her so quickly? She didn’t even hear the soft sound of her footsteps approaching from down the hall.

Ibuki lets out a startled laugh, equal parts struggling to recover her composure and grateful that it’s her classmate instead of a ravenous monster. Whipping around to face her shy acquaintance, she forces herself to draw in a shaky breath before speaking.

“Jesus fuck Tsumiki, don’t sneak up on people like that! You scared the shit out of… me…” Her voice sounds shrill and sharp with fear, almost a full two octaves higher than her speaking register. It’s easy to dismiss as nerves, but dread begins to grow in the pit of her stomach once she realizes something especially odd--no one else is in the room with her.

“Tsumiki? Komaeda…? Hey, this isn’t funny, you guys! Totally uncool!”

She peers out into the hallway, half-expecting to see one of her classmates sprinting away, but the only sound is the quiet echo of water dripping from a broken pipe near the entrance. Normally it takes a lot to make her feel anxious, much less genuinely fear for her safety. And she’s not quite there yet, but something is definitely off.

“I’m never drinking again,” she groans, rubbing her at temples. Okay, that’s definitely a lie. Maybe she can at least start by not getting blackout drunk every Friday night like fucking clockwork.

Grabbing the least grimy-looking towel from the rack next to the sink, Ibuki goes about making herself a cold compress. It requires some extra elbow grease to turn on the water, but eventually the squeaky faucet groans to life. Setting the ice pack aside, she leans forward until she’s up close and personal with the mirror, trying to assess the damage.

But instead of her own familiar face, she finds herself less than an inch away from Mikan’s.

Jumping back with a yelp, Ibuki throws up her hands as a show of apology and backs out of the shy nurse’s personal space… only to watch Mikan mimic her body language perfectly.

“Wha-- are-- how did you get stuck in the mirror?!”

Mikan’s lips move in sync with her own, the sound of her voice coming from Ibuki’s mouth instead of her reflection.

“No, wait, that’s not it--hang on a second.”

Gazing down at her--Mikan’s--ugh, whatever--body, she looks a lot paler and skinnier than she remembers. Squeezing a bicep with one hand, Ibuki’s distraught to find that all the muscle she built up from carrying her guitar everywhere is gone, replaced by bone-thin limbs with little strength in them. Bringing a hand to her face, she pokes and prods at the cheeks, nose, and lips she’s only ever seen from the outside before now. While Mikan is painfully skinny and definitely needs a more suitable meal plan, Ibuki can’t deny that her skin is so smooth and baby soft that it’s pleasant to the touch.

“Oh my god,” she whispers to herself, running her free hand through her fringed purple hair, “I’m in Mikan’s body.” A beat passes before she blurts out, “IS SHE IN MINE?!?!”

It’s a good thing she’s not as anxious as the Ultimate Nurse, otherwise she would probably be freaking out way worse right now.

Wait. Oh shit, doesn’t that mean--

Sprinting out the door and down the path, Ibuki makes a beeline for her cabin with one thought on her mind: find Mikan before things get even more out of control.

[jj-lynn21]

Cozy Cove: Old wounds

Previous in Cozy Cove: Saved by an Angel ,   A side of tits with your pancakes,   Fires Burn Ho , Spending the Nights, Learning and Loving,   The end id not always the end,  Axel Grease ,  Big Decisions, Sex and Jet Skis, Late night fun ,  Old Wounds , Storms pass, Dangerous Waters

Warnings: smut talk, very angsty, talk of a parent leaving children, fear of alcohol abuse. 

A silver of afternoon bright sunshine snakes its way through where the blackout curtains come together. It beamed right on to still sleeping Axel and Susie. She further buries her face in Axel’s chest.

He snorts covering his eyes with his free hand. The other resting on her back, “Close the curtain, baby girl.”

Susie whines without moving.

“I got it Mr. Axel,” Carol whispered. “Rest as long as you need, I will clean quietly.”

“Thanks, Carol,” Axel mumbled. “Put coffee on?”

“Of course, Sir,” She picked up some cloths on the floor and put them in his dirty cloths basket to go do laundry. 

A half hour later, the couple woke slowly to the smell of coffee. Susie stretched rolling to her other side. Axel kissed her shoulder softly before getting up, grabbing some cloths and heading to the shower. The hot water felt amazing as he stood there with his head down, palms flat against the wall, as the water beats over him.  

The door slides open for Susie to get in with him. She wraps her arms around him and lays on his back. Axel stands. He turns towards her smiling down as droplets of water tumble off his hair, down his nose to the tip of hers.

“How are you doing this morning Babe?” He grabs a shampoo bottle squirting some in his palm. “Turn around.” He starts to wash her hair.  

Susie turned closing her eyes as she leaned her head back a bit for Axel to wash her hair. “I’m a little sort, Daddy.” She muttered.  

Axel grinned, “Not when anyone is in the house Babe. That little game is between you and me. Would you like to have an interview for that mechanics job you want? We can make it like a game.” He rinses her hair and adds conditioner combing it out gentle.

“Yes, I would love that.” She smiles wide keeping her eyes shut as Axel rinses her hair. “Only I don’t think of that as a game, Axel. An interview with any company is to be taken seriously.”

“Maybe you are always to Serious Susie Q, but I guess I will find that out in a few hours.” He washes every part of her.

Susie giggles, “I am perfectly capable of washing myself, Axel.”

“I know,” he smiled. “I just like to take care of you if it is alright?”

“I guess it’s fine,” She turned as he rinsed her with the handheld shower head.  

“Now go get a nice sundress on,” He opened the back of the shower door. “I believe Carol has coffee, donuts, and fruit for us to have for breakfast. She always has good treats when she comes to clean.”  

He stays in the shower to wash when she gets out. She does what he tells her without a second thought. Her only thoughts were how nice it felt for him to get her clean and of course, coffee. When Susie ventures out to the kitchen she saw to coffee mugs, a basket of fruit and box. On further inspection she looks in the clear window at the top of the box to see a myriad of donut holes in a variety of flavors.  

Carol rushes over to pour her some coffee, “Good morning Miss. Do you like the flavored creamer that is in the refrigerator?”

“Thank you, Carol,” She smiles. “I would like the creamer. You can call me Susie.”

“Sure thing, Miss Susie.” She gets the creamer and pours it until Susie holds her hand up to stop.  

Axel Comes out in Camo board shorts drying his hair with a towel. As soon as Carol sees him, she pours his coffee, adds a little sugar to it before starting back to straighten up the bedroom.

“Thank you, Carol,” Axel yells after her. “We will be out of your hair for a few hours after breakfast.”

“You are welcome Mr. Axel,” She rambled, “You need to eat more. You are to thin.”

“If you say so Carol.” Axel laughed, “Carol has been the family housekeeper as long as I can remember. She also took care of me and my brother Josh when my mom,” He looked down fidgeting with his fingers before taking a sip of coffee. “When she left us.” He popped a sprinkle covered donut hole in his mouth.

“I’m sorry, Axel.” Susie took his hand from across the table. “Can I ask what happened? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.”

Axel shrugged, “I was about thirteen and saw how my Mom was kind of flirty with guys other than my Dad. It was disgusting. I think her leaving was the best thing that ever happened to him. But he was pretty pissed when I told him that.  

“Josh was only eight. He cried a lot for a few weeks as far I remember. He needed a Mother. Carol tried her best to fill the void. Eric was trying to get a degree in something when she left. I can’t remember what. I just remember he came home on break and never went back. Dad was disappointed. I was happy. My mom couldn’t embarrass me when she hit on my teachers.” He popped another donut hole.

Susie ate a strawberry cream filled and sipped her coffee not sure what to say. Her parents never seemed to notice anyone else but each other. And they could sometimes be amorous in public which was embarrassing for her. It was embarrassing for her now. It was ten times worse when she was thirteen. But She didn’t think it was nearly as embarrassing as Axel’s situation.

“How about we take a walk on the beach,” He sighed. “The ocean air always clears my head in the morning. Then I’ll take you to the garage to do that interview. I don’t think you are dressed correctly for an interview, but I’ll let that slide since I told you what to wear and you look fine as Hell.”

“I guess it pays to know the owner,” She giggled. “If you give me the mechanics job,” She picked up another donut hole licking the glaze off before slowing sucking it into your mouth to eat. “I’ll give you another kind of job.”

“Hell no,” Axel got up. “That would be sexual harassment Miss. We don’t play with rules laid out against such things at my garage. That is the worst interview tactic you can have in this day and age, Susie Q. I hope that isn’t your usual interview technique.”

She blushes, “No, of course not Axel. I was just kind of joking.”

“I take my business serious,” He leans down to her ear. “Also fuck jobs. So, one does not mix with the other. Unless my girlfriend wants to suck my cock during my break.” He grins. “Let’s go.”  

They walk out down the back stairs to the beach. The sun is blazing. The farther they walk the more sun bathers and families liter the beach with their towels, blankets, chairs and umbrellas. Axel and Susie ignore it all as they walk together silently for a while.  

“Axel,” Susie keeps walking with him as they talk.

“Yeah?” He picks her hand up to kiss it gentle. Some waves splash over their feet.

“I’m sorry your Mother left you when you needed her.” She squeaked out quietly.

“I never needed shit from her,” Axel grumbled. A small tear escaped his right eye.  “I just feel bad for Josh. Him being upset was worse than her leaving. But we all got over it. No use talking about her anymore, alright?”

“Okay,” Susie leaned on him as he put his arm around her shoulders. “Just know I’ll listen if you ever need too...”

“I won’t, so just drop it,” he growled before taking a deep breath to calm down. “Let’s grab a pineapple rum slushy at the snack house. Then walk back to get the bike. You have an important interview in about an hour.”  

“Your right; I do.” Susie Beamed. “Should I be drinking before my interview?”

“These aren’t very strong,” He gets up to the outdoor counter. “Can we get two spiked pineapple slushies?”

“Sure thing, Axel,” The counter person said. “I am bringing my viper in for a tune up tomorrow. Will you be working?”

“No, I’m off this weekend, Dwayne but Danny is excellent.” Axel praises his worker. “He will have your motorcycle running perfectly when he is done.”

“Cool man, thanks.” Dwayne hands them their drinks.

“Thanks for keeping everyone cool with these drinks,” Axel raises his drink to Dwayne before walking off with Susie.

They walked back on the edge of the even more crowded beach and ocean entrance. They had drunk their slushies by the time they got to his motorcycle.

“I haven’t walked the beach to get a slushy since I was a kid,” Axel smiled. “Of course, in those days I didn’t get the extra kick. Not that this has much of a kick.” He got on his ride. “Let’s go baby girl.”

She crossed her arms and shook her head, “No, I know you said there wasn’t much rum in that, but I could taste it. I’m not sure you should be driving.”  

“Really?” Axel glared. “Just get on the fucking bike. I’m fine. The legal limit here is 08% blood alcohol. According to intoxalock.com it takes about five drinks an hour for someone my weight to reach a .08%. I had a dash of rum. I don’t drink more than one drink of any kind if I am going to drive. I won’t put in us in danger like that.”

She stands there staring at him without budging.

“I can’t believe you don’t trust me.” He gets back off the bike.

“I trust you fine Axel,” She bites her bottom lip nervously. “I just don’t trust the alcohol in your system”

“Yeah, that isn’t a thing.” He grabs her upper arm. “I have no problem taking a fucking breathalyzer test at the Lifeguard stand.

His temper flared as they made their way to the closest Lifeguard tower. “ Hey Roni, you have a minute to prove to my girl one fucking rum slushy doesn’t make me to drunk to drive. She doesn’t fucking trust my word. Sorry wrong words. She doesn’t trust the fucking alcohol.” Axel smirks.

She looks down at Axel and Susie. He looks pissed. Susie has tears forming in the corners of her eyes. She tries not to let it show how upset she is about the situation.  

“I just...” Susie starts.

“I don’t need to hear anything but a sorry from you, young lady,” Axel chides.

“Um yeah Axel,” Roni hoped down from her tower. “But give the girl a break, would you.”

Axel glared, “test, please.”

She gets the test out of her bag, “I think you know how to blow in this.”

Axel nods. “I’m ready.”

Roni puts the breathalyzer between Axel’s lips. Hits a button, “Now, blow, blow, blow, blow, and … your good.” She shows the results to Axel and Susie. “You are at .005. Your fine Axel. Susie, Axel can actually drink a few drinks in an hour and still drive fine. But I know he doesn’t. You want to check yours?”

“Yeah, make sure your judgement isn’t impaired to judge me,” Axel mumbles.

Susie rolls her eyes, “fine, I’ll do it to.”  

“Okay then Susie,” Roni wipes the mouthpiece with an alcohol pad before putting it in Susie's mouth. “blow, blow, blow, blow, and … your good.” She shows the results. “You are .07. Your quite a light weight.” She laughs. “Still you would pass a test. But Axel is driving, right?”

“Yes, I am,” Axel said proudly. “Thank you, Roni. You going to the garage with me still Susie Q.?”  

Axel and Susie start walking away.

“Of course, I am,” Susie assured him. “I still have an important interview, don’t I?”

“Yeah, if you don’t think you drank too much to deal with it?” Axel smirked.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.” She whined.

Axel got on his motorcycle and revved the engine waiting for her to get on. “I think a little girl that acts like you have today needs punished, but we will discuss that later.”

He speeds off cutting through the late afternoon traffic like it didn’t even exist. Susie held tight around him thinking she would almost fall off as they leaned into a sharp turn nearly touching the ground. He skids into his packing spot In front of the garage.  

Axel sets up the kicks stand before getting off. “Give me five minutes before knocking on my office door.”

“I can do that,” Susie said meekly. She waited as instructed before heading into the garage with a smile plastered on her face. She nodded to the guys fixing a few cars and scrubbing down the place like their life depended on it. She knocked on the office door.

Axel answered the door with a clip board in hand, “Good afternoon Miss,” he looked at the clipboard. “Quinnby. You’re a little late.”

Susie was more nervous than she had ever been in an interview. “I’m sorry, I...”

Axel put his hand up to stop her as he sat down. “It says her you have some technical training in auto mechanics. What kinds of vehicles have you worked on?”

“I worked in a group on a few different cars and a truck,” She answered crossing her legs at the ankle. “I know I can learn a lot here.”

“I’m sure you could,” He leaned back clasping his hands behind his head. “Tell me what you like to do for fun?”  

“I read.’ She wasn’t sure why the question was significant, but it had been asked of her before in interviewed. “I have been reading mechanics journals and magazines and learning about water sports.”

“What is the most interesting article you have read?” Axel prodded.

“They are all fascinating,” She fidgeted a little.

“Oh yeah?” He smirked. “What article was the most interesting?”

“I read Popular Mechanics and Rider.” She pauses. “There was a cool article on fuel efficient High Mileage Carburetors. And an older article that talked about a guy who built a carburetor for his sedan which vaporized the fuel and enabled his V8 to get over 100 mpg.”  

Axel nodded and got up, “Thank you Miss Quinnby. I have many applicants to see but I will call you if you get the job here.”

Susie got up as Axel opened the door for her to leave, “Your welcome Mr. Cluney.” She walked out thinking Axel would follow her. He shut the door behind her instead leaving her a little baffled.  

Inside the room Axel’s anger raged as he mumbled to himself. “fucking can’t trust me but wants to hide out here and expects a fucking job...” He punches his fist against the wall a few times. Blood ran from his knuckles. “Can’t fucking believe females. Fucking whores to get what they want. Expect me to just forgive and forget all their treachery.” He banged his head against the wall and screamed. “FUCK I AM MORON FOR TRUSTING ANYONE!”  

When Axel doesn’t come out for a few minutes, she tries to go back in. The door is locked, so she calls out, “Axel?”  

Axel splashes some water on his face. He took a few deep breaths as he walked to the door opening it, “I’m fine. Let’s get you a ticket back home or wherever you want to go but here. Here is not the place for you to hide.”

Susie’s mouth dropped open as Axel brushed past her without a look. She followed him without a sound waiting for a better time to ask him, what the hell he is thinking.  

“Danny, Dwayne is bringing his Viper in tomorrow for a tune up. Buff out any scratches he has on the house.” Axel ordered. “I told him you would do it since you’re my best mechanic when I’m not here.”  

The other guys scoffed at Axel’s remark. Axel glared, “Anyone have an opinion they want to share just step right up.” They all turned back to what they were doing. “Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.” Axel gets on his motorcycle. He waits impatiently for Susie.  

She comes out, “Axel, what’s going on? You are obviously upset.”

“No more fucking public displays.” He revved the motor. “You want to talk you come with me now.”

“But I think you are too upset to drive,” Susie squeaked.

“Of course, you do,” Axel sped off yelling, “You know where I live.”

[jessahmewren]

“Birthday Boy Seeking Party Guests” / Queen / Bohemian Rhapsody Fan Fiction

Summary: Tired of spending birthday’s alone, John posts an ad on Craigslist hoping to spice things up.  Set in the 2000′s.  

Rating E for Everyone be aware here be smut.  

Pairing: Poly

Word count: 7,556

Also on Ao3

-0-0-0-

John erased what he’d written for what seemed like the tenth time, squinting at the screen on his laptop. He cracked his knuckles, taking another sip of wine.  The bottle was more than half gone, but he couldn’t be bothered to care.  It was the weekend, and he was spending it, like every other weekend, alone in his flat browsing the internet.  

The wine settled in his bones, making him feel warm and heavy and a bit giddy.  He opened up the Word document where the Craigslist Personal’s ad he’d been fumbling over for the past half hour sat half written.

“I am a single male seeking three men for a one night stand at my flat.  I have no other preferences other than that you be reasonably good looking and clean.  I will send a headshot and directions when you send one.”  

Wait.  The fuck?  That sounded really off and vain.  No way should he be writing this while drunk.  Or, he thought miserably, writing this period.  But anyway.  

“I am a single male seeking three men for a one night stand at my flat. I am fit and disease free; please be the same.  Details to be follow.”  

Was that better, he wondered?  Worse?

“I’ve never done this before; I’m not weird or even kinky…just a normal guy wanting to have a good time for once on his birthday.”  

There, he thought. That sounded nice and normal, not scary like some of the other ads (seriously, the one asking for the fart buddy was a little out there…).  He copied the ad and, before he could chicken out, pasted it into the text box.  

He titled the ad “Birthday Boy Seeking Party Guests” and hit submit before he could talk himself out of it.

John checked his Myspace briefly before closing the laptop.  His cat, Gwyneth, coiled around his legs.  He reached down to stroke her ginger fur.  “Again, lovely?  You’ve already had your dinner,” he cooed fondly.  He reached for a bit of chicken from the fridge, leftovers from his own meal. “Just a snack, now.”  The cat was an absolute unit, and he couldn’t afford her getting any fatter.  

He put the wine glass in the sink, nodding off slightly as the water ran.  Gwyneth waddled off to her cat bed, sniffing it delicately before she sank into the pillowy softness.  John smiled at her as he switched off the light and shuffled off to his bedroom.

As he lay down beneath the covers, he thought of his little Craigslist ad, and smiled.  

--

Freddie woke up early for once, silencing his alarm on his phone and stumbling to the teapot.  He put the kettle on and grabbed a lemon strudel before settling on the couch and opening his laptop.  

Craigslist was still open from the night before where he had entertained himself with reading the personal ads.  It was one of his favorite past times late at night…sitting with a bag of crisps with his legs crossed reading some of those wacky adds.  As his kettle hummed, he decided to scroll further down the page.

He landed on John’s ad, and something made him smile.  “I’m not weird or even kinky…” Freddie laughed at that.  Why yes you are darling, you’re asking for a foursome for your birthday!  Still, his smile never faltered.  He clicked on the user name and opened up his email program.

“Hi John, I’m Freddie.  I AM weird and VERY kinky, and would love to come to your birthday party ;). I have attached a headshot. Cheers.”

He hit send and closed the laptop. His kettle was boiling by now and he poured himself a cuppa. He thought about the email he’d just sent and sighed.  It wasn’t likely he was going to get a reply, and if he did, he was up for it. He hooked up regularly with no problems.  This time was likely to be any different.

--

Brian cursed to himself. He was late and the computer labs at the university were always nearly full around lunch.  He had a paper due in two hours.  Maybe he could swing it.  

He found one open kiosk in the corner and settled in front of it, plugging in his flashdrive.  After an hour of typing, Brian closed the document and submitted it to his professor.  One more paper, one more assignment closer to his PhD.  He took a moment to relax and opened up his Hotmail.

After a few moments of aimless clicking and deleting, he opened one of his Craigslist notifications. Unfortunately, the amp he had wanted for his guitar was already sold.  He clicked the link anyway, the website opening in a new window.  He browsed the website a bit, eventually landing on the Personals section.  

He entertained himself for a while, admittedly enjoying the sexier ads.  And then he read John’s.  

Something about it struck him as honest, and Brian could respect that.  Brian considered the prospect of fucking three other guys, a little thrill running through him.  What would that even be like?  

He decided, like a good doctoral researcher, that he needed more information.  He emailed John.  

--

Roger was drunk (and maybe something else).  His limbs were loose, and he couldn’t feel his lips.  An easy euphoria fell over him, throbbing in his skull in time with the pulsing music and the girl riding his lap.  The friends he’d come over with were somewhere else, but there were others here.  So many people just walking around him as this girl fucked him right here on the sofa.

“Lay back baby,” She said as she rode him, steadily lifting herself off of him, the wet squelch of her tight heat lost to the music and the chaos of the open room. She was pretty in an odd way, Roger thought.  His body felt like it was on fire, and he felt the involuntary response of his orgasm winding its way to completion.  

He gasped, coming inside the condom as she giggled and contracted around him.  He was panting hard, his heart racing.  Whatever he had taken was too much, he thought, too much this time.  He felt sick. He pawed at the girl as she chased her own climax, pushing her off just as she came, nibbling at his sweat-slick skin.

“Thanks for the fuck,” she said as she slid off him.  She pulled up her panties under her skirt and wobbled away.  

He sagged back against the couch where no one seemed to pay attention to him, feeling used.  Tears stung his eyes, and then someone called his name.  

“Hey Roger, you done fucking around?  Come play this game with us.”

He raised his head, the whole room swimming.  Gingerly, he made his way over to the small gathering.  There were shots set up in front of a laptop.  Greg, the leader of the group, pushed Roger down in a chair.

“It’s youngest against oldest, and Rog, you’re the youngest.  Whoever does the least amount of shots has to answer one of these Craigslist Personals ads.  I’ve put them all in a random name generator so it’s totally fair.”

Roger felt sick.  He knew he’d had too much to drink already, and there was no way he would win.  He stared the other man down anyway.  

Greg counted them out. “On your mark, get set, go!”

Roger started downing shots until he declared he’d had enough.  He was nearly blackout drunk when they pulled the virtual lever on the random name generator.  The ad title that came up was “Birthday Boy Seeking Party Guests.”

Roger was passed out on the couch when Greg sent the email to John along with a fetching photo of Roger smiling with friends while wearing his favorite sunglasses.  Greg was sure to add, “you can’t tell, but my eyes are blue ;).”

--

John forgot about his little ad until the following evening, when he was coming home from the repair shop and remembered that he should probably check his email.  He picked up dinner, fed Gwyneth and did just that, deleting the spam and adverts and noticing, to his surprise, several emails from Craigslist users.  

He omitted some right away…not on a superficial bases, but just based on how they sounded.  Bossy, arrogant, or their emails gave out a creepy vibe.  The next one he clicked on was a bloke named Freddie.  

“I AM weird AND kinky…”  John laughed at that.  That was mild compared to some of the other things he’d been told.  It was rather endearing, actually.  As the pic took forever to load, he thought Freddie might be interesting to get to know.  

Then the pic finally opened and John’s mouth flew open.

Black, lustrous, shoulder-length hair framing the most stunning face…tan skin stretched over sharp cheekbones and jawline and those piercing brown kohl-lined eyes.  He was easily the most exotic person John had ever laid eyes on.  He was immediately attracted to him.  

John hit reply and began typing.  “I love your headshot.  This may be a little forward, but would you like to come celebrate my birthday with me?  You would be my first guest :).”  

He gave him the time and place, included a headshot, and hit send, hoping for the best.  

The next email was a bit longer and more thoughtful but just as intriguing.  

“Hi there.  My name is Brian.  I am a college student getting my PhD.  I saw your ad on Craigslist and I must say I am intrigued.  I have never done anything like this, either.  I would be interested in helping you celebrate your birthday if you provide a safe, clean environment in which to do so.  Please provide photos of your flat.”  Thanks –Bri”

John smiled.  How considerate to think of a safe environment. Bri was definitely getting an email. He replied to Brian and included photos of his living room, kitchen, and bedroom (he left the bathroom out for reasons). Thankfully he had just tidied up. He also included a headshot.  

The next email that caught his eye was from Roger.  When the pic loaded, he was stunned to find a beautiful blond man with a winning smile standing in a group of friends.  

“Hi! My name is Roger.  I saw your ad on Craigslist.  You can count me in!  Just send me the time and place.  Also, you can’t tell, but my eyes are blue ;).”

John smiled at his enthusiasm.  He attached a headshot, gave him the details and hoped he would hear a little more from him.

John switched over to his Myspace and made a post for the first time in a long time.  “Happy for new adventures,” it said with a sticker. And for the first time in a long time, he was.

--

Freddie was late, and he had just enough time for tea and maybe to check his email before he was needed at Splash, the high-end fashion boutique where he worked.  He scrolled through his messages on his phone, reading a few replies, when one from Craigslist user John caught his eye.    

“I love your headshot.  This may be a little forward…”  

Freddie smiled at that.

The pic finally loaded, and Freddie’s mouth watered at the sweet sight.  A young man, early twenties, long brown hair, lovely green eyes, and the sweetest smile stared back at him.  There were secrets in that smile, he thought, and Freddie wanted to find them out.  

So Freddie had a date with not one but three other gents.  He better get to work so he could find himself something new to wear.  

--

“I want a double mocha latte, no whip, no drizzle, but soy sub on the milk,” the customer spouted off dryly, and Brian just nodded.  He’d been working as a barista at Starbucks to help pay his way through college, and while things could get a little crazy, he mostly liked it.  “No problem,” he said as he tried to smile.  “Name please?”  

The teenage girl grinned. “Princess of the Universe.” Brian’s face fell.  “Alright miss I’ll try to fit that on the cup,” he muttered as he turned to make her coffee.  

At his next break, he sat in the back and played Angry Birds on his phone until his email notifications pinged.  John from Craigslist had written him back.  

“Hi Bri! This is John. I really enjoyed your email and appreciate you thinking to ask about a safe environment.  That is really important and is honestly something I would do. I have included the requested pictures of my flat.  Thankfully I had just tidied up (haha).

The flat was neat and clean. Very homey.  There was a fat orange cat nestled on the couch in one of the pics, and it made Brian smile.  The headshot John had sent was of John in profile, looking out a window. His green eyes were luminous in the sunlight, and his long brown hair was pulled back over his shoulder.  There was a slight smile on his face.  

Brian hummed as he looked at it, eyes going over the smooth skin of the young man’s neck and where that skin stretched over the juncture of his jaw and cheek.  He was lovely.  

“Brian!  You’ve got customers!”  

Brian muttered a curse to himself.  

“I’d very much like to attend,” Brian found himself typing. “Send me the details.”

--

His head was pounding, and the afternoon light of his bedroom hurt his eyes.  Those were Roger’s first cognizant thoughts as he gradually returned to wakefulness after coming home last night and passing out on top of his sheets.  

He doesn’t remember coming home, really, or how he got home.  But he assumed Greg and his friends dumped him off here after he woke up on their couch.  

It didn’t matter, not really.  He stumbled home like this a few times a week and he invariably always recovered.  

Roger peeled himself off the mattress, dragging himself into the bathroom to splash some water on his face. He endured the light so he wouldn’t miss the toilet, and when he passed the mirror, he paused.  

There were dark circles under his bloodshot eyes.  His face was puffy, his hair in disarray.  He looked older somehow, and he swore under his breath.  Shit had to get better than this.  

He peeled off last night’s clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot spray wash off the filth and sketchy memories.  Stepping out of the shower, he toweled off and put on a pair of sweats.  He had a few hours before he had to be at his bartending job at a local nightclub, so he decided to forego the tea and head straight for the coffee.  

He settled into the couch, letting the weariness leech from his boned into the cushions.  Sipping his coffee, he checked his email, frowning when he got a notification from Craigslist.  

“What the hell,” he muttered to himself, opening the email to find the top half of a picture loading.

It was a young man with soft green eyes crinkled at the edges, a wide smile and long brown hair. Something caught in his chest, something warm and fluttery, as he looked at it.  

The email was underneath.

“Hello Roger!  I’m John. I’m excited that you want to attend my birthday party.  You’re my third guest, so that makes four of us, lol ;).  I’m sending you the date and time below along with directions to my flat. I can’t wait to meet you in person. :).”

What the actual FUCK.

And suddenly it all came flooding back.  The shot game, the lost bet.  Roger’s heart sped up.  Was he going to a foursome?  Were they all dudes?  His mouth went dry.  While Roger had always been attracted to men, he had never actually slept with one.  He swallowed.  Could he actually do this?  

FUCK.  

--

There was no Emily Post etiquette guide for hosting a foursome, so John decided to wing it.

As he stared down into the homemade pasta sauce, he reasoned that food was a good move.  Food brought people together, and togetherness brought sex. John smiled, satisfied with his ingenious if rather simplistic reasoning.  He stirred the sauce, pausing before adding the browned ground beef. What were the odds that one of them was a vegetarian?  He shrugged and dumped it in.  Not too high.

The doorbell rang and John nearly jumped out of his skin.  It was 6:05, and his guests weren’t due until 6:30.  He frowned, turning the burner on low and moving to the peephole.  

There, on the other side, was the same face he’d viewed in the email, only in living color.  The sharp cheek bones, the elegant nose, the kohl lined eyes.  John couldn’t get the door open fast enough.  

“Freddie,” he almost breathed.  His heart was beating fast and he self-consciously smoothed the hair around his face.  

Freddie’s eyes flicked down to his chest, then back up to his face before he smiled, stepped into his space and smoothly kissed him, steadying his chin with the tips of his fingers.  

John returned the kiss before breaking away, sputtering a little before getting his bearings.  “Do you…do you always greet strangers like that?”

Freddie laughed smoothly. “No, silly.”  He looked down, then back up at him, one neatly trimmed eyebrow cocked slightly.  “But I’m excellent at following instructions.”

John flushed, remembering his ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron, and ushered him inside.  “Um, can I get you something to drink?”  

“I dunno, can you?” Freddie said smoothly as he walked through the living room of John’s flat, taking in every detail.  He was impeccably dressed, John thought as he tracked him through the space.  He stirred the sauce, leaving it to simmer and reached for a bottle of red wine, pouring Freddie a glass.

He handed it to the man who took it gratefully.  “Something smells yummy.  You didn’t have to cook, darling.”  

John smiled, flushing at the epithet.  “It’s just pasta.  It’s nothing.”

Freddie settled on the couch, balancing the wine glass on his knee.  “I hope you don’t mind that I arrived a little early.  I always arrive early to these sorts of things.  It keeps me safe.”  

John nodded.  “That’s smart actually.  I don’t mind at all.  I’m just glad you came.”  

Freddie waggled his eyebrows over his wine glass.  “I always come.”  

John’s blush deepened, and Freddie laughed.  

“I can’t help myself, darling, you’re just so damn cute when you do that.”

John lowered his glass. “Do what?”

“Blush like that. It’s precious.”  

The two of them sat there for a few moments when Gwyneth took that opportunity to rub against Freddie’s leg.  

“What a baby!”  

John laughed as Gwyneth stretched and meowed, looking up at Freddie with affection.  “I think she likes you.”  

Freddie cooed and scratched her head.  “I think I’m in love.”  

--

When Brian arrived, John was busy straining the pasta, so Freddie got the door.  

“Hello, darling,” he said brightly.

Brian looked at Freddie blankly.  “You’re not John.”  

“Come on in!” John called from the kitchen, and Brian side-stepped the man at the door a little nervously to meet the man in the kitchen.  

“Um, sorry darling, but as I was about to say, “I’m Freddie.”  

Brian looked down at the enigmatic man who had a delicate hand stuck out for him to shake.  He took it.  

Brian pressed his lips together.  “Sorry about that earlier.  I uh…I was just expecting John.”  

Freddie patted his arm. “It’s alright love.  We’re all a little jumpy.  Just meeting and all that.  But John is lovely. He even cooked.”  

John appeared behind Brian, a dish towel over his shoulder.  “Hello,” he said.  “I’m John.”

Brian shook his hand, noticing the calloused fingers.  The young man was trim in figure-hugging jeans and a crisp blue shirt that brought out the green in his eyes.  Brian swallowed hard.  

“Brian,” he said a little thinly.  

John smiled, and it went straight to his gut.  “I hope you like pasta Brian.”  He walked to the counter and poured him a glass of wine.

Brian took it from him. “I do actually.  Just no meat sauce.  I’m a vegetarian.”

John looked horrified. “Fuckity fuck,” John he said allowed. “How about a salad?”  

Freddie howled with laughter, the outburst so loud it scared Gwyneth under the couch.  Brian just smiled softly, laying a hand on John’s shoulder.  “That actually sounds lovely John.”

Brian made his way to the couch, followed closely by Freddie.  The other man was observing him very keenly, taking in the softly curling hair and the sharp nose framing the delicate face.  Brian was dressed very casually compared to Freddie, but he was no slouch.  His neat jeans and tan blazer suited his slim physique very well.  

John stared at the clock. It was crowding seven now, and Roger was nowhere to be found.  A little pang of worry stabbed at his heart.  It was possible that he might not show, and that was fine, but he was certainly looking forward to meeting him.  He thought of the blue eyes the photo had hidden that he would never get to see.  

Instead of worrying, he busied himself with plating the pasta and salads.  Brian met him in the kitchen, setting his wine glass down. “Let me give you a hand, John.” His smile was genuine and warm, and John found that he liked it very much.  

With two working it took half the time, and everyone had their food.  Freddie looked around at the empty place setting and frowned. “Where’s number four?”  

John worried his lip. “I don’t really know,” he said honestly. “I’m sure he’ll make it.”  

Freddie smiled sympathetically.  “Sometimes they don’t love.  Nerves and all.”  

Almost on cue, there came a tentative knock at the door.  John stood a little too fast before settling himself down enough to answer it.  He knew before looking through the peephole who it was.  

Roger was dressed in a fashionable leather jacket and matching pants that hugged his figure. His trademark sunglasses were in the collar of his frayed t-shirt, no doubt purchased that way.  His hair was messy-chic.  John couldn’t stop staring at him until those blue eyes popped up to meet his.  “You’re John?”  

“Y-yeah,” he stammered out. “Nice to meet you Roger.”  Roger shook it rather limply as he breezed into the living room, not giving John more than a glance.  He stiffened when he heard voices from the kitchen.  

“There you are!” Freddie called out to him.  “Thought this was going to be a threesome.  And while that’s still lovely, I do hate it when plans change,” he pouted.

Roger turned rather haltingly to face the other two men who had been eating and chatting, getting to know one another.  Brian pointed to the open seat at the table, and Roger took it.  

“Mind if I smoke John?”

John liked his voice…soft but still masculine.  It made his stomach flutter.  And while he smoked, he usually didn’t smoke inside because of Gwyneth. But he supposed—

“That’s fine,” John finally said.  He watched as the fire from the lighter illuminated his fine features; he was certainly very beautiful, this Roger.  

“I made dinner,” John offered, hoping to start a conversation with the man who had said very little since he arrived.  

“Not hungry mate. Thanks though.”  

John frowned a little, and Freddie cleared his throat.  

“Well I’m Freddie, and this is Brian,” the ever talkative Freddie began with the introductions.

“Roger,” the newcomer mumbled around his cigarette.

They resumed eating and things grew quiet and bit awkward as Roger sat there smoking while everyone ate. He was very closed off, like he didn’t want to be there.  John would need to get to the bottom of it if things progressed.  

“Now that we’re all here, I’m a true bottom,” Freddie said matter-of-factly, “so I hope there are some tops among us.”  

John nearly choked on his penne, and Brian had to pat him on the back, a fond smile on his face.  “It doesn’t matter to me either way,” Brian said, his face growing hot.  

“Me neither,” John said quietly.

Roger took a bored drag on his cigarette.  “Top,” he muttered.  

Freddie’s eyes grew wide. “Really…”

Roger snapped his gaze Freddie’s way.  “Yeah, that’s right.  Is that so hard to believe, you wanker?”

Freddie put his hands up in defense.  “No reason to be nasty, love.  Just took me by surprise is all.  You just give off…bottomy vibes.”

Roger stubbed out his cigarette in his empty plate.  “What the FUCK is that supposed to mean?”  

Freddie rolled his eyes. “Nothing darling.  Forget it.”  

Roger had stood, fists balled at his hips, and he was gyrating with anger.  John and Brian were looking on, wide-eyed, wondering where all of this would go.  

Until Freddie stood and hugged the man.  

Roger relaxed into his grip, his head dropping to his shoulder.  He sighed, arms relaxing at his sides.  

“Darling, it’s alright,” Freddie soothed against him.  “It’s all alright now.”  

And when Freddie pulled away, he kissed him softly on the lips.  

Roger hummed in surprise before relenting into the kiss, letting his mouth go pliant against the other man’s and enjoying the faint hint of tomato sauce and chapstick on his tongue. When Freddie released him, he sighed.

“Why—why did you do that?”

Freddie reached up to thumb at his chin.  “Darling, you looked like you needed it.  When’s the last time someone hugged you?”

Roger’s eyes stung with oncoming tears, but he willed them back down.  His lack of an answer was enough for Freddie.  

“Let us take care of you tonight,” he said sweetly.  “Show you true affection.  Make you feel good.”  

“Yeah,” Roger found himself saying.  It sounded so nice, after all, to be truly wanted and cared for, if only for the night.

Brian and John were beside them now, and John leaned in and lay a hand on Roger’s arm.  “Are we ok?”  

Roger nodded, feeling much more at ease.  “Yeah, everything is fine.”  

John smiled.  “Let’s clean up, yeah?  Then maybe we can move this into the bedroom.”  

--

“You uh…You mind if I just watch for a while?”

Roger had gotten his shirt off, and then nerves had taken over.  Freddie was on all fours, moaning into John’s talented fingers as he opened him up, his heavy cock straining with need.  

John shot him a smile. “Sure love.  Do what you’re comfortable with,” he said as he punched another moan out of Freddie, twisting those fingers inside of his tight walls.

Roger eased off the bed before a hand grabbed him.  “Hey,” Brian said, hazel eyes soft with lust.  

Roger swallowed, the tall man’s kind smile making him feel instantly at ease.  

He smiled, his heartrate going down a bit.

“Where are you off to?” Brian answered innocently. He was crowding his space, the bare skin of his chest now flush with his as he bent his head to nose at his hair.  

“That chair in the corner,” Roger said softly.  “I was gonna watch.”

Brian placed a little kiss to his hair.  “Not gonna play?”

Roger’s throat was dry, and he was straining in his trousers.  “Not right now,” he trailed off.

Brian kissed further down the side of his face.  “Pity,” he said as his hands traveled over Rogers bum.

“You ever had a really good blowjob, Roger?  One that makes you feel like you’re exploding into a billion stars?”  Brian finally reached his mouth and locked lips with him, his tongue curling around his, kissing him so deeply it stole Roger’s breath.

Roger moaned in spite of himself, leaning into Brian’s touch.  Brian released him, never breaking eye-contact.  “Well, have you?”  

He answered him truthfully. “I guess not,” he said a little breathlessly.  

Brian smiled.  “That’s what I was hoping you would say.”

“Can you take a fourth finger baby?”  Freddie just moaned, gripping the sheets as he tossed his head back.  John slid it in, delighting in the way Freddie just fluttered around him, drawing him in like he was born to take it.  He worked his fingers in and out of him, hitting his prostate to make him moan.  The sound of Brian going down on Roger was in his ears and it home to John that this foursome dream of his was really happening, this little birthday fantasy of his was real.  

John pressed kisses into Freddie’s neck, making sure his fingers kept up a steady pressure. Freddie just moaned—he was so vocal—and thrust his hips up to meet his fingers.  

“Need your cock,” he finally breathed.  “Give it to me John.”  

Roger shivered as Brian circled the head of his cock with his tongue, licking the slit before descending on him again.  Brian took him all the way to the base, his nose buried in the dark blond hair there, Roger’s hot length stretching his throat with every bob of his head.  

Above him, Roger was coming undone.  He was making little keening sounds as Brian played with his balls while sucking him off, moaning and sputtering that he wouldn’t last long.  It didn’t matter to Brian.  He loved this.  

The man grabbed a handful of his hair just before coming hot and full down his throat, his back arching prettily.  Brian swallowed him down, finally pulling off him when he was sure he was finished.  

Brian dabbed at his mouth as Roger looked at him with a little bit of awe.  

“You good?” he asked Roger as he sat back on his knees, smiling up at him.  

“Incredible,” Roger sighed. “That was better than X.”  

Brian frowned.  “X?”

“Ecstasy? The party drug?” Roger looked perplexed that the man had never heard of it.  

He dug in his pocket and produced a little baggie and handed it to Brian, who pushed it away.  

“Sorry mate, but I’m not down for that.  Brian looked nervously over his shoulder.  John doesn’t look the type either, so I’d put that away if I were you.”

Roger stuffed the baggie of pills back into his pocket.  “Do I look like the type?” he said as he zipped up his fly.  

Brian just sat there, thinking.

Freddie had one hand on his leaking cock, stroking it in rhythm to John’s thrusts.  His head was pressed into the mattress, and he was having the time of his life.  

“Harder John.  Fuck me harder babe.  Like you mean it!”

John loved how vocal Freddie had been to begin with, but now he was being outright bratty.  John hitched Freddie’s hips higher, angling them so he could aim directly at his prostate.  Freddie’s body was slicked with sweat as was his own, so maneuvering them was no easy feat.  He pulled out of Freddie and then slammed back down again.  

“God yes that’s it lover,” Freddie mumbled into the sheets as he set up a blistering pace, wet flesh slapping against each other as he John chased his release.  Freddie was furiously stroking himself, so it wouldn’t be long for him.  Through Freddie’s plaintive, sharp moans, he could feel the crest of his orgasm stop right at the edge.  He tightened his grip on Freddie, emptying into the condom as wave after wave of pleasure gripped him.  Somewhere through the fog he heard Freddie come right after.  

Brian followed Roger into living room, where he was trying to collect his things.  “You’re leaving?”

Roger turned on Brian, his hands on his hips.  “I don’t have much choice, now do I?”

Brian shrugged.  “You always have a choice.”

“I don’t belong here,” Roger said, shaking his head.  “I’m not even gay.”

Brian’s eyes widened. “Are you sure about that?”

Roger shook his head, withdrawing the little baggie of pills.  “Ah fuck it,” he said as he poured a few in his hand.  

Brian approached him slowly. “I can’t let you do that, Roger. Take those pills.  Not on my watch.”

Roger clutched the pills in his hand tightly to his chest.  “What the fuck do you care, Brian?   You’re just some guy who blew me off.  You don’t know me?”  He was vibrating with rage, his eyes wide.  “You don’t own me!”

Brian shook his head. “Listen to yourself.  You sound like a child.  We’re talking about drugs, here, Roger.  You could seriously hurt yourself.”  

“Yeah well, I hope I do,” He spat.  

Brian had no choice. “John!  Freddie!  I need you in here!”

The two of them came rushing in, John in a robe and Freddie struggling into pants.  “Brian, what’s wrong?”  

“Roger has drugs,” Brian got out quickly.  “Ecstasy. He’s about to take some.”  

Freddie stepped forward between them.  “Oh darling that shit is hell on you.  You don’t want to do that.  Tell me what’s up.”  

Roger relaxed a little. “Nothing,” he whispered. The pills were sweating and melting in his hand.  “I just needed to get out of my head for a little while.”

John was watching the proceedings, trying not to panic.  No way did he want drugs in his house, but he also didn’t want to see Roger hurt.  

Freddie nodded.  “I so understand that love.  That’s why I hook up a lot.  Sex helps me forget some nasty things in my past and some things that are going on in my daily you know?  It’s a nice escape.  Plus it’s legal and it doesn’t hurt me as long as I’m safe.”  

Roger’s hand relaxed a little on the pills.  “Yeah that makes sense,” he conceded.  “I’m glad you have that.”  

Freddie nodded again, getting close enough to Roger to smooth some of the hair that hung around his face behind his ear.  Roger seemed to lean into his touch.  “Did you enjoy your time with Brian, him?  Freddie couldn’t keep the wicked smile from his face.  “Sure sounded liked you did.”  

Roger smiled then. “Yeah it was really nice.”

“I bet.  Might have to see how nice it is, huh Brian?” Freddie said as he threw a wink over his shoulder at Brian who just laughed at him, shaking his head.  

Freddie grabbed Roger’s hand.  “Give me these darling…they’re all melted now, anyway.  Come have some fun with us instead.”  

Roger’s lips were dry as Freddie pried the pills from his grip.  “I’ve never…I’ve never been with a man,” he admitted.  

“A virgin?!” Freddie gasped, “Oh our boy’s a virgin…we’ll have to take extra special care of him won’t we boys?”  

Freddie discreetly handed off the baggie of pills and the few tablets to John who promptly went into the bathroom to flush them.  

“Yes,” he said as he stroked his face.  “We’ll take extra good care of you love.  You won’t have to worry about a thing.”  

--

Brian stroked the young man’s face as John worked on the fly of his dark jeans, easing them down his hips. His cock sprung free…no pants underneath, and John smiled, stroking him lightly.  Freddie hummed, squeezing Brian’s buttocks as he wrapped an arm around his waist.

“You sure you’re ok with this Roger?”  John’s voice was husky with want, his eyes flicking up briefly from the young man’s cock to his blue eyes where they looked down at him expectantly.  

“Yes,” Roger said, leaning into Brian’s hand on his face, his eyes fluttering closed.  “I want this.”

Freddie smiled, tightening his arms around Brian.  They walked Roger back until his legs touched the bed.  He sat down, easing onto the soft comforter while they helped him scoot back.  Brian was between his legs in an instant, easing between his thighs to skate his hands along his chest and arms while Freddie cradled his head in his lap.  Roger’s eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted in a pretty bow, and John bent to kiss them, unable to help himself.  

Roger sighed, giving himself over to the kiss, letting his tongue dart out to meet John’s as his arms strained against Freddie hands.  At some point, the dark-haired man had pressed his arms down into the mattress.

Roger panicked for a split second, then the thrill of the restraint sank into his bones, and he truly felt free.  

“That’s it baby,” Freddie soothed, “Just let go and let us take over.”  Roger stared up into the man’s soft brown eyes, feeling a strange sense of peace.

Brian was making slow circles on his hip, thumbing the sensitive skin there.  “Roger,” he said softly.  “Do you want to top?”  His hazel eyes bore into his.  “It’s your first time.  It’s easier that way.”

Roger worried his lip. “No,” he said firmly.  “I want to do it like Freddie did.”  

Freddie smirked a little, still stroking his hair.  “I knew it. He’s a natural bottom.”  

John giggled a little, tossing Brian the lube.  “Open him up nice and slow Brian.  Your fingers are slender.”  

John crawled over to Freddie, pulling his head up and kissing him firmly.  Freddie groaned into John’s mouth, letting his hand slide up his chest.  “Up for round two love?”  

John just hummed.  “Maybe.  Maybe not. On your knees, True Bottom.”  John pushed Freddie down on his knees, smacking his bum on the way down.  Freddie fell forward, grunting as he hit the mattress, landing on all fours.  

He shivered as John climbed up behind him. He could feel his warm breath on the back of his thigh, whispering over his bum as John’s hands settled there.  He parted his cheeks, and Freddie hardly had time to catch his breath before John had licked a hot strip up the cleft of his buttocks.  

“Fuck!” Freddie cried out, his whole body jerking under John’s mouth.  John smiled against him, and Freddie felt the wry grin against his skin.

Brian eased a pillow beneath Roger’s hips, watching Roger for any sign of discomfort.  He betrayed none; he seemed as relaxed as he did when Freddie was cradling his head.  Indeed, Freddie had now clasped the blond’s hand while being eaten out, a look of sheet bliss on his face, and Roger gripped it tightly.

“We’re going to do this very slowly, Roger.  It will feel different at first, but then it will feel good, ok?”  

Roger nodded his head, taking in a breath.  

Brian tutted.  “Don’t hold your breath love.  Blow it out for me.  Just try to relax, ok?  I’m not going to hurt you.”  

Brian smiled at him, and Roger returned it.  Brian had the sweetest, most genuine smile, and while he didn’t really know the man, he knew instinctively that he could trust him.  

He warmed the lube in is fingers before circling Roger’s entrance with smooth, calculated movements, relaxing the tight muscle.  He pushed one in, and Roger jumped a little.  

“How does that feel Roger? Talk to me.”  

“Different,” he breathed. “Not bad.”  

Brian smiled.  He began working the finger in and out of Roger rhythmically until he felt Roger relax around him, then he added a second.

Roger jerked, a little half-moan escaping his lips.  Brian cocked an eyebrow.  “Is that better?”  

“Y-yeah,” Roger stammered. “It’s ok.”  

Brian aimed for his prostate, finding the little bundle of nerves in moments, and Roger nearly folded in half.  “Just ok?”

Roger was panting, a fine sweat on his brow, and he unconsciously thrust onto Brian’s fingers. “So good,” he said, his grip on Freddie’s hand tightening.  

Freddie preened.  “Look at you baby boy—ahh—taking those fingers so well.  I knew you could do it.”

Freddie looked ruined, very near coming, and the sounds coming from John were bordering on obscene. Roger couldn’t see him, but whatever he was doing to Freddie it sounded like he was enjoying it.

Brian twisted the fingers against him, making him writhe and squirm, until he added a third.  

Roger winced at the sting, the stretch of a third finger, but Brian was gentle in coaxing him open. He was leaned over him, planting little kisses on his collarbone, his throat, and finally smothering his moans with his own mouth.  It all felt so intimate, not at all like his drug-fueled shags.  Tears began to spring in his eyes.  

Brian noticed immediately. “Roger, am I hurting you?  He lost the fingers immediately.  “Talk to me, Roger.”  

“No,” Roger choked out. “Give me more please.”  

John laughed as he was helping Freddie clean up.  “You’ve got him begging Brian.   So beautiful for us.”  

The fingers returned, a little rougher this time, a little more insistent.  Roger’s legs were open wide and he was almost swallowing Brian’s hand.

“You’re ready, gorgeous. I think my work here is done.” Brian withdrew his hand, wiping it on his thigh, and met John in the middle of the bed.  He kissed him deeply.  “You have him nice and open for me?” Brian murmured softly.

John nodded.  “He’s all yours.  I bet you can get him to come again.”  

Brian squeezed John’s arm, locking eyes with him.  “Be gentle with Roger.”

John blinked up at him. “Of course Bri,” he said, using his sign off from his email.  “I wouldn’t dream of hurting him.”  

Brian smiled.  “I know.”

John crawled over to Roger, who was still red-faced, his chest heaving.  He leaned over him, giving him a tender kiss.  “Hello love.  Don’t you look ravishing like this?”

John cradled his face in his hand, then trailed it down his chest to tease at a nipple.  “I’m going to take good care of you, yeah?”

Roger only nodded, his eyes half-lidded, lips kiss-swollen and irresistible.  

John slid on a condom, coating it with lube.  He pressed against Roger’s open entrance, letting his cockhead push at the rim.  He looked up at Roger.  “We don’t have to do this.  It’s up to you.”  

Roger shook his head. “I want it,” he said throwing his back into the pillow.  “Give it to me.”  

John pushed gently inside, watching Roger’s intake of breath, is fluttering eyelids at the sudden onslaught of being filled.  He gave him a moment to adjust, the vice-like grip of him around him, hot and incredibly tight driving him mad with the need to move.  

“I’m ok,” Roger said finally.  “Go ahead.”

He had one arm over his face and his lip between his teeth, but for his first time he was taking cock so well.  John basically made love to him…slow, measured strokes, his face buried in his shoulder and his hips undulating over his.  He had one hand on Roger’s cock, slowly stroking it in time with his thrusts.  

Then Roger started kissing him…hungry, desperate kisses that made the fire rise in his blood.  That, coupled with the feeling of how bloody close they were, their bodies nearly fused together, made John want to give it to him just a little harder.  

“Hitch your legs around me baby.  Come on, that’s it.”  John increased his pace, and little whines started coming from the back of Roger’s throat.

“You doing ok?”  

Roger nodded furiously. “Gonna come,” he managed.  

Freddie and Brian rolled over close to the couple, Freddie taking over for John by working Roger’s cock, and Brian sweeping the hair back from John’s neck and placing an encouraging kiss there.  

John could feel his own orgasm building, a tightly packed explosion of euphoria ready to burst at any moment. It was finally punched out of him when Roger looked up at him with those blue eyes and said “Just let go…” He had been the one who had been so careful with him, but it finally took permission from Roger for him to get release.  

With Freddie’s help, Roger came right after.  

The four of them lay beautifully spent, bodies sweating and coming down from their highs.  Roger lit a cigarette and shared it with Freddie.  

“We never cut the birthday cake,” John mused.  

Brian laughed.  “What time is it?”  

Someone looked at their phone.  “10:20.”

Roger smiled.  “Well, it’s still your birthday.”  

John laughed.  “Indeed it is.  Who’s up for some post-coital cake?”

Freddie grimaced.  “That does not sound right.”

They all tumbled out of bed toward the kitchen where John dished up the plates and began serving cake.

John flushed.  “Um, before you go, you’re free to use the shower. Freshen up a bit if you like.  Or, you could stay over…”  

Something flashed in their eyes, and they all shared a look.  

“I’m actually off tomorrow,” Freddie said.

“I don’t work until nighttime,” Roger added.

“My shift at the coffee shop doesn’t start until ten,” Brian replied.

John brightened.  “Well, that’s great!  I mean, I wouldn’t want you traveling so late and all.  Let’s take our cake back to bed, shall we?”  

John gathered up the plates and began to traipse back to the bedroom, but as soon as he got out of sight, Freddie grabbed a piece of paper and put his phone number on it, then gave it to Brian and then Roger and let them do the same.  At the bottom, he wrote “Happy Birthday” with a heart and stuck it on the fridge for John to find later.  Then, all three of them followed John back into the bedroom to finish their cake.

-0-0-0-

[artificialqueens]

Undone, Chapter 18 (Bitney) - Stephanie/Veronica

A/N: Welcome to Chapter 18 of UNDONE, our slow burn Bitney lesbian AU. Here’s a link to the previous chapters. 

Summary: Courtney continues to party her pain away, and Bianca learns some unsettling news. 

Thank you so much to betas @jillybean2314 @kitschypixel and guardian angel @missdandee

TW: Emotional abuse, heavy drinking, general misery

***

“Guurl, I have never seen you this turnt on a Wednesday!” Shea laughs, leaning on the bar. “What gives?”

“Nothing in particular,” Courtney declares, slinging an arm around her and biting her on the shoulder, producing a delighted little yelp.

She’d convinced the girls to come to Roosterfish and has lost track of how many drinks she’s had. Her knees are pleasantly sore from an earlier hookup in the alley, and all she wants at the moment is more. More booze, more dancing, more rubbing against the nearest warm body.

“Pearlie! Hurry up!” she says, happy that her friend is working the bar tonight.  

“Coming, coming,” Pearl says. She sets up another row of shot glasses.

“You joining us?” Courtney asks with a wink.

Pearl shrugs. “Why the fuck not?”

*

“What the hell is going on with Courtney?” Sasha grips Adore’s upper arm tightly, gesturing to where their friend is slamming shots with Shea and Pearl - not her typical midweek activity.

“Uhhhh…” Adore isn’t sure what Sasha knows, or if it’s her place to say anything. If Courtney wants flirt with the DJ and hook up with strangers and get blackout drunk, isn’t that her right?

“Adore!” Sasha’s vice grip tightens, and Adore squeals.

“Jesus Christ, let go! You know I bruise like a peach.” Adore wriggles free.

“Okay, sorry. I’m just...concerned. She seems a bit manic. Doesn’t she?”

“Maybe a bit.”

“And I figured you’d know something since you spend every day with her.”

Adore clears her throat and gives Sasha a benign smile.

“I know nothing.”

Sasha looks at Adore for a long moment before nodding.

“Okay. Just...keep an eye on her, will you?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

Sasha laughs, poking Adore in the side and leading her back to the group. Upon seeing them, Courtney squeals excitedly and drags them both to the dance floor.

***

Bianca whimpers, squeezing her eyes tightly closed. It’s been three nights in a row of restless, fitful sleep, and she feels like she’s been hit by a truck. Her whole body is achy and exhausted.

As the alarm blares, she tries to summon the strength to lift her arm and turn it off. The dogs are going crazy from the high pitched, annoying sound.

“Ugh, make it stop!” Jared whines, covering his head with a pillow.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Bianca says, rolling over to turn it off. She accidentally knocks her phone off the table and the noise continues, making Sammy and Dede even more hysterical.

Jared groans dramatically.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Bianca repeats. She reaches down and picks up the phone, shutting off the alarm.

“I don’t see why I have to suffer just because you chose a job with shitty hours,” Jared grumbles.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Bianca says again. “I’m really...I’m sorry.” She leans back against the pillow, wishing she could burrow under the covers and sleep for about 40 more hours. She jumps slightly as Jared slides an arm around her waist.

“I’m sorry too. Let’s do something fun this weekend. Hit the reset button. Hmm?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Bianca says, pulling away slightly.

Jared’s steely eyes narrow and he scoffs.

“Forget it.”

“Jared-”

“No, I don’t know why I even try with you. It’s like you’re just determined to be miserable, no matter what I do, what I say-”

“Jared…” Bianca is so tired. She doesn’t have the energy to fight him, or to have a long drawn out discussion. And she knows that she needs to get in the shower right away if she wants to make it on time. “I’m sorry-”

“So you said.” Jared cuts her off. He lies back down, annoyed. “Just go to work.”  

Bianca rises from the bed with an unsettled feeling in her stomach.

***

“Babe...if you’re really worried, just go talk to her,” Shea says, handing Sasha a new drink and kissing her on the cheek.

“I don’t want to push. She’s just letting off steam,” Sasha says, but the concerned little crease in between her eyebrows tells another story.

Shea turns around to follow her eyes. Seeing Courtney hammered and making out with a hot girl is not a new sight. Especially recently, when it seems like they get texts begging them to come out a one club or another nearly every night. But today, she seems particularly out of it, practically falling over on the dance floor.

“Who’s the girl?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm…”

“What?” Sasha turns to her girlfriend. “What are you thinking?”

“No, it’s just...I mean, doesn’t she usually fuck with repeat customers? It’s been a lot of strangers recently, hasn’t it?” Shea speaks carefully; she doesn’t want to stress Sasha out even more.

“Yeah.” Sasha sighs. She takes a sip of her drink, then sits up straighter when she sees the dark haired girl start to pull Courtney from the dance floor, Courtney stumbling after her.

“We goin’ in?” Shea asks.

Sasha nods, striding over to them purposefully, confident that Shea has her back.

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah?” the brunette turns, holding onto Courtney’s hand.

“I think my friend is a little...Courtney?” Sasha turns her face.

“Hmmmm?” Courtney’s head lolls to the side, blinking at Sasha with bleary eyes. “Sashaaaa...hi baby.”

“She’s fine.”

“She’s not fine, she can barely stand!” Sasha exclaims.

“Back the fuck off, bitch,” the brunette says, stepping up to Sasha challengingly.

“Watch your fucking mouth,” Shea cuts in, calling her bluff, the girl immediately holding up her hands in surrender.

Sasha takes the opportunity to scoop Courtney from her arms, pull her close, keep her steady.

“Say goodnight, Courtney.”

“Goodniiiight Courtney…” she simpers, giggling and waving as Sasha and Shea guide her towards the exit.

***

“Feeling better?” Sasha asks, once Courtney is halfway through her plate of French fries.

“Mmmhmmm…” Courtney nods her head, which is currently laying on Shea’s shoulder.

“Drink some more water.”

“Yes, mum,” Courtney sasses, leaning to catch the straw in her mouth, too tired to lift the glass.

Sasha watches her for a few moments, waiting for her to shove a few more fries in her mouth before venturing, “So...what’s going on with you?”

“Whaddaya mean?”

“Well, you’re not normally a binge drinker. And lately…”

Courtney shrugs, hesitating before saying, “Maybe I’m getting in touch with my inner alcoholic.”

“Courtney…”

Courtney groans.

“I don’t know, I’m just...I just want to have fun. Is that a crime?”

“Of course not. But getting blackout drunk and getting carried off the dance floor by a stranger isn’t really your style.”

“Were you jealous?” Courtney teases, a fry dangling from her mouth like a cigarette.

“Super jealous.” Sasha rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, I know. ‘Cause you want to fuck me, huh?” Courtney continues to deflect Sasha’s questions by leering at her across the table.

“She does?” Shea asks, turning to Courtney with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Courtney sighs, leaning back on the leather booth. “You both do. Everyone does.”

Sasha lets out a little scoff, looking at her. “Is that so? Must be nice...”

Courtney doesn’t respond, eyes falling closed, and for a second, Sasha thinks that she might have passed out, until she mumbles, “Sometimes…”

“Hey…” Sasha reaches across the table to take her hand. “Do you really think that’s why we’re here with you?”

Courtney doesn’t reply, simply shrugs, eyes vacant.

“So...ten years of friendship? Just to get into your pants? That’s a lot of effort, don’t you think?”

Courtney sniffles.

“Well, it’s all anyone ever wants from me, Sasha, so why-” Courtney’s voice breaks, and Shea silently slips an arm around her, beckoning Sasha over with her head.

Sasha quickly slides into their side of the booth, wrapping her arms around Courtney and rocking her.

“Baby, what happened? Please talk to us…”

“I’m so stupid,” Courtney cries, face buried in Sasha’s neck.

“No, you’re not. Not even a little bit.”

“Yes, I am. I’m-” a strangled sob escapes her, cutting her off.

“This is about Bianca, isn’t it?” says Sasha softly.

“I know she’s with him. I know that. But I just thought...I thought she cared about me…”

Sasha continues to hold Courtney closely, letting her cry. Shea, as if reading her mind, summons Lyft and handles the bill. She accepts Sasha’s grateful look and returns a small smile, opening the door for them and helping Courtney into the car.

SHEA: Yo, your girl is in a bad way tonight. That straight bitch has done quite a number on her.

ADORE: Shit!

SHEA: Yeah

ADORE: Take care of her, please?

SHEA: We will <3

***

After Courtney breaks down, it’s like a river of emotion spilling out. She no longer cares, no longer feels the need to hold back.

“I’m trying to be angry, I know I should be angry, but I just...I don’t understand…What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you, baby love,” Sasha says, nuzzling her shoulder.

Shea strokes her hair and kisses away her tears.

“See, Shea loves you. And she hates everyone…”

Courtney laughs in spite of herself.

“And I love you,” Sasha continues. “Not because I want to fuck you. But because you are kind and fun and smart, and anyone would be lucky to be with you.”

“I don’t want anyone-”

Courtney’s breath hitches again, and she doesn’t fight it, allowing herself to fall apart. More importantly, she allows Shea and Sasha to put her back together, reassuring her that she’s so very loved, and always will be.

It’s exactly what she needs. Warmth, compassion, safety. Eventually the  tears stop, and then all that’s left is a cocoon of loving arms surrounding her, peppering her with gentle kisses, holding her until she falls asleep.

It’s the first time in weeks that Courtney’s slept soundly, cuddled between them.

In the morning, she wakes up to the relief of feeling safe for the first time in ages. As soon as she moves, of course, she’s hit with a reminder of the previous night’s drinking: dull, throbbing pain in the back of her head.

She groans, head resting on Sasha’s shoulder, and croaks out a good morning. Shea slides out of bed and returns quickly, handing Courtney a bottle.

“Drink this, babe, you’ll feel better.”

“What is that?” Courtney gives the most disdainful look she can mange, sighing.  

“It’s Gatorade,” Shea explains. “You need electrolytes.”

“Why is it blue?”

“Bitch-”

Sasha laughs, cutting in with, “Just drink it, your highness.”

Courtney makes a face, but does as instructed, then flops back against the pillows, sighing.

Sasha runs her fingers through Courtney’s hair, her touch just as gentle as the night before.

“How are you feeling, anyway?”

“Um…” Courtney pauses. She’s actually feeling pretty okay. “I feel...better. I think. Like…much better.”

Shea smiles, taking her hand.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Thank you.” Courtney looks up at her, giving a faint smile in return, and then shifts her gaze to Sasha. “You guys really are the best.”

“Well, we really love you,” Sasha says, pressing a kiss to her temple. “So you’re kind of stuck with us.”

“Hmmm...bummer.” Courtney closes her eyes and snuggles in closer.

“What do you say we chill here for a bit longer, and then go eat some extravagant cheat day brunch?” Shea suggests.

“Sasha, your girlfriend is a genius.”

“I know, she really is!”

***

It can’t be true.

Bianca’s having an out of body experience. The shaking hand that holds the test, the little blue plus sign that she’s dreamed of for two years...none of it feels real.

This should be the happiest moment of her life. She should be thrilled, not dizzy. Not lost and terrified.

She should be sobbing with tears of joy. Instead, all she feels is rising nausea, which she tries to ignore at first, but soon can’t deny.

Bianca throws the toilet seat up, losing her entire breakfast, and probably last night’s dinner, and what feels like everything she ate for the last week. When she’s finally done, she leans her head against the bowl, sniffling. She wipes her watery eyes with the heel of her hand.

What is wrong with her?

Why can’t she be happy?

And why does she still feel sick to her stomach?

***

It’s been bugging Adore for weeks, this bullshit with Courtney and Bianca. She’s been getting increasingly angry as time goes on, but she also feels weird about it -- wanting to say something, but knowing that it’s not her place. She doesn’t know if Courtney would even want her to.

Of course, their whole stupid dynamic had been a thing from the day they’d met, and of course, Adore was Courtney’s friend first and foremost. But she’d been hanging out with Bianca for over a year, too. So why shouldn’t she be allowed to speak her mind? She’s been hesitating--not because she has nothing to say, but for fear of upsetting the delicate ecosystem of their relationship even more.

Then randomly, she spots Bianca alone at Base Camp, carrying an armful of garment backs towards the wardrobe trailer. She watches her for a few moments, hesitating like she’s been doing for weeks, chewing on her lower lip. Finally, she decides to throw caution to the wind and approaches her, knowing full well that she’s about to get her head bitten off.

“Listen. I know I’m overstepping here and probably shouldn’t say anything-”

“So don’t,” Bianca spits, picking up her speed.

Adore hurries after her, unbothered. “She’s a good person. And I know you know that.”

Bianca opens the door to the wardrobe trailer, Adore still on her heels. “Yeah, and? What’s your point, Adore?”

“My point is, if your goal was to make her feel like shit...mission accomplished. Great work.”

Bianca hangs the garment bags on the rack and pauses, back to the door, shoulders tense.

“But I suppose you don’t care about that, now that you got what you wanted out of her, huh?” Adore challenges, a lump in her throat, unsure why she’s getting so emotional.

Bianca seems to jump, then turns slightly, eyes cloudy and cold. “Is that all?”

“What is wrong with you?!” Adore can’t help herself, can’t help the anger from bubbling over. She feels like she could punch a hole through the wall. “Honestly! What?”

“How long have you got?” Bianca retorts drily.

In spite of her growing rage, Adore finds herself disarmed by this response, letting out an incredulous laugh. She looks closer at Bianca’s face, tired and drawn, eyes devoid of light. Even her careful eye makeup can’t completely cover the puffiness that tells Adore she’s been crying recently. And the thought of Bianca crying makes Adore feel wildly uncomfortable for reasons she can’t explain.

“God fucking dammit.” Adore heaves a sigh and sits down in a stool. “Why can’t I hate you?!”

“I don’t know. You should.” Bianca looks down, and Adore can’t help but feel for her. What a fucking mess she is. It’s both pathetic and extremely relatable.

“I know. But I don’t. So...now what?”

Bianca shakes her head, swallowing down a lump in her throat.

“So...is she-” Bianca’s breath hitches and she bites her lip. She is not going to cry. Not here, not in front of Adore Delano.

Adore can tell that she’s working overtime to hold it together. She looks like she’s teetering on the edge.

“She’s been better. But honestly, she’s got us. So...she’ll be fine.”

Bianca nods, and Adore chews her lip, still watching her carefully. On the surface, she looks almost as put together as ever. But there’s definitely something different about her. Almost like a marionette with one of the strings cut. She’s still hanging on, but something is broken.

“But you...you’re not fine. Are you?” Adore asks.

Bianca opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. She looks away for a second, then back at Adore, unable to summon the energy to lie, to make the kind of clever crack that she normally does. So she just blinks, hating the pity that she can see in Adore’s eyes.

“Listen, I know you think I’m a dumbass and you probably don’t want my advice but...you need to figure out what you want. Life is short.”

Bianca takes breath and suddenly, she’s herself again, eyes narrowed, a smirk on her face. The momentary flash of sadness, of vulnerability, has dissolved. Adore almost wonders if she imagined it.

“Thanks, Delano. I’ll be sure to needlepoint that on a pillow,” she jokes.

“Sounds bueno.” Adore nods, realizing that Real Talk is apparently over for the day. Well. She tried. So she shakes her head and heads for the door, calling over her shoulder, “Later.”

[richiefuckfacetozier]

Chapter 8: With Or Without You

Story: It’s Not My Fault

Title - With Or Without You by U2

Also on Archive of Our Own

For other chapters - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |

Eddie did something really horrible. As in catastrophically terrible. He should be kicked out of the Losers Club and be forced to live a hermit life. The only problem was…he had no idea what he did. 

Upon reflection, finishing off random alcoholic drinks was certainly not his finest moment. Considering those drinks brought him to a state of being blackout drunk. He could remember the Vermont guy calling him a 13-year-old and a switch in his mind got flipped. An aggressive switch he kept at bay when he could but may be slammed on high at any time. 

He knew he danced with all the losers at some point. Made Bill give him a piggyback ride and then told Mike to catch him as he ran full speed into his arms. Mike poured his drink all over that girl he was flirting with, which probably ruined his night a bit. He remembered straddling and making out with Richie on a couch in public. Eddie shuddered at this memory because it was the most embarrassing thing he has ever done. It was also amazing, but mostly cringey.

The only reason he knew he did something bad, was because Richie would not look at him. 

Which was very disconcerting because Richie prided himself on staring at Eddie whenever he wanted too. Half the time, Eddie had to tell him to stop because it made him want to hit him or make out with him. Richie is the most distracting person in his life for a reason. 

Eddie had a feeling something was off when Richie did not wake him up in a cute way Sunday morning after the party. He had already packed all his bags and spent the morning smoking cigarettes outside. Eddie was annoyed because Richie had cut back on cigarettes considerably since they started seeing each other. It was really weird. 

He got a little anxious as Richie responded to anything he said with ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘hmmm’. He was doing it to everyone, so Eddie thought maybe he was hungover. Eddie was certainly tired and his head was pounding even with the aspirin. 

He was really worried when he finally asked Richie if he was ok and he responded with, “I am fine, Eddie.” His stomach clenched because there was no nickname, no candy pet name, just ‘Eddie’. 

He knew he must have fucked up when Richie spent the entire ride home with his headphones on sleeping in the way back. Ben was really confused when Richie sat in his seat. They all were confused. 

He almost had a full-on anxiety attack when Richie was dropped off. He grabbed all his stuff then came over to Eddie’s window. He went to give a goodbye kiss and Richie dodged his mouth, kissing Eddie’s cheek. He watched Richie’s retreating back as he opened the door to his house and disappeared behind it. His breathing becoming panicked as he whipped his head toward Bill. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!” Eddie screeched trying to get his breathing under control but there was a tightening in his chest that would not ease. 

Bill flinched at Eddie’s high pitched yell and shushed him. It was just Stanley, Bill, and him. Eddie had a feeling Bill did this on purpose. As Eddie’s best and oldest friends, they were very attuned to what he needed and right now he needed someone to help him figure out what happened. Stanley moved to the middle seat so he could rub Eddie’s back soothingly and keep his panic attack down. 

“W-well, you got drunk,” Bill said slowly as he started the car to take Eddie home. 

“Yes, Bill. I think he figured out that much.” Stanley said frustratedly. 

Bill’s face turned a little red in embarrassment, “Suh-suh-sorry, I was really drunk so I am useless here.” 

“How did he seem when I came home though?” Eddie pressed on. 

“He was scared,” Stanley said steadily. “He was definitely blaming himself for not watching you or realizing how upset you were.” 

Eddie crossed his arms staring straight ahead, “I wasn’t that upset.” 

“Yes, you were.” Stanley and Bill said in unison. 

Eddie paused and glared at each of them. He was probably the second most stubborn of their friends, Stanley taking first place. He hated admitting when anything upset him because people think he is weak already, thanks to his mother. 

“Alright,” Eddie gritted through his teeth. “I was upset and got wasted in retaliation.” 

“That wasn’t so hard.” He could hear Stanley’s smug voice without even looking at him. 

“Fuck you.” Eddie snapped. “We have to figure out why he is upset with me.” 

“Eddie,” Bill said patiently. “Do you think all your drinking may have reminded him of…” 

“His mom.” Eddie finished sadly. The three of them let that sink in for a moment. It made Eddie’s stomach churn horribly. “Maybe…we have just been getting better at communicating lately, I assumed he would tell me.” 

“Richie is about as good at communicating his feelings as a wet sponge,” Stanley argued. 

Bill grinned and turned to look at Stanley, “I’m telling him you said that.” 

Stanley laughed, “Do it. He’ll get a better understanding of himself.” 

“Should I wait to talk at school tomorrow? Or go to his place tonight?” Eddie cut in. 

“Wait for school tomorrow,” Bill said immediately. His car pulled into Eddie’s driveway and he parked the car. “He juh-just needs space.” 

“He was probably tired on top of being moody. Richie only has two modes: Completely obsessively invested or avoids the situation entirely. There is no in-between.” Stanley said knowingly. 

“You’re right.” Eddie stayed a little longer in the car. He was playing with the edge of his shirt ringing it in a slow rhythm. 

Bill placed his hands over Eddie’s. “It will be fine. Talk to him tomorrow.” 

“And if it’s not fine, we will get you through that too,” Stanley added matter of factly. 

“Not helping Stan,” Eddie grumbled. He got out of the car and the three of them grabbed all his stuff to take inside. 

Eddie opened his front door and saw his mother in the living room, “Hi Ma!” He greeted her in his usual fake cheeriness. 

“EDDIE BEAR!!!!” She said gleefully. Eddie smiled, secretly loving how much his mom seemed to miss him. Stanley and Bill said a quick hello, left Eddie’s stuff by the front and closed the door behind them. He went over to his mother’s chair and kissed her cheek lightly. 

“How was this weekend, Ma?” Eddie asked. He took a seat on the couch ready to politely oblige her. 

“I missed you so much. This weekend was hard without you. But…” His mom looked at her son steadily. “I did it, Eddie. I got through it.” 

Eddie’s face broke out into a genuine smile, “I am so proud of you, mom. Did you do anything fun or have anyone come over?” 

“I did actually! A friend from when we used to go to church…” Eddie listened and smiled as his mom talked about her weekend. She eventually asked him about how his was and he told her it was a really special experience. He expressed his appreciation that she let him go and how kind it was to let him use his Dad’s old skis. She teared up at that nodding kindly. They spent the night enjoying each other’s company for the first time in a really long time. 

“Where is he?!” Eddie asked checking his watch obsessively. They were all waiting by their usual spot outside of the school and Richie had not shown yet. 

“Eddie, don’t worry. Maybe he went to class already?” Mike suggested. 

“Or maybe he is avoiding me,” Eddie said in such a dejected voice that Ben put his arm around his shoulders. 

“It will be alright, Eddie.” Ben said kindly rubbing his arm comfortingly. 

“What if he wants to break up with me?” Eddie could hear his voice get small and scared. “I must have been really bad on Saturday.” 

They all looked at him with so much sympathy his heart hurt. 

Beverly spoke up, “I really don’t think it was that bad. I don’t know why he is being weird.” 

“Can you find out please?!” Eddie said pleadingly. 

“You are seeing him first in homeroom,” Beverly reminded him. “But I will, of course, talk to him. Breathe Eddie!” 

Eddie did not realize his breathing was coming in shallow and panicked. He was so anxious about Richie that his stomach hurt. He was desperately trying to keep his breakfast down. 

“You’re right…you’re right. I’m sorry.” Eddie took deep breathes. Mike walked over and took Ben’s place slinging his arm around Eddie’s small frame. 

“Let’s go to homeroom,” Mike said kindly. When they got to homeroom, Richie was sitting in his seat reading. 

“Richie…” Eddie sighed in relief. Richie looked up smiled hesitantly then went back to reading. That relief quickly turned to anger. He lowered his voice and poked Richie’s side, “What the fuck.” 

“What?” Richie jerked at being poked but kept his eyes down. 

“Why are you acting weird?!” Eddie asked annoyed. 

“Let’s talk later.” Richie said shortly. 

Eddie kept glaring at Richie every chance he got during class. Mike ended up throwing a paper ball at the back of his head to get him to stop. He threw it in a rage, without thinking, back at Mike and the teacher caught him. “Detention Mr. Kaspbrak! Report there after school!” Their teacher yelled. 

“Shit…” Eddie whispered under his breath. “Mom’s going to fucking kill me.” 

“Tell her it was my fault.” Richie whispered. 

Eddie frowned at him, “You want her to hate you?” Richie shrugged nonchalantly. 

This made Eddie so angry he could not speak. His face was on fire with embarrassment and rage. The rest of class went by with Eddie slowly but surely losing his mind. He could feel Richie distancing himself which freaked Eddie out.

They had their second class together and Eddie could not even focus. He decided to try grilling Richie on his behavior. 

“What is your fucking problem?” Eddie hissed. 

“It’s not a big deal, Eddie. Chill.” Richie tried to say evenly but his voice gave away the lie. 

“You are lying. Why are you lying to me? I thought we weren’t doing that bullsiht.” Eddie said barely containing his emotions. 

“Later!” Richie insisted. 

“No, Richie! Now!” Eddie banged his hand on the desk. Some of his classmates looked at him but he ignored them. Richie shook his head, “Always such a spitfire.” 

“Can you just fucking tell me what is going on?!” 

“Eds…I will later. Please stop.” Richie’s eyes were starting to shine and his hands were clenched. 

Eddie knew he should let it go for now, but could not get himself to do it. “Why can’t you just tell me? You are being such an ass right now.” 

“Eddie, just FUCKING STOP!” Richie’s voice rose and the whole class went silent looking at him. The teacher glared at him indignantly, “Detention after school, Mr. Tozier.” 

“Fuck,” Richie sighed putting his face in his hands. They did not talk for the rest of the day. Even at lunch, they would not talk or look at each other. Eddie was so angry he could barely form sentences and Richie just looked depressed. Their friends tried to act normal talking about the weekend. 

“But oh my god, Bill was such a fucking HERO on Saturday night!” Beverly said proudly. Bill turned a little pink letting her tell the story. “I was dancing with the guy from Vermont, Kyler, and he was absolutely getting handsy. I probably would have walked away soon, even if Richie had not yelled at me to find Stanley.” 

“I cannot believe he was such an ass to you.” Mike shook his head disapprovingly. 

“I can.” Ben grumbled. 

Beverly put her hand over Ben’s, “I’m ok, really.” Ben smiled at her sweetly. “Anyway, I tried to get away from him to find Stanley and he snatched my wrist saying shit like ‘Come on baby stay with me’. I stomped on his foot but he grabbed my waist pulling me into him. It was horrible. Then Bill comes FLYING out of nowhere and lands a punch to the guys face. I was in complete shock. He was literally knocked out cold.” 

“Good thing too. It made the fight end sooner.” Mike said appreciatively. “It was amazing.” 

“It was not amazing for those who had to pry him off the guy,” Stanley mumbled. 

Eddie let their voices wash over him stuck in his thoughts about everything that happened on Saturday night. He must have said something when he was blackout. He wished he could remember. 

At some point, Richie asked Beverly if she wanted to go for a smoke. Her eyes flickered to Eddie’s then she followed him out of the cafeteria. Eddie left for class shortly after them because he could not stand the rest of the guys staring at him. 

Richie and Eddie did not talk until detention. The teacher watching them for roughly 20 minutes before making an excuse to leave the classroom. He locked them in not specifying when he would be back. 

Eddie took the opportunity to properly talk with Richie, “We need to talk.” He said seriously from the desk he was sitting at. 

“Ok…what do you want to talk about?” Richie asked casually putting his hands in his pockets and slouching in his seat. 

Eddie got up from the desk and went to hover in front of Richie. He put his hands on the desk staring down at him. He took a deep breath then let it out through his mouth making a wheezing noise, “I want to say I am sorry.” 

Richie was silent for a moment then a frown slowly formed on his face, “What are you sorry for?” 

“For…for getting drunk on Saturday.” Eddie said obviously. 

Richie shook his head a little, “I don’t care about that.” 

“You don’t? I was worried…because of everything you deal with your mom…” 

“Fucking hell, Eddie, I don’t care. I mean I do care. But you being drunk is cute and you are so affectionate.” Richie said in exasperation. Then added dismissively, “I was drunk too so it would be hypocritical to be mad about that.” 

“I’m not cute,” Eddie responded automatically. Richie rolled his eyes. Whenever they fought in such a real way, it seemed like they went to their base emotions. Richie keeping everything hidden just like he does with his family and Eddie being aggressively pushy. It terrified Eddie because it was reminiscent of his mother. “Ok, then tell me what happened on Saturday night?” 

“A lot.” Richie kept his gaze anywhere but toward Eddie. His cheeks tinted pink as if he was embarrassed. 

Eddie would not be tolerating any skirting around the situation. “I mean fucking obviously. Jesus Richie, talk to me.” 

Richie cleared his throat, “You really want to fucking know?” 

“I really FUCKING do.” Eddie said harshly. 

Finally, Richie met his eyes defiantly. “Well, you made out with me in public and it was sexy as hell.” 

“I’m not sexy.” Eddie blurted out immediately his face heating up. 

Richie’s mouth almost broke into a smile. “You said you were horny for me always.” He said proudly. “Using my own words against me like a monster.” 

Eddie gaped at him. This conversation was making his stomach turn horribly. He could not believe how stupid his drunk self-behaved. “This is so horrible.” 

Richie continued ignoring Eddie, “You straddled me and tried to put your hands down my pants.” 

Eddie felt himself turn fully red, gulping loudly, “Oh my god…I did?” 

“But I stopped it, knowing you would never do that sober,” Richie said sympathetically. 

Eddie’s eyes stung with unshed tears at the realization that Richie truly understood him like no one else. He was dating the perfect person for him. At least, he hoped they were still dating. “I’m sorry if I pressured you in any way. That was completely unacceptable of me.” 

“You were drunk.” 

“That’s not an excuse.” Eddie insisted. 

“Eddie, I wanted it. I always want more with us.” Richie said softly. Eddie’s eyes searched Richie’s with curiosity. They never had any kind of talk about going further in their relationship than kissing or some touching with shirts off. They had only been dating a couple months but had been best friends forever. Everything felt so much faster when you were with someone who knew you from the inside out. 

Eddie’s inexperience made him nervous beyond belief and he constantly worried this hindrance would make Richie bored. Except Richie never seemed bored, only desperate to be closer. Which is exactly how Eddie felt right now. While they were in Vermont, it was freeing to be a couple that kissed and held hands. Even just simply letting their eyes linger on each other without abandon. It made Eddie need, no, CRAVE Richie’s affection. Eddie had spent so much time suppressing these feelings, he convinced himself he did not need them. Right now, he wanted to touch, kiss Richie, and be as close with him as two people could be. 

“We’ll um…circle back to that. So what the hell did I do to make you internally freak out all day?” Eddie pushed. 

Richie looked conflicted then he stood up pacing for a little bit. Eddie watched him, waiting for an answer. Finally, Richie took a deep breath, “You said ‘I love you’.” 

Eddie’s whole being froze, “No…no way.” 

“It was slurred but you definitely did.” Richie insisted firmly. There was a seriousness in his voice that was completely unfamiliar. Then Eddie’s head started to throb. His breathing quickened as his heart thumped uncomfortably. He tapped his chest to stop the incoming panic attack. Richie waited patiently for him to calm down enough before continuing. 

Richie lowered his voice to almost a whisper, “And Eddie, I know I love you too.” 

The panic was coming in full. His eyes were prickling with tears as he took gasping breaths. Richie stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him. His warmth and strength seeming to pass right into Eddie’s very being. Eddie returned the hug taking shaky breathes with his head buried in Richie’s shirt. 

Richie spoke softly but clearly in his ear, “I have been freaking out since you said it because I can count on my hand the number of times my parents have told me they loved me. None of those times are within the last several years.” 

Eddie’s heartfelt cold thinking about the Toziers treatment of Richie. Someone willing to bring laughter and joy to whoever he met, even when it was entirely inappropriate, should only receive happiness. 

“And I have joked plenty of times about you being the love of my life but I used the humor to hide behind the truth.” Richie plunged forward without a care, “I am terrified. How can you possibly love me when I have never truly felt it and how can I love you when I don’t know what love is?” Eddie’s heart switched to warmth at his honesty. He could always count on Richie to be the most real thing in the world. 

Eddie pulled his face away not looking directly at Richie but still clinging to him. “Rich, you do know what love is. You’ve shown me love every moment of every day since we were kids.” Eddie let his eyes slowly meet Richie’s. 

Richie stared back skeptically, “You always hated it though, I just assumed I wasn’t doing it right.” 

Eddie tightened his arms around Richie as if he could lose him at any moment. “You show love exactly the way I need it.” 

They were silent as those words sunk in. Eddie wanted to kiss Richie more than he could say but knew it was not the right moment. 

Eddie took a shaky breath, “I want to say something romantic as fuck like that loving you comes as easy as breathing, but we both know I can’t breathe for shit.” Eddie said in exasperation. Richie looked at him, his eyes widened, then he laughed. 

“Oh, me confessing my love to you is funny?” Eddie pulled away crossing his arms. He was trying desperately to keep a straight face but could not stop a smile from forming. Richie was bent over in hysterical laughter grabbing his side. His laughter was like loud beautiful music to Eddie’s ears. He slowly calmed down wiping at the tears of mirth that had fallen. 

“You are truly the funniest person I know,” Richie said fondly. 

Eddie’s stomach did a backflip. He felt the need to touch him again, to make sure they were truly going to be alright. He went to reach for him but Richie caught his wrist. His eyes flicked to Richie’s and he could see his defenses completely fallen and be replaced with a panicked desperation. 

He didn’t know if he leaned into Richie first or if Richie pulled him closer. Most likely both, but they smashed together and Richie was kissing him. 

All of Eddie’s fears and insecurities faded into the background. There was just Richie’s familiar taste of candy and cigarettes. Eddie moaned, not being able to control himself because every part of his body was tingling with excitement. 

“Richie,” He murmured against his lips, not taking his mouth away for fear he would never get them back. Richie leaned into him kissing harder, his hands burying themselves in Eddie’s hair. 

Eddie found Richie’s hips letting his hands slide up under Richie’s shirt. Richie jerked with surprise, then relaxed. Eddie ran his fingers lightly over Richie’s sides giving them both goosebumps. Richie brought his own hands down Eddie’s arms, over his chest, his torso, finally finding Eddie’s belt loops and pulled him closer. The close contact made Eddie gasp and Richie deepened their kiss. 

Richie’s mouth left Eddie’s and Eddie felt the hot pressure of lips trailing down his chin, throat, and neck. Richie started to suck and lick leaving a mark at the base of his neck. Eddie sighed contentedly trying to will his legs not to give out. 

“Where did you learn to do this?” Eddie said breathlessly. Richie detached his lips from Eddie’s neck with a loud pop. He blew on the mark making Eddie shiver. 

Richie’s eyes met Eddie’s seriously, “Your mom taught me.” 

“Fuck yo-“ But Richie’s lips went back to Eddie’s effectively cutting him off. Eddie bit down on Richie’s lower lip making the taller boy gasp for once. Eddie ran his tongue along the bite. 

Richie’s hands moved from Eddie’s belt loops to his hips then slowly over his behind. Eddie broke into a grin then was giggling into Richie’s mouth. Richie pulled away smiling but completely confused. 

“Sorry Rich - “ Eddie kept giggling. “ - you putting your hands on my ass is just so weird.” 

“I grab your ass sometimes!” Richie said defensively as he added pressure to Eddie’s behind. 

“And it always makes me laugh!” Eddie chuckled breathlessly. 

“Beverly was right that I needed to just talk it out with you.” Richie confessed as Eddie kissed his cheek. 

Richie smiled goofily at Eddie, “I love you so much, Edward Kaspbrak.” 

Eddie made a face at being called by his whole name but brought his hand up to run through Richie’s hair. 

“I love you too, Richard Tozier.”

Mature Ending

[didiletyouknooow]

62. Long Progression

Hey, 

sorry for letting you wait so long but I had some busy weeks. BUT now I finished the new chapter and I really hope you will like it!!! Thank you for reading! I appreciate all the support and feedback from you :)

_____________

I was sitting at my sofa eating breakfast. Meanwhile I was checking “Flightradar24” to check out which flight Josh could take to get back to LA. How stupid. I mean, he told me that he would take an earlier flight today. Why did I even care? We said we stay in touch but what does it mean? Would he call or text me? Should I call or text him? I didn’t know “Vilma, like I already told you, don’t have sex with your ex. It makes everything just even more complicated” I said while taking on my jacket.

Megan was already in the office when I arrived at work. She seemed in a good mood. “Oh hello my dear co worker” she said. “Tell me, how was your blizzard weekend?” “Well” I said and sat down at my desk. “It was quite good” “Tell me! What happened after I left the bar?” she asked curious. Since our boss took a day off because of the blizzard we could talk. “We left the bar” I started. “And when I couldn’t get a cab, Josh brought me home” “How?” Megan was confused. “Well, we took the subway and then we had to take a long walk through the blizzard” “Oh well….this sounds horrible” she laughed. “But also a bit romantic” “But it was actually quite good” “Because you two were so wet and fucked up when you arrived at your apartment that you took off your clothes immediately and ended up in bed?” “Kind of” I grinned. “What the hell” she laughed. “I knew it! I knew it when I saw him that night….the way he looked at you. It told me everything!” “Yes….you were right” “How long did he stay?” “The whole weekend” “No way!” Megan was screaming. She looked even happier than me. “And what did you do? Please tell me you just spent the whole weekend in bed” “Hm…not really. First there was a blackout in my apartment….so we stayed in the dark” “Which can be very romantic and hot, too” “Can be….so and then we kind of behaved like a couple. We watched films, we cooked, he even took a walk with my dog” “Oh this sounds definitely like a couple” Megan was surprised. “I mean, but the rest of the time you stayed in bed, didn’t you?” “Hm…not really” I denied. “Okay…this is weird. I mean, spending the whole weekend together while there is a terrible blizzard outside destroying the city….my rubber box would be empty if there is a hot guy in my bed” “Megan!” I laughed. “Sex is not everything” “It’s not but its great” she grinned and started telling me how her weekend with her new guy Dereck was like. I bet her box was empty now.

“So and what’s next? When will you see each other again?” she asked me. “I don’t know….we didn’t talk about a date or so. I mean, he’s living in LA, I’m here in New York…” ”Oh come on, he has enough money to take a flight to New York! And didn’t you tell me he bought an apartment in Manhattan?” “Yes he did. But I think he has a lot of trouble going on at home….” ”Why? I thought he is single” “He is….but he’s also a single parent now” Megan almost disgorged her coffee when I told her these words. “No way….he’s what?” “Yes, you heard it right. In a way he’s a single father now” “In a way….what does that mean?” “Well, his ex left and he has to take care of her child now” “What the fuck…his ex left him alone with her child?” “He broke up with her before, but after three months she just disappeared and wrote him a letter where she asked him to take care of her daughter” “Wow. I’ve never heard a more selfish story….so he does take care of her child?” “Yes….he and her grandma. He bought a new house in LA where he wanted to move in with his ex and her daughter but since this didn’t happen, he gave the house to the grandma and the daughter. So she’s actually living with her grandma but when her grandma has to go back to Chino for a while, Josh is taking care of the daughter” “No way….this is the saddest but also cutest story I’ve ever heard. Imagining you have to take care of your ex’s daughter….wow, I couldn’t do that” “Well, he does….he’s a nice guy” “I know….I think he’s one of the nicest guys on earth” “Could be….” ”But he can be dirty too I hope” Megan laughed. “So are you calling him?” “I don’t know….” ”Eileen, do it! You want to see him again, don’t you?” I nodded. “See, then you have to take matters in your own hand. I mean, you’ve nothing to lose, right?” “Maybe….I will wait a few days and if he doesn’t call, I will call him” I told her. “Great!” Megan smiled.

The whole day I was checking this stupid app just to make sure that all flights from NYC to LA landed safety. How stupid was I? Why was I so afraid that something could happen to him? Oh well, I hoped it were only the hormones….

Later that day I was having a few drinks with Lara in a bar in Brooklyn. It was her last day in NYC. She would fly back to Berlin with the boys tomorrow. This also meant that Sebastian would leave the city either. Maybe I could get away without talking to him again. I felt so ashamed especially after this weekend with Josh.

“So….how was your weekend?” Lara asked me. “It was….goood” “Goood?” With three “O”? “Maybe” I grinned. It was an insider between Lara and me. Every time we said that something was very good we spelled it with three O. “Why?” she wanted to know. “Because….” I started but then I wasn’t sure if I should really tell her about the last days with Josh. I knew that she was always on Sebastian’s side so….maybe she would get mad? Anyway, she was still my best friend so why should I lie to her. So I told her.

“I can’t believe you did that” Lara said after a few minutes of silence between us.  Okay, I knew it would be awkward and that she wouldn’t react very happy but I didn’t expect her to be so mad. “You’re not better than him” Lara said. “You’re not better than your ex who slept with so many girls that I bet he can barely count them” “What? Lara….are you joking?” “No I’m not. I’m just being sarcastic because that’s the only way to handle this information” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “Eileen, honestly….first you sleep with Sebastian just because you’re drunk and he’s in town. And one week later you hook up with Josh again? Two exes in one week? That’s a proud achievement” “Why are you like that?” I asked her and wanted to proceed but she interrupted me. “The question is, why are YOU like that? When did you become so slutty?” “WHAT? Are you calling me a slut?” “Well, maybe….” she said without any emotions in her voice. “Wow, I can’t believe it. My best friend who is a feminist calls me slut just because I slept with my ex boyfriends? Don’t you remember when you had this phase and slept with your exes all the time?” “Yeah but I was quite younger” “So what? Just because I’m 35 I’m not allowed to have fun anymore?” “Eileen, this is not about fun….this is about emotions and feelings. Do you think it was just fun for Sebastian? It wasn’t. But since you didn’t talk to him after it happened, you couldn’t know it. So I advise you to talk to him before he will leave the city tomorrow” Our voices got louder and louder while we were having this discussion. Not only the waiter, even the guests were looking at us.

“Sebastian and I are just friends. We already talked about it during our road trip” “Oh really? That’s weird because when I talked to him last week he was so happy and told me that he still has hope that you two are getting back together. No matter if you’re living in New York and he’s living in Berlin. He was sure you’ll figure it out” “But….I told him that we’re just friends” “When? After the night you spent together? No….because you left in the morning without saying anything” “Because I had to go to work” “But you never called him or picked up his calls or even answered his texts. I don’t have to tell you that he is very disappointed by you” It hurt me to hear my best friend talking like that. But maybe she was right. Maybe I did a huge mistake with not talking to Sebastian after our night. “Honestly Eileen, this is so stupid. I’ve never seen someone doing such a stupid and immature thing in a long time. And I’m living in Berlin” “I know….I know it wasn’t right to ignore him” “Oh it wasn’t!” “I will talk to him….” ”Do it….” She said. “But what I don’t understand is….why did you hook up with Josh again? Why he?” “It just happened….” “I thought this chapter would be over” “I thought so too but….sometimes you can’t control you’re feelings, you know” “Oh yeah blablabla….and where is Josh now?” “Back in LA” 

Lara started laughing out loud. Again the waiter and guests looked at us. “Seriously Eileen, this is the dumbest story I’ve ever heard. First he scored with his ex and then he left for LA because it’s much warmer there and the girls are hotter” “What are you talking about? You know that Josh isn’t like that. He was here for making music and played a concert with the Dots and he had to go home because he had to fix some things….” “Oh yeah? Do I know? Do you know? Can you prove it?” she asked me and took her phone. “Look….do you still think that Josh had to fix some things?” I was looking at her phone. It showed Josh and his ex Chloe on the streets of Manhattan. “Do you still think that he was just here for work? And do you still think he had to fly back home to fix something? Maybe he had to fly back home to make another girl happy” “Why are you telling me all this? Why are you showing me these stupid pictures of the tabloids? I bet they were only published because Chloe called the press” “Eileen, how stupid are you? You were the one who once told me that Josh had a lot of girls after your break up. Okay, then he found this girl Helen and seemed happy. But now that she left him, he seems to have fun again.” “You don’t even know what really happened between Helen and him” “And I don’t care. Because I don’t want to care about this guy anymore and so should you. Stop caring. You’re just one of his flings he had. From girlfriend to affair. Wow, great improvement. Not” “You don’t even know Josh that well and you don’t even know why he was pictured with Chloe! Maybe he only met her accidentally on the streets” “Yes of course” Lara laughed sarcastically. “Do you really think it was accidentally and the press wasn’t informed because Chloe didn’t call them before meeting him? Eileen, stop being so stupid when it comes to this guy. He might be a nice guy on the outside but deep down he’s an asshole like all the rock starts out there” “Oh yeah and what about Felix? He’s a rock star too. Why are you so sure that he’s faithful to you? He could hook up with a lot of fans on tour and you wouldn’t even know it!” I suddenly said. “I dare you to talk to me like that again” Lara screamed and suddenly left the bar. 

Wow. I never thought I would experience a situation like that. I never thought I would have a fight like that with my best friend. I told her to stop leaving but she didn’t.

There I was. All by myself in a crowded bar with all eyes on me now. Oh hello, I’m the creepy girl whose friend just left her at the bar alone because of a fight. You can now stop caring. It’s nothing special. Just two girls fighting in New York. When the waiter came and asked if everything was okay and if I wanted to have another drink I denied and paid the bill so I could also leave the bar.

Back home I sat down on my sofa. Vilma joined me. I guess she noticed that I was sad. Suddenly I started crying. I cried so long. Why was everything so heavy? Why was growing up so heavy? Why was dating so complicated? Of course I didn’t want to hurt Sebastian but I didn’t know that he was still hoping for a happy end. I mean, I was living in New York and he would go back to Berlin. How should we do this? However. Before I went to bed I promised myself to call Sebastian tomorrow so we could have a talk.

And he answered.

We met in their airbnb. The others were out for lunch so we were on our own.

“Thanks for responding” I said. “Sure” “Look, I don’t want to beat around the bush….” I sighed. “Talk” Sebastian said. “I’m sorry that I didn’t answer but….I thought it was clear that it was just fun. It happened. We were both drunk and that’s it. I don’t see any future for us” I saw that Sebastian was a bit shocked when I told him the ugly truth. “Okay…” “You’re a great man, you were a great boyfriend and I truly loved you. But ,y feelings just went away....I realized that I don’t love you anymore….I moved to New York to start all over again” “And that’s why you hooked up with your exes?” he suddenly asked. What? “How do you know?” Sebastian looked at me. “Did Lara tell you?” He nodded. “Oh I can’t believe it….” I was really disappointed by my friend. “I asked her how your meeting was like and then she told me why you two had a big discussion” “Well, it wasn’t only because of that” I told him. “She said some very ugly words about Josh” “Eileen. Please. I don’t want to talk about Josh. I don’t want to hear his name again. I finally know that you’re not in love with me anymore. But I am. I still love you and I think we could have figured it out….who cares if there’s an ocean between Europe and America? I don’t. But….now that I heard your words….I get it. You’re still in love with Josh and I will accept it” “Well, I’m not in love with him” “Whatever….he was always on your mind” “He wasn’t always on my mind” “But at least after we met him in New  York last February” Sebastian said. It shocked me to hear that even my ex noticed it. “Maybe….maybe you’re right” “I know that he isn’t the reason why you broke up with me but he is part of the reason” “Maybe….” ”And now that I know that you and him met again and spent the whole weekend together….I think now I should finally realize that he was still your number one” “I don’t have a number one” “Believe me Eileen, you have” Sebastian said and he even smiled for a short moment. “Whatever….I don’t want to fight anymore. I’ll have to leave in a few minutes” “I wish we could still stay friends” I suddenly said and noticed tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t stop it. It just happened. The whole situation made me so sad and confused. “We can….but I need time….I will call you, okay?” “Hm…okay” “I mean, there is at least a lot of space between us when I’m back in Berlin” he joked. That’s why I fell in love with this man, I suddenly thought. He was so funny and smart. “So….I think this is goodbye” Sebastian said and hugged me. We squeezed for a few minutes until the others came back to grab their bags to get to the airport. Thankfully Lara wasn’t with them. Felix and Lara already were at the airport I was told. “Goodbye and please, greet Berlin from me” “I will do that” Sebastian smiled. “Thank you” I said. “For what?” “For just being who you are. These three years we shared together were the best three years of my life” Sebastian smiled and kissed my bow before taking his bags. I went downstairs with the group until they got into the cab. “Good luck in New York” Sebastian said and got into the car. “Have a good flight!” I said and waved them.

Back home I was checking Flightradar24 every few minutes just to see that their plane was still in the air.

  It was Friday night and I was all by myself (okay Vilma was with me) in my apartment watching romantic comedies and drinking wine. Actually I loved Friday nights like this but today it felt terrible. The week was a nightmare both at work and in my personal life. After this wonderful weekend with Josh everything just fell to pieces. He didn’t call, I didn’t know if I should call him, I had a big fight with my best friend because of my other ex with whom I finally broke up again – although we weren’t really dating at all. Seriously, I could be my own main character in my own romantic comedy nightmare!

But instead I was just lying on my couch watching “Pretty Woman” for the twentieth time or so. Seriously, Julia Roberts was such a hot woman….well she still is! And Richard Gere….mhm, hot too. Maybe I should do the same. Dating a rich guy, falling in love and….oh. Speaking of this. Josh wasn’t that poor, right? I mean, I never really cared about how much money he had. He is still acting like a normal dude. Okay, maybe he sometimes buys quite expensive shoes or jackets but he only does it once or twice a year. He spends most of his money into music instruments. That’s where all the money is going. Nothing more. Sure, we lived a good life, even if I wouldn’t have had a job we wouldn’t have been poor. Sometimes he invited me to a restaurant or paid our whole vacation trip but that’s it.

I never was interesting in dating rich men. I was taught that money isn’t everything and I will teach my children the same. Because it’s the truth. What is all your money worth if you don’t have a family or friends or if you’re sick? Nothing.

When Julia Roberts and Richard Gere finally got together at the end of the movie, I turned off the TV. I was looking at Vilma. She was lying on top of me, totally asleep. I thought about the fact that Vilma would never really fall in love because she would only live with me and not with other dogs – except if I would buy another dog – how sad was that? She would never experience love and even if she will meet a dog that she likes some day, she couldn’t live with him because I am the person who makes the decisions for her life. How sad was that? Okay, on the other hand she didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t have to go to work, pay the bills, she only had to eat and take some walks with her mistress.

I thought about the past week while Vilma was still sleeping. This week was the worst week of my life. Directly after one of the best weekends of my life. After this discussion with Lara and my talk with Sebastian I had some rough days at work. My boss finally convinced me to publish the article. But not now. He wanted to change some things and wrote a side story to it so he could publish it in January. I still didn’t know what everyone was seeing in this text. It was just a text.

Suddenly Vilma was awake and I decided to go to bed. Because I felt so alone I let her sleep next to me – which I never allowed her to do but tonight I needed someone by my side. But before that I checked my emails again – why did I even do that at 2am? When I opened my email account I couldn’t believe it. There it was. There was the email I was waiting for in the last months. The email was from the UCLA. Although I only worked there a couple of months before going to Berlin for three years I was still their PhD student. But after submitting my dissertation in Berlin I didn’t hear from them in a long time. I even defended my dissertation back in Berlin but….the UCLA let me know that there was a problem and they had to check if my PhD would be accepted here in the USA since I did it in Germany. I know, badly bureaucratic shit. I didn’t talk to anyone about it because I didn’t want to. I was so done with it when I handed this paper in. I just didn’t want to talk about college, university, degrees, classes and books anymore. I hated everything about it and during my journey I realized that teaching and working at university wasn’t what I wanted to do for a living. I wanted to write. I figured it out while writing for my travel blog. So I didn’t care about my PhD anymore. Stupid, hm? I even moved to Berlin to do my PhD and now I didn’t even care about the result. But then, after nine months I finally got a fucking email at 2am in the morning that told me

“Congratulations on your PhD Ms. Puritz! We finally checked everything and it is fully accepted in the United  States, so you are permitted to teach at university.”

Wow. Almost three years of hard work and in the end you only get a fucking email in the middle of the night that is informing you about your grade. Thank you very much. Now I was finally done with school in my life. But I think at the age of 35 it was totally okay. Wow, I was so sarcastic tonight.

“Vilma, can you believe that your mommy can call herself a “doctor” now? I mean, not a real doctor. I don’t know anything about medicine but….I’m a doctor of philosophy. Hello, may I introduce myself. Eileen Puritz, Doctor of Philosophy” I laughed and shook Vilmas paw. She didn’t seem very impressed.

On a scale from 0 to 10, how lonely and desperate was I?  

The next day was a typical Saturday. I did some grocery shopping, did a long walk with Vilma, made some thai curry and finally convinced myself to call Josh. Although I was afraid I did it. But he didn’t pick up the phone. I tried it again after a few minutes but he wasn’t available. So I gave up. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me. Or did he have a new number? I bet he would have told me if he would have a new number, right? I mean, he was the one who said “We’ll call each other”….

Later I invited Megan to have a few drinks until we would hit the party scene of New York City tonight. I was never really into partying but the funny thing was: since I moved to New York I was out in a club more often than I ever was in Berlin. “Wow, classic wine. Is there any reason you bought such an expensive wine?” Megan asked me while we were glamming up. “Um well, I just like the wine” I told her. “Come one Eileen, I already know you….there must be a reasons. Did you call Josh?” “Yes but he didn’t answer my calls” “Oh you really? Whatever, you should try it again. You have to do it!” “I know….I will do it” “You better do it!” “I will…but first” I said and opened the bottle of wine. “We have to celebrate” “Celebrate what?” Megan asked me. “Well, I have something to celebrate” “I knew it….tell me!” “I’m a doctor” I finally said. “What…how? I mean, what does it mean, you’re a doctor. Did you study medicine?” she joked. “No” I laughed. “But I did study history and in the last years I did my PhD and just yesterday I got the email that it will be accepted here in the US” “Wait…you did your PhD in Berlin?” I nodded. “And now you’re working for an online magazine in NYC?” “Yes” “Seriously Eileen? You could do so much better!” she said. “You could be a teacher or researcher. You could get paid much better! Does our boss know?” “Well he saw my CV so yes he kind of knows but….the truth is, I don’t like teaching. I did it for several years but I’m done with it. And I’m done with researching. Seriously, writing this fucking dissertation was a nightmare. I hated myself, I yelled at everyone, I was pissed of, I became a monster” “Sounds like me having my period” Megan joked. “Imaging having your period for three years” “Urgh, I don’t want that!” “See….and I felt that every day. But I never told anyone” “But Eileen, you moved to Berlin to do it so….you must have wanted it” “I did….when I started I was so motivated and it was fun. I really liked it. I also liked teaching at this university in Berlin but….the last year was horrible. It was so stressful. And you always have to make small talk. Like, everyday. You always have to make sure you don’t tell any stupid joke or dress weird or whatever if you’re meeting other researchers. I was so done with it. I don’t want to go to conferences, meetings and sessions anymore. I don’t want to argument in a panel discussion. I’m just done with it. I want to write, you know. That’s why I looked for a job as a writer and journalist.” “Wait…but you didn’t get a job in LA?” “No….” ”Maybe it was because of your PhD? You were overqualified”

I sighed. Something I never really wanted to speak out loud. “I once thought about this but I never really said it to myself but yes….I think many magazines or newspapers and editors in LA thought ‘Oh my gosh, she has a PhD. That’s too much for us. We don’t hire her’. So I didn’t find a job in LA but suddenly I got this opportunity in New  York and I took it.

“Wow, you wrote a whole dissertation and I only wrote a bachelor thesis with 30 pages.” Megan laughed. “Anyway….I don’t care anymore. I don’t regret these past years in Berlin. It was a great time, I met one of the two loves of my life but….now I want to do something for a living I really like” “Yeah, sounds great. So….wow, I still can’t believe it. Congratulations on both….on your PhD and also on your decision. It’s very brave. I think not everyone would do it that way” she said and I felt a bit emotional. “So, let’s have some wine!” I said. “To all the great and bad days I had during the past three years. Cheers to myself and to us and to this wonderful city….New York City! Cheers!” I said and we clinked.

After an hour of drinking wine and talking about our lives Megan looked at her phone. “Wow, we should leave now if we really want to go to a club tonight” “Oh….do we have to go?” I asked her. “Well, no one says we HAVE to go” Megan laughed. “It’s so comfy on my couch and I don’t know if I really want to leave now” “Neither do I” Megan agreed. So we stayed in my apartment drinking wine. “So look at us….one ex model and one PhD graduate living in New York and writing for a boring online magazine” “You think it’s boring?” I was surprised. “Kind of…I mean, it’s quite cool yes, but I think we could do more. We can interact with our readers, you know. But we prefer another “6 things you have to do in Brooklyn” lists because of clickbaiting” “Hm, you’re right. Carl is totally into clickbating. I mean, that’s why he wants to publish my story” “But it’s a wonderful text Eileen” “Maybe….” she said. “I never wrote anything like that” “Thanks” I took another sip of wine. “You know, sometimes I have the feeling I have to start my own blog to write about all the great things in life I want to write about” “Yeah, me too. About love, experiences, failure, family, education, music, culture….everything. But Instead we have to write what Carl wants us to write” “Carl the big boss” I chuckled. “He doesn’t even know what our readers really like….I mean most of our readers are in their twenties and thirties….Carl is in his fifties and just because he’s banging a 25 year old model doesn’t mean he knows what people at their age like” Megan suddenly spoke louder. “Maybe he knows what she likes in bed….” I laughed. “You know what?” Megan suddenly asked me. “What?” “We should start our own blog! We should write about all the things that matters to us in life. We are in our thirties. We know what people our age want to read and what they care about…we are the perfect writers!”

Wow. I liked her idea. I mean it sounded a bit crazy but….why not? “I mean, professionally.” She said and stood up. “Look, we both know a lot about writing, editorials, SEO, HTML, Photoshop, social media….we are professionals. We can do that!” “We definitely can….at least we can try it” “No….Eileen….we’re not only trying it, we’re doing it!” she said and took my laptop. 

After a few minutes she showed me a program to design websites. Since Megan also worked for our social media and graphic design section in the office she knew a lot about it. “How should we name our blog?” “Well…” “We’ll find a name….so any ideas? Let’s just collect ideas for texts” “It depends what the blog should be about?” “Everything that matters to you….maybe that’s our name?” “Maybe” “However….we should write about serious and funny topics. Just like Hellogiggles….do you know Hellogiggles?” “I’ve heard of it” I said. “It’s a website that started as blog and it was co-founded by Zooey Deschanel” “Oh right, I’ve heard about it. And now a company invested in it, right?” “Yep….so….what do you think?” “You mean we write about lifestyle, about culture, serious topics” “Topics about life…especially about women. Let’s focus on women” “Sounds great” “It does!” Megan was happy. “I have the feeling that this could be the next big thing” “Well, we’re not the only one who start a blog” I laughed. “No but….we know the right people. You know what I mean? I have so many contacts….if we go online web can get bigger and bigger after a while. I know how to do it” “Sounds like a plan” I agreed.

Three hours later we have already collected many ideas – and drank the second bottle of wine. “Wow. What a productive night. Much better than going into a club” I laughed. “It is!” Megan agreed. “This could be great. No….it will be great!” I was sure. 

________________

Downtown, Los Angeles….

“Wow Josh, I can’t believe we’re meeting Lady Gaga!!!!” Emma said. You could tell she was VERY excited. We were at the Staples Center where Lady Gaga played a sold out show tonight. Like I promised last week I accompanied Emma and her friend to the concert. And I even could arrange a meeting with Lady Gaga. “Josh….where do we meet her?” “Well, let’s just wait here okay? She’ll come. I spoke to her manager” I told the girls. We were already at the backstage room of the Staples Center. Lady Gaga’s manager told me she would show up in a few minutes. Funny thing was that I knew someone who was working for her and who arranged this meeting. It only took me two phone calls and everything was done. “Oh my god, there she is!” Emma suddenly screamed.

Lady Gaga walked towards us and greeted the girls in her lovely and nice attitude she has. After that we shook hands. “Oh, you’re from the Chili Peppers, right? I’m a huge fan” she laughed. “Thanks….” But now Emma and her friend Laura started talking to her. Lady Gaga looked at them and answered their questions. They talked about the concert, the new record and Emma could even ask a question about Gaga’s tattoos. I have to admit that she was a very nice and likeable person. Later I took a selfie of the girls and her and Gaga even wanted a selfie with all of us. “Are these your girls?” she asked me. “Noooo” I laughed. “I’m just….I’m taking care of them tonight” “Oh okay….you’re the rock star friend who took them out to a concert” she laughed. “Kind of” After ten minutes she had to say goodbye. She hugged the girls and left the room.

“Woooooow….this was huuuuuge….unbelievable” Emma went wild. “I met Lady Gaga….I really met her!” she said to Laura. “I can’t believe her!” her friend agreed. While the girls were still totally overwhelmed I looked at my phone. No call from Eileen. No text message. Nothing. Maybe I should call her? I would do it when I’m home, I thought. “Girls, we should leave now” I told them. “Noooo, we want to stay. Can we have a coke?” Emma asked. “Well, it’s already 11.20pm…you should go to bed. You have to go to school tomorrow” “I don’t care about school” The girls said simultaneously. “Okay….only one coke okay?”  

“Josh?” Emma asked when she was lying in her bed. “Hm?” “Thank you so much for tonight….It was a night I will never forget. I met Lady Gaga and only you could make it happen. Honestly, I’m so happy to have you in my life” she suddenly said. Wow, I was a bit overwhelmed by her words and didn’t know what to say. “Well, you don’t have to thank me. It’s a natural thing that I’m taking care of you since….well, you know” “Since mommy left us, yeah.” It still hurt me to hear these words coming from Emma’s mouth. “It hurts whenever I think about it but….I’m so glad you’re here….and grandma of course” “And you’re grandma is wonderful. Without her help I wouldn’t have known what to do back in June….” ”I know….she likes you a lot. I think she never liked any boyfriend my mom had. But she really loves you and so do I” “Thanks” I chuckled. Emma’s words made me blush. “You are the coolest stepdad I ever had” she suddenly joked. “Really?” “Yes!” “Well, but I’m not really your dad” “But I see you as a step dad. I know you’re not my dad but since my real dad doesn’t give a shit about me, you’re like a dad to me” “Your words are so sweet….but you should sleep now. It’s midnight” “I know….” She said. “Can you send me the last picture you took with your phone?” “You mean the group selfie?” “Yes” “Okay, wait a minute” I said and looked for my phone in my pocket. But there was no phone. “It’s not here so….I’ll take a look at my jacket” I told her and left the room. But after checking out my jacket there wasn’t any phone either. I even went outside to look if I left it in my car. But still no phone. “Fuck” I said when I came back into the house. “What’s wrong?” Emma asked. She was in the kitchen because she was obviously thirsty. “I think I lost my phone” “THE ONE WITH THE SELFIE?????” Emma was shocked. “Yes….” “Oh no Josh, how could you do that? Now I only have the blurry selfie Laura took” “Sorry….it must have fallen out of my pocket” “Josh….oh nooooo” now Emma’s mood changed. “Sorry Emma….but look” I said and hugged her. “No matter how many pictures or selfies you take….you’ll always keep the real memories as pictures in your heart” “Hopefully” “Believe me….you do” “Do you?” “What do yo mean?” “Do you still have the best moments in your life kept in your heart?” I thought about it for a while and suddenly smiled. “Yes, I have” “Is there a memory of my mommy too?” “Of course there is, Emma” I said. It wasn’t a lie. I was still thinking of Helen sometimes but mostly because I still couldn’t understand that she left her family. But right now Eileen was the one who was on my mind every morning and every night before going to bed. This night we had affected everything in me. I think I was a happier person since then. I hope she was feeling the same. I should definitely call her tomor….oh fuck. Now that I lost my phone I even lost the numbers. And I didn’t want to ask Eric or even Molly. I didn’t want them to know! “I hope so” Emma brought me back to reality.  “Have a good night and sweet dreams Emma. I will drive you to school tomorrow” “Really? So I can sleep a little bit longer” she grinned. “Yes you can” I laughed and turned off the lights before leaving her room.

I sat down in my living room and listened to music. Of course it wasn’t loud because I didn’t want to wake up Emma. She was so sweet. Tonight was such a great night. I think we never really were at a concert together. The only time when she was at a concert was when she and her mother joined me on tour. But now that this wouldn’t happen again and I was in some ways her step dad our lives would never be the same. It was still strange for me to be a step dad for a child I only knew for two years. But Emma was great. She just turned eleven and she was so smart. Sometimes she taught me a lot!

I didn’t tell her what I was doing in New York. I only told her about the concert and that I met a music friend to jam. But that’s it. I didn’t mention Eileen. I still didn’t know how she would react. Even if she was the one who told me to see Eileen again when we were talking about her a few months ago. But I still didn’t want her to think that I didn’t love her mother or that I even forgot her. Yes, in a way I tried to forget Helen because she hurt me. I knew we weren’t in a relationship anymore but we were still living together when she left out of a sudden. She shocked not only Emma but also me and she changed our lives forever. One year ago I felt okay with living together with Emma and her mother but now I had to take care of her daughter. Emma’s grandma was in Chino for a few week so Emma was staying in my house. I brought her to school, picked her up, I cooked for us, I helped her with her homework and later that day I showed her some new riffs on guitar. Emma was now learning to play the drums and guitar. I was very proud of her.

Maybe I was so relaxed because of the weekend I spent together with Eileen. It was wonderful. I was still thinking about it. Spending time with her was the best thing I did in a while. She cheered me up, she let me laugh again. She was just her. And I loved her dog. Vilma. She was so cute. I think Vilma and Bowie would be a great dog couple. I chuckled. I often chuckled when I thought about Eileen. I should definitely write her. But now that I lost my phone….maybe I should write her on Facebook? But how stupid would that be?

But even if I would buy a new phone – which I probably would do tomorrow – I didn’t have her number and to be honest, I didn’t have the guts to ask Eric or even Molly. I didn’t know if Eileen told her friend about our weekend and….well Eric had enough stress because of his father who had a complicated surgery last week. I didn’t want to bother him because of my stupid women problems.But I would figure it out.... Emma and I got along very well together in the next week. I really liked spending time with her. Although she wasn’t my own daughter I kind of started caring about her like she would be my own daughter – if that is even possible. At the weekend we went on a hike in the hills and later we visited the Universal Studios. Although wasn’t into the whole Hollywood thing, I did it because Emma liked it so much. We also visited the Walk of Fame and later enjoyed ice cream at Venice Beach. When the week started and Emma had to go back to school I went into my music room to write new songs. I needed this time for myself. Just me, my guitars and my mind. I had so many things on my mind right now that I had the feeling that I had to write songs about it. No matter if positive or negative songs.

It was the last week before the Holidays and the Dots were rehearsing for the last time until we would take a little break over Christmas. Wow, finally it was Christmas again. How time can fly…

“So, then we’ll see again next week. Let us jam a little bit at boxing day an maybe the next day” Jonathan told us. Since almost all of the guys had their own family they didn’t have much time to meet for a creative music session at Christmas Eve like we used to do a few years ago on a regular basis. Now that almost every one was a father and had a family they had to change the order of priorities. I was the only one who always tried to find time for a short jam session. Even when I was still with Helen and we kind of lived together like a real family and did some family activities at the weekend, I always found time to make music. But the other guys didn’t. Maybe it was because their children were still very young and little so they didn’t want to miss anything about them growing up. Since I wasn’t Emma’s real dad and she was almost a teenager I acted differently.   But whatever. I answered Jonathan and the guys with a “Yeah, sure I always have time for music!” and waved the guys goodbye as I was walking to my car. When I arrived at my car I saw a woman sitting at the stairs in front of a building. It was just next to my car so I couldn’t look away. She looked as if she was huddling. She didn’t look well. But I couldn’t see her face. “Mam, is everything okay?” I asked her. But when she looked at me I saw who it was. A familiar face. Again. “Chloe?” “Hey Josh…” she said. “Um, aren’t you feeling well?” I asked. I mean, although I was still mad at her because of her weird behavior that day in New York a few weeks ago, I’m not a bad person and if someone looks ill I try to help. “Yeah, I’m just feeling a little bit….sick. I have some stomach issues but….it will be okay I think. It’s just a side affect of the pregnancy” “Hm, do you want something to drink?” I said and offered her my bottle of water. “No thanks” “Should I drive you to a doctor?” “Well, I think it’s okay” “Are you alone here?” “Yes…I just visited a friend” I looked around. It was an industrial area so I  was wondering where her friend could have lived but I didn’t know the whole district so maybe…who knows. “I will call a cab and see a doctor” she told me while getting up from the stairs. But suddenly she was faltering so I put my arm around her to help her. She answered my help with a smile. “Thank you Josh” “No problem” I said. “What are you doing here in LA? I thought you’re living in New York now” I asked her. “Well, I’m just visiting my family” “Okay” “And your boyfriend?” “He’s….well, not here obviously” she laughed. I didn’t ask further questions but it made me wonder what she was doing here at the evening in this fucked up area of El Sereno. She would never go to El Sereno if there wouldn’t be a reason. And I couldn’t imagine that she had a friend who was living here, but what did I know?

“Don’t you think you should see a doctor? You’re not looking good” I said. “Well, maybe you’re right. I will call a cab” “No you don’t have to. I can drive you to your doctor” I sighed and we got into my car. We didn’t talk much during the whole drive and thirty minutes later we arrived at Chloe’s doctor. “Thanks Josh���.” she said smiling. “You’re welcome” I answered and hoped she would leave my car immediately. It was still a weird feeling. “And sorry for my misbehavior that day in New York…I didn’t want to pitch a fit. I just…I just had a bad day, you know” “It’s okay….now, get well soon” “I will, thank you. Bye” she said while closing the door. I watched her entering the medical office. She looked very fucked up. Maybe she was telling the truth and she really visited a friend in El Sereno. Whatever….

The next day I was meeting with Mike, a good friend of mine. He was working for the Chilis management since last year but I knew him for years and I was very glad that he got the job. It was the first time that I had the feeling I could trust a person who was working for our band. Of course, all the other people who were working for us were great and I got along with them very well but Mike was also a good friend for me so it was easy to talk with him about business because I could totally trust him. “Maaaaan, how long didn’t we see each other, hm?” He welcomed me when we were walking to the entrance of the Staples Center for a Lakers game. “I don’t know. Too long ago” I agreed with him. It was already very crowded so we only got us something to drink and then went to our seats. I got us seats in the front rows. Not in the very front row but it was at least the third row. Before the game started we were talking about our lives and about the last tour leg in South America and Australia next year. Mike was such a great guy. He was mostly in charge for our PR work. He was responsible for our image in the public. Honestly, I wasn’t very interested in PR work because I didn’t like media that much but Mike did a great job. He only booked the interesting interviews for us and was always keeping an eye on all the stuff that was written about us on the internet – no matter if in the media or by the fans or by people who pretended to know us. And yes, the latter happened sometimes, no matter if it were so called “friends” of us or just people we met randomly.

During one of the breaks Mike was checking his phone. Suddenly he started laughing but the next moment he looked quite shocked. “What happened?” I asked. “Maaaaaan, what is going on in your private life?” “What do you mean? I already told you, Emma was living with me in the last week and” I started telling him but he interrupted. “No I mean, what is going on….I mean, after splitting from Helen, did you meet new girls?” “Um, just randomly….one girl and then Eileen…I told you” “Yes you told me about your weekend with her that’s why I’m quite shocked seeing you with this Chloe chick on the streets” “WHAT???” I got louder. “Look what TMZ just posted” Mike said and showed me the article. It was posted two hours ago. There were several paparazzi pictures of us taken at the streets in El Sereno yesterday. It was obvious that it didn’t happen by accident. I mean, no paparazzi ever drives to El Sereno to take pictures!  “What the fuck? Chloe must have called the paparazzis before. But I thought she wasn’t feeling well that’s why I even helped her! I drove her to her doctor!” I told Mike. “Well, looks like she just lied to you to get these pictures of you two” “I can’t believe it” I said and got up from the stairs to go outside. Mike followed me. “I can’t believe she did it again. She did it when we were still dating but that’s seven fucking years ago, you know….” I couldn’t keep quiet. I was almost getting out of control. “She’s an attention whore, you know it” “I know but….I didn’t think she would do that again after our encounter in New York” “Oh she must’ve called the paparazzis in New York as well because there are some more photos of you two at the streets of Manhattan” “I can’t believe it….wow, I’m just speechless” I said. “You know, I even wondered what she was doing in El Sereno and since when she has friends there when her whole family is living in Santa Monica and she owns a house in the Hollywood Hills and is good friends with the whole Hollywood Society….it was strange but I didn’t questioned it because I wanted to help her, you know. She’s a pregnant woman, she looked like she needed help and I’m not an asshole, you know?” “I know buddy but seems like this chick played with you. The article says that her boyfriend broke up with her because he found out that he’s not the father of the unborn baby” “WHAAAAT?” I even started to laugh but at the same time it was very sad. For Chloe and for me who didn’t see it coming. I wanted to read the article so I took Mike’s phone to read it.

Who’s your daddy???

Chloe van den Brook (29) is not only a successful actress and the most famous star from the cast of “The Perks of being a Californian” but also collaborated with some well known Hollywood directors and will be part of a new romantic comedy alongside Jennifer Anniston and Kate Hudson. But while her career seems to go into the right direction, her private life seems to be a little bit complicated.

In an interview from August she revealed her relationship with the investment banker Matthew Carlsson (35) with whom she was linked since December last year. The couple bought a penthouse in Manhattan and even got engaged and a baby was on their way. But while the baby is still on the way it seems that Carlsson is no longer the father of the unborn baby. But what happened?

A secret source now revealed that Mathew Carlsson found out that his fiancé cheated on him and told him in a fight that he’s not the father. But who is the father? Maybe her ex?

Yesterday Chloe was seen together with her ex boyfriend Josh Klinghoffer (41), guitarist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The couple dated for a few months back in 2014 but called it quits in January 2015. It’s not a secret that Chloe was obviously very in love with the musician since she was talking about him in many interviews at that time.. But the couple wasn’t seen again after their break up – until now!

A few weeks ago they were first caught by paparazzis while talking in front of a boutique in Manhattan. Yesterday the two were seen together in El Sereno, the place where Josh Klinghoffer lives. They were even walking along arm in arm to his car. So maybe Chloe van den Brook went back to her ex and makes him the father of her child? Until now she didn’t commented on the rumours but the pictures speak for themselves.

 “Wow, I’m just speechless” was all I could say after reading the article twice. “She’s not only a liar, she’s also a totally stupid attention whore” Mike commented on the article. “Well, she knows how it works….she has to remain interesting for the media and she doesn’t care about anything or anyone else. I mean, look at it. It’s also negative press for her because they’re writing that she cheated on her boyfriend….but she must’ve agreed with the press on this story she now created in her mind about me. She uses all available funds” I told Mike. “And she’s quite successful with it. People are talking about her” “You know, I really thought she was feeling bad so I helped her. This picture that shows us arm in arm….I just covered her neck because I wanted to guide her to my car. That’s it. But they portray it as if we would have walked arm in arm on the streets” “Well, you did….at least it looks like that” Mike laughed. “It’s not funny….I’m not the father of her child. I didn’t even see her in the past months” “So….what should we do now?” Mike asked me. “Can you please force them to write a counter statement. I do not date her, I’m not the father of her unborn child and I didn’t even see her in person until this encounter in New York.” “I will do it. Just wrote an email to our lawyer” “Thanks Mike” I said. “Wow, I can’t believe I have to deal with such a crazy ex girlfriend. I have real problems in my life, okay? I don’t want to be part of Chloe’s stupid media show” I told Mike and suddenly left the Staples Center. I was so sick of Chloe’s behavior. She didn’t change in the last years. All she wanted was fame and now that she had it, she wasn’t satisfied. Now she wanted to be linked to someone famous, as well. I mean, she even dated Bradley Cooper for a while, why didn’t she make such a stupid fake story with him? I was so mad at her. As I got into my car I drove on the highway back to my home. Emma was at my home with her grandma because she wanted to play the drums and since she didn’t have a drum set at her grandma’s home they stayed in my house for the whole day while I was busy.

“Josh, there you are” Emma’s grandma greeted me. “I thought you’re coming home late. Didn’t you want to go to a bar after the game?” “Yes well, my plans changed….” I told her and took off my jacket. “Hm, did the Lakers loose?” Actually they won. But I only heard it on the radio on my way back home. Mike called me several times and later texted me that he already talked to our lawyer and that I shouldn’t be worried. I wasn’t worried about anything. I knew that our crew was doing great work for the band. But I was pissed off that my personal life was suddenly discussed in the public. It wasn’t only the article by TMZ. Many people were discussing the question who the father of Chloe’s baby could be on her social media accounts. How crazy was that? Suddenly I was part of a discussion I wasn’t really part of. I didn’t see Chloe for years and then I bump into her in Manhattan and she creates such a lie. I hated her. But I hated myself even more for believing her stupid stories. That was definitely a psychotic behavior what she was doing!

“They did win, right? I heard it in the news!” grandma Agneta told me. “I know, they did” “Josh, what’s wrong?” “Nothing, I just….I just had a tough day okay? I need some rest” “Of course. Go and get some rest.” She said and gave me a glass of water. “Thanks….” I said and looked at the bottle. “You need something else, don’t you?” she asked me. And then she went to my personal bar in the living room and picked the Whiskey Single Malt. “So, tell me….what’s on your mind? I can see that there is something that is bothering you, so….come on, tell me. We’re a family, aren’t we?” Suddenly I realized that she was right. In a way we were a family although we’re not related to each other and I didn’t marry her daughter. But she was right. We were the ones who were left behind. Since Helen left there were only us. “Okay” I sighed and then I told her the whole story. Like….everything about Chloe’s lies from the start to the end.

“What a disgusting behavior” Agneta said. “It is….” ”She’s just a dumb girl who wants attention” “But she used me again….I don’t even know why. She is successful and famous…she doesn’t need a musician like me who doesn’t want to be in the focus of attention” “I know but….she doesn’t do it to get famous because she is already famous. I think she wants you and when she can’t have you, she tries to creates situations so that people can think she is still dating you” “That’s bullshit. Even the tabloids know that it’s over. It’s seven years ago, Agneta” “I know….but women can get very crazy when it comes to men” “Well….I know….” I sighed. “Josh, stop thinking about this bitch. She’s not worth it” Agneta said and took another sip of her whiskey. Wow, I never heard her saying words like that. “Thanks….” I chuckled. “You’re a great man. And even when I’m still very sad that it didn’t work out with my daughter and I still can’t believe that Helen left us behind….I really hope you do find a woman who can make you happy” she told me. “Thank you….honestly, it’s not normal to hear these words coming from you. I mean, in your position….I broke up with your daughter and now you’re saying these nice and kind words to me. Honestly, I really appreciate it” “No Josh, I appreciate you! What you did in the past months….wow. I can’t find words to describe it…..I don’t know how to thank you. You were there for my grandchild. You didn’t think twice and took care of her. You gave us this beautiful home here in LA…..I never thought that I would move to LA some day” she laughed. “But it’s a great city to live in although I’m still overwhelmed by it sometimes….” Agneta looked me in the eyes. “Josh, what you’re doing for my family isn’t natural. Not every guy would do that. And believe me, I met a lot of guys because Helen dated a lot of idiots. But when she introduced me to you I knew that you’re a good guy. You would take care of her and you did. And now you take care of her child….I mean, you don’t have to, you know” “But Agneta….what would have happened to Emma if I wouldn’t have agreed to take care of her? I mean, maybe she would have moved back to Chino or so….I didn’t want that. She’s happy here in LA and I think we can do this in the future. We’ll do it” “I know, I know….we can” she laughed. “We definitely can” I agreed with her. We both took another sip of our Whiskey which was tasting great, by the way.

“So, tell me” she suddenly said. “Did you meet a new girl in New York?” “What? Why are you asking?” I was a bit shocked. How did she know? “Because you seem so happy since you’re back from New York. I saw it directly in your eyes. They were shining. So, did you?” “Um….well….to be honest….I didn’t meet a new girl” “Oh what a pity….I thought you did” “But I met someone who was once a very important person in my life and with whom I even shared a period of time in my life” “Oh really? Who is it?” she now asked curious. Well I think this was a typical women behavior. My mother and my sister just acted the same way. “Well, she’s my ex. We were dating for three years but then she broke up with me” “Do you know why?” “I do….I think I do” “And do you think there is a future?” “I don’t know….she’s living in New  York and I’m here in LA….I don’t think it can work since we’re both not really into long distance relationships….” “But you two spent some time together in New York?” “We did” I told her but didn’t want to be too precisely. “Oh your smile tells me everything I need to know” she laughed. “Um, okay” I said shyly. “Josh, if you still have feelings for this woman you should go and let her know” “Well, it’s not that easy…” I said. “Who says that life is easy?” Agneta grinned. “But why are you afraid?” “I don’t know….Maybe it was just a one night stand for her. Just a fling. Nothing serious. I mean, she was the one who ended our relationship. There was a reason why she did it, right? So I’m just wondering why this weekend happened” “Oh a whole weekend?????” “Yes…” ”God, Josh, go and tell her!” “Agenta, I don’t know what to say. You should be mad at me because I broke up with your daughter but now you’re supporting me into meeting my ex girlfriend again….that’s weird” “It is weird, I know. But Josh, I already told you. You now belong to our family. Emma loves you, she won’t move back to Chino with me so….you will be always her dad she never had” “I know” I sighed. “And I want her to be happy but I also want you to be happy….and if you’re happy when you’re with this girl then go and get her” Agneta told me laughing. “Go man!” “Well, it’s not that easy” “I know, I know. You’re too much into overthinking, don’t you think? Helen once told me that you’re such a sensible guy who always thinks about certain topics a way too long” “Well I guess she was right” “She also told me about your past where you were messing around with girls….but she didn’t care. She loved you for the man you were when you two were dating and not for the man you were in the past” Wow, I didn’t know how to react to these words.

“And if this girl loves you, she will love you the way you are” “I know….I’m not proud of this chapter in my life, to be honest….I only did it to forget her, you know. I only slept with all these girls to get her out of my mind. But after two years I realized that it didn’t help. The first time I forgot her was when I met Helen.” “And that’s a very cute story. Of course I wished that you and my daughter would still be dating and maybe you two would marry some day and have a family together but….well I guess that won’t happen so….I just try to support you Josh, because I want you to be happy.” “Thank you Agneta, I really appreciate your support and your words.” I repeated myself. “And I thank you for making my granddaughter so happy!” Agneta laughed. “She doesn’t want to leave the drums” “Really? Is she still in my music room?” “Of course she is!” ”Well, then maybe we should go and watch her play” I suggested.

So we went into my music room where Emma was still playing the drums. She was very good! She learned very fast and I showed her new things every week that she was practicing over the week. “Hey Josh!” she greeted me. “Sounds great!” I complimented her. But now she already left the drums and ran to me to hug me. “Wow um Emma, what’s wrong?” I laughed. “You’re the best teacher in the world! I love the drums. I want to practice every free minute” “You can do that” “But first focus on school!” Agneta said. “Yes Granny” Emma rolled her eyes. “Are you hungry?!” I asked Emma. She nodded. “What about some pizza?”  ______ By the way, you can also check out my second tumblr blog here. I write about music, traveling and any other topic that comes to my mind :)   https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/

[brainlikepancakebatter]

Hey I might update later or elaborate, but I'm gonna be gone for a while. I dropped out this semester. Or medically withdrew. But I'm going to go to detox. Because I can't get stop drinking on my own, even if I cut back slowly on my own, with my low weight and worth how much I drink now, I can't do it with out being at risk for seizures or you know dying. So... I'm gonna go to detox. And I'm scared as shit. I'm so fucking scared. I've been so drunk every night for over a year, and now I have to be sober for a while, like overly sober, I don't wanna be in a hospital or be doped up on xanax for 2 weeks, but it's better than going through what I have been. Every time I'm not drinking I've been going through withdrawals and have been sweating and hearing things and shaking and dry heaving, so I have to do this. So I have to go away. Detox. Rehab. Then maybe an inpatient hospital or serious outpatient care? Idk for sure yet? But I'm scared as fuck. I've relied on alcohol for so long, and I'm scared for detox and it's going to hurt like hell, and I'm scared to be alone in this. But I have to. Because I hurt all the time. I'm going to do this. I have to. And I'm going to do it and I'm going to figure out shit when I come back. I'll figure out a plan when I come back. School can wait. I'll go to school later. I can get a job whenever. I can do shit whenever. But I can't do anything if I'm puking 24/7. I can't do anything if I'm dying. I have to get healthy. I can't do anything if a poison controls my life. I can't do anything when all I think about is when I can get a drink. I can't do anything when I'm timing my life around drinking. I've taken every anti depressant on the market except maois, every anti anxiety, every anti psychotic, and most mood stabilizer, and my psychiatrist told me that even the treatment options I was looking at (tms, ect, and ketamine injections, but mostly ect) wouldn't even work because I'm drinking 30-40 shots a night and have a deathly thin bmi. He told me he's surprised I'm not dead yet, I told him to be blunt and fuck, dudes 85 and blunt as fuck. I know I'm small and drunk a lot but he told me he's had patients who are anorexic and alcoholics who have died from anorexia or drinking. He said I should be dead. He's surprised I'm not dead. He said it's a miracle I'm not. It freaked me out. I can't keep living off luck. I wake up every day and dry heave and throw up yellow bile. I shake and sweat every night. I take anti seizure meds because of my drinking, I've amped up my drinking because if I stop or cut down that's when the seizures start. I can't spend a night alone because I'm afraid I'll die in my sleep. I'm so scared all the time. I need to go away. I have to go to detox. I'm glad I'm doing this for myself. I don't want to do this. I love drinking, and I know I'm not going to quit for forever. I know my triggers and I know what makes me drink more. This year has been the worst of my life, I know what propelled me to drink. I know what makes me venerable I know what taunts me. I know when I feel weak. I'm not in control right know. I have to get clean. But also IM NOT GOING TO QUIT DRINKING FOREVER and I want people to know that. It's not my intention. I've always been in control. That's why I know I'm not in control right now. I used to be in control. I want to be able to drink and have fun with it again, I had that for like 3 years, and I want it again. I think I can do it again. I just need a break from my social life and my meds and my physical dependence. I can be in control again. I know I can do it. When I come back, I don't want people to be nervous about me drinking. I know they will be. It's habit. But if people know me well enough, they'll be able to see when it gets bad. When it starts. I want to drink on the weekends at parties and get shit faced and have fun and go home and stay sober a few days over the week, like what I did at boulder. Whereas now, and last semester, getting blackout drunk every night and staying up 24 hours a day and going to class and doing it all over again trying to keep the 4.0 gpa. I can't keep getting drunk every night. I can't keep going to school. Not now. I have to get healthy. I finally believe that now that I physically couldn't walk to class because I was dry heaving and couldn't walk to class... and so I made the decision I'm glad I did I think I want to get healthy I don't want to die from this. I don't want to die. I don't want to die from an alcohol od. I don't want to die from liver cancer. I want to drink and I want to party like everyone else, but it's gotten to a point where I drink when I'm alone when I'm sad when I'm bored when I'm not doing anything. When I don't have any alcohol near me, I panic. It's my one and only security blanket. Fucking addiction. I have to get clean. It'll hurt like hell. But I'm glad I'm going to do this. I hope it'll be good. I hope everyone will understand. I hope I'll still have some friends, I know I'll lose some friends. I know. The friends I've told so far have been so supportive and wonderful and I've cried so much because I just want to hug them and tell them how much I love them. Like rachel always gets to me man, dude, u make me cry I love u so so much. And all my friends are so good like Rachel and dan and Thomas and jalen and em and even Caitlin and Devin! And I had to tell maryclare and sarah yesterday because they wanted to plan a movie night where we were gonna watch fight club, and I had to tell them and holy shit?! They were so fucking?! Supportive?! Like I wasn't planning on telling any of them but I told them and they were so cool about it!! Then sarah asked "but, you said you still wanna drink, so, on your 21st, can I still take you to bars because I already have started to make a list..." and it made me so happy they're all so cool about it they understand it kinda And sarah was cool about it and I told her yes, we'll go to bars when I turn 21. I'm not gonna be "sober" I just have to escape this fucking monster of alcoholism.

[melodramatic-glasses-character]

1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood? - Free Bird, Lynrd Skynrd. My dad showed it to me when he found out I was learning electric guitar


2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet? - lovely lab/Doberman called Bella and a cat called Charlie


3.) have you ever been drunk? - many many times, amigos


4.) have you ever tried drugs? - I smoke weed pretty regularly (helps me sleep) and I tried Nos once at a friends house


5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said? - so many times


6.) have you ever made someone cry? On occasion


7.) has someone ever made you cry? - only once, ever, since my dad left


8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. - I’ve been in love so many times and each time has been different and varied and wonderful. I was thinking today that those first few months of being in love with someone are some of the best experiences life can offer


9.) which came first the chicken or the egg? - seriously? The fucking chicken


10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them? - I’m bisexual, but I don’t consider myself part of the community because apparently I’m ‘straight passing’ or ‘doing it for the attention’ and I’ve never been really accepted into that sphere (me being a Christian probably has something to do with that too) But I’ll always support them because nobody else fucking does in this world.

11.) how many siblings do you have? - two siblings, and a half sister who I never see


12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love? - I’ve been in love with a lot of people. A few people that never got to show love to, and a few who I couldn’t love the way they needed me to


13.) are you a good cook? - I have a select few meals I can cook really well. The rest? Nah


14.) what is your favorite tv show? - at the moment, Brooklyn nine nine, but I also love sense8. I’m more of an anime man tho


15.) what is the last movie you cried during? - spirit stallion of the cimmoran, when I was four


16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any) - nah, but the closest I’ve come was the first time I ever heard Crash Land by Twin Atlantic


17.) do you have a middle name? - two middle names, but I’m not about to share them here


18.) have you been out of your country? - yeah a few times. I LOVE ITALY


19.) are you a chocolate fan or not? - I can take or leave it?


20.) how many people have you kissed? - I have kissed a large number of people and I regret nothing. Kissing is great


21.) what is your favorite album? - that’s a very difficult question. Probably Wilder Mind by Mumford


22.) what is your dream car? - @luxury-pie a yellow 2010 Ferrari California


23.) what is your lucky/favorite number? - 8. Never known why, but 8 is my number


24.) what is your favorite flower? - I don’t really like specific flowers. Daisies are pretty tho


25.) books or movies, why? - books, because I don’t have the attention span for movies


26.) have you ever been on a blind date? - no, should I have?


27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you? - no, nothing serious or hurtful, but…


28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends? - I have. Brutally and awfully and I regret it so much


29.) what thing do you symbolize love with? - love is doing shit you couldn’t care less for gladly because you know it’ll make somebody else happy.


30.) do you have neat handwriting? - I have the fucking worst handwriting of anyone I know


31.) do you have a friend with benefits? - nah, although I have in the past and really enjoyed it. She’s great and we’re still really good friends and chat shit all the time


32.) do you want a friend with benefits? - not right now, I’m more than happy with my girlfriend


33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be? - happy and financially stable


34.) have you ever been blackout drunk? - I’ve lost memory while drunk, but never blacked out. This particular occasion I had a race down a line of Jaeger shots and woke up in bed with a friends hot sister. No memory of the night after the jaeger race tho


35.) have you ever met someone famous? - not mad famous no.


36.) how many concerts have you been to? - too many to count


37.) which concerts have you been to? - awesome ones


38.) do you have a hidden talent? - I have a great many talents but most people who know me know about them. For tumblrs benefit, I play nine instruments, write fiction relatively well, sing fairly well, and give really good head


39.) what do you do when you’re stressed? - panic. And smoke. And sometimes if I’m lucky, I smoke some weed


40.) do you think money can buy love? - money can’t buy shit that matters


41.) how old would you date? - maybe 25 rn? But I prefer a year either way


42.) have you ever done something illegal? - a fair chunk of illegal shit yeah. Particularly as a teenager


43.) what is your biggest fear? - becoming like my dad


44.) what is an unusual fear you have? - long ass tunnels


45.) can you drive? - not legally, no


46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures? - angels and shit. No fucking ghosts though


47.) do you believe in karma? - good comes around, but bad shit sometimes happens to good people


48.) what is one quality you need in your partner? - they should preferably like me


49.) do looks matter? - as an added bonus, certainly, but they’re nowhere near the most important thing


50.) does size matter? - no it fucking does not


51.) who is the last person you forgave? - truly forgave? Probably my dad. He’s the only person who’s ever wronged me enough to mean that it’s a conscious effort to forgive them.


52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? - cookie dough.


53.) what languages can you speak besides english? - none


54.) ever been on a plane? - yeah, I’ve flown a few planes too


55.) ever been on a boat? - yeah, but I prefer planes


56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? - I’ve moved house so many times, so I’ve left a lot of people behind


57.) are there any friendships you regret? - no, no matter how they ended. Friendship, no matter how lasting or fleeting, is always a precious gift


58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make? - few of you guys in tumblr


59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours? I haven’t slept in the last 50 hours and I seriously need to


60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am? - oh yeah, loads. I love night time


61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through? - yeah my girlfriend and I cycled two hours to the beach at three in the morning so we could watch the sunrise together at five


62.) are you scared of rollercoasters? - nah I enjoy them


63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually? - a solid 6.75


64.) do you have any plans this weekend? - working tbh. On the bar


65.) do you miss anyone right now? - I miss so many people. Right this second I miss @merryanustrench and @luxury-pie


66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now? - those guys. Or my dealer, tbh


67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be? - insane jumping ability


68.) who is your favorite superhero? - someone from the incredibles


69.) are you dirty minded? - half of what I think is about sex


70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s? Close to Me by the Cure, Lithium by Nirvana, Mr Brightside by the Killers, and I Really Like You by Carly Rae (those are just ones I like off the top of my head)


71.) how many kids, if any, do you want? - I’d want a few, but always figured I’d adopt as well as having my own


72.) who is your biggest OTP? - Tom Natsworthy and Hester Shaw from Mortal Engines


73.) what is your favorite food? - chicken marengo


74.) do you want to be married one day? - always have, always will


75.) dogs or cats? - both are amazing, but cats


76.) do you drink enough water daily? - fuck no


77.) have you ever seen a shooting star? - my first one was last year


78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you? - nah can’t say I would, tbh


79.) how many best friends do you have? 2. One is my girlfriend, the other is called J and I love him to pieces


80.) when was the last time you cried? - only once since my dad left. Once in about six years


81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself? - nah never


82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed? - yeah I have, a family member


83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go? Canada, a log cabin in the wolves surrounded by wolves


84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself? - not too great


85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person? - I used to. But I think I treasure the idea of loyalty, more than I do actual loyalty in practice.


86.) what is your favorite season and why? - spring. Spring brings the life back and helps me to light up my life when I’ve been depressed


87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it? - yeah. Not proud of it, but I have


88.) do you know how to play any instruments? - like I said earlier, 9 instruments


89.) do like like falling asleep to music or not? - nah my brain analyses music too much. I like having anime playing so I can’t analyse what they’re saying, or I’ll play some mindless sports video game (NBA 2K) and that puts me to sleep


90.) what are you allergic to? - speaking in front of people


91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like? - yeah all the time


92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be? - I feel like Jake Peralta is already my spirit animal


93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why? - probably Keane Reaves, because we’d mess with people and be super nice


94.) are you outgoing? - mentally I’m quite outgoing, but a lifetime of having a speech impediment means I get anxiety when I have to speak to people


95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to? - oh yeah, certainly when I was younger


96.) are you a good flirt? - nah I’m a fucking terrible flirt, it either turns into low level bullying or overly sexual shit with the subtlety of a freight train


97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down? - yeah I’ve been turned down. I’ve only ever turned one person down but she was an honest to God stalker so I don’t count that


98.) which planet is your favorite? - fucking Neptune, man! So pretty 
99.) are you superstitious? - nah, nothing beyond what’s normal culture (saying bless you after a sneeze and that)
100.) are you a good listener? - yeah I’ve been told that
101.) are you a good kisser - my dude, I am a FANTASTIC kisser and I dare you to test that
102.) would you kiss any of your friends - I would kiss SO MANY of my friends. In fact I’d kiss most of them. Almost all. If you’re friends with me, there’s a good chance I’d kiss you. In fact, if you’re friends with me irl, there’s a good chance you already have

Thanks for putting up with this overshare! I love doing these. I tag @luxury-pie @bemyrobin and @merryanustrench to do however many of these they feel like doing

[i-like-your-genitalia]

I wanna be *that* person just once... answer all of the questions

Lmao well if you are gonna be that person you better read my answer to every single one of these questions 😂😂😂 (I’ll leave the ones I’ve already answered)

1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood? N/A
2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet?

Yeah I had two cats and a border collie ♥️
3.) have you ever been drunk?

Fuck yes 
4.) have you ever tried drugs?

Yup, nothing hardcore tho 
5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said?

Pretty much everything that I say 24/7??????? Yeah probably when I told that guy I loved him and he didn’t love me back Ahahah
6.) have you ever made someone cry?

Yeah, though it’s usually from being really funny or making them sad-happy cry 
7.) has someone ever made you cry?

All my friends and most of my family 
8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it? N/A

9.) which came first the chicken or the egg?

Considering I believe in god, I’m gonna go with the chicken. 
10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them?

I identify as bi and support all the lgbtq+ community. Everyone deserves to have a support system and find people who are similar and have had similar experiences to them 
11.) how many siblings do you have?

Just the one 
12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love? N/A

13.) are you a good cook?

I like to think so, though the number of dishes I can makes probably wants expanding 
14.) what is your favorite tv show?

Omg don’t ask me this 😭😭 Supernatural, Criminal Minds, The OA, 3%, Brooklyn 99, Arrested Development, Broadchurch, Whitechapel, Orphan Black, The Get Down….I have so many and I don’t have a singular favourite! 
15.) what is the last movie you cried during?

Idk, probably beauty and the beast (animated version) I always cry watching that
16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)

Omg a youtuber who does videos mainly taking the piss. Is actually super into music and can sing and I heard a cover he did of a one direction song and cried! 
17.) do you have a middle name?

I have two even 😂
18.) have you been out of your country?

Lmao definitely 
19.) are you a chocolate fan or not?

Fucking hell yes! I’d die without chocolate tbh 
20.) how many people have you kissed?

Maybe 4????
21.) what is your favorite album?

Forest Hill Drive - J Cole & 4 your eyes only - J Cole 
22.) what is your dream car?

Either an Classic American Muscle car or something from a James Bond film
23.) what is your lucky/favorite number?

18
24.) what is your favorite flower?

Forget me nots or baby’s breath (?)

25.) books or movies, why?

Depends, I love books. But I watch way more movies! So probably movies 
26.) have you ever been on a blind date?

Nope and wouldn’t be that keen to try
27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you?

Yup, should have know they were a snake 
28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends?

Not purposely, no!
29.) what thing do you symbolize love with?I’m not really sure 
30.) do you have neat handwriting?

Depends on what pen I’m using honestly 
31.) do you have a friend with benefits?

No ahahahah
32.) do you want a friend with benefits?

It would be cool to try, but I feel as though I wouldn’t be able to cope with it 
33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be?

Rich
34.) have you ever been blackout drunk?

No, but I’ve had some nights that have been a bit patchy 
35.) have you ever met someone famous?

I met the all blacks team once 
36.) how many concerts have you been to?

One and going to another in October 
37.) which concerts have you been to?

I went to see The Cure and and going to see J Cole soon 🎉
38.) do you have a hidden talent?

I can poke you exactly in the belly button, even if I can’t see where it is 
39.) what do you do when you’re stressed?

Sleep, or procrastinate to the point of even more stress 
40.) do you think money can buy love?

No
41.) how old would you date?

Well I’m 18, almost 19. So I probably wouldn’t date past 25.
42.) have you ever done something illegal?

Probably 
43.) what is your biggest fear?

Being alone 
44.) what is an unusual fear you have?

I don’t really have one 
45.) can you drive?

Yeah but only in New Zealand 
46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures?

For sure 
47.) do you believe in karma?

Definitely, I’m just waiting for a few people to get what they deserve 
48.) what is one quality you need in your partner?

Humour 
49.) do looks matter?

Not particularly, but they definitely help. But in the end it doesn’t matter 
50.) does size matter?

Nope, as long as you are happy
51.) who is the last person you forgave?

My best friend for cracking not even 2 days into Junk free June. Something we are suppose to be doing together lmao 
52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Oooooooh! Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup or Mint chocolate chip 
53.) what languages can you speak besides english?

Unfortunately just English 
54.) ever been on a plane?

Yes, I love planes 
55.) ever been on a boat?

Yeah! 
56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t?

A few people, but it is what it is
57.) are there any friendships you regret?

Surprisingly not that many, but there are a few I wish could have been avoided 
58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make?

Probably with my mutuals and a few people I went to high school with who seem really cool! But it’s too late to try and initiate anything now
59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours?

Yes, and like with my 48 hours awake. I died. I love sleep too much 
60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am?

Yeah, to get Maccas and because i was too broke to taxi and it was to late for buses 
61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through?

Yeah, me and a friend specially got up to watch it! Sat on the room in out sleeping bags to see it! 
62.) are you scared of rollercoasters?

Ahahahahah yes but I still love them 
63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually?

Currently it’s pretty low probably a 2 
64.) do you have any plans this weekend?

Might go clubbing but also might sleep
65.) do you miss anyone right now?

@dysfunctionalgroup
66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now?

I’m already talking to the people I want to be talking to! 
67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Mind Reading
68.) who is your favorite superhero?

At the moment Iron Man and Wonder Woman 
69.) are you dirty minded?

Ahahahah yes 
70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s?

Red Red Wine- U2 (80’s)Don’t Speak- No Doubt or Ready or Not- Fugees (all of the 90’s have some good vibes tho so…)Fuck You- Lilly Allen (00’s)Stay with Me- Sam Smith (2010’s) 
71.) how many kids, if any, do you want?

2 ideally but I wouldn’t be opposed to more or less
72.) who is your biggest OTP?

DESTIEL 
73.) what is your favorite food?

All food 
74.) do you want to be married one day?

It would be nice!
75.) dogs or cats?

Both but I probably would go for a cat 
76.) do you drink enough water daily?

I drink so much water, I’m currently at about 3 litres a day 
77.) have you ever seen a shooting star?

Yeah, they are cool! Sadly none of my wishes have been granted 
78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you?

I guess 
79.) how many best friends do you have?

I think 4?????
80.) when was the last time you cried?Like 2 days ago, I had really bad period cramps 
81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself?

Yes ahahahah, it’s always a major concern of mine!
82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed? N/A
83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go?

Well I want to go back to New Zealand, but also really want to go and visit Italy again 
84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself?

Funny, Kind and Cuddly 
85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person?

I like to think so 
86.) what is your favorite season and why?

Summer, I love the heat and the fashion, I like going to the beach and chilling by pool! I like day drinking and being lazy! I like seeing the sun and having long days! 
87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it?

Yes, and there are few who I know have done the same back 
88.) do you know how to play any instruments?

I can technically play the piano but not very well
89.) do like like falling asleep to music or not?

Depends on my mood and the music 
90.) what are you allergic to?

Nothing that I know of
91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like?

Yeah, anyone famous or rich tbh
92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be?

I really don’t know 😒
93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why?

Definitely want to be friends with Rhianna or Chance the Rapper they seem like a lot time honestly! And can’t go wrong with someone who’s always gonna have good music going! But also love to have Misha Collins as a bestie 
94.) are you outgoing?

When I want to be! 
95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to?

Yes 
96.) are you a good flirt?

When I’m not being awkward and putting my foot in my mouth yes! 
97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down?
Yes to both

98.) which planet is your favorite? N/A
99.) are you superstitious?

A little bit but not majorly 
100.) are you a good listener?

I think so! 
101.) are you a good kisser

I don’t know, probably just average! I don’t get that much practise 
102.) would you kiss any of your friends?

All of them!!!!! Well @dysfunctionalgroup and maybe a couple of others who I know wouldn’t take it seriously if I kissed them!

[germanottaisgodxo]

1-102?

ask me stuff !!!🌞☁️🌈

1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood?Some nursery rhymes I guess ?

2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet?I only ever had a budgie when I was about 6, I was scared of him but he was cute

3.) have you ever been drunk?Just the once

4.) have you ever tried drugs?Nah

5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said?Only everything I’ve ever said

6.) have you ever made someone cry?Yeah

7.) has someone ever made you cry?Yeah

8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. Nope, have had really strong feelings for someone for a couple of years though

9.) which came first the chicken or the egg?Chicken 🐓 ?

10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them?I am & yeah

11.) how many siblings do you have?2 older sisters

12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love?Refer back to q 8

13.) are you a good cook?Relatively, not cooked properly in over a year though 😐

14.) what is your favorite tv show?Joint between the Big Bang theory & 8 out of 10 cats (does countdown)

15.) what is the last movie you cried during?I think it was Room ?

16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)Can’t remember its name

17.) do you have a middle name?Nah

18.) have you been out of your country?Yeah, loads of times; not been for 4 years though 😞

19.) are you a chocolate fan or not?Yeah

20.) how many people have you kissed?0

21.) what is your favorite album?Born this way

22.) what is your dream car?No idea, I dunno cars so any that works will do

23.) what is your lucky/favorite number?21

24.) what is your favorite flower?Don’t really have one

25.) books or movies, why?Both in different ways

26.) have you ever been on a blind date?Nah

27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you?Nah

28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends?Yeah

29.) what thing do you symbolize love with?Well there’s different kinds of love so

30.) do you have neat handwriting? Not at all hahaha

31.) do you have a friend with benefits?Nope

32.) do you want a friend with benefits?No

33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be?Assuming this means career wise? Anything to do with teaching

34.) have you ever been blackout drunk?Nope

35.) have you ever met someone famous?I wish

36.) how many concerts have you been to?2

37.) which concerts have you been to?Both were Lady Gaga

38.) do you have a hidden talent?Nope

39.) what do you do when you’re stressed?Cry or sleep

40.) do you think money can buy love?Nope

41.) how old would you date?Ehhh, well I’m nearly 22 so probably not any older than 27/28

42.) have you ever done something illegal?Getting a tattoo underage count 😂?

43.) what is your biggest fear?Losing people I love

44.) what is an unusual fear you have?Lifts, I will climb 45 floors before using one 😂

45.) can you drive?Nah, wish I’d learned to when I was offered lessons at 17

46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures?As in I’m that terrified of them I hope they’re not real ?

47.) do you believe in karma?Nah

48.) what is one quality you need in your partner?Sense of humour

49.) do looks matter?Nope

50.) does size matter?Nope

51.) who is the last person you forgave?Can’t remember? No-one ever fucks me over/treats me like shit; it’s me that does it to other people

52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor?Toffee

53.) what languages can you speak besides english? None

54.) ever been on a plane?Loads of times

55.) ever been on a boat? Yeah

56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? So many people

57.) are there any friendships you regret?Like 95% of my high school ones hahaha

58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make?Not really ?

59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours?Yeah

60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am?Yeah, I’ve went for walks at like 2/3 in the morning before

61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through?Nah

62.) are you scared of rollercoasters?Nah, love them! 63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually?10000000

64.) do you have any plans this weekend?Sleep

65.) do you miss anyone right now?Yeah, quite a few people

66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now?Her, if I wasn’t so terrified to send a message haha

67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be?Mind reader

68.) who is your favorite superhero?None really

69.) are you dirty minded?Very hahaha! (didn’t slip past me that it’s q 69 that asks this 😉)

70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s?Too lazy to think

71.) how many kids, if any, do you want?Ehh 3 or 4, I think

72.) who is your biggest OTP?GX Rivalshipping

73.) what is your favorite food?Pickled onion crisps

74.) do you want to be married one day?I don’t know, maybe

75.) dogs or cats?Cats!! 😸 dogs are sooo overrated

76.) do you drink enough water daily?Yeah

77.) have you ever seen a shooting star?I think I have

78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you?Maybe, idk

79.) how many best friends do you have?If I’m still allowed to call her my best friend then 1

80.) when was the last time you cried?Can’t remember- last week or the week before, I think ?

81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself?No hahaha

82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed?Should hope not haha

83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go?France

84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself?I’d rather not

85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person?I think so ?

86.) what is your favorite season and why?Summer, nice weather & all other seasons are shite

87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it?Nope

88.) do you know how to play any instruments?Nope

89.) do like like falling asleep to music or not?Nah, I can’t cause I just end up listening to the song hahaha

90.) what are you allergic to?Nothing

91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what their life is like?Yeah

92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be?Don’t think I would tbh

93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why?Gaga!! pretty self explanatory haha

94.) are you outgoing?I can be

95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to?Yeah

96.) are you a good flirt?No hahaga

97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down?Yeah to both

98.) which planet is your favorite?This one??

99.) are you superstitious?Not really

100.) are you a good listener? I try to be

101.) are you a good kisser?Well I wouldn’t know haha

102.) would you kiss any of your friends?Nah

Thanks for these! They’re kinda shite cause I’m no in the greatest of moods so sorry for that haha

[sgt-peppersmanager]

Do 1-102 😎😎😎 also you're a super cool human being just thought I'd let you know

OMG! Thank you anon!!💙💙💙

1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood?• Come on Eileen by Dexy Midnight Runners. My aunt played a lot of 80s music for me when I was a kid, and she would sit down and show me music videos from when she was teenager.
2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet? • Yes! Two beagles. Donkey (the name kills me) and Loki. They were brothers.
3.) have you ever been drunk?• Yes, many times. My tolerance is top notch now tho 
4.) have you ever tried drugs?• No actually. 
5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said?• Yes almost everyday.
6.) have you ever made someone cry?• I don’t know if I have actually. 
7.) has someone ever made you cry?• Oh my goodness yes.
8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. • Yes, sadly. Well we were on a sofa in my basement, I was cuddled up in his arms, and we had a Beatles album playing on my record player. The song was And I Love Her, and I honestly can’t remember exactly what he said (funny how things change because I said I would never forget) but it was something along the lines of “haha man this song is how I feel.” Which I kinda ignored cause I figured he didn’t mean that but he said he loved me, I looked at him and said “do you mean that?” And he said “if what I feel for you when I’m with you isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.” And it was that moment where I kinda hit me that I loved that boy all along. Now I hate his guts, again funny how things change. 
9.) which came first the chicken or the egg?• Ted Allen. 
10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them?• Yes! People should be allowed to marry and love who they want regardless of your personal belief! Plus I’m bisexual. 😎
11.) how many siblings do you have?• One older sister and I hate her. 😊
12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love?• Yes? Maybe? Idk. 
13.) are you a good cook?•Yes I’ve been cooking since I was 6. 
14.) what is your favorite tv show?• Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I’m trying to find another show though. Always accepting recommendations 👀
15.) what is the last movie you cried during?• Dead Poet’s Society 
16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)• School Days by The Kinks, Captain Jack by Billy Joel, and High Enough by Damn Yankees cause I’m a fucking dork who heard it after I got my heart broke. 
17.) do you have a middle name?• Elizabeth. Don’t forget the Z, they always forget the z. 
18.) have you been out of your country?• Nope.
19.) are you a chocolate fan or not?• Yes I love dark chocolate and any vegan chocolate. 
20.) how many people have you kissed?• one. 
21.) what is your favorite album?• America’s Least Wanted by Ugly Kid Joe probably. 
22.) what is your dream car?• I always feel so judged when I say what cars I want around my friends, because I know a lot of car enthusiasts. All honesty though I want either an old Chevy camper van because shagwagon amiright, or a hearse like in the Warriors 😂
23.) what is your lucky/favorite number?• 25 or 8
24.) what is your favorite flower?• Roses!!!
25.) books or movies, why?• I love both but I’ll pick movies because I have trouble getting my mind to focus when I read, I’m trying to help myself with that though. 
26.) have you ever been on a blind date?• Nope. 
27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you?• Yes. 
28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends?• Ugh yes. Never again. 
29.) what thing do you symbolize love with?• Death. Eventually its gotta end one way or another. 
30.) do you have neat handwriting? • Nooooo but my cursive is pretty. Not many people know how to read it so I don’t get to use it much 😢
31.) do you have a friend with benefits?• Nope. 
32.) do you want a friend with benefits?• Eh. Depends on the person. 
33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be?• Someone who actually makes a decent living lol 
34.) have you ever been blackout drunk?
• No actually. 35.) have you ever met someone famous?• Nope. 
36.) how many concerts have you been to?• 1, technically 2
37.) which concerts have you been to?• White Reaper. I’ve been to local punk stuff downtown if you want to count that. 
38.) do you have a hidden talent?• Not really. None that I know of. 
39.) what do you do when you’re stressed?• usually lay on my floor and wait for panic attacks to stop and listen to music. 
40.) do you think money can buy love?• well 🎶I don’t care too much for money cause money can’t buy me love 🎵
41.) how old would you date?Well right now the oldest I’ll date is 20 because I’m 17. But when I turn 18 probably date anyone within 10 years of my age, I guess it depends on who it is. 
42.) have you ever done something illegal?• No. i am a perfect innocent little child 😏(lol I’m so full of shit)
43.) what is your biggest fear?• big bodies of water and never escaping my family. 
44.) what is an unusual fear you have?• big bodies of water lol
45.) can you drive?• mhm! 
46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures?• yes!
47.) do you believe in karma?• sometimes????
48.) what is one quality you need in your partner?• sense of humor. 
49.) do looks matter?• eh it’s hard to say because only do you know what you think is “ugly” and what’s “beautiful.” Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 
50.) does size matter?• 👀
51.) who is the last person you forgave?• Gabe
52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor?• Superman, mint chocolate chip, or cookies and cream. But I haven’t found any good vegan substitutes for them 😢
53.) what languages can you speak besides english? • none. 
54.) ever been on a plane?• Yup! 
55.) ever been on a boat? • Yup!
56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? • of course. 
57.) are there any friendships you regret?• YES. 
58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make?• Yesssssssss 
59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours?• Yup…
60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am?• Yup!!!
61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through?• Yes I have. I get sorta sick a lot (hard to explain) and some nights I only sleep 2 hours so I’ve seen a lot of sunrises. 
62.) are you scared of rollercoasters? • depends on the rollercoaster 
63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually?• 9.5 
64.) do you have any plans this weekend?• Sitting in my room working on an art project and hopefully playing guitar and finishing up homework
65.) do you miss anyone right now?• Yes. 
66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now?• Lots of people.
67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be?• Invisibility or mind reading. 
68.) who is your favorite superhero?• Quicksilver, Spider-Man, or Deadpool. Comics are kewl. 
69.) are you dirty minded?• Lol yes. I’m an immature asshole. 
70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s?• 80s - Pretty in Pink by Psychedelic Furs • 90s- Santeria by Sublime or Ironic by Alanis Morissette • 00s - Blue Orchid by The White Stripes 
• 10s - I mean the decade isn’t over yet but digging Judy French by White Reaper a lot. 😎71.) how many kids, if any, do you want?• AGHHHH uhhhh people are gonna freak when I say 3 or 5 but yup. I want a lot. I guess I just wanna have a big happy family for once. 
72.) who is your biggest OTP?• Anastasia and Dimitri
73.) what is your favorite food?• Guacamole 
74.) do you want to be married one day?• Yes. 
75.) dogs or cats?• Both. 
76.) do you drink enough water daily?• 100 oz every damn day baby
77.) have you ever seen a shooting star?• yes only once. 
78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you?• I would but not alone. 
79.) how many best friends do you have?• idk really. 
80.) when was the last time you cried?
• few minutes ago lol 81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself?•no actually. 
82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed?• yes. 
83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go?• Europe. 
84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself?• Total Fuck Up. 
85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person?• yes. I usually don’t leave unless you’re a shitty person to me or someone else. 
86.) what is your favorite season and why?• Fall and Winter cause sweaters, hot food, warm drinks, cuddles 
87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it?• Yes but not in a romantic sense. I say it to my family all the time. 
88.) do you know how to play any instruments?• yes! Guitar. 
89.) do you like falling asleep to music or not?• Depends on the night I’m having, but usually yes. 
90.) what are you allergic to?• Cats, I have seasonal allergies, and rabbits
91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like?• Yes. 
92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be?• Probably Charlie from Always Sunny because it just seems like an adventure. Lol
93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why?• Nick Cave because we both have similar artistic visions and mind sets. 
94.) are you outgoing?• sometimes! 
95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to?• Ugh yes. 
96.) are you a good flirt?• I’ve been told I am by many, but I don’t think so. 
97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down?• Yes to both. 
98.) which planet is your favorite?
• Neptune or Saturn. 99.) are you superstitious?• Yes. 
100.) are you a good listener? • I like to think so! I don’t always have good advice but I try my best to be there and help. 
101.) are you a good kisser• I’ve been told I “make it difficult to walk after"👀 I honestly don’t know if that’s good or not. So yes???? I guess???? I can’t really kiss myself. 
102.) would you kiss any of your friends?• Sure. Almost kissed a few actually, and I always tell them when I almost do and why I almost did because I feel the need to lol.