#i want ot be a PERSON
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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Isn't it fun how everyone saw what terrified them most, but Nya's was so "unbelievable" that she broke out instantly? She was shown the one thing that was supposed to terrify her, make her spiral. But of course it wasn't real. It's Jay. If there's one thing she never once doubted, its that Jay is absolutely smitten, so of course he'd never forget her. What a silly thing to think, to be afraid of. She went through so damn much for this boy, and him for her, and we know how she is. Wouldn't it be petrifying if all that work, all that emotional turmoil, that clawing for love, could be forgotten just like that? Its quite a feat, really, that she can finally be confident in knowing such a fear is irrational.
It was easy to break free from such a place. It was only ever meant to scare her, and she has nothing to be afraid of. Right?
#ninjago#ninjago dragons rising#dragons rising#lego ninjago#lego ninjago dragons rising#nya#ninjago nya#jay walker#ninjago jay#text post#dragons rising s2#oh its going to be horrific when they find jay i want it SO BAD#nya is going to spiral. she is going to hit a new mental health low#HERES THE BEST PART#isnt it horrifying. when the only other person who remembers a time that never existed#a time when wishes should never have come true#forgets all of it? there were only two of you in the entire world who remembered that timeline#you could say nothing ot anyone else. but you could speak to them. could share it all#when the nightmares came and shaking from memories. there was someone to know and comfort#and now its all gone. its all forgotten. theres nothing. its only you. just you.#no one will ever know what happened to you#wouldnt that fck you up every which way to sunday. when the nightmares exist only to you#if theres only you to ever whisper about pirates. did it even happen? can you prove it?#nya is going to crumple into DUST. no happiness for any of them
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it's so hard to take star wars seriously nowadays because i'll watch someone get skewered by a lightsaber and then somehow walk it off with a bacta patch and a slap on the ass. like you're telling me a weapon that can carve furrows into foot-thick solid durasteel doors, dripping melted slag in its wake, when applied to the flesh of a sentient being leaves behind nothing more than superficial damage. like be so ffr. "it cauterizes the wound instantly" this is not a little cut. this is not minor burns. you were IMPALED BY A BEAM OF PLASMA. your ORGANS have been COOKED. your BLOOD has BOILED. your BONES were INCINERATED. what are you TALKING ABOUTTTTTT
#personal#I CANNOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY#you do not grow up with the OT and the PT watching people get cut down instantly and then just#GESTURES FURIOUSLY AT THE MULTIPLE INSTANCES OF PEOPLE GETTING A LIGHTSABER THROUGH THE GUT#AND JUST WALKING IT OFF!!!!!!!! SOMETIMES RIGHT AFTER THE FACT!!!!!!!!!!!!#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN#WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT#i tried desperately to justify it in the ST movies because rey was established as having like#anakin-levels of force bullshit so why not. i mean anakin couldn't force heal for shit but whatever.#it's not like him having the ability to force heal would've neatly sidestepped the MAIN CONFLICT OF EPISODE 3 OR ANYTHING#STILL MADE MY EYEBROWS RAISE WHEN SHE HEALED KYLO. BUT I TRIED TO LOOK PAST IT. OUT OF GOOD FAITH. MOSTLY DESPERATION.#BUT WHAT! DO! YOU! MEAN!!!!! THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WALK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMPALEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY LIGHTSABER!!!!!!!!!!#ON THE REGULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I GUESS QUI GON DYING WAS A FUCKING. SKILL ISSUE????????#????????????????????????#i need to go lie down.#dont talk 2 me about maul coming back in tcw it's an old wound i refuse to examine#''but in legends—'' i put my hand over your mouth so lovingly. No. <3#i love star wars SO MUCH but they need 2 stop impaling people on lightsabers if they dont want them to be dead#LOP OFF A LIMB INSTEAD#okay im done. thank u for letting me yell it's all out of my system now#im back on the ''i love star wars'' train again <33
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People trying to "solve" the star wars prequels are always so fucking stupid. The whole point of Anakin is that he's a villain. If you're trying to find a reason to explain why he's not actually the bad guy, you've already lost the plot, because have you seen the fucking movies? That's the whole point of him!
#red rambles#don't even understand why you would consider yourself an anakin fan if you want him to be the protagonist and not darth vader personally#we can talk about whether or not the Jedi failed him but the minute you start saying that i can't talk bad about him or say that he did#anything wrong you have to go back and rewatch the OT. ok? for me?#like yeah sure there were issues with the way that he grew up. yeah sure the Jedi order wasn't good for him. but also the guy did like. so#much murder. like he killed a lot of people. my boy got really good at killing kids. like. he's still the villain.
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BATTLE HARDENED [OC]
I'm really bad at drawing anything related to the specific scenes I have in my mind… same for this. but basically I saw all my friends having fun torturing their ocs and decided I wanted to try it. And now she has infested my brain. Meet Astreya!
Astreya's a jedi who survived order 66 (shocker I know) and went on to become a bounty hunter later in her life to keep her identity hidden. As a child soldier during the Clone Wars, she would risk everything to help others. But after a lifetime of being hunted, back-stabbed, and abandoned, she's become ruthless and always looks out for herself first.
Her story was crafted by thinking to myself, what is the worst possible thing that can happen to her next? And then I do that. It isn't woven too tightly with the events of the original/prequel trilogies, that is most of the canon characters don't play a particularly strong role in her life, so I can just have fun with it and have her show up whenever I want.
But it also means the story I've crafted for her can basically be reused and I've been cooking up a way to set her in her own original universe, so I don't want to give the entire thing away just yet! But I am hoping both iterations of her can exist simultaneously.
#star wars#Star wars fanart#star wars oc#sw ot#sw pt#jedi oc#digital art#SW Astreya#solarroseart#also I ignore the sequel trilogy so after the events of the OT and the mandalorian I can do whatever the hell I want yippee!#sorry I haven’t seen ahsoka#personal best
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#supernatural#destiel#web weaving#OT#This made more sense in my head but#they make me want to rip my insides out and give them to the person I love#and also eat glass at the same time#they are the definition of The Blueprint for me#in honor of tmrw here's this#dean winchester#deancas#castiel#spn#dean x castiel
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⚠️ WARNING ⚠️
Heart rate has reached dangerous levels❗️
Initiating culling procedures.👁️🗨️
#Nyxus#Doe1#ebonytailsart#did you know that ‘nyxus’ is censored on roblox bevause of the xus part. what the hell#anyway i love you horror boy#i want to get more horror images drawn for him so my first art of him was this of course#copy pasted from twitter? :#I wanted to try drawing Nyxus’s “Tunnel Mode”#which is almost like a “second stage” boss form if you were looking at it from a game perspective#But this is what happens when his system reaches its limit (like getting overwhelmed with information)#which tales a LOT to get to#Shakes you shales you do you understand. that I need to draw him and keep working on his story#im going to get a carrd pro lite subscription after jan 28 bevause im so crazy i need to add every secret and lore into his carrd#ive already made so much progress and i hit carrd limits TWICE on two different sites#i cut his site into two just to get past ot and i still failed#(spins in a circle)#from kris p#i like this a lot so im posting it to main and then ill move it to my personal blog
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Ughughugh so busy at day-job. T_T So busy it eats into free time... just doing my best to keep my head above water!
#personal#wanted to do more art things and work on comms but I had to do some some OT last night/early am....#so close to being caught up on one side then you get sideswiped on the other
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okay so someone reblogged my post (about how din and luke are so desperately touch starved and how they find comfort within one another and slowly banish the loneliness away with one another’s touch) and made a comment about how they don’t see luke as touch starved because he was never really isolated from his family and gives and receives touch very easily and like no hate cause i love that idea as well, in fact i absolutely agree- luke grew up in a very loving family that showed him that affection openly- a hug from beru before she’d go to bed, a fond ruffle of the hair from owen after he’d scraped his knee- touch and connection clearly mean a lot to him. we can see it in anh and esb how freely and easily he uses touch with those around him- the group hug with han and leia after the victory of the trench run, putting a friendly hand on chewies shoulder and letting himself get pulled into an embrace, his arm around leia as they stare out the viewport. luke is a tactile person. no doubt. but that’s also how we know he’s changed when we get to rotj and he’s noticeably less so. that’s how we can see how reserved he’s become, taking on a mantle of stoicism he’s not fully comfortable with yet, but wears anyways. war and loss has changed him. he’s still kind, still luke, just less free with his touch and joy- and with that i can’t help but go back to my thoughts on my first post about him being touch starved, because is it not even more understandable and heartbreaking that he is so? luke, a person who clearly craves and reaches out for touch, suddenly devoid of it? it makes his loneliness so much for profound, him suddenly distanced from his sister and friends after the war, all of them going their own ways, living their own lives. there is no aunt and uncle to go home to. no father or master, just his texts. the force. and how, for so long after that, that is just how he lives, a random touch on the arm or hug from leia every now and then, but the comfort and ease of touch he’d once had as a young man is gone. and how, once he meets din, he finally gets to have that part of himself back. the part that can indulge and reach for that comfort and need to have someone close. heal his touch starved soul in such a beautiful way and remind him that after all of it, all the war and fighting and isolation that he did not choose but found himself in, luke deserves the touch he so craves.
#star wars#luke skywalker#dinluke#this isn’t a vague post or hate to that person or anything i just saw those tags and went-#‘okay BUT’#ajshjdhdjf#because i myself and a person who was raised very tactile and loves touch and connection but have found myself without any for some time now#and i really do see luke as the same#with everything we see in the ot#and the deep angst and intimacy of a person who wants touch but has been without it FINALLY finding someone who offers them some???#that’s dinluke to the very CORE baybeee
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Yayayakan made a character sheet for the still nameless little sister OC! Don’t be fooled though, she may be sweet on the outside but she’s actually quite distant to most people.
Edit: wrong blog but I guess I’ll keep it 😂
#im still flipflopping on ages but shes definitely at least 20#deliberately cute characters hiding something is fun~#im debating on the name Thérèse because my JRPG brain is like ‘yeah thats a normal name to call an anime girl. drop it.’#im not a two-toned hair kind of person buuuuut i think ive been won over bc its quite nice#also yes this design is different to the one in my header but 😅 i didnt have strict references yet and wanted choices#vca#ot
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If Dragons Rising erases Pixal from existence I’ve decided its because they knew she would be too powerful. Imperium’s whole thing is using tech for evil reasons, you think Pixal wouldn’t blow the place up from the inside in, what, a month? You think she wouldn’t hear about how technologically superior Imperium boasts themselves to be and immediately crack her knuckles and decide she was going to upstage them as dramatically as physically possible? You think she wouldn’t try to show them what REAL advanced tech looked like? Beatrix would want her dead on sight by the second week.
And, also, y’know, Pixal has, like, the weakest morals out of everyone on the team. Zane’s a close second after the whole Never Realm thing, but Pixal gives no shits about being the bigger or better person. Imperium has insulted her, insulted her fathers ideals on being kind to tech, and is also just a massive bitch. Get in the Samurai suit loser, we’re toppling a monarchy.
#ninjago#ninjago dragons rising#dragons rising#pixal#pixal borg#imperium#empress beatrix#zane#headcanons#ideas#text post#talk#lego ninjago#pixal ninjago#lego dragons rising#pixal would put the gearshift to full throttle without a moments hesitation she wants to KILL#pixal doesnt even care on a moral standpoint bc ot the dragon capture at first shes just offended and insulted by their very existance#she takes one look at imperium and how great they think there are and just silently narrows her eyes with murderous intent#'i could do better in a week' 'pixal NO'#arin is extremely wary of her. sora thinks shes the coolest person alive#partially because pixal will go on rants about how imperium is such a HACK that they needed to steal a CHILDS TECH PROJECT#to be even CLOSE enough to fight the ninja. pixal calls that some weak puss sht get down from that ivory tower of zero intelligence & FIGHT#pixal must constantly be held back from challenging literally all of imperium to a tech-off. all of their puny mechanics vs her#listen zanes finally not dead this time around and was part of the main party pretty quickly literally What Else is she supposed to do now
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*lies down* I just had the cringest fucking idea and I don't know if I wanna be that cringe but I could easily make it happen so I'm like what if
SO...
I wasn't going to say anything for professional reasons but I voice act a little on the side (extremely small time)
And I literally live in delulu-land where I'm like 'I CAN VOICE ALL MY OWN CHARACTERS!' (not really, I wouldn't cast me for a lot of them actually but shhh)
So I'm like
*lies down* how cringe would it be to make a little back and forth between Iris and the boys with me reading Iris and using already available voice clips for the dudes....
Idk bro that's pretty cringe but do we care past this point
Thoughts????
#also i will say part of the reason i never bring it up is cause 1) wanna voice in a sad panda thing#2) don't want my voice gigs tied to fandon stuff (i like having a seperation between my personal life and professional life)#and 3) also sure tying my fandon shenangians in with my professional attempts would get me black listed XD#though i will say i doubt I'm getting cast in a sad panda thing anytime soon XD#but on god i think if i did this and anyone is casting anywhere found ot/recognized my voice I'd DIE#not that i haven't voiced cringe shit before CAUSE LAWD I HAVE#but this close to a thing i regularly sumbit auditions for????#might be playing too close to the sun or whatever
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Question to non-crocheters:
Can you notice how many different stitch types are in this?
I ask because I'm using different stitches for certain parts of my tallit to stand out, but I'm curious how noticable it is to a relatively untrained eye, since I feel other crocheters might have a leg up over you - if you see any differences, I'm curious what you see!
#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#tallit#this has (so far) taken me over eight hours which you still can't tell just by looking at the whole thing#this is a very zoomed-in picture to hopefully make ot easier to spot#unfortunately i am detail-oriented and i'm sure none of this will be vosible to most people especially when i wear it (g-d willing)#i always want an excuse to post this project. can you blame me. the cost alone is going to be absurd#this piece is about the size of seven whales (that are 90ft long). and i'm not even 10% done i imagine#americans will use anything but the metric system btw it's true <3#i'm just interested in how non-crocheters look at crocheted items because i now look at crocheted things WILDLY different#hell i even look at knit so differently even though i Don't knit. i look at all fiberarts different now though...#shalom crafts
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I managed to survive the double shift 🙌🙌🙌
Now time to go home and get ready for the party (or crashing on my bed)
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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Hey being aroace is already so hard to describe and explain
#me saying that i want this mystical partner that will pretty much just be my friend but its kinda official but im not even that eager to#get that#especially when im in an environment where i have many friends now who wont just up and leave and eho actually value my wellbeing#i don't need a qpr or a relationship or whatever rn at all#sorry this is so hard to explain i feel like i made a mess of this person's head now#because i have this image of a relationship id like to be in and intold them about it#but it's like#not something i WANT right noe#now*#its not something i need ot even strive for its just something i think would be nice to have in the vague fantasy of a future i like to#imagine for myself#and now i get told thatnhey this other friend of mine who i love very much has a similar view of a relationship so we should get together#as if that would be any different#they are not even aroace byw#idk man#this is a mess#ughsnjdjs#the experience of being aroace in a society that doesn't get it at all is pretty much impossible to define i think. honestly
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