#this isn’t a vague post or hate to that person or anything i just saw those tags and went-

[foggysirens]

okay so someone reblogged my post (about how din and luke are so desperately touch starved and how they find comfort within one another and slowly banish the loneliness away with one another’s touch) and made a comment about how they don’t see luke as touch starved because he was never really isolated from his family and gives and receives touch very easily and like no hate cause i love that idea as well, in fact i absolutely agree- luke grew up in a very loving family that showed him that affection openly- a hug from beru before she’d go to bed, a fond ruffle of the hair from owen after he’d scraped his knee- touch and connection clearly mean a lot to him. we can see it in anh and esb how freely and easily he uses touch with those around him- the group hug with han and leia after the victory of the trench run, putting a friendly hand on chewies shoulder and letting himself get pulled into an embrace, his arm around leia as they stare out the viewport. luke is a tactile person. no doubt. but that’s also how we know he’s changed when we get to rotj and he’s noticeably less so. that’s how we can see how reserved he’s become, taking on a mantle of stoicism he’s not fully comfortable with yet, but wears anyways. war and loss has changed him. he’s still kind, still luke, just less free with his touch and joy- and with that i can’t help but go back to my thoughts on my first post about him being touch starved, because is it not even more understandable and heartbreaking that he is so? luke, a person who clearly craves and reaches out for touch, suddenly devoid of it? it makes his loneliness so much for profound, him suddenly distanced from his sister and friends after the war, all of them going their own ways, living their own lives. there is no aunt and uncle to go home to. no father or master, just his texts. the force. and how, for so long after that, that is just how he lives, a random touch on the arm or hug from leia every now and then, but the comfort and ease of touch he’d once had as a young man is gone. and how, once he meets din, he finally gets to have that part of himself back. the part that can indulge and reach for that comfort and need to have someone close. heal his touch starved soul in such a beautiful way and remind him that after all of it, all the war and fighting and isolation that he did not choose but found himself in, luke deserves the touch he so craves.

[gay-dorito-dust]

Hey I saw your post and honestly this is my first time making a request. How about arcane characters with a cat like reader? Idk it's just a thought that came (sorry if that's a bit weird)

Dunno whether this answers your request like you imagined. Also probs shit fire time writing for some of these characters.

Viktor found your cat like personality quite interesting and humorous if he wasn’t within the lab, working with things that normally didn’t capture your interest, unless they glowed of course.

Other than that it felt as though you were intentionally acting up in his lab for a reaction, like a cat would gauge the reactions of their owners before pushing a glass off the table. That’s how Viktor often felt with you

Then he has to keep an eye on you to make sure you didn’t touch anything dangerous because you were captivated by its light.

‘No, it’s dangerous and could hurt you my dear.’ He so often warms you as he guides your hand away when he felt it was dangerously close to what he was working with. Your mind didn’t head his warning, only the fact that there was a shinny object in the laboratory and it was the only thing you could focus on.

‘If so dangerous, why is it shining as though it wants me to touch it then?’ You responded, daring to touch the object once more and Viktor swore you either knew what you were doing and playing him for a fool, or you had no self preservation skills within your entire body to fight back against your urge to touch a dangerous foreign object.

It’s literally a stand still between the two of you and one that happens far too often that Viktor knows that this was all part of your plan, and unfortunately for him he falls for it almost always. He watches you while you watch him before doing something rash, making think you’ve actually touched the dangerous object, only to look at you unamused when you smiled at him mischievously as you wiggled your unharmed fingers at him.

This often leads you to being banned from the lab for pulling a stunt like that, however this was more for your safety and for him to calm his racing heart. You’ll kill this poor man with your antics but he wouldn’t want you any other way, especially when you cuddled up to him for warmth and sleep there.

It soothes him just as much as it soothes you.

Ekko found himself often wondering where it was you went sometimes.

He sees you in once place and then you disappear the next, returning to base only when you felt it necessary of you to do so, illusive and vague of where you’ve been it was often a bit frustrating. You could’ve been in serious danger for all he was aware and when he confronts you about this behaviour of yours, you’d only shrug and say:

‘Where it is a go on my own time isn’t something you should waste time worrying over.’ Before leaving to go elsewhere within the base and lounge against one of the trees thick and sturdy branches, eyes closed in content as you softly drift off into a light nap.

How the fuck you got up there, he’ll never know other than the fact that you managed to get up there in the first place with effortless ease.

Ekko’s nickname for you was either kitty or something along the lines of a cat based pun. You hated all of them equally but Ekko only feels more vindicated when you only proven his perception of you right whenever you displayed a trait that was common amongst cats. Whether that’d be silently judging everyone from your perch way up high, or lounging in his bed, more specifically where he had laid moments prior, feeding off of the warmth that lingered there or otherwise Ekko would find humour in you cat like traits because they were the things he loved the most.

(In a timeline where they actually have phones I can imagine him sending you cat memes and saying ‘this you?’ Or ‘I found your relative’ he thinks he’s funny, and he is but you won’t admit it out of petty pride)

However the one thing that you could always hold over Ekko’s head was the fact that you could silently manoeuvre your way into a room without him knowing and managing to catch him off guard. Ekko didn’t find it particularly funny but he lets up eventually and admits that it was kinda funny that you managed to take him by surprise. This was why you were more suited to missions heavily requiring a person with an abundance of stealth and agility.

‘Always landing on your feet aren’t you?’ He’d tease but you would let it slid as you shrugged your shoulders and reply. ‘What can I say? It kinda comes with the territory don’t you think?’

‘You sure you weren’t a cat in your past life or something?’ She would ask as she raised a brow at you as you cuddled into her side, much like a cat would when in they wanted to leech off is the warmth of a human.

‘No, why you ask?’ You say as you began to close your eyes, her warmth blanketing you almost immediately, and becoming increasingly sleepy.

‘You act like one for starters with how lazy you are.’ She pointed out and you’d only scoff at her, resting your head on her shoulder, having become too comfortable with your current position to even be bothered to move.

‘I’m not lazy, I’m merely taking advantage of the beauty that is power naps.’ You defend yourself and it was Sevika’s turn to scoff, having heard this excuse countless times before, and it never stopped her from continuing to compare your personality to that of a common house cat.

She disliked it at first, finding it weird and annoying at the fact that you didn’t seem all that bothered with the ongoings of Zaun, instead favouring to rest in high places that provided warmth or close to it and watching everyone with clear judgement within your eyes. However that judgment did end up saving her from time to time, not that she’d ever admit to this, as she was confident in her own abilities to smell a bitch from a mile away.

Though the more as time passed she grew to find it somewhat easier to deal with, though you cuddling up to her for warmth did put her off now and then, affection wasn’t commonplace in Zaun; so forgive her for not exactly taking to it immediately. Though each time you did cuddle into her side, her urge to create distance between you dwindled, from Perivale shoving you away from her, to slowly accepting that this was her life now.

‘Sure, that’s a hell of a way to avoid saying that you’re lazy.’ Sevika smirks when you glared at her, clearly insulted by this, before moving off of her to go rest elsewhere on the bed you shared and making sure your back was towards her in an effort to show your disagreement with her statement. ‘Not. Lazy. I just like napping.’ You retorted.

‘Yeah, sure keep telling yourself that, I’m sure it’ll be true one day.’ Sevika jokes and your shoulders only deflate more, knowing you’ll never win this war with Sevika when her mind is made up. She’s always in the right in most cases.

Mel is all too familiar with your cat like traits that nothing you do is out of the ordinary to her.

She finds humour and amusement in you participating in things commonly associated with felines. A human cat is what you were in her eyes as you slept the easiest you’ve ever slept when besides her, her presence was calming and was more then enough to have you reduced to a relaxed state before succumbing to sleep.

She just had that effect on you and you loved it as much as she does as she got to run her hand down your back.

‘You’re practically purring.’ She teases.

‘It’s not my fault you know exactly what makes me melt.’ You replied as you smiled up at her, never having gotten use to having this absolute goddess of a woman bless you with her smile, her heart, her everything.

Mel smiles softly. ‘You don’t exactly made it much of a challenge.’ She says as she watched the way you practically leaned in towards her touch, eyes closed in content with a smile spread across your face that she swore your nonexistent tail would be swishing from side to side. She has been in this position countless times before and yet it never gets old with how content she felt when moments like these between you and her freely exist within her mind.

You don’t exactly make it hard for her not to love you like she did, it came to you as easy a breathing as that’s how quick you were to fall for her, almost as if it was as though you were breathing; Easy, effortlessly and natural.

‘How can I when you read me so effortlessly and without fail?’ You replied back in almost a purr, a mischievous smile spread wide across your lips, ‘I shouldn’t need to hide myself from my lovers eyes, for she knows me all too well.’ You add. Another thing Mel adored was your cunning but cautious mind and the way you seemed oddly too relaxed for some, watching those very same individuals like they were merely mouses that squeaked about their freedom; like you were being amused by rather was being said in meetings as though you knew something they didn’t.

You were like the Cheshire Cat, often times speaking in riddles that only she herself understands.

Mel kisses the tip of your nose. ‘You smile like the cat that caught the canary,’ she says as she pulls away. ‘Learning more about you is more interesting and intriguing than the last.’

‘Then I hope I stay that way for a long while.’ You said, smirking when you felt her kiss your lips.

[synthetickitsune]

omg i woke up and saw your post about requests and came running!! you alr know i need all the angst in my life so can i please req dk + come back to me if he hurts you” 🥺🫶🏻

thx for helping me realize i write mostly angst for sunshine boy and continuing the tradition 🫶🏻 akjddsk

DK (SVT) | “Come back to me if he hurts you.” angst | 0.7k | gn!reader

He stares at you, processing. It feels - well, there’s no way to put how it feels. His chest is hollow. He has no parallel to draw, so he just… stares.

The information shouldn’t come as a surprise. He’s heard through the grapevine that you began dating again. Honestly, should he even care? He does. But should he? Does he have any right to care? The split was amicable, mutual. Friendly even. You’re friends still. You seem happy. He’s genuinely happy that you are happy, so why…

“Seok? Are you alright?” your panicked voice and slowly approaching hand make him wake up and flinch away. He feels his face soften from whatever grimace he was making upon seeing your hurt expression.

“Sorry, yeah,” he clears his throat, “I’m alright. Uh, so things are good, yeah?”

He tries hard to ignore your face morphing into a mask of indifference.

“Yeah, things are good,” you repeat.

The silence that follows is awkward and stretches on. He wants to break it but he has no idea how.

“This was a mistake, wasn’t it?” you laugh, but it sounds empty as you hide your face in your hands, “I don’t know why I told you.”

“Hey,” he protests way too quickly and his hand immediately shoots to your shoulder, and he pulls it back just as quickly. You turn towards him and frown. It’s unusual to see him so serious. “I want you to tell me. You’re my friend.”

Your smile is sad. He hates it.

“We’re more than that, Min,” you sigh. It’s quiet again and he’s just as helpless.

“I guess I want to tell you everything - would that be cruel?” you meet his eyes again, but all he sees is the anxious way you fidget with a loose thread on your pants, “I guess I just want to know if you think we’ll work out. You’re the one who’d be the best judge of that.”

“I’m the worst one to be the judge of that,” he corrects you, his voice slipping into his comedic persona easily, “Seeing how things turned out.”

You do laugh and some of the unpleasant feelings lift off his shoulders. He doesn’t know what would be the best or most appropriate thing to say next. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel. All he knows is he has to start talking or this will be very pathetic very soon.

“I’m really happy for you, sorry,” he smiles, blinking away some of the moisture in his eyes, “I don’t know why this-” he motions vaguely to his face, “Happened.”

You chuckle, but looking at you, your eyes are wet too. 

“I get it,” you nod, “I’m so scared it’ll end wrong again.”

He sighs. As if he didn’t know the feeling intimately well. 

“Did-” he stops himself before he can finish, thinking better of it, but you push for it anyway. “Did I do something? Something so bad it makes you afraid now?”

“Oh god, Min, no,” you rush to reassure him and end up grabbing his hand in both of yours. You bite your lit. This isn’t exactly how you expected the talk to go. “If anything you loved me too well. So I’m afraid I won’t feel love like that again. Or that I’ll fuck up and lose it.”

“You couldn’t ever fuck up like that,” he laughs - the idea alone is so ridiculous, “Because you’re the kind of person nobody would want to lose.”

You shake your head, leaning into him with a laugh. He’s warm against your side. It feels comfortable. Comfortable like it used to feel even before you dated, like it did when you were together too. You missed being this comfortable with Seokmin after the breakup. 

Things change, but maybe they don’t need to be all that different. You have too much history to let go. And all of it is good - as much as humanly possible.

“Come back to me if he hurts you,” he outstretches his pinky to you. You huff, but there’s a wobbly grin on your face anyway when you promise with your own.

“You got it, Min.”

[cozymochi]

Hello hello, hope you're having a good day :DD

i wanted to know more about your OCs, more specifically, what Nyoka and Emilio were doing in Book 2 and Book 4?

Was Nyoka against Leona whole plan or didn't care? Was Emilio aware of Jamil's plans?

(thank u 🥺)

BOOK 2 NYOKA: Nyoka did not care (…p-positive). Leona just respects Nyoka’s space and vice versa, so whatever brouhaha Leona cooks up for #reasons, that’s none of Nyoka’s business as far as he’s concerned, but it was probably utterly brilliantly executed 👍 as expected from a Housewarden who truly embodies the spirit of the King of Beasts. Nyoka is more of a benchwarmer for Spelldrive anyway.

…Also he believes Leona can do no wrong ever—

BOOK 4 EMILIO: WELL… refer to this post about his signature spell/unique magic first AND SINCE I CANT HYPERLINK FOR SOME REASON IT HAS TO GO RIGHT HERE all ugly:

On a random day, Kalim thought it would be quirky to ask Emilio if his upcoming winter break would be extra fun this year. Breaking the “1 question 1 answer, and no more” rule towards asking about his future. And for something SO inconsequential and innocuous? How absurd and wasteful. But, anything for the beloved housewarden (<- sarcastic, Emilio does not care for Kalim that much, but he greatly prefers being in his favor for vanity reasons). Kalim isn’t really too concerned about the future anyway, so this was just a fun thing to try out and super cool and based and etc.

Emilio saw one vague possible future where Kalim is acting out and winter break is rather chaotic as a result. Anything regarding the future with Emilio will only net him potential outcomes, but any one of them will happen. So no, no fun to be had, just turmoil. (Note, since folk will misinterpret: He does not see the definitive events of Book 4 itself. Just that Kalim will not “have fun” and that the turmoil involves him.)

Kalim finds the answer a bit unsettling but laughs it off ultimately. Good thing the future is never set in stone. He’ll just make sure to have a lot of fun anyway!

And Emilio, being a freaking fleeing coward, used that smidgeon of knowledge he learned + Kalim’s “flip flopping” behavior lately to determine that something bad was potentially about to occur to basically get permission to dip from school not long before winter break even started. He went to the Headmage and lied about having a “dire family emergency” and that he just HAD to leave. Even used crocodile tears, a sob story and everything being the great actor he is (and Crowley orobably just relenting because bro was annoying and he’s just so kind and magnanimous).

So the bastard wasn’t even there for the events of Book 4 at all. 💀 He was just chilling at home. (and doing absentee assignments.)

So, did Emilio know about Jamil’s plans? No. I’ll give it a no for specifics as he didn’t know it was Jamil behind Kalim’s behavior and was hypnotizing him. Just that things were not gonna be great during the break and he didn’t want to be there for whatever it was.

I’m too fatigued to draw a doodle for this portion. So it’s only wall of text and I can only hope my point was made. 😔 This is a REALLY OLD concept, tbh. And I’m not personally sure if I even jive with the outline. It’s less complicated than it looks written out. But it is very Estéban Elena of Avalor coded to be an asshole and abandon people to save his own skin so maybe I’m just being picky.

So you can only imagine bro coming back to Scarabia only to find everyone and their mom hates Jamil. (Dw Kalim fills him in later when he stages that dorm meeting we see a glimpse of in Book 5)

[velvetvexations]

incredible, i just saw a reblog of that "transfem headcanons are always better and sometimes transmasc headcanons actively make the text worse and more hateful" by someone i followed. funny to see discussions arguing against the post before seeing the post itself, otherwise i would have unthinkingly internalized it and felt like shit without knowing why. anyway, i unfollowed that person now. to make it worse, op tore into someone for claiming that chihiro from danganronpa is an exception and better read as transmasc... the irony is insane. yet another example besides miquella that would make the story more boring and maybe worse if transfem.

it's so disgustingly petty lmao

a lot of transfem headcanons are reaches, often "this is literally a man magically trapped in the body of a woman and he hates it and desperately keeps trying to go back to being a man" and it's FINE to headcanon characters however you want but since some people can't conceptualize being a woman as anything other than something they wish would happen to them they take characters like that and hiss if you go near them

i get the sense that there's a very specific, narrow demographic of transfems who used to buy into that reddit guy "being a hot 22-year-old girl must be like having 10 billion dollars" attitude and never really let it go. thus the fixation on "AFAB privilege". isee a similar mix of resentment and attraction from lesbian TERFs, though it comes from a different origin. and it's an attitude that can slide easily into TERFism even for cis men--just look at tatsuya ishida!

If anything the idealization of femininity a small minority of transfems exhibit when they complain endlessly about how good trans people AFAB have it would come more from dysphoria and the grass being greener on the other side. "An AFAB trans person will immediately revert to being an innocent little girl to hurl sexual assault accusations at trans women," however, is really concerning!

Regarding whether "binary privilege" exists, i am once again on my hands and knees begging people to actually look at the statistics. The US Transgender Survey and Cohnting Ourselves (from Aotearoa) are right there. And they both show that all trans people are about as badly off as each other regardless of their specific gender. Yes, there are some ways in which being nonbinary is particularly hard, such as not having a social role to fit into, I'm not denying any of that, but if you're going to call being binary a "privilege" then there needs to be a visible whole-group effect for binary people compared to nonbinary people. And there isn't one when you look at the numbers.

It's not really about non-binary people having it flat worse, more just situational complexities.

The thing about even discussing privilege (binary privilege in this case) is that so many people talk as if to have privilege means to inherently have privilege Over someone else. Like is it an advantage for me to be vaguely binary alligned enough sometimes to have a legal gender marker that is moderately less dysphoria inducing when some people are equally harmed by either? (Tbf I live in a state where x is an option, I simply do not feel safe with that 😵‍💫 (tho that does not help when nothing else other than state id accepts it)) like yeah it's a privilege but it's not privilege Over someone. It does not make me an oppressor or mean I am causing harm, which is a thing many people seem to believe, about various forms of privilege

That's a very good point, anon.

I suppose this isn’t how others I’ve seen think about it but. I’ve always just understood that you can be oppressed for being trans without your gender being affirmed. Like. The bigots understand you’re trans but that doesn’t make them think of you as your gender it makes them think of you as trans. Misgendering is such a huge part of what transphobes do and I’ve never once assumed they were like. Lying about seeing trans people that way. I don’t get acting like transphobes can see our, as you put it, soul gender.

It makes people feel better.

[nights-at-crystarium]

Fragments - episodes 19-22 author notes

You can find similar breakdown posts on older episodes in my pinned!

Obligatory ShB spoiler warning.

First off, the two panels that took a silly amount of time just because I wanted to reflect Vivi’s impressions on the city.

Episodes 18, 19, 20 open up with Vivi being concerned with the most pressing matters:

Can’t fight if you ain’t pretty (or got just 1-2 outfits to be pretty in, that won’t do either)

I still really like the panel above, especially their pose. Episodes 19-22 show how they gradually get rid of physical boundaries. They didn’t even touch back when they first met (episode 15).

Vivi’s casual about physical affection with friends, just one of his core things.

Of course Vivi would trust and choose the company of a pixie, a supernatural being, over a (presumably) human who only reinforces Vivi’s worst opinions on humanity at that point in time, concealing himself and swimming in secrets. Get rekt nerd.

At least Vivi isn’t openly hostile, just.. Dismissive? I saw some other WoLs who outright hate Exarch for abducting the Scions and almost getting themselves, the WoL, killed at Ghimlyt Dark. Vivi, however, just wants to be left alone.

Tfw the love of your life is being stolen by your dear friend. Or vice versa? Or both at the same time? Anyway, Vivi and Feo Ul form a new cool kids' club and Exarch isn't invited.

Can't relax in your favorite secluded spot for a godsdamned moment without some pesky dragoon randomly popping out of nowhere.

While I hc Exarch being able to sense living presence around the Tower, imagine doing that 24/7 for every person. I like to think that he learned to filter it out, turn off/on at will. And while he's in a public place, with his glamour up, he doesn't need to upkeep the "radar", he's just chilling and is possibly lost in thoughts, and that's why Vivi startles him.

This scene bears more symbolic meaning than plot importance. And, uh, some foreshadowing? Forelighting? x'D While Vivi doesn’t fall (heh) for his savior, he’ll reflect upon this at a later time.

Vivi’s normally careful and stately. Yes he’s an elf but he do be carryin’ himself like a cat. There’s a lot of control and assertion behind his trademark nonchalant posture. So, NORMALLY, this wouldn’t happen. Maybe he got distracted by the shiny? And where’s Feo Ul?

Exarch, however, the man that chokes on air unprompted, in a moment like this acts before he could think. As some people correctly noted, the old man’s QUICK. The “screentime” stretches out as Vivi’s life almost begins flashing before his eyes, while for Exarch it's gotta be a mere second or two.

I’m extra proud of the colorwork here. As if blood’s gone from Vivi’s face, as if his entire body went cold, but life slowly returns to him, starting with that hand. You bet this’s brimming with subtext.

Exarch uses his left hand over the right, for better friction and probably because he doesn’t like the attention to his right hand.

I like that this panel’s caused confusion, it worked as intended :9 An all too vague dark joke that almost cost Vivi his life. In his head it went like “yeah anyone can fly once, when they’re about to go splat”, but he wasn’t only preoccupied with the jumps, but also didn’t KNOW yet that he HAS TO speak with a fae like almost with a child, or a lawyer. Simplest terms. No ambiguity. EVER. They’ll misinterpret you unwittingly, or on purpose.

And so they did. Or didn’t? Feo Ul’s spent a long time offscreen, but whether they chose not to help, or even gave Vivi a little push, will forever stay a mystery because why not.

Lesson learned.. On both sides.. Hopefully. Also, fret not, Exarch WILL say fuck one day, one day~

Vivi's lucky. Incredibly so. He's aware of it, doesn't see it as anything special, like you don't see anything special in being able to read this. Perhaps jumping up an unknown structure while being accompanied by an exceedingly curious and mischievous creature is risky even for his kind, but Vivi's so used to getting away with so many things that he doesn't stop to consider it for the tiniest moment.

The first genuine exchange of smiles.

Silver lining: now they have better chances at getting along and returning to that world-saving duty.

Update from January 2024: I came back here to tell you something that took me so long to realize about episode 20′s description:

And all he saw was the Light, and then he knew that Death wore white in this world.

I randomly popped off with this prose, which on itself is a cool thing, but now I realize the extra meanings it could take on. Thinking about 5.x and Elidibus has me feeling unwell in the best way. THAT VIVI ALSO WEARS WHITE HERE IS UH. A coincidence. But it also kinda works as the Warrior of Darkness becomes somewhat of a local Reaper in the First, and then, well, then we have that Light corruption arc :3c

Vivi's calm and tender enough for a pixie to trust him with their wings.

Feo Ul ate and drank several times their size, and all that hero talk.. Ugh. Time for a nap.

Drawing this made me yawn at least 3 times. You’re not immune either.

He’s activating his scanners :>

Vivi's definition of nice is "not nagging, begging or preaching, and using bare facts and logic to convince the hero to do the hero thing".

Literally the next page if you’re reading in order :’> Riiiiiiiiight. That hero thing.

We don’t question whether Vivi invited his loveliest branch, or if they invited themselves. The fact is, they’re there and Vivi’s totally cool with it.

Exarch must be watching. And probably foaming at mouth as Feo Ul keeps leading in the race for Vivi’s heart. They don’t only earn the hero’s trust, but get in his bed and, gasp, brush his hair.

Vivi's getting comfy in his role somewhere between a disney princess and Feo Ul’s pet.

A writing-related tangent incoming, but, since you’re here, I assume you’re already somewhat interested in this kinda stuff.

So, there’s the script, the plain text that waits to get illustrated. The screenplay, if you will. I don’t just sit down and draw enough random things to fill a few pages, I approach this as an actual cohesive serialized story.

I changed a good half of this episode when I began storyboarding it. In the initial script from some months ago, Vivi said "I slept so well". Something about this didn't sit right with me. It’s the most basic mistake of telling instead of showing. I asked myself, would he, a person who takes good sleep and dreams for granted, say that out loud? Nah. I removed that bit, and drew him stretching deliciously. He also asked Feo Ul if they guarded his dreams, they smiled vaguely but warmly just like in the finalized version, but then Vivi simply muttered "I could get used to this" and gave them headpats. I decided to elevate this scene by adding this tiny rollercoaster, which brought Feo Ul's greyness to the forefront, and thickly hinted that Vivi doesn't only sleep well, but has nice dreams that he probably starts cherishing after this.

To be fair, this isn’t super important for the main plot, I just wanted to highlight the difference between Vivi and Exarch, the latter being in a hate-hate relationship with sleep. Vivi’s affinity with dreams is a door I like to keep open for the possible future story (talking post-EW events).

Now you know this’s the face they make before going apeshit.

Imagine if this prank didn't exist and instead Vivi simply said "I slept so well, this's so important to me". I’m proud of the writing muscle I’m growing on the fly ;w;

Ardbert's chance to act and feel normal, thwarted in the next few seconds.

I'm so glad that people are picking up on this!! “Hey man” is Vivi’s way of providing whatever comfort he could. An illusion of normalcy. He’s emotionally intelligent when it matters.

..But he should’ve also considered that Feo Ul can and will ruin the vibe :’>

Another screenwriting thing: this episode lacks an establishing shot, i.e. the obligatory zoomed out view on everyone in the room, but I think this’s a rare case of “less is more”. Along with the light vs shadow, it reinforces the feeling of separation. Vivi and Feo Ul are shown together, interacting, doing cute stuff, while Ardbert’s alone. Sorry not sorry for the hurty :’>

This’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks for reading and paying so much attention! People start to notice and analyze the things I’m weaving in, and it’s the best kinda interaction I as a creator could wish for.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Tarlos @flufftober day 4 (day 3 is still in the works but will be posted later today!)

Alt prompt #5 "Oh no, you're a morning person!"

The first morning (AO3)

The morning after the first time TK spends the night at Carlos' place

---

Carlos woke up and could barely move. For a second he thought sleep paralysis had taken over his body, but then he felt a puff of air on the back of his neck, and he remembered the night before.

He smiled to himself and slowly, carefully, turned around.

Next to him, or rather, clinging to him like an octopus, was TK.

TK who had finally agreed to spend the night and didn’t run a mile in the middle of the night.

He watched TK sleep and barely managed to stop himself from reaching out and running his fingers through his hair.

It had been a rough few months for them but they were finally in a good place, only despite spending most evenings at Carlos’ place, TK had never actually stayed over. Until last night.

They’d gone out to the club they’d taken Paul to a few weeks earlier, and they’d danced and just let loose, knowing they’d both have a few days off coming up.

Afterwards Carlos had, almost on autopilot, driven them back to Owen’s place, only for TK to stop him and tell him to turn left to his house instead.

They hadn’t even done anything but snuggle up in bed and sleep, but Carlos couldn’t remember the last time he had been this happy.

After allowing himself to look at TK a little longer, he carefully slipped out of bed and went downstairs. He was going to make TK breakfast in bed and make their first morning together special.

He opened the fridge and sighed when he saw its contents . He hadn’t planned on TK staying over and he hadn’t had the chance to go grocery shopping yet that week.

He briefly considered getting fresh pastries from the bakery down town TK had mentioned he liked, but he didn’t want to risk him waking up in an empty house thinking Carlos had run off.

“Looks like there’s enough for pancakes here.” He mumbled to himself. “And I still have some of that green tea he likes and those bananas are still ok to eat.” He shook his head when he realised he’d been talking to himself. “First sign of madness, Reyes.” He turned the radio on for background noise and got to work.

He wasn’t really listening to the music, just humming along while he cooked until he vaguely recognised a song his mother loved. He remembered catching his parents dancing to it in the kitchen on more than one occasion.

“You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you.” He quietly sang along, thinking of TK and maybe dancing to the very song with him some day.

“Oh no, you’re a morning person.” He suddenly heard from behind him, making him jump and turn around. “If this is a regular thing, this isn’t going to work.” TK joked, looking unfairly attractive for someone who had apparently just woken up.

“You're supposed to be in bed! I was going to make you breakfast in bed!” Carlos scolded him, when his heartrate had returned to normal.

“I woke up and you weren’t there. I got lonely.” TK shrugged, pushing himself off the doorjamb and walking over to Carlos, wrapping his arms around his waist. “And then I heard you down here and I thought I'd come enjoy the show.”

Carlos laughed and leaned in for a kiss.

“What can I say, I'm in a good mood.”

“Yeah? Any particular reason?”

“I don’t know. I had a good night’s sleep. It’s a nice day…”

“It’s raining.”

“Maybe I like rain.”

“No you don’t, you hate rain because it messes up your hair.” TK teased.

“That was one time!” Carlos protested. “And it was because I wanted to look nice for you on our first official date.”

TK’s face softened and he pressed another kiss to Carlos’ lips.

“You looked great babe. You always do. It’s not fair really.”

“Hmm… says the man who looks like a model when he’s just woken up.”

“Shut up. You’re my boyfriend, you’re biased.” TK said and Carlos briefly wondered if he could feel his heart skip a beat at the mention of that word. It wasn’t the first time TK had called him his boyfriend, but he still felt giddy every time.

“What are you making?” TK peeked over his shoulder at the stove.

“Pancakes. Is that alright?”

“Sure.”

“What? Don’t you like pancakes?”

“No I do, I do. I just... never really eat breakfast. I usually just have a smoothie and back in New York I’d just get a coffee and whatever pastry looked semi fresh from the bodega near the firehouse.”

Carlos frowned.

“You can’t live on coffee and a pastry. Let alone work a full shift.”

“I don’t know. I’d just rather sleep a little longer than get up to cook.”

“From now on, I’ll make you a real breakfast whenever I can.”

“From now on? Does that mean this will be a regular thing?” TK asked innocently.

“I hope so. I like waking up next to you.” Carlos said and kissed him before stepping out of his embrace and turning his attention back to the stove. “Sit down, they’re almost done.”

“I thought I was getting breakfast in bed?”

“Get back to bed then, I’ll be up in a sec.” Carlos ordered, making TK laugh

In the end they settled on the sofa together, enjoying the pancakes and each other’s company with the radio in the kitchen still playing mindless pop songs.

“You know that song is actually about a man.” TK said around a bite of food.

“What song?”

“The one you were singing along to in the kitchen earlier. Can't take my eyes off you. Bob Crewe wrote it after waking up next to a man one morning and not being able to stop looking at him.”

Carlos gave him a questioning look.

“How do you even know that?”

TK shrugged.

“My mom is a musical theatre fan. She'd take me to shows all the time back in New York. We saw Jersey Boys four times I think. The story of Frankie Valli and the four seasons. She knew the guy who played Bob Crewe somehow and he told us that after the show one time.”

“So what you're saying is that you are a secret theatre kid?” Carlos teased. “What other trivia do you know?”

“Not much. I was just reminded of it when I saw you in the kitchen. I think I understand Bob Crewe now.” TK said and pressed a kiss to Carlos’ shoulder.

“Yeah? Are you going to write a song about me then?”

TK laughed.

“If I do, you’ll be the first to know.”

[sadgirlautumn]

need to rant

there's just certain people on here who are a bunch of fakes its nice seeing half of the swifties on here who are bullys and leaving the fandom because she hasn't spoken up it's about time

I’m not sure what triggered this because i try to stay out of fandom drama in general and I’ve been offline these past few days so I don’t know if this is related to anything in particular but I’ll give you some general advice. All I recommend is really paying attention to who is saying things that are upsetting you and once the same blog upsets you again it’s time to unfollow/soft block/block (whatever feels right for you). Everyone wants different things out of the internet, some people just want a community where they can talk about Taylor and the art she creates (which I respect and understand) and others are rightfully frustrated with Taylor and need a place to let that frustration out because it’s always upsetting to find out your fave isn’t who you thought they were (which I also respect and understand). Although I don’t agree that all the swifties asking Taylor to speak up about Palestine are bullies I do agree a small group of people on here take their response to opinions that don’t relate to their own a bit too far. A few weeks ago I witnessed on the dash one of my mutuals who has been vocal about supporting Palestine just simply list some reasons why Taylor might not want to speak up right now and I saw this person receive anon hate and vague posts about them from their mutuals and in my opinion all that situation warranted was some gentle criticism.

[buff-electra-truther]

Stex Appreciation Month: Electra

Fav actor: Koffi Missah is the best overall.  I think the MJ/Prince train angle is the most effective characterization for Electra and he looks, acts, and sounds perfect for that approach.  It’s fun and recognizable in the cheap seats in a language you don’t know.  But it also has a lot of potential for depth, there’s a double entendre to be made about the government/big companies conspiring against electric trains for being too successful and certain tropes about electrical powers. 

Mykal Rand is basically impossible to beat aesthetically for me.  I cannot look away from the absurdity of how smooth and girly his face is combined with how cartoonishly ripped he is.  Even footage of him on tiny tour stages in beat up ill-fitting costumes is captivating. He’s just so extreme and maximalist yet alien looking.  

I’m surprisingly unpicky on Electra actors as long as they aren’t boring.  That’s the only real crime.  But I tend to prefer ones who have/could pull off Greaseball because I prefer a bolder, louder Electra (and basically require it post 2018 so I don’t forget he even exists with that borderline camoflouge costume)

Fav songs/scenes: Dinah’s Disco because I love watching him get shoved, a nice more intense version of AC/DC, anything involving No Comeback or its leitmotif.  Once again, What Time Is It? is a terrible song but purely redeemed because Mykal is hilarious in it.

Fav costumes: Broadway/Bochum toothpaste is a classic, but I’m also weirdly fond of Late London because I love the cartoony look (especially on Chris Copeland since he went all in on the makeup style to match)

Ships/Friendships: already went over how I view him and Greaseball the other day.

I like to look at pictures from the JPN/AUS tours out of context and think Electra looks cold and lonely and in need of a buddy and Caboose coaxes him into fun bad ideas

Headcanons: 

-I habitually call Electra “he” because it’s what canon does 90% of the time, but view the character as neutral (all of them really).  Electra and the Components are about the only ones smart enough to realize these forms are an illusion and there’s no reason to play by human paradigms, it would be equally stupid if they subscribed to blood type personalities too.  They are VERY smug about this but slowly the message is spreading.  

-I vary in what exact basis I’ll give him but see him as either irl, alternate timeline, or outright sci-fi Amtrak’s choice of successor to the GG1.  He isn’t weak or terribly delicate if the infrastructure works (unless you keep him as 40101 lol), he follows in their tracks of being a huge effortless machine that’ll run away with basically anything you stick on it.  If he actually played it clean, he’d probably dominate going uphill vs Greaseball and especially Rusty, he just doesn’t flaunt strength much in canon because it’s not relevant to the race.

-Electra is a  Fully Automated Bi Space Communist who wants to run catenaries across the Rocky Mountains and Siberia

-If you turn the dials and knobs Electra will morph like a game’s character slider just like how it’s simple to regear electric locos for passenger/freight use.  

Unpopular opinions:  lmao I think all my Electra preferences are moderately to very fandom unpopular.  I’m a contrarian who likes the character for fundamentally different reasons than most.  I’ve vaguely known of the character for years but didn’t really fall in love with him until recently when I saw those 2013 tour videos people either love or hate. Yeah they have the worst staging and costumes but I went “oh hell yeah finally a less problematic alternative to my blorbos Ganondorf and Velvet von Ragnar”.  I think those two names alone make it pretty clear why I like a bulkier, hotter natured, more affectionate and competent Electra than most.  I crave novelty and get bored by oversaturated things so I’m naturally drawn to androgynous characters that aren’t twinks or prettyboys so seeing Mykal vs the more typical tall skinny Electras really made me more interested in the character, even if I think there’s more interesting characterizations than his.  

[razorblade180]

I may get some hate for this, but… I’m not really a fan of how Yang has been handled in the past few volumes. Like, in my honest opinion, she feels less like Ruby’s older sister like what was shown in the first few volumes and more like just a love interest for Blake to have. It feels like she’s gotten to where she cares more about Blake than Ruby in my opinion.

[This is not a rant btw]

In my opinion it’s more of a “show, don’t tell” problem. There’s never been a moment I doubted that Yang loves Ruby to death, but also the show at times tries to have moments that by design, should be heavier, but don’t land as hard because we didn’t actually see the connection that got us to this point. It can be conflicting. I mean Ep 2 of Volume 1 literally has Yang just leave Ruby at the front of their new school to go catch up with friends.

Just today I saw a post about how it kinda hurt to hear Ruby say the things she did towards Yang considering how Yang gave up her childhood to help care for Ruby. I read that and I’m like….they aren’t wrong but we also really have to take the word of the show that Yang really sacrificed a lot, because we didn’t see anything. Not every viewer can or should be expected to latch on to unseen moments; and it kinda goes both ways. We never have Ruby expressing or preaching on about how meaningful Yang has been in her life because this show never wants to really talk about the Ruby and Yang that made it to volume 1. Their past is so vague and never really bleeds into the dynamic we see in meaningful ways.

Also, this is sorta a nitpick, but it doesn’t help that sometimes there’s dialogue about a character that isn’t really true or points something out that nobody ever thought was a problem for a character. The most recent instance of this for me is last weeks episode 6. Blake told Yang “You are always the first to lighten a situation” when Yang objectively been the most aggressively negative member of team RWBY from V4-V7 and tied with Ren in V8. Volume 9 is the first time Yang acts similarly to before the fall of Beacon. Yang also in the seen talks about how nice it was that Blake wasn’t scared of her when they met. As an audience, that’s never been a problem or insecurity expressed to us but I digress.

So while I do agree with you a little, I don’t see it as a Yang problem or shift in dynamic, and more of a writing problem that’s been there for awhile. Personally, I would’ve loved to get more of their sibling dynamic because I too have a big sister and am also someone’s older sibling. So for me, hearing what the show has told me about their situation, I do find it pretty weird that Ruby doesn’t see Yang somewhat as a second mom to a degree; or how Yang isn’t as attached in certain regards.

Has anyone seen Onward? You would think at some baseline level they would be a little more like those two brothers in a way.

[jamiesfootball]

for the ask game thing, J, A, M, I, E, S, F, O, T, B, L, because i'm cheeky

You are darling

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

Most things my god. Critical Role. The Magnus Archive. Riverdale. Welcome to Night Vale. Bridgerton. Six of Crows. The Owl House. I could go on.

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

Jamie Tartt / general happiness. If there is a person who kind of breathed on him nice one time, I want to hear about it. Jamie and the rest of the team I am particularly interested in, because while Ted Lasso as a whole is a good show, it did not often give us ensemble-hangs-out plotlines, and I love a good ensemble.

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

Higgins!

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

MCU. After a while I got tired of seeing the characters I liked from the comics getting watered down, and it drove me crazy to see how much fandom liked the watered down versions.

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

It's probably the cat thing, isn't it? Though I'm quite proud of my Richmond injury list

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

I just posted a very long one about Jamie and Isaac, but the long and short of it is that they send each other selfies of their outfits for the day every morning.

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

The first fandom I was in was Dragon Ball Z. As I am still ingesting fan content for it, I would say I am still in the fandom. So that's about 25 years.

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

This was vaguely rigged because of how often I've been listening to my character playlists. The song that came on is 'Passing through a Screen Door' by The Wonder Years, Little Kruta. It's not only from my Jamie Tartt playlist, but some of the lyrics are chapter titles in one of my fics.

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

Answered the big one already, but for a minor stupid headcanon that I'll put up in a place of prominence: after Wembley, Higgins was informed of what happened. He was distraught for the role he unknowingly played. He delicately put word to security to let him know if any complaints were filed or needed to be filed to keep Jamie's dad off the premises. And when no complaints were filed...

...look, he's a middle manager at heart. He's used to doing what needs done without people telling him to do it or even knowing he took care of it. Unbeknownst to anyone outside of the Directors of Beboperations (plus a few favors called in),Jamie's dad is banned from a number of stadiums across the country (12 and counting).

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

Richard and Jan Maas. They're asshole 4 asshole. I get it.

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

For someone whose purpose is narrative villain, I find the character of Rupert interesting. He's charming, he's determined, he's relentless, he's socially gifted - all positive traits that double as flaws. You see why Rebecca fell for him as easily as you see why she loathes him.

[monzamash]

just don’t understand why u keep saying you’ve gone off daniel because of ‘what he said/did earlier in the season’ yet ur perfectly happy to write for lando who also made questionable comments idk just feels hypocritical. what made landos comments ok but daniels so horrid lol it makes no sense 👍 if u want to be a daniel hater just come out and say it instead of being all coy about it and pretending like ur not being weird about it cause u say u won’t write for him and then u update ur layout and put up a picture of it lmao so which is it

i don’t know if this is the same anon that’s been sending me shit every second day for months about this - i’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say it’s not because of the way you’ve typed this out but the message is still the same and this is the last straw.

i don’t hate daniel. if you look at my last post i said that he’s a big part of why i fell in love with f1. he was also the reason i started this blog so just because i’m not writing for him now, doesn’t mean i hate him. it’s not as black and white for me as it seems to be for you.

writing doesn’t define my blog - its something i do when i feel like it and most of the time i’m either chatting with you guys on here or supporting other writers. it was a fun escape but lately it’s been the opposite of that.

people may not like this but in my opinion daniels comments were significantly more damaging than landos vague response to a question that nobody could factually corroborate. i don’t think i’m alone in thinking that. daniel straight up said the one thing i personally hate the most when someone’s defending an abuser which is, “well [insert name] has always been good to me so…” that’s what upset me the most and now i have no desire to write for him. that is simply how i feel and if you don’t agree/understand, it’s all good. try and find other blogs who do share your views. makes life a lot easier.

anyway, did daniels comments make me want to erase every trace of him from my blog? no but i made it clear that i wouldn’t be writing for him for the foreseeable future and if anything changed, i would give people the heads up. what i absolutely won’t be doing is caving in to bullies who hide behind a shadow on the fucking internet who say i that i should delete my blog and myself while i’m at it.

so the context of why i made a header with daniel in it was that i thought including him would allow people the chance to bounce if they don’t want to read any daniel fics or interact with a blog that had a lot of daniel content in the past - people hate him and have made sure to tell me how fucked i am to still have his fics in my masterlist. thats the sort of hate that really gets to me because i’m so proud of some of those fics and spent a lot of time on them. that’s one reason why I won’t ever delete them but it’s also because there are daniel fans out there who hopefully feel like they can still interact with me even if we don’t share the exact same opinion. i don’t want that to change.

another thing to note is that this header was up for like two seconds and the fact you saw it must mean you’re just stalking my page? are you checking in to call me out the second i do something wrong? and you think i’m weird? alright lol

lastly, saying i’m being coy and weird isn’t fair - i’ve been honest about where i stand and even when i’ve been unsure, i was still being upfront and owning the fact that i didn’t know what direction this blog would take after all that. so if what i’ve said in this post or in the past isn’t enough for you, then just leave please. literally leave me alone because i don’t want to do this anymore.

[briarpatch-kids]

I’ve seen a lot of your posts about Tay and was wondering how you became one of his online carers, like how you met his parents and him? I guess I’m just curious about what it means to be ‘friends’ with him in the sense that it’s not an equal relationship. I guess I’m not sure how you bond with someone in that scenario, or maybe that isn’t the point? Sorry if this isn’t phrased well, English is my second language. thank you

So first off, Tay's been getting some weird sexual asks again lately, so I'm going to be vague so I don't give a predator instructions on how to groom him. This isn't saying you're a predator, just that I don't want to tell people how to get close to someone vulnerable when stalkers are potentially watching.

Basically I started following his blog a long time ago because he had opinions on autism I hadn't heard before and saw people kept trying to parent him and lecture him in the comments when like... that's not their job. So I started commenting things when he'd fight with his sister about how I argued with my siblings when i was his age too, and it really sucked and it was okay to be upset. You know, normal stuff you tell a 14-15 year old when they hate the world and their parents and anyone who looks at them the wrong way because being 15 is the worst. Eventually he followed my blog and I had to get my shit together ASAP because "oh shit a kid is looking up to me. I better be worth looking up to" (Tay literally made me a better person this way)

That time period was uncomfortable for me for a while because he would have emergencies and I couldn't do anything about it because I had no way of contacting his family and I also didn't want him to think it was safe to DM adults on Tumblr because there are a LOT of creeps online. Eventually his mom messaged me to say that she needed help and Tay said I was his best friend, I seemed like i was a good responsible adult, and could she have my email so we can discuss this further? I told her about my physical limitations and that I might need to step back if I can't handle it, but that I'm already online frequently because of them so I'd be happy to help her when I can. (And how it was a huge relief to be able to contact someone when he asked or needed me to) We email and update each other on our lives and I consider her a friend of mine, at the very least a fond penpal. We have very different lives, she's an educated and very dedicated housewife with two autistic kids and I'm a transgender crippled college dropout who contemplates stealing feral ducks from the local pond, but at the core we want the same things and get along really well because of it.

My role with helping Tay is answering more complicated questions in a way that doesn't get him doxxed or hurt, telling his mom when he needs help, and just kind of being there when he needs a friend. What I get out of the relationship is the same things I get out of my other friendships, I get to watch him grow into an amazing person and be there along the way.

When we chat, I always make sure to give him the Tay safe version of things, but if he knows I'm having a bad day he'll try to help me feel better and it's really sweet. The other day, I forgot to hide some petty internet drama from him, so he told me that they were a bad person for making me upset and I shouldn't listen to them. (Which helped get me out of the drama loop yay!) So, while I have to take a lot of care and thought to making sure he's supported and safe and gets the version of events that are appropriate for him, it's not a one sided friendship where I'm only hanging out with him because I have to or something. We were friends before I was a helper because I think he's a good friend.

He's a cool guy who likes to hunt for mushrooms in his yard and hear about nature and how stuff like spinning wool works. I end up taking a lot of photos of stuff throughout the week to show him because he loves hearing about flowers at the farmers market or how I saw a cat in a baby carriage at the pond.

[sammygender]

long post below be warned

i dislike the way in some feminist circles—and in this particular instance, this means a Guardian review of Barbie, so it’s not even a feminist circle, but i see it a lot while hate-stalking radfems and i hear it a lot in conversation—every little fucked up psychological trait people do, if the person talking about it is a woman, is attributed to womanhood. ‘i am a woman and to exist as a woman is horrific under the patriarchy (true!) and therefore i do this messed-up thing (insert statement).’ and when starting to think about this i said this: i do not know if my dislike of this phenomenon is because it’s true, and it makes me feel weird to think about it because i am a trans man, or because it’s not true, and it feels weird that people attribute human things to Women things (or woman-socialised, non-cis-men, anything that woke people use as a buzzword when they mean ‘woman and anyone i see as a woman’) and act like non cis men have some unique capacity for empathy that cis men/men (differing people will have their own opinions on trans men, and obviously the terfs just think it’s afabs, but i’ll go at this from a perspective where i ignore them) don’t have.

or, rather, i said: i’m sure it is true, for some people, that womanhood has been so traumatising for them that they developed defence mechanisms, but i would argue that is a result of trauma that happens to be gendered and not a thing every woman does & not a thing only women do. & i don’t know if i’m being weird and picky and potentially antagonistic in not LOVING this phenomenon, or whether i’m simply aware of gender essentialism. bc it’s not nice to police how people talk about their oppression. but it also just… feels overly simplified.

FOR EXAMPLE. some of this is because i am a trans man, and it’s horrible to think that my intense, cyclical self-awareness of ‘so i’m doing this, but i KNOW i’m doing this, so it’s okay that i’m doing this!’ is because i was raised as a woman. and that starts to feel like it could be true, because i do have experience of being a girl within me, and who am i to say that this complex, a result of constantly feeling Annoying and like the only way to break that cycle of being Annoying is to be Aware of being annoying because somehow that makes it better, ISN’T because of that? when you actually think about it, though, this feels… silly. how in any way is this an experience unique to women? maybe that they are taught to police themselves and their looks and their everything - true. maybe that leads to that experience of needing to be too self aware. and i see how someone could recognise this trait within them and go This must be because i’m a woman but. it’s like very much a trait i can see in men just as much, just as often, and i think we need to hesitate before ascribing experiences precisely to genders and gender roles we inhabit. first time i ever saw this feeling of irony-piled self-awareness properly expressed was in fucking homestuck, the striders, at one point bo burnham’s 2021 special inside articulated it well. when i read homestuck as a transmasculine 13 year old it felt vaguely like a ‘guy experience’, mostly because i wanted it to be. now i often see this voiced as ‘girl-coded’, something every woman experiences, often paired with poems about making sure you’re always aware of how you’re perceived. but it’s the same damn thing, maybe slightly occasionally different, but same thing. gendered socialisation fucks you up, yeah. women get it worse because they’re oppressed, yeah, but the whole concept of gender enforced into a child is traumatic.

anyway one day ill write an essay on this. & fandom reception. stuff like ‘eldest daughter syndrome’, traits that are seen as inherently gendered but just Aren’t always. it’s always a simplified take.

this goes both ways BTW i’m talking about the problem in feminism bc i am a feminist. but it happens everywhere. one of the most glaringly annoying examples is the idea that ‘men can’t express emotions’. like yes, that is true (to an extent) that men are seen often as weak if they cry! it is ALSO true that, historically, women have been legitimately locked in insane asylums for having feelings and wants more complicated than serve husband and make food for child. it is also true that if a woman shows emotion in front of a man, very often she gets easily dismissed as insane or hysterical. arguably this problem is worse for women because women are like actually oppressed.

and it’s interesting because this leads us to a conclusion - that just you can say ‘i repress my emotions because i’m a man and have been punished for expressing them, in a uniquely gendered way’, you can say ‘i repress my emotions because i’m a woman and i have been punished for expressing them, in a uniquely gendered way’. to go with my previous example - you can say ‘i’m ironically self-aware because i’m a guy and not meant to feel emotions genuinely’. true, this is a thing men are taught because they’re men. you can say ‘i’m ironically self-aware because as a woman i’ve always been mocked for being genuine.’ true, this is a thing that happens to women because they’re women.

anyway. until we get past just designating things and experiences as ONLY for certain genders, we will never get free of gendered oppression/misogyny bc it’s innate to this obsession with gender as 2 binary polar opposites. there’s commonalities, yes, but nothing unique about female or male ‘socialisation’ and you don’t necessarily have more in common with someone the same gender as you just as you don’t necessarily have more in common with someone the same race or the same age - you have SOMETHING in common, but not everything. & it’s weird to presume you do

[ssplague]

Chapter 5

Part 4

Rated M

The group had been to Bakugou’s house twice before, and they all agreed on two things; It was big and LOUD. Two things that still held true…Then there was a new addition; Which was you.

Warning (s)⚠️ Abandonment, manipulation, mind games, mental breakdown, “Blind eyed” Bakusquad, hallucinations, manic episodes, toxic relationship, SEX, sprinkles of ddlg (incorrectly portrayed), gas lighting, Yandere, Liquor consumption, mention of past child neglect, some physical/verbal abuse

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of my gorgeous and beloved readers! 💌

📬 Honorable mentions: @angie-1306 @wolfunderthetree @marifujioka @im1nobody @atmyhet@elaineplayz@girlwithnokatsuki@rainstorm22 @bi-polar-pandas @itadakimasu @ss-akii @po3ticb3auty @lizethecookie01 @maggiecc @lordmypantsaresocool @shoslutt @presidentmonica @winchescumberholland

Remember: Leaving only a simple ❤️‍🔥 or 💥 in a comment will get you put on the tag list.

👗 🎒 🍕 🍾 🫂

“You really think this is a good idea man? Bakugou really isn’t the type of guy that likes being around people in general….I can only imagine what he’ll do when we show up at his door unannounced” Kaminari says with a nervous grimace.

“Relax, he’ll probably just yell for a bit and then everything will turn out okay” Kirishima replies, always the optimist.

“I still dunno why I had to come…I hate being the only girl! Y/N’s phone was off when I tried calling her a few minutes ago” Mina whines.

“D’you really think she won’t be around? They are always together” Sero offers a vague attempt at comforting the pink haired girl.

The reason Kirishima organized this sporadic visit to the Bakugou residence was simple; He hasn’t seen his best friend since school let out for break almost a month ago.

Katsuki’s replies to texts are the normal insulting messages the red head has come to expect from his explosive buddy, but he feels like something is off? Or different? The few times the two boys have talked on the phone, the blonde always seemed distracted, as if something else had captured his attention.

Of course Kirishima shared all of his thoughts with their group of friends, and it was no surprise that all of them had no clue what could be happening with their self appointed leader. You were even harder to get ahold of, and if you would actually text anyone back it was either oddly cryptic or overly enthusiastic. Not sounding like the person they’d gotten used to, not anything like you at all.

“Do you think they may have split up again?” Mina asks as they turn onto Katsuki’s street.

Even with the warmth of summer surrounding them, a collective shiver ran through the group at the thought. That break up was all kinds of ugly, and none of them wanted to have to experience that kind of darkness again. The other three thought they saw how bad the situation was, the small glimpse they got was nothing compared to the front row seat Kirishima had to Bakugou’s absolute melt down.

“No No No Shitty hair you don’t get it! She’s just acting up right now…she needs my attention that’s all”

“I‘ll kill anyone that tries to get close to her, y/n’s my girl; She’s my princess, my prize I won fair and square”

“I marked her on the inside, she’s always going to belong to me”

A disgustingly lovesick expression accompanied that last one; Red eyes showed that Bakugou was somewhere far away, hidden inside his ill mind.

Kirishima considers himself to be the manliest of men, and it’s not easy to intimidate him, but the look on Bakugou’s face and the insanity shining through his eyes…

My prize, I won fair and square

He forced the memory into the deepest recesses of his brain, praying that one day he would forget it entirely.

“It’s this one right?”

Mina’s hand gestures directly infront of his face.

“Yeah this is it!” Kirishima put his happy go lucky smile back on as the group approaches the front door.

He leans forward to give the door a few loud wraps with his knuckles.

“Princess, would you go get my post workout shake ready?” Katsuki asks and immediately regretted doing so. You had went down into a full split to properly do your cool down stretch out, and the view of your ass in those spandex was top notch from his angle.

“Of course daddy”

“That’s my good girl”

You joined Katsuki on his morning runs now, and even did some weight lifting with him (what he would allow you to lift anyway). It wasn’t your favorite thing in the world, but he seemed to be in better spirits on those days. When he’s happy your day is better, unless him and Mitsuki get into it…then you try to stay out back with Masaru for as long as your angry lover will allow you too. Sometimes he’ll catch you beforehand and then with a gruff “S’bedtime princess” he drags you upstairs. You don’t usually get to sleep on those nights, and you can barely move around the following morning.

Exiting the bedroom you head up the hallway towards the staircase, only to pause when you hear your name shouted from the opposite side of it.

“Coming!”

You quickly head towards the room with its door slightly ajar and poke your head in to see Mitsuki standing in-front of her vanity mirror.

The lights surrounding the mirror were incredibly bright, so much so you’d had to shade your eyes slightly to get a good look at the older woman. Once you did, you couldn’t think to stop yourself from excitedly spewing out compliments.

“Wow mom! You look amazing! That dress is so pretty, I’ve never seen one like it before!”

Of course she’d taken each one in stride, saying “Well I’d certainly hope not since I was the one who created it!If you had, then someone would be up shit creek without a paddle” then giving you a wink through the mirror.

“I need you to help zip me up sweetheart, that way once Masaru gets back from the car wash, him and I can take off” she explains, gathering up as much of her unruly hair as possible, making sure to hold it up at the base of her skull.

You put the upmost care into your task, making sure to hold the undoubtably expensive fabric taught as you pull the zipper up, “Done!”. You catch a set of vermilion eyes staring you down in the mirror and then you remembered that you hadn’t put another shirt back on after casting your sweaty one aside when you and Katsuki returned from your morning run.

Standing there in your sports bra and spandex shorts; Any other mother would undoubtedly say something about the many hickies and bite marks littering your neck and chest. Luckily (?), for you that Mitsuki isn’t just “any mother”, she knows what you and her dumbass son get up to, and once said dumb ass son reassured her you were on birth control, she brushed it aside.

“Ah I…um-“ you nervously stutter.

“Thank you sweetheart” she says with a smile and you relax almost instantly.

Then a loud knocking sounds from downstairs, “Would you mind going to open the door? My idiot husband tends to forget his keys and somehow manages to lock himself out” she rolls her eyes before turning back towards her mirror. “No problem!” You scurry out of the room and down the staircase.

Already assuming you knew who was on the other side of the door, you opened it without a second thought.

Only to come face to face with Kirishima, Mina, Denki, and Sero.

The four of you stare at each other in surprise.

“H-Hey y/n” your boyfriend’s best friend stutters, face now as red as his hair.

“We aren’t interrupting anything are weeee?” Mina asks, giving you a knowing smile.

That’s when you once again remember your state of undress.

“Ah no it’s not like that! We just got done with our morning workout”

“Morning workout huh?” Of course Denki felt the need to chime in.

Finished with his last rep, Katsuki wonders what the hell is taking you so long? Sticking his head out the door with the intention of yelling down to you, he pauses when he hears…is that Kirishima’s voice? What the fuck!

He takes the stairs two at a time, getting downstairs to see you standing in front of the open door in only your sports bra and spandex shorts.

“The fuck is going on?!”

Katsuki’s hand falls on to your shoulder, gripping it tightly, his yelling in your ear startling you. Taking a step backwards you resemble a deer caught in head lights; You wrap your arms around yourself, nervously shuffling your feet as you stare down at them, refusing to make eye contact with the owner of the palm starting to simmer against the skin of your shoulder.

An awkward situation if ever there was one…

“Oh hey man!” Kirishima quickly interjects “We were nearby, so we just came by to see what was going on with you?”. With the burning stare transferred over towards Kirishima instead, you try to turn and leave.

Only to feel Katsuki’s grip tighten, it’s not visible to the others but he does pull you backwards to mumble; “Go put some fucking clothes on”.

You hurry off to do as he says, trying and failing at swallowing the lump in your throat. The heat the skin on your shoulder is emitting let’s you know it’s at least slightly burnt.

Another mark to cover up.

Katsuki doesn’t want to invite the group inside, but as usual the red head is able to slip through the cracks In his defensive walls, and weasels his way inside the house.

“So uh.. You-“ Kirishima starts, Denki butts in, “Certainly have been occupied, hah Kacchannn?”.

“Maybe we should come back another time?” Mina offers.

“Dunno what fuckin’ difference that would make” Katsuki snarls “Fuckers are gonna bother me no matter when you show up here”.

“She means if we interrupted you and y/n-“ Sero finally speaks up, only to get shut down.

“Interrupted us what? She fuckin’ lives here, she’s always going to be here now” Katsuki hears the blender start up In the kitchen and smiles.

His good girl remembered to do what he asked.

You had purposely pulled one of Katsuki’s hoodies out of the hamper and put it on. The hoodie was long enough to go past your butt, so along with some black boy shorts and thigh highs it could be counted as “lazy day in” attire. Plus he loves seeing you in his clothes, so maybe he won’t punish you for opening the door in just a bra.

Wishful thinking.

Maybe he wouldn’t punish you as bad.

That’s more realistic.

Finished making his post workout shake, you poured it in his cup and washed the blender.

You stopped before exiting the kitchen, drawing in a deep breath through your mouth, then blowing it out of your nostrils, you repeated the process twice more. Then put on your fake smile and entered the living room, as centered as you could be.

“Suki” you say quietly while holding out the cup “Sorry to make you wait”.

He looks you up and down once, twice, and then smirks “Thanks beautiful”.

“Awwww he just thanked her you guys, how sweet” Mina teases.

“Shuddup Racoon eyes or I’ll throw you out” Katsuki growls after taking a swig of his shake “sit down”. He roughly pulls you down beside him on the couch, almost onto his lap.

You hadn’t realized you were still standing.

“Alright I’ll be out in just a minute”

Hanging up her phone, Mitsuki snatches her clutch off the dresser and tosses the device inside. She doesn’t bother taking a last look in the mirror, she knows she looks incredible (even you had told her so). Starting down the steps voices drift up towards her ears, she didn’t remember either one of you mentioning guests were coming.

As soon as the older woman comes into view, a low whistle sounds and her son’s dunce of a friend stands up.

“Mrs.Bakugou it’s so nice to see you again” Kaminari says with a polite bow, following up with; “Might I add, that you look absolutely breath taking”.

“I know that already, and just like I told you last time; I’m years out of your league little boy” she quips, much to the other’s amusement. After they all finish greeting one another, she starts towards the door “Y/N you’re in charge while we’re away, don’t let Katsuki fuck the house up!”.

“I…I won’t mom, have fun!”

The door slams before Katsuki can finish insulting his mother.

“Tch good fuckin’ riddance” Katsuki huffs, wrapping his arm around you.

“So are we going to get an explanation about the bombshell you just dropped on us a few minutes ago or…?” Sero directs this at Bakugou.

“Yeah man, to be honest I’m kind of hurt that neither one of you two updated me on such a big step in your relationship” Kirishima adds, putting on his best hurt expression.

“The fuck are you on about-“

“You just told us that you two are living together! Y/n just called your mother “Mom”!” Mina exclaims “Both those things are a huge deal!”.

Katsuki feels you shift uncomfortably, pressing further into his side, lightly grabbing onto his shirt. The shouting and too personal line of questioning was amping up your anxiety. When your eyes meet his they are glassy enough with unshed tears to clearly display his reflection.

“Some things happened and now she’s staying here, it’s not your business until she decides to share it, and if she doesn’t than fuck off” his tone leaves no room for disagreement, that’s that. You are thankful for his intervention, your friends are great people but you still have yet to process everything that happened to you, it’s all still so fresh.

You barely have adjusted to your new surroundings.

Barely adjusted to your relationship.

“Oh that reminds me!” Denki picks his bag up off the floor, setting it on his lap, “I brought party favors”. A large bottle of liquor and a 2-liter of soda are placed on the coffee table.

“Ooooh it’s not the cheap stuff this time” Mina notes, studying the bottle.

“You fuckers really came over here and thought you were just gonna use my house as a place to get drunk and freeload? Nah fuck all that, GET OUT!”

Katsuki shouts, standing up so abruptly you end up getting knocked side ways on the couch.

“Now Now Bakubro just relax, we won’t break or mess up anything alright? We can order pizza and play video games or even watch that new movie about-“ Kirishima’s attempt to convince him gets interrupted by a loud squeal from Mina as a spark emitting hand swipes towards the bottle “Sero catch!”.

A game of keep away ensues and you watch your friends racing around, hopping over furniture to evade a furious Katsuki.

“Order us Pizza y/n-Chan” Kirishima says with a wink as he tosses you his phone. You do as you were told and continue to sit there awkwardly until Katsuki finally simmers down, “Fuckin’ knock it off before you assholes break something and I have to get my ass chewed out for it”. Celebratory whooping and cheers sounds around the room from the other four;

“So that means we win!”

“I’m thirsty from all that running!”

“Knew you’d give in eventually bro”

“When’s the pizza coming?”

You answered the last question immediately “Thirty minutes”.

“Boo that’s a long time” a collective sigh from the group can be heard as they all stare at the slouched over electric blonde. “Would you go get us some cups pretty girl?” Katsuki asks, bringing your attention back to him (where it should be).

“Y-yes of course” the stuttering came from the intensity of his stare, you were happy to briefly free the room.

This whole situation was uncomfortable and awkward, to you at least.

The group had been to Bakugou’s house twice before, and they all agreed on two things; It was big and LOUD.

Two things that still held true.

Then there was a new addition;

Which is you.

Something was different about you though….

For being four heroes in training it’s kind of pathetic that only Mina picked up on the vague signs that something had happened to you. What that was she was unsure, but it was definitely SOMETHING serious. Her eyes continually lingered on you after you’d come to join them now that you were dressed.

You met her gaze only once.

The small smile you gave her didn’t reach your eyes, and the pinkette did her best to wordlessly express her concerns.

“Later” you’d mouthed so quickly she almost missed it as you pressed yourself even further into Katsuki. Noticing the way he stared at you, Mina quickly feigned checking her phone before that white hot stare was redirected towards her.

You already anticipated the questions she would more than likely ask you, and you came up with both sensible, and blasé enough answers. Only one of the questions you couldn’t come up with an answer for, and it was undoubtedly the simplest one; Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Well are you?

By the average person’s standards you are right? There is breath in your lungs, blood moving through you veins and pushing through your heart.

You aren’t on the streets or alone in that big house anymore.

You could argue that this is the best you have ever been; You finally know you are wanted somewhere.

Every good thing in your life right now is all brought about by one person in particular….

Katsuki.

So what if he makes all your decisions for you? You get to sleep in his nice warm bed, cuddled up with him every night.

It wasn’t necessarily attention you wanted at first, but you’ve come to crave it.

Being alone in the dark, stalked by shadows, haunted by the past…It changed you.

Katsuki ended up making your drink for you once you’d returned with the glasses. It wasn’t a particular booze you enjoyed that was being served, but the continuous whispers of “C’mon baby drink up” followed by “There you go, that’s my good girl” encouraged you.

On your third and final you didn’t even seem to mind Katsuki’s wandering hands under your hoodie or creeping up the inside of your thigh. He had you partially laying across his lap once the movie started, the lights were dim enough that no one noticed what he was doing to you.

“You like them being right here don’t you? What if they knew where my fingers were right now haaaah? Fuckin’ slut…Bet you’d let me fuck you in front of them” he says whilst nibbling on your ear. You only clamp down on his fingers in response. It felt nice to get out of your head for a bit, the liquor stopped the swirling rip tides that were your feelings and in the normally chaotic sea of thoughts. You didn’t feel like you were treading water or drowning anymore, you just floated along.

You were aware the movie had stopped playing so it must have finished, and you knew everyone around you was talking but you couldn’t focus on what they were saying. All you could focus on was the sudden overwhelming feeling of emptiness as two thick fingers slid out of your drooling cunt.

“Suuu-“ you begin to whine and immediately shut up when a hot hand comes down on your mound. The heat was what delivered a sting since the slap wasn’t loud enough to be heard.

A ding came from someone’s phone, followed by a drunken slur sounding somewhat like “uberzere!” You now notice your friends were all packed up and ready to go.

“Wait…hugs!”

That sounded like your voice, wait it was your voice that shouted out.

“Awwwwww” cooed the drunken quartet as they redirected their drunken stumbling towards you, rather than the door.

“Oi get the fuck off of me, Shit faced Shitty hair!” Katsuki snarls, only halfheartedly shoving at the wall like man with an arm draped over his best bud’s shoulders.

“C’mon man this is a group hug! C’mere princess you too!” Kirishima wraps his other arm around you “Now the rest of you!”. Within seconds this group hug turned into a fuckin’ dog pile; The angry blonde was the first to emerge and after getting his lungs filled with fresh air, he realized you were still under there!

“Get off of her you fuckers! I’ll blow you all to hell if she’s hurt! Y/NNNNN!!!”

Everyone (minus you) ended up clumsily running out the door, barreling down the driveway toward their awaiting ride.

“Let’s do this again sometime!” Kirishima shouts, quickly yanking the car door shut to avoid his best friend’s wrath.

Somehow you’d ended up flat on your back on the living room floor, you let out a drunken giggle at the ridiculousness of it all.

Closing your eyes, you allow yourself to soak in this unhinged apathy, running your finger tips down your body to reignite the fire he started.

“What do you think you’re doing haaaah?”

Re-Opening your eyes to see Katsuki frowning down at you, “Why are you still on the floor?”. You aren’t given time to answer as he scoops you up in his arms “Yer sooo strong suuukiiii, sooo powerful and sexy too”.

“Tch you just now noticed all that? Dumbass” he scoffs, but puffs his chest out with pride anyway.

“No I knew it…I’m just happy that you made everything okay again…Yer bad but you keep the bad away….which means yer good…really goooood”

“The fuck you mean I’m bad?”

“You take things that don’t belong to you, touch things you’re told not toooo”

He tossed you on the bed with more force then necessary.

“If you are referring to yourself; You are mine and I’ll touch you whenever I want to, sure weren’t complaining a little bit ago when I was finger fucking you in front of the idiots”

He’s mad.

You aren’t in your right mind.

Ingredients for a disaster.

“Stop acting like a dumb bitch, it’s not cute” he snarls, heading back downstairs to get you both some water and shut the lights off.

“-The incident…couldn’t face myself in the mirror anymore” you finish mumbling as he re-enters the room, dismissing your words as drunken rambling. “Katsuki” you softly call out to him as he approached the bed. Getting a gruff “m’here” in response as he sits down on the bed “Get up princess, you need to drink this”. You squeal as the freezing cold water bottle hits your skin, quickly sitting up and shivering.

“When did you-“ he asks, staring at your bare chest.

“Got too hot” you interrupt, opening the water bottle and swigging it down.

You both sit in silence after finishing your water, it’s not awkward but the air around you seems…heavy?

“So what the fuck was that earlier when you were standing at the door?”

Here we go.

“I had been in your mom’s room helping zip up her dress when the doorbell rang; She thought it was your dad that locked himself out again, so she asked me to let him in, and I did, or thought that’s what I was doing…”

You lay back on the bed, feeling small and vunerable under the harsh stare of red eyes.

“When you saw who it was why didn’t you shut the door or call for me? Just prefer to let everyone see you? Bet they got a good look at all the marks I’ve left on you” such a prideful grin Katsuki has after mentioning that last part.

You didn’t have a response for that.

“Them and everyone else need to know who you belong to, but the question is…Do you know? Haah princess?”.

Of course you know, what kind of dumb question is that? It’s not like you could fucking forget it at this point.

“M’talkin’ to you pretty girl” he grabs your chin and forces you to look up at him.

“You”

“That’s right” he rewards you with a kiss “ I’m gonna take good care of you baby, you won’t ever be neglected like you were by your parents…Gonna give you all my attention and affection 24/7”. You can’t help it, you have to mess with him; “What if someone tries to steal me away? What will you do then?”.

“Oh princess why do you gotta ask stupid shit like that?” He grumbled, tracing the shell of your ear with his tounge “They wouldn’t because anyone who even tries to make a serious pass at you will get their brains spattered across the pavement”.

“Surely I’m not worth killing someone over?” you ask, rolling on your side to face him.

Somehow you were sweltering a few minutes ago, but now goosebumps are starting to cover your arms. Only a thin sheet covers your lower half, your torso exposed to the cool air blowing from the ceiling vents. Instinctively, you cuddle up to the warm mass laying beside you.

“No one takes what belongs to me, and you belong to me, so that means you are worth killing for dumbass” Katsuki corrects you, an immediate pinch to your nipple follows.

“Ow!” You push at his chest, attempting to move back towards your side of the bed.

“Oh what you big baby?” he sneers.

One of his muscular arms was draped across your waist, now he has a healthy handful of your ass. Effectively preventing your escape and groping you meanly.

“Oh and to answer your other dumb ass question” he pauses to pull you back towards him, until your breasts are squished against his pecs “If you ever think you’ll be “stolen” or runaway…”. Crimson eyes are alight with fire as they glare down at you, and you gasp as his grip on your ass becomes painfully tight.

“Just know that you won’t ever be able to hide from me for long princess” you feel his other hand in your hair before he tugs it backwards, exposing the length of your throat “I’ve got your scent burned into my nose and the taste of you seared across my tongue”.

His warm wet tongue licks a stripe up your throat and you gulp nervously as his mouth suctions over your pulse point. The satisfactory groan he lets out as his teeth sink into your flesh rattles your brain and you cry out in pain.

“No one else has ever caught my eye like you did, Nobody was worth putting in effort for me to get to know, except you; You weren’t afraid of me, always ready to give me a hard time, fuckin’ teasing me all the time and leaving my balls blue, I endured all of it though…” he kisses the newest mark he’s left on you “It was all worth it just to have you here with me like this; Living here with me in my parents house, sharing my childhood bed, working out with me every morning and fucking me every night…S’perfect, better than I ever dreamed”.

This is as close to heartfelt as you can get from Katsuki Bakugou, it’s crude and aggressive but his guard is lowered.

He wants to connect with you y/n…

Vulnerable isn’t something he’s used to being…Still, he’s trying hard for YOU.

You aren’t alone.

Someone wants you.

Someone needs you.

Someone LOVES you!

Don’t fuck this up for yourself.

Your hands slide purposefully up his chest and come to rest on both his cheeks. That dazzling smile he loves so much clicks into place, unshed tears shine in your eyes (that bite hurts like hell) it makes him feel especially proud to know that his words have moved you to tears.

“I love you so much Katsuki, please don’t ever leave me…you make my life worth living, even though it’s been such a short time I’d be lost without you”

Put the cherry on top of your bullshit sundae 🍒🍨

“I need you”

These lies just flow seamlessly from between your lips now. Only a few months ago you couldn’t get them out without a nervous stutter or twisted up gut.

Are they really lies anymore y/n?

“I know I’m shit with words so…can I just fuck my feelings into you now?”

“Thought I was in trouble?”

“That’s right you are! Such a good fuckin’ girl! Reminding daddy that he needs to put you over his knee still” his praise lacks condescension, it must be genuine. Sweaty palms paw at your breasts before giving each a soft squeeze, the kisses he places on both of them are feather light.

“My girl…My perfect fuckin’ princess”

It was as if he was stuck like an old record; continuously repeating himself over and over again. The gruff voice that used to make your heart skip a beat, had now become the sound track to your descent into this unfamiliar territory.

Have you fallen down the rabbit hole into insanity?

Or have you really just fallen in love with a beast?

Are you Belle or Alice?

Both scenarios are equally as treacherous, especially once you’ve lost yourself along the way….

“I’m all you have left and you can’t even see it!”

[journalofimprobablethings]

Thinking about Tim and Jon's friendship and what it would have been like if Tim accompanied Jon on his trip to America, and how Tim would have reacted then to the whole "statement dependence thing" and...well my hand slipped and here we are.

[A MOTEL, SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA]

[CLICK]

(Background noise of a distant road, the rattle and cough of an old air conditioning unit. The sound of a door closing.)

TIM Welcome back. Any news from the outside world?

(A shaky sigh, then a short, sudden exclamation from the Archivist. The creak of bed springs as Tim jumps up to steady him.)

TIM Whoa, hey now. Easy there. You all right?

ARCHIVIST (hoarse, a bit strained) Yes. Just...got dizzy is all.

TIM That’s been happening a lot. You sure you’re all right?

ARCHIVIST I’m fine, Tim. Stop fussing. You sound like Martin.

TIM Martin usually has the right of it.

(The Archivist makes a grumpy noise. Tim sighs.)

What’s that? A letter?

ARCHIVIST Yes, um..the man at the...at the front desk had it for us. I don’t...I don’t know how anyone even knows where we are to send us post, but..

TIM We're on the great American road trip to find a dead man who might tell us how to stop a circus from ending the world, and mystery post is what gets you?

ARCHIVIST Fair enough.

(a pause, intake of breath)

It's from Elias.

TIM (immediate) Burn it.

ARCHIVIST What?

TIM You've got that spooky lighter. Burn it and be done.

ARCHIVIST Spooky lighter...?

TIM Come on. The spiderweb one. You always have it on you.

ARCHIVIST (distracted) Mm, yes… I-I think I need to open it.

TIM Why? Who cares what the fuck Elias has to say?

ARCHIVIST I do. I'm sorry, Tim, I don't like it either, but Elias is...the only person right now who I know has some answers.

TIM Yeah, answers he refuses to give you until it's convenient for him. You can't trust him, Jon.

ARCHIVIST I know. I don't trust him. I don't. But I...if he can tell me anything about what's going on... isn't it better to know? 

TIM Fine. Open the damn thing. I can't stop you. Just sit down before you keel over.

(Bed springs squeak again, then tearing paper as the Archivist opens the envelope)

ARCHIVIST It's a statement.

TIM Joy.

ARCHIVIST "To tide you over." H-how does he...?

TIM (a bitter laugh) Right. Of course. Of course it's not just a regular illness. It's something spooky, some creepy eldritch bullshit--

ARCHIVIST Tim--

TIM

How can you be so calm about this? You're away from your regularly scheduled diet of trauma for a few days and you what, start to go into withdrawal? And Elias knew, he knew this would happen, he probably posted that before we even left, that bastard--

ARCHIVIST Tim, please...I need...god, my head.

TIM All right, all right. Sorry. Read it. I'll just... Be over here with my fingers in my ears. Poke me when you're done.

ARCHIVIST Right. R-right. Um...

Statement of Howard Ewing, regarding his interview with an unidentified member of British Transport Police. Original statement given February 1st, 2010. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of hte Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins….

--

[LATER.]

TIM Done?

ARCHIVIST Yes. Yes, I...

TIM Feeling any better?

ARCHIVIST I...I think so, but I'm just...tired. I'm going to go to bed. 

TIM Jon--

ARCHIVIST Tomorrow, Tim. Please.

TIM Okay, fine. Tomorrow.

[CLICK]

--

[THE NEXT MORNING.]

[CLICK]

(The sound of the door opening and closing, then the slide and rattle of curtains being drawn. An inarticulate groan from Tim at the light.)

ARCHIVIST (his voice much stronger, almost chipper) Good morning.

TIM Nrggh. 

ARCHIVIST They had breakfast out in the lobby. The coffee’s foul, but it might wake you up.

(Tim makes another inarticulate noise He takes a sip of coffee, and the Archivist laughs at his noise of disgust.)

TIM Feeling better, then?

ARCHIVIST Much.

TIM Hmph.

ARCHIVIST Tim…

TIM I know. I know. I'm glad you're feeling better, I am. It's just...I hate this. This whole thing. 

ARCHIVIST I’m not exactly thrilled about it myself.

(Pause for a sip of coffee. The silence is heavy.)

TIM So. Are we going to talk about it?

ARCHIVIST What is there to talk about?

TIM I mean...what does this mean for you? Do you need statements to survive now? What happens if you stop?

ARCHIVIST I don't know. And I don't particularly want to find out. At least not right now.

TIM Really? You're just going to lean into the eldritch bullshit?

ARCHIVIST You saw how I got. Dizzy, vague--sometimes it felt like I could barely string a coherent sentence together. I can't afford to get that bad again, not while we're here.

TIM But there has to be some other way--

ARCHIVIST I don't think there is. If Elias sends more, I have to keep reading them.

(A sigh.)

I don't like it any more than you do.  But I don't think I have a choice. We need to keep going, to follow Gertrude's trail, and I can't do that if I'm ill. Maybe...maybe once we get back, once we stop the Unknowing we can...experiment. But right now, I need my wits about me. We both do.

TIM I just...what happens to you if you keep going? Will you keep becoming more dependent on them? What does that look like? Will the written statements be enough? How do we--

ARCHIVIST

I don't know! (a pause.) I don't know.

TIM It scares me.

ARCHIVIST (softly) I know. It scares me too. I don't want this, Tim. But we don't have a lot of other options.

(A long, long pause.)

TIM Okay. But when we get home, we’re going to figure out a way around this. Elias isn't getting any more of you without a fight.

ARCHIVIST (tired, but smiling) You promise?

TIM I promise.

[CLICK]