#last day of semi sleeping in
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gooooooood morning!!!!!!!!
#lakes thoughts#8:55am#last day of semi sleeping in#at least#for the next 3 days#all 7am shifts i will die
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Meiji: Why would I sit on a chair/the couch when my girlfriend's lap is literally RIGHT THERE
#the two of us#yeah my resolution of waiting for all the episodes to come out to watch all in one go lasted all of 2 days lmao#but I had a family gathering and I needed smth short-ish to watch that would give me an excuse to go into a corner and avoid everyone#and when I saw that there was literally no content on episode 4 (aka THE FLUFFIEST FLUFF THAT EVER FLUFFED)#(although the fact that they probably gave us all that because in the next episode we will Suffer was not lost on me laughcry)#I decided to go ahead and make this post that had been in my head for a while#because I absolutely love this#by far my favourite recurring thing they do nawwwwww#(let's not talk about the fact that I didn't even need to rewatch the whole thing just to search for these instances#because I knew exactly which ones they were lolllll)#anyways they have absolutely NO RIGHT to be this sickeningly adorable I'm gonna call the police#they have completely taken over my life like I used to be a normal person with a semi-decent sleep schedule and now look at me#not a single regret though#shitty screencap posts (TM)
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iron / heart
Part of LoL Esports Elemental Series.
#lolelements#lol esports#t1 faker#t1 oner#t1 zeus#t1 gumayusi#t1 keria#skt bang#skt wolf#skt bengi#skt kkoma#warning: MAJOR yapping incoming below#thinking about still here.mp3 and 'gripping with my cold hands the shapes i used to take'#'it could all end here with the strange daylight caught in our eyes'#'my shadow stretching out through all the things i left behind'#opening ceremony+t1 has everything they need to put me on a stretcher to ER#images from lol esports flickr (2016 worlds either finals or semis i goofed and forgot)#(and msi 2024 brackets features and worlds 2024 semis features)#there is a universe where i collected more pics and put a bit more thought into which word should go to who#but that universe also involves me doing this at a time that is not 5am#this is my last one probably twas lots of fun but new things on the horizon for me#this post is scheduled to post on finals day but just know that i am awake and shitting my pants over worlds finals#then recovery period and then im shifting into arcane mode#being completely deranged is a full time commitment never let anyone tell you otherwise#lil pat on the back for myself for successfully posting one per day til finals EVEN if they were sorta mediocre or dupes hahaha#special thanks to t1 for making it to semis because if they didn't there's a chance i would have lost steam LMAO#work school and the physical need for sleep work hard#but the esports demons in my brain work harder
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my sleep schedule is so Wack i'm genuinely dreading that i have work at NOON tomorrow because i'll have to wake up "early".
i would say "what working 3-11 does to a mf" but that'd be a lie. i was like this when i was unemployed too
#eliot posts#idk how i'm gonna adjust to a job w a normal schedule#i maintained a semi nornal schedule for several months earlier this year but it randomly fell apart again#and i haven't been able to fix it#i've been like this my whole life even as a kid#runnin on 5 hours sleep every day at school cuz it started so early#ON THE BRIGHT SIDE tomorrow's patient is a cool as hell dude and i'm excited to see him again#last time he gave me a tour of his farm and showed me his antique collection and an album of his volunteer projects#hopefully i won't get lost going to his house this time lol
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happy cringe day Wednesday here we go again
#here’s that thing i mentioned#happy cringe day Wednesday#kirbyposting#semi future au#i dont really wanna tag this#basically if you decide to read it just mind the fic tags#i just figured since i was talking about this last wednesday i should share it#uhhh#yeah the perfectionism has been hitting hard lately + im super busy#one of those ‘I had to get my friend to make me post this’ kinda things#so ig the only thing to do is to just post it#im just gonna queue this and go to sleep
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I'm bored and can't sleep because of cramps so I decided to mess around with an incorrect quotes generator using the latest OCs @katkastrofa and I created that I unfortunately cannot talk about in detail here because I'd get nerfed in an instant:
#idk how in character most of these are since we don't have too good a grasp on their personalities yet#they've literally existed for a day#but I tried my best and think most of them are rather fitting#the last one is easily my favourite lmao#you know. considering what this blog used to be five years ago...#does this count as going back to my roots?#(say it with me now. silt and murk giving birth to something beautiful)#(that being my friendship with kat <3)#'but nia you and kat already have 29 OCs of your own creation. 31 if you count the adopted ones and 34 if you count Midori's unnamed kids!'#'maybe you should slow your roll a little?? you're on track to having created 20 OCs this year alone and it's not even September!'#'most of them are never even gonna feature in a fic or anything but the convos you and kat have! why bother?'#because I'm mentally ill and my life is falling apart and the only thing that helps me function is what kat and I have#the multiverse of madness included#also I have chronic 'I'm gonna spin these little guys in my head for hours >:)' disease#and there's no cure#hope this helps :)#lmao idk what to talk about in these tags since idk how much I'm allowed to say#both because of the ban and because I'm not 18 yet#idk how much difference a month actually makes but eh. those rules aren't up to me unfortunately#it's 5 a.m I should go to bed#I need to get my sleep schedule at least semi normal before Monday#:(
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.
#i tried to take a nap because im so exhausted from yesterday (relatives been visitng whole day and the last ones went away at midnight 💀🥲)#but i just spent an hour lying on bed unable to fall asleep in this semi-slumber state#i used to get knocked out into a dream the moment my head touched a pillow#now i can’t even nap anymore i feel like i am slowly losing the ability to quickly fall asleep despite body being so freaking tired#i just want to sleep and feel well rested once;;#tbd
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ayyyyyyy I set up an appointment for medication this Friday (telemedicine but whatever) and I get to see my former therapist again later this month. I’m kind of excited. More than kind of. Little sad, but I’m lonely and want to talk to someone. He’s a real cool dude. I’m a little worried to trauma dump the last 6 months on him, but whatever, it beats sitting there for an hour feeling like I’m wasting his time and struggling to think of things to say. dang dang dang, I’m excited.
#I’m excited to tell him about my mom’s transplant. less so to mention all my dark moments since we last spoke.#ok so I gotta wait a week for antidepressants and then a couple of weeks for them to take effect#that’s a lot of waiting#especially with how rough I’ve been these last couple of weeks#I probably have more appointments I should schedule but we’ll see#I’ve only been able to sleep sitting up#like the dang elephantman#something about laying down freaks me out#it’s uncomfortable and not very restful and just thinking about sleep gives me anxiety#brains are fucky#oof… now it’s setting in. I’ve got an appointment but it’s 5 days away#5 days of… this. anxiety and distraction and my sick brain#this is my fault#well… no. yes. I don’t want to COMPLETELY beat myself up for it#I should have been managing my mental health better instead of waiting until I spiraled out#I should have been managing my health better in general!#this isn’t sexy to say but I hate my body. I’ve run it down. and it’s going to be so much harder getting back to something semi healthy#but I’m trying now 😕 so maybe that’ll count for something#I’ve been realizing that I really really miss going to the gym late at night#that’s what I need now. been doing these little drives at night to distract myself but having an actual place to go would be much better#BUT! too expensive. need to work and make some money. not excited for that but I needs it. I neeeeeeds money. for burgers. and distractions#this is too rambly. I’m sorry. I thought about counseling and got too excited to talk and talk#I talk too much#you can ignore this#text
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okay ive been awake for almost 23 hours now, what do you wanna bet ill sleep for less than 5 :/
#PLEASE just let me sleep a normal amount#i was doing so good and then the last few days i havent been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night#lol my semi-weekly sleep schedule update: its going bad!#in other news: water is wet
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Song of the Day: June 7
"STFU!" by Rina Sawayama
#song of the day#calling this one now only semi-arbitrarily--it makes sense to me but is maybe a dumb reason to declare the end of a day#my phone needs to be plugged in#my phone charges when I do--by which I mean I only ever remember/bother to plug it in when I lay down to try to sleep--#and I've got a really good battery and one of those superfast chargers so it usually doesn't die even when I'm struggling#but today is going to be a three day thing sort of--I slept a bunch (accidentally) Thursday afternoon and threw myself off again#and my phone is at 2% and won't load any more firefox tabs so that's it for Friday! hello Saturday the day my littles are coming!!#actually what's been stuck in my head today is the ee cummings poem [as freedom is a breakfastfood]#the first verse I have and the last I always have but the middle ones get muddled around on me. all out of order#'worms are the words but joy's the voice / down shall go which and up come who#breasts will be breasts thighs will be thighs / deeds cannot dream what dreams can do#--time is a tree(this life one leaf) / but love is the sky and i am for you / just so long and long enough'#I love Tolkien for his rockingchair rhythms and cummings for his open-handed nonsense#and I don't have much of a specific reason to pick this song for today#but it was playing earlier and I do love how she blended her maniacal laughter into the music. truly exceptional work
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I am exhausted.
#i slept in until 11:30 today. which is bad.#im moving tomorrow. im not prepared at all whatsoever#thats a lie. im semi-prepared#but not enough to move tomorrow#and certainly not enough to afford to sleep in until 11:30#im about to have a fucking breakdown#i have heavy shit to lift and no one to help me so i dont know how im going to get it out of my apartment#like my huge fucking dresser and my mattress#i dont know how im going to do this by myself. i dont know how im going to do this#and i really dont have the energy. clearly#tomorrow i have to have all my shit packed and get out of the apartment by 3:30pm#thats not a lot of time#in fact i have no time#for anything#i can tell that im going to have a full fucking breakdown tomorrow#im gonna take a vyvanse and hope thatll carry me through#if i stop posting its because ive died#just dropped dead from the stress#on the bright side today is my last day of work!!!!!!!#thank god#this is gonna be the longest shift od my fucking life. but when its done its done!!#wish me luck. keep me in your prayers
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um hi again lmao
#i havent been on my laptop in like 7 days lmao ive been dealing with a LOT of trauma after what happened last friday#and im still not fully better but im not crying and shaking all day and i can actually eat again and sleep semi-normally#so theres that#vikki.txt
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...
#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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couldnt sleept i am. so. yeah.
#logbook#still sick. idk whats happening to my body.#i AM on the mend tho i sound and feel much bebtter but. havent been able to sleep overnight and stay asleep for 3 days.#even if i wake up once or twice i can roll over and try again but noooo.#ok loser (semi affectionate)#also had an email from the nursery i applied to at the beginning of the month. finally.#turns out the lady was sick also (man) but then she asked me to download and send back my app 😭#tbc i get shes sick but i also let myself laugh a little in mild despair. anyways i responded this morning and RESENT my same app and#resume. i renamed them again for her if thats helpful.#so thats a good sign. they havent filled the position yet.#im trying to go back to sleep but i guess i'll turn on another uki mc vod and rest a bit then get up. nap later.#miss everybody. i have felt so unhuman these last 5 days lol.#oh yeah also need to respond to mst today she sent me stuff abt the job at l*wes 😔🙄😶
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my current favorite group of plushies.
#green talks#the peeps rabbit the bf got me one year for valentines day...the easter stuff was out.#his name is blue mokke. mokke as in the bunny creatures from tbhk.#the crocodile (alligator?) is named big challenges. named after sanrio big challenges. the bf named him.#we got him from a store that no longer exists.#the bear is chubchub. chubchub will always be a favorite. i got him when i used to work at goodwill three or so years ago.#hes my best friend.#the cat is from a video game i think. its actually my boyfriends. but hes nice to hold while sleeping. the bf got him semi recently#i think he went to some type of event. tiny con or like...a card game event or something. idk. i was at work.#anyways and then theres 💚knives💚#hes my actual favorite rn. the bf got him for me for my birthday last month!!!!#he sits on my desk and receives kissies throughout the day.#i kissie him and then i have the bf kissie him. kissie transfer#<- this is something i like to do with my plushies. kissie transfer.
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I am literally so exhausted but I have so much shit to do that I just cannot shut down the way I so desperately want to rn lol.
#˚ʚ meda rants ɞ˚#guess who experienced a semi-traumatic event last night and got like three hours of sleep#hahaha meeee!! <3#the horrors persist but so do iiiii ✨🌈🐬🌊#the way i am coping is by writing the sam winchester comfort fic that’s been living in my brain for a few days lmao
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