#i can tell that im going to have a full fucking breakdown tomorrow

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I am exhausted.

[cubedmango]

Hey naina, tried to rewatch the cherry magic movie tonight. Got up to the nagasaki scene. It’s currently paused,,, I have cried genuinely. non stop since I pressed play? My head hurts really badly I think. I’m gonna try again tomorrow I hope you’re having a lovely day

(other ask under the cut for length)

KUROSAWA SAYING WHEN YOU DIDN’T TURN TO ME I WAS SAD AND THAT ONE FUCKIN TEAR THAT FALLS FROM HIS EYES AND THE WAY HE LAUGHS AND APOLOGISES FOR BEING A MESS I NEED A NURSE like i’m gonna. Die i’m two seconds away from throwing up my heart why would he. Why did they film a movie with such intent to tear me to the ground the way he can barely speak and has to try and gather himself multiple times with deep breaths before speaking and ends up crying anyway the way adachi looks on helplessly wondering how to comfort him and let him know how much he loves him the way. The way he tries to bridge the gap between them with understanding through touch one of kurosawa’s main love languages the way kurosawa’s eyes are so glossy and doe like as he waits for adachi’s kiss the way he says his name so softly the way adachi rests his hand on kurosawa’s knee and their hands find each other so slowly…, so softly… so tenderly… the way they can literally speak 636373 words with just their hands alone and do way more for the sake of romance and true deep mutual love than anything the way none of these are in order of how they happen because my brain is seeping out of my ears naina what the actual fuck were they thinking..,, machida keita akaso eiji and kazam hiroki you will receive my medical bills shortly i’m. I wow so. cool

PLEASE IM CRYING KFJHSDKFHDSJF ALL OF THIS IS SO REAL??????? cm crew put Smth into the nagasaki scene idk what but its insane like i will never Not be feral when i think abt it ...... kurosawas breakdown is so painful to see hes been holding everything back for So Fucking Long and imagining all the events from his perspective is crazy like think abt it. he has no idea if adachis ok or not and none of his calls go through and theyre so far apart like Imagine . the fact he wasnt like full on bawling in that scene means hes still holding back so much probs for adachis sake its so aaarhrrhGHGFGHF!!!!!!! LET HIM CRY MORE PLEASE.......

adachis side was perfectly analyzed in that meta i rbed earlier so i have nothing substantial to add but god for the 58302th time his Growth ..... even in ep 12 he had to get that push from tsuge to go meet w kurosawa but in the movie he could already tell kurosawa was putting up a front (and literally predicted it would happen as soon as he got the transfer offer) and he probs planned on talking abt it when he flied back to tokyo before the incident which is. ... .. and the look of determination on his face the entire time kurosawa finally broke down w no panic no overthinking like "I Am Going To Love And Cherish This Man So Hard" and comforting kurosawa w touch and no longer caring abt the magic that hes become reliant on for kurosawas sake. . Yeah im going to be ill about these two for the rest of my life thank u cm crew god bles <3

[too-sxft-for-all-of-it]

the only person i have to talk about this to is my girlfriend, and i just need to get this written out and feel like im talking to people. please not that this is a vent and you are by all means not obligated to read it!!! this is a very triggering matter so read with caution!!!

trigger warnings: massive vent including sui-ideation, attempts, mental breakdown, pessimistic views, self deprecation, lots of cussing, mentions of my chronic illnesses, overall this is not good

i dont even know where to begin with this. ive had a lot of bad days in my life, but today i can say with full confidence was the absolute worst day of my life. i spent an entire day convinced i was dying being sick and this still tops it as the worst.

as ive said before, ive working hard on finishing high school. i did two years in person before i got POTS from long covid in 2022 and was forced to do online due to the school not cooperating. it sucked, im still not over it, but im working. ive gone through so much since then, lots of sickness and mental crisis where i struggled doing my schoolwork. i fell behind and i know i did, i will never forgive myself for that

i was originally supposed to graduate in may. then july. then october 20th. then october 27th. thats this sunday.

after working my ass off through the shit i went through this summer, the extreme trauma i got from losing all of my friends, i had done it. on the 14th, i got 100 on my last final and submitted my application for graduation. i finished my online courses with a 4.0 gpa. my girlfriend and family were all so proud of me. i was too.

then soon after i learned that my failed past would come back to haunt me. while i had long covid in 2022, my chemistry teacher refused to help me. she said, and i quote, "im not going to be your private tutor" (side note: i caught her privately tutoring one of her ap kids in the library while waiting for band practice, but thats beside the point)

because of her, i failed, and had to do credit recovery. i did it but my grade could only go up to a 70. once i learned that my new school combines my old grades on my final transcript and that would determine my gpa, i knew i was fucked. i cried and wanted to give up but i just knew i was graduating and it would be fine. turns out i didnt worry about the right thing

cut to this morning. we were supposed to leave tomorrow, i had been ready to start packing. i was coming upstairs to eat my breakfast when i checked my phone. i saw my account had been reinstated and my application for graduation was gone. now, i assumed my credits would be counted as my new school counted them. but apparently they didnt and they caught me where i missed in feburary of 2023 when i joined.

today, around 12:30, when i was about to eat and get ready to pack i let out the most heartwrenching scream. i sobbed and ran downstairs and told my parents. my dad started to look into it while i ran back upstairs and fell apart

apparently, the credits that shouldve been counted as a full were only counted as half. so now im missing 0.5 credits in two subjects, which is one overall- however those are both separate requirements, so if i cant get this fixed im going to have to do two entire full classes in order to finish on time to go to college in jan

maybe if this would've happened a few days ago it wouldve been better. but it was less than 12 hours before i would be asleep early to go on the trip in the morning. they waited until the last minute to tell me that "oh by the way you cant come this weekend lmao"

i fell apart. my dad looked into it while i sobbed and screamed and broke down. i was talking to my girlfriend texting her telling her i wanted to die and this was the final straw. i get suicidal episodes a lot, but this was the worst.

a lot of it blends together and i dont want to go through the texts to relive it. but it was hell. i was falling apart for hours while waiting for an answer. my dad called the school and we had to wait hours for a call back about what the fuck had happened

the credits, no matter how absolutely fucked up it is, was explained. but the worst part? my dad asked if i could at least walk this weekend. pretend to graduate so i can have my ceremony. you know what they said?

they said no. and that was it for me.

ive had EVERYTHING taken from me in my life. i lost my high school experience because of my body, ive lost every friend ive had and so fucking much, and now i lost this too. i dont get to graduate high school. the one singular fucking thing i had the chance to have is gone.

i broke down in the bathroom. i attempted to kill myself. i was googling and trying to find ways to make it not hurt while talking to my girlfriend. i found a belt and. almost did it but i was scared. and i hate myself for being scared because i truly believe(d) i deserve to die

i am worthless and stupid for thinking i could have one thing in my life. im an idiot for thinking this coudlve worked out and i couldve been happy. i have never felt such utter despair and humiliation as i felt today. i wanted to break my cap i worked so hard on, burn my gown and cords, destroy everything because nothing i do is ever good enough

i work my ass off and no one fucking cares. its never enough. all of the pain ive suffered and fought through was for nothing. i worked my fucking ass off to finish on time and for what? nothing. absolutely nothing. my girlfriend was so proud and now i know shes ashamed. so are my parents and everyone around me

this is going to be the hardest weekend of my life, and i can make no promises i will survive it. im trying to push through for my love, but its hard, its so fucking hard. we called after i was safely back in bed and talked for over and hour and a half. we cried and talked and just were together. it was hard. i dont know whats going to happen but im scared

this was last minute and everyone is upset. my little sister was so excited to go, and i heard her sobbing when she got home from school. my dad seems exhausted. my grandparents probably cant get the money back from their flight. we were supposed to be leaving tomorrow and now its all just gone. we were going to go to the zoo and now thats gone too. we had gotten everything for the trip and now its just. gone

im trying to gather my credits and figure it out. all i know is i will not be graduating class of 2024, if at all. i skipped sixth grade and now it doesnt even show. the next ceremony isnt until next may, so even if i did finish this year i wouldnt be where i should be. it truly is over

ive never felt more ashamed and humiliated than i do today. i dont think ill ever recover from this.

they say it gets better but when? how? when will it finally end and i will finally have something go my way for once. its all i want. all i want is a chance to be happy but i never have it.

please ive been on my knees change the prophecy

let it once be me who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy

but i looked to the sky and said please

[imagines-mha]

class 1-B and night routines

Monoma: if monoma doesn’t annoy at least 2 people per night he simply will not sleep. Wears the comfiest pyjamas- like a 100% cotton top and plaid pj bottoms and everyones so fuckin jealous. He tells everyone he has a 16 step self-care routine he does every night but he really just brushes his teeth and then sits on his phone for like 2 hours? Ike what do you GET out of lying??? 

Tetsutetsu: he thinks going to bed after 11pm is criminal. Literally doesn’t understand the cryptidcrew™️ who DONT MF SLEEP. Works out before bed which is 👌����👌🏻 OOF. Aw hes the type of friend to make everyone tea and toast and send them asmr videos if they cant sleep i love him. He usually spends his night dancing around with pony and working off all his ENERGY

Kendo: “yall im turning into bed i’m too tired for this shit” “kendo it’s 7pm”

My girl will retire to her room as early as she can (usually with the rest of the girls) and she just RELAXES. Like self-care to the max: paints her nails, watches tv, plans her tomorrow, showers. She’s usually asleep at 10pm and wakes up the next morning full energy I want what she has

Awase: he has the WORST sleep schedule like fr. Literally sits up on tiktok until 3am and he’s just like “oh shit i’m up at 7…” *continues scrolling* like bro GET UR ASS TO BED U HAVE TRAINING AT 6AM. His night routine ain’t anything special- he sleeps in sweats and always keeps his window open (although someone told him about banshees once and now hes lowkey terrified lmao)

Kaibara- the type to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up at 4 in the morning to find tsuburaba in the kitchen eating a full course meal and he just SIGHS and goes up to bed in the worst mood bc why tf are his friends so WEIRD. Likes to watch the stars and edit pictures before he sleeps- its so therapeutic to him and also productive so he’s winning

Rin- he drinks coffee every night after midnight and then goes “oh my fuck shit i just drank coffee why am i like this” like congrats u fuckin dumbass now u ain’t gonna sleep. And he never fuckin learns. Always does his hw at like 11pm, Also stays up way too late binge-watching star wars smh 

Tsuburaba: he gets up every night and treats himself to a three-course meal in the kitchen no cap no sound awareness my man will be blending shit full blast at 2 in the morning. Usually falls asleep sitting at the kitchen table and he 👏🏻 needs 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 chiropractor 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. Also always forgets to do his homework until everyone’s packing up to go to bed and hes like “please,, anyone,, the math?”. Shoda wants to punch him so bad

Ibara: the most well-structured person in the entire building. At 7pm she has her shower, at 8:30pm she goes to pray, at 9:30pm she journals and draws to calm her mind, and at 10pm she meditates until she falls asleep- which is usually 10:20pm.. Everyone wants her self control and independance like damn how does she FUNCTION. Also queen of vegan self-care remedies 

Pony: girl is chaotic as fuck it’ll be like 10pm and rin’s like “yo pony can i copy the hw??” And shes like “WHAT HOMEWORK.” . *cue two idiots freaking tf out*. She’s always wearing matching pj sets and fluffy socks and loves sliding around in them like a dork. Dances every night before bed to tire herself out like shes just in the lounge deadass vibing to taylor swift and a new person joins her everytime . people would be dead without her

Kodai: movies every night or she won’t go to class the next morning. Shes always just sitting on her phone w earphones in like she has absoloutely no time to deal with monoma’s shit so she just peaces tf out of existence. Cutest pyjamas ever i love her pyjama queen. The go-to girl for homework she just leaves her bag open, as long as u return it shes cool

Tokage: oh my god shes so CRYPTIC and FOR WHAT. Pranks pranks pranks pranks pranks. everyone hates her for it and she loves it so bad. Like she has the balls to prank kamakiri and that TAKES BALLS LET ME JUST SAY . she’ll just leave her body parts in people’s beds and its SO annoying. They usually just pick up her stray arm and fling it at the wall in revenge then act confused the next morning when she complains abt the bruises 

Komori: cryptic as fuck. Does she sleep? Why is she always sitting at the table? What is she doing? . Closes her tabs whenever someone comes into the dining room and just stares at them til they leave again like :)). In the garden every night til she can’t bear the coldness- watches the stars and makes flower crowns and worships the moon i love her

Kuroiro: nighttime is the time he just evaporates like where tf is he like 🙄🙄 reel it in randy from monsters inc . Hiding in the walls and listening to everyones conversations and secrets is his only skill in life . Everyone thinks he doesn’t sleep and just wanders around (he does, he just likes to have an edgy reputation)

Kamakiri- did you hear that?? oh its just kamakiri fistfighting monoma in the hallway again. Fr takes no prisoners he needs his beauty sleep (or idk do bugs sleep lmao??). If you’re in his way while he’s RAMPAGING to his room youre dead bro when i say he takes bedtime routines seriously i MEAN it. He does self-care and tells NOONE but its lowkey cute idk lmao why do i have a crush on a bug lemme call my therapist real quick

Bondo- 9pm. Wind down time. A good book is all my mans needs and he’ll be out for the count in absolutely no time at all. Fukidashi will die jealous and bondo fucking loves it. Milks tf out of it too he’s like YAWN I AM SO TIRED OFF TO BED NOW TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY GOODNIGHT and everyone who WISHES they could sleep as early as that wants him to choke

Manga- king of never having hw done until 1am at the earliest 🤡. He lives on 1 hour sleep most nights and his speech bubble just says “no <3” until like 11am. Its cus of his crippling hyperactivity he’s running the halls at 3am practicing the entire mamma mia choreography ffs fukidashi U HAVE A CAREER AHEAD OF U 

Reiko: energy drink addiction 101 if she doesn’t drink monster every night before bed she’s convinced she’ll die. “I sleep all day and party all night” she says, crying over math hw at 2am. Plays music too loud and has LED strobelites on ALL NIGHT. Shes deadass doing witchcraft in the lounge w komori all night during finals week she doesnt give a single fuck x

Shishida: another reader,, mans will finish an entire book in a night by the force of sheer willpower alone. Takes a bath every night and it makes his fur so fluffy and smell like apples smdnwjdnwd. Perfect snuggle buddy for wintertimes (pony LOVES HIM) and he’s that good man who carries tsuburaba to bed when he falls asleep at the kitchen table

Shoda: “please don’t speak to me while im doing my homework im 👌🏻 this close to having a mental breakdown and all it takes is a single poke to reel me over the edge.” Complains all day about being tired then goes to bed at 2am?? Like no shit ofc ur tired bitch . Always up for a deep talk at night he knows EVERYTHING abt EVERYONE and hes so trustworthy hed never tell a soul

Honenuki: he meal preps and does yoga before bed 🤢 like WHO HAS THAT MOTIVATION. Irons and sets his uniform out for the next day before getting his homework FINISHED by 9pm . He’s pretty flexible w what he does at nights it 100% depends on his mood. Usually he’s helping Tokage with pranks or working out w tetsutetsu tho. Used to annoy people who were up doing hw after 11 like “really tsuburaba? You should be ashamed”. Shoda almost DECKED him once for it tho and he was #traumatised and never did it again

[illfoandillfie]

Curtains Part 6

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Roger F!Reader

Summery: Exams, a car show, and an entirely too long wait.

Warnings: Smut (18+), nothing overly kinky, a little bit of a dom/sub dynamic, dom!rog, some light degradation, a little breast/nipple play,fingering, honestly quite tame considering the shit these two normally get up to lmao

Words: 7129 

A/N:  Oh my god its finally here. The last chapter. I am so sorry it's taken so long but it's been super busy around home and whenever I did get a chance to write I got very worried I was going to balls it up and ruin the whole story lmao. Anyway, I've really loved writing this series and these characters and I hope you enjoy the last part!

Also the British International Motor Show was a real thing that really was held at the Olympia. And Roger did eventually own a Ferrari and a Mercedes, although as far as I know not a Rolls Royce (that was Freddie’s).

Taglist:  @laedymoon  @dtfrogertaylor   @ezmina98  @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor  @hannafuckingsucks  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely @supersonicfreddie

@bohemiansweede @rogershoe  @lnnuend0  @funitrog  @moonlit-wilde​

The exams hit you hard. Most nights were spent at the library, staying as late as possible before you dragged yourself home and collapsed on your bed, the morning alarm always coming too soon to start the whole thing over again. The biggest downside of the routine was how little you’d been able to see Roger since it started. When you had managed to catch him he looked as tired and stressed as you felt, neither of you capable of talking for too long before one of you yawned or remembered you were meant to be revising. It filled what little space in your brain that wasn’t already full of anxiety about exams with anxiety about your relationship. You still weren’t entirely sure how solid things with Roger were. They were certainly at a better, more normal, place after your two dates and a not-quite-a-date at the markets. Freddie had spent the entire first half hour you were there eyeing you suspiciously, as if you were going to bolt suddenly or tell him off. He stopped eventually though and you’d had a lovely day, helping to sell a few items when you weren’t wandering around with Roger looking at other stalls. But everything still felt so new and uncertain, especially after the rocky start you’d had, which left you not entirely positive you were officially a couple, and now you couldn’t help worry that the forced distance would make Roger lose interest in you or set you back a few steps after all the progress you’d managed. It didn’t help that you were on edge from not getting laid recently. The last time had been an age ago, in the backseat of Roger’s car. You would have slept with him again at the markets, or more likely after you’d gone home, except your period had started the day before and you couldn’t bring yourself to suggest having sex like that. So, since then you’d been on forced celibacy with only the end of exams to look forward to. Sure, you could have masturbated but between the hours spent sitting the exams and the hours spent cramming for them, you never seemed to find time for it. It all added up to a rather unpleasant desire crushed beneath a lack of sleep and a constant voice in the back of your head telling you that you were fucking something up. Unhelpful for cultivating a good mood or an opportunity to convince Roger to come over for a quickie. In fact, you barely saw him until the day after his final exam.

Feeling slightly better rested since you were free from needing to regurgitate months of class notes, you walked up next door’s driveway and knocked on Roger’s door. “Y/N, what a pleasant surprise, come on in,” Freddie said as he opened the door, “all done then? Exams I mean,” “Yes, thank god. You?” “Yeah, I finished earlier in the week. Never been more relieved in my life, although the day Rog finished was a close second,” he led you through the cluttered living room, your eyes slipping from the old, worn couch to the record player by the phone, into the kitchen where Roger stood, a bowl of cereal in his hands, eyes out of focus as he stared off into space, “Rog, wake up darling, the girl you’ve been whining about is here to see you.” Roger blinked, tired eyes falling to you and pulling a smile onto his face, “Y/N,” “Hey Rog,” He hastily put down the bowl and pulled you into a hug. You sighed into him, mind already more at ease than it had been when you arrived. “How were your exams?” He asked when he finally let you go. “Oh y’know, okay I guess. Probably failed one of them but I’m beyond caring right now, you?” “Yeah, yeah, all good I think. I’m just glad to be able to sleep normally again. Kept having this dream about turning up to an exam naked and then realising it was the wrong subject anyway.” “Jesus, Rog, if you’re going to sit here dissecting your dreams again I’m going to have to leave.” “You call yourself my friend,” “And aren’t you lucky for it. Just remember to wash out your bowl this time,” Freddie grabbed the cup of tea he’d been making and exited with a wave that you returned.  “Was that because of me? Does he still not like me?” “He likes you fine, I promise,” Roger grabbed your hand and led you out to the living room, “I’ve just been driving him nuts these last few days.” He dropped onto the couch with a creak and pulled you down onto his lap. “Nuts how?” “Oh y’know, exam stuff mostly. Weird little rituals I started doing to make sure I passed, like, um, I had to wear a particular pair of shoes to every exam, my sparkly silver ones, otherwise I was convinced I would fail. Nearly had a breakdown when I couldn’t find them one morning. Stuff like that.” “Would the other stuff be related to his girl you’ve been whining about comment?” “Maybe,” Roger looked away, as if slightly embarrassed to admit it, “I might have kept bugging him with questions about whether he’d seen you around. He went right off at me the other night, told me to pull my head in and just go see you but it was one in the morning so,” he shrugged as he trailed off, still focused on the other side of the room. “You really thought about me that much?” “Yeah, course,” he finally looked at your properly, “I missed… hanging out with you,” “Me too,” you smiled shyly, trying to work out if hanging out was a good sign or not. You decided to continue with the plan that had brought you to his door that morning, just in case, “But, if you’re up for it, I have an idea of something we could do tomorrow.” “Oh yeah? Does it involve making out a lot?” “I guess it could,” “Consider me there,” You laughed as he took hold of your chin and pulled you into a kiss. Maybe it was a good sign after all.

If Roger hadn’t broken off the kiss to yawn three different times, apologising after each one, you would have been hard pressed not to end up in his bed. He wasn’t quite as worked up as you were, admitting he’d developed the habit of wanking on the morning of every exam he had, but he was still eager for more than just making out, encouraging you to roll your hips and grind against him. But he was clearly too exhausted. “Where’re you going?” he asked as you wriggled off his lap and stood up. “You’re dead on your feet Rog, you should go catch up on some sleep,” “I’m not, come on come ba-“ he was cut off by another yawn. “See?” “Okay, fine. Maybe you have a point. But you don’t have to leave, you could come nap with me and then when I wake up in a couple of hours we can continue this, but tucked up in bed.” You laughed, “Nice try, Rog, but I’m gonna go home, let you rest properly. We’ll have all of tomorrow though. I’ll come by at tenish okay?” “Tenish it is. Can you give me a hint about what you have planned?” “No but I promise you’ll enjoy it.” “That could be anything,” he said as he walked you to the door, tilting his head and resting it against the frame. “Exactly. Don’t want to spoil it. I’ll see you tomorrow,” you made to leave but Roger caught your hand and pulled you back against him, leaving you slightly breathless, lips tingling with the kiss. “One for the road,” he shrugged, trying not to grin too much. “Go get some rest Rog,” you laughed, “Oh! And wear comfortable walking shoes tomorrow,” “Walking? That doesn’t sound like making out.”

You only had to knock once the next morning before Roger was opening the door, looking excited and better rested, though there were still heavy bags under his eyes. You’d seen the same bags on your own face but, thankfully, makeup covered a multitude of sins. “So, will you finally tell me where we’re going?” “No but if you don’t mind driving, I’ll instruct you where to go,” “You’re kidding me! You aren’t going to tell me anything but you want me to drive?” he narrowed his eyes and stared at you but you just smiled sweetly back until he relented, “good thing I like you so much or I woulda told you to shove it up your arse.” “You’re the best Rog,” you giggled, swooping in to kiss his cheek, “promise it’ll be worth it.” “Yeah yeah, get in the bloody car,” he shook his head but you caught him smiling to himself as he got into the drivers seat. “Your gonna need go left out of the driveway,” “I am, am I?” he said before following your instruction and turning left. You directed him there with only one minor detour when Roger managed to get stuck in the wrong lane and missed his turn. A few streets away from your destination he saw a sign directing passers-by to visit the British International Motor Show, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye, but he said nothing, just let you tell him where to go. You could tell he was getting more excited with each street you directed him down, trying not to get his hopes up as you seemed to creep closer to the show. The dam burst when you told him to pull up in the carpark of the Olympia. “No fucking way,” he said softly, trying to concentrate on not hitting any other cars as he pulled into a spot, even as his eyes darted around the crowd of people entering the venue, “You got us tickets to the motor show?” “Mmhmm,” you nodded, digging around in your bag for your pre-purchased tickets, “you mentioned on our last date that you were a bit of a rev head so I thought you might like it.” The way he looked at you made your whole body feel like it was infested with a swarm of butterflies. It was a look of barely contained glee and adoration that had you beaming right back at him. Once he was out of the car he hurried round to your side, pulling you into a hug and spinning you around in a circle as he squeezed you tight. “Christ, Y/N,” “I guess that means you like it?” you laughed as he put you back on solid ground. “Like it? This is the sweetest thing a girl as ever done for me. Might actually be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. As if I needed more reasons to fall for you.” Your breath caught in your throat and the swarm under your skin went haywire but Roger barely seemed to realise what he said, too excited and impatient to see the show. He grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the entrance.

Most of the day was spent wandering around the show, Roger almost bouncing from one car to the next. There were all sorts to see, some brand new and unveiled that morning, some the kind your parents had driven around in as teenagers. There were more economic models, aimed at families or young adults looking for their first car and some were high end, luxury models with sleek designs and shiny finishes. Those were the sort that caught Roger’s eye most, never mind the outrageous prices you couldn’t even dream of affording. It was while standing in front of one of them, a gorgeous black Rolls-Royce from the mid-60s, that you nudged Roger with your elbow. “Y’know how when I first saw your Morris I said it wasn’t the type of car I imagined you in?” “Yeah,” “This is the sort of car I was picturing.” “Really? I’ve always loved a Rolls. Them and Ferraris. As a kid I used to have pictures of them ripped out of magazines and stuck up on my bedroom walls. Well, them and about a hundred other cars,” he chuckled at the memory and then fell silent for a bit, lost in thought, absentmindedly squeezing your hand. You were about to ask what he was thinking when he spoke again. “One day I’m going to own one.” “Are you now?” “Yup. One day Queen’s gonna hit it real fucking big. I’m not just saying that either, I mean it. We’ve really fucking got something the four of us, and one day we’ll have the number one song in the country and sell so many albums I’ll be able to buy one of each, a Rolls and a Ferrari. Maybe a Mercedes too. And I’ll take you out in them, wherever you want to go. We could drive down the coast, spend the weekend in our beach house. Or maybe out to the countryside, nice and peaceful and quiet. And if we stay at home I’ll take you out shopping. We’ll go to all the high-end stores and buy everything we want. Shoes and jewels and fur coats and everything." You leaned your head on his shoulder as he spoke, “That sounds wonderful,” “You haven’t heard the best part though,” “Oh?” He dropped his head down, lowering his voice so only you could hear him, “Haven’t even mentioned how I’ll fuck you in the change rooms of all those fancy shops. A hand over your mouth to keep you quiet because we both know how loud you get.” It was a mark of how long it had been that you began panting just from feeling his breath against your ear, “Looks like this car has enough room in the backseat. Just in case the shops are closed.” He stood up straight again, laughing, “Maybe we’ll sneak in there later. Shame I’m not rich already, could’ve just paid off the security so he’d give us a few moments alone with the car.” You knew he was joking about sneaking into the car but it didn’t help you calm down at all. Roger must have sensed your need, had probably been able to feel it seeping out of your skin, because he spent the rest of the day teasing you with small touches and whispered comments. He may have given up the teasing and just fucked you except that the number of people and the amount of security hired kept you from finding anywhere even remotely appropriate. The bathrooms were too crowded, extra portaloos hired and placed around the side of the building to accommodate everyone, and the back of the building faced the carpark and had a constant stream of people passing by or standing around directing traffic and loiterers. You considered suggesting the backseat of his car again but your head and thighs ached at the thought. After a final quick look around inside you decided to call it a day and head home where there was plenty of space and a big comfortable bed waiting.

By the time you arrived home it was early evening, your feet sore despite wearing your most comfortable pair of shoes. Roger’s stomach grumbled as he walked you to your front door, a loud reminder that neither of you had eaten more than a few snacks vendors had been selling at the show. “I had so much fun today,” he said, valiantly ignoring his stomach, “like an unbelievable amount of fun.” “Me too. Didn’t realise a car show could be quite that good,” you teased, “You wanna come in? Keep the fun going? We could get dinner, watch some TV,” “You’ve spent all day with me, sure you aren’t sick of me yet?” “Course not. Come on you sound like your starving and I’ve got a coupon for pizza stuck to my fridge,” “Well who am I to say no to that?” he said as he followed you inside, “where’s the coupon, I’ll call the order in.” “You don’t have to do that,” “No, no, let me. Least I can do to thank you for today. Any preferences?” “Uh, pepperoni if you don’t mind,” you called from the kitchen, returning with the coupon and handing it to Roger. “I definitely don’t mind, pepperoni is obviously the best,” Roger laughed and picked up the phone, as you quickly ducked into your room and made sure it was tidy. He followed you when he was done, peering into the living room and the kitchen as he searched for you. “Don’t have to clean up on my account,” You jumped a little at the sound of his voice behind you. “I’ve been in your room before, you’re much neater than me.” “Surprised you noticed the room enough to make that judgement,” “True, was always much more interested in you and how little you were wearing,” “Exactly,” you said, trying not to let on how fast your heart was racing at just the mention of the previous nights you’d spent together. “But I’m very messy,” Roger shot you a grin as he walked over to your desk, fingers brushing lightly over a few of the knickknacks you kept there before he moved to your modest bookshelf. You weren’t quite sure what to do with yourself as you watched him investigate your belongings, perching on the end of your bed, hoping he liked what he found. For the most part he just brushed his fingers lightly over your belongings, smiling softly and occasionally pausing to make a comment. He picked up the candle from your desk to smell it, complementing the scent as he put it back in its place. A few of the books on your shelf were pulled off and held up as he asked your opinions of them. He found a pair of your sunglasses and pushed them into his own face, checking himself out in your mirror before taking them off again, and then turned his attention to your record collection, spending much longer examining it than anything else. When he was done shuffling through the stack, making impressed hums when he found ones he particularly liked, he turned back to you. “Well I’m sorry to say but you have fantastic taste in music and I really have no other choice but to steal half of them,” “Is that so?” you asked, releasing a relieved breath, “Doesn’t seem fair,” “Well,” he walked the few steps towards where you still sat, leaning down until his lips were mere centimetres from yours, “it’s either that or you keep them and I fall madly in love with you.” The butterfly feeling returned, “Oh?” It was all you could manage to say. A loud knock from the front of the house interrupted you. “That’ll be the pizza,” you said quietly, torn between answering the door and closing the space between you. The decision was made when Roger’s stomach growled again. He dropped a quick kiss to your lips and then stood up with a small sigh.

If it had been up to you the night would have been spent snuggled up on the couch, eating pizza, drinking wine, and goofing around, until you retired to the bedroom and let the street hear you screaming Roger’s name. And you were pretty sure Roger’s mind was running along the same tracks. The only obstruction to your plan was the lack of sleep you’d both been suffering from, causing both of you to nod off before you could move from the couch. You woke in the morning, the TV no longer playing the comedy it had been left on but a test pattern card with odd organ music behind it. You blinked the sleep from your eyes as you tried to remember why you were on the couch and not in your bed, the night coming back to you as you sat up and realised you’d been curled up with your head on Roger’s thigh. He woke with a start when you stood up to stretch and turn off the TV. “Y/N?” he voice was still thick with sleep, eyes bleary and hair all over the place as he lifted his head from what must have been an uncomfortable position. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. We fell asleep on the couch.” “Oh, right,” “You can go back to sleep if you want,” “Nah, ‘m up now. Bathroom?” “Just through that doorway over there.” Roger nodded his thanks as he yawned and, rubbing his eyes, headed off. You grabbed the last of the, now cold, pizza and the wine glasses and followed him towards the kitchen, dropping the leftovers on the bench before turning to stick the kettle on. When he returned to the kitchen he looked marginally more alert, hair not quite the bird’s nest it had been when he woke. He dropped a kiss to your temple. “D’you want breakfast?” you asked, peering into the fridge, “I can do eggs on toast.” “Only if it’s no trouble,” “Not at all,” you grabbed the carton of eggs and the butter before you closed the fridge, “if you make the tea.” “I can do tea. Make a pretty good cuppa if I do say so myself.” “So you’re a tea connoisseur now?” “Never said that, where do your mugs live?” “Cupboard on the left,” “Ah ha,” there was a tinkling as he pulled out two, “All I’m saying is I’m good at making tea.” “Rog it’s adding boiling water to bagged leaves, not sure you can be bad at it,” “Well tell that to John. He’s a fantastic bassist but Jesus every cuppa he’s ever made me has tasted like shit.” You laughed, glancing away from the stovetop to watch Roger move about your kitchen like he belonged there. True, that might have been to do with how similar your kitchen was to his, most of the student accommodation in the area having the same basic layout, but it was nice all the same. “How do you take it?” “Uh,” your first thought was something entirely too inappropriate for so early in the morning, “dash of milk, two sugars,” “Coming right up.”

“So,” you said, dragging the word out as you brought your plates down to the table, Roger already there with the mugs of tea. “So, what?” Roger imitated your lengthened word, an amused lilt to his voice. “Dunno, you got any plans for today?” “Meeting the boys a bit later, band stuff. Might try and squeeze in a nap at some point. No offence but your couch isn’t overly comfortable to sleep on, although the cute girl using me as a pillow did help,” You giggled as he nudged your foot with his, it really was unfair how attractive he looked even when ruffled from a night on the couch. “What about you? Any plans?” “Oh, uhhh,” you didn’t have anything specific but couldn’t very well tell Roger you’d kept the day open in case he’d wanted to stay in bed with you for the better part of it, “Think my friends said something about going out for coffee, so I’ll see if they’re still keen for it.” “Oh yeah? Do these friends know about me?” “They know I’ve kind of had a thing going on and they know I was avoiding a particular guy for a while, but I haven’t, like, actually told them about you yet. Wanted to wait until I knew we were going to be okay, y’know?” “Yeah, I get that.” There was a moment of almost silence, the only sounds those of your knives and forks scraping across your plates. Your brain was suddenly much louder than it had been a second before, full of thoughts about whether or not you should tell your friends about Roger when you saw them, nerves about theoretically introducing them to him and then, oh god, introducing him to your family, having to meet his, all the stuff that a proper relationship would mean, all the stuff you’d been trying to run from when you’d cancelled that date. But there wasn’t really any way to go back now without everyone getting even more hurt than last time, he’d twice now said he was falling for you and, though you hadn’t vocalised it, you thought maybe you were falling for him too. But of all the thoughts jumbled in your head, the loudest by far was the realisation you’d be going another day without getting laid. It was torture. You’d got so close last night and god you wanted it so much. You had a brief vision of sweeping everything off the table, plates and cutlery hitting the floor, and Roger instantly pushing down your pants and lifting you onto the clear surface, his fingers slipping into your underwear and - Roger broke the silence and pulled you from the fantasy, “If you wanted you could come over tonight. I’ll make you dinner,” You shook your head to clear it, “really? “Yeah, really. I’ll even let you rummage through all my junk like I went through yours,” “Sounds fun, I’ll be there,” “Cool, uh, I think I should get home around three-thirty, so any time after that.”

Roger helped you tidy up the dishes before he left, another lingering kiss your souvenir, in addition to the desperate need to get off. You attempted to kill some time doing just that, but nothing seemed to be enough. It wasn’t Roger. You wanted Roger. And as lovely and terrifying a sentiment as that was, it did mean you had to go to meet your friends completely worked up and wet. When you told Roger later, sleepily blurting it out while curled up in his arms that night, he chuckled and, though it was dark, you could tell he was grinning. The same grin he’d been wearing when you knocked on his door that afternoon. “Is Freddie here?” you asked as he led you towards the couch. “No, just us. I’ve kicked the others out for the night. Freddie’ll end up staying with Bri or John, they were still arguing about it when I left them.” “Arguing?” you fell into the seat beside Roger, toeing off your shoes and curling your legs up under you, angling your body to face where he was leaning against the arm of the couch, one leg bent in front of him, one touching the floor. “Something about John’s girlfriend, I think, or maybe it was Brian’s roommate? I don’t know, I didn’t hang around to listen, they’ll sort it out,” he waved his hand dismissively, “But that means more food for us.” “So what are you making me then?” “Well, actually,” he glanced away, hand slipping into his shirt to rub his shoulder, “was thinking I’d order some takeout. There’s really nothing to cook with in the fridge and I’m a terrible chef anyway. I could offer you toast but the chance of it being edible is about fifty fifty. But there’s the chippy a few streets away or, um, an alright curry place, whichever you prefer.” “Fish and chips sounds good. I’ve eaten nothing but cake and coffee today so anything savoury would be brilliant really.” “So your friends were free then? How’d it go?” “Yeah, really fun. You might have been mentioned once or twice,” “Only once or twice?” “Once or twice is practically unstoppable gushing for me. They’re both insisting on meeting you, by the way, so that’s something to look forward to I guess,” you scrunched your nose up in discomfort. “I’d love to meet them,” he said, taking your hand leaning towards you, “And you’ve got nothing to worry about, they’ll love me. I’m very loveable.” You let yourself relax as you laughed, Roger joining in as he pushed a strand of hair behind your ear, fingers trailing down your jaw, kissing you softly.  

It should have come as no surprise that you’d end up making out within minutes of arriving. The weeks since you’d last slept together plus the unfulfilled tension from the previous night all boiled down to a neediness you couldn’t remember feeling with anyone else, the soft kiss fast becoming firmer as you found yourself underneath Roger, fingertips digging into his back. He was grinding against you rhythmically, your skirt pushed further up your thighs, trying to pull you tighter against him, breathing getting more ragged with each passing moment. It felt good but there were too many clothes in your way, you needed more. A whine fell from your lips unexpectedly. “Someone’s a bit desperate,” Roger said, tone vaguely mocking, giving you just a hint of the teasing control he usually showed you, “should we move this to my room?” “God yes,” He grinned and planted another kiss against your lips before he pushed himself to his feet, pulling you up by your hand, not letting go until you were standing in the doorway of his room. It was similar to your own room in that it faced the back yard, a big glass door leading outside. The biggest difference was the curtain, open to let the sun in but no doubt it actually existed. Roger dropped your hand to cross the room and you turned your attention to the rest of it, tempted to rummage through his belongings the way he’d examined yours. If you hadn’t been so worked up you would have but instead you stepped into the room and glanced around, killing time until Roger was back against you. It wasn’t neat but it wasn’t as messy as you’d been led to believe it would be and you wondered how long he’d spent tidying it. The bookshelf wasn’t full and yet not all the books were lined up, some of them stacked in uneven piles, some leaning against others, no discernible order to them, though you could spot a few titles you recognised from your own collection. His desk held a stack of textbooks and a few loose pages of handwritten notes, and you could easily imagine him hunched over as he studied, scribbling down things he recognised as important even if his tired eyes and brain couldn’t fully comprehend them. Your gaze had just fallen on the neatest part of the room, his collection of records all meticulously lined up and just begging to be rifled through, when a noise drew your attention. Roger checked the back door was locked and drew the curtain over it, blocking out the view of the back garden and the natural afternoon light. Your stomach did a flip. “We, uh, we’ve never had so much privacy,” you tried to make it sound like a joke, though you weren’t sure you succeeded, suddenly feeling too nervous to speak properly. “Yeah, s’pose that’s true,” he gave a small half shrug and took the few steps towards you, stopping just in front of you, “but that’s okay. We’ll make it work,” and then his lips were on yours, the rough neediness almost forgotten as he held your face, reassuringly rubbing his thumb over your jaw. It helped you relax again, stoking your desire though you couldn’t help thinking things would be vastly different with an empty house and closed curtains. Your fingers fell to his belt, blindly struggling to unbuckle it, but Roger grabbed your wrist. “Hey, there’s no rush, okay?” “I know but it’s been so long,” it wasn’t a lie, it had been far too long, but that wasn’t the only reason you wanted to speed things up. You didn’t mention that you were nervous about your dynamic changing with the privacy, worried it wouldn’t be as good if you weren’t being controlled or degraded or performing for someone. “So you won’t mind waiting a little longer then,” You whined as his lips brushed over your neck, his hands still holding your wrists, “Please, I need you,” “Patience, love. First time I’ve had my slut all to myself, can’t blame me for wanting to take my time.” Your breath hitched at the name and the casual way it was said, not expecting to hear it when you were so closed off from the world and he was being so deliberately, infuriatingly, slow. It made your head spin. He let your wrists go, moving his hands to your shirt and pulling it up over your head, fingers trailing softly down your sides to toy with the waistband of your skirt. “Good girl for wearing this, you’re learning.” The praise made you shiver but it was nothing compared to his touch. Every light brush of his fingers made you want him more, had you almost vibrating with need, but he refused to speed up or even touch you where you most wanted him. And you melted into it, hovering on the edge of begging, surprised at how easily he could play you but not really surprised at all. Yes, it was just you and Roger with no one to see or overhear, none of that tension you loved so much that came with the possibility of being walked in on or caught out. But you didn’t miss it.

Your hands once again slipped to his belt and this time he let you undo it, taking the chance to tug his own shirt off  as he kicked the discarded pants across the floor, before he slipped your skirt down your legs, kneeling as he did so, leaving a single big bruise on the inside of your thigh. He leaned back to admire the mark and you stepped out of the material pooled around your feet. For a fraction of a second you thought he was finally going to give you something real, his breath ghosting over the front of your underwear as he leaned towards you, still looking up at you, blue eyes glinting. “Hop on the bed, love,” He chuckled as he pushed himself to his feet, listening to you whine and curse even as you did exactly what he told you to. You didn’t stop complaining until his weight was over yours again, your legs trying to wrap around him and pull him against your throbbing cunt. He just held your legs down and laughed softly, “You’re still just a desperate slut aren’t you. Little bit pathetic how much you want me after a couple of weeks without. But no, you don’t get my cock that quickly. I told you I want to take my time.” “You want me too,” you whined, sounding nowhere near as convincing as you’d hoped, “I can feel how hard you are.” “Yes, I want you. Of course I do, love, been thinking about it since you came over the other morning.” Roger resumed the grinding he’d started out on the couch, dragging his cock along your folds, still too many layers between for you to be satisfied. It was torture, but no matter what you tried he wouldn’t give you more, “But there’s this little thing called delayed gratification, you might have heard of it.” “You’re such an arsehole,” you half whined, half laughed as he chuckled into your neck, doing his best to leave you with another mark. “Well, yeah. That’s not news. Maybe I’ll let you have my fingers though, since you have waited such a long time,” “Please, I need something, anything,” “Add ‘begs easily’ to the list of things I love about you,” he left a kiss against your neck and then shuffled backwards. He paused, glancing down to your underpants and then back to your chest. “What?” “You’re still wearing a bra. Can’t have that.” “Oh,” you giggled, “easily fixed,” you sat up and quickly unhooked the clasp behind your back, shrugging it from your shoulders and adding it to the clothing that littered the once clean floor. “Thank god for easy fixes,” Roger said softly, pushing his fingertips against your shoulder until you leaned back far enough for him to drag his tongue over one nipple. “Hey, you said fingers,” you whined. “You said anything,” he grinned back at you, “but I guess fingers could work too.” You hissed when he pinched your other nipple and pulled on it, gently biting on the first, “Rog, please,” He ignored you in favour of dipping his lips to the inside of one breast, sucking at the skin until another purple bruise formed.

Roger shuffled back further and you squirmed at the thought of finally, finally getting what you needed. Just the motion of him hooking his fingers into your underpants to pull them down had your stomach tightening with anticipation. As soon as they were free of your legs he held them up, “soaked,” was all he said before they too were discarded and he was settling into place between your legs. You could feel his warm breath against your pussy as he dragged a single finger between your folds, a whine escaping you as your frustration grew. And then the finger was slipping inside you, so easily it made Roger whine himself. “God you really are soaked. I was just teasing before but Jesus,” “M-more,” was all you could think to say, stuttering it out as you bucked your hips. “Patience, love,” he reminded you but added a second finger, pumping them into you slowly, still not enough. Your back arched as you tried to readjust your position so he’d hit the spots you knew he could but he just placed his other hand on your thigh, stroking you softly until you relaxed again. “Tell me what you want, love,” “More, please,” “More of the same? Just my fingers?” “N-no no,” “Then tell me,” “Your cock, please, want you to fuck me now,” the sentence devolved into a whine as he pulled his fingers from you, pausing to push off his underwear, and crawled back up the bed, hovering over you. Once again you tried to wrap your legs around him, arms around his neck to pull him closer, but this time he didn’t stop you. Instead Roger lined himself up and sunk into you, as easily as his fingers had, his hands slipping up to your sides. He dropped his mouth to your neck and then your jaw and then your lips as he slid his arms under your back to hold you tight. “My good, patient, girl. Fuck your cunt feels so good.” he said softly, quickly finding your lips again as he fucked you steadily. You whimpered at the praise, finally getting what you’d so badly wanted as you clawed at Roger’s back, making sure he wouldn’t pull away too far. Though he’d started off intentionally slowly, deliberately working you up before he’d even finished undressing you, now that he was finally inside you, finally where you both wanted him to be, he’d lost all of his methodical pace. His hands were on your back and then one was on your arse and then your breasts, unsure where he wanted to touch you most. He was kissing you passionately one moment and the next he was whispering filth into your ear, praise and degrading names alike, thoughts broken up by small hickeys sucked into your skin. The second it occurred to him that something might drive you wild he was doing it.

It didn’t take long for you to cum, so much pent-up desire coursing through your bloodstream that you fell over the edge easily when he hitched your leg higher on his hip. It changed the angle he was hitting you just enough to have him rub against your wall, a jolt running through you and stealing your breath. “So pretty when you cum, can you show me again?” You nodded, unsure you’d be able to form words if you tried. Small aftershocks were still making you whimper into Roger’s shoulder and yet you could feel the same tingly warmth building again already. “Oh,” the sharp sound escaped you when Roger’s thumb brushed over your clit, his breath hitching as you clenched around him, “Rog, god, ke- keep doing that,” He brushed your clit again and smiled as your head fell back, a low moan tumbling from you when he began rubbing it properly. All you could hear was rough uneven breaths, not sure they were yours or Roger’s, the sound dulled under your heart beating in your ears. And then suddenly you were there again, moans getting louder as you crept closer to the edge and fell over it. Roger’s eyes were squeezed shut as he thrust into you a few more times, extending the ecstasy you felt until he hit his own climax, coating your walls and gasping in your ear.

For a while neither of you moved, just lay there trying to clear your foggy minds. When he realised he was still laying on you, Roger carefully extracted himself and rolled onto his back, an arm stretched out, inviting you to cuddle up close. You did, humming lightly when he gently rubbed your arm. “So, was that good? Even with the closed curtains?” “Mmhmm, might go so far as to say unbelievably good.” “Any other adjectives you wanna throw out there? Mind-blowing maybe? Or Incredible? The best you’ve ever had?” When the giggles subsided, Roger continuing a little more seriously, “I really liked it too, y’know, having my girlfriend to myself and all.” You’d been expecting to feel anxious when the G word eventually got used. After all, it represented so much of what had made you nervous enough to run away, what still made you nervous about dating and what it might eventually lead to. But there wasn’t really any anxiety or worry when you actually heard it, maybe a small pang in your stomach but you barely noticed it. Instead you could have sworn your heart skipped a beat, “Girlfriend?” “Yeah,” you could hear the smile in his voice, “that okay?” You quickly flipped onto your front, bringing you face to face with Roger, “More than okay. Say it again?” “My girlfriend,” he grinned as he spoke and you felt an equally large smile stretch your own cheeks in response. “My boyfriend,” “Yeah, like the sound of that,” You kissed him hard, not quite believing how far you’d come since he’d first caught you masturbating or how much you liked being with him, dating him. “Y’know, I think we could fit in another round before we need to worry about dinner,” he traced his finger along your shoulder as if he were playing connect the dots with the hickeys he’d left you, “Two maybe. You always cum fast when I use you rough.”

[huntsman-ash]

RWBY V8E10 LiveThoughts

Well since its my birthday, Im kinda bored, and there’s little else for me to do right now since I dont get food till later, lets catch up on last weeks episode in anticipation of tomorrows. 

Huh, starting off with a epilepsy warning. Thats...a good sign I suppose?

Probably not the first part with the RT logo if I had to guess. 

Opening shot looks like something outta Gundam or Halo. Ironwood looking thoughtfully out as a Manta cruses by randomly. Plus; sunlight. Second day dawns...damn, have they really been fighting for that long?

Brings up the wonder of how long Remnants day actually is.

More Mantas. One REALLY close by. Damn those things are QUIET.

Those poor Specialists. You can just TELL they’re bracing for Ironwood to kick their ass. The doors also still busted which is a rather nice choice.

Also interestingly the female Specialist’s coat is missing the top two buttons of her partners. No clue why. 

Actual sweatdrop on the girl. What is it with RT suddenly making their characters have body liquid?

Ahhh Qrow kicking ass. Excellent. I would expect nothing less. 

Also FUCK THAT TABLE IRONWOOD.

Homie loosing his SHIT XD

Oh. Whats this...energy blast? Looks like its coming out of the- Oh. Thats Oscar isnt it.

...my God. ITS. BEAUTIFUL.

(Cries in military nerd)

I love how the music cuts out when it hits, just like what happens when a nuke goes off. 

The fact the Aces have to CARRY the bomb in BY HAND is good shit.

Massed gunfire in the back, and for a second you can see the true thoughts of all of the members. Oddly enough Hare’s got her exoskeleton activated. HYuh, weird, everyone else is hauling it bare. Elm, obviously, she beefy. I guess Marrow and Vine are just capable?

Also based on the shot we see just before the entire screen goes yellow and it looks like the blast literally yeets marrow onto his ass (I assume its Marrow based on the weapon visible in profile) it looks like Atlas is actually WINNING the fight, they’re pushing forward towards the whale.

Grimm; PURGED. ...how much you wanna bet this was a one off? No way to weaponize it. No way to make this more effective.

The music is...dissapointing, truly. If I had scored this, it would have some orchestral choir, a little bit of Requiem for a Dream style kinda thing. Strings and intense flutes and maybe a bit of drums.

Everything goes white for an ABSURDLY long time

Annnddd the sun comes up JUST as the whale starts disintegrating. HA! DIDNT PLAN ON THAT DID YOU SLUT!

CUE NEO CASUALLY SKIPPING THROUGH THE HELLSTORM OF GRIMM BITS WITH THE LAMP

Wait wheres the bomb... Also Marrow being the only one who cares amuses me.

Ahh dont worry about it buddy, its probably MAGIC explosive force, if it didnt kill you it wouldnt kill them. Huh, part of the whales skeletons still there.  I think its dead. GOOD

Wait how tall is Marrow? Hes like a good six inches taller than Winter here and shes wearing combat heels

“Target destroyed, good work.” Oh how casual. I love how he thinks that was the bomb.

And he goes right on to the new issue as if this is the end of the Grimm situation

Oh they still have the bomb.

Cargo ship, huh. I thought it came in on a Manta? Maybe Im miss-remembering.

AND now everyone in Atlas is going to start suffering fucking RUSTLUNG like in Gears.

Oh. Wait. Most of the whale’s still there. Fuckin hell IF THIS THING REGENERATES

Watts is so casual about all of this. I mean it makes sense but like, damn bro, flexibility.

Mmm, I think Cinders about to get brainblasted on by Watts. Please do so. TEAR HER A NEW ONE.

Interesting that Cinder thinks shes in command here. Im sorry, Cinder, but one of you has a college level education and the other WAS A FUCKING DISH RAG BITCH AND PROBABLY A STREET WALKER.

Guess which one is which.

Heels. Interesting. I dont like them but interesting.

Mmm. Long way down.

Watts: STARTS LAUGHING. I love it.

Dude is speaking FIRE. And TRUTH! THIS CATHARSIS...

I know she wont kill him and Im already cool with that cause this alone has put Watts well above her in my book of awesome villains. 

Hope we get to see more of him after this.

Hey he actually got THROUGH to her!

NOW SULK WHORE!

AWW SHES CRYING

Yeah of course the heroes are okay. RIP whoever was in that Paladin though. Hes probably dead.

Oh, the Bees 

Where the fuck did Emerald go

Oh there she is. Just completely shattered. YEAH HE DEAD FRIEND

Agricultrual area, okay cool, glad we finally got a name for this place

Red Line...huh. Like in Metro Speaking of, theres the Metro. No power, lights out. Apathies maybe?

You got a prisoner now.

Scrolls as a light source too huh? No flashlights? Also, pink purplish pettles...whats that one for, GAY THOUGHTS?

...kinetic energy. Really. Thats it. HOW IN THE FLAMING FUCK DOES THAT WORK?!

For those of you not in the know, kinetic is just...movement. Thats it. The ACTUAL energy that results from potential energy being used. 

Its just physics. And they’re treating it like some kind of superweapon.

Talk about a bit of an ass pull. And of course theres only a little bit left, because duh.

Guess maybe its got to do with movement and stuff. An idea for later.

Imagine if everyone looked over at Emerald and shes gone.

Nope, still there. And t hey’re about to hit the civilian shelter...yep, theres everyone.

OH MAN THEY DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING GOING ON. Literally just people chillin on the sides of the rails. Boy that must SUCK

Depression everywhere. Damn the Grimm are gonna come right in and mulch em.

And back to Ironwood. ANGRY DAD FACE.

Glad they call it a payload.

Its hard to tell but I think the image hes looking at is a casualty report. If I h ad ot guess blacked out equipment is losses.

Closer look says “Status Report in the upper left (upper right reversed) 

So...based on this, Atlas has lost at least 4 airships, 8 Mantas, four Paladins, a bunch of troops...actually the more I look at this I think each one represents a bunch of units because there is no way that this is everything they had.

I cant really see the middle parts but on the right I cna see “First Fleet” and “Second Fleet” Seconds got fewer Mantas attached oddly. No clue what that means. Same amount of Airships, but nothing else.

Cant really read the middle points. I THINK it says “First Batallion” at the top and then under it is split into (Something) A, B, and C. Might be Squad or something similar, the breakdown seems to be identical across it. 48 diamond markings and four Paladins. 

Based on a quick check of Google, I believe these are, in fact, Platoons, the subsets of a Battalion. The numbers are flexible on there but it seems to fit.

48 men to a Platoon with four Paladins as heavy fire support sounds like a viable mix. If thats the case Im just gonna hope this is all that was depolyed and Atlas has other forces elsewhere BECAUSE IF THEIR ENTIRE MILITARY IS LITERALLY ONE BATALLION OF TROOPS IM GOING TO RIOT.

The number more or less makes sense. 

On the far right theres some kind of power core readings, no indication of what those are, and I cant read the wording over it. Maybe for the pylons. 

Ironwood then convinently walks past a window showing intel on the whale. Annoyingly all of the important looking text is blurred out.

Theres Hares thighs again.

Third ones some kind of profile on Cinder, the image is recent as well. Fourth one...I think its a map of some kind of the impact zone, perhaps the area lost to it. 

“Watts is either incompetent, or betrayed us.” WHICH DO YOU THINK IS MORE LIKELY.

Looks at hand dramatically while contemlating loss.

Hare loosing her shit is awesome.  Also, nice shot of her shoes. 

Maybe you should have put more faith in your military instead of Huntsman idiot.  I guess this KIND OF explains why he wants to leave. He doesnt thinkt hey can win no matter what. 

The look on his face is...disheartening.  Dudes gone the same way as Lionheart. Shit.

Also interestingly, the picograms above his office door show the phases of Remnants moon, rotating from full and unbroken to shattered.

What are you planning Ironwood.

Ohhhh. SEE NOW SOMEONE FINALLY FUCKING GETS THE IDEA You want someone in this world to do something YOU PUT A GUN TO THE HEAD OF THIER LOVED ONES!

Winters not having none of it of course. 

Ohhh shes in for a SPANKIN NOW

I love how Hare throws her under the bus like that. 

FUCK THAT TABLE

Radar. REMNANT HAS RADAR.

MOTHER...FUCKING... HOW?! HOW DO THEY HAVE RADAR.

Suns fully up now. Interesting.

Also, canonizing it now; the mountain just behind Atlas in this shot is where Fortress Academy is. 

This one.

Hang on. SDC Freighters literally look like neutered... ... GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

AGAIN! EVERYTHING IN ATLAS’S ARSENAL IS JUST SDC EQUIPMENT MADE INTO MILITARY FORM! FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

WHY!? WHY IS EVERYTHING SDC MADE?!

LE SIGH

The crazy logic sit down thing is...weird.

Also, I see constellation on the floor of Ironwoods room. Looks like...chiron and Pisces. So why are Earth constellations on the floor of a Remnant building?

Damn, air cleaned the fuck up real quick. 

NEO YOU CHEEKY BITCH. THE RAISED PINKY FINGER

Yay, the teams reunited. NOW THEY CAN ALL DIE TOGETHER.

FAUNUS EAR WIGGLE

Rens first comment; wheres Nora.  Yay. Also, poor Ruby.

I like how the music just died.

I hear gunfire...

YEAH! Mantas for AA work, hell yeah! I know Im supposed to be mad but fuck that swarm attack! Oh its so good.

AND IRONWOOD WITH THE FUCKING POWER STANCE

MY GOD XD

I like how he specifically mentions Atlas’s technology like their technology is anything hot 

Seriously could you get any more fucking dramatic. I get the point but like, dude, your from Atlas, wasnt this shit BANNED in the Great War?

Boy, he really doesnt like Mantle does he. Then again at the same time, my hometown doesnt care for the homeless here. Its probably like that.

Not sure I follow your logic here. Hes probably bluffing. 

Oh wait Penny...right she never left the mansion, she got fucked over.

And thats it.

[outerbongs]

A Whole New World - Chapter 4

Author: Hey guys, sorry for not posting. I am going to try and post more, especially since I posted the prologue for my new fic, Connection. I was going to put this one on hold, but had an idea for it. Enjoy! (ps, a bit is revealed in this, lemme know if you guys expected it!) 

(pps. just realised i literally havent updated this for a month so im rlly sorry!)

Warnings: name calling, trauma, coping mechanisms, semi breakdown, self hatred etc. 

A Whole New World Masterlist!

Masterlist! 

Taglist (open):  @sguymon21 @yungbludz @sexualparkour @jjouterbanks @void-maybank @jiaraendgame

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I wake up in the middle of the night, still cuddled into JJ. I go to check my phone, 11:54pm. Thoughts of what happened earlier begin to flood my head, I sit up to try and calm myself down. I look at JJ, and around me. I should’ve never burdened them with my issues. I am a walking disaster and I’m just wrecking their lives. I get up and head back over to my house, taking my bag full of stuff with me, leaving no trace of me in the Routledge house. 

I walk through the front door, and go to my mum’s room. I open the door slowly to see her laying in bed, reading her favourite romance novel. She looks up at me and a smile falls onto her face. 

“Hey, glad you could find your way back to the house! Did you get lost?” She lets out a chuckle that fills the room, I smile. 

“Sorry, mum. The neighbour and his friends are so nice.” 

“As long as you are having fun, that’s all that matters. Besides, it’s only next door.” My face slowly drops at the mention of fun. I was having fun, but less and less everyday. It was hard to have fun when trauma won’t let you. I try to make it unnoticeable and tell her I’m going to get ready for bed.

I walk into my room and close the door. I lean against it and let out a sigh. Tears fill my eyes and I fall to the ground, holding my head in my hands. 

I just need a break.

I pull out the piano from under my bed and take a deep breath. I begin to play the notes of my favourite song, Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan. I close my eyes, and all of the memories come back. 

I sit in the corner of my room, headphones on full. It still doesn’t block out the sound of the shouting.The song plays in the background. 

“I stay up all night,

Tell myself I'm alright.

Baby, you're just harder to see than most.”

 I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears fall down my face. 

“Get out of my house, you disgusting whore!” Slam.

I put the record on,

Wait 'til I hear our song,

Every night I'm dancing with your ghost.”

I open my eyes. I get into bed and close them again. Hopefully, it’ll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow, my life without the Pogues begins. 

Or so I thought.

I wake up to the sound of JJ and my mum talking in the hallway. 

“Is she okay? She did a disappearing act on me yesterday.”

“Honestly, JJ, I don’t know. Has she told you anything? About her past?” No reply. 

“You should talk to her. She’s in her room. First one on the left.” He thanks her and footsteps head my way. I cover my head with the sheets in hopes he won’t see me. I hear the door open slowly, and him put one foot in. 

“Hails, you okay?” I try to bury myself deeper. He sighs. I feel him sit down on my bed, a few millimetres away from me. 

“Look, I get it if you don’t want to talk. Did I do something wrong?” I sigh, and lift up the sheet so I can sit up. I fiddle with my thumbs as I stutter out whatever I was trying to say. 

“It’s not you. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s me.” He looks at me, confused. 

“I am not as perfect as I appear to be. I’m fucked up. I can’t go a day without thinking of what my life used to be. It’s like a game of hide and seek except the trauma is so good at being a seeker.” He asks me what happened last night, why I freaked out when he shook me. 

“I- I was in a car accident. Alone. The car was on fire. They thought I'd died. I did too. I blacked out the moment the truck drove into the side of me and-” My eyes filled with tears. “-I thought that was me gone. My life, over. I thought I’d lost it all, all because of a stupid truck driver.” I wipe the tears that had fallen, and look up at him. 

“I’m sorry. I am. I should’ve been more aware.” 

“JJ, this is why I have to leave the life you guys have welcomed me into. I don’t want everyone’s sympathy. I’m a freak. I don’t want to burden you, John B, Pope or Ki with my issues.” 

“That’s what we’re for. That’s what I’m here for. 

I’m not gonna leave.”

I look into his eyes, and he smiles. He smiles at me the way you smile at someone when you’ve fallen truly, utterly, completely in love with them.

 But this time I’m not scared.

[beerecordings]

I was thinking about that Therapy AU (ish. thing. question mark?) that you brainstormed a few months back, and I find myself wondering—which of the boys realized “oh hey, I should probably see a therapist” first? And what was the impetus? (Jackie. I’m asking about Jackie. I want to know the story behind how Jackie found his Alderian/Adlerian duder and why he sprung for it. Also the thing about who came first, but Jackie. My boy. Im lov him)

lol yeah you’re right it’s not so much an au as something that i’d like to be canon in just about every universe i come up with lollll. but yeah hm…

I think Henrik goes to see a therapist first because he’s been through literal hell and there’s no way he can handle any of this without professional help. and everybody knows that, you know, like… it’s easier to justify some reasons to go than others. so even though everybody probably needs it they’re all here like “oh GEEZ someone else has had it SO MUCH WORSE than me so HE’S going to therapy” and they all end up ganging up on Henrik with their love and support like “yeah bud you need to see somebody please we’re worried about you!!” and it’s hard to argue when he’s both physically and mentally exhausted so he just ends up letting them take him. he doesn’t have his existentialist therapist at first, that’s too intensive for his mental energy at the time, but he just sees a nice calm therapist who really helps him deal with some of the outstanding issues and find ways to hold on when he’s really bad off. and the others are all so excited and supportive but for some reason when he recommends they try it too, they seem to think he’s joking?

then Chase gets court-ordered to therapy and he’s like “FUCK fine!!” and it makes him sob his heart out every week and he feels so dumb and weak and stupid for like two months before he starts to come around to it. and it’s Henrik who really convinces him that it’s okay, and then eventually it actually starts to help?? and he gets to see the kids again!!! ahh!!! it’s a good time! he and Henrik start scheduling their appointments at the same time so they can get lunch together first and then walk home together too.

JJ gets pressured by the family to join them after he starts getting into some really bad habits like getting into fights and tearing his fists open beating up his punching bag and staring at his razor for long enough that Henrik gets scared and practically drags him there himself (he would not go but he hates to see Henrik so nervous and upset). Marvin has a complete breakdown after years of being the family tough guy without crying once in front of the others and they all get freaked out and ask him to go see somebody for their sake if nothing else (he would not go but when his little brothers look at him like that) and then Jackie is there like “good job guys! I’ll just be over here! love you! :)”

cause the thing is Marvin had convinced himself that he has to be tough enough to deal with everything he goes through in silence, but Jackie is WORSE because he’s just convinced himself he doesn’t have anything to deal with. He’s the big brother, first of all, so he just doesn’t have time for that, and he’s a hero, so nothing’s going to get to him anyway, of course. and then he just hasn’t been through as much as the others, right? Henrik and JJ with Anti, and Chase with his family, and his poor Marv must have been dealing with so much so quietly for so long, and if Jackie had just been a better brother to him he wouldn’t have HAD to do that, he wouldn’t have had to hide anything from anyone, he’d come to Jackie instead of hiding his problems but he doesn’t because he doesn’t trust him enough and that’s because of Jackie’s failures and ALL OF THIS IS JACKIE’S FAULT -

yeah, no, no problems! he’s good! he’s cruising! He doesn’t have it that bad he’s fine! he only struggles sometimes cause he’s a baby, right? he should toughen up, after all he heard Henrik sobbing last night and he has it so much worse, he’s been through so much, Jackie needs to look like everything’s okay so Henrik feels safe and calm. and then everything will be better and everything will be fine. once his brothers are fine, he’ll be fine.

and then his brothers are fine.

he stops, pauses, looks around.

Chase is out with the kids, sober for a year straight. JJ’s just got a new job and he seems happy and well-adjusted. Henrik’s showing his scars without freaking out and has been dealing with his panic attacks well. Marvin admits he had a bad day but says he’s going to make tomorrow a better one! Jackie’s never heard him say anything like that in his life and he seems to mean it, what the hell is happening?

all his brothers are fine and he’s still not… what is happening…. if everyone’s okay why does he still feel so bad about himself?

The others want to go to family therapy now. Apparently JJ’s therapist keeps recommending it because so many of his issues come back to worrying about upsetting the others, and then Marvin’s therapist agrees, and they’re all pretty comfy with therapy by now, and they want to go, they want to try it. and of course he’s not going to turn them down!! yeah, they need him to be the calm big brother in the room, keeping everything together, making sure they’re all safe? of course! he’ll come and support them all!! he’s a little bit terrified at the very prospect but they need this so he’ll do it, he can do it! for their sake. if it’s for their sake it’s okay, it’s permissible, and it’s not weak because it’s not for him, it’s for them.

and then they get in there and it’s so much messier than he expected. first of all the therapist right away goes “so everyone is seeing a therapist personally but you, Jackie” and he goes hot red and feels all his brothers looking at him and makes up something about not needing that and he sees Henrik turn away from him when he says it. and then she keeps trying to draw him into it and he hates that, this wasn’t what he planned, he just wanted to sit here and tell everyone they were doing great!! and then, oh, hell, everything is coming out. everything is coming bleeding out of his brothers and it’s messy and it’s ugly and he’s not a bystander, he’s a part of it, they even say his name sometimes, they even seem to accuse him sometimes. it’s not what he expected, it’s not at all what he expected, it’s not Chase going “I’m sad sometimes when you’re sad Marvin” and Marvin going “oh no I’m sad when you’re sad let’s work on this :’((” it’s like Jameson saying “I can’t tell any of you ANYTHING because half the time you treat me like an infant and the other half of the time you get so upset that even though I want to confide in you I can’t because I know it’ll send you all spiraling, I feel like I’m not allowed to be fucking suicidal but I am and I can’t trust any of you to deal with me - ” and then before he knows it Jackie is fucking sobbing in the therapy room so hard they all have to be done for the day and JJ is sitting there staring at him like he’s just proven his point and the guilt comes crashing down and he feels like he’s dying and he REFUSES to go back next week.

they’re all upset and JJ won’t talk to him. he WON’T go back to that, that was so horrible and humiliating, he’s not doing that again, he’s NEVER trying therapy again.

his brothers go to family therapy without him. that’s fine. that’s good. they’re allowed to. he waits for things to go back to normal.

they don’t.

JJ never talks to him anymore, not about the things that matter. He says there’s no bad blood between them and most likely that’s true, but the fact is he just doesn’t trust him. can’t confide in him. Jackie starts to feel sick every time they’re together, wondering if his baby brother is suicidal right now and just hiding it from him, sitting there doing his embroidery with a movie playing on the couch, thinking about killing himself. Jackie’s starting to get upset more often. Jackie’s starting to crumble. everyone is fine, for the most part. he doesn’t want to upset that. doesn’t want to put the burden of himself on their shoulders. he’s being such a fucking baby. why is he crying himself to sleep again every night? why did he have to go hide in the bathroom for five minutes at the restaurant yesterday because someone said the word antifreeze? why does Chase teasing him about taking the last piece of cake make him want to die so badly? why isn’t he ever happy anymore? Marvin asks him if he wants to go to the arcade and he doesn’t, he isn’t up for it. energy’s gone. hasn’t had much for a long time but he could bury the exhaustion from their sight and that was all that matters. Jamie accidentally cuts his thumb one day in the kitchen and Jackie wants in and sees the blood dripping onto his wrist and he loses it, he loses it, he’s screaming, he’s shouting at JJ, and Jameson just stands there and takes it, Jameson stands there staring at him when everybody else is shouting at Jackie to cut it out, stop it, what the hell Jackie? Jamie is still standing there in silence when Jackie has a full meltdown on the kitchen floor, followed promptly by a miserable, silent, exhausted shutdown that lasts for two days afterwards.

he goes back to family therapy. it isn’t really working. he’s really tired and sad and every time someone tries to confront him about an issue in their family he might be involved in he immediately starts crying and apologizing again and again, taking all the blame on his shoulders, promising them they didn’t do anything wrong even if they did, not accepting comfort or apologies from any of them, everything’s his fault, he promises he’ll fix it, he’ll never go out on patrol again if that’s what they want. and it’s so uncomfortable for everyone and soon family therapy starts turning into “tip-toeing around Jackie while Jackie feels miserable and gets worse” and their therapist tells them this isn’t working anymore.

You need to go to a therapist, they start telling him.

I’ve been going with you all the time, he says.

No, they say, you need to go to a therapist.

Oh.

Well, he can’t do that.

Well, why not? Huh?

Because he just can’t.

Because that’s not who he is.

Why isn’t it who he is?

Jackie, why?

Jackie, say something, say anything.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Because he’s not allowed to be that. He’s not allowed to need help. He’s got to keep them safe - you don’t - I do!

fuck’s sake, Jackie. You can’t keep doing this anymore. You just can’t.

I know, he says. I know.

but he won’t go even when it’s all sitting out in the open and everyone’s staring at him like they’re waiting for him to shatter into glass because the family therapist was not what he needed and he’s scared of the questions and the feeling of being torn apart and the conflict and the sadness and he thinks all therapy’s like that and it’s not for him and he won’t go. and then one day sweet little brother number three comes and lays down with him and hugs him real tight and puts himself right there in Jackie’s arms so his big brother gets to hold him and push their heads together and hear his heartbeat and feel him rubbing at his shoulder. and Chase has probably waited for a soft calm night to tell him this but there’s this really cool thing his therapist recommended for Jackie’s sake where you don’t have to talk at all in therapy if you don’t want to. they just give you this great sand and you can run your hands all over it and then they get all these like toys and models and things out and they ask you questions like “tell me about a time when you were happy” and you just have to build, man, and work from there. and he knows he’s been so sad and tired lately and he wants him to try it because he loves him and didn’t Jackie used to try and convince him to go too?

and you wouldn’t see me as a failure if i went? and you wouldn’t think you had to take care of me? and it wouldn’t be weird for you? and you wouldn’t make fun of me for it? and nobody would ask me too many questions? and i could just build?

and Chase gives him a lot of no’s and one good solid yes, yeah, bud, you can just build, and Jackie goes two weeks later and sits down with the sand and the toys in front of him and just lets it all go and, in plastic houses and little figurines that remind him of his family and the cool soothing weight of the sand in his hands, he tells the truth at last, without ever speaking once.

plus his therapist is really funny and sweet and positive and warm with him. and she keeps going “just between you and me” and he grins and knows he can tell her anything and it doesn’t have to come back and hurt his brothers at all if he doesn’t want it to, he can even say Forbidden Horrible things like “it makes me angry when he does this” or “I wanted to kill that man that night and it scared me how strong I was” and “sometimes I think I’m just as much a mistake as Anti was” and slowly, slowly, they start to work on it. and he learns to apologize respectfully and fairly, without being accidentally manipulative, and he learns to take care of them in a way that he couldn’t before, and he learns that he’s important too, and needed and loved, even if he isn’t strong or positive or perfect every day of every year.

they start going back to family therapy once he’s ready. they keep getting more and more tools to help them put themselves and each other back together again. it’s a good fit after all.

[mollydollyjournals]

I didn't go anywhere today...instead I just had a massive anxiety breakdown, cried again, got a headache again, drank a bit of sort of low alcohol wine to see if it'd help, it did a tiny bit then i started getting anxious again so I just gave up. Had the equivalent of one glass of regular wine, so I can't count it as an alcohol-free day, but it's still really low. Kind of annoying that I have to reset my counter for that but whatever I guess.

I didn't even message bf. He messaged in the evening asking if I was okay and I just haven't had the brainpower to say anything. Sometimes even writing what's on my mind is difficult, but usually I find I can't do interactive conversation. I can write a post about whatever enters my head, but I can't say something relevant and appropriate to a message from a person.

I don't quite know what to do. He knows I'm having a shit time. I could see if I'm able to get going tomorrow. I think I should get ready first and then just ask if he's free. But I think im gonna get my period soon after so then I'll just feel worse and want to hide in bed.

I don't know. I feel so colossally worthless. I feel like if I show up I just need to lean into him and cuddle while we watch something easy and gentle and he tells me nice things. Why would he want me to go see him if I just need to be looked after?

Actual food and weight wise... I feel conflicted about today. I was 158.4, I had my usual breakfast, then didn't have anything for most of the day, but when I did eat it was a junk takeaway and super unhealthy, then I had a bit of herbal detox tea and squash, then I weighed myself and I was 159.4... I usually am 2lbs heavier at night than the morning so I was expecting to be at least 160.4 so tomorrow I'd match today. Tbh I expected to be over 161.

So now I don't know if it's gonna go up during the evening or what. It does sometimes but usually not by much. I should be grateful, but recently every time I've been grateful for something turning out better than expected, it's promptly gone to shit 5x more than I originally thought. Maybe it'll go up through the evening. Maybe I just won't lose anything overnight. Maybe I'll lose a bit by tomorrow but then gain loads this week. I don't know.

I just can't stand my body. Same old. Makes me wonder why the fuck I had that food earlier. I guess at least I don't feel super full from it. I don't know how that works. I don't get my body. I was restricting and working out and plateaued at 156 before, and now I'm possibly gonna lose some after lying around eating junk food??

I guess it's my liver. Liver issues play havoc with your weight. Maybe I've finally damaged it enough that my muscle is wasting away. Who knows.

[malafight]

life update feat. tw teeth stuff

so tomorrow im going to a clinic at 6am to have my whole top row of teeth extracted and replaced with dentures over the course of the day (there’s a special clinic near where my mom lives that does IV sedation with propofol and gets everything done in one day, otherwise i wouldn’t have been able to handle anything at all)

saturday or sunday night tooth #5 broke and it hurt to eat so it finally reached the point where i couldnt deal with the pain any more and my family was finally willing to help me, well past the point of recovery so my only recourse is the nuclear option

i’d say i’m living proof that the “i dont care how depressed you are, brush your fucking teeth” posts should be obeyed, but it’s not as simple and black and white as “i didn’t brush my teeth and now they’re taking my bones”

the intersection of mental illness and poverty is what caused it, really. there were numerous times i could have gotten work done to make it so that, at the very least, it wouldn’t physically hurt me to brush my teeth, so at least i wouldn’t have to deal with that obstacle to regular brushing, but i didn’t have the money for dental work (especially considering i need full sedation for anything more than a checkup due to extreme dental anxiety that would lead to a full-on crying breakdown or me punching a tooth doctor) and my family was unable or unwilling to help me because it’s my own damn fault i got in this situation.

you don’t get much sympathy when dental issues stem from within yourself. yeah, this is because i didn’t brush my teeth. but it’s also because i haven’t seen a dentist in three years. i could never remember to brush my teeth, and when i did remember, i didnt have the energy, and when i did have the energy, i was still reluctant because it hurt and reminded me of the dentist, which terrifies me. ADHD has some kind of interaction that makes it so that anesthesia, specifically local anesthesia, doesn’t have as strong an effect, and i didn’t know this and couldnt articulate it at 7 when a dentist (who was not specifically for children) wouldn’t listen during a filling when i said it still hurt (i bit him and was no longer welcome at that clinic. a few years later, that filling fell out and i had to have the tooth extracted. i don’t know if it’s related but part of me thinks it is. the asshole.)

i’ve started crying during cleanings before. i’m terrified of dentists. i’ve been using humor to get through this situation but i’m... scared. i’m afraid of what will happen in the future, what will change in my life, what it’ll feel like over the course of tomorrow while i deal with all of this. i don’t know what the future holds and it terrifies me into near-paralysis.

but i mean, bright side, you can buy dental acrylic easily, and one of my wives went to uni for practical effects, so they can literally make me fang dentures, and that might make it all okay

and at the very least, when this is all over, i won’t be in pain any more, like i have been for years now. i’m having to pry forks out with another fork but in the end it’ll be worth it

i’m still scared, but i’ll make it. just gotta keep telling myself that.

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

[reyneclaw]

the two promises

in a home that had always been lively and full of warmth, the absence of one of the girls was more than just striking. it was an overwhelming pain, subdued, drowned under the conversation slowly breaking out, the clinking of forks on dishes and even the occasional shy smile, yet a pain still dominating the gathering. it was the absence of another that you couldn’t help noticing. her usual place at the corner of the table was now occupied by aunt maria, some fifteen years older and distinctly larger, so that your eyes registered something was not quite right before you were consciously aware of it.

- mom’s wondering what happened between you and alicia. is this really actually true? did she…? - yes, - his voice was dull and quiet, - yes, it’s true.

as laura was on the verge of a breakdown, and jaime didn’t want to leave her deal with it alone, both were sat on the bathroom floor, without turning on the light. the newborn animal brain, an instinct no more than a couple months old, had already established the firm connection. ‘safe here’, it muttered, ‘hiding place’.

- bastard - she whispered flatly, grabbing him by the shoulders. - you’re thinking of her now. - she leaned closer. - of her. concerned about her safety, probably, right? - listen, i don’t give a damn about her safety, not now, not when… - not in my house, right? not after you helped carry my.. my sister’s… she fell silent. he was stroking her tangled hair gently, thankful that the darkness wouldn’t let her see the tears silently rolling down his own face. - little one, - he said, struggling to find the words. - little one. it must be so hard, you’re too young to handle… it’s so unfair this should have happened to you… - it’s… unfair… to her - laura replied, sobbing wildly.

he held her while she splashed her face with cold water. - i wasn’t thinking of her. you brought up the name first. i don’t care. - liar, - she blurted out, and he knew it was a lie. - you slept with her.

let her talk, let her speak it out, he thought, it will make grieving easier, it might help her cope. there was no denying the obvious. let her talk about anything other than mayte. - i did. - and you dare touch me after that. come here offering help. you think it’s alright, do you? touching her coffin with these hands that have been…

laura never cared much about drinking, and her mother would rather die than let her anyway, but today was out of the ordinary. today, everyone had to do it. half a glass of cheap brandy they both smelled of now might have had too strong an effect on her. still, at that moment, she meant everything she was saying. - no. i only thought you do need help right now. i’m sorry, little one.

her words failed to hurt jaime as badly as she intended. he was in fact barely aware of what she meant, with the image of what laura had seen, what they had done to the little girl who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, if you assume there can ever be the right place and time for an air raid, standing before his eyes. he knew, he didn’t need to see it, and he made no effort to stop crying. let it heal. crying will help even if a little bit. not only him but everyone in the family. - you’ve got a nosebleed. - whatever. - maybe she shouldn’t have brought up that, about where his hands could have been, but she’d say anything to hurt him. and her. and anyone within reach who deserved her anger. someone tapped at the door. - moment, - he said, as he helped her up. - what are you two doing in here? why are you bleeding? - nothing - laura replied impatiently, - nothing serious, imma go put some ice on it.

then, she took him by the elbow and led him out of the crowded kitchen, attempting to do it as inconspiciously as possible. - what if i just tell on her? if i make sure it gets known widely? you do realize i can do that, right? saying this while holding an ice pack up to her nose looked like something from a nightmare. - you won't. - why? are you gonna stop me? no. - thoughts raced through his mind. because it's not the right time. because it's his and only his problem and he wants laura's nose out of it. because she must know to be better than someone she wants revenge on. all wrong, all weak, stupid and unconvincing.

- i just ask you to forget alicia ever existed. please. please don't tell anyone, don't start it, your first priority now is to care for yourself and your mom, you don't want to get involved with all of this... - you will remember her tho. - she said thoughtfully. - her, but not mayte. you fake.. you're only here to show off how nice and caring you are, what a good catholic you are - she spat out the word - while all you care about is this, this woman. how could you even fuck her, knowing she is... laura didn't finish as she was panting for breath. - quiet. - at this point, he'd had more than enough. - just tell me. will you keep silent or...? yes or no?

they looked each other in the eyes. sat on a couch cluttered with wrinkled clothes, her, still holding the ice pack tight to her nose, and him, looking at least a head taller, thin lips quivering, his face swollen and wet with tears.

- i won't tell anyone. ever. i promise. you can relax, from this moment on, i've never heard of her. but. i don't want any of your help or support either. we don't want it. we're gonna be fine. i don't want to see you ever again, or to have anything in common with you or your... she's not mine, he wanted to yell. not anymore. - understood. i'm sorry, lau. i wish you strength. - i wish you'd get lost.

he left discreetly, without saying goodbye. a thin crescent moon rising in the evening sky followed him home. she felt nothing but exhaustion and emptiness. as she went to give her grandpa a hug - had a row? he asked compassionately. she nodded. - it’s bad luck when rows happen at funerals, but it won’t last long. he’ll come back. - i don’t want him to. she felt tired. so tired it sounded like a statement of fact and nothing more.  - shh. i think you’ll reconsider that later. it doesn’t matter who’s right who’s wrong, we all need each other now, especially now. you’d lose a friend if you shut the door in his face. he’s a good guy, he’s got his heart in the right place. try to sleep tonight, will you, take care.  somehow, the world started slowly, piece by piece, coming back together. excruciatingly slowly. but the suggestion she needed to sleep, from an insult, turned into a truth. maybe he’s right about jaime too. heart in the right place. if only it didn’t belong... she’d think about that tomorrow, though, or even better, never at all. after all, she promised. maybe he’s right in knowing, despite never explicitly saying, that mayte is... at least, free from suffering. while her own way only just begins. her thoughts were jumbled. - grandpa? he looked at her questioningly, raising an eyebrow. - thank you. i will take care, you’ll see. i gotta live for both of us now, im not gonna give up, i will live for her, everything she didn’t get to do, in this world, everything she dreamed of... i promise.

[holycalum]

vice (c.h.) part 3!!

summary- (y/n) has another #breakdown but like ACTUALLY this time she goes home just read it 

part 1 part 2 part 4

word count- 3.6k+

a/n- im terrible at summaries i figure if ur reading this far you don’t care you just wanna know what happens ya dig? also i appreciate all the love and support for this fic so much?? because i really thought this would flop but im so happy people are enjoying it. vice is literally my baby rn and i’ve put a lot of effort into it, and to see it pay off is grand ok goodbye. “fuck yeah,” i slurred, holding up my red cup in triumph. “midterms are hashtag over.” i slumped into britt, and she groaned, trying to push me off of her.  

“you’re too drunk,” she yelled over the thumping music. “your flights early tomorrow.”

“don’t care,” i smiled, dancing again. but britt’s word cut through my drunk thoughts moments later, and traveled straight to the gut. i might as well have doubled over because of the sinking feeling in my stomach. i had to go home the next day, and i didn’t want to in the slightest. the remix playing was drowned out as i stopped dancing abruptly, and got stuck in my head. the dark cloud that was rarely over my head anymore came crashing back, and i didn’t have calum to distract me. i had pushed the idea of me leaving college a semester early to kick start my life the back of my head, letting myself get lost in my studies for once, and calum. the second one was really the kicker. i pushed my way through the crowd, suddenly feeling very queasy. i stumbled throughout the unfamiliar house. miraculously i found a bathroom, and practically threw myself into it. i locked the door behind me, and fell to the floor. the cool tile soothed my burning skin, and i felt like i was human again. i crawled over the the toilet, head spinning. 

as i gripped the disgusting bowl and willed myself to throw up, i couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. but that was only the calm before the storm, because soon enough the dark cloud above my head stormed onto me. i cried so hard i gagged, and couldn’t catch my breath. my heart felt shriveled up and small and dead.

i had never been the drunk girl to have a complete meltdown, but i couldn’t stop the emotions from shooting out of every pore in my body. i felt like i was one big sad blob, and i physically couldn’t stop myself from getting drenched in the waters from my dark cloud. 

my crisis was interrupted by a knock at the door, i prayed it was a nice drunk girl that would braid my hair and tell me i’m pretty so i’d stop crying. but when i unlocked the door, calum’s eyes met mine and i cried even harder. i leaned against the cabinets, face in my hands, not wanting calum to see me at all, i wanted to disappear. 

it was funny, in the moments i wanted to be alone with my thoughts the most, calum always seemed to show up. 

“no, no, no,” calum’s words came out frantic, as he kneeled down in front of me and pulled my hands away from my face. the look of panic on his face sent my head spinning. 

“what’s wrong, pretty girl?” his nickname pulled at my heart strings and only made the knot in my stomach grown tighter. 

i couldn’t catch my breath enough to get any words out, so i sat there blubbering like a toddler, looking down, only for calum to tilt my head back up. 

“hey,” he cooed, shutting and locking the bathroom door once again, this time not leaving me alone. he sat against the door, and pulled me to his lap. “let’s just calm down and then we can talk, ok?” he said softly into my hair. i nodded against his leather jacket, trying to take deep breaths. even though i hated being so broken in front of calum, i couldn’t help but cling onto him like my life depended on it. the contact between us grounded me. 

every once in a while a sob would break through my breathing, causing calum to tense up and hold me tighter for a second, before going back to rubbing slow circles on my back. 

once i brought myself back down to earth, i pulled away from his chest, the world around me tilted in all directions. “i don’t wanna go home,” i cried, my words making tears well back up in my eyes. calum’s face was full of guilt as he stared into my bloodshot eyes.

“hey,” he shushed me, wiping under my eyes. he’d need a whole box of tissues to dry my cheeks, “it’s ok, just go slow.” 

“i wanna fall in love, cal.” i admitted, not being able to control the thoughts involuntarily pouring out of my mouth. “i want it all-but i cant have it. they took it from me. i don’t wanna go back.” a lump in my throat sprouted from deep within me, threatening to send me into another crying fit. 

i could see his eyes go glassy, “no,” i begged, “don’t cry.”

“m’ sorry,” he chuckled weakly, reaching up to wipe his own eyes. “going soft, sorry, continue.” another sob wracked through my chest at his state. i leaned my forehead against his chest, letting another cry out. 

“i’m hurting everyone around me,” i said sadly, “i don’t wanna hurt you anymore.” it became crystal clear that everyone was only calum. 

“but it’s so worth it, doll.” he whispered sweetly, smoothing the hairs around my ear. “you’re my sunshine, at the same time. what a contradiction you’ve proven to be.” it almost didn’t make sense. 

i settled against his chest, finally feeling a bit calmer. “an’ i know you’re really drunk right now, so i doubt you’ll remember most of this,” he starts, breath ghosting over my neck. “but, i accidentally let you in and i can feel myself falling for you. and it sucks because you’ll never be mine, fully at least, and you’re one of the only people i’ve let in so close to my heart.”

“stop,” i pleaded, “i don’t wanna know,”

“it’s not a bad thing, pretty girl.” he reassured me, “teaching me that it might be worth it, to let someone in, to enjoy someone’s company beyond sex.”

“i wish it didn’t have to be like this.” i mumbled, feeling very tired. 

“let’s get you home,”

i woke up the next day, to my blaring alarm clock. my head pounded as i flailed my hand around to turn off the terrible noise. it was the day of my flight and i couldn’t have felt any worse. eyes almost glued shut because of how puffy they were, traveled to see i was in the same clothes i was wearing the night prior. i felt like i’d been kicked in the face. clearly i had cried the night before. oh, the night before. 

i remembered almost everything, the crying, calum, more crying. it only made my headache worse. i showered to try and make myself feel less gross, but it only washed away the physical layer of grime. the emotional dirtiness would stay forever. 

i shrugged calum’s shirt over my head, it was dark blue, with maine written in bold white letters. it was probably my favorite shirt on him, so he insisted i have it. it was probably a bad idea to be reminded of calum while i went home, but it made me feel happy, and i could’ve used some light in my life. i pulled on a beanie and my long winter jacket, before grabbing my bags and heading towards the door. my roommates were still passed out from the night before, pillows over both of their heads. 

“bye, guys.” i muttered, before swinging the door open. “jesus, calum.” i breathed, clutching my chest, my heart almost stopping at the sight of him. 

“hey, sunshine.” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. the nickname launched me into the events of the night before and i willed myself not to break. 

“hi,” i breathed, biting the inside of my lip. “thank you, for last night.” 

“anytime,” he replied, “nice shirt.” this time his eyes sparkled a bit, before his face fell. 

“what’s up?” i questioned, not understanding why he was standing outside my dorm at almost eight in the morning. 

“i wanted to say bye to you before you left,” he rocked back and forth on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets. he looked small, and tucked into himself, “feels like i’m losing you.” he mumbled the last part, almost low enough for me to miss it completely.

“please don’t say that,” i shut my eyes, forcing the tears to stay inside of me. he shrugged weakly. 

“i guess this is goodbye,” he smiled at me, brown eyes shining. my stomach sank and i reached towards him and engulfed him in the biggest hug i could muster. i wanted to keep him with me forever. 

“promise me you’ll see me when i get back,” i begged him, clutching onto him for dear life. his tight grasp around my waist indicated he was doing the same.  

“i promise,” his words were muffled by my shoulders, where his perfect face was squished. he pulled away, painfully, almost making me whine at the loss of contact. “goodbye, (y/n).”

“bye, calum.” i breathed, standing on my toes to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “i’ll see you when i get back-when i get home.” it was honest, being with calum felt more like a home than my own childhood house did. 

“i’ll see you then,” he gulped, and he watched me walk away. the entire trip back to my hometown, i spent on the verge of tears and a nervous breakdown.

[11:34 am] me: i can’t do this 

[11:35 am] calum: cant do what sunshine?

[11:35 am] me: my plane just landed. 

[11:36 am] calum: you can get thru this pretty girl

[11:36 am] me: you have way too much faith in me

[11:38 am] calum: (:

calum’s lightheartedness made me feel a bit better as i gathered my luggage painfully quick. near the baggage claim, my parents were waiting eagerly for me.  

“(y/n)!” my mom exclaimed, in a much different tone than she’d had the last time we spoke. it almost made me throw up at how sweet she was acting when the last time she made an effort to talk to me was to try and get me to drop out of school. 

“hey guys,” i plastered on a fake smile, bringing both of my parents in for a hug. “how are you?”

“wonderful, now that you’re back!” my dad said, rubbing my shoulder. “how about we head back to the house and have some lunch, i’m sure you’re starving.”

“i am!” i lied, i wasn’t. not in the slightest, my stomach was twisted and the idea of food made me want to yakk on the spot. my appetite had disappeared the second i turned around to see calum’s pained expression as i walked away. the drive home was tense, calling for awkward small talk and bad jokes. 

when we walked in the front door, i was greeted by a very happy david. my mouth fell open as i was halfway through kicking off my shoes. i felt like my body had been frozen solid. 

“i thought you didn’t get back for another day,” i deadpanned, not being able to hide my emotions. the whole trip was already emotionally heavy, and seeing david so soon only added another layer overbearing feelings. 

“i wanted to surprise you!” david pulled me in for a lingering hug, he was too keen on surprises for my liking. i hugged him back, and our bodies didn’t mold together like calum and i’s did. i felt no fire, i felt no excitement, i felt nothing except for a heavy emptiness settling in my chest. 

my little sister, maya, bounded down the entryway. “(y/n)!” she yelled, and i ripped myself away from david to embrace her. 

“hey, lil’ one.” i said, smiling for real. i pulled away, looking at her. “not so little anymore,” she was taller than i was now, towering over me by a few inches. 

“how’s junior year?”

“rough,” she rolled her eyes, “how’s college.”

“great.” i smiled widely, catching david’s eye, “i love it, you know that.” it was the in small victories. 

“stressful, though!” david cut in,

“a good kind of stress,” i snapped back, turning my eyes back to maya slowly, boxing david out of the conversation. “i’ve met a lot of great people.”

“who’s shirt is that?” she asked suddenly, gripping the dark blue fabric. her eyebrows furrowed together at the sight of the unfamiliar shirt. 

“just a friend’s,” i smiled, my mouth doing dry. maya wiggled her eyebrows at me, and i hit her arm. i wasn’t really lying, calum and i weren’t together, so that left us as friends, although friends weren’t necessarily supposed to act like we did. 

the air that hung around us was dense and suffocating, so i saw myself to the kitchen, where an array of food was laid out in front of my parents, and david’s.  

“hey honey,” david’s mom smiled at me, pulling me in for a hung. she kept an arm wound around my waist as david’s dad caught my attention. 

“how ya’ feelin, kid?” he asked, grinning widely. 

i gave him a gentle smile back, “i’m great,” i breathed, trying to grip onto the last of my sanity that would make my statement at least a little true. we spent the eve of christmas eve making small conversation, settling into the way things had always been, and will always be. 

i ended up sprawled out on my little sisters bed, late that night, face down. everyone had left, and i could finally feel my shoulders relax. 

“so...” maya sat next to me, causing me to roll onto my side. “you seeing anyone?” she mused, poking my shoulder. 

i sighed, “you know i shouldn’t.” i put simply, trying the avoid the thought and conversation. 

“when has that stopped you?” she challenged, “i know you don’t really love david,” she added quietly, looking at me with caring eyes. 

“even if i was...” i started, “it can’t be a good idea, it’ll only hurt more people in the end.”

maya frowned, “you deserve to be happy, (y/n).”

“i know,” i pulled my lips into a straight line, “i can make it work, i still have you.”

“you won’t be fully happy,” she fretted, her tone more upset than it was before. 

“maybe no ones ever fully happy,” i shrugged, “maybe i’ll just be a little less happy, i’ll survive.”

maya chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment, “do you think they’ll make me marry someone i don’t like too?” i sat up, and tucked a piece of her hair behind her hair. she seemed like a little girl again, and it broke my heart. 

“you were always more stubborn than i was,” i whispered, smoothing her hair down, “they can’t hold you down, lil’ one.” she smiled, “goodnight, maya.” the topic became too much to stomach. 

“night, (y/n).” i made my way out of maya’s room, padding down to my old bedroom. it was almost exactly the same, just a bit staler, from the lack of movement. the bed was freshly made, and i climbed into it, feeling drained from the day.

i woke up christmas eve morning, and fell into the bustling nature of the day ahead. i was helping cook and clean and prepare for everyone to come over. that night we’d have cousins and david’s family and david’s cousins over, and we’d all have one big painful night. 

when i was younger, christmas eve couldn’t come quick enough, and maya and i would spend the whole day waiting for the evening. but, as an adult, the festivities proved to be more annoying than joyful and the night rolled around too quick. my late afternoon nap was interrupted by my mother shaking me awake, informing me of the arrival of our relatives. 

i sleepily greeted everyone as they got to the house, stopping for a long conversation with my grandfather. i had never been more grateful for his ability to digress into the longest conversations ever, when i saw david and his family walk through the door. i focused on my grandfather, listening to whatever he was speaking about.

“that’s really interesting,” i said, “tell me more.” i practically begged, and my grandpa almost passed out at the excitement of someone wanting to listen to him. 

“hey, (y/n).” david piped up, his blonde hair was littered with snow flakes from being outside. 

“one second, david. my grandpas just telling me a story-“ i was cut off,

“that’s fine, sweetheart.” my grandpa said, his smile fading a bit. “go on.” i gave him a sad grin, and hugged him briefly before david pulled me towards the living room. 

“i was having a conversation,” i crossed my arms in front of david, pushing him out. 

he rolled his eyes, “i know you hate those conversations,” 

“that one was really immersing me!” i shot back, stomping my foot. he gripped my forearm, pulling me closer, “don’t throw a fit,” he grumbled, running a hand through his hair. 

“whatever,” i brushed it off, knowing i wouldn’t get my way. “what’s up?” “i just wanted to talk to you,” he answered, “i hadn’t seen you since i visited you and we hardly spoke yesterday.”

“m’ just tired,” i rubbed my eyes for effect, 

“we’ve barely spoken on the phone either,” he sneered, his face almost as flushed as his pink shirt. 

“two way street, david.” i said, my face straight and unmoving. 

“you know i love you, (y/n).” david sighed, reaching out for my hand. it was cold and uninviting, unlike calum’s warm embrace. “i just get busy, and distracted. i could use something to pull me out of it.”

“i get busy too,” i stated, my hand stiff in his, and i wondered if this was his idea of love. 

“with that major...” he muttered under his breath, and i almost didn’t hear him. “i just want us to be on good terms.”

“we are.” as good as we could get, it wasn’t saying much, but it was something. he smiled. 

“good.” and then i walked away, excusing myself to the restroom. i stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sink so hard my knuckles went white. i let myself breath for a second, feeling i’d lose control if i didn’t. i pulled my phone out quickly, typing a text to calum. 

[7:27 pm] me: merry christmas eve

[7:30 pm] calum: merry christmas to you, pretty girl

[7:30 pm] calum: how are you?

[7:31 pm] me: surviving 

“(y/n)?” a knock cut through my trance and i jumped, going to open the door. 

“hi,” i caught my breath, looking at my mom. 

“dinners ready,” she stated, “you alright?”

“yes.” i nodded, following her to the dining room. david took a seat next to me, uncomfortably gripping my thigh throughout the night. his touch wasn’t reassuring or nice, it was repulsive and empty. 

after dinner, we all sat in the living room, gathered around the tree, giving our cousins gifts and opening them early. it was a family tradition to open gifts from extended family christmas eve, and david’s family had intertwined with ours, making it like a huge pre-christmas. once all the little cousins finished opening toys and sharing with one another we all started to fall into our own conversations. 

“i actually have one more gift,” david’s voice bellowed, it was loud and dripping with confidence. 

oh no. 

“it’s for (y/n),” he said, shifting his weight to one of his knees. 

oh no. 

“(y/n),” he started, grabbing both of my hands and the attention of everyone around us. i felt maya’s eyes shoot to mine, wide and worried. i felt sick to my stomach, “i love you, you know that.” my whole body was lit aflame and not in any desirable way, i felt too hot and crowded and my tongue felt like heavy sandpaper in my mouth. 

i couldn’t do anything but sit there, mouth hung open, heart pumping wildly. i watched his mouth move but i didn’t hear any noise come out, my ears rung loudly.

“will you marry me?” i didn’t answer, i couldn’t answer. 

“of course she will!” my mother shrilled loudly, clutching her chest. 

my eyes were dull with loss, the sharp edges of my memories with calum slicing at my heart as he slid the ring on my finger. i felt like i didn’t have myself anymore, or even know who i was. i didn’t know. i didn’t care. 

david pulled me in for a hug, as our family clapped loudly around us. it was all real and i couldn’t stop it. 

i looked calm, up until i finally shut my bedroom door behind me. all at once my tears flowed out, the dark cloud above my head had once again stormed on me, leaving me soaked to the core. i dragged myself to my bed, not bothering to change out of the clothes i’d wore that night. i felt hopeless as sobs ran through my body, shaking every part of me. my room was miserable and cold, and the only sound piercing the silence was my occasional cries i couldn’t keep quiet. 

i cried for me, i cried for my future kids, i cried for calum.

calum

. i wanted to tell him, i wanted to hear his voice and i wanted him to tell me it was going to be ok, but it wasn’t and not even he could change that. but i longed to feel him, and the brightness he elicited by only giving me a look. my heart ached as i fell asleep, my future dragging me closer and closer.

a/n: ok drama lmk what ya think even if its me being stupid and spelling something wrong but feedback is appreciated! thank u for reading!! part 4 should be up tomorrow or in the next couple of days. ALSO im gonna fosho gonna write more after this is done so if you have an requests pls message me i would love 2 write what yall want ok goodbye love u 

tags: (lmk if u wanna be added for part 4/any other shit i write) @rexorangecouny

[bigskydreaming]

I’m three seconds away from a full on mental breakdown on any given day, every given day, and literally the only reason I haven’t yet is because I know that I just fucking fundamentally CANT AFFORD TO, like, that’ll be it, I just can not fucking afford to just collapse in bed and curl up and just.....let myself buckle under the constant pressure and stress I’ve been under for god knows how long, because even a fucking DAY for that, let alone two days or three, like....that’ll just be that much more in the way of expenses I can’t even pay NOW let alone if I miss one or more days of potential work. 

And so I keep going and keep going and I haven’t slept in like two days as is because I’m busting my balls trying to make all the money I need this week even though I KNOW damn well I can’t POSSIBLY do it, that its an impossible goal, like its not even that much money in the grand scheme of things but it might as well be thousands more considering the likelihood of me actually being able to make it and yet I keep burning myself out, using up everything I dont even HAVE to use as it is because I literally cant do anything else like there’s nothing else to do, my only other options are that or just...stopping, and I just cant do that, its not in me. And so I spend every hour of every day tired and stressed and pissed off and pound out a few angry posts on tumblr every time I take an hour or two off from work because I HAVE to, because I’m so stressed and angry my hands are literally shaking and I can’t focus on work because I keep getting distracted by how fucking much I just hate everything right now and I gotta just vent SOMETHING out before I can even get back to work because I feel like a slow pressure cooker that’s been building up pressure and steam and whatever for twenty five fucking years and I have to relieve some of that pressure, I have to vent it to try and keep it from getting to be too much but its not enough, its never enough. And the punchline is it really does feel like there’s this sense of urgency, like Im running out of time, but its not cuz its like all building to some kind of dramatic finish, its not like I’m gonna just fucking EXPLODE at any point once the pressure finally builds up too much, Im not gonna DO anything, its like the complete opposite. Its like...Im scared that one day I’m just gonna wake up and just be like...done. Even though I dont want to be, like Ill still want to get out of bed and work and try and do all the things I need to do and FIX shit, do the stuff that I’ve spent all this time working towards so I can finally have some kind of LIFE something thats not just a never ending cycle of get up, work, eat, sleep, 7 days a week, 30 days a month, over and over....I just won’t be able to. Like I’ll be all used up, nothing left, I’ve tapped it all, no more fuel in the tank. That’s what I’m afraid of and that’s why I’m so. fucking. mad. all. the. time. because I dont want that, its the last thing I want and Im afraid nothing I can do can stop that from becoming a reality and that just makes me more pissed off and like...fuck. I dont have big asks, I dont have big dreams, I dont want that much, and it just makes me more mad how pathetically small my wildest fantasies are right now and how unreachable they are anyway, even when, haha, funny joke, they’re all things that aren’t inherently impossible or out of reach they’re just ENOUGH out of reach that its like the universe fucking mocking me with what I want but will never get. 

I want a fucking jaw that works. I want a day where my head doesn’t feel like its gonna split out of my skull. I want to be able to watch or read something and just ZONE out and relax for the hour that takes without being distracted half the time anyway because shouldnt I be working right now, I want to not have to worry every. fucking. day. about having a roof over my head tomorrow, if this will be the night I end up sleeping on the street again, I want to not have to have a friend check I’ve eaten every day and not gone a couple days without eating just to have an extra twenty bucks towards rent, I want to be able to walk in a straight line without falling over, to be able to go outside and TALK to people, to fucking exercise again, because fuck, I never went to the gym because of muscles, exercise is one of the only non medication things that actually gets my brain working right, keeps me motivated and my stress down and without it Im stuck relying twice as much on medication that gets less and less effective every day because of my stupid fucking metabolism like hahaha great I have a skinny waist, thats really helpful in my celibate hermitage you know what I’d like even more though? 

BEING ABLE TO FUCKING USE THE MEDS THAT MAKE MY BRAIN ACTUALLY PRODUCTIVE FOR MORE THAN THREE HOURS AT A TIME BEFORE THEY WEAR OFF AND I GOTTA POP ANOTHER ONE. I have all these things I want to do and NONE of them are big, none of them are OUT there, like, I just want to fucking be able to write and tell stories and go to the movies every now and then and I cant fucking do any of that because my entire fucking goddamn life is nothing but a never ending cycle of spending every waking moment and every ounce of energy and willpower on just fucking staying alive, and not even so I can do any of those things, do anything that matters, no, just to KEEP doing the same shit over and over and over without actually going anywhere, getting any closer to my goals, like I’ve stalled or made it as far as this fucking anchor around my ankle will let me go or there’s just this fucking wall in my way and that’s it, doesn’t matter how far I acme to get here thats as far as I get, everything I try to get past it, to keep going, it all just ends up being just barely enough to keep me right where I am, treading water, not dragged back and having to do it all over again at least but what difference does it make when this is as far as I can get and Im fucking STUCK and THIS, HERE does me no fucking good, like what the fuck is that even? 

And I know that there’s no answer to that, I know there’s no fucking point, it just is what it is, things just happen and that’s all, that’s the entire punchline of my entire fucking goddamn soap opera trainwreck of a life and every stupid fucking thing thats ever happened, there is no point, there is no WHY, it just fucking HAPPENED and if I had the tools to get past that fucking wall, I could DEAL with that, I could make my peace with that, but stuck on this side of it not being able to go any further I just can’t wrap my head around it, I cant accept it, I cant be okay with something thats true whether or not Im okay with it, and I KNOW all that and so Im stuck. Im stuck being tired and Im stuck being angry and Im angry I’m tired and I’m tired of being angry and it just keeps going and going and Im afraid thats all its ever gonna do, is keep going and going and going until I just...run out of steam. Dont reblog please. I just needed to fucking scream this somewhere other than my head so my head can maybe shut up about it and try a new song for a change.

[turtle-steverogers]

Departed Chap 1

This was originally on my ao3 but i’m impulse posting it here YEET (ima put all the chapters under #departed)

Ship: Slow burn Sprace

Warnings: Domestic Abuse mentions

It had been a long fucking day. Well, a long fucking week really between midterms and work at the Tae Kwon Do studio he instructed at, but today especially had dragged on and Spot Conlon was ready to take a hot shower and sleep. But of course, nothing was ever that simple. His evening plans were quickly squashed by the sound of weak knocking on his apartment door. Spot groaned and pulled himself up from his comfortable position on the couch, reluctantly unbolting the door and opening it. He was about to reprimand the person knocking for bothering him at eleven o’clock on a Friday night, but hastily shut his mouth when he took in the person in front of him.

“Race? What the fuck.” Spot said, his voice coming out a little louder than he meant it to. Antonio “Racetrack” Higgins, his best friend of five years, was standing outside his apartment door, nursing a bloody nose and several hand-shaped bruises on his exposed arms.

Race locked eyes with Spot, his gaze tired and annoyed, “Canya not raise your voice? My head hurts.” He mumbled, then shouldered past Spot and proceeded to kick off his shoes.

“Sorry,” Spot murmured, still trying to grasp the situation as Race gingerly laid himself on the couch, “But uh, you gonna tell me what happened?”

“No, I’ma sleep.” Race grunted.

“Racer, ya can’t just come to my apartment covered in bruises and blood and expect me not ta-”

“Sean, I know. I promise I’ll explain tomorrow, but I’m so exhausted and I really don’t wanna be awake right now.” Race said, his eyes already closed.

“Okay, but you are talkin’ tomorrow,” Spot said, finally moving away from the door, “Also, no sleep yet. Your face is bloody as fuck and you are not sleepin’ on my pillows like that.”

Race groaned and didn’t move, “Spottie…”

“Nope, c’mon, at least clean up,” Spot persisted, “You don’t even gotta get all the way up, just clean off ya face.”

There was a small pause and for a moment Spot wondered if Race had stubbornly started to fake sleep, then he heard a small, “Fine.”

Spot wet a paper towel in the kitchen sink, then quickly retrieved an extra pair of sweatpants from his bedroom.

“Here,” he said, handing both things to Race, who took them lying down, “Clean off and get changed, I’ll grab ya some blankets.”

Race didn’t reply and Spot watched for a moment as he pulled himself into a sitting position, wincing as he did so. He really did look like shit. Blood was covering the front of his shirt and there was a bruise on his jaw that Spot hadn’t seen before.

“Spot, I uhh, I appreciate you checkin’ me out, but could I have some privacy?” Race said, a tired smirk coloring his features.

“Oh,” Spot said, snapping out of his reverie, “Yeah, yeah sorry.”

He left to dig some sheets out of the hallway closet and was just gathering a pillow when he heard a small whimper then, “S-spottie? Couldya help?”

Spot turned to see Race with his jeans halfway off. The sweatpants were crumpled at his side.

“My chest is kinda, uh, bruised and my abilities ta move are compromised…” He continued, not making eye contact with Spot.

“Oh! Yeah, ‘course.” Spot said, making his way over to Race and sitting beside him. He carefully lifted Race’s legs into his lap and pulled off his pants off completely, then began to pull the sweatpants onto his legs.

When they reached his mid thighs, Race cleared his throat, “I can get ‘em from here.” He said, blushing slightly.

“Ya sure?” Spot asked as he watched Race struggle to pull them up farther, “Dude, lemme see your chest.”

Race paused his action, then swiftly pulled the sweatpants up the rest of the way, taking deep breaths after, presumably to stop the pain in his torso.

He paused for a moment, toying with the hem of his shirt before shaking his head, “My chest is fine, well, not entirely fine, but no ribs are broken. I checked. Can I please jus’ sleep?”

Spot sighed, “Fine, I’ll stop houndin’ ya.” He studied Race’s face for a moment longer before standing and grabbing a discarded sweatshirt from the chair nearest to him and handing it to Race.

“Here, so you don’t gotta wear a bloody ass shirt all night.” Race took it, but made no move to put it on, “If ya need anythin’ in the night, just shout. Night Race.”

“Night, Spot.”

XXX

The next morning, Spot woke up to the sound of the coffee maker turning on. He climbed out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweats. When he entered the kitchen, Race pulled another mug out of the cabinet.

“You’re movin’ around better,” Spot observed, noticing that Race had changed into the sweatshirt he had given him the night before.

Race only grunted in reply, busying himself in pouring coffee for the two of them. Once he was finished, he handed Spot a mug, then sat himself at the kitchen counter. Spot sat down across from him and worked on adding sugar to his cup.

Spot startled slightly when Race spoke quietly, “It’s never gotten this bad before. I mean, she’s always been harsh in her words and maybe a slap here or there, but she was drunk and I was annoyin’ her I guess and next thing I knew she was comin’ at me with a bottle and...” He trailed off, closing his eyes to compose himself.

Spot looked at him in shock. Race could only be talking about one person- his girlfriend, Melissa. They had been dating for a little over a year and at first, their relationship had seemed perfect. But then, Race would stop coming to group hang-outs, and when he did come, he seemed nervous. He would leave early and never seemed to participate as much as he used to. Spot had suspected this was Melissa’s doing for a while, but he never could have imagined it going this far and never brought it up. Though, given Race’s current condition, he wish he had.

Race continued, “I dunno what to do, Sean. I haven’t been able ta breathe in that relationship for a while, but now I’m suffocatin’.”

“Break up with her, you don’t gotta stay in that situation.” Spot said, softly.

Race looked up for the first time, fear evident in his eyes, “No! No I can’t-that would jus’ be..I mean she’d find me and- no I can’t.”

Spot’s eyes flicked down to Race’s hands, noticing for the first time that they were shaking. Race must have seen Spot looking, because he cleared his throat and gripped his mug tight enough to turn his knuckles white.

“Alright,” Spot sighed, “We can talk more about this later, alright?”

Race didn’t say anything, but he didn’t object, so Spot took that as a yes.

“Are ya hungry? I could make pancakes.” Spot suggested.

Race shrugged, then nodded, “With blueberries?”

Spot scoffed, “‘Course. It’s not like ya’d eat ‘em without.”

Race smiled slightly into his mug, “I hate how well ya know me.”

Spot chuckled lightly and said, “That’s jus’ the price of friendship, buddy,” before turning to his cabinets to get out the ingredients for the pancakes. It was mostly quiet for a few minutes while Spot cooked, save for the sound of their coffee mugs clinking and Race humming to himself. However, the comfortable quiet was interrupted by Race’s phone ringing.

“Shit,” Race muttered to himself.

“S’it Melissa?” Spot questioned, turning around to place the plate full of pancakes on the countertop.

“Yep,” Race said, distractedly. He sighed, then picked up the phone, standing up from his seat at the counter as he did so.

“Yeah?” Race said, meekly into the phone. Immediately, shouting could be heard from the other end of the phone and Spot watched in concern as Race flinched and drew his shoulders up to his ears, “I’m sorry- I said I’m sorry. No- I-I’m out right now. O-okay. Y-yeah. I’ll come back now. I- Melissa, no. I said I’d come-please.”

Spot could feel his heart break as he watched his best friend transform into a stuttering mess. After a few more seconds of Melissa’s audible shouting and Race trying to get a few words in, the call was ended. Race slumped back down in his chair and put his face in his hands.

“I’m not letting you go back there, Race.” Spot said, gently, yet firmly.

“I-” Race cut himself off as his voice cracked, and Spot was surprised to see his shoulders start shaking with what he presumed were tears. He’d only ever seen him cry once before, and they had both been drunk. He jumped into action when Race’s cries turned to sobs, quickly making his way around the counter so he could carefully rub a hand up and down his arm to ground him.

“I-I don’t know w-what ta do, Spottie,” Race choked out.

“We’ll figure this out, Racer, I promise.” Spot said, soothingly, although his heart was in his throat. It scared him to see his best friend breakdown like this.

“I’m scared,” Race whimpered.

“I know, I’m right here.”

TAG LIST:

@bencookisagod

@we-dont-sell-papes

@suddenly-im-respecsable

@aw-jus-let-em-spook

@well-the-kids-do-too

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn

@thatpoorguysheadisspinning

@newsies-of-nyc

@andthewoildwillknow

[baekhvuns]

You should definitely give it a go. 👀 Though it's gonna cause you some pain, but it's fun and full of hot 2D people.

https://twitter.com/seonghwaveneers/status/1517953511312576513?t=PoJHy-7IsLrScdUH53Sc_w&s=19 - FUCK IS THAT BOXER HWA?! Stop because maybe I'm seriously starting to see and perceive and yearn for boxer Hwa.... uhhhh. Yeah gonna unalive tomorrow(?) when his promo photo drops. Fucking DENIM SLAYER am I right lmao.

Anyway the concert footage is making me cry I'm torturing myself waiting for my friends so we can go to a kpop party - catch me sob when they play Ateez, gonna have a breakdown when Fireworks or something starts playing. 😭🥴 MISS BAEK WHY AREN'T WE THERE THIS IS CRIMINAL. The fact I could technically go see them but I FUCKING CANNOT. 🔫

Despite all this hotness I'm just a sad bitch rn and it's gonna continue 💔

OK BLONDE SAN TRYING TO UNDRESS SEONGHWA UHKHHhhHYSUJSHHSHA he was so right for this! Speaking of why was our bald guy yelling aggressively all sweaty and beastly I almost stabbed myself with an eyeliner. He needs a lawyer cause I'm gonna lock him up!

Btw what if red Hwa cb since it's after Rhythm Ta... what if Addicting Kitten Seonghwa in full 4k. He deserves to be in a music video seriously. I know I'm having a 🤡 moment but oh well...

Huhu, I hope your cousin gets some lawful 🍆 then! Then you can use her story as an inspiration for your law fic, qhahjajqjagaujshwga. - DV 💖

HELLO

You should definitely give it a go. 👀 Though it's gonna cause you some pain, but it's fun and full of hot 2D people.

NO BC IT BE WORTH IT 👁👄👁🤚🏼

https://twitter.com/seonghwaveneers/status/1517953511312576513?t=PoJHy-7IsLrScdUH53Sc_w&s=19 - FUCK IS THAT BOXER HWA?! Stop because maybe I'm seriously starting to see and perceive and yearn for boxer Hwa.... uhhhh. Yeah gonna unalive tomorrow(?) when his promo photo drops. Fucking DENIM SLAYER am I right lmao.

IM GONNA START CRYING STOP THAT VIDEO HAS HAUNTED ME EVER SINCE THEY POSTED IT I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT ITS HORRENDOUS FBNWBDKE did u just boxer hwa 🔫 sTOP BC HIS PHOTOS GONNA DROP IN LILE 4 HRS IM NOT READY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Anyway the concert footage is making me cry I'm torturing myself waiting for my friends so we can go to a kpop party - catch me sob when they play Ateez, gonna have a breakdown when Fireworks or something starts playing. 😭🥴 MISS BAEK WHY AREN'T WE THERE THIS IS CRIMINAL. The fact I could technically go see them but I FUCKING CANNOT. 🔫

FBWNDBWNBDWK OMG 😭😭😭 MISS ANON U TELL ME WHY WE ARENT THERE THEY FUCKING PERFORMED TREASURE PK WAVE????? IM THIS IS NOT FAUR WHEN DO WE MEET UP AND WHEN SHOULD WE GO 🔫 bestie what if u, u know stand outside their arena when the concert goes on- oMg omg a kpop party ik there’s a kpop night club here and they play like bang bang bang and fireworks with full bass aND 😭😭😭😭😩

OK BLONDE SAN TRYING TO UNDRESS SEONGHWA UHKHHhhHYSUJSHHSHA he was so right for this! Speaking of why was our bald guy yelling aggressively all sweaty and beastly I almost stabbed myself with an eyeliner. He needs a lawyer cause I'm gonna lock him up!

NO BC BLOND SAN = DEMONS BACK BDMWJDKW HE DID COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR US AND GOD BLESS THAT MAN NAMED CHOI SAN FOR THIS FBWNDBMWBDMW RBQMDBWMDBWK NOT THE EYELINER FBDNDBDB

Btw what if red Hwa cb since it's after Rhythm Ta... what if Addicting Kitten Seonghwa in full 4k. He deserves to be in a music video seriously. I know I'm having a 🤡 moment but oh well...

anon. i wish u saw me shiver with the chill that ran down my spine after reading this becauseWHAT THW FUCK THAMDJWKDBSKDHSKDHWMBDQM WHY I WOULD NOT???? SURVIVE??? HELLO???

Huhu, I hope your cousin gets some lawful 🍆 then! Then you can use her story as an inspiration for your law fic, qhahjajqjagaujshwga. - DV 💖

LMFAOOOO GFKWHDKQBDMW U KNOW WHAT I MIGHT JUST BUT SHE GOES TO THE NEIGHBOURING UNI FOR THE FUN STUFFS DBDBDB