#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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i submitted my lovely mouseboy Finnegan for the @ahatintime-oc-competition yesterday :D here is the art i drew 4 them!
for those unaware: he came from a dream i had once involving him and Snatcher But As A Bird; and i sorta just. added onto them from there. they're so sillay
#a hat in time oc#potatart#ahit#(just for the art tag....sorry :#Finnegan Snowshoe#get propergandered. i will conjure up more art of them soon i think#very vivid image in my mind of what their personality is like but its rlly hard to describe#...........#ok quickly avert ur eyes i am going to say something that is embarrassing to me#oc competitions make me nervous and it is because i think last time i did one it went Badly#like idc about the losing part i thought that was really funny but i just felt like everyone.hated me :#i know thats not true and its the brain poison talking but#i remember somebody skimmed thru my account and saw that i was hyperfixated on south park at the time and#uswd that as a reason to not vote for my character#which was one of those things that made me so so nervous that i felt Physically Ill and it ruined like my whole day#confidence is key. i think. so i am grabbing myself by the shoulders and going “YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN!!!!”#sorry for the very Personalness that just jappened here. its okay thought bc i trust everuone averyed their eyes to my sad ramblings#besides i like finnegan :] and i trust most ppl to not Kill me Dead#anyways. ignore ignore ignore FINNECHER NUMERO UNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THIS IS A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL: PUTTING TOO MUCH EFFORT INTO THINGS
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for the violence ask game: 8 common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about. for milgram. i know exactly what you're going to say i just want to see you go off again
Hiii bestie. You do know what I'm about to talk about. Yippee
Disclaimer that this whole essay is like. For fun and how I say things is ramped up to be funny. I don't mind if you disagree w me cuz like that's the nature of things! We disagree but we can get along.
Anyways short answer for people who don't wanna see the essay: organ harvesting theory. This is about shidou.
Idk how prevalent it is rn since not many people even talk about shidou but it was prevalent enough in June when I got into milgram that I believed it for a bit anyways the rest in under the cut cuz I'm insane sorrg
SO the main reason I think the theory is WRONG (hyperbole‼️) is because I just think it's unrealistic. Man works in a hospital in Japan. How would he pull it off. Scuff an operation bad enough to cause braindeath/death and I'm p sure they suspend your medical licence, if he participated in an organ harvesting operation pre-family-accident his case would then be black and white cuz he was doing it in complete sound mind with no regard for human life. Also it wouldn't justify the extreme reaction he's had to realizing, specifically, "what I've been robbing people of" (t1 voice trailer), and he wouldn't have as heavy a focus on the relatives' feelings and reactions. At least story writing wise it'd make less sense since it doesn't allude to anything if that's the end goal? Imo at least. Idk maybe this is because I really like tragedies in media. Also because it'd be a really disproportionately severe crime compared to every other direct murderer???? Like. We have strangled someone, stabbed someone, bludgeoning, bludgeoning, kicked someone to death. Organ harvesting looks cartoony in this context. It's also not a very prevelant issue in Japan iirc.
Also to prove my point further. If we use this theories the murders would be
Strangling, abortion??????, cyber bullying, stabbing, organ harvesting, toxic r/s, telling the truth (lmao), bludgeoning, bludgeoning, bludgeoning (minus weapon). Organ harvesting is goofy cuz it seems so.... Extreme,,,,,,,
ALSSOOOOO funny point. If he's not directly involved in his murder (as in, unintentional and indirect) that makes 5 direct and 5 indirect. Silly.
Also also his murder seems somewhat tied to how he feels about his job itself ("I wanted to contribute to society (about his career choice)/I had thought my work was a contribution to society", use of past tense) and to me it reads like hes disillusioned w his job esp since his reason for getting a highly sought after, high paying and high social ranking job is "I wanted to contribute to society". Doctors with that empathy can be affected by the death around them more severely and I think that's a fun topic to look at
I count this under "common fandom opinion" cuz it was common enough around June (whenyours truesly got into milgram) that I believed it. I mean I introduced shidou to my friend (hello clown) as "maybe Dr malpractice. Organ harvesting dude" and said friend (hello again clown) is also the one who's heard me bash the organ harvesting theory like 6 times at least now so. Yippee.
Take none of this seriously I just got off a plane and am so very eepy. If you like the organ harvesting theory good for you!!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥 you do you bestie !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally do not think less of anyone who believes that theory I just personally dont lmao
#sand speaks#hiiiii bestie my silly mutual. youve heard this rant before now for it poorly formatted in text#i mean its better formatted than when i actually talk abt it cuz if i wrote it the way i originally did the points would not be organised#like at all. itd be so bad#anyways all of this is lighthearted i dont think less of anyone with different opinions i just. dont believe the theory at all#i like the tragedy thag comes woth it technhcally not being his fault but also kinda being his fault.#like maybe he had really bad manners towards relatives. or horribls bedside manner (youre in my way just die already“ like ok mr kirisaki.#dont say that to a comatose patient my dude. but yeah it can be argued that morally hed be in the wdong#or if he persuaded relatives to dknate patients organs. which is rude and also malpractice (coercion and taking advantage of ppl in vulnerab#and with his themes of lying (covers) i fhink it could wither be lying to relatives of patients OR. him seeing hsi work and the promise of#saving people from illness or death as a lie and a hoax becasye so many people died anyways despite those promises#anhwyas im insane about this man. characters with extreme worldviews entirely of their own making my beloved#like nothing told him to believe this. he just does and thats whats interesting to me#anywasy suuper sorry about the big essay and the many tags. i love this fandom#i have so much to say but so little phone battery. and mental battery its Zzzzzzzzz time#tell me if abything in here sounds mean or anything btw im too used to being mean as a jokiing thing so im worried ill offend someone
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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i was watching a reality tv show that had someone from my hometown in it and oh my god how can hearing your own dialect sound so much like home 😭😭 i live like an hour away from my hometown so the dialect there and where i live now dont really differ that much but it makes all the difference to me especially since i know the longer i live in here the less i start sounding like im from home
#finnish dialects are interesting bc the biggest difference among them is how u shorten the words from ''written finnish''#as in like do u say mä mää mie or what instead of minä#ok obviouslt there are some dialect words too and its more nuanced than that but yknow#it's just. augh. i dont want to live in my hometown but i often miss it#especially the way we speak#i think ill visit there this or the next week#ill probably go and wash my rugs there bc thats a fun activity and i think ill ask my grandma if she needs any of her rugs washed#bc i genuinely like washing rugs its so fun#are outside rug washing areas a thing outside of finland. im assuming they are a thing at least in other nordic countries.#anyways im going to stop talking about finnish dialects for now bc its such a cool thing and i dont want to get too excited#like. if you ask me about it you will have to suffer a long ass monologue. from a guy who is not even a linguist.#i just like observing the way ppl speal#*speak#leevi talks
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tbh ppl are kindof mean
#maybe idk maybe its my fault but its likee every time i talk to ppl on tumblr ever they promise thier nice and different a hundred times but#like in one day thier like they get super mad at u if ur not there every day and thier likee#like u say u dont feel comfy sending pics of u bc of things thats happened and thier like ok i wouldnever ask u to bc we r friends#and like the next day they ask and ur likee i dont want to and they get really mad and ask again and againg and again and again#and then u feel bad and u do maybe some of what they want and they jsut want more or try to make u#and idk. i like to talk and make friends and talk about Stuff but i feel rlly bad when i say i dont wanna an ppl get mad#so im likee idk if i will wanna talk here anymore and i been avoiding it and stuff alot for like long times#but also like i like th people i talk to alot besides that and im not like like no fun or whvtever#and its like maybe im the one being mean rlly but idk like#like i dont like to make ppl sad esp when were like friends#just stresses me and makes me not wanna talk here#soo if i dont talk here again thats sorta why#ig#ill probbably still look at posts and stuff sometimes but idk for sure if i will talk so much
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i need to draw o/ff characters again and post hcs abt them to my blog. oogoog
#i dont particularly like the popular hc that en/och eats his els/en. it feels weird to me for multiple reasons#KEEP IN MIND THIS IS ALL PERSONAL THINKINGS OK ok here i go#ik i said id post em on the blog but im abt to go to sleep so imma say it here#but like. mahybe im just crazy or looking too deep into things. but i dont see any reason for en/och = eats his els/en besides the fact#that hes fat. and like thats it from what i can rememebr.#like id ont. remember him saying any dialogue that would insinuate it??#OK hold on clarifying = eats them alive/eats their bodies and NOT just eating burnt ashes/sugar#OR it could also be something that like was thought of bc of the horror element of the game +#the zone is a zone that is like Heeyyyy everyone eats everyone here :) so obvs it could just be like a horror hc to go with the theme#or environment of the zone#so like obvs im not gonna like. be upset over ppl liking the hc like to most people it seems just canon to them#but i do not like it....not one bit. he WOULD gaslight and manipulate his workers. absoltuely. but he would NOT eat them alive.#i feel like en/och is too much of like...he has high standards for his foods (chef it up. he can make the fanciest of meals and the nicest#of cakes). so i feel like he'd be like. insulted like ummmmmm no lol that is NOT very presentable. and gross. put their ashes in it and#dress it up and maybe ill eats it then :] yk????#IDK. maybe im just thinking waayyyy too much into this. but i kinda dont care i love this game and i love en/och.#i dont need to fix him hes perfect as he is (manipulative and a cannibal but not like that way. ok?)#cant you let her win for once ?????#ok ok im done for now but for this game? my dear friends. i am ALWAYS open to talking about my thoughts#ow.file
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...
#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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idc if ppl think im problematic i just want it to be for the actual real reasons i am
#like... im kinda aggressive and might attack if provoked... i intentionally exude a threatening presence and personality to#scare ppl away but also bc i will actually try to fuck you up if you fuck with me too much. i also struggle with not knowing#how to handle my cat yelling besides yelling at him which reinforces him but it doesnt matter bc he does it anyways even#if i stubbornly ignore him so idfk what to do i think he just think thats the normal way to talk atp and it driveS ME INSANE BECAUSE#HE IS MOEWS ARE SO LOUD AND SOUND LIKE A FUCKING BABY CRYING WHICH TRIGGERS A PRIMAL PARENTAL THING IN#ME AND HES MANIPULATING THAT TO GET MY ATTENTION FOR SHIT HE DOESNT NEED HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#LIke. im problematic in some ways. no im not as problematic as you might think but like. i still recognize i got a lot of shit to work on#over here yaknow. its shit i think about all the time and keep trying to figure out what i can do about.#which is also why i dont need ppl riding on my ass about shit that i already know better about#i honestly think yall think me being inflammatory online makes me a bad person... idk. and i dont really think im all that controversial#or inflammatory in what i say but anyone being that in any capacity in your opinion makes them Bad for some reason?? idrk.#im trying to figure it out. like you either just have to believe any lie someone tells about me or you just hate how annoying i am to you#on the internet. something you can easily avoid by blocking me.#also the things i say online... dont necessarily directly translate to offline? im not really like this irl... im definitely a lot more#aggressive online than i am off...#offline i try to keep things calm and gentle and i try to be considerate and nice to those around me. ig i dont feel like tumblr#has earned that side of me yet 🤷#i literally have an idyllic ass garden and essentially green house ok. i dont talk about the happenings of my daily life on here#much bc i worry talking about it on here will taint it somehow.#maybe im too superstitious. maybe im worried about being stalked. maybe its a combo of many things but theres certain info#i dont trust with certain types of people and if tumblr was a person i would not trust that person with that info.#the friend to get drunk with not to watch your cats and house while you're out of town. etc.#ill vent about my trauma but i dont want you... in my life... Like That lmao. we just go to the same bar...
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(kinda gets 18+ in tags srry. i never know how/where to talk abt it) and honestly it's never like i can pull up and talk about like, emotional abuse either. or like atmospheric triggers and shit. because talking about any of that is hard. but it's specifically fucking impossible to ever talk about sexual trauma to anybody ever, which is fucked because like... i'm trying and i'm doing good at it, i'm proud of myself, but it's so like. idk. when something dominates your entire life for an incredible critical five years of your life and entirely transforms how you approach anything it's like... i don't actually know how to express any of this at all. and i guess it's sometimes hard for people to get it. i dunno.
#neg#ask to tag#ok ill go to bed after this one its just like#thankfully im in a friend group that like. gets it#but even still ive never verbally clearly acknowledged thats what the anecdotes are about#and i mean its an open secret bc this one thing like. hit the fan. and my friends knew abt it#EVERYONE knew. and i realized only after that that it was like... actually a really bad thing maybe nobody should have known.#it's like that a lot. everyone sees it everyone knows it but it's kinda just me sweeping up the consequences#im very much a public vivisection case study of how like. nightmare sex explorations can go i guess#and maybe that's why i appeal to like anything in media talking about sex ever in a way thats kinda complicated#because like. yeah. i mean i lost any chance of getting to experience anything like that#i don't know. i have a really difficult time with processing this shit#which is crazy because like. idk if i ever said. but i think that was something nearly every alter in my head-#had in common. like not 2 of the 6 others. but the other 4 it was like at least somewhere a theme#which elt crazy. like so much for differentiation. but like. what else is there#i want to scream at ppl that this was my life this is all i fucking understood for ages#that i didnt realize it was bad until i saw what could be good#but you dont say that shit to people and im too fucking scared to say anything to my best friends so like#clearly nobody will know. n i just kinda have to live w that#that i can never have sex. and i can never really understand what goes on with it. that certain terms fly over my head#that i have to like latch on vice grip into fiction for it. because it never makes sense out of my own mouth#seriously if i need to tag this tell me i just dont know what the fuck to say
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okaaaayyy finally watched I saw the tv glow :^)
#liked it a lot on a lot of levels. visuals n soundtrack n acting was great. rly subtle n cohesive n effective#i wanna sit with it a little to digest it and maybe rewatch#but unfortunately i didnt get the same emotional resonance a lot of ppl did from it.. possibly bc i was watching w other ppl#but i dont think its that i think i just struggle to connect meaningfully w things that are like. what if the choices u didnt make#alienated u from the world and ur sense of self n what if the life u were living was a hollow bubble separate from the real world etcetc#bc like yeah man im very aware of how unreal my life n the world around me feels at times. and it isnt bc im holding myself within#tight limitations/constraints in order to hide parts of me from myself or forcing myself to be smth im not in order to engage w society#like im just mentally ill n the dissociation n derealisation are symptoms of that..#i can 100% understand why so many queer ppl feel so strongly abt it n the gender stuff implied in it#but thats just not my experience of queerness personally. its never been smth ive had to grapple with much#like yeah i havent fully figured out my gender shit. but im ok w that its not holding me back from living the life i want to be living#my sense of self is just so far divorced from my physical body and the physical world around me..... idk im too tired to articulate this#but that aside i did rly like it as a movie! and it was very heartbreaking.. just not in a way that struck me super personally#which i was rly hoping it would ahh sorry everyone 😔 but hey maybe thatll come after i think abt it some more#lots of cool effects too i liked the different ways they did the moon face thing. i liked how effective the whole distortion of memory#and nostalgia etc was done visually.. aesthetically very yummy. aw man..#i didnt even cry i was rly hoping it would make me cry...... :-(#makes me feel like im missing out on smth cuz everyone else ive seen talk abt it got hit so hard by it#just made my peace w being on the outside looking in i guess.. i shook out all my regrets and what-couldve-beens as a depressed teen#n now im just here to vibe forever..... 😌 i am toooooo tired to be typing i just keep saying the same thing over an dover probably#maybe a 7 or 8 out of 10 movie for me i think which is still pretty damn worth it#okayyy brushing my teeth and going to bed cuz i wanna go climbing tomorrow so need to rest up ‼️#sorry i dont want to rain on anyones parade genuinely did think it was a great movie im glad others are feeling it so intensely#ahhhh!!!!#.diaries
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why is eighth grade rated r that was the most relatable movie abt being a teen I'd ever seen. like.. teens should be able to watch this
#smudgy.txt#sorry i was just thinking abt this movie again & its like.#lots of ppls teen years are shit & so confusing & everyones always denying everything u say bc ur a teen#& for some reason everyones got it in their head that teens arent worth listening to or even treating as human#& having someone who Gets It is like. invaluable#from what i remember this movie is so awkward & theres so much secondhand embarrassment but#thats literally what being a teen was for me#& i feel like if i had this movie when i was 14 i wouldve been obsessed w it lmao#like just. ignoring who the director is#OR not actually bc while so much of his work is so typical Cishet While Comedian i feel like hes had a lot of valuable shit to say in his#more serious stuff#just his work that explores anxiety & depression meant a lot to me as a teen dealing w that stuff & constantly being told my#problems were nothing & that i should keep them to myself#i don't think hes funny (& i think mainstream standup as a whole is just. eugh.) but ill always value having that feeling of being seen#anyway where was i.#ok i was looking at commonsense media for the movies rating & i read the reviews on the front page#& this is just typical commonsense media bullshit but the parents were writing that this movie isnt for kids (young teens specifically)#bc the teens in the movie talked abt s3x. like.#one of them said that kids dont talk abt s3x. LIKE??????#sorry. my siblings n i used to go on that website for the comedy of White Suburban Parent Panic & im still flabbergasted to this day#anyway the overall consensus seemed to be that the movie was good for kids 14+ bc it was so realistic#& encouraged talkjng w ur kids abt if it feels relatable to them/why & if they could see the mc as a role model for her bravery#so at least whoever put the movie up had some common sense. media. hehe#*oh wait ig its not#main consensus then itd be whoever added it#ANYWAY. break over i gotta continue cleaning
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Toshiro/Shuro is overhated
(mirror of my thread on twitter)
ever wanted to talk abt something so bad but u have so many thoughts so u cant even begin to organize a sentence. thats me abt shuro and its why i cant give my thoughts on him. i NEED to get this out of my system bc its takign up so much memory in my brain i need that space for thinking.
so i was really surprised to find so much hate for him even tho he seems pretty normal and rational out of the whole cast. ive deducted that its mostly abt his laios fight and that the ppl who hate him probably had bad experiences w social cues and relationships w neurotypicals bc of that. theres no way to avoid it bc its pretty much Right In Your Face that laios is ND. but thats not the only factor in why their relationship is rocky. its also the culture barrier. u have to understand toshiro was raised as JAPANESE NOBILITY ofc he would be a little conservative
also culture shock. idk if u know this but jp culture is very Mind Your Own Business like a lot of other asian cultures . ofc hes gonna be weirded out by a stranger invading his space. also his names not even Shuro. its just yt ppl not pronouncing his name right and settling for whats easiest.
img src: fan translation by savaralyn2 , i think its from the adventurers bible Complete Edition bc i dont remember it in the old one
ok you get the gist of the culture aspect of it. lets go into the ND/NT clash aspect of it. yes i understand its pretty hurtful to never be told when youre acting inappropriately. i am autistic too lmao. but you have to understand that shiro is one guy and he even does realize that repressing things is one of his fatal flaws. again. asian culture. non confrontational. that sorta thing. but these are genuine frustrations. if i were him id be annoyed too but id speak out about it. set boundaries. bc im blunt. shiros not. he was taught crazy strict manners (hierarchies, respect, politeness, etc).
his problem isnt ableism its a culmination of culture barriers, how he was raised to behave, and terrible lack of communication as thing caused by "all of the above" plus he just generally keeps to himself a lot which means repressing frustrations that will explode leading to a pathetic fistfight while hes starved, exhausted, and dehydrated. also. if he was ableist he would hate laios. he doesnt hate laios. at the end of the day, they are friends. NT and ND ppl can be friends u know. there will be rifts (like their fight) but you just have to communicate misunderstandings. theyre gonna be fine lol
anyways that was my whole spiel abt it. i think i got everything out that i wanted to? my head still feels a little full so i may add more later when i remember something
also i think its a little unfair to rule out the possibility of laios and him just being 2 very different kinds of ND bc its very common for misunderstandings to occur even then. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT BUT WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER! but for the sake of interpreting the Fight as a commentary on NT social rules and ND frustration, ill say toshiros NT. will we ever know? hes so far in the sidelines... youd really have to dig in the extra content to see the intricacies of his character.... please give him a chance
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maybe pony accidental (or purposeful, pick ur poison) overdose and like what would happen if u havent already
ok now look, i HAVE talked about that before + the gangs reaction to it and u can find em here
SOOOOOO instead ill talk about the consequences of that happening and just other stuff surrounding that
•i think pony od’ing would honestly always b an accident!! this isnt me saying he would never feel suicidal n stuff like that, but going out like that??? not his thing, ponys scared of dying and runs away from his problems so going out that violently feels too real/confrontational to him, yk what i mean??
•ANYWAYS, pony woke up days at most a week after the overdose and was thee most confused person ever, he doesnt even remember it happening, he just sees darry and soda at his bedside looking a mess
•u already knowwwww darry and soda r watching pony like a hawk, they didnt know pony was using the pills to help him sleep so they honest to god thought he was trynna take himself out and pony rlly doesnt wanna talk about it, to them thats just kinda proving that theyre right
•ponys kinda scared of taking pills afterwards, which meannsss sleeping issues worse than before wooooooo yeaaaaaa insomniaaaaaa rahhhhhhh
•darry and soda r so worried about ponys health it kinda slipped their mind that they have a social worker to also deal w, pony feels like shit bc especially w what happened w him running away theyre going to b down their necks more and mayyyy not b so nice about letting pony stay
•truly the only person pony can talk to is two, they both got addiction issues and he understands how it feels for ppl to only see u for ur addiction, he doesnt want pony to feel distanced from everyone is all
•curly doesnt talk to pony for weeks after, not bc he doesnt care, but bc it was just a fear of his that this would happen. next time pony tried talking to curly and curly punched him he wasnt ready at all, lmaaaoooooo
•to defend curly however, he did tell pony to leave him alone, curly rlly did need to b left alone, hes been scared his mom would die over her addiction and pony almost did die from his after curlys tried helping him numerous times, leave my goat alone he gets to b angry
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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more than just a dream - spark, 004
pairing: college!ellie x reader
synopsis: you transfer to a new school where you only know one person; your childhood best friend. he invited you to a beginning of the year party to meet some new people, but one person, in particular, catches your eye... his other best friend.
a/n: dina bonding time!
genre: social media au, fluff
series masterlist -- previous chapter -- next chapter
bria 🧚
hey!
dina 💋
hi whats up? :)
bria 🧚
im bored and everyone else went out but i dont feel like drinking rn..
can i come over?
i know the two of us arent super close but this could be our chance to bond outside the group 🤞🤞
dina 💋
omg ofc!! i was feeling the same i just wanted to chill and stay in today 😭 but ya come over whenever
bria 🧚 ❤️ a message
we can watch mission impossible if ur into that!
only if u bring snacks...
bria 🧚
U HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IVE BEEN WANTING TO SEE THATTTT OK im omw now ill put the best i have in a bag 🙏 cya!!
dina 💋 ❤️ a message
bria 🧚
hey dina, sorry i had to leave right away
i have to study for the first unit test later today
wish i didn't, this is so boring
how are u?
dina 💋
im fine
good
im good im great actually
but i really think we should talk about it
what happened last night
bria 🧚
later, ok?
sorry
i need to go right now stepping into class
dina 💋
oh ok, bye :)
dina woodward
hi y/n im literally going insane r u free to talk
y/n
omfg 😭 whats going on
dina woodward
you'll never believe what happened last night
y/n
ughhh i wish i was there! sorry i wanted to stay in to get some sleep, i have a test next period
dina woodward
oh no worries i actually stayed in too so this isnt ab the outing
do u know who bria volentas is?
y/n
yeah i do!
shes really nice ill sit next to her in history in a few minutes actually
dina woodward
oh 😭😭😭 i wanted to talk to u ab this bc i thought u were the only one in the group that didnt really know her
can u keep a secret? just need to get this off my chest
y/n
u can trust me :)
dina woodward
sooo... ive had a crush on her since the dawn of time
y/n !! a message
and we hung out last night alone!!
y/n
!!AWEEE yall will be so cute together i can see it now
dina woodward ❤️ a message
also im so glad u said that bc i wasnt ab to be the one to com eout first 😭😭
dina woodward !! a message
dina woodward
YOUW AHT?!?!?!?!?!?
i didnt wanna assume but i secretly knew.........
y/n haha a message
y/n
🤝🤝🤝
OKOK GET ON W UR STORY
dina woodward
we were watching mission impossible bc ellie ditched me (i wont forget) and she goes 'im cold' so bc shes the actual loml i let her under my blanket
y/n
awwww
dina woodward
then our feet kinda touched then our hands kinda touched and we were getting rlly close... then we fucked
y/n
AHH????
that went from 0 to 100 sO FAST
dina woodward
I KNOW LIKE IMS TILL SO IN SHOCK RN
y/n
SO YGS ARENT TOGETHER YET THO?? HAVE U TALKED AB IT ALL??? FYB? ONE TIME THING?
dina woodward
IDKK I HAVE NO IDEA
this is the average wlw experience i say while dry heaving and crawling onto the roof and howling
y/n ❤️ a message
y/n
LMFAOOO it literally is tho we have it so difficult
dina woodward
HELPPP ME AND BRIA ARE IN CHAT RN BUT WE'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING
SPEAK UP WOMANNN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
i said i wanted to talk ab last night and she was so avoidant so she BETTER say something rn
y/n
yall rn
lurking in chat.....
dina woodward
😭😭😭
i need to be distracted rn
eye starts twitching
tell me smth thats going on w u
y/n
ok u trusted me w ur crush so i can trust u w mine right..
dina woodward
ofc ofc
y/n
so u know her actually like really well from what i know
BLEEEH I HATE TELLING PPL I LIKE THEIR FRIENDS
is ellie williams gay..
dina woodward
take a look at her what do u think
yes she is gay! AND U LEIWFAGJEDFANJ YOU LIKE HER??
y/n ❤️ a message
y/n
angels harmonize and descend from heaven
BLESSS 🙏🙏
yes i like her... i think. its been hard to like anyone since my last relationship but im feeling rlly hopeful about us
im heavily delusional tho she was prob just being friendly when we hung out
dina woodward
she recently broke up w her ex too, and shes been kinda staying away from relationships :(
ur amazing tho youd be so good for her
if she acts like a bitch to u ONCE run
y/n
damn jesse warned me ab her too 😭 what happened with her and her ex? if u know or if ur ok with telling me
i know its not really my business
i just wanna know what lines i cant cross
dina woodward ❤️ a message
dina woodward
yeah i totally get it
i actually dont know all the details
i think she only told jesse bc theyre way closer than me and her
if u want to know everything, id ask him or get it from ellie herself
just get closer with her and she'll tell u everything, and u can decide what to do from there
y/n
ok , thats a good idea
ill just use my amazing charm and incredible beauty to captivate her in chemistry
dina woodward ❤️ a message
dina woodward
HEHEHEHE
speaking of,, she sucks at chemistry. u could get closer to her by tutoring her if youd be up for that?? shed appreciate it sooo much
y/n
#1 wingman award is presented toooooo dina woodward!
dina woodward ❤️ a message
ill def talk to her ab that ill be like heyyy u need help 💋
shit gtg now, test time!
dina woodward
good luck!! with the test and ellie🙏
y/n ❤️ a message
a/n: a lot longer than the last chapter!! but i had a lot to say in this one :D love in the future for my girl dina!!! love to see it
hope u enjoyed as always (✿◠‿◠)
taglist: @ximtiredx @gold-dustwomxn @elliesinterlude @fireflyels @trulygnomed @deluluwh-0-re @toesorhoes @elliewilliamsmissingfingerss @emluvselandabs @ariianelle @jokerpokimoon @lonelyfooryouonly @lil-elliesgf @yuaaa05 @ourautumn86
#ellie williams#tlou game#ellie williams x reader#the last of us#tlou 2#wlw#ellie williams fluff#tlou part 2#jesse tlou#dina woodward#the last of us fanfiction#tlou smau#lesbian
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