#im very much a public vivisection case study of how like. nightmare sex explorations can go i guess | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

elytrafemme · 6 months ago

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(kinda gets 18+ in tags srry. i never know how/where to talk abt it) and honestly it's never like i can pull up and talk about like, emotional abuse either. or like atmospheric triggers and shit. because talking about any of that is hard. but it's specifically fucking impossible to ever talk about sexual trauma to anybody ever, which is fucked because like... i'm trying and i'm doing good at it, i'm proud of myself, but it's so like. idk. when something dominates your entire life for an incredible critical five years of your life and entirely transforms how you approach anything it's like... i don't actually know how to express any of this at all. and i guess it's sometimes hard for people to get it. i dunno.

#neg #ask to tag #ok ill go to bed after this one its just like #thankfully im in a friend group that like. gets it #but even still ive never verbally clearly acknowledged thats what the anecdotes are about #and i mean its an open secret bc this one thing like. hit the fan. and my friends knew abt it #EVERYONE knew. and i realized only after that that it was like... actually a really bad thing maybe nobody should have known.#it's like that a lot. everyone sees it everyone knows it but it's kinda just me sweeping up the consequences #im very much a public vivisection case study of how like. nightmare sex explorations can go i guess #and maybe that's why i appeal to like anything in media talking about sex ever in a way thats kinda complicated #because like. yeah. i mean i lost any chance of getting to experience anything like that #i don't know. i have a really difficult time with processing this shit #which is crazy because like. idk if i ever said. but i think that was something nearly every alter in my head-#had in common. like not 2 of the 6 others. but the other 4 it was like at least somewhere a theme #which elt crazy. like so much for differentiation. but like. what else is there #i want to scream at ppl that this was my life this is all i fucking understood for ages #that i didnt realize it was bad until i saw what could be good #but you dont say that shit to people and im too fucking scared to say anything to my best friends so like #clearly nobody will know. n i just kinda have to live w that #that i can never have sex. and i can never really understand what goes on with it. that certain terms fly over my head #that i have to like latch on vice grip into fiction for it. because it never makes sense out of my own mouth #seriously if i need to tag this tell me i just dont know what the fuck to say

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