#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[snekverse]

I'm in a mood I desperately need to talk about my interpretation of myst s6/how how I plan to tackle it in my lil rewrite bc it makes NO fuckin sense to me lol

N e ways first and foremost that relic nonsense: I actually don't mind it conceptually, I think it works within the (limited) context and world building set up for us. My issue comes from the aftermath, specifically regarding those who were turned into relics. Literally wtf yknow. N e ways in my head the way it works is that being Relic'd involves essentially just boiling you down to your most prominent, most powerful attributes. For Mr. Ultima over here his strongest attribute should be obvious, hence him being blinded after being unreliced. Similar for lucinda losing her ability to use magic. Zane I think is a little more complicated being a normal dude for the most part but I think his intelligence would have been highlighted, which was likely heightened during the forever potion experimentation. I like the idea of him having brain/memory problems afterwards, but again I fucking hate how it was executed. I want to make it worse lol. I'm thinkin either broader gaps in memory or jumbled memories where maybe a bunch of em kinda just get mixed together or have random shit added so there's no way to know for sure which parts are real and which parts aren't. I've also been toying with the ideas of short term memory and maybe minor loss of motor function?? Idk I don't wanna fuck him up too bad lol but canon is SUCH bs I can't get over it I gotta do something.

[thebuckblogimo]

What do people do who don't have people who care?

March 4, 2024

There's an elderly woman with severe dementia who lives at the end of our street. One of the neighbors on the block recruited volunteers to cook dinner for the woman each night and deliver it to her because she can no longer cook for herself.

The elderly woman's two sons rarely come around. What if the neighbors didn't care?

Then there's my old buddy who is confined to his home due to an injury suffered in a car accident. He does not have the ability to perform certain executive functions. His brother pays his bills, does his banking, and shops for his groceries.

Now, however, the brother has health issues of his own. My friend has no other living relatives that I am aware of.

What will happen if no one is left to care?

Over the years I have known a couple people who outlived their friends or family, fell at home, were incompacitated due to a resultant injury, and weren't discovered for 24 hours.

I also have friends who have lost their spouses and who have few living relatives, making it difficult to face life alone. One of them is struggling, emotionally. Another depends on his late wife's niece should he need, say, a ride home after a stay in the hospital.

But what is an emotionally distrought, sick or injured person to do when he or she has no one? With whom do you share Thanksgiving dinner?

I also have a couple friends who reside in assisted living facilities, nice places that deliver great care that they have the means to pay for. But what if you can't afford to live in a nice, clean, comfortable place, with competent people to look out for you when you can't adequately care for yourself?

Or what if you come from a totally dysfunctional family, or your closest family members live in distant parts of the country?

There are no easy answers to these questions.

Thankfully, I have two brothers and two sisters who I know care about Debbie and me. Debbie has a brother and a sister who, along with their spouses, care about us, too. Moreover, we have four children who care. And we have many nieces and nephews with whom we are very close. We feel fortunate that we have people we can turn to in times of need, such as when our Clarkston home caught fire.

We would do the same for them.

All these thoughts came rushing to my head while staying with one of our sons as he completes a program to improve his mental health. Sometimes he feels broken, but at least he knows he can turn to us and other family members when he is suffering. From time to time he tells us how thankful he is that we are there to support him.

Which brings me to this point: Care givers need care, too.

We are in constant touch with neighbors whose son also suffers from depression. We share our knowledge and experiences with them. They do the same in return. The four of us feel as though we're in this thing together.

I also receive phone calls from an old friend who checks in to see how our son is doing. Sometimes I call him to see how his son, who has multiple sclerosis and uses a wheelchair, is doing. We have shared personal stuff with each other for as long as I can recall.

But what do you do if you have no one to sympathize and empathize with you?

Sometimes I take a roundabout way to get home from the pizzeria or grocery store on the other side of Grand Haven. One of my alternate routes takes me down a street of older homes, many in need of "fixing up." On more than one occasion I have noticed an older man--hunched over, with bowed legs and a cane--emerging from one of the homes with a canvas bag in hand, apparently setting out on a walk to the grocery store--or, God forbid, the gas station--for whatever foodstuffs sustain him.

I have no idea whether he lives alone or whether he has any friends or relatives who care about his well being. I just know I can see how difficult is for him to descend the steps of his porch to the sidewalk to go wherever it is he goes.

Struggle. That's what people do who have no one who cares.

[chateautae]

maybe i do | kth. V

➵ summary :  maybe you love each other, maybe you don’t. when a deal between your fathers leaves you forcefully wedding kim taehyung, arguably seoul’s most powerful CEO, you’re prepared for a loveless marriage of eternal regret and unhappiness. but maybe, it doesn’t turn out that way after all.

↳  part of the high-class series!

➵ pairing : taehyung x reader

➵ genre :  arranged marriage!au, ceo!tae,  s2l!au, eventual smut, fluff, angst

➵ rating : 18+

➵ word count : 17k

➵ warnings : swearing, A N G S T, descriptions of stress, insinuations of cheating, heavy making out, sexual content (finally LMAO), marking, breast play, fingering, lots of dirty talk, teasing, mentions of tae’s massive c0ck cause wbk, oral (f. receiving), praising, light name kink, some cute domesticity i honestly cried writing

➵ a/n: thank you to my beta-reader @hantaev, my precious english student who really helped with my mistakes 🥺 i apologize in advance for the rollercoaster ride that is this chapter, but i hope you’re still enjoying these two idiots navigating their feelings 🥰, as always, feedback is appreciated my loves!

chapter five : “would it be alright, if i pulled you closer?”

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Taehyung ♡ : Y/N

Taehyung ♡ : Y/N

Taehyung ♡ : Y/N answer me 

Taehyung ♡ : jagiya

Taehyung ♡ : baby

Taehyung ♡ : princess, answer me 

Taehyung ♡ : if you don’t answer me right now i’ll call you my princess 

You : Taehyung what the FUCK

You : you just dropped me off at work, what do you want??

Taehyung ♡ : how hard was it this morning to cover up my hickeys ;)

You : ... Mr. Kim, i advise you start driving before i come back out and kick you

Taehyung ♡ : why is my princess so violent?? jheez

You : TAE-this can’t be the only reason you texted, what do you acc want

Taehyung ♡ : just seeing if you remember lunch today

You : why are you so annoying? of course I remember -_-

Taehyung ♡ : just checking

Taehyung ♡ : i also wanted to say good work with the going on dates idea, media’s covered everything and we look really convincing :)

You : well isn’t that lovely 

Taehyung ♡ : okay i’m driving now, bye

You : TAEHYUNG WHAT THE HELL

Taehyung could only stifle an evil snicker as he turned his phone screen off, amused more than he should’ve been. He kicked his car into ignition, speeding off to endure another day at work until you’d arrive at noon, gracing the taxing place with your pretty face.  

And it put him in a good mood, fuck, a great mood. It was funny actually, Taehyung’s older secretary in her wise 50′s had pointed out slight changes in him seemingly because of his ‘Mrs. Kim.’ 

He was strangely more approachable, and his eyes didn’t always set into the hard stare he usually assumed. Instead of only flashing a tight-lipped smile to whomever he passed, Taehyung’s smile was slowly beginning to crease his eyes, and the hushed whispers of workers at his company claimed he was more forgiving these days. 

Taehyung attempted to deny it all, though his good-natured secretary Mrs. Lee would never let him hear the end of it.

“It’s that wife of yours, isn’t it Mr. Kim?” His secretary smiled sheepishly as she stood before his desk, eyeing him knowingly. 

“Mrs. Lee, I am not different at all, I’m just.. in a good mood these days.” 

“And it’s because of your lovely wife, isn’t it?” 

Taehyung teetered on rejecting her once again, though ended up realizing she was essentially right. He didn’t want to outwardly admit it, but spending time with you has oddly been loosening him up, and he didn’t feel so listless these days. 

His expression simmered into a small smile. “I think you’ve got a schedule to read out, right, Mrs. Lee?” His eyes playfully scrutinized her, and Mrs. Lee could only chuckle along with him as she turned her attention to her notes. 

“You have a meeting at 10 for the progression on your deal with Steeles’ Ltd. The Busan headquarters will also be sending their month-end report regarding construction on the newest building. The distribution team should be getting the status of your latest chips sent to Japan today. The paper work will be prepared thereafter, and your afternoon has been booked for meetings with Mr. Yang and Mr. Jeong.”

“Alright, thank you, Mrs. Lee.” 

His secretary vacated his office and Taehyung blew a raspberry, reclining back in his chair as he contemplated his busy day. He decided to get a crack on the current paperwork crowding his desk, believing his day was going to be just like any other, flooded with work he’d be able to push through. 

However, as Taehyung’s day gradually progressed, it did not go as planned.  

“Mrs. Lee, why was I delivered coffee?” Taehyung inquired through the extension of his phone, her desk on the other end. 

“What? But you drink tea, Mr. Kim.” 

“Exactly, so why is there a cup of coffee sitting on my desk?” 

“Ah, I’m so sorry Mr. Kim, it may have been an accident of one of the secretaries in-training.” 

Taehyung could only take a heavy sigh. The wretched liquid has always tasted like poison to him, and he’d always made his preference of tea very explicitly clear, so he couldn’t understand how someone made such an error, especially a preferential one. 

Nonetheless, he chose to forgive it and had the coffee returned, instead moving on to prepare for his upcoming meeting at 10. 

Though unfortunately, it proved to be another tick in his good day. 

“Han Co. offered a better deal?”

“Yes, sir. And I believe we’re looking at quite an exorbitant deal. Steeles’ Ltd. is currently predicted to accept theirs over ours. We’re in dire need of hiking up the price.” 

Taehyung pinched the bridge of his nose, puffing out frustrated air as he rested in his seat overlooking the grand meeting hall of executives. 

“Alright, we’ll draft something new.” Taehyung concluded sharply before adjourning the meeting, loosening his suit out of feeling like he was being constricted. He couldn’t help but become pissed at the mention of Han Co., returning to his office vexed. 

Fucking Hisung, jackass just had to one-up me. 

Taehyung had initiated his remedy for the deal, working on conjuring a new one alongside some of his team members. It’d been advancing smoothly until his reports from the Busan headquarters reached him, another hiccup he didn’t expect. 

“7 months? The construction is delayed by 7 months?!” 

“We believe so, Mr. Kim. Unfortunately the weather has been volatile, and significant property damage has been sustained.” 

Now Taehyung was utterly irritated, why did it seem like everything was against him today? He almost let out his anger on the man on the other end until he breathed, suddenly remembering the simple technique you’d once encouraged him to use. 

He decided to internalize his frustration since it wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, and was gladly already hitting the 11:30 mark of his day.

The thought of you peculiarly popped into his head. 

You’ll have lunch with him, he told himself. You’ll arrive at noon and everything will be okay. 

Taehyung acquiesced and simmered down. “Okay.. let’s monitor the weather and move accordingly.” 

Cutting the call, he believed he could catch a brief interval to relax before he saw you. You’d already seen him angry once, and Taehyung despised how easily he divulged such a vulnerable part of himself to you, not to mention it may have scared you. 

The last thing he wanted was his wife seeing him in a stressful state, the emotion regarded as a weak point Taehyung didn’t want others to see, because he’s seemingly never stressed to anyone. He’s a competent, powerful CEO that can’t be hindered by such a thing, and knows how to handle it on his own. 

He stuck to those exact principles as the minutes ticked by, ultimately cooling down until Taehyung received another phone call that would ravage his mood.

“You’re telling me all 800,000 chips sustained an error from the manufacturers? Tell me this is a joke.” 

“I’m afraid not, Mr. Kim. They’ve informed us after a test run they weren’t functioning as they should have. Trouble-shooting indicated it was an issue with the chips’ hardware, nothing internal.” 

“Who in God’s name.. allowed 800,000 faulty chips to be cleared for Japan?! Where are the final evaluation reports for this batch? What the hell went wrong?” 

“We’re um.. working on it, sir. The department’s been in shambles since the news.” 

“No fucking kidding. We’ll have to launch an entire investigation on the manufacturing unit that produced them!”

“We are deeply sorry, Mr. Kim. We will do better next time. We’ll have them send the batch back for further investigation.” 

“Good, I need something going right around here.” And Taehyung cut the call without a second to spare. He had clearly jinxed this day, because quite literally everything had gone terribly wrong. 

He would have to spend days cleaning up these tedious messes, pushing his other tasks back drastically and dedicating mammoths of his time towards work now.

Taehyung plopped down onto his office chair dispiritedly, leaning over to hold his head in his hands against his desk. A headache was starting to pound in the back of his mind, he felt utterly drained of what he was now drowning in and an incessant ache he oddly developed in his shoulder today has refused to leave him alone. 

He’d taken every frustrating phone call he could’ve, scolded and yelled at whoever he needed to. Decisions were piling up, he was expected to make smart moves quickly and the paperwork involved was already as large as a tidal wave, sending him into a spiraling mess of stress. 

And just when Taehyung believed he’d receive some sort of reprieve when he finally saw you, his sanity was further tested by the visit of someone he never saw coming. 

Someone that wasn’t you. 

“Mr. Kim, You’d better be alert, Ms. Aera made an unexpected visit and she’s-” Mrs. Lee’s voice through the phone was interrupted with the loud opening of his door.

Right then and there, the woman came busting into his office, completely unbothered and unaware of how arbitrary her actions were. 

Taehyung’s eyes widened in disbelief, scolding her upon entry. “Aera, what are you doing here?” 

“Taehyungie! It’s been so long.” The woman cheered, face lighting up at the sight of Taehyung while he did the exact opposite, distraught behind his desk. 

“What do you want?” His eyebrows knitted disapprovingly. 

“Taehyungie, look-” 

“Don’t call me that.” Taehyung grimaced as he held a hand up to stop her. “I never authorized your visit, leave my office.” 

“But I just have something to say, please?” She acted innocent to win him over. 

“I’m not interested.”

“Please? It’s nothing bad, Taehyung.” The woman whined, loosely clutching a Michael Kors purse in her hand as she purposefully pouted. 

Taehyung could only sigh heavily thinking about this, massaging his tired eyes. He’d surely want this woman escorted out because he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with her, though it would only cause a scene knowing she’s the persistent, screaming and kicking type. He figured for an easier outcome, he could simply allow her to say her piece and she’d leave him alone

And the quicker he let her, the faster he could get rid of her.

He ran a hand through his hair as he leaned back in his chair, expression fed up as he addressed her blankly. “Make what you’re saying quick, I’ll only let you talk for that sole purpose.” 

The woman’s face couldn’t have been happier, excited with a hint of shyness as she spoke to him. Taehyung hadn’t been looking at her at all, and could only become appalled when he heard her question. 

“I was just wondering, could we spend another night together, Taehyung? Just one last time?”

His eyebrows quirked in disbelief, replying curtly. “I’m married. I’m not affiliated with you anymore.” 

“Married? Oh c’mon, Taehyung. You expect me to believe you’re now suddenly faithful to her when we were still sleeping together before your engagement? That makes no sense.” She argued venomously, eyebrows of her own incredulous. 

“She’s my wife, the answer is no.” Taehyung tried to keep his rage at bay, subduing the blood boiling under his skin after a tiresome day. 

The woman had the audacity to scoff. “She’s just some less-than heiress that has you seduced, Taehyung. Does she really mean that much to you?” 

Taehyung’s indignation now sky-rocketed, expression piercing.  “Talk about my wife like that again and you’re being dragged out of my office.” 

“And you didn’t answer my question, so it seems my offer still stands.” The woman’s face twisted into something proud, something that was tugging at every last nerve Taehyung had left for today and he wasn’t having it. 

“Get out of my office.”

“But Tae-”

“I said get out. I’m expecting someone for lunch. “

“Awh, is it your wife? Can I meet her? Or have you not told her about all your little escapades before her?” The woman pulled at his leg, pettiness evident in her tone and it was cutting at Taehyung’s last strand of sanity. 

His jaw could only lock with controlled rage as he spoke through gritted teeth. “Don’t ever go near my wife, and leave while I’m being nice.” 

The woman didn’t budge, only instead spoke nostalgically as she sauntered over to Taehyung. 

“But wasn’t I once your priority? The one you took to bed? The one you called when you were stressed? You seem stressed right now, baby, let me blow off some steam for you.” The woman’s manicured hands found purchase on Taehyung’s arms, just beginning to slide up teasingly. 

Taehyung was seconds from deflecting her cold touch, utter rejection written on him until his office door suddenly clicked open. 

“He’s taking quite long, don’t you think, Mrs. Lee?” You perked up from your seat outside Taehyung’s office, waiting for him to allow you inside. It was your first time visiting him, and you remained antsy fixing yourself to fit into the high-end look of his company. 

You were also buzzing because you’d received the best news ever concerning a gracious deal at work, and you were eager to spill every happy little detail to  Taehyung. 

“I’m not so sure, Mrs. Kim. He’s had quite the day, he should.. be welcoming you soon.” Mrs. Lee speculated with a slight stutter, confusing you until you sighed, thinking you’ve waited long enough.  

He was cutting into your lunch time already, and if he was too busy to attend he would’ve informed you with a simple text, just like he had about the success of your date. 

You hated to admit this, but that text minutely bothered you while reading it, automatically correlating anything Taehyung did last night with a show meant for the cameras. It was like a slap to the face considering nothing he did was genuine, though then again, that’s always been the point, everything’s supposed to be for public image, right?

Then why did it hurt when he sent that text?

You discarded the thought thinking you’ve been delayed enough, propping off your chair to turn the handle of his large office doors, Taehyung’s secretary suddenly exclaiming almost frantically.

“Oh no, Mrs. Kim, we-we need Mr. Kim to confirm whether he’s ready to accept a visitor or not.”

You waved her off with a small chuckle. “Oh please, I’m his wife, Mrs. Lee. I’m his most important visitor.” You remarked light-heartedly, scrunching your nose at her as you turned the handle. 

Your face was painted with a smile to greet Taehyung, setting foot inside his office only to be met by the last scene you’d thought you’d see. 

You caught sight of a quite provocatively, though expensively dressed woman with her ring-slated hands on your husband, her action only distracted by your entrance and lips curved into a scheming smile that made your stomach churn. 

Taehyung’s eyes widened in extreme shock, quickly ridding himself of the woman’s touch as he addressed you alarmed. “Y/N-”

“I was thinking you were caught up with something.” Your empty voice cut him off, expression beyond blank. An invisible knife was oddly twisting into your heart and it felt suffocating, clutching onto the strap of your side bag, trying to conceal the thickness of your voice as you looked on. “And I guess you are.. I’ll leave.”

“Y/N, wait, don’t go.” Taehyung called out urgently, desperation in his tone. 

“I think I really should.” 

“Jagiya, please stay. She was just leaving, I have no business with her.” Taehyung’s voice was more firm, trying to persuade you but you weren’t buying it, especially with him daring to call you a pet name right now. 

You nearly clutched the door more ajar until you suddenly heard the unknown woman’s voice perk up, clearly amused by the shit show she created.

“Jagiya? Oh, so you’re the wife? Aren’t you just the prettiest little thing?” She beamed, but you could only remain frozen in your spot angered, knowing exactly the type she was. 

“Aera, leave my office-”

“You call her Jagiya, isn’t that just adorable? I wonder how many times it took sleeping with you to gain that privilege-”

“Leave.” Taehyung’s voice resonated angrily in his office, his frightening stare flaring, though the woman only went on. 

“Ouu, there’s that temper I love oh so much.” The woman feigned adoration with a hand over her heart, then glancing towards you as she spoke. 

“He’s hot when he’s mad, isn’t he? Though I guess a whore like you would probably know.”

“Aera-”

“Or maybe you really are some runaway heiress he picked up off the streets and would never take to bed. Let me tell you, sweetie, there’s nothing like when he gets dominant and fucks you in all the right places-”

The sound of Taehyung rapidly rising from his seat and desk clattering filled the room, his voice irate with a locked jaw. “Leave, and I will not fucking ask you again.” 

Taehyung’s deep voice held an unwavering sense of authority as his eyes filled with rage, instantly making the woman standoff. It nearly rattled you if you weren’t battling a wave of hurt in your chest right now. 

The woman could only flash a condescending smile, addressing you both. “I’ll leave you two at it then, yeah?” 

She then made her way towards you near the door, eyeing your figure scornfully with every step until she eventually sent you a wink passing by. Her shoulder bumped yours, in a purposeful manner that left you clutching your fists at your sides once she slipped out the door. 

You can’t clock a bitch at your own husband’s company, Y/N, you can’t.  

There was a thick silence that loomed over the office, you trying to compose yourself as Taehyung used every ounce of his strength to ignore what he just saw, attempting to simmer down. 

He suddenly broke the silence, clearing his throat as he refused to meet your eyes. “We should get going, I have reservations-“

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Taehyung flashed his confused eyes to you, expression insulted. “Excuse me?”

“Who the fuck was that?” Your voice was flaring, nearly shouting.

“I’m not in the mood to talk about her.” Taehyung dismissed, reaching to grasp his coat. “Like I said, we should get going.”

“I am not going anywhere with you.”

“Pardon?”

“You think after seeing a woman on you we’re going to just go on our fucking lunch date? Why don’t you bring her along and have her blow you under the table for fuck’s sake?” You questioned with sheer vexation.

“Look, I’ve had a fucking long day, and I am not getting into this. I would like to at least have my marriage be the last of my worries right now.” Taehyung’s voice was entirely snippy and full of attitude, pissing you off by tenfold. 

“Maybe you should’ve fucking thought about that before you decided to have a woman on you, you asshole. You wanna talk about reputation and our public image but you’re seeking the touch of other women?” 

“Excuse me?” Taehyung’s voice grew indignant, scolding you from across the room. “I didn’t do anything with her, she barged into my office unannounced. Don’t make this something it’s not.”

“What it is, is someone needlessly insulting me because of you. Are you not the same man who promised me I had you? Or was that for show too like our fucking date yesterday?” You found that same hurt leaking into your words, tone vastly irritated. 

Taehyung winced hearing you, half at the insult that was thrown your way but that you somehow believed such a sincere promise of his was disingenuous. 

I meant that, he thought. That wasn’t for show. 

“Look, I’m sorry she said that. You didn’t deserve that at all, okay? I’ll have a restraining order filed, and you’ll be safe.” Taehyung offered, though you grew even more irate. 

“Fuck a restraining order, Taehyung, explain yourself!” You shouted. “Why am I having women tell me I’m just another bitch you slept with multiple times until you eventually put a ring on my finger? Or that I’m some pitiful heiress that has you seduced?”

“Is that what those women said to you at the gala?” Taehyung questioned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it was irrelevant until this! Tell me right now, what the fuck is your past with women? You said nothing was ever serious and yet I have a woman calling me a whore because of you?” You just about spat, hands gesturing profusely to express your anger. 

“It’s not complicated. I’ve spent time with some women, and some of them like to come back.”

“Ah, I got it now. So I’m one of your escapades you liked enough to marry, right? Makes perfect fucking sense, why don’t I start parading around how you fuck in the bedroom too and rub it in everyone’s faces? Would totally make us convincing as a married couple.” You sarcastically chirped, causing Taehyung to sigh out frustrated from behind his desk. 

“Y/N, you know that’s not true. Like I said, let’s not dwell on this, the last thing I need today is my marriage going wrong too.” Taehyung was losing his energy for an argument, searching instead for a way to resolve this, though you seemed eons away from the notion. 

“Well maybe it fucking should, I’m just charity to you anyways, aren’t I?”

Taehyung’s eyebrows knitted in irritation, completely shocked by your audacity. “What did you just say?”

“It’s alright, Taehyung, I get it. Our deal never said anything against seeing other people, and I may not be cutting it for you, right? I’m just the runaway heiress you were forced to choose, so obviously you wouldn’t put me to bed and seek other women instead.” You suggested sardonically, though it only hiked up Taehyung’s temper by tenfold. 

“What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you dare accuse me of shit like that after I told you nothing happened.” 

“Oh, but I think I should, and especially after what I just saw. We haven’t even fucked yet, right? So go ahead, talk your talk about reputation and our couple image but fuck other women. So long as you keep it quiet, right?” Venom was laced in your every word, and you didn’t even know why these words were coming out of your mouth anymore, but they seemed befitting of your storming emotions, your racing heart. 

“Y/N, like I said, do not make this something it isn’t because I am not having it today. I’m putting my jacket on and we’re going to lunch, end of discussion.” Taehyung was now on his last nerve, containing his anger as he rebuked you. 

He neared his jacket once again until you spat another comeback. “I think you should go alone, sailor, or maybe chase after your little conquest again. She’ll probably be much better company, maybe give you a nice hand job so you can cool the fuck down.”

“You need to cool the fuck down,” Taehyung stressed. “I’ve already had enough of everything today, don’t make me add you to that list.”

You were quick to quip back. “Oh don’t worry, I’m just your charity wife who can’t satisfy your needs anyway, so maybe I should be on that list.”

“For fuck’s sake you’re not a charity-!“

“Fuck you, Kim Taehyung.” You swore, folded arms coiling tighter as you grew more frustrated, utterly done with seeing his face. “I can’t believe I was going to tell you something important too.”

Taehyung became confused, gauging your confession. 

You laughed humourlessly to yourself, watery eyes glistening under the lights of his office. “I was going to tell you I finally landed a deal where I’d get one of my buildings in the Seoul skyline, tell you it’s been my dream ever since my father first did it.” You bit back your turbulent emotions, eyes tearing up. “I was going to tell you everything, tell you how happy it made me..” 

“Y/N..” 

“Don’t ever speak to me again, you asshole.” Your voice broke in the slightest, the words you threw at each other paired with the situation now catching up to you. A tear nearly slipped down your cheek as you made for the door, turning away around until Taehyung protested, voice oddly soft. 

“Y/N, wait.”

“I’m not waiting for anything.”

“Just fucking wait! We can’t make it seem like we had a fight, okay? Jagi-Y/N, just stay and listen to me.“ Taehyung corrected, holding his hands out to halt your movements, though you didn’t care. 

“Oh fucking please! I don’t want to hear anything. You want our marriage to look real, then maybe a little fight or two between husband and wife should look convincing enough, don’t you think?” You shouted through tears brimming your distraught eyes, standing just before his door.

“Y/N, please,” Taehyung begged, too completely drained and concerned for you to be angry now, rather desperate. “I just, I can’t have this today. Not you too.”

You could only scoff disdainfully. “But I’m just another woman you either screwed multiple times into marriage, or a pathetic runaway that does nothing for you.” You breathed shakily. “So what’s the difference if it’s me?”

There was an incredibly miserable silence that haunted you both, in each other’s presence though unable to see each other, understand each other. Taehyung could only stand in silence, wanting to reach out to you without a way how, and only left to hear your last words as you grasped the handle. 

“There’s no lunch today, Taehyung, goodbye.”

And you left his office with a hard slam of his door. 

You’d spent the entire day agonizing, trying to quell the pain you felt in your heart without any reason of understanding why it hurt so much. 

It’s what made you emotionally unavailable for the remainder of your day, eventually trudging back home after work had concluded. 

You climbed the stairs straight to your unfortunately shared bedroom, head consistently swarming with your fight as you brushed Mrs. Seo off about food. 

This was the first time you two have genuinely fought, every other time having been a simple joke or quarrel, and it was bothering you so profusely you couldn’t think of anything else. 

To think you could both argue so severely, it made you question what the remedy even looked like, how you would even reach some sort of resolution. At first, it always seemed as though Taehyung and yourself were more similar than you thought, could oddly comprehend each other on levels uncharted by other people, and against all, atypical odds, you two actually complemented each other well. 

But now? It left your future even more unknown to you. 

It made you realize sometimes Taehyung and yourself just can’t see eye-to-eye, that sometimes your similar personalities can clash, your different values can collide, and it simply left you frightened of what this spelled for you two. 

Is this what spending a lifetime with Taehyung would look like? Would you two always argue this terribly over pressing matters? Would you two always be so bull-headed and not understand the other’s point of view? Throw such awful words at each other that hurt the other? 

The incessant thoughts made you plop onto your covers deflated, sighing at the ceiling above, unable to understand why tears constantly threatened to spill from your eyes, and eventually did so.  

You shouldn’t even be angry in the first place, Taehyung has every right in the world to seek the comfort and touch of other women, it’s not like your marriage was real anyway, and it was true you haven’t been delivering in the category of satisfying a man’s needs. Even if you boldly made out with him just yesterday, who’s to say that’s enough for him? 

Who’s to say you’re enough for him? 

What also seeped into the crevices of your storming mind was the thought that he preached this God-like, impenetrable idea of reputation and public image, yet could so easily put it on the line by having a woman in his office. Even if he claimed to have been doing nothing, what would people say if word got out a woman visited his office, even worse a woman he used to fuck, and then attended lunch with his wife like normal? 

It could’ve been detrimental to his name. 

That aside, it fucking pissed you off to see another woman near seconds from getting on her knees for your husband. 

And it pissed you off even more you were always being referred to as some whore that finally snatched Taehyung up, because it was completely unfair, so utterly untrue and left you bitter to the touch thinking if only they knew. 

If only they knew how hard you battled the universe on your wedding day, how hard it was to throw your life away and work towards building your own name, only to have it all come crashing down because of this marriage. 

To still be hearing the insults as a runaway-heiress, that you were some poor soul Taehyung pitied and took under his wing but won’t fuck, so he gets into other women’s beds for satisfaction. 

If only they knew how undeserving you already felt, how this marriage and your lifestyle has you drained from nearly every aspect of your life. Having your mother tell you you’re lucky Taehyung even put a ring around your worthless finger, that your marriage now keeps your brother Yoongi you miss so terribly even further away from Korea the more you don’t participate in your father’s company. That you’re nothing but an ungrateful stubborn brat to your father outside of this matrimony, and an even bigger one with Taehyung. 

If only they fucking knew, how hard this all was. How marrying a Kim means your farce needs to be perfect all the time, that you’ll be judged, ridiculed and belittled for your every move. That your husband is only nice to you because he needs to be, because he was forced to choose you. 

It was all too much, just so fucking much you needed a moment to simply cry. To relieve the stress, the insults, the constant feeling of unworthiness that overwhelmed your emotions. 

So you cried, cried until you became devoid of emotion and eventually drifted off into a slumber, your raging thoughts disappearing along with your consciousness. 

“Sir, you’d like to be driven home today?” His chauffer asked from behind the wheel as Taehyung climbed into the back of his Merc, cold air shut out once he closed the door. 

“Yes, I’m not in the right mind to drive.” Taehyung finalized as he clicked on his seatbelt, signaling to the driver he wasn’t in the mood to talk, and so he ignited the engine instead of pressing further. 

Taehyung sighed out once the car began moving, watching the world pass him by emptily as he folded his arms, defeated. Taehyung’s entire figure was downcast, mind floating around aimlessly as he constantly recalled the argument throughout the day. 

He knew he shouldn’t have gotten so pissed and raised his voice, it was only because he’d had a terrible day, and you just caught him at the wrong time.

Your accusations did sincerely hurt him, though, because he was insulted you could think so lowly of him, that if only you knew how adamantly he rejected the woman before you came in. 

If only you knew how utterly wrong everything you claimed was, that you were different to him, and always have been. 

Taehyung exhaled tiredly once again, settling on a new motive for today considering you must already be home. 

“Mr. Kang, could you take a right from here?” 

“But sir, that’s not the way-” 

“I know, we’re making a stop before I go home.” 

Your eyes fluttered open at the sound of your door clicking open, without knowledge of the time as you registered the luminous moonlight from outside the balcony doors bleeding in, a scattered reflection filling the room’s darkness. 

You stirred in your bed, a little annoyed having your much needed sleep disturbed, and you grumbled with a fatigued voice. 

“Mrs. Seo, I told you I’d come downstairs if I was hungry-”

“I’m not Mrs. Seo.” 

Your eyes cracked all the way open, lightyears away from sleep now hearing Taehyung’s low voice reverberate in your shared bedroom. You didn’t know why he was here, convinced he would’ve spent the rest of today elsewhere or locked up in his study. You decided to ignore him instead, your back faced towards him as you remained in a laid position.  

You heard him shut the door behind himself, the soles of his shoes contacting the floor as you heard the odd rustling of something in his hand. 

He seemed to have made his way over to the bed, placing something of possibly paper down as the telling sound of him shredding off his suit jacket met your ears. You could make out more rustling as he seemed to have grasped the other item again, nestling it onto his empty side of the bed and sitting down on the edge himself.

It was unmistakable the scent that caught your nose, the familiar smell bringing your mind temporary peace. 

Peonies.  

The bed had dipped under his weight, causing you to curl yourself up knowing he was there, the tension thick. There was silence, the sound of nothing filling your room until he eventually spoke. 

“Did I wake you?” 

“Yes.” 

He fiddled with his fingers for a bit. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t speak to me.” 

You heard him exhale tiredly, addressing you again. “Y/N..” 

“Didn’t I just tell you not to talk to me?” 

Taehyung placed his elbow on his knees as he clasped his hands over his lips, answering you. “I know, but I want to talk to you.” 

“You shouldn’t.” 

“Just hear me out, please. Just this once. It’s all I ask.” Taehyung practically beseeched, his voice sounding like the honey you’ve heard before.  

And it made you acquiesce. 

“Look, I’ll make this clear. Because of my work, I’ve never had time for dating, so I’ve slept with women casually.” Taehyung clarified, speaking pacifyingly. “But I’ve never once allowed a woman to come to my home, you’re the first one to ever lay in my bed.” 

Your eyebrows perked up, shocked by the unforeseen confession. 

“I haven’t slept with anyone ever since our engagement, and I did absolutely nothing with that woman in my office.” Taehyung paused, thinking about his next statement. 

“I would never cheat on you, I’m not the type.” 

Taehyung then took a deep breath, almost readying himself to reveal this. “You know, you’ve always talked about how we didn’t choose each other, so it makes you believe I’m stuck with you against my will or something. But you don’t know, Y/N... I did choose you.” 

Your eyes widened in bewilderment, clutching your hands to your chest as you listened carefully. 

“You probably know my father gave me an ultimatum about you. But what you don’t know is that ultimatum was only for meeting you, not choosing you.” Taehyung relayed pointedly, your eyebrows shooting up in surprise. 

“My father was only pressuring me to get married. Yes there was an incentive marrying you specifically because I felt like I owed your father for our deal, but I still could’ve said no. I could’ve met someone else and moved on.” He breathed out, moving to his next sentence. 

“But after I met you, Y/N, I didn’t want to settle on someone else. I wanted to choose you because you were different, you weren’t like any other woman I’d met.” Taehyung confessed, his voice hesitant though determined to prove his point. 

“You were never some less-than heiress to me. I saw you as someone admirable. Someone strong enough to defy the status-quo us heirs are forced to live in, and I’ve never once regretted my decision.” 

Taehyung was grasping his hands together harder now, unfamiliar with being so candid though oddly okay knowing it’s you. “So I don’t like when you say I only think of you as charity, as a woman I don’t want, because I’ve never thought of you that way.” He stressed, tone persuasive. 

“You’re you, and that makes you different.” 

You could’ve been choking if it weren’t for the fact that you were laying down, storming emotions now dissipating once soaking in his confessions. 

“And there’s genuity behind my words, I’m not a deceitful or manipulative man who makes empty promises. I should’ve been more clear from the start about my past with women, and today you just.. caught me on a bad day. Nothing went right at work, and I was stressed. I’m sorry I took it out on you.. I didn’t mean to do that.” 

There was something almost devastating laced in Taehyung’s voice, like he was reprimanding himself for his own behaviour, and it automatically made you feel extremely guilty. 

You were way too quick to make assumptions about Taehyung, jumping to conclusions that were far from the truth and now it dawned on you you only made Taehyung’s day 100x worse. You should’ve been there for him as comfort, some sort of solace so that his day wasn’t so mentally draining, but you instead accused him of terrible things with no proof and aggravated everything. 

The guilt made your head spin, rising into a seated position and turning over to in fact see a bouquet of peonies beside you, eyes nearly watering he even remembered your favourite flowers when you were so awful to him. 

He was seated a few inches away with his head in his hands, clearly distressed and troubled, and you despised you were partly the reason for it. 

How could you have so easily blamed Taehyung? You didn’t even register the fact that when you did walk in, Taehyung didn’t even look like a culpable man, he seemed rejective of the woman. 

And now you were spiraling, thinking this entire argument was just your dumb mistake. How could you have let yourself turn into some jealous maniac and make him go through this? 

You felt incredibly apologetic, regretful, but now seeking to comfort him like you should’ve against the odds of his awful day, should’ve understood and heard him out. 

You shuffled over to Taehyung on your shins, his broad back to you. If he noticed your presence behind him, he didn’t make it obvious, remaining leaned over onto his knees tiredly

You pressed your dainty palm to his back, swallowing as you contemplated if you could do something more intimate. Your hand remained still, battling the decision to move closer to him until Taehyung suddenly shrugged off your touch, voice firm. 

“I don’t need comfort, I’m fine.” 

You felt slightly discouraged, though remained determined to reach him. “I should’ve been there for you on such a stressful day.” 

“I can handle my stress on my own, I don’t need anyone.” Taehyung stated blankly, though you didn’t feel like listening to him. 

In an irrational action, you moved forward and tentatively draped your arms around Taehyung from behind, your chest flush against his back. Your small arms caged around his, chin coming to rest on his shoulder as Taehyung’s resistant voice reprimanded you. 

“Y/N, I said I don’t need-” 

“No, this is my fault. I’m so sorry I said those awful things to you, you didn’t deserve that, you didn’t deserve that at all.” Your voice was solemn as you hugged around him tighter, Taehyung holding one of your wrists to loosen your grip. 

“That’s fine, but I don’t need help, I can handle stress by myself.” Taehyung was trying to undo your hold around him though you only embraced him closer in response, one of your hands hooking onto his shoulder as the other enclosed his biceps. 

You didn’t understand why you felt so adamant about doing this, but you found your face nuzzling into his neck to just reach him, to speak to him in earnest. 

“You don’t have to.. Taehyung.” You said, clutching onto him for dear life. “You don’t have to do everything on your own, you have me.” 

“I don’t need your pity, Y/N. I’m fine, let go of me.” 

“No, I’m not going anywhere, I’m here.” 

“I don’t need help.” Taehyung stressed, trying to loosen your grip again. “Just let me go-” 

“No, I’m not letting you go, Taehyung.” You grasped him as hard as you could, tenacious in never leaving him alone.

“I don’t want to let go.” Your voice became soft, almost endearing as you snuggled further into the junction of his neck and were met by the scent of his cologne. It was just like him, masculine and soothing, and it wasn’t long before you released a relieved breath, glad that you had him so near, glad that your fight was so useless now. 

Taehyung fought his inner turmoil trying to reject your hold, though he felt so entirely warm in your touch he ultimately relaxed, accepting it, a calming breath leaving his body. He sensed the storm in his mind dissipating, the cold ice of his habitually lonely thoughts melting away underneath your hug. 

It made him bask in you, sinking into your comfort as his one hand held your forearm, and the other came up to cradle the back of your head, lightly ruffling the soft tresses of your hair with a smile. He almost allowed tears to prick at his eyes, never having felt such a moving sense of support from anyone. 

Maybe Taehyung felt the hug of his mother when he scrapped his knee at a young age, maybe the embrace of his little cousins whenever he visited them, and maybe sometimes when his friends provided their own version of comfort through sincere text messages and a momentary hug. 

But never in his life has Taehyung allowed another woman to simply hug him like this, and he found every reason in the world to think it’s okay if it’s you. 

Because everything he said today was true, you’ve always been different, and there’s nobody quite like you. 

Taehyung swallowed his emotions down thinking he didn’t want to ruin a pure moment like this with sadness, your warmth alleviating the stress along with his negative thoughts.  

Taehyung suddenly positioned himself on the bed to face you, his eyes meeting your glistening ones he couldn’t ever resist. Your arms remained loosely draped around him, meeting his eyes with an expectant look. Taehyung’s hands set around your face, a palm against your cheek as the other brushed hair behind your ear. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, his eyes darting almost adoringly all over the pretty features of your face. 

“I’m sorry, too. I was just.. scared of what would happen to your name, if people found out.” You apologized, only left to swim in the warm brown of Taehyung’s eyes. 

He smiled gratefully, finding your consideration for his reputation endearing of you. His gaze began switching between your doe-eyes and the plush of your lips, moving closer as he lost thought. He held your face, inching closer as his breathe tickled your skin the more proximal he became. 

You drew closer as well, closing your eyes as you felt Taehyung’s lips softly press against yours. You sighed into his kiss, thinking you’ve never once felt such a tender touch in your lifetime, reflective in the way you caught his lips in yours. 

Taehyung opened up his mouth to kiss you fervently, the sweet sound of your lips meeting each other making you feel fuzzy. Your grasp on his shirt tightened the more the heat picked up, relishing in the taste of him as he worked against your mouth passionately. 

Taehyung then laid you down onto the bed slowly, your back meeting the cold of the sheets as he climbed on top of you. One of Taehyung’s hands faltered from your face to encase the side of your ribcage, causing you to arch as his other palm held your cheek. 

He began kissing you with something more hungry, something more ardent. Small groans were leaving you as a result of your core lighting up, Taehyung’s hot mouth swallowing your every sound. Your hands slid up his neck to meet the tresses of his fluffy hair, fingers tugging as it seemed to turn him on. 

With a satisfied groan from his mouth, he pressed his thigh into your now pulsing entrance, his hand on your waist smoothing over your clothes until he eventually slipped his warm palms underneath your blouse. The sensation made your breath hitch, melting into Taehyung’s pleasurable touch until a sudden intrusive thought filled you with fear. The ghost of someone else’s uncaring, cold hands made you practically freeze up underneath him.  

You remembered Kiseok out of nowhere, mind frenzying and you quickly pushed Taehyung off your lips, eyes scared. 

He looked down at your alarmed expression and immediately apologized. “Shit, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“No, no! It’s not you, it’s-it’s me. I just remembered.. I just felt, I-” You tried to say a coherent sentence but your brain was spazzing out, hands smacking over your mouth to stop your babbling. 

Taehyung could read you in an instant, connecting the telling dots. 

“It’s him, isn’t it?” He questioned, soft eyes looking into yours. 

“Yes, I’m sorry. I just remembered something and I freaked out, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry-”

“Hey,” Taehyung’s thumb began massaging at your skin underneath your clothes. “It’s okay, it’s not him, Y/N. It’s me.” Taehyung’s dulcet voice spoke pacifyingly, soothing eyes gazing into your near panicked ones. “It’s just me.” 

You don’t know washed over you, but knowing it was Taehyung, the Taehyung you’ve had the wonderful privilege of getting to know, the kind Taehyung who nursed your wounded cheek and protected you on multiple occasions, the Taehyung that told you he loves snow and promised to take care of you. Knowing it was him, his touch warm and tender, rather than piercing and rushed like you’ve felt before, there was no reason to worry, no reason to push him away. 

You smiled as he returned your grin, your hands meeting his chiseled jaw to pull him back down to your lips, Taehyung happily complying.

He returned for more kisses, mouthing at you until sucking at your bottom lip until he teasingly bit at the plushy flesh and pulled them by his teeth. The way he looked at you was purely devilish, practically smirking with his eyes as he popped off your mouth, and you ignited with something akin to fire. 

You tugged him back down harshly and his tongue began poking at your mouth, yours opening up completely and he slithered inside, your tongue tangling with his ardently. 

Your wet muscles tasted each other in a delicious tandem, his hips grinding against you and your body moved in near lethal synchronicity with his, the hand underneath your blouse traversing your bare skin arousingly. 

Your breaths were catching up on each other until Taehyung disconnected, lips flushed pink with blown out eyes as he regarded you with something indistinguishable, your own eyes giving away adoration as you looked at him.

Taehyung returned by shoving his lips to the underside of your jaw, moving to your pulse point to suck more of his desire onto you, reviving his marks from yesterday. He nearly ate at your skin, mouthing tirelessly until you were squirming underneath him and more of his purple marks blossomed across your neck. 

You could tell he liked marking. 

You gasped out in pleasure, lewd sounds escaping your mouth as your hands hugged his head to your neck. Hips bucking up into his senselessly, a pleasurable groan left the back of Taehyung’s throat as his hardening length pressed your center. 

Taehyung’s mouth began canvasing down to your collarbones, kissing and licking them hotly before he shifted his weight onto his shoulder and suddenly exclaimed, grimacing in pain. 

“Ah, fuck.”

“What’s wrong?” You asked, hands holding his face.  

He managed his weight on top of you with one arm, working his left arm in order to gauge the pain. “My shoulder, it’s been bothering me all day.” 

“Did you take any medicine?” 

“I took painkillers for my headache. Don’t think it did anything for my shoulder.” He informed as he winced moving the muscles, clearly in pain. 

You pushed him up into an upright position, letting him sit in front of you with mussed hair and swollen lips, massaging the joint. You blushed at the fact his disheveled state was the result of kissing you, though you trashed the idea once he exclaimed in pain again. 

“Ah, stop moving it, turn around.” You pushed at his chest to get him to turn. He listened and positioned himself with his back to you, your hand over his shoulder as you settled behind him. “Take your shirt off, I can look at the muscle.” 

“Oh? You’re not shy about seeing me shirtless anymore?” Taehyung remarked, obviously relating back to your first night sleeping together and you smacked at his shoulder. 

“Hey, not the time.” Taehyung reeled at your hit, his exclamation melding into a laugh as you spoke. “You gotta strip for me, Kim. Take it off so I can see.” 

“Since when are you a doctor?” He quirked his eyebrows. 

“Since I took kinesiology in university. I know muscles, take off your shirt already. Or are you shy about showing me some skin, cuddler boy?” You quipped at his ego. 

“I mean, I saw some of your skin in the shower yesterday, it’s only fair I show you mine.” He snickered evilly as you recalled the shower incident, mouthing falling agape.

“What? You said you didn’t look!” You hit him again as punishment and Taehyung cried out, laughing through pain. 

“Ow, I was kidding! I only saw your shoulders.” 

“Good, now take this shirt off before I make your shoulder worse.” You scolded him, on your knees as you yanked at his shirt. 

Taehyung quickly admitted defeat. “Okay, okay, if my princess wants me to strip, I’ll strip.” You almost hit him again until he worked the buttons of his shirt, peeling off the fabric from his shoulders and you were reminded again of just how large Taehyung really is. 

Your eyes ogled at the size of his shoulder blades, impressed by how masculine his features were; his lean muscle, broad back, your hands having a mind of their own as they began travelling over his skin. You were moving quite aimlessly until Taehyung’s teasing voice lifted you from your trance. 

“See something you like?” 

Your cheeks heated up, scandalized. “I-I’m just looking at your muscles.” 

“Mmm, sure. Wanna add em’ to the list of things you like about me?” Taehyung was clearly having too much fun with this as a pretty laugh escaped him, you having enough of his teasing. 

“That’s it, I’m leaving you alone.” You propped off the bed and walked away, Taehyung protesting after you. 

“Y/N, come back. I’ll stop.” He whined as he stood to his feet, gesturing his open arms for you to come to, though you teased him back instead. 

“Nope, you’ve lost your opportunity for my massages and my lips you like oh so much, bread crust boy.” 

You could’ve sworn a blush crept onto Taehyung’s cheeks, clearly remembering his candid confession of what he liked about you. “Yah, come here.” 

“I think I remember some about my eyes too, right?” You pulled at his leg, Taehyung’s bottom lip jutting out in a near pout. 

“Hey, this is unfair, come back to me.” 

“You’ll have to catch me if you want me back, Mr. Kim.” You eyed him playfully as you bolted off, sprinting across your bedroom to work the lock of the balcony doors.  

“You’re going outside? It’s cold!” Taehyung proclaimed in complaint, dragging his feet for you as you swung the balcony doors open. You ran out into the cold winter air, chilling your bones though you didn’t really care when you had a near shirtless Kim Taehyung hot on your trail. 

“Then I guess you’ll have to catch me to keep warm!” You teased comically, amused as you watched him scramble outside for you. Giggles came from you as you dodged his arms, both of you pacing around each other as Taehyung’s endearing chuckles filled the night air.  

You started slowing down once the running caught up to your lungs, coming to a momentary halt as Taehyung finally snatched you up. His arms wrapped entirely around your torso, practically lifting you off the ground as you exclaimed through defeated laughs. 

“Okay, Taehyung, you got me, you got me! Let me go!” You struggled in his hold, squirming for him to loosen his grasp though he didn’t let up. 

“Nope, you’re my only warmth now, not letting go.” Taehyung announced while biting back a wide smile. He rested his chin atop your head and his iron lock brought you to a settled state, accepting his hold around you. 

You became slightly shy thinking Taehyung’s bare front was pressed against your back, your hands resting over his as you both shivered together, only each other’s body heat for warmth.  

“I’m practically anemic, Tae. I’m always cold.” You giggled as you dissed yourself. 

Taehyung breathed through his nose in a small laugh, speaking with the baritone of his voice that resonated in your back. 

“You’ve always been warm to me.” 

Your lips curved into a gleeful smile, basking in the feeling of his safe arms wrapped around you without the judgmental stare of others like at the amusement park. It was just you and him, and you simply enjoyed the moment, eyes finding stars above your entangled bodies. 

“Oh my God, the stars.” You pointed upwards, peering at the pretty constellations above your heads and Taehyung looked up as well. 

“Wow, this is my first time seeing stars in ages.” Taehyung commented, eyes soaking in the shine of their light. 

You could only snicker, quipping at him as he admired the sky. “All because I came into your life, right?” 

Taehyung could tell it was meaningless joke on your end, his teasing always matched with your own, but what you didn’t know was how much the stars had always meant to Taehyung. 

And that your playful statement beckoned him to reminisce. 

The sky was the only solace he found as a child, often peering up to be set free from his pre-determined, controlling life. Even in his young teenaged years he tried to believe in galaxies as much as he could, using it as some make-shift escape from his restrictive world. 

Though as the years progressed, and Taehyung become completely sucked into the world of business, he’d lost all touch with such a concept, and lost the significance it once harbored. He’d stopped believing in any galaxy whatsoever, stopped taking a moment to look up at the sky and solely lived for the purpose of achieving greatness in his name. 

But with you, he often earned small instances of reprieve just like this. A moment where it felt like his ever-progressive world had stopped, like he could finally see those same stars he used to look up at. 

Except now, as he glanced down at your doe-eyes reflecting the luminescent lights, pretty stars scattered within them, he couldn’t help but admire their reflections in your eyes more. He wanted to look into them for longer, wondering if he’d always be able to see the same gleam of starlight in your eyes like this.  

And that maybe his solace isn’t the sky anymore. 

“Yeah, it is.” His arms coiled around you tighter, clutching onto you like you so desperately clutched onto him earlier. His face dipped into your shoulder, feeling every ounce of worry and stress from today float up into a cloud of nothing, soaking in your warm presence without thought of the cold. 

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Taehyung asked by your ear, calm and quiet. 

“Me? Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering.” He hummed. 

“Mm, well, I was actually taking the day off. Hana wants me to look for her wedding gift in our gigantic hoard.” 

Taehyung snorted. “I shouldn’t even tell you the amount of money people gave us.” 

“Please don’t, it’ll make me hunt down each person by fingerprint analysis and give it back.” You feigned disgust, leaning yourself back into his warmth.

“And that’s exactly why I didn’t tell my stubborn wife.” 

You grinned sheepishly at Taehyung so casually referring to you as his wife. “You’re stubborn too, don’t think I’m the only one.” 

“You’re way more stubborn,” Taehyung argued. “I could give you the world and you’d probably only take a blade of grass.” 

“If you gave me the world I’d just give it back to you.” 

“Exactly, because you’re more stubborn.” He retorted, proud of his remark as your mind rather went into thought, your next words reflecting your meditative mind. 

“No, because you deserve the world more than I do.”

You said it so softly, his warm hold around you the epitome of comfort as you forgot the winter chill, the seeming care radiating off his body sinking into your bones that have been so conditioned to feel unloved. You could only puff air through your nose in a laugh to yourself, thinking Taehyung felt like a remedy to nearly every dark part of yourself, like he eased you in ways nobody else ever could. 

And it made you think Taehyung really is such a misunderstood person, because despite his hard stares and guarded walls, there was a man who simply had a kind soul. 

There was a poignant pause as Taehyung became shocked, never having been told something so.. sentimental. His heart strings were practically being tugged at, feeling your grip on his hands tighten. Taehyung nestled you closer to him, mumbling calmly by your ear as his face found the crook of your neck. 

“Only because you deserve a universe.” 

You both basked in the sweet moment together, hearts utterly filled to the brim with something indistinguishable, something you both had no way of identifying. The pair of you ignored the feeling and let the unspeakable sensation permeate the air instead, tranquility seeping into the pair of you in the quietness of the moment. 

Until Taehyung suddenly perked up. 

“Hey, is the reason why you didn’t go near the railing on your first day here because you’re afraid of heights?”

“W-what? No, totally not afraid of some balcony.” You brushed him off with a fake laugh way too casually, and Taehyung caught on. 

“You know it’s only two stories up, right? You could survive a fall that high.” 

“Taehyung, don’t say that!” You whined out in fear, and Taehyung could only chuckle heartily at your cute protest. 

“Hana, shut up before I end this call.” You threatened your best friend on the other line, rested on your shins in your walk-in closet. “I literally took the day off just so I could look through these wedding gifts for yours, cut to the chase.” 

“Hey, not my fault you two looked all lovey-dovey at an amusement park after you tell me you guys are fake, who even asked out who? Captain hard stare or you?” 

“Look, at our first event a lot of people made snarky comments about our marriage seeming fake, so we agreed on looking more couply.” 

“No fucking kidding, you think I didn’t spit my drink out when I saw that photo of Taehyung on his knees fixing your dress?” Hana snorted on the other end. “Ma’am, I salute you for getting the Kim Taehyung on his knees for you, tell us the secret babe.” 

“Hana, he wasn’t even on his knees.” 

“Whatever you say, Casanova.” Hana drawled into the phone. “But seriously though, has he gotten on his knees for you yet.. you know.. in that way?” 

“Hana, shut the fuck up.” 

“I’m curious! Word on the street is Taehyung’s packing, the kind that fucks up your insides.” 

“Why are you talking so casually about my husband’s fucking?” You deadpanned, crossing your arms.  “You really wanna tell me that after I fought with him yesterday about his past with women?”

“Look, just remember what Taehyung said to you about them. It seriously seems like none of those girls mean to him what you mean to him.” 

“... why do you say that?” 

“I saw all the photos of you guys on your date and to be honest, the shit he did didn’t seem fake.” 

“It was for the cameras, Hana.” 

She scoffed on the other side of the line. “Sure, if that helps you sleep at night. Fuck, both of you just looked really real, and that’s coming from someone who knows about your marriage.” 

You pondered over her statement for a moment until you finally found the stupid red box Hana kept preaching. “Oh, hey! I think I found your gift.” 

“Really? Finally, I spent way too much on this fucker.” Hana complained. 

“What the hell is it? The box feels too light.” You shook it around for good measure.

“You’ll see when you open it, Casanova.” 

“Hana, I’m literally the furthest thing from a Casanova, shut up?” 

“Says the one who got Kim Taehyung on his knees to fix your dress like your servant.” She accused you, imagining her drinking a petty sip of something in a glass. 

“He wasn’t on his knees, Hana. He just fixed it to be nice” 

“Well, quick fucking reminder he bought you that dress too. Let’s see how fast you can get him on his knees with something I bought you.” 

“What do you..” Your words faded once you lifted the lid of the box and lost all function. Your eyes bugged out at seeing a red lacey lingerie set, clearly satin in fabric and so scandalous you audibly gasped. 

“Hana! What the fuck is this?!” You hissed into the phone, slapping the lid back over the box like you’d removed the Holy Grail. 

“Surprise! You seriously owe me for this one, I had to talk to his CEO friends just to find out what he likes. Made myself look like a damn fool asking at the wedding.” 

“Oh God, don’t even remind me of the guys at the wedding.” You held a hand to your temple in shame. “I still feel terrible I was such a fucked up, unavailable mess I never got to meet them. I don’t know how the fuck Taehyung and I both have so much family.” 

You recalled the awful memory of being dragged around to snobby, intrusive relatives and ‘important people’ all night, having missed the guys as they were busy themselves, shivering at the sheer amount of social skills you had to conjure in a near catatonic state. 

You also would’ve been taken by the sentiment of Hana’s gift, but all that was running through your mind was a racy lingerie set tucked away in a closet you shared with Taehyung, constantly reminding you where in God’s name you were even going to hide this. 

“Hana, that’s fucking sweet of you but what the hell?! Red, satin and lace? I’m not a Victoria’s Secret model!” 

“It’s all his favourites, apparently. And you’re very much runway worthy, though I don’t think Captain hard stare would want people eyeing his woman if you walked down the runway in that.” She preached as if she were Taehyung’s wing woman, making you unfortunately realize your best friend and your husband were both equally quick-witted. 

Great.

“I’m not walking anywhere in this. I can’t pull off lingerie, and especially not in front of Taehyung. My cheeks would literally melt off my face if that happened.”

“Why? You guys haven’t done anything at all?” 

You became sheepish answering her question, thighs rubbing together as you admitted the truth. “Um.. not-not really.” 

“Oh? Nothing at all?” She asked out sheer curiosity.  

“We’ve really only made out.” 

“Are you-!” Hana almost exclaimed loudly until she calmed down. “Actually, you know what? That’s okay, Y/N. I know Kiseok was an asshole and he makes sex hard for you, but you’re seriously a woman of steel resisting Taehyung.” She commended you whole-heartedly. 

“You can kick me later for this but that’s the hottest man I’ve seen in my entire life, how haven’t you jumped him yet? I would’ve.” 

“You think I don’t know that, I live with him!” 

“Exactly! So you know him, Y/N, and you know he’s not an asshole, you can let loose around him.” Hana explained. “That’s why I got the set, you were already forced into this like he was, the least you two could do is have some fun together.” 

“Hana-”

“Nope, don’t do that with me. Don’t tell me you’re not pretty enough or something because I’ll bite your elbow. You’re a gorgeous girl who deserves to get railed every night, don’t think you’re not enough for him or something, Y/N. I can tell by the way he treats you you’re more than enough.” 

“How are you so sure?” 

Hana paused on the other line, sighing before giving her answer. “You know how I met Taehyung’s friends at the wedding?” 

“Yeah?” 

“They talked about him, they were mainly cracking jokes but they ended up saying the way he acts with you...” Hana relayed carefully. “It’s different.” 

“But that was during the wedding, we barely knew each other then.” 

“Exactly, and you told me that all along Taehyung actually did choose you, so stop questioning your worth when it comes to him, your worthy enough that he chose you.” 

You could only dwell on Hana’s thoughts, sincerely glad you had such a supportive friend. 

It made you think about how you’re not the greatest friend. “You know, I’ll always be sorry I keep you and Yoongi apart. You’re worthy to him too, you know. He just gets really caught up with work.”

Hana was silence for a moment before she joked. “Please, you know I already know that. It’s just... hard to tell.. with us.” 

“I know, but I know my brother, Hana. The way he looks at you is different too.” 

“We’ll see about that,” She brushed off the sentimental conversation. “Now try the set on.” 

“Pardon?” 

“Hello? I spent a shitload on it, you better try it on and send me a photo of yourself.” She instructed you harshly. 

“You want me to send you nudes?” 

“It’s not nudes if you’re wearing lingerie, genius, I need proof you at least tried it on before you let it waste away.” 

“Ugh, fine. I’m hanging up and trying it on.” 

“Good, you better send me a picture after or else I’ll call you every minute until you pick up.” She threatened very seriously, and you rolled your eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, bye.” You ended the call, sighing when your sight fell to the gift in front of you. The red of the box should’ve given it away, but you always were a bit of dumbass, so what’s it to you?

You uncovered the lid once again, casting it aside to take the set out. You regretfully began undressing yourself in the closet to wiggle into the contraption, spotting a satin red robe as an extra part of the set in the box and you groaned, foregoing it. Once you actually figured the lingerie out, you looked at yourself in the mirror, swiveling around to catch sight of your every curve. 

It perfectly fit you. 

Damn you, Hana. 

It was definitely salacious as you glanced at your reflection, bra designed as half a racy bodice that tied in the front, pushing up your boobs into round globes. There was a strip of lace that lined the bodice’s edges, garters that came down from it and hooked around your thighs, practically serving them on a platter. The panties were of stain fabric with some cotton inside (good news for your vagina), lace adorning it’s cut outs as it thinned into three small straps around your hips. 

Safe to say, Hana did not pull a single punch with this one. 

You felt shy wearing the set at first, though admired how it actually accentuated all the right parts of you, displaying your body in ways that if it any man saw you right now, you were sure they’d be on their knees like Hana said. 

You snatched your phone and snapped a single mirror shot of yourself, conscientiously sending it off to Hana with an angry text you were going to take it off. You worked for the tie until you decided to look at yourself a little longer, turning your body around and biting your lip thinking you were wearing apparently everything Taehyung likes. 

The red you knew about, but he’s a lace guy, and especially satin?

Amusing, you’re using this against him one day. 

“Mr. Kim, you’re leaving early today?” Mrs. Lee asked as she peeked out from behind her computer screen. 

“Yes, could you reschedule that last meeting I had.” Taehyung shut his office door as he asked. “I’ve made other plans.” 

“Of course, I could do that.” She clicked at her keyboard, seemingly focused on a task until she asked. “Though may I ask of your other plans?” 

“Nowhere in particular.” Taehyung shrugged. 

“Hmm, I see.” Taehyung smiled at her as he began stepping out of his office quarters and into the hallway, Mrs. Lee’s voice suddenly reaching him. 

“Have fun with Mrs. Kim!” 

He stopped dead in his tracks and poked his head back in, never having said a name. 

“Mrs. Lee, I.. never mentioned Mrs. Kim.” Taehyung’s eyes held a hint of embarrassment, lips jutted out. 

“You have your Mrs. Kim smile on, sir. It’s alright if you’re going to see her.” 

Taehyung felt like he was being very easily read, and he was suddenly reminded why he hired Mrs. Lee in the first place. She’d always been excellent at figuring him out, taking note of the smallest things about him whether it be preference, habits or character traits, and that made his job a thousand times easier. 

Though in a situation like this, he felt like someone caught red-handed. “I.. um.. I just wanted to take her out. I’ll catch up on the remainder of my work at home.” Taehyung scratched the back of his neck. 

“Of course, sir. Enjoy the rest of your day.” 

Taehyung nodded shyly and began pacing further down the hallway, Mrs, Lee’s final words echoing off the walls. 

“Say hello to Mrs. Kim for me!” She cheered, Taehyung smacking his forehead as the elevator doors closed. 

You still hadn’t found a reason to take off the set, comically posing and fooling around without knowledge of how much time had passed. You stood still in front of the mirror for a moment, playing with your hair for it to fall into different styles. You were completely unsuspecting when you suddenly saw the closet door in the mirror’s view open, though became utterly horrified hearing a voice you knew all too well. 

Your husband’s voice.

“Y/N, I’m home-” 

He stiffened entirely on spot ambling in, his jaw dropping to practically the center of the earth. 

Your eyes widened in terror, your reflection looking back at Taehyung’s slack jaw and blown out eyes as he caught sight of your scantily-clad figure. You turned around rapidly to face him, arms trying to cover what little you could, so frozen up you couldn’t even consider yelling at him.  

“T-Taehyung, w-when did you get home?” 

Taehyung’s mouth opened and closed multiple times trying to construct a sentence, though he couldn’t think of a single coherent thing. His eyes could not for the life of him leave your figure, because holy fuck. 

He could see your wedding gifts sprawled around you, clearly having unwrapped one and somehow wearing his favourite everything on a woman. 

His sight darted around the skin he’s never once seen before; your breasts, your stomach, your thighs, and he swallowed dryly soaking in the lace hugging your body. He was completely captivated looking at his wife wrapped like a Christmas present in front of him. 

He then realized it was evidently a mistake he caught you like this and averted his ogling eyes, blinking numerous times to erase the erotic image and thoughts from his mind. 

But to no fucking avail, it was already imprinted so deeply in his brain he’d never forget it even after he died. 

“I.. uh, um.. I was just-I left work early because I wanted... to take you out on a surprise date.” Taehyung cleared his throat as his eyes kept coming back to scan you, hand clutching the door open as he malfunctioned. “What.. what-what’re you doing?” 

“O-oh I was just um.. was looking through our wedding gifts.. like I told you.” You wanted the ground to swallow you whole, squishing your thighs together as if it would conceal something, because this is by far the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever experienced. 

“Right, right.” Taehyung nodded senselessly trying to look away, though his eyes had a mind of their own as he found himself sneaking glances at the garters around your thighs, fucking garters. The satin was practically beckoning him, and the red lace paired with your nearly spilled out breasts sent blood places it really shouldn’t be right now. 

“Do you.. um, want to go out today?” He repeated his question, Adam’s apple bobbing extremely hard as he kept mentally reprimanding himself for his greedy glances.   

Your eyes followed the action, hugging around your body tighter to hide but it really only made your breasts pop more, Taehyung losing his sanity at the thoughts plaguing him.  

“Sure.. maybe in-in an hour?” 

“Sure. Sounds great.” Taehyung profusely nodded to himself as he started making his exit urgently, you calling him back. 

“Taehyung!” 

“Y-yeah?” He poked his head back in, eyes trained on only your face.  

“Could you-you know, maybe um.. forget this happened? I was just trying it on because Hana bought it and wouldn’t leave me alone until I did. P-please?” You pleaded guilelessly, and Taehyung could never understand how you were so innocent yet your body and actions sometimes were the utter opposite. 

“Oh yeah, of course, totally.” Taehyung waved off. “Erased, gone, Neuralyzed from my brain, what are we even talking about?” Taehyung stuttered out rapidly, your lips curving into a grateful smile. 

“Thanks.” 

He coughed. “Don’t mention it.”

Taehyung then quickly vacated his room with a deep breath and his mind racing, you squirming to put some actual clothes on. 

It was almost an hour later and you’d seen no sight of Taehyung as you readied yourself for your date, especially to your liking because you still felt extremely embarrassed about everything. 

You carefully walked down the stairs in pantyhose and a dress as you were met by quite literally nobody in the house. You didn’t spot Mrs. Choi or Seo where they should’ve been in the kitchen, finding it even more odd Taehyung was nowhere to be seen. 

You glanced around skeptically, considering whether or not everyone abandoned you as some sort of joke. Sauntering onto the first floor, your attention was stolen by the bouquet of pretty peonies you swiped into a vase earlier today on the dining table. 

You touched the petals delicately, reminiscent smile finding your lips upon remembering Taehyung bought them with you in mind. 

Admiring them was taking up your time until you glanced over at the kitchen, spotting some stray water around the sink, finding that odd. 

You quirked an eyebrow, thinking it looked too untidy for such precise people like Mrs. Choi and Seo. Ticking your head to the side, you set your purse and phone done against the island’s counter, grasping a paper towel to clean up the water. 

You were minding your own business in the midst of wiping down the mess, distracted until someone’s large hands abruptly grappled onto the edge of sink around you, caging you completely in with their arms from behind.  

You gasped, recognizing the slender, masculine hands with pretty bracelets adorning his one wrist, knowing exactly who it was. His entire front was pushed up against your back invasively, the heat of his presence coursing through your veins. 

“T-Taehyung, what are you-”

“I can’t forget it.” 

“What?” 

“I can’t forget it.” He repeated, his hot breath fanning your exposed skin as his face dipped to your shoulder. His hands gripped the edge of the counter hard, leaning himself further into you and you became very aware of your backside shoved against his crotch. 

“We-we have a date to go on.” You clutched the paper towel, nerves in your body alighting at him all up in your personal space, his body enclosing you, and now was the time you remembered Hana talking about Taehyung’s gifted size. 

Did he just have to have a big dick too?

“We’re not going on a date anymore.” Taehyung’s voice was dark and hot near the shell of your ear, jutting his hips so far into you your stomach was pressed up against the counter, losing all form of control.  

“Taehyung, Mrs. Seo and Mrs. Choi-” 

“I sent them home, we’re the only ones in this house.” His confession made your core ignite, the bubbling feeling of arousal now raking your insides as Taehyung remained in your space. 

“J-just the two of us?” 

“Just the two of us.” Taehyung stressed, his deft hands now encasing yours against the counter, and it was breathtaking how much larger they were in comparison with yours, how everything about Taehyung was. 

And definitely the hints of his length pressing up against your ass. 

“I can’t fucking stop thinking about you in that set.” Taehyung’s harsh breaths were tickling your skin, arousing you as the vibration of his voice sent shivers down your spine. 

You scoffed wanting to have some fun. “Satin and lace make you this weak of a man?” 

“Only when you’re wearing it. And trust me, I can make a mess out of you underneath me.” Taehyung breathed out hotly, his hips purposefully contacting your ass as his hands slithered around your stomach, pulling you flush against him. 

“Please, I can have you on your knees fixing my dress again before you do that.” You teased biting your lip, turned on way more than you should’ve been at his hands ghosting your abdomen. 

“You challenging me, princess? Because I was only being a gentleman, you have no clue how hard I can fuck you till you feel me in your throat.” Taehyung said it so roughly by your ear you gushed on spot. His hands trailed off on their own, one snug underneath your breasts and the other over your abdomen, clearly on two separate missions your body was nearly leaping at the prospect of.  

“I’d love to see you try, Mr. Kim.” You pointedly stressed, the constant feeling of his growing cock prodding your ass and breath fanning the junction between your neck and shoulder was sending into overdrive. 

“Mm, are you sure? Think you can handle it?” Taehyung’s tone was deep though held a concerned lilt, still trying to gain some sort of permission as if you weren’t ready to jump his bones right now. 

“Do you need me to take over, loverboy? All talk about dominance but can’t-” 

Taehyung’s hand suddenly darted down and cupped your sex through your dress so lethally your breath hitched, gasping at the euphoric feeling. His other hand snaked towards your breast and grabbed a handful of you, making you keen forward and press your ass against him. 

Taehyung’s large, skillful hands began doing their respective work; one fondling your tit and the other rubbing against your folds through your clothes. 

“You think you can just wear lingerie and not receive the consequence?” Taehyung questioned harshly, lips pressed to the shell of your ear as he lewdly touched you. “Think it won’t fucking ruin me with that image in my head?” 

“I-I was just trying it on.” You stuttered out relishing in his movements, his voice seriously authoritative and now you can see where his dominant, alpha male really jumps out. 

He scoffed under his breath. “Trying it on? You’re such a fucking tease.” His hand on your core began rubbing circles on your clit, eliciting breathy moans from your mouth that were bouncing off the kitchen walls. 

“Y-you’re one to talk, you think lounging around manspreading with fucking unbuttoned shirts and folded sleeves isn’t a tease?” 

“Oh? Innocent princess has had some dirty thoughts?” 

“Like you haven’t? I know the way you tense whenever I touch your chest or say your titles, don’t think I don’t notice- ah, fuck! Taehyung.” You moaned, feeling the pads of his fingers press into your clit harder with his other finding your nipple. 

“And yet you’re the one moaning out my name, so who’s the dirtier one?” His tone was lustful and teasing against your ear, had you reeling in his hold the faster he moved.  

“I thought you were the dirty one who said you’d fuck me till I feel you in my throat? Where’s that attitude now, cuddler boy?” You were quick to quip back at him but it only spelled your doom, his next words dangerous and coated with salacity. 

“You don’t get it, Princess. I’m big, you won’t walk the next day.” Taehyung’s hand then suddenly hiked up your skirt, shoving past the waistband of your pantyhose and pressing the pads of his fingers to your wet underwear, staining them with your slick delectably. 

You reeled at the touch, almost bent all the way over as Taehyung continued his merciless ministrations, the thoughts of his hands finally meeting your bare pussy and possibly his cock in you making you gush. 

“M-maybe that’s what I want.” You quivered out, gripping Taehyung’s wrist that was working your aching, clothed pussy. 

Taehyung puffed air through his nose, entertained. “My princess is dirty, isn’t she? What does she think about in that pretty little head of hers?” He asked amused, suddenly teasing your hole and it had your walls clenching around absolutely nothing, thinking about his fingers. 

“N-nothing.” You lied, not wanting to so easily give in as his sub, but it was so fucking hard when he was grazing your clit and fondling your sensitive nipples. 

“I don’t think you’re that innocent, princess. Tell me, tell me what you think about.” Taehyung was coaxing out your answers seductively as his lips finally met your neck, kissing and sucking the searing skin so sensually you were buzzing with pleasure. 

“I-I think about your hands.” You croaked out. 

Taehyung quirked his eyebrows amusedly. “Oh really, now? You think about my hands doing this?” Taehyung quickly slipped his hand inside your panties, the warm touch against your bare skin already so arousing until he slid them down to your bare pussy. You gushed a waterfall at the touch of his fingers, gasping out and hooking onto his arm desperately.  

“Fuck, Taehyung.” You moaned. 

“Where do you think about them? Here?” Taehyung glided over your throbbing clit and you practically twitched in his hold, him enjoying every last bit of the pretty sounds escaping your mouth.

“What about here?” His fingers swiped deeply into your soaked folds, your slick making it so easy for him to rub up and down your pussy like it was a game. 

“Tae, fuck!” You dug your nails into his arm, relishing in the heavenly feeling of his hands in the places you’ve always thought of. 

“God, you’re so fucking wet.” Taehyung praised, groaning pleasurably at how much slick you were producing. “Maybe you could take me, but I need to stretch you out, baby, you’re too small.” 

“Then do it, Taehyung. Fucking all bark but no bite.” You moaned out sexually frustrated, not knowing you hit a nerve in Taehyung’s pride and he plunged two greedy fingers into your pulsing center to shut you up.  

You sighed out a euphoric moan, leaning your head back against Taehyung’s chest, your world spinning. His fingers began pumping you deliciously, Taehyung groaning from the back of his throat against your neck at how warm and wet you were inside, how fucking tight. 

Taehyung quickly worked his other hand to free your breast from the confines of your dress, exposing it and you keened again feeling Taehyung’s fingertips play with your exposed, hard nipple.  

You felt yourself becoming submissive way too easily, moaning as you jut your hand behind and grabbed Taehyung’s semi-hard cock through his slacks. 

He practically keened over, strangling a groan so beautiful you’ve never once wanted to ruin a man more. You began palming him graciously, sighing out gratified moans as they mixed with Taehyung’s throaty sounds. 

He grew utterly punishing and thrusted his fingers deeper inside you for revenge, you squirming underneath him and it fired Taehyung up. 

“You know, I never knew you were hiding a body like this underneath your clothes.” His voice grew dark, dangerous as his hands were only increasing in speed and technique, your pussy growing wetter by the second. “So fucking sexy.” 

“Then why don’t you take off my clothes right now, sailor?” You challenged him, grasping his growing dick at the tip and Taehyung groaned in amused satisfaction. 

He ripped his hands away from you, you whining at the loss until he spun you around and crashed his lips against yours, kissing fervently as he grabbed for the back of your thighs. You kissed him back equally hard, jumping into his hold and letting him carry you to the island. 

He seated you on the edge, your legs spread out with Taehyung in between as your arms remained laced around his neck, his hands finding your sides. He was feeling you up hungrily as you both messily made out, your hands tangling in his hair. 

He moved to unbutton the front of your dress that kept your top half contained, popping it open to slide the useless dress off your shoulders. Your entire upper body was then bared to Taehyung, him disconnecting from your mouth in a haze to soak you in. You felt slightly self-conscious, arms wrapping around to conceal yourself on instinct until Taehyung stopped you. 

“Don’t hide from me, you’re gorgeous.” Taehyung looked into your eyes genuinely, like he entirely meant to adore you, and it only made you think back to when you didn’t know if he could be the loving partner you needed. 

But when Taehyung was looking at you like this, like there was nothing but unadulterated adoration in his coffee irises, your heart was leaping hurdles thinking he’s exactly what you’ve always needed. 

You smiled before pressing a chaste kiss to his plushy lips, Taehyung then drawing himself to your chest and trailing hot kisses down the valley of your breasts. 

You shuddered feeling his mouth near your nipples and Taehyung instantly discovered a weakness. He smiled against your searing skin, bringing his tongue to swipe across your perched nipple and you moaned loudly. Your chest arched dangerously when his fingers hooked onto your pantyhose and underwear, roughly pulling them down and past your plump ass. 

You gasped out in relief feeling the cool surface of the counter against you, pure pleasure raking your insides as you relished in the feeling of Taehyung’s mouth beginning to suck and lick at your perched nubs. 

You suddenly became aware of Taehyung’s very dressed figure, whining at the fact he was wearing clothes. 

“Taehyung.. your shirt.” You started pulling at the fabric, Taehyung never letting his mouth leave your breast as he quickly undid his buttons and ripped his shirt off himself. 

He discarded it and returned his hands to your body, only this time he harshly removed your bottoms from your thighs, tugging them down as you helped him. 

He shred off the offensive items entirely and threw them somewhere on the floor. You hissed at the feeling of your soaked pussy exposed to cold air, gripping onto Taehyung’s shoulders to manage the chill on your intimate parts. 

Taehyung then popped off your nipple and sucked at your skin as he laid you back onto the counter by his weight. As he leaned over your groaning figure, he kissed your stomach, your dress pooled at your abdomen. You moaned out in pure euphoria feeling his pillowy lips all over your skin, back arching off the cold surface of the marble counter. 

With your skirt being propped off your center, your core was bared to Taehyung, his fingers returning to rub sickeningly against your core and his other holding your legs open. 

“You’re fucking dripping, princess. I just know you taste as sweet as you sound.” Taehyung hummed against your hot skin, and you were affected by his words for a mere second before your hazy mind considered what he was going to do. 

As Taehyung’s hands hooked underneath your thighs and his mouth neared your pulsing core, your hands came out to immediately stop him, exclaiming. “Wait! You don’t have to do that, I-I’m supposed to do it first, aren’t I?” 

Taehyung quirked his eyebrows in confusion. “No? I want to eat you out, so I’m going to eat you out.” He declared drawing his mouth back to your core, until you halted his actions once again. 

“Look! You don’t have to force yourself or something, you really don’t have to.” Old thoughts and habits from spending nights with Kiseok came flooding into your mind, your needs seldom a priority and his usually the only meant to be satisfied. 

“Why are you- have you not been eaten out before?” Taehyung asked, his tone concerned. 

“Not-not really? I don’t know, I-I’m just not used to it. I was usually the one giving than receiving.” You admitted completely embarrassed, hands covering your hot face. It felt so entirely humiliating to admit something like this, squeezing your thighs shut to shrink into some sort of hole so Taehyung didn’t have to see you. 

Though his hands on your thighs pushing them back open reminded you he was indeed here, his words angry when he spoke. “You’re fucking telling me that asshole only ever- are you kidding me?”

“Does it look like I’m joking?!” 

“No, I just- that’s not fair, princess, that’s not fair at all.” Taehyung was storming holding you open, reminded all the same about why he’s only ever wanted to give you everything in the world. He couldn’t believe you were deprived of feeling like a princess, making him far more than determined to provide you with what you deserve. 

And determined he’d probably kill your jackass of an ex if he ever saw him. 

He scoffed humourlessly against your core, you shuddering at the feeling. “You deserve more than a universe.” Taehyung said to himself as he brought himself to kiss around your gushing folds, you squirming at just the feeling. 

“Taehyung! You don’t-” 

“It’s okay, Jagiya. I want to.” Taehyung began soothing your thighs with the pads of his thumbs. He held his mouth just before your entrance, his hot breath making you tense and nearly squeal, Taehyung muttering pacifyingly between your legs. 

“Shh, princess. Let me take care of you, relax for me.” You followed his word by taking a breath, Taehyung’s wet tongue meeting your palpitating folds when you exhaled. He licked a slow, thick stripe up your quivering cunt, gathering your slick on his tongue and you bit back an inhuman gasp. 

You nearly lurched off the counter, Taehyung’s satisfying tongue now masterfully licking into your folds as he kept you from shutting your thighs around him. He only spread you out further, delving his tongue deeper into your aching pussy and it was hilarious how easily you felt your insides coiling. 

This felt euphoric, otherworldly as Taehyung began licking you harder, swiveling his tongue in between your slit and flattening on your folds repeatedly. The technique of his tongue morphed into merciless kitten licks against your throbbing clit that were driving you insane, clearing teasing you and you moaned too loudly.

You slapped your hand over your mouth to not embarrass yourself, getting way too high off simply his tongue until Taehyung reprimanded you. 

“Don’t be quiet, Y/N. let me hear you.” Taehyung spoke against your core glanced up at you through his mussed fringe, his eyes entrancing as you looked down at him. “I wanna hear you say my name.” 

“T-Taehyung..” You moaned out making eye contact with him, his work on your pussy already edging you to places you never thought possible, his intoxicating eyes leaving you weak. 

“Mm?” He hummed against your folds, the vibration so heavenly you moaned out even louder and threw your head back, hands entangling in Taehyung’s hair messily.

“Taehyung.. don’t fucking stop.” You groaned, now chasing your high as you moved against Taehyung’s merciless mouth, and felt him smile against you. 

He then latched onto your clit so powerfully you tugged at his tresses, Taehyung groaning out satisfied as he suckled at your swollen bud. It was formidable, sickening the way he dared to look up at you with carnal eyes that had you submitting far more easily than you liked. 

But it didn’t matter when Taehyung was constantly sucking on your clit, laving at your pussy so passionately it’s like he was now trying to prove a point, trying to drive you insane. He suddenly shoved his long fingers into your weeping hole and you just about cried out, the sensation of him softly finger-fucking you as your walls soaked him in avariciously utterly divine. 

His movements became blissful and you weakened the more he sped up, licking and pumping you over and over and over again until your insides coiled so tightly, you moaned out an orgasm never felt before. 

You came hard, Taehyung’s name at the end of every sound and your body convulsed at the feeling, walls pulsing, pleasure overwhelming your every nerve. Taehyung tasted you through your orgasm, not letting up his tongue until he felt your breaths settle, kissing your near battered center delicately before you pushed at him from oversensitivity. 

He disconnected and straightened himself up, viewing your smaller figure laid out breathless and flushed underneath him. He watched your chest rise and fall rhythmically as you came down from your high, arm thrown over your hooded eyes. 

And Taehyung’s never seen anything so beautiful. 

He relished in your fucked out state, his dominant side momentarily thrilled as he smiled to himself. He leaned over your panting body, pressing his wet lips to yours. Your arm retracted from your face and welcomed his mouth, kissing him as you tasted yourself on his lips and became horney thinking he was stuffed between your legs seconds ago. 

The sight of your slick glistening around his lips when he detached his mouth made you adore him whole-heartedly. Your hands splayed across his cheeks, thumbs soothing his skin as you admired how much he just gave you in a matter of 20 minutes, far more than you’ve ever received in your entire lifetime. 

The sentiment nearly caught the back of your throat, eyes watering gazing at him, his eyes swimming with warmth. You threw your emotional thoughts away as you simply brought his lips to yours for another passionate kiss, melting into each other. 

He was smoothing over your sides again when your phone suddenly rang next you, startling you both out of the kiss. Your mutually surprised eyes elicited chuckles from the pair of you as you reached over for your buzzing device, viewing the contact name. 

Mother.

“What the fuck?” Your eyebrows knitted together, Taehyung’s lips contorting in question above you. 

“Who is it?” 

“My mother, I should probably answer.” Taehyung was shocked as he lifted himself off you, you rising into a seated position. 

You shuffled to the edge of the counter with an arm over your naked breasts, Taehyung lifting you off the counter and helping you down onto your feet. You nearly stumbled at the jelly-like feeling in your legs until Taehyung caught you from behind, snickering through his nose at what he did to you. 

You playfully narrowed your eyes at him as you clicked the green button on your screen. “Hello?” 

“Ah, Y/N, took you long enough to answer.” 

You rolled your eyes, “You never call, Mother. I was contemplating what person had a gun to your head that would have you calling me.” You quipped, Taehyung snorting as he abandoned you to instead slide the remainder of your dress down your body, leaving you completely naked as you stepped out of it confused. You stood exposed and cold for a second until he nabbed his shirt from the ground, draping it on your shoulders. 

“Very funny. Y/N, but there’s no gun. I’m calling for something important.” You looped your arm into one of his long sleeves, struggling for the other until Taehyung helped it on, turning around to flash him a grateful smile. 

“And what would that be? Your long overdue apology for the last time you saw me?” You spoke harshly, annoyed your mother completely ruined your fun with Taehyung. You pressed the phone to your ear by your shoulder as you buttoned Taehyung’s oversized shirt, turning towards him to mouth ‘can you get me some pants?’ 

He nodded and went off on his way, watching him disappear up onto the second floor as you returned to your suffocating mother. 

“Well, this is far from an apology, Y/N, more like your much needed discipline.” 

“As if that’ll work on me, I don’t even regard you as my mother.” You argued, arms folded as you drowned in Taehyung’s shirt. “What is it?” 

“You should watch your mouth, Y/N, what goes around comes around.” Your mother warned from her end, your attention stolen by Taehyung jogging down the stairs with a pair of your black sweatpants and still attractively shirtless. 

He thought about getting you pants but not a shirt for himself? 

Cute. 

He handed them to you as he drew near and you retrieved the item, pressing a gratified kiss to his chest as he smiled. 

“Says you, mother. You of all people should not be saying that.” You chastised her, hopping into your sweatpants haphazardly. They eventually hung at your hips and you smoothed Taehyung’s shirt over yourself, his arms enveloping you from behind into a snug back hug. 

You filled with butterflies in seconds draping a hand over one of his, not really minding your over-bearing, repulsive mother speaking on the other line. “But at this moment, I think it applies to you more.” 

You quirked your eyebrows, feeling Taehyung’s lips trail senseless kisses down your neck, his hands smoothing your stomach underneath his shirt. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean call your office, Y/N. Taking a day off didn’t do you well.” You instantly became alarmed knowing your mother, expression contorted in bewilderment as you abruptly ended the call with her, dialing someone’s extension at work. 

“Hello? Yeji? Is everything okay at the office? I’m sorry I wasn’t in today and I was just curious-” 

“Y/N!  Oh my God, I was just going to call you, everything’s fucked up.” Your co-worker complained into the phone, clearly shuffling around on their end and it sounded like chaos. 

“What the fuck happened?” 

“I don’t know Y/N, I don’t know but all I know is that we lost the deal.” 

“We what?!” You nearly screeched, catching Taehyung’s attention and he looked at you concerned. 

“We fucking lost the deal. Yun & Ryu called today and said they’re not interested in us for the project anymore, they’re choosing someone else.” 

You were exasperated, Taehyung becoming alarmed by what little he could hear through the receiver, even more at your rising anxiety. “Who the fuck are they choosing instead? We were their pick.” 

“Fucking Min Inc., Y/N! Your dad’s company!” 

And that’s when everything clicked, when you felt like air was sucked out of your lungs, mind collapsing into a million pieces. 

You instantly understood your mother crafted this behind your father’s back, knowing he’s currently abroad and away from headquarters. He’d always been adamant about never intruding on projects you were already pitching for, positive your mother must’ve appealed to whomever else was working this project at your father’s company. She must’ve also influenced or colluded with Yun & Ryu to choose their pitch over your impeccable one, irritating your soul. 

It made you even angrier considering your mother was always notorious for having built connections far and wide in the architecture world, her only real, favourable trait as a businessman’s wife. 

“Fuck.” You swore into the phone. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Okay, tell everyone to stay there, I’m coming right now.” You hung up the phone quickly, running a frustrated hand through your hair as you felt like crying, screaming, just something to get rid of the anger inside you. 

You forgot Taehyung had been holding you this entire time while your blood boiled, his concerned voice sounding out when you removed yourself from his arms. “Y/N, where are you going?” 

“To work, I-I have to go. My mother.. she-” You clutched your fists as you aimlessly paced around, trying to maintain your indignation. 

“What? You have to go? What happened?” 

“That deal, Taehyung! That fucking deal I told you about, she stole it from me. She stole it and I have to get it back, I have to go.” You instantly snatched up your purse and started making it towards the door without a cohesive thought, Taehyung hot on your trail. 

“Princess, wait. I’ll take you, let me put on a shirt and I’ll drive you.” Taehyung offered, but you had no time. 

“No, Tae, it’s okay. I’ll drive myself, you stay home.” You said speedily as you struggled a pair of shoes onto your feet. 

“Just let me drive you, Y/N. I don’t want you going alone like this, and the sun’s already set.” He sounded worried, trying to reach you.  

“It doesn’t matter! I have to go, you don’t need to go that far for me, Taehyung.” You argued, frustrated as your purse kept slipping down your arm. 

“Y/N, just let me help you-”

“Please, Taehyung, please! I just-I need to go, I can handle this myself, okay?” You felt tears prick at your eyes, utterly tired and brimming with so much anger at your mother’s stupid pettiness it was too overwhelming. 

“My mother made this fucking mess because of me, alright? I’m the only one to blame, only I can be blamed. It’s all my fault, and I have to fix it, I have to..” Your voice trailed the more emotional you grew, vision clouding with tears as Taehyung came rushing to you, palms finding your shoulders.

“Hey, hey, Y/N, breathe, okay? You’re fine, it’s going to be fine.” Taehyung tried calming you down, pulling you to his chest for an embrace.  

You took his word and breathed, breathed as much as you could as you felt your emotions simmering down a little, nuzzled into his bare chest. You took one last shaky breath as Taehyung put space between you two, talking to you carefully. 

“Be careful when you’re driving, okay? I remember reading some snow in the forecast tonight.” Taehyung relayed as you stood rubbing at your eyes, trying to clear the tears that managed to escape. Taehyung reached for one of his coats hanging on a hook in the foyer, rounding it about your sullen figure and engulfing you in his coat. 

“It’s cold, and my coat’s warmer. If at any point you feel like you can’t drive, stop by a curbside with a lot of people and call me, okay? I’ll answer right away.” Taehyung assured you like a parent speaking to a child, holding the coat snug around you as your arms barely filled in the sleeves. “I’ll wait for you at home.” 

You nodded to him, snatching your keys from the tray and clutching them in your hand, taking another deep breath. You felt clearer now, determined to clean this mess up rather than dwell on your witch of a mother. 

“I’ll go now.” You said, stuffing your phone into Taehyung’s jacket pocket as he regarded you with anxious eyes, though didn’t let it compromise his dulcet voice. 

“Okay, be safe.” He responded uneasy, biting his lip. You followed the action and pressed a peck to his lips before you gave him a small, understanding smile, turning around as he let you go. You then exited through the door quickly, leaving Taehyung behind all alone. 

And when the house fell eerily silent, he couldn’t help but feel an ache in his chest thinking your smile didn’t meet your eyes. 

prev. ↞ || ↠ next ||  masterlist

extra a/n : i wonder how many people caught onto the way i referenced galaxies in this chapter 👀 (hint - inner child)

tags : @thedarkwinterrose @ayujaded @couldbeyourlast @ladyarmanto @anpanman-sonyeondan @apollukee @blueevelvt @taesluttt @scalubera @laurynne5 @dreamsindreamss @thequeen-kat @awsome-small-k @wrecklesssly @kweenhu @jalexad @koorby @bangforever @dyriddle @aianloveseven @waves-and-woods @hoefortaeshands @veronawrites @nightapple4jk @wataemelonz @aomi-nabi @katbonv @hantaev @jinpuddin @usamizuki @wooya1224 @bambuzlee @jenotation @tangledsparkles @pcyxljh @forbts-only @dumplingley @ccmemoirs @kleritata @thelilbutifulthings @maygem2780 @lachimolala95 @betysotelo18 @prettycoolting @opaljm @jeonlovers @honeyboocal @preciouschimine @enchantaeduniverse @hakko-bby @mrs-jeonjk @marvel-ing-at-it-all @rvdls96 @vaekth @taehyungkittyuwu @multistanbitxh @vantaesy @invincibletaetae @hispoutylips @cafe-gemini @ot7central @iwanttohitmyself @rlynotme @heyitsgracex @mama-m0chi @haileysoup @crystalizedmagic @yoonchrisgullwrites @allie-mcginn @vintageroses10 @ephemeralkookie @rocketxme @honey-littlegirl @croctusjuice @k-fb @itzybitzylovebug @sunas-bby @sugaslittlekookies @kimsamsoon95 @ppeachyttae @defjjks @sakurauchiha2018 @kbiancahirang @highkey-fangirling @bangtan-uwu @3sriracha @lovelyseomin @zippytheshark37 @my-current-mood-is @seolarsyj @drumsofheaven @moonsjoons @svftbaby​ @geekz077 @jeonchokoolate​

[ursaminortarot]

I’m really fixated on romance right now for some reason, so here we are with a soulmate reading. I’m of the belief that we don’t just have romantic soulmates but platonic and familial ones as well. However, for this reading, I am choosing to focus solely on romance.

I’m experimenting with a new format. I linked each of the readings to a google doc, this is mostly because they ended up being way longer than I’d anticipated (story of my life). I also thought that it might be more organized to do it this way. I’d appreciate feedback on whether or not I should keep doing it.

Piles to choose from:

Pile 1 - Cobra

Pile 2 - Fish

Pile 3 - Cheetah

Pile 4 - Zebra

Pile 5 - Hawk

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[Decks Used: Modern Witch Tarot, Wild Unknown Tarot, Wild Unknown Animal Spirit oracle, Tarot Cats, standard playing cards, and a homemade oracle deck]

This took me 10-11 hours to do, spread out across 3 days. So, if you can support my shop or donate I’d be grateful. Also, please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes and small incoherencies, by the time I got around to editing the readings I was kind of over it.

My Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/UrsaMinorTarot

CashApp: @UrsaMinorTarot

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Pile 1: Cobra

Who They Are:

Queen of Wands, 9 of Wands, 8 of Pentacles, King of Clubs

10 of Cups, 7 of Cups r, Justice r, 5 of Hearts

7 of Cups r, 9 of Pentacles r, 6 of Wands, 9 of Diamonds

Death r, 7 of Wands r, 8 of Wands r, Ace of Spades

The High Priestess, The Fool, The Hanged Man r, Ace of Hearts

Mother of Cups r

Winter+New Love

I’m getting some self-made energy here, they are likely a very hard worker who puts in a lot of time and energy. Their success, while appreciated, makes them feel very alone. There’s a lot of wands energy here, so they are generous with their money and it’s possible that other people take advantage of that. The Mother of Cups reversed reinforces this idea as she brings the message: “you give too much of yourself to others”.

The High Priestess, Fool, and Hanged Man being pulled together makes me think they function in two very different ways. Either, they overthink literally everything to the point of never making a decision, or they just do things very impulsively without a second thought.

They want a big, happy family, whatever that means to them. It could involve having children or just having a lot of pets. However, due to past relationships, they no longer feel as though they could trust anyone enough to live out that dream. 

They feel disillusioned with love, which gives them a lot of conflicting emotions. Because, again, there’s a lot of wands energy, so they’re a very passionate person. Their current belief that love isn’t real is a direct contradiction to who they are at their core. Winter and new love could be taken literally, like you’ll meet and fall in love with them in the winter. Or, if you wanted to look deeper at it, it could mean that you help them get out of this place of being unable to consider love.

How You Can Recognize Them:

8 of Cups r, Son of Wands, 7 of Wands r, King of Diamonds

5 of Pentacles, Father of Cups, 3 of Swords, Jack of Hearts

The Devil r, The Fool, The Devil, 2 of Spades

10 of Pentacles, The High Priestess r, Queen of Hearts

The Hermit, 7 of Pentacles r, 10 of Cups r, 7 of Diamonds

Hanged man, 4 of Cups r, 10 of Diamonds r

“You’re having trouble getting in touch with your emotions”

“You’re not seeing clearly”

Ex

This person has an unmistakable light about them. Being with them is like sitting outside on a nice day soaking up the sun. However, they are still holding on to the past, and this is to their detriment. When you meet them, if you haven’t already, they will be extremely hung up on their ex. They are going to be obsessing over what went wrong and whether or not they can fix it. I can’t tell if they want to fix it to get back together with their ex, because they think it will give them closure, or because they think it will help them avoid making the same mistakes in their next relationship. But, they also don’t actually want to fix anything because that would mean confronting their emotions and they would really rather not. They will likely seem to be existing outside of reality, they are going to be so distracted by this internal conflict that they aren’t going to notice the world around them.  

In all honesty, they will be very difficult for you to recognize. You’ll probably notice them because of their light, but you won’t (and shouldn’t) consider them a potential partner - at least not until they’ve dealt with their issues and moved on. I want to stress that while they are so focused on their past relationship(s), that’s not all they have going on. They are a 3 dimensional human being like the rest of us, but this is just the information I was able to get.

I also want to mention that their family is very important to them, they’re the type of person to call or text each member of their immediate family every day. I also get the impression that you two will be friends for a while before getting into a relationship. 

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Pile 2: Fish

Who They Are:

Queen of Swords, 9 of Wands, 9 of Cups r, The Tower r, Jack of Spades

King of Swords, Daughter of Wands, 3 of Pentacles, 8 of Diamonds

Judgment r, 2 of Cups r, Daughter of Swords r, The Chariot r, 3 of Spades

5 of Pentacles, Temperance, 7 of Wands, Jack of Hearts

The Emperor, 8 of Pentacles, The Magician r, Ace of Wands, 4 of Spades

“I’m sorry”

Best friends 

Between the Emperor and having all of the court cards of the Swords suit, this person has a very powerful presence. They’re almost the kind of person that makes people stop and stare, I say almost because they’re intimidating and people don’t want to be caught staring. Not intimidating in a scary way, they just - and I can’t stress this enough - exude power. They are also very ambitious and highly intelligent. So when they put their mind to something, they will execute it perfectly. Or, at least, they want people to think it was done perfectly. They have a very “everything’s under control” look to them, but they’re barely hanging on by a thread. I feel like one bad day would send them into an existential spiral, because they don’t know who they are if they’re not perfect. 

Nothing’s ever come easily to them and they’ve had to fight their whole life to get the things that they have now. They’ve never had the option of giving up. If they gave up, they were worthless, they were nothing - that’s how they’ve always seen it. I imagine there’s a lot of parental pressure at play here. It’s turned them into a workaholic, there’s no work-life balance to be found. I’m getting the impression that the “I’m sorry” card has to do with this aspect of their life. 

The “best friends” card speaks for itself. With the Jack of Hearts and Daughter of Wands, there’s a playful energy to them. But these are the only cards pointing this out, which tells me that they restrain this part of themself. I think that you being their friend, as well as their partner, will show them that they don’t need to be so serious all the time. This is something buried so deep it’ll need some time and energy to be coaxed out of them.  

This is pretty obvious, but this person’s biggest fear is failure.

How You Can Recognize Them:

Knight of Wands r, 4 of Wands r, 8 of Cups, 9 of Swords

King of Pentacles, The Moon r, 7 of Swords r, Queen of Spades

5 of Pentacles, Mother of Swords, Queen of Wands, 4 of Hearts

Queen of Cups, Daughter of Swords r, Knight of Wands

7 of Cups r, Son of Swords, 4 of Pentacle, 5 of Diamonds

The World r, 9 of Wands r, 8 of Hearts r

You feel as if you aren’t getting the recognition you deserve

Seperation

We’re definitely seeing their more sensitive, playful aspects. However, these are still vastly overpowered by their Swords energy as, once again, all the court cards are out - the Queen’s out twice. Seriously, this person has such powerful energy that it’s the first thing you notice.

I feel like you’ll meet either at work or at school, somewhere where you’re working on a group project together. The people you’re working with aren’t going to take your contributions seriously. But, once they realize you’re right, they’ll claim they were  their ideas all along. The Swords family is very fair-minded, so I think this person’s going to have a problem with that.  

They have this very detached, uninterested persona and once you’ve spent time around your soulmate, you’re going to pick up on the fact that they are deeper than they want people to think they are. When they’re more comfortable with you, which will take some time, you might catch glimpses of them being competitive/hot-headed or they’ll start making jokes around you. If you’re patient enough, they’ll eventually be vulnerable with you.

They have a fear of the unknown and love is foreign to them, so this is definitely a slow-burn. 

In both of these readings I got a wave of pretty interesting energy. It wasn’t anxiety or dizziness, but felt similar to both. I felt like I lost my balance, that’s probably how you'll make this person feel. They have a lot of plans for life and you’re not one of them, so they’ll be thrown for a loop. 

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Pile 3: Cheetah:

Who They Are:

Page of Swords r, Son of Cups, The Hierophant, 9 of Clubs

Page of Wands, Mother of Wands r, Page of Cups r, 4 of Hearts

9 of Cups, The Tower, 2 of Swords, 2 of Cups, Ace of Clubs

Queen of Wands r, The Chariot r, Queen of Pentacles, 4 of Spades

Knight of Pentacles, Ace of Wands, Emperor r,  6 of Clubs

8 of Cups, King of Wands

You can’t help everyone

Over-investment in work

Aries

The first thing that I’m seeing is that this person will probably have some self-esteem issues. It seems to be tied to their abilities more so than appearance.

They have a lot of ideas for projects that they want to work on, but they never seem to start anything, let alone finish. I think this is because they try to be everything to everyone and don’t prioritize themself. They find contentment in the idea that everybody likes them, but this can make them a people pleaser. This can lead to them taking on long hours at work to make their boss happy. It’s also unrealistic because there’s not a person on Earth that’s universally liked. I think this is something they’ll come to realize in their own time.

They may come across as indecisive at times, they aren’t. They always know exactly what they want, but can have a hard time asserting themself. 

There’s a fire that burns bright here, this person has a lot of drive and ambition. This is where that aries energy comes in, they don’t have to have aries placements so please don’t get fixated on that. But, like I said before, they hold themself back by prioritizing other people and neglecting their own needs. They have the potential to be really successful, however they need to start putting themself first. 

This seems like a very sensitive individual, just the thought of doing something under-handed stresses them out. Which is a good thing for other people, because your soulmate’s very charming and could probably talk themself out of anything.

For some reason I get the impression that they have a bit of a sweet tooth.

How You Can Recognize Them:

2 of Swords r, The Empress, Queen of Cups, 3 of Hearts

9 of Pentacles r, Judgment r, The Moon, 10 of Spades

The Fool, Mother of Wands r, Hierophant r, Jack of Diamonds

The Chariot r, The Hermit, 4 of Wands, Joker B&W r

3 of Pentacles, 4 of Wands r, Knight of Wands, 4 of Spades

King of Cups r, The Magician r

You’re having trouble getting in touch with your emotions

September

Think before you speak

Let’s start with the reinforcements of their self-esteem issues, as well as their people pleasing tendencies. It’s exhausting for them, emotionally and physically. They are well and truly holding themself back, and I think that by the time you meet them they’ll be starting to examine these aspects of themself. This will be something they struggle with for a while and there may be a period of time where they withdraw to think things through.  

The joker in black and white in standard decks is my fool reversed card, but it’s reversed so its the fool reversed reversed. The fool upright, I feel like there could have been a simpler way for my cards to get that message to me. But I also feel like it represents the way your person talks to themself, they make everything just a little bit more complicated than it needs to be. They think in circles, eventually getting to the point but it may take them a while. This may be a contributing factor to their perceived indecisiveness. 

 They want to make a home with you. I get the impression that when talking about it with you, they’ll appear to be cool and collected. Like it’s not a big deal to them. But then they’ll turn around and shout it from the rooftops. It won’t be possible for people to not know you’re together, they’ll just be so loud about it. 

Outside of the need to make everybody like them, they’re a pretty care-free individual. It will be important to them that you have fun together. I think this playfulness is their most defining feature and probably the first thing people notice about them.  

In the first two piles, it looked like they’d be friends for a while before getting into a relationship with their person. That’s not the case here, like I said before, when this person knows, they know. They’re not going to waste time with you.  

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Pile 4: Zebra

Who They Are:

The Fool, The Hanged Man,  Queen of Swords, Ace of Clubs

6 of Swords r, 2 of Wands, The Hanged Man, Ace of Hearts

Ace of Cups, Mother of Pentacles r, 4 of Wands, Jack of Spades,

3 of Swords r, The Magician, 10 of Pentacles, Queen of Cups r, Jack of Diamonds

3 of Cups, The High Priestess, Strength, The Fool r, King of Spades

Soulmate 

Hostile

May

The first thing I’m picking up on is that your soulmate is someone who is very carefree. They also have a lot of romantic energy to them, so they are definitely a hopeless romantic.

The amount of Major Arcana here tells me that this person is likely very spiritually gifted, they might not be consciously aware of this.

This person is kind of a go-getter. Once they decide they want something, nothing’s getting in their way.

There are some conflicting energies here because as happy and carefree as they are, there’s an equal amount of pain and hardship. This is someone who’s faced a lot of hostility, so at first will be fairly guarded. They love the idea of being in love, but have difficulties opening themself up to the reality of love. It’s not all bad, they are making an active effort to heal and not let past heartbreak hold them back.

With the Magician and High Priestess facing each other, this is someone who is likely very in touch with their spirituality. Not only are they able to  trust their intuition, but they also have everything that they need to follow it. Once they have a gut feeling about something, whatever it is, they will trust it more than they’ll trust you, and be right 90% of the time.

 They are very compassionate and probably are used to giving more than they take, which gets them taken advantage of. Part of their growth is going to be finding a balance in this aspect of their life. 

This is someone who values family and most likely wants some kind of family unit, whether that be having children or pets. 

The month of May might be important, it could be when you meet or one of you could be a Taurus or a Gemini.

How You Can Recognize Them:

Ace of Cups, 3 of Pentacles r, 8 of Wands, 2 of Swords

Page of Cups, Justice r, 5 of Cups, 7 of Clubs

King of Pentacles, 10 of Cups, Strength r, 2 of Diamonds

2 of Pentacles r, 9 of Cups r, Queen of Wands, King of Diamonds

Death, The Hierophant, Page of Wands, 9 of Spades 

Sensitive

Peaceful

There’s still time to change your mind.

One of their prominent characteristics is their sensitivity. This doesn’t mean that they’re crybabies, they are just very mindful of everybody's feelings. This paired with what we learned about the painful parts of their past probably makes them a little insecure. This insecurity is only a problem when it comes to relationships. They may come across as very confident and flirty, but as soon as it moves past that they start clamming up and getting nervous. It could be bad enough that they have a hard time believing that you actually want to be with them.

They invest a lot of time into their projects, whether work related or personal. It’s likely that they struggle with finding a work-life balance. This is someone who needs to feel productive at every moment of the day. They keep themself busy so that they don’t need to be alone with their thoughts. This isn’t someone that knows peace. It is something they’d like to experience, but they don’t know how to. They have too many thoughts and can’t quiet their mind, their inner-demons get the best of them at times. This isn’t something they express outwardly though, everyone around them probably sees them as someone who, while busy, is fairly laid back. They need a lot of guidance here so if you’re someone who meditates, this could be something you help them with.

It’ll be easiest for you to recognize them based on their sensitivity and active lifestyle. They will be extremely helpful to their friends and family, and would drop everything to be there if needed. They are also, surprisingly down-to-earth. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pile 5: Hawk

Who They Are:

5 of Cups, Judgment, Queen of Wands, Queen of Spades

Knight of Wands r, 10 of Wands r, 5 of Pentacles r, 3 of Diamonds

7 of Cups r, The Fool r, 10 of Pentacles, King of Spades

2 of Swords r, 9 of Cups, 3 of Cups r, 3 of Spades

The High Priestess r, 3 of Pentacles, Magician r, 9 of Diamonds

“You’re my everything.”

You need to hold yourself to more reasonable standards.

This is someone with a lot of pain, they are overwhelmed and feel defeated. I’m getting the impression that it has to do primarily with work/co-workers. It could be that they put a lot of themself into their work and seem to always get passed up for promotions, or they could have even been recently laid off. They’re very ambitious and intelligent, so if they did get laid off, it would be a big hit to their ego. Alternatively, they could have almost reached a long-standing dream, only for it to fall apart at the last second. 

Your soulmate has a lot of fiery passion that they don’t always know what to do with, so they turn everything into a competition. The thing is, they’re only competing with themself. They’re always trying to be better than they were yesterday, even when it’s unrealistic. 

As passionate as they are, they can be very patient when it comes to getting what they want. They know that not everything can be rushed, even if that’s frustrating to them. They try to avoid making reckless mistakes, but sometimes this can lead to them not making decisions in a timely manner. 

They value family and friends greatly, this could be the most important part of their life to them. They’ll test you to see if you can gain the approval of their loved ones. If you don’t, they may begin to have second thoughts. This is a soulmate though, so you’ll likely be very compatible and win everyone over with relative ease. 

How You Can Recognize Them:

5 of Pentacles, The Moon, 4 of Swords, 5 of Clubs

King of Pentacles, Judgment, 5 of Swords r, King of Wands r, 7 of Diamonds

2 of Swords r, Daughter of Pentacles, 5 of Pentacles r, 3  of Clubs

Temperance r, Son of Wands r, High Priestess r, 7 of Swords r, Jack of Clubs 

6 of Swords r, The Tower r, Page of Pentacles r, 5 of Hearts

You are not seeing clearly

Hesitant

When You meet this person, they will be coming out of a very rough period of their life. They are going to be at the start of their healing journey and they won’t have a lot of time or energy for romance. They’re likely very hard on themself, they don’t want to be seen as weak so they don’t express negative emotions. This is something they have to confront in order to heal.

They are going to be in a complicated headspace, there’s going to be difficulty separating the past from the present, and there’s not a lot of balance between their spiritual and physical lives. They either reject the spiritual to embrace the material world, or neglect their physical well-being and focus solely on their spiritual self. 

You know how some people use their trauma as an excuse to inflict pain on others? This person’s the opposite of that, everything they’ve gone through has made them a patient, compassionate person. This will probably be one of the first things you notice about them, how kind they are. They are also very dependable, they’ve experienced going through hard times alone and don’t want anyone else to feel like they have to. 

Overall, they come across as a very good human being, but there’s an underlying tiredness to them. They might be dealing with a little bit of brain fog, so at times they’re slow to process the world around them.

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Charles Schulz vs Andrew Dobson: What a Blockhead!

There are certain things about Dobson’s behavior and particularly his approach at being a nerd and presenting himself as someone who enjoys the art of storytelling that I have issues with. Issues I want to tackle on in more detail within later entries quite a bit.

One such tendency is, that he mocks directly or indirectly the work and accomplishments of others.

See, if Dobson doesn’t like you as a content creator because he does not like something you work on, he will try to show it. He will make stupid assumptions of you (like how he accused Kojima of being a sexist creep because of Quiet and how he deals with “male gaze” in MGS compared to Death Stranding), half heartedly mock you (look at anything he makes about Ethan Van Sciver) or he will call a piece of work boring and dull based on a minor element instead of overarching problems (calling Batman the character a white supremacist based on the dumb work of only one author).

By doing that he also tries indirectly to insinuate that he is better in some manner, though most of the time it really just shows his own ego and that his pet peeves are rather petty compared to the overall quality of the work he criticizes as well as its flaws.

One such sight of ego boosting while mocking the work of his better is in my opinion to be found in this comic he uploaded sometimes around 2016/17 randomly online.

This comic in my opinion is both laughable and insulting. Why? I will explain soon.

First however I want to clarify that I get that this comic is supposed to be a joke mostly. The old “What others expect, what I expect” thing, where the punchline is supposed to be the discrepancy between the two fractions and what they expect, mostly by making one of the expectations come off as worse than the other. However, I find the punchline to be Charlie Brown (and as such what Dobson seems to see as something he does not want to be favorable compared too) quite insulting. Why, as I said, will be elaborated on sooner.

First, let me just get on the part I find laughable: The fact that Dobson in his own head seems to believe he can be even remotely compared to people like Paul Dinni, Bruce Timm, Greg Weismann, Justin Roiland, Miyazaki, Shigeru Miyamoto and all the other character creators and animators whose creations we see in the first panel.

 Dobson, don’t make me laugh. Putting aside the fact that those people are animators more than cartoonists, what makes you even believe in your wildest dreams you are on the same level as them? The fact you too are an animator, seeing how you graduated from an art school with a degree in that field? I have seen your contributions to the field and honestly, I would expect a bit more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0tdWNCrIxo

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps6PfiUCxHQ

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PyonOqClf8

 I give you credit, you can animate. Which is more than I can say for myself when it comes to the arts. But when you look what other freelance animators can do online, some of them younger than you and NOT with a degree in animation…

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=64&v=FmkAcGz1BJk&feature=emb_title

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97IfPfjSaDg

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEUoxQ4qSfs

 Viviepop’s demo reels alone are just gorgeous to look at and more fluid than what I have seen of you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFlha-KOKCc

 And it is not just the technical quality, Dobson. It is also just the overall “originality” of your work. Cause this is the thing with those animators hinted on in the first pic and even many, many freelancers/fanartists as well as webcomic creators online: They have a spark of originality in presentation and storytelling that you lack. I will one day go more into detail for that, but here is the most brutal thing I can say at the moment: I know shitty porn fanfictions, that have more plot development and character growth than all of Alex ze Pirate.

Your characters and stories tend to be derivative and you barely take any risks in telling a story. Neither in your fanbased work (like the Miraculous comics) nor your original content (mostly because you take comfort in four panel strips anyway)  and when you have an idea for something on which the basis idea actually sounds good, you screw it up by a lackluster execution. One example I want to give for that, would be this fanart of yours in regard to Steven Universe.  

(I apologize for not getting one in better quality) This pic was something Dobson created around 2015 for Steven Universe. The picture is supposed to show Lapis, trapped under the ocean following the events of the season 1 finale of the show. A very emotional situation if you are aware of why Lapis sacrificed herself and was “banned” to the ocean floor. Short explanation: Fused with Jasper and then took primarily control of the fused being they became (Malachite) by using her water powers to bond it with heavy water chains on the ocean floor, so that Jasper would not hurt Steven anymore.

 How much of that was even an emotional strain on her and her psyche was in one episode of season 2 even a theme, as seen here.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK3l8mGNhMg

 I am not even a fan of the show and I get the emotional weight and impact of Lapis actions.

So… why is that not conveyed in the artwork? If you are so talented Dobson, why is none of the strain and despair on the character? The idea of a pic showing Lapis under water, longingly looking up, even in despair is a good basis for a fanart. But the execution lacks any emotional detail. You want to know how I would execute the thing if I had the artistic talent? Make the picture a huge horizontal pic, where we slowly decent from water surface down the ocean. The light getting dimmer. Blue turning into dark. The silhouette of a hand and an arm similar to Malachite’s in the background, trying to travel up, the fingertips barely touching the surface. Heavy chains around the flesh. Symbolic of the fusion trying to break free and cause havoc. And down on the dark bottom, beaten and exhausted Lapis with tears in her eyes and chains all over her body like she is Jacob Marley, desperately trying to keep Malachite at bay for the sake of the only being on earth who ever showed just a little bit of kindness towards her.

 Why can’t we have something like this here, Dobson? If you were even remotely as original as the creators you want to be compared with, I think you could come up with something like that and perhaps even draw it.

But you know, his delusions of being as good as them is one thing. It is even funny.

Pissing over the Peanuts is another. Dobson, what are you trying to hint at?

That people comparing you to Charles Schulz and his creation is in your eyes automatically a sort of insult? That it is something that should at best only be a mockable punchline in a comparison?

Just to clarify a few things: I am NOT much of a fan of Charlie Brown and the Peanuts as a property. As a child, I was just not very entertained by them. Yes, I saw animated movies, episodes and specials of them here and there and my grandparents gave me volumes of them to read, but as a whole I never thought them quite as entertaining than other comics or cartoons I watched. Some parts of Peanuts animation felt to me often times like just dead air (especially parts of Snooby dancing with Woodstuck, as they had no function to move the plots forward) and I really could not stand how some characters treat Charles on a regular basis. I mean, we all agree that Lucy is one of the worst female characters in fiction and that even while we hate Family Guy, this clip likely gave some of us some sort of satisfaction, right?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZkJAx8FycI

 But before the Peanuts fan out there go and want my head on a silver platter, let me make one thing clear: I may not like the Peanuts franchise… but I respect it and the man behind it.

 Charles Schulz drew the comic strip from October 1950 till late 1999 (the final strip being finished months before it would be published on February 13 of 2000, one day after he died of colon cancer) , creating a total amount of 17,897 Peanuts’ strips. His work marks a major impact in the nature of newspaper comic strips and inspired many people out there, including Bill Watterson, to create comics or be in the field of animation. His achievements include among other things, that he created what many people consider the first animated Christmas special ever. The names of his creations became nicknames for the Apollo 10 command module and its’ lunar modul. Four of the five Peanuts movies in existence (animated made for tv specials not withstanding now) were written by him. And the fifth was only not by him, because that one came out in 2015, a decade and a half after he died.

And speaking of things Schulz wrote for the Peanuts, let me mention two things. Two things that though I am not a fan of the Peanuts, I have mad respect for existing in the realm of animation. Two animated specials that stuck with me ever since I was eight.

 “What have we learnt, Charlie Brown?” from 1983 and “Why, Charlie Brown, Why?” from 1990.

 In the first special, which functions as a semi sequel to the fourth Peanuts’ movie “Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown”, the characters actually travel across France and after ending up on Omaha Beach and Ypres the special turns into a tribute to the soldiers who fought in World War 1 and 2, elaborating on the sacrifices made during the war by showing actual footage of fights, recordings of Eisenhower and reciting the poem “In Flanders Fields” among other things. Do you know how impactful it is to learn about the world wars as a small kid, by being reminded of the actual sacrifices others made in order for your own grandparents to survive?

 And speaking of grandparents, I lost my grandmother as a child by cancer. So when I saw the second special I mentioned, you can bet it stuck with me. After all, of all the things in the world, the Peanuts addressing the seriousness of cancer by having a story where a friend of Linus is diagnosed with leukemia and we follow the emotional impact it has on Linus and the girl? Again, I may not like the franchise, but I am not ashamed to admit I think the special treats the subject with a lot of respect and dignity while telling a good story. You bet your ass I get a bit teary eyed when the little girl survives her leukemia treatment and finally gets on that swing again. Those two specials alone are more mature than ¾ of the shit Dobson likes to gosh about, including his oh so precious gay space rocks. And just for those things existing I have respect for Schulz, his creation and the impact it had on so many people. As such, Dobson “belittling” the Peanuts, at least for me, is a freaking insult. The only way Dobson could have been even more insulting is if he called Schulz something derogative.  Dobson should be glad if his life’s work in total could even amount to 10% of what Schulz has done and achieved.

 Cause Dobson, you are NOT a Charles Schulz. Schulz served during the second world war on the front, fighting actual Nazis instead of calling idiots on the internet fascists for not liking Star Wars. He had integrity and work ethics that drove him to draw and write over 17.000 strips, while you can not even finish one FREAKING story. He knew how to tackle a mature subject, while you make shitty shipping jokes involving Ladybug and Cat Noir and claim Steven Universe knows how to be about psychological trauma, when it just romanticizes abuse. He may have drawn simplistically, but at least he could tell a joke instead of constantly berating others for not sharing his opinion. He did all of that and more without having graduated from college.

 And what have you done, Andrew Dobson?

If Dobson reads this, there is one thing in my opinion he should take away from more than anything else: That if people compare him to Charles Schulz’s work, that it means a) he should not be ashamed of it and b) they overestimate him.

[realchemistry]

Jamie Johnson BAFTA Q&A Full transcript

14:02:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Good evening, everyone and welcome to this special BAFTA event as part of Pride Month. I'm Alex Kay-Jelski. I'm the editor in chief of the athletic and I'm going to be moderating a discussion of Jamie Johnson, Tackling Issues Head On.

14:03:09 I'm sure you have seen the incredible episodes that have been airing recently and before we have a great discussion with your panelists. I have bits of housekeeping. Live captioning is available if needed on this, click the option at the bottom of your Zoom panel. Also, we will be taking questions later, because we want to answer your big queries, but to do that, use the Q&A button at the bottom. We will not see you on the chat function.

14:03:44 I will give you a five minute warning to get the questions in and we will get in as many as we can in the next hour. So here we are, Jamie Johnson, what an incredible, incredible few episodes as we saw Dillon comes to terms or start to terms with his sexuality and being gay and coming out in a time of him being a starring footballer and how difficult that was for hill.

14:04:17 I think in a world where a lot of people feel comfortable going to football grounds, not like anyone is allowed at football grounds right now, unfortunately. With people coming to terms with who they are, trying to speak to their family about it, trying to speak to their friends about it. Really moving, fantastic drama.

14:04:39 We're going to talk to the key people and try to explain why it is so important and what effect it had and will continue to have. So I will stop prattling on because you are probably bored of hearing from me because there are far more interesting people to hear from.

14:04:58 We have Shaun Duggan the lead writer on Jamie Johnson. He has been BAFTA nominated alongside of Jimmy from the accused and he is famous for righting the lesbian kiss in brook side. I'm old enough to remember that.

14:05:33 Next, we have actors Laquarn Lewis and Patrick Ward, so hello to you two. We have Cheryl Taylor. Cheryl is the head of content of BBC Children and she commissioned Jamie Johnson and all of the BBC content, that is hard to say when you say it quickly for television and online.

14:06:03 For now, we have Hugo Scheckter who is the head of Player Care of West Ham United. Later, we have an extra because we're going to be joined by the executive producer Anita Burgess who produces Jamie Johnson for BBC. Lots of people with lots of things to say. We should get started, shouldn't we?

14:06:32 I'm going to talk to Shaun first, because I think you're the best persons to answer this question. Jamie Johnson has always been a huge success, we're in series five now, great ratings, lots of interest, telling really, really important stories that reflect sort of the lives of children and teenagers. Why do you think the show has been so popular and why does it engage this audience so well?

14:07:07 >> Shaun Duggan: I think for what you have said and from the outset, we wanted to tell a show that felt very real and reflect the lives of our young audience and not patronize or condescend them. My background is working on soap operas and other stuff and this was rarely the first big show I worked on in children's drama.

14:07:40 I have to say, I didn't approach it any differently. I approached it in the same way as I would an adult drama. Obviously, there are things you have to be careful of in terms of language, but in terms of thinking of challenge in story, thinking about what reflects the young audience as lives, what is important to them and just in terms and I'm sure we'll talk more later about how the whole Dillon story came about.

14:08:08 If I could say from a personal experience, when I was younger, I could I've with the show because I'm football mad, working-class background, I remember my dad carrying me over the turnstiles and slipping the man some cash and all I wanted to do was play football in the street and that is why I was obsessed with going to every game I could.

14:08:39 Then I got to about 11 and things changed because suddenly all I play football with didn't want to be my friend anymore and people started saying I was gay, queer, in the 80'S, I did not know what these things were. It I just knew I was something bad and something to be ashamed of and things got worse where I was not welcome to play football anymore.

14:09:14 People turned their backs on me and all through senior school, for me personally, I had a hellish experience. I left school without any qualifications and not just talking verbal bullying, I'm talking getting beaten up most days, so school became about survival. I couldn't turn to the teachers. You were not allowed to talk about gay issue, I couldn't go  home and tell my own family.

14:10:04 They were homophobic, not homophobic in a bad way, but we didn't know and I know firsthand how isolating and lonely, you know that is to be a young, gay person. I know things have changed to a degree, but in terms of education these things aren't talked enough within school, so to get this opportunity to tell a story like this in children's drama, I have to say a massive thank you to Cheryl and everyone at CBBC. If they don't support it and go along with it, then it wouldn't happen.

14:10:31 I have to say I found it very emotional seeing these stories going out on screen last week, not only that but everything around it, the support on news, the presenters after they talked to the audience and it is OK to be yourself and it made me proud to be a part of it and how far we have come.

14:10:46 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Do you think producing a show like this plays a role a little bit, a small role in helping the next generation of kids who are growing up, teenagers who are coming to terms with who they are, they don't have to go through what you have gone through.

14:11:24 >> Shaun Duggan: Absolutely, it is all cliche really, but if people say, if we telling this story, we can help one person not to feel -- let them know they are not on their own it is really worth doing. You mentioned at the intro, I did the lesbian kiss, which is almost 30 years ago now, but to this day, people who are in their 50s or whatever will approach me and when I meet them and you can tell people are in isolated communities with a traditional family.

14:11:34 The impact of seeing that story line on screen and making it feel less alone and that is so powerful.

14:11:54 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Cheryl, does the BBC have a role to play in that sense in trying to reassure people like this program does and let them know they are not alone? How important is it when you're choosing which programs to put on air does that come into play?

14:12:31 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks, Alex. It is really important to us.  Obviously, as a public service board, we are there to inform and to entertain and I think we want the children who are watching our shows to feel good about themselves and feel informed. I think it is key. It sets us apart from other broadcasters and listening to Shaun there, such a powerful story that he has told, not just on Jamie Johnson, but to us here this evening.

14:13:02 I think, I don't know how old Shaun is, but he looks younger than someone who wrote brookside 30 years ago. When I was the age of Patrick and Laquarn, I would not have had any role models and it is fantastic that people are able to write these important stories and we very much want to reflect them.

14:13:31 I have to point out it takes a special kind of writer and special performer to achieve what Jamie Johnson has achieved and the whole production team as well. A lot of people have talked about authenticity at the moment and to hear Shaun talk about the story that has woven into a football series.

14:14:06 Jamie Johnson has been around for a long time and to artfully weave that story, in a sense, I don't think any of the fans or viewers would have felt in a sense they were being preached at or lectured, which I think is amazing. I think Patrick has taken us through Dillon's journey in a way that Shaun has given us the story, a coming of age story, someone finding his identity and that is something all kids will be going through. They will all be looking for signals and for help.

14:14:42 It is hard being a kid and hard growing up, so you know, absolutely, I think the BBC is the platform for this type of story, but fair play to these guys. They told it beautifully. I was seeing the comments on Patrick and Laquarn's Insta and there are people saying this is amazing and this is great to seeing this happen. People have written, what an amazing episode of Jamie Johnson. It is such a valuable series.

14:14:49 I'm grateful to Shaun and all of the team for telling the story so beautifully.

14:15:12 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun, how do you write for a teenage and child audience? How do you get insides of the heads of teenagers and people of that age and make it relevant to them? As been mentioned in this call already, you are not a teenager anymore.

14:15:44 >> Shaun Duggan: No, but I thank Cheryl for the comments they am older than you might realize. I have lots of nieces, nephew, firstly, we have all been teenagers so I have been there. But I have nieces and nephews and so many of my friends' children love Jamie Johnson. In the past, for example, I tried to incorporate stories being relevant.

14:15:58 We had Dillon being diabetic in an earlier series because my friend's daughter was diagnosed with type I diabetes and that is where the idea came from, so you draw from all of those experiences.

14:16:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, do you remember the day they came to you with the idea of this story line and how did that feel? It is quite a responsibility, I guess.

14:16:41 >> Patrick Ward: Sure, I do remember the day, actually, before every series, I would meet with Shaun and Anita and talk about the next year and this idea was brought forward. To be honest, while a lot of people may see it as being a surprise, when you look back over Dillon's journey, it made a lot of sense and as playing Dillon, it felt organic and needed in society as well.

14:16:56 Yeah, definitely, I think that is really important as well, I have younger brothers and sisters who fancy the star and to see their response and other people, it has been brilliant.

14:17:20 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How many barriers do you think there are to breakdown? For example, hopefully, this makes a lot of people feel more comfortable and better about themselves, but realistically, when you went and told your friends about this twist in Dillon's character, were you nervous about the response that you would get? Has that been positive?

14:17:42 >> Patrick Ward: I suppose you are nervous, for me especially with negative feedback, it is more kind of, like what Shaun was talk about earlier, it shows that it is perform that we're doing this story line. When you see negative feedback, which is not a lot of it to be fair, most of it is positive, but I think it is important.

14:18:03 People around me responded very well and my family was very supportive and is very forward thinking. I was proud to be doing it and I didn't care what other people had to say about it negative thinking, because I'm honored to be a part of it.

14:18:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, how did you feel that? Do you think Jamie Johnson has a unique way of telling a story like this?

14:18:45 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, I think it is unique in terms of the way he told the story, because any story can educate people on coming out and finding your own sexuality, but Jamie Johnson has done this through an industry which seems to be gay in football, especially and they tackled this on one of their main characters and followed the journey of his homophobic past with himself, his younger brother and dad.

14:19:16 He was only sharing the homophobic because that is what he was used to around his family and maybe his football team, you know, so the fact he had to hold it in for so long and hide who he is because of his passion for football. Jamie Johnson told an amazing story and did an amazing job of getting it across and you can be who you want to be no matter what your dreams are.

14:19:49 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think it is great that he was not playing into people's stereotypes as well. Some people like to think what they know what a gay person looks like, talks like, walks like, right, Dillon did not fit the stereotypes. Hugo, I don't know if you had the same thing, but when I came out, a lot of people were like, oh, we didn't see that coming necessarily, which is fine but you wish they had known it was coming because it was less of a surprise.

14:20:06 I think the fact that Dillon was not what some people would expect is a great thing for the audience because it makes them think about their own assumptions and prejudices, if you don't mind.

14:20:31 >> Shaun Duggan: I hope you don't mind me jumping, in but it made the story more interesting. The audience had these expectations of Dillon that someone like him wouldn't be gay, so therefore, that makes it more challenging.

14:20:48 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Yeah, absolutely. Did you, Patrick, Laquarn get involved in the story line or were you good boys and did what you were told?

14:21:07 >> Patrick Ward: Well, we rehearsed beforehand, actually in this house, in the next room. Laquarn came with someone we have known for a long time and rehearsed this kind of thing. I think it is very important as well.

14:21:42 >> Laquarn Lewis: He made us do games where we had to get to know each other really well before we shoot the scenes, so the story that we were telling was truthful. We had to do this one task and we had to look at each other and we couldn't smile and we had to keep pushing each other. He did so many games to get us on to a level where our relationship outside of acting could really like grow for our onset acting and I think that helped a lot.

14:22:10 >> Patrick Ward: I was going to say it is interesting because if you look at Dillon when he meets Elliot, it is like when he first sees him. It is like there is something that goes on insides of his brain. He doesn't understand what it is, but there is something and it is new and it happens very quickly, so I think it is important that me and Laquarn were able to understand each other as people and actors beforehand, definitely.

14:22:28 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Absolutely. We touched on this is a little, Cheryl, but outside of this show, generally, do you feel the BBC has a responsibility to put forward stories that represent underrepresented parts of audiences?

14:23:08 >> Cheryl Taylor: Yes, I was just thinking there when Shaun was talking about Patrick having diabetes just using Jamie Johnson as an example and this is one example of one of many, many dramas that we do. The different storylines that people judge as mainly football drama. We covered Jamie's family and kids looking after sick parents, so young carers, we had the homophobia, we had bullying. Just in that one series, you have a set of writers and producers and commissioners

14:23:50 Who intend to broaden the scope to be as inclusive and relevant as many kids as possible. Someone was talking about we know a lot of girls watch Jamie Johnson as well, so across the piece, it is important that all of our brands have a broad appeal. I think, I know I sound like I'm heaping praise on these wonderful creators but because I think they deserve it in this one drama. Secret life of boys, all of these shows on the surface, you can say this is a comedy, this is a drama.

14:24:19 Under beneath of that, every episode addresses these issues and reflects many of the audience's lives as many as possible and giving them tools and strategies to manage their own lives. I do think suggest a scale and a specialty skill and I don't think anyone watching the show would argue that they have done it incredibly well. It is very important.

14:24:44 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is it, isn't it? We can talk about sport and football and LBGTQ relationships in a minute, but Jamie Johnson, this story line is a show about football largely, but the story line is not about football. You can be any young more than or older person who doesn't have the courage to come out or the opportunity to come out and see that.

14:24:59 Hopefully, be confident and inspired by it. This is not about football, right, either of you, this is show to reach out to a much, much wider audience.

14:25:27 >> Cheryl Taylor: As I say it is about identities, rites of passage, coming of age and the journey that Dillon goes on, especially the extraordinary scene with his dad, for any kid, you know who is thinking about a difficult conversation that they might want to have, that would have been key. That would have been crucial and the fact that he goes to speak to Jamie. He reaches out to his friends and gets advice.

14:25:51 That is where the beauty of having Elliot there who has gone through this before, who has to some degree come to terms with his identity and that gives lots of information, lots of hope, useful take out for kids who are watching and feeling uncertainty about their own identity.

14:26:23 >> Shaun Duggan: I think that is, if you don't mind me jumping in again, really important because we established in the story that Dillon's family is homophobic. We ran a story where his little brother was kicked out of the club about making homophobic comments about Ruby's foster parents. We have time to establish that, but it felt important when we brought in Elliot's character that he was coming in from a different place.

14:26:37 He was comfortable in who he was. He says on screen that he had been brought up with gay people, so they had different experiences, but learned from each other's experiences.

14:27:03 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Also for parents, too, right? This is not an easy conversation and not always an expected conversation for parents as well. I think is very hard to know sometimes how to react and how not to react and everyone wants to say they want to be understanding with their children, but some parents may get shocked and surprised and don't react in the most helpful ways.

14:27:13 With that scene in particular with Dillon and his dad is a good thing to pin up on the wall, and go, whatever you do, don't do that.

14:27:39 >> Shaun Duggan: Again, in terms of that is such a powerful scene, very difficult to watch and all of the actors played it so brilliant, but there is quite a pit of the series to go, so although Dillon's dad reacted veried badly, he will have his own journey to go on through the rest of the series.

14:28:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, you sat there patiently and calmly and nodding in the right places, so now you get to talk. Hugo works in west ham. He is in the dressing room with players. He is helping them out. He used to work at Southampton, so he works at various football clubs. He understands football. He is a gay man in football. What did you think watching this and do you think football is a different place than other parts of society?

14:28:56 >> Hugo Scheckter: First of all, it struck me how powerful it was and it was jarring from a kids' TV show. I'm not someone who watched Jamie Johnson on a regular basis before, I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. This was my first expectation of the show, watching cartoons with my nephew. Did not know what to expect, but I thought, wow, this is hard hitting and I was jarred by the whole Dillon and his father's scene.

14:29:24 I think it was absolutely fantastic to highlight that. In terms of football, I think it's a different environment in a lot of ways, but negative and positive. I think a lot of people see football as this horrible, you know, macho, alpha-male environment. The changing room is one of the most diverse groups of people you can meet.

14:30:08 We've got on the team, for example, a guy from the republic of Congress go who is friends with a Scottish guy and a Hawaiian guy and you probably don't see that in society on a general basis. I think seeing the role molls come -- models coming out, but you're seeing it in the lockdown, but allies and I think people have spoken openly and eloquently about the importance of the rainbow campaign or openly gay players or role models.

14:30:42 For me, I was in the closet and I came out about two or three years into Southampton. My job is to look after players and the families and I was trying to get the players to trust me without sharing all of myself. Once I did, the relationship was so much closer and even today at lunch, I had a player ask me about my coming out and how I realized and he talked about how he would react if his kids came out.

14:31:14 That is a conversation that you would not expect to be in a changing room or a club and the amount of discussions we had about LBGTQ issues or trans issues, I'm not shaggymane expert, but I'm a resource and I think it is hugely encouraging and it means they are inquisitive people. I think they get a bad rap and I'm 100% sure who came out would be fully accepted in the change room.

14:31:44 Players want you to be a good person and a good player and if you can 10 us stay in the league or other teams' cases, higher up in the league, that is all that matters. It does not matter who you are or what you do in your free time, what religion you are or sexual orientation, it does not matter as long as you're a good person or a good player. I think football gets a worse rap than it deserves at times.

14:32:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I would counter it to be the awkward person to say going to football is the only place I would not hold my husband's hand in public. It is one thing to know what it is like in the dressing room and that is fascinating, it is another thing to walk into a football stadium and the atmosphere and the words that you hear there, whether it is racist stuff, homophobic stuff, football as a sport has a long, long way to go percent. Sports has a long way to go. There are not out

14:32:59 Is not a great place. You say it was Dillon's line in the episode, there is no out -- no out footballer in this country, how can I sort of come out and be successful and that is the crux of that is a big part of the episode, isn't it? It is a really complex question because the worst thing that can happen people endlessly talking about it and the witchhunt of we need gay footballs. Who is the gay footballer?

14:33:14 I think the narrative needs to be a welcoming environment so people feel comfortable and that may take another generation's time.

14:33:53 >> Hugo Scheckter: There are gay women footballers in the west ham. You know what, yeah, I can talk to my experience in the changing room. To be honest, I go to every game we play and I don't hear the negativity. I think there is a lot of discussion in football about this banter and from an outsider's point of view, especially in the change room, it can be seen as negative. The way I felt was the players did not joke about anything, whether it was my sexuality or whatever else,

14:34:20 My hair, my weight, or whatever it is, that means they accept me. If it is like, don't talk about gay stuff that is like they don't accept me. I had players saying can I make a gay joke to you and I say as long as you make it to my face and prepare for me to come back at you and I think that is a little bit of a difference in football environment where other industries it would not be acceptable.

14:34:46 At the end of the day, we are focused of doing one thing, which is winning matches and we have a match tomorrow. We're all focused on that we're not worried about what everyone is doing around that. We're worried about everything is doing everything they can to beat Chelsea or get a point at this point, but it is important that we work together for that one goal.

14:35:06 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Just a quick, not warning as such, advisory, that we will probably start the questions in a few minutes. I can see there are few in there. If you want to ask these lovely, almost interesting people questions, make sure you get them so we can make you as happy as possible.

14:35:18 What is acting like in comparison, Laquarn, Patrick, do you feel that is a welcoming environment for people to be themselves?

14:35:54 >> Laquarn Lewis: Well, I feel like it. Yeah, there is, but there is a lot of discrimination in the acting industry, it is not just football. I feel like, especially with type casting that is very hard in the industry, because if you act or look a certain way then it is most likely you're going to get put for this same character over and over again. It is good to just play something different to yourself and get that opportunity.

14:36:07 It is getting better in the industry, but like I said, I'm happy to play whatever, especially this role right here, because I'm helping so many people, so I'm -- thank you, yeah.

14:36:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Have you had people get in touch with you to say it has helped?

14:36:17 >> Laquarn Lewis: You can do this one, Patrick.

14:36:49 >> Patrick Ward: Yeah, yeah, definitely, it has been mostly positive and that is the benefit thing for me is seeing people with a message saying this has helped me come to terms with this or this helped me speak about this and that is all we're trying to achieve and just I'm proud watching the episode because everyone did such a good job. It has been fantastic and see how people have responded in a good way.

14:36:57 There has been some negativity, but a lot of people have taken it positive.

14:37:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: One person who is in a great position to explain a little bit more about the reception that this story line has got is Anita. So Anita Burgess, for those who were not here at the beginning of the conversation, Anita. Hello, Anita. Good evening. Nice to see you.

14:37:21 >> Anita Burgess: Hello. Nice to see you, too.

14:37:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Anita is the executive producer of the show. You must be absolutely fantastic the repping you have had, I would love to hear from your perspective.

14:38:11 >> Anita Burgess: It has been amazing actually. I'm known as someone who cries a lot and the reception has made me cry a lot even for me. It has been overwhelming. I think as Patrick was saying largely positive. I mean almost entirely positive, the 1% have their other views and that is there and that has to be acknowledged, but I found, I think as what was said, the most moving ones are the positive ones.

14:38:39 People feel for the first time there is something on screen that they recognize themselves in and it helps them and the complements about how the story has been handled and us not talking down to people, that sense of what we're trying to do is empower and educate and get the word out there to help people who are already in this position.

14:38:53 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How would you not talk down to people? What are things that you can do so it does not come across as patronizing? What are things in your head as a producer to say don't do this?

14:39:30 >> Anita Burgess: We are mindful of the audience and the age they are, so you explain things and make it clear to not -- what you're trying to do is use language that they would understand, but not treat them kind of too young. I think the simplicity of the story comes from truth. It comes from Shaun's experiences.

14:39:44 Making sure the research is as thorough as possible, so we are representing the truth as much as we can, I think it is about that, so don't talk down is just be honest and clear as best we can.

14:40:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is brilliant. I think it is time we put you to the sharks and answer some questions, really. There are quite a few of them. I'm going to try to do something if I press a button, they might come up on the screen. I'm going to apologize in advance if I get that wrong and someone will tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

14:40:42 So Dillon's storyline has been gripping, someone says. Beautifully written and amazingly active. Lots of compliments. This is best directed to you, Cheryl, of CBC producing a series with younger audiences where being LBGTQ plus being the center of the show? Can you, not target, but get this message to a younger audience?

14:41:13 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thank you for the question. As I was saying earlier, obviously CBC is the preschool channel and we have 6-12, to some degree we're limited to the type of lens we can put on sexuality, obviously, and as I mentioned earlier, a lot around your identity is something that we can explore. It has to be done in a certain way, because we have quite a wide age group.

14:41:47 I think the way this story is played out from 9-12 and above has been perfect, so depending on how someone wrote a story and type of character that they highlighted, I think anything is possible. Our central messages are about tolerance and inclusion and that people should feel OK about being themselves and I think you can get those messages across in many, many different ways, as to say for preschool age.

14:41:54 It would depend on the type of character and how they were portrayed, but essentially, yes, absolutely.

14:41:59 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Since you're talking, you can answer the next question.

14:42:00 >> Cheryl Taylor: Go.

14:42:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun might have an opinion as well. How long did it take to develop the idea and were you nervous about it? The person here, he says he produced when Andrew Hayden Smith came out and people were nervous that people like parents would complain. Were you aware of that or, no, we're doing the right thing?

14:42:51 >> Cheryl Taylor: I wasn't nervous, actually, that is partly to do with the team. Again as I mentioned this there are a lot of tricky storylines in Jamie Johnson and our other dramas. Anita, Shaun, everyone is very, very experienced and I knew they would handle it really well and similarly, the commissioning editor, Amy and her team would have explained the storylines with Anita.

14:43:25 That is one part of it and going back to Patrick, Patrick is such a key, key character in Jamie Johnson and he has taken on so many different things, so right from the beginning. I remember Anita telling me Patrick embraced the idea because he felt it was so important. Genuinely, we knew the team, there might have been a few more question marks, but with this team we did not have any anxiety.

14:44:06 Anita and Amy in presentation and talked to the press and introducing it and Patrick introduced it and pushing to news rounds and also on social media kind of making sure there were links there to child life or the other kids that might be watching who were worried and going through new experiences. Across the piece, everyone was so empathetic that it might be a troublesome story line, and they did brilliant work to make sure it was embedded in the right way.

14:44:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Brilliant. Shaun, this one is for you. This person is called anonymous attendee, who I don't think is their real name, how important is it for LBGTQ stories to have a happy ending?

14:44:46 >> Shaun Duggan: Incredibly important, as far as I'm concerned. In the past, we have seen so many examples, you know, where there is a tragic ending and to be honest because that is reflected reality, because it has been in the past incredibly hard to be gay in this country. It was only in the 1960's, it was legal to be gay.

14:45:11 In the 80'S, we had the AIDS epidemic and you couldn't discuss being gay in school, so it is only in the past 20 or so years, we have been on this incredible journey and we are in a position now where we can tell these positive stories that reflect real people's lives.

14:45:31 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think when you grow up a gay teenager there is a lot of feeling that you won't have all of the things that people laid out for other people. I grew up thinking I'm not going to get married and not have kids and I'm going to be unhappy. Having hope.

14:46:11 >> Shaun Duggan: For me being able to tell it, I talked about being bullied at school. I was 21 before I came out. That ad less scents that most people have, I didn't have. It was stolen from me. It gives me so much hope that young people have the confidence to talk sexuality and build on those.

14:46:45 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I'm being asked by Christopher, how have your peers responded to you playing this role? Obviously, Laquarn, you mentioned discrimination in industry. Have actors been supportive in what you have done? Lincoln people around me like my friends and family and people who watch have really supported me and and there is nothing far from like myself. Elliot is just like myself.

14:47:19 >> Laquarn Lewis: I -- so my friends have always been supportive, but I chose to wait until I left secondary school to tell them what my sexuality was, because I knew in secondary schools, if you are different in any way shape or form whether that is sexuality, disability, you will be brutalized and it is a horrible thing. I already knew I was going to wait until then. I was worried about my friends and what they would think as well.

14:47:46 When I told them, I have never seen such amazing support of people and doing this right now in the show, they have picked me up so much. They said the bravery it takes to be able to be open about your sexuality and then do this and silt just amazing and I thank everyone around me really.

14:47:51 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, anything to add or is that an impossible act to follow?

14:48:22 >> Patrick Ward: That is summed up perfectly. A different thing for me, this story line, but everybody around me has been very supportive. There are people I know, to be fair, from school or who you see out who haven't -- made comments, but as a reality, for me, you have conversations about this and able to express and I think it has been already.

14:48:43 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Someone sells asking, when you're doing a story line like this, are you given any help or claiming in terms or warnings about how to deal with the response afterwards on social media? It is hard to know what things are going to be like, right?

14:49:12 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, we have had Zoom sessions with Anita and Shaun and BBC, everyone involved in making Jamie Johnson and particularly, this storyline, they have given us guidelines and a draft response to people who are giving us hate and BBC says we don't respond to this. We have been helped really well.

14:49:50 >> Patrick Ward: I think that is spot on that it has been interesting that I have been doing this for quite a while and I remember being 12 and in a room and talking about social media before I had ever been on TV and people saying, this is -- you're going to have this kind of response and this kind of thing and I remember being mind blown. It now a part of reality on how to respond with these things. I have a strict code of conduct with my social media and mostly what we have had ha fantast

14:50:26 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There is one question that has been asked more than anything else, so we're going to save it to the end. We're going to go to a tough one and Shaun and Anita, you are probably best place to ask this. Someone said a line that jumped out to me, I think this is in the scene with Dillon and his dad, you are gay or you're not. Should we be telling people that identities aren't binary?

14:50:52 >> Shaun Duggan: I think with that line, you're writing truthfully from Dillon's dad's perspective. He hasn't got this great understand on of the subject and it is the kind of thing that he might say and not everyone is 100% gay. A lot of people are, a lot of people aren't, a lot of people in the middle.

14:51:32 Dillon is actually trying to tell his dad the truth and his dad is making it as difficult as possible for him, so I think I would rather focus on the positive message and the scenes that we have between Dillon and Elliot, where there was so much positive materials spoken about rather than focusing on Dillon's dad, who at this stage is homophobic and ignorant and a bigot, really.

14:52:05 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: This question is from a teacher and she says if she teaches things about homophobia or transgender issues, she gets parents saying she is trying to make them that way and we hear this quite a lot, right? If you tell people about transgender people, you're going to make them transgender. She is asking, have you had any of that or generally people been a lot lovier?

14:52:38 >> Shaun Duggan: If I could just say from my perspective on that, again, talking about what I was saying earlier, from being born to 12-13, I did not see any gay representation on TV I did not know what gay people were. I still became gay. If you go on that lodge you can, I should be an heterosexual, because I should have been inspired by boys and girls, but I wasn't. I still became gay.

14:52:54 You have to be careful when you have the debates, don't you of just having an open mind. At the end of the day, you know instinctively what you are from an a young age.

14:53:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Begs the question, if I watch enough "Game of Thrones" will by a weird person and run around with a spear in my hand?  Not sure how that works. This question is for Cheryl from Miriam. She says in children's media, it can be hard to get certain things to air. With this story line, you had to tweak it or limit it in order for it to get to that stage or were you allowed to be fairly free with it?

14:53:57 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks for your question, Miriam. I think that goes back to the one we answered earlier, which was, I think the teams, s Anita and Amy and Shaun were looking at getting the story across in an age appropriate way. We is 6-12, so we need to make sure it is age appropriate.

14:54:38 Generally, there are some things I get exercised about, along with Katherine McAllister and I think pat and Laquarn was mentioning and we talked to her if we worried about a story line. Because this one, series five, coming from Shaun's personal experience and a specialty team, I didn't have any concerns about that.

14:55:12 >> Anita Burgess: Can I jump in as well, because I think it is important that people can understand how the producer coming to the BBC with this story, it wasn't something that we thought oh, we're not going to be able to do that. We knew the team would be very willing to talk to us and they did and we had a very in-depth discussion all the way along the line, they were incrediblably supportive of making sure this is age appropriate and the clarity was there, but the truth was there.

14:55:31 I think all credit it to the BBC if there is a perception that there is something you can't do there, that is not the case. There is always a conversation to be had there and they have been enormously supported right from the start.

14:55:50 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, young footballers coming through as teenagers, do they get a good education in being open minded? I can't remember how much they are in school and how much they are not at school. How do young sports people get taught how to be open minder?

14:56:17 >> Hugo Scheckter: I don't think we teach them to be open minded, I think we teach them a variety of life skills that leads them to being open minds, which was the idea. They are meeting people that they would not have met through their normal lives and I think that is a positive experience, but we also make sure everything we are doing that is appropriate and talk about the social media guidelines that the actors go through.

14:56:43 We go through the same thing, not only in the things they put out, but what they receive and we have had a number of issues with various comments getting to our players and having to deal with that. I think you can't maybe teach -- you can teach open mindness, but that is not our goal. Our goal is to make well-rounded people who are also excellent footballers.

14:57:06 We haven't seen issues in the any of the clubs I worked with where players are not accepting each other or having problems with each other it. Tends to be they competed on a position, where two goalkeepers competing for one position, but not the personality of the major clashes that happens at younger ages.

14:57:25 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I reckon apart from the one person who is asking if they can play football with Patrick, we have time for two more questions. Laquarn, Patrick, what have you learned from filming these scenes?

14:57:49 >> Patrick Ward: I think a lot. These are the scenes I was looking forward to the most. When you get the scripts, especially the ones, obviously we rehearsed a lot, but I learned a lot as an actor and I am not able to prescription it very well because it is an organic process and try to embed yourself into it.

14:58:01 I like to think of it being modern and I think you learn a lot from this kind of thing, especially as a new actor.

14:58:04 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, over to you.

14:58:40 >> Laquarn Lewis: I think it is -- it shows a way of how somebody can cope with coming out and how they deal with telling people and stuff and what I have learned from filming this and getting out there to people is, it doesn't have to be someone on the screen. You can be the person in real life to support your friend. All it takes you to ask them if they are OK and they might all of a sudden tell you that or anything.

14:58:55 If you just support people around you then you know it is something to help them that little bit more to be themselves.

14:59:11 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: So the last question of the night, the question that everyone is asking in this Q&A and we have to ask wow getting in trouble, is Elliot coming back? Who is answering that question?

14:59:28 >> Anita Burgess: I guess that is me, isn't it? We're hopeful. Things are in the process at the moment. Things aren't completely finished yet, but we're hopeful to find a way of continuing it somehow.

14:59:33 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, you're in luck. It is a night to celebrate.

14:59:35 >> Anita Burgess: He might not want to.

14:59:37 >> Laquarn Lewis: I would. I would.

15:00:14 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There you go. It is a job acceptance live on air. Thank you so much all of you for your time, your questions, your excellent answers. I have enjoyed it and I hope you have as well. There are a lot of people struggling out there, as well, if you know them, I recommend the charities, it takes so much work to help people in relation to storylines like this, absolutely massive.

[jeminy3]

Blind Roy - Office Woes

This was meant to be part of a series of more Blind Roy drabbles, titled and focused on things like being back in the office, conversations with each individual team member, talking grimly of the future with Grumman, etc. But all my writing juice went into other stories (like the Elicia story, The Things We Carry), so they never really came together. This is just leftovers. 

Features: Blind Character PoV, insecurities, workarounds for disabilities, Team Mustang being supportive like a good team should.

Read on Google Docs

Read on AO3

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Disclaimers:

- Realistically, Roy would be forced to retire from the military because of his blindness, but I didn't double-check that until I'd written out most of this because I'm PRETTY sure that in Brotherhood, he says something about continuing to pursue his goals despite his blindness. But whatever, it's an AU.

- I know Braille wouldn't exist in the FMA verse, or would go under a different name, but whatever.

Also, here’s another Roy doodle.

--

Roy's first day back in the office was difficult - much more difficult than he imagined.

He spent the majority of the day shuffling slowly around rooms with arms outstretched, running into walls, knocking things over, feeling his way around doorways and chairs and tables, much like - well, a blind man. He would've laughed at himself, if not for the quiet shame and anger that gripped him.

And a strange sort of denial did, too. Years from now, he'd look back on these days and realize that his biggest mistake was thinking he could somehow function exactly like he used to and therefore not become a burden to those around him. Because the worst parts of it all were his constant, stubborn refusals to accept help, even from his own squadron.

It takes him almost two weeks before he finally relents to using a cane at everyone's suggestion, after growing incredibly tired of crushing his nose, bumping his head, stubbing his fingers and toes, and wounding his pride in front of other officials while navigating their offices.

The sounds of people snickering softly behind his back hurt more than all his bumps and bruises combined. He expects them to multiply upon starting use of his cane, but to his surprise, they don't, and eventually stop altogether.

He gets a reason why when he offhandedly comments on it one day, as he's getting ready to head home for the evening.

"Another day done, I suppose. Almost surprised I'm still in one piece."

He hears a questioning sound from Riza. "How do you mean, sir?"

"Well, besides surviving the day without hurting myself for once-" He gestures with his cane. " -I haven't heard any, shall we say, disrespectful sounds from anyone in my vicinity. Maybe they're finally wise enough to hold their snickering for when I leave the room."

Riza makes an odd sound, as if holding back a laugh herself. "Well I wouldn't say that, sir..."

"...Hm?"

There's a shifting of fabric from Riza's uniform, as if she were lifting an arm to adjust her collar.

"Just between us, sir, if it eases you... myself and the others may be responsible for that. I've done my best to shut down any potential disrespect towards you during our meetings, and Fuery's encouraged us to take problem folk aside and give them, as he says, 'a good talking-to' about your condition."

There's a lightening in her voice, as if she's smiling. "And it looks like our efforts have paid off."

Roy was silent for a good few seconds, gaping a bit. He was... shocked, a little, that his squadron would go so out of their way for his comfort, even his pride.

Eventually, he'd learn to stop being so surprised.

--

Progress on paperwork nearly came to a complete halt during his first few days.

Unable to read, Roy had asked Riza to read the forms aloud to him before he signed them, but that method quickly proved to be inefficient. Not only was listening to Riza's droning voice a battle to stay conscious by the end of the day, but the strain on her soon proved to be too much.

"-and so, as per the order of Colonel Roy Musta- Agh. Ack." Riza chokes, then breaks down into a coughing fit.

"...Lieutenant? Are you alright?" Roy asks, snapping out of his boredom.

It takes a few seconds before she's recovered enough to respond, and when she does, her voice is still noticeably rough. "I'm- Urgh- I'm sorry sir, but I don't think this will work. I'm losing my voice," she says hoarsely.

Roy does his best to stave off a surge of panic. These forms need to get done. "Er- Well... Then uh, bring Falman in to take over until you recover, Lieutenant."

He hears her sigh softly. "Apologies again, but I have to disagree, sir. Falman has his own duties and can't spend all his time reading to you. Same for the others."

"...Besides, he's not even here today," she adds. "He's out on reconnaissance, remember?"

Roy sighs deeply, sinking into his desk and rubbing his temples. "...I'd forgotten. Sorry, Lieutenant. It's just- the meetings, the forms- it all blends together sometimes. You know."

Riza makes a "hm" noise in agreement, but nothing else. An awkward silence falls, and Roy can imagine her staring him down accusingly, since she'd already suggested a better alternative earlier today, but Roy had refused it, as usual.

At this point he was just delaying the inevitable. He lets out a long, loud groan of defeat. "Fine, fine. I'll stop putting it off. I'll try to learn that 'brell' language you told me about."

"It's called Braille, sir."

He waves a hand dismissively. "Yes, yes... And we'll have to reprint everything with that special paper... Ugh, the print department's going to moan at me, I just know it."

"I should hope not. Not when their Colonel has a disability that needs accommodation."

Disability. Roy flinches a little at the word, associating it with years of well-meaning but nonetheless other-ing societal norms. Nursing homes, therapy wards, parking spaces and public seating set aside and marked with garishly-colored signs.

"Er- Can you... not call it that, Lieutenant? It's not disabling, just ah- challenging, that's all," he says.

He hears her sigh again, and the sound of her uniform shifting, then feels her hand on his shoulder. Her voice is soft, perhaps softer than intended from her hoarseness, but there's something undeniably sincere in it.

"Roy, please... it's alright."

Her voice is closer to him now, and Roy can imagine her leaning down with a small, gentle smile near his face, offering tender support against his bull-headed stubbornness that masked a deep, all-consuming shame inside him. It eases him, a little.

Roy breathes out slowly, relieving a tension in his shoulders he hadn't noticed was there.

"I... I'll try, Riza. Thank you."

--

Luckily for everyone, the Braille system works out better than expected.

Frustrated with the amount of time it took to reprint everything traditionally, Roy, in his usual manner, came up with the brilliant idea of using Alchemy to convert them instead.

It takes some time and convincing to the higher-ups, but eventually, with the help of Major Armstrong and a few other alchemists, Roy creates a new and fairly simple system. All one has to do is place a stack of documents, along with a small amount of extra wood chips, in an array that instantly thickens the paper and raises the correct pattern of bumps, both for letters and lines to write into.

Then it's arranged for a specialized alchemist to be tasked with learning braille, translating documents, then recreating them using this process.

It turns out to be quite a bit faster and more efficient than traditional printing methods, since mistakes happened rarely compared to the sometimes-unwieldy machines, and in turn, this significantly cuts down on costs from maintenance and wasted paper.

East Headquarters’ Treasurer and Senior Accountants commend him for the idea and its execution, and begin sharing the idea with the officials at every other military office. Soon there’s talk about installing a similar system in every printing facility throughout Central City, even the country beyond, potentially opening up a significant breakthrough in readership for the similarly-disabled.

Roy was just happy he could finally fill out his paperwork by himself with little issue, but he’s certainly not above claiming it as another of his many impressive achievements.

As for writing out new documents himself, the solution was more simple. He has Riza bring in a typewriter to type his words as he says them aloud to her, and uses a ruler to keep his signatures straight on the plain, non-textured paper. Then the proofs are brought to the printers to reproduce as proper forms.

--

It took time - a long time - but eventually, Roy forms a mental map of not only his office, but of his personal apartment, the surrounding hallways and rooms of the apartment building, the whole interior of East Headquarters, and everywhere else he frequented on his daily routine, largely helped by his memory of what they looked like before he lost his sight - and by his squadron, of course.

Eventually, he also learns to stave off the irrational fear that things could be switched around without him knowing, that doorways and furniture would change position for no reason, and he didn't have to feel and re-feel everything every other day just to make sure. Slowly, he learns to trust himself and his connection to this dark world that was familiar, but at the same time strange and terrifying.

And of course, his squadron would never be so discourteous as to move something in his office without telling him.

[meta-squash]

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating),  difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

 Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Encounters & Events

A JSE Fanfic

Usually I don’t write two parts of the same story so close together (since I have...so many stories I need to work on) but my muse for this has been going crazy. And people really seem to like this! So I decided to go ahead and, you know, write some of the more important events, including a huge reveal right at the end. This turned out a bit longer than usual, but it’s mostly dialogue, so it should go fast. Let’s check in on all the boys—and I do mean all the boys—shall we? :3c

You can find the other stories under the pw timeline tag!

“Luna, no, stop bothering your brother.” Marvin, carefully balancing a bowl in one hand, reached forward and tried scooting the small black cat away from the terrarium with the other. Said cat looked up at him with big yellow eyes. “Don’t give me that look. He’s probably trying to sleep. You’re annoying him. Go.”

After a few more careful nudges, the cat, Luna stood up and jumped off the table. She stalked to the open doorway, where she proceeded to flop down on her side and stare at him, not moving at all.

Marvin scowled at her. “I will step over you. You are tiny.” He turned back to the room at whole. It looked kind of bare, despite being back home for almost a week. He had yet to take all his knickknacks and posters out of the boxes and put them back up around the room. But the furniture—sofa, armchair, coffee table, table for the terrarium, and television—was all where he’d left them. The room hadn’t changed. The walls and furniture were still shades of blue, his gold stars still painted on the ceiling. And he could still eat his pasta while sitting on the sofa like he wanted to.

He set his bowl down on the coffee table and proceeded to flop down on the sofa before remembering he left his drink back in the kitchen. He sighed, and stood back up. And then the doorbell rang. Well. At least he was already standing up. He walked over to the front door, glanced through the peephole, and then opened it. “Hi JJ.”

Hello. JJ was standing on the doorstep, bouncing awkwardly. I hope I’m not bothering you.

“No, it’s fine, I was just about to have lunch.” Marvin shrugged. “You want to come inside?”

Please.

Marvin stepped aside to let JJ walk in. Before he entered, JJ bent over and picked up a gift bag he must have set down earlier. Once he was inside, JJ held the bag out for Marvin to take. Happy late birthday.

“Oh!” Marvin took the gift bag, looping his arm through the handles. “I thought you forgot.”

No, I’ve just been busy, JJ signed, looking sheepish. Sorry, I know I said I was going to help you unpack and such a few days ago. 

“It’s fine. I mean, I don’t think I can ever say anything about people leaving now that I’ve gone and...you know.” Marvin laughed. It came out a little forced.

JJ glanced around the living room, noting the boxes still sitting around with stuff inside. Do you still need help?

“Yeah. How’d you tell?” Marvin kicked the nearest box. “How’s it feel to be the only one in the group with executive function that actually works?”

JJ chuckled. By the way, I think your cat is trying to steal your noodles.

“Wha...?” Marvin spun around. “Luna Void! Get away from there!” He quickly crossed the room, picking up the black cat just before her paw dipped into the bowl. “That’s human food, not cat food. And I just filled your bowl, you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

Luna meowed.

Marvin shook his head, glancing around the room. He noticed a big ball of white and brown fluff sitting on the armchair. “Here, play with Ragamuffin.” He set Luna on top of the fluff ball, which meowed and lifted its head, revealing itself to be a ragdoll cat, mostly off-white with a brown tail, face, and ears. “Shush, you love her, Muffin.” Ragamuffin meowed again as Luna flopped across him. Marvin looked back at JJ. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

I love them, JJ signed happily, eyes locked on the two cats.

Marvin laughed. “You can come by to see them any time. Your building still have the rules about pets?”

Yes, sadly. JJ sighed. Not even Mr. Purple Snake is allowed.

“Hey, Salazar isn’t purple, he’s lavender,” Marvin corrected. “Purple makes it sound like he’s the same shade as that thing from McDonald’s, while lavender is the actual name of the morph.”

And he has stripes.

“Exactly, he’s a striped lavender snake,” Marvin said, nodding.

Fits you perfectly, JJ commented. Anyway, are you going to open your present now or later?

“I can do it now,” Marvin said, grabbing the gift bag off his arm. He sat down on the sofa, searching through the tissue paper. JJ took a seat next to him. After pulling out all the paper, Marvin reached into the bag and pulled out a golden heart-shaped locket. His eyes widened. “No way.” He turned the locket over, noticing a small key, which he wound a few times. The chimes of a music box started playing. Marvin looked up at JJ. “Oh my god. Oh my god. I thought this was a collector’s item, how did you find one?”

Someone was selling it online, JJ explained. I know you really like the game, so I thought you’d like it. He looked hopeful. Well...do you?

“Fuck, of course I do.” Marvin lifted the locket to his ear, listening to the familiar melody. “Oh my god. Oh my god, JJ. Thank you so much.” Words weren’t enough to describe what he was feeling, so Marvin grabbed JJ’s hand and squeezed it tight, swinging it a little. He let go sooner than he would’ve liked to, so JJ could respond if he wanted.

I’m glad, JJ signed, beaming. I wanted to get you something that meant a lot, since it’s been a while since I’ve seen you.

“Yeah...yeah, it has, hasn’t it?” Marvin rewound the music box as it slowed down. He suddenly felt his eyes well with tears. He turned away from JJ, rubbing his eyes.

JJ picked up on it, of course. Are you okay? he asked, concern lining his face.

“Fine.” Marvin’s voice cracked on the single syllable. “I-It just...fine. I’m just...a lot of things have happened.”

Jameson scooted closer. Do you want to talk about it?

“No,” Marvin said, perhaps a little too fast. “I’m good.” He didn’t want to explain this to any of them. He wasn’t sure what they’d think of him if they knew. It might just be better if he kept silent about it. Part of him whispered that they’d want to know why he left eventually, but he...he didn’t think he was brave enough to listen to that part.

JJ looked at him oddly. You sure?

Well...there was a smaller thing that he thought was safe to talk about. “Well...” he said slowly. “You know, Schneep and I really liked this game.” He squeezed the locket under his hand. “It was kind of our thing. He joked that it was his birthday gift, since it, y’know, came out the same day. The two of us were the only ones who liked it for a long time, and we kept fucking badgering Jack to play it on the channel.” Marvin smiled. “No joke, we one time spent two hours straight just talking about it.” The smile faded. “I just...I miss him, I guess.”

Jameson didn’t say anything for some time. Then: I see, he signed. But he’s back now, isn’t he? You can go visit.

“Yeah, I know that, like intellectually,” Marvin explained. “But I-I don’t know, I guess I’m nervous. That something will go wrong. Y’know, Chase told me what happened at the last visit.”

JJ bit his lip. Well. That might’ve been because of me. I think that he just freaked out because...he thought I was someone else.

Was that what happened? Chase had said that JJ somehow caused Schneep to freak out, but he hadn’t mentioned it was because Schneep thought he was someone else. “Still,” Marvin said, and then fell silent.

You can go with Chase, if you want, for support, JJ suggested. 

“Maybe,” Marvin said slowly. “Maybe I should just go today, just jump in impulsively.” He...he did really want to see him. “Maybe Chase can come too, he can drive me.”

I think Chase has something to do today, JJ said.

“Really? What?”

I don’t know. JJ shrugged. 

“Maybe he’s filming or something,” Marvin wondered out loud. “Would you want to come, if I went to see Schneep today?”

Jameson immediately paled. I don’t think that’s a good idea, given how he reacted.

“He could’ve forgotten,” Marvin suggested.

In a few days?

“I don’t know, it’s possible. He used to complain a lot about how he didn’t have a strong sense of...time.”

Well, I’m still not sure it’s a good idea, JJ signed slowly. Besides, I have work this evening.

“Oh yeah,” Marvin recalled. “You still working for, uhhh what’s-his-face? Mr. Paddington, or something?”

JJ smiled. Mr. Patterson, he signed, spelling it out. And yes. Are you still working at the boutique?

Marvin’s face fell. “No.” He paused, then continued in sign. I got fired. About a month before I left.

Jameson’s mouth formed a small O shape. I’m sorry.

It’s fine, I hated retail anyway, Marvin signed dismissively.

For a moment more, they just sat there. I think your cats are fighting, JJ signed after a while.

Marvin looked over at the armchair and watched as Ragamuffin shoved Luna off the seat. “They’re fine, Muffin’s just grumpy.”

Ah. Jameson hesitated, then signed his next string of words super-fast, as if shoving out his idea before he started to regret it. You know, if you ever want to talk to someone, but not one of us, like, someone more serious about things that are...difficult, then I can give you my therapist’s number.

Marvin looked vaguely surprised. “Wait, you go to an actual talking therapist? Like for issues and stuff? I thought when you mentioned therapy it was, like, speech therapy.”

I tried speech therapy, it’s never worked, JJ said dryly. And at this point I don’t think it will. But I’m fine, not willing to try any sort of operation to fix the damage.

“Hey, I didn’t say anything. Wasn’t even thinking it,” Marvin assured him.

Some people do, JJ signed, a bit bitterly. But yes, an “actual” therapist. I suggested it to Chase, too.

“Oh, that’s good. He could use that.” Marvin fell silent. “I-I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” He wasn’t sure he would go through with it. He wasn’t sure how to explain to anyone about...all of this. Especially a therapist. He wasn’t sure he could trust them to not call the police.

JJ smiled. That’s enough. Now, are you ready to actually have me help you unpack?

“Oh shit I completely forgot about that,” Marvin said, sitting up straight.

Maybe I could come back after you’re done with lunch, JJ suggested.

“No, you’re here, let’s do it now.” Marvin hadn’t forgotten about the lunch, at least. Though he did realize his pasta was getting cold. He pulled the bowl towards him. “We can eat together first. I made too much spaghetti, there’s still some in the kitchen.”

Oh. Thank you.

“No problem. Let’s both go there, I don’t trust the cats to leave us alone anymore.” Marvin shot a look at the two cats, Ragamuffin sitting, satisfied, in the armchair while Luna zoomed around the floor.

Good idea. JJ stood up. He paused. I’m not sure if I’ve said this yet, but...it truly is good to see you again.

Marvin smiled; he hoped it wasn’t strained. He looped the locket’s chain around his neck, the gold heart settling against his blue shirt. Thanks, he signed. Good to be back.

——————

Chase had something to do. Something he’d been neglecting for...god, it must’ve been three months now. The thought made guilt curdle in his stomach. It’s been far too long. A lot had happened, but that wasn’t an excuse.

It was another hospital. Not like the one Schneep was in, more of what you would usually expect when you heard the word “hospital.” Still, the check-in procedure was basically the same. Though this one didn’t have a visitors’ room. You were allowed to see the patients in their rooms here.

Even though it had been a while, Chase still remembered what room number it was—309—and what section it was in—ICU. He pushed open the door, and saw nothing had changed in the months since he’d been there. He walked inside, taking a seat in the one chair in the room, next to the bed. He took a deep breath. “Hi, Jack.”

As usual, there was no response except for the beeping from the heart monitor. Jack looked pretty much exactly the same. Eyes closed, oxygen mask strapped to his face. Chase couldn’t remember what was actually wrong with him, just that the doctors said Jack would either come out of it in time, or not at all.

“I know it’s been a while. Things have been...kind of tough lately,” Chase said slowly. “Um, they found Schneep. I-I don’t know how you’d feel about that, given...you know...” He waved vaguely at the bed. “Him and this whole situation. I-I still don’t think he meant to. I think he might’ve just been a bit...confused. You know how he gets. Maybe he was off his meds that day. Anyway, he’s in Silver Hills now. You know that place. I think it’s good that he’s there, it could really help. Apparently they also think he killed some people? Which I was surprised to hear, I never would’ve thought...” Chase trailed off. “I-I don’t think it’s his fault, really.”

He paused there for a moment, eyes tracing the line on the heart monitor. Steady. That’s good.

“Also, Marvin’s back. I don’t know where he went, he said he went to live with his grandma for a while. Probably true, but I just know there’s something else. Anyway, I’m not gonna ask him too much if he doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want him to...you know, shut down or anything.”

Another pause. Breathing was steady, too. It always was.

“And Stacy called me, too. I thought she was mad at me, or something, but, uh, turns out she’s not. Which is great. She just was having some work troubles and was kinda stressed, and I guess she was just too busy. But she’s doing okay, now. She quit working at the school, now she’s somewhere else, uh, I don’t remember the name but it apparently pays better. She does something with graphic design, which you know, she’s always wanted to. And Sophie and Nick are great, too. They’ve started this thing called reception this year, which I guess is like preschool for England. I dunno, I’m some dumb American. They sound like they’re doing okay. Everything’s...everything’s doing okay...”

Chase blinked back tears. Why was he crying? He wasn’t sad. He wasn’t...anything, really. He felt kind of...gray. But there was one thing he could feel that wasn’t just...gray. “I miss you,” he choked out. “I...I miss you a lot, Jack. I’m sure a lot of people miss you. I’m still trying to keep your community alive, but...well, I’m not you. It’s not the same thing, watching someone else run it.” He rubbed his eyes. “God, this is stupid. I’m stupid. I was just telling you how everything’s okay. And it should be. It should be. Everything’s getting better, just a little bit. Maybe that’s why the things that aren’t...they just seem worse. I miss you. I miss Jackie. I’m...I’m tired, Jack. I’m always tired, I-I can’t do this.” He didn’t know what ‘this’ was.

Someone knocked on the door to the room.

Chase sat up straight, furiously swiping away tear tracks. He stood up and walked over to the door. He opened it to see Marvin standing there.

“Oh. Hi, you are here,” he said. “I thought, ‘cause the door was closed...are you busy?”

“No, no, come in, it’s fine,” Chase hurried to say. He stepped aside. “Um, is that a new shirt? I didn’t think you liked to wear green.”

Marvin looked down at his T-shirt. “Yeah, it’s new. Not one of my favorites, but whatever.” He walked inside, stopping by the side of the bed. He looked down at Jack with an unreadable expression. “He looks so...small.”

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Chase said. Marvin hadn’t been one to visit often before he left. But he supposed his time away changed a lot of things.

Marvin nodded. “Yeah.” He looked up at Chase. “Were you...doing something, or...?”

“No, I-I was just—it’s fine,” Chase stuttered.

“Cause I...I kind of wanted to talk to him.”

“Yeah, of course, I-I’ll wait outside.” Chase hurried out of the room, closing the door behind him. He took a deep breath.

He really needed to get back into practice with these visits. Maybe then he wouldn’t start crying every time. But...well, maybe a different set of visits had taken up space in his mind.

Waiting outside the hospital room, Chase turned his thoughts to Schneep. He wondered how he was doing.

——————

The answer to Chase’s wondering was “not so good,” as proven by the interaction that took place across town, a little over two hours after Chase ended his visit.

Oliver hadn’t been prepared for anything like this in all his years working this job. He hadn’t been prepared for this entire case. The past few months had been a roller coaster that threw all his expectations out the window. He might’ve been inclined to reexamine those expectations, if he wasn’t too busy at the moment trying to keep peace in...well, in what was starting to look more like an argument than a therapy session.

Which was how most of these sessions were, now that Dr. Newson had taken over for Dr. Laurens. Oliver wasn’t sure what Newson had against Schneep, but there must’ve been something, because this was definitely not normal. In just a few days, Oliver had gone from standing in the corner of the room during these sessions, to standing right by Newson and Schneep in the center, looking back and forth between them so that he didn’t miss anything...potentially dangerous to either of them.

“You are asking too many questions!” Schneep growled. “Why should any of this matter to you?!”

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell me how to do my job,” Newson retorted. “You’re not that kind of doctor. In fact, you might not even be that at all.”

Schneep bristled. “Excuse me? You insult me enough, do you have to bring something completely untrue into this?!”

“All I’m saying is that delusions are a common symptom of your condition,” Newson said with a sickly sweet smile. “Maybe you just thought you were—”

“Fick dich und deine Vorfahren! You do not come into here and dismiss years of my work and study like this!”

“I can come in here whenever I want! I’m in charge!”

Schneep burst into laughter. “And you are doing such a wonderful job of it! Do you have nothing better to do than yell at me for an hour?!” His head tilted to the side. His hand shot to his neck, fingers starting to claw at skin. Oliver reacted immediately, grabbing his wrist and pulling his hand back. Schneep didn’t even notice. “Because that is really all you are doing!”

“Alright, fine.” Newson took a step back, straightening her jacket. “Let’s do something else, then. We can work on uncovering the inner motivation for you killing thirteen people.”

“I did not k—!”

“Yeah, I know, you think something made you do it,” Newson dismissed. “Well, the fingerprints on the murder weapons would tell a different story. Do you think you needed some sort of control? After all, things hadn’t been going so well in your personal life, with your job and your wife.”

“Shut up about Mina,” Schneep growled. “We were doing fine.”

“Hmm, yet I haven’t seen her in the visitors’ room yet. Or even heard from her.” Newson flashed a smile.

Oliver thought that was a bit too far. “Um, Dr. Newson, do you really think—”

“That is none of your business!” Schneep suddenly screamed.

“Of course it’s my business! How am I supposed to do my job without getting into your life?”

“That is not what you are doing! You are needling me for no reason! Why?! Is this fun for you?! I am tired of being fucked with by people and their sick games!” Schneep’s other hand darted forward, reaching for Newson. Oliver grabbed that one, too.

“Well, that’s the pot calling the kettle—” Newson suddenly stopped, being interrupted by a beeping noise. She looked down, and grabbed the pager off her belt. She quickly read the message, and sighed. “We’re going to have to cut this short today.”

“Good,” Schneep snarled. “I was about to tear your tongue out.”

“Now, you don’t want to be doing things like that, or you could spend the night in the quiet room again,” Newson said, folding her arms.

Schneep suddenly paled. He pulled his hands out of Oliver’s grasp and backed up, into the bed. He grabbed the pillow and hugged it to his chest, burying his face in it.

Oliver wasn’t sure why Schneep had such a strong reaction to the quiet room. Well, there was the stigma about having a room with padded walls, that was pretty much empty except for a bed. Oliver wasn’t about to pretend that popular culture hadn’t put its mark on that. But for some reason, even mentioning it made Schneep shut down entirely.

“Oliver, follow me,” Newson said. She turned on her heel, leaving the room. Oliver stood there for a moment more, then hurried to catch up.

“What is it, Dr. Newson?” he asked as they walked down the halls.

“What is what? The incident I’ve been paged about, or the reason why I asked you to come with me?”

“Um. Both, I guess.”

Dr. Newson sighed. “Lily just paged to tell me there’s some sort of commotion at the front desk. She’s new there, I guess she’s never had to deal with this before, so she appealed to the highest authority. Anyway, I wanted you to walk with me so we could talk about Henrik’s medication.”

“...alright,” Oliver said, confused. “Well, Dr. Laurens gave him a new one two weeks ago, since the other one apparently wasn’t effective.”

“I know that,” Newson nodded. “But it’s still not up to a full dosage.”

“Well...no,” Oliver admitted. “Laurens wanted to get him off the old one first, then get him used to this new one.”

“Well, I think he should be used to it by now,” Newson said dismissively. “We can up it to full. And we should give him a stronger tranquilizing agent, as well, I don’t think this one’s working too well.”

“...I see,” Oliver said slowly. He had to admit, he wasn’t an expert on this sort of stuff. It was why he was an orderly and not a doctor—well, that and the obvious lack of an actual doctorate. But he knew a bit about the medications, and... “Dr. Newson, aren’t there side effects for the current medication? Isn’t that why he has to get used to it in the first place? Are you—I don’t mean this the wrong way, but, are you sure he’s ready?”

“Of course I am.” Newson nodded once, firmly. Her eyes were burning. “I’m letting you know so you won’t think anything’s out of the ordinary when you pick it up tomorrow.”

“...alright.” Oliver didn’t want to say anything bad; he didn’t want to lose his job, and to be honest, Dr. Newson was a little intimidating. But he wasn’t sure her motives were entirely pure. Still, he kept silent. With Laurens gone, Schneep needed an ally.

“Here we are, the front desk,” Newson said, pushing open the door. Oliver hung back, watching the scene. Lily Travels, a relatively new doctor, was manning the desk, trying to calm down a clearly upset man, who...looked familiar. If it hadn’t been for the long wavy hair held back in a ponytail, Oliver could’ve sworn that he was—

“Hello, is there a problem here?” Newson asked pleasantly.

“I want to see someone,” the man said. “I looked up your hours on your website! But she keeps saying that he’s not available!” The man’s voice was loud and distressed. He kept touching the cup full of pens on top of the desk, playing with it.

“Sir, please put that down,” Dr. Travels said weakly, in the tone of someone who’s been asking the same thing for a while.

The man sharply withdrew his hand. And then immediately took five pens out of the cup and started chewing on the end of one of them. Dr. Travels sighed.

Newson looked the man up and down. Recognition flared in her eyes. “Sir, what’s your name?”

“Marvin. Marvin Maher, I wrote it on the clipboard,” the man said, still chewing on the pen.

“Mr. Maher, put down that pen, or you’ll have to pay for it.” Marvin immediately dropped the pen. “Who are you here to see?”

“His name’s Henrik von Schneeplestein.”

Newson nodded, her suspicions confirmed. “Well, Dr. Travels is right, he’s not available.”

“What?!” Marvin gasped. “Then—then why the fuck does your website say I can visit him now?!”

“Visiting hours for residents on the first floor are only on Fridays,” Newson said calmly.

Marvin paused, pulling at the collar of his blue shirt. “Well, why couldn’t you put that on the website?”

“It is on the website, Mr. Maher.”

“I didn’t see it,” Marvin grumbled. “Maybe your website layout fucking sucks. And how do you know where Schneep’s room is?”

“Well, I am his doctor,” Newson said pointedly. “And even if I wasn’t, we have a database where that information could easily be found.”

“You’re his...?” Marvin paused. “Sorry, what’s your name, again?”

“My name is Dr. Newson.”

“Oh.” Marvin’s face scrunched in confusion. “But I thought Dr. Laurens—no, wait. I remember now, Chase said she...oh, that sucks.” He paused. “Newson? Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Is that, like, a common name...?”

“I suppose not,” Newson mused. “But if that’ll be all you wanted...” She gestured towards the front door.

Marvin stared at her. “Um...‘if that’ll be all I wanted’ what?”

A flicker of annoyance temporarily broke Newson’s professional facade. “If that’ll be all, could you please exit now? Dr. Travels has more to do.”

“Oh! Yeah, sure.” Marvin turned around, took a few steps towards the entrance, then stopped and turned back. “So, are you, like, famous or something?”

The annoyance was replaced by surprise. “I don’t think so.”

“Not even locally?”

“Well, I suppose that depends. Why?”

“I think I read the name Newson somewhere,” Marvin muttered. “Something, like...it had something to do with Christmas, I think.”

For a brief, very brief moment, Newson’s face cracked in two, her expression falling to the ground, replaced by something of loss. She quickly recovered. “I wouldn’t know about that. Now if you’ll please.” She gestured towards the entrance again.

“Yeah, yeah. Bye, I guess.” And with that, Marvin left.

Newson straightened her jacket again, and without another word, spun around and walked past Oliver, deeper into the building.

Something was up here, and Oliver had no idea what. He was sure Laurens would’ve known something, but she wasn’t here.

With a sigh, Oliver also backed deeper into the building. He had more to do today.

——————

Her head was pounding. It felt like her brain had solidified into rock, and was being thrown against her temples.

“Hello?”

She felt like a pile of noodles. Limp and weak. All her bones were gone.

“Hey lady. A-are you alive?”

Where was she? The thought passed through her head like it was swimming through fog. The last thing she could remember...the last thing she could remember...

“I mean, you’re breathing. But I...I don’t know how awake you are. Been there for a while.”

 She was at her car and...and there was that man. She thought he was Chase, but...maybe he just looked like him...

Something hit the back of her head.

Laurens opened her eyes, immediately squeezing them shut again. God, her head was pounding. Not because of the thing that hit her, that felt small and light. What was it? She cracked open her eyes again, just enough to see that she was staring at a vaguely gray wall...plaster, but unpainted. She was lying on her side, the floor cold beneath her. She groaned.

“Oh good, you’re awake. Are you okay?”

That voice...it sounded kind of familiar. But from where? Laurens didn’t answer, just groaned again.

“I’m gonna take that as a no. Who are you? How did you get here?”

Laurens squeezed her eyes shut, tears starting to rise as a blinding pain shot through her temple. She moved her arm, but found something yanked her wrist back. So she raised her other one, waving it in the direction the voice was coming from.

“Oh.” The voice was whisper-shouting now. “Should I shut up?”

She gave the voice a thumbs-up.

“Alright. Sorry.”

Laurens wasn’t sure how long it took for the hammer to stop pounding an anvil into her head. It felt like a long time. If she was forced to guess, it was fifteen minutes until it was manageable and she could open her eyes. And it felt like another half an hour before she was able to roll over and face the room at large.

She immediately recognized it as a basement—an unfinished one, with rafters overhead, dangling lightbulbs, and pillars holding up the ceiling. There were random squares of carpet on the concrete floor, but none near where she was lying. There was a door in one wall, and a small, rectangular window high on the opposite wall, with no light coming through it. A short folding table was pressed against another wall, and nearby a boxy television sat on top of a wooden pallet crate. Overall, the room was about the size of an average living room.

“Are you okay now?”

Her eyes rolled towards the voice. There was a man sitting against a support pillar on the other side of the room and—and she immediately realized why his voice was familiar. Slightly higher, and a different accent, but she understood now. The man had shoulder-length brown hair, a beard, and wide blue eyes. He wore a dirty red hoodie. This whole group...they all looked and sounded alike, didn’t they?

“Should I stop talking again?” He asked.

Laurens blinked. “No, you’re good.” Her voice rasped.

“Okay. Alright.” The man visibly relaxed. “Are you, uh...I mean, you’re probably not doing okay, but how do you feel?”

She considered this. “My head hurts,” she finally said. It sounded inadequate.

“Hm. Yeah, I think it would.” The man pursed his lips. “You, uh. Don’t look good.”

“Thanks.” She pressed a hand to her temple. The other one was still caught on something. “Who’re you?”

“My name’s Jackie.”

“Jackie Donovan?” 

His eyes widened. “How do you know my name?”

Laurens tried to sit up. The pain in her head spiked, but she was able to prop her head on her hand. “My name’s Dr. Rya Laurens. I know your friend Schneep.”

“You do?!” Jackie sat up straight, but then hesitated. “Like, do you work with him? Have...you seen him recently?”

“Yes,” Laurens confirmed.

Jackie’s eyes lit up. He leaned forward. “How is he? Is he good? What happened?”

“I’m not sure ‘good’ is the right word for it,” Laurens mumbled. “You’re probably thinking right now that...that I work with Schneep at his hospital, the one where he was a surgeon. I don’t. I work at Silver Hills.”

“Oh.” Jackie leaned back again. He bit his lip, thinking. “That’s the, uh, psych ward, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s a mental hospital, it’s not the same thing,” Laurens said.

Jackie seemed to cringe. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“So, uh...” Jackie shifted where he was sitting. “H-how is he? Are they taking care of him?”

“I mean, I suppose so,” Laurens said. “I’m his therapist. I’m certainly trying to help, but I can’t speak for everyone. And I don’t know what’s happened since I...” She frowned. “What day is it?”

“Um...” Jackie glanced over at a nearby section of wall, one within arm’s length of where he was sitting. Laurens suddenly noticed the marks on the plaster, done in what looked like blue marker. Tally marks, divided into roughly eight groups. “I think it’s the twenty-first? Of August.”

Last she checked it was the fifteenth. “It...it’s been a week,” she realized. “I don’t remember any of it.”

Jackie nodded. “That happens sometimes. Let me guess, it’s all a blur? You sort of remember being, like, aware but not thinking anything?”

“...that...yeah.” Laurens shook her head, then immediately stopped; it was making her headache worse. “What am I doing here? What are you doing here?”

Jackie laughed hysterically. “I mean, your guess is as good as mine! If it’s been a week, he probably wants you alive! Unless he just hasn’t gotten around to it yet! By the way, can I have my Sharpie back?”

Laurens was confused, until she looked around the nearby area and saw a blue Sharpie on the ground. She picked it up and threw it in Jackie’s direction. The throw went wide. By a lot.

“Fuck,” Jackie swore. “Hang on.” He reached out to the Sharpie, leaning forward, but wasn’t quite there. With another muffled curse, Jackie crawled towards it. And it was then when Laurens noticed the cuff around his ankle, connected to the nearby pillar by a very short length of chain. Realizing this, Laurens looked back at her other hand, the one that kept being yanked back. And no wonder. She was handcuffed to a pipe.

“Got it!” Jackie grabbed the Sharpie by his fingertips, retreating back to his spot by the pillar. “Sorry. I just don’t want to lose this.”

“It’s okay,” Laurens said softly. “I get it.”

Jackie pulled at the sleeves of his hoodie. “So...I know you said you haven’t seen Schneep for a while, but how was he the last time you saw him?”

Laurens thought about that. “He was getting better. He’d just gone through a bad episode, though, so not 100% good.”

“He recovering?”

“Yes, as far as I could tell. I got him new medication, but hopefully it would decrease his symptoms.”

“Symptoms?” Jackie frowned. “Oh. Yeah, I guess he has been unmedicated for some time. Best to take care of that, before dealing with everything else.”

Now Laurens frowned. “Wait, everything else?”

“Yeah? I stopped seeing him in—” Jackie glanced at the tally marks again, counting. “—May, and you’re a therapist, so. You know. Everything else.” He waited, but Laurens still looked confused. “Um...you know. Being kidnapped isn’t going to leave someone okay—”

“Wait, he was kidnapped?!” Laurens repeated.

“Yes! Why do you think—look around at this place!” Jackie gestured at the room. “Do you think either of us are here because we want to be?! The hell did you think happened to Schneep?”

“I don’t know, he wouldn’t say anything about it, but the police assumed he left of his own—”

“Wait wait wait,” Jackie held up a hand. “So...the police don’t know about him?”

“Of course they know about Schneep. How could they not, after all...” Laurens hesitated. “You know. The things that happened.”

“No, I wasn’t talking about Schneep.” Jackie insisted. “I was talking about...him.”

The way he emphasized the him...it reminded Laurens of the way Schneep would talk. “Do you mean...the thing Schneep’s been hallucinating about?”

Jackie looked shocked. “So. They don’t know, then? Wait, do they think Hen did it all by himself?!”

Laurens looked at Jackie, puzzled. “He...didn’t?”

Jackie buried his face in his hands. He didn’t say anything for a while. “Oh my god,” he finally said, words muffled. They sounded almost like a sob. “You don’t know. No one knows, do they?”

Laurens sat up. She was beginning to figure out that things were a lot more complicated than she thought. But maybe now she could get some answers for everything. “Know what. Who...who is this he?”

Jackie looked up at her. His eyes were red, like he was about to cry. Like he’d realized something. Maybe he realized that, if the police didn’t know what was going on, there wasn’t a good chance of either of them ever being found.

“He calls himself Anti.”

[boukenboy]

#15: 幕末降臨伝ONI / Bakumatsu Kourinden ONI

Bakumatsu Kourinden ONI is a direct sequel to Kishin Kourinden ONI, released around 2 years after the latter. Bakumatsu is an upgrade to its predecessor in many respects, and is definitely the stronger game of the two, but some baffling design decisions are present, including ones it shares its with predecessor. Set in the Bakumatsu period of Japan, an era where the shogun's influence over the rulings of the country would come to an end, we play as a group of monster-hunters working for the Shadow Shinsengumi - a secret police dedicated to protecting the country from all sorts of beasties. Our main man is Yamatomaru - originally from a small village, he would attract the Shinsengumi's attention after saving some of the village children from winding up as monster-food. Brash, foul-mouthed, and good-hearted, he is essence of a typical shounen-style hero.

After being soundly defeated by a monster seeking revenge for his slain friend in his hometown, our hero is saved by the enigmatic Jurouta, who invites the young boy into the shogun's service, stating that he has the proper qualities of a monster hunter. Initially reluctant, Yamatomaru, determined to become a strong warrior like his deceased father, meets up with the handsome man and accepts the offer. As more and more monster related incidents occur. it becomes clear that certain hot-spots of spiritual energy, what the came calls "spirit pits", are going haywire, giving rise to all sorts of calamities within Japan. Furthermore, a mysterious foreigner with dubious intentions, Riche, is also seeking out the spirit pits, and is willing to do anything to obtain control of them.

Our heroic twosome is soon blessed with the addition of the Saigami siblings: Natsume and Touya. The Saigami clan is reknowned for their spiritual prowess - including the ability to seal away the raging pits. Natsume is deeply insecure in her own power, however, and for the first half of the game, the party heavily leans on Touya to do what is needed. We are later in the game joined by Squanto - the former leader of a ruined nation due to Riche's machinations. A man of few words, he is a solid tank of a character, dedicated to defeating the colonizers that ruined his way of life.

As charming as this cast is, I felt that, outside of their initial introductions, the game doesn't bother to develop the cast much. Yamatomaru begins the game as a hot-headed himbo, and shows little growth throughout the story. Jurouta is the same, save for the revelation that he is actually a she, causing Natsume to question her tastes when it comes to her love-life, as she is enamored with the stoic warrior. Touya is the typical over-protective brother to a T, but subverts this trope at the same time in an interesting way: instead of coddling his sister whenever she expresses insecurity about her abilities, he empowers her. He encourages her. It's very progressive, especially for a game of this age.

As one can see, the scope of Bakumatsu is much larger than the previous game, and overall, has a much darker tone. The story, at times, is relentlessly tragic: in one instance, you are forced to battle a former colleague of the Shadow Shinsengumi after he willingly transforms himself into a monster in order to prove himself - in another, you watch helplessly as an entire civilization is genocided off-screen. While Kishin wasn't afraid to showcase the occasional tragedy, it never goes as far as Bakumatsu. This is a dramatic game, and I commend the writers for going where others would not.

The narrative is focused: unlike the vignette-heavy style of Kishin, Bakumatsu is fast-paced and dynamic - allegiances shift at a breakneck pace, and as soon as one threat is vanquished, another rises to take its place. It feels exciting to play. The dungeons are, for the most part, short and snappy. I remember the dungeons in Kishin being an absolute chore at times, as the game would frequently chain multiple locations together with little plot to entice the player to continue on. While Bakumatsu does feature the occasional marathon sequence, the player is always provided with plenty of cut-scenes and opportunities to save and recover.

That being said, the game lacks in dungeon variety. Almost all of the dangerous places you'll visit in Bakumatsu are mountains, with only a color palette to differentiate them. It's boring. I found myself rushing through these levels, mashing the fast-forward button and avoiding thorough exploration. I understand the memory limits of the Super Famicom, but it still feels lazy. And while they are a definite disappointment, the rest of the graphic design in Bakumatsu excels. Your characters are superbly well-animated, full of personality and character. During the latter half of the game, your party travels across the sea to the New World - and it truly feels like a different continent! The level of detail in the map of a game this age managed to really surprise me, and I loved seeing my home country portrayed through the eyes of a different culture than my own.

Bakumatsu features an upgraded combat system. Each character has a variety of sword-techniques that use their own MP gauge which is restored by walking. They're are all super well-animated, flashy, and just plain cool. Even the most basic moves are stronger than your standard attack, so even the ones you acquire early on retain their usefulness throughout the entire game. The standard magic spells and summon abilities have been upgraded graphically, too, making the battle sequences, as a whole, feel much more exciting and dynamic.

Which is great, because like its predecessor, the encounter rate in Bakumatsu is disrespectful. Battles occur every couple of steps, and enemies are, due to the expanded combat mechanics in comparison to the previous game, often take a bit longer to defeat, as they tend to have an immunity to either magic or physical attacks. Remembering these characteristics is a matter of memory, as there are no spells available to identify weaknesses. Despite this, the overall difficulty level in Bakumatsu is much more reasonable than in Kishin - there are only two instances in which I had to stop and grind out some levels: once in the very beginning, and another near the very end of the game.

There are two other types of encounters that are worth discussing: the ship battles, and the underwater battles. Once you acquire your ship, you will, at times, run into other sailors that want nothing more than to send you to a watery grave. Your ship functions as a character would - it gains experience and levels up as you defeat enemies, but you must spend a pretty penny at the Yokohama docks for it to be upgraded. These oceanic encounters are novel for their time, and amusing enough, but suffer from balance issues. The first time you embark out onto the sea, you will have no way of knowing which ships you can take on, and which ones you have no chance against. It's a matter of trial-and-error, so frequent saving is recommended.

The underwater battles are similar to regular encounters, but special attacks and spells are disabled, and are instead replaced with a bar that represents how much time you can stay underwater. Should this meter run out, your character dies instantly. Taking damage and attacking foes decreases this meter, but you can choose to surface for air, but doing so will end your character's turn. This presents an interesting "risk and reward" system - the player has to choose whether or not to risk drowning or finishing a battle quickly. I wish spells were available, though. I feel as though it would have been easy enough for the developer's to disable fire and water attacks, leaving the earth and other elements. Some of the monsters you'll find underneath the water's surface are vicious. I've never been more afraid of crabs in my entire life!

Like it's predecessor, there is plenty of side-content to discover throughout the world, including a village-building minigame. Inhabited by friendly monsters you found throughout Japan, you can earn various rewards as it develops into a bustling hamlet. Special summons can also be found, but you'll have to meet special conditions in order for them to lend you their aid. This is where Bakumatsu’s most intriguing aspect comes into the play: the karma system. Depending on your choices throughout the game, you'll be assigned a rank, ranging from "Absolute Villain" to "Godlike" - these can affect whether or not you'll be able to obtain certain allies or spells.  Unfortunately, once you reach a certain point in the game, it becomes impossible to influence your rank beyond a certain point. If you're aiming to obtain everything, I'd recommend a guide.

There is a lot to like about Bakumatsu: the game is well-paced, graphically stunning, and I loved how the developers were unafraid to experiment with all sorts of different mechanics. While the execution of these ideas were occasionally lacking, they were novel for their time. Between Bakumatsu and Kishin, if you were to only play one, I'd definitely recommend this title. It's a solid, if occasionally frustrating, experience, dripping with style and visual flair. Definitely recommend!

[magicalsalamander]

Sangria Wine

⊸Pairing: BTS Yoongi ⇆ Reader

⊸Genre: Vampire| CEO| Medical| Fluff| Angst| Slight Horror

⊸Summary: When rent is cutting short and you’re at your last resort. Your job has been cutting your hours slowly, and bills were stacking up. You walk into a donation center, blood donating center for the undead to earn some quick cash, but…the thing is…you’re afraid of needles.

⊸Word: 6.1K 

⊸Rating: teen; mentions of blood and phobia of needles/blood, fainting, vampiric activity, and mentions of mating.

⊸ A/N: Based on my experience with needles and how I’m a wimp and pass out. This Yoongi is pretty cliche, but I mean who doesn’t love a good angsty Yoongi. Thanks for reading! Gif source unknown, but I don’t take credit for it.

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The nurse takes the earpieces of her stethoscope out of her ears and tilts her head, “Your blood pressure is still high.”

You shy away from her look of concern, this is embarrassing. After waiting ten minutes for it to go down, the results are still the same. It won’t go down from a static 140/80, you know that, “Doctor offices just make me nervous, I’m fine.”

She hums and writes down a note on your chart. Finally she puts two and two together, “White Coat Syndrome,” clicking her pen on her clipboard, “it’s when patients, much like yourself, are anxious because of the people walking around in white coats.”

You halfheartedly chuckle, “Yeah, haha, that’s the one.” You hear it every time you come in to a doctor’s office. You tried explaining it to her earlier, but she put her stethoscope in her ears instead determined it was just a mechanical error.

The hypertension is never because of the doctors, but the needles—bloodwork specifically. Your mind and body are disconnected. You know it isn’t a big deal, it’s a split-second ordeal, boom, bam, done! It’s not even that painful, it’s a mere pinch at most, but for as long as you could remember you’ve had this issue. Although the fainting didn’t start until your teen years, mostly because the nurses offering you candy wasn’t enough to distract you anymore. You even know the symptoms of an oncoming episode by heart now: hearing dulls to a high pitch ring, sudden rise in body temperature, blurry vision then timber you’re out like a light!

Even though you’re aware of the rational side of it, the anxiety is still there.

Your hands feel clammy, as you repeat the words to yourself with a sigh: White Coat Syndrome.

This is your first time at this clinic, so they don’t have that special, little note on record. Which ironically is a good thing, you couldn’t be honest with her and tell her it was because of the needles that perturb you…and that you are likely to faint. You need to be here today.

The nurse wraps her stethoscope around her neck, “Alright, Ms. Y/L/N, everything checks out. I’m going to ready a room and I’ll be back in a moment your receiver should be here soon.”

You nod and she is gone with a click of the door. “He should be here soon,” those words echo in the back of your mind. You busy your mind on something else by reading the posters around the room. They are typical ones the importance of getting the annual flu shot, hygiene and information on human diseases that can affect vampires and other supernatural. You let out a heavy sigh as you read over them three then four times for the sake of not driving yourself crazy. It occurs to you that not only do humans have a huge effect on the environment, but now we’ve effected supernatural beings. Way to go humans.

Three knocks on the door interrupts your reading and the nurse peeks back in, “Are you ready Ms. Y/L/N?”

You wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans and slip off the examination table. You stand still for a few seconds to stabilize your feet. You grab your coat and squeeze it as you respond through a fake smile, “Ready.”

Your feet were leading you down the endless white hallways instead of your overactive mind. The mild ringing in your ears were dulling the noises around you, so you follow the nurse like a lost puppy. Suspiciously this place smells overtly sterile, even to your non-supernatural nose. It’s probably because of all the…blood. You hold your coat tighter to you, “Shut your mind off, shut it off, positive thoughts only.” You could already feel your face flushing from the self-induced anxiety. You keep repeating to yourself like a mantra, “It’s going to be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen, why do you do this to yourself? You know you’re going to be alright.”

You don’t realize you’ve made it to the phlebotomy ward until the nurse you are following opens a room for you. You thank her, and walk into the room rapidly. You take in the new, small room and it was far from what you were expecting. It’s nice…it lacks the same clinical posters from the checkup room and instead it’s replaced with minimal décor. It still smells very sterile though. The nurse speaks from the doorway, “Your receiver will be with you shortly and when the session is over I will come back to check up on you before you leave.”

She closes the door behind her with an eerie click. You heavily sigh as you slump into the first seat you see when your legs give out. Your head is chaotically buzzing, and your heart is beating so hard you could feel your pulse drumming in your ears. This was probably a bad idea—this is a bad idea. You shook your head clearing your thoughts again, no, this was a good idea. You could do this. You could do this! You straighten yourself out and sit near the edge of the seat, tuck your feet together and set your spine rigid. If your receiver will come in here any minute you need to be a bit more put together. If you put it out in the universe it will come true kind of mindset.

The supernatural are apart of normal society, they live amongst humans. They work, live and function alongside humans. You’ve never been nervous about vampires, or any supernatural being, but today those fangs hold a different emotion.

You breathe in slowly and deeply to make sure you are still breathing. If you aren’t actively thinking about it you would probably be turning blue by now. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inha—three, soft knocks rasped against the door. If I hadn’t been so hyperaware of my breathing I probably wouldn’t have caught it. I jump in my seat then stutter out, “C-C-Come in.” Wonderful, just a wonderful first impression.

A tall, lean figure slips into the room with his back turned to me with his head down. He is dressed professionally with a navy-blue button down and black slacks. Your eye follows his silhouette to his hand strangling the handle of his brown leather briefcase. His briefcase isn’t fully close and a few documents are sticking out of it front pockets. Is the vampire nervous or just…really hungry?

When he turns around, lifting his head, his expression is stoic, lips thin like a line giving away no hint of reaction. You hold your breath when he flicks his half-lidded eyes up meeting yours. His deep, brown predatorial eyes watch yours, observing you from head to toe. It is as if he is waiting for you to break contact first. You feel your saliva thicken in the back of your throat as you struggle to say a greeting. Never before had the mere presence of someone take your breath away. His dark eyes convey his prowess as a vampire, establishing his role in this transaction right away. His naturally dominant aura penetrates the room replacing the ethanol out until all you could smell is his earthen cologne.

Even though you feel insecure under his gaze, you couldn’t help but keep your eyes lock with his. There is an unexplainable pull that keeps you in those two orb’s gravities. He is very attractive to say the least. You swallow hard. Did he have to be good looking? It made your phobia infinity more embarrassing. He had a face that would haunt your dreams and nightmares.

Your eyes broke contact when he watched my throat bob and he knew I had swallowed. I turned away from his gaze and tried wiping away at the blush staining my cheeks.

Just your luck.

After four hundred years you would think he’d learn his lesson by now. He should have perfected the way to living, however, he always forgets that there’s a chaotic variable that ruins perfection: humans. They’re creatures that put too many factors into the pot and it spoils the broth. Things should be simple, but they never are. Things always ends up being troublesome on his part.

He’s spent the last few weeks stowed away in the boardrooms and his office working on a big project. Today, he closed the deal with the international broker and will start importing overseas. Everyone wanted to celebrate the billion dollar deal but he ditched the investors and other executives in order to make this appointment. He didn’t care if ditching them only deepened the rumors about him, he owns the company. He knew his reputation, he even knew the vicious nickname the employees whispered. They called him the red shadow. He was infamously known to be cold, calculated, and a perfectionist. When the red shadow walked to and from meeting rooms, the employees would stop what they’re doing and tremble in fright. Not always literally, but he’d hear it in their frantic heartbeat or the sudden pungent smell of ammonia from stress. They worried that they were going to be scrutinized or that they would be the next on his list. His eyes would hauntingly burn crimson when he was stressed. Despite supernaturals being amongst the normal, prejudice still ran deep. A vampire’s reputation ran deep and was naturally synonyms with fear itself.

In the past two weeks he had reaped the nickname dry. He hadn’t feed properly, and the iron pills weren’t keeping the hunger at bay for more than a few hours at a time. Synthetic Blood bags wasn’t able to truly fill that want for fresh blood either. Normally he liked to feed from a live source every two week, but that didn’t fit his schedule.

As soon as he knew the deal was closing, he made his secretary set up an appointment at the clinic for today. He couldn’t have felt more relieved when he got confirmation email a few days ago, and it’s been the only thing he’s looking forward to. He could’ve brought a donator to his office, but he doesn’t eat and work in the same room and well…it was against the law. Congress forty years ago drew up legislation for stricter guidelines on blood donating and receiving. This was all because too many individuals were found dead as a result of careless feeding. This also forced the supernatural to come to light from the underground. Under the law he was required to feed at a clinic or contract a donator through the government. Humans, he mentally scoffs. The idea of contracting someone revolted him. Although his clients were never usually unpleasant, but something was always off with their scents, too talkative, or just…creepy. He’s never wanted to rely on anyone for anything, especially concerning sustaining his life.

He walks up to the front desk and signs in and takes the typical swab test from the nurse. He swabs the inside of his cheeks quickly and tucked the swab back in its sanitary wrap it came in. He hands it back to the lab tech waiting behind the receptionist. His head is pounding furiously. He runs his free hand through his hair trying to feel for a source. It isn’t painful, but an annoying hard and fast thrumming…almost like a heartbeat.

He is brought back to his senses when the receptionist sweetly smiles at him, “Thank you Mr. Min, please wait a moment and we will begin shortly.” He harshly blinks and picks up his blazer and briefcase finding a seat in the empty waiting room without further word. He deduces that it isn’t another supernatural creature influencing him. Why is his head pounding then? He sits back in his chair and laces his hands together in his lap and takes a deep breath. He rolls his neck as he lets the feeling take over.

Throb, throb, throb, throb.

In the silence of the waiting room he hears it. It’s faint but it’s there. He tunes into the erratic heartbeat that’s somewhere in this building. He holds his breath for a moment to see if the delicious rate matches up with his pounding head.

Lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub.

He groans under his breath and licks his lips. The animalistic side to his supernatural tendency is creeping up his throat. He’s never felt so connected to a heartbeat before. His body feels like its crawling with jitters for not seeking it out. His leg begins shaking, he slaps a hand on his tight forcing it to stop fidgeting. He suppresses his instincts to follow the pulse to its owner with all his might. The walls are well insulated for the sake of privacy, but he could feel it so viscerally.

He is about to groan under his breath again when he heard his name being called. He takes a deep breath in and lets his expression fall neutral again, except the bags under his eyes gave away that he is a starved man. He gets up as calmly and follows the petite woman who has similar bags under her eyes as much as she tries smiling through it. That’s what happens naturally when humans force switches their biological clock to nocturnal. “Hello, Mr. Min, please follow me over to the oral cleaning station.”

He follows routine, but as he is cleaning his teeth with the sanitation elixir he feels the pulse beating in harshly his fingertips. He nearly spits out his mouth wash as he feels his fingertips tingle like when they go numb, but you try using them again. The thrumming of energy in his veins makes him lowly moan but he wills it away as by gargling the disgusting mouth wash.

He is clean, but he knows this procedure is also a part of the new act. Human to vampire disease is on the rise, but so is vampire to human. Today following routine is agitating him. He wants to feed, no needs, so that he wasn’t hyperaware of a heartbeat. In order to save his pride he concludes that he is just aware of it because he is starved. He was stuck in the office so long that he must be hallucinating. His senses were overreacting because all he’s had was fake plasma and he wants the organic supply. He is in control, not the salacious pulse. He knows himself better.

He spit out the mouthwash into the sink with disgust and rinses his mouth out with water fast. He wants this done and over with as soon as possible. Sleep, sleep would do him so well after this.

“Follow me Mr. Min, your donor is waiting for you,” he grunts then follows the nurse down the familiar hall to one of the many donating room. The white walls he had seen for years now feels unfamiliar, just as new as the sensation running through his veins. It irked his ego that this is throwing off every one of his senses. He isn’t sure he is following the nurse or his instincts anymore. He unexpectedly groans when he feels a strong beat in his own chest. The nurse turns around with an eyebrow raised. He finishes that groan off with a cough, bring a hand up to his mouth to conceal it politely. The nurse smirks thinking the insinuation is for her. He rolls his eyes as she turns back around.

They walk past rooms and the harder the pulse feels in his veins, chest, and fingers. Its engulfed him and its all he can feel. The nurse stands outside a door and slips a chart into the folder. He stares at the door because itself seemed to pulse. He knows whomever the owner is of the bothersome heartbeat is inside this room. The nurse knocks softly and she steps back, “You have fifteen minutes Mr. Min.” He didn’t respond to her and she tried waving a hand in front of his face, but he didn’t blink or acknowledge her. She takes it as he understood and leaves. He grabs the handle and depresses it when he heard a response, “C-Come in.”

The being behind this door was supernatural he was sure of it, only a voice so enchanting voice could belong to a siren. Why else would he feel such a pull? He pushes the door open like any sailor would. When the door cracks open just an inch, the sweet scent from the room floods into the hallway. His eyes fall hooded as the sweet scent fill his frozen lungs. It put him in a catatonic state that fully wakes his instinctual half. It’s oddly addictive yet bothersome to his core. He isn’t weak to his instincts. He wasn’t.

He steps into the room and closes the door behind him. He slowly looks up from the ground and finally gets a look at the siren. He clenches his jaw as his whole body pulses like an earthquake as you make eye contact. The source of the erratic heartbeat is seated in front of him.

You aren’t a siren…but a human. Human. You’re beautiful like a siren though, but you’re trembling like a leaf. He knows he shouldn’t feel primal about a simple donation, but you are like a frightened bunny under the watchful gaze of a hungry wolf. Yet, he wasn’t one of those dogs, he was a prideful vampire.

His earlier irritation mellows out when he senses your distress. The way your eyes are glossy make him choke back, honestly, he can’t help how endearing you are. His starvation subsides and all he wants to do is take me into his arms and rest the tremors. He wants to feel that heartbeat against his chest.

He shouldn’t do that though, this is a simple transaction. He is a receiver you are a donor. He rolls his neck trying to bring himself back to neutral, he isn’t himself today.

He takes in a deep breath that was unnecessary since he doesn’t breathe. He practically glides over to the seat across from you and sits down gracefully. He cautiously takes your hands away from my cheeks. His touch is gentle and…icy cold, his hands are so cold. You didn’t realize you raised your hands to your cheeks in an attempt to cool yourself down. His touch is the instant relief your burning body is looking for.

It’s electrical, he squeezes your hand feeling the shock light up his nerves. It felt like being jolted by a defibrillator. You were so warm. Warmth, it’s amazing, he hasn’t felt warmth for a very long time, it’s always a numb feeling whenever he touches anyone. Four hundred years is a long time to miss something. He gets a new wave of your scent as your breath hitches in your throat. You must’ve felt it as well. He closes his eyes for a moment holding back the red threatening to heavily bleed into his eyes. He didn’t want to scare away the bunny.

He peels his eyes open slowly, but he didn’t realize he is only inches away from your face. You didn’t move away from him though or back down like he expects. Your eyes are staring directly into his pitch-black feline like eyes and he can’t tear his eyes away from the intense gaze. The dilation then contraction of your pupils signal that you were searching for something in his. What is going on?

His voice comes out low and soft, almost like a breathy whisper, “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”

He offers me a soft smile and it feels like a different person is in front of you. The stoic individual can actually be…warm. His harsh features suddenly feel more inviting and you can believe his words. You gulp and lick your lips, finally greeted him, “Hello.”

His eyes follow the movement and cracks a bigger smile; his duality takes you back yet again. He whips his eyes back up meeting yours. He releases your hand, all be it reluctantly, but he knows to keep to himself for the sake of professionalism. But God, does it feel almost painful to let go. He is never like this, he’s never felt the need to be close to someone. He needs to keep it together. Why is a mere human having this much of an effect over him? He links his fingers together to keep the urge from holding your hand again, “Hello.”

You feel the need to disclose, “It’s-It’s my first time…doing this.”

He smirks. God, so endearing, “I could tell.”

You want to whine to physically dispel the cringing embarrassment. You had forgotten that they could hear your heart beat and you’re sure much more. Could he smell your sweat too? What else could he sense! Jesus, you’re a mess and nothing has even happened yet.

He licks his lips, he is having a hard time not focusing on the pulse in my neck. It’s like the beckoning call of a mistress at the door of a brothel in the red-light district. And that scent! That sweet scent of fruits with a hint of acidity from stress is drowning him, it’s like fresh sangria wine. Sangria. Sangre. He off handedly wonders if your lips taste like a mix of the two from the way you are biting down on your lower lip hard enough to bleed. He grunts down a groan that was arising in his throat. This siren.

“What’s your name?” He asks in a husky voice, a byproduct from suppressing his noises. He needs to change the subject and loosen the tension in the atmosphere.

You look up, “Y/n, and you?”

“Yoongi, it’s nice to meet you Y/N.” He tests your name on his tongue and it rolls off salaciously. He offers a hand, breaking his self-promise giving him an excuse to touch you again under the disguise of politeness. You took it willingly. He feels how sweaty your hand had become and then he notices a single tear of sweat dripping down your temple. Were you nervous? Was he scaring you that bad? Its kind of expected for a first timer to be nervous, but sweating? He mulls over it for a second, of course you’d be afraid of him, everyone was, he is a vampire. The red shadow.

However, he didn’t want you to be though. It makes the phantom heartbeat in his chest skip a beat at the thought of you disliking him. The rejection hit him viscerally. He didn’t even know you, yet it really matters. He would never hurt the bunny.

He decides to keep the short conversation going. He never usually offers his donors a bit of conversation prior to a transaction, afterall, they’re a meal. This is business, but here he is breaking his own rules for you. “So, Y/N, what brought you here?”

You pull your hands away this time and squint when you believe you hear a whine from Yoongi. You answer honestly, “Work…has been cutting hours and I need the money to make ends meet.”

He raises a brow, a bit surprised at the honesty. A lot of the clients that come in are here for the gimmick or to satisfy some sort of fetish they have. It doesn’t bother Yoongi, as long as he feed at the end of the day he really didn’t care.

He keeps with his curiosity, “Where do you work?”

You habitually lick your chapping lips tasting the minimal Chapstick left, “MYG Technological Corps.”

He licks his lips as you did, he didn’t realize he was copying your demeanor. When he hears the name of the company his eyebrows raise, that was his company. How had he not known about you? Did you know that he was the owner? Was that why you were so shy and nervous?

He fishes for answers nonchalantly, “Really? What kind of work do you do?”

“Marketing,” you relax a bit in your chair. You find yourself rambling, “I enjoy working there. I’ve just started working about two months ago, so I didn’t know much, but it’s a great place. Except…my team manager, he is…a bit of a fuck up. He piles work on everyone else and when he got reprimand for it by his superior he fires people in rage only to realize his mistake when the persons are gone. Then we, meaning me and two other people, have to take on triple the work. “

He’d been gone these past two months on an international business trip to survey the factories that would be dealing with his products. As soon as his flight landed two weeks ago he locked himself in his office, the twentieth floor and top floor. The marketing department was on the third floor; no wonder he never sensed my presence before. Even though he has never sensed me directly, but maybe…that’s why he was more agitated at work. Why he was more sensitive, and why the pills and synthetic blood weren’t working because you were nearby but never near enough to feel that wild pulse.

You heavily sigh realizing you didn’t breathe during that whole venting. “Sorry to vent, you’re just wearing business type of wear, so I assumed you’d relate.”

Ah, so you didn’t know who he was.

He nods in understanding, a bitter smile lifting his lips, “I do, I do understand.” He crosses his legs to hide the fact that anger is boiling in his gut. Someone is working in his company, representing his name and is treating employees, you, like that. He thrums his nails against the arm of his chair as he pictured different ways to punish that manager. The thought of someone mistreating you made the hair on the  back of his neck rise. He let his black eyes dye burgundy not caring to conceal it any longer. Maybe next time he feeds it’ll be ruthlessly from that guy.

He ask, squeezing the arm of the chair digging his nails into the plastic, “Then why here of all places, couldn’t you take up another part time?” Why would you let someone feed off you…someone that wasn’t him?

You took in his nails and a hint of interest filtered through your veins. He easily could sink those nails into you, easily sink his fangs into you no problem. Your strength will never compare to his, even a flick of his wrist is surely impressive. Every time he smiles his knifelike canines’ peek through, but they didn’t seem as daunting as a needle because of the being it was attached to. Even the red in his eyes…made me feel safe in his presence. Maybe this time around you won’t faint.

You tilt your head while staring at your clasped hands, “I could have found a job somewhere, but if I took up another job on my already overworked and underpaid budget, would there be a different?” You unclasp your hands, ”I would be doing it all over at some other place. I wouldn’t have time to sleep, eat or let alone breathe if I did. This,” you casually point between the both of you, “lets me do the part time gig but I get all that work done at once and I get free orange juice.”

You slightly laugh, but no humor was behind it. You fiddle with your hangnail on your thumb. You press down on the piece hoping for it to mend by magic, but it just acutely hurt. No matter how comfortable he makes you feel, the pain reminds you that this is very real. You are sitting in front of a vampire, a stranger, and you were here to donate your blood to him in return for a few hundred dollars.

You are here to challenge yourself, “Also…I’m challenging myself.” You whisper out, “I hate needles. I usually pass out when I get my blood drawn. I’m healthy, but it’s just this weird psychological thing that I have to get over. I want to overcome it and getting paid in the meanwhile kills two birds with one stone. I think that the ‘needle’ being a person instead of sharp metal of piece will help me overcome the fear.”

He laughs, fangs on full display, “So I’m just a talking needle?”

You laugh along with him, although not with the same degree of delight, “I didn’t mean to offend, it just makes it easier to think that way.” You wipe your sweaty palms on your jeans again, but it doesn’t seem to clear the moisture.

The nurse knocks on the door and comes in, she bats her eyelashes at Yoongi, “Have you taken the donation yet Mr. Min?”

You feel your fingers beginning to tremble as you picture his fangs puncturing your neck or wrist. I feel the phantom stab and picture blood gushing out into his mouth. Your brutal and sick imaginations continue on in your childish imagination. The edges of your eyes dampen along with the onset feeling stomach cramps from the sudden nausea.

It’s just a pinch. It’ just a pinch, why were you making this a big deal?

He shakes his head, a bit perturbed that his time with you is being disturbed, “Give us more time.”

She looks at him with a simpering smile and looks at her watch, “I can give you twenty more minutes since you’re the last patients for the night.” Yoongi nods curtly and she steps back out of the room.

He turns and looks back to you. He hears it first, the furious heartbeat, then notices your closed off body language. In a split second when he wasn’t looking, you are back to where you had started. You are picking at your nail, but your eyes are glazed over, lost in your thoughts. He stands up then crouches down in front of you so he could get your full attention. He puts both hands on each side of your chair’s arm rest, forget boundaries he needs to be by your side. “Hey, hey, Y/n, it’s okay. We don’t have to do this if you don’t feel comfortable. Y/n? Y/n? Can you hear me?”

The delusions fade as his voice cuts through your thoughts when you hear your name. Your eyes shot up and look directly in his red eyes. You want to do this, no, that’s not true, you need to do this. You need the extra hundred dollars to make rent. You need to do this!

“I know.” You blink away the tears, clear your throat and lift a shaky hand to brush your loose hair away from your shoulder. With pseudoconfidence you expose the unmarred flesh of your neck to Yoongi and tilt your head to the side, “…but let’s do this.” Your hands were shaking as you lower them down waiting patiently for him to act.

“Y/n, we don’t…,” he whispers your name, but he couldn’t help stare at the pulse under your flesh. He could feel the bags under his eyes lifting. In hindsight he know this may be a wrong idea, but he didn’t want to push you away. You were being brave, and he wanted to respect that. He could smell the fear and anxiety tainting your sweet scent, spoiling the sangre wine. It’s been hard to control himself so far, but miraculously he repressed the monster within. He wants a taste of your sweetness. He needs to answer that pull he feels towards you.

He gets up and moves you to the couch, so you are more comfortable. You readjust yourself and offer your neck again without meeting his eyes.

It’s just a pinch, then it’ll be over soon.

He touches your neck as a test, running the back of his knuckles over the soft flesh. He wants to see if you are okay in small steps. He could feel the spike in your heart rate when he touched you. His instincts enjoy that reaction, his primal half wanted to pounce. He wouldn’t do that though, with you he’d treat you right. He declares as his voice drops a few octaves, “I’ll take care of you, I promise.”

“I-I trust you.” You nod, and you scoot closer to him proving your point.

A small smirk took over his lips as you lean into him. His eyes soften as he watches you, “I promise to make it quick and painless. I won’t hurt you but tell me to stop if want this to stop.”

You clutch at his shoulders wrinkling his crisp, white shirt and nod, “Okay.”

He cautiously wraps his hand around the small of your back. He brushes away the lingering pieces of your hair from your neck. He watches the pulse under your skin and he could hear the beautiful melody along with it. He couldn’t ignore it any longer, or pass it off as hunger, he wants you and only you. No one else can do this, no one else could touch you like this, or taste you. That is his song.

He tangles his hand into my hair and the other tightens around your waist, his body shakes with your overwhelming warmth. He pulls you closer to feel it against his chest like he wants. Your pheromones are so enticing, it’s fine dining at his clutches. His mouth is watering and his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows hard.He ran his tongue over his centers and pricked his tongue on his sharp fangs and leans into your neck. His soft hair tickles your skin as he inches deeper into the crevice of your neck. He flicks his tongue over the shallow dent of your neck and shoulder. He shivers, eyes half-lidded and crimson red your skin taste more delicious than he imagined.

“Yoongi,” you faintly whisper. You could feel your hearing ring in your ears as your vision was blurring. You know what is coming, so you clutch onto him tighter repeating to yourself: It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay. You try fighting it off by focusing on your breathing instead of the ringing, but his breath against your neck was too much to ignore. The fangs, those pearly white fangs that are going to sink into my neck!

He responds with a noncommittal hum waiting for you to say something. He kissed his way up your neck feeling for the strongest pulse and when he found it he licked it, his saliva partially numbing the area temporarily. When you didn’t tell him to stop, he sunk his fangs in to a vein. The next second blood flowed into his mouth in a steady stream. The taste was euphoric answering his primal desires. “Fuck,” he moans to himself. He’s never tasted such a delicacy; no other blood had ever been sweeter or smoother on his tongue.

He hears your whine at the prick and he pulls you closer to him for support. He runs a hand up and down your spine to ease your tension. He sucks blood from the wound tasting the fine sangria wine. He wants to keep tasting, but he knows that would be dangerous for the both of you. He takes his fangs out cleanly, something that came with practice. He twirls his tongue around the wound to clean up the puncture, the enticing red lines running down your neck weren’t going to be wasted. “My mate,” he growls out as he gingerly licks the wound close. He was so lost in his high the words slip past his lips.

When he comes down from his high he quietly asks, “Are you okay?” Affection firmly is anchored in his chest as he cups his palm over the mark. He had not realized that you are clutching at his shirt tightly, but when he fully pulls back your body keeps moving with the momentum. Your eyes roll back and you slump against the couch passed out. “Y/N! Fuck! Y/n!” He was so lost in the euphoric taste he didn’t feel the jump in your pulse or the slumping of your body against his. You are too addicting, too sweet, too delicious. You are the dangerous one.

He wants this to work, he wants you and only you. If it meant he had to help you overcome this fear, he was willing to do it…because you’re his mate. His own words finally hit him as he stares at your paling face, you are his mate.

He turns to the door and screams, “Nurse!”

Copyright 2018 © by magicalsalamander. All rights reserved. 

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

Fic author ask meme

haha so @veliseraptor​ tagged me literally months ago, as in so long ago I have no idea when it actually was, and I didn’t get all my answers typed up until...now. actually a lot of them were typed up a few months ago and then I finally finished this yesterday on the plane home. no, I don’t know why either

Author Name: 100indecisions on AO3

Fandoms You Write For: it's pretty much all Loki at the moment and has been for the last several years. I've written for other fandoms in the past and I have others on my WIP list, but yeah, it's like 95% Loki.

Where You Post: everything is on AO3, and I do mean "everything" because I get obsessive about that sort of thing. I do still have an FFN account under ladymoriel and most of my fics are reposted there, although none of my most recent fics are because I haven't gotten around to digging up cover images for them. also FFN sucks but I crave attention/validation and there are still some people who only use FFN, so I'll get around to it at some point.

Most Popular One-Shot: for some reason “the state of my head” has 1,157 kudos on AO3, so I guess it would be that one.

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: technically “the adventures of tiny Loki and Thor (and friends),” because it’s a multi-chapter fic (boy is it ever) and it has 1,020 kudos, but if we’re talking actual planned fic it would be “the kindness of strangers” at 623.

Favorite Story You Wrote: man, I don’t know. I’m partial to “I am a time bomb ticking away the hours to blow your world apart” because I like my headcanon and I think I structured it well, and “all this that is more than a wish is a memory” gets points for being the longest thing I’ve actually finished. but honestly I don’t know that I have a single favorite.

Story You Were Nervous to Post: haha well I'm sure there's been more than one, but if we're talking about the fic I was most nervous to post, I think that honor would go to my Grandthorki fic "I will kiss you till your breath is found," which is the most explicit AND most fucked-up fic I've written so far. I was nervous about...so many things with that one.

How Do You Pick Your Titles: probably 99% of them are song lyrics. sometimes I'll start with a specific song that's relevant to the fic itself in some way, but I also have a whole list of song lyrics that sound like good titles to me whether the rest of the song has anything to do with the subject of the fic. often I'll come up with a good lyric early in the process, just like "oh yeah I've had this hanging around in my list for ages and it works here"; otherwise, once I've finished or nearly finished a fic (or much earlier, actually, if I'm obsessing over an aspect of writing it that is...not actually writing, which happens a lot), if I still don't have a title I read through my whole list and make a much shorter list of titles that seem to fit this fic. if nothing from there seems just right, I’ll go hunting through my iTunes library and then Google for semi-relevant song lyrics. on occasion, though, the title comes first or otherwise shapes the direction of the fic, like with "I will kiss you till your breath is found"--I had a vague idea of what I might want to do, but it was very vague and I hadn't committed to it, and then I just happened to listen to some Sufjan Stevens and went "heyyyyy I know exactly what to do and it's terrible and I'm gonna do it, I have a title now, I have to do it"

Do You Outline: it depends on the fic. for long ones, at a minimum I'll write a bulleted list of plot points I need to hit, which often ends up being basically two or three pages of a zero draft that I then struggle to turn into actual prose...and then I often re-do the outline at least once or twice as I go along so I can compress it into something more useful that fits on one page and I can cross stuff out as I go. (if a list can’t fit on one page/view, there’s basically no way I can hold all of it in my head at once.) I often end up with shorter lists of scenes I still need to write and specific things to hit during revisions, too. for short fics it's not really necessary, although I often do still write up something similar if I've let it drag out over way too much time and I can't keep straight what I wanted to do with it. (don't be me.)

How Many of Your Stories are complete: welllll, as a rule I don't post WIPs because I know myself well enough to know that that way lies several different kinds of madness, so in general, my only completed fics are what's up on AO3, and everything there is complete. in practice that's not 100% true because I'm very bad at deadlines and I have a few different fics where I couldn't finish in time and I either posted the first chunk of the fic that still functioned as a self-contained story even if it wasn't the full story I'd planned to write, with the intention of properly finishing it later, or I did the same thing but worse because the part I posted was...not really a complete story. in my defense I've only done the latter a couple times, and in the case of "going down to nowhere" I really thought I'd be posting the rest soon because it was all written, it was just extremely rough, and for various reasons I still haven't gotten around to revising and posting the remaining 80% of the fic. (as far as the opposite issue goes, I have 0 finished fics that I haven't posted anywhere, because I'm too obsessive about being complete to do anything else. I think I do have one old, extremely short, very bad Lost fic on FFN that I never reposted to AO3 because I decided it sucked...and if we're being completely technical about it, I have some stories I wrote as a little kid that are technically fanfic because they featured licensed characters, but nobody wants to see those. all the other old stuff I haven't posted, including at least two Neopets fics, never got finished and that's the only reason I never posted them anywhere.)  

In-Progress: uhhhh. well, this made me realize my posted WIP list is out of date, not because I've finished anything on it but because I have MULTIPLE short fics that were supposed to be QUICK so I figured I didn't need to bother putting them on the list and then they weren't quick because I am so fucking bad at 1) sitting down and actually writing and 2) finishing anything. But yeah, basically what’s on there.

Coming Soon: fuck, I don’t know. Half the fics on my WIPs list are ones I thought I could crank out in one or two sittings, AND YET. But I’d like to finish the rest of my Whumptober fic soon, because that one really should be pretty easy...and I’d also like to finish the short little Endgame fix-it I thought of on my way out of the theater, where 2012!Loki hops universes and revives IW!Loki...and then there’s the even older IW/Endgame fix-it that’s basically just “everything is fine because I say so, let’s have a little recovery”, especially because I’m like 90% sure that one’s almost done but probably some of it needs typing up and then it all needs stitching together...oh, and finally getting around to finishing typing one of two notebooks reminded me that the other theoretically short fix-it where the Guardians pick up both Thor and Loki is also nearly done, I just need to finish typing it. so...one of those, probably.

Do You Accept Prompts: in theory, although I...don't think I get prompts often enough to know one way or another? plus my brain is The Worst, so my general reaction to actually getting a prompt is basically "that's interesting but I have never had an idea in my life, ever, and apparently I'm not starting now", with an added element of social anxiety or something because it's Somebody Else's Idea and that puts a mental block on my ability to develop it as my own idea. so...anyone's welcome to send me prompts, with the understanding that I might well never do anything with it and if I do, it might take literal years.

Upcoming Story You’re the Most Excited For: I also don’t know. I mean, in recently typing up some older stuff (like the one where the Grandmaster decides publicly executing Loki sounds like a fun idea, from which I posted a couple excerpts recently) I got excited about those again, which is a good reminder of why I want to stay on top of my typing, but I don’t know if I’m more excited for one specific fic than others.

Tag Five Fanfic Authors to Answer These Questions: I have no idea who might have answered this months ago so I’ll just say that if you read this post and you want to answer these questions, please consider yourself tagged. yes, that means you.

[team-7-headcanons]

The best hair dryers for 2020

You can go long periods of your existence with a below average blow-dryer and be okay — though somewhat bunched up. Be that as it may, who needs to live like that? You merit a blowout without frizz, flyaways, or some other sort of absurdity a blow-dryer that is substandard will add to your valuable crown. What's more, you have the right to get that immaculate look in the solace of your own home. Be that as it may, once more, you must have the correct apparatuses to execute it, and it very well may be hard to locate the ideal fit, given everything to consider. Do you blow-dry every day? Do you utilize your blow-dryer to fix your hair, or would you say you are searching for something to dry your wavy hair rapidly? Try not to get excessively worried. We've gathered together some blow-dryers at a scope of value focuses that are high caliber and guarantee to assist you with accomplishing each one of those hair objectives.

Dyson Supersonic Hair Dryer

Dyson has sexed up the market with their supersonic hair dryer. The supersonic has been for around multi year really taking shape, cost around 50 million. They made around 600 models to get the flawlessness and tried them on in excess of 1000 miles of human hair. Thus, they have made the quickest, calmest and most hair well disposed dryer ever.

Indeed, the structure of the Supersonic is totally not the same as other hair dryers. The computerized engine in the Dyson is little enough that can sit in the handle rather than at the rear of the dryer head. Also, one bit of leeway of Dyson Supersonic Hair Dryer is that it feels increasingly adjusted when utilized. You won't get arm throb while you are drying your hair.

Utilizing Dyson Supersonic couldn't be simpler. Essentially slide the switch and you are a great idea to go. Like all other hair dryer, the speed and warmth can be changed in accordance with your inclination. You will simply need to tap the fan and temperature catches at the rear of the dryer. Every one of them got four-level showed by the blue LEDs. In the wake of styling your hair, you can squeeze button for impact of cool air that will bolt the styling.

Indeed, one thing you will adore is the speed of Dyson Supersonic. You will cherish it since it evaporates your hair into equal parts time when contrasted with the other hair dryers. It has everything what an ideal hair dryer needs. It won't harm your hair and they will be smoother and shinier. Generally speaking, this hair dryer is over the top expensive yet has everything, a great plan, being agreeable to utilize and all the most recent innovation makes it the best hair dryer in the market.

Jinri Salon Grade Professional Hair Dryer

Jinri Salon works like a professional hair dryer, and is lightweight, calm moreover. With the connection of brush it turns out to be anything but difficult to part the hairs and it guarantees to appropriate the warmth equally. It additionally has a tourmaline ionic innovation which is intended to dispose of frizz,keep hair moistness safe and shield hair from heat harm. It has capacity to keep away from heat harm with the assistance of 2 speed and 3 warmth alternatives and the cool shot catch help you to keep up your look throughout the day. 99% of the purchasers gave it full 5 stars as a result of its light weight and professional execution.

Key Features

Fixing brush

Elite

Amika The Immortal Power-life Dryer

The most engaging thing about the Amika dryer is its long, restricted barrel, which gave me more control than some other dryer I tried. I could get truly near my underlying foundations without having my hair blown around all over the place and, at last, tangled. My hair dried as straight and smooth as it did with the Bio Ionic, as well.

We deducted focuses as a result of the control settings. This dryer has two warmth settings (cool and hot) and two power settings (low and high), each constrained by two individual catches, rather than the flip switches utilized by most dryers. On the off chance that the dryer is blowing cool hair, you click the "hot/cool" catch to change to hot; a similar thought goes for the power settings. Lamentably, you can't perceive what setting they're on, as you can with the standard switches. Indeed, you'll notice by how hot the air is or how strong the air is blowing out, however I thought that it was odd that the controls weren't named to mirror this

At 106.6°F, this dryer came to among the most sultry temperatures we estimated, and I wanted that there was a medium warmth setting, as can be found on the also ultra-hot Devacurl.

Am I being excessively demanding? Possibly. In any case, the Amika likewise was not a top entertainer in our lab tests, either. It was in the base portion of contenders when we tried its quality in the ping-pong ball test.

Remington Hair Dryer with Ionic + Ceramic + Tourmaline Technology

This Remington Hair Dryer takes care of business well without burning up all available resources. In addition, it has a great deal of advantages you'd get with increasingly costly dryers like ionic, ceramic, and tourmaline technology for smoother hair and less frizz.

Regardless of its reasonable value point, this dryer is a quality choice that may leave you astonished by how well it functions. The 1,875-watt max power engine implies you're getting a brisk dry, and three diverse warmth settings and two distinctive speed settings permit you to locate the correct custom setting for your hair type. Hit the virus shot catch for cool air that secures your painstakingly made styles. You even get connections — a diffuser and a concentrator.

FHI HEAT Platform Nano Weight Pro

Getting another hair dryer won't be that much simple as much it shows up. There are huge amounts of brands offering their very own product professing to be the best. You should be cautious and think about each and very thing about a hair dryer. With regards to purchasing another hair dryer, FHI HEAT Platform Nano Weight Pro blows the challenge away. Being the quickest drying time and cherished by the clients make it a standout amongst other hair dryer.

FHI HEAT Platform Nano Weight Pro has been cherished by the customers in view of its lightweight and long additional rope. It has performed and even surpassed the other hair dryer execution double the rate, which settles on it the top decision for a hairdresser or for home use. This may come as an unexpected that FHI HEAT Platform Nano Weight Pro is the most sweltering hair dryer, however outside of the hair dryer is as yet cool when being used.

Having the most recent nano-combination innovation, FHI HEAT Platform Nano Weight Pro is the best hair dryer at adding try to please hair. You will be shocked at how compelling it is on wavy hairs. With its capacity and sight-seeing, you will have the option to fix the wavy hairs effectively. The dryers incorporate diffuser and concentrator that aides in the adaptability for a hair, regardless of whether they are short or long, wavy or straight.

Be that as it may, with regards to the agreeableness of utilization, you won't be as fulfilled. On account of the least demanding control, you won't be bothered by learning the utilization, its exceptionally easy to utilize. By and large, it's an extraordinary hair dryer that does it work viably and furthermore it's entirely reasonable to purchase.

Kristin Ess Iconic Style Professional Blow Dryer

Hair sovereign Kristin Ess (who works with Lauren Conrad and Jenna Dewan) as of late dropped a line of dazzling and reasonable hot devices. This blow-dryer has various highlights you never realized you required, as brushless engine innovation, which lets this child last an incredible multiple times longer than the standard engines. It likewise has a particle setting highlight that you can go on to understand that sparkly look or leave off for volume. It's very tranquil as well, and accompanies a spout to smooth hair just as a diffuser for the curlies out there. With everything taken into account, this present apparatus' a staple to accomplish the cool-young lady hairstyles on Ess' popular Insta.

BabylissPro Nano Titanium Dryer

The requirement for the present hair drying arrangements may be as close as you have however we are presenting to you an imaginative item that can deal with the necessities of hair drying regularly with no issue or harming your valuable hair. This item is a progressive kind from the hair dryer monster Babyliss and is called Babyliss Pro Nano Titanium Hair Dryer. This model is exorbitantly made for active ladies who would prefer not to spend a lot of their bucks and time in salons as this is lightweight, middle of the road and it makes the item remain in the group for its great settings and sky blue external. It works at 2000 watts for quick drying of hair which is more dominant than the other hair dryers accessible in the market today, its watts reaches to 80-1800 which unquestionably demonstrates its value for quick drying arrangements without the worry of harming any of them presented to warming. The Nano Titanium has consolidated 6 sorts of warmth and speed settings assortments which can be utilized at your very own decision. You ought to be in a rush and need to utilize the top warmth work however we don't prescribe this since it can harm the hair, so utilize the mid range warmth to set up the hair drying and understand the genuine intensity of this item for astonishing outcomes. Its cooler temperature is even best for sparkling and delicate hair when they become dry. Nano Titanium has a default cool shot catch while profoundly compacted hair is tossed on hair when you restrict your hair. Additionally you can dry your hair with this for a delicate and glossy look however the people with thick hair will require more warmth power in light of the thick hair which sets aside some effort for drying. Maybe you can attempt its cool shot catch work for setting up a style of your decision, so on the off chance that you need to hold your hair for a difficult day you should have a go at evaporating your hair before setting up a hair splash.

The Nano Titanium Technology has a blend of high warmth transmission alongside ionic innovation which blasts negative particles back in the hair. For smooth and gleaming outcomes enhancing negative particles co-select still charge on hair. Its ionic innovation naturally helps fixing of hair. It has a worked in ionic generator which implies it will be solid for a long time to come. This item is ideal for thick hair just as it excessively quick speed dries the hair right away in the blink of an eye.

Highlights

It accompanies an expansion of a spout for infusing careful volume to hair roots.

Its removable channel permits you to rapidly clean the residue and make certain to clean it in scarcely any weeks without fail.

It accompanies an incredible multi year guarantee which implies that it very well may be fixed or get supplant in the event that you got a glitch/breakdown.

End:

In the event that you detest hanging tight for drying of hairs in times, this item is best for you as it can dry your hair in the blink of an eye. So we suggest this inventive machine for your flawless hairs.

Conair Infiniti Pro

The brand Conair is synonymous with hair dryers, This is an exemplary at a sensible cost, yet redesigned enough to engage a customer scanning for a dryer with somewhat more force.

Be that as it may, this Conair is symbolic of the contrast between a very good quality dryer and a spending one. It was recognizably heavier, appeared to be stronger, and had a more vulnerable air stream than the challenge. Its concentrator spout is excessively wide to adequately focus the air, with side vents that muss up as of now styled hair.

This Conair offers three warmth settings and two paces, however none of them were sufficiently amazing to tame Teich's hair and the outcome was a fuzzy style. At last, Teich needed to switch hands while drying in light of the fact that her arm was exhausted, which needs to accomplish more with the parity of its structure than its 1.1-pound weight.

Jinri 1875w Professional Salon Infrared Hair Dryer

The Jinri Infrared Hair Dryer is about choices. It accompanies three connections — a diffuser, a fixing brush, and a concentrator. It works unobtrusively and has two distinctive speed settings and three warmth settings, so you can pick precisely how you need to dry your hair.

This dryer works quick, drying even the thickest hair in merely minutes. It additionally uses infrared warmth and negative particles, which leaves hair looking smoother and assists with diminishing frizz. This is a brilliant hair dryer for those with wavy hair, as the included diffuser connection keeps hair really still while drying it incredibly quick without frizzing up.

Sam Villa Professional Light Ionic Dryer

All things considered, there are an excessive number of brands of hair dryers contending with one another. Aside from every one of those, here comes Sam Villa Professional Light Ionic Dryer. This isn't some acclaimed brand yet it is enthusiastically prescribed by numerous hairdressers. The Person Sam Villa himself was a beautician and he comprehended what a hairdresser need in this profession.

Sam Villa Professional Light Ionic Dryer is an honor winning hair dryer, made in Italy. The wind current that it gives is more dominant than the various hair dryer running on 1875w engine. Running a 1750w Sam Villa makes it conceivable through the Turbo Compressor Technology. Innovation can give more air and deplete less force waste which helps in speedy drying time.

All things considered, just a brisk drying time and amazing air aren't sufficient for a hair dryer, it must be able to decrease static and frizz for the smooth and in vogue finish of the hair. This is the place the fired tourmaline ionic innovation comes in. Joined with numerous warms and speed settings and cool shot, this hair dryer can oblige diverse hair lengths and surface. Pair up all these the with two pivoting spouts and a diffuser, you have everything requirement for styling your hairs.

Aside from all these, this hair dryer is lightweight and weariness free, particularly remembered the need of the beauticians. The grasp of the hairdryer is likewise comfort free. The back channel of the hair dryer can be opened for simple cleaning. You can't overlook this best hair dryer, considering its staggering feel kept the requirement for hairdressers and highlights essential for styling.

[logancreatesworlds]

The White Queen - (Aro x black!super spy!reader)

Author’s Note:  Okay, so we’re gonna switch gears a little bit.  I found of picture of this beautiful woman (she’s in the collage) and this idea came to my head.  Hope y’all like it.  Thanks!

Warning:  Violence, poison, bit of angst, and a little bit of blood and sex.

Disclaimer:  None of the images are mine.

Prologue

SPLASH!

“Tell me the truth!”

You began to break.

All the lies you had told...the graves you filled...it was all catching up.

“I can’t,” you whispered brokenly.

SPLASH!

“The truth!”

“I can’t!”

“Why?” He asked brokenly.

You looked down, your mouth dry.

“Because...,” you said solemnly, “Because it will hurt you.”

“Aro is coming here?”  Bella asked, her amber eyes widening at the dark news, “When?”

“In a few hours,” Alice Cullen responded as the Cullens hurried up to get ready, “They’re moving fast.”

Indeed, the Volturi did arrive at around 4pm that wintry Thursday evening.  Nobody would have thought anything of importance was up, but Aro’s face didn’t have that usual maniac glee that made other vampire tremble.

Something was wrong.

“Aro,” Carlisle greeted, trying as always to keep the peace, “What a pleasant surprise.”

“Carlisle,” Caius replied seriously.

Aro was silent.

That was odd.  The only time Caius spoke was when he was yelling for someone to be executed.

“Is something wrong?”  

Caius took a moment to reply. 

“There is a matter of concern,” the vampire lord said in an unusually calm manner, “We need to talk.”

After Carlisle let the Volturi into the living room of his him, he got straight to the point.

“You are not speaking Aro,” Carlisle noticed, “What is the problem?”

“He is distracted,” Caius replied frankly, taking off his trademark overcoat and crossing his arms over his black shirt.

“I am right here Caius,” Aro snapped.

The first words the First King of the vampire race had spoken since he arrived.

“I know,” Caius replied, “But you are angry and emotional - which means that you are in no place to rule at the moment.  Let me handle this.”

All of the Cullens’ eyes widened.

Caius never spoke to Aro like that.

“What’s the problem?”  Carlisle asked, finally understanding the weight of whatever issue was before him. 

“A human knows about us,” Caius answered, “We need to find her.”

“What is her name?”

Caius, resisted the urge not to snap at the continuous questions, but he went to answer them regardless.

But Aro intervened.

“(Y/N),” he answered.

“How did this happen?”

“...It all started out months ago,” Aro began.

You walked elegantly with the other guests into a dark and mysterious location.  

Your camera hung around your neck, along with your black Afia frames, which went nicely with your snow white Armi pantsuit.

You made no sound except for the soft clicking of your Giuseppe Zanotti suede sandals on the hard marble floor.

They were also white.

Everything about you, sans your skin, was...white.

“This is Secret Castle of Volterra,” your tour guide introduced.

You remember her name was Heidi.

“It is the oldest and most private structure in the whole city.”

You mentally snorted at the lie.  

That was what Heidi always told the foolish people who were dumb enough to take up on her of “an all-expenses-paid vacation” or “handsomely-paying job.”

After all, who would have known better than you?

You had been scouting her, watching her for weeks.

“The people of Volterra built this great place as a haven of holiness to protect them from the vampires who would prowl the night,” Heidi continued as she led you and the others through the castle.

You had to give it to her.  She was a good little actress.

“Come along everyone,” she said silkily, “We’re almost to the best part.”

Here we go, you thought, readying yourself for the worst.

You all came to two large doors, which opened up.

As you entered with the large group, all of the details came into your view, including the three ethereal men sitting in the thrones and waiting.

All according to plan...

“Ah Heidi my dead,” the head man greeted, “Right on time.”

He was more handsome than your other targets.  He was tall, with hair as long and dark as his suit, and his eyes - in all of their carmine red glory, contrasted sharply against his pale skin.

A vampire...

“Yes, my lord,” Heidi replied with a bow, “They are here, just as you commanded.”

3...2...1...

“Good,” your target replied as the other two men stood from their throne.

Others seemingly came out of nowhere, all with the same red eyes and pale skin.

Then, the doors shut and locked.

Now.

“Feast, my dears,” The vampire commanded, holding his hands out grandly.

The blonde besides him was the first to tackle a human.  

You gasped, pretending to be surprised at his brutal technique, as he seemingly ‘came up for air’ - showcasing his now bloody mouth.

The people screamed and you did too, running where they did so as to avoid being eaten.

Blend in, be silent.  That was what you were taught.

Within less than ten minutes, you were the only one alive.

You cowered back into the stone wall behind you as your attackers closed in on you from all sides.

Your formerly white suit was now crimson with blood, and you waited until your target appeared, ready to take a bite.

If you were unsuccessful, you would be drained of all your blood and your body would be disposed - no name, no date, no obituary.

But you were never unsuccessful...

He came closer...closer...

Never.

You could feel his breath on you.

Lights, camera...

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”  You screamed fearfully, putting on your best show as you cowered away from him.

“Aro!”  a male voice shouted, “Don’t!”

Your target looked over his shoulder.

“Why?” He asked.

So that was his name...

The man, whose face seemed bizarrely morose, came forward and grabbed his hand.

The man’s hungry gaze then turn to intense surprise. 

Within a minute, he was off of you.

“Clean up this mess immediately,” Aro commanded, “Everyone clean up.  Jane, get her to a room and clean her up.”

Though your brown eyes were wide and your body shook as if riddled with fear, on the inside, you smiled.

“Mission Opening” was a success.

You sat silently in the room that ‘Jane’ had placed you in, waiting patiently for your target to come to you.

It was dark, but even if your imagination used to run wild as child, you were still the scariest thing present.

The door opened and you turned around.

Deep, shuttering breaths...

Nervously, you whimpered as you backed away from him into the corner, trying to make yourself look as small as possible.

“Please,” he said softly, “Do not be afraid.”

“A-afraid?”  You replied as you made your eyes wet with tears, “Why would I be afraid?  S’not every day that you live through a group of innocent people being attacked by vampires.”

“You know of our kind?”

“Watching you suck people’s blood kind of gave you away,” you replied, wiping your cheeks dry.

Aro smiled softly as he came toward you.

He moved almost as silently as you did...

“Shhhh....,” he soothed wiping your eyes as your brought the tears back out.

“Calm down.” Aro said softly, “I will not harm you.”

Your breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Please let me go,” you pleaded in broken tone, “If you’re planning to hold me for ransom then you should know I have no money-”

“Shh...,” Aro soothed, gently tracing your soft lips with his fingers, “I told you.  I will not harm you.”

“Then...why won’t you let me leave?’

“Because,” Aro replied, grabbing your hands in his, “You are very special to me.”

July 13th

“My love, are you sure you don’t want something to eat?”

“Honey I’m positive,” you soothed, “Besides I see something far more delicious right now.”

A hungry look glimpsed in Aro’s eyes as you grazed his stone chin with your manicured fingers.

You and he decided to step out for a night on the town and were flanked by Felix, Demetri and Jane.

As the two of you walked, he told you everything you wanted to know about “The Cold Ones.”

“Tell me more about your kind,” you said, curling closer to Aro as your white trench coat billowed in the nightly Italian breeze.

“What else could there be?”  He asked, “We are immensely strong, we do not sleep, we drink human blood - though the man I told you of in Washington lives off the blood of animals along with his...family.  What else is there?”

You stopped, taking his hands in yours and looking deep into his eyes.

“Why did you spare me that night?”

Aro sighed, “Because you are my mate.”

Intel on mating habits acquired.

“Your mate?”

“Yes,” Aro answered, “Each vampire, male or female, has another half - a mate to call their own.  This person is their soul mate, and the vampire cannot function without them.”

“Then...what will happen to me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I am human, honey,” you answered, “I am inching closer to death while we speak.”

Aro smiled softly, taking your cheek in his hard hands, “That is no problem, my love.  I will turn you into one of us.  Then we shall be together forever.”

“I like the sound of that.” 

You smiled and leaned close, planting a kiss on him.

Aro smiled and kissed you again, making your lip lock deeper.

“Forever.”

In that moment, you were compromised.

 That night, you sat in Aro’s study, looking nervous.

His “wife” Sulpicia had found you two in a particularly inappropriate position on top of Aro’s desk.

SMASH!

You winced as the glass broke.

Needles to say, she wasn’t taking it too well.

Against your better judgement, you snuck out of the study and took the short journey to the throne room to see what was happening.

They were at each other’s throats.

“Aro I will not accept it!” Sulpicia yelled. 

“I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU WILL ACCEPT!”  Aro roared.  “SHE.  IS.  MINE.”

“You abandon me for her!”

“Wow, my dear,” Aro snapped venomously, “How perceptive of you!”

“You have been different ever since she came here,” Sulpicia ranted, “You are not as cold as you used to be.  You are gentler, calmer.  ...You are happy.”

“YES SULPICIA, I AM HAPPY!”  Aro ranted, “I have not felt this way in the thousand years I have been like this.  I am myself when I am with her.  I can tell her anything.  She is kind and sweet...gentle.  She is intelligent and the only woman cultured enough to understand the value of The Merchant of Venice.  And the best part?  She’s all mine.”

A tear cascaded down your eyes as you listened to him speak.

Nobody ever said anything like that about you before.

“So yes Sulpicia,” Aro spoke, “I am different with her, because I am happy.  You can either accept that, or I can dispose of you like you were never here.”

“You will not disregard me,” Sulpicia growled, “I will kill that Moorish whore before you-CUUGGGGHT!”

Aro had her by the throat.

“On second thought,” he said coldly, “You services are no longer required.  Goodbye, my wife.”

Then, Aro yanked Sulpicia’s head off like it was plastic and kicked it across the room.

“Jane,” he called.  

The young blonde came in.

“Please have this...trash burned.  I do not wish to smell the filth anymore.”

“Yes Master.”

For the first time since you left, you were unhappy.

Aro had killed someone for you.

It wasn’t that you were shocked.  You knew the kind of man he was, the kind of ruler he had to be...

But when he killed Sulpicia, he had committed a fork - one attack on her, the other on your heart.

Indeed, you thought, Compromised.

September 4th

You curled into Aro, trying to slow down your rapidly beating heart, as her brushed your 4C curls - which were now wet with sweat.

The two of you, after hours of lovemaking, were now curled up naked in his bed.

“Honey that was amazing,” you praised, grazing his chest.

“Mmmmm I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he said with a smile, “Thou it was quite the vision to see you so wet for me.  Those moans of yours are...sinful.”

“You are unkind sir,” you teased, placing playful kiss on his lips.

“Then perhaps you should punish me,” Aro said seductively, pulling you into his arms and meshing his tongue with yours.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Aro huffed as you rolled off him.

He always hated interruptions.

“Aro,” Caius called, “If you are done producing your body weight in sperm, we have business to attend to.”

Aro growled, but relaxed slightly when you kissed his jawline.

“Fine,” he called, “I shall be there in a few minutes.”

“You’re leaving?”  You asked as he got up to head to the bathroom.

“Not leaving,” he answered, sparing you a loving look, “Just working.  Relax for the day, and I shall return later.  We will pick up right where we left off.”

You sighed with exaggerated air as you crawled on the bed, “But I want you to stayyyyyy.”

“My love,” Aro chastised, “Are we really going to - ”

“Mmmmm,” you moaned, parting your legs and rubbing your clit, holding your parted legs wide open so he could see.

Aro bit his lip and the scent of our sex his nose.

“Fuck Aro,” you moaned, your fingers catching a rhythm as you stuck your butt up, “I need you.”

Aro growled, swiftly returning to bed and flipping you over.

“I suppose we could have a quickie,” he said.

Shortly after, your moans filled the castle.

September 4th

This was the longest time since your ascension that you were able to act like yourself.

You did not have to be prim and proper around Aro.  

He loved you whether your were perturbed, goofy, grumpy...

He loved all of you.

Sure, you were compromised, but you didn’t even give C.H.E.S.S. or the Intel they wanted that much energy anymore.

You were happy.

“You are good at this game,” Aro commented, as you moved another white piece on your board.

A Nimzo-Indian.

“Thank honey.  And to my credit, I have been playing for a long time,” you said as Aro moved another black piece on the board, “You might want to be careful though. My bite is worse than my bark.”

Aro smiled, “Well I am sure of that.  You proved that well enough last night.”

You laughed as Aro winked at you.

“You flirt,” you giggled.

“Oh we are way past flirting, my dear,” Aro replied, taking out a book.

“What is this?”  You asked as he handed it to you.

“Just open it.”

Your eyes narrowed playfully, but you did as he said.

You flipped through the pages of The Merchant of Venice copy and your eyes furrowed with interest when you noticed a gap in the pages.

Flipping to it, your eyes widened when you founds its source and held it up to the light.

“Holy shit,” you said.

“It is not much but - ”

“Aro I love it,” you said, “It’s beautiful.”

“Good,” Aro replied, coming around from the chess game, “I want you to admire your engagement ring.”

Oh shit.

“W-What?”

He knelt down in front you, taking your hand in his.

“(Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N), I have never met any woman like you.  You are perfect for me in each and every way and I cannot live without you.  I need you not just to be happy, but to live.  (Y/N)...will you marry me?”

C.H.E.S.S. never allowed operatives to marry.

Too many loose ends and distractions.

Still, a ray of hope glimmered inside of you, the kind that said that you could outsmart a government organization.

You could make this work, you were sure you could.

You just had to tie up some things first.

“Yes,” you said tearfully, “I do.”

“You proposed to her?” Esme asked with large eyes.

“I loved her,” Aro answered, “So yes, yes I did.  I was planning to turn her right after the wedding but...well, you understand.”

“So let me get this straight,” Emmett said, “You’re saying that you - Aro Volturi, king of all vampire kind, fell in love with a woman who turned out to be a super spy and now that she’s disappeared, you want us to help you find her.”

“Pretty much,” Caius said casually, “You didn’t even hear what happened when she left.  I had to find out her dirty little secrets.”

November 3rd

Aro walked to the room you two shared, ready to confront you.

Even with the coming of the wedding, and everyone (sans Caius of course) being cherry for the upcoming occasion, you - for some odd reason, were not happy.

Everybody had caught onto your mood swing.

Instead of being your happy, cultured and goofy self, you were cold, quiet and withdrawn.

Aro opened the door to the room and his eyes widened.

You were nowhere in sight.  Your clothes had been left there, and the window was open.

You were gone.

That sent Aro into panic mode.  All of the vampires in the Volturi had immediately been called back from any assignment and ordered to search for you.

After three days, Caius came into Aro’s study.

“Aro,” he said urgently, “We need to talk.”

“Not now Caius.”

“Yes now!”  Caius snapped, “It’s about (Y/N).”

“What did you find?”

Caius came in a dropped a thick manila file on his desk.

“I had a couple of scouts head to the United States to search for her.  One of them came across a government worker who was about to incinerate her file.”

Aro was confused.

“Her file?”

Caius gestured to it, and Aro flipped through it.

“She is not just a normal woman, Aro.  She’s an operative for the Clarigate Hessian Eradication Secret Society, also known as C.H.E.S.S, based in the United States.  She has over three hundred confirmed kills and she is skilled in multiple forms of martial arts ranging from Jujutsu to Muay Thai.  She is also well versed in the use of multiple military grade weapons.  They call her The White Queen.”

Aro was flipped through the file, looking at all of your victims.

Government workers...rich moguls...German chancellors...they had all fallen by your hand.

He froze.

Everything...every single thing about you...was a lie?

Aro roared with rage, flipping over his desk.

“Find her,” Aro growled, “Bring her back to me!”

“I didn’t take it too well,” Aro explained.

“Holy shit,” Renesmee mumbled.

“Young lady,” Bella chastised, “Language.”

“No,” Caius said solemnly, “She is right.  This woman got to us in a way that no human has.  She lived with us for months, learned endless secrets.  If we do not find her...it could mean the end of all vampire kind.”

Just then, Jane rushed back in. 

“Master,” she said hastily.

That was the first time Bella had seen her shocked.

“Jane...what is it?”

“She’s here.  The White Queen is here.”

Aro, Caius, The Volturi and all of the Cullens rushed to the back yard to see the commotion.

You stood there in your trademark white bodysuit, waiting patiently.

“(Y/N),” Aro said.

“Hello honey,” you greeted solemnly.

“You lied to me,” Aro growled coming toward you, “You broke left me.”

“I know that.”

“You disappeared without a word!”

“I know that too.”

“Was everything a lie?  Our love...all of it?!”

You shook your head, a tear dripping down your cheek, “No.”

“The what was the truth?”

“The truth...is that I love you.”

“You are a government operative.  How can I be sure that you are telling me the truth?”

You said nothing. 

After all, and given the circumstances, Aro was right to suspicious.

Aro roared with rage as he rushed toward you.

Remembering your years of training, you sidestepped him and used his strength to flip him a few feet away.

Getting up after his tumble, he glared at you.

“So that’s who you really are,” he said venomously.

“Yes,” you said gravely, “Attack me again Aro.  Maybe you might kill me and make things simple for me.”

“SIMPLE?! RAHHHHHHHH!”

Aro fought you with pure rage and you blocked every single move.  Everyone watched as the two of you went back and forth in a blur of black and white.

Before the Aro could strike another blow, someone got between the two of you and pushed you apart.

“Enough!”  Caius commanded, “Everyone calm down!”

“She lied to me!”  Aro said angrily, “She left me!”

“I know that,” Caius growled, “But she came back.  And you will hate yourself if you kill her.”

Aro calmed down slightly, but his glare never left you.

“Now,” Caius ordered, turning to you, “You have some explaining to do - ”

“Caius I can’t tell - ”

“Do not dare argue with me after what you did.  You are going to explain and you will do it now.”  

You backed up, “I just came to say goodbye.  I do not have time for explanations.”

“Then you will make time.”

You were grabbed by Felix and Demetri and knocked to the ground.  Jane came and wrapped your arms and legs with hard cables.

“Get her inside,” Caius ordered, “We’ll make her talk.”

You sat across from Aro in the Cullen’s dark basement.

While you were tied to a chair, his arms were crossed and his eyes sharp and narrow.

Oh yeah, he was pissed.

“Why?”  He asked.

“Why what, Aro?”

“Why did you lie to me?”

You shrugged, “You were my target.  I had to collect Intel.”

“Intel on what?”  Caius demanded.

“...On vampires.”

“So that is what this...C.H.E.S.S. is?  An organization meant to hunt us down?”  Carlisle asked gently.

You nodded.

“So you don’t love me then.”

You looked up at Aro, “How did you come to that conclusion?”

“You lead me on for months, charming me...getting me to love you.  Was it all for me, or were just charming me for information?”

“No...no it...it started out as any other mission.  Then...after that kiss we shared months ago...I fell for you.”

“When was our first kiss then?  If you love me so much then you should be able to recall when it happened.”

“July 13th, 9:40 pm near the Caffè di fiori,” you answered instantly.

Aro sighed, momentarily satisfied.

“You could have just told me the truth,” he said.

“I was going to.  After you proposed I immediately started making plans to disappear off C.H.E.S.S.’s radar forever.  I was going to go all the way - fake my death, destroy my files - you name it.  But it wasn’t that simple.  They wouldn’t let me leave since The Queen’s Gambit hadn’t been completed.”

“The Queen’s Gambit,” Caius repeated, “I assume that’s code for your mission to spy on us?”

You nodded, “When an operative becomes compromised, or defects to the enemy side, they have to be put down.  They put a Code Zugzwang on me.  I’ve had two assassins come after me just this last week.”

“I assume you handled them?”

You nodded.

Aro’s eyes were narrowed again, “You’re not telling me everything.”

“What?”

“Do not what me.  You are withholding something.”

You shook your head, “Aro I swear...I’m not.”

Before you knew it, Aro had you by the neck and your body was resting on the chair’s hind legs.

“Tell me the truth,” he growled.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Aro huffed, sitting you back upright.

“Get the water,” he told Caius.

SPLASH!

“Talk!’  Aro growled.

He knew how you hated getting your curls wet. 

The water always made the oil on your scalp itch.

“I said I don’t know what you mean!”  You snapped.

SPLASH!

“Dammit Aro!”  You snapped, “Stop it.”

“Not until you tell me the truth,” he said brokenly, before pouring more cold water on your head.

SPLASH!

“Tell me the truth!”

You began to break.

All the lies you had told...the graves you filled...it was all catching up.

“I can’t,” you whispered brokenly.

SPLASH!

“The truth!”

“I can’t!”

“Why?” He asked brokenly.

You looked down, your mouth dry.

“Because...,” you said solemnly, “Because it will hurt you.”

Aro knelt in front of you, holding your head in his hands.

“Tell me the truth,” he demanded.

“His name is Jack Barnett.  They call him The Player.”

Aro held you in his arms as you told him everything about you - the real you.

When you were eight, your parents were murdered by vampires.

Jack Barnett, a hot new elite agent for the U.S. Secret Service found you.

It was then after meeting you an taking you in that he got a brilliant idea.

An organization, dedicated to wiping the scourge of all supernatural creatures, carried out by young and talented child soldiers who would be nurtured into mindless soldiers.

You were the first.

Jack nurtured you, told you that you were his “special girl.”

It was only after you learned the meaning of sexual assault that you finally understood what that meant.

“He...he raped you?”  Aro asked.

You curled closer to him on the couch as all of Cullens and Volturi members listened in.

“Three times,” you confirmed with a nod, “He thought I forgot.  I was actually planning to poison him after this last mission.  But I didn’t anticipate you.”

Aro smiled, “So...you love me?”

“More than you could ever know.”

“Then we should confront C.H.E.S.S.,” Caius suggested, “And Mister Barnett will die first.”

The Volturi murmured in agreement.

“In that case,” Carlisle said as the Cullens stepped forward, “We’re helping too.”

“Plus I really want you to show me some of those coll fighting moves,” Renesmee commented, plopping down next to you.

You laughed lightly, pinching her cheeks, “Of course I will.”

The next morning, Aro watched from the back porch as you taught Renesmee the Throat Punch and Reverse Roundhouse Kick.

“Your wife is impressive.”

Aro looked over his shoulder to see Bella come up beside him.

“Your daughter isn’t bad either,” Aro replied casually, noting how Renesmee was swiftly catching onto your training.

“She is a fast learner,” Bella said, “And I imagine you are happy to have your Queen back.”

Aro snorted lightly, “A little bit - yes.”

“Good,” Bella commented, patting him on the shoulder, “You should keep her around.  She had a good effect on you.”

Aro smiled again, waving back at you as your smiled and waved at him.

Perhaps you did.

It had been a funny turn of events.

You - the woman who had entered the world with lie on top of lie on top of lie, now lit up his world with justice, honor, truth and happiness.

Ha, the White Queen always did win after all...

Author’s Note:  Aaaaaaaand that’s all folks!  Gosh, this was a long one!  Hope y’all liked it.  I worked REALLY hard on it.  Comment to let me know what you think!  Thanks guys!

@shinyanchorface  @tenaciousarcadeexpert  @princesswagger15  @macfizzle  @valynsia  @siriuslycollins  @hekaates  @twilight-sapphire-lover  @plussizeappreciationfics  @dumbchick  @witchiewinchester  @stark-red19  @emmettjasper  @nerdycaramelgirl  @amethyst-dreams-and-candy-canes  @lovelynervouschaos  @belauriette  @dreatine  @cynbx  @naturally-bri

[ladyrevanhalin]

ONLY LIGHT CAN CAST SHADOW: CHAPTER FOUR - CONNECTIONS IN THE FORCE

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753210/chapters/36745326#workskin

           The way back from Coruscant to Dantooine was full of much discussion between Halin and Alex. After all, with the events of the past day, there was much for them to talk about: The incident in the archives, the results of Alex’s trip, the newly learned information about the advancing Mandalorians and about Halin’s homeworld, Deralia…

           “So what did he tell you of the situation?” Alex asked as he reclined in the co-pilot’s seat.

           “Not much,” Halin said, flicking some of the controls. “We spoke mostly of Deralia itself. He mentioned that the Council was sending a Master to investigate, though he didn’t mention who. I’m sure we could check the records of the meeting though. I doubt that would be among restricted records…”

           There was a hint of bitterness in the tone of her last words and Alex could tell that she was still upset by the Council’s decision on banning her from detailed records of Exar Kun and of the Great Sith War.

           “Perhaps not,” Alex said, deciding to leave the topic for the time being. “I suppose in a worst-case scenario, you could always contact Talon and ask. Though it’s possible the Council didn’t tell him either… Not that it makes much difference, really. I’m sure that they’re sending someone perfectly capable and that Deralia is in good hands…”

           “That’s just it though. They’re not sending someone to aid with the defense on Deralia specifically—the Master is to investigate the Mandalorians’ presence in the outer rim planets under the control of the Republic. Talon doesn’t seem confident that the Jedi Master will be of much help. He’s going to have the planetary defenses on alert and has said he would contact me directly should there be any change in the status of planetary security…”

           Alex blinked. “Contact you directly? All things considered, I’m surprised that you agreed to such a thing…”

           “What choice did I have, Alex? I may not remember him or my parents very well, but… these are my people. It wouldn’t be right to leave them without any hope of aid when they might be in need… Isn’t it the duty of a Jedi to protect the innocent?”

           Alex smiled. “So you plan on helping them if the time comes…”

           “Of course I do.”

           “Would you mind if an old friend tagged along for the ride?”

           Halin laughed a little. “Of course not, but… what, might I ask, inspired this?”

           “Well… after the Knighting ceremony on Dantooine, Opela asked if she could spar with me…”

           Halin grinned at this. “And how did that go?”

           “I questioned her reasoning for wanting to spar with me, rather than with one of the training droids when it was obvious that her skills with a lightsaber were far below my own.… Her reasoning, she said, was because of her talent in forming connections in the Force. She thought that perhaps she could use these connections as a means for better reading her opponent, and since droids are not living creatures with the Force flowing through them, she had difficulty sensing them in the same way that she did organics… You know very well that I don’t like sparring with colleagues, in fear I may end up injuring them unless I use a training saber… But her confidence in herself and in me… it made me feel compelled to allow her to spar with me. At first, I thought she must be manipulating me somehow, but her own reasoning and faith in her abilities made me think… We all form bonds in the Force—between teacher and student, friend and friend… And these bonds make both stronger. Through them, we feed off of each other’s strength and connection with the Force… And I believe that we share some sort of a bond, Halin.”

           He looked at her very seriously. So much so that Halin could not help but to be taken a little aback. “And what sort of bond, pray tell, do you think that might be?”

           “I don’t know exactly… Only that… when I’m around you, I feel your strength, and that with it, I too feel stronger… Please, if the time comes, promise me that you’ll let me come with you…”

           “Don’t you go getting all mushy on me now, nerfhearder. You can come with me, but I think Opela must have made something snap in your brain…”

           Alex forced laughter. “Yeah, maybe… Thanks though.”

           He’d blown it. Maybe now wasn’t the best time to try to bring this up… His sparring session with Opela had made him realize many things about himself that he was still discovering even afterward. She had made him realize the existence of his own bonds—why he could be so open with Halin, despite his generally closed and reserved nature. He loved her! He was sure of it!

           When he was around Opela, she had intensified the connections he felt through all bonds, including his bond with Halin. It was this reason that he had felt strangely when he was previously in Opela’s presence. What was interesting though was that she—Opela—seemed to understand his feelings before he did himself. Perhaps this was why Master Tokare thought so highly of her abilities…

           Maybe when the time was right, he would better be able to explain this to Halin, but for now he was content with their friendship. Given the rules of the Order, he doubted it would ever be more than such, but he could at least hope for her understanding…

           Halin cleared her throat.

           “So… about those schematics…”

           “Oh yes… here,” Alex said, pulling out a chip, which Halin took and, giving a nod in thanks, tucked away in the same pocket as the crystals.

           “I’ll download them to my datapad once we’re docked. Is it an interesting model, at least?”

           “I thought so. It’s rejected prototype blueprints for a new type of protocol droid that the Czerka Corporation has been working on. Apparently, they scrapped the idea though…”

           “Oh? I wonder for what reason…”

           “Beats me. I’m not much one for going over programming.”

           “I wonder if I could build a functioning model… A protocol droid shouldn’t cause any issues. It might help to pass the time, at least. It would also prove to be a great study piece…”

           Alex rolled his eyes. Sometimes he thought that Halin seemed more interested in droids than she was in the living. “Who knows,” he said. And he stood up, stretching. “I’m going to get some shuteye before we come out of hyperspace. Will you be alright with things here on your own for a couple hours?”

           “I can manage. Go rest.”

           Alex excused himself to the sleeping quarters of the Stalwart Nightingale. The ship was a rather small freighter, so they were nothing extravagant, but it was more comfortable than the cockpit. The young man disrobed and then flopped onto one of the bunks, letting out a sigh as he did so. He was scheduled to head to the Academy on Taris soon after they would arrive back on Dantooine, It was just a brief assignment—merely to scout some of the new talents among younglings there—but he was going to be on his own this time, and the thought startled him.

           Ever since being brought to the Academy, he had always been able to follow someone—his Master, Halin, the Council… This would be his first time taking up the position of a ‘leader’ of sorts.  Others of the new Knights had received similar assignments: Opela Moraf on Dantooine, another on Coruscant, one on H’ratth… The idea was that they would serve as an inspiration to aspiring Padawans.

           Alex closed his eyes, allowing his mind to grow calm as the Stalwart Nightingale continued to barrel peacefully through hyperspace.

><><><><><

           “For how long will you be gone?” Opela asked as she followed Master Kavar through the corridors of the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine.

           “For as long as the investigation demands,” Kavar replied. “It could be a few months, it could be a couple of years… It honestly depends on what the Mandalorians are planning in the Outer Rim, and how they go about executing that plan. Don’t worry about me though. I’ll be sure to keep in contact from time to time. Besides, you have your own assignment to be worried about right now. I heard the Council has entrusted you with a special task here on Dantooine. To serve as the role model for the next generation of Jedi… it’s a great honor. I couldn’t think of any better choice for the task.”

           Opela blushed with modesty. “I fear I may not be ready. It is a big responsibility… And what if they should have questions to which I do not know the answers?”

           “Trust in the Force,” Kavar said, stopping and turning to his friend. “I’m sure you know more than you realize… and if you cannot find the answer within yourself, challenge them to find the answers to their questions by searching within themselves. The path to becoming a Jedi is one of self-discovery. They cannot expect to be spoon-fed all of the answers.”

           Opela smiled. Master Kavar always seemed to know the right things to say. While a Jedi Guardian, there was no doubt that he possessed the wisdom of a Master in fields beyond that of combat. “You are right, Master Kavar. I wish you luck on your journey. May the Force be with you.”

           “May the Force be with you,” the Jedi Master replied, and the two bowed to one another in respect before parting.

           Opela continued down her own path to the Enclave’s mess hall. It was a jovial place where Jedi of all ranks came to have a bite to eat while at the Enclave on Dantooine. She went along the self-service line, selected a couple pieces of exotic-looking fruit and some sort of unleavened bread, then looked for a place to sit and enjoy her light meal. She noticed a mostly empty table where sat Alex and Halin, the former gorging himself in a sort of stewed meat, and the latter sipping a cup of tea while reading something from her datapad. Opela approached them.

           “Mind if I sit here?” Opela asked them.

           Alex looked at her with his mouth full, unable to politely respond, and Halin gave a silent gesture without looking up from her datapad, to indicate that it was okay for Opela to sit. The blonde woman joined her companions at the table.

           “Aren’t either of you nervous for the upcoming assignment? I think I would be less nervous if I weren’t staying here on Dantooine, but… these children could see my actions at any time… Alex, you’re going to Taris, are you not?” Opela looked to the barrel-chested man for a reply.

           Alex swallowed down what he had been chewing. “I am,” He replied. “Can’t say I’m any less nervous than you though, even if I don’t look it.”

           “And what about you, Halin?” Opela asked, turning to the other.

           “Who, me? Oh, I’m not going?”

           “Not going? Why not?”

           Halin set down her tea and her datapad and looked Opela in the eye. “I’ve been deemed a ‘bad influence’,” she said, putting air quotes around the last part of her sentence. “I guess they don’t want my questioning authority to rub off on the younglings…” And with this, she went back to her tea and datapad.

           Opela looked at her quizzically. “Bad influence… I don’t understand… You’re one of the most gifted students to have come out of the Academy in recent years.”

           “Talent and personality are two different things, sweetheart. We can’t all be blessed with the best of both.” Her words were tinged with a sarcasm that Opela couldn’t understand.

           “I think what Halin means to say,” Alex said, interrupting the situation, “is that the Council would rather give her some time to reflect upon…. recent events before allowing her to consider taking a Padawan.”

           “Recent events?” Opela repeated, even more confused than before.

           Alex opened his mouth to explain, but Halin shot him a look that made him hold back his words. “It’s nothing, really,” he said instead. “Personal matters. They are of no concern…”

           “I see,” Opela said, not seeming so convinced, but deciding not to push further for the time being. Instead, she took a bite of the unleavened bread on her tray. “Well… If you’re still going to be on Dantooine during the time, you’re more than welcome to assist me in addressing the younglings here.”

           “Why would I do that?”

           “Well… I think it’s important for the youth to be able to see many different types of Jedi with different views and talents… I’m sure that they’ll have questions, and I cannot possibly answer them all. You’re one of the most brilliant women I know. I’m sure you could come up with something…”

           Halin sighed. “I don’t want to cause any trouble for you….”

           “It’s not trouble at all! This is my assignment, and if I feel you are up for the task, then that’s my choice.”

           Halin bit her lip, musing upon the idea. It wasn’t that she wanted to refuse really… Simply that she didn’t want to cause any more trouble than she already had recently. “I suppose if I’m not busy during the time I could at least drop by… Are you certain this is what you want though?”

           “I am certain.”

           Halin nodded, then went back to her tea.

           “Forgive me, I don’t mean to intrude, but… you seem… distracted. Is everything all right?”

           Halin sighed and set the datapad down, clutching her cup of tea in both hands. “I’m fine. It’s just that a lot has been going on lately…. Things that I couldn’t have even begun to anticipate myself…”

           “What sort of things?”

           Halin hesitated. “Well…. I met my brother while Alex and I were on Coruscant… It wasn’t planned, obviously, and certainly not expected either….”

           “What was he doing on Coruscant?”

           “He came to request an audience with the Jedi High Council on behalf of Deralia… It’s…” Halin swallowed and lowered her voice, not wanting to attract the attention of any extraneous ears. “It’s the Mandalorians. They’ve been attacking planets on the Outer Rim. So far none of the attacks have been on the Republic, but…. the last time that the Mandalorians launched such a series of attacks, it resulted in a full-blown war, eventually leading to the Great Sith War… I fear that, if things get any worse, another war will come, and there won’t be any chance of stopping it…”

           “That must be why Master Kavar was headed to the Outer Rim…” Opela murmured.

           “I beg your pardon?”

           “Oh! Sorry… Master Kavar was telling me that the Council was sending him to investigate Mandalorian activities on the Outer Rim,” Opela replied. “My guess is that it has something to do with why your brother was contacting the Council…”

           “So they sent Master Kavar, huh…” Halin felt a little relieved by this bit of information. After all, Master Kavar was quite skilled and was one of the only remaining Masters who had participated directly in the Great Sith War. “That’s good news, at least. He more so than most would understand exactly what is at stake…” And with this, she stood. “I’m sorry, but I have a lot on my mind and I feel I need to meditate on this… Please let me know when you will be working with the younglings. Time permitting, I will come to see you.” Halin bowed graciously and left in solitude. While she hoped that a war would not come as a result of the recent occurrences, she knew better than to lie to herself by denying the possibility.

           Opela redirected her attention to Alex after Halin’s parting. “Did you speak to her?” she asked him.

           Alex shook his head. “I tried, but… it’s difficult for me to put into words…”

           Opela smiled a little. “Bonds are funny that way… they are easier to feel than to provide a tangible description of. I suppose the Force is a mysterious thing in that sense… The time will come though. Let me know if you need any help until then… I think she knows that you admire her. Perhaps if things were different, you would serve well as her pupil, always so ready to follow her… It’s beautiful, really.”

           Alex blushed a little. “Jedi are warned against forming emotional attachments…”

           “Perhaps, though the existence of emotions and of bonds is perfectly natural… It is how we control them, rather than letting them control us, which makes Jedi different from most…”