#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see

[kooktrash]

his special secret II | kim taehyung

summary: getting into a relationship with your professor was never in your agenda. you knew it was wrong on some level but it was hard to think of that when he made you feel so good. now it’s been some time since you got together and the secrets are slowly unraveling but who says it’s all bad?

➢ genre/au: college art professor!tae x art student!y/n [she/her… afab] [age gap 9 years]

➢ 13.5k words

warnings: smüt. secret relationship. tae is 30, y/n is 21. oral [f]. make out. groping. tae is divorced. both got cheated on in past. jealous tae. dirty talk. makeout in art closet. y/n is confident but going thru it. professor x student. missionary. tae’s ex finds out and she’s a bitch. y/n is kinda closed off but works on opening up to him. tae thinks everything y/n does is cute. changed it so Namjoon is the ex. fluff ending

THIS IS THE FINAL PART. read part one

You felt utterly ridiculous. You know you agreed to dress as a bunny tonight but clearly you didn’t think things through.

One, it’s kind of cold. You’re at a house party but with everyone going in and out, windows open, ie, you’re cold. The costume was an extremely vague definition of a bunny costume. You were dressed in mostly black, a simple black mini skirt with faux black fur on the hem, a black top, back bunny ears and tail. You even had gloves that turned to mittens if you flipped them up and it made them look like paws. You just weren’t dressed warmly.

Two, you’ve been hit on a lot more than usual. It’s probably the fact that everyone’s drunk at this point and you’re wearing very little clothes. Usually you would play along, never giving in, but you know… playing nice. If the conversation went well then you would get more involved but tonight you couldn’t do that. No, you won’t do that. You and Taehyung… you’re dating but also not? It’s a very tricky situation yet it also made perfect sense. It’s lowkey, the lowest of lows but that didn’t mean you could flirt with people right? That’s why you’re slightly uncomfortable being hit on tonight—probably because of this stupid bunny costume.

“We look so fucking stupid,” you groaned as you chuffed back your drink fully in hopes of getting drunk enough that you won’t think about it.

“It’s all Jungkook’s fault.”

“Woah! I thought this was a classy party so let’s not point fingers now,” Jungkook said in pink bunny ears because he thought it would be so funny dressing like a bunny. In reality he had no costume and Bora was between choosing pink or white and when she decided on white Jungkook was stuck with the pink. He begged you to trade but you had an entire outfit already so you weren’t going to now.

His hands were up in surrender,

“Jungkook, it’s your fault. We were only supposed to be bunnies, you could’ve done literally anything else,” Bora said, making Jungkook roll his eyes.

“That would’ve looked so stupid Bora, are you dumb? Three bunnies at least makes it look like we planned this all ahead for pictures — which we need to take soon,” Jungkook said pointing at you two.

“Whatever you want to do, let's do it now because I’m not staying long,” you said as you typed away on your phone. You have been talking to Taehyung for a while through text and he will be coming for you soon.

“Why?” Bora asked as she twirled a piece of your hair between her fingers casually throwing in a compliment about how nice it looked.

“I’ve got work tomorrow and I have assignments to do,” you said as you locked your phone and put it down.

Jungkook’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, “It’s late as hell, you’re not gonna do assignments.”

You looked back at him with a poker face, “I have to try.”

“Y/n, you bullshitting me?” He asked with an amused expression.

“Probably.”

“Are you seeing someone?” He asked skeptically. All the signs are there, he's just trying not to jump to conclusions.

“I already told you no,” you rolled your eyes.

“Wait, why do you think Y/n is seeing someone? Are you seeing someone?” Bora asked, looking between you two confused.

“No, I’m not,” you said to her plainly.

“You’re a liar with pants on fire,” Jungkook said with a scoff. He really just wants to know, he has an idea on who with but he can’t just say it.

“I’m not wearing pants,” you said and he was so close to choking you out because why are you being so condescending?

“It’s a metaphor.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard it before but I don’t get it, I know it’s probably some history joke but it just doesn’t make sense, right?” You said with a little laugh making him nod his head in agreement.

“Wait. Stop changing the subject. Who are you seeing?” He said.

You laughed, “No one.”

“Y/n.”

“Jungkook.” You repeated in the same tone he used with you.

“Bora.”

“Bora shut up,” you and Jungkook said at the same time.

“Sorry that I don’t know what you guys are talking about,” Bora said with a scoff. As much as you loved Borea, she was the slowest of you three and never caught onto things as quickly. You’re not surprised that Jungkook suspected this since he brought it up the other day but you wanna see how long you can deny it.

“Go somewhere else then for a couple minutes,” Jungkook said pointing at a random corner of the party trying to direct her over there.

“You guys suck,” she said, flipping you off.

“Love you Bora,” you said with a wave as she walked away.

“Liar.”

“Why don’t you just admit you’re dating someone?” Jungkook asked and this time you couldn’t take the annoyance that was brewing.

“Jungkook, why are you pushing it? What does it matter?” You asked running your fingers through your hair to move it out of your face.

“Because I have my suspicions and if I’m right I want to at least make sure you’re okay,” he said and he was being honest. The last guy you dated cheated on you and the one before that was a manipulator so he feels like as a close friend of yours he has a right to make sure you’re not seeing another asshole.

“What are your suspicions?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

“You’re dating someone from campus.”

“Dating but in the loosest of term,” you said.

He rolled his eyes, “Alright seeing, you’re seeing someone on campus.”

“Okay sure.”

“But not a student,” he said, waiting to see if you’d react but you didn’t so much as blink.

You huffed in annoyance, “Stop speaking in incomplete sentences and just spit it out if you know.”

“Your professor.”

Your jaw dropped, “You did not just say that.”

Okay, you knew he thought you were seeing someone but there’s no way you two were obvious enough for Jungkook to notice. What a hypocrite you were as if you didn’t just tell him to spit it out.

“I did,” he said with a triumphant smirk now that he got an actual reaction out of you. You fought like little kids but it might be because you’re both just a teensy bit drunk.

“Jungkook, I'm not seeing my—him, and don’t say that again, someone might hear,” you whispered the last part.

“Alright, first of all you told me to spit it out, second don’t deny it, Y/n,” he said, making you roll your eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Deny. Deny. Deny.

“Girl, I just know. Bora’s been joking nonstop about it and I think you really did sleep with him at least. You’ve been ditching us more — which is normal… but I’m just saying, you won’t even tell us who it is. You’re being so secretive about it and it makes me think it’s him. Plus, any time I’m walking past the art room or walking you there I always see the way he looks at you. And what do you do? Well you get all blushy but nervous and guess what I found the other day? A big fat hickey on his neck the same day he got mad I was in the room,” Jungkook with w gasp at the end from how fast he rushed everything out.

“Jesus Christ, you’ve been holding all of that in?” You asked with a little laugh.

“Yes! I have, so I’m literally begging you Y/n just tell me I’m right,” Jungkook said.

“Fine! You’re right, I’m sleeping with him,” you groaned but he just cheered.

“Oh thank god,” he said, holding a hand to his chest, “You got a few screws loose or something?”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“And you’re so fucked.”

You didn’t argue on that as you released a sigh, “Yeah, I know.”

“So is he gonna come pick you up?” Jungkook asked now and you nodded your head as you checked your messages where Tae texted that he would be here in five minutes. He raised a hand to your black bunny ears and flicked the headband back, “Be safe.”

You smiled as he left your side, that was your best friend’s way of saying he would support you and your decisions. When Taehyung arrived shortly after you left the apartment door hugging your sides feeling a lot more naked now than you did inside the party.

Outside the building a guy dressed in an oversized gray hoodie, black ball cap, and black sweats stood at the door waiting and he turned to look at you, you smiled. You looked behind you as if you would see someone you knew coming down the stairs and when it was clear you practically ran to him.

Taehyung released a soft laugh as you nearly jumped on him looking exactly like you were supposed to, a cute bunny overly excited to see him. Why did you make him smile so much when it’s just the two of you?

“I’m cold,” you said with a pout as you hugged his waist, “I forgot my jacket at Jungkook’s place.”

“Mm,” he hummed, his thumb caressing your cheek softly as he couldn’t stop himself placing at least one kiss on your lips. It was short and sweet and he was quickly pulling away to take off his hat first. His hair was beginning to get longer and the fluff and waved made it look shaggier than usual. Usually you always see him looking all sexy and professional in class but whenever you get to see him looking like the epitome of boyfriend material, your heart flutters. His long hair shielded his face as he dipped his head down to pull off his big hoodie and handed it to you before slipping his hat back on.

Once it was on he took you by your hand and walked the short distance to where he had the car parked and asked, “Did you have fun?”

“It was alright but too many people,” you said, thanking him for holding the car door open for you. Before you fully got in the car you gave him a quick kiss that had him smiling.

The two of you sat in the car for a moment, the car was on and the overhead lights were on and he just grabbed your hand to press a kiss to your knuckle, “You’re coming over, right?”

“Obviously,” you smiled as you leaned over the console for another kiss. It’s like you just couldn’t keep your hands off each other, he was kissing you back just as eagerly.

The further you leaned back the more Taehyung followed after you and by accident, your bunny ears hit the rear view mirror and knocked them down your head. You whined about the sudden pain while he was hit by one of the black ears making him move back laughing. You smacked your lips in annoyance as you sat back properly and yanked them off. He bit back a smile as he reached up to turn off the light and drive off.

He would be lying if he said he was patient but in truth, he couldn’t wait to have you. You ran for his bedroom chasing each other's mouths and when you were inside, you practically pushed him onto the bed giggling like you’ve just had the best idea ever. Taehyung felt so giddy in the moment and all he could do was smile as you took off his hoodie and slipped back on your bunny ears, “Well? You don’t like my costume? I thought I looked at least a little hot.”

“So cute,” Taehyung smiled boyishly and it took everything in him not to dig his face in one of his pillows. You crossed your arms over your chest rolling your eyes playfully and pretended like you didn’t see his outstretched hand beckoning you forward. You crawled onto the bed knocking the headband off your head as he began to kiss along your arm, guiding you to lay down so he could get on top and kiss you. You gladly let him take the lead, arms wrapping around his neck to hold him while his tongue licked along your lip.

Your legs were spread around him hoisted up at the knee and he took the chance to sit up between them and just take in the sight of you. You looked so pretty and he couldn’t stop himself from pulling on your clothes to get them off. He kissed along your exposed thighs trailing up toward your stomach and purposely skipping your pelvis even if his hands grazed your hip bones.

You wore nothing under your costume and Taehyung would be lying if he said that didn’t make him just a little jealous. It wasn’t anything serious but all he could think about tonight was how many people would hit on you. It’s no secret you were very pretty and he always worried that you’ll realize he’s too old for you and he can’t have that. If it means he has to give you all the pleasure your body can take, he will.

Taehyung looked at your exposed breasts licking his lips. Once your eyes meet he couldn’t help but finally hover over you and press open mouthed kisses to your mounds, swirling his tongue around your nipples in a way that caught you by surprise making your hand circle into his hair. Taehyung tugged a stiff bud between his teeth, rolling the other between his fingertips and you had to bite down on your lip to keep an embarrassing moan from slipping out.

“Tae, please,” you whine, rubbing your thighs together in an attempt to get an ounce of friction between your legs. You would be a liar if you said you hadn’t been thinking about this all night. He hasn’t paid much attention to your gear yet but if he did he would see the clear line of arousal that coated your entrance.

Taehyung lets his lips ghost over your inner thigh, nipping gently at your soft flesh and his fingers seemed to dig into where he bit and spread your legs even further apart.

“I’m trying to appreciate what a pretty bunny I have,” he murmurs, pressing a warm kiss to the spot just below your belly button, “You look so hot, all those pictures you sent me almost made me want to keep you all to myself tonight.”

It was true too. Earlier he had to see his ex at the restaurant and he had wanted to spend the night with you but you had already made plans and he didn’t want to keep you from it. When you showed him your costume he was just alone at his house trying to talk himself out of calling you and asking you to wear it for him and him alone but he knew you should go and have fun with your friends.

In the end he couldn’t stop himself from going to pick you earlier than expected, tired of waiting.

His soft hair brushes against your inner thighs as he finally dips his head between them, finally seeing how wet you were and his fingers dug into your thighs unintentionally, “Baby, how long have you been like this?”

“All night,” you confessed, “Couldn’t stop thinking about you—ngh, fuck.”

Taehyung didn’t even let you finish when his tongue licked your wanting folds, releasing a quiet breath of relief at your taste. He does it a couple times as if testing the water and each time a line of slick connects your cunt to the tip of his tongue when he would pull away.

“Poor baby, I’ll make you feel good, okay?” he breathes.His lips close around your clit so suddenly that your body reacted drastically. Your spine curved off the bed, a hand tightening around his hair pulling on accident and he releases a low groan at the hard tug but it only made him be rougher. He pulled your legs over his shoulders so they weren’t in the way when his tongue lapped at your pool of arousal before coating your clit with it. His arms had hooked around your thighs to keep you from squirming away from him and he could tell you loved his soft manhandling. He purposely nudged his nose against your clit feeling you begin to grind your pussy against his lips seeking your own pleasure and he happily let you use him to get off. Everytime he went lower he dipped his tongue teasingly into your entrance before pulling on your left labia knowing it was more sensitive between his lips to listen to your moans grow louder.

“Taste so sweet,” he hummed in appreciation and finally decided to really put his tongue to work. Taehyung alternated between flicking his tongue over the swollen bundle of nerves and flattening his tongue into your folds and moving it side to side before swallowing it whole in his mouth. He was quite literally making out with your cunt and he held you firmly to keep you from moving away.

You were so close already and he wasn’t easing up when you pulled on his hair in warning, “Tae, I’m so close.”

“Mhm,” he nodded his head, feeling your pussy subconsciously following his head movement to keep his mouth on you, “Go ahead, let go, pretty girl.”

Without much warning a hand left your thigh so that his middle finger can toy on your entrance and before you knew it he was pushing it into your wanton beat. You released a loud whine trying to squeeze your legs around his head to push him back but he only pressed a second finger into your slick. You were so close already and he wasn’t easing up until he tasted your release on his tongue. Taehyung knew exactly where that soft spot behind your pubic bone was and curved his long fingers into it, repeatedly pressing into it every time he thrusted his fingers back in. You have to admit, he eats your pushy bettwr than any guy you’ve ever been with and it’s all because of how experienced he was. You almost felt jealous at the thought of how many times he went down on his wife like this—even if he told you it had been a long time since they were last intimate.

Taehyung was unaware of your growing thoughts, too focused on making you cum and unintentionally he snapped you out of your thoughts when he suddenly pulled his fingers out right before your orgasm hit you and replaced it with his tongue. Immediately your body seemed to react to the change and you pulled hard on his hair as you saw stars.

He kept his grip firm on your leg making sure his tongue licked up all of your release like a dog in search of water.

Even as your body tried to calm down he licked at your clit gently, soothing you down as he messily tried to sneak a hand down to his sweats to tug them down.

You both looked at each other with hungry eyes as he sat back on his haunches to yank his shirt off before moving to take his sweats and boxer briefs off. As if knowing the routine, you reached into his nightstand to find the box of condoms he bought with you and ripped into the package watching him stroke himself for some relief and let it point straight.

You sit up pulling him down by the gold necklace he usually wore and kissed him hard, tasting your own release on his tongue and it was all so messy. His chin was coated in your arousal that rubbed off on you and his stiff cock was in your hands as you worked the condom onto him. Taehyung fell forward making you fall back onto the bed as he pressed his hands into the mattress to keep from crushing you.

“Look at what you do to me, baby,” he groaned as he fucked his hard dick into your fist. You just moaned leading him toward your push and he slid in right between your folds teasingly as he ran his tip along them.

“I need you,” you whisper into his ears as he drops his head down against your chest to watch his cock catch against your opening and finally rock his hips forward.

You couldn’t stop your hips from meeting his and guide him in further with a moan, “Fuck.”

You arch up, pressing your breasts closer to his face and he wordlessly wrapped his lips around a hardened nipple in time with the way he pushed in until he was at the hilt.

“So tight,” he rasps around a nipple; slowly beginning to fuck his long dick inside you. You moan at the tug he made between his teeth when he draws his hips back before fucking into you harder this time. Taehyung was shamefully close to orgasm because of how hard you pulled on his hair and his back was curved up making him practically curl into your body to stuff his cock deeper. Your nails scratched along his back moaning his name, “Taehyung, I can’t—“

God; he turned you on so much and you were already so sensitive. Your legs hooked around his hips, the heels of your feet forcing him even deeper as your walls tightened around his length making him moan, slobbering all over your tits.

“You’re so fucking good to me, Angel,” he fucked you hard and slowly making you feel his entire length. His hair ticked your chin as he pulled his mouth away to trail kisses up your neck until he could kiss your lips. “Why are you so pretty?”

He was looking at you lovingly, driving his dick deeper and deeper and curving his hips at an angle that made him hit your sweet spot everytime.

You can only moan in response when Taehyung tried to pull out halfway but your feet wouldn’t let him and he had to resort to rocking and grinding his hips against yours, practically rutting into you.

“I don’t know,” you finally responded to his rhetorical question. You can feel the familiar tremors of another orgasm starting, making your thighs shake and he doesn’t ease up, determined to making you cum a second time before letting himself go. You dug your nails into his shoulder making him his at the pleasuring pain and your voice rose to a high pitch, “Oh my god, I—I—“

He kissed you hard as your orgasm hit you, making you tighten around his cock so hard that you triggered his own orgasm. “Oh fuck,” he groaned as he rocked his hips, cumming hard into the condom and hugging your body to his listening to your breathless pants.

After a moment to catch your breath, he pulled out carefully, dryly swallowing as he ran a soothing hand up your trembling thighs, “You did so good, you always do.”

“Mhm,” you mumbled, already turning on your side, completely tired out. Taehyung just smiled at the sight of you trying to curl yourself into the blanket and as he watched your eyes close tiredly, he cleaned off the mess from the two of you before crashing down onto the bed next to you.

“Honey, wake up.”

You released a soft moan as you rolled onto your stomach making the comforter wrap around you as you dug your face into the pillow. A low laugh filled the room as Taehyung reached a hand out to your hair. You were quite literally the definition of comfortable sleep. Your hair was a mess because of your eye mask, the sheets were tangled between your legs and you’re spread out on the bed with no care in the world.

He brushed some of the locks out of your face, “Y/n, wake up.”

You huffed as you pulled yourself up enough to reach for your phone and checked the time, a whine left your lips, “Tae, it’s like 11 in the morning, are you crazy?”

He looked at you strangely, “It’s noon, Y/n.”

“And a Sunday,” you told him as you slipped your sleeping mask back on, “You know how late it was when you picked me up from the party, how are you not tired? Plus, I have to work tonight.”

“Fine, sleep all you want then, I’m gonna do some work,” Taehyung said with a slight roll of his eyes. You’re right, it’s a Sunday and typically those are lazy days, especially for Taehyung. He likes to just hang around the house reading, playing classical or jazz, maybe enjoy a coffee outside and you know… having the person you’re seeing join you.

He gets it, he really does. You’re tired and you did have a late night. He did too but he hadn’t gotten tipsy so he’s not hungover. He woke up early and did his usual Sunday habit but once it passed noon he wanted to see if you’d wake up anytime soon. You do work tonight and he probably won’t see you tomorrow so he would like to be with you today but you’re clearly tired.

You have a very chaotic schedule like most college students trying to bounce between strange class times and stranger work schedules so honestly your weeks all look different. He’s got more consistency clearly so he has time to relax and be at home or go out for drinks without having to do things so late. It’s clearly been a little difficult making your schedules align sonce yours is unpredictable. Some days you have early morning lectures and late night shifts. Other times you have three lectures in one day but they’re hours apart and they go well past the sun sets. Some weekends you work, some you don’t. Sometimes you get off early, sometimes you get asked to cover a shift.

Don’t even get him started on your crazy schedule for your art piece for the exhibition. You’re stressed and tired and last night you had your fun.

You went out with your friends, got drunk, danced, did whatever… maybe talked to guys or played a drinking game—just had fun. Then of course the two of you had done some things in the car when you sobered up enough and the night just grew later and later.

So he let you sleep.

Things have been tense for you lately. With school, work, the spring exhibition, balancing your friends and still trying to make time to at least talk to Taehyung, it’s all been too much for you. To make matters worse, you and Jungkook aren’t speaking to each other and if you do it tends to end in an argument over the same thing each time.

“You wanted me to be honest and I was,” you told him as he walked with you to the art room, “So why can't you just trust that I know what I’m doing?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Y/n. You’re my best friend, of course I fucking trust you and that’s not why I keep trying to talk to you about this,” Jungkook said as the two of you stopped in front of the building, “I’m worried for you, alright? How long has it been since you and Hoseok broke up?”

You didn’t say anything because you knew he wasn’t actually asking. He didn’t even give you time to speak anyway, “And when did you hook up with V?”

When Jungkook said V he was referring to Taehyung, it was an easy nickname you could use in public. Once again, Jungkook didn’t give you much time to speak, “I get it, everyone wants to have a rebound and I was all for it, I was joking right there alongside Bora about it.”

“So then what are you trying to say right now?” You asked him with your arms crossed over your chest as you leaned against the building wall with windows, you knew that if Taehyung was inside he would be watching.

Jungkook took a deep breath as he moved to stand close to you, “What I’m saying is I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

“I won’t,” you told him but it was very clear he didn’t fully believe it.

The thing is, Jungkook really did care for you. He loved you and it wasn’t in a romantic way, he just loved you as a friend and that wasn’t something up for debate. If Bora was going through this exact situation he would be equally concerned.

It’s not that he has a disliking toward Professor Kim because if anything, it’s the complete opposite. He has a lot of respect for the guy because of his professionalism and what he’s done to help his students. Jungkook doesn’t think Taehyung has bad intentions with you but he also can’t fully support a relationship that has been built because the two of you went through very similar experiences and you’re both still coping.

And you can lie to yourself all you want about how what Namjoon didn’t bother you anymore but Jungkook knows you. He knew that when you were telling him and Bora about it you were fighting back tears. He knows that you didn’t want to confront Hoseok and that you ended it with him so that you wouldn’t have to talk about it again. That’s not coping, that’s ignoring the problem and once again, Jungkook knows you. He knows that if you don’t deal with it any time soon then you’re just going to let it bubble up until one day you just break down and he highly doubts Professor Kim would handle that well.

Taehyung is older, he’s a bit more mature and level headed which is what you need but Jungkook just doesn’t want you to think it’s more than it is so that you end up hurt again. You need to talk with Taehyung and really discuss what kind of relationship you’re both looking for and until then Jungkook can’t fully support it.

He’s not going to sit around and watch his friend get hurt again.

With a reluctant sigh he finally said, “Am I taking you to work later?”

“If you can,” you mumbled as he ruffled your hair with a final goodbye. You waited outside for a moment trying to clear your thoughts.

You’ve known Jungkook for a long time and he’s a very good friend. Honestly sometimes it feels like you don’t deserve the kid, sure he can be immature and annoying at times but at the end of the day he cares deeply for those around him and you feel lucky to be one of them. He’s put up with you for years now so you understand where he’s coming from but you also feel like you’re capable of making your own decisions.

He’s right, you don’t know how your relationship will go with Taehyung but you don’t want to think about that right now.

Right now you want to finish up your work and enjoy the short amount of time you have with Taehyung because despite being so different, it works for you two. It’s almost like you balance each other out and you haven’t felt that way with someone in a while. You know that you have an age gap and it’s not that you think you’re this mature woman who knows everything but you’re also not a kid.

You’re at an age where you’re navigating through adulthood but you also can still say that you are a bit naive on some things and it can make things confusing for you. You know Taehyung doesn’t have bad intentions with you but you also know that he was once a married man to his college sweetheart who broke his heart. A man doesn’t just bounce back from that in a year’s time no matter how much he despises the woman now.

“What are you doing?” Yuna asked so suddenly that you jumped and she smiled, “Aren’t you going in?”

“Yeah,” you said with a sigh as you followed her into the studio for your printmaking class.

You walked past Taehyung like he was nothing more than your professor and he greeted you like you were nothing but a student. It goes like this almost every day you see him on campus but then the night or weekends roll around and it’s an entirely different story. It’s a bit exhausting but you prefer it this way.

“So, uh, you know who came up to me this morning?” Yuna asked, making you shrug curiously as you went to the usual table the two of you worked at, Seungjin already there waiting.

“Namjoon, he asked if I knew where you were but I said no,” Yuna told you, “I don’t know if I was supposed to say yes or not because—well, did you guys break up?”

Seungjin looked at you now, “Wait, you two broke up? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I don’t like telling people my business,” you said in a snappy tone that Seungjin knew you weren’t serious about, “But we broke up before he left.”

Namjoon was just on a two week retreat for his major and that’s the only reason why he stopped blowing up your phone other than that day in the beginning when Taehyung scolded you for walking out. You knew he wasn’t done trying to get you back because even if the relationship was short lived and he cheated, the two of you worked well together. That’s why it bothered the shit out of you that he threw it away when the two of you could’ve been something great.

There’s no point in thinking about it now though because you’ll never take a man who cheated on you back.

“So it’s only been a few weeks?” Yuna asked, “That makes so much sense. I was wondering why you haven’t talked about him or why he seemed so mad when I told him I hadn’t seen you.”

“Are you working tonight?” Seungjin asked, trying to change the subject when he could tell you weren’t feeling it anymore.

In the beginning you barely talked to him and even Yuna, but lately he’s been hanging out with Jungkook a lot and you’ve been talking to Yuna more regularly so you’ve all just become closer friends. Seungjin knows your work schedule because most of the time if Taehyung can’t pick you up, Jungkook does and since the guy is always with Jungkook, he’s basically memorized your work schedule.

“Sadly,” you mumbled as you stared down at your work struggling to find out where to start, “I’ve got so much shit to do it’s stressing me out.”

Taehyung’s gotten a little bit better at hiding what the two of you have but it doesn’t make things easier. He still can’t fully explain your relationship because there’s a lot of factors that play a part in it.

First, your age. You’re both very clearly in different points of your lives even if your age difference isn’t too bad, it’s still not fully acceptable.

It’s not like he’s using the fact that you’re young and a bit naive in his favor because he honestly thinks you’re mature. He’s not going to say you’re mature for your age because he doesn’t like what that saying means. You’re mature because that’s just how you are and it has nothing to do with your age, just your person. He’s not sleeping with you because you’re young but behave like you’re grown.

He’s sleeping with you and talking to you every chance he has because he genuinely enjoys your time. He enjoys sleeping in bed with you and listening to your rants over the littlest things. He likes how enthusiastic you get when you talk about your favorite show or explain the meaning behind your art. He likes that you listen to his own rants about jazz music and which artist is favorite. He likes that you don’t know how to do some things but you’re always looking to learn something new.

Taehyung has gotten used to not being able to interact with you during the day. It’s not that the two of you can’t talk, it's that you shouldn’t. There’s too much tension there any time you do. You can tell by the way he looks at you with warm eyes that turn your insides giddy even if you want to say they don’t. He speaks to you gently and his tone very obviously changes when he’s talking to the others so the both of you are just paranoid to be found out.

The only time he really gets to see you is late at night and that makes him feel like an absolute garbage of a man because he’s not using you for sex. That’s not all he wants but if the only time he gets to see you is after you get off work, then it looks that way, especially considering you’re usually very eager to sleep with him that sometimes he can’t catch up.

“You don’t have class tomorrow, do you?” Taehyung asked as he twisted a lock of your hair around his index finger. You were laying on his chest as some A24 film played on the television in your bedroom. You’ve just finished having sex and now you’re just trying to enjoy some time together before morning comes and you have to go back to acting like there’s nothing between you.

“No, but I’ll be busy with the project,” you mumbled against his chest as you made yourself more comfortable against him.

“I’ve got a meeting in the morning but I’m free the majority of the day, there’s going to be the other teachers so I won’t have to stay,” Taehyung offered up, “Maybe we can do something.”

“I’d like that,” you told him as you tried paying attention to the movie but Taehyung wasn’t as interested. He wanted to talk to you because that’s what people in a relationship should do.

“I saw you and your friend talking outside today, everything okay?” Taehyung asked as you looked up at him.

“Yeah.”

He stayed quiet for a moment as he tried to decipher your expression and what you really meant. He does wish you would communicate a little more. You’re very obviously stressed about numerous things and maybe he could help with it a little but not if you won’t talk to him. He was used to his ex ignoring him in favor of keeping it bottled in and resenting him for her own lack of communication but he doesn’t want that with you. He wants to ask more but he won’t force you to tell him.

“Jungkook figured out about us,” you said before gnawing on your bottom lip in fear that he would be mad. Taehyung took a deep breath as he nodded his head, making you rush to say, “He won’t say anything, trust me.”

“I mean… if you trust him then I do too,” Taehyung said. He knows you’re close with Jungkook and that does make him nervous sometimes but he can’t come out of nowhere and tell you that so he just accepts it.

“And…” you bit your lip once more and Taehyung found himself bringing his thumb up to pull your lip out as it reddened.

“Talk to me,” he said gently. You’re opening up to him little by little but something is clearly on your mind that you’re struggling to say. Every time you get shy and nervous he doesn’t see you as the one who made the first move in his car that night, he just sees someone he cares a lot about looking worried and anxious. He just wants to be here for you.

“My ex has been asking around for me,” you told him honestly and he took a deep breath in thought.

“Really?” Taehyung looked away from you for a moment. Your ex was a cheater, he cheated on someone as beautiful and smart as you and in reality he’s also the reason why you and Taehyung got close. He knows that he’ll never go back to his cheating ex but you might feel differently. You might be more easily swayed into going back to him and it’s not like Taehyung could do anything about it. Your ex is closer to your age, he’s known you a little longer and all of your friends know of him. He’s not a secret to you and you’re not a secret to him so he would have no choice but to understand if you took him back.

“I mean, it’s just a bit tiring, I thought we were over this but it looks like he’s back to trying,” you said with a defeated sigh before cuddling back into Taehyung.

He pressed his lips to your hair, not really kissing you but just appreciating the intimacy, “Would you?”

“What?” Your brows furrowed as you looked up at him. Taehyung had never regretted his words so quickly looking at the way you pulled away from him clearly taken back. He cleared his throat, “I mean would you want to try with him again?”

“Would you?” You asked a little annoyed, “Would you want to try with your ex wife again if she asked?”

“No,” Taehyung sat up with you, “Of course not, but I would understand if you did.”

You couldn’t help but scoff, “So you would understand if I went back to my cheating ex? Good to know that you understand if someone takes back a cheater.”

“Baby that’s not what I mea—“ Taehyung tried to say but you were already moving off the bed, “Hey I just mean… you’re both still young and make mistakes—you weren’t dating long before and if there’s still lingering feelings…”

“If I still felt something for him, why would I be with you?” You asked, making him bite his lip nervously, “And you think just because I’m young it’s alright to just forgive someone who hurt me? Nice to know.”

“No, honey pl—“

“I’m gonna get in the shower,” you cut him off just as he was getting up.

He watched you leave and he sat on the edge of your bed running his hand over his face in frustration. That’s not what he meant at all. He was trying to say he would understand your feelings but that was clearly the problem. Why would he even think you would leave him the second you got the chance? You’re not his ex but he just doesn’t want to lose you when he just started feeling love again.

Wait, not love. It’s too early for that and you think so too but he means it affectionately. Why did he have to pretend like he would understand? He wouldn’t. He just doesn’t want you or your friend to think he’s the one controlling your relationship.

He has to trust you and not assume you’ll leave him.

Taehyung knows he upset you last night. That wasn’t his intention by any means and he feels like shit for making you feel any sort of way. You know your worth just how he knows his and it’s unfair that he questioned you about it. He feels so stupid and he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it all morning.

He wasn’t able to pay attention in his meetings because all he could think about was how to be better for you. He knew you would be busy for a bit today so he didn’t want to bother you early on but you agreed to spend the day together. He decided that he would get groceries before you came over later, maybe a nice home cooked meal and some wine would ease the tension.

Going grocery shopping was one of those things Taehyung despised and there was on specific reason as to why. He’s a 30 year old man going shopping alone—it was a recipe to be hit on by single women his age. He could always say he’s in a relationship but he can’t go into detail and unfortunately if there’s no wedding ring on his finger then it doesn’t matter much. If anything it’s easy to note the pale ring mark on his left finger from when he used to have a wedding ring.

He walked around the market pushing a shopping cart filled with his usual groceries along with some things he knew you would like and tried to hurry this along.

“Tae?”

His breath hitched as he came to a slow stop, but he didn’t turn around or even look at Jihyun until she stood in front of him. Why did she feel the need to talk to him after what she did and why was he seeing her now of all times?

“I thought it was you,” she said shyly, “Doing some shopping?”

“Yup,” Taehyung said as he looked over a bag of coffee. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking for or what the difference between dark roast or light roast but he was trying. Jihyun didn’t say anything as she looked at the bag, “Trouble deciding?”

What was she getting at? Taehyung thought. It was pretty clear he didn't want to talk to her and when he left with you the day of the lunch where they ran into her he thought it was obvious then too.

He knows he can just choose a bag of coffee and it’ll be fine but he wants to choose one you would like. You’re a coffee drinker but he’s heard you order drinks before and you like your coffee a certain way so he doesn’t want to mess this up. Jihyun bit her lip, “Light roast has more caffeine, when did you start drinking coffee?”

He set the bag back down and changed it ou yt for a dark roast one, “It’s for Y/n.”

He wasn’t going to thank her for her help because she thought it was for him but he is a little thankful that she helped him decide which you would like better. You like caffeine but you hate the taste of it. He dropped the bag down into his cart and went to look for creamer.

“So are you two really seeing each other? She seems a bit youn—“

“We are and she is but she’s mature, more mature than some other people I’ve met before,” Taehyung said trying to leave with his shopping cart, “And she understands my interests.”

He’s not going to say exactly how because it would easily give away that you’re his student but he will say that. He doesn’t feel the need to explain anything to Jihyun but he does want her to know that he’s doing just fine without her so she can stop trying to ask him about you.

“Jihyun,” Taehyung looked at her one last time and could see the look of hope in her eyes, “My name is Taehyung, not Tae.”

He turned his back to her and as if the thought of you alone brought this up, you were calling and he was smiling as he walked away and answered, “Hello?”

“I am at your place, am I too early? You’re not home, sorry I should’ve called before coming over,” you said through the phone.

“I’m just at the store but I’m heading over to pay right now,” Taehyung said, “There’s a key under the potted plant by the door, let yourself in and do you mind taking Tannie out for a walk? I haven’t had a chance.”

“Yes sir, I’d love to take him out,” you said jokingly, making him laugh softly.

He left without another word to Jihyun and she watched him walk away like she wasn't even there. She’s being selfishly unreasonable to expect anything else after what she did but she regrets it so much. She was at a point in their marriage where she thought he was losing his love for her. He was always so busy with work or something else that he wouldn’t pay attention to her. She thought he was avoiding her and in the end she fell for the attention she received from someone else and ruined her marriage with the love of her life.

Call her a cheater but don’t call her a liar, he really is or was the love of her life. They got together at such an impressionable age and it was so sweet and romantic and now she has to watch him be that way again with someone young and beautiful. It hurts.

Taehyung got back to a surprisingly quiet apartment feeling dejected, maybe you were still out with Yeontan or may—

“Boo!” You jumped up from behind his kitchen counter holding his pup up like you both surprised him and he nearly dropped the bags in surprise. A huge smile spread on his face and he couldn’t stop himself from saying, “Cute.”

“What did you get?” You asked as you let Yeontan run off in order to help him get the bags. He shrugged, “Just stuff to make later. How was your painting?”

You sighed, “Tiring. I’m almost done but I feel like something is missing.”

“Just remember not to overdo it. Sometimes less is better and if you’re happy with it now it’s better to stop, I want to see it,” Taehyung said.

He realized that he was stressed this morning for nothing. You’re not mad at him because of last night when he thought you would be. He needs to stop assuming that you’ll react the way Jihyun used to. She would snap on him for every little thing but you’re not like that and it’s refreshing and reassuring so he needs to remember you’re different.

You’re like spring. Yes, you’ve got a bit of an attitude sometimes but you’re so unlike anyone he’s ever been with. You’re fun and bright and make him smile without trying. You work hard and it shows through your work.

Taehyung cupped your face in his hands, “You’re so cute.”

“I thought I was hot,” you teased with a smile as he pressed a soft kiss against your lips.

Things are good, great even, at least that’s what you think. You feel secure with Taehyung and you haven’t felt that way in a long time. Sure, you both are still very much keeping it a secret but you’re heed to it now. There’s not much you can do about it but you’re so close to graduating and then it’s all over.

You’ve finished your painting for the spring exhibit which is just around the corner and you couldn’t be happier. With that out of the way you’ve got more free time to do other things and even though you work and have classes, it opens up a lot of time for you.

Tonight you did have to work but you spent most of your shift with Jungkook up until he was off. Like usually he was off before you and he asked if you wanted him to come back and take you home but you assured him Taehyung would.

Thankfully you didn’t have to close tonight since it was a weeknight. The bar was still open but there was another closer and you got off early so Taehyung was planning on picking you up and driving you home.

As your shift came to an end you followed your usual routine of putting your things away, collecting your tips, and clocking out. Taehyung had already texted you that he was running a couple minutes behind but you were just excited to see him.

“Y/n?”

You seemed to freeze up, you had just left through the back alley to go home and there in front of you was a familiar stranger. Namjoon stood there with his hands shoved in his pockets nervously. You looked around the lot to see if you could spot Taehyung yet but you couldn’t, “What?”

“Can we talk?” He asked as he took a step closer to you, “I just don’t get what happened between us.”

“You’re still on that? Jeez, Joon I didn’t think you would be the type to not let shit go,” you scoffed in annoyance and began walking down one end of the alley to get to the main street.

Namjoon followed after you, “What do you think would have happened? You stop talking to me out of the blue right before my trip and tell me it’s over but you can’t tell me why?”

“You know why,” you turned to him angrily, “Or what? Were you hoping I was just stupid enough to not realize you slept with someone who was supposed to be my best friend?”

Namjoon came to a stop. This was the first time you ever said this to him. You had told Taehyung how much you didn’t want to confront him about it but you had no choice. You needed him to stop asking for you and just leave you alone. You scoffed, “Surprised? Hate to break it to you but you were more obvious than you think. So are you happy? Now you know why I left you… you thought you could cheat on me and I’ll never find out, what a fucking joke.”

You turned away from him, a familiar black car parked on the street and you just wanted to get away from this conversation. With a smile on your face you headed toward the car, Namjoon following after you.

He grabbed on your arm tightly, yanking you back to him and nearly making you stumble, “Come on Y/n, I fucked up, I was planning on telling you but you’ve just been igno—“

You jumped in surprise at the loud honk of a car horn and you quickly turned to Taehyung who you knew was watching and you really didn’t want him to come out and expose himself but you know that if Namjoon kept bothering you he would. You pulled your arm free, “I’m done with you, alright? Frankly I don’t ever want to speak to you again so from now on why don’t we act like we don’t know each other?”

With that you left him standing there shocked and got in Taehyung’s car.

Despite it being dark out and Taehyung’s windows being heavily tinted, he still looked out at Namjoon who stood there frozen. You had gotten in his car but he was focused on the guy who just grabbed his girlfriend roughly. Before he could ask if everything was okay, you practically lunged toward him and he caught you over the middle console with a smile on his face.

You pressed your lips against his and he couldn’t help but kiss back confidently, a hand in your hair keeping you close. He nearly forgot about the guy standing outside until he opened his eyes and saw that he was gone now. He gently pushed you away only to watch you pout and ask for more.

He ran his thumb over your pouty lip, “You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You asked, trying to kiss him again but he only leaned back trying to get you to talk. You gave him a quick kiss on his lips before sitting back, “I’m fine, I swear. That was my ex but we’re all good now.”

“That was him?” He asked, seeming bothered now and he reached out for your arm, the one Namjoon grabbed roughly, “Did he hurt you or anything?”

You just smiled as you sat back up to kiss him again. He turned away from you, “Baby, let’s talk first.”

You whined, “He didn’t and I don’t want to talk. I want to kiss you because you’re so hot and I haven’t seen you all day.”

“I know but…” he bit his lip. He should trust you. You said you’re okay and you left the guy standing there to come to him so he should trust you. He does trust you. A smile came to his face as he tried to stop stressing, “I missed you too, love.”

With that he placed a kiss on the tip of your nose before kissing you again. You happily deepened the kiss between you and it was quickly getting heated. Taehyung seems to always forget where he is when it’s just you two and he nearly forgot you were in his car again until you tried going over the middle console to get on his lap.

His hands immediately went to your waist, “Wait, let’s wait till we get to your place.”

“Why? Doesn’t this remind you of our first time?” You asked, beginning to leave soft kisses along his jaw, “We can do it again.”

He bit his lip, already feeling a little turned on at the idea but he doesn’t want it to seem like a secret when you’re together. He prefers to be in bed with you when you have sex but he’ll admit, you’ve made his sex life more exciting. You’re willing to get your hands on him anywhere you are and God did that make him feel wanted. He played with the hem of your skirt with one hand as the other reached for the lever under his seat.

“One more time,” he said with a boyish smile when you squealed happily and went back to making out with him.

The end of the semester was quickly approaching. School has gone easier now since you have your major assignments done and you’ve been able to relax a little more. It’s a bit funny to be in Taehyung’s class acting like a regular student knowing he was on top of you practically every night. What is even funnier is to tease him when you shouldn’t.

Taehyung has had to stand through this entire lecture acting like you weren’t sending him the most daring texts he’s ever received. The first one he got this morning was already enough to make him bruise his lip by how hard he bit into it.

y/n: gonna be waiting for u later in this

It was a picture of you in a cute lingerie set and every time he looked at you he couldn’t help but picture it right under your clothes. You knew that’s what he thought about, that’s why you would occasionally gnaw on the end of your pen as you looked him up and down like you just needed him right then and there. It made him stumble over his words.

The other time you texted him was halfway through the lecture. He had just gotten back to his text and looked over your text, unable to help himself from looking up at you but you were too distracted by your friends to notice him. He slid over the notification and quickly responded to your other text.

y/n: if u look at me again I won’t be able to stop myself from giving u and the whole class a show

tae: be a good girl and wait till after class

You looked up at him when you received his text and he didn’t need a response to know you would show up. He had to stay late tonight and finish up some paperwork so he wouldn’t be able to see you before you went to work. He had been bummed out about it but later on, when it was well into the evening, you did as told.

The sun was beginning to set and he was alone in his art room until you came along. He smiled at the sight of you entering the room and closed his files. You smiled mischievously, “You wanted to speak to me, sir?”

God, you knew what you did to him.

He had to bite back a groan as he looked outside the windows to make sure there was no one around, “I can’t speak to you if you’re so far.”

You walked up to him until you stood directly in front of him and he looked at you with lust in his eyes, “Bad girl, just because you’re done with your painting doesn’t mean you can distract me.”

You bit your lip, “What do you mean, sir?”

He chuckled as he ran his fingers through his hair, “Sending me all those dirty messages in class?”

Your brows furrowed cutely, “Hm… but you liked them?”

Taehyung dropped his voice down to a whisper, “I did.”

“So why are we still out here?” You used the same whispering tone and just like that, you were following him into the familiar art storage closet. Before you could even surprise him with a peak at the lingerie he was pushing you against the shelves and kissing you hard. You released a surprised whimper trying to kiss him back. Your fingers quickly toyed with the buttons of his white long sleeve and Taehyung let his hands slide under your shirt trying to inch it off your body already.

His fingers worked diligently to pull it off as he felt you begin to unbutton the front of his shirt with the need to just touch already. Once it was undone your hands moved to his hair, ruffling it up when he yanked your shirt off displaying the lingerie to his hungry eyes. Your leg went up to wrap around him as the other stayed locked to keep you from falling and Taehyung fit perfectly against you as he kissed down your neck while his other hand began to play with your skirt.

“You’re so cute,” he mumbled between kisses and you sighed with a playful roll of your eyes.

“Everytime I try to look hot for you, you just call me cute.”

He laughed, close to giggling as he pulled away to look at you again, “You look hot and cute and sexy and beautiful and I just want to eat you up every time I see you, okay?”

You smiled shyly now at his words and tried to look away in embarrassment but he just kissed you harder, forgetting where you were.

The campus was mostly empty except for those who had night classes. The art department was empty minus the two of you so you weren’t worried about being caught but maybe you should have been.

When Jihyun got to campus she wasn’t sure what she even planned on doing. The last time she saw Taehyung he barely acknowledged her and he told her to stop calling him by a nickname. She knows how badly she messed up but it’s been a year. Maybe she could talk to him and they could at least be cordial? Maybe someday they’ll look back on this strange time apart and realize that they really were meant to always be together… he’ll hopefully forgive her mistakes and they can move past this.

“Taehyung?” She called out to him as she stepped into an empty art room. She’s not sure why she thought he would still be here but she just assumed. He was always working late and she didn’t know where he lived so this was her best bet. Clearly she looks stupid now as she stands alone in a huge room where Taehyung isn’t at. This was so clearly his room too, he had some of his art hanging along with other students work and for the first time ever, she actually decided to pay attention to them.

She passed by art work belonging to students she’s never met, they were all winning pieces from seminars and contests. Just before her was a beautiful oil painting with a name and year displayed proudly in the corner. It was one of Taehyung’s mentees.

‘Full Bloom’

By Y/n L/n, December 10, 2022

___ University

She seemed to freeze up at the name. It couldn’t be…

“Ow!”

A light voice whined as a loud thump followed and suddenly everything seemed to be connecting. There was laughter that followed and her attention immediately drifted to the direction of the noise. It went quiet again but it was too late, Jihyun was already walking to the closet.

At this point she didn’t care what she saw, she just needed to know if she was right or not.

Taehyung rubbed soothing circles against the back of your head as he whispered apologies for accidentally making you bump your head against a shelf. You had a cute pout on your lips at the pain and the fact that the two of you had to stop. All you’ve done is make out but your clothes was half off and you just wanted to keep going.

You barely had your lips brushing against his with the sudden yank on the door seemed to frighten you both away from each other. Taehyung’s initial instinct was to distance himself from you as soon as possible worried that it was a school head or worse another student but he thought about you instead. Your shirt was completely off while his was merely unbuttoned and knowing you were more undressed than him made him immediately hold you to his chest and turn his body toward the door to hide you better.

“Oh my god.”

You pressed your face into his front in embarrassment and a little bit of fear but Taehyung turned toward the door, brows scrunching together and voice raising, “Jihyun?”

You jumped, slightly startled and tried to pull away. Taehyung softened his hold on you just enough for you to snag your shirt off the shelf and hurry to put it on. Jihyun looked between you two, “She’s your student. You’re sleeping with your fucking student?”

Taehyung hushed her, “What are you doing here? Get out!”

You dressed yourself back up properly as Taehyung did the same and he seemed to look back at you once more before stepping out of the closet to follow his ex wife. You would be lying if you said your hands weren’t shaking and your face wasn’t heating up. This was all your fault.

You’re the one who came onto him in the beginning.

You’re the one who practically pushed him into a relationship and put his job on the line. You’re the one who did all this knowing his ex wife was still stupid enough to look for him.

God, you were the worst.

Feeling close to tears you hurriedly left the closet listening to Taehyung’s deep voice arguing with Jihyun.

“You come to my job and you—“

“I came to talk about us! I didn’t know you would be in the closet trying to fuck your student! What happened to you?” Jihyun shouted, “Is it because of me? Did I push you to this, Tae? I never meant to hurt you, I just…”

You looked around the art room for your things trying to hide your face because for some reason this suddenly felt wrong. It shouldn’t feel that way yet it does and all you wanted to do was escape. Why was she yelling at him like you’re a homewrecker?

Was it because you were his student or young? Or was it because she wanted him to forgive her cheating and realized he wouldn’t?

Taehyung turned to you as you headed straight for the door and he went right after you, “Y/n, wait,” but you were gone and practically running away. He could chase you but what would he do if someone saw him and asked what was wrong? You had to work soon and he would just have to wait even if he didn’t want to.

“You need to leave,” Taehyung said sternly as he glared at Jihyun, “I don’t know what you thought was going to happen by coming here but you need to go.”

“Taehyung, she’s your student, I just… do you realize the trouble you can get into?”

“Y/n graduates in four months and either way it’s none of your fucking business,” Taehyung said genuinely sounding angry and Jihyun can’t remember the last time he sounded this upset. Not even when he found out she was cheating, he had just hid his face in his hands like he wanted to cry and asked for a divorce. He scoffed, “Or what? Are you going to say something about it?”

“I—I don’t know,” Jihyun said truthfully, “But this isn’t you. You would never sink so low to sleep with a student and I know it’s my fault. I hurt you and I pushed you away and now you’re acting like a completely different person. You’ve never yelled at me before. Taehyung come on… we were her age when we started dating, you can’t possibly expect anything to come out of this relationship. She’s young and naive and she’s not looking fo—“

“Stop talking about Y/n like you know her,” Taehyung said through gritted teeth, “And stop acting like you have any moral fucking high ground. Did you forget what you did to me? You threw away ten years for a man you’re not even with anymore! Why would I care about what you have to say?”

Jihyun looked shocked like she was really surprised to be called out this way by him. He was packing up his things quickly as he said, “And we know it’s wrong because I’m her professor and she’s my student but… but it’s not wrong. We’re adults and we’ve connected and if you want to completely destroy another relationship of mine and put my job on the line because you’re an insecure woman who thought I would want you after what you did to me… then you’re cruel too.”

“Taehyung…”

“Do what you want Jihyun, tell other people, I don’t care anymore but don’t mention Y/n. If you want anyone to suffer then make it me, I’m the one who divorced you,” Taehyung said with a tired sigh, “But I’m done being nice. I tried to be cordial every time we saw each other after the divorce but if you want to get back at me then whatever, there’s nothing I can do.”

She knew it wasn’t technically wrong. You were an adult and so was he and the only thing that made it wrong was the fact that he was your college professor. She hated you from the second she saw the way Taehyung looked at you and all she wanted to do was ruin this. She was a selfish woman who made a mistake only to realize it was too late to regret it.

It’s the same as Namjoon, he made a mistake and when he found out there was possibly someone else, he came to regret it.

Now Namjoon’s out of the picture and Jihyun should be too but all she wants to do is get him back. She’s willing to look past this and get back with him but he doesn’t want that and she can’t force him to. Without a word, Jihyun turned on her heel and left him in his art room with no clue as to what she would do about this.

If she went right to the Dean then he would lose his job and probably never be able to work at another college again. The University wouldn’t want the news out so he wouldn’t have to worry about it getting out unless Jihyun told other people. If she admitted that it was you he’s not sure what would happen. These things were always easier for the man and he doesn’t want anyone to do anything to hurt you.

God, it was a mistake to get involved with a student… but not because of you. If you two had just developed a relationship when you weren’t a student any longer things would have been different.

He was sitting at his desk now with his head in his hands just thinking of everything that could happen. He could easily work with his parents at a museum. He could continue his art somewhere else and not teach but what about you? What if people assumed he had always favorited you? What if they thought he helped with your art? Your submission for the seminar would immediately be disqualified if they had even an ounce of suspicion that he helped—especially with his status and credentials in the art world.

Fuck, he screwed it up badly for you.

You went ghost for two days. You didn’t answer his calls or texts and you skipped out on class. It worried him and you knew it but you couldn’t face him. It’s not that you feel like you did anything wrong but you’re embarrassed. She’s his ex wife so she doesn’t mean shit to you but you’re sure you confirmed her original suspicions and that pissed you off. You’re just some young and naive slut who he’s keeping a secret out of shame. It’s not true but you just know that’s what she’s thinking and you couldn’t stick around to hear it that night. You still want to be with Taehyung but You’re sportier that she knocked some sense into him or something. Maybe he’s blowing up your phone because he’s trying to end things. You also know you should go back to class but if he just completely pretends like you don’t exist or worse you find out that everyone knows, you’re scared at what would happen.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Bora said, touching your leg to comfort you. After weeks, maybe even months of keeping her in the dark, you finally had to speak up. She was your best friend too and you needed them both to make you feel better. Jungkook sat on your couch with an arm around your shoulders, “Seriously Y/n, you haven’t and I honestly don’t think Taehyung feels any different. You need to talk to him.”

Your friends were right and yet you couldn’t say yes.

They spent the day with you even if Jungkook had to go to work. Technically you were supposed to work but he was going to cover your shift because you clearly weren’t feeling well.

Hours passed with them at your side watching movies and when you were suddenly feeling better there was a loud knock on your door. Jungkook went to answer it before you could move and you couldn’t make out anything past muffled noises. Shortly after, a familiar face appeared at your door and Jungkook was letting Taenyung in without asking you first.

He didn’t say anything as he looked at you and you tried to hide behind Bora but she was standing up nervously, “Mr. Kim.”

Taehyung smiled stiffly and he turned to Jungkook who seemed to understand. “Come on Bora, I gotta go get ready for work anyway.”

“Y/n,” Taehyung finally said when it was just you two, “Baby, I’m sorry, I had no idea she would just show up like that and I really don’t want you to think I’m still involved with her. I’m not lying when I say you’re the only one I care about a—“

“It was so embarrassing,” you finally broke down now that your comfort person was here. Taehyung immediately went to your side, a pout on his face as he wrapped you in his arms. You were embarrassed to be caught in such a manner, like a dirty secret.

Hell, you weren’t even fully dressed and what if it had been anyone but Jihyun? A teacher? Another one of your classmates?

“I’m sorry,” Taehyung whispered into your ear and he really was. When you finally confronted Namjoon, he let it go. He hasn’t bothered you since and yet Jihyun just kept pushing and pushing. How could your relationship with Namjoon end more maturely than his with Jihyun? He never meant for you to get hurt.

“Does anyone know?” You asked with teary eyes and he wiped them away feeling his heart drop to his stomach painfully. He shook his head no, “No, I mean I don’t think so but please baby I won’t let her do anything to hurt you.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” you cried harder, “I just… well we both knew what we were getting ourselves into but I’ve never felt like such a…slut.”

“Don’t say that,” Taehyung said seriously, “Y/n, I love you.”

You looked at him with wide surprised eyes, “What?”

He didn’t back down from your gaze and with a softened voice he said, “I love you, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you. This isn’t just some secret that I’m ashamed to admit. I want to be open about our relationship, so please don’t think you mean less to me because of what happened. I wasn’t embarrassed to have the truth come out to Jihyun, I was mad that she was there when she shouldn’t have been.”

“Yeah but, what if she says something?” You asked, still unable to comprehend that he’s said he loves you twice already.

“Then I’ll quit, I’ll work somewhere else and trust me if the school finds out they’re not going to tell anyone. They’ll want it to remain quiet so the school doesn’t get hate from it. I'm not going to let it hurt you and I don’t want it to drive you away from me. You’ve been ignoring me and that hurt so much,” Taehyung said with a pout as he wiped another tear from you. You felt ridiculous for being so emotional when usually you’re the complete opposite.

Usually Taehyung had to ask you over and over again how you feel to get you to talk about whatever is on my mind yet right now you can’t seem to stop crying. You sniffled back some tears, “But we can’t be open about it. I still have a couple months before I graduate.”

“I know,” Taehyung said, “But I’ve sent in my resignation le—“

“What!?” You sat up and pushed away from him, “You said everything would be fine.”

“It will be, Y/n. I promise. I’ve gotten a lot of job offers from other people in the industry and they would easily take me and pay more. I was originally going to quit after the divorce but I didn’t. The only reason why I stayed the extra year is because I had some really good artist’s in their final year who I wanted to support,” Taehyung said and you knew one of them was you. The others probably included Seungjin and other classmates that Taehyung mentored but it was very clear right now he was talking about you.

“Anyway, I planned on leaving all along and even if Jihyun never says anything about us, I would still leave after you graduate,” Taehyung pet your hair soothingly, “And like I said I’m not going to let her ruin you if she’s tries to so please don’t cry anymore and please baby, please don’t ignore me or push me away.”

Nothing he said was a lie. The only reason why he never brought it up to you was because he didn’t need to. He knew you would be graduating and if your relationship lasted then he would tell you about his resignation once you were done with school. He just didn’t think he would have to tell you like this and make you think you’re the reason his career is about to change.

He waited an entire year to decide he wanted to quit teaching but it’s what he wanted to do all along. He enjoys it but he wants to start fresh… with you. He doesn’t want to have to listen to the opinion of others when the two of you become public.

“You love me?” You asked with the cutest set of puppy dog eyes he’s ever seen that it made his heart feel like it would burst. He nodded his head to answer your question and you sniffled, “I love you too.”

A small laugh in relief left his lips as he hugged you close making you whine about wetting his shirt with your stupid crying. You were so perfect to him. You were confident and forward yet deep down you were a crybaby and needy and loveable and he really did love you. He hugged you tighter in his arms.

“I know you hate it when I call you cute but you’re so fucking cute,” Taehyung said as he kissed your hair, “And I love you so much and I would never want to change the way we got together or make you feel like you’re not important to me because you are.”

He looked down at you with loving eyes, “And I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore.”

In the end Jihyun never told anyone. She figured she owed it to Taehyung after being so shitty the last few years. It had hurt her to watch him be happy with someone else but from the moment she saw you two at the restaurant she knew you made him happy. She couldn’t take that away from him after what she had done.

::.

ok yayyyy finallt part 2 is done. this is in fact the final part so pls understand. feel free to send in asks about them or drabbles

permanent taglist: @notmyfaultbutours @rerefundslocals @fandems @sugaluvmyg @guvgguk @kimyishin @libra04 @kooromiwrld @classycreationcupcake-blog g @alwaysdreamingnotsleeping @cherrymonlightt @nikkiordonez12 @asking4-sanity @thvlover @saweetspoiled @uwu2rawr @shaybts-blog @babycandy111 @tearyjjeon @joons-uparupa @jeonninja @yellowcupid08 @02010802 @knudsenheggedel @skzthinker @unnatae @aurorthi @beautywine @95ene @taekookstata @lilliankoo @shescharlie @annenakamura @lesoleile @burnahtsw @babybella337 @kooloveys s @ku-ku @chaelvrx @minnie-mouser22 @Imeneghd @whoa-jo @evajeonsworld @marvelbun @sunnikthv @acielelyseen @giselleswifeee @ilikeitlikethatt @bangmechanpls @lvr2seok @badbyeyoongi @jaerisdiction @xyahrinx @angeleen777 @jooniesxbby @brillantdarling

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@joyjunk @ohsweetmimosa @llallaaa @jjkliver7 @arosesstorm @taebaelove @youdonwantoknow @sl1pth0t @boxxkoo @jooniesxbby @saikikjin @screamertannie @starlostluvv @jksthiccthighs @kingarthurscat @roundbuttonsuga @kochycooky @heyhowyoudoin3 @jeonjk25 @Watermelonjuice15 @artmsmaid @shimisushi [the rest will be tagged in reblog ]

[purplestanleypinkblanket]

Cookies:

Pairings: (DP3 Vers.) Logan Howlett x Reader

Summary: In an attempt to finish smoothing things over between you and Logan, he suggests going out to a bar. He says it’s to help you and Logan bond- but it’s actually so he can watch Vanessa work. Wade, knowing exactly what kind of drunk you are, takes advantage of your kind hearted nature to the point that you get hammered. Poor Logan finds himself taking care of you after Wade decides to try his hand at pole dancing.

Warnings: Heavy mentions of drinking, cursing, a few insults sprinkled in, Wade pole dancing, drunk reader.

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 1,647

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Come on guys!” Wade whined, throwing his arms over you- interrupting the scowling match between you and Logan. “It’ll be fun!”

You had work the next morning and drinking around an alcoholic Wolverine didn’t exactly sound thrilling. It didn’t exactly help that he clearly hated you. Sure, you didn’t help with your sarcastic comments and matching his glares. Hell, your friends with Wade- how could you not rebuttal Logan whenever he snapped at you?

“I can’t, I have work early tomorrow.” You stated, trying to pry yourself out of Wade’s arms.

“Bullshit.” Wade remarked. “I’ve seen you get shit-faced then hop back up like it’s nothing the next day. You’ll be fine!”

Damn. He had gotten you there. But you were also a much more responsible drinker than Wade gave you credit for. But it came at a cost…your a light weight.

“Good! It’s decided! We’ll all go out tonight! Get your best bar hopping panties on ladies, cause we’re gettin it on.” Wade cheered.

“Wade.” You huffed out, “I ain’t flashing anyone my panties.” You finally cracked a smile, finding it hard to resist his odd sense of humor. As odd as it was, though, you always found yourself cackling.

That’s how you ended up here, in a sleazy bar, wearing a dress that, frankly, shouldn’t warrant all the eyes of shameless men on you. You let out a huff, head resting in your hands as you sipped your alcoholic beverage. Logan sat next to you at the dark oak bar. It was the spot Wade had insisted he take. The partying lights of the dance floor low as Vanessa danced on a pole. You watched as Wade basically threw the same one dollar repeatedly at her, rushing to scurry it back up before throwing it again.

The air between you and Logan, who was sipping at a glass of beer, was less than welcoming. Your eyes analyzed him, the way he looked. He seemed so tired, so defeated, yet alive. Even more so these days as he grew accustomed to life with Wade.

Despite the various martini’s and strong drinks Wade had left not-so-subtly on the bar by you, you had done a fairly decent job at pacing yourself. It wasn’t until Wade’s hand was snatching the water glass from your hand and replacing it with a martini that reeked strongly of booze that you finally guessed his game. He wanted you drunk. And he only brought you two here to see Vanessa dance. You moved to dismiss the drink.

“Wade, I don’t-“

“Drink!” Wade adamantly flashed you his puppy dog eyes, knowing full well if you were tipsy enough you’d fall for it. With a sigh, it turned out you were as you brought the martini to your lips. The more Wade handed you drinks, the more you drank. The more you drank, well, hadn’t everyone heard the story? Needless to say, it wasn’t long before you were slumped over on the bar, giggling to yourself as you looked past Logan to watch Wade try to dance on a pole. He had finesse, but you didn’t miss the way his foot failed to land.

Logan watched you, eyes filled with judgement. He couldn’t believe all it took was a few drinks. His eyes scanned the bar, scowling at anyone who looked at you. He didn’t know why he suddenly hated every man in this bar that looked your way. He told himself it was because you were clearly shit-faced, hell, it looked like you were about to fall off your fucking chair. Logan sure as hell wasn’t about to let some weak ass man who didn’t know how to talk to a woman worm their way into your skirt. Which, by the way, looked bloody amazing. He even found himself struggling not to look at you.

Your voice broke through the tense situation as he glared at any man he could see, “L-,” you hiccuped, “Logan. Why do you hate me?” Your question caught him off guard, a look of confusion passing over his face as he tilted his head. Logan’s eyes looked down at where you rested against the bar, face flushed from alcohol, head resting on your arms. Your cheek was smooshed slightly from where it rested between your arm and the bar top.

“I don’t hate you.” He huffed out, looking away as he brought the beer glass to his lips.

“You act like it.” You couldn’t help the drunk pout on your lips, eyes analyzing Logan from where you rested. His jawline, with the mangy beard that somehow looked damn good.

Logon scoffed. He couldn’t help that he didn’t like you. You were bitchy, and sarcastic, and- his thoughts were interrupted by you suddenly leaning into his side, an exhale on your lips.

“I wished I knew what I did to make you hate me so much, Logan.” You drunkenly confided to him, drawing his attention to you once more. Suddenly, he was aware of the closeness between you two. Of how easily you were to banter with, even if it was in an argument. And you were funny. Logan loved when you would call Wade out. His hand moved to rest on the back of your barstool, his hand resting next to your shoulder in case you happened to fall over.

“I don’t hate you, doll.” Logon sighed, looking down as you lifted another drink to your lips.

“I want cookies.” You stated, not paying much mind to his words. Your mind wandered too fast to truly pay much attention. Not like it could anyway, Wade made sure you were drunk. He knew how you got when you were wasted, you were honest, idiotic, and incredibly cuddly.

“They don’t have cookies.” Logan grumbled, hand moving to rub his face in irritation after it set the beer down.

“They should.” You adamantly decided, head slumping against his chest as you looked towards where Wade and Vanessa pole danced together.

Logan mumbled a rough ‘Hm’, his gaze analyzing your flushed face as you watched Wade and Vanessa. He watched you lean forward, reaching for the shot some creep had bought you. Logan reached for it, taking it from you and sliding it to the side. “Alright, that’s enough, princess.”

“What, no, hey!” You pouted with a drunk huff, reaching for the shot. However, Logan’s hand grasped your wrist after he set the shot down, pulling it away.

“Princess.” He roughly warned, hand on the back of your barstool moving to push your shoulder subtly, causing you to lean back into him.

You melted into his touch, relishing the almost body-heater warmth of him.

“Your warm.” The drunk words were out of your lips before you could really stop them.

Logan nodded with a hum, “I know.”

“I want cookies.”

“I know.”

Silence fell over the two of you. Logan didn’t want to admit it, but he felt rather content with you leaning against him- even if it was because of Wade getting you hammered. He enjoyed how it felt, having a gorgeous woman by his side. It was also nice knowing the sight of you leaning into him scared off anyone who thought about approaching you.

The moment was ruined when the song ‘Tragedy’ by The Bee Gees began playing. It seems everyone had been impacted by the release of the latest Beetlejuice movie.

“I love this song!” You drunkenly erupted, grinning as you moved to hop off the barstool, practically falling as you did so. Logan was quick to move, his hand wrapping on your arm to prevent you from falling.

“Where in hell do you think you’re going?” He growled at you, unamused.

“I’m going to dance!” You giggled, hands grasping his as you tugged him to the dance floor. Logan, despite his grumbles, let you pull him along. He didn’t need some creep coming over when you’re less than aware. When you two got to the dance floor, his hands instinctively wrapped around your waist. You were practically next to the stage that Wade and Vanessa pole danced on.

You jumped, you swayed, you did every move you knew- most of which Logan just assumed you made up on the spot. Your arms in the air, by your sides, in front of you, behind you. Logan was almost certain he watched you do the Macarena at some point. He kept a hand on your waist at all times.

“Why ain’t you dancing?” You asked, facing him with a frown, swaying slightly.

“I don’t dance.” He huffed back, unamused.

You flashed Logan your best, and visibly drunk, puppy eyes. After a moment of internal battle, his hands gently rested on your hips, swaying with you just slightly. It was the best you’d get and it’d be a lie to say you weren’t satisfied with the awkward sway. It didn’t fit the music. Not even close, but you got the Logan Howlett to dance with you!

After a moment, your arms moved to drape over his shoulders, closing any distance between the two of you as your head rested against him.

“Lo?” You mumbled softly against him. It was a new nickname, something you had never used before. He felt his heart hammer in his chest for a split second when he looked down at you.

“Yes, princess?” He asked, forcing his tone to be less rough.

“Can we get cookies later?” Your voice was muffled as you drunkenly held him tighter. His heart clenched and he found himself wishing he had cookies with him right then.

“Of course.” He murmured as he leaned down to press a soft kiss to your head.

It was a lie to say he hated you. In fact, he liked the way you irritated him. He only hoped that you continued to banter with him. Lord knows he didn’t feel like he deserved it.

[blingblong55]

Friendly games-141

Based on a request:

Hi! I’m not sure you would be interested, can I make a request of whole Tf141 x Gn!Reader playing badminton 🏸?

Just a little bit of fun ☺️ ---- GN!Reader, platonic!relationship, fluff??? ----

A/N: I love these kinds of ideas….so lets do this and also…it's short…sorry

Charity events, what a fun way to raise money for those who need it. Well…it's fun until Kate Laswell makes you be a part of the event and play a stupid game in front of your stupid colleagues. Soap, I'm talking about you, Ghost thinks the whole way to the court. Task Force 141, all in shorts, stretching and giving each other stares. You were smiling, this being the first time you could play your favourite with a reason behind it. The day before there was a three-hour-long debate with Laswell to make someone else play instead of the task force.

It didn't work of course since you all were already stretching and glaring at those in attendance. The selection for a teammate was easy and Soap got lucky that Ghost was already tired of his bullshit compliments or else he'd be in your place. Gaz was chosen by Price, Ghost chose you and Soap was a backup for you or anyone who got injured. You and Ghost gave each other a stare, "Don't let me down, R/N." You chuckle, "If you let me down, Soap will take your place." "Hurting me, mate."

Once the game begins, Soap starts making some jokes about Gaz's ass and Price's, occasionally he would roast Ghost and those comments made Laswell laugh. Military families all enjoyed the match as Price and you became more competitive, so much so the match was just you two, Gaz and Ghost just walked around the court, pretending to help or even be involved for that matter. You made it your point to make Price feel old. This all started as an inside joke between the task force and more so when you were called the kid/ baby of the team.

It was worse when Gaz would do a baby voice and try to feed you mashed food. So now, this was you showing off and having fun. After much fun and a pat on the shoulder by Ghost, you walk off and hand the racket to Laswell. "Call Chimera tomorrow, I'm fucking done." You sit down next to Soap and lean on him. "'least you won, mate." You groan and Gaz chuckles. "How much do want to bet Ghost and Price are talking to Laswell to not include us in another charity event?"

"Three pints at Old Man's pub," Soap says with a grin. You all stand up and leave the event. "Where are you guys going?" "Roach, you either join us or stay with the old grumps." Gaz comments as he walks through the doorway. He nods and gladly follows along, it was always an adventure when all of the young ones of the task force went out for drinks. "So, how come you knew the sport so well?" Soap asks you. "I used to play it when I was younger." Gaz lets out a chuckle, "You were one of those kids?" "I'll stick the racket up your ass if you make a joke." You jokingly threaten and he switches places with Roach who is furthest from you.

With one too many pints and jokes, Price found you all laughing at impersonations of the lieutenant and himself. Ghost was about to walk to you all and scare you but then Price stops him. "Let them have this day, they don't get moments like this."

For the entire evening, the younger members of the team all laughed and Ghost watched from afar with Price. "R/N will never stop with the old man jokes." Ghost chuckles. He knows how much you'll enjoy the nicknames you'll eventually call out. He also knows you keep a list for when you finally get to call Price some nicknames that correlate to being old. "I'll let them," Price shrugs. Price too knows this is you just being comfortable around and although no one says it, he sees you as a little sibling and you see him as a trusted older brother.

Tags:

@liyanahelena @imasimpsowhat06 @thisistotesnotspam-heart @luvecarson @aliceinwondwonderland @rhaenryawhore @vincentthe-moneymaker @anonymuslydumb @johfaam0 @goldenmclaren @froggy-anon @frazie99 @spicypicklesoh @tiredmetalenthusiast @jinxxangel13 @enarien @willowaftxn83-87 @saoirse06

[joeshiestyslover]

i hate u

pairing: lsu!fratboy!joe burrow x volleyballplayer!reader

summary: you and joe were together before he transferred to lsu, when he broke your heart, but what happens when you end up transferring to the same college?

warnings: language, angst, joe’s an asshole

a/n: i got some inspo from a request and tied in a sza song bc i love her. also there will be a part 2

lowercase intended

masterlist

today’s the day your entire life changes, but little do you know, in more ways than one. a couple months ago just before your junior year ended, you were offered an athletic scholarship to play volleyball for lsu instead of ohio state. you immediately accepted because as much as you love your home state, you were tired of sitting on the bench waiting to finally play on the court. lsu offered you a starting position, so you would’ve been crazy to not say yes. 

you’re ready to leave ohio behind and forget the bad memories, well one bad memory in particular. you began dating your childhood best friend in college, after waiting for him to love you back your entire childhood. ever since you met, you both were inseparable, doing absolutely everything together, including college when you both were accepted to ohio state. the moment you started dating, you were the happiest you had been in a long time, and that happiness you thought would last forever, it only lasted three years. 

he decided to transfer from ohio state to lsu to play football because he was never given the chance to be starting quarterback, and lsu just happened to give him that chance. you were worried at first because he was going to be the furthest away that he had ever been, but he was quick to reassure you everything was going to be fine and that he was never going to forget about you or neglect you. 

oh, how you wish you never believed his bullshit lies.

after a couple weeks of him being in louisiana, he started to call less, basically ignoring your entire existence. you had planned to talk to him about it one night over facetime, but that morning you received a text from him that simply read, i think we need to take a break. you texted and called himnumerous times, trying to get him to explain, but he never responded or picked up your calls. after hundreds of unread texts and voicemails, you gave up. you still tried to keep up with him, looking at his social media accounts, until one day, when you checked a post he was tagged in, you saw him at a party making out with a girl that was perched on his lap. your heart broke, and you decided to block him on everything so you could move on; something that he had clearly already done. 

you are currently carrying the last of your boxes into your dorm room, chatting with your new roommate, eve. “so, why’d you transfer here again?” she asks you. “volleyball. i was tired of sitting on the bench all season.” you respond. “all season? damn.” “yeah i know. it fucking sucked, but that’s why i’m here now.” you tell eve. you finally finish carrying your boxes, and you decide to unpack tomorrow. you lie down onto your bed with a huff, “i forgot how much i hate moving.” you joke. suddenly, you hear a knock at your door, and eve jumps up to answer it. as she opens the door, she exclaims, “joe!”

no. it can’t be.

“oh my god, you have to meet my new roommate. y/n! come over here and meet joe!” you stand up, and slowly start to make your way towards the door. you look at the man in front of you, and make eye contact with him. “y/n!” joe exclaims. “it’s good to see you!” you only offer a small smile in return. “wait, do you two know each other?” eve questions, looking between you and joe. “umm just in passing.” you say, and joe gives you a confused look. “okay? me and joe are going to a party, so i probably won’t be back until after you fall asleep; so i’ll see you later, alright?” eve says. “yeah okay.” you reply as she walks out with joe. as you shut the door, you lean your back against it. “oh my fucking god this can’t be happening to me.” you say quietly to yourself. 

the next few days go by relatively smooth, with you finding your way around, getting your jersey along with your practice schedule, and adjusting to your new classes. you even were able to make a friend in your econ class, ja’marr. ja’marr told you that he’s a wide receiver for the football team, so you knew that he knows joe as well. about a week later, your roommate asks you the question you’ve been dreading. “how do you really know joe because the way he looked at you made it seem there’s more to the two of you than you let on.” you didn’t know how to answer her. you want to tell the truth, but do you want to trust someone you barely know with one of your worst memories? 

“if i tell you this, you cannot tell anyone, okay?” you tell her seriously. she nods, waiting for you to continue. “so, joe and i sorta dated back when we both went to ohio state.” “oh my god really?” she asks, shocked. “wait, there’s more. not only did we date, we were best friends since like childhood. he was literally my next-door neighbor.” eve’s jaw drops. “what happened between you two?” she inquires. “he broke up with me a couple weeks after he transferred here, over text.” “no! over text?! what a douche!” she exclaims. “i know, but after a while, i got over it, and now i’m here.” you say to her. “holy shit. that’s so fucked up, and i promise i won’t tell anyone.” “thank you eve.” you tell her. “but i am going to give you my honest opinion. i think you should talk to joe.” “no.” you have no interest in talking to that sleazeball. “why not? you two can finally clear the air and move on! don’t you want that?” eve tries to reason. “if he wanted to clear the air, he would have done that when he first broke up with me instead of being a coward and not responding to my texts or calls.” you state. 

almost on cue, you hear a knock at the door, maybe it’s one of eve’s friends. you really hope so. “oh hi joe. can you give me and y/n a sec? thanks.” she shuts the door, and you stand up from your bed. “do not tell me you brought him here eve!” you raise your voice slightly. “listen i had no idea about your history with him, so i invited him over here yesterday to watch a movie. i’m so sorry!” eve apologizes. “it’s fine. i’ll just go. text me when he leaves.” “come on, y/n! i think he actually wants to see you!” she says. “well, tough because i don’t want to see him.” you begin to walk towards the door. “please! just stay for a little while! if it gets too much for you, i’ll ask him to leave. please stay.” eve begs. “fine, but you owe me big time.”

eve opens the door, and there stands the boy you fell in love with almost twenty years ago. you briefly make eye contact before looking back at your roommate. “okay joe, come on in. i’ll put on the movie.” you try your best not to look at his face as you both sit down on the beanbags on your floor. the awkward silence deafening until joe speaks up, “so y/n, how have you been?” “umm since you broke my heart, then ran off like a coward? oh i’m just peachy keen!” you say back to him sarcastically, not bothering to make eye contact with him. your remark seems to shut him up until eve comes back over to the both of you after starting the movie.

all throughout the movie, you notice joe stealing glances at you every so often, but you would be lying if you said you weren’t doing the same. once the movie’s over, you’re waiting for eve to kick his sorry ass out of your dorm. for some reason, he isn’t leaving, and you try to get eve’s attention, but she’s too caught up in some conversation with joe. finally, eve walks over to you, and joe is still not leaving. “so umm, i know i said i would tell him to leave, but he wants to talk to you.” she says sheepishly. you sigh, knowing how stubborn joe can be. “five minutes. that’s it.” you tell her. she nods and walks back over to joe, and he looks back at you with a look in his eyes that you can’t quite pinpoint. “i’ll be back guys. y/n, please try not to murder him.” eve calls out to the both of you. 

“so what do you want to talk about?” you ask, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “i just wanted to tell you that i’m so sorry for what i did to you. i was an asshole and you didn’t deserve it. i just want you to know i never fell out of love with you. hell, i still love you, but-” “joe, stop.” you cut him off. “you don’t get to say you’re sorry because you sure as hell weren’t sorry when you broke my heart a year ago.” you say, coldly. “i know that i can never change what i did to you, but i just want you to know that i really am sorry, even if you don’t believe me.” you can’t believe what you’re hearing. “i thought you loved me joe.” you say, feeling the tears welling up in your eyes. “i did love you! i still do!” he starts to raise his voice. “bullshit joe! you’re so fucking selfish! i don’t know why you give a shit all of a sudden! is it because you feel guilty? or do you just feel sorry for me?” you yell. “y/n-” “i don’t care anymore joe! you know why? it’s because you are not the person i fell in love with years ago!” you seethe. “i know, y/n. i know. it wasn’t fair for me to do that to you.” he tells you, looking at his shoes. “you can’t even look at me joe! i mean, did you ever realize you were hurting me? or did you just not care?” “y/n please-” “shut up joe! i hate you! it was so shitty of you to make me feel like that! god, what i would do to make you feel the way i did when you ripped out my heart and stomped on it!” your tears are falling down your face, stalling at your chin, and you don’t even bother to wipe them off. “y/n, just let me explain.” he begs you. “no! you had your chance to explain while you were off fucking random girls last year! you know what joe? fuck you!” a silence takes over the room, and you decide that you’re done with this conversation and joe. “get out.” you say calmly, looking him straight in the eye. “what?” joe’s voice wavers slightly. “you heard me. i said five minutes and it’s been five minutes. it’s time for you to leave.” “okay i understand.” he begins to walk towards you door, but stops to tell you, “just so you know, it has always been you, y/n. i never stopped loving you.”, his voice breaking on the last word, but you just give him a slight nod before he walks out of your dorm.

you walk over to your bed and sit down, staring at the ground. a wave of emotion washes over you, and you start to sob uncontrollably, your chest heaving, feeling as if you can’t breathe. you don’t notice eve being in the room until you feel you bed dip next to you, and her arms wrap around you. you lean into her as she comforts you and tries to calm you down. you don’t know when you could ever forgive joe for what he did to you, but it certainly isn’t now.

a/n: i kinda hate this but oh well

[silentglassbreak]

Anonymous

Noah Sebastian x OFC

I’m getting more readers, which makes me so excited! We’ve got to dig in on this one. We’ve got a ways to go. Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Alcohol abuse, overall abuse, mild violence (ie. bar fights), smut, swearing, and altogether just a lot of fuckery.

+It goes without saying, this is a work of fiction. All of my words are my own. Plagiarism is a crime.

Taglist: @flowery-mess

Part 6 - Kingdom of Cards

When my eyes finally cracked open, Angel’s cold nose was touching mine, his eyes brightened by the sunlight peering in across the living room. It took me a moment to adjust to my surroundings, but the night before came flooding back all at once.

I shifted my legs, reminding myself that I was indeed naked from the waist down. I felt an uncomfortable moisture between my legs, which made me groan out loud.

“Well look who decided to join us, Angel.” His voice floated across the living room from the kitchen. I caught a glimpse of dark hair out of the corner of my eye, walking toward me with two mugs in his hand.

He was still shirtless, but had his pants on. That felt wildly unfair.

“I hope it’s alright, I made us some coffee.”

I pulled the blanket up to my neck, my eyes still squinting while adjusting to the sunlight. He set the mug down on the coffee table in front of me while I nodded in response.

He sat down on the couch near my feet, only perched on the edge. “I also hope it’s alright that I stayed over last night. I fell asleep before the movie ended, and didn’t realize until this morning.”

I couldn’t process that right now. “What time is it?”

“7:30, do you work today?”

“Ugh! Why are we awake at 7:30AM?” I pouted at him.

He laughed. “Sorry, I’m an early riser, and Angel had to use the restroom. He pawed at my arm until I woke up.”

I glared at my hound, irritated that he made me start this day before life was meant to be awake.

I rolled my body toward the back of the couch, yawning and fixating myself until I was comfortable.

“I don’t work today, therefore I am going back to sleep.” I mumbled.

I felt Noah stand off the couch.

“Okay, I guess I’ll head home once I’m done with my coffee, then.”

My eyes popped open, something about that idea not sitting well with me.

“Wait.” He looked down at me, already moving toward the kitchen. “When do you leave for tour?”

“Monday.” He said between sips of coffee.

I sat up, pulling the blanket over my lap, and stretched my arms over my head before speaking again.

“So you’re probably super busy with getting ready and stuff, huh?” I said mid-yawn.

He smirked. “Kinda sorta? Tomorrow my schedule is full of last minute packing, getting the house ready to be gone, arranging schedules, and all that bullshit. Sunday is panic day.”

My eyebrow quirked. “Panic day?”

He walked back over to the couch and sat next to me. “Mhm,” another sip of coffee. “See, the day before we leave, I always set aside to panic about stupid shit. What am I forgetting? Who do I need to call and check in on? Do we have enough food for the bus? That kind of dumb shit. Helps me not to panic after we leave.”

I nod. “That’s really smart.”

“I know.” He tipped his cup toward mine, and I picked it up, sipping the warm brewed coffee, letting it wake me a little more.

“Today, though, all I have to do is meet with my tour manager at 2, so we can make sure all the deposits were paid and the gear is loaded.”

I glanced down at my cup.

“Well, I don’t have plans today - like most days. You don’t have to leave right this second.” I glanced up at him. “Unless you want to.”

His grin was genuine. “I don’t.” He set his coffee down. “I already let Nick know I was okay and didn’t fall off the wagon. Let him know I was here.”

This piqued my curiosity. “You didn’t lie and tell him you were somewhere else?”

He shook his head. “I don’t like lying to Nick. He gets pissy for way too long once he finds out.”

I like Nick. He’s good for Noah.

His voice pulled me from my thoughts. “So…” I peered back at him. “We going to talk about last night?”

This made me squirm uncomfortably. The memory infiltrated my brain, making the moisture between my legs more pronounced.

“Uh…” I set my coffee down and shifted so my legs were crossed and covered.

He softened his eyes, looking at my face. “We don’t have to.”

I groaned, reaching over to the pillow on the edge of the couch and pressing it into my face. My voice came out muffled.

“Yeah we do.”

I heard him laughing now. Glad he found it amusing.

“I mean, if it was that bad, you can tell me. I’ve got thick skin.”

This made me snap back up, disbelief painting my features. “What?!”

His expression was smug, but not enough to annoy me. “I mean, be honest with me.”

I chucked the pillow at him then, him deflecting with his arm while he roared with laughter.

“You jackass, it was great!”

This made the smug grin on his face widen to the point I thought maybe he would break his jaw.

“Don’t get too excited. We shouldn’t have done it.”

This made his face fall, and I cursed myself internally for making him look like that. Before I could speak again, his brow furrowed.

“Why?”

This took me back. What kind of question was that?

“Because I’m your sponsor, Noah. It’s so heavily frowned upon.”

He contemplated this. I kept my tone even, strict but not stern.

“So, you won’t be my sponsor anymore.” It wasn’t a question.

I sighed. “You need a sponsor. You still need support.”

He sat back, closer to me now. “Okay, so I ask Nick. He already offered. I just needed an excuse to call you every day.”

This made me still. Is he openly admitting that he has wanted this? I get what he said last night, but I figured that was just in the heat of the moment.

“Seriously?”

He reached over, then, pulling my arm over so he could grab my hand, sliding his palm over mine.

“I know it isn’t right. I was with Lily, so I told myself it was just me needing my sponsor.” He looked away from me, staring at our hands that were neatly placed on top of each other. “But after a while, it was pretty obvious that it was more than that. And then the problems with her started…”

He trailed off. We needed to talk about this.

“What happened, Noah?”

He chewed on his bottom lip. “You remember when she backed out of the tour?” I nodded. “Well, that was when I felt like we really started to disconnect. Lily and I were together for almost a year, and I really did love her. We had been friends for so long before, it just seemed natural.”

My stomach dropped a little, but I let him go on.

“But a big part of our relationship was the drinking. I wouldn’t say she’s an alcoholic, but I was. And it was clear, it was just never talked about. When I finally figured it out, she told me I was fine. I was just getting it out of my system before I ‘grew up’. It felt weird, like she didn’t care about my wellbeing.”

“So anyway, last night I called her and asked her to reconsider coming on tour. My feelings for you were getting stronger, and I was afraid if her and I didn’t re-establish our connection, we’d lose it altogether.”

Noah was so good. No one deserved him.

“She shut me down. Told me I needed to focus on the shows, the tour, and maybe not so much on my ‘recovery’, her quotes, not mine. She doesn’t believe I have a problem, but that I’m looking for an excuse to get attention.”

This made a hot feeling rise in my throat. I was enraged. But I bit my tongue, wanting to leave the space open.

“So I snapped. I told her she either needed to accept who I was, or leave. She didn’t even hesitate. She told me to ‘call her when I’m over this phase’.”

I squeezed his hand, signaling that I had him. He was safe.

“Noah, I’m so fucking sorry. I can’t even believe that.”

He shook his head. “It’s for the best.” He looked up then, smiling tiredly at me. “Besides, when you told me to come over, I figured that was the universe’s way of telling me the path I’m supposed to be on.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. It was hard to deny that being around Noah felt like it just fit. Like something that was missing, had suddenly appeared. I never let myself think about that, though.

“Well…” I thought out my next words carefully. “we can…try. I don’t know how well we’ll do, but you have to promise you’ll find another sponsor.”

His teeth flashed at me, elation rising.

“But, I don’t want anything official. You’re about to leave for two months. Let’s just see what happens, okay?”

His expression mimicked what I would expect from a child on Christmas morning.

“Yes ma’am.” I felt a tingle in my stomach at that.

He reached over to me, ever so gently brushing his lips to my cheek, leaving a small kiss that had me blushing.

“You’re still insufferable.” I shook my head and stood up, pulling my shirt down over my bare ass. I caught his eyes watching me, now looking a little hungry. “I need a shower. Then, if you want, you can join Angel and I for a walk.”

He licked his lips. “Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to ask to join you for the shower?”

I hid the shiver that crept up my spine, smiling wickedly as I walked toward the hallway. “Yes, it would be.”

I watched his disappointment turn his lips down.

“Luckily for you, I like inappropriate.” I quipped before turning down the hallway.

The water sprayed down my back while my I stood under it, his lips going to work on my neck. I moaned loudly while his fingers slid in and out of my pussy, making my legs shake.

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m going to fall over.”

His arm snaked behind my waist, his teeth now tugging at my earlobe. “Nah baby girl, I got you.”

His voice was so low, so raspy. I could barely keep myself from finishing right here. I rolled my head against his chest, mine heaving with my erratic breaths.

I glanced down, watching his erection stand at attention, begging to be touched. I reached my hand down, wrapping my fingers around his shaft, tugging gently, listening to his breathing hitch.

“Mm, do you have any idea how difficult it is not to just fuck you right here?” His eyes were pressed closed, focusing on keeping his hand steady while I worked him over.

“I haven’t figured out why you’re not.” My voice was barely above a whisper.

This made him look over at me, eyes black as night, his mouth closed in a tight line. He reached behind me, shutting the water off quickly and pulling me in, capturing my lips with his.

Exactly the same as the night he first kissed me, he grabbed my ass and lifted me up, my legs wrapping around his back instinctively. Our kiss broke for only a second while he stepped out of the shower, walking cautiously slow out to the bedroom so we didn’t slip. I used this time to latch onto his ear, sucking and kissing red marks into the tattoos on the side of his neck.

He sat down on the bed, leaving me room to straddle and grind against him. We moaned in unison, the friction too sweet.

He suddenly went still, causing me to freeze.

“I don’t have a rubber.”

I pulled back to look at his face, searching my brain for where I left the box I bought forever ago.

“I have some in my closet, but they’re pretty old.”

“How old?”

“A year? Maybe more?”

He pursed his lips. “Get them?”

I jumped off of him, and he leaned back on his hands, watching me intently while I turned and jogged to my walk-in closet.

I had to dig around on the shelf a bit before returning with the foil pouch.

He ripped it open with his teeth and inspected it, running the pad of his thumb over it.

“I think it’s alright?” He raised an eyebrow at me for approval.

I grabbed it from him, checking for myself before being satisfied and reaching down to apply it to him. He watched me, likely insuring I put it on correctly. Once I had let go of him, he grabbed me, causing me to squeal while he flipped me on the bed. His arms grabbed me by the hips, pulling me to the edge of the bed, his feet firmly planted on the carpet.

My mouth hung open, patiently waiting for him to line himself up to my entrance. I sighed with satisfied relief when he pressed himself in slowly, giving me a second to adjust to the feeling. It had been such a long time since I’d felt anything like this, it had me swimming in oceans I’d never known existed.

“Fuck, Leena. So fucking tight.” I snuck a glance at him, his eyes closed, bottom lip caught between his teeth.

I adjusted my hips, giving him more room to lean down on top of me. He backed out slowly, leaving an empty feeling before slamming back into me with full force, pulling a scream out of my throat.

His rhythm was relentless, pressing deep into me with each hard thrust. I lifted my legs to hook around him. His mouth attacked mine again, pressing his tongue into my mouth hungrily.

He pulled away, and looked down at me, his teeth gritted together.

“Touch yourself.” There was no asking, with Noah.

I let my hand wander down between us, him lifting up slightly to give me room. I let my fingers roll over my clit, breathing hard at the sensation.

“That’s it. Come on my cock, baby.” I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his face, sweat forming near his hairline. He was so delicious. So unbelievable.

I felt myself get so close, I had to grab onto his shoulder to ground myself.

“Fuck Noah, I’m going to come. I’m going to come so fucking hard.”

If it were somehow possible, he sped up, slamming his hips into me, partially lifting me to get a fresh angle.

His eyes began to roll back and his mouth fell open.

“Fuck, fuck, I’m coming, holy fuck.” His words only brought me over the edge, stars exploding behind my lids.

He slowed his thrusts, riding me through my orgasm before stopping entirely.

-

I watched Noah’s SUV back out of the driveway, a small pull in my chest tightening. It wasn’t fun, feeling like the bubble of safety we had been in for the last 13 hours had burst, but it had to happen eventually.

I had no idea what this meant, or where we would go from here, but I did know that I didn’t want to spoil it by talking about it with anyone, or getting too excited.

Noah was interested, that much was abundantly clear. I was still concerned that his attachment to me was driven by his addiction, though. What would it mean if I wasn’t his sponsor anymore, and I wasn’t his person to run to when the cravings hit? What if he only grew these feelings because I was a safe space for him? And now I’m not that?

What made me so fucking special?

I asked myself all of these questions as I pattered around my home, running laundry, washing the few dishes, sweeping the floors.

I had to put my sheets in the wash after this morning, which made me stop and smile at the thought.

After about three hours of being alone, and realizing I had been spacing out, my phone chimed.

Noah: Is it weird that I feel really out of place at home, now?

This made me smile, but also raise an eyebrow. He had only been gone a few hours.

Me: Maybe a little.

I followed it up with another quick message.

Me: Is it weird it feels empty here now?

His response came only seconds later.

Noah: Can you come over?

Noah: I could use a snack. ;)

I felt the warmth grow in my belly, shaking my head and chuckling.

Me: Baby, you need to get ready for tour.

Adding the pet name had me slightly horrified. It was an experiment. See his reaction. His text took exactly five minutes to come in, which knotted me up waiting.

Noah: You could help me.

I sighed. My phone vibrated again.

Noah: Baby.

“Oh, I am so fucked.”

-

The drive to his house took me sixteen painfully long minutes. When I hit the button for the gate, and it swung open after a few moments, I parked and saw a grinning Noah waiting for me at the top of the drive. I hopped out of the vehicle, Angel trailing behind.

“Did you walk here?” He padded over to me, wrapping his unnaturally long arms around me. His head dipped down to place a soft kiss on my lips, lingering for a few seconds. I inhaled, smelling the scent of fresh shampoo and some unknown cologne. He smelled so unique. So very Noah.

“Get a room, ya freaks!” I pulled back instinctively, my head whipping over to the voice.

Folio stood by the large red pickup truck parked just outside of the garage. I bowed my head sheepishly and Noah smiled, lifting a finger at him before grabbing my hand and leading me inside.

“Sorry, he’s just mad that he hasn’t gotten laid in a while!” He said unnecessarily loud, tossing a glance toward his band mate who only stuck his tongue out in response.

“You’ll have to excuse the mess, it gets pretty crazy right before we leave.” The living room was littered with bags of varying types; suitcases, backpacks, trunks with wheels on them. The couch was covered in laid out merch, shirts being draped over the back. I stopped to look at them for a moment.

“Want one?” He stepped over, picking up a black shirt with the image of a girl licking a samurai blade. The back listed their tour dates. “These are the new ones, we get samples sent over to give out, or wear, or whatever.” He sifted through the stack, picking out a medium, and handing it to me.

I held it up against myself, noticing it may just barely lift over my D cup breasts.

“Uh…could I get an XL? If you have one?” He snatched the shirt back and handed me another. I flung it over my shoulder as he went back to looking through them.

“What size does Laura wear?” I quickly told him the medium would be fine, so he handed it to me. “Those aren’t even released yet, so you guys are extra special.”

I smiled and feigned amazement. “No way!”

He shook his head and waved me over. “C’mon.”

Angel and I followed him upstairs, my dog obediently staying at my side. Noah opened the door just at the top of the staircase to a darkened bedroom, only lighting coming from his computer desk in the corner. His bed was, I guessed, a queen size. A large flat screen covered the wall adjacent. Aside from that, his room was relatively bare. He flipped on a light.

Pointing his finger and snapping, Noah barked out, “Angel, bed.”

My dog jumped on the mattress happily, stepping in a circle before curling up and plopping down.

I raised my eyebrows. “Did you just command my dog?”

Noah sat next to Angel, scratching the top of his head. “He likes me.”

I slipped my bag off my shoulder and walked over to his computer chair, setting it and the shirts down, and stepping back over to Noah, invading the space between his legs.

“So.” I stated, dropping my hands on his shoulders. His fingers gripped my hips, eye level with my breasts and taking in a full view.

“So…” His eyes roamed over my body, hands sliding up and down my legs.

“You wanted me here.” I smirked. “Here I am.”

“Right, right. What ever could we do?” His voice was deeper, his intentions clear.

I reached down to connect us, our mouths now molding together. I lifted one knee up on the bed beside him, pressing myself into his torso.

“Yo, Noah!” A male voice called from downstairs. He didn’t react, and when I tried to pull back, he held me firmly in place, bringing his kisses down to my neck and collarbone.

I swore I heard a thumping on the steps, but I couldn’t identify any sounds right now, not with his tongue tracing circles on my neck and his lips pulling at my skin.

“Dude, you need to - oh fuck! Excuse me!” I jerked back, Noah having the same reaction. We both snapped our heads to the doorway, seeing a very embarrassed Nick diverting his eyes. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

I snickered and looked away.

Nick waved nervously, without looking at me. “Hey Leena.”

I smiled at him. “Hi Nick.”

“Dude, kind of in the middle of something here.” Noah’s voice was annoyed, his hands still firmly gripping my sides.

“Sorry, but we need help loading Jolly’s amp into the trailer. Fucker’s so heavy.”

He shrugged, dropping his head between us.

“If I tell Angel to sick’em, will he?”

I giggled. “It doesn’t exactly work like that, babe.”

Nick cleared his throat. “Sorry, but this should’ve been done yesterday. We’re running behind.”

I moved my leg off the bed and stepped back, giving Noah room to stand up.

I heard him grumble as he walked past me. “Fucking dickhead.”

I called Angel and we followed Noah out of the bedroom.

-

Monday came way too quickly, and I hadn’t seen Noah since Friday night when I left his house. After ‘supervising’ the guys load up their equipment, and helping Noah work on some packing, Angel and I had headed home without any additional extra-curricular activities, unfortunately.

Saturday was a blur. I had met up with Laura to give her the new shirt, sending Noah a picture of us both wearing our new merch. He said he was glad Laura loved it, and made some rather unspeakable remarks about how I had better be wearing only that the next time he saw me. Laura and I went to dinner Saturday night where I gave her the diluted version of what happened; Noah and I were no longer in a sponsor/sponsee relationship, but were also not in a real relationship. She said I was avoiding it, I told her to leave me alone.

Sunday was spent on the phone with Noah most of the day while he did exactly as he had warned me; panicked.

“I can’t find my Docs. I need them. I wear them on stage!” They were in the closet.

“What if the bus breaks down like it did last time? Does AAA do roadside assistance for tour buses?” They do, I called and checked.

“I didn’t pack enough jackets. Colorado is always so cold.” It’s May.

“Folio stole my god damn ski mask!” He didn’t. Noah’s was in the washing machine.

Once he stopped having ‘real’ things to panic over, he began the really sad stuff.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“How am I going to handle being away from you for two months?”

“Can’t you just come with me? Angel can come too!”

After much reassurance, and declining to quit my job and up and leave my entire life to join him on tour, I had finally talked him into bed and waited on the phone while he fell asleep.

Currently, I was sitting at my desk, counting down the seconds until I got to go home. Work had been exhausting, and I was so ready to take my bra off and lay in my pajamas.

I clicked open my phone, not having missed any texts and feeling depressed about it. I hadn’t heard from Noah since 7AM when he sent me a video. I pressed on the video to play it for the hundredth time today.

“Hey babe!” He stood outside his house, coffee in his hand, the large bus sitting behind him. “We’re heading out here in a second! We’re headed to Greenwood, but won’t get there until about 9 or 10 tonight. I may not get service, but I’ll call you when I can! Have a great day at work.” The video ended with a large grin on his face that made me smile to myself.

“What’s got you so giddy?” I looked up to see Sam, my not-so-favorite manager standing on the other side of my desk. I popped my AirPod out, looking up at him.

“What?” I asked him to repeat, not that I hadn’t heard him, if only just to annoy him.

“What has you smiling all day?”

I checked the time on my computer and saw that it was 5PM, so I stood from my desk and grabbed my purse.

“Nothing exciting. Funny TikTok.”

Sam nodded, his eyes roaming over my blouse, down my tight-fitting slacks. I internally gagged and began moving around my desk.

“Hey, Leena,” I turned to look as I passed by him. “You want to grab dinner or something?”

The shock and disgust must have not shown on my face, because he just stared with a toothy grin, confidence rolling off of him.

“I, uh…” My voice stammered, wildly aware how much taller and larger he was than I. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” He seemed bewildered, as if he couldn’t believe someone would turn him down.

“I’m involved with someone.”

He snorted at this. “Since when, Celibate Susie?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. This fucking asshole.

“That’s none of your business, Sam. And I don’t think HR would care for that nickname.”

He rolled his eyes.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to lock my office.”

He swaggered past me toward the door, turning back around swiftly, causing me to stop short.

“Well, if you change your mind, you’ve got my number.” He was so close that I could still smell the pastrami on his breath from lunch and I almost gagged.

I just glared at him for a beat before he walked away. I locked my office door hurriedly and nearly sprinted for the building doors. Right as I reached my car, I felt my phone vibrating in my bag.

I cursed, struggling to fish it out before Noah’s face flashed across my screen. I swiped the call open and he began speaking before I could greet him.

“Hey babe! We’re stopped for gas and I’m just outside stretching. Sorry I haven’t called. Service has been weird all through Utah. We’re in some backwoods ass town called Green River, I think? It’s kind of creepy, really. Some real Hills Have Eyes stuff.”

“Anyway, how was your day?”

I sighed, now sitting in the driver’s seat of my car, listening to the melody of his voice ramble.

“Ugh, I miss you so much already.”

[irenadel]

And if the devil...... 7/10

TW: Blood, domestic violence, talk of SA, miscarriages (this is HotD after all) This chapter is short on Aemond but I promise he'll be back on his bullshit next chapter. Also it turns out I am an absolute idiot and erased this chapter so here I am publishing again. Once more beautiful banner courtsey of @barbieaemond's gorgeous gifs and we have now ten chapters instead of 9

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10

The moment he sees you, bag in one hand, jaw clenched so tight your teeth hurt, your uncle orders you close to his chair. He can move, but not well and will not risk it for the likes of you. He demands the truth, and slaps you when you dare withhold it from him. It isn’t a particularly good slap, but nothing ever erases the sting of humiliation. When he rails and grabs for your wrist, twisting it painfully in his slack grip, you still refuse to answer. Your eyes fixed back on the floor, your back having lost its rigid posture. You don’t look stubborn. Just defeated. He does not insist.

Your cousin Angus is white as a sheet, home for a brief holiday, wondering if he’ll be able to go back to his apprenticeship after this is done. The little ones are hushed up by their mother and you sit at the table, eating nothing, feeling nauseous with anger and dread.

Your aunt does not shout, does not ask what happened. She waits for a quiet, private moment. Looks at you with a tired, pinched face and says, “Did you get a recommendation?”

You do not answer this either. You look away, too ashamed and heartbroken to face her.

“I’ll earn the coin somehow,” you promise, cold dread already spreading through your limbs, fear so terrible that your heart seems to have caught in your throat and you are choking on the stupid, wretched thing. “Don’t fret.”

And for a time you keep your word.

It’s grueling work. A miserly merchant’s house that you take on, because a noble house would have required the letter of recommendation you had refused with your fist and your spit on the prince’s face. The sort of merchant who hires only a couple of girls and expects his wife to direct it all, no steward to be had and enough work for a staff of thrice that number. But that is also the kind of merchant who will not care if you worked at the Red Keep or not. It is the butcher’s on rest days, in spite of the neighbors talking about hours sacred to the Seven, and laundry taken in at night because you still can’t manage sewing.

Even then it’s just barely enough.

Your aunt suggests the butcher, over sixty and with bad gout and a house full of children might need a strong, young wife he would pay a good bride price for. It would be enough to pay for Angus’ apprenticeship. You would have a place near them, an allowance of your own and less work. You had done enough, she told you. You deserved some rest from all this toil.

She could not know how you recoiled inwardly at this thought. She could not know that when there had been no laundry to take in, and the miser’s wife had been particularly scathing with you and you were feeling desperate enough to do anything, if only you could ensure there would be enough of everything for your family tomorrow and the day after and all the days after… only then had you considered going to find a man who would buy the only thing of value you possessed.

But you couldn’t. Not now. Not ever again. Thrice had been thrice too many times. And you had known without a shadow of a doubt that if you had to touch a man you did not want, after knowing the taste of flesh, love and blood of the dragon… then you would begin to scream and never stop again, until you had driven the whole world mad with you.

Not even for a butcher and a fat bride price.

You are half thankful you are too miserable and tired to eat much and try not to miss the room and board you got at the Red Keep. All you want to do is sleep and forget. Instead you are awake at dawn, haggard and full of worries. It would be easier to endure misery again if only you could forget happiness. You turn away from talk of the castle. You cannot bear the sight of babes in arms, thinking that the princess’ time will come and go and there is nothing you can do to help her.

At night you go to bed so exhausted you do not dream. When you see his face before you, twisted in a grimace of hatred, you are always wide awake and scrubbing floors, bent down over bread or under buckets of water or heavy gaudy furniture. You wash other people’s filth so hard your hands bleed because all you want to do is work and work and work… work until you are too tired to remember Prince Aemond’s beautiful, wounded expression.

You hadn’t wanted to hurt him further then, but had had no words of comfort for him. No words to explain the ways of the world to a prince, born over gold and silver and dragon eggs, who looked at you as furious as he was heartbroken.

“Aegon is less than a worm,” he had hissed in defeat. “You could’ve broken every bone in his body before you let him touch you.”

You had not known who the anger in his face had been for. You or his brother or himself.

You do your best not to think of him. Even when food tastes like ashes in your mouth and you cannot even be bothered with anger and shame of your own when your uncle throws a laden plate at you, reminding you he is tired of dumplings and turnips, and it is all your fault for managing to ruin the one good chance you had ever known in your life. If you had had any tears left in you, you would have wept until your throat bled. But Princess Helaena had been right. A dragon’s love leaves nothing but devastation in its wake.

Your aunt watches you like a hawk. You can feel her worried eyes drilling a hole in the back of your neck. You avoid her as best as you can but even toil relents after months of careful vigilance. She catches you at night when you are boiling white shirts and scrubbing small clothes by the light of the sputtering, old castle lamp. No one else is awake at this time and you know she has sought you out to give you your privacy. She has always been kind like that, for the small things if not for the big ones.

You are prepared to fend her off, claim you are too tired to talk, but her question catches you off guard.

“Whose is it? That lad who didn’t marry you?”

It takes you a moment to understand it fully. You gape at her and immediately prepare to deny it but the words die on your lips. The truth is you don’t know. Hadn’t even thought of the possibility. Had been too miserable and heartsick to realize it had been over two months since…

Your aunt takes the lamp off its perch and gives you a handful of seed wheat and tells you to go plant it in the yard and piss on it. Better to be sure, she had said. You could not know that Dothraki women had done the same thing for centuries. You had not known any Dothraki women. Just her. Just the woman who had never been a mother to you but always there at least. Even now.

Even when you know, a week after, from the first little seedlings sprouting. Even when you throw up what little food you have managed to eat and sit with her, at night again, too stunned to think, too scared to move.

All you can hear is Aemond’s recriminations. That he should have known from the start the snake he had allowed in his bed. Fool. Thrice damned fool. Blinder than a man with both his eyes gouged out. Telling you, you were to be banished from his and the princess’ presence lest your lechery infect her and everything around her too. You would have begged in that moment. You would have fallen on your knees and tried to explain the world you inhabited, the one where you do not dare say no to princes, even when you know full well you could break their noses.

But you hadn’t been able to look at Aemond Targaryen and lie to him. You had no words to tell him the truth you lived. You couldn’t tell him you had not wanted his brother, or how hard you had tried to keep wanting him even after he spoke to you, if only for a second, before you realized the futility of it. Before you had realized how drunk he was and that only jesting boldness could have ever brought about his interest in you. Because he was beautiful too. A king’s son too. No lice. All his teeth. Hands soft as silk. And he wanted you when no one did. Wanted you before Aemond or Helaena had deigned to notice you existed at all. When all you knew was the small, meanness of the world and endless work without thanks.

But then he had spoken and you had felt your heart die. Because they all had to speak in the end. Prince Aegon and the rancid sea captain and that one drunk, old lecher who had backhanded you and almost refused to pay, when you had been only fifteen and desperate to get your family the things they needed from you. It was as if they could not help but ruin your simple, pitiful illusion that this was anything but animal filth. The knowledge that you had carried every day of your life after you had left the Dothraki Sea: that a man would sooner piss on you than fuck you.

And then you had wanted to rip that silver hair off his head, his eyes from their sockets, knock in each one of his perfect teeth. Because he hadn’t even dignified you with desire. None of them ever did. And you had shredded your nails to pieces against the stone floor, willing it to be over soon, willing yourself not to enjoy it, because it had been so long since someone, anyone, had touched you.

And then Aemond had come into your life and changed it all. With his daggers and his insane, impossible demands. Blood and desire mixed inextricably together for the both of you, so much that love would forever more taste of copper to your tongue. Because that had been his gift to you. Leave to lay hands on him as easily as men had ever laid hands on you. You had used it then, one last time, when he had said, venom overflowing his lips, that he should have known your falseness when you had been kind to Helaena.

And that had been the end of it. You swinging at Prince Aemond one last time. Spitting on his face after splitting his lip open, because there was no more love for you on his sharp, cruel mouth. And because you had had nothing to lose, no further thing to be taken from you, you had said to him you would rather walk the rest of your days, like the old and infirm of a khalasar, before you ever laid eyes on him again.

And Aemond, fierce Valyrian purple eye fixed on both your red ones, looking more regal and perfect than any man with a bleeding mouth had the right to, had cursed you in a single breath, “That is exactly what you’ll do.”

You had left with nothing because you had wanted nothing of him, or his blood. You had refused to look for the steward or Princess Helaena or the queen. And now here you were, staring at your aunt, feeling sick again, with your heart torn from your breast and a belly full of prince.

Your aunt holds you, even when you still cannot find your tears. All you can think of is that the gods had known. From Stranger to Mother of Mountains, to the gods of Old Valyria you had once known the names of because Aemond had taught them to you. The gods had known who you were, stupid, eager girl. Because when you had laid with Prince Aegon you had washed his seed out of you as quick as you could and used honey and prayed. There had been no money for moontea and the terror that you might lose your position had been too great to ask anyone for help. So you had prayed to any god who would listen to you until your blood had come but now… You hadn’t prayed hard or often enough for Aemond. The gods could tell what you had truly wanted.

So when your aunt, face as pale and frightened as yours, had suggested you could go to the Street of Silk to find a way to flush this problem out, or you could marry the butcher, quickly enough that he would not suspect the babe to not be his, you had pushed her away so fast she had nearly fallen and you had stood straight as a spear to tell her you would not.

“He is Blood of the Dragon.”

And your aunt had looked as broken and defeated as you knew you should’ve felt. Had been too horrified by the certainty and conviction in your face to notice your cousin Angus, lumbering as he was, trying to wedge his ungainly big-boned frame closer to the staircase so he could hear you both and remain unseen. Home and awake at this hour because you had finally been unable to continue paying his master.

“The… king?” Your aunt had guessed breathlessly, not knowing the blow she had dealt you when doubting, quite naturally, that you could have caught the eye of a prince. Let alone two. You do not think about it. Refuse to linger on Prince Aegon when you know you carry a babe in your belly.

Your babe. 

You do not know what you are thinking, merely shake your head in denial and murmur furtively,

“The prince. Aemond One-Eye.”

And you do not blame your aunt that her knees buckle under her and she sits down, her hand on her mouth holding in her fear. She knows next to nothing of the royal family, except what little she has pried from you. But this she knows.

She looks at you in something close to awe. Her savage girl. The one born of horses and spite.

“Gods save us all.”

And that was exactly what she had screamed, when your uncle had hauled you out of bed in the morning, after she had let you sleep in while she made breakfast alone, having begged you already to reconsider dignity and heartbreak, to go back to the Red Keep and inform someone, anyone, of the danger you carried in your belly. Because a royal bastard, no matter the mud on its mother’s feet, was an entirely different beast.

But there had been no time. No accounting for her husband’s newfound strength, aided by Angus on his bad side, as shocked and horrified as any of them, but still unable to let his old father falter, as he dragged you out of bed and house.

“I’ll not have you in my home,” he had panted, hard at work dragging you behind him, tripping on his own weak leg, his useless arm all but forgotten in his scorn. “I’ll not have a harlot carrying on like this! With my daughters here!”

You can hear Bree and Delma comforting the younger ones. You can hear your aunt crying and begging and doing nothing. You catch a glimpse of Angus’ stricken face, sick with shock, but still holding up his father’s mangled body.

Always there, never a part of them, you had told Prince Aemond. And he had known exactly what you meant. Had devoured your lips with hunger and urgency and kissed your hands, angry thoughts full of Luke and Jace, Baela and Rhaena.

The worst part. The hardest to swallow. The most painful thought. That you loved them, all of them, sleepless nights and resentment and enduring silence… but still you had loved them.

And there might have been some love left for you in your uncle’s rage. It was the hidden truth behind every man who had ever called a woman he loved a whore. There might have been tears still left in him for the little orphan child he had taken in, his sister’s wild girl, a little ghost of a thing he had sent to work for strangers and been unable to protect.

But it was not enough. It had not been enough for Aemond to hear whatever words you had been unable to speak to him. And it was not enough to stop your uncle, exhausted from the effort of dragging his strong, young niece out the house, and unable to haul you further. It wasn’t enough to stop him from feeling the shame of his aching and weakened body, and of taking that shame out on you, one gnarled hand with a handful of your hair, finding no strength to keep moving, but finding enough anger to slam your face against the door frame again and again and again.

And you would have let him. If you had been nought but the resigned, lonely girl Prince Aegon had shoved against the stone floor, then you would have closed your eyes and prayed it would be over soon.

But you weren’t that anymore and it had been foolish to think you ever would be again. You had tasted fire from Aemond One-Eye’s lips. You had tasted steel and sulfur and hatred. And you had tasted love. You were growing a dragon inside you and you would broker no disrespect for him or yourself.

It’s one swift motion, one even a prince could be proud of. Your right hand grabbing a hold of your uncle’s left and your left using your momentum to swing. You hear a sickening crunch and feel something breaking under your knuckles. Good. You almost don’t feel sorry.

Your aunt and cousins are sobbing and you can barely see through the film of blood seeping from your forehead and the ringing of your abused ear. You want to spit on the floor of this place you had thought a home. You want to say something proud like your father would have, something fierce and scornful like Aemond.

You don’t get the chance.

Angus is a big lad now, a big hurt lad, who had never understood you but had always looked up to you. You don’t want to blame him for knocking you into the floor with the awkward, hulking launch of his body for your midsection.

He’s only a boy. Your boy. Whose hurts you have patched. Whose food you have paid for, in tears and sweat and hate. He’s only a boy defending his father… but you can’t afford pity today. Today your coin’s all spent.

You knee him in the groin, and he does not laugh like Aemond. There are tears of pain and humiliation at the corners of his eyes. A penniless boy’s dignity much dearer to him than to a prince. And you don’t flee him as you had fled Aemond, a lifetime ago, because you know, instinctively, the danger of pursuit. You climb on top of him and grab a hold of his head, hitting it once, twice for good measure, so he will know to stay down.

He does not. For a second you are proud.

Then you feel his fist knock the air out of you, but you do not falter. You do not back down. You find his nose with your left hand because you do not trust your exhausted sight, and ram the heel of your right between his eyes, breaking one more thing in this house before you leave it forever.

Angus does not try to hit you again, just lays on the floor, clutching his face, moaning in pain. You grab a handful of his hair so you can haul him up to you, so he can hear you. Shout it so the rest can hear it too.

“I am fucking done with all of you!”

You don’t want to look at your aunt. You don’t want to try to discern her expression behind the veil of sweat and tears and hate. But your eyes are as treacherous as they are dead and you seek her out anyway. You do not know if it is rage or hurt or grief on her, but you know something is wrong.

She is crying, unmoving but crying, her older girls in her arms are looking at you with something close to horror. And through your pain and nausea and heartbreak you can hear her say it again.

“Gods save us all.”

When you look down at where she’s looking, you see your skirts blooming red with blood.

[mymoodwriting]

Request for Anon (Werewolf Baekhyun) 3.3k, A/B/O, fighting, verbal abuse, drinking, intoxication, tipsy behavior, kidnapping, drugs, restraints, pheromones, smut, non-con, dub-con, biting, blood, marking, intimidation, implied pregnancy, yandere (@starillusion13)

“You’re an omega, and you’re mine.”

     You wanted to slap Baekhyun, you tried, but he grabbed your hand. When you tried to pull away he held on tighter, and you threw a sharp glare his way. You two had been friends for as long as you could remember, basically growing up together, but as of late he had changed. He always seemed to have an attitude around you, especially when others were around. You chalked it up to the fact he finally presented, and turned out to be an alpha. You were happy for him, but you also understood that came with its own burden. So you let some things slide, but this was where you drew the line. You were out with friends, and as the night dragged on he started getting handsy with you. Throughout all those years you had never seen him as anything more than a friend, so you stopped him, which only pissed him off.

“What is wrong with you!”

“I am telling you the truth!”

“My birthday is still months away, and I haven’t presented yet! I’m not an omega, let alone yours.”

“You are! I can tell.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can. I don’t know how to explain it, but I know. You’re an omega.”

“I am not! My family mostly consists of alphas and betas. There hasn’t been an omega in generations and it’s not gonna be me!”

“Y/n-”

“Shut up!” You pulled your arm free. “I have had enough of your attitude, and this stupid idea in your head finally puts it into perspective. I’m not some lowly omega that needs protection from an alpha! And I don’t belong to you either!”

“Listen to me, I-”

“No! I’m not tolerating your bullshit anymore.” You took a breath. “I’m sure being an alpha has its own things to figure out, so you do that, and let me know when you stop being a dick.”

     You walked off without a word, swearing you’d hit him if he tried anything, but he knew better this time. You never thought you’d fight with him, he was always a good friend to you, but this was something else. You wanted to be understanding, but you needed to do what was best for you as well. You didn’t hear from him for weeks, which really worried you, but you weren’t going to reach out to check on him. This was something he needed to figure out on his own. You weren’t sure when you’d hear from him, but a week leading up to your birthday you got a call from him. You were nervous to answer, but you owed him that much.

“Hello?”

“Hey… how’ve you been?”

“Fine for the most part, and you?”

“Me too. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I owe you an apology.”

“Yeah, and?”

“I should do it in person. Are you free anytime soon?”

“I have some time tomorrow.”

“After your classes?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Sure.” 

     All this time you felt like you had been holding your breath, that after all these years you had lost a close friend. Hearing his voice again was a relief, especially since it seemed he had gotten his senses back. Still, you’d have to wait and see if anything had really become of him. So the next day you kinda dreaded your last class, dreaded seeing him for fear things couldn’t go back to the way they were. You had to see him eventually though, so it was better to do it now and rip off the band aid. After class you found Baekhyun waiting for you. He offered you a quick smile but saw your expressionless face and dropped it. He followed you as you went off somewhere so you two could talk in private.

“Did your classes go well today?”

“Same old, same old. How have you been?”

“Good. I’ve done a lot of thinking lately… I can’t excuse my actions, only apologize for them.”

“Yeah.”

“I was a dick, I don’t even know what was going on in my own head. A lot changed for me, and I couldn’t keep myself in check. I’m really sorry you had to witness such a part of me, and I’ll do better to make sure you never do.”

“Is that it?”

“I mean, no amount of words can change what I did, but I’m hoping we can get over this hurdle together, or at least start over.”

“You were such an asshole.”

“I know…”

“And you’re done with that shit?”

“Yes. I never should have treated you that way. I don’t know what was going on with me.”

“Neither do I. Now if you ever pull that shit again, I will not forgive you.”

“I understand.”

“Good.” You took a breath. “Have you seriously been okay?”

“I’ve been doing my best, but there’s a lot going on with me.”

“How’s the family then? You being an alpha and all that. I mean, that’s most of your family anyway.”

“I’ve talked with them a lot. They’re happy I’m an alpha, but there are definitely things I need to be aware of.”

“No shit. Maybe if I’m an alpha too you can let me know.”

“Definitely.”

     Things couldn’t go back to how they used to be, but he was still your friend. Sometimes you could see him slipping back into that possessive behavior, but he composed himself well enough. He was doing better, which was the important thing. So when your birthday party rolled around you trust him to behave himself. Besides, it was your day of celebration, and you were going to enjoy yourself. So a night out at the club, endless drinks and a VIP room full of dancers, best birthday for sure.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough.”

     You were dancing around, clearly already gone for the night. Some of your friends had already gone home, so only a few were left hanging on. Although at this point it was safe to say someone had to end things before you all passed out. That someone was Baekhyun, having remained mostly sober to keep an eye on himself and everyone else. Now he was getting people in cars and sending them on their way. In the end it was just the two of you out on the streets.

“Taxi!” You danced off the curb. “Taxi!”

“No, no, come here.” Baekhyun grabbed you and pulled you back onto the sidewalk. “I’m taking you home, okay?”

“Nuh-uh, you can’t drive.”

“Yes, I can. I didn’t really drink.”

“Prove it.”

“I don’t think I can with you in this state. Come on now.”

     Baekhyun carefully led you over to his car, getting you into the passenger seat and getting your seat belt on. You leaned your head against the glass, Baekhyun getting into the car and driving off.

“Did you have fun?”

“The best…” You giggled. “And you?”

“It was a good night. Get some rest, I’ll wake you when we arrive, and please don’t throw up in my car.”

“No promises…”

     You shut your eyes and let the soft rumble of the car lull you to sleep. You figured you’d be out for a little bit and get some help going inside the house, but when you woke up you felt way more hungover than you thought. You got up, needing a second to realize you were in bed, and needing another to realize this wasn’t your room. The panic sobered you up real quick, but then you recognized the room as Baekhyun’s and calmed down. Although now that made you question why you were at his place. The hangover was starting to hit again, but you managed to get on your feet and go looking for Baekhyun.

“Ya! Baekhyun.” You mumbled. “Baekhyun… why am I here…”

     You managed to find the boy in the kitchen, sat down at the counter eating breakfast. Once he saw you stumbling around he got up and helped you take a seat.

“How’d you manage to get up?”

“Panic… why am I at your place? You said you were going to take me home.”

“I did take you home, to mine that is.”

“Baekhyun.”

“I was tired and my place was closer anyway. I’ll take you home now, after you have breakfast and recover from the hangover.”

“You better.”

     Baekhyun made you a quick breakfast. He was a pretty decent cook, and it was nice to try his food. It had been a while since you last spent time together like that.

“Here. A hangover cure.” Baekhyun handed you a glass. “You’ll feel better.”

“Already do, so thanks.”

     You chugged down the contents of the drink, knowing it was better to get it over with quickly. It didn’t taste bad thankfully, but still made you shiver.

“I’ll get my things and we can go.”

“Sure.”

     You got up, stretching for a moment and then heading back over to the bedroom to grab your belongings. When you returned Baekhyun was exactly where you had left him.

“Alright, we can-”

    You suddenly felt dizzy, grabbing your head and stumbling back a few steps. Baekhyun watched you for a moment and then got up, taking you into his arms so you wouldn’t fall.

“Baekhyun… what’s going on…”

“Just a little something to help.”

    He led you back down the hall towards the bedroom, although when your legs have out he had no problem picking you up and carrying. Your vision kept fading in and out, and you were feeling hot all over. Words were becoming difficult as well, but you still tried. Baekhyun just found you cute, laying you down on the bed. Then you realized he was tying your arms down.

“… what… what are you…”

“I know you still don’t believe me, and that’s fine, but I’m still worried about you. Since you’ve come of age you can present any day now, and I didn’t like the idea of me not being there for it. So I thought I should speed up the process, and this way I’ll be here to look after you.”

“Baekhyun…”

“It should only take a couple hours, so don’t worry.”

“Let… me… go…”

“Definitely can’t do that now. Someone else might want to claim you if they find you in such a state.”

“Why… why…”

“I told you. You’re mine, and I’m not letting anyone else have you. Just try to relax.”

“Baekhyun!”

    You tugged on the ropes, but you barely had any strength left. Your head was spinning and you could barely make out Baekhyun sitting at the edge of the bed, watching you. It hurt, not just your body, but your heart. You had been worried about Baekhyun, and you desperately wanted things to go back to normal that you let him back into your life without being cautious, without letting others know what he had been saying lately. It was getting harder and harder to think, and you could feel your body shutting down to deal with the changes being forced on you. If you could fight it you would, but you didn't even know what was happening. So in the end the darkness swallowed you, and your feelings of fear with it.

🖤

     When you opened your eyes you felt so out of it, barely managing to stay conscious. Your body was shaking, and you felt very hot. You soon found out you were still tied up, and once again tried to free yourself, but it was useless.

“Baekhyun…”

     You didn’t feel so good, you felt sick, and in the moment you didn’t want to be alone. It wasn’t long before you made out Baekhyun in your field of vision. He was sitting by the edge of the bed, his palm against your head.

“You have a fever.” You whined which made him chuckle. “It’s normal to be sick when you present.”

“Huh?”

“I told you that you’re an omega, and it’s all the more obvious now.”

“No… no what… what did you… do…”

“Just helped you awaken your true nature.”

“I’m not… an omega…”

“You can’t deny that now.”

“… home… I wanna…”

“I can’t take you home like this, besides what would your family think? There hasn’t been an omega in generations.” You whimpered. “It’s okay, I’m going to take care of you. I’m sure they’ll be relieved to know that.”

“No… no… I’m not…”

“The fever will pass on its own, but I’m not sure about the other things. They say omegas are pretty delicate, which is why it’s so important to claim one.”

“… go… away…”

“But you called for your alpha earlier.”

“… you’re not…”

“I am. I’ll go get you something for the fever.”

      Once he was gone you began tossing about, wanting to get free. You focused your energy on the rope, trying to untie it, but Baekhyun soon came back and stopped you.

“Is it bothering you?”

“Um…”

“I suppose you don’t need that right now.”

     Baekhyun untied you and helped you sit up, trying to give you some medicine. You refused though, not wanting to take anything from him anymore. He pet your head softly, finding your rebellious acts cute.

“This will make the fever go down and help things settle.”

“I’m not… an omega…”

“You know that’s not true. You can feel it, can’t you?”

“No… you did something…”

“You know there’s no way to change what you are. You can hide it or suppress it, but you can’t change it.”

     You knew all that was true, but you didn’t want to believe him. It wasn’t just about his betrayal, or what he had done, but what this all meant for you. Baekhyun seemed to know what you were thinking, pulling you into his arms despite your protests. He held the back of your head, rocking you softly to the sides, trying to sooth you.

“Sh, sh, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m not gonna look at you differently or anything like that. You’re still y/n to me.”

“It’s not… I can’t…”

“We don’t choose these things.”

    You didn’t know how you were gonna face your family. You weren’t sure you wanted to. This all felt more like a nightmare and you desperately wanted to wake up. If that was the case you felt you would have already woken up, but all this felt way too real. You don’t know when you started crying, but the tears weren’t going to stop easily. So you sobbed into Baekhyun’s chest, letting all your thoughts overwhelm you. That is until something else caught your attention. As you were coming down from the tears you began to notice something. 

    Baekhyun smelled very different. You carefully moved your head up into the crook of his neck, taking in a breath. You never really paid attention to the scents of your friends. You could tell them apart but you never really took them in to know them better. Although you could tell that Baekhyun’s had changed, again. When he had become an alpha you noticed the change, but this was something else entirely. He smelled sweeter, and you couldn’t help yourself, wanting to take in more. Of course Baekhyun noticed, a soft chuckle escaping his lips.

“What is it?”

“You… you smell…”

“Nice?”

“Hm…”

“They say the scent of an alpha is sweeter to an omega, and vice versa. I certainly know that’s the case.”

“… why…”

“Cause alphas and omegas get along better. We’ve always gotten along so well, even before all this. I guess we were meant to be.”

“That’s not fair…”

“I’d call it destiny.” Baekhyun took a moment. “You’re still burning up.”

“I’m fine.”

“You should still take something to make it easier… or I could help.”

“Help?”

“I told you it’s important for an omega to get claimed. I have no problem doing that now.”

     Baekhyun pulled you back a bit, pressing a kiss to your cheek. From there his lips trailed down your neck. Despite the heat and uncomfortableness, his mouth was a sweet relief against your skin. You didn’t want him to stop, and he had no intention of doing so. He knew you were already so high off his scent alone, and in this state you were all the more sensitive. Of course you weren’t the only one being affected. Baekhyun had been holding himself together, but now that he had you so close he couldn’t help himself either. Without asking permission he began to tear up your clothes.

     At that point it was hard to keep anything straight in your head. One minute Baekhyun was kissing down your chest, the next thing you knew you were lying beneath him with less clothing. Your vision was a bit hazy but you could see Baekhyun clearly. He had always been a friend in your mind, but now you thought of something else, of something more. Everything about him was different in your eyes. Your mind taking in the little things and feeling your heart flutter. The feeling only grew more and more as your body was accepting all his attention. 

    Even if you went out clubbing with friends you had never gone home with someone, or showed interest in hookups, so this would be your first. Baekhyun would be the one to take it all, and you knew at that moment you would never give it to anyone else. Your mind was so lost in his everything you didn’t realize the fangs, not until you felt a sharp pain in the crook of your neck. Your eyes went wide and you screamed, the smell of blood hitting your nose soon after. When Baekhyun pulled away you could see his bloody mouth.

“Couldn’t help myself…”

“Baekhyun…”

“No one else can have you.”

     There was a sharpness to his tone, almost like a warning. His one and only time saying this to you, and if you ever forgot it, there would be consequences. You couldn’t comprehend on the surface, but deep down you got the message. He wasn’t done here though, far from it. Baekhyun took off his own shirt, getting rid of the rest of your clothing and his in the process. You made a move to cover yourself, feeling exposed, but he stopped you, holding your hands above your head.

“Don’t hide from me. You’re perfect just like this, and I’ll make you even better.”

🖤

     If anyone asked you to recount that night, your first, the day you were mated, you probably couldn’t tell them anything about it. There was just a mix of heat and blood and pleasure. Your body would never forget, and neither would your soul, even if your mind was completely blank. Baekhyun wouldn’t say anything either, loving to have this secret to himself and to a degree you. All you did know was waking up in his arms, feeling safe, feeling loved. Your future was still uncertain, but you were alright there and then.

“Awake?”

“Hm…”

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired…”

“Well the fever’s down, so I think the worst of it is over.”

“I guess…”

“Sh, take it easy.”

“I feel tingly…”

“That might be the bite.”

“Bite… yeah… you bit me…”

“You still need to bite me back.”

“Hm…”

“Better now before you find out you’re pregnant.”

“What!”

“What? You don’t remember how much we did it? If I didn’t put a baby in you we’re gonna have to try again.”

“Baekhyun, I can’t-”

     You jumped up and away from Baekhyun, but he grabbed your arm and pulled you back down. He pet your head softly, immediately soothing your worries.

“It’s much easier for an omega to get pregnant, especially when they just presented. It’s only natural for you, for us.”

“Us… you really planned this all out, didn’t you?”

“Can you blame me? I’ve always looked after you, I wasn’t gonna let anyone else do that.”

“There were better ways…”

“You wouldn’t listen.”

“You were a prick.”

“Perhaps…”

“No you were.”

“Sh, sh, you should go back to sleep. We can talk more later, and finish things up properly too.”

“Sure.”

“Don’t worry. I got you, and I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

“Thanks… I suppose…”

“It’s always been you and me. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

(II)

[littledollll]

Hi! Your writing is stunning! Well, and truly so! 🌱✨️☁️

Are requests open? If so, could you maybe write an Angst fic of where a shy student!reader comes into contact with the Hyde and gets scratched up on their arm or something while escaping and tried to hide it with their blazer until they can try and sort it in their dorm, too worried to ask for help, but gets found by Larissa Weems along the way, so they try and play it off as something small and unimportant while trying to keep it hidden?

Multitalented

Larissa Weems x Student!Reader

A/n: absolutely baffled at the amount of requests I find I missed so this is why my requests were closed! I wanted to catch up on these<3 I have some I have ideas for, I have some that are just little imagines and others I have no idea what to write for but we’re going strong!

Warnings: injury, process of cleaning said injury, platonic pairing, only slightly angsty

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

You have no idea how you managed to get away. Scratched up but you weren’t sure how much really, you just felt a stinging pain on your arm that you decided to cover up so you could tend to it later. Adrenaline kept you from feeling anything as you ran back to the school grounds.

Half and half because you were terrified of the monster and also the possibility that somebody had noticed and notified the principal that you were gone, you had half a mind to stay in the woods, surely your fate with the monster would be better than whatever principal Weems had in store for you if she found out you were out after curfew.

You had the amazing idea of deciding it would be “cool” and “challenging” to explore the towns forest at night, while a dangerous monster runs rouge, great idea, definitely. You didn’t expect to get injured during your little adventure, stupidly enough.

You didn’t notice a tall figure standing next to the door as you tried to quietly make your way in and almost screamed when you bumped into the principal. “Holy sh- what are you doing here principal Weems?” You said as you tried to recuperate your breathing from all the running you just did.

“I was told somebody wasn’t in their dorm at room checks, I had already searched the whole school and was about to head out to keep looking. I supposed Im lucky to have you run into me instead.” She was clearly not happy with you. “Why don’t you follow me into my office?”

“Um actually! Maybe if we could have our conversation first thing tomorrow? See I’m really really tired and I want to go-“ as you turned to leave Larissa grabbed a hold of your arm, making you wince and then struggle to cover it up. Larissa quickly retreated her hand before sighing, “I know for a fact that hiss was not a result of my hold.”

“N-nope! I just fell on the way here because I was so worried about getting back in time! Can I go now?” She didn’t have to say anything to convey a clear “No.” your way. “You fell and somehow managed to only injure your forearm?” Yeah she was about done with your bullshit. “My office, now.”

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

“Take the blazer off and let me see.” Was the first thing she said once you were both inside. “I don’t think it’s necessary- really principal Weems I’m fine!”

“It is my job to care for you students and make sure you are safe. Your parents trust me to ensure you are in one piece when they visit, something you, as one of the older ones should know. Clearly that is not the case, so show me. Now.”

Reluctantly, you pulled it off. You really didn’t have another choice but you missed the look of concern of look from the principal once you did, busing yourself with neatly folding said item on your lap, trying to avoid her and the scolding you expected to receive.

She moved to take a closer look. “I know it’s taboo to talk about but-“ with a sigh she stood to full height. “I know. Sit on the couch, we can talk about, it, after I make sure that scratch is disinfected.”

“Stay right here, I’m serious, trying to runaway will get you in even more trouble than already awaits you. Don’t even blink.” Larissa said as she walked off to the bathroom getting a first aid kit.

“Did you blink?” Was the first thing she asked when she got back. “Maybe..?” You answered with your own question, completely confused. She chuckled and pulled the chair to sit in front of you. Asking for your hand, you gave it to her still hung up on this random change of attitude.

“When I was a student I had a teacher that would say ‘when the exam starts I don’t want anyone talking, no noise can be heard, don’t even breathe!’ Then she’d wait a few seconds and ask ‘why are you guys breathing’ acting completely confused, it wasn’t the funniest thing ever, obviously, but it would always get a giggle out of us.” It was nice to get to hear about her past. Made you remember that there was a time when she was one of you, it honestly made you ease up, feeling slightly less anxious now.

You giggled but sat there confused, you wondered why she was telling you this, not that you minded, it was nice to see a different side from the strict principal. “I asked her once, why she always did that. She said it would serve as a type of icebreaker, so we would be less anxious during the test.”

“Not once did you notice I was cleaning your wound that whole time.” Wait what? “With alcohol wipes and everything” you furrowed your brows at her, making her chuckle.

After making sure your scratches were clean she took her time wrapping them up. “You will change these twice a day, more if needed, and come to me if you need any help.”

“I didn’t know you were the academy nurse too, principal Weems.” she was quite good at this, though you’d guess you at least need a first aid certification to be a teacher or principal.

“Apparently I’m quite multitalented” she mused, making you smile. “I want to see these as they heal, so come by at least twice a week.” There it was, her assertive and demanding tone once again.

“Please understand, whatever is out there is causing a great deal of issues for this academy. I will go to my grave swearing it has nothing to do with us and I assure you of that as well, but convincing Jericho press isn’t as easy as just swearing or making a promise. This is why you’re not going to the nurse. I’d like to know you understand why I’m doing this.”

“Of course, I understand principal Weems. I’ll be on my way then.” Just as you were about to leave she spoke again. “We will find out who or what is responsible for this, I promise. And I do always keep my promises.”

[evita-shelby]

National Anthem

Chapter 12

Cw: miscarriage, prophetic nightmares, death, mention of kinks, some sex, angst

To those who playes 2 truths 1 lie, so sorry lol

Taglist: @thegreatdragonfruta @zablife

Jack’s smoked through tomorrow’s cigarettes trying to make sense of it. Rosie dreamt of doctors performing a lobotomy that apparently killed her, Junior dreamt he’d be shot in the head as he rode in a parade.

Laurie used to have nightmares of dying in mud and rain until he died in a trench in France in 1914. His sister Katie had dreams of coughing and choking on her own blood. Their mother once said their father had cursed blood, and that was why he got killed when he was a boy.

The gangster remembered all those times his enemies cursed his name and now wonders if curses can be passed on to children. He should talk to his wife about this, she knew more about this bullshit anyways.

“Tell me what?” speak of the devil. Wearing her velvet robe and braving the cold just to see what’s bothering him. They should be in bed, his witch trying to keep warm cuddling with him and thinking about the bungalow in Florida and that hammock in the backyard.

“Junior dreamt he died.” He could lie, he’s done it before, but he’d also like to sleep in his own bed instead of the couch tonight. Besides Eva would kill him for not telling her about this new development.

“Well, he did get pretty sick, there were times I thought he wouldn’t survive it.” She admits joining him on the freezing porch. He’s banned from smoking indoors because his witch couldn’t stand the smell when she was pregnant and now the habit stuck.

“Not that, he says he saw himself as an adult waving at a crowd and being shot in the head.” Jack takes one last drag of his cigarette before handing it to his wife. Eva only smokes when shit’s too dire to take on without one or in the wonderful occasions where she came from uninterrupted sex. Too bad it’s the former.

“When I see death happen, it usually doesn’t. You didn’t die that day in your office, the neighbor’s kid didn’t get hit by a car and I have yet to die.” This was more of a reminder than an actual explanation for this. Apparently, she can only predict a real death if it’s coming for people she doesn’t like or knows well.

“You can teach him and Joey how to shoot when they’re old enough if it eases your mind.” But it isn’t a real guarantee that this applied to the kids. She admitted she was scared about losing him that day, held him tightly that night and those after as if he might die.

Fucking hell, he never thought he’d have to deal with this shit when he decided Eva was gonna be his wife that day.

“Do you regret it?” she asks fearing he might. Evie’s mind reading has become so normal to him he’s no longer surprised his witch catches on to his thoughts like that. Makes it easier to unburden himself with her, doesn’t even have to voice it half the time.

“I never have and never will, sweetheart.” Jack is a man with few regrets, he never does anything unless he wants to and when he doesn’t, he sticks with it to the bitter end. Choosing her would never be one of them.

By May Junior’s nightmares are almost forgotten. Everything goes so well it is scaring her.

They have a house in New York now, a lovely mansion too big for them with servants catering to their every whim and armed men loyal to them. Jack’s success had merited such a move and after Junior’s nightmare, he was loath to leave them behind now.

Luca Changretta was gearing for a war overseas while Jack laid out the framework for their takeover from right under his nose. Even his Family were considering killing him to prevent the White Hand from taking their place.

They were making strides in society, all the must have invites, rubbing elbows with the right people and teaching people not to fuck with them. They’ve just returned from Calvin Coolidge’s inauguration after rubbing it in their competitor’s face.

John D. Hertz had been the unlikely bastard to learn that last year. He wanted protection from the Checker Taxis and his other enemies and would’ve gotten it if his words about her hadn’t pissed off Jack. Something that had caused an attack on the company stocks with the help of their connections.

Now it was the turn of the men who owned the rights to a western movie Eva foresaw making it big.

It had started with a movie house that refused to let Eva into their establishment on their first few dates as man and wife, then the entire chain out of spite and now Jack was aiming for Hollywood after securing New England and most of the East Coast.

She hasn’t rewarded him for this achievement yet, and because nothing else has managed to get her to shake off the unsettling images, Eva decides to wake him early on his day off. He won’t mind, loves it when she makes use of his morning wood for their mutual pleasure.

Would erase the nightmare from her mind along with her refusal to have another baby so soon after Kitty. He loves breeding her, loves seeing her fat and needy and loves its when her tits are full of milk.

He's a dirty bastard, anything and everything will find its way into the blessed times they can have fantastic uninterrupted sex. The new house lets them do that more often. Sometimes they’ll lock themselves in that room far away from the family wing made just for their sexual escapades and go at it like unhinged demons.

“Nightmares again?” As expected, Jack is very amenable to a good fuck before breakfast. Their three older children were at school and Kitty was sleeping like an angel, gave her the perfect opportunity to forget what haunted her dreams.

“I want to forget them.” She admits it in between kisses knowing he won’t say no. “Help me forget them, Jack.”

“As you wish, sweetheart.”

It is to no one’s surprise that Eva finds herself pregnant by Father’s Day. She is not happy about it, there is a terribly bad feeling about this pregnancy. Eva blames it on her vanity and loss of figure, not wanting to burden him with what she saw in her reading that day.

She won’t tell him the cards say they won’t be born.

Not all pregnancies agree with her.

Though not as bad as Rosie’s, this one is one of the bad ones. The doctor hasn’t put her on bedrest ---even if he did, she’d ignore it--- but you could tell something wasn’t right by the way she carried herself.

There’s something she’s not telling him, something his witch believes he can’t tell from looking at her. Been married for six years on the dot, Jack wagers he knows her better than anyone now.

“What’s wrong, Evie?” he asks, cornering her in her powder room as she got ready for their anniversary dinner tonight.

“Fucking department store didn’t have my color again.” She grumbles after applying lipstick a shade brighter than she likes. Evie likes to make herself up like a vamp, with dark burgundy lips and darker eyes to sell the whole mystical beauty look she has.

“Eva.” He warns against her lying and gets to the point. “I know there’s something you’re not telling me. Something about the girls we’re having.”

“Nothing’s wrong, just pregnancy fucking me up. Now hurry up, we’ll be late for the reservations.” Half true.

She’s weepy and tired all the time. Her sex drive going from wanting to kick him off the bed if he breathes in her direction to seeking him out in his office as if he hadn’t fucked her before he left. Still got five months to go, a lot could happen between here and January.

The nursery is half decorated, she’d put off ordering a crib for the twins and acted as if she were tempting fate this time around.

“I tell you everything, Eva, why won’t you do the same?” he asks her as they head downstairs, she turns to give him a look for guilt tripping her about it and in the next second she missteps and falls the rest of the way down.

Jack’s too beside himself to leave her side. The fall hadn’t been too severe, no bones were broken, no lasting head injury nor internal bleeding. The babies hadn’t made it as she fell on her stomach enough times to kill the poor things.

She hadn’t been told yet, the doctors had suggested he be the one to break the news to her after seeing Eva’s medical history. Jack has no idea how he’s going to confirm that her heavy bleeding is because they lost their unborn daughters.

Two tiny little things that barely looked human inside the doctor’s receptacle. Rosie had dolls that small, he thinks as he looks away from the babies they hadn’t even considered names for yet.

“I didn’t see them in the cards, they were never going to be born.” His wife finally tells him what she was hiding for four months. Just because the cards said nine babies didn’t mean all of them would live, she explains, and he listened to what she had resigned herself to as they mourn their dead babies.

His triumph over the Black Hand on January 1926 finds him smoking in the veranda after Eva tells him she wants to try again because the cards say they’ll have a baby boy next year.

[weepingfromacedartree]

totally random reminder that most people who create dedicated "hate" accounts do so with the sole purpose of farming outrage and sowing seeds of discontent within fandoms. instead of feeding into that bullshit, I recommend using tumblr's block function liberally and engaging with blogs who actually want to bring joy to other fans.

speaking of bullshit... here's another excerpt from my WIP for anyone interested

tw: fife 🤮

Chapter 2: Meeting Each Other’s Friends

His grin falters. Slightly. 

“What does it say?” Penelope asks tentatively. Although she argued that this whole idea was stupid from the start, a little part of her is disappointed that it could be over so soon. If nothing else, arguing with Colin is usually her favourite part of these stupid little games. “Something we never managed to cover in our twenty years of friendship?” 

“Nope,” he says, eyes still locked on the screen before him. “It’s something we’ve done many times before. With varying degrees of success.” 

“What?” she asks when he does not immediately offer up any more information. 

He clears his throat before reading. 

“Number Two: Meeting Each Other’s Friends. Before you and your significant other get married, it is imperative that you get to know each other's friends. Friendships are an essential aspect of any person’s life. Knowing what sorts of people your significant other is close with is an important step in starting your life together."

“Well… I believe you’ve met my friend Eloise before, so —”

“I have met plenty of your friends, all of whom have been kind and lovely. Just like anyone would expect from a kind and lovely person such as yourself. Clearly Eloise — and perhaps also myself — is an outlier.” 

“Hey, that’s not —”

“I believe ‘meeting each other’s friends’ has only ever been an issue when my ‘friends’ were involved.”

Penelope bites her lip. 

“It was really just that one time.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Twelve Years Earlier: August 27th, 2011

Relationship Status: Friends

꙳

“Remind me why we’re doing this again.” 

“To act like irresponsible teenagers whose sole purpose in life is to get plastered and party.” 

“That doesn’t sound like us.”

“Exactly. That’s why I said ‘act like.’”

Penelope has always been a good bullshitter. Since she was a child, she’s had an innate talent of bending the truth on a dime. It comes naturally to her; bullshit falls from her lips before she even has a chance to think it through. She never does it for fun (she isn’t a pathological liar), that filter is just built inside of her. There are certain truths that she simply can never say aloud, so her mind grew adept at talking around them. 

The truth: Colin had invited her to this party, and if there is one talent that Penelope does not possess, it is saying no to Colin Bridgerton. 

Another talent Penelope does not possess is walking into any type of social event by herself. Even at family gatherings — Featherington or Bridgerton — Penelope always found herself clinging on to someone else. Usually Eloise. Sometimes Colin. Sometimes Prudence or Philipa, if she was really desperate. 

Despite his invitation, Penelope knows she will not see much of Colin tonight. That this party will be filled with a ton of his Eton friends. That she will not be able to cling onto him all night — and that she absolutely shouldn’t.

That is how Eloise Bridgerton found herself being dragged towards her worst nightmare: a house party filled to the literal rooftop with  loud, obnoxious teenagers. 

“This isn’t Skins, Pen. This is gonna suck.” 

“It’ll be fun.” Bullshit.  

“So fun!” Eloise mocks. “Why not continue the fun tomorrow and go shopping with your mother. I heard Primark has a sale on yellow dresses.”

When Penelope forces out a laugh, Eloise pulls her in even closer. 

“Seriously, Pen. You owe me for —”

“Let’s see how the other side lives for a little while. If it is truly tortuous, we can leave and go get some chips. You know… how we usually spend our Saturday nights.”

The offer does not smooth over any of the sourness present on Eloise’s face. 

“You say that like there is something wrong with chips. There is absolutely nothing wrong with chips. Chips have never belched in my face or spilled a pint down the front of my shirt.” 

At this point, Penelope genuinely does not know whether to protest, laugh, or agree with her friend. After a moment, she decides on the first option.

“What are you talking about? You’ve never even been to a party like this.” 

Eloise gulps. Her eyes flash wide, like she’s just been caught in a lie. 

“Well… no. But I’ve seen Skins and —”

“Oh, for God’s sake El.” 

Penelope extricates Eloise’s phone from where it sat gripped between her best friend's fingers. After typing in the four-digit passcode, she clicks on the little clock icon.

10:09 PM.

“What are you —”

“I’m setting a timer for 20 minutes. If you’re not having fun when the alarm goes off, we’ll leave and get chips.” 

“Fine,” Eloise grumbles, grabbing her phone back from Penelope. “You got a deal, Featherington.” 

At 10:10 PM, Eloise and Penelope step foot into their first house party. 

꙳ ꙳ ꙳

Fife’s house smells like piss. That’s the only thing on Colin’s mind as he continues conversing with his “friends.” They’re talking about the girls they’re dying to chase after at uni this fall, meanwhile, Colin’s thinking about how rancid this room smells. Between the stench, topic of conversation, and the idiots leading said discussion — it’s truly a miracle that he’s able to keep his ever-charming smile plastered on his face. 

“Excited for the birds up at Cambridge, Bridgerton?” Fife asks, his usual shit-eating grin plastered on his own face. 

“Hmm? Oh — yeah. Sure.”

“No longer interested in the ladies, Col?” his “friend” Dave chimes in. 

“For all his money and looks, he never had much luck with them in the first place, did he?” taunts his “friend” Zach. 

“Are you calling me pretty?” Colin shoots back, his usual smile starting to ache at the corners of his lips. “Flattered, truly.” 

Thankfully, the conversation quickly gets redirected to one of Fife’s reliably embellished stories about a girl he picked up at a pub last week. The commentary is just mind-numbing enough for Colin to mentally check out of it completely, his smile finally dropping as he glances around the party. 

It’s 10:11. The party just started, but the den is already packed with people. He recognizes most of their faces from Eton or just from his entire life living in Mayfair. None of them he has any particular interest in saying hi to. There’s really only one person he wishes to say hi to, and although she’s usually rather easy to spot, he doesn’t see her anywhere. 

Accepting defeat, Colin turns his gaze back to the men standing around him. Fife’s moved onto another story. Some bullshit about spending 20 minutes in a broom closet with some girl from Windsor.

Once again, Colin’s mind is adrift. 

Fife’s father is a member of Parliament. Why does his den smell like piss? 

꙳ ꙳ ꙳

Penelope checks her phone. 

10:29

Somewhere in this massive estate, her best friend’s phone is blaring an alarm, asking her if she’s having fun or not. Penelope has no idea what the answer is, because within 20 minutes of stepping foot into the party, she managed to lose Eloise. She also failed to find Colin during that time, but that matter is not as pressing at the moment. 

She steps out to Fife’s back garden, hoping to have better luck finding Eloise in the fresh air than in the crowded interior that, frankly, smells like someone pissed on the walls before the party started. Unfortunately, the garden isn’t any less cramped. 

Penelope pays special attention to where her feet step in the crowd, careful not to be crushed by the other teens dancing, making out, and throwing back shots around her. This sort of manoeuvring isn't anything she's not already used to — when you’re as short as she is, you need to learn how to get out of other people’s way. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is when you’re the one who always ends up crushed. 

Just when she is about to give up and look for Eloise inside again, Penelope makes an unusual misstep. She accidentally slams chest-first into someone’s backside. Someone tall. 

“Oh, hello,” he says, turning around. “That’s certainly one way to get a man’s attention.”

“Sorry, I —” 

It’s Fife, she belatedly realises. She’s never spoken to him before. She’s seen him from afar a few times, but nowhere near this close. Despite them being friends since grade school, Colin never brought Fife — or any of his other school friends — around his house. Penelope always found that odd; she’s a friend of the Bridgertons and spends more time at their home than her own. 

“I —” she says again. She tries to think of something logical to say. She also tries to step away from him so her breasts are not literally squished against his abdomen. But unfortunately, the crowd behind her does not grant her enough space to do so. 

Thankfully, someone else speaks before she can stutter out another mindless syllable. 

“Hey! Back off Fife.” 

It’s Colin. She knows it before she even has the chance to look up. Somehow, she knew it before he said a single word. 

He positions his body between her and Fife, creating space that wasn’t there just a second ago. 

“Woah, mate! She bumped into —” Fife starts. 

“It was my fau—” Penelope starts. 

“Yeah, yeah. I think I’ve heard that one before. Never your fault, is it Fife?” Colin interrupts. His tone confuses Penelope. She can’t tell if he’s teasing Fife, or legitimately wants to punch him in the face. 

“Colin, really, it was my —” she starts again. This time, someone new cuts her off. Another guy, standing close behind Colin. 

“Do you know this chick, Bridgerton? Or do you simply enjoy saving random girls from becoming Fife’s next vi—”

“This is Penelope, my friend,” Colin cuts in, that confusing tone not letting up. Suddenly, he slings an arm around her shoulder, his hand gripping her skin. She suddenly questions whether or not this tank top was a good choice for the evening. “Pen, this is —” He starts pointing to each of the men now forming a circle around them. “Dave. Fife. Josh. Michael. Zach.” 

As Colin makes the rather curt introductions, each of the five men nod, smirk, and/or unblinkingly stare at Penelope’s chest in response. She feels a nervous blush creep up her cheeks as she says: “Lovely to meet you al—”

“No need for flattery, Pen,” Colin cuts in again. “Even these lot are self-aware enough to know they’re shit.” 

Michael snorts. Penelope gasps. Fife starts making a joke. Colin’s hand moves from Penelope’s right shoulder to her left elbow. He pulls her away before Fife can reach the punchline. 

“Sorry about them,” he tells her once his friends are out of ear-shot. “They’re —” He groans. He drops his hand from her skin and briskly runs it through his hair. “They’re fucking arseholes.” 

“They weren’t that ba—” 

“When did you get here by the way?” he interrupts, his usual light-hearted tone making a reappearance quickly. Almost alarmingly so. “I was looking for you.”

“You — you were?” The words slip out before she has the chance to stop them. 

Logically, such a statement shouldn’t be so surprising. They’ve been friends forever. He literally invited her to this party. But still… A part of Penelope cannot help but be surprised that Colin Bridgerton would specifically seek her out in such a crowded group of people. 

“Of course,” he says nonchalantly. Then, he raises his eyebrows, reminding her that he had asked a question. 

“Oh! Uh —” She looks down at her phone. 

10:36

Shit.

“About a half hour.” She lets out a quick, nervous laugh. “Have you seen El? I lost her rather quickly, it seems. And I kinda promised her we would be gone by now if she wasn’t having any fun.” 

Colin scowls, then turns his gaze from Penelope to the rest of the party. She wonders what it would be like to have an entire extra foot of height when Colin announces that he’s spotted her in under 30 seconds. He chuckles. 

“Well, I don’t think you need to leave quite yet.” 

She follows his gaze and finally spots Eloise. 

Colin was right — she looks absolutely giddy. On the other side of the garden, she and Theo — a boy Eloise met through an internship at Danbury’s publishing house last summer and has had a massive crush on ever since — are sitting together on a park bench. Closely. Then, even closer. Then —

“Yeah, I don’t need to see that,” Colin grumbles from beside Penelope. His hand finds her elbow once more. “Let’s go.” 

꙳ ꙳ ꙳

“Are you sure this is… safe?” 

“Live a little, Featherington.” 

After climbing through the window himself, Colin extends his hand for Penelope to take. Begrudgingly, she takes it.

They sit on the north side of the roof, facing the street. The party and its noise linger in the background behind them. After flicking the cap off into the night sky using his car keys, Colin hands her one of the beers he had stashed under his arm on the way up here. It tastes like liquified grass, but Penelope tries not to grimace when she takes a swig. Thankfully, Colin is looking up at the stars; he doesn’t see her nose crinkle as the beer slides down her throat. 

“Beautiful night,” he muses, eyes turning back to her. 

She looks up, towards the moon. It’s barely a sliver in the sky. 

“Yeah. It really is.”

It’s quiet for a moment, save for the music and shrieking teenagers distant behind them. Penelope likes the quiet — she always has. Her entire life, it had been a cover. A cushion. A comfort. With Colin, it’s always a comfort. When she’s with him, she never feels the need to fill the air with noise for no other reason than to fill the quiet.

Colin is usually more willing to fill it. 

“Sorry, again, about Fife and those other dickheads.” 

“Colin, I told you. It’s —”

“‘It’s fine. They’re not that bad,’” he dramatically mimics. “Yeah I know… But speaking from the perspective of someone who actually knows them, they are shit and should be regarded as such.” 

Penelope could continue brushing all of that shit to the side, but she doesn’t. Even if bumping into Fife was her fault, she didn’t like the way he looked down at her in the moment after. She didn’t like how he didn’t step away until Colin forced him to, when he surely could have done so on his own. And she didn’t like the way all five of them looked at her when Colin officially introduced her — like her tits were more interesting than anything he could have been saying about her. 

Instead of brushing it off, she simply asks: “If they’re such shit, why are you friends with them?” Her own tone confuses her. 

Colin grimaces, then takes a swig of his beer. 

“Good question.”

He goes quiet again. When Penelope presumes that he is finished speaking, she opens her mouth again. 

“I —”

“Maybe I’ve outgrown them.” Swig. “Or maybe it’s just that I’m shit too.”

Penelope laughs lightly, praying that tiny breath of air will help lighten Colin’s mood. 

“The former, I think.” 

“I think you give me too much credit.” 

Penelope doesn’t respond to that. She doesn’t know how. Her entire life, Colin has been like a light shining into her darkness — how could claiming he's "not shit" be giving him too much credit?

Penelope doesn’t know how to respond to that. So instead, she asks: “Are they also attending Cambridge?” 

“Not all of ‘em.” Swig. “Michael’s off to Edinburgh next week. Dave and Zach are both staying here for Imperial.” Swig. “Josh will be up at Cambridge with me, but he’s not so bad, I guess. At least when he isn’t actively under Fife’s thumb.”

“And Fife?” she questions. “Where is he going?”

Colin groans. He looks like he’s about to raise the bottle to his lips again, but doesn’t. 

“Fife was admitted to Cambridge, but deferring a year to ‘go find himself.’ Hopefully, he finds himself at King’s College when he’s finished.”

“What’s Fife’s real name, by the way?” Penelope asks, unsure of what else to say. “Why does everyone just call him by his surname?” 

For the first time all night, Colin laughs. 

“Oh — uh. Cornelius. Cornelius Fife.” 

Penelope snorts despite herself. 

“Oh God, that’s bad. Perhaps even worse than ‘Penelope Featherington.’”

“What’s wrong with ‘Penelope Featherington?’” Colin asks, earnestly. 

“Uhhh,” she stalls, hoping the night sky will hide the blush currently warming her cheeks. “A bit of a mouthful I guess. At least ‘Corn-eel-ee-us-Fife,” she punctuates each beat with one of her fingers, “is only five syllables.”

“I don’t know. I happen to quite like ‘Penelope Featherington.’”

She doesn’t know how to respond to that, either. 

She should be used to this by now — existing in such close proximity to charming Colin Bridgerton. She should know that his flirtatious words are just that — words. That just because his words tug at her heart does not mean there was any intention on his end to do so. That there is no real intention behind them (at least not when they’re directed at her). 

She should be used to this by now, but she’s not. Even now, her cheeks burn red as he unknowingly squeezes her heart. 

“You ready to leave London?” Colin asks, his voice breaking Penelope from her thoughts. 

Next week, she and Eloise are set to leave for Cheltenham to begin their Sixth Forms (along with Daphne, who will be finishing hers). Literally, she isn’t ready; she’s been procrastinating packing for weeks and will likely not do so until the night before she leaves. But in her heart, she’s been ready to leave home for the past two years, ever since Colin left for Eton. 

“Oh — yeah.” She takes another sip of her beer. It still tastes like grass. “I think so.”

“It’s nice that you and El will have each other there.” He chuckles quietly, eyes turning from the night sky back to Penelope. “With your good influence, maybe she’ll make it through an entire semester without being sent home.”

Penelope chuckles too, louder than Colin had a moment ago.

“Eloise will be fine, with or without me. She’s all talk.”

“Yeah. The ‘talk’ is exactly what I’m worried about. Also fist fighting, but at least she doesn’t have the balls to do that in the middle of class.” 

As much as she wants to defend her best friend further, Penelope holds her tongue. He has a point. Eloise seemed to make a hobby out of backtalking their maths teacher last term. 

“Really though,” he continues. “Leaving home is amazing, but it also kinda sucks. Having your best friend there with you… It’ll be good.” 

“Why does it suck?” Penelope asks. Little alarm bells ring off in the back of her mind. When Colin had first left for Eton, he had nothing but positive things to say about leaving home. 

He keeps quiet for a moment, seeming to search for the answer in the stars above them. 

“It’s different for everyone — it might not suck for you at all. But for me…” Swig. “Maybe it’s just because I was so used to living with seven siblings and an overprotective mum. But going from that to Eton so suddenly…” Swig. “Felt a bit isolating at first.”

The alarm bells continue to ring within Penelope. A bit louder now.

“Colin, I —” 

“It gets better, obviously. You adjust. It took me a while to be comfortable living without the people I lived with all my life, but eventually I did.” Swig. “Your friends really do help with that. Hopefully you can learn from me though, and cut them off when you eventually realise they’re all bloody arseholes.”

She waits until she thinks he’s finished to open her mouth again. But just as she does, he continues.

“Sorry, by the way.” His eyes truly look sorrowful when he finally meets her gaze again. “I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. I just thought, maybe it would have been good if someone had told me that before I left for Eton. Prepared me a bit.”

“You didn’t scare me,” she insists. “And I appreciate your candour, really.”

Colin opens his mouth again, looking like he’s about to say something else. She knows she should let him talk — allow him to alter the course of the conversation, if that’s what he wants. But Penelope also can’t ignore those goddamn alarm bells still ringing in her ears.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? Even if — hypothetically — it could scare me. I’m always here to listen. For anything.” 

For the briefest moment, something new passes on Colin’s face. Something in his eye looks different than anything she had seen there before. It almost looked desperate. But then it’s gone, his head turned away from her once more. Then, for the second time that night, Colin wraps his arm around Penelope’s shoulder. His hand dangles lazily off her shoulder. 

“Yeah. I know, Pen.” 

Penelope should be used to this by now. Colin is her friend. His touch is innocent, always. It doesn’t matter if her breath quickens when she feels his side settle against hers. It doesn’t matter if her skin feels hot beneath his fingertips. None of this matters to Colin — at least not in the way that it matters to her. 

She lasts about 25 seconds before squirming out of his hold. She scoots back a few inches and turns so her entire front faces him. “What’s the distance between Cheltenham and Cambridge again?” she asks, as if the exact mileage has not been burned into her brain for months. 

Colin grimaces. “200 kilometres. Give or take.” 

Penelope nods. Mayfair and Eton were only 35 kilometres apart. There were countless times over the last two years that, to Penelope, it felt as though Eton may as well have been located on the moon. 

“Chin up, Pen,” he says, face already starting to light up again. “It’s not the nineteenth century. We can always Skype.” 

“I know…” She raises her bottle, letting the glass rim rest against her lips. She can’t bring herself to take another sip, though. “Even then, I’ll still miss you.” 

“Well, obviously,” he says through a smirk. Penelope scoffs, hiding her own smile behind her hand. Charm and arrogance do tend to come hand and hand. 

“Col—”

“I’ll miss you, too. Obviously. But that’s no reason to prevent ourselves from reaching our full potentials. We owe it to the world, Pen. We can’t possibly be that selfish.” 

In the time that it takes Penelope to think of a single sensical response to his words, Colin goes to take another swig, comes up empty, then peers one eye into the bottle to confirm its lack. 

“I sup—”

“To Cheltenham,” Colin says, raising his bottle towards her. 

She smiles. Resisting the urge to remind him that toasting with an empty glass is bad luck, she clinks the butt of her bottle against his. Hers is still half-full. 

“To Cambridge.” 

The quiet returns. It sits between them for a while. Penelope likes it. She likes it all.

[dragonbleps]

Talked to the surgeon, and she said it's a tentative 7:30am for dad's gallbladder removal surgery tomorrow. Depends on if the CT scan shows an all clear and he doesn't start feeling worse.

She said most people with pancreatitis start to feel better after a few days with care (assuming no gall stones still causing issues), so she's a bit worried that he's still in so much pain. He had to remind her that he's been in the hospital almost a week, but the pain started 3-4 days before he was admitted, bc he thought it was just food poisoning.

He does seem better though. Only a little, but still. He doesn't feel much better bc it's still too painful for minor changes to be relief I think.

He says the nurses aren't keeping true to their word with the pain medication though, and feels like he has to stay awake bc if they think he's asleep at medicine time they don't wake him, so they just pass him by without giving medication. So he's been keeping himself awake and he's so tired.

He said he has a lot more sympathy for my mom (she has severe chronic back pain) because "You tell people constantly you're in pain and they just act like they don't believe you. It's bullshit." It sucks. It sucks bc and even if we talk to the nurses and such (and we have), all we can do is hope they're doing the best they can.

It also sucked to hear the disappointment in his voice when the surgeon said that removing the gall bladder won't do anything to get rid of the pain he's in. I already knew that, but the gall bladder has already done what it's gonna do, it's the consequences of the stone getting stuck/passed that he's dealing with, so removing the gall bladder is just to prevent it from happening again. But he was hoping it would give him some relief :(

They wanna try to do the surgery laparoscopically, but my dad has a very big belly, and he's a little extra swollen from the IV fluids, so it depends on how well the surgeon can see which will determine how they go about it.

I'm not really a praying sort, but if you are, any sort of positive thoughts for my dad tomorrow is appreciated, to hope the surgery goes well.

[thessalian]

This is a day in which I hate everything.

I was left with almost every single shitty bit of typing on record. Two eleven-minute monstrosities, a dozen or more five-odd minute monstrosities, plus all the ones that nobody else actually likes doing (because the request we made that someone talk to two of The Annoyances so that they'd maybe stop being less annoying went absolutely fucking nowhere). The slightly good news is that we did get all of yesterday's stuff done and at least a little ways into today's typing ... not helped by New Girl, who not only held off on picking up new stuff out of the queue until the scary long stuff was gone and started haphazardly doing individual cases still in the general queue a half-hour before the end of her working day, but also sat on a long-ass prostate report by one of The Annoyances until we'd gone well past its spot in the chronological order, at which point she dropped it back into the main queue so that someone else would do the fucking thing, but never mind. The real issue is that, because there are so many doctors reporting and so relatively few typists typing (and some of them being deliberately slow with shit they shouldn't be slow with, since they're taking so much care to only take easy dictation), the queue is up to nearly 270 cases.

This, as you can probably imagine, has left me in a state of just ... everything can just fuck off. I note that I am being a lot less generous in my dealings with things. Which I'm not going into because vagueposting is bullshit and generally hurtful. But it just means that I am soooooooo far past done and I have no real way of getting back into a state of absolute piss-off.

The stress isn't helping my whole fibro thing, either. It seems that the whole ... well ... *gestures to everything* has put me in such a state of frustration, rage, stress, and underlying misery that it's kicked off a pain flare and a migraine. And I know damn well that tomorrow is going to be worse. By, like, orders of magnitude worse. 270 cases in the queue and I know damn well that at least a few of the doctors are going to keep working until at least 6pm, possibly later, so the queue is going to be worse tomorrow morning. The fact that they start at 8am at the latest when very few of the secretaries start that early doesn't help either. And it being Friday doesn't help because they work weekends. And the "We need to hire someone new" item on our staff meeting agenda kind of vanished into the aether at some point, or possibly it was "We dealt with that by hiring New Girl as a permanent member of staff". That isn't a solution, though, because a) we needed more staff when she was temping and getting her paycheque from our organisation instead of a temp agency does not change that, and b) it's NEW GIRL, and she's a lazy mare on a number of levels and I do not understand why they hired her.

The one tiny shining point in my day ... well, it was sort of a mixed blessing. See, one of The Annoyances is ... a pretty big annoyance on a number of levels. He's a) a junior doctor so not entirely comfortable with the big things he's reporting on, b) not from this country so his accent is heavy and his English sentence structure is ... lacking, and c) somewhat inept at technology so he often ends up in a situation where his headset isn't linking up via Bluetooth to the computer he's using, so his voice always sounds far away and garbled because the in-built mic on the monitor halfway across the room is the only one picking up his dictation. No one likes to do his. I am no exception. The difference is, I can do his, and fairly well. I've dealt with most of those issues for a large percentage of my professional life. I don't like doing it - it's frustrating, it's time-consuming, and it's generally speaking a pain in the arse - but I am pretty good at turning word salad into a legible report or letter.

Now, this particular Annoyance ended the dictation by asking whoever typed it to email him when the report was done. Another few minutes out of my day, but fuck it; fine. So I emailed him. First I got an email saying, "Thanks for that". I figured that was the end of it, but nope! Then I got an email saying, "Oh, wow; I was going to log in to make changes but you wrote what I was trying to say so I don't have to! Thanks!"

I was a little bewildered for a moment ... and then I remembered that the rest of my colleagues (Goblin in particular takes great pride in this) tend to type exactly what is said. No editing as they go, no matter how badly a report needs it. Now, I'm used to being a PA, and to transcribing letters rather than just reports; in a lot of my jobs, I'd have been sacked if I'd ever typed out a letter or report exactly as written. Editing as I go is second nature, because so many doctors need it. Even the ones who have English as a first language are sometimes really bad with sentence structure, never mind those with English as a second or even third or fourth language. So I can't imagine doing anything else. But apparently the other girls are so set on typing only what is said, exactly how it's said, that he has had to ask us to email him when one of his reports are typed so that he can edit the thing. With me, he doesn't have to.

And see, that's why the warm fuzzies are being badly marred by an "uh-oh" feeling. What happens if he decides that I should be the only one that types his stuff? I mean, I do a fair bit of his anyway, but if the response to the few times when someone else types his is, "Lemme go back and edit the whole thing", and the response to me typing it is, "It's cool, I can leave it alone and save some time"... I've had it happen before, where a particular pain in the arse has basically demanded that I be the only one to type their reports and letters. Really don't want to give the girls another excuse to leave me with The Annoyances. Because you know they wouldn't take more of The Annoyances that aren't this guy to compensate.

Okay. I feel a little less like I'm going to murder someone for breathing too loud in my presence (which is good because the kids living in the block of flats are playing on the hill-lawn and there's the kid-shriek noise and it is not helping my head even the tiniest bit). Still miserable as hell, mind you. Somewhat uninspired as to what to do about it, though. Ugh.

[awaitingfall]

07.14.24

Wasn’t planning on posting today, but I’m starting to feel a little anxious so maybe writing it out will help.

I feel like something’s been going on with my heart. It beats so fast and so hard at random times throughout the day. Well it might not be random because I feel like it happens after I eat certain foods like carbs, and then maybe after a long day of not being too active it starts to beat like that in the evening. Or also when I’m having bad stomach cramping, which happened this morning again. But also just walking up a flight of stairs. I live on the 3rd floor of my apartment building and I walk up and down them everyday, you’d think my body would get used to it by now? But I literally have to stop before the last flight and just chill for a few seconds before I finish. And it’s not like I’m incredibly out of shape or anything.

I’ve only noticed it get this bad in the past few months, but I’ve definitely had a faster heart rate almost all my adult life. I don’t really remember the POUNDING heart ever being an issue other than after I’ve done something super active. Part of me feels like it could be from my neighbor’s cigarette smoke getting into our apartment and breathing that in whenever we’re home. Most times when we come home it REAKS of cigarettes. All I want is to have my own space away from other people’s bullshit but I don’t have enough money for a down payment on a house 😭 Anyways, I really don’t know what else it could be from. Maybe my meds are starting to affect me, but I’ve been on the same ones for years now, nothing’s changed. Although, now that I think of it, I used to take my anxiety meds at night before bed until I realized that I would get a pounding heart when I was just laying in bed trying to fall asleep. So I looked it up and that is one of the side effects of the med…shit, maybe that has a lot to do with it since switching to taking it in the morning. Damn I would’ve never thought about that if I didn’t right all this out, SEE writing out my problems DOES help sometimes! 🥲 Regardless, I could probably work on my cardio to help strengthen my heart, but I feel like that’s not fully addressing the issue. I see my doctor at the end of the month and I’m going to ask her to refer me to a cardiologist so they can run tests. I’m only worried because my grandfather died from heart related issues, although he didn’t have those problems until he was older. I just want to be careful and take care of myself as best as possible, especially while I’m still young.

I’m sure my anxiety doesn’t help with the rapid heart rate. I’m sure it just makes it worse once I start worrying about it.

I really want to be off of all of my meds. I feel like starting birth control is the reason I began having thyroid issues and made my anxiety worse. But I’ve been on birth control for 10 years now and I’m scared of how my body is going to react to stopping it 😰 If anyone has had any experience with stopping birth control can you comment or send me a message about how that went (would be even better if it was the Kariva brand). I feel like I hear so much negative stuff and I’m worried if I stop it it’s going to uproot my entire life. I did have fairly painful periods before BC and my job is very active, I feel like I’d have to ask off at least 3 days/month just to rest, but I’m also the fucking anchor holding everything down at my job and the only one who can work the press so no actual orders would get done for 3 days and my boss would not be about that 😭

Idk, just a lot to overthink about. But hopefully since I wrote it out here it won’t keep me up all night and I can have a peaceful sleep 😌

I’m just going to start fresh tomorrow. Wake up at 5am, start with a guided meditation sitting up in bed, drink some water and take my meds, then go upstairs and get a nice well-rounded workout in. My breakfast will be scrambled eggs with kimchi, spinach and feta cheese on some sourdough toast. Then I’ll prep my lunch and dinner which will both be plain Greek yogurt with some of that farm-fresh honey I just picked up today and a goji berry trail mix on top. And then I’ll spend the evening reading.

I just can’t let my boss stress me out tomorrow. The fact that he’s back in the shop for 2 months just makes me want to quit, but I know I’m stronger than that and can’t let a random human being affect my mental health like that. I shouldn’t let anything affect my mental health, unless it’s in a positive way 😤

[jess-abides]

Vacation body thoughts below the cut (I should really just journal lol)

The last time I went on vacation in April, I was the biggest I’ve ever been. I wore my bikinis and was trying really hard to rock with body neutrality and tbh I was in a decent place with it. But I was super uncomfortable on the plane, and it was probably the most unpleasant travel experience that I can remember.

While I was on that trip, I started wanting to exercise…like idk why but I remember thinking “I want to start doing squats when I get home” lol and I got on the peloton the day after I got home and rode every day for like 2-3 weeks while I convinced my trainer friend to coach me after I realized he offered virtual sessions. I don’t know what changed, but something flipped basically overnight - when we first got started, I told my trainer “I’m really good at starting over, but I really want this to be the last time” and tbh it still feels like it could be.

I haven’t missed a single planned/scheduled workout since the day I got back from that trip, and I’ve enjoyed the process so much more this time around because it came from a place of actually just wanting to exercise (as opposed to my typical pattern of ‘hate self > must be smaller > deserve punishment > must eat less and move more’).

I also very intentionally did not diet at all, because I still have to work very hard at not spiraling when I try to ~get healthy~ and I am sick to death of dieting and burning out and being afraid of food and the scale.

So I decided to just focus on the one thing I was excited about, which was getting stronger. Which naturally led me to make some different food choices based on what my body was craving (and plenty of well-intentioned bullying from my coach when I wasn’t eating enough). I’ve just been having so much fun getting stronger that it started to feel like a shame not to at least try to get enough protein to actually let my muscles recover and grow.

So I headed off on this vacation 30 pounds lighter than the last, inches gone from my waist, hips, thighs, wedged comfortably into the middle seat between two strangers and not silently apologizing for my existence. Happier, stronger, more confident. A little nervous to get out of my routine, tbh, but I could also really tell my body could use a break.

And, for once, not at all worried about my diet or whether I’d gain weight; knowing I’ve been learning to trust myself and basically eating whatever I wanted anyway. I enjoyed good seafood and good ice cream, but never felt like I needed to over-indulge or overcompensate for indulging. I went for long walks on the beach because I wanted to, and sat on the porch when I decided I’d rather do that instead.

Out of sheer curiosity, I weighed myself this afternoon (something I would never have done in the past - early morning only, iykyk). And wouldn’t you know it? I weigh the same as the day I left. The number itself isn’t the victory - I would have been fine with being up a few because bodies will be bodies, and I guess that’s really what I’m proud of!

And I’m looking forward to being back on my bullshit tomorrow morning and seeing how this break plays out in my workouts this week. After I sleep A LOT tonight 😌

[thelarsvolta96]

post about life lately

this is gonna be a long one so buckle up i guess. just wanted to explain why ive been gone and rarely active lately.

so ive been in and out of the ER lately, my most recent stay being 5 days long, because ive been having severe digestion issues and pain to the point where i couldnt eat or drink anything because it would just come right back up. my mental health has been down the fuckin drain lately as well. and i have no funds or health insurance to get help with any of this. thankfully before my ER visit i scheduled a mental health visit for tomorrow, which i totally forgot about until they emailed me asking for paperwork. but my follow up for my physical health isnt until october 3rd, and thats just to establish care, i doubt ill get any answers there. in the meantime ive lost 20 lbs without meaning to or trying, just because i cant eat very much at all. im somewhat convinced that i cant eat beef or gluten at all, and any time i eat a leafy veggie or something like broccoli that causes me intense pain and discomfort as well. but i dont know. i need to get allergy testing done and whatever other testing they can do on me. they did an upper endoscopy on me at the hospital and said i had "minor gastritis" which is ridiculous because of course its gonna look minor when i havent eaten in a week. i havent even been aggravating it. i dont know what to do. for now im eating what little i can and conserving my energy. im just so lost. not to mention my mental health just constantly spiraling, im sure in part due to me not getting the nutrients i need and also because i just feel so sick constantly.

the drs at the ER kept saying they think its cannabinoid hyperemesis, which i think is pretty bullshit, but they say the symptoms can last up to 6 months after ur last use. so i guess im gonna be off the weed until the end of march to see if thats really whats causing all of this. im hoping ill get a different diagnosis from the drs im able to see, but i dont know if i will. i just have to play it safe. unfortunately, the weed was like the single best helper for my physical pain from just existing as well as for eating food, so my appetite is basically nonexistent at this point as it has been for well over a decade now, only now i have no way to stimulate it. so now im in constant pain, constantly tired, constantly feeling sick. its hell.

anyway, im trying to keep a list of trigger foods, and so far its been any beef, and ive had a hard time with saltine crackers and pretzels. ive eaten chicken and rice alright, i was even bad and ate some french fries with sauce the other day and that was ok. hence my thinking that gluten might be fucking with me. but i have no idea. im just so distraught. i want answers. i need to be able to live my life.

i guess thats pretty much everything. hopefully i wont disappear for a large length of time again. sorry everybody

[alienaiver]

Chapter 3: Collision [FINAL]

Chapter summary: You're traveling to the duchy where the root of the issues might be. The bond with your advisor deepens and truths are unconvered, in every sense of the word.

Warnings for this chapter: someone gets stabbed in this, and another get an arrow to the head so uh. warnings for that? theres also some in-fighting but its not like, dramatic overkill!

Wordcount: 12k [...hehe]

Chapter content: fluff, sfw, fantasy AU, royalty AU, MEDIUM!!! angst, genderneutral reader, poc and bodytype!friendly reader, no use of y/n, more ‘your majesty‘, im bullshitting my astrology knowledge i apologize to ppl who actually knows shit, happy ending, kissing is minor but THERE IS KISSING, THERES STABBING AND BLOOD HERE THO, descriptions of fights/battles but im not very sufficient in them so it  stays light LMFAO,

notes: i APOLOGIZE MY ASS OFF FOR THE DELAY. i got hit by an intense ass flu, so i could barely text normally the past week!! BUT HERE IT IS.... my god. this world. i have so much more information and world building that will never see the light of day. i wanted to still keep the focus on suga and reader, so i apologize if some of my world building has felt like it falls short now that its done. it was mostly just to show there was more, without diving deeper. i also have intricate backstories for everyone involved and love charts LMFAAAAAO. the economic history has been worked on as well even tho no economy is shown here LMFAO MY DUMBASS  DOING MATH. if youd like me to expand on other characters or other parts, i might be feeling up to it heheeh<33333 ENJOY!!! im gonna go treat myself to my friend’s ice cream in my freezer JFESKJFSK

ALSO in tryibg to fix the spaces between paragraphs, but tumblr's new psot editor is messing w me. so please bear w me! 🧡 (if youd like to avoid the spacing issue until im able to fix it, theres no issues in ao3! the link to the story is on the series masterlist!) ✨

previous ┋ series masterlist ┋ first chapter

Sugawara’s sitting in the servant’s kitchens, drinking ale with Sawamura and Azumane.

Or more truthfully put, Sawamura and Azumane are drinking ale. Sugawara’s fighting to stay awake and stay part of their current subject. They’re talking animatedly in front of him but he can’t for the life of him follow suit. You’re currently eating a leisurely lunch with Bokuto and his fiancé, Akaashi Keiji, in the gardens before they’re taking their leave tomorrow and travel back to the empire.

You’ve given Sugawara time off but he hardly knows how to pass such hours anymore. There’s always something to do – so when both Azumane and Sawamura was off as well, they all decided to eat lunch together.

“You need to work less, Suga.” Sawamura scolds, his hand pushing at Sugawara’s plate as to regain his attention. He brushes him off as he stifles a yawn, “thanks for the encouragement Daichi, but it’s just sleep that’s the issue, is all.”

Azumane frowns in concern but isn’t sure how to convince Sugawara either, “we never see you around anymore,” he tries and Sugawara smiles, “I appreciate your concern Asahi, however, to support my crown I will do what it takes.”

They both shake their heads and Sugawara sighs as he leans his head in his palm, “I like what I do, you know? It enriches me. When I look at them, all I see is the bright future that shines on Karasuno. They just need a push, is all.”

They nod in unison, “yeah, there’s something to agree on. They have the proper air around them, too.” Sawamura sighs as he crosses his arms, a satisfactory smile on his lips. Azumane smiles too as he takes a sip of his ale, “they’ve come so far. Nothing has brought me greater joy than supporting them through it all.”

Sugawara sends Azumane a beaming smile, “exactly! You spend just as much time with the crown as I do – so there’s no problem, right?”

They laugh and shake their heads at him, “there’s nothing we can say to make you change trajectory anyways, Suga. But please remember to rest.”

The talk branches off to different subjects – mainly Sawamura’s complaints about the new troublemakers in his personnel. They’re talented with weapons and hard-working, but the barracks has never been as chaotic as they are right now. It’s giving Sawamura new wrinkles to worry about.

Sugawara zones out of the conversation as he thinks back to late last night. He’d found you in the map room – the room that had unofficially become your meeting place – exhausted. The bags under your eyes were hardly possible to hide on top of the greying of your skin. After that afternoon where he’d helped you sleep some moons ago, there’d been no repeats and he wasn’t so arrogant to suggest his help himself to the crown. He might’ve even done it wrong for all he knows.

You’d sat with your head resting in your hands, looking pointedly at documents in front of you but Sugawara had a feeling you weren’t looking at anything of this world.

He’d been right.

You hadn’t registered his appearing and the moment he cleared his throat you’d jumped up from the chair with fear and panic in your widened eyes. His arms had shot up to show he meant no harm and as you’d registered his face, you’d become visibly calmer.

Sugawara had ended up going to the guard’s kitchens to grab a bowl of the hot porridge always freshly served for any guards on night duty and spoon-feeding it to you. He’s sure it had been awkward for you, even if you were the one who suggested that he did so, but for him it was an entirely different experience. He’d felt your breath on his hand when it came close to your face and he swore he had almost felt your heart beating, that’s how close he’d been.

He can’t possibly tell of this to Sawamura and Azumane – the teasing would be relentless.

Midday turns to late afternoon and as the sun is slowly setting behind the mountains, Sugawara is called upon by a maid. You’re in his study and require him to attend you.

When he reaches the door left ajar, he sneaks a peek before announcing himself. You’re standing by his window, your hand outreached towards the stained glass, admiring the light’s reflection onto your palm. the sun bounces off of you and leaves you in an ethereal glow. You remind him of the bright guiding star on the night sky.

This is when you’re the most beautiful, Sugawara thinks and holds his breath.

You retract your arm from the sun’s rays and drag your fingers over some of the books on his shelves. It’s the fictional section and he feels a touch of embarrassment at your possible scrutiny. He hears a low chuckle leave you as stop by a small row with a few children’s books. They’re worn out – mostly because he’s used them when telling stories and teaching children how to use letters, but also simply from age. They’re the first gift from his mentor and he holds them close in his heart.

To Sugawara’s surprise, you turn around and look directly at him. Then, you let out a surprised yelp when you see him. Your hand travels to your chest, “oh, I apologize Sugawara, I neither saw nor heard you.” you laugh and he shakes his head and bows lightly, “no the fault is mine, your majesty. I apologize for startling you.”

You laugh it off and sit yourself down by his desk, “the lunch with Bokuto went well, I take it?” he asks as he rounds the armchair to sit down, keeping his gaze on you. You hum out a reply as you settle better into his chair, dragging your open palms over his desk, “I’ll miss him and Akaashi when they leave. You’re joining us for supper, correct? It won’t be for the full court, for the sake of privacy.” Sugawara raises his eyebrows but keeps his stare level, “pardon?” he asks and you chuckle, “I’d like you to be there. The chefs are making your favorite.”

His favorite?

The chefs – who cook for the royal court – is making his favorite meal from his hometown? A nervous laugh escapes him, “your majesty, are you serving spiced tofu to your royal visitors?”

A smile as mischievous as your personality graces your features as you nod, “I’m sure Bokuto and Akaashi will enjoy it as well! And I’m curious about it too. It’s been on my mind since you told me about it.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have, he thinks for a short panicked moment.

He’s not sure how highly spiced the chefs will prepare it – hopes it won’t be – but he can’t be certain. His dream isn’t to offend the royal tastebuds of his crown and other royal entities. You bark out a laugh, one that comes deep within your stomach and sound off of the room, “you seem perplexed, Sugawara.”

Sugawara nods, “do you enjoy spiced food, your majesty?”

You smile, big and proud, “I can take anything.”

You couldn’t.

Since you’d been so wise to ask the chefs to create it as true to its original form, the spice level had been nothing to scoff at. In your defense, Sugawara thinks you’re holding out really well, considering.

Bokuto’s handling it worse than you, constantly scarfing down the offered milk while Akaashi enjoys it in silence. Sugawara’s not sure whether or not that’s positive, but decides to take it as a win either way. The dinner drags on with the minstrel playing for them struggling to keep a neutral face. Sugawara’s not sure telling Azumane and Sawamura about this spectacle in front of him would count as treason against the crown.

“You’re in love with them, aren’t you?”

Sugawara’s chokes on his own spit at Akaashi’s blunt question during the final evening walk of the gardens. It’s become a habit during their stay, and you and Bokuto are currently walking further ahead, opting for conversational privacy for a few short moments. Sugawara hadn’t expected Akaashi to speak much to him, let alone confront him like this. Akaashi smiles and looks up at the sky, “the night sky’s so beautiful out here. It reminds me of the place where Bokuto proposed to me.”

Sugawara nods, confusion evident on his face, “that does indeed sound romantic, your majesty.”

Akaashi nods his head towards you, “they like the stars too, don’t they? You should take advantage of that knowledge.”

Before Sugawara can ask him to elaborate, Bokuto calls on them both and he gives Sugawara a court smile, “I think the chances align in your favor, dear advisor.” And with that, he walks up to Bokuto and kisses him on the cheek.

It takes Sugawara a few short moments to restart his mind, being called out of his stupor by you, asking if he’d like to retreat for the night. There’s a question for concern hidden in the syllables and the gentleness of your gaze that makes his palms sweat.

                                                          ///    

Bokuto and Akaashi departs your kingdom without further incident, and Sugawara feels like he can finally relax in several days. The moment Bokuto and his entourage has left the courtyard, Sugawara notices how your shoulders slump slightly as well. It must’ve been more draining for you than he can even imagine. While you and Bokuto are on much more even ground, he’s sure the need to pose correctly still lingers at all times.

“Sugawara, what does the court say about my marriage opportunities?”

He tries to keep his face as neutral as possible, to hide the surprise from the sudden question in the middle of your lunch in the map room. You haven’t been in here for longer than small moments while Bokuto had been visiting, so it’s nice to finally sit in here again, just the two of you. To gain a moment where he can gather himself, Sugawara takes a bite of his bread and hums, signaling that he needs to finish chewing. You wait patiently with a neutral expression.

He then brushes his palms against each other to get rid of any loose breadcrumbs, “there currently aren’t any official suitors, if that’s what you’re asking.”

You smile and take a sip of your tea, placing it down gently, “my question pertained more in regard to our laws. With whom can I marry? What are my restrictions?”

Sugawara swallows thickly again, letting his mind stay close to simple facts and not emotions, “well there’s quite a bit of history there. In the olden days, the crown was allowed to appoint anyone – although most of the weddings still related mostly to those of royal blood, your great-great-grandmother married a commoner – to which her son was so enraged that the bloodline was sullied,” you both make a grimace at this part of the story, “that he forbade such matrimonies when he ascended the throne.”

You sigh and deflate down into the chair, “what an unsettling man.” Sugawara nods in agreement and gently folds his napkin over the plate to signal that he finished eating, “a lot of laws were created during his reign that most don’t agree with.”

”I can’t imagine he was very popular.”

Sugawara tuts at you, “now, now, your majesty. You mustn’t speak ill of the dead.”

You sigh and give him a look – one that signals that it may not matter as much to you. Sugawara then clears his throat and with a voice pitched higher than he’d have liked, asks, “a-anyways, what brought this on, your majesty? If I may be so presumptuous to ask.”

You tense up suddenly, clearing your own throat and hastily gathering your cutlery on your plate, clearing your throat a second time before you answer, “oh! Oh, well. Akaashi’s a commoner and it just… it got me thinking, you know?” your hand travels to the back of your neck to scratch while you let out a soft laugh. Sugawara smiles gently at you, happy to hear you might’ve found someone – even if he thinks you should focus on your duties for an extended period of time before marrying (that’s what he tells himself is the reason, at least, when he’s back in his own sleeping chambers that night). You don’t bring up the subject again, and Sugawara tells himself he shouldn’t pry.

                                                          ///    

Sawamura walks around the map room, his armor newly polished and shiny. You’re sitting upright in a chair with Sugawara standing next to you, arms on his back. Azumane’s there too, sitting on a stool to the right of the table. Sawamura’s waiting for his underlings to arrive, his eyebrows getting more and more furrowed with every moment they’re leaving him waiting. The mood is tense in the room and you’re afraid of making small-talk – you can’t stifle the yawn that threatens to spill and look at Azumane, who you inevitably infect with the need as well. He gives you a reassuring smile and just then you hear the sounds of someone yelling as the sound of their armor indicates that they’re running in your direction.

Sawamura hurries to the door and lets out a hushed but no less powerful, “hey!” which makes Hinata and Kageyama halt in their movements. He ushers them inside and sigh deeply, “your behavior could cost a life on a battlefield,” he scolds and you hurry to get up with a kind smile, “luckily it wasn’t on the battlefield, Sawamura, let us excuse this honest blunder and get started, shall we?” you send Hinata and Kageyama a look that you hope shows them you won’t bail them out of a scolding a second time.

It’s past 3AM and the moon’s high in the sky. You’ve all rendezvoused in the map room to plan what you hope will stay a secret plan until you’ve left the keep in a few days.

The information that Bokuto offered you has meant tremendously in the investigation and yesterday you finally convinced Sugawara to let you go with them as they’re traveling to the Hiashi duchy to figure it all out once for and for all. There are gaps in the knowledge that the kingdom pertains and what seems to be the actual reality.

You’d like the arrival to the duchy to be as quiet as possible, gaining momentum before a possible uprising will occur if the news reach them before their arrival. Sawamura originally wanted two other guards with him, more seasoned ones he knows and trusts well, but Hinata is from the area that you’re going to, and Sugawara convinced Sawamura of the importance of someone they already trust as a local.

Sawamura goes over your travel route, of the places and areas where you’ll be resting. There’ll be tent-sleeping and as little contact to the people of the kingdom as possible. Your face is already known and he won’t risk this information breaching containment. His guards are well underway packing all of your needs and supplies – you will all travel as light as possible, meaning everyone will have to carry their weight. As he says this, he gives you an apologetic look that makes you snort out loud, “I am fully capable, sir. There shan’t be any complaints from my shoulders.”

You miss the proud gleam from your advisor as Azumane reaches for your shoulder to give it a reassuring squeeze.

The plan is simple, really. For you, it feels like an adventurous and exciting quest but you know, based on Sawamura’s tight demeanor, that there’ll be dangers lurking. He wouldn’t bring in so many neutral guards to travel in the radius around you if it wasn’t – not to mention his loud protests when you demanded to join him.

Sugawara had to calm him down after that and it wasn’t until that moment you realized the weight you’ve put on his shoulders by joining this mission – he’d already lost your father to a faceless enemy. One he’s hopefully going to face again if the outcome of this hunt goes right. What if he isn’t strong enough to protect you as well?

                                                          ///    

It turns out there wasn’t much for him to worry about, as you’re at the end of the first week of traveling with no issues. The fears Sawamura conjured in all of your minds on the night you left seems so far away now, with the quiet travels you’ve experienced. You’re in one of the middle duchies, Kogeno, and the weather tonight is clear and fresh. Spring is nearing and the tips of the mountains aren’t all white anymore.

Yesterday, Sugawara showed you one of the spring flowers in bloom. Kageyama accidentally trampled it down with the mule shortly after.

You’ve taken a liking to the night shifts. You’re traveling with two tents, one for you and one for the rest of them – you’ve tried protesting this multiple times, seeing no need to carry both when there’d be room for you in theirs. None of them has accepted that, though, fiercely arguing about your title as crown and theirs as commoners. You aren’t sure how to tell them it’s lonely without sounding too much like a child. Azumane sometimes comes in and holds your hand, but you know he leaves your tent shortly after you’ve dozed off.

Night shifts are less lonely since no one takes them alone. You’ve gotten closer to Hinata, learning about his hometown and his dream of becoming a knight. How no one believed him and he was ridiculed for such a dream due to his short stature. He’d proudly puffed out his chest the night you’d told him that you’d appoint him a title after the travels were over, “I’ll even send home an official letter to your family.” You’d added with a wink, and his eyes had turned bigger than you thought possible.

The day after, Sugawara had scolded you that you mustn’t make such promises to such a young guard. You’d dismissed him.

Tonight, you and Sugawara has the shift together. You take a sip of your tea and sigh, “it sure is quaint out here,” you muse and Sugawara chuckles, “you seem to have fallen quite in love with the countryside.”

You look at him longingly and smile, “well, it’s quite the view.”

He doesn’t notice how your gaze lingers on him and just smiles into the distance, “it is. I haven’t ever been this far south.”

You wrap yourself up more in the blanket that Sugawara draped over you earlier, when your watch started. You then gather the courage to ask him, “are you happy with your work?”

You’re not sure if he turns his head to look at you or not, your eyes fixated on a rock further ahead in your line of vision, afraid that his answer might not be what you’re looking for. You spent so many years admiring the relationship between your father and his advisor, counting down the days until you’d be the one bound in an oath like that. You’re not sure it is what you expected.

You’re not sure you’re supposed to look at his lips so much.

Sugawara sighs and stretches his arms, “it sure is work, your majesty.”

It takes a moment for you to register his joke, to understand that he’s making fun of you, your expression not as schooled as you’d like it to be. You kick his shin and he chuckles before taking a sip of his own tea. It’s elfbark, harvested a few days prior when he took you foraging – he’d even held your hand as you went over a creek.

“There’s no greater thing for me to do, your majesty. I told you, remember? That I dreamt of grandness, to help the Karasuno Kingdom reclaim its former glory before the Third Age.”

You hum out a reply and look into the fire in front of you, “do you think I shall be able to achieve that? Continue my father’s work?”

Sugawara puts down his cup and leans closer to you, his brown boot lightly touching yours. A way to make a connection. You notice the dirt on the leather. You think this may be the first time you’ve ever had boots this dirty outside of the keep. Sugawara points up at the night sky,

“You remind me of the guiding star, your majesty. Your glow is magnificent and empowering, you’ll lead this country to greatness. Do you not trust the Farseers?”

You huff out a laugh, trying to hide the flustered expression on your face by looking back at the tents, avoiding his intense gaze, “it is not that I do not trust them, Sugawara, but being called the ‘Bringer of Serenity’ feels like a title meant for someone else.” you admit, for the first time out loud to anyone ever since the premonition was brought to you by the Farseer clan when you were just short of 14. You’re not sure when you started to feel like an impostor. It’s been a while since those thoughts journeyed your mind last.

You haven’t had such thoughts since Sugawara came into your life.

“You’re my earth, Sugawara.”

You blurt it out before you can stop yourself – before you can think through the heaviness of the words. Spiraling in your mind, you don’t notice the way Sugawara’s breath hitches or the way his eyes widen, his mouth hanging open. There’s a silence stretching between you until Sugawara manages to close his mouth and bite his lip.

“Pardon, your majesty?”

You can’t retract it now – you might as well be honest. Didn’t your father always tell you to never hide any parts of yourself for your advisor?

You heave in a big breath, “you ground me. I may be a star to you, up in the sky where nothing can reach me. But I get to admire you, look at you. To be reminded of who I’m shining for. A constant reassurance that you’ll always be there.”

Sugawara doesn’t reply to you immediately and you cough into your sleeve to hide your face, not able to look him in the eye just yet.

As the silence stretches out you whine and give in and look up at him. Sugawara’s simply looking at you with the warm smile that makes your insides melt. If it weren’t for the darkness of the night, you’d know that his lash line is wet, but he gets to keep that information to himself. You raise an eyebrow, “’cause you will always be here…. Right?”

His warm and affectionate smile turns into a face splitting grin, the gooey mess in your stomach suddenly sprouting wings and flying rapidly, desperately around inside you, “of course, your majesty.”

A few more days pass in peace, the setting up of tents your biggest worry. There are two mules with you, ones that Kageyama and Hinata takes care of. It’s not until you’re at the borders between Kogeno and Hiashi that trouble arise. There’re scouts positioned in a two-and-a-half-mile radius traveling alongside you, even if you’d insisted there was no need. Sawamura hadn’t budged on the subject and the hardened look he’d given you made you shrink in on yourself, remembering the burden you’ve put on him.

Some scouts didn’t report back to Sawamura and some went missing. Sawamura’s sitting by the fire with Sugawara, a tense silence draped over them. “I think it’d be safer to return with the crown.” Sawamura says, his eyebrows furrowed. Sugawara hums, “I’m not sure they’ll do that. They’re just as determined as you are, if not more.”

Sawamura heaves a big sigh as he straightens his back, lifts his arms above his head and gain a satisfying pop of joints. Sugawara scrunches his nose up at the noise – he’ll never be one to enjoy that sound.

“Won’t they listen to you?”

Sugawara scoffs out a laugh as he takes a sip of his mug of ale, “as capable as they recognize me to be, if their heart is set on something, none of my academic words will matter.”

You’re all out in the woods with no one around you, so everyone lets their guard down. There’s quiet, only the sounds of critters. Sawamura flinches a few times but Sugawara doesn’t notice.

The mules, which are tied up next to your tent, start whinnying and moving restlessly, and that’s when Sugawara notices.

There’s a fire at the side of your tent.

He flies up, his mug thrown to the ground as he runs towards the entrance, glad to see the fire’s still small. “Daichi!” he calls as he hurls open the latch of the cotton door. Sawamura yells in the distance and out of his peripheral vision he sees Kageyama and Hinata jump out of their tent.

You’re asleep. He flies to his knees in front of your bedding, “your majesty!” he calls and you open your eyes, confused and disoriented, “we have to get out!” is all Sugawara says before he pulls you against him and out of the tent. You both land on the ground outside, coughing.

There are other people now. Sugawara belatedly hears the clashing of swords, commands and running. It takes him a moment to orient himself, shielding you underneath him on the ground. You start to claw at his arms, “I can fight too!” you yell, and he hushes you, “we’re not sure what our enemy is here,” he half-whispers as he makes a headcount. He’s not sure if they’ve noticed you’re out of your tent, alive. You grab on to the ground underneath you and manage to crawl free of Sugawara’s grasp, running to your sword placed by the supplies, ready to grab and defend with if needed.

There’s more yelling, and you manage to land a hit on someone using an axe. Commands of killing the crown are shouted all around you and Sawamura’s back hits yours, “your majesty, please escape.” He says and you let out a hysterical scoff, “I’m not”- you land a hit on the hip of the enemy in front of you- “leaving you all behind!” you finish, shouting as you kick the person away. They fall to the ground, weapon lost on the way down. The fire from your tent lights up the place in an almost magnificent glow.

Someone shouts something about daggers, you think it might be Hinata. You turn your head, and then you see it.

The dagger hurled toward you makes your eyes widen in fear, freezing you into place. You want to dodge – knows how to, yet you’re unable. You hear the shouting of your men from all around you, amplified by the sound of weapons continually clashing. You’re able to filter out Sugawara’s voice in all the noise as he calls your name – your name. It’s the first time you hear him use it and you almost want to scoff at how the mind processes all of this in such short moments. This must be what it feels like to know you’ll die. An image of your father appears in your mind.

And then you’re roughly pushed to the ground, exclaiming a groan at the impact with another human, hearing his cry into your shoulder as you both crash onto the ground. All sounds are now muffled and you feel intensely the pressure on your ribs from the weight of the other, the pebbles digging into your hip from the ground and then, then you feel a warm liquid trickle down over your collarbone and jaw. You briefly wonder if it’s yours but can, in those short seconds, locate no penetrated part of you that’d make you bleed, heaving in a deep breath filled with the dust of the ground.

Your eyes travel to the tuft of grey hair tickling your cheek and it’s then the bubble that had closed your ears pop sharply, making every sound all too loud and all too much again. On top of you, Sugawara is groaning in pain before he rolls off to the ground next to you, apologizing in a strained voice for getting blood on you.

The dagger, meant for your heart, is lodged into his shoulder and he’s bent awkwardly in an attempt to hide it from you with his left arm. You desperately pull his other arm away to assess the damage and there’s more than just one scolding going through your mind as you see how much blood is running down over his arm and chest, though no constructive words are able to pass your lips, only panicked one-syllable words. Sugawara’s already heavily damaged, not one used to fighting like this. There’s already bruising forming on his face, his brow split and bleeding. He’s groaning in obvious agony.

Words are being shouted around you and one repeats itself continuously, “run, your majesty!”

It’s not a demand, it’s a plead. Sawamura’s voice sounds desperate and coarse as he fights off another attacker with his sword. The meaning behind the words has changed since he started shouting them at the beginning of the ambush and for the first time since drawing out your sword, you decide to heed his words. You send him a determined nod and his gratitude gives him new power to charge an enemy.

“I’m sorry, Koushi, please hold on,” you whisper and Sugawara starts whining and trashing as you try to carry him off of the ground. His voice is garbled as the four words departs him, “leave me. Hide.”

You laugh, almost hysterically as you get his arm over your shoulders, “you can make this easier for me or not, I won’t leave you.”

The fear of losing Sugawara gives you new strength and while limping on your right leg, you manage to carry the both of you into the nearby bushes off of the road. You have half a mind to look back and check if anyone’s following you, but it’ll slow you down to turn your head, so you decide to trust Sawamura and his men. You know more arrived shortly after the ambush, the back-up guards Sawamura has had stationed in a radius around you ever since you left Karasu Keep. You’re not sure how many successfully fell to the ground up until this point, but hope you’ve outnumbered them by now.

The shouting becomes quieter, the throbbing of your head becoming louder. Out here there’s no light, the bushes and trees blocking off the light from the fire in the camp. Blearily, you locate a bigger bush and decides to push yourself and Sugawara inside of it to hide. He groans loudly at the impact, and as you crawl in next to him, you realize it’s a hawthorn bush. You roll your eyes; it’ll have to do.

You feel the thorns digging into your exposed skin as you try to get on your knees and pull Sugawara’s upper body to your lap gently, trying not to make the damage worse. Judging by his groans and whines, you’re not doing a very good job at it. You feel after the wound and hiss when you realize it’s still bleeding. You’re afraid to pull out the dagger, fearing it’ll make it worse. You’re also afraid it might be poisoned – would these attackers rely on simple luck that it’d pierce either your head or your heart? A dagger to the arm or leg isn’t necessarily fatal.

You apologize to Sugawara in bated breaths as you try to get a grip of your shirt’s side, ripping off as much fabric as you’re able, all the way to your back, where it’s hard to reach. You then lift his arm to wrap it around.

“Remove”-Sugawara coughs and curls in on himself – “the dagger.” He finished and you whine at his command, “what if you’ll bleed more?” and he wheezes out a laugh, “I’m bleeding either way, aren’t I?”

You want to punch him, but decide to do as he says, “here, bite down on this. I don’t want them to hear us,” you rip off the fabric of your sleeve and he bites down onto it, “I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do it quickly or slowly,” you admit and he groans. You apologize again, “I’ll do it quickly, in one”- you put your hands around the handle – “two… and three!”

Sugawara passes out after that.

                                                          ///    

Sugawara’s eyes are heavy as he tries to open them, coated with blood and tears. He hears Sawamura calling out, “Suga! Are you here? Your majesty!” and as he manages to open his right eye, is immediately blinded by the bright light coming in through the branches he’s surrounded by. He feels a weight on top of him and feels arms wrapped tightly around him, almost caging him in. He hears your soft breathing and sees you asleep on top of him.

Your face, beautiful and kind is layered in caked blood and dirt, your lip swollen. His name is called again and as he opens his mouth to reply, he realizes how dry and big his tongue feels. He tries to lick his lips, gather saliva but coughs instead, “in… here,” he manages to croak out but it’s barely even a whisper, his voice strained and hoarser than he’s tried before. He takes in a deep breath, “Daichi!”

Footsteps near them in a fast pace, “bushes,” he manages to wheeze out and that’s when you steer over him, “Sugawara!” you plead as he coughs from the strain, and then Sawamura is standing next to the bushes, “we’ll help you out, don’t worry your majesty, Suga.”

Sugawara’s eyes fall shut again.

He wakes up more comfortable this time, wrapped in blankets and with a pillow underneath his head. He’s back by the camp, and everyone is gathered, in various stages of bruised and hurt – but alive.  

He sighs as he falls back onto the pillow, which makes Daichi look down at him, a gentle expression on his face, “you’re awake.”

Next to him, you’re stirring something together in a cup, blending them as you wait for the kettle to finish boiling – you’re preparing medicine, he realizes. You’re doing it meticulously and with your tongue sticking out in concentration.

Sawamura fills him in on what happened, “it’s the same men as the attack on the former crown,” he clears his throat and takes in a deep breath, “fewer this time. We managed to fight them off, but a few of them escaped – probably to report back to whoever’s behind this.”

You fill in the cup with the water, trying to pour it in the swirling motion that your father taught you, so that the medicine blends better. You haven’t spoken a word to Sugawara yet. He pouts, “that decides this. The crown’s going back.”

He’s never seen you turn your head so fast, “I am most definitely not!”

Sugawara tries to sit up but feel the strain it gives his body, wheezing out a cough. You instinctively reach out to help him, but recoil at the last minute as you see the hardened look he gives you, “there’s no discussion to be had about this. You’re going back to Karasu Keep where you’ll be safe – and alive!”

You scoff at him and get up, “who’s the hurt one here? I can walk and run just fine!” you yell, and everyone at the camp is holding their breath, shifting their gazes between the two of you. Sugawara groans out loud to make a point and sits up higher, “who says you’ll survive the nex-“

“I do! I’ll survive jus-!”

“There’s no heir!”

Everyone freezes. You look at Sugawara with a mixed gaze, surprise and … is it hurt he sees there? He looks pointedly at the ground as he sighs, “Karasuno is teetering on the edge as it is. Losing one crown to an assassination was a hard blow – but losing the next one too? You’re unmarried, you’re childless. Whose head will the crown fall upon? Someone with the kingdom’s interests at heart?”

You slump and almost stagger but stand your ground as much as you’re able. You look him directly into his eyes, and he swallows thickly at the emotions swirling so obviously there, “I’ll survive.” You grit it out, like it’s hard to speak, and he fears it might be for you. He knows his words have hurt you – but he’d rather have you hurt and alive. He’ll gladly become a villain in your mind to keep you in this world. He grits his teeth,

“Take Hinata and go back.”

You laugh and throw your arms in the air, “we’re almost there. Who says I won’t be attacked on the way home, then? Will I be safer with more guards or simply one? And we only have pack-mules and very little supplies. I’ll hardly survive the trip home without making it known that I left!”

Sawamura gets up then and gives Sugawara an apologetic look, “they’re right. It’s safer to keep them with us.”

“Daichi!”

Sawamura sends him a pleading look, begging for him to cooperate, “keeping the crown safe is my priority and responsibility. I cannot guarantee such protection if they’re to stray from my side.”

Sugawara puffs up his cheeks, “you wanted to send them home a few days ago!” he yells, his anger redirected to his best friend. Sawamura lets out an exasperated sigh, “the situation’s changed.”

Sugawara looks around. Azumane, Hinata and Kageyama are all avoiding his gaze. “You can’t be serious!” he yells before he falls back on the makeshift bed and turns to lie on his left side, his back turned to everyone. He has to squeeze his eyes shut to prevent tears from falling.

Kageyama’s standing by the mules, feeding them stray grass he’s found from the side of the road. You come up to him and stand in silence. You’re not sure how to talk to him, though you wish you could. His entire arm is brushed and bandaged and he’s limping just a little bit more than you are.

You sigh as you pet the side of the mule’s head. It leans happily towards you, enjoying the attention. “Should I go back?”

Kageyama whips his head so fast towards you that it surprises you. His face is as hard to read as ever before he pouts, “I’ve never wanted to follow a weak leader,” he gets out and you raise your eyebrows, awaiting his continuation. “I don’t think Suga meant it the way you took it.”

You nod as he bites the inside of his cheek, “I’ll always follow you, your majesty, and I believe you capable of making the right choices.”

There’s silence between you again, only the sounds of the mules’ hooves and breaths – it’s comfortable. Behind you, you can hear the movements and low talks of your other travel buddies. Azumane has clung to you since you came back and this is the first time you’re walking away from the make-shift seatings and he didn’t follow you.

“I think Suga simply wants you to survive, is all, your majesty.”

It’s your turn to bite the inside of the cheek at the statement.

Evening has arrived at your little camp and while everyone’s settled in a sort of comfortable gratitude about being alive and well, the tension between you and Sugawara is still pulled taut. Hinata is currently singing a few songs by the fire while Kageyama fills up the waterskins for tomorrow’s continued travels.

“Sugawara, a moment if you will.”

Sugawara puts the ladle back down into the pot of porridge with gracious speed compared to the damage of his injury before he straightens his back and replies to you, just as coldly as you had to him, “of course, your majesty. How may I assist you?”

Azumane and Sawamura can scarcely keep the smiles off of their faces at the display in front of them, entirely too childish and immature – not befitting of the crown and their advisor at all. Not to mention the way they’re all unceremoniously huddled under blankets around the fire, their ruler in the same, commoner survival gear as them. You look nothing like royalty after last night’s attack, so your speech mannerisms seem almost out of character. Sawamura’s just glad they brought a few extra uniforms with them since everything in your tent turned to ashes.

You pull out a map and beckon him closer. Sawamura doesn’t miss the way Sugawara rolls his eyes ever so slightly yet gets up from his crouched position to be by your side at your request. Your quarrel today is still heavy in the air and Azumane fears for the night shift the two of you are supposed to have at nightfall. He knows how you both can be stubborn and volatile and he’s not sure he’ll be able to sleep soundly.

Your talk remains civil as you go through the final stretch of your journey on the map, talking strategies. Sawamura altered the route earlier today to shake off possible attackers in case there’d been a mole in his scouting groups. He’d also sent one back to the keep requesting back up – he’s not sure they’ll get there in time, even if their travels won’t be on foot.

The night shift is entirely quiet. Sugawara’s stiff through the first few hours, waiting for you to yell at him, chide him, anything. But you stay silent, only occasionally getting up to fetch fresh water from the kettle by the fire. He thinks he’d rather want a scolding at this point.

You then gasp out loud and his fight or flight reacts immediately, his body tensing, ready to jump up at any given demand. He may be hurt, but he’s sure he’d still be able to defend you – at least until Sawamura woke up. He then looks to you, and your eyes are fixated on the sky above you. There’s a shimmer reflected in your eyes that makes his pose relax, the half-smile you’re adorning that makes him unclench his fists.

“There was a shooting star,” you explain and keep your gaze fixed up. Sugawara looks up at the immense horizon, the stars illuminating the pitch-black darkness. “Right there,” you point up even if the action is meaningless since your perspective is different from his, “right by Orion.”

That doesn’t help him, so he just stares up at the sky, “I think Cygnus is visible on the sky tonight as well.” You bite your underlip in concentration as your eyes flicker around and Sugawara finds himself looking more intently at you than at the heavens. A triumphant smile appears on your face, “yep, it’s right there north of the guiding star!” you say and Sugawara hangs his head low as he admits his biggest academic flaw to date, “I can’t navigate the stars.”

There’s silence from you and he finally gathers the courage to look up at you. The moment your eyes meet his apologetic ones, you can’t stop yourself from bursting out into a laugh. He seems genuinely sorry that he’s unable to locate a constellation and the blanket of tension between you dissipates immediately at his confession. You wipe a stray tear from your lash line as Sugawara pouts next to you, “it’s okay,” you manage to say between laughs as you start to quiet down again, “I can show you.”

You shuffle closer to Sugawara – closer than he thinks you’ve been before and he swallows thickly – and put your head by his shoulder. Sugawara holds his breath. You raise your arm to point, “do you see the bright star there? It’s Deneb, there’s three stars aligning with it horizontally,” you say and Sugawara thinks he knows where you’re talking about. You sigh before you continue, “the star directly next to Deneb, there’s stars that go vertically,” you point your finger a little higher slowly as you count, “one a little distance away and then,” you lick your lips subconsciously, “two, three and four.”

Sugawara’s getting cross-eyed by the closeness but wills his mind to focus entirely on your hand and the stars above. He sees the pattern you’re mentioning, “Cygnus means swan, right?” he asks and you nod. In nodding, your head touches his shoulder – you decide to lean into that with a sigh, “yeah, it’s the swan constellation. It means summer’s coming.”

Sugawara dares not move, lest you pull back from him. Only once has he felt your weight like this on him, and he never imagined himself lucky enough to experience it twice. He can feel your body temperature mingle with his own and when he exhales slowly, he can actually see his breath. He notices your slight shiver. It’s unseasonably cold for this time of year, “it’s the clear skies. There’s nothing to tie down the heat.” you say while stifling a yawn.

Did Sugawara speak out loud? He simply nods, unable to form the proper words he wants to articulate. All these years reading books and learning about the human mind and he can’t even hold a conversation with you. He wants to lean onto you as well, but he doesn’t.

You climb out of the tent bright and early, stretching your limbs. You enjoy sleeping in but admittedly sleeping next to three grown and snoring men made it easier to get up with the sun. Azumane greets you from the fireplace and hands you a cup of tea as you settle down.

Today, Hinata is leaving ahead of you to see if he can either gain information or trust. He’s from the duchy – even if he grew up on the borders of it, on the other side of the mountain, it might help that a local arrives. He’s preparing a packing mule for traveling together with Sawamura, trying to make it appear that he’s been traveling alone. You’re lucky he didn’t get visibly hurt during the assault.

When he’s packed and ready to leave, you approach him, “thank you, Hinata, for doing this,” you say with a gentle smile that makes Hinata tense up in excitement from your acknowledgement. He then salutes you, “of course, your majesty! I shall do my utmost to help.”

He sounds knightly and ready, if it weren’t for the rumbling of his stomach a few short moments after his declaration. He curls in on himself with an apology dripping from his mouth. You notice the signs in him as the signs you had back when you became Crown-in-Waiting. You bend down to lock eyes with him, “you’re going to do great, no matter the outcome.” You hope you give a sufficient enough smile as you rest a hand on his shoulder, “we’ll arrive after nightfall as well, so it won’t be long before we’re united again, okay?”

He inhales slowly, holds it, and while straightening his back, exhales slowly again. He seems more determined as he gives you a big smile, “thank you, your majesty.” he says as he gets ready to leave you.

After Hinata’s left, you’re all by the campfire, eating a small provisional breakfast. Kageyama’s trying to sleep a few hours before you leave after having the final part of the night shift. Sawamura scratches at his ever-growing beard and you smile, “it’s really grown out these days, huh.” You say and he laughs. One of those deep ones that rumbles from his stomach, “I admit I have forgotten to pack a proper looking glass and blade.”

You smile and take a bite out from the small bowl on your lap, “it suits you. Beards are very handsome.”

Next to you, Sugawara chokes on a piece of bread. With a worried look you turn to him, leaning in to see if he’s alright. You pat his back and he raises an arm, “I’m okay, your majesty,” he manages to wheeze out and you smile, “you have to be careful.”

Sugawara nods as he wipes off his mouth with his sleeve. He freezes when he feels the pad of your fingers against his cheek, “you haven’t grown out much hair,” you absentmindedly state, eyes locked on his lips, the valley of his cupids bow as you feel the softness of his skin. You’re pulled out of your daze by the roaring laughter around you. You look to Sawamura and Azumane who’s both wheezing out, Sawamura hitting his thigh too in order to control his laughter. Sugawara pouts and scolds them, “shut up you two!” he tries, but they hardly listen.

You laugh at the antics in front of you, “did I say something amiss?” you ask and Azumane heaves in a breath, “Suga’s never been able to grow a beard, it’s his insecurity, your majesty.”

“Hey!” Sugawara yells and your eyes trace back to him, he’s pointing at Azumane with his butter knife, “stop telling people about that!” he side-eyes you for a second and then, in a frustrated whisper adds, “especially them!” as if you wouldn’t be able to hear him.

Sawamura laughs, “when we were little, Suga drew a picture of us grown up, and he had this big beard on the drawing – so you can imagine his disappointment,” he jokes and you laugh. Sugawara mumbles out unintelligible yet clearly annoyed words.

“Yeah, in front of the castle, right?” Sawamura asks and Azumane confirms, “yeah, he drew it shortly before I left as my parting gift. I still have it in my chambers.”

You look around at the three men in front of you with slight confusion, “you grew up together?”

They all return your confused look, staring at you as if you’d just grown three heads and not simply asked an innocent question. Azumane smiles, “did I fail to mention so, your majesty? We’re all from the same hometown.”

You nod as you piece together the childhood stories you’ve gotten before from both Azumane and Sugawara. Like a painting receiving it’s finer lines, you start to visualize who was with them in the stories they’ve told. You raise a hand to your mouth as you bark out a laugh, “I didn’t realize! But I can see how it makes sense…”

You sigh, “…must be nice, to stay so close after so many years.”

They all nod, solemnly, and the rest of the breakfast is finished in silence. It’s comfortable, but there’s a fog around you that Sugawara can’t seem to see through. He’s not sure how to give you any reassuring words.

                                                          ///    

When you arrive at the outskirts of town, there’s quiet. You can see the light from the houses littering the scenery and nothing seems amiss. There’re still a few miles to the center of the town, so you stretch your arms over your head as you straighten your back. Sawamura is by your side instantly, “do you need a break, your majesty?” he asks and you smile at him as you shake your head, “I’m fine, Sawamura. Thank you, though.”

Sugawara and Kageyama are walking behind with the remaining mule and Azumane’s walking a few steps ahead. Sawamura paces his walking to yours, and a comfortable silence settles over you as you take in your surroundings.

You heave in a breath to gather courage and clench your fists at your sides, then you turn to Sawamura, “ho- “your voice is higher pitched than you’d like, so you steel yourself again, “how was Sugawara as a child?”

Sawamura looks at you, startled to begin with but loosens up with a sort of fatherly smile. He looks up at the sky as you continue walking side by side, “Suga? He’s not much different now, I’d say. He’s mischievous when he wants to be, but other than that he’s got a stout heart – he doesn’t sway easily.”

You nod, playing with your fingers to alleviate your own nervousness. Sawamura sighs, “he’s always there for the people he cares about. He picked a fight with some older guys when we were kids, because they picked on his brother.” Sawamura chuckles at the memory.

“He’s a romantic, too.” Sawamura adds and it sounds much like an afterthought to you, but if Sugawara had heard him say those words to you, he’d scolded him. You feel your pulse quicken from something other than the brisk pace you’re walking as you hurry to avert your eyes to the ground. You’re about to say something when you’re abruptly interrupted, “psst!”

You all turn your heads to the hedge you’re walking next to, Sawamura already holding onto the handle of his sword, ready to fight if necessary. It’s an elderly lady in a cloak looking directly at you. She’s so small that her head is barely above the hedge’s edge. “Who walks there?” Sawamura demands, all loud and imposing but she hurries to hush him, “quiet! Come in quickly, before everyone knows you’ve arrived.”

She motions for you all to come in through the gates to the modest house. Inside, there’s lights in one of the rooms and you can see someone else walking around.

“Daichi.” Sugawara says from behind you, his voice level and even. You can hear the coldness to it, his message clear that he does not trust this lady. You smile gently at her as she tries to make you hurry, “if they spot you there’ll be trouble, so please, your majesty.”

That makes all of you tense up and Sawamura hurries to drag out his sword, pointing it towards her. He asks you to stand back but you walk closer to the gate, and lower Sawamura’s sword with your hand as you pass him, “I believe we can trust her.”

You’re not sure why. You have no recollection of meeting this woman, but you feel safe when you lock eyes with her. She bows slightly and opens the gates for you, “the mule can grass behind the house, just hurry.”

When you’re inside, you’re seated by a table. Sawamura and Sugawara’s standing by the entrance with their arms crossed, not happy with your decision to come inside and they’re not afraid to make it known. Azumane’s sitting with you, profusely apologizing for your company’s manners. You’re all waiting in awkward silence for Kageyama to walk in through the door after securing the mule to a post.

There’s another woman humming as she’s preparing a kettle of water. You can’t determine her age, but she isn’t much younger than the other one. You faintly recognize the melody she’s humming, but you cannot place it. When you finally ask her where the melody is from, she chuckles as she answers you, “it’s my own. I sang it for my son when he was just a babe.” She hands you a steaming hot cup of tea and you bow to her as you hurry to thank her – both for the cup of tea but certainly also for the hospitality – even if the circumstances seem dubious to your traveling company.

The door from the gardens open and Kageyama treads in with the elderly lady in hand, helping her up the heightened steps. “Oh, your majesty, I’m so delighted you’ve been tended to,” the elderly lady exclaims happily, excusing herself as she walks past Sawamura and Sugawara, who both declined any refreshments.

“I believe an introduction’s in order.” She says nonchalantly, seating herself next to you, “I’m Takeda Airi,” she bows to you unceremoniously before she grabs one of the pastries from the center of the table. Both you and Sugawara perk up and take a look at each other, recognizing the name immediately.

She lets out a shrill laugh, “you two can’t be fooled, I take it.” She notices, and you smile sheepishly, “am I wrong to assume Takeda Ittetsu is a family member of yours?” you ask, putting down your cup on the table. Airi hands you a pastry without asking if you wanted any, and the other woman scolds her, “mother! Don’t force feed the crown!”

She waves her off, “Ittetsu told me that the crown loves sweet things. Which is why I had you baking!”

You can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. You’d never known your tutoring scribe’s family history or ever imagined yourself in his family’s home. Airi seems special and almost familiar to you, now that you can take a better look at her. Her nose is rounded and flat, while her eyes are still big and all-seeing. When she catches you staring, you straighten your back. She smiles knowingly, “you’ve realized we’ve met before.” She states, and Sugawara walks over to stand by your side. You’re not sure of his intentions.

You’re about to ask her to make sense of this feeling in you when she claps her hands together, “we don’t have time for the past! Your majesty, you must leave.”

“Leave?” you exclaim, not able to hold back a grimace. She nods, “this duchy does not see you in a very good light. Your very life is in danger just by being here.”

Your throat feels dry but your mouth waters in anxiety. You try to gulp but feel unable to. Sugawara puts a hand on your shoulder, “with all due respect, we came to figure out why.”

Airi nods before giving Sugawara a grim look, “you have been doing a poor job, advisor. Letting your crown come so far into a lion’s den.” Everyone tenses, Sawamura and Kageyama take another battle stance at her comment. She then lets out another shrill laugh, “oh I don’t mean me, obviously! The town! The duchy!” she raises her arms to further her point, “the duke is not to be trusted.”

The other woman sighs, “mother, you’re confusing them,” she then turns to you all with a warm smile, “I’m Hina. Ittetsu’s mother.”

You take a bite of the pastry shoved in your hands earlier. She then sighs and look out the window, clenching her fists by her chest, “Duke Takashi killed your father.”

The air gets hard to breathe. It’s like there isn’t any air in the air you were breathing, your throat feeling tight; mouth numb. The ringing in your ears become distinctly louder and your blood feels heavy, rushing through you. In a far corner of your sense of self, you feel the hand on your shoulder tighten. You think the pastry in your hand might’ve fallen to the ground. The sweet aftertaste of cinnamon lingers on your tastebuds, suffocating you.

You register the raised voices around you, but none of the words gets processed. Your eyes are open but they’re looking inwards. There’s a burning wire of fire in your heart, ablaze and uncontrollable. You think you hear your father’s voice somewhere, repeating your name. As the voice gets clearer and clearer, the sound of your name gets more and more distorted.

You heave in a desperate breath as you’re pulled back to reality. Airi’s hand is touching yours, her ring cold on your skin. You recognize it immediately, the Black wings of the Crow crafted into a ring instead of a pin. You look at her with questioning eyes and she smiles gently, “one thing at a time, my dearest. Now, take a deep breath for me.”

She takes deep breaths to instruct you and you seem to follow them with ease. Sugawara tries to relax next to you, but he can’t deny the bizarreness of this entire situation. He holds his breath until yours is back under control.

Hina asks Sawamura and Kageyama to sit down as well as she starts explaining. Duke Takashi came into his dukedom shortly before the drought, known locally as the power-hungry, youngest son of the Takashi family. His older brother tragically died in a housefire shortly before ascending his duty and therefor Takashi stood to inherit it all.

There was a big change of staff when he entered his role, new rules bestowed upon the duchy.

“After the drought, he held an assembly to tell us of the kingdom’s decision of abandonment.”

Sugawara raises an eyebrow. No such decision was ever made – or even discussed. Hina smiles patiently, “you all looked confused. See, Duke Takashi is good at many things. Manipulating and isolating his duchy is undoubtedly his strongest suit.”

Airi scoffs and interrupts, “that snake.”

Hina nods, agreeing with her mother, “the treaty with Fukurodani Empire was still new at the time and he used it to his advantage. Made us believe that the crown was trying to give us up, abandon us.”

You suck in your teeth, fear gripping at your heart as you try to steady the beating. Hina continues, “your father did a lot of good things for the duchy during the crisis. He even came here, in this very kitchen, with food to help sustain us – and a lot of other homes.”

Airi sighs, “but time does as time does best. If it is not taken care of, it forgets. It leaves behind knowledge.”

“But what does that have to do with Duke Takashi?” Sugawara asks, though he thinks he might’ve pieced it together by now. He doesn’t like where it’s going.

Airi’s about to open her mouth and speak more when Hina hisses, “they’re here.”

You whip your head to the window and through the darkness of the outside, you make out a few torches and movement. More detailed it won’t become, so long as there’s light in the house.

“Hide, upstairs!” Airi says as she pulls you up from your chair with surprising strength. Sugawara grabs your hand and leads you first towards the stairs he noticed at the back of the hallway when they arrived. He hears the others are right behind the two of you.

You take a look back and see Airi smile gently at you, tapping her ring finger with her other hand. You know it means her allegiance lies with you, though fear still has a wholesome grip around your throat. You’re not sure what’s going to happen, but you know nothing must happen to her.

You’re huddled in the back with Azumane and Sugawara hovering over you, arms around you protectively, as Sawamura and Kageyama stand ready with weapons in case anyone will show up.

You hear the muffled noise of knocking on the door and Airi tiredly yelling she’s on her way when the knocking becomes more aggressive. You strain your eyes to listen to the words spoken but can only make out the hostility of the voice speaking, not the words. The voices raise and you hear something being thrown, which makes your body react before you can really think your actions through.

You jump up from your bent position, passing Sawamura and Kageyama before they can even react to your actions, jumping – and almost falling – down the stairs, a determined glare in your eyes. You see Airi on the floor next to the stool she’d been pushed towards and Hina crouched by her, holding up her head. Airi looks at you and yells out a “no!” but you only have eyes for the man who still has his arm raised from the push.

Duke Takashi.

When he sees you, a sinister grin appears on his face. He pulls back his arm and readjusts his sleeve, as if the wrinkles he’d gotten from his violence was more revolting than the action itself.

“Oh, your majesty, what brings you here? What a pleasant surprise.”

You scoff, “surprise?”

You hear the others hurry down the stairs to you but before they can round the corner, Takashi’s already jumped into action, pulling your back close to him with a knife to your throat. Involuntarily, you let out a whine from the impact as you try to scratch at his arms, kick his legs, anything.

But he doesn’t budge. He merely kicks at Airi as if your struggle was a daytime breeze.

“Get Airi and Hina away from here!” you choke out between labored breaths, and Sawamura orders Kageyama help them get up and behind them.

“Let them go, Duke Takashi and you shan’t be punished.”

Takashi laughs again as he starts walking backwards and out of the house with you in tow, “oh I don’t believe that at all, you simple knights have no honor left.”

Outside, a mob has gathered. It’s the people of the town, and they’re all making way for Takashi to hold you in the center, demanding their attention.

“Everyone! We have them in our grasp!” he starts, toying with the knife close to your throat, laughing triumphantly.

“Our plans had setbacks, sure, but now we can reclaim the full prize. There is simply no heir to take the throne and what will happen when they tragically pass due to a group of bandits? I, Duke Takashi, will of course lend my aid to the kingdom.”

Sugawara clenches his fists, “there’ll be no place for you on the throne!” he yells, and one of Takashi’s guardsmen takes a hold of him. “Let me go!” he yells, but it’s futile. His shoulder’s acting up and the fatigue from the other bruises that he’d hidden well from you, is catching up to him. He’s powerless. He sends Sawamura a pleading look, but his look is steeled entirely on you, sword raised as he tries to figure out what to do. How to get you back safe.

“Won’t there? You’re the advisor, Sugawara, so tell me. What happens if there’s no one to ascend the throne? Hm? That’s right, the dukes are put to a vote to become stewards of the kingdom.”

“As if they’d vote for you!” Sugawara spits back and the guard tightens his grip on Sugawara’s arms, making him kneel. You whine at seeing him being hurt.

“Oh, so you think I’ve been snoozing the past five or so years? You haven’t noticed the good relations I’ve been making with the other duchies? The aid I’ve provided them?”

Sugawara’s eyes widen. The lowered tax – Sugawara had assumed that Takashi had kept the money to himself instead of giving it to his duchy, that he’d hoarded wealth for his own gain – but the plot had been much bigger than Sugawara had caught on to. This was more than just stealing money from his own duchy.

It’s a coup d’état.

A carefully planned one at that.

You scratch at his arms and he groans, “stop moving, your majesty, I’ll finish this soon enough.” He says your title mockingly. You hear the sound of crows cawing somewhere in the distance.

“You stole your people’s money!” you manage to yell out as you kick his knee. Takashi yells out as he hits your head with the blunt end of the blade, making you disoriented.

The guard holding Sugawara tightly suddenly loosens his grip – not enough to be visible to anyone else, but certainly felt by Sugawara. Sugawara notices some of the guards looking around at each other, their angry and victorious faces going pale, confused, questioning.

Sugawara takes his chances, “you stole the much-needed money from a hurt duchy and redistributed it to other well-functioning duchies, didn’t you? The crown lowered the taxes to help the people here, but you didn’t lower their payments!”

More confusion, more questions.

Sawamura smiles confidently but with reprehension still as he quietly says, “these people are helping you on false pretenses, aren’t they? Do they know the truth?”

Takashi starts backing away more, tightening his grip on your throat. You try to resist, but he’s strong – and the knife is lodged so close, that you can feel the sting of the blade. Your head pounds, making your vision blurry. You feel blood tickle down your brow. You have to trust your men.

You detect panic in his voice as he frantically starts explaining to his men how they’d get in on his success, too. How he’d share the riches of the kingdom with them. One yells back, “there was riches! But you took them!”

“My daughter passed away because you said we couldn’t afford to pay the local doctor to stay in town!” another yells, anguished.

Words like worthy sacrifice, small evils needed and desperate attempts to convince them of his righteousness is thrown around, but he’s frantically grasping at straws now that he’s been exposed.

He pushes the blade enough to break skin. Sugawara calls your name again and you almost smile. You must be delirious from the pain because somehow you feel happy that he called your name again. You never thought you’d hear it again, much less this soon. He calls it with a hoarser voice and as the guard lets go of him, you can see he intends to run to you. Sawamura stops him with an arm and the yelling is now directed at him instead.

Sugawara can’t see what you can from your perspective on the other side of the hedge, and you know Sawamura’s taking a gamble based on his hearing only.

Takashi laughs manically, hysterically, shrill in your ear as he presses the knife, getting ready to slice. You try to mouth ‘it’s okay’ to Sugawara but it seems to make his anger rise even more.

Takashi raises the knife again and lifts it high to get ready to end your life. A mocking salute is heard from him.

And that’s when you hear the sound of an arrow pass cleanly by your head.

The sound and feel of blood gushing out will probably be forever ingrained in your memory. You look to the side to see one of Sawamura’s guards with a bow. Behind him is one with a shield and a sword, together with Hinata. You smile at them before your legs give in underneath you.

You expect to hit the ground, given that Takashi’s body is pulling you down with him.

Sugawara scrapes his knees as he tries to run to you so fast that he stumbles. The last few steps are crawled but he reaches you before your upper body falls further down, grabbing a hold of your shoulders.

Panicked, one-syllable words are thrown at you, his behavior mirroring yours when he was stabbed. You almost laugh. His hands search your face and wipes your tears and drags stray hairs away from your face. You’re about to open your mouth and make a mother hen joke when his lips are colliding onto yours.

You’re rigid at first before you relax your mouth and mold your lips to fit his. Right as you’re starting to enjoy the feeling, he pulls away, apologies thick on his tongue, panic laced in his voice. He hasn’t gotten very far away from you before you lean forward to kiss him back.

You’re rougher, and your teeth clash, the kiss much more undignified than when he initiated it, but it’s no less perfect to you. When he pulls away, slower this time, you let him, searching his eyes. He still looks terrified and his breathing is still panicked, “I thought I’d lost you.” he admits. You smile and kiss him again, this time short and sweet, “oh, you won’t get rid of me that easily.”

Behind you, you hear the bellowing laugh of the guard who shot the arrow. You think his name might be Nishinoya. Sawamura walks up to them – he puts a hand on your shoulder on the way and smiles at you.

“Nishinoya.” Sawamura then says gratefully, and you make a mental note of giving that man a title as well. Nishinoya yells, “I told you guys I’d always have your back as the Guardian Deity!” you hear Hinata’s excitement too as you laugh and rest your head on Sugawara’s shoulder. Then, a stray tear slips past your defenses, “is it over?” you croak out, almost too afraid to ask. Sugawara laughs airily, like he can’t believe it either, but he rests his head on yours, “yes, your majesty.”

You’re glad to have found the truth, relieved that you can now let your father go knowing what has happened. The steps in front of you are also now clear, like he’s paved them for you before he left.

You smile into Sugawara’s shoulder and close your eyes. It’ll be okay.

My cat’s final contribution. He thanks you for reading his words and for your kind feedback in earlier chapters. He knows his words are superior to mine and CLEARLY is what’s made you all come back to this work:

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