#just. why. i havent seen them in so long
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dear god i dont know if i can even do this
#vague vent post#something happened today (the worst day it couldve happened)#its not serious or anything. just makes me feel like crap mentally#ughmhgh oh god why why why hwy#why must you remind me PLEASE#man im just trying to isolate in peace#i cant do this. not this year#thankfully its the last one#nobody understands the extreme urge to change my name move out to a different country act totally different and cut off everyone that ever k#knew me in the past#please do not remind me#sighhhhh okay ill text them back. eventually. i just dont know why they bother at all after all those years#they shouldnt even be trying. i did almost everything to make them forget about me#just. why. i havent seen them in so long#theres no way that the me from their memories is that worth it#maybe im just going through it today and tomorrow and those two last months and this entire next year#delete later
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"nothingburger ship" man who give a fuck let people ship who they want
#shipping discourse#shipping culture#i get so tired of hearing “they had no interaction” or “they havent interacted since x”#“but they have nothing in common and x ship is actually cannon” so whattt#i see two characters with good vibes i mash them together like dolls#who cares if theyve ever interacted#why are we hating on other people's fun#let me be clear also#this blog is#proship#idgaf who you're shipping so long as its properly tagged#ive seen a lot of talk lately about ships “winning” in canon bc they have more interactions#and its just so exhausting#nobody cares#let people enjoy things#this isnt about any fandom in particular#ive seen several different iterations of this nonsense from various fandoms#okay im done
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I cannot rely on one person for me to be happy my happiness isn't allowed to be only triggered by one person I can be happy at every little thing it doesn't matter about this one person
#im in too far fucking deep again#and when he leaves again its gonna hurt just as much. but more.#finch posts#he makes me happy beyond belief and i goddamn love having a friend who knows me inside out and has done for so long#but. your love is my drug by kesha comes to mind. its fucking intoxicating talking to him#and last time he left (we were 12 and his parents moved their family) it made me kinda depressed and i was so fucking needy to talk to him#and now we're three and a half months into rekindling the friendship and i feel the same like i get really sad already >#>if i just dont talk to him for a couple of days without like a trip or friends or smthn else to entertain me#songs are starting to remind me of him#fuck fuck fuck#1am in the morning makes me too honrst#i think im still a bit (a lot) in love with them#ohmygod i dont even think it i know it#i should go to sleep earlier#it would stop me having so many thoughts#i havent seen him in multiple years but i can still imagine kissing him#oh fucking hell fuck my actual whole fucking life#and his closest friend where he lives now well they were starting to be a bit of a thing and surely its not fucking normal>#>to daydream about kissing a girl who ive literally never seen a photo of#holy fucking hell i am such a hopeless poly bisexual#WHY DONT WE REWRITE THE STARSSSS#oh this is circling round to my suspicions i might be kinda like demi romantic??#i should buy myself flowers . wait. no. i grow flowers 🫠#well i could still buy myself flowers . and i should#i need to go to the beach#cant wait to get a proper drivers license#if youve made it this far down my crisis hi youve gotten to the stage where u can tell what songs im listening to!
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You out here hookin for cheeseburgers again Randy?
mans gotta eat.
You know how Ricky love weed so much ? That's me with food ( and weed )
I'd say I'm more like that with food than randy. While I respect Randy's love for fast food, I am more of an entrepreneur of sorts with it. ( For lack of a better word. ) It is an art craft for me as well as a general source of enjoyment and relaxation. I love breaking down the flavors and taking a moment to appreciate and acknowledge them before moving on with the experience. ( Especially if the chef is present ! )
Which is how I feel Ricky is with weed given he is a plug and a grower. Because I'm not just a feedee, I'm a cook as well 👨🍳 .
#MY FIRST TRAILER PARK BOYS REFERENCE IN MY ASK BOX I MUST CELEBRATE#my non tpb watching followers are likely confused yet intrigued by my choice of TPB gif#if you are transmasc this show is for you BTW especially if you come from the lower class#u don't even have to be grom a trailer park to understand it bc im not from one and I understand them and their ways but im Floridian so#maybe it cancles out that im not from a trailer park specifically because I feel like all of Florida is just one big trailer park maybe#that's why I love the show so much#also every trans man ever is either Ricky bubbles or Julian i dont make the rules#maybe randy#my old roomate is a transman and he acts very silumar to julian#it's great because I act like Ricky in terms of personality so we have a pretty good dynamic#I don't often make shows about personalities but you can't deny that there's a bleed over from TPB and lower class queer culture#you cannot tell me that lower class American queers especially from the South and Midwest don't relate to that show#its ok if you don't but i feel this show is massively slept on by the queer community#TEHRES A TRANS WOMAN IN THE SHOW TO#and from what i remember they dont misgender her?#remember this is a Canadian show not an American one.#I noticed most of the shows that I have to worry about bigotry popping up and giving me whiplash are American baised#ALSO U SHOULD DM ME ABT TPB I LOVE THAT SHOW !!!!!!!#also sorry for the yapping i just havent seen TPB in so long bc it's not on hulu ):#sad face
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WAIT THE LARA SU CHRONICLES IS ACTUALLY COMING OUT SOON ? FOR REAL THIS TIME ?
#HEEEEEELP#wait i just looked it up and part of it is just a reprint of mobius 25 years later... WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG TO MAKE THEN#i am curious how exactly that would be handled though because hes trying to completely separate lara su chronicles from sonic#and m25yl has sonic characters he doesnt own in it#from what ive seen knuckles is still in lara su chronicles. he just changed his name and called it a day#is he gonna do that with sonic sally etc too or is everything involving them cut out#did the original m25yl stories even have anything going on plot wise#all i remember is people sitting around talking about nothing#and sally saying sonic and tails havent talked in years and me getting sooo mad about it because no that would not happen
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Why did all my life I thought Isiaih Thomas was the mayor
isiah when he found out he wasn't on the Dream Team
#isiah: im calm bill im calm *penguin waddles away indignantly*#isiah: *remembers hes a mayor* *lightbulb* *whirls around whimsically* *ace attorney point* ILL SUE YOU#angry little man karen voice#his tantrum has captivated me#i mean it bcs is isiah this is detroit after all !#i love willard tho (the actor here) he plays harpo from the color purple & hes so cute there like#i refuse to believe hes 5'11 like hes just so tiny and cute#theres a scene in robocop where hes scuttling around for survival on all fours & he looks like a little mouse it's so cute#i cant remember nything abf the robocop movies bcs i havent seen them fully in so long#i just know my fav character from the first robocop was the hyena laugh bazooka man#and the mousey mayor from 2#my bbgirls#i dont have a type but i def have types#bcs apparenlty a lot of ppl thought this was isiah LOL#theyre both my pretty princesses thats why#ted asks#ted tumbunity things
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow
The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess. i Am complaining.#i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas.#but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now.#ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even#like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh#even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time#something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope#i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them#like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right?#but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me.#because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for#and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person.#she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything.#no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that?#so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around.#but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her#really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long.#and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time#so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully.#what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her.#either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all.#or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is.#i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her#so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.
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so nervuos for tmrw bc im seeing my cousin
#i love her so much But#Its my dads side of the family and i dont see them often at all and everything is always so awkward and#they dont know i dropped out of school and everytime my grandpa sees me he asks about school#and i havent seen him since before i Would have graduated this past may#like i would be graduated hs right now but#im not SO IF AYNYNE ASKS ABOUT IT IM GONNA LOSE ITTTT#god#hopefully my grandparents just wont be there Idk why they would bc im just going to hang w my cousin#but they tend to jumpscare me sometimes when i go out to see her#Gahhhgaaahhhhhahhaooouuoououou#i could just tell the truth bc idec about them knowing i dropped out its just embarrassing bc i lied for so long#buti just did bc when i first stopped going to school my mom told me not to tell anyone on that side of the fmaily..so..#i dont think shed care anymore either but its just been so long and ive never told them Augh#and my grandpa really wants me to go to college which i straight up just dont wanna do. not rn at least#and id need to get my ged first which ive been procrastinating on the entiire year Oopsies#my aunt always tells me not to listen to him thoughand that i dont have to go to college if i dont want to i am grateful for her..#shes always protective of me from him LOL i love my grandpa and he means well and stuff but#he will just say anything#and he always makes me cry in public or at family gatherings bc he starts talking to me about my dad#i knowppl just aska bout like school and plans for the future and stuff bc they care but i wish they wouldnt bc i do not know anything#i dont know a single thing about how my future is going to go or what i even want it to be or how im going to live and its stressful enough#already when im not being interrogated about it#Like lets just talk about something else. Lets talk about enstars#Isnt it crazy that shinobu has gone going on 15 months without a new 5*?..i think its a little crazy and i miss him
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Nothing against low level jobs really, but one of our engineering techs was only a food service worker before this. Like an associates does something for you (don't know if that's what he has even he may be a student) I guess, but no wonder these guys aren't ready for engineering.
#totes bro#its.......a long term investment#i now know that these guys are techs because he said he was an engineer#what i do isnt hard and i guess theyre only supposed to assist but i havent seen any of them assist so idk what they do#i dont think we had engineering techs before i think it is just desperation#they're also not young#so schooling has left the brain a little#i know this sounds bad but they keep asking for me to teach them a thing and they stay at my desk for an hour#and god knows they like .....dont understand really basic technical concepts#and tbqh i do not have time for this#so now i know why I'm the favorite and the only one working. the other engineers have also complained about the new recruits#like you say 'lipids' and they dont know what you mean its just like extremely frustrating when theyre supposed to be#doing exactly what you do on more simple projects#but they absolutely cannot do that. like i get not being able to understand a super large system but they cant get like what fittings used#its frustrating because engineering isnt always low stakes#its not high stakes but a mistake can shut down a highway (happened recently)#ALSO the least qualified people always call themselves engineers#also i just changed from mechanical to civil engineering it is new for me#its still fluids somewhat which is what i was doing
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#sorry to every recent follower who's seen my nonsense thus far#anyways this time its going in the tags so. vent warning#mfw i will never fit in with any circle im in and dont match their energy in the right way#i like what they like but not in the right way#dont communicate in the right way. dont interact in the right way#dont enjoy certain things they all seem to like#incapable of doing anything right. incapable of connecting to anybody. one such reason why i need to be taken out back and shot#end my pitiful life now because i will never fucking be able to interact with other people normally#i am convinced there is nothing that can be done about it#i need to be put out of my misery#i cant reach out cant talk to them cant ask to be included. ill annoy them. then i wont have anyone in my circle at all.#sure i might seem fun but im only good in small doses. no one would want to be around me too long.#i get boring. i get annoying. my jokes all fall flat#im only good when im being as likeable and funny and entertaining as i can be#i dont belong in any conversation. if i talk im just an interruption. if i talk about what im up to then im just being annoying#annoying people get blocked right? its only a matter of time till they figure out you're one of those.#im not fun to be around its just that simple. thats why no one wants to talk to me. no one seeks me out. not that i blame them#why would they i havent given anyone a reason to#i might as well not be here. its just like school was. i dont exist to anybody. there is plexiglass between me and the world#ok i need to stop now#its my fault anyways
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:/
#not that it's a competition or whatever#(i havent seen the phrase opression olympics for a while lol)#but its a little disheartening to see so much about transwomen nonstop and absolutely no mention of transmen#like yeah yeah trans and nonbinary and genderfluid and whatever but ONLY as long as it's more femme than masc#and it just.... feels kind of lonely#where are all the trans men#where's the celebration and concern and consistent fucking mentioning of them?#it feels like the continuation of misogyny and underhanded terf rhetoric where trans men don't count bc theyre just#little ladies underneath it all#like they're not a threat bc theyre not really men#and they're not really in danger bc everyone knows they're not ACTUAL men and no one wants to hurt a woman!!!!#and do these people actually care about trans people or is it just trans women?#is it actually about equality and protecting all people or is it just about women again?#uwu dainty sweet women who are inherently better in every way biological essentialism again#and who would WANT to be a man lol why should we even care about trans men they're betraying womanhood by#becoming one of those men beasts#whatever whatever like i said at the start it's not a competition im so happy for all the trans women out there#it just feels a little lonely for trans guys you feel?#and i have so much more i want to say but whatever I'm being enough of a bummer
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40 mil is the highest points i've had for gw ever tbh so i am proud of myself so far <3 also !! almost rank 175 >;D
anyways hi just small update/rambles uhm. i've been more productive w school but also school ew !!! and 6.3 is so fucking soon holy shit i am not ready at all & i hope this week i can finally start omori and/or p4g <33
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#still obsessed w p5. ALSO mcr music is so slay AND uh yeah that's mostly it. rlly obsessed w buncha kinds of rock music rn#i looooove rock <3 rock and orchestra are my favorite genres (i'm kinda into all kinds of music tho fr!) hehe <33#i love my fire team now tbh. like. nemone & athena together is perfect imo and i'm glad i realized that a long time ago already#but woa me w having both michael and percival is absolutely amazing hehe#arghhhhhhh ... i wna play nier vv badly but i need to wait for lune yeah ? but anyways in reincarnation i have all the automata characters#which i'm vv glad about >;)) 9s refused to come home months ago but now he has and heheheheh i love him#tbh it's so hard to manage my time now bcs on saturdays i'm busy and then sundays should be my rest but we often go out as rest ??#and i like it but also my gaming time and writing time and whatever time is lowkey a big Rest In Peace <//3#I LOV MY FRIENDS but i haven't properly talked to. quite literally ANYONE for a bit now i'm so sorry#unless they approach me first somewhere that isnt social media of any sort or i've seen them irl bcs of school or yk my family or class#ive fixed my sched quite a lot but also there's still a lot to improve !! by the end of january i hope that i'm happy w my sched then <3#okay small update OVER !! today was a pretty good day so far tbh uh. like bad shit happened but strangely i'm all okay !! <33#like uhh ive been a bit more active in class and actually reciting more! i am usually vv shy and only just comment my answers if ever#BUT YEAH !!! and there was smth that was supposed to happen and my class forgot so i reminded them. and we're like 30 in class#okay rambles OVER !! im anxious still to open my notifs sorry i cant explain why bcs idk how but yeah. uh. if you want to contact me#for anything IDK HOW YOU SHOULD TBH. SORRY. but yeah !!! probably ask for my sideblog for mutuals ??#but tbh i havent checked that in a bit too and just ramble sometimes. SORRY......
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Was going to do some oni file digging but got too distracted playing the actual video game. Anyways look at her <3
#rat rambles#oni posting#her icon does not do her justice she is so fucking cute#I fucking adore her#anyways ny thoughts on the new dlc are mostly positive so far although I do have some nitpicks#now to be clear to the fellow lore enjoyers in chat this is a fairly log light dlc unfortunately#which doesnt suprise me since god knows they don't like talking abt dupes too directly in the logs and this dlc is all abt the bionic dupes#which I see as a positive thing generally but I do wish there was a smidgen bit more to justify why they can be printed now#just an extra my log at the start that says woah I found some fancy robo guys in my printing database would have been nice#but other than that I do like the continuing tensions between gravitas and the vexus institute brewing#and I also like the pronoun confirmation on jackie's probably mom I'm glad we're seeing more of her#Im also glad theyve so far had jackie say jack shit abt her probably mom and her going ons I hope it mostly stays that way#I'm open to getting some of jackies words on the family drama but I want it to be shown not told#so like idk. maybe a conversation between them or smth. and keep it vague and up to interpretation#I like my jackie characterization hard to find and unpack#as for the actual gamplay stuff Im definitely enjoying the different playstyle of the bionic dupes a lot so far#I havent gotten far enough into my test run to rly know how they feel in long term colonies but they are quite fun so far#I like how they add some pretty strong early game benefits while also adding a pretty important early research racing#I also enjoy their oxygen tanks but I have noticed that they tend to chose weird and sometimes extremely inconvenient places to refill#I don't think I rly understand their logic for chosing spots yet but I thinkkkk they might be trying to chose somewhere away from general#living areas? I could be wrong though I have seen them recharge directly by cots before but maybe its based on the pod location idk#but yeah this is me screaming at ulti to stop recharging by a tiny spec of oxygen surrounded by slimelung infested polluted oxygen#so basically sending them out to germy or unbreathable environments is theoretically safe most of the time but it's not as safe as a suit#that combined with their adverse reactions to liquid and extreme temperatures does still leave need for athmosuits#which is a good thing to be clear#in theory this also means that oxygen masks can still be of use to a bionic dupe even if it isnt necessary#especially if theyre making large transit that risks them running out of oxygen and trying to refill inside an contaminated area#but yeah if I had one complaint abt the bionic dupes it would be that I wish there were a few more#I get not wanting to bloat the dupe count but you can and will see duplicates within the early game#there isn't a lot of variety with them which makes bionic dupe heavy colonies feel less appealing to me
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finally decided to start watching s2e17 of ii
#wheucto#wheucto speaks#there are spoilers in the tags for like 17 and 18. not much since i havent actually seen those (at least not much) but beware#i am about to implode!#(not because of any opinion i have of the finale so far i just started watching it)#why did i start watching now? i was hearing Things about the finale (not really much spoilers_ just that the note 17 left wasn't a happy -#- note [since it seems to be the darkest hour. yknow. general 3-act stuff] and that people weren't really sure it was the last episode)#and i remember thinking “either i don't watch until act 3 comes out or until it's been long enough to know act 2 was the last episode”#i also have a tendency to do this with ii episodes_ i'll wait a couple of days to watch it#in the case of the ii s3 finale i literally only watched it because s2e15 came out#i dont really do this with other shows? and by other shows i mean BFDI i can't think of any other i watch regularly like II#well not regularly . yknow what i mean. to watch to completion like that ?#anyways another reason i didn't was probably bc of not knowing anything about the finale#yknow. didnt want it to end on a bad note but especially not something that like takes away the characters'... whats the word... agency tha#'s it. i think it would have felt weird to me if the ending was like everyone dying or smth in a way that interferes with that#but i feel slightly reassured since the characters do seem to come back to life i think from what i've heard#so yay!!!#i think hearing some mild spoilers about the ending of ii did help me mentally prepare for watching the finale#getting spoilers doesn't necessarily have to ruin your show-watching experience. i dont think id like having it all spoiled but having some#spoilers don't really hurt me_ and sometimes actually helps me in the experience (as in. gets me to actually watch something or lets me wat#-h without like... worrying about something needlessly? or at least maybe its like a detriment to my watching experience)#i dont really like all the suspense. some is good but sometimes i cant handle it or dont want to so a little spoilers helps me have my mind#- at ease yknow? i do remember as a kid id be worried about possibilities (like quite worried) that authors don't tend to do (because it'd#- be a bummer) and it hindered my enjoyment of shows then. obviously now i know shows dont tend to do stuff like that so i reassure myself#- “they probably won't die_ fail_ etc. they'll win in the end” (obviously not all shows but like kids shows and that stuff probably)#i think with most shows i could handle that possibility but i think i'm more attached to ii so_ while i could probably handle that_ it woul#like... be harder for me to like watch and handle and that stuff#anyways enough rambling on about that! wow they really ARE his OCs aren't they /JOK#(i don't actually believe they are his OCs_ since that removes their agency and i Dont Like That and i think that goes against II's themes_#but WOW drawing the ideas of them on paper... that's so OC-creator core of you mephone)
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Something has been eating the food I set near the live trap but not going in. I'm going up to the city tomorrow as soon as I wake up to pick up a trail cam so I can set it up and see if it's her. I pray it is. Bc I haven't seen her at all since the night before last. Please god I can't take losing Ms Patience please don't do this to me.
#im not giving up hope. its only been five days. i know cats are terrarorial. i dont think she would leave. but idk why she refuses to come#to me. and on one hand im scared that me approaching her and trying to call her to me scared her away bc#she spent the first two days under our house and then left when i tried to catch her#she was in the ruined house night before last and i tried to call her and i havent seen her since#i just PRAY PRAY PRAY that the trail cam shows shes still in the ruined house and that shes not wandered off. pls god.#five days is longer than shes ever been gone before but in the grand scheme of things thats not that long to be honest#googling other peoples stories seems to show thats fairly normal#and i mean i KNOW patience is terratorial#she once tried to run outside to run off my grandfather's cat#i know she believes this is her territory#surely she wont abandon it#my concern is thet my grandparents cat DOES come over here.... but hes very sweet i hope he wouldnt run patience off#also the damn possums and raccoons. i shouldnt have put out food the first two nights all it did was attract the wildlife and possibly scare#ms patience :( i feel like ive made so many mistakes the past few days please god please Jesus dont let them have cost me my beloved
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