#I noticed most of the shows that I have to worry about bigotry popping up and giving me whiplash are American baised

[omgcatboi]

You out here hookin for cheeseburgers again Randy?

mans gotta eat.

You know how Ricky love weed so much ? That's me with food ( and weed )

I'd say I'm more like that with food than randy. While I respect Randy's love for fast food, I am more of an entrepreneur of sorts with it. ( For lack of a better word. ) It is an art craft for me as well as a general source of enjoyment and relaxation. I love breaking down the flavors and taking a moment to appreciate and acknowledge them before moving on with the experience. ( Especially if the chef is present ! )

Which is how I feel Ricky is with weed given he is a plug and a grower. Because I'm not just a feedee, I'm a cook as well 👨‍🍳 .

[georgia-black-hat-society]

Saturday: Sigils and Symbols: Shadow Work

There has been great talk of Shadow lately. Shadow-Self or Unconscious Self, Community-Shadow or Social Unconsciousness and World Shadow or Collective Shadow are actually ALL being talked about in different circles. For the purpose of Individual Sigil Work, I will only speak of Personal Shadow/Shadow-Self for this article. 

What is Shadow Work?

It begins with seeing and/or understanding an action, thought or emotion, that indicates how we internally perceive ourselves. It can be something as a perception of being weak or in pain – that we feel the need to hide that part of ourselves. Carl Jung believed in the integration of the Shadow side so that our full Self is acknowledged. When we do this, we can live in a balanced way to our fullest human potential, standing in our own power as Practitioners.

Shadow Work is when you face the side of yourself you do not want to acknowledge – your fears, sexual identity, hatred, abandonment, bigotry, that part of your Self that feels wrong or bad. Your Shadow is also comprised of the qualities within you that you project onto others when you feel that burning dissonance of hating someone but relating to them. It is when you are rude or inconsiderate to those around you because others were rude and inconsiderate to you. It is all around the lack of accountability for the emotions you are feeling and by proxy, making others feel too, such as children. With Shadow Work, you confront that Self and you become a whole person by integrating it into you and dealing with those aspects in a healthy way.

It is not recommended that you go this alone. This is especially true if you have some unresolved trauma in your life that you are having trouble facing. i.e. being abused as a child, spouse, significant other. PTSD from war or severe accidents. From being neglected as a child and not having the proper support through crucial “Ages and Stages”. Or, you just simply have this “nagging feeling” about something that feels “wrong” or “dirty” or “bad” and you need help uncovering it. i.e. “Family Secrets”.

You should seek out a licensed therapist or counselor for the harrowing roller coaster of trauma navigation. Once on the other side of that and you feel comfortable, there are groups like Integral Transformative Bodywork that will be available to you so that you can continue your journey of Self Discovery. 

How do you practice Shadow Work?

It is a deeply personal process. Many Practitioners have different processes by which they achieve gnosis for Sigil Work. Sometimes you just need a friend or significant other to hold the “Verbal Vomit Bucket” for you. Sometimes you need a little more and that may require licensed/experiencel outside help to navigate the noise inside your head or Spirit. Peter J. Carroll in “Liber Kaos” says, “One of the greatest difficulties of contemporary physical and magical theories is the failure of visual analogy: one simply cannot form a mental image of many of the required concepts.” 

To Sigilize and Charge, a Practitioner achieves gnosis in Magickal Works. One must be able to quiet the distractions of the mind. Having quelled the mind, allows Spirit Self to focus on the task at hand and not laundry, or tire rotation, or school, or a plethora of other life activities. 

Although there are two more levels to Shadow, most times one is typically faced with the task of Ego, or “Self” in Personal Shadow. 

Two good ways to begin working with Shadow, without “digging in the dirt”, are Mindfulness and what we like to call “The Ego Challenge”. 

Mindfulness is easily found being practiced in our world right now. There is even “an app for that”. You may begin practicing it by practicing being in the NOW, not dwell on the spilt milk from yesterday the cats already licked up. Not by worrying about tomorrow which you cannot control. BE. IN. THE. NOW.  You can also “take the Challenge”.

How to Practice Mindfulness: 

Make sure you are not hungry, or tired.

(You will just take a nap! That is NOT Mindfulness.)

Have a seat. Find a place to sit that feels calm and quiet to you. Your bathroom. Your car - parked! The backyard.

#TIME: Set a time limit. If you are just beginning, it helps to choose a short time, such as 5 or 10 minutes.Just do this in the beginning. As you progress, 15 minutes will do wonders for you practice.

#BODY: Notice your body. Are you warm? Does anything hurt? Can you feel your “sits bones” on the surface you are sitting? What about your back? Are you slouching? Is head over heart, heart over pelvis? Where are your hands? How comfortable is your body?

#BREATH: Feel your breath. When you inhale, does your chest rise or does your stomach fill out in “puppy belly”? (This can indicate where you hold your tension too.) Do you inhale naturally through your mouth - or your nose? Is your exhale longer than your inhale or visa versa? Is it hard to catch your breath? Inhale. Exhale. Slowly. Count if you must, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

#MIND: Close your eyes if you can. Notice when your mind has wandered. Is there something you keep drifting to? Is there something “old” that keeps popping in your Mind’s Eye? Are you noticing outside sounds? Focus here on what comes to you. Often the Divine shows you “pictures” of things to address or acknowledge. Do that. 

#MINDFULNESS: Be kind to your wandering mind. It is often tired at the beginning of this journey of Self-Discovery. Let the thoughts pass as if clouds passing through the sky of your mind. Acknowledge them. Take another breath. Continue to let thought drift. Your subconscious will begin speaking to you and show you “where” it needs work or a place where you are not looking, acknowledging. Let it. Keep your time, it is a promise to yourself. It is Self-Love. 

How to do the “Ego Challenge”:

This is simple in explanation but difficult in execution. It is suggested to have a “partner” to monitor your words as some of our speech is so ingrained in our everyday venacular it is often overlooked. Attempt to go ONE DAY, twenty four hours, without using “me”, “I”, “my” or “mine”. That is it, good luck.

The lesson is not to learn how to speak without these words but to recognize how often the Ego is in control. Ego is important as an evolved Practitioner, but no one part of you, additive or subtractive, should be your sole guiding star. To move too far in any one direction is to lose balance. And as Practitioners of any Art is to find balance, to face Shadow.

[lovin-momma]

Wrapped Around My Finger

They had been playing this game since 537 A.D. Crowley would find Aziraphale and propose an exchange of favors. Nothing large, small temptations or miracles. Nothing that might be noticed by upper and lower management. He'd even managed to convince Aziraphale to do a few of them. The problem was when Aziraphale finally figured out if he gave just the slightest sad puppy face Crowley would do something in exchange. All the meetings happen in the pub Ye Old Fighting Cocks. One of the oldest pubs in England it was presumably named because of them around 793 AD; though it was rebuilt in the 11th century.

--------------------

1096 AD - Beginning of First Crusade  

“Peter the hermit, you know him angel?” Crowley nods as the angel sits at the bar.

“Ah, yes. He's the leaders of People’s Crusade. I'm supposed to help him.”

“Figured, I'm supposed to tempt him. Don't suppose I can talk you into doing both?” Crowley as with a slight till if his head. Possibly watching for the signs of resistance he knows are coming.

“Crowley, you know I'm not working with you. Honestly, will you never learn,” the angel asks with a soft shake of his head.

“I really didn't want to head out now. They're opening Oxford and I wanted to go see it off,” Aziraphale says with a sad look on his face.

Crowley almost visibly crumbles under the gaze, “I suppose I could go and give it a small blessing. Especially if you did manage to get both done.”

Aziraphale’s smile is like the sun bursting out from behind a dark cloud; Crowley has to try not to gasp from the sheer beauty of it. “Would you? That would be perfect!”

1148 AD – During the Second Crusade

“I’ve got to tempt the Crusaders again. You’d think they’d just let them be vile on their own,” Crowley said as he leaned against the bar next to the angel.

“You would. I have to go and bless the city of Damascus,” he replies. “Want to come have a drink and we can talk about it?”

“I’ll always enjoy a drink,” Crowley replies.  

A few weeks later – same bar.

“How’d the temptation go?”

Aziraphale jumps slightly, “Oh, just fine I suppose. Not that the raid was successful, what with me blessing the city.”

As he looks at Crowley, he gets that sad face Crowley cannot resist.

Crowley gets his drink and begins to sip on it, “Well, we tried. So, I got you something while you were out.”

The sun comes back out, “Oh, really, my dear you didn’t have to.”

“I know, but did you know Anna Komnene finished her father’s biography,” Crowley asks watching Aziraphale’s face intently.

“Oh, I’ll never get one signed now. And after I tried so hard to get her to write it,” the sun disappears again. Although it seems to be poking out from behind the clouds as if it’s hopeful there’s a rainbow coming.

“I wouldn’t let you down, I stopped by and managed to conjure a duplicate copy and she wrote you a letter on the inside cover,” Crowley grins because he knows the smile is about to erupt and fill the whole room.

What Crowley didn’t expect was the vice like hug he was suddenly pulled into before they both noticed and then Aziraphale stepped back as if he’d been burned.  Crowley figure he’d do most anything to try and make it happen again; it wouldn’t for several more centuries.

1190 AD – During the Third Crusade

“Seeing as you’ve beat me here, I guess we both have work in similar parts of the world,” Azirapahel asked before he even sat down.

“Seems like it. I’ve ordered a round of fresh bread and soup and a bottle of wine,” Crowley said gesturing towards the bar.  

“I’m supposed to bless Richard as he goes off in the Cusades,”Aziraphale gushes.  

“I’m supposed to tempt a different Richard to indulge in his bigotry,” Crowley said, almost glumly. Crowley had been noticing that Aziraphale enjoyed making him happier. Just as he sought out chances to make his angel happy.

Aziraphale started to reach across the table and caught himself by resting his arm on the edge, “Well, I suppose I could do both. Might you pop off to Germany for a book?”

Crowley almost glows, “You know I don’t do books angel.”

“Ah, yes, I just thought if I did both of the jobs here you might fancy a stroll abroad,” Aziraphale says letting the pout show only in his eyes.  

“Oh, all right. Book huh? Anything good?”

“No, just a bit of religious bigotry bound to make religious orders abound.”

1202 AD – During the Fourth Crusade

“How goes the evening,” Crowley asks watching the angel’s downcast face.

“I’m supposed to save the King’s mother. Not sure how I’ll manage it,”Aziraphale says.

“Well, how about I take your blessing since I’m tempting the man holding her hostage,” Crowley says almost hopefully. “Then you might be able to sneak off to Pisa. Leonardo might be close to finishing his Liber Abaci.”

Aziraphale beams, “It’s been a while since you’ve done the blessing and tempting. I think I would like to go down to Pisa, it’s beautiful this time of year.”

1228 AD – Beginning of the Sixth Crusade

Crowley almost coils down into the chair, “Evening angel.”

“Hello, dear. Any new temptations? I’m blessing the new King of Jerusalem,” Aziraphale says with a hint of hope.  

“Fancy that, I’m supposed to tempt him into starting the next crusade. Any chance I can talk you into it?”

“No, I’m going straight from the blessing to Rome. My friend Francis of Assisi might become a saint,” his angel replies with ferocity.

“Oh, I liked him. You two were rather fond of each other. He always liked animals which I found delightful,” Crowley practically cooed. “I wouldn’t mind him being a Saint either. I’ll make it happen; don’t you worry about it.”

Aziraphale almost jumped up in his joy. As it was his hands brushed Crowley’s, the silence was instantaneous.

1252 – During the Seventh Crusade

“Angel,” Crowley almost shouts, “They’ve listened and have wine in the cellar now!”

“My dear, how many bottles have you had? Oh, never mind, pour me a glass,” Aziraphale slumps into his chair.

“A fair few, I don’t want to go to Rome,” Crowley says sadly.

“I’m heading to Lombardy; I could pop down there while I'm at it. Who are you tempting?”

“The Pope,” Crowley croons and drowns himself in another glass.  

“Oh, yes that might be hard. I suppose I could suggest harsher tactics for heresy. I mean the angels are waiting for the end of the world after all,” Aziraphale says softly finishing half a bottle without thinking.  

“Would you? It’s not really my sort of temptation really. If you fancy it I can get that new Japanese book Jikkunsho for you. Seems the moral lessons might come in handy sometime.”

Aziraphale makes sure to beam at his demon, it’s not a book he’d have picked, then again, he hadn’t started to really collect books until Crowley started to collect them for him. “I can hardly wait.”

1270 AD – Seventh Crusade

Crowley walks towards his angel noticing a slight pout on his face, “Something got you down?”

“Ah, I wasn’t expecting you so soon. Well, I'm on leave for ‘exceptional performance’ or so they say,” Crowley chooses the chair next to Aziraphale instead of the one opposite. Aziraphale brightens at the nearness.

“Yes, seems I am too. Odd we got a break at the same time,” Aziraphale replied.  

“How about a Roman holiday? Well, near enough anyhow,” Crowley suggested hopefully.

“Italy? Now? What could be happening there?”

“Since I know you like rare first editions, I thought we’d tuck down to Capua and get the first translation of the Directorium Vitae Humanae.”

“My dear, that sounds marvelous,” Aziraphale finally started to beam again.

1272 AD – During the Ninth Crusade

“I’m staying in town this time Zira,” Crowley said as he sat next to tha angel.

“Me too, I’m blessing the new King,” Aziraphale says lightly.

“Coincidence, I’m tempting the new king,” Crowley says.

Aziraphale pouts.

“What’s wrong angel?”

“If we’re both dealing with the king then no one will remember cricket. Seems sad to lose such a simple game,” Aziraphale says sadly, with just a hint of pout in his eyes.

“Alright, angel, you tempt him and I’ll make sure your silly game makes it through this century,” Crowley says and then beams himself when Aziraphale starts to glow.

That is how Aziraphale and Crowley wrapped each other around their fingers.  

@dykeiel Here it is, I finally finished!

[kathummels-blog]

SPOTIFY PLAYLIST: KAT HUMMEL (♫)

1. FEELINGS - HAYLEY KIYOKO

I’m kicking the playlist off loud and proud, by honoring one of the most inspirational out artists currently in the industry. I have so much respect for Hayley for being brave enough to sing about the women she loves, even if society would rather she didn’t.

2. DELIVER - FIFTH HARMONY

I included this song because I love the aesthetics of the music video, and to show some love to a fellow girl group... well, a former one. Don’t worry, Sirens, we aren’t going anywhere.

3.  DEFYING GRAVITY - SUTTON FOSTER/RACHEL TUCKER

(Could I not put this song on here???? Anyway, Kat would probs prefer Sutton but like, Rachel Tucker. Prepare to die when you hear the key change and the ending riffs tbh)

4. FIRST BURN - THE ELIZAS OF HAMILTON

This song combines everything I love: scorned women, pop musical theatre, crazy riffs, and mind-numbing belting.

5. JOANNE - LADY GAGA

(This song is by one of Kat’s idols, but it always makes her shed a tear for her mom.)

6. DANCE IN THE DARK - LADY GAGA

I love this song because of it’s killer bassline and chord progression. I also think of this song as something empowering, even though I know it’s not meant that way. I personally like dancing in the dark and the sense of reckless abandon it gives me. I love the shoutouts to so many idols gone too soon. Find your freedom in the music~ (Deep rooted, but this song also could refer to Kat’s insecurities about finding someone who will love her for exactly who she is.)

7. SOMEDAY - THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME OBC

My hope that we can all find a better world, one not fueled by hate and bigotry, beautifully sung by Cierra Renee. May we all help to create that world someday.

8. STAND BY ME - FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

I’m dedicating this one to my girls on tour. I love them all so much. 

9. DRUMMING SONG - FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

(The first of several very meta songs, mostly because Florence is what I listen to in order to get my Kat muse going. Drumming Song is very obviously about anyone Kat has a crush on, but noticably about how she never reveals her romantic feelings, just keeps them all in her head. Looking at you, Norah.)

10. WHAT THE WATER GAVE ME - FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

(Another song I use to get into Kat’s headspace. I don’t think she’d ever seen the ocean until she went on tour, and I think she sees it as a source of healing and inspiration for her designs, even if she gets sunburnt very easily.)

11. HOW BIG, HOW BLUE, HOW BEAUTIFUL - FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

The first time I heard this song, I thought about what it’s like to be on tour. All of the beautiful cities, all of the incredible fans I’ve met... big, blue, and beautiful. Or maybe I’m talking about the Genie from Aladdin.

12. HUNGER - FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

I’m including this song because I’d love to cover it. From the moment this was released, I’ve had it basically on repeat. I’m not sure what’s more addicting-- the double meaning of the lyrics, or the hook.

13. PRAYING - KESHA

I’ve always been incredibly vocal of my support of Kesha and her incredible talent, and I’m including this song as a reminder that the bullies always get what’s coming to them in the end.

14. NEW YORK STATE OF MIND - THE SIRENS

Doesn’t my sister have an incredible voice?

15. FOUND/TONIGHT - BEN PLATT AND LIN MANUEL MIRANDA

I love a good mashup, and I love that this song was able to take two such influential musicals and put them together. Plus, Ben Platt’s voice doesn’t hurt, either.

16. FLIGHT - SUTTON FOSTER AND MEGAN MCGINNIS

This is my very public way of asking-- Marley, will you duet this song with me sometime? I’ve always thought of Marley when I hear this one. mostly because their voices are both so angelic, but also because it reminds me of our childhood. There’s something so innocent and sweet about the lyrics-- let me run through a field in the night. I think of lying out with Marley in my childhood backyard, counting the stars and watching the clouds go by.

17. WHEN THE EARTH STOPPED TURNING - CAROLEE CARMELLO

(Another love letter to her mom, Kat thinks this was written for her specifically.)

18. DIAMOND HEART - LADY GAGA

(If Kat had to describe herself in a song, she’d use parts of this and parts of Monster. Sometimes, she feels like she’s putting on the horse and pony show even when all she wants to do is scream, but she doesn’t think she’s a bad person.)

19. YOU WILL BE FOUND - DEAR EVAN HANSEN OBC

I know I already included half of this song in my playlist, but I so desperately wish this song had been around when I was in high school. I play this song nearly all the time to remind myself that no matter what, there’s someone to reach out to, there’s someone to be kind to, and there’s someone who needs to be found.

20. FROM NOW ON - HUGH JACKMAN

My favorite song from the Greatest Showman, I could listen to this for three years on repeat. This song always makes me think of my father.

21. I’D RATHER BE ME - MEAN GIRLS OBC

Janis Ian was my first girl crush, and Barrett Weed has continued the tradition. I was a Janis in high school, and this is a giant “screw you” song that I’d love to sing to some people I went to school with.

22. MONSTER - FROZEN OBC

(A song of how Kat sees herself. Part of her is scared that the bullies were right about her.)

23. POMEGRANATE - THE SIRENS

(Is it vain of her to include the only song on the album she solos on? Oops.)

24. BLUEBIRD - SARA BAREILLES

I’ve always had this song on repeat whenever I feel insecure. It’s so simple, both in the piano part and in the lyrics, but it’s truly beautiful in what it does and what it says. Gather your strength and rise up. 

[traitor-boyfriend]

why do you think kyman is so popular? (ew)

okay so this has been sitting in my inbox for about a week or so now and i really just need to answer it and get it over with. really i think this is the most i’m ever going to say at length about kyman so here we go. also i’ve been drinking a little so i apologize in advance if my thoughts aren’t as cohesive as they could be lmao

to answer the initial question, i honestly have no idea. i have a few theories, but no real concrete answer as to why kyman as a ship is so popular; i’m speaking as someone who has had an intimate awareness of this fandom from the time i was ten, which is literally half of my life. i can’t recall kyman being a big ship, or even one of the more common rare-pairs 10 years ago – back then the major ships were style, creek, and k2 (almost pretty much in that order). 

kyman, as i know it and have observed it since i’ve re-familiarized myself with the show and its fandom, is more a development that’s largely happened within the past five years and i think the main contributor to this is that, within that same time period, there’s been a noticeable shift with how kyle and cartman’s dynamic has been written; in the beginning seasons, kyle and cartman are shown to equally despise each other. the cartman of seasons 1-4 isn’t exactly the cartman we know now – he started off as kind of a stereotypical fat little neighborhood bully, but he’s always been narcissistic, racist, selfish etc. just not to the same extent he is now. and back then, kyle and cartman interact as enemies would; they argue and fight constantly, openly express their disdain for each other to anyone who will listen, and actively conspire against the other. kyle and cartman were direct foils to each other. 

this has changed in the recent past. cartman and kyle aren’t really considered enemies anymore, but instead as rivals which i think is an important thing to note. now, they’re even occasionally on the same side of a conflict or event (such as tfbw). there has been a lot of focus in the past five or six seasons in the ways kyle and cartman are similar; they’re both temperamental and very angry people, incredibly competitive, both very driven and committed when they set their mind to something. kyle, to a lesser degree, also shares one of cartman’s worst traits; they’re both over-reactive and allow themselves to think the world is out to get them. obviously – and i cannot stress this enough – kyle has in no way the victim complex cartman has, but it is there nonetheless. the running theme with season 21 has been self-victimization, and while i don’t entirely agree with their idea that the potential destructive effects of habitual othering and alienation is, like, a concept of personal responsibility or individual desire to be a victim, other than heidi, kyle is a great example of this. for the last three seasons kyle has been the whipping boy in that no one wants his speeches, no one wants his moral lesson; no one wants his opinion. and kyle indirectly and without meaning to spearheads canada being bombed because he allows his emotions to dictate his action. there’s too many instances of cartman doing this exact thing with obvious malicious intent, but “the list” is another notable episode where kyle does the same thing; he feels slighted and estranged when everyone thinks he’s ugly, and instead of listening to reason from either stan or abraham lincoln, he decides the best choice of action is to burn down the school. my point is, kyle and cartman share quite a few personality traits and their interactions in recent seasons tend to highlight and expand on this rather than to treat them as divisive, opposite characters.

they’ve done a lot more as well to show that kyle, unlike his very early characterization in-series where he couldn’t give less of a shit if cartman died, now cares for him on – at the very least– a humanistic level. whereas kenny and stan are still mostly indifferent to cartman and what happens to him, kyle now often objects to directly conspiring to hurt or let cartman put himself in danger, even if he still despises him as a person. this started around season 8 or so with “up the down steroid” and i think this quote from kyle when he goes to cartman’s house best sums up what i’m talking about:

“I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but… this time I think you really need to reconsider. Because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you’re doing, and to put a stop to it.”

kyle’s constant drive to put a stop to cartman’s increasingly deranged and morally depraved antics are largely driven by a dedication to his ethics, yes, but this also shows that kyle does consider cartman a friend and objects to his behavior as such because he cares about what happens to him despite kyle routinely being repulsed and disgusted by who cartman is. he also is the only one to initially object to destroying cartman’s stuff in season 20, even though kyle is cartman’s most vocal and frequent critic, and is also shown to feel an inordinate amount of guilt than the other boys comparatively; this is a combination of kyle’s generally guilty personality as well as remorse for having done something to hurt a friend. there’s also the jewpacabra episode where, even after being pathologically belittled again for the millionth time on the basis of his being jewish by cartman, kyle still goes out in the middle of the night to unchain cartman, take him home, and put him in his bed. i worry this is beginning to sound like rationalization or even evidence on the kyman ship’s behalf that kyle has feelings for cartman in anyway, because it isn’t; it’s just elaboration on kyle’s character. kyle is a very sympathetic person, and that extends even to someone who he doesn’t like. there are plenty of examples of kyle being absolutely thrilled to see cartman be delivered a comeuppance or get the shit kicked out of him or be proven wrong, and more often than not, kyle genuinely hates cartman – there just are not as many recent examples, which is the time-frame i’m trying to stick to while talking about this ship.

there’s a lot to be said of cartman as a character. like, a lot. he’s incredibly complex, and while it makes him interesting as a character study, it makes him insufferable to watch. he’s always been terrible. that’s his appeal, i think, and what makes him so popular. cartman is the complete and utter embodiment of human id; he has no sense of the world outside himself, no remorse, and acts consistently in his own self-interest with little to deter him. and part of it is satisfying sometimes to see just how far cartman is willing to denigrate himself and others in pursuit of what he wants, because it’s that same morbid desire a normal person might occasionally feel but suppresses because of their conscience – something cartman does not have. 

i’d argue, given the inherent chaos and destruction and amorality the universe of south park exists in, that all of the main boys are traumatized to varying degrees. but i don’t think it’s all that controversial to say cartman exhibits the most outward signs of childhood trauma. plenty of people much more observant and intelligent than myself i’m sure have written about this before so i’m going to keep it brief, but a lot of cartman’s behavior can be explained this way. there’s been a few allusions to his having been sexually abused, inappropriate sexual contact with family members, the fact that he wets his bed or cries at night b/c he doesn’t have a dad are all things we learn when he can’t control what he says in “le petit tourette.” his physical and verbal aggression, emotionality, distrust of others, conniving behavior etc. are all common symptoms of adverse childhood experiences. he’s controlling and insecure, and cartman thrives off any and all attention – positive, which he often gets from his mother, or negative, which is usually provided by literally everyone else, especially kyle, which is what i think makes him so infatuated with kyle in that he’s an easy, reliable source to match his own aggression, to feed that desire for attention. unlike what a lot of kyman shippers think, it’s pretty obvious that this is why he goes to such lengths to save kyle in “smug alert”. butters doesn’t fight or push back against cartman the way he does, therefore cartman isn’t receiving the attention or reaction he wants.

there’s also the matter of cartman’s racism and anti-semitism. and to deny that cartman does not possess genuine confidence in his own deluded beliefs, or to excuse it b/c of his age is a major cop-out. he’s had moments where his racial hatred is founded in classic white-supremacist talking points, so he clearly espouses this shit of his own volition. because he’s attracted to power cartman idolizes conservative christian figureheads in pop culture (mel gibson ring a bell to anyone) and authoritarian dictators, of which racism is often a major component of such ideology, and this only emboldens his bigotry. there’s a couple instances in the very early seasons (i’m talking, like, pretty much exclusively 1 and 2) where cartman alludes to his racist tendencies stemming from liane, but i don’t really consider it fair to cling to that as a canonical source b/c one, it’s almost always for shock value as a quick joke, and two, they have since done a complete 180 on liane. they don’t harp on the joke about her being a whore the way they used to, and instead she’s shown to be a single mother who works two jobs and who loves her son unconditionally. but she’s also very lonely, and treats cartman as her friend instead of her son; she has no boundaries set with him and often entertains his schemes or delusions; she’s a classic over-indulging parent. which does a lot of harm without her meaning to. 

honestly, the entire relationship between cartman and his mother mostly just makes me sad, especially after the “tsst” episode; it’s the only time we see liane disciplining cartman in a firm but loving way, acting as a parent and not a hostage, and we see, in my opinion, what was the only instance wherein which cartman was capable of any meaningful or permanent change. and it’s all destroyed when liane realizes cesar and her’s relationship was purely professional and nothing more. even in group of moms, liane isn’t really considered one of them. her only friend is cartman, so she defaults to giving in to his every whim b/c she’s terrified of him resenting and leaving her as well. it’s like.. a really tragic situation. but that episode is important as it exemplifies the fact that, unlike the other boys, cartman incapable of change. his transformation is mostly superficial and incredibly short-lived. there’s a lot to be said of the nature of evil – whether some people are born that way, if it’s entirely nature vs. nurture – but cartman is obviously a combination of both; no one who doesn’t have some kind of genetic pre-dispostion to incalculable levels of cruelty and disregard for the suffering of others could plot to have someone’s parents killed, steal their bodies, grind them into chili and feed it to the child of those parents over sixteen dollars.

and this is what makes the cognitive dissonance that surrounds thinking kyman isn’t an abusive ship is astounding to me, because cartman is an inherently abusive person. he is incapable of the vulnerability or the selflessness or the compromise a relationship requires. i mean, christ, we just got an entire season that highlights how he acts within the confines of a romantic relationship with heidi – an entire season of cartman manipulating, gaslighting, and machinating events to have someone he supposedly loves killed or abducted. there’s an argument made pretty often among kyman fans that this wouldn’t happen to kyle, that kyle is capable of fighting back against cartman and would refuse to make himself vulnerable the way heidi did, but i have no idea how someone could says this after “ginger cow.”

kyle is by far the most frequent recipient of the proverbial short stick (passion of the jew, le petit tourette, tonsil trouble, pee, humancentipad, imaginationland, cartman’s incredible gift, etc b/c the list goes on and fucking on) and though cartman is not always the one directly spearheading the events that lead to kyle being put in those situations, he usually is. but the way he treats kyle in ginger cow differs so greatly from past events – a lot of cartman’s mistreatment of kyle can be viewed as him feeling he’s delivering punishment or retribution to a someone who he feels (wrongly) deserves it, but “ginger cow” just really epitomizes cartman’s complete and utter sociopathy. what he does to kyle in that episode is so far beyond mere humiliation; it’s dehumanization. cartman actively derives joy from breaking kyle down as a person, forcing him to be submissive, causing kyle to lose any sense of self. the kicker comes at the end of the episodes when stan’s misguided attempt to help ends up backfiring, but not really, because the prophecy of the red heifer had actually been true all along! yet cartman refuses to tell the truth; kyle’s suffering means nothing. and cartman, in true cartman fashion, makes a snide joke, farts into his hand, dollops whip cream in his palm and smears it in kyle’s face, walking off very satisfied with himself. even thinking about the episode makes me viscerally ill. 

i think just as troubling for me is the culture that surrounds people shipping the two of them; there is so, so, so much casual anti-semitism – people who think it’s cute when cartman accosts kyle for being jewish, people who use the word “jew” in a flippant, casual way as if it’s a term of endearment while completely ignoring the historical context of disparagement in a non-jewish person calling someone “a jew.” people who excuse cartman’s anti-semitism, who act like he hasn’t repeatedly been shown to adore hitler and emulate him, going as far as to rally the town behind him to lead in the effort to exterminate the jews and shouting nazi rallying cries. not to mention the fact that not only does there exist any one singular kyman fic centered around kyle being a holocaust victim during world war ii, there are a ton! which is so disgusting and disrespectful and so obviously amoral i can’t believe i just had to type that! and in the same line as fiction, it is so upsetting to me a prominent trend that occurs w kyman fics is cartman basically hatefucking kyle through the entire thing, physically and verbally abuses him and gets off on it, and kyle is this submissive, simpering slave to him – not to mention the plethora of straight up rape/non-con kyman fics. it a lot of either that, or kyle is some conduit for a shitty cartman redemption arc, and. ugh.

anyway, this is the most i’m ever going to say about kyman. the tl;dr version of this is that i think kyman is so popular b/c recent seasons have focused more on amplifying the ways in which kyle and cartman are similar as well as quite a few jokes being made about some weird sexual tension between the two of them. and not to harp on this, but i don’t ship kyman, and i don’t support it or even remotely tolerate it, really. the entire concept of those two together makes me quite literally physically ill lmao.

[doomweaver-93-blog]

Out of my Shell- Coming out as Bi

Salutations, all of you lovely chuckle-fucks! I’m sorry it took so long for me to get the creative juices flowing (giggity), but sometimes it can take a while for the proverbial gears to start turning. So, this time around I thought that I’d take all of you on a colorful journey, telling the tale about my recent coming-out as bi-sexual. And let me tell you, it definitely wasn’t an easy thing for me to do. The uncertainty of how friends and family would react to the news, was the biggest thought pulling at the back of my mind. Ever since my formative years in middle school, I thought I could hide it and not let it be so obvious. But back in October of 2016, I finally decided that I wasn't going to hide my bi-sexuality anymore. I believe that one's sexual identity is nothing to be ashamed of, and that everyone, whether or not they're part of the LGBTQ community, should be damn proud of who they are. I mean, who gives a rat's ass what other people think? Anyway, I bet some of you are wondering how it all started, and why I finally decided to come out after so many years. Well, slap your asses onto your seats and listen good, because the story is about to start....

It all started when I was attending middle school, back when I was living in the traumatic, miserable shithole in New Jersey (which I mentioned in my previous posts). I don't remember what exact grade I was in back then, but my attraction to both sexes stemmed as a result of being around my male classmates in the boys locker room during gym class. I won't go into inglorious details about the sort of thoughts I had, because some of you who are reading this are probably squeamish and easily butt-hurt/offended. The point is, I looked upon both male and female genders with the same sexual attraction, and never once thought I might be bi-sexual. Back then I thought if I came out as bi or if knowledge about my sexual identity somehow circulated, I'd be bullied and demeaned more than I already was. So for the entire time I lived in New Jersey, I kept it to myself and never let it show. And it continued well into my moving out to Ohio to live with my mom, throughout junior high, during high school, and well after taking a hiatus from Landmark College. While I was at Landmark, there were some instances when a random guy would say how cute I was, or commented on how good some of my clothes looked on me. I'd reply with a half-hearted thanks, but I never really gave it much thought. And there were some times when I thought about experimenting (if you know what I mean), but again, I didn't give it much thought. It wasn't until my visit to my brother Andrew and sister-in-law Julie's house in Oregon for their October 2016 wedding, that I FINALLY decided to come out of the proverbial closet as bi-sexual.

I first told my niece, Jasmine, during a Facebook conversation one night, and her response could be nothing short of happy, loving, and supportive.  I breathed a tremendous sigh of relief, but I knew that it wouldn't stop there. Months after I flew back home to Ohio, I finally came out out to my previously-mentioned brother Andrew, my sister-in-law Julie, and shortly thereafter, to all of my other family and friends on Facebook. When I told everyone the news via Facebook post, I was nervously holding my breath. I'll admit that I was beyond anxious and nervous about how everyone would react to me being bi-sexual, and I was worried that it'd have a noticeable negative impact on all of my relationships. But in fact, quite the opposite happened. All of my friends and family showed nothing but an overwhelming outpouring of love, support, kindness, and respect. And while that itself was beyond amazing, I was kind of apprehensive about how my mom would react to my coming out, as she is an out-spoken Christian and opposed to things like the LGBTQ community and same-sex marriages. However, she has agreed to be supportive and to keep her opinions on the matter to herself, so I'll take my victories where I can. Once I came out to everyone, I felt like I was finally able to let go of a lot of the crippling anxiety and self-doubt that clouded my mind for so many years. And that, my lovely chuckle-fucks, was an enormous relief of itself.

Like everybody else out there, I'll occasionally come across some very hurtful ridicule from bigoted and prejudicial people, whether it's about my sexual identity, my Asperger's,  or some other aspect of my life. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been demeaned and belittled because of it. There are times when I wondered whether or not I should've come out as bi-sexual in the first place. As I mentioned earlier, I was definitely apprehensive about how my mom would react to my coming out, as she is a Christian and vehemently opposed to things like same-sex marriage and LGBTQ rights. She even gave me a completely disgusted look when she saw my Facebook post, and after I told her in person. But you know what? I honestly don't give a damn what other people say. The fact of the matter is, I was beyond proud of myself for finding the strength and courage to come out. I don't know why it took me so many years to come out in the first place, but I'm totally glad that I did. I know that there are other people out there who aren't as fortunate as I am in that regard, and all too often there are LGTBQ youth and young adults who are faced with the threat of violence, rejection, or homelessness simply because their own family or friends don't "approve" of their sexual identity. And that really breaks my heart.

The one thing about my coming out that continues to rub me the wrong way, is when people who claim to be "Christians", attempt to threaten me with the "fires of hell", and "God's wrath", because of my sexual identity.  I'll sometimes see one of my mom's church friends out in public, and they'll give me such hateful looks and make the "God is watching" gesture towards me. Which makes me laugh hysterically, because aren't Christians supposed to love everyone, including bi-sexuals and other members of the LGTBQ community? Shit like that nearly played a negative role in my coming out, but I don't give a squadron of flying fucks what a bunch of religious people think or say. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself. And I'm way happy that I did come out, because I feel as though a whole new galaxy of love and possibilities has opened up and made itself known to me, in a manner of speaking. As to my thoughts about other people who are bi-sexual, let me just say this; Bi-sexuals and LGBTQ people in general are just fucking AWESOME. Everyone who identifies as LGBTQ is a super-beautiful person in so many different ways, regardless of what people around them say. I plan on getting involved in LGBTQ rights groups, and when I finally make the move into my own place, try to find some outreach centers of some kind that help people who identify themselves as part of the LGBTQ community. Take it from me, it can be stressful and outright emotionally taxing dealing with all the religious bigotry, hatred, and seemingly endless bullying that's poisoning our world.  I've found that the key to inner beauty and outward peace, is to not even let it bother you in any way. If it gets in your head, it can do all kinds of metaphorical damage to your confidence and self-esteem. Personally, I've adopted the following mindset to help me combat negative words and thoughts; I'm loved. I'm valued. I'm fucking awesome. And, hate has no hold on me. Only love has a say in my life. If you harbor nothing but love in your heart and mind, I guarantee that it'll make an awesome impact in your own life.  I know that it's definitely helped me out in mine.

In closing, I'd like to pop a cap of advice on all of you out there; whether you're straight, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, just know that you're loved and valued, no matter what. If you're anxious about coming out, or facing any kind of hate and scorn for identifying yourself differently from the world's twisted sense of "normal", just take some deep breaths and surround yourself with nothing but upbeat, loving and supportive people. If others can't or won't love and support you for being yourself, then honestly, you don't need them at all. Educate yourself about the various resources and networks that are available out there, if a situation arises where you feel rejected and un-wanted. You're never alone. Don't be afraid of coming out and expressing yourself for who you are. There are tons of people all over the world who are ready and willing to talk to you (myself included), whenever you just need to get something off your mind, or if you need to hear someone say some loving and encouraging words. Research different services that are available for any LGBTQ youth/ young adults facing the threat of being cast out, simply because of their sexual identity. And lastly, when some bigoted fuck-wad shows you hate and contempt, show nothing but love and peace. Believe me, I know that this particular post might not seem like my most creative piece, and I did struggle to put the thoughts in my head as words on paper and a screen, but I feel like I've written this piece for anyone out in the world who identifies as LGBTQ and is afraid of coming out for fear of bullying, rejection, scorn from family or friends, and any manner of bigotry and prejudicial judgment. I wanted to speak up for those who might find themselves voiceless in some way, and at the same time, tell my own story to those who are willing to listen. I might struggle a lot to translate my thoughts into words, but I also feel like that this is one of the more candid tales I've told to all of you, my lovely chuckle-fucks. If you have any questions about this post, or just want to chat me up, feel free to contact me on any of my social media accounts listed below;

Email: doomweaver93@yahoo.com

Facebook: Josh Lesure

Twitter: Josh Lesure

Tumblr: doomweaver-93

I'd like to thank all of my friends from Landmark College, Dragonfly Academy, and my family for helping (in some way) to make this story possible, and I hope it helps to shed some more light on the delightfully twisted tale that is me, yours truly.  Many thanks for your continued love and support, and I hope to continue writing some more sordid tales in the future, fortune willing. You're all such fucking awesome people, and I wouldn't be who I am without you. Never forget to show love and kindness to those who need it. Right now, somewhere out there is a person who's perhaps struggling with their sexual orientation, and is uncertain about whether they should come out or not, and they need all the love and support they can possibly get. Try to volunteer for groups/organizations that help and provide aid to displaced people who identify as LGBTQ and need help getting on their feet. I myself was worried about possibly being thrown out onto the streets after coming out as bi-sexual, so I'm somewhat familiar with that level of fear and uncertainty. Never be ashamed to ask those you can trust for help, or to reach out to a a group of people that can provide you with the resources and caring if you're a young person who probably feels hated and unwelcome in your home environment. Get involved in things like pride groups and outreach centers where they're available. Once again, thank you all so much for continuing to love and support me throughout this fucked-up journey called life, and I hope to write some more sordid tales for you in the near future. Until next time, always remember to show love and peace in the face of hate, prejudice and bigotry. Stay strong, and hold your head up high. Huzzah!