#ive also been scared real good | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

artystaroc · 7 months ago

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so, bendy

#bendy secrets of the machine #bendy: secrets of the machine #bendy and the ink machine #batim #bendy and the dark revival #batdr #heard about this game a few days ago #and its just like. hey #if a game free #i play #(im poor lol)#this was just a funny moment i wanted to share #ive also been scared real good #so good game so far!#heard the game keeps updating throughout the day #so i might pick this up again later

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corvidaedream · 7 months ago

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in my quest to maybe move back to providence after 20 years, im looking at jobs down there and damn i think i might be better off financially pivoting to carpentry/construction work for a while

#messages from the ouija board #the biggest two hurdles there are 1) gender. on multiple levels. but maybe i could get my dad to put in a good word for me w an old contact #bc he seems to know every tradesman in rhode island somehow. a #but like. every manual labor job ive ever had other than assisting my dad. gender has become a Problem. and itll probably be worse now #and then 2) id have to get a vehicle and all the bells and whistles w that #though idk maybe i could ask my coworker marty about how to get into stage carpentry #bc hes trans and seems to be doing well in it #ive always enjoyed manual labor stuff like i love painting i love demo work i loved repairing tombstones i love building shit #but the few times ive actually been hired by people who arent family its been a real struggle to be taken seriously #in one case i got harassed (over being a 'woman') into leaving #and in another it just made the guys on the crew increasingly uncomfortable 'having a girl around' and when the current job wrapped up #i just got ghosted. no telling me where the next job was. no returning my calls. nothing.#and im scared of that happening again. but also. the money seems way better than museum work wrt what im qualified for

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seiwas · 1 year ago

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the desire to write smth so good that’s just. aching but in the best way? smth that lingers long past reading. smth that makes you get up in the middle to pace around before sitting back down to pick it up again because the emotions are reeling.

so you start to type only to realise that’s one biiiiig skill gap 🫠

#story of my LIFE #everyday i think about this #i want the next col fic to be really good 🥲#or at least one of the longer ones i have lined up but i know it’ll be the most painstaking process ever #and idk if i can even do it aksnkzkdjxn #its like i have a vision of how i want it to feel but dk how to get there #this also applies to everyth else #was just talking to my bf earlier abt smth im designing and how itll probs be a pain to code #and he was like ‘just try and do it bc if u’re going to be scared all the time you’ll never know’#and it’s blunt and it didn’t sound good to hear but he’s Real for that and i guess that’s why i Love him 🥲#anyway. gonna write this megumi fic now. ive been grumbling abt it for so long i want this to be the last time i talk abt it #i talked so much again

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nexus-nebulae · 2 months ago

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another childhood bucket list item obtained: i finally have a snuggie

#and it's the real thing not even a knockoff #kinda surprised they still exist #but also not surprised bc Blanket. blanket is universal #i just remember a lot of those As Seen On Tv ads like. imploding within 5 years #they still do As Seen On Tv products like there are still boxes marked with that logo it almost feels wrong like an ancient relic #bc most like. ubiquitous 2000s brands from my childhood are just Gone or at least so fundamentally changed it's not the same thing #heard about like 50 more companies going bankrupt probably in the last year alone #anyway ive always wanted a snuggie it's one of those Always Wanted things that never go away #others include: staples easy button (obtained!); mini fridge (not); pillow pet (i had a knockoff once); power drill (not)#i spent a surprising amount of my childhood actually going out of my way to buy stuff i could use in my own apartment in the future #i grew up lower middle class and then just lower class #so like. i always Knew i couldn't just furnish the whole apartment at once i Knew I'd have to build stuff up over time #also bc when my sister got kicked out she had like. nothing. in her trailer. and i did not want to have nothing #i knew if dad was willing to just toss out my sister like that i would absolutely follow suit #and i did! two years younger than my sister when she was!#it just happened that my mom didn't want me homeless at FOURTEEN when i legally could not work for two more years #so she went with me and we lived with my grandma #so take that dad. turns out throwing family members out willy nilly makes the rest of your family not trust you or like you!#and now i get to rub it in his face that HE can't function in a house by himself and still needs to beg my mom to clean up after him #bc i spent so much of my childhood getting berated and called lazy for not doing chores #getting told stuff like 'you have to function by yourself your parents can't always pick up after you'#and then he's literally useless without his wife #he's not disabled and he's not neurodivergent he's never even had a serious health scare he just doesn't bother to learn how to clean #his excuse is that he doesn't know how to use the washer and dryer (it has been almost ten years fucker. learn)#or he doesn't know which cleaning products to use (you have google and a library card. LOOK IT UP)#he's the only person i get mad at for this behaviour bc he's a fucking hypocrite and a child abuser about it too #he is the exception to my rule of everyone needs to be given the space to get things done where they're able and deserve help when needed #and I'll bend over backwards to make excuses for other people so i DONT exclude them from my rule i will try to find every good reason first #he has no fucking excuse though he made two teenagers nearly homeless bc he thought we were too lazy and then he's even worse

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wronglennon · 2 months ago

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see the thing is being employed is great until it makes you so afraid you want to claw your face off.

#it’s not just the job let’s be real it’s everything but also it’s easier to blame the job #i am very aware that im at the low point of the cycle i get in and that makes sense ive been borderline hysterical for a while #but now it’s just like i cannot make it through the next few weeks like this. there is nothing good happening #i am so scared of waking up tomorrow im just so scared period. fearful ❤️#anyways whatever. i’ll just kill myselr about it and move on

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orcelito · 3 months ago

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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !

#speculation nation #negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february #actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when #so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh #i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it #and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it #and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found #but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots #which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies

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girlcrushau · 8 months ago

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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princessmyriad · 1 month ago

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#personal #soo ive discovered a giant hole in my back tooth because medicare doesnt cover dental except for children #and so i havent been since i was 21 and i try to maintain tooth health at home but im not very good at it #due to being raised wrong about it and also autistic and i cant afford even a basic clean and checkup #which is what i was actually looking in my mouth and deciding i need which would be about 300 bucks already #and now im scared to eat anything because i definitely cant afford to make this worse 🙃#genuinely so much bad shit has happened and every time its like. ok ill pick myself up cause no one else will and dust off and things #will be fine in the end they always are and my heart believes this will be fine too but i dont remember the last time i was #this genuinely legitimately scared. im so scared and i dont know what to do #i know the next steps is to call dentists in my area tomorrow and check if they do medicare but i feel i already know the answer #idk if its better to have looked or to not and be able to live my life but its food time and i cant make myself eat #im scared to make it worse im scared of the pain that might cause im scared of the upward 2k damage costs if it gets worse #fuck #fucking fuck #okok panick attack over i have a two step plan: part one call around tomorrow and see if anyone takes medicare #part two: i have pliars and towels and painkillers and a lot of conviction in both my diy skills and my caring for my own wounds skills #in the mean time just be more dilligent to brush immediately after eating and ill grab mouthwash too as soon as i can as im currently out #i have a family friend whos a vet maybe theyve ripped out a rotted dogs tooth or two before and could help. but ill cross that bridge #when i get to it fir neow i should check with real dentists before making assumptions. and eat because ive been crying and shaking #and was already hungry and now am exhausted. from the aforementioned shaking and crying and need to eat even more #in all cases. dentist on medicare being the best obviously but in all cases im gonna ask to keep my tooth. unless i do it i dont need to ask #but i forgot when i had my wisdoms out a a few years ago. holy fuck that was like a decade ago actually wtf #ima make a necklace out of it since its just the one and not a pair #and just like that things will be fine. as expected as they always are once the panick mode is done im ok i have a plan and im good

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britneyshakespeare · 2 years ago

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why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety

#i was supposed to do my first day at the high school today but i had literally so much anxiety i could not fall asleep last night no matter #what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.#i could shut my brain off till i went into the application and deleted my schedule for the day #ive just been feeling so fatigued and exhausted since i got covid it's crazy. sometimes i'll have bursts of energy where im productive #but yesterday i was just so tired from loading the washing machine. just. fucking sorting clothes and putting them in #that i had to lie down on the floor for a few minutes in the middle of it #not my finest moment #tales from diana #i didn't have anything scheduled for tomorrow and i thought 'maybe if i feel better tonight ill call in'#but i dont feel. super better tonight. and the only thing that i could do tomorrow at my preferred school is kindergarten subbing #for like the main classroom teacher. which i havent done before so i figured 'yeah im not gonna get my anxiety up 2 days in a row'#i deserve to sleep tonight after all and i think if i committed to that i wouldnt be able to #but i am going into my elementary school on wed-thur-friday of this week. wednesday is only a half day but they'll probably find smth for me #to do in the afternoon. they usually do. and im fine w that.#idk im just much more comfortable in my elementary school. i guess bc ive worked there before and i went to school there #as a wittle student waaaay back in the day. like i know the building and it doesn't scare me and i know a good amount of kids there #and the staff don't intimidate me. so yeah.#i did schedule my first job at the high school FOR REAL THIS TIME and it's next friday. hopefully ill be doing better by then.#im working the thursday before it at the elementary so i'll be in the rhythm of that. idk how to explain it but it's harder to go back #to work when ive taken a day off. like that's also why im not going in tomorrow.#friday (4/07) was the first day i worked since i got covid and that was fine but also. i was so anxious just to go in.#and so so so so tired when i got home. and all weekend.#yeah i wasn't ready to start working at the high school today. that was nonsense.#hopefully all will go well on wednesday thursday and friday of this week. im trying to restore my energy and fix my sleep. thatll do wonders #i hope. i hope i hope i hope

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pepprs · 2 years ago

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ok. day 1 is over. it was over a while ago but im finally letting myself go to sleep. i am sooooo exhausted lol

#i have like 3 hours of facilitation to do first thi ng in the morning and i haven’t looked at it at all. i was trying to draw and ive been #too tired to even do that. i just am nervous thi ng s will go bad or someone will have a crisis.. im so on edge. lol #purrs #also i got a stupid fucking paper cut in my eye or something like i was trying to push up my glasses and ended up poking my eye with my #paper i was holding and it hurts and im scared im gonna have issues when i wake up so im also scared to sleep bc of that. but idk. it’s been #an ok day. i just am so tired none of it feels real. but i might be able to get some rest tomorrow so that’s good hopefully

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axemetaphor · 2 years ago

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true re: dave Also being psychotic along with the everything else. real even. i do think he was prescribed the zyprexa at the same time as the mandatory sessions with tennet, because in book 1 he'son undisclosed meds, 3 he's unmedicated, and in 4 he's on prozac.

but yeah. hes just like me fr

YEAH see ok. my timeline with his meds shit is in hs after the Billy incident he was likely put on antipsychotics (Haldol is a common one for anger issues, iirc) by the court as part of him going to the other high school and not Jail, and as he got older antidepressants were likely added/antipsychotics changed out or potentially dropped in his early 20s, etc. since it's unclear if he was still on them in book 1. I think he's always dealt w Brain Problems but that honestly a majority of his shit re: getting in trouble with the law is, hilariously, always unrelated to that.

re: the other part of my tags (bipolar people often getting prescribed antipsychotics as mood stabilizers/what I didnt mention: psychosis is sometimes a symptom of bipolar episodes) I Think he would be one of those bipolar people who falls through the cracks (getting diagnosed with just a Major Depressive Disorder, mood-wise, and then also being diagnosed psychotic, a psych/therapist not making the Connection) for years before properly getting a Bipolar II diagnosis. book 3 fr resonated with me SO FUCKING HARD he was exactly like me in high school. the fact hes abruptly doing better when shit goes down again ....... feels a lot like a hypomanic episode triggered by outside events. I'm absolutely rambling at this point but anyways I'm hyped to get my hands on book 4 to Study Him more lmao

#ive never been on antipsychotics but if were being real here: i was too scared to be honest with my psychiatrist at the time lmao #also i dont know if you want this ask to be answered private but uh i cannot. figure out how to do that on mobile #so just let me know ig wbsjsbsjs #also im not so good at names of meds i can never. remember them #but the only hole in my headcanon seems to be that i dont think any antidepressants he was on ever made him manic #which was my experience i got put on lexapro and oh BOY did it fuck me UP #the only hole in my bipolar headcanon* i mean #im having difficulty with Words this evening pls bear with me hfjndkdnd #asks #answered #rambles.txt #wigmonster

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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago

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This ^^

In my experience with certain fears, aversions, disgusts, etc, if anyone implies the things I'm most afraid I secretly want are real things that I actually secrectly want, that makes them way way worse.

For example, I frequently get caught up in intrusive thoughts about people I love dying. I don't want them to die but I worry that I do, sometimes for hours on end, torturing myself with scenarios of things that would make anyone feel sick. I don't have control over this.

If another person (that is, not my intrusive thoughts) tells me that maybe I have these thoughts because I DO secretly want them to die and I shouldn't be around them because I'm a danger to them or something, I'm pretty sure I would genuinely break. And hopefully ya'll can see how fucked up of a thing that is to do too.

i am once again asking people i know to do actual research on OCD and what it is b/c i saw someone equating POCD to actual predatory shit recently and i think im going to break out of my enclosure . OCD is not about “subconscious desires” it’s about fear. fears, aversions and repulsions, both subconscious and conscious. OCD forces you to obsess over things that make you anxious, scared, uncomfortable, or disgusted. possibilities (about yourself, your future, your loved ones and their futures, etc) that would give you nightmares if you considered them for too long. literally the second you start thinking OCD may be about “subconscious desires” you have lost. you made an immediate left turn when you were supposed to make a right and now you’re on a completely different road. this applies to all forms of OCD by the way, even the most “disgusting”, taboo or “disturbing”. whichever form of OCD you’re thinking may be an exception to this rule, is not an exception. b/c there is none

#i keep telling myself i dont have ocd because anytime i tell someone i might they say i dont #but i really do wonder sometimes if i have it #i know i have really bad anxiety... but that also ties into health anxiety. so im kinda prone to thinking i have things that i dont #which sucks because ive already been gaslit for like 10 years growing up so i honestly dont know whats real and whats not #at least symptom wise i guess #god im like shaking thinking about all of the things that i worry about constantly #some of the things are also like... worrying that my loved ones want ME dead. or want to kill me #which is repulsive to me because obviously i trust them #and i just imagine their faces if they ever heard i was worrying about that. i dont want them to know im scared of them #its not that im scared of them so much as im just scared of everything. all of the time. its exhausting #but i dont want them to see me differently and i think they would :( even i see me differently #im pretty sure im not a good person most of the time

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arolesbianism · 29 days ago

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It's so jover guys

#rat rambles #sekai posting #I have never been so like legitimately terrified for an event before Ive been spending the past hour heart racing #I am fighting for my god damn life to have faith rn #cause like if it is good I know its going to be GOOD #but if it isnt? :|.#this has the potential to like. completely unwravel the entire story of 25ji so far and continue to for the rest of time #I am trying to believe that they wont completely drop the ball but I am bracing myself for the real possibility of immense disapointment #again I want to have faith because assise from a few small things (aka kanade) 25ji's writing has genuinely far exceeded my expectations #every time a major plot point happens or even more minor stuff #its one of those beautiful examples of a story that you can look at the characters and practice character analysis and have that analysis #directly come up in the story in meaningful ways #and this especially applies to mizuki which is why I really Really want to have full faith in this event to be good but alas. the horrors.#my gut tells me to keep my expectations low so that as long as its at least innoffensive Ill be happy #just imagine me with a death grip on the writers shoulders begging them to not fuck this up #like if yall can clear this hurdle then I can forgive the lack of big boy kanade development no problem #also ena get behind me Im so scared for you girlie

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inkats · 1 month ago

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is it autism or is it a symptom of previous longterm social isolation and lack of agency ?

#i think. im not good at being a person.#ive finally gotten some alone time and i am reflecting. and well.#i dont think you can make me socially aware ^-^ i dont think i'll ever get good at it.#i donknow why ^-^👍 and i dont think it matters 👍#i think hes getting tired of me alreadyyyy......#and i think. lots of other ppl . dont see me wout him already also.#ive managed this already... impressive ^-^#but the japanese international girls like me so !!! it doesnt matter !!! i have. two nice friends. and 1 intimidating friend.#i will not get bullied or made fun of or be in ungetoutable bad situations bc of. mafia friend.#and then i will recharge and be silly around. nice friends.#i think the fact that im actively thinking about this. doesnt do anything for my case.#i think. im getting masking lessons. when i hang out w him. if it really is the autism. and im failing a little bit.#he thinks ive got anxiety. 💭💭 psych major ass. sorry. my roommates also psych major. why are they. talkers.#theyre scawy.#they both got adhd too. whats with that #anyway.#i want to get a haircut.#and hes like. well. hes literally 4 real a model. and his mom was a model. and all his friends were. guess what. models.#so. scary. so i will go to a shitty salon w a nice normal level of social skill friend and then not say anything i think.#i love yapping on here this is awesome. i can just say anytging.#non u know me in real life #how did i end up making friends w the most 'popular guy' guy in the world this is so stressful.#everyone likes him. there are ppl who only talk to me to get an idea of where he might be at. what happened.#howd i go from friendless loser to. loser but in a completely different friend environment. friends w guy who is too good at making friends #but chooses to hang out w me ? does he choose to do that. is it all coincidence?#how did i get here. it really doesnt feel real #i want. to . explode.#yknow i never even really talked to boys before this also. wtf. wtf..#i have only been saying nice things so far i think but i think its important to know that he. scares me. hes so from bc.#i have always been scared of island ppl theyre. all so mad always. and guess what he is too. and yet here i am.

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yo9urt · 3 months ago

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omg i want a snake tattoo so bad

#mine #preferably an ouroboros ive been wanting one of those for years #but before i get it i should figure out what i want it to look like and where it will go bcause even though ive wanted one for so long #i still dont really know the details lol but the other day i saw a pic of one where it was lik #one neat loop of a snake and then a wriggly snake that was wrapped around it and they were both eating their own tails #i thougtht at was so cool so maybe id do that but where would i put it? hmm #snakes are jut so cool idk im scared of them but theyre baller as fuck plus i was born in year of the snake so it fits #ohh maybe i could get them wrapping around my arm or something #as like a figure 8/infinity. that would be cool i thnk #hae i ever told u guys 8 is my favorite number...i like it because you can flip it around and it turns into infinity which i think is a rea #ly baller property for a numbre to have #7 was my favorite when i was a kid i would probably say its my 2nd favorite now #after that probably 9 i really fuck with 9 it feels like a warrior #after that maybe ummm. i think 1. 1 is a good classic number everyone fucks with 1 #after that 5. another classic number plus i can put it at 5th place for maximum satisfaction #the other ones are all mostly unremarkable to me and fyi im only talking 1-9 right now #0 is another story and once yu go past 9 theres too many to think about #i do like 28 tohugh thats another good one. 808 is also really cool fuck kanye though for real i judt like how it looks

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hecksupremechips · 7 months ago

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My biggest fear is that I’ll spend so much time beating myself up for not being good at writing that by the time I get the words down, all my passion will have run out and my ideas will have been long expired and I’ll have disappointed everyone by failing yet again to keep my promises

#the klock keeps ticking #i cant ever think about anything else but the stories i wanna write its the only thing i got on my mind its all i want #but i get so stuck in my head that i cant put any words down and when i do i beat them up so much i cant move on #so it takes me a really long time to create nowadays. if i even try #and idk im really tired of this like it isnt just art and writing its how i do everything #i talk about it so much but i never make anything a reality and i stay in one horrible spot forever #and then i complain about how miserable i am that i havent done anything with myself when im too scared to actually do the work of making #things real #like hnnnghh idk i finally forced myself to stop making excuses and just fucking start officially writing the first chapter of my big shinji #project that i keep gushing about in my head but ive only been able to write a few paragraphs #i cant get much further without getting hard on myself because i feel like every single word i choose is wrong #and i also have been sleeping waaaaay worse than usual the past month from extreme stress so im fatigued much easier #and im just scared im gonna spend so much time on this that like by the time ive finished the first chapter i wont even care anymore #which will really suck cuz ive wanted this for so long and for once i just want something of mine to go good i want to make something #that i want possible just to prove im capable of something so basic #its just all this damn pressure AAAAAAAAAAA i hate everything

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