#what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.

[britneyshakespeare]

why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety

[ubemango]

I am sick of it 😁😁😁😁

Help!!! This is like my fifth time making a post like this 😭!!!!! BUT I won’t apologize for that because I’m still growing and Learning and trying to be better so. if it takes me five billion tries to finally feel good about myself then so be it 😎

So here: these have been my thoughts the past couple days!!!! There’s a TL;DR at the end if you don’t wanna go through all of it lol but please read if you are able to :,)

Remaking meant a new me! New blog! New (-ish) content! BUT somehow... I still haven’t gotten past a Lot of the Barriers I thought I could overcome if I became ubemango 😅 I ranted about this on my private but the start of lunyua meant the start of a really bad year for me. I got anxious easily, and that made my skin reach an All Time Level of Bad AND fucked up my sleep schedule big time 😅 In short: my health just BOOM plummeted. And then August came and I had a Major panic attack because of a certain fic I posted and it reeeaaaalllllllyyyy just made my experience here on Blue Blog the worst after that

I tried over and over again to find a compromise with myself and my content. I took days off, I deleted fics, I remade......... and now I’m here. And still feeling very Anxious and Bad 😁

I think I want to address something first: I’m currently a full-time second year student majoring in English lit and Political Science, which means: SO MUCH READING AND WRITING 😅😅But my GPA was a solid 3.7 which!!! I’m really proud of lol!!!!! 😁😁😁😁😁 But anywho! I posted drabbles here and there but even then I still felt super anxious and tired. I thought maybe cutting content down to just drabbles would make me feel less bad about not putting out content Period, but now that I think about it....... I was Still Anxious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t seem to get out of it. I still wake up everyday with this annoying feeling of dread and fear because to be frank: I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel horrible because I’m not writing, and when I do sit down to write I hate what I put down.... case in point. It sucks 😁😁😁 And I am sick of it :D

I wanna go on hiatus. Very badly. But I don’t wanna call it that lol. More like. A Break with a capital B. You know???? Like I enjoy the asks I get immensely, I enjoy responding....... But I think what I’m really trying to get at is .... I really need to start doing things for myself. I’m going to write what I want to write. I’m not going to set deadlines because in reality... this blog is Not my priority at the moment ha ha

So I’ll start my final thoughts here: I’ve been trying to get otiyr 2 out ASAP but it’s not working. It’s making me anxious. It’s making me lose my mind. So I’ll put it on the back burner for now ^^

I might just.... disappear for a couple days at a time. Answer asks when I can (I try not to keep asks in my inbox for more than 48 hours at a time hehe). I’m still writing, but I’m just writing when I can hehe. If I ever start feeling like it’s making me want to d*e, then I’ll take the break, and I won’t feel guilty about it. Because that’s what I’m ultimately working towards. Not feeling like I want to off it all

I’ve started taking melatonin and I’m sleeping for a while.... But I’m still waking up lol, I might just go to the doctor because I’m scared I have sleep apnea 😭😭😭😭😭 Drinking lots of water when I can too. Today I sat down and wrote all the things I needed to do for school and felt like I could do it Right. Thought of reviving stories that I wanted to get out but Didn’t because I kept focusing on otiyr lol.

So...... I’m slowly working on it :) Finding my place. Trying to Feel Good for once :,) I love u much. I’ll get better! So please be patient as I try to do it the best I can 🥰

TL;DR: I’m writing what I want, when I want to. I don’t know when my next fic will come out. I don’t really want to think about getting anything out rn lol

I might randomly go days without posting

I am trying to feel better :)

Love always Ella 💕

[creedthoughtddotgov]

day 2 of taking 3mg melatonin 2hrs before bed and it has been REALLY successful. well last night particularly lol. day 1 I took it around 2030 and went to bed around 2200. I woke up a couple times in the night and finally woke up at 300, tried unsuccessful to fall back alseep and so fucked around until like 700 before starting my day. so 5hrs sleep in total. I was tired most of the day but overall felt fine and resisted the urge to nap. I enjoyed eating breakfast outside to get some natural sunlight (which I read is good to expose yourself to in the mornings if you dspd in order to start your body) and had some iced coffee, which I normally don’t love but it felt appropriate.

this time i took my melatonin at 1930 and went to bed at ~2115 I think. I slept much better than yesterday. I still woke up a couple times but it was no problem to get back to sleep, and I went back to sleep more out of not wanting to start my day at, say, 530 than true tiredness. so I ended up getting up at ~730, which makes for ~10hrs, much closer to the roughly 9hrs I need to get. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet but I’m looking forward to eating breakfast out on the porch again, though this time I’m def gonna sit on a giant comfy pillow in addition to the thin blanket I put down yesterday

I like taking the melatonin 2hrs before I need to sleep way more than right before I went to bed as I used to. it makes me a really sleepy at first with a revival after 15m then increasingly sleepy for those two hours which is wonderful because it makes me actually look forward to climbing into bed and closing my eyes instead of dreading it because I’m not even tired. I’m very glad I looked up nighttime chronotype (I’m pretty certain because I heard the term on nocturne) because that’s what to me stumbling across delayed sleep phase syndrome and how to effectively treat it. maybe I don’t actually have it (doubt) but the treatments have sure been effective even so i think I will bring it up to my doctor next week even though it’s a gyno appt lmao

most of all I hope that I’m able to maintain this schedule with an eventual consistent wake up of ~615/30 up until and then through my month long morning class that starts 6/26. that’s the big hurdle and I have really got to clear it

[writeorwrong23-blog]

Don’t give yourself so much credit.

I would assume every woman, from time to time, lays across her bed, head hanging off the side, feet straight up in the air, wondering how bad could it actually be to eat the whole tub of cookie dough. I could easily talk myself into it if I lay here long enough, however my face is one big, ripe roma tomato, so I need to return blood flow to my body. Usually, I am way more productive than hanging around upside down. Seriously Im usually producin it up. Today is a sprinkle different. Today is still, it’s quiet, it’s behaving like a narcoleptic on melatonin. So, with no demands coming from today I have a chance to reflect, and give thanks. Blessings are transparent. It’s easy to see right through them, and if you aren’t careful you will mistake them for hardships. First rule of a thankful attitude. Don’t talk about a thankful attitude. Lol ...I’m totally kidding. I had to. Seriously the first rule: Do not try to make sense of what you do not understand. Read that again. I have learned through many failed attempts that we are not meant to know everything, and that’s ok. At the right time..all will be revealed, and all will make sense. Hindsight is always 20/20. I’m 34. I have 2 children.11 years apart. One is 14. Most days I’m “like so ridiculous” she “just can’t even deal”. The other one is 3. She’s a mommys girl to the core. The sweetest part of a honeysuckle, she is. She also has epilepsy. We are still waiting on her very first seizure free day. I am a single mom. I have been divorced for 2 years, and I choose not to date. I spend most nights with knees in my neck, and fingers in my eye. I start most mornings out rubbing the cricks in every part of my body. The greatest battle I fight is the one in my head. We will name her Anxiety. She’s a beast. Dont be fooled. Although she isn’t tangible..she is fierce, she is crippling, and she is very, very real. These seemingly dreadful struggles I have listed are just a few of the transparent blessings that have shown up disguised. These are a fraction of the things I have emptied my tear ducts over time, and time again. These are things I could not find peace with. These are things that showed up so suddenly, I couldn’t accept them. These are also things that have made me so bitter at the outside world, I had no choice but to turn around and go back in. Back in, within, that’s where my peace was. It wasn’t in a perfectly behaved teenager. It wasn’t in a “healthy” toddler. It wasn’t in a “perfect marriage”, nor a socially acceptable psyche, and it sure wasn’t in a king size memory foam bed without knees and elbows. I had my peace all along. God didn’t send me here unequipped. It wasn’t stolen, nothing snuck in and took it in the middle of the night. The reason it was gone is because I left it. It didn’t leave me. I left it a long time ago to fight my battles. Silly me, they’ve already been fought. I was giving myself too much credit. Way too much. See, ALL glory goes to God. Who never left, who was never late.

[transformationattack]

Y’all, I’mma keep it real. I’mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn’t make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I’m fine with it LOL!

I make no qualms about being in my thirties, hell, I’ve written that all over my blog. What I can’t seem to come to grips with is…homegirl can’t hang all night.

YES! I’m a night owl till about 1 AM, maybe 1:30 AM at the most then I need to go to bed. Staying up 12-hours until noon the NEXT DAY isn’t one of my superpowers.

Omg, can we admit it’s no fun seeing perfectly good nighttime sleeping conditions slip from your grasp with the slow creep of sunshine crossing your windows and with the increasingly booming cheerfulness of tweeting birds outside? Yes, I meant for it to sound dreadful. Can’t sleep to the call of the morning!

So, when news of Bang Bang Con was released along with Big Hit waving the ARMY Bomb connection in my face, I believed I could do anything to experience the entire 12-hour concert LOL! Guess what I did do, tapped out an hour before The Red Bullet Tour (The WHOLE reason I was trying hard to stay up on day 1! (*>д<)) and slept in till midnight the same day, then I caught some of the Wings tour and all of 4th Muster (only cause by Day 2, my sleep rhythm was hella off and I couldn’t go back to sleep). I think I caught some of Love Yourself too before I said eff it and took some melatonin LOL!

Bruh, thinking on Reflection, why does RM make such heartbreaking songs knowing he has to sing them on tour? I truly sympathize because the emotion is the song is so raw that there’s no way he’s not reliving those feelings with each stage. I cried with him ( ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ ).

There was a little bit of an internal struggle. I thought:

“You’re ARMY! You can do this!”

“Don’t give up now or you’ll miss out!”

“What about seeing all of BTS’ special messages they promised us?”

But…in essence, these are just recordings Big Hit is allowing us to watch for free on an authorized service with a synchronized ARMY Bomb flashing a rainbow color pattern LOL! Once I remembered I’ve been with The Boys since 2017 and have had two ARMY memberships, I was like who cares what people think or my silly negative feelings judging me for wanting to catch some sleep, my ARMY status is still valid and I LOVE BTS! I’ll catch the recordings y’all KNOW will be EVERYWHERE LOL!

YO! I ain’t NEVAH crashed so hard from sleep deprivation on a Monday. The day didn’t even exist, that’s just how powered down I was. Omg, it was the PITS! LOL!

Granted, I totally understand this experience was many ARMY’s first true concert experience and I appreciate that. In fact, I truly believe this experience was mostly for them (and just a little bit of tiding over Map of the Soul Tour ticket holders due to the pandemic). I’m hella glad many new and tenured ARMY got to enjoy Bang Bang Con.

With what little I caught, I did have some takeaways which made me love BTS more:

The ARMY Bomb would turn purple during ments and special footage. It really made me burn with ARMY pride and I’m sure it was BTS and Big Hit saying that they love us back.

Also! What other idol group and entertainment company is legitimately, philosophically and psychologically teaching their fandom HOW TO LOVE during times where love is needed more than ever?! None. They’re the GOAT!

Speaking of ARMY Bomb, even though the Bomb cycled through the colors of the rainbow, I had a HUUUUGE burst of energy on only four hours of sleep when it was on (once I got it to finally work (-_-)). It got me dancing and cheering much more than before (and it could’ve been that my determination paid off and I was just celebrating that the damn thing was on LOL!). I’m sure this was the engagement Big Hit intended (ღゝ◡╹)

  The personal messages BTS recorded in between concerts were adorable and yes, not only did I do my stretches but I also took Jin’s behavioral cues (cause Big Hit didn’t translate NOTHIN!) and bought the special edition Map of the Soul lightstick LOL!

Stage cameramen have had a come up! There were cameras panning EVERYWHERE in HYYH on Stage and HYYH: Epilogue as if they didn’t know where to focus! I wanted to see the full OT7 formation in Butterfly and the cameraman was like NOPE! Second time around we got a GLIMPSE! But Wings and 4th Muster were juuuust right LOL!

I TOTALLY loved seeing all the representation on the LCD screens behind BTS during Miss Right but I ESPECIALLY loved the black kinky haired girl! #SheBeMe

Nevermind was on EVERYTHING during HYYH era, so I can see now why Jimin got that word tattooed on him. It definitely has very strong significance for him let alone his 3rd Muster stage (Also, I think JK had something to do with it being the tattoo-head he is *shhhhh*).

  It was amazing to see physically how and hear vocally how BTS matured. It was like seeing the growth I missed out on because I wasn’t a fan of theirs until later in their career. Ain’t gonna lie, the sexy choreo during HYYH had me cringing. They looked like babies! I kept going, “NOOOO! I dun wanna!” (;´Д`).

Cause I’m weird like this and know the feeling very well, I thought BTS is gonna look back at these concerts and GO, “Damn I was pretty slick back then.” You know like older people talk about their aesthetics like “You couldn’t tell me nothin!” They’re also gonna be like how the hell was I ever that small cause teenage and 20s weight is NOTHING like 30s+ weight LOL!

I didn’t believe ARMY’s interpretation of the 4th Muster VCRs but…BTS really did get high on their own supply! I mean, Jin didn’t mean to, he was just an accidental overdose, but Hobi and the rest of The Boys TOT-TAH-LEE did! LOL! I’d flippin love a pic of Jin trippin with alpacas around him if any of you have it 💜!

The BIGGEST takeaway is that millions of ARMY got to celebrate together. #BangBangCon was trending, friends were posting pictures of themselves with their Bombs, snacks and soju. ARMY were checking on each other like “Did you make it?!” There was a lot of love being shown all around and I think that’s most important. I’ve never felt so much love from a group, including ARMY, that I’ve never met but the feeling was genuinely there.

That’s it for this super long post! I hope you enjoyed reliving some moments with me. Post what you loved most about Bang Bang Con below in the comments (I wanna relive your moments tooooooo! (*˘︶˘*).:*♡) and don’t forget to like the post!

Borahae and Stay Fighting 💜

Y’all, I’mma keep it real. I’mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn’t make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I’m fine with it LOL!

Y’all, I’mma keep it real. I’mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn’t make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I’m fine with it LOL!

Y'all, I'mma keep it real. I'mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn't make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I'm fine with it LOL! Y'all, I'mma keep it real. I'mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn't make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I'm fine with it LOL!

[flightykickback]

Y’all, I’mma keep it real. I’mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn’t make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I’m fine with it LOL!

I make no qualms about being in my thirties, hell, I’ve written that all over my blog. What I can’t seem to come to grips with is…homegirl can’t hang all night.

YES! I’m a night owl till about 1 AM, maybe 1:30 AM at the most then I need to go to bed. Staying up 12-hours until noon the NEXT DAY isn’t one of my superpowers.

Omg, can we admit it’s no fun seeing perfectly good nighttime sleeping conditions slip from your grasp with the slow creep of sunshine crossing your windows and with the increasingly booming cheerfulness of tweeting birds outside? Yes, I meant for it to sound dreadful. Can’t sleep to the call of the morning!

So, when news of Bang Bang Con was released along with Big Hit waving the ARMY Bomb connection in my face, I believed I could do anything to experience the entire 12-hour concert LOL! Guess what I did do, tapped out an hour before The Red Bullet Tour (The WHOLE reason I was trying hard to stay up on day 1! (*>д<)) and slept in till midnight the same day, then I caught some of the Wings tour and all of 4th Muster (only cause by Day 2, my sleep rhythm was hella off and I couldn’t go back to sleep). I think I caught some of Love Yourself too before I said eff it and took some melatonin LOL!

Bruh, thinking on Reflection, why does RM make such heartbreaking songs knowing he has to sing them on tour? I truly sympathize because the emotion is the song is so raw that there’s no way he’s not reliving those feelings with each stage. I cried with him ( ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ ).

There was a little bit of an internal struggle. I thought:

“You’re ARMY! You can do this!”

“Don’t give up now or you’ll miss out!”

“What about seeing all of BTS’ special messages they promised us?”

But…in essence, these are just recordings Big Hit is allowing us to watch for free on an authorized service with a synchronized ARMY Bomb flashing a rainbow color pattern LOL! Once I remembered I’ve been with The Boys since 2017 and have had two ARMY memberships, I was like who cares what people think or my silly negative feelings judging me for wanting to catch some sleep, my ARMY status is still valid and I LOVE BTS! I’ll catch the recordings y’all KNOW will be EVERYWHERE LOL!

YO! I ain’t NEVAH crashed so hard from sleep deprivation on a Monday. The day didn’t even exist, that’s just how powered down I was. Omg, it was the PITS! LOL!

Granted, I totally understand this experience was many ARMY’s first true concert experience and I appreciate that. In fact, I truly believe this experience was mostly for them (and just a little bit of tiding over Map of the Soul Tour ticket holders due to the pandemic). I’m hella glad many new and tenured ARMY got to enjoy Bang Bang Con.

With what little I caught, I did have some takeaways which made me love BTS more:

The ARMY Bomb would turn purple during ments and special footage. It really made me burn with ARMY pride and I’m sure it was BTS and Big Hit saying that they love us back.

Also! What other idol group and entertainment company is legitimately, philosophically and psychologically teaching their fandom HOW TO LOVE during times where love is needed more than ever?! None. They’re the GOAT!

Speaking of ARMY Bomb, even though the Bomb cycled through the colors of the rainbow, I had a HUUUUGE burst of energy on only four hours of sleep when it was on (once I got it to finally work (-_-)). It got me dancing and cheering much more than before (and it could’ve been that my determination paid off and I was just celebrating that the damn thing was on LOL!). I’m sure this was the engagement Big Hit intended (ღゝ◡╹)

  The personal messages BTS recorded in between concerts were adorable and yes, not only did I do my stretches but I also took Jin’s behavioral cues (cause Big Hit didn’t translate NOTHIN!) and bought the special edition Map of the Soul lightstick LOL!

Stage cameramen have had a come up! There were cameras panning EVERYWHERE in HYYH on Stage and HYYH: Epilogue as if they didn’t know where to focus! I wanted to see the full OT7 formation in Butterfly and the cameraman was like NOPE! Second time around we got a GLIMPSE! But Wings and 4th Muster were juuuust right LOL!

I TOTALLY loved seeing all the representation on the LCD screens behind BTS during Miss Right but I ESPECIALLY loved the black kinky haired girl! #SheBeMe

Nevermind was on EVERYTHING during HYYH era, so I can see now why Jimin got that word tattooed on him. It definitely has very strong significance for him let alone his 3rd Muster stage (Also, I think JK had something to do with it being the tattoo-head he is *shhhhh*).

 It was amazing to see physically how and hear vocally how BTS matured. It was like seeing the growth I missed out on because I wasn’t a fan of theirs until later in their career. Ain’t gonna lie, the sexy choreo during HYYH had me cringing. They looked like babies! I kept going, “NOOOO! I dun wanna!” (;´Д`).

Cause I’m weird like this and know the feeling very well, I thought BTS is gonna look back at these concerts and GO, “Damn I was pretty slick back then.” You know like older people talk about their aesthetics like “You couldn’t tell me nothin!” They’re also gonna be like how the hell was I ever that small cause teenage and 20s weight is NOTHING like 30s+ weight LOL!

I didn’t believe ARMY’s interpretation of the 4th Muster VCRs but…BTS really did get high on their own supply! I mean, Jin didn’t mean to, he was just an accidental overdose, but Hobi and the rest of The Boys TOT-TAH-LEE did! LOL! I’d flippin love a pic of Jin trippin with alpacas around him if any of you have it 💜!

The BIGGEST takeaway is that millions of ARMY got to celebrate together. #BangBangCon was trending, friends were posting pictures of themselves with their Bombs, snacks and soju. ARMY were checking on each other like “Did you make it?!” There was a lot of love being shown all around and I think that’s most important. I’ve never felt so much love from a group, including ARMY, that I’ve never met but the feeling was genuinely there.

That’s it for this super long post! I hope you enjoyed reliving some moments with me. Post what you loved most about Bang Bang Con below in the comments (I wanna relive your moments tooooooo! (*˘︶˘*).:*♡) and don’t forget to like the post!

Borahae and Stay Fighting 💜

Y'all, I'mma keep it real. I'mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn't make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I'm fine with it LOL! Y'all, I'mma keep it real. I'mma Bang Bang Con Reject. I didn't make it through 24-hours worth of concert footage and I'm fine with it LOL!