#its very hard to not react
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Not Every Film I Watch In 2024
25. The Sleeping Tiger (1954)
#the sleeping tiger#the sleeping tiger (1954)#2024filmgifs#my gifs#holy moly i was NOT prepared for such psychosexual depravity#even though i should have guessed#cos Dirk Bogarde#that was such a strange precursor to both Victim and The Servant#and also totally different#i was a bit bored at the start#but then my goodness it actually surprised me#with its twists and turns of character development#and motivation#and tho i was totally ready to scoff at the antiquated psychobabble#it actually struck a bit of a nerve#and i couldn't laugh and tried very hard not to react#luckily Dirk's overacting there helped#poor baby Dirk he cannot help himself#the lighting really started to annoy me#with its unnecessary and super obvious spot lights#clumsier than i expect from Brit film#and made me wanna rewatch Pygmalion#which is exquisite of course#i also really wanted Alexis Smith to use her riding crop on Dirk#and step on him with some very wicked heels#and generally domme the fuck out of him#but then the movie distracted me with its actual plot#oh well
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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I was surprised when I first heard people say the first Lord Peter Wimsey novels were too caricaturesque, because I don't remember a time I felt more identified with a character that when Lord Peter gets so focused, worried, and disturbed by his discovery of the nature of the crime in "Whose Body?" that he goes on a full blown PTSD attack. And then he is so very tired. And needs several days of rest to recover. But he's talking it in the exasperated philosophy of "going on a stupid little walk for my stupid mental health". Extremely relatable to me, whatever that says about my mental health state.
#like I had a bit of a crisis a few days ago and had to go to the polyclinic to get a sedative#(I am drinking sleepytime tea every day and having a very controlled intake of caffeine anyways)#and I absolutely knew this was going to happen with the stress of thesis writing and meeting deadlines#my brain interprets any stress tension as immediate severe danger#and it starts looking for causes and oh my doesn't it have a repertoire of apocalyptic scenarios both domestic and cataclysmic#And I manage it most of the time#but the balance act itself is tiresome#And as real as the panic feels every single time in its reasons#and as hard as I have to struggle to convince myself it's just my brain reacting in pathological ways#I'm so tired and so tired of it making me tired#but we plod on#through the cycle of#what happened to me when I was a teen was indeed traumatic and part of it remains unprocessed#and it wasn't traumatic and you are just a forking wuss#Anyways if nobody gets my my man Lord Peter gets me
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i love seven but it is also very annoying how media overall is more willing to sympathise with characters who committed countless atrocities and talk at length about their redemption arks particularly in comparison to oppressed characters whose fight against status quo is always being framed as terrorism :-)
#i love voyager but maquis thing in particular PISSES ME OFF#thus i am rather content with them not bringing it up very often#i also want to talk more about the episode called jetrel. because i LOVED its neelix content but the whole 'forgive your aggressors'#and how janeway in particular didnt seem to understand why neelix was reacting poorly to the man who literally designed the device who wipe#his home planet? 1) kind of hard to watch when you had your hometown being raised to the ground not so long ago#2) this is among the reasons why i dont see j/c working out in the long run outside of whatever it is that they are having#they are awfully attracted to each other but most of the time they have staggeringly different worldview which chakotay chooses to sweep#under the rug bc he hyperfixed on janeway for his own mental stability. in his own words.#at least this is how i see it#why did i use 'in particular' three times in this post
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just had an ‘oh shiiiiit’ moment bc what if it isn’t chris who gets hurt playing basketball but actually eddie? looking at the script again from a different perspective, instead of maddie reassuring buck it could be maddie misunderstanding what happened
“it was an accident, [_] knows you didn’t do it on purpose”
‘buck doesn’t say anything’
“evan. you didn’t do it on purpose did you?”
to me that could read like maddie realising like “wait, DID he??” especially bc he says nothing after she first ‘reassures’ him, kinda gives off guilty vibes
maybe buck and eddie argue and buck lashes out and eddie gets hurt? not seriously obviously, just like pushed over and sprains his wrist or something and that’s why buck ‘hasn’t really talked to him’
🤯
Dude, I've been thinking about this but I haven't felt like actually saying anything because people can be mean lol, so I'm so with you on this. He could have very much hurt Eddie. Even more with the tendency this show has of putting buddie in situations in places we will never see again (the fountain, the equine therapy place, the graveyard) so a basketball court could absolutely fit that pattern, and like, things are rocky between them, is very easy to give that impression considering where they are on the season finale, and you take freshly broken up with Buck (if the Natalia is not coming back thing is true) and you create some sort of tension between the two, to have Buck react and do something dumb, and accidentally hurt Eddie, makes sense. Like push him too hard on a play, or throw a ball he would trip on, something that's an accident but could not be if Buck analyzes it enough. And it's really easy to get hurt on a basketball court, I played for like, 7 years, and dude, the dumb ways I hurt myself are ridiculous lol, so like, it could be Eddie and Buck is scared of his reaction. Chris is the easiest to assume, and easiest to hurt, a ball to his crutches and he sprains his ankle or something, but Eddie himself is very much still a possibility. And Eddie dismissing Buck if he tried to help makes more sense than Buck leaving a hurt Chris behind. Unless the situation involves the 3 of them and Eddie is gonna go full overprotective dad because initially it seems worse than it is, let's say there's a moment they think Chris actually broke a bone or something, that lashing out is a reaction we've seen from Eddie before, fear is a powerful things, so even if Eddie doesn't react towards him because he's worring about Chris, Buck assuming Eddie is mad at him could be based on some logic. Also Eddie getting hurt and just saying I'm fine, I'm gonna go home and ice it, and Buck absolutely spiraling that Eddie hates him now is super on brand for Buck.
#i think we are giving both buck and eddie too much credit#don't get me wrong i love both of them very much but like#they react extremely sometimes#so they can absolutely react extremely to each other in a high emotion situation#like for instance thinking Chris broke a bone in a situation Buck created#or even they are playing one on one and they are talking and playing and someone says something#and things get out of control in whatever way#the only way i see buck leaving a hurt Chris is if Chris himself asks him to leave#so theres a lot to speculate on that#its hard to settle on something#but yeah eddie himself is totally a possibility#911 speculation#911 spoilers#911#anon 😌#i really need a tag for asks
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All the angst got the brain kicking and thinking about the human's side too and how they could survive the menagerie of danger they stumbled on. So, Sally's sleepwalking mode is blind to the world and loud/odd sounds activate her more violent side, right?
If the human that enters the studios is quiet enough and vigilant enough to realize the other puppets don't dare to go near Sally, could they end up using Sally's ring of light as a 'safe' zone? Or just tiptoe just behind her robes as she wanders around until she sleeps again?
It could even be the same pic with the whole group staring but slightly tinted blue and bam! Its a twisted game of tag, but its better than facing off with the titanic dog. Let alone what the bird would do.
HA thats a really funny mental image! scooby-doo shenanigans if i may! Sally is a bit too sensitive to sound for that to work, but... that does make me Think...
#she reacts to Any sound not just loud or strange ones#a quiet sigh would catch her attention just as easily as a shout#Especially from so close#lmfao but the human would be So misunderstanding the game of tag#the human: aha! loophole! youre not gonna get me!!!#the neighbors: oh my fucking god get away from her you're going to die#wh lights out au#rambles from the bog#they Know what sally can do to a person!#its very messy and they dont want to deal with it!#blood is very hard to get out of fabric you know
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Though all the layers, it’s still me
#hurray for accurately drawn height!!!!#I’m going to ramble a lot in the tags so just bear with me#Sometimes I like to imagine that the seeker’s just part of many acts (many s/is) because even though I have all that backstory#And even though it doesn’t line up with me as a person (context: the seeker has no memories) and even though I feel distant from the seeker#It’s still me. That character is still me at its very core#It sometimes makes it hard to imagine Informant comforting the seeker since they don’t face the same issues I do#So I imagine the ‘persona’ melting away to reveal me as a person#That one post that’s like ‘no matter how small the shard of mirror is — you’re still reflected in it’ I can’t remember the exact phrasing#here’s a confession: It’s hard to imagine informant reacting to the real me#I just hope he still loves me with my many flaws#art tag!!#arsene-blogging
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before i start answering more asks i wanted to say i really appreciate all the nice messages and positive feedback for this recent chapter. it just really means a lot that people are enjoying this story and the characters and relating to mc. i'm honestly kinda overwhelmed, i didn't expect it at all, so i've just been totally blown away this weekend by all the messages 🖤
#sorry im being corny lmfao#again its been really overwhelming (in a good way) and really surprised me#it's hard sharing something kinda personal and not knowing how people will react#and obviously it's still only ch3 but i definitely felt nervous about this chapter specifically for the intimate scenes#and a lot of the gender stuff#and that big conversation with hana#a lot of that stuff is just pulled straight from my own experience or the experiences of other butches that i've read#so it's really incredible seeing so many people relate to it or at the very least enjoy it#personal
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the absolute visceral reaction my body has to the end of mag 101 is horrific. no matter if i know its happening i still feel like IM the one disintegrating and distorting slowly and painfully for the last time before i cease to exist.
anyways its one of my fav episodes
#tma#the magnus archives#michael shelley#honkygaytalks#mag 101#tma spoilers#listen i react very hard to sounds#so this podcast has been more of a jumpscare trip than the horror its supposed to be#i just end up grinning at the scary bits in statements
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kinda a redraw of the first ever drawing of a human (or more accurately. something that looks like a human usually) that i drew out of my own free will under the influence of an energy drink drank too late and inspiration wave from watching a warrior cats speedpaint. the biggest furry ever has been officially drawing weird humans for a year now 🎉
didnt want to draw fiona just standing so here she is in a "i need to wag my tail but i have no tail" situation. based on my fic that only two people have read. also i didnt use any references for either drawing. only a screenshot of fiona from the game just to get her design accurately
#the first drawing is so ugly. i still struggle so fucking bad we people and our stupid faces#but theres a lot of progress!!!#yay#also while drawing this i thought#fiona is like oh im soo butch. and then will react to everything so hard. she will get very upset about some minor thing#and shes so annoyed that shes like that she wish she could be tough so bad!!#so i think that could be another reason why shes rarely hanging out in her werewolf form#like she doesnt need additional body language . no ears lying flat not tail between her legs#i hope this goes without saying but you absolutely can be a butch and also an emotional wreck#its just that she has a problem with that. towards herself#notes app#my art#2024#2023#3000
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waiting for files to upload and having a moment about feelings ive had my entire life but never realized i had
#saw a tiktok where someone described feeling like a 'placeholder friend' and i was like. oh. yeah. thats a feeling i have#god its crazy to think about. when i would see stuff about always feeling like you're weird i didnt think that applied to me#until i thought about it more and realized i HAVE always been very aware that im seen as 'weird' i just didnt always see it as a bad thing#i feel like it was also hard to look inward about my behavior bc i was so thoroughly convinced i was normal. despite trying to adjust my -#- behavior to what i thought people do. trying to react like how i thought people were supposed to react#trying to cover up my actual thought processes behind things and fabricate what i thought was more normal reasoning#despite all of that i was unironically like 'thank god im the only normal one here' for SO LONGGGG#learning that i was probably autistic when i was like 16 sent my whole world crumbling down LOL#all because i took an autism quiz for fun. i was so sure that i wasnt. so i took the quiz. and then i scored highly#and then i looked into it more and thought more about myself and Oops! that all kinda describes me!#so. yeah. been having a moment tonight. evaluating my feelings ive had all my life and whatever#usually knowing im different doesn't get me down all that often. but it kinda is tonight! just a little#its probably because its 1 in the morning right now. ill be less emotional when its not the middle of the night#but. man
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All the younger spideys keep finding ways to annoy superior cuz they know he isn't going to do anything except verbally react in a way that's so old man core that it is funny to them. They frequently prank that loser and he genuinely thinks hes just struggling to keep up with Kids These Days </3 but also if they request him to do something he will try even if hes suspicious of it (because he has a soft spot for kids and if he doesn't they'll go running to Peter slandering him) and everytime it ends with him being hit with a Delicious Pie to the face
#ESPECIALLY miles gwen pav and peni and margo because i know superior would support them all the way#hobie does it the best but superior still only at most yells at him to GET OUTT because again he is trying so hard#this probably makes no sense but see my beautiful mind:#superior is some old man hes trying his very best to be nicer and wants to help whoever he can to make up for his past.#plus he has a soft spot for kids especially cuz he wants to give them the support he never got#thats canon btw and also he wants people to like him (canon also) and he knows he has to work with these people#so the younger spideys can just go up to him and prank him sillystyle and he will always react so genuinely its so funny...#again view my beautiful mind: miles tells him to put his hand on the table and hes like . ok morales do u need my help or...#and then miles puts a cup full of water on his hand and hes trapped there or the water spills on all his tech#(very fixable situation but its for the gaffs the goofs.. and also stick it to the old people)#one time hobie tells him to spell icup and he goes im not falling for that. next hour hobie tells peter superior creased miles' shoes and#[the wolves get me]#superior spider man#superior spiderman#elliot tolliver#synth speaks#to be very clear superior would 100% be on miles' side he believes strongly in always trying to save people and also deciding ur own destiny
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Why do I feel so immature compared to literally everyone I interact with. Why does everyone treat me like I am some naive baby that needs to be protected. Why does everyone act like I am incapable of putting myself out there to get things done.
#is it the way I dress? is it because I have different experiences than a lot of other people?#is it my hobbies? is it the way I talk? the way I carry myself?#my mannerisms?#I really hate it whatever it is#sometimes I wonder if it's something I am doing on purpose subconsciously to like protect myself from criticism#but I honestly hate it. I do not enjoy feeling like a baby#I do not enjoy being treated like a baby#this isn't really about anything in particular.. just some things that were said/done tonight and the way I was feeling with some people#and the way I've been feeling in grad school for the past couple weeks and some things that have been said over those weeks#and things people have said and done at my previous job#and things my family has been saying and doing recently but also other things they have done for years before this#and things people at church and camp used to say and do and the way they treated me#and even sometimes the way friends will treat me or talk to me or react to things I say or do#I am just tired of it. why am I infantilized like this. why do I feel it so much in my head too#I am an adult. I want to feel like an adult. I want to be treated as such#I am just frustrated#I am not stupid. I am not incapable. I am not naive. I am working very hard to not be such a pushover and address my anxiety#I am working to be better about self-advocacy and assertiveness and such#but its like all anyone else sees is a quiet helpless stupid child#is this a neurodivergent thing. is this like a 'oh you are so smart but you dont understand anything in the world at all' sort of situation#is it a white christian woman image thing? like a white woman tears thing? do people do this because I am emotionally manipulating them?#do I look like a small wet animal with the saddest eyes imaginable to other people?#I dont know. it bothers me a lot. I think about this so fucking frequently. I wish it would stop
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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#no one ever touches me#and it bugs me a little#my friend who insists over and over he is very touchy and thats how he engages with the people he likes#does no touch me#no hand on the shoulder#no bumping into me without apology#no poking#or interacting#I think about how I have not had a partner in person in years. not since. 7th grade. 6 year ago.#and and thats not to . degrade on my relationship at all i love my partner#but i just#sometimes it worms its way under my skin that no one has actively chossen to hold me in a long time#that no one touches me at all#it feels sometimes like there is this horrible horrible plague within me and theyre afraid they will contract#that they simply must keep a distance#I think about the fact that in a group of friends. they made a fat joke at me#and i brushed it off and we all laughed and i know i know i know and im sorry im sorry i look like this#im sorry#and im trying#i eat less#i do#Ive been watching every calorie#Ive started throwing up recently#some of its involentary ive been like reacting to grease but some of it is less so#i think too long about how my body looks. about how many people around me refuse to touch me#and it jsut. leaves#im carefull#Im so so careful#I track every calorie like its bible study#I try so hard to make myself into something that people will want to touch
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