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#sometimes it worms its way under my skin that no one has actively chossen to hold me in a long time
imthatwannabeauthor
·
2 months
Text
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#no one ever touches me
#and it bugs me a little
#my friend who insists over and over he is very touchy and thats how he engages with the people he likes
#does no touch me
#no hand on the shoulder
#no bumping into me without apology
#no poking
#or interacting
#I think about how I have not had a partner in person in years. not since. 7th grade. 6 year ago.
#and and thats not to . degrade on my relationship at all i love my partner
#but i just
#sometimes it worms its way under my skin that no one has actively chossen to hold me in a long time
#that no one touches me at all
#it feels sometimes like there is this horrible horrible plague within me and theyre afraid they will contract
#that they simply must keep a distance
#I think about the fact that in a group of friends. they made a fat joke at me
#and i brushed it off and we all laughed and i know i know i know and im sorry im sorry i look like this
#im sorry
#and im trying
#i eat less
#i do
#Ive been watching every calorie
#Ive started throwing up recently
#some of its involentary ive been like reacting to grease but some of it is less so
#i think too long about how my body looks. about how many people around me refuse to touch me
#and it jsut. leaves
#im carefull
#Im so so careful
#I track every calorie like its bible study
#I try so hard to make myself into something that people will want to touch
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