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5, 9, 32?
5. Favourite Sidekick?
ERMMMMMMM….. Carpet
9. Favourite Walt Disney Animated Pictures movie?
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I literally can recite this movie verbatim I’m not even kidding. Music cues included. (tho bear in mind i probably can cuz my earliest memories are sharing a room with my younger sister for almost a decade, and we had access to the VCR. If our tv was an ipad or something and the vcr was youtube, this was her baby shark and i was at it’s mercy.)
No shade though, I genuinely have an affection for this movie, It’s just really solid. Sometimes I need that simplicity man 😩
32. Name a Disney movie you haven't seen and tell us why
I haven’t seen… A handful, I think? Honestly i can probably list them. I haven’t seen Make Mine Music, Fun and Fancy Free, Melody Time, The Black Cauldron, Dinosaur, Home on the Range, and Ralph Breaks the Internet. As for why?? Mostly just happenstance (three of these are just mostly short compilations because war era— tho i’ll probably see them eventually). I only just recently narrowed down this list ….. tho I havent seen that ralph internet movie cuz i don’t know if i can handle that level of cringe and IP boasting- and I’ve seen Space Jam 2. I saw the princess scenes in a comp anyway and that’s probably all i needed to see (and even then i egghhhhhhh…. I dunno man…. Thats a rabbit hole in itself too. Something tells me that movie will just reaffirm my cynicisms towards the absolute state™️ of media and that company. But I honestly don’t feel like putting on my serious cap right now)
- for the meme
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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i think what has helped keep me motivated + curious abt all matters of the world is to acknowledge when smthng is not for me. it's too broad, advanced, unrelatable, or just unlikable, & instead of being discouraged or frustrated in my inability to understand or enjoy, i say "this not for me, but i can recognize it may be for someone else." OR, & this helps me the most, i say "this is not for me right now. months or years from now, this may suit me better."
#mike unknowingly helped me lasso this mindset when we were talking abt grit#i said oh i don't like grit very much. all the poems are so... not what id write now#& he was like si... you wrote some of those when you were 16 17 18... yr in yr 20s now#of course you'd write them differently! yr life is different! yr different from who you were then#& it just... flipped a switch in me#like okay!! nearly everything has its timely application & the sooner i understand & apply that the easier it will be to both love & hate!
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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🗡 mad cowboy disease....
#‡ ooc#high noon tbt.#thinking of Them while walking to the shops... on my own little quest...#there may be typos but ignore them#listened through mars hn yone playlist i loved watching the 2 hr movie in my head#listening through my hn playlost now maybe ill make tals a spotofy thing too for easier listening....#got so many little scenes in my head#talon munching any lil bug/lizard critter they catch. whether they actually Need to eat is unspecified#but you know. probably. anyway thinking evilly at how i can describe their meals as either tantalising or DISGusting#talon being afraid of ending up an almalgam of feathers and sludge but ove talked abt that before#need to write more talon monologues or story times#reminiscing now. will add more later#talon trying their best to get through a Normal Human interaction on a bar or smth tryong to hide what they are and keep their hat low but-#and theres always a but- someone either catches a glimpse of theor face n compliments them or gets in theor way like 'hey-' or they catch#a glance at feathers or brimstone....#talon getting chased to be put in one of those carnie 'strange encounters' shows... they either do get caught or...#get rid of their would-be captors#time for more thoughts. i need to design talons demonic form and maybe even what their gradual corruption looked like 🤔#i also need to decide on a few factors abt how im treating their cape as tendrils instead... like if they naturally had 5 or lost one...#and how much control over individual segments they have#thinkin abt talon getting in trouble but not like. threat of death danger maybe a malevolent third party who wants them for something else#be it their blood or feathers or smth like that. maybe even after REDACTED and they get a bounty set by the sulfur king for REDACTED reason#to be brought back alive and hunters go after em......#oh. who can a demon slash half angel turn to in these trying times... 🥺😔 not that they want to rely on anyone#talon would rather die than rely on another creature for help. im kidding. :] or am i#thinking abt the thing i said to mars like. after their travels together talon tries to keep their distance from rell and yone but.#fate or something worse keeps bringing them back together. i said it better beforehand but anyway.#if its during this time of being hunted and they cross ways i can imagine talon not staying long at all or just turning 180 at the sight#part the fear the other two will join this hunt as well. the other part is that theyll be in danger if talon asks for help...#nor do they want to owe a debt to these two ough 😒
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cross-posting my ii finale review from twt to here too. guys rambling on twt SUCKS >:( had to break i tup into TEN POSTS ARE YUO FOR RRAL
anyway.
WAITT im in a ranting mood ok. im actually rlly Happy NOT HAPPY uhmmm satisfied but NOT SATISFIED EITHER ughh. im. glad the choice was for mephone 4 to leave. i like that its left open, for the same reason i like why marshmallow leaving in ep 11 was written so definitively. she wanted to get away from the show. and so she Did, completely. she wasnt even in the Comics after that!! she got what she wanted, kind of, sort of. and i feel the same way abt mephone too. he NEEDED to step back from it all, for himself and the people around him, imo. i mean, like he says, he only Made the show to get one up on cobs, and now cobs is gone and mephone needs to figure out who he is Without cobs' influence anymore. i think this is ultimately good for him, the best that couldve happened. and im not upset the contestants aren't sad enough, or whatever. becuz mephones story is Explicitly one abt parental abuse, and like it or not he kind of did the same thing to the contestants that cobs did to him, just in ykno. kind of different ways. they have complicated feelings towards each other and im not surprised most of them didnt react. i doubt most of them knew What to do at all given the situation! i think it was a rlly good choice, narratively speaking. i think it represents the kind of mixed emotions that parental abuse can cause, esp when its in mephones case where it was rlly just a super unfortunate circumstance. ik mephone isnt rlly their parental figure and the crew has stated that he isnt their dad, which i agree with! i like how complex their relationships all are. they feel more real that way? i guess? idk.
sorry this is all becuz i saw a post that read how someone was sad mephone left his support system. but like. the contestants dont rlly Want to be that for him, and not even rlly for each other all the way either, and they dont Have to be. a lot of the cast arent friends and i like that perspective! yeah it sucks that mephone left them, but they all have rlly mixed emotions abt each other, i feel. mephone was in a position of authority that he would occasionally abuse, just out of inexperience and naivete. so the feeling left over is complicated. MUCH LIKE [insert anecdote from my childhood. waves hands nonchalantly to avoid revealing too much abt my personal life].
it resonated with me. i can see a lot of my own relationships reflected in mephone's with the contestants. so YEAH i think the ending was rlly good ^_^ it reminded me a lot of the sturggles i have both as someone with. Not Ideal but also Not Terrible parents. like cobs was inarguably awful, and i think partly mephone thought he couldnt be as bad becuz he wasnt Like That, but it made him underestimate his actions and he ended up overlooking a lot of stuff and hurting his contestants in more emotional ways. Not That I Would Know Anything About That Ha Ha. and now he feels bad. but he doesnt know how to fix it, because you Cant fix it, not without significant personal growth that he seems to recognize Isnt going to happen if he sticks around. so he leaves. for himself, but i think for the contestants also. he doesnt know how to apologize, and i think he feels really guilty too. and the contestants cant say anything becuz Its True and Hes Right, and hoenstly a few of them are probably Happy to see him go too, so they let him leave. idk. its just weird living in that middle space where someone who deeply loves you is also someone whos caused a Lot of your problems. I think part of mephones problem too is that he views them as characters on his show. not like entirely, they're People to him of course, not like how cobs treats his creations. but they also serve a purpose to mephone, to be his friends and entertain him. i do think he genuinely cares about them but i think he also probably has kind of an objectification of them in his mind? uhm. Not That I Would Kno- [gets shot]
tl;dr like. mephone didnt mean to hurt the contestants, but he did because of tragic events beyond his control. but that cant excuse his actions and its a hard situation to fix. tbh there isnt rlly a solution. so him leaving felt profound and understandable. there COULD be a reconciliation, another spin-off series to elaborate and write in a redemption arc. but for now there Isnt. and i dont think there rlly Has to be? i like the bittersweetness. idk. anyway rant over Probably Maybe Idk
#ive uhhh. been having a lot of trouble with my mother & father recently. can you tell?#mephone 4..... god..... how do i even...... oh my god#sorry if this is all over the place. i think maybe im working through something here and it isnt entirely abt mephone 4 after all#its hard. when the people who love you are also. flawed in ways that hurt you. when you know they arent lying about how deeply they care bu#that doesnt erase the damage the years of pain and anger and resentment and struggle and. we're still talking abt mephone 4#right...?#its the cycle of abuse i guess. and mephone realized that and he needed to break it and he only knew one way how. and so he has to leave#its heavy. idk. sorry i thought abt this too much loll#altho tbh the contestants might have an easier time of it than i do cuz mephone is just Some Guy to most of them loll i dont think they rll#think of him as their dad. not Most of them anyway maybe like One or Two.#tbh this whole situation is probably a LOT harder for mephone just becuz of. being the last connection to it all. the contestants can kind#of just move on now imo. but mephone has to bear the weight of what hes done forever#idk#idk. anyway. [sniffs]
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last rb n some of the other shit ive been seeing this week only makes that one post i keep seeing on my dash thats like "this just proves kids need to grow up on tumblr" or whatever so much funnier like 90% of the people on this website arent like the stupidest people youve ever seen in your life
#txt#did yall forget hitlerkin started here? 😭#like i really dont know what yall r talking abt when u say Oh tumblr is so much better girl no its just as bad#but the algorithm fucking sucks and its easier to block and remove shit u dont wanna see so it gives u the impression of peace (at times)#but trust and fucking believe this website is terrible its always been terrible i was 12yo getting asked if my dad was a rapist n word here#like do not fool urself into thinking people on here are smart
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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the crazy thing is that the way the world is makes it seem impossible to actually do the work to get better and be at peace with yourself and be comfortable in your skin.
#you can do all the work and society will constantly unravel it or create even more issues for you#i know i don’t need to dwell on it too much bc there are actions i and others can take in the hope of bettering society#it just gets so discouraging to see how much ppl hate and hate#how the american right wants to control its ppl utterly and completely and eliminate all the deviants#and how all their efforts don’t even make sense to me in anyway bc i cannot fathom what they even get out of it#like okay. you have all the power now. now what? what happens when you aren’t in office anymore. what happens when you die.#what will all of that effort have gotten you in the end?#what’s the point of making ppl suffer endlessly and continuously#i don’t think i will ever really get it.#doesn’t help that trans people aren’t really accepted anywhere.#it’s so so easy to get discouraged and not want to continue transitioning in the hope that it will be easier#but it’s either transition or love on the edge of suicide#i don’t really have many trans friends to talk to abt this. and the ones i do have aren’t/havent begun medical transition#idk i need to stop yapping#this post is very american srry guys
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why is presenting and passing as masc so hard. I hate this stupid world can we like remove gender please and thank you
#jinx's hijinks#like this fucking gender dysphoria man its kicking my ass rn#like being some form of genderfluid/genderqueer is a struggle for me at least and like it hurts so bad#because i want to be a biy and act like one andd dress like one abd be faggy and masc but nooo#i love being trans like so much but my god it should be easier but this shit show of a society has these stupid fucking made up rules#and no matter how much i know its all just a concept and i dont have to abide by it i just wsnt to go one day without being misgendered#i wish i could just tell the people around me what its like and them all to understand for once#theres like one other trans guy i know irl and we arent that close to really talk abt that stuff#like hes really cool and weve talked a little bit abt gender and shit bc he clocked me as trans from the secondbhe saw me#but like god i wish this was easier#anyways#sorry abt that#rant in tags#tw rant
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oh yea in 3 days its gonna be my 1 month anniversary of being in japan???? it literally has barely felt like a weak wtf(<- going thru the horrors)
#def forming some..new alters from this lol#been journalling abt my delusions most of the time just to stay sane(which is what i'd do at home anyway)#i always say shit like 'yea i cant talk to my alters' which im coming to terms with not entirely being true#its just not as much as it used to be. but the more isolated i am the more i notice it#(i was supperrrrr isolated during that og period which is why it got the way it did)#but i think it just comes with getting used to it. its more mixed n blurry when 2 alters are fronting so it makes it less distinct#but there is dialog happening. whether it just be back and forth or a helper coming in to get me thru the night.#'me' being whoevers fronting obv#like. i am in a small room that only fits a bed n a small desk n fridge. the air conditioner kills me stimulation wise. but i need it on.#outside its 29 degrees(hot) at NIGHT but i fight thru it just so i can go on my nightly sanity swings. i cant see the stars.#theres been a cold going around for weeks and i cant do anything about it.#at least the anticipation anxiety for my potential apartment has died down a bit..not entirely but its easier now#idk. even tho i know i'll probably only get the apartment for like 4 months(IF i get it) i have to tell myself its for my benifit#its not a fix all forever home. its a place to finally chill for a bit. to go to the beach. to go on hikes in the forest.#to have a bigger enclosure all to myself#godddd i need to buy a water filter i hate having to go BUY WATER everyday(<- doesnt trust the tap water. per usual.)
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no offence but why are all the solutions to issues caused by trauma therapy. what if i Cant do that right but still want to not be like this.
#like why is this website like 'analyze what u think the cause of this issue is if u think its a childhood trauma get therapy for ur trauma#if not then do xyz thing thats much easier than having access to therapy'#like is there an xyz for when the root is trauma. please plese please. at least tell me im allowed to talk to ppl abt it#idk if its smart for me to do that or not#im actually getting kind of like. rly upset suddenly like idk#like i feel like the step one i keep being presented in healing and getting better with issues caused by trauma is.#not being in the situation that caused the trauma. but it feels so impossible for me to ever get out#and im just trying to do what i can to like. heal or deal with it as much as i can but ik thats not much when im still in tht situation#and feel so trapped in it#like just. ugh such a selfish thing to say abt an issue tht affects so many others sm worse than me#but like. couldnt late stage capitalism and the recession its brings with it not have happened like. 20 yrs from now#so i didnt have to deal with the fact that getting out of my traumatic situation is impossible alongside the traumatic situation#just idk. it all sucks sm and i just wanna get out of it. can we please find a way to make tumblr accts private so#i can fianlly start a facking yt without weirdos deciding the interactions w freinds and vent posts i use this acct for#are their entertainment bc ithink having a 'job' saying my silly little thoguhts abt media online is my only hope love and light#flappy rambles
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btw i think its extremely funny that there's a bobs burgers episode about somebody grieving for their dead loved one and holding onto reminders of them, how they died too young and talking about how they never got to meet gene louise or tina and how they wouldve loved them so much etc etc and somehow its NOT about bob's mom, who is like the only character where that plot would make sense
#it was about linda's grandpa btw#I DONT HATE THE EPISODE ITS JUST SO FUNNY TO ME they hate talking abt bob's mom so goddamn much#im begging for crumbs and theyre like lets do episodes that are deconstructions of grief about linda's grandpa and a dog#that used to live in her neighborhood <3 god bless America#i feel like its a mix of linda being more emotional and expressive with her grief vs bob who went through something that was presumably#a lot more traumatic for him and his childhood#he isnt very emotional and he probably avoids thinking about her due to a mix of his dad kinda putting this idea in his head#that talking about her or telling stories is bad and it makes ppl upset#and also just feeling guilty for not visting her grave more often or really including her in anything#he feels like he failed as a son so he kinda represses all of that#bobs burgers analysis time i guess!!!! whatevr#its just funny 2 me i love that episode#<- WANTED TO ADD on a meta level its bcuz the writers didnt know what to do with her or how to talk about her#bcuz she would be a bigger part of the show#vs other random characters who are dead and dont really matter. so its easier#bob's burgers#txt
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i feel like theres something funny in how while i vehemently hate totk, i genuinely loved and enjoyed the depths, which are considered one of the worst parts of the game
#im being dead serious when i say if there was a game mode that was just. go open all the lightroots. id be all over it#very genuinely had a good time in the depths i think i treated it like one massive traversal puzzle#and ended up making the best use of ultrahand down there#something very captivating abt being able to see n know exactly where the next lightroot is but having very little idea what’s in between#tbh its a good thing i loved the depths so much bc then it made upgrading the zonai battery nothing at all for me#bc i was hoarding zonite along the way anyways and it then made it easier to find the remaining lightroots#also i liked the weird landscape tbh. it is very empty once you open it up and i wish there was more flora and fauna but i did enjoy it#salty talks#im tempted to start a new save just to do the depths again but that requires. doing the tutorial. and finding the aboveground shrines#kind of. mostly so you dont die immediately in the depths. ugh how i hate the rest of the game attached to the depths
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#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing#so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.#anyway… just… …#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired#ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this#but i have to just. deal with.#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them#to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation#im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well#& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins#joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.
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#anyway.#i cba to . rehash everything rn so this is gonna b out of context (im almost breaching the nda)#i have to fucking zwrve him again i might just spit in his drink actually .#like . im half splitting bx im hurt .ike half of this is fuelled by an episode of some kind#++ likw i am absolutely reacting over Nothing rn .#but . ive had enough lmao im gonna have to talk to osme9ne#and ask abt working at the other place bc this is . imapcting ky ability to work. like 100%#like AHDJEBDIDHSIDJDSIJD. i had a fucking panic attack + got him kicked iut#bc i couldnt FOCUS . i was hyperventilating .#i cant do this anymore. all od this is awful .#im running out of options idk what to do anymore lolololololol#im not going uptosn this . week either .#im gonna use the $50 i was saving on . another lot of 🌿 instead .#i cant do this . i cant fucking be around him anymors. i cant exist in the same orbit as him .#this is fuckign bullshit its Killing Me.#so i rlly gotta fucking Retreat that feels.so Fucking Pathwtic#that . im in such an emotionally confused Nd heightened stats#that i cant even go n be around ppl i like ha ging oit w . bc theres such a high fucking chance hes gonna b there#like. i know what ur doing. ur not that cruel . not unless u had smrh to prove#or . was trying to get a reaxrion from me. congrats u achieved it. but its not the one u aanted !#like i could b reading that wrobg. the alternative is . he rlly hates me that much he Wantes to hurt me#deliberatsly.#theres a differencs jn this but i dont wanna talk abt it.#anywat that is Not Coherent but i know what im referring to .#i wanna fucking Hate Him. like if i could just Hate Him.#thatd Be So Much Easier. but No. its not .#like i rlly had to tell my fucking manager#that my ex was here n i was fucking Panucking so much i needed him kicked iut.#i wasnt even Sure how to fucking . likw . saying it was abusive to her uust so i didnt have to L99k at him was so fucked up#its not . Entirely Wrong. vut . i hate referring to it as an abusice relationship bx it doesnt entirely make sense
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