#i love being trans like so much but my god it should be easier but this shit show of a society has these stupid fucking made up rules

[vengeful4ever]

why is presenting and passing as masc so hard. I hate this stupid world can we like remove gender please and thank you

[ceilidhtransing]

It's frankly horrifying how blasé some American queer people are being about the stripping away of legal rights under a potential Trump administration.

I'm very aware that queer politics and queer liberation are bigger than just “what's legal” or “what the state allows us to do” or whatever. Queer people have a very long history of existing without state support and building our own community structures when the rest of society fails us. But oh my god this doesn't mean that our legal rights aren't important. Protection against discrimination is important. The right to marry is important. Being able to access legal HRT is important. The right to legal gender change is important. Adoption rights are important. Protection against “gay panic” and “trans panic” defences is important. Not being classified as a “mental illness” or a “sex crime” is important. Having laws that are on our side isn't everything but it sure as hell isn't nothing.

I feel like some queer people today have this idealised, romanticised idea of what life was like for the queer community in the west in the 60s, 70s, 80s - this sense that Yes It Was Tough, But It Wasn't Anything We Couldn't Deal With, that it was more “radical” and “punk” and “politically pure” and so really we should be wanting to return to that because That Was When All The Cool Grassroots Queer Organising Was Happening before we started getting proper legal protections.

But a lot of the organising that people were doing back then - not all, but a lot - was towards the very rights that some people now don't seem too concerned about throwing away. They fought hard for stuff like anti-discrimination protections and HRT access and I know that's not “glamorous”, it's not “throwing bricks at cops”, but it's important activism that makes a genuine material difference to the lives of so many queer people. They wouldn't have fought so hard for these rights if they didn't matter. And the idea that acknowledging this is somehow “anti-revolutionary” or “bootlicking” or whatever is absurd.

And from these people there's so little recognition of the fact that actually, for many of us, we didn't survive this era. Or we survived but endured so much avoidable suffering. There's a tendency to romanticise “community organising” that tries to compensate for a hostile state while forgetting that community organising can't save everyone. [And it's much, much easier to do community organising when you have a modicum of legal protection. It's a lot harder to organise your queer community pantry and support hotline and safe sex supplies dispensary when the law now defines running any kind of queer venue as “child grooming” or “a public obscenity” or whatever and starts jailing people for it.] Don't rose-tint this time as one of Cool Underground Radicalism without acknowledging that a hell of a lot of people suffered and died because society was far more hostile to them and they didn't have the legal framework that we have now.

Am I saying that, because queer people have some legal rights now, everything is lovely and perfect? That queer activism is “finished because we have gay marriage now”? No. Of course not. Inequality persists. Discrimination persists. The rights that currently exist still don't protect everyone equally, especially where queerness intersects with other forms of marginalisation. There is still so much more to push for.

But pushing for more is completely incompatible with allowing a rollback of what we already have. This casual “so what if Trump takes away our rights; I'm still not voting Democrat” is a spit in the face of all the people who fought so hard for queers to have these rights. Throwing away your vote in order to make a political point and thus allowing someone into power who plans to remove legal rights for queer people - and who is also unimaginably worse than his opponent on basically every other issue - is not what queer activism looks like, and this casual willingness to sacrifice hard-fought rights is demonstrative of either immense privilege or an incredible blindness to what life is like for queer people who don't enjoy these rights. There are queer people in the world who are still fighting for their identities not to be fucking criminalised, who will be looking at the attitude of essentially “who cares if Trump gets into power and sets fire to decades' worth of queer legal victories, if that's what it takes to prove a point to the Democrats” with utter appalment. (And if you're not queer, but are perfectly unconcerned about sacrificing our rights on the altar of Refusing To Vote For A Democrat, that is disgusting, and you are not an ally.)

People fought so hard to have these rights. Rolling them back will have horrific consequences. Please don't just toss them away.

[ghostsandmermaids]

Fandom Manifesto: Hello From The Hallowoods

(Originally written for the Fandomanifesto community on Pillowfort.)

Here's a (mostly spoiler-free) fandom manifesto for my favorite podcast, Hello From The Hallowoods. (Please try to keep the comments on this post spoiler-free as well.)

What is a fandom manifesto?

Inspired by ship manifestos, a fandom manifesto is an essay meant to introduce people to a fandom and promote it by explaining its appeal. It's a really fun tradition that I would love to keep going.

What is Hello From The Hallowoods?

Darker than your dreams, and farther North than you remember, there is a forest where life and death meet…

Hello From The Hallowoods is a queer horror podcast written and produced by William A. Wellman (they/them). This is the official description (taken from Spotify):

Come walk between the black pines! In this award-winning queer fiction podcast, a cosmic narrator follows the increasingly connected residents of the forest at the end of the world. It's a bittersweet story that explores queer identity, horror genre tropes, and finding hope in humanity's last moments.

It's set in a forest in northern Canada (the Hallowoods) in a post-apocalyptic world plagued by the black rains. The story follows the inhabitants of the Hallowoods—only some of whom are alive and human—as their lives become increasingly interconnected. 

The podcast is narrated by Nikignik (he/they), also known as One Hundred Eyes in the Dark, an eldritch god who speaks directly to the listener via their nightmares. He begins to tell these stories because he's grieving his partner, another god called Marolmar (he/him), and humans were the last thing Marolmar created. Over time, Nikignik changes from a more passive narrator to an active character in the story.

There are a lot of characters, including but not limited to:

a nonbinary Frankenstein's creature piercing together their identity

a trans ghost dealing with his occultist father

an invisible man finding love at first sight

a genderfluid storm witch trying to prove themself

a retired rockstar and her punk butch lesbian daughter

a floral-suit-wearing demon on a celestial audit of earth

a starwolf on a mission to kill said demon

a killer robot skull and his pet dead seagull

an unkindness of ravens (yes, they are one character)

… and many, many more.

How scary is it?

It's a horror podcast, so there are some scary moments, but for me, the story feels very comforting and bittersweet as it explores horror tropes in a really unique way. According to the website:

It's been described as a show that helps you sleep easier, rather than one that keeps you up at night.

The story also explores themes like religious trauma, isolation, death, grief, and queerphobia, so please check the content warnings at the end of each episode description or at the start of each episode transcript. Transcripts are available on the website.

Why should I listen to it?

If the description above didn't convince you, here are some more reasons why you should listen to Hello From The Hallowoods. 

There is so much content! I often complain about books being almost always standalones or duologies lately and TV seasons only being 8-10 episodes. If I really like something, I want to spend as much time with it as possible!

With HFTH, I don't have that problem because there is so much to listen to! There are currently (almost) 150 episodes available (plus a few live shows and bonus episodes), and new episodes come out every Wednesday. There are also weekly 100-word bonus stories on Patreon, and a tie-in novel called One Hundred Eyes In The Dark is currently in the works, so if you're looking for a story you can get really invested in (or if you're angry that all your favorite shows have been canceled), HFTH is perfect for you!

There are so many queer characters, disabled characters, and characters of color! If you're looking for a really diverse show, you will love HFTH. (I cried when I heard a character describe herself as aromantic.) But even aside from the diversity, the characters are just amazing. I mean, "What if Frankenstein's creature got love and support and was an absolute cinnamon roll?" is the perfect character concept. The villains are also really compelling and well-written. 

It's a great introduction to podcasts, especially for book lovers, because it often feels like a very immersive audiobook! The voice acting and music are incredible, and even though there are a lot of characters, you can tell them apart very easily by their voices. If you like fantasy and horror books, this could be your introduction to the world of audio dramas. 

That being said, if you have listened to other horror podcasts before, you will still love this one! It sometimes reminds me of Welcome To Night Vale, but the setting and characters are very unique, and the writing is so, so beautiful. 

It's also a great introduction to horror! I used to avoid horror media because I get scared very easily, but horror podcasts (and especially Hello From The Hallowoods) made me discover how much I actually enjoy horror. HFTH explores horror tropes in such a kind, unique, and hopeful way, and as sappy as that sounds, listening to it makes the horrors of everyday life a little easier to deal with. 

If you like Malevolent (another really great horror podcast), Harlan Guthrie has a guest role in HFTH! You might also recognize Mx. Wellman's voice from other podcasts like WOE.BEGONE, The Silt Verses or Old Gods of Appalachia. 

The fandom is amazing! Everyone is so kind and talented, and we always have a lot of fun theorizing about what will happen next. There's even a fan-run Discord server!

We also have a fan wiki, and in addition to the official information, we also have a "fun gender" for each character. Here are some of my favorites:

Tumblr Sexyman (Official)

Eye-Affiliated Podcast Host

Deer that will fuck you up

Whatever the hell was going on with the guy from Shape Of Water

Nightmare Personality

Hot Topic Goth

Dilf Automobile

How do I listen to it?

You can listen to Hello From The Hallowoods on the podcatcher of your choice. Here are some suggestions from the Hallowoods website:

Spotify

Apple Podcasts

Podbean

YouTube

Google Podcasts

It's not an anthology, so please listen to it from the beginning to see how the different characters and plot threads come together. 

The show is entirely ad-free and sponsor-free, so if you like it and want to financially support it, please consider joining the show’s Patreon.

And that's it! There are many things I didn't include for spoiler reasons, but this should give you a basic idea of what HFTH is about and why I love it so much. 

I hope I convinced you to listen to Hello From The Hallowoods, and maybe you will love it as much as I do!

[ryuichirou]

Replies

New week!

Replies mostly related to our recent posts, but some are miscellaneous (twst related and not). Also, there is a shitpost sketch at the end of the post lol

Anonymous asked:

Just a random question but what was your very first ship?

Can’t even say for certain because it’s been like 20 years already lol But the first one that I called a ship would probably be Cedric/Phobos from W.I.T.C.H.

Look at me loving backstabbing scheming douchebags since day one…

Anonymous asked:

I feel like their was two bodies after the twins delt with things, cause even tiny as heck I can see them taking bodies

(related to this post)

Aw come on, Anon, look at those innocent angels!! (you are absolutely right)

Anonymous asked:

hi i sent the cat dad ask, that was the CUTEST thing i’ve ever read in my entire life it was adorable and everything and more than what i’d hoped for omg!! my flowers are watered, my skin is clear, my illness is cure😭😭😭 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

idia being the most enamored cat dad is so cute AAUGGHHH i think lilia would make matching outfits for him and his cat, maybe with pop music club’s help. vil cooking for his cat!!! 😭😭😭 oh his pretty kitty would have their own engraved bowl. i think vil would send so many pictures to his dad

all of this is extra cute to me with the idea that i had that these strays are probably leading difficult lives on the streets but aren’t scared of humans. it’d be a “to be loved is to be changed” moment (pls look it up it’s before and afters of sad cats and it’s SO CUTE). ok i’m sorry i’ll stop haranguing you about cats JSKDKDKS THANK YOU AGAIN

— shroudswap anon

(related to this post)

Aah, it was you, Shroudswap Anon!!

I am very happy you liked the post, once again thank you for the ask! <3 It really was a lovely one to write! Somehow, it’s easier to write wholesome stuff about boys caring for animals than for each other lol

But also, what have you done, now I’m thinking about Vil sending cat pics to his dad… His dad became a grandpa the day that cat chose Vil as his human lol I’m sure he is going to send them even more gifts than Vil buys for the cat + spoil the cat rotten as much as he can.

But also, what have you done [2], now I’m also thinking about how these strays would be so much happier and healthier with the boys taking care of them :( To be loved is to be changed indeed!! Just look at Jamil smiling to his cat lol

I’m always happy to talk about cats…

Anonymous asked:

Sister Idia must be the very image of a saint with his ethereal glow. Nevermind that the glow is coming from his hair, that's just a physical manifestation of God's grace, obviously.

Also be honest, are the sick nuns getting a healthy diet of shrooms in the infirmary? I guess that's one way to experience mystical ecstasy

(related to our new AU)

The symbolism is all here, Anon! That imagery suits Idia so well. I really want to draw him holding a lamb or something lol

To answer your question… people say that sister Jade cares for the sick ones so well that whenever it’s their time to go, they always die smiling <3 It’s like their pain just went away and they fell asleep peacefully~

So yes, he does feed them with stuff they’re not quite supposed to eat and add some funky additions to the stuff he injects them with lol

m1lk-n-cook1es asked:

The nun au reminds me of a Little Mermaid fanfic from the same author as "Once Upon A Nightmare" that I told you a while back, where mermaids are more inhuman, with tentacles that look like fins in the distance, claws and fangs, and Ariel banging Eric (who is a trans guy) and impregnating him with her eggs

Dark themes and mermaids are always fun!! In fact, I think people should consider merpeople to be dangerous more often lol

Fun idea for a fic though :) Poor Eric lol

Anonymous asked:

I saw your Gidel and Fellow doodle on your twitter about the name change and I LOVE THAT SO MUCH cause I'm also thinking the same thing 🤣

"It's for our disguise Giddy!~" 🦊

Everyone calls him all sort of different names, Fellow said so himself (Episode 1-3) 😆

This bitch probably has done a lot of name changes for his con jobs n shit. (¬‿¬) 💚

(referring to this sketch from a 🔑twt acc, since it’s not for ko-fi and just a shitpost, here you go. He can’t even read the papers...)

Thank you Anon!! <3 Just like any other person I really hate that name change, but thinking about Fellow having lots of different names pacifies me a little bit lol Well, at least it makes me laugh and not want to break walls.

I wonder if Fellow has a guy that helps him out with fake ids… maybe his bosses make it easier for him these days; he probably used to go to various shady people before. But then again, they probably don’t always need to have papers… just come up with a name and go! Right, Ernesto? Good grief…

tardigrade-misfit asked:

Silver looks so adorable in his lil hoodie meanwhile Sebek looks like he only agreed to wear it because it was Malleus themed lol

(related to this post)

Thank you! Yeah, Silver is a cutie pie, as always lol Sebek should wear that hoodie with pride! He is closer to his beautiful waka-sama with those little horns on his hood.

I love these hoodies a lot; they are from that one drawing that Yana did of Diasomnia boys going to a movie theater. Katsu and I both are so obsessed with it; they look so adorable wearing those! I wish Yana did more sketches with characters hanging out like that, but of course I am grateful for everything she already does…

Anonymous asked:

I saw the latest comic about Gidel and Fellow Honest (I refuse to use the English names) on kofi and I think I have a proposition. I’ll be their sugar whatever but I get to touch their fuzzy ears now and again. Do you think they’d accept my terms?

Since we got this ask the same day we posted previously mentioned sketch (also a comic), I assumed you were referring to this one as well, but come to think about it we did have a Gidel and Fellow comic posted on ko-fi the other week…

Regardless! I think you absolutely should be their sugar whatever (… parent?), their sponsor and their financier lol Fellow will refuse at first, but it’s just because he is a bit prideful; maybe after some fuzzy ear touching he’ll reconsider. Keep petting the fox! The little cat will help you.

Anonymous asked:

I too used to hate all things girly when I was younger. Now I’m grown and like to wear kawaii clothes and will kick the asses of those who say otherwise  (◕‿◕✿)

This is exactly what Vil would’ve wanted for you, Anon. And this is exactly what he wants for Epel. 💪😔

Anonymous asked:

Do you do any chesward here?

Nope! Sorry.

[talisidekick]

Thanks for being so compassionate! As someone who's had to defend himself from assault pre transition and assault and attempted trafficking during transition which has contributed to some agoraphobia centered on thoughts like "damn, wasn't safe off T not safe on it", it's been rlly scary seeing ppl shrug off how transmascs are endangered in real life in service of discrediting transandro discourse. Cool seeing who's really real I guess????? anyways hope you're well and warm. Srry about my run on sentence lmao

There is absolutely nothing to apologize for. We only get to see one side publically, and that's pretty much just trans women issues. Media likes to cover just us. I rarely see news stories about just trans men. We don't see the stories about trans men getting stalked or followed around in stores by total strangers, getting attacked in public, rarely a mention if a trans man gets killed. It's happening but you don't see it. You don't see a flood of forum posts about the constant dismissal of, unique brand of hatred around, or the types of dangers faced by trans men.

My introduction to questioning my gender was actually FROM transandrophobia. The reason for this is I've had more of a curvy figure since ... well forever, even though my body was producing T on it's own. I got A LOT of compliments on it by pretty much all my friends (which were mostly girls, and yes that probably should have been a sign but I'm a bit thick sometimes, okay?) because I was "unconventionally sexy" because of it. I'm now remembering I do have a shirtless picture somewhere from before I was on HRT ... I'll work up the nerve to show that at some point to prove that point. Anywho, because of this, a random ass stranger had been following me as I went to grab a few things from a walmart after my shift. It was weird as fuck. Uncomfortably close, constantly looking at me but not what they were pretending to, and I kind of knew this dick was waiting until there was no one in the aisle before pulling something. I'd been mugged before at 14 and 15 so at 24 I was kind of like "I'm not getting stabbed in a damn Walmart" and just made sure to be quick. I got out of the store and met up with some old work friends and just let them know someone was following me and I wanted to wait them out. Props to my friends at the time, they bullseyed the dude (to be fair he wasn't being stealthy) and called him out. And he yelled back "You'll never be a real man" to me. My friends laughed at him because as far as we all knew, I was cis. But this would happen two more times in the same week. A lady would tell me I shouldn't be doing "this" to myself with a full body gesture, and that god "loves" me; and a college colleague flat out dismissed my concerns on something because "only a real man would need to worry about that". It got me wondering if this was a new fad, to hate on someones manliness, and upon looking that up I learned about what exactly transgender meant, the experiences of trans men and women (just a bit on women, my concern was on trans men at the time), and thought it was kind of cool there were people who'd know two sides to the gender spectrum. But it must SUCK to have to go through the bullshit I did and actually be affected by it. Like, no one has any right to tell another man they're less of one.

This whole situation would actually come back to help me 2 years later in finding myself. I'd only really looked up trans men and curiosity mid covid lock down would lead me to look up non-binary and then trans women. However, transandrophobia is how I, a trans woman, got her start. So it boils my blood when I see people talk about T being toxic or trans men having it easier. It shows a complete lack of understanding and a lack of acceptance and willingness to empathize. Trans men and trans mascs have different issues, that doesn't make them lesser, and while those issues may not affect me, it doesn't make it less of my problem to help deal with where I can. I know certain issues I'll have no experience on, no idea how to help, but that doesn't mean I can't still offer to be support. Everyone should be doing the same, and shame on those who aren't.

You deserve equal treatment and support in your fight for it, not dismissal. Those that dismiss the issues of trans men aren't allies, they're transphobes. And fuck transphobes.

[valleyfthdolls]

More Gal rewrite content 🙏🙏🙏

I am a man crawling through the desert to find the oasis of the Gals /silly

YAYY YIPPEE I LOVE MY GAL REWRITES

I'm gonna do a bullet list for this as I tend to

I love the idea of instead of the girls being shallow bullies, they're the equivalent of that girl gang in 80s who were bullied by boys and formed a gang to protect themselves and other girls from bullying. They definitely come off much less antagonistic and outright mean than the 202X mode delinquents, because they're easier to befriend, don't berate and mock everyone who comes near them, and don't belittle you for trying to befriend them on the assumption that you're doing it because you're being bullied.

I like to imagine the girls as queer. Specifically I think that Hana is a lesbian and Kokoro is a trans woman at least, based on their color schemes. As for the others, I see them as being bi or pansexual and probably polyamorous. I think it's funny to imagine that their whole little side quest or whatever about getting Gema their affection is them deciding he's cool enough to join the polycule /hj

As for why my versions of the gals don't get along with Hosho (Horuda), I honestly think it's the simple fact that they think she's creepy, and she resents them for that because that's been the defense of the people who's bullied her all her life: "she's just creepy." Of course, she's not actually interested in being shows what their friend, she just thinks it sucks that they think she's creepy too.

I think my tidbit about my Hoshiko ripping out a bully's hair shows what kind of a person she is. I imagine that she was probably being bullied for her weight and appearance (since my redesign does have Hoshiko as plus sized) and she just snapped and started tearing into the girl, slapping the shit out of her, and just yanked an entire chunk of hair out. She struggles to not take things too far, and her responses to things are often disproportionately intense. She takes pride in this because it gets people off her back, but she knows that it's not a good thing.

Since it's planned that in the future, you should be able to join Musume's friend group, I wonder what the gals would think abt Ayano as a member of the group. Lemme cook for a sec

Kashiko would be wary of her because she's creepy, but since I imagine Kashiko is a frequent client of Info-chan to keep track of what people are saying and doing around school, Ayano could convince Info-chan to help her gain Kash's trust. After that, I think Kashiko would probably cheer her on a lot. She'd take it as a challenge to try to get Ayano to laugh, smile, etc.

Hoshiko would Get Ayano's struggles. Complain to her sometimes abt how stupid she finds it that they have to pretend to be a totally different person and whatever so other people don't think they're evil, but then people ALSO think they're evil FOR pretending, and Ayano has her face buried in her hands going "oh my god yeah. dude you get it it's HELL"

I think Kokoro would recognize the way Ayano mirrors their behaviors as her own behavior and want to help her fit in. Initially, she'd be intimidated, but once she noticed that, she'd be like ohh, I understand what's happening here and start helping Ayano, like telling her abt the basics of gyaru makeup and fashion, doing her nails, giving her tips, etc.

Hana would appreciate Ayano's ability to mask I think. She'd encourage her to loosen up in private, though. They'd talk shit in private together I think, but both of them are publicly very calm.

Musume would love Ayano, or at least the idea of her, because she feels like she's really sticking it to her dad by both making another "perfectly good girl" into a member of her little gang and befriending the Aishis' kid. She'd be kind of the overbearing type who Ayano doesn't actually need to say anything around. I think she doesn't realize that she likes the idea of Ayano more than Ayano herself, though, because Ayano is such a masker that she is always others' idea of her.

I can imagine Musume just absolutely flooding her Line account with videos and selfies of her and Ayano going out to get sodas and bubble tea and snacks to meet up with the girlfriends and having her arm around Ayano's shoulder the whole time, right up next to her in every photo and doing little kissy faces and peace signs at the camera.

Because of Ayano's social chameleon traits, I think she'd fit in fine and the girls would probably be equally flirty with her as they are with each other, ask her opinions on things and people, etc, but it would also be so funny if she was like that one meme that's like "apparently the reason I've felt so outcast in my friend group is that they're all in a polyamorous relationship and didn't tell me????"

[stupidstupidratcreatures]

preface that these are problems that it's only really possible for one to have in a particular and privileged set of circumstances

anyway i've been thinking about this a lot lately and. i've been out, sort of, as trans for a little bit over six years now, and i deeply, deeply regret not transitioning basically at all during that time. i said i had a name and i sporadically told people i had pronouns and that was the extent of it. no clothes shopping no voices no nothing.

currently this is manifesting as me being really sad about not going out of my way to get puberty blockers while those would still do anything. i hate my clothing, i hate my name, i hate the way people look at me on the street, but i think i could be more okay with all of that if i didn't also hate my voice. because the other three i can, like, reasonably avoid.

if i go looking for them i can find reasons to blame my parents instead of myself, and i'm probably right to, but what's really the point? of course they didn't do anything helpful, because why on earth would they? they love sitting on their asses and when i was a teenager they were even more explicit about not respecting me as a person.

and what about after that? sure, the excuse i made to myself was that i was being inactive because it would be less of a hassle to just wait until i was 18 so there was less bullshit, but even if that was true in a way that actually mattered it was still years in between becoming an adult and actually doing anything. not even behavioral or social stuff like voice training (again. caustic to even think about how my voice sounds) or clothing, just the stupid easy shit. go to pharmacy, sit on toilet, feel pain. it took two years for me to decide to actually get what i wanted.

i should be really clear: i've always known i've wanted this. even beyond the vague feeling of wanting out that i had for my entire life, i knew i wanted specifically these things for years and years. years that i just didn't do anything about. not for any reason. just a vague feeling that i wasn't allowed to get what i wanted, because they were things that i wanted

and i know i'm not actually old, and my life is closer to it starting than it ending. (i mean. god willing.) but it still hurts, and my voice still sounds like this, and this is the oldest i've ever been. also, shit is hitting the fan faster than ever, and i wish i was three years into transition isntead of one, because i wish i had had more time living as a human being before it goes to hell even more than it already has. again, particular and privileged set of circumstances.

none of this would sting so much if i wasn't also a dropout-via-quarantine and completely adrift and someone who has proven herself unable to keep a job. i'm starting college in the fall and it could have been my senior year. to quote my sister, we're going to be learning calculus at the same time. i don't know how positive that is for her, but it's terrifying and depressing to me. like, one or the other of "scatterbrained loser" and "closet case" would be... well, i guess i don't know if i would think it was fine. i probably wouldn't. but as it stands one makes it harder to deal with the other than it otherwise might be.

i don't know. not to talk about a website and a movie on a serious post, but everyone getting all misty-eyed about "there is still time" and the ending of i saw the tv glow is acid to me because of the above. of course there isn't "time". there's never been "time". there isn't "time" to get to a gas station when your tank runs out on the highway, but there isn't "time" to just keep driving either. you pull over on the side of the road because you don't want to be hit by a car. and then you call a number and pray.

i think i thought this would be easier for whatever reason. i have no excuse for this, i've known and read more than is practical or useful about gigantic interlocking impersonal systems of oppression and exploitation for about ten years now, but i just thought they would be nicer to me.

[tiptapricot]

well now i does is have to know your transfem marc thoughts

TWO OF YOU! Ok. Ok I will talk ab it.

SO. Transfem Marc is this headcanon I’ve had for a while that I have a hard time explaining. He just has the vibes for it? Something about leaning into masculinity so hard it feels like it circles back to not being a dude, along with some other stuff.

(Talk of sys’s trauma, Marc’s bad coping, and some talk of sex and kink at end but not super explicit or in depth so you can skip if needed)

To start, Marc is a gruff man, he’s a guy who represses his emotions and his mental health issues and his trauma. He’s autistic and masks heavily, scared of emotional intimacy and the ways that being different can make you a target. He wears simple bland clothes that are predictable and reliable and don’t stand out. He went to the military, then into mercenary work, then into the service of a god. He has spent so much of his life fitting into boxes and predetermined expectations for how he should be, burying his feelings under violence and anger and emotional repression.

And there’s just a vibe there.

That’s sort of where it started for me, along with occasionally thinking of gender headcanons for the sys members (which is a whole other post). Marc had this flavor to him I couldn’t really name? He wasn’t a cis man, even though he appeared like one, and while I love transmasc MK sys headcanons and do have that as a side pocket headcanon, there was also just… woman vibes?? Truly idk.

Then I started fleshing out my expanded system roster and worked out my version of Inner Child from the Ultimate Marvel universe, and like… that is a little girl inside them. A kid to hold their innocence and place in childhood, the idealized self away from what they experienced. And she’s a girl.

I just kept reflecting on that, on what that piece of them meant. Women are socially and stereotypically seen as more innocent than men, as kinder, softer, so maybe it’s that, maybe just their brain finding a child they couldn’t be to maintain what they didn’t have. A separation for projection. A little girl who got through things instead of a little boy. But that… again there’s just this feeling to me of more.

Cause also like… Marc could never be that. He didn’t get the chance to be that. He was beaten into the shape of a little boy who was wrong. Was the one who had the name of their body, the weight of being the person everyone thought they were. And he had to keep doing that far into their adulthood. Be the Man, the Soldier, the Husband. There’s a safety in masculinity, one he can keep hold of, a script he’s always known and doesn’t have to think about with everything else going on. Being a man makes it easier, or at least feels like it does, but it’s a performance, a role he’s taken on for protection.

Boxes and boundaries and forcing yourself into a role that does not fully encapsulate you is an experience that connects with so many people, so many lives and states of self, but I just couldn’t shake trans vibes. And then it’s like. Where do you go from there?

Because if that is the case for Marc and we look at him through that lens, then… man.

It would be something that grows. Deep down there’s this niggling feeling he can’t place, and doesn’t want to because it means too much, opens too many avenues.

How can he recognize that facet of himself, that he may not be fully A Man, when thats just something else to make him different, something else to make him incorrect, something else to come to terms with when he doesn’t have the time.

How can he recognize that facet of himself when that’s one of the last lines of separation between him and Wendy.

He doesn’t want to feel closer to her, doesn’t want to feel more like her than he “already is.”

He sees his bad habits, his own stubbornness and anger and brashness, how he hurts those close to him, how he drinks when he’s angry and grieving and can’t put the bottle down. He’s too close. And so manhood is a way to distance himself, to not feel like a piece of her is lodged in him, is inescapable, that he is becoming the woman who hurt him.

But being a woman, sometimes, in some ways…Maybe that’s just him. And restricting that, holding it back, is the real thing that would echo Wendy’s hurt. Embracing the woman Marc has made himself ignore and finding his arms around himself and knowing he doesn’t have to be scared of her… it’s healing.

Part of it may be how he formed, that need for separation, that maybe a daughter would’ve been treated better than a son, or maybe it was always something in that young child, a space that didn’t fit that he held on to. He can’t know for sure, but it doesn’t really matter. I think he’d try to rationalize it some, think about it in regards to why he exists and how he was shaped, but in the end… he exists how he does either way, feels what he does either way, wants what he does either way. That won’t change.

(Mild sex/kink talk, skip to asterisks if needed)

Though not how I always imagine it playing out (I have a lot of various headcanon timelines in my head that are not always existing at once) I think one of the ways this discovery could get pushed forward could be via crossdressing play with Layla. They go into it in an attempt to test out how letting go of hypermasculine roles may help Marc let go of control, let go of tension and expectation, and it just… hits. It broils something up in Marc’s gut that is warm and confusing and overwhelming. Layla calls him a good girl, calls him pretty, loves him in that way, and for a moment he realizes how much he wants that, how it floods him with a relief of not having to hold onto a singular role anymore. And it just… forces those questions into the forefront, makes him think about them, grapple with them, try and explore them.

********

I don’t see Marc as a trans woman. I kind of place him in this bi-gender/gender fluid kind of space. Sometimes he’s a man, but sometimes he’s a woman too. Not a super feminine one. He still uses Marc and doesn’t get deep into heavy makeup or wigs or dresses, but maybe some lipstick or eyeliner, some looser hair now and then, a change in pronouns. He’s a woman because he is, and not when he’s not. Maybe has bracelets to signal how he feels since he’s not great at communicating wants and boundaries in words.

Maybe it goes further over time, but he also seems like the type of person, an older, complicated, queer person, who still sticks to what he knows, and understanding and engaging with himself authentically within that is enough.

Overall just… transfem Marc settles in right for me. A realization of identity that didn’t surface until so late because there was so much else he had to keep himself afloat through, and recognizing that there was more (just like we see with his ignoring of Jake) would’ve been too much to handle. But when it’s able to be real, when he’s able to touch that piece of himself and recognize it’s there, it’s a huge step in his growth and acceptance, in releasing the tension of hiding that he’s gotten so used to.

So yeah :-)

(Id for ask screenshot in ALT)

[windypuddle]

enstars headcanons

ok im going in order but i dont have headcanons for a few characters for sure. so. whatever on we go . just saying in advance these are mostly gender and Autism

fine:

eichi tenshouin: look i cant say anythinf about this guy hes already canonically terminally ill and gay. like what do you want me to do

wataru hibiki: genderfluid. whatever gender fits the performance. shes the moment hes the star theyre the epitome of an actor

tori: boy you are so gnc. princess but not a girl you know

yuzuru: has definitely had impulse thoughts about dying his hair and having a scene phase at 3 am

trickstar

hokuto: bigender. sooooo queer . also autistic

mao: um ritsu braided his hair sometimes when they were younger

ryuseitai:

chiaki: trans guy i have many feelings about this but he leans into the hero thing because its gender affirming. also autism

kanata: no gender only blublublub. likes wearing long skirts. filipino. has like 1 million fish earrings. also autism

tetora: TRANSMASC ‼️💥💪

midori: transfem... also autistic.. she is so important

shinobu: Autism Autism Autism. bonus the detachment from gender that sometimes comes with the autism but he hasnt really thought about it. hes just some guy

alkaloid:

hiiro: transmasc autistic i will die on this hill

aira: my lovely mutuals have convinced me with blasian aira its canon to me now. white french? no. cowards happyele are cowards i tell you. theres such a vast portion of the francophone world that is not white . also transmasc

mayoi: scaredgirl weirdboy core. whatever gender is easier at the moment. she likes being pretty

tatsumi: ok yknow what. fuck it. aroace tatsumi

eden:

nagisa: so much autism. nonbinary guy. religious trauma

ibara: lesbian. not going to elaborate bc thats not my problem ibara is just a lesbian

hiyori: hes just gay idk what to tell you. cisboy gay who is so annoying. when people complain about "gay isn't a personality trait" theyre complaining about him. also chubby

jun: also gay but fans love him for being normal about it. one of his main motivations for working out is being able to princess carry hiyori. hes so polite usually its insane but with eden he doesnt care because he loves them so hes a bit of a bitch

valkyrie:

shu: god is a woman and her name is shu itsuki. transfem and autistic i will Also die on this hill.

mika: transmasc and autistic

2wink:

hinata: men liker but dont ask me about her gender idk

yuuta: i see those slipups in twin peaks girl u are transfem nonbinary i think

crazy:b:

rinne: bigender [wild cheering] also demi aka down bad for niki specifically

niki: tboy swag but hes not really bothered too much about medically transitioning. arospec i think

himeru: Sooooo nonbinary. so so so nonbinary. i like to hc afab nonbinary himeru and mainly got top surgery to more easily pass as kaname but like gahdamn of course you have blue hair and pronouns (they/it/no pronouns)

kohaku: tboy swag . the gender in crazy:b is off the charts

Undead:

rei: 1 million genderqueer and SO gay. has all the problems of an older sister but also the hotness that comes with issues u know.

kaoru: ok. bear with me. aussie. also transfem... like what do you mean you hate men and only hang out with girls. definitely arospec

koga: AUTISM!! weirdgirl to autism boy wonder transmasc swag pipeline

adonis: also autism. he can be gnc. as a treat

akatsuki:

keito: come on man we all know youre gay and insufferable about it

kuro: he should get to have piercings i think

souma: autism boy wonder. while you were busy learning social cues he was studying the blade. also applies to gender norms

ra*bits:

nazuna: boy there is something gender going on with you. weirdboy or maybe a gender cis people have never heard of.

tomoya: That Is The Normalest Girl I've Ever Seen

mitsuru: autism

hajime: girl what is your gender. hes like the narrator of the arch nemesis cynthia post. so poor they cant afford a gender

knights:

tsukasa: autistic and please please please let him be chubby. staring at happyele with my biggest saddest eyes Please let tsukasa be chubby. while you're at it can he wear a skirt. please

leo: ok i give a lot of characters autism because i have autism and i get it but i think leo has adhd

izumi: agender. any pronouns. idk what to tell you he said in next door that he doesnt care about gender only beauty

arashi: only normal one in knights. i love aranee she should get 1 million hours to stress bake if she wants to

ritsu: ah i understand why vampires are gay. occasionally a girl if its funny

switch:

natsume: Diversity win!! the angry witch is transmasc!!! neurodivergent but i think its funnier if i dont specify.

tsumugi: new gender unlocked its pathetic wifeguy. hes every spirit in the fields of punishment and he does it willingly for natsume

sora: wahoo autism ^_^ yippee!!

madara: is cowboy a gender?

feel free to reblog and throw in ur own headcanons i love hearing other fans hcs it is so awesome!!

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @jezifster

Who You Are:

Astro || He/him

I'm Astro, I'm a trans guy, I'm 24 and native American, I have ADHD and it's a dragon I'm either riding or fighting.

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Action, comedy, fantasy, paranormal, and romance. New adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Romance probably. It's the constant in all my WIPs. I'm corny and I enjoy it, I love to see a couple (or a few) people trying to die for each other. That first kiss is one of my favorite scenes to write. I just love seeing what people in love will do for each other and to each other. It's cute, it's devastating, it's hot.

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

High fantasy. I'm not into worldbuilding, so most of my stories are set in the real world with fantasy elements. I also don't think I could write royalty stories. I think they're neat, but I just much prefer the perspective of the grungy street rat.

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

People who like violence and sex and drugs and anti-authoritarian themes. I think some people do read for my characters, without necessarily loving all the darker topics, and there's always a message that I think would resonate with everyone in my writing. Mainly that those in power don't give a f*ck about those under them and you should tear them down.

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

Anti-authoritarian is definitely a big one. Kill God, fight the government, question the system around you. Are monsters actually the monsters and don't heroes just uphold the status quo? I think I channel a lot of my feelings about the real world into my WIPs. I love a lot of tropes, especially the romance ones. Enemies to friends/lovers is so fun. Corruption arcs. ADHD x Autistic pairings is something that's so special to me.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

The main one is the main character being too good of a person. I don't think it's bad, but I love when they get dark. Like yeah pull the trigger, the villain deserves it. Don't be upfront about your feelings and let them rot instead until you do something you regret. I think it's just way more interesting to read.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

Bones and Bullet is my focus right now. I've been writing it off and on since I was 13 so I'm on year 11. I really like how it's turning out this time and I know more about the politics and espionage so plotting is a lot easier.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I'm mad at the world and that's part of it. But mainly it's just a lot of fun. I have a blast watching my characters do wild stuff in my head, and I love entertaining others but I've always been the best at doing that through writing.

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

Since I was 8 or 9? I loved reading and I read The Lottery and felt so gut-punched by it I was like… I gotta do that to someone.

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

The state of the world is a big one. I don't think there's a god but if there is, then why are they letting things happen the way they are? I can make that character and actually ask. For my current project, I really liked action movies as a kid. Especially the really wild ones like the Mission Impossible series. Ghost Protocol where Tom Cruise is suction cupping outside the Burj Khalifa? That changed me. And then later I understood more about politics and the themes of songs like Born in The USA and I was like oh we're not the good guys, so my Agents aren't technically agents anymore, but exploited and discarded ex-agents who are permanently changed by what they went through.

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

Bones and Bullet for sure. I think the plot really works and I've always struggled with that, but I'm so excited for the climax of the first book. Plus Shadow and Veronica are characters that I really know very well and I think it shows.

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

No, I just post online. I don't want to do traditional publishing and I'd probably just make my finished project available online and printed independently if people wanted a hard copy.

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

None of it appeals to me. Editors scare me, I struggle with constructive criticism, I do not think I could handle a negative review. So that's why I'd make my stuff available for free. Why would someone complain about something free? I would judge them for it instead of taking it personally.

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

I love learning more about my characters. They really become so well fleshed out that they seem like their own people making their own decisions. I just manage the outside influences. The least appealing is the tedious. Keeping track of dates, or names of minor characters, worldbuilding a fantasy transportation system. I just much prefer the people part of it.

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

Oh it's pure chaos. I plan a lot of scenes while I'm driving in the car listening to music. I write random scenes on my phone, chapters on my laptop. I write when I'm overcome with the urge to, and I don't force it if I'm not. I usually write laying on the couch with my laptop or phone.

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

I can't remember exactly but it's been over a year. I initially joined Wattpad but I didn't like some things I'd heard about it. And someone on there recommended tumblr. I've always liked tumblr but never was a part of the creative side.

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

I always follow people who have cool projects, and sometimes they follow me back and we start talking. It's a blast. I have a lot of favorites and I know I'm going to miss someone but @calicojackofficial, @vacantgodling, @multi-lefaiye, @addisons-damn-dialogue, @written-in-gold, @mrnauseam, and @kingkendrick7 are all super cool creators who are a lot of fun to talk to.

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

That you can do whatever you want here pretty much. It's not Twitter or tiktok and that's a good thing. It feels real.

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

I think there should be a way to engage more with readers. It's always nice to get feedback from other writers, but I know there are people who aren't writers but are mainly readers who would like to follow writblr projects who have no idea that's an option.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

I try to read and reblog when I can. I like to participate in ask games. My dms and asks are always open for rambling at me about projects in. I would like to do more but my mental focus has been struggling lately due to life stuff so once I get that sorted out I'll be more reliable.

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

Character posts are a lot of fun. I love seeing art and moodboards too. Ask games are a blast. Excerpts, of course.

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

I like to share the weirder lines I write as short excerpts. I also enjoy making ask games and full chapters.

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

Discord in my pinned. I have an instagram and Twitter but I don't use them really.

Questions For Fun:

1. Got a favorite pairing, either in your work or in someone else's? What about it makes it your favorite?

What is the weirdest line you've wrote? What inspired it?

Some that come to the top of my head are Gwaine and Asher by @calicojackofficial , Hector and Ari by @written-in-gold and @addisonsdamndialogue, and Hya and Amon by @vacantgodling . All very fun couples with fantastic dynamics. It's hard to choose between my own pairings, but Shadow and Veronica have such a special place in my heart. They've known each other since childhood, fight a lot, know way too much about each other, act like they're divorced, but ultimately are incredibly loyal to each other. I have such a hard time deciding if I ship them more as friends or romantically.

"Oh, the sexy but fragile human body, boo hoo, you're hot, walk it off, have a potato, since you're so fond of them."

If your writing was a plant, what plant would it be and why?

It's a scene with Gabe and Satan from Rarely Reverie. Gabe is mad because Satan accidentally shot him. Satan is both flirting with him and annoyed that he's being blamed for it. They're just a lot of fun to write together because they're at odds a lot but have excellent chemistry.

Well I write a lot of stoner characters so I've got to say weed. Cannibis Sativa since there's a lot of action scenes.

[scribe-cas]

hi!! happy (almost late) storytelling saturday!! tell me, what is it about your favorite oc that makes them your favorite?

i usually add here that you can talk about more than one if you can't choose a favorite, but i feel like here i should probably add feel free to use second favorite if you feel you've run out of explanations for why couteau's your beloved baby. alternatively, feel absolutely free to repeat yourself if you wanna, i will listen

HAPPY STORY TELLING SATURDAY (don’t worry it will be STS for me for another like,,, at least 7 hours)

That note shot me in the face seven times /pos and I laughed my ass off so thank you for that

“If you feel you’ve run out of explanations for why Couteau’s your beloved baby”

Oh my dear

Beloved morbo

You have only heard the tip of the iceberg

Let’s see

We’ve covered his shitty sense of humor (he is full of banter and i love him for that), his basic personality, his tendency to murder abusive men (massive plus in my opinion) and a little bit of his hyperempathy-

Okay so tbh. I will dive in to the deep stuff with you.

The reason Couteau is my precious little blorbo is because of what he represents.

He’s just a guy. And I love that he’s just. A character. Like he is so much all the time, and it makes me proud to have fleshed him out like a person.

Like, genuinely. He gets up and eats breakfast and he has a best friend who’s name is Gambit. They’re roommates.

He’s touch sensitive on his back. He likes hugging people from behind.

When he’s being vulnerable, he’ll come up and put his head on your shoulder because his parental figure used to own a cane, making her shorter than him, even while he was alive, and it was easier than hugging her.

He likes strawberry milkshakes.

He can dance. He’s an old man and his muscles hurt but he still plays Just Dance when Gambit takes out the gaming console.

He used to be in the circus.

He died at 15 and is only learning now that sometimes it’s okay to go back to that screaming little girl who couldn’t take the pressure of life and murmur “it’s okay. You did your best.”

He’s autistic and temporarily nonverbal. He speaks sign language.

He likes cold temperatures but warm blankets.

He only does hand to hand combat.

He sells milkshakes.

He’s trans.

He can do a backflip but his spine would snap and crackle.

He copes with panic attacks by laying down on his bathroom floor, a heater whirring, blowing directly on his back.

He leaves red roses behind with every body that he’s killed by accident.

He knows no amount of kindness will bring a person back, but treats each corpse with a quiet kind of respect.

He has long hair because that was the hair the first person he fell in love with had, and he’s got a scar on the side of his head.

He hates himself.

He finds a quiet comfortability in being a villain.

If you tell him he’s beautiful with your heart, he’ll have to fight not to cry.

He spat in God’s face for the person he cared about so much that he changed their fate.

He loves astrology.

Like how am I supposed to exist and not love a person like this.

He’s made to represent those of us who gave up our lives to the people we loved and never got payed back for it.

Someone wronged by the abuse of the world but who has chosen to let the abuse fester because he never stopped and realized he is abusing himself.

And in doing so, is tearing apart others.

He has hurt and been hurt and has turned to rage because if you are a monster, then nothing can hurt you worse than you can hurt yourself.

He tore himself apart in life giving, and is now forced to tear apart others in death.

He sees it as a punishment

But he chose it for himself.

God is simply trying to teach him how to take.

Giving is framed as a noble attribute. And it is.

But not when you have to tear yourself apart for it.

You owe what you can give. Nothing more.

You do not have to kill yourself to bring more to the table.

You are allowed to care for yourself.

It is not an act of selfishness, but self preservation.

He is meant to represent those of us who have fallen from the sky and are slowly growing and learning not to mistreat ourselves so that we will not mistreat the world.

The first book is a horror. A romance, but a twisted one.

Couteau’s story is one of self hatred.

And hopefully, by the end of it

It will become one of self love.

Hope this helps. <3

[cogentranting]

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. But I discovered your blog through the rating animated horses posts (all of your ratings are perfect btw) and scrolled through out of curiosity. I am a gay trans man and have had some unpleasant experiences with Christians in the past. I know not all Christians are as cruel as they were, but it's easier to believe it when I witness it. I know this is a strange ask but I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You seem like a kind individual who would treat my community like real people. I don't know what your views on us are, but I'm certain you would treat us like anyone else. Thank you for being kind in this terrifying world ♥♥♥

Hi. Thank you so much for this. It means a lot to me to hear you say this.

I do believe very differently than you about matters of gender and sexuality. I have theologically conservative, orthodox Christian beliefs about those things. In short, that sex should be within marriage, which is between a man and a woman; and that there are two genders which are fixed and in line with our biology. That's maybe not the best expression of it, but I'm not trying to lecture you or preach at you or anything, I'm just trying to be clear so that it doesn't come across that I'm either trying to deceive anyone or hiding my beliefs. And I'm figuring that you know the general gist of it. But if you (or anyone else) wants to know more about what I believe on that and why, I can certainly talk about it.

I've gone back and forth the last couple days since you sent this, over what to say and how much to say. Because I really do care. i care very deeply. I've had a fair number of students who identify as gay or trans or nonbinary, and whenever anything comes up related to these issues they are the ones that I think about. Their names, their faces, their stories. And I worry about them, and I hope that they're safe, and happy and taken care of. And when I disagree with them about things like the concept of gender, it's because I truly, deeply believe that they are the ones being harmed by those ideas and that kills me.

I have a lot of strong feelings about the transgender movement and ideology (for lack of a better term) because I really believe that it's doing a lot of very real harm (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical) to people who are vulnerable and struggling and who are just trying to figure out how to fit in and how to be themselves and all of that. People like my students and (without making any assumptions about you or your situation) you.

I think there's far too much assumption of ill will on both sides. I think that most people who share your beliefs and ideology really are trying their best to help people be safe and happy. And I think that most people who share mine (who truly share mine, and not some twisted version, because I'd say there's also a false dichotomy that makes it into two different positions and not a wide range of people believing a wide range of things)-- that most people who share mine also want those same people to be safe and happy.

I do also know that there are far too many Christians and people who call themselves Christians, who respond with anger and mockery and cruelty (or are even just well-meaning but incautious and insensitive). And I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that, and I hope that your experiences in the future are better.

I'll be praying that you are safe and taken care of, and that you will get to see God's love in a way that the Christians you've known in the past have failed to represent to you.

I hope that I haven't said anything to sound unkind or judgmental or like I'm lecturing you, and if I did I'm sorry because that was not my intention. Thank you again for your incredibly kind words, and I'm glad I was able to make you smile with some ridiculous horse jokes. Happy New Year.

[darklovecat]

other glow up tips?

My Experience with Lasik Eye Surgery (Trans-PRK).

Investing in laser eye surgery was one of my most important parts of my physical glow up. My eyes are my best features, they're pretty, big round, dark brown, but didn't exactly work (5 dioptries). Either way, you couldn't tell because they were either hidden behind a frame of glasses, blodshot and half-closed due to lenses, or covered by extremely unnatural looking bright blue color contacts (God please forgive me). I ditched them all, got them lasered and look and feel 100% better.

Lenses.

I hate them. All the times I dropped and lost them, all the times my eyes would turn watery the moment I put them on, and the one time it got stuck in my eye and I couldn't find it and almost had a panic attack. This is my own experience, I'm not an ophthalmologist, so take this with a grain of salt (or two) and do your own research please. I'm here to share my own personal experience. My eyes used to start tearing like crazy just with soft breezes of wind and at times it was hard to keep my eyes open even though I followed all instructions. Lenses made my eyes look hooded as well and after getting my eyes lasered they don't have that droopy look, my eye area looks so much more open and awake now. I hated the discomfort, the redness, the sensitivity, having to put them on, having to put them out, having them. There could be a million explanations for these but it was just easier for me to get my eyes lasered and call it a day.

The surgery.

You put on your surgical gown and a hair cap, you lay down, they give you local anesthesia so you can't feel any pain in your eye. Laser beam for 10 seconds (felt more like 10 minutes). The surgery itself does not feel painful, just extremely uncomfortable, you can't close or move your eyes for 10 seconds, my surgeon counted back from 10 but I swear it felt like an eternity. I cried while they were lasering my eyes because I always do and I kept pinching myself and shaking my legs because I felt very nervous and was probably PMSing, but there is no actual pain, just intense discomfort and pressure, the actual pain only comes after the anesthesia wears off after a few hours, I would say it is a 7.5/10, you wear black goggles for 2 weeks, your eyes sting like crazy, it's like having dry eyes 24/7 for 2 weeks. And then 2 weeks later you wake up and your eyes actually work (miracle). I remember taking them off for the first time after weeks and being absolutely shocked about how well I could see (and at how terrible my eyebrows looked).

1 year later...

I wake up, I have 10/10 vision, and I love it. I feel like I can see better now than ever, I don't have to deal with eye sensitivities due to lenses, or worry about accidentally sitting on my glasses, I feel prettier too. There's another thing that feels very hard for me to describe, but I feel like I am directly living in the world, I feel more in touch with the world, my lenses and glasses always felt like a barrier. After your surgery, you need to wear sunglasses for 6 months. Not an issue, you should protect your eyes in any case and protecting them from the sun's UV rays has always been essential for me regardless. They need to be big especially on the sides so your eyes are protected.

To sum it up, here are my tips:

Go to a very reputable doctor at a specialized eye clinic. My doctor had 25 years of experience and over 50 000 cases.

Take all the medications that you are prescribed post-surgery and follow all instructions, focus on healing after your surgery.

Invest in a pair of high-quality UV blocking sunglasses. No, that chewed up pair from H&M you got 2 years ago won't cut it.

Reduce screen time, blue light blocking filters are your best friend. Make sure you have a support person.

You need to go to a highly reputable place obviously, you can't cheap out unless you have another pair of eyes, your doctor needs to be very experienced and good at what he does, use what resources you have to read up on your doc and his work, his ratings should be very high and of people who are happy with their results. My mom, my aunt, my grandpa all got LASIC eye surgery 20 years ago so naturally, I followed in their eye steps because they were all happy with their results. You need a support person, my parents were right with me during and after the surgery, my mom picked out the hospital and doctor for me and I could not go out of bed for 2 weeks so make sure you have some good podcasts ready and take at least 2 weeks off.

Feel free to message me or drop an ask if you have any questions.

[nny11writes]

Long rambly thing that spilled out on accident today. It's about self worth, and personal image, and writer's block, and probably a lot of other things too.

I'm definitely not in a great place today, but I promise I'm alright.

Sometimes I don't know what to write. It's hard to know if I'm making the right choice. People don't seem to like it. The things I love the most. Or if they do it feels fleeting and uncaring in a way. I wish that I could care less about it the way I used to. I miss the days when I would read every username on my kudo emails. I miss when I cared less about the optics of my stories doing well. I miss caring less about the dumb things. Because I've only come to care more and more about my writing and th eworlds I'm building. It's the shame and sham of becoming a better writer. Eventually you aren't writing just for you, you are genuinely writing for others and trying to gauge if what you wrote is enjoyable for most people. I like to spread joy and enjoyment and the lightness that comes with heavyness passing. I like to see the a-ha moments that people have when I write about something more obscure. I like that I've actively helped many people with my writing. I like that people have discovered they are ace or trans or nuerodivergent thanks to what I've written.

It's not a thankless job.

But sometimes I'm ungrateful all the same.

And doesn't that feel bad? To have a gift and a skill, something I had some natural talent for that I've honed over twenty years of writing into something much more engaging and impressive and enjoyable. Many people hate their writing, and I am grateful to not be one of them. I think I write well. I am just sometimes ungrateful for the love I've been shown and I think that's okay. It feels shitty. But I think it's okay.

Have I invested too much of myself into my writing? Should I stop for a while again? I took a multi year break once, I didn't read or write anything really during it. I had no fandom. Do I need that again? I don't think so, the idea makes me feel sad and icky. Not guilty though, which I think is also important.

Why have I invested so much into others expressing their feelings to me? Why do I now feel like I demand it?

It's easier to write when people interact, absolutely. When people actually respond to each chapter I post with long meandering comments that become threads it's inspiring to write more! Am I demanding response because I'm struggling to write? Or is it the other way around?

I don't know.

Writer's block is stranage that way, and mine has rarely been a block on all writing. So there's also that guilt and frustration that the things I can write don't always seem to be favored by others.

I used to only post stories one at a time, and I always finished them. Now I have so many unfinished stories that haunt me. Is that the problem? The tell tale hearts that beat not under my floorboards but inside my own chest? I'm haunted by myself, everyone is haunted by themselves, but god mine has become a poltergist rattling the chairs. Slamming the keys and jamming the buttons. Finish me, finish me, finish me. I want to. I promise I want to. But when I hold those old works once more in my hands it's like I'm holding a sickly baby. I can't explain why they feel bad, I can't explain why I feel bad. I can only try to rock and rock and rock them to sleep once more because the medicine won't fucking take.

I wish I wasn't this way. But I am. (Isn't that the way this always goes? I wish I wasn't me when my ribs split open and salt water pours out, but I can't stop who I am. Maybe that's why I hang around every loss like a ghost. Cliche as it is now I have to make up for the fact that it's me and I am not very good at doing that)

I miss who I was just six years ago with my writing. Not the level or the style, just the caring about the bullshit being about zero. I've never made it big as a fandom writer and I think it would kill me if I did. I crave the numbers going up, the dopamine hit of besting my own high score. I'm self competitive and I think I just didn't expect writing to become my newest war zone.

I've never been someone to force myself to write something I'm not feeling. But maybe I should. Maybe I need to now. It might be time for me to suck it up buttercup and get it fucking done and dusted. Maybe without the unfinished ones whispering to me at night I can sleep and wake refreshed for once. Maybe without the unfinished ones I would think more fondly of them, instead of cringe when I remember how much or how little there is left to go.

I'm a people pleaser, and it's honestly my worst trait.

I want to write for me again.

I just don't know how when I keep digging up the bodies to hold “one last time”.

Writing is fun. I still enjoy it. I enjoy talking about it when someone is brave enough to do the thing I can't and reaches out. I like bouncing ideas and theories and building new worlds with others. I can't stand the idea of a group where that's the point though. I'm fickle like that. Picky. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I don't know how to move forward alone either. Writing IS still fun, and I desperately enjoy it.

I just wish I enjoyed having posted it too. Not as a quick etherial high but as a slow sleepy morning. I don't know that I know how anymore.

I guess I'm at a platue looking up to the next step, and I just can't seem to find the handholds to haul myself up.

It's weird to say I'm lonely, but I guess I am a little bit. If you squint and tilt your head. And as I write this I think I'm making a connection. There's something with my anxiety and there's something with my depression. There's something with my job and my other hobby which is ballooning in wonderful and terrifying ways. There's a lot going on and I'm just me, and I can't escape being me no matter how much I enjoy the escape.

Fucking writers block. An absolute ass slap.

Should I post this? This long weird meandering thing? I meant to write a fic today, and tried to let my hands do the talking and this spilled out. I feel like a woman fated to die because I caughed delicately into a silken square and a few cherry drops were caught by the camera. This wasn't supposed to go this way. But I wonder if anyone would find it interesting. Or relateable. God I hope no one finds it relatable because this is miserable, but if they do I don't want them to feel lonely and alone.

If I post it I won't look it over. It will be full of all my errors and misspellings and grammar mistakes. I won't re-write it three or four times the way I often do for things that feel important.

That's the thing with me and writing and not posting. I used to do that. I wrote a LOT of fics that have never been posted start to finish just to get them out. I don't want to post them, that wasn't the point of them. It was to lance something. Something undesireable to me and in the way of what I wanted.

Is it enough that I've written the feelings out? Is it ever /enough/ for me anymore?

I don't feel delicate and rubbed raw, but it is vulnerable. I've always been just myself, not a persona online. But this might be a look too much. Like a horror movie where you see the monster too early and the mystery is gone. Takes the bite out, you know? I'm not entierly saying I'm a monster (I am but who isn't? Monsters don't have to be evil or villains, sometimes we just are.) but I hope you understand what I mean.

Sometimes it's just me standing on stage, waiting for the audience to respond only to meet a defining silence. I tap the mic, ”Hello, is this thing on?“ and I squint into the lights tryign to make out if anyone is still in their seats.

And when I'm lucky, someone calls back to me and the dissapointment that what I poured a bit of myself into that didn't land crushes me for a moment.

I'm still learning to pick myself up after that. I'm tired of being resillent, but this is one time and place and thing I want to be more resilient for. To once again hear the call back and instead of feel bad to smile.

Anyhow.

The counter says I'm over 1500 words into my “was supposed to be a fic not me info dumping and waxing semi-poetic about writers block and external validation in fandom” thing.

It's enough for now, I'll spin my wheels otherwise and I do hate doing that.

Ah well.

Back to the cutting room floor and the grave sides and the bedsides and the stories I haven't finished but gave too much of me to bear. But not today. I think this is enough writing for today.

[transwrongs]

sorry i hate myself and spent my NYE blocking tons of transphobic people so i’ve seen a lot of BS the past couple hours. (but making posts about them attracts the vocal ones so they’re easier to block) some things i just wanted to note here (this is not discourse or discussion lmao):

terfs are right. terf is not an identity or an ideology. it is fascist rhetoric. it's actually incredibly pointless to view it any other way, i think. the only thing that links terfs together is transphobia and radical feminism. radical feminism encompasses much more than whatever the fuck they've got going on over there. and transphobia is not an identity or an ideology. it is fascist rhetoric. i think we really shot ourselves in the foot trying to view it any other way.

literally co-opting a legitimate movement/organization like (rad)feminism with real legitimate problems like misogyny/patriarchy and pushing blame onto evil scapegoats that are the cause of all their problems ("trans identified males", all and only males). calling for segregation (female separatism). vehement hatred of liberalism, touting it as the cause for all this degeneracy, etc etc.

it's absolutely fascinating that if you call terfism fascist, people will go "how is radfem fascist???????????????????" or "omg no it's not I don't see terfs committing genocide so it's not fascism" because,,, first of all, reading comprehension is severely lacking but second, it is incredibly not a good look that your response to an 'accusation of fascism' is "I'm not doing the WORST things fascism has enabled so, therefore, I am not fascist". truly anti-intellectual brain rot. adolf hitler was a fascist before he came to power. he had fascist thinking before he came to power. he sought and came to power explicitly because he was a fascist.

fascism is meant to trick you, you're not meant to know you're falling into fascism, that's literally all that keeps it alive. fascism tells you that natural progression/change of society is actually the cause of all your problems and if only we could force everyone to just play it our way then nothing would be bad. if only we can make all the girls and boys stop interacting with each other then all our problems will go away.

i think fascism is ultimately a lot about power, power for groups of people (an absolution/abolition of the individual/identity), and the control of power. it is no surprise to me that, now, society(and fascism by extension) evolved to give marginalized people the idea that we too should have access to that power and that some people will leap to the same fascistic conclusions that our ancestors have lept to their death to reach. it's why so many transphobes want trans people in conversion therapy and call for female separatism and hate when men wear dresses (because they could be the evil TRA rapists u see) and care so much about the definition of Woman. transphobic people want to control who has gendered power. you can't call yourself a woman, you haven't earned it. you have to call yourself a woman, you've earned it. it's ok to want to control our behaviors, those behaviors are wrong. being trans is wrong. "we just want you to get the help that will actually fix you".

radical feminism is an especially fascinating breeding ground for this lapse in cognitive function. because again there is a legitimate problem of patriarchy and misogyny and sex-based oppression but transphobic people's heads explode when they see "males" (enemy) being allowed to just "switch sides". there is no "oppress women" gene. there is no "oppressed" gene. we all as a society contribute to and are harmed by patriarchy and misogyny (yes even males i know sweet children you don't want to hear it but you must!). this refusal to acknowledge this in favor of pushing blame onto all and only males is embarrassing to say the absolute very least.

TLDR;;

"define woman"

define god. define love. define hate. define the internet. define sadness. define the color red. define infinity. define nothing. define everything. what the fuck are you people talking about?

fascism doesn't have a concrete definition either. but it's real, yes? not having a concrete definition for sumn doesn't make it unreal and having a definition for sumn doesn't make it real. what does real even mean? natural? tangible? visible? to who? what does it mean to exist? what does it mean to be?

anyways im burning out, TLDR terfism is so sad everybody cry for the transphobic feminists get well soon we're all praying for yall.

[stump-not-found]

we're getting into the cover compositions that start falling apart ! i really adore stan and mabel being outside the frame, bringing in the purple from step V, and the green from step IV . playing with visuals is neat ! drawing those pictures was less neat !

this was the hardest chapter to wrte and sat unfinished for WEEKS . chapter seven wasn't even going to exist, but six got so long i had to split it up . it was wild . for a long time i had no idea what they were even gonna be doing on this planet . there used to be a, like, fortress they needed to break into ?

the family splitting up was always part of the plan, but originally it was because there was a large gate they needed to get through, and ford was gonna go alone until dipper volunteered to go with him . that was back when i was gonna try and have ford persuade dipper into being his apprentice, like he did in the show, because it was weird in the show too . but that sucked and slowed the whole pace down . i much prefer the rift getting escalated for emotional reasons .

was a challenge re enforcing a lot of fords abilities, along with introducing the journal, and trying to find a way to make it entertaining . i really love the response to ford, and one of my favorite things writing him is the way he describes things in the stupidest terms . like the shampoo & conditioner comment . the 30 second audio clips bit makes me think of those shitty cheap plastic toys you'd buy at claire's, where you get like, one minute of an nsync song . i think mabel would have loved those honestly

originally ford was also way more of a dick about mabel, specifically, but i realized i hate that a bit and really tried to punch up how sweet he is on the kids . i'm glad i did that, because i think its a lot stronger narratively that the dude has no ill thoughts towards the kids - dipper's attitude is just him listening, absorbing, and projecting in a way that helps him regain some control over his home situation

lots to say about the kids and their deal, though that could be its own separate thing . i'll just say it went under a lot of revisions, and had a lot of conversations about it . my goal was to have some pushback on the idea that mabel is this emotionally enlightened bastion of truth . god i have a lot i could rant on this point, but i really want to get across it's not a good thing when your 12 yr old niece tries to give you a therapy session . like . that's a bad thing, overall, to be quite honest .

dipper's whole thing is just aaaaaaaaaaaa it's hard to be trans in 2012 . well it's hard to be trans in general . dipper pines i love you i want you to know that you sweaty weirdo . you and your sister are gonna be just fine

it's fun that the kids become less of a background element once both adults in the room start to pay proper attention to them . as i write these chapters, i like to imagine that mabel and dipper are just having a regular ass gravity falls adventure, while the adults are having to walk down trauma lane lalalalal

oh fuck we also get the man in the hallway with his mystery pendant . did anyone see that guy the fuck was up with that . oh well i guess that's not important L O L

oh fuck this was also the professional working relationship chapter what the fuck ... i'm gonna be honest i laugh about that everytime .... the entire scene where bill starts counting his teeth almost got cut which would have been fucking stupid . yes i am referencing macdennis with them . yes ford does tell bill to smoke a cigarette to get rid of the toxins . that's how it SHOULD be . that's how a working relationship GOES

anyways ford and stanley's home life was fucked the fanfiction the movie . yay

bill is in everyone's hallway if you force the perspective enough:

favorite part:

“Dipper, there are… certain quirks of demon containment that are easier to let happen than argue about.” Ford says. Teeth counting is one of the top ones. Along with letting Bill clip his nails when they’ve grown out too long, or cut his hair when it gets too shaggy, or… actually, there’s a lot of things Bill will throw a fit about if Ford fights him over it. Though Ford supposes he has his own list as well, including forcing Bill to do regular blood checks, and have consistent meals with appropriate dietary restrictions. Dipper, clearly, doesn’t get it, and Ford acknowledges he is too young to understand a professional working relationship.

in case anyone was confused about there being anything romantic okay . please review the above paragraph it is VERY clear about the nature of their relationship, thank you

The family gets separated by some stupid metaphors, the kids have some normal and healthy conversations, and both Pines brothers handle the situation very, very well.

Everything's going just peachy, so long as you ignore all the problems.