#also i liked the weird landscape tbh. it is very empty once you open it up and i wish there was more flora and fauna but i did enjoy it

[waywardsalt]

i feel like theres something funny in how while i vehemently hate totk, i genuinely loved and enjoyed the depths, which are considered one of the worst parts of the game

[soulvomit]

Because of how I was brought up with regard to emotions, I had very, very poor emotional regulation for a lot of my early life. I was also basically just left to emotionally fend for myself in a lot of ways. My parents basically couldn’t deal with emotions, and didn’t teach me to deal with them, and my going from this school to that school to homeschool to that other school to homeschool again didn’t help, because I didn’t really get to practice this stuff with other kids, either. 

Basically I was taught that I had to internalize all of my feelings, so I had two modes, Vulcan and Tornado (when the emotions couldn’t be internalized anymore). The problem is, by the time the emotions hit, they were just a seemingly unprovoked rage tantrum or a cry fest, sometimes triggered by some emotional content in a movie, or something weird that my brain had latched onto that didn’t even make sense to me. There was a period when I was 8 where pictures of orchids would set off crying jags. I don’t understand why. I didn’t understand why then, either. 

I just had all of these random emotions that I didn’t understand, I didn’t even know what they connected to, and because I couldn’t make sense of my feelings - I couldn’t even tell you what I wanted, because I was conditioned to just name off practical considerations or “logical” reasons I SHOULD want a particular thing. (And it’s for this reason that I stayed in shitty relationships, or even stayed with people I didn’t love. I didn’t like my ex husband that much, but I couldn’t even admit this to myself. I had all kinds of rationalizations for why I should marry him anyway just because HE was interested. But tbh, I didn’t like him that much, and I never did.)  

When I started questioning my sexuality, the biggest reason my mom couldn’t wrap her mind around this is because of her mindset that personal fulfillment is NOT WHY WOMEN GET MARRIED. And the problem is - sexuality and gender identity are ALL ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS. And in her mind, this was a reason that gay and trans people were actually invalid. I tried to talk to her about my feelings for other women, but what came up was, “feelings aren’t why people get married.” 

And when I questioned my gender, she also couldn’t wrap her mind around that, either. “But ALL women have those feelings!” You just perform whatever role has been assigned to you, PERIOD, that’s how you are a good person, or you are letting multiple people down. And your gender isn’t just your identity, it also comes bundled with specific DUTIES. (The irony is that I would not have been able to be with my fiance if I had not learned to accept that People Partner Because FEELINGS. I had to go through “wait... it’s okay to be gay” to unravel that tangled mess. Identifying as gay for as long as I did, was partly about making a stand that MY PERSONAL FEELINGS MATTER. And once I acknowledged that same sex relationships - which exist largely because of FEELINGS -  were okay... eventually, I fell in love with a man who was not someone my mother would have picked out for me. But this was only possible because of my having internalized the idea that MARRYING FOR LOVE was okay in the first place.)

So basically, this is the soup I was swimming in when I was struggling to learn emotions. It doesn’t help that I grew up in a household where the whole idea of feelings, was basically disregarded. (I wonder if it’s this way with other people whose parents are poor, or in survivor mode, or who are from more traditionalist/”old world” families). I was expected to put my feelings aside and expected to have the emotional skills of an adult. And also, my mom has a lot of deep-seated stuff about how personal growth and fulfillment are ONLY FOR MEN. (She actually has a lot of resentment over this.) She believes most advice about being happy as an individual, or how to succeed in the world, only applies to men. But she also internalizes the Judging Voice of ancestors who believed this or that was women’s duties and that doing anything else, for a woman, meant shirking her primary assigned duties. It’s about half unconscious but sometimes she will blurt out something that actually indicates that she believes this. 

I learned to control my emotions via directly manipulating my brain chemistry. This is how I stopped being a “crybaby” - there are a couple of different methods. In the short term, I dealt with overwhelm and feeling the tears or rage coming on in public, by doing a particular exercise that I made up. When I was 12, I had taken a brief class in t’ai chi, and we did breathing stuff and “glowing green ball” visualization. Inspired by that and by the Vulcan people from Star Trek, I made up an exercise to suppress my emotions where I would do breathing exercises then steeple all my fingertips together like Mr. Spock and imagine a glowing green ball in my hands. All of my emotions would go into the ball. My thoughts would slow down and I would return to an emotionless space.  The other thing I did, had to do with my maladaptive daydreaming. I would project my emotions onto fictional characters - often unconsciously (I didn’t know WHY I was drawn to particular images, I just was). I would replay scenarios in my head that took place between fictional characters. I was especially addicted to romantic scenarios and imagery. Being obsessed with romantic couples felt like a deeply shameworthy hidden “kink” and the less I could talk about it openly (believe it or not, it’s fanfic culture that brought this out into the open), the more obsessed I was.

One of the problems I had was how much I was used to using my maladaptive daydreaming scripts to cope with shit going on in my real world instead of just... fixing that shit. The funny thing is that my school psychologists recognized that this was what my daydreaming was, when I was a child, but my parents didn’t really acknowledge it; I was actually rewarded for both my obsessive interests and my daydreaming as a child, because both of them meant that I was being undemanding. I was coached, however, not to talk about these things with other people. They were okay to do at home.

I also had trichotillomania, and when I was in a period of doing lots of group therapy in my early 30s - I discovered what my “trigger” was, I discovered that it related to feeling abandoned and empty. And just like that, that’s when I finally stopped doing it - I learned to recognize the feelings that triggered my trich, instead of jumping right into doing the trich things. I had been learning how to just sit with my feelings. And at some point, I started using my “centering” method (the breathing thing with the glowing ball) to quiet my mind down and sit with my emotions, and to reduce my stress levels, instead of using it to suppress my emotions.  My emotional landscape was like this... “I don’t know how I’m feeling. All I know is that I’m pulling my hair a lot and daydreaming a lot. Also, I had a meltdown at work but I don’t know why. Also, I got irrationally angry at so-and-so because they offended me personally.” (And my offense was connected, generally, to my emotionality being triggered.) But over time, and with lots of learning and new skills, I learned... that the fact that I wanted to do a particular unproductive or self-destructive thing, was indication that I was feeling something. And this meant that I was not to act out, but that I was to sit with my feelings and ask myself what I was feeling. 

I had to learn to start validating myself, and seeing my own feelings as valid. The funny thing is, I parsed to lots of people as being unemotional. I could not have emotional conversations with my partners; stuff about emotions made me dissociate or check out. I felt horribly confronted whenever asked about my feelings. (Honestly, this is a big reason I had begun preferring male friends. We didn’t talk overmuch about feelings.) This comes from a background in which I was often shamed for my feelings.  

The turning point for a lot of this was in my early 30s. 

This is about the time when I was doing Landmark Forum, when I was in group therapy, when I was going to Adult Children of Alcoholics (to try to repair my relationship with  my dad, who is an Adult Child; alcoholic-adjacent coping mechanisms can persist generations after the last alcoholic in the family has died.)   I was in a shit ton of therapy for years. I was in a bunch of support groups, but most importantly, they weren’t 100% filled with peers who validated me 100% of the time. In fact - looking for “safe spaces” full of only my own peers, had been what had held me back. What was actually beneficial to me was being in spaces that had people who were older and further along in their recovery than me, people who had better coping skills than I did, and learning to be present when people bitched me out instead of just automatically “shields up” and spacing out when I got confronted about stuff. 

I also was doing a SHIT TON of journaling and blogging and writing in spaces such as message forums and mailing lists (Tumblr sort of picked up where the forums left off.)

[hatredofmusic]

My 50 Favorite Albums Of The 2010s

Alien Observer / Dream Loss [Only two of a large number of insanely good records Grouper released this decade]

An Empty Bliss Beyond This World [Weird music weird feelings. Memory and its fragility and impermanence.]

Because I'm Worth It [Of the post Hype Williams output, Dean gets the most recognition, but Inga's solo album gives me all kinds of weird feelings too.]

Between Two Selves [Maybe the best deep house record of the decade]

Black Is Beautiful [The most intriguing record from one of the decade's most intriguing bands. Here they are at the height of their powers, together, as a musically powerful group. I miss my red vinyl copy :( ]

Black Ken [In 2017 rap is a barren landscape and Lil B is its wandering prophet. It took a long time to gestate but Black Ken sounds like exactly what it is. It is post-post-rap. It is the self produced Lil B mixtape. It is Based.]

Black Up [This is the dopest hip hop record of the decade, of all the ones I heard. I should get into their other one.]

Blue Flame [6 Kiss was released in December 2009 digitally and in early 2010 on CD, so I can't in good consience call 6 Kiss a 2010s record, but someone might, and if you do, it instantly becomes the most important hip hop album of the 2010s. I could probably write continuously in adoration of Lil B. To me Lil B was the endpoint of rap. There is very little post Lil B of interest to me in hip hop. When I heard his music I felt this was it, rap has eaten itself. Blue Flame is like rap hell where everything that qualifies what makes good hip hop has been destroyed and is so far behind us in the rear view that we can only focus on what terrifying things may lie ahead.]

The Butterfly Effect [If you don't already know Shinichi Atobe, get to know him. His reemergence was one of this decade's proudest legacies and all of his records are worth putting on repeat.]

Cosmogramma [Wild, jazzy, futuristic... a total departure from his prior work. The Coltrane family is quite good at outdoing themselves.]

Donato Dozzy Plays Bee Mask [Great psychedelic ambient record. I listen to this before sleep all the time.]

Double Cup [Rashad's vision of Chicago is expansive and innovative. He is the heart and soul of footwork. Pick any of his records, or even any compilation he appears on, and it will rank among the most important footwork records. See also: the Rollin' EP, AND, RP Boo - Legacy!]

Electronic Dream [Beyond the MPC work, this feels like it slots in with all of what was going on relating to nostalgia and memory at the time. This sounds like late night Dance Factory on FM radio. Somehow, classy and sleazy at the same time.]

Floral Shoppe [Uhhhhhh I think vaporwave is cool and important and there's probably a whole mess of amazing vaporwave records from this decade but this is the best one right?]

For Those Of You Who Have Never (And Also Those Who Have) [Weird ambient music, weird ambient feelings. See also: Colonial Patterns]

Going Places [See also, the companion record "Being There".]

Grid of Points [Grouper's mini album is a heartbreaker.]

Hash-Bar Loops [I was in Amsterdam for half of 2011 so this is an oddly important record to me]

Holding New Cards [Variety hour with Keita Sano is exhilarating]

It Can Be Done, But Only I Can Do It [Omar-S made the most ebullient house music of the last two decades. He is simply the king of house right now. I will be humming his tunes until death. No one in the genre writes a simple melody better. Great fully formed house LPs are supposed to be an anomaly and he just cranks them out. This one has his best tune, which was one of the best tunes of the decade.]

Jai Paul [The Jai Paul leak was the best album of the decade by far]

Joy One Mile [Futuristic sounds from synth queen. I miss my copy :( ]

Late Nights With Jeremih [Best free mixtape of the decade by a country mile.]

Made The Harbor [The only folk record this decade that I adored]

The Magic Place [Lovely ambient! I adore it It's just so beautiful. I miss my copy :( ]

The Narcissist II [With this we are still in the most fruitful era of Hype Williams mythology. Inga Copeland drops in for arguably the duo's finest moment]

Platform [Wackiest things in 2016 included elections, sports championships and this Holly Herndon record, which I somehow did not sell :) ]

Pull My Hair Back [I didn't sell this one either, I couldn't, it's too important to me; every track on this Hyperdub classic is lovely]

The Psychic Paramount II [Excellent prog noise rock. I saw these guys open for The Jesus And Mary Chain once when I was on acid]

Quarantine [Weird music weird feelings. I miss my copy of this record :( I had to sell it for rent money or something but man was it a nice record with nice artwork.]

Ravedeath 1972 [Just one of his many great ones]

Replica [It may be the smartest move to list Chuck Person's Eccojams instead but Replica is an album I have some personal attachment to. 2011 was a rough weird year and this is a rough weird album. I listened to it on acid. I listened to it in Paris. It fucked me up.]

Resonant Body [The state of rave music in 2019 is very good]

Rhizome [I was at this show. As far as Merzbow output goes, this was easy listening. I didn't even need the earplugs.]

Room(s) [Quite sophisticated juke type music. At the type it felt quite innovative. I still listen to Machinedrum quite a bit, and I really dig those Sepalcure records, but tbh this was the one Machinedrum record I was really into]

Ruins [Ooof. Just unbearably unbelievably beautiful. I guess Grouper must nab The Artist Of The Decade Award from my personal award show.]

Severant [This one aged well. It sounded crazy and like nothing else at the time and that's still how I feel about it.]

Social Housing [I get the complaints but I think we have all become far too removed from Chicago house and we are blessed to have current producers do the style so well.]

Splazsh [Someone once wrote that Darren's pieces play on distance. Listen accidentally from another room and weird sounds snake their way into your memories and feelings and emotions.]

Syro [Plenty to love from everyone's favorite electro-trickster. It launched a more than adequately fruitful period for the Cornwallian]

The Tape Hiss Hooligan [Green Ova affiliated. This is a hard asf rap record. It's really good stoner rap.]

The Teac Life [Plenty of great singles and LPs and more from Legowelt this decade but this was his best one. Cinematic psychedelic deep house. The free reissue with bonus tracks was just an incredible value.]

Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself [Omar truly outdoes himself. He's the only guy making LPs of straight ahead club music that is anywhere close to this good. Plenty of gems to be found here.]

Ultimate Bitch [Lil B turned up to 11. Virtually all essential elements of his mystique are present. Shocking, hilarious, out of control, unbelievable.]

Vulnicura [Björk had a great decade and I would recommend picking up Utopia also. This was her best one.]

Where Dancefloors Stand Still [A DJ Sprinkles deep house mix cd? Order me 500 copies]

XXX [Either you like Danny Brown or you don't. I get it if you don't.]

Yeezus [Don't talk to me about MBDTF. It's good, we all liked it, but I prefer the follow-up way more.]

100% Galcher [Any and all Galcher releases qualify as interesting music for this decade. 100% was only the first taste of Galcher Lustwerk but it included all of his best early material.]

808s & Dark Grapes II [Tremendous.]