#so i didnt have to deal with the fact that getting out of my traumatic situation is impossible alongside the traumatic situation

[caruliaa]

no offence but why are all the solutions to issues caused by trauma therapy. what if i Cant do that right but still want to not be like this.

[rafecameronsgun]

☯︎ THIS IS HOW I IMAGINE RAFE CAMERON’S PSYCHO GF ☯︎

✫ wears leather jacket

✫ lips are always red

✫ LOTT of tattoes and piercings on your nipple,clit…

✫ wide eyeliner

✫ has teeth gem

✫ dark hair

✫ very freaaky

->

“i wanna touch you”he pants as he flexes his thighs beneath your ankles struggling to not buck his hips upwards.

->

“…and then she bit on my balls and i…”kelce continuing his story telling while you are sitting on rafes lap,your long nails playing with the back of his head while you are listening. and thats when you catch a blonde blue eyed girl who is giggling to her friends while looking at YOUR man across the room,whispering to them something which they are agree to.

->

you stand up and go ahead to the girl’s,cigarette you smoked is between your fingers,still burning.“he is hot,isnt he?”you ask,stopping right in front of her face,smoking your cigarette and blowing it all onto her face. rafe is watching this scene with poker face because he knows he cant tell you to “stop,its okay” or”ur crazy,leave her alone” or anything like that because he knows u wouldnt care,so he just watches you. the girl stands in shock,her expressions frozen before you dig the burning cigarette into her forearm,making her shout in pain.

-> rafe is obsessed with your teeth gems,when you smile and it reflects he feels like he cant fall in love with you more.and when he sees it while you cum with mouth wide open,he cant help but moan out at the sight of it.

-> you like to play with him. always playin with him,making him crazy over you. you would flirt with him in public like extremely being flirty and when he wants to take you to the bathroom u refuse”just jerk it out if you need it so bad,its your fault you take jokes so seriously”

->you checked his phone last week and you saw a message from a girl. you didnt know who she is or what seh wants because the text was just “hey” so you checked her profile,stalked her a bit and then you recognized who she is. she is a kook, a kook you have been friends with till 8th grade. as weeks went by you met her a lot “accidentally”. like whenever you went out with rafe,she was “accidentally” always near. you suspected her,and when you found out you were right,you kidnapped her and buried her under the ground alive with her limbs chopped. and when rafe saw the news in the tv about her disappearing you were like”oh shit poor girl!!”sarcastically,which made rafe shake his head,he knows that whatever happened to her its probably connected to you.

->making deals for fun.like “whoever cums first gets the last line of the coke”

->you always cares shis body,always touching him. you have long nails,not too long but long enough to make rafe beg you to scratch his back with them.

✯ when it comes to date night ✯

->you sign up for illegal motorcycle/car races that takes place near the harbour. smoking weed,being drunk before racing. its dangerous and the fact that you two could die together makes it even more exciting.

->you smoke weed while going around the graves and making scenarios about how each people died.and then it ends up fucking in the grass.

you do anything that connects with sex and danger.

✯ ✯ ✯ ✯ ✯ ✯ ✯ ✯ ✯

->sharing a cigarette after a slow sex session at 3am and talking about life,how your family traumatized you then comforting each other with a longgg makeout session.

->watching horror movies

->when rafe sees someone staring at you for too long he slips his hand under your mini skirt,hoping everyone is watching you. he slids his middle finger under thong,touching your pussy which makes you moan out. he smirks,looking straight into the guy’s eye.

->making him listen to rock/metal songs. he is like “turn this shit off,my head hurts from it”and the next time you check his phone you find the songs in his playlist. you giggle but dont say a word about it.

@ci4ras @rafescurtainbangz @sadfury

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hiiii mackerellll my brains also bad soup rn soup brain solidarity BUT nhw.... winters family torment nexus..... i did have a question for u actually. currently wading around in the tranches (early game nhw) n i wanna write them doing silly like teen traumatized child soldier shit like playing truth or dare or shit like that... what do u think their two truths & a lie would b? also like. do u have any thoughts on their civilian life. when they are Not on the job or fighting extinction level threats or having panic attacks at school. u know. that 10% <333

ALSO. NHW WAVELENGTH..... do u have any thoughts on him. my only secret backstory caveat is that he has to have the fucking worst shit nightmare rube goldberg machine luck of all time. third & final question im just curious was danny phantom vivisection real & canon or just like a Thing??????

ok im going to start with the danny phantom question bc im dyinggg to talk about this. pun intended. also this is my equivalent of rent-lowering gunshots. if u cannot deal with my dp posting u do not deserve my pd posting etc etc etc !!!

THE ANSWER IS. BOTH YES AND NO. it never Actually Happens but it is talked about!!!!!!! the whole thing is like. dannys parents are ghost hunters and dont know about his powers so theres a lot of him like. overhearing talking about them dissecting ghosts and experimenting on ghosts and such. not knowing that he is one!!! prime territory for somes angsty ass fics. however i am of the small minority that doesnt actually think the fentons are monsters apparently. they dont know!! how could they know!!!!! theyre scientists!!! do you know how much scientists casually talk about dissecting things!! its a lot!!! also theres been a few different instances of them finding out about dannys powers (almost always retconned by time/memory shenanigans but its fine) and EVERY TIME THEYRE SO SUPPORTIVE OF HIM. AND THEY TELL HIM THEY LOVE HIM REGARDLESS. AND IN ONE CASE THEY EVEN APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING THOSE THINGS AROUND HIM BC THEY DIDNT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. anyway. i digress bc i love the fentons. anyway! there are so many. SO MANY fucking fanfictions out there of danny getting dissected/vivisected. so many in fact that its one of the things the fandom is best known for by outsiders. enough that there was literally a FANDOM-WIDE DEBATE about whether to call it dissection or vivisection because dannys status as alive/dead is so unclear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao!!!!!!!!! worlds most fucked up fanbase i love it here

putting the nhw stuff under a cut. subjecting my followers to my dp ramble bc fuck you!!!!!! read about my ghost boy first

OK I AM SOOOO FUCKING BAD AT TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE. IM SO BAD AT IT I CAN NEVER THINK OF ANYTHING. so instead i am just going to think of fun facts about them. so actually im gonna kill two birds wiht one stone here and answer both of ur questions abt them. here we go !!!

i think it would be REALLY funny if william is the only one with a drivers license bc he grew up in Not The City (just because he has a license doesnt mean hes GOOD). dakota is lactose intolerant but chooses to be in stubborn denial about it (he canonically doesnt like ice cream!). virion, despite being compared to a cat so often, is allergic to cats. speaking of animals, william likes animals but animals DO NOT like him!! on the other hand animals absolutely love dakota he is friends with every stray dog and cat in the whole city. virion was homeschooled by his parents/the greats. virion also doesnt know much about anything in regards to pop culture/general everyday civilian life? because he was never completely removed from the cape world at any time growing up. no non-cape adults in his life. so he and william still have their movie nights where william introduces him to shitty b-movies hehehe. dakota tries to get him into more Normal movies like. disney or ghibli or whatever but virion likes the shitty ones more. ASSIGNING THEM FAVORITE GHIBLI MOVIES WHILE IM AT IT. this is not which ones i think theyre the most like, just the ones i think are their favorties. dakota likes ponyo, william likes howls moving castle, virion likes princess mononoke, ashe likes spirited away . dont ask me why. UHHH FAVORITE PLACES TO HANG OUT OUTSIDE OF THE BASE/HOUSE. dodgeboy memorial library. lightspeed hangs out there and they like her <3. antonios pizza. he lets them loiter bc they always tip really well. william likes going to the park because he has chronic Grew Up In The Woods disease and needs outdoor time or else he'll go crazy. hes not used to city life. dakota likes the park bc there are lots of little animals there and he can Run Around, virion doesnt like the park as much bc its a lot of Vulnerable Open Spaces and those make him nervous. speaking of which in my head ive grown so attached to the idea of him being so hypervigilant at all times. look at him ive given him anxiety!!! just like. the insane betrayal losing every important figure in his life immediately leading into a life basically on the streets alone picking fights with other capes led to . idk man i keep thinking about it like sleeping in shifts but its impossible to do that with only one person!!!!!!!! do u know what i mean!!!! basically translating the "growing up on fauna where everything wants to kill you" energy into this setting. HMMMMMM. I THINK THATS IT. THATS ALL I CAN THINK OF RN . SORRY FOR THE BLOCK OF TEXT

ohhhhhhh god. oh god oh fuck. i literally Have Not Thought about nhw mark yet like AT ALL only bc i know if i do ill get so sick about it. worlds most suffering man ever he is losing everything!!!!!! ok bc im thinking about lizard stuff tonight im going to answer your question with a question. we;ve kind of sort of talked about the existence of harttawa in relation to overlord and cauldron does he still get fucked up lizard mutations!!!!!! ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIS POWERSET. i have a lot of feelings abt him being at least partially a tinker. i think before u also called him a striker (maybe? am i remembering that right) i dont think i know strikers yet what does that one mean. WHAT WAS HIS TRIGGER EVENT. OR IS HE A CAULDRON CAPE. SHAKING YOU. I KNOW I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS BUT. I NEED 2 GET TO THE WORM SECTION WHERE I GET TO LEARN ABOUT NHW ASHE SO BAD. actually i didnt get to read any worm this weekend so im gonna stay up a Little later just to get past this section where theyrre fighting the dragon suits. ouagh EXCITED.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. It’s 😵‍💫 anon again.

I actually haven’t been on here in a bit bc I was tired & embarrassed of spreading my misery lol. So much has went on with my life since my last message on Thanksgiving. It’s been going as it always does. I fell into the law of assumption trap again last week. I saw in a response to an anon, you said that a lot of us have trauma from the law, which is true. Every time I go back to it, I regret it again haha. It’s such a heavy subject. I watched Sammy Ingram. I tried to force it again. I just knocked some sense into myself an hour ago, “girl, what the hell are you doing?” I know how it ends every time. I’m caught in this place of not understanding if the magic truly is out there or if I’m wasting time. The last of my teen years were spent with trying with the law. I fell flat every time. Although I’m nowhere near okay right now, I still reflect on how painful the journey of the law had been for me. I’m just asking myself if I want to keep feeling the lows of it. I don’t, but without it, what will I do? I have some many dreams. If I were to cut it loose and say “I’m okay if this doesn’t happen”, it would never happen. I needed the law to work. I say NEEDED simply because it gets tiring. Tiring to a point that the desires feel bitter now. I think that is why the community has died down. It’s tired. I’m not sure what put it in some of our heads that we have to make ourselves miserable just to reach. It’s sad to think about. I was a child stuck in this loop. I found subliminals. I haven’t been normal since then. This is a sad tale, but I hope other people can break free from it. Too many are stuck, me included. In some way, law of assumption coaches are stuck too. Your page is a place to become unstuck.

After that coming to my senses moment earlier, I actually felt lighter letting go of the forced affirmations again. I’m not okay, but I think everyone can understand how heavy the law can feel on your back. Now….I’ve just sat with my negativity. I don’t know what to do with it all. I always look to find someone else who is feeling like I am, but I truly don’t want anyone to. I hope everyone who has been negatively affected by the laws can recover. It truly is crazy. I wonder if there will be a documentary on Netflix one day. “Surviving the Laws” lmfao.

I didn’t have a main point for this message. Your point just brought up some words in my mind…. like yeah, we’ve been traumatized. 😂😂😂

I hope you’ve been doing well, Dream. How’s life going? Happy New Year btw!!!!

hiii lovely 😵‍💫 anon

ahh i remember when sammy first blew up and uh.. yeah. def glad that didnt last hahahah i wouldnt ever rec her to anyone knowing what i know now, but i get it. sometimes we fall back and that's just normal and not a big deal.

this really stood out to me though, "if i were to cut it loose and say, "i'm okay if this doesn't happen," it would never happen." hmmmm this is very far from the truth. and the hard realization is realizing... you not cutting it loose hasnt made it happen either. :/ the law is extremely paradoxial and until we surrender to that fact, we continue to struggle and struggle. fighting and wanting and wanting and wanting. and never making it pass the phase of wanting, or even if we do, we quickly find ourselves back in the wanting phase again because that is what it is. if we cannot stop wanting, if we cannot stop hoping something will happen for us to finally be happy... then we keep waiting for that day we can finally be happy. this is maybe the hardest part in all of this. allowing the paradox. that when we actually cut loose and stop needing whatever to pass, that is when it happens. when we could enjoy life, even just a little, with the very little that we have in front of us, the thing we wanted most appears. sometimes we have to create our own magic, not continue waiting on life to bring it to us.

i understand you entirely when you say you get tired, and the desire feels bitter. because ohmygosh that was meeeee. at some points, i became entirely resentful towards what i had thought i wanted the most. i also agree this is why the community has died down, and many are moving to a more non dualistic lifestyle bc its much more freeing than the manifestation trap. everything you're saying is so relatable to me a few years ago, and thats why i have remained on this page. to be some sort of source of help, to share my own journey and hopefully it can encourage and inspire others. :')

LOL but imagine. i think that would be a great documentary, bc seriously so many people would be able to speak out and it would be so relatable. and it would show people that there is a way out. we truly didnt find the law for nothing, it leads us to something greater eventually. the law was always meant to lead to the promise, you know ? so for that, its not all terrible. but its true that a lot of us hurt ourselves and traumatized ourselves a lot in the process, and it doesnt help that so many loa coaches at the same supported that kind of suffering.

anyway, thanks for popping in again !! i've been doing really well tbh, the new year is going really well. i've made some big changes in my life, like moving abroad and i'm already loving it but having to learn how to live somewhere completely new. the days are so beautiful here and lately and its the small things like that which just make me happy to be here <3

[upsidedowngrass]

you ever think about how, on top of the other assorted traumas the main cast had to endure, they now have to deal with the fact that they know what the afterlife is like, and it sucks?

i DO and i think about it a LOT!!!

as is. probably expected. i think abt it the MOST wrt liam. because the way i see it, he does NOT like dying at all and he also KNOWS what it Really looks like. he KNOWS that theres nothing actually there, and all he knows of the waiting room is 1. a radio that is basically a device that is most likely to just get you killed, and 2. if you dont use the radio, you are trapped Forever. thats. not a pleasant way to view what awaits you

i actually think that eventually the waiting room would come to look like Something for liam years later once he gets home, and that it just looking as it truly is to him largely has to do with the immediate traumatic experiences he was going through all the times he saw it (something something, the waiting room showing you what you want or something you miss etc, but him not having anything to go off of because hes not thinking of much and is a bit detached from the stuff he COULD be thinking about, blah blah blah. my ideas on what determines if you see smth ARE a bit rough bc its so vague tho i also tend to think it has smth to do with if you were 'supposed' to die at that moment, like how stones knowledge of stuff clearly favors certain events over others. its hard to explain and i dont wanna derail this post. its not completely relevant) and that, once he Dies dies itll be Okay! but i think the fact that he knows what the waiting room can be at its worst would probably assume that, when he dies, everythings gonna suck for ETERNITY and id. imagine that is a very haunting thought process to have. i think death scares him a LOT because of this (he SAW julien, and i think the idea of that happening to him and no one ever helping , since it was so unlikely for julien to be saved anyway) and its. probably one of many things hes gonna HAVE to work out in therapy or smth . the guy went through TWO situations where he was trapped somewhere for Possibly Forever, the idea of that being what hes doomed to experience For The Rest Of Time is probably Not Pleasant and Not Helped by his other trauma

the other characters i think have a very different view of it, but not necessarily in a 'better' or 'worse' way . but its because all of them DID see soemthing in the room (or in amelias case, likely wasnt there long enough to even know WHAT she was looking at, let alone assess it.). bryce eventually saw it for what it was yeah, but he def KNOWS what it Can be. for bryce, then, i think its also. complicated? because it seems to be a tipping point for him in the series. and i think its because, when things go wrong and theres no Direct Person To Blame, hes like. almost sluggish? idk how to describe it, its almost similaar to how liam responds to things being fucked up, but feels fundamentally different, and hes just kinda There. if i had to guess, that has to do with his preexisting trauma and how he responds to it, but he generally comes across as if hes in shock the Whole time. the fact that he Died, For Real is uncomfortable to him, but it doesnt seem to mean Much wrt what the room is Showing him. i think the fact that its 'not real' is irrelevant, and i think thats ALL him. because its the exact thing he would Want to be real. id imagine its very dreamlike. and most people jsut Go Along with things in their dreams

even when he comes to see the room as it is, it seems to have more with the fact that him and liam had to work together for a WHILE. we dont know how long they tried to get to stones world (other than that they were killed More than 20 times), but its safe to assume they Didnt realize theyd be able to get BACK home (given bryces surprise at teh san francisco note). so when they actually find stones world its like. bryce DOES care abt liam, and has the whole time (with him going up the smokestack being the biggest indicator. 'i want my car keys back,' as many have pointed out is. a reason, but an obvious excuse). the notes ARE saying something, texty JUST found something important. but liam is upset to not have gotten ANYTHING out of dying 20 times, and while bryce was mostly just Going Along before, now it seems like theres an Actual possibility they could stop airy because they just DID, and liam DOESNT notice it??? and i think, then, his primary goal becomes something the room cant replicate, not really (side note, that we dont see what bryce sees because its a Show. and i think many people assume Right when texty brought them back that he saw it was. but i think it Stopped showing the suburbs AS he was talking to liam, hence the surprise! i imagine it was visually similar to when a setting changes in a dream. but thats not important to this post). from here, he doesnt seem more OPTIMISTIC, but it seems like hes more. content? determined? which i imagine has to do with 'thought he was dead Forever, and was in shock' -> 'thought he was dead Forever, but might be able to help the other contestants! which is good!' -> 'hes NOT dead forever. but like. he STILL can help them!' which i think is a weird combo of Good News and a New Goal RIGHT after smth Super Fucked Up

anyway, the conclusion that tangent was supposed to visualize is that. i think the waiting room might be. mostly positive to bryce??? but in the same way someone might think positively of something saving them from smth fucked up. like that isnt to say the bryce likes it but i think its a complex appreciation?? im not sure. he talks a lot abt how he doesnt want to throw everything away Again, and i think the waiting room almost Contradicted everything about that? like. dying SHOULDVE been the end of everything. but it??? wasnt??? it ultimately didnt help anything substantially, but like. he went through All That and came out alive, somehow? endorphins were probably also at play

but then also it DID lead to him dying 20+ times. so its certainly not just positive for him. but i think overall this would make how he feels about the waiting room. pretty complex? and probably confusing for himself. given that he saw it as it was for a relatively short amount of time, and the two didnt take too much time trying to figure out WHAT the room even WAS, i dont think itd be easy to connect everything together. and it wouldnt be unreasonable for him to assume that itd be the suburbs if he ever went back, or that if it WAS that orange and pink place, maybe thats not fully bad? but eeither way, itd certainly be disorienting to think about. i think the idea of it not having been Real would be confusing and maybe a bit upsetting, but he doesnt strike me as caring TOO much if its 'real.' though i think the idea of spending the rest of existence in something Fake would also be. unnerving

charlotte also definitely saw Something. its never clarified WHAT, but the fact that she saw something is Clear. and i think shed probably be affected by it in a more subtle way, because she NEVER saw it as it was. as far as she knows, when she died, she was shown something (and likely someone) that she wanted to go to, so i think shed see it as mostly a positive place. a very desirable place to be!!! but that has little to do w how shed feel abt dying itself. because i think the idea of death not being smth Bad would be comforting, but also the act of dying itself would be the unsettling in itself. that, and the fact that she can be brought back Easily, potentially. which ALSO isnt necessarily negative but also i think would be Weird to think about. that you can be somewhere great forever, for the rest of existence, but at any moment that place could be taken away. Really, its not that much different from the trauma of the plane (though, given her life beforehand, the idea of being taken from someplace definitively Good might be more unique to her having died) but its likely smth that would Still impact her

amelia then is the most complicated to figure out out of the four? bc we dont even know how much she SAW. it likely wasnt MUCH but like. she seems to know she Died, at the very least, and knows how temporary it Can be (however unrealistic that may seem) . as such i think her feelings on the waiting room are probably hazy, and what ideas she DOES have are closer to charlottes. most of what she knows about it would likely be based around what the others tell her. really, for amelia, i think the more haunting aspect is the Dying part. i think it affects her sense of self, and that having been brought back partially Didnt happen. that amelia died, and scenty was respawned. as such, i think the waiting room COULD be a negative concept for her, but only on account of it having been the last thing that the idea of amelia probably ever saw. that, or the first thing the idea of where scenty begins starts. just a extremely brief glimpse into somewhere dreamlike, and then a huge shift in self. i think post canon this feeling of having Died lingers a LOT, and what would haunt her about the afterlife has more to do with the idea of ANOTHER loss of self. which would also have to be smth Worked out in therapy or smth of that nature

basically i think they all would have verrry different thoughts on the waiting room , but even those among them that dont have a completely negative view of it wouldnt necessarily see it positively. and i think itd suck for them . SO bad. but i think someday it would maybe suck a little less!

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

this is the hi nanna anon again, and oml i do agree w you about yashna crossing the lines!! the black saree thing, her acting like she has a right to question viraj's decisions about mahi, etc

but overall it was overshadowed by the number of things i loved in the movie/the emotions

I think Mrunal being drawn to viraj/mahi did make sense in my head, because I felt like- even though she forgot those memories, her body would remember? i'm not fully sure what I meant but something along the lines of recognising the comfort viraj gave her & subconsciously recognising bits of herself/someone she loved in mahi? but all that might just be the romantic in me being delulu lmao

and I get what you mean by not vibing with it/feeling like it was Too Much, (especially after the malayalam movies), that does make sense.

I desperately needed both the lead characters to go to therapy so many times 😭 helping yashna cope w her trauma before conceiving mahi would've helped in so many ways, no? and like. my brain has been full of thoughts of them dealing with their trauma after the end of the movie (if they make a part 2 exploring their dynamics, i'd die of joy. unfortunately it's not likely to happen at all smh)

and yes 65 roses was so cute and genius

anyway, thanks for answering!! (and for dealing with my unprompted essay lol)

YASHNA i could not for the life of me remember their names lmfao -- and yeah like as far as she knows shes a random stranger and she's demanding traumatic memories and answer from literally a guy at a coffeeshop like 😭😭 please he just spent all day frantically searching for his daughter maybe find him a therapist instead

for me her being drawn to him made sense in like a, the dog recognizing the kid and him, the fact that they didnt stray from their life paths after the accident, like if they were married they would be in the same place not just because they were together but because their lives just played out like that. but i can see how you see it (im a hopeless romantic too so i want this more than the analytical way) and especially with how much trauma yashna went through and only found comfort in viraj, so even without conscious memory her subconscious would still find comfort in him..................... anon i am subscribing to your beliefs

I KNOWWWWWW LIKE PLEASE 7CUPS IS FREEEEE!!!!!!!!! if i was in that movie i would be getting my degree in psychiatry specifically for them. on god we are getting your mental health above the ground bro

yesssssssssssssss, nani has such a Father Face in a way i cannot explain so its for me specifically that he's playing more now that he's older. if i wasnt in love with him i'd ask him to adopt me (and tbh. he's more than old enough to.)

jersey was so sad, i still tear up when i listen to the songs :(((( its a movie i definitely want to watch again when my emotional capacity is more stable lmaoo

no worries at all, i loooooove essay asks like we r having an intellectual conversation in this chilis tonight 🙏🏽🙏🏽 i will literally never be annoyed im like omg friend :]

[ivan-is-autistic]

12/25/23 - reflection on being autistic and related trauma / its been about a year since i left my toxic relationship, and nearly a year since i had the epiphany that im autistic. i kicked out my ex like a week before christmas last year because he was being so horrible to me that i couldn’t stand it anymore. shortly after in January ‘23 it clicked for me that i’m autistic and my life has never been the same since. in a lot of ways it changed for the better when i realized what was happening and i could accommodate myself. but it also got harder to mask and i’m dealing with skill regression. i’m burnt out and having trouble finding the energy to go back to school for my masters. ive been re-traumatized and its even harder than it already was to socialize and make friends. i’m still trying to cope with the fact that i didnt know who i was for most of my life. i thought i was a girl until i was 16. i thought i was allistic until i was 23. i didn’t understand why people thought i was weird or why i didn’t get included when i was trying my best to be approachable and kind. i know now that i’m an autistic trans man, and im proud of who i am. i’m proud of getting through all that i did, even if it sucked and i didn’t deserve it.

[usernu11]

okay ive calmed down

some thoughts on the website content dropped today

The brothers true feelings

honestly i don't know why i wasn't thinking of this in the first place. i mean, of course a lot of the brothers would feel absolutely terrible falling. we know mammon looked up to lucifer a lot and has stated many times that he was with lucifer the whole way through when it came to his decision. he might be really trying to be there for his brothers and that's why he's not crying on his image. i'm really curious as to how he handles everyone, since it seems like he'll be butting heads with those that aren't happy with the outcome of their choice. i'm also curious how he'll deal with satan.

lucifer oh lucifer, where did your pride take you? i'm curious what his quote is talking about and honestly i can only assume that its dealing with lucifer and lilith. i mean, of course he feels terrible for keeping the lilith issue a secret, but i think what hurts the most early on is the fact that he had to tell his grieving brothers that they were to follow diavolo and that their eldest brother they risked it all for seemingly is completely on diavolos side. it must hurt all the more since the last person they were loyal to hurt them in the worst way possible.

levi and asmo seem miserable lol. i'm honestly really curious why them in particular seem to be regretting their choice? did they not know they would fall? it did seem like, at least in the flash back in lesson 15-16, that even lucifer wasn't aware he was a demon at first until it was pointed out to him. maybe they didnt realize the consequences would be so permanent? i wonder if they feel mislead, since they seem to hate it in the devildom.

satan!!! omg!!! satan!!! how you're the most i want to learn about!! i knew he didn't get along well with the brothers at first, especially since he came at a really traumatic time. if i had to guess, the person he'll probably have the most contact with is mammon and lucifer since they seem like the ones who take control while everyone goes through the motions. maybe the reason he's so into cats is cause he was lonely and the only ones who really 'got' him and gave him comfort were the strays :(

beel!!! my beloved don't cry :( !! his quote is definitely because he's absolutely guilt ridden about his 'choice' and how he feels that he chose belphie over lilith when he should have saved both. the fact that i still think his sin plays directly into his feelings and how he's probably absolutely ravenous because the guilt eats away at him constantly. he's totally gonna be really protective during this time as well, especially when it comes to belphie. talking about belphie-

belphie, oh how i want so much for you. his quote clearly indicates that he'll be struggling with how the pin the 'blame', whether it be his father or the humans or maybe someone else? himself? i really wouldn't mind if he's still his little shitter self, i just want better for him and his characterization!! i don't want another lesson 16, i want him to go through the motions!! and i want him to fight with beel!!! i feel strongly about this honestly, i get they have a twin thing going on and i adore it but they have moments where they're 'i'm my own person' and this needs to be one of these moments!! if belphie is gonna have another 'ew humans' moment with mc there then i need beel and honestly, the brothers, to have some push back on his actions and to TALK ABOUT IT. PLEASE. TALK ABOUT HOW HE'S COPING UNHEALTHILY.

Going through the motions

i love obey me, i love the brothers. what im abt to rant about is because i love the series so much and i really really don't want the same mistakes to be made. honestly, i would love if throughout a good majority of the game, the brothers to be dealing with a GOOD majority of their trauma and to still be going through it when we get sent back to the present. i want it to be ugly, gross and painful and i want to feel what i SHOULD HAVE felt during lesson 16. i want to feel the brothers struggling to come to terms with their own decisions, thoughts and differing opinions when it comes to major life altering decisions.

MC and their impact

i'm actually pretty okay with MC going back in time, I feel like there will be a lot of opportunities for more time for some of the other datables and side characters since the brothers will absolutely be a little busy dealing with everything going on. it's also really nice that we can, at least, comfort them even if it won't mean anything in the long term, they definitely deserve it :( . I'm a liiiittle worried they might try and have it affect the main, current storyline which would make the already messy timeline situation even messier in my opinion. i wouldn't mind like, an event or some mentions but reaaaaally just want the second game to be about making the characters have a more deeper characterization since the format and ever increasing cast makes it a little hard.

[fnaf-girls-world]

it’s been awhile. i’m a sophomore now and im doing better, i have a new crush and a new vibe. but i just wanted to let out some things i have no bravery to talk about irl. the first guy i talked to in the beginning of the year i talked about a couple times on this app. he was so fun, and he was also the worst thing to ever happen. it’s not like we dated, i just liked him a little bit (more of the idea of him). but who knew someone that you never really had a relationship with could leave you with a trauma you didn’t realize you had. when the whole thing was over and i was done with him, consciously i moved on really quickly, but i subconsciously held onto it and feared a repeat. so when i got the next boys number i was scared that id mess up or something and he’d repeat the same thing. telling my mom about the whole situation really made me realize some stuff, talking about it made it easier to deal with. but now i realize that it plays more in other stuff. i have a new crush and so far i only noticed him because he stared at me. when i decided to follow him in instagram i got scared and didnt wanna because i thought “what if he thinks im weird” or “what if im the one staring at him?” little things that just don’t make since to worry about. which was proven by the fact that after i followed him he messaged me with ease, he initiated an interaction. so what am i getting to? i was left with a fear of being shunned or bought as a weird person by some guy who just had a bunch of negative things to say. ever since i met that guy my emotions in a way were heightened, i mainly cried more. i cried more with anything that had to do with social interactions not just a crush, just social stuff in general. this boy got to me so bad that it affected a lot of my social anxiety. i hated going to school, i felt like everyone knew how he felt and they all sided with him even though a max of 4 people knew and were all nobody’s. i’m so scared to the point that every time i follow someone new or if someone follows me i like to make sure they aren’t following him. i subconsciously try not to say to much around him out of the fear of being judged. why is it affecting me so much? he only said a couple mean things so why does it leave me so traumatized. it wasn’t even my choice to do the things that had him calling me stuff. i didn’t wanna look crazy, i didn’t wanna send those obsessive messages but everyone told me to and then they all left me after he thought i was a crazy. they knew it was wrong, but maybe i should’ve just did my own thing. i know better now and hopefully i’ll get better now, i just really hope that this trauma doesn’t last for the rest of my life, hopefully just for a couple months.

(9/2/24, 1:07am)

[phoenix-eclipses]

So I play DnD with some IRL friends. All of our campaigns are based off of games and since we haven’t played in a little while, I wanted to make a goofy list of my favorite things from each because I can

This is a lot of yapping tbh so if you just follow me to see my SMAU, be warned

Hollow Knight Campaign (don’t come to me for anything about Hollow Knight Ive played less than an hour of gameplay)

This campaign was restarted from what it originally was, but the first version I joined late

So I didn’t have very much info on a lot of things

Within that first session we get into a fight with someone wanting intel and I end up being the only one to make the save to stay conscious so she ends up interrogating the one with zero info of what we are doing (she had to wake up someone else)

In the original, we found a bone house with a bone bed and from there I made my character obsessed with bone furniture so our dm made it so after each fight not only did we get gold, we got some bones

Genshin Impact Campaign

Our characters are literally traumatized Knight, someone who worked with Hu Tao, and lower ranked Fatui member (me)

When we got to Mondstadt we were taught how to glide and were told to climb on the Barbatos statue which I failed at climbing so much that the dm made it where said god picked me up and put me on the statue’s hands)

The one who worked under Hu Tao doesn’t know what the Fatui actually is, she thinks its some fancy private school so when theres slight hostility towards my character, she sasses people about how theyre just jealous of my education

The traumatized knight is basically the dad of the group

Honkai Star Rail Campaign

The newest one

Our group is basically a thing similar to Herta, a robot, and a Vidyadhara (me)

The whole group decided gender sucks so none of us are cis/have a gender

We take the place of the mc so we did do the whole Stellaron deal

I didnt know how to give skills to my character and we were talking about the Vidyadhara eggs and now their whole kit involves eggs

They hand eggs to people they want to be friends with and if you break said friendship, the egg will break (important for later)

Due to how Vidyadhara life is, my character doesn’t understand the risk of dying so when the whole doomsday beast was going on, they called it Doomsie and mentioned wanting to befriend it

The DM told me if I got a nat 20 we could not only befriend it to use it in battle, but would let Dan Heng have a permanent slot in our party (Dan Heng is one of my favorites and I had been sad about the fact we could only add one additional character to our fights)

I got a Nat 20

When we got to Belebog, I gave Cocolia an egg and our DM commented on us trying to befriend her too

I privately messaged the DM and said that I didn’t plan on it personally and that if we do end up fighting her, that she should figure out the stats of the friendship eggs exploding

We have not fought Cocolia yet

We did spend some time waiting to meet her tho

We ended up starting a dance line, which one of the group members tried to start but got a 4 so I tried to help them

I got another nat 20

It has become a thing to expect a single nat 20 from me that will be the goofiest thing ever

[fictionfixations]

angry ranting time

(i curse. a lot.)

hi. heres my reveal that i play magic awakened

about the story. can we talk about the fact that for some reason NO ONE BLINKS AN EYE at the use of the memory removal charm whatever the fuck??? like i havent been in this fandom for so long so i forgot a lot, but is it legal to just remove memories from people?? (lets not even talk about muggles…) like. okay. so the grandma removed the memory from her grandkid (traumatic memory). but she was so shit at it (she 'rushed' it so then ivy(? I FORGOT THE NAMES) had memory issues all the time and didnt even remember her SISTER??? HELLO?) like okay even if its 'legal' id have to assume youd need some sort of permit or whatever the fuck to be allowed to use it, and to be skilled at it too to not mess someone up. because memories are such an important part of you that taking them away has to be a crime!? (AND ITS NOT?? you can just ruin someones life and be like '…it was rushed' AND NO ONE BATS AN EYE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!)

if ivy didn't actually disappear her sister (and it was the sister who disappeared herself by accident which made ivy think she did it) how the fuck did the quibbler end up talking about it? howd they even hear of it?? usually i support the quibbler and hate the daily prophet but like. seriously…? (if they learned it from law enforcement didnt the grandma explain that the sister did it to herself?! YOU FUCKING INCOMPETENT--) "Local Girl Make Sister Disappear to Keep Her Out of Hogwarts" HELLO? YOUR INFORMATION IS WRONG. YOU MF. HOW DARE YOU YOU DISAPPOINTMENT. (im. so pissed off.)

i forgot how much the fandom makes me so angry though because everyone in the storys kind of an idiot and huifsheiuf???? i want to SCREAM. (tldr; adults are still shit)

i thought ivy was kinda something like neville but it isnt that shes just forgetful, shes forgetful because her gRANDMA decided it was a good idea to MEMORY WIPE her. like. guys… the magic world needs like fucking therapists or some shit to talk this through instead of using super powerful spells to do whatever the fuck. (WHO thought it was a good idea to teach children [AT MAXIMUM AT 11 YEARS OLD. because Ivy's sister knew it BEFORE Ivy got her hogwarts letter.] the vanishing spell oh my god. oh wait. the grandma. BITCH.)

LIKe. SERIOUSLY??? it baffles me how things like this can just happen

ALSO there are still like dark wizards

and i mean yeah people are still gonna be evil but now theres ANOTHER evil oh my god (i know theres meant to be something to make the story interesting but im sobbing where the fuck are the adults to deal with this shit)

theres this thing called NOTME (wow. excellent naming skills.) that wants to reveal magic to the muggles by doing illegal things (okay well illegal things can be vague because just revealing it is illegal. but more like. think magical things in front of a crowd. ..which is very likely to lead to just utter panic because its so many.)

idk i didnt really pay attention because im just. tired at this point (harry potter has a way of doing that to me).

also one sad moment that gets an honorable mention. so you know george weasley? i think thats the twin that survived (i am SO bad with names)

we encounter him and he talks about pranking umbridge with his twin

and hes just saying 'we' and im thinking 'wait is he alive??' but no hes just. saying it (even if technically we probably dont know about his twins death so we might be confused) and it just

makes me sad. :(

anyway

also i forgot what i was meant to do here so im just kind of waiting for my doods to finish it since idk what im supposed to do

(it passed onto 13 minutes and then something happened and i won?? IDFK i got so confused. ive gone to the bird but nothing happens and my attacks dont affect it so idk)

[boy-that-says-hooty-hoo]

"#reminder that if you label all men as inherently cruel in nature not only are you condemning trans women" so far from the truth this hurts to read. you're the one who's falling victim to the terf ideology. a trans woman is not a man, a trans woman is a woman. You do not EVER talk about men and include "trans women" in your definition of men.

hi. im a fucking trans man by the fucking way. thought i should mention that since you clearly think its your job to dictate what i get to say on trans issues that affect me and my loved ones. i include myself in narratives about lesbians, women, men and trans women because we are all affected by the same struggles. if you had any reading comprehension you should realise that what i said means trans women are affected negatively by societal view of men, not ‘trans women are men so you should like men.’ though if you did interpret it correctly and STILL came to the conclusion that im a transphobe, i think you should shove a fucking log up your ass.

there are people iding as cis men who havent realised they are trans women or non binary. and, fun fact, you should care about those people and how your perception of men as inherently predatory affects them. viewing men as inherently predatory makes trans people question whether or not they are trans enough, that they might still be too much of a man and therefore undeserving of trans spaces. trans women are particularly affected by this and often delay realising they are trans for fear of invading trans spaces. which, mind you, is extremely significant for any trans person, and very traumatic.

the fact is that if you view the abstract definiton of ‘men’ as inherently cruel, creepy and predatory, that immediately affects trans women because they are not some separate entity from men and women, they are just as affected by gender roles and often grow up being socialised to be ‘men,’ or even end up experiencing both roles due to not conforming. trans people as a whole often have to go through a process of unlearning gender roles to even be comfortable transitioning. viewing men as inherently cruel perpetuates the gender roles that we as trans people have to constantly combat, it reinforces them for both us and cis people and divides us even more. which is not something we should want. we should want cis people to also be free of gender roles, which will lead to more trans people feeling safer, accepted and more integrated into society.

viewing men as inherently cruel and evil is also a roundabout form of gatekeeping trans spaces and reinforcing gender roles for EVERYONE. you lock out anyone who isnt trans enough because its simply ‘in their nature’ to be horrible, you affect cis people who want to unlearn their behaviours, young boys who haven’t yet experienced the full scope of cruelty that is pushed onto them, you exclude drag queens and men who are women (not trans women, men who are also women but still men, people who’s genders you cant understand but probably still have a big fat fucking stinking opinion about), you affect cis and trans lesbians who have to deal with people subscribing to the idea that masculinity is inherently predatory, you affect trans men who feel guilty in ‘betraying’ their assigned gender to horrible horrible bad disgusting men and masculinity. you lock them out, you stop caring for them.

trans women are not men. i didnt even remotely say that so dont come into my fucking inbox and ACCUSE me of being a terf behind your shitty little anon icon. this is extremely inappropriate. rather than trying to understand fully what i said you did a complete fucking tumblr and misinterpreted everything. dont get surprised and shocked that im angry, im not obligated to be kind to strangers that arent kind to me, condescending fuck. ‘you do not EVER’ do not ever what??? talk about subjects that affect me and the people i love deeply??? go fuck yourself.

[trans-rights-coastalmangoes]

THANK YOU i am on vol 13 trimax rn so i cant say anything for the ending

but as i was reading it i was surprised that trimax managed to bypass my "ugh a DID system where one is a crazed killer" ick bc.... razlo isn't uniquely violent. we have seen so many singlets in the series before LR even comes on and have come to understand that this world is full of violent people, each with their own unique justifications for violence. razlo even loses fights against them sometimes. i like that razlo has a personality, that he has frustrations with livio ("it's not just your body") and that livio acknowledges razlo as a whole person ("i'm sorry i only let you front for the traumatic stuff so i wouldnt have to deal with it").... resonates a lot with me and my alter. but also the theme of you are not alone and we gotta take care of each other (which trimax puts into the whole story anyway). i was worried a bit when Livio decided he was gonna front for a while bc i though the solution the book gave us was just that Razlo was a problem and the solution was for him to never come out again but when razlo returned like "you idiot!!! stop trying to do everything yourself!!" i was very very happy

also the fact that the cast seamlessly accepts that LR are two people? i've seen a lot of DID rep where it's just "ah. here is one crazy guy with multiple personalities" but everyone just seems to acknowledge the personhood of each and it's refreshing to see. even people who don't know they're a system are suddenly like "wait. you're acting differently. who are you now?" without having to be explained what's going on

anyway i watched tristamp before reading trimax. didn't realize livio was supposed to be part of a system. thought the eye glowing thing was a part of the horrible experiments and he got turned into a murder cyborg or something. when watching him i just got the impression "oh here's a crazy guy character who's violent and unstable. great." didn't like that he shot himself in the head. they didnt give me much to hold on to in regards to getting invested in him as a person/character, feels like they made an attempt by saying "look! he was a child once! and ww liked him :)" and that's just, not enough for me. we never really got to understand who this guy was at all.

I feel like trigun maximum just hit that perfect sweet spot of bad DID representation done right. like yes the classic small system, blackout split, with one of them being the stereotypical crazy murderer but there's more to trimax before and after their introduction thats so important. they took all of the DID villain movie tropes, put them in a dying word + a murder cult, and shouted the same thing they've been shouting at everyone for the past 80 chapters: THEY'RE STILL HUMAN, THEY DESERVE A FUTURE!! the same volume they introduce him in is the same volume they get thrown on their redemption arc, because it wasn't DID that was his problem it was their abuser and the thing he made them do. trimax just hits you over the head with all the themes with one character and they're well written and well loved in the rest of the series. they get a cowboy hat and they both purse the cowboy way! the main take away wasn't that razlo needs to be put in a cage, it was hey this protector is trying his best, he has his own emotions, be kind to him. it was really refreshing to see in media and I didn't expect it to come from this.

im afraid that trigun stampede is going to miss the mark. not in a sense that I think they're going to change the ending, but how the story is building up is different. we haven't been shown several instances of the average joe having to kill for personal gain to survive on no man's land, so it makes livio and razlo feel like an individual crazed threat looming over the horizon. it also leans into the horror of episode 6 and 7 and ends up having a demonizing way of depicting disassociation. when wolfwood is in the cell pleading for him and livios just standing there with his eye mysteriously glowing, it gives me the ick. not that there can't be a narrative where both livios and wolfwoods feelings are being recognized in a meaningful way, its more that there's too much time given to ruminate in wolfwoods pov, that the audience is going to see them as threatening longer duration. manga readers know whats coming but a majority of viewers do not. [I did absolutely enjoyed wolfwood pulling him out of disassociation with smell the smell of smoke and calmly saying wake up old friend, it melted my heart. I also thought it was funny when livio shot himself but thats just me and a whole other tangent lmao]

do I think this is going to be better when the series is finished and everyone has all of the pieces? yes, absolutely. its just that the years inbetween their redemption undos what made trimaxs good

TLDR: trimax makes you feel like a fucking idiot for even doubting for a chapter that they were going to stray from their core theme of "everyone deserves a future" just because these guys are a DID system with blood on their hands. meanwhile tristamp finds its faults in the time it takes to get livio and razlo to their redemption arcs because it paints them to be a looming threat more than 2 dudes in a lot of pain.

other systems in the trigun fandom please tell me your thoughts + we should be friends

[yaoischolar]

tw for some c/s/a talk i guess

mostly im just putting this here because i get to ramble a bit more than i do through twitter ... though it feels kind of ridiculous to wail about this online to strangers, i've always found solace in that, haven't i?

i had a really really difficult therapy session last thursday that kind of left me picking up a lot of shattered pieces of my childhood. i casually mentioned to her that i have the passing thought now and then that i was sexually abused as a child, but i never press on it because i've always had so much going on otherwise. but for once i let myself press since i was safe enough to do so. and i just.

how do you deal with something you have no memory of, but all of the scars remain? how do you just have a realization like this and try to continue life as normal? i feel like i've always had clear "before" and "after" moments in my childhood wrt traumatic events, but now that clarity has completely shattered, because there was never a real before. there was just always an after. and you don't even remember what happened— theres only signs pointing to that direction, leading you down the road only to open up to a giant pit that you can't fathom going down right now.

i've always known what sex was. i could basically reenact it as a child. i let the neighbor boy lock me in a closet with himself while he tried to "make out" with me and i just sat there and didnt move, and just accepted that until the door was finally opened and i could leave. i let a girl at daycare show me a hiding spot where she could touch my vaginal area and i could touch hers, but then once it was done, she threatened to tell all of the teachers on me. ive always had a fixation on romance and the physical aspects of a romantic relationship even if i never "fully" understood— since i was a young child, all the way to being a teenager.

when i discovered masturbation i felt so fucking ashamed and guilty. i could never penetrate myself until i started having sex later on in life, but penetrative sex has usually had a very sharp, stabbing pain deep inside of me that i always did my best to ignore because maybe eventually it could go away. (sometimes it does, sometimes it's there.) oral sex is completely off the table. it's always induced a kind of nausea in me to think about performing it at all.

i don't know who could have done it. i always left my aunt and uncles house in tears after spending weekends there as a child, and i don't remember any of those weekends. my uncle has had a weird fixation on me since i was young. last year during the holidays, as i was leaving with my wife, he was really drunk. he grabbed me and all i felt was a sense of panic. he grabbed my face and it was terrifying, watching him lean down like he was gonna kiss me directly only to turn my head at the last second and kiss my cheek. and then he says "you know i love you, right?"

but then theres the fact my siblings had friends in and out of the house a lot. i hung out with boys older than me when my mom brought me along to see her friends. i would be left alone unsupervised with them a lot. my parents have always been convinced im dramatic and a liar.

i never really understood that i was a person until i was nearly 10. i always viewed my life as never my own. i was just a puppet for someone to watch on tv, i even remember sitting there imagining a group of men were watching my life play out on the tv while i took a bath as a very young child. i know i blocked a lot of pieces out, and my brain really cherrypicks memories, but something isn't adding up. something isn't right.

i waffle on this and my mom's voice lives in my head telling me i'm making this up. but if i was making this up, would my body have such a visceral reaction? i spent the entire night after my therapy session wide awake replaying every moment i could remember from my childhood. i've felt so fucking bad and listless since thursday. the only moments i feel grounded are when i have the company of others. when im alone or quiet my brain always comes back to this now. if i try to press on any one memory that i think could be a hint, i feel dizzy and heavy all at once. i've read countless articles and reddit posts and posts here just to make sense of everything. i get worried i never showed the extreme symptoms, but i certainly had depression and anxiety before i was even an adolescent.

sex was a very carefully avoided subject in my house. it was never brought up, and my family worked double time to ensure i wouldn't see suggestive content of any kind. i was sitting with my siblings once while they were watching a movie where two girls end up making out, and right when it started happened, i was shuffled out of the room immediately. i wasnt allowed to really enjoy pre-teen or teenage media of any kind until... i don't know? one day they kind of stopped trying to hide it. but sex was still never brought up to me. always avoided. i was never asked if i was having sex as a teenager. never asked if i messed around with any friends. i was still always free to sleep over at friends houses when i was in elementary school, but i really only ever had one friend i was consistently sleeping over at, and when i was a teenager our sleepovers were in large groups.

this post has no real direction. i like to treat this like a diary sometimes. i know if i have it here im not just exaggerating how badly i've been doing over the last few days, and if i doubt how much it's affected me down the line, i have this to fall back on. i have therapy again on thursday. i have a lot of things to unpack. i know eventually i may uncover something i've kept hidden in me for a long time. there's a strange relief to know i'm not just someone who's kind of always had a weird, poor relationship with sex and my body— my body remembers. even if i don't, my body does, and it's always tried to tell me.

but now i have so much to reckon with. im finally safe enough in my life that i can process these emotions, yeah. sure. how do i deal with the idea that there's never really not been sexual trauma within me? how do i deal with the fact that one of the worst things that can happen to a child happened to me, and if i said anything to my family right now, i would be called a liar? how do i deal with the fear that people doubt my claims on this since i dont have memory of it happening?

i'll be ok. i know i will be. i have a good support system in place. i just wish that i had a chance as a child. i never had one. nobody gave me one. all the brief moments of love i felt from my family feel so empty now. what do they know that i don't?

[saltysatellite804]

Childhood is like, yeah, some shit happened but you didnt get it and that lessened the impact. You had hopes and dreams. Pictured a future of freedom. Got lost in your imagination for hours. Life sucked still but at least you didn't know how bad.

Adulthood is like, losing everyone you knew, seeing people get old, seeing your pets get old and wonder how much time you have left with them, mental breakdowns, constantly putting out fires, feeling your mortal ticking clock, blaming yourself for everything, paperwork and phone calls, lack of sleep, coffee, herbal teas, drown your brain in a gacha game and fanfic or whatever currently fixated on and always vaguely unfulfilled and waiting for the next Traumatic Event to Deal With. No idea what the FUCK you're doing and cant talk for shit but hey at least the boss loves the fact you're a hard worker and that's all you have going for you. Oh that show you loved is back but it's not the same cuz your imagination is shot to shit and so is your memory and it doesnt feel as fantastic now. Death and gore in stories seem more realistic. You cant lay down without feeling your heart pounding anymore... why the fuck is my body doing x? Has it always? Is it normal or not? Wow I wish I had the attention span to sink 500 hrs into Skyrim again. A part of you sort of wants to die and get it over with before anything else can destroy you but most of you is too terrified at the prospect. Cant access therapy. Cant make friends. Will never have a family because you dont want one...

But you guess it's good to not be around your childhood trauma anymore? And you're still sort of pretending life might prove you wrong and actually get better? You sometimes convince yourself your happy and satisified, when on a writing high, or distracted by art, but in the end, you come out of it and sort of just see what a big fucking mess you are.

Lol.

("You" is actually me.)

[ingoodjesst]

#yeah lol i fuckin hate okumura so much and i always say this its my hill to die on#that okumuras palace couldve been REALLY GOOD if the writers actually like. gave it attention#and if they you know. actually believed in something and took a stance#i think the only interpretation I like is one where haru isnt upset that her father died per some#shes upset that akechi stole that chance from her because she wanted to make the choice for herself how to deal with him#cuz it makes a lot of sense for her character she doesnt get to decide anything about her life#and the one time she finally gets to do something for herself and think about what she wants#another fucking man comes in and decides for her#plus like harus dad is ass and she knows this so i mean i dont think shes like too attached to him#seeing him die brutally though thats pretty traumatic lol#i think persona just struggles really bad with nuanced feelings towards an abusive parent (see how badly they handled yusukes abuse)

#also gotta also mention mitsurus dad who was just a massive douche god i hate the kirijo group#and she is pretty identical to haru in that shes an heiress who never gets to decide anything for herself and her dad dies and shes forced#to take over his company and like damn like i was so shocked and still am when the bad guys of p3 were strega and not the kirijo group#like. strega. the guys who were horrifically experimented on by the kirijos and have come up with a fucked up mentally to cope with their#trauma over the fact they were abused as kids and the only ones out of 100 who didnt die#theyre the bad guys. and we’re just okay with the kirijo group cuz teehee theyre good now!#even though mitsuru was forced to be a persona user when she was like 8 and never got a choice and was just a tool to them#and they covered up kens moms death and possibly also experimented on shinji and provided the suppressants that slowly killed him and Strega#and more! they suck and its so infuriating how mitsuru is written cuz yay misogyny#shes gotta take over the company because its not actually corrupt if a Good Person runs it even though shes not gonna do anything different#and she doesnt get to live her own life shes still being forced into this BUT DONT WORRY CUZ SHE WAAAANTS IT NOW#and they do the same with haru but like slightly different cuz my assumption is the writers realized how dirty they did mitsuru#so they were like ‘okay we wont revise p3 but we are aware big evil rich corporation is Bad Actually’#but hnn they barely do anything to change imo and they still hold that ‘the system is fine it just has bad apples’ mindset

#i can write so many essays god i LOVE both the empress girls but oooh i hate the way theyre written so bad lol#anyways akechi is based for killing okumura but not based for not letting haru get a few swings in first - @hecksupremechips

i love these tags - i haven't finished p3 but the haru stuff, yeah absolutely my personal interpretation is that the main reason why haru doesn't forgive akechi for killing her father is that she no longer got to deal with him on her own terms. like you said, this was about her asserting her autonomy her justice, freeing herself with her powers, only for her act of liberation to be co-opted by yet another man. moreover, now she never gets to see his change of heart, to see if he at least talks to her and apologizes for what he did to her - even if she couldn't fully accept it, even if she still begrudges him for all his terrible misdeeds, at least she'd get to choose what to do with that. it should've been HER active journey to navigate these complex feelings, but that opportunity is ripped away; now the only reality she can negotiate is a shitty dead dad. ALSO now the fallout of her father's actions all falls on her shoulders, since he's no longer around to face the consequences. he never gets to experience the theme of "fates worse than death", and instead haru has to clean up the mess...

also yeah the watching your dad die brutally part on live tv lmao... ouch.

i seriously wish persona handled the abusive dad stuff more gracefully, like between haru and yusuke it's such a shame more nuance and depth isn't wrought from those storylines - how you can be torn between the fact this person raised you and at times even cared for you, but still was a shit person overall. finding closure about that (if ever) is so complicated, and that journey could've been so emotionally engaging. it also just would've been more interesting for this theme to get fleshed out because of the parallels between these two and akechi, how their desire for validation from their dads was twisted and manipulated for other people's gains. my current take on haru and akechi's dynamic is like, haru is both firm about justice and kind about injustice - she'd feel the same anger towards shido as she feels towards her own dad, and she'd feel sympathy for akechi. not enough to just forgive him for the injustice he did to her by stealing her agency - but enough to recognize that he himself had a lot of agency stolen. being your dad's puppet hurts a lot and they both understand that pretty uniquely.

Persona 5 and to some extent the fandom tries to make us feel bad that Goro Akechi killed Haru's father but like that guy is basically the fast food equivalent of elon musk complete with space obsession, disrespecting his daughter, and workers abuse, and also his palace gave me a migraine so frankly im glad his ass is dead everyone say thank you akechi