#its been a fucking day. im going to have to go back to living on like $100 food budget a month again
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Trust Me Okay?
Whew, whoever told Chantel Williams about Andre really blew up his life before he was ready. Hopefully, it doesn't ruin anything...hopefully
Transcript under the cut~
Sebastian: Can you please please PLEASE make chicken alfredo pasta tonight? I’m really really REALLY craving it
Andre: No.
Sebastian: Why!?!
Andre: You can make that yourself.
Sebastian: Okay, fine. I can’t make steaks can you make that then? With mashed potatoes and veggies on the side
Andre: You’re always so demanding. I cook at work then I gotta come home and cook for you too?
Sebastian: PLEASE!!! We have the weekend off and when I do cook it never taste the same!
Andre: Being your roommate is tedious
Sebastian: I’m taking that as a yes! Let’s go to the farmers market!
Andre: *tsk* You’re exhausting
Sebastian: Stop acting like you don’t enjoy my energy! If it weren’t for me you’d be cooped up inside all day!
Andre: Yea, yea, yea whatever you say
Sebastian: Oh! We should also stop by the flea market and see if anything cool is there
Andre: *deep negro sigh* Alright.
*Paparazzi's Comments Start*
ANDRE! ANDRE!
ANDRE! ANDRE!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR YOUNGER SIBLINGS
WHY WERE YOU DISOWNED?
DOES YOUR FATHER DO WHERE YOU LIVE
ARE YOU NO LONGER GOING TO RUN THE VILLAREAL EMPIRE?!?
*Paparazzi's Comments End*
Andre: No Comment!
Sebastian: Andre whats going on? What are they talking about?!?
Andre: Bash let's go back home
Sebastian: Im scared Andre...how did they know my name?! How do they know you?!
Andre: Lets go upstairs first. We’ll talk about it later
Sebastian: But...
Andre: Lets go!
Sebastian: Andre please tell me what's going on! Why the hell are there paparazzi outside our building? How do they even know my name?! Where we live! and what the fuck is a Villereal ?!
Andre: Its complicated Bash but I need you to calm down.
Sebastian: How can you say that!? This is terrifying! I'm scared!
Sebastian: I’m ju-
Andre: Sebastian. I need you to calm down and listen to me.
Andre: I told you its going to be okay. Get changed and we’ll talk
Sebastian: Okay...
Andre: You trust me?
Sebastian: Of course.
Andre: I won’t do anything to harm you. Just get changed and we’ll talk. Okay?
Sebastian: Okay.
Sebastian: “Villarreal”...that’s a really wealthy family back in Windenburg right?
Andre: How are you feeling now...
Andre: Yes...
Sebastian: They own almost all the major real estate in Windenburg...google said that they come from old money...
Andre: Not that old... but yea...
Sebastian: Jesus.
Andre: Bash listen I didn’t mean to lie. I swear, It’s complicated but my father isn’t the greatest person and I had siblings to protect...I just...Its complicated
Sebastian: We’ve been roommates for so long...You’ve been lying for so long...You...You...
Sebastian: That doesn’t tell me anything or explain why you lied to me for so long...
Sebastian: If the paparazzi didn’t show up at our door would you have even told me? Would I have come home one day to find all your stuff gone?
Andre: That would never happen Bash. I always planned on telling you...just after I sorted everything out
Sebastian: I don’t even know what to say...my mind is going crazy. People know where I live, my name, and what I look like! They’re calling me all sorts of things online...how can I even go to work like this?
Andre: I will handle it. Stay off the internet for now but believe me when I say it will be dealt with
Sebastian: Im scared Andre...this is scary for me
Andre: I know and I'm sorry.
Andre: It's going to be okay. Just trust me.
Sebastian:...Okay
#sims 4#sims 4 screenshots#sims#thereevesfamily#black simblr#ts4 screenshots#ts4 screenies#ts4 simblr#ts4 stories#black simmer#the sims 4#simblr
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mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
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i know theres not much of a fandom here for the will of the many but ,,,.., i just finished it and.,,,,, im in shambles. life is moving around me and I'm still in shock. I have things to do but i cant even think. what,, am i supposed to do. just go on? pretend im okay with this till the next one comes out??? I FEEL LIKE A ZOMBE. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING MATERS. ALL I FEEL IS-
i dont think ive ever been hit by a book hangover as much as this like wtf even was that /pos HELLO??? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME??? LKSJFLSKJBFLKSJBFLKSBFK:BSF:KBSF:KJBHSF:KJ
#the only way forward is to live in a state of denial#i need someone to talk to abt it but every time i even think too hard i start to shake like a wet dog#please please if you come across this in the void somehow and havent read it PLEASE give it a shot#actually pro tip- dont fucking do that#the will of the many#james islington#already read the one and only fic thank you for your service 🙏#I wanna chat spoilers but honestly i dont even know where to start#if [redacted] doesn't come back its on sight#give me my scrungle or give me death#when i tell you i was ugly crying its an understatement.#SPEAKING OF#[redacted]/vis would have been cannon if the author wasn't such a- [GUNSHOTS] (/lh)#hi hello its been a day but im back bc i cant stop thinking about this#“im going to make sure you burn for this” okay and im just supposed to be okay?? after all that??? IM JUST SUPOSED TO MOVE ON?????
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absolutely delicious flavour of edizzy is where theyre Actually Married but neither of them know it, while also being acutely aware of everything-
they celebrated 25 years of their matelotage. they are having sex on the regular. both of them think the other thinks their contract is purely for financial reasons and the sex is just fun + convenience.
#'hes just having sex with /me/ because he knows im not going to stab him in the back (literally)'#meanwhile theyre having the most tender schmoopy sex known to man because theyre both so fucking in love#(not 2 say anything abt the actual sex theyre having they can be as rough as they want itll still be tender because theyre having FEELINGS)#'of course we have a matlotage it'd be silly to not have a financial agreement when our lives are so entwined. whats mine is his'#and at the same time theyre celebrating anniversaries with blowout bashes and gifts and shit and just#theyre so fucking aware of their marriage but theyre SO STUPID about it#'but what if he doesnt like me like that' about the man whos slept next to him for decades#nyxtalks#ofmd#izzy hands#israel hands#edizzy#blackhands#anyway it ends when someone else finally points it out#classic steddyhands set up. eds talking about his relationship with izzy and stedes like 'youre married' 'yeah but not like that'#'absolutely yes like that edward- am i the other woman?????' and it takes a few days and a lot of convincing but they talk about it#and realise oh theyve been real actual married all their lives huh#que more fucking schmoopy sex. hand holding and tears and shit and maybe its a little cringe but its their wedding night ok ????????
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Do you have any plan to make some kind of bonus chapter or oneshot about marcille's perspective in little creature? It's not like I'm asking you for it ofc!! it's just that i think it'll be interesting to read, and especially since you had those tags about marcille after her fight/outburst with falin and how you couldn't add it to the fic because the fic is from falin's perspective
Probably not about anything that happens during a little creature, but maybe something before or after? Sometimes I do like to do "the other character thinking back to events while doing stuff in a sequel" oneshot type thing, but we'll see how it shakes out!
#asks#a little creature#i will say#Marcille was firmly in denial and just Not Thinking About Her Feelings#the dinner scene was the first crack in her self delusion but it was still there#then the last chapter was it finally shattering as she saw Falin kissing someone else and experienced Elf Shrimp Emotions#just insane intensity furor and jealousy#she was about to fucking blow up#and then the confrontation happens and shes literally in shambles#cant think everything hurts#just barely scraping enough braincells to thank kiki inbetween enormous hiccups and sobs that shake her entire body#sees laios. slaps him. collapses into his arms sobbing and apologizing again#he cant actually understand what shes saying through the blubbering but hes doing his best to comfort her#to be perfectly honest im not 100% she even has the space to process 'i have feelings for falin' in full clarity#the 'why did seeing her kissing someone else make me feel like i wanted to die or kill someone' doesnt like... click#not until she gets over the mess of 'how could she say that to me didnt i do enough'#'didnt i love her enough does she care so little for me that she cant even bother to think about how i feel'#'does she care so little for me that she doesnt know that i would die for her i HAVE died for her and killed for her'#'how could she not know that she was nothing less than my whole reason for living for so long'#... i guess thats what shes blubbering at laios but it just comes out as like#'howcouldnbwhebwsbebwbendoesbdhemotbbwkowbblblbllvlbl'#snotting into laios's shirt#its ok. she'll be ok. like laios has to carry her back to her room because she latched on and didn't let go until she literally like#cried herself to exhaustion and passed out.#but she'll be okay. after maybe another day of moping she finally has her White Woman Moment of looking at herself in the mirror#and admitting that she's in love with falin and has been for a while
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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dude im
i think this is the first time in... as long as i can remember that life's actually going well. like sometimes life just Goes By until something bad happens or whatever... but like, ive had a lot of pretty good days in the past month ish? ive gone to two really amazing local shows recently, plus some other concerts, im seeing my favorite band next week, i might be making merch for another one of my favorite bands.... and yeah ive had shitty days and i got sick but like.. i remember those days well so the inbetween is just, that.. the in between... god idk becoming more involved in my local scene has been so fucking surreal..
#like its hasnt been great weeks back to back but#ive had really great experiences? yk#so like... those mainly stick out to me bc of my memory issues#and like.. ugh#i dont even know it just feels like things might actually start getting#fun#ever since i went to my first incubus concert i like... knew i wanted to fucking go to as many as possible#and thags coming true!#ive found so many local bands i absolutely fucking love and theyve become what i regularly listen to#which makes that so much easier#and im hoping to eventually get my license because like... i need to start drivinnt#which will make traveling easier#if i do get to sell shirt i can make money#and stickers#and just#idk im actually excited for the future for the first time in so longm#like.. i know So many people like concerts#but just like#theyve genuinely given me a reason to live#i love seeing people at shows and i love taking photos and meeting the bands and just everything about it#i met a guy whos been to two shows i have and i got his insta n like#that shows that like hey maybe i can find a group of people to go with yk?#even if its not him or whatever#i still want to try and make a movie one day but i really am considering working for bands and shit cause like#i dont want to be rich i wanna live w a couple people and travel and actually Live#as long as i can pay the bills and get gas im okay#i mean fuck im even willing to stick around my home town longer if it means that i get to do that shit yk?#idk im rambling but whatever#just like#fuck im so thankful to have found a place i genuinely enjoy and most of the time can express that pretty easily
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happy birthday to me i celebrated by looking at my favourite sequence of images in the world and crying over it at half past midnight.
#im. 24 now.#appleyaps#gonna be honest with you guys idk where the fuck my life is heading atm.#but if this manga taught me anything its that i have to keep making choices in order to achieve my own happiness.#ive been making strides... im now exclusively using the men's toilets wherever i go.#and im working on getting a professional diagnosis so i can go on hrt... but the waiting lists are so long.#i took the transfer but now it turns out i still have to wait longer... even though i was promised help quickly.#i dont know how much longer i can take this though. being uncomfortable with myself. im sick of it. i just wanna live.#theres so many things id like to do. but my body and my voice are holding me back from it.#my mom and her boyfriend know now. but my mom doesnt understand and has never referred to me as a woman as much as she does now.#at least everyone at school uses he/him for me now. i was finally assertive about it in my new class#and everyone there calls me teddie. though i'd like people to use tom for me as well. my friends do.#i just need to be even more assertive from now on. im working on it. im doing my best. i wanna live.#at least i have lots to look forward too. thats whats keeping me going honestly. and my friends.#the hope that one day i get to look in the mirror and finally see myself. i want to believe that it can happen. i need it to happen.
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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i am very grateful that im not someone that has to deal with daily seizures but it is evil when it takes like a week and a half's worth of business days to recover from a seizure
#if i had them everyday or every other day i would be so fucked 😭#id like to say they dont bother me per se but the entire week after is laying in bed after 11 pm and wondering if jts going to happen again#bc my head feels like its about to explode#and then do not get me started on the fear of getting in the shower within the first few days of one happening .#reasonably i understand that my seizures happen from 11pm to maybe 3 am on average .#but ill have a seizure and then have to hype myself up for like 2 hours just to take one 3 days later st like 2 pm#my seizures do not interfere with my day to day life in extreme ways but existing knowing that i have them during a certain time frame is#like. Hey man can you grow up#also it is really funny being told theyre probably hormonal or stress related and should 'probably stop' as i get into my mid 20s .#Well im turning 25 next month and evidently i still have seizure activity in me#also also heres a fun fact: my epilepsy does not have an actual named diagnosis they just said i certainly have a Form of it ❤️#they dont know what causes them and i have no real warning signs (bc a headache =/= potential seizure)#they dont bother me but i do have to live with the knowledge that i could have one any day now and wake up to my mom asking me questions#hope everyone can tell i have a lot of feelings about my epilepsy despite not talking about it like ever ❤️#the only thing that really bothers me is the no warning signs. ive been perfectly fine and had them. ive had massive migraines when i was#unmedicated and didnt have one. very bizarre#and ofc all my brain scans come back normal all the time so they dgaf Lol
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The crochet journey is coming along, this is supposed to be a scarf but im out of yarn as well as food so to be continued one day eventually
#personal#oh its a bad day today lads 🙃#im so huungryy FUCK#no yarn no food no will to live lately tbh i sure have been spending a lot of time sleeping#it worries me#art#crochet#skull art#skull#pattern is from karin kaufmann on ravelry#ravelry#im finally on ravelry guys look at me go ive only been into yarn crafts for 5 or 6 years now 🙄#oof i wanna die ima see if scoots moved into my island yet and then go back to sleep again#cant do literally anything else so sure lets go for yet another nap
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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)
sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.
#tw sui ideation#its honestly just been going through my head for a while#the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother#i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way#i just feel lonely i guess#and i hate it#it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly#and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents#but i just can’t do this anymore#i’m going through a lot rn#between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family#it’s all just a lot rn#and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it#i hate having dark thoughts like this#i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents#i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit#I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS#that pisses me off so bad#i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good#atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore#it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living#there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp#i just need a friend#i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up#i’m scared#i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this#i have a good life#i’m just being a brat#i dunno
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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sometimes researching for avatar redesigns has you 6 layers deep into the Japan's Meiji era allies wiki
#im trying to mess with some of the stuff that feels weird about the ways the fire nation is depicted idk#like i do not feel optically it is good for like them to be so heavily based on japan's imperialist actions#while dressed in clothes that come from places japan colonized#but i dont want it to just be solely japanese though i did draw zuko and azula in hakama but its largely cause i wanted to draw hakama#and like the only place with strong japanese influence being kiyoshi island and my own frustration with the modern day samurai depiction#i think fundamentally it isnt a choice that had as much thought as i am putting in put into it but it does raise an eyebrow for me#anyway i think keeping the thai influence is fine despite the brief invasion japan had into thailand due to thailand then allying with japa#and further allying with the axis due to allying with japan#ugh and ive been told not to think this much about it because its fiction but its also fiction so so so heavily based on real places#and when you base fiction on real cultures you fall into some unintentional pitfalls#i also fucking hate the royal fire nation robes they look so meh and the most costumey out of everything in the show#they look like heavy blankets despite being a supposedly hot nation#theres ways to have heavy robes (heian era japan) but they look like i make them out of fleece and velvet blankets#back to kiyoshi island i think the really only aesthetically japanese reference in the show being an island of noble warriors is lame#plus over done#it feels like nowadays theres a lot of people who get all whiney about people saying fire nation is based off japan#but like dude the creators in the comics and korra like go even more into the japanese influence and clearly it was the original intentions#also i do think you could do some pretty interesting world building by having say there be an older cultural influence on kiyoshi island#from the fire nation especially if the place is established as a central port area then you tie in some okinawan or even hawaiian reference#and gives an explanation that makes sense to why kiyoshi stands out from the rest of the earth kingdom you have long term cultural trading#and it establishes interesting relationships even pre kiyoshi time thereby drawing back onto some real historic references#cause for awhile ryukyu china and japan used to be this trading triangle which could explain some of these various influences going on#i think you can get a really interesting harmony when you create the fire nation out of a mix of japan and thailand#i mean both have these floating buildings due to living on some pretty wet lands and theres harmony in that mix#god i did see one person go like “fire nation is more based on china because theres a lot of red and red is important in china”#my brother in christ red is also important in japan#red is important in like many many asian cultures#i mean of course a lot of that importance stems from china and cultural exchange with china but idk kinda silly to say with your whole ches#like if you want to bring china in then the dragons are the biggest thing like sure some mythos has dragons in japan#but a lot of those comes from china in some way
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Guess who might have 🎶whooping cough🎶
#its me and many other people at the summer camp i work at#today i took the morning off because ive been ill for a few weeks#i think the first week was a different illness than the one i currently have tho#i assumed it was what we call 'camp crud' because youre bound to get sick when youre around grimy kids#and living in close quarters with others and not getting enough sleep#but yesterday i felt like shit all day to the point of not being able to stand. so today i took the morning off#just to try and recover a bit. but at lunch my program director came in and said im going to the clinic later#and asked me who else ive noticed is sick#hes making a list because apparently a camper has fucking whooping cough. and its lookng like others might too#i told my sibling i might have whooping cough and they said#'seriously?! are you a street urchin from 1600s Europe?'#which is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me lol. im already on the brink of death and they just kicked me over#im desperately hoping its just crud and not whooping cough#because i have the opportunity to work the zip line this weekend for visiting alumni. with the woman i have feelings for#altogether its going to be a great time so im really hoping i can go. but i obv cant if i have whooping cough#anyway im gonna go back to napping bcuz thats all ive been doing today. that and coughing#if you pray then maybe add me into your prayers today. maybe manifest my health. ive been sick for weeks and i want it to be over
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I think making sweeping generalizations of specific traits being considered "ugly" is not great the same way i think its rude and unnecessary to call others ugly, i also think its worthwhile to acknowledge that certain traits ARE considered "Ugly" due to societal beauty standards, that doesn't make them ACTUALLY ugly, bc beauty is subjective anyway, and can be found Anywhere, and even someone who seems to tick every single box of societal beauty Ideals will almost certainly have at least one trait or feature about their appearance that they are insecure about or feel is "ugly", bc even within the constraints of conventional attractiveness theres subjectivity
also this fish was so fucking Ugly and i adored it so much. i miss him.
he was also gorgeous.
#toy txt post#toy pic post#he passed in like. man. i want to say 2019? his name was Gus. he was a pink kissing gourami#the thing about albino fish is that they always look a little bit sickly and concerning. his head always seemed a little big for his body#like he was really old. when i got him he looked so bad cos he had wounds all over him from dads fish that got infected and the dude#straight up looked like a zombie. every day id wake up and prepare myself to find him dead. but he recovered and never went back in w the#fish that injured him. his face was hideous. he looked pale and sickly. his head was a little too big like he was super old#his scales were iridescent and pretty and shimmery. he had no concept of giving a shit about me finding him beautiful or not. not even on#his mind. simply not something he would think about. now. im sure he'd have some sort of beauty standard to hold himself to for mating if#that had been an option for him. but it wouldnt be the same. idk. i just. i love the idea. of animals that are not traditionally cute or#beautiful or charismatic and the fact that they do not give a single fucking shit what we think of the way they look. BOTH ways. a#a butterfly does not give a single thought tohow beautiful or inspiring you find the colors of its wings. the wolf fish does not care that#humans find it hideous and terrifying. it just looks the way that it does. its fine. its vibing. it just wants to live and survive and get#enough food. yes beauty is everywhere but so is ugly. and there is beauty in ugly. to me. there is beauty in not even thinking about#standards to be conformed to or not. the beauty is irrelevant. its not For You. it doesnt Matter. its just Existing. if you like how it#looks while it exists? great! good for you. if you dont? okay cry about it i guess. this ugly ass fish doesnt give a shit if humans find it#beautiful or not. he was just going to continue to use his lips covered in teeth to scrape biofilm and algae off the surface of rocks and#driftwood and play in the current of the filter.#let girls be ugly the way marine iguanas dont give a shit if humans find them pretty cos theyre just sunning themselves and eating seaweed#off rocks. all humans are beautiful. all humans are ugly. it doesnt matter. let us go dive into the ocean and scrape seaweed off the rocks#and then bask in the sun on a warm rock and not fucking worry about that#anyway also Yes ive seen uglier fish than him.i know they exist. but he was also special cos he was My Fish u see
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