#theres so many things id like to do. but my body and my voice are holding me back from it.

[applescabs]

happy birthday to me i celebrated by looking at my favourite sequence of images in the world and crying over it at half past midnight.

[cpunkwitch]

dont force yourself to be palatable for others. dont force yourself to water things down and mask for other peoples comfort

if they cant handle you for who you are as you are they arent worth your time, theres so many other things you could be doing with your time instead of wasting it on people who cant "digest" how you are.

that goes for disabilities, neurodivergences and lgbtq things.

"you cant use neopronouns or xenogenders, youre why terfs think us trans folk are a joke." no, they dont care they hate us either way, changing my identity for them to like me is not how we win.

"cant you just not do that, leave your aid at home and be normal like us?" we are normal, using an aid is normal, youre the one being weird about it.

"can you keep quiet/talk more/sit still?" i do what my body asks of me, what i am comfortable with for my body and myself, not for you.

dont let anyone dictate you. no one has a say on your behaviours, your identity, what things you use but you. its your body, your self, your voice, your will. you arent for them, you are for you.

[ID: banner reading "This blog is protected by the De Rolo family and co." in all caps. It has an orange cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms and on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina]

[fictionfixations]

2.7

i woke up at 3 am and forgot the update was out but then i was looking at my discord notifs and someone posted a pic of them summoning sunday

id also looked at my youtube notifs and theres alreayd someone posting videos about 2.7. i only got a glimpse of the word 'tingyun' but oh my god i need to just. not interact with anything when an update has just gone out. like i mean the summoning sunday thing isnt bad but oh man i dont wanna know spoilers. but the channel who immediately posts scenes like that does like videos of the entirety of quests which is helpful (especially of genshin since i dont have the space for genshin anymore)

wooo.

am i tripping or did tingyuns voice change???? im doing like the trials

is that a different va? i thought it was something like laci(?) and it definitely sounds different too. and i mean there is that fugue's VA was different from tingyuns. um. ?????

Please don't speculate or send any hate towards the VAs, we don't know what happened just that it did.

was so confused on why argenti was there and then i realized that like the ppl who can visit the express can also be in the other cars now. huh.

DAN HENG?? WHERES YOUR VOICELINE?? DUDE is this the glitch for argenti but on dan heng now?? WHAT??

HIMEKOS VOICE IS GONE TOO IM GOING TO CRY

SUNDAY POVV.. ah fuck get me out of this i forgot to set it to not mute when i set it to background

do they really not recognize him ?? at least put on your hood man. give me some plausible deniability.

oh wait no they mightve.

...sunday what in the mindfuckery is this??? i thought you let go of both the order and harmony's blessings or something wtf

CRYING HES CALLED WORKDAY

"No consumption of food other than burgers, especially ice cream" well whoops ive done that my bad. also SUNDAY YOU MADE THAT RULE????? (he said he did it so that people would wait in line in an orderly manner instead of shoving and jostling things around)

WHAT THE FUCK

did i just get teleported back?

WHAT what is this weird effect on the screen right before?? idk how to describe it

trying to remember if everyone can do tuning

"so... can i take it that rules are meant to be broken now?"

HELL YEAHHH let me get my baseball bat out real quick

the. the trashbag turned gold?!?!?

what???

YOU CAN BREAK YOUR HALO? i mean ok well you can break a lot of things idk why im surprised by that. speaking of where is his halo???? you can put it away???? HOW

what is this magic that plays when we're tuning it sounds like horror?

or am i hearing things wtf

WELT JUMPSCARE

OH thats what he looks like to them? yeah ok thats fair

is this about the train hitting his boss

LETS GOOO

huh.

this is so weird. we dont realize its sunday (hes not in his usual appearance) and its a different voice coming from him

WHAT IS THAT

oh shes in her new outfit now

why did this turn into horror all of a sudden

i dont recognize the voice but also tingyun got a new va so im still getting used to it and i cant tell if its her

i need to stop taking so many images or ill hit the image limit too early so

"These are wounds left by the Destruction. They have taken root within your body and cannot be removed."

whats on your neck?

oh the voice is ruan mei

"You were attacked by a Lord Ravager. By all rights, you should not have survived." "But someone didn't agree with that assessment, and it just so happens I was able to fulfil his request." ... "With this, the debt between the traveling merchant and me is clear."

she gave us a dream bubble of if she was there instead

HDWAIUHDU

oh god sundays going to talk to robin but without letting her know that hes sunday

dude

i

WHERES ROBINS VOICE??

WHAT

WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE MISSING THEIR VOICE !?!??!?!

in the background is that meant to be there or is that like a puzzle i forgot to solve or something

oh okay i think its intentional

"It's someone who experienced failure recently and is about to embark on a long journey." ... "But he's different. He's stronger than most ordinary people, but because of it, people have this misconception: They think that when he falls, he will stand back up faster than anyone else." ... "It's not. Because before he stands up again, he will hesitate and agonize for ages over whether that is the right course of action." ... "You may be right, but I still hope that he'll never change." ... "Because I have faith in the person I remember him to be." "He may have taken the wrong approach when he failed, but I don't think he had the wrong intentions. We once stood together at the same starting line, but now it's his turn to fly for the stars. I believe he'll find the right path, even if he has to do it alone." "We don't have to soar into the sky together." "Because I know we'll reunite one day, up there in the clouds."

That painting feels like a blessing, and also seems to mirror someone's resolve: Even when the broken wings no longer belong to the sky, the direction in which they fall will still be towards the stars-

"But as long as you continue to gaze upon them from here-" "Then those unfamiliar stars will one day be the place for our reunion."

is this like a Had I Not Seen the Sun instrumental?

this would have so much more feeling IF ROBIN COULD SPEAKKKK

also ah so she did recognize him

..welt..

wonweek turned into past sunday???

also we still dont know where his thorns came from which was a thing i was really curious about but unless i missed it i dont think it was really explained in the myriad celestia trailer for him

"The halo above your head that symbolizes the Harmony - it's been missing since the moment we reunited."

his playable character has it tho. is this like a furina/wanderer situation where they dont have their vision in story yet but they do in playable so you know that they're gonna get it eventually?? <<me who had pulled for both of them before playing either wanderer's like interlude thingy(? i think it was an interlude) or furinas story quest LMFAO

"While I was in the Gallery of Thoughts, at the entrance of the dream, I chose to completely sever the halo from myself." ... "Another reason is to feel pain... A pain like falling from the sky with broken wings that can keep me awake." "This is how I can cast aside all the blessings of the Harmony and the Order and, for the first time in my life, enter the sweet dream as an ordinary person."

oh wonweek/past sunday?? came to be because of the same way tingyun was split into different parts of herself. a try not to laugh challenge where this person like gave them candy which wouldve made them laugh and stuff but instead did this

i took a screenshot of sundays explanation from that moment

sunday admits he doesnt like himself??? or well of 'wonweek'

gives me same vibes as aventurine talking to himself

...."Did you lose your mind after being run over by the Express"

ITS CANON im i dont know what i expected no duh it was a dream so stuff like that can happen but HFIAUHWDUIAH

sunday i hate your boss fight so much

maybe this is a little overkill i just wanted to see her with the halo

NOT SUNDAY PUTTING SUNDAY TO SLEEP (yknow that debuff that makes a character unable to take action)

he killed robin 💀

BRUH STOP RESETTING YOUR SHIELD IM I CANT BREAK IT DOWN FAST ENOUGH

ive been sat in this stupid boss fight with nothing happening for so long because i cant get the shield down at all dude

whatever. im. gonna die here and choose an easier difficulty. if thats not available ill at least have robin alive

theres his halo again

why no trailblazer voice :(

what happens if we dont accept him into the astral express?

"Well, you did get nerfed after turning into a good guy..." MARCH--

also herta sneak peek and thats the end

[geodetojoy]

hihihihi o/

rng selected questions for the “weird asks” post! and i proof read them this time lmao

92, 25, 88, 28, 78

idk what’s with all the eights but *shrugs*

have fun love you lux!!

yello!!! ty for the ask hehe <333

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight, or fairy lights?

Huge fan of fairy lights, but i love me some natural light too! other two are STRONG hates lmaooo

25. first song you remember hearing?

ok i have two kinds of answers here- ones like specifically a kids song and ones not

the kids song is the mah na mah na song that i guess after looking it up came from the muppets???? idk it was in a voice box for a stuffed monkey with velcro hands that i had as a baby lmaooo

and the first like. idk radio song? normal song? that i remember ever hearing (and memorizing!) is I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz :P my mom was/is a huge fan of his so i listened to his stuff a lot as a kid!

88. your greatest wish?

ooooooo boy theres a lot to unpack here lmaoooo

ive got a lot of stuff i wanna do ofc, like make games and art to show off to the world and to (hopefully) leave a positive impact, and id love to see/meet some of my idols and ofc meet my online friends, but my greatest wish?

man, idk, is it too cliche to say i just wanna be happy? to be safe and secure at the end of the day? (thats. thats a fucking starkid lyric dear lord LMAOOO) to not have to worry about if im gonna make it to the next day, if im gonna be able to take care of myself and those im responsible for? to not worry about anything and everything at any given moment? to love and be loved? isnt that what everyone wants?

28. five songs to describe you?

OOOO THIS ONES FUN

IT MIGHT ALSO END UP SAD IM SORRY IN ADVANCE IF IT DOES LMAOOOO

Top of my School by Katherine Lynn-Rose

ok i kept picking songs from NOAHFINNCE's GROWING UP ON THE INTERNET album but i didnt want it to clog up the answer so ill just put that whole album as one of the five :P

Body Terror Song by AJJ

several songs from The Normal Album by Will Wood (same as the other one- didnt wanna clog it up)

oh god why is it only fiveeee ive got so many more. michael in the bathroom from be more chill, sweet hibiscus tea by penelope scott, pretty little things by the crane wives, little miss perfect or ordinary, fuckin, my r by Lollia, and so many more but i think for my final answer i gotta say grocery store by Cavetown. sososo many of their songs would fit but that one specifically i think is the best

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

well. ok. heres the thing.

i like neither of those products.

BUT

the singular time ive ever enjoyed coffee was indeed from a gas station, so that one wins

THIS WAS SO FUN AS ALWAYS TYSM MADSSSS IMMA DO THE OTEHR ONE THEN HEAD TO YOUR INBOX o7

[ultra-raging-ghost]

ooooo alrighty!!! :D

📷 What’s set as your phone’s lockscreen?

I am cringe but i am free </3

🍫 Cheese or chocolate?

Chocolate!

✨ Do you have any nicknames?

I also go by Goose :D

🎵 Last song you listened to?

Baby Hotline - Jack Stauber

✏️ Have you ever written fanfiction?

Yes! Plenty

😏 Are you on discord?

Yep!! DM me if ya want it^^

 💛 Do you have any piercings?

Yes! I have snakebites, two lobe piercings in each ear, and two chest piercings. If i can im planning on getting third lobe piercings

🐰 What do you think says the most about a person?

How they treat animals and how they treat their mom

🍪 If you were a cookie, what kind would you be?

Probably a lofthouse cookie!

🐶 Are you more of a dog person or a cat person?

Definitely a dog person solely because i cant stand litter boxes, other than that i am completely equal in my love of them <3

🎧 Headphones or earbuds?

Earbuds!!

🌼 What’s the last thing you said out loud?

I just woke up, so it was probably me laughing at something last night lol

🙃 What’s a weird fact that you know?

Wandering albatross's have the largest wingspans of any bird, 11.5 feet wide all the way across >:D thats why theyre my favorite

🦉 Are you a morning person or a night owl?

Night owl for sure

🧸 Favorite place to nap?

My bed

🏳️‍🌈 Are you a member of the LGBTQIA+ community?

Yep!!

🦋 Describe yourself in three words.

Shy, absentminded, creative

👖 Jeans or sweatpants?

Jeans, ive never been into sweatpants </3

🥤 What’s your go-to Starbucks order?

Venti Mocha Frappe and a cakepop!

🧡 A color you can’t stand?

hmm.. uhh ngl idk, i like all of them :')

💎 What’s your most prized possession?

My willow tree dolls! Particularly my manger set for christmas, i got them from my mom

☕ Coffee or tea?

Coffee

🦖 Favorite extinct animal?

Brachiosaurus <3

🌙 How long have you been on tumblr?

In total uhhh i wanna say 6ish years?

🌴 Desert island item?

Pocket knife, you can do a LOT with a knfie

🐸 Describe your aesthetic.

yallternative, i try my hardest to dress like an emo cowboy

🔮 What’s your dream job?

Nothing, i dont yearn to work tbh. but realistically? Id like to be an astronomer, ive always liked stars

💙 Relationship status?

Freshly single </3

🌿 Describe your favorite outfit.

My blue jeans that fit my ass the way i like, a tshirt that hides my tits appropriately, and my cowboy hat!

🎤 Is there a song you know all the lyrics to?

theres so fucking many of those. uhhh.. if i had to pick, i know all of the lyrics to every song in tally halls discography?

🤎 What color is your hair?

Dark brown! Although when i was a baby i was blonde so all my body hair is blonde :')

💌 Do you talk to yourself?

Yeah! I have a voice in my head for my inner thoughts, i tend to talk to it and sometimes use "we" for me and said voice even though its just my inner monologue kjhvjghjbj

💄 Do you wear makeup?

Occasionally!! Not a full face bc i have freckles i dont like to cover but like eye makeup and lipgloss never hurts <3

🌸 Best compliment you ever received?

Ive been told i have GREAT posture

💞 @miscellaneoussmp @trappedinacomputer @gahd-its-ron and anyone else can join^^

~ 💖 ASK GAME 💖 ~

📷 What’s set as your phone’s lockscreen?

🍫 Cheese or chocolate?

✨ Do you have any nicknames?

🎵 Last song you listened to?

✏️ Have you ever written fanfiction?

😏 Are you on discord?

 💛 Do you have any piercings?

🐰 What do you think says the most about a person?

🍪 If you were a cookie, what kind would you be?

🐶 Are you more of a dog person or a cat person?

🎧 Headphones or earbuds?

🌼 What’s the last thing you said out loud?

🙃 What’s a weird fact that you know?

🦉 Are you a morning person or a night owl?

🧸 Favorite place to nap?

🏳️‍🌈 Are you a member of the LGBTQIA+ community?

🦋 Describe yourself in three words.

👖 Jeans or sweatpants?

🥤 What’s your go-to Starbucks order?

🧡 A color you can’t stand?

💎 What’s your most prized possession?

☕ Coffee or tea?

🦖 Favorite extinct animal?

🌙 How long have you been on tumblr?

🌴 Desert island item?

🐸 Describe your aesthetic.

🔮 What’s your dream job?

💙 Relationship status?

🌿 Describe your favorite outfit.

🎤 Is there a song you know all the lyrics to?

🤎 What color is your hair?

💌 Do you talk to yourself?

💄 Do you wear makeup?

🌸 Best compliment you ever received?

💞 @ your favorite blog.

Reblogs are appreciated!

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley

Page 147-150

JADE: are you talking to me?

JADE: because if you are i would like to remind you that i hate!! orange juice!!

JADE: well i guess i never really had a strong opinion on it before

JADE: but now i cant stand it!!

JADE: its all you drink!

JADE: its my body and i dont want orange juice!

JADE: i hate pulp, and i didnt just make that up to spite you

JADE: who wants strings in their juice?

JADE: ughhhhhhhhh

JADE: fuck you rude calliope inside my head!

JADE: from a 'characterization' standpoint, i think you are pedantic

JADE: annoying

JADE: and just a general huge drag to be around!

JADE: why dont you try being possessed by the spirit of some other version of a good friend of yours, and floated around a spaceship full of people you love

JADE: unable to affect anything or say hello to anyone!

JADE: then tell me about whiners!

JADE: sounds like a you problem

JADE: well i had to watch my boyfriend and my brother die in front of me on a tiny scaled version of a world that i shrunk for them!

JADE: and then spend the next three years talking to myself, wracked with guilt that id killed them!

JADE: youre a member of a species designed for long periods of isolation

JADE: im a human!

JADE: or at least, i started out that way

JADE: even if i had the powers of a first guardian, my brain still worked in modules of human pattern recognition!

JADE: three years is a long time for a human teenager, i dont care how many of her molecules are made of a god!

JADE: OH MY GOD STOP NARRATING!

JADE: who are you even talking to?

JADE: audience?

JADE: ugh, this is so annoying, i cant tell if youre being serious

JADE: your voice is impossible to read and i cant see your face

JADE: oh

JADE: well thanks

JADE: thats better

JADE: youre right that i am being silly, and i didnt mean to start a slap fight over who has suffered more

JADE: clearly you have been through a lot more than i could ever possibly imagine

JADE: youre the same callie who talked to me and jane when we were unconscious back in the game, right?

JADE: theres just a lot of everybody running around and i guess i havent been keeping the internal tally that i should have

JADE: but i think it is a very natural thing to be silly when you are used to being able to control your own body, but now cant

JADE: so i will stop yelling at you

JADE: but i reserve the right to start yelling again in the future if i have a good reason

JADE: ...okay?

JADE: do you actually know that?

JADE: do you actually know that im doomed to pine over dave and karkat across every iteration of reality?

JADE: like, can you actually see that?

JADE: because youre a space player, like i am.

JADE: i know that you are more powerful than me, but i dont think you can see other timelines any better than i can

JADE: so i think you are just being dramatic

JADE: for the “audience”, whatever the heck that means

JADE: heheh

JADE: i have never been particularly tamable, and my consciousness is huge!

[getris]

I've heard some people use tumblr as a way of venting or letting things out, i guess those are the same thing and i figured ill give this a try.

This will mostly be me venting to myself about things to do with my life starting with my grandad, and id like to stay anonymous so i wont mention his name.

But on may 28th 2023 i lost my grandad, so about 6 months ago now, ive delt with mental health issues for the majority of my life, idk if thats due to a cocktail of family issues, medication my mother was taking when she was pregnant with me or if theres just something not quite right in my head.

Ive delt with major trust issues, self confidence and self image issues, physical and emotional abuse from both parents and emotional abuse and manipulation from an ex partner but never in my life has anything come quite as close to the level of mind twisting torment that grief has provided; i loved my grandad dearly, out of every member of my dysfunctional family he has consistently been the only safe space, i have never once seen him get angry, swear or even raise his voice unless he was letting out one of his typical hearty chuckles and i think i can safely say that no matter what anyone said he couldnt get angry or judge.

That doesnt mean he is incapable of being firm, he was a fair man and if you did something truly stupid or disappointing he would give you this specific look, one that is still filled with love and compassion but sadness and disappointment and he might throw in a softly spoken "dont do that" (but a little rugged from years of cigars and whiskey during his time in the army), even then his tone was reassuring and it never made you feel challenged but it always got through, i could be screaming at my mother, bright red faced and body full of adrenaline but the moment i caught that look and heard that tone it would all wash away and id feel nothing but regret for what ever was said or done, thats when you know someone is a good person, when they dont need to shout at you, push you or say harsh things, and a simple few calm words immediately diffuse the entire situation.

So naturally me and everyone else in my family were close to him, i have so many fond memories of him, like the time he had this golf cart (he loved golf) and my brother turned it on by accident and sent the thing shooting off down the street as my grandad desperately sprinted after it, or the times he would adamantly try to fix or build things on his own since hes an ex army mechanic and knew better, only to sheepishly realise hes made a mistake and go back to the instructions, he took me to a fishing tournament once and i honestly didnt care at all about the tournament but it was a lovely chance to spend one on one time with him as adults, he even bought me a cider and a beer for himself and that was the first and only chance i got to drink with him, that tournament was even broadcast on TV once so id love to go back and try to find it to see if i can spot me and my grandad in the crowd somewhere.

Theres so much more to the relationship between me and my grandad and im sure ill remember some of it and come back to write more another time, but you can imagine why it felt like my world was shook, i was at a friends house when i first got a call from my brother, he said something along the lines of my grandad had fell over and they took him to hospital, found out that it was potentially cancer but there was no certainty, i cried immediately after that call because to me my grandad was this big, unshakeable ex military man and ive seen him hurt a million times and be unbothered, so to hear that he had collapsed immediately sent waves through my body and i knew something wasnt right.

i spent another few days at my friends house and went home, at that time i was grossly behind with university work (due to mental health issues), and i had finals coming up so i had to force myself back into work, nothing but university and train times and study sessions on my mind because i had to pass, i had to... so i went to my friends house, we study better together and have similar mindsets, so it works out really well when we study and bounce ideas back and forth between each other to get the assignments done, i remember finishing a particularly gruelling study session with her one night when my brother messaged me saying he needs to tell me something but its better if i hear it in person, but i intended to stay at my friends until these assignments and exams were over so i pushed him to message me the update and thats where the regrets started.

My brother told me that my grandad was very sick, it was confirmed to be cancer and the moment i read that i felt physically sick, but my brother reassured me that my grandad was told he had a few years to live, so immediately i wasnt too hurt and i was hell bent that as soon as these exams are over im going to go visit him and once hes out of hospital ill make memories with him, drink with him if possible, anything he wanted.

But thats not how it went, i kept studying and handing in assignments and all i had left was one more exam and thats it im free for the summer and i can go see grandad, but just a day or so before the exam my brother messaged me again saying my grandads health had declined rapidly, he was told months, and then weeks left, so of course i panicked, but i had to do this exam and it was only one more day so surely everythings going to be fine and i can still go see him in the hospital and have a laugh and chat with him.

Exam day comes and i cant get it out of my mind by this point, my family told me they are visiting him that day and asked if i could come but because of visiting hours and my exam hours, i couldnt go but again i told myself "he has weeks left, i can bare one more day and visit him the moment my family goes again", so i went to university, went into that exam room and the entire time i couldnt focus, my university was in the same town that my grandad was in care, so all that was on my mind for that entire two hours was "hes only 30 minutes away, what if he passes while im in here", but the exam time passed painfully slowly but it passed regardless, after the exam i was insanely exhausted and depressed, i hung around with my friend after the exam for an hour or so and then took the train home, turns out timing is a bitch because the moment i got home my parents asked if i was still at uni because they could pick me up on their way to the hospital but i had just got home, the next train would be an hour from then so theres no way i could have visited.

Two days later i was at my mothers birthday when she informed me that my grandad didnt in fact have weeks, he had days left at most and they were going to see him the next day and theres no way im missing anymore chances, so the day comes that we get to go see him, but again something really did not feel right, we got in the car and only a few minutes after picking up my grandmother my aunt (who was at the hospital) said to come quick because he was choking on his own tongue at that point and they expect him to be gone any minute.

Thats the beginning of the heartbreak, seeing my own grandmother in the car talking out loud "just wait (his name) just wait a bit longer please", she was a lot like him, always innocent, always smiling and there she was begging to herself in the car crying, hoping he can just hold on a bit longer for her to be at his side.

We get to the hospital, i watched my nan walk as fast as she could, in pain to get to that room, the moment i walked in it felt like my entire world had ended in that instant, he was no longer my grandad, seeing him in that state felt like my heart had just been ripped out through my chest; he was pale, hairless, almost no muscle left on his body, his skin was a different colour, you could see his heart beating through his chest because his rib cage had twisted and changed shape, he had his eyes and mouth half open and all you could hear was struggled breaths, occasionally interrupted by a weak cough or the sound of him choking on his own tongue, his spine had broken in multiple areas from coughing, thats how frail his body had become.

It was painful, he was clearly suffering and i went through whirlwinds of anger, sadness, anger, sadness... Sad and heart broken seeing such a strong pillar of my world laying there struggling to even exist, and anger that he was allowed to stay in this state, nurses coming in to inject him or feed him medication that would only serve to keep him in this state for a little bit longer, i felt like he was being tortured in the most inhumane way for hours, he couldnt see or hear or speak by that point, just breathe and exist in pain.

Thats when family started talking, gossiping about his state and things he had done during his stay which further broke my heart, remember earlier when i said he had never sworn, never raised his voice and was effectively this gentle giant? Well i overheard my aunt, mother and grandmother talking about how he had been in such pain that he had started threatening the nurses, swearing at and insulting everyone within eyesight, begging both nurses and family to either kill him or take him somewhere where he could do it on his own terms, just typing that out brings a painful lump to my throat because to change such a gentle, loving man into that state must have meant either he was already suffering immensely, or he knew exactly bad it was going to get, it was shock after shock, emotional whiplash.

I stayed in that room for as long as i could which turned out to be 5 hours and 24 minutes, i couldnt bare a moment longer before i stood next to his bed and said my goodbyes, seeing a person you care so deeply about in such a state of suffering, staying in that room for those 5 hours had physically exhausted me, its not that i was just tired of being in the hospital, but i dont think i could have processed another second of that day without rest, so the second i got to my house i passed out in my bed, two hours later my phone was ringing and it was my brother, grandad was gone.

[ventingoutmyass]

4.25.23

ill die one day. probably soon. please, if youre reading this, let my friends know.

i worry for them worrying for me. they need to know i care for them, no matter how little it seems. i care for them greatly. such different experiences, far away places from eachother, far away stories and lives outside our little bubble together. theres so much beauty in them, so much love and light i see in them, that we all see in eachother. 

tell them im sorry. sorry for it all. 

they were the last little bit of life i allowed myself, meeting them just after my biggest dip so far. human connection, such a great necessity, and they were the exception i made to my big rule. not on purpose, but it just happened that way, the way they grew on me, i clung to them many times before i allowed the twig to snap, those days back in october. i stopped talking to them, like i hadnt so every free moment and opportunity until that point. i let my head do the thing, the test, the “will they notice if i disappear”. i knew it was a mistake even as i made it, yet i allowed myself to get carried away into it. three weeks, it took. at the time it shocked me that it took so long. now i wonder how many months after my disappearance it would take until somebody once again asked the question. “Has anybody heard from them?”, and the simultaneous triple message from the other three. it would take months only of my own fault, vanishing often weeks at a time. its my fault. it always is, with issues such as these. 

tell them there was nothing to be done. tell them of how i cared for them. tell them of the screenshots of my favorite jokes, of the open tabs i keep of their stories, of the silent admiration for their passions and talents i keep to myself. oh how i respect them, oh how i cherish them. how i loved the feeling of meeting people, for the first time, who made me feel i could belong. the stories of the people i hold so dearly who i wouldnt meet for many years, if ever at all. 

the people whom ive read, whove never read me. maybe they could read me in this, i allow that. provide them this resource. allow them to find the bits and pieces of who they might know, in these short essays here and there. of the time or two which ive mentioned them. in the detail or two of who i am and the life ive lived, of the person i wished i had been, in the place id wished to leave. they know my real name. not the one picked for me, but the piece of it i chose for myself. one of them helped me to make that choice. the same person dictated its pronunciation. i had chosen against it over the years, but as soon as they spoke it the first time, it felt like mine; a gift. to cherish for the last of life i will live, for as long as i live it. that is me, and theyve all known it. they see me, perhaps in the way i wish all would. the truth ive always wanted. 

tell them i didnt mean to abandon them. tell them i would choose them over and over again in any other life, in every other body and mind than this. theyre worth it. they have names, they have lives, and faces and voices and dreams. i can not share them with you. i can not share anything. i am selfish in that. you will not know them as i do. but they will know. they know who they are. they know of me. they are the beauty i couldnt sacrifice to find for myself. 

[voidbeomgyu]

7:06AM: ive been so inactive bc classes just started again, but ive come back to release my anxiety ab this man at the bus stop. im literally in the bus rn but at the stop i was waiting and then some man ive never talked to before pulls up and starts talking to me. ((for context my class starts at 7:15am and i take the 6am bus bc the next bus is at 7am and id be late by a few right but sometimes idc ab being late cos im tired so i take the 7am bus, like today))

so ive seen this fool like mayb two times before ,i cant remember but he never talked to me until today when he walked to the stop and asked me "arent you cold?" cos all i have on rn are my sweatpants and a tshirt over a white longsleeve cos my first class is a body conditioning class im gonna warm tf up right. but i was like "uh aha a little" and he laughed or whatever and then just kept talking like bro im literally trying to text my "more than friends" friend rn leave me alone. he asked if im going to school rn and BRUH MEN MAKE ME BLANK OUT LIKE MY MOUTH GOES ON AUTO PILOT SO MY DUMBASS SAID YES.

ive had some not good at all experiences with men and boys around my age before so idk, ig over time my axiety just got worse? anyway he was like "college? [state] state?" and i omg i was like "no just college ahah" and the nearest one is like the ONLY ONE SO HE CONNECTED THE DOTS TO WHICH SCHOOL I GO TO OBV. i even told him my name bc im DUMB. but like im wearing my bracelets rn right (i make and wear kandi ((pony bead bracelets))) and the one on my wrist has my name on it and so does the phone charm thing i made. so i like noticed him eyeing it and was like FUCK I CANT EVEN LIE ARRGRGRHHR COS LIKE I COULD SAY IT WAS A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER NAME RIGHT BUT WHY WOULD I HAVE MY PHONE CHARM SAY SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME RIGHT GRRRARRGGRGSGR

after he would finish a thought id turn to look forward to the road again and look down at my phone to text my friend right so it would be silent for like 2 second and then BOOM HE STARTS TALKING AB HOW HE GOT HIS LISENCE SUSPENDED FOR THREE YEARS BC HE KEPT BREAKING THE LAW AND GETTING TICKETS IM LOSING MY MIND WHY WOULD I NEED TO KNOW THIS??!??? he was like yea thats why im taking the bus now and have to wake up so early and im sitting there like 😀👍

i had my mask on bc paranoia yardy kno (tmi i have the covid vaccine and two boosters and i still got sick but i didnt die so cool it did what it was supposed to ((tmi tmi my body is so weak when i was in 5th grade i almost died from an infection spreading up my arm to my heart from a PLAYGROUND WOODCHIP SPLINTER IN MY FINGER...))) so like i wear masks bc i dont wanna get sick by ANYTHING EVEN JUST A COLD OR SOMETHING IDC IDC im happy for that tho cos 1. man does not know what my face looks like and 2. face warm

OKAY ANYWAYS when he found out my name he paused for a second and asked who my dad was and i was like ...what so he said something like his ex's brother had a daughter named [MY NAME BRUH] and i was like 😀👍 aaahawggagwggs so he thought i was her or something. i was like oh okay haha and then turned back around like ive been doing to try and end the conversation right, but like we are waiting at the bus stop yk so theres gonna be cars that pass by and its gonna get loud especially rn everyone is going to work. but since it was loud ig i didnt hear him?? cos suddenly his voice is like way louder than before right so i turn and hes like A FOOT AWAY FROM MY FACE IM AARGRHEGR WHY. he said his name i forgot what it was i wasnt paying attention cos i was like 😦 but it think it was michael, so michael if u ever see this ur weird.

anyway then he said something like "you know what's cool?" and bruh i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. why? idk but that sounds so ????? like scary ???? but i was like "uh sure" and then he went on this tangent about being in the navy and that he got to travel the world like three? idk how many times but he was telling me wheres hes been like naming the countries right

i was just sitting there being my polite little self bc i was raised to no matter what respect when someone is speaking to you in a conversation even if u dont wanna be there. like for when someone older than you is speaking to you i mean and this guy was OOOOOLDER THAN ME faded brown hair covered in grey, brown grey fluffy stash, he looked like maybe early-mid fifties but could pass for being like 70 im being so fr. anyway yea im being polite even tho im like so uncomfortable bc thats just what i do idk😭 it was def obv how uncomfortable i was tho i was fidgeting SO much like shaking both my legs, picking at the skin around my fingers, and trying to end the conversation multiple times. but he just kept going😭

but after that whole idk how long tangent ab navy stuff he suddenly asked (after i turned around to stop talking to him ofc) how old i was like "how old are you if you dont mind me asking?" and so i was like scared but also kinda relieved cos i get comments a lot about how much younger AND how much older i look bc ig i just present myself more mature??? even tho my style and stuff isnt like super mature or anything ppl ive talked to like teachers/parents/classmates who are older than me, like mid twenties to late thirties tell me that they thought i was so much older when im actually like a baby. its only ppl my age that say i look younger right, so i was like oh maybe he thinks im like way older or something?? like im wearing a backpack and a little tote with stuff so it looks like im going to school, but he asked if im attending college or a four year uni meaning he thought i was a little older (or at least he just didnt mention a thought of me being in high school? mayb cos im taking the public bus and not a school bus idk). i said the truth bc I HAD HOPE IDK BRUH LIKE IKKKK I RLLY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY HOPES BC A MAN IS A MAN AND IF U GET WEIRD VIBES THEN THEY ARE PROB VERY MUCH CORRECT BUT IDK😭😭😭

anyway i told him like yea im 18 and when i tell you his face lit up like LIT UP. i was gonna be sick like why are you smiling so hard at me being so young like he was giddy ab it too like STOPPPP. he was like "woww getting your education earlyyy thats awesome" and tbh idk how to take comments like that bc idk hs at least in my state is like "go to college or university immediately after highschool" and during senior year we have stands up to help us apply for schools and stuff so i dont rly see me being 18 at college early or anything so i just sat there like "😀👍 thanks" IM USING THAT EMOJI COMBO A LOT BUT DAWG ISTG THAT WAS LITERALLY ME THE WHOLE DAMN TIME IM SO FR

i was thinking to myself like WHY IS THIS BUS TAKING SO DAMN LONG PLEASEEEE😭😭😭😭😭 but it arrived eventually and he got on first and sat allllll the way at the back. i always sit near the front bc its just easier ig idk but i was like so relieved bruh while i was sitting there listening to him i was thinking like oh my god P L E A S E do not sit next to me to keep our conversation going i want to sit in silence and be CALM. IM LITERALLY A BROKE COLLEGE DANCE MAJOR STUDENT IM SO PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TIRED AND I CANT EVEN DRIVE SO IM TAKING THE PUBLIC BUS AT 6AM EVERY MORNING SO I WAKE UP AT 4:30AM TO GO TO MY 7:15AM BODY CONDITIONING CLASS.

maybe i am overreacting and it was one of those things thats like a fatherly kind of thing. like how sometimes you might meet a nice man who works at a shop and you see him as like a father figure of sorts yk. but like i really REALLY was not getting that vibe. like at some points i was 'like yea cool okay mayb im wrong and ur just a wise man talking life to a kid you met at the bus stop', but then he'd just keep talking. and yk how theres like a line of where something is like too much to say right. like its a common sense thing to know when you're a GROWN person and you first meet someone who is damn younger than you and could pass as a minor, you dont ask like where they live what highschool they went to, (i forgot to mention but yea he asked me that) or dump a bunch of your life on them. like he told me what highschool he went to, what elementary school he went to, what state it was in, and how he was born and raised there, where he used to work, how he had a motercycle and went 160mph coming off the freeway like an idiot, what car i should get when i decide to start drive instead of taking the bus, how cute it is that my name is so similar to a brand (like a one letter difference so he noticed it right away and was like "ohh thats so cool, you're so unique thats cute"), and that whole ex's brother thing was weird too like idk i feel like you wouldnt ask "who's your dad?" but rather ask like "does [name] happen to be your father?" or something yk. NOT TO MENTION THE LISENCE SUSPENDED FOR THREE YEARS NOW ONE YEAR LEFT THING TOO LIKE 😭 OKAY WHY WOULD YOU TELL ANYONE YOU JUST MET AB THAT😭😭😭

anyway yea i just didnt get the friendly older man you see in those heart touching movies kinda vibe. more like grown man finds a young girl sitting alone at the bus stop and dumps his life story on her to hopefully rush into some sort of relationship with her kinda vibe. (like those situations ((a lot of the time in fiction lol)) where you meet someone for the first time at a bar or something and you talk the whole damn night and either go home knowing everything ab eachother and planning on meeting again or having fucked in the backseat of one of your cars kinda rush i mean) IDK MAN it was like a scary unsettling kinda vibe yk. it was obv he had so much more he wanted to say bc he was like ig stopping himself?? idk how to elaborate on that but when the bus finally arrived he sighed like "aw the bus is here" so i feel like he wanted to talk with me more.

TL;DR im never taking the 7AM bus instead of the 6AM bus again because of a man i met on a cold wednesday morning 😀👍 happy day everyone

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/20/2023

I usually do my morning pages after my meditation and prayers, but today  the voices in my head are so loud that i wanna let them talk. Theres a part of me thats starting to worry, just like 1%, that im undiagnosed and should be seeking some kind of mental health help. And i do have a therapist, but id ont have the money right now to pay for an appointment. I feel very much ungrounded and in my head. Maybe this is why meditation is so important. It allows me to connect with my body and not be swimming with all the thoughts inside of me. I really feel very cerebral right now. It could also be that i dont have cannabis. I do have canna bis but in edible form, i wonder what it would be like to take an edible before my meditation and prayers.

Its a nice day today. Im thinking about taking an edible and going to my meditation and prayers at the beach. Or maybe i’ll do my meditation and prayers at home and then just go for a walk. It si friday today, so i’d like to make sure that i’m not on the roads by 3 pm today. I dont wanna be in any traffic. 

I can feel so many thoughts swimming around in my head that i cant really land on just one. The one thats coming forward is this version of myself that wants to do things and be productive, whose value is placed in her ability to show accomplishments. But theres another one holding her hand. It the part of me that knows that in the grand scheme of things the accomplishments and productivity are not definitions of the value I have as a person. I was gonna type that they dont matter, but in a way they do. I want to feel productive and accomplished in certain areas of my life because it helps me feel better and brings me closer to a version of myself that is able to enjoy life more fully. 

I think about all the different things im into right now. Pole, tarot, comedy. I feel like there’s something there that wants to be integrated all together. I keep getting this inkling that i need to mix my comedy and psychic abilities. Maybe i just need to try things and let them grow. I’m grateful I can be weird and do things people dont expect. I know in my heart that i’m doing something that no one else has done before. I know i\that i am a connection to this divine creation and its speaking through me. Maybe i need to do less manipulation and more surrender. Ahhhh the surrender part is always scary for me. I have a hard time trusting. Trusting myself, trusting the universe. I wonder what can help me with these trust issues.

I’m also noticing now the part of me that feels tired. It feels drained and wants more sleep. I went to be around 1:30 and woke up at 8. Thats 7 hrs. Maybe i need more. The feeling i have now is the same sleepy feelings i get in some of my lucid dreams. When im moving around in my dream but still feel so tired. I think that means theres n=more subconmcious rest and healing that needs to be tended to. 

Im nto sire what i’m tying now but i’m just letting myself types. Idk. i enjoy typing and writing. I think i have some interesting shit to say. Like, i’d buy my own album. Maybe thats why no one is about my shit. Am i even about my shit. I am. I’m really about me. I stand for me and i’d go to bat for me. I see me and i have so much more compassionf or myself now than i did before. I see the ways i am doing my goddamn best and i am proud of the work i’m doing. I’m grateful to have amazing people in my life to point that all out to me. I’m grateful to be able to be myself in my fullest expression, whatever that means. I get to be exactly who i am now. What a privilege. I get tp be authentic and real and honest with myself and with others. If i’m not sure or if i dont know i wont lie or i wont tell stpories to seem more interesting. If i catch myself starting to embellish i’;ll stop and take a beat and think, is this a real thing i want to share or do i just wanna amke myself seem more whatever in order for people to like me

I liek being liked. Its the validation for me. I need to remind myself that i am valued for my aiuthticity and honesty. I am valued for my honesty and realness. Thats what i like about myself. I want to become softer. I wnat to be less aggressive and be softer and more patient and loving with myself and others. Allow myself to be imperfect. Allow myself to be. Even when writing this i wanna go back and edit it. Fix all the grammar mistakes and mispellings. But i’m trying not to. I wanna let this just be. Just let the mistakes happen. Feel the crunchiness in all of it. See where i can be more present and more grounded in this experiment we call life. 

To be honest, thirty years feels liek a lot and a little at the same thing. Like when you think about it, for the first like 2 to 4 years youre not even conscious. Like, there are no memories at all. And from 4 - 10 youre still trying to get all the social and motor skills to be a basic human being. And then from 11-25 youre body is changing and growing and you have all these hormones and things are constantly and quickly shifting. And then your late 20’s hit an dyoure finally waking up to what being a human adult is and feels like. So you hit your thirties and its liek youre a toddler again. Especially in a spiritual and emotional sense, i feel like i’m just getting the hang of this shit. 

I keep hearing from my older firends that 40 is much more fulfilling and enjoyable than your 30’s. And that how i feel about my 30’s compared to my 20’s. And maybe thats just because i have people in my life who live very intentionally. I think its time for me to start living inteltionally. I intend to live a healing life filled with growth and expansion. I intend to live a life where integration and compassion are the foundation of my relationship with myself and others. I intend to live a life that facilitates joy and creativity. When i types the growth and expansion thing, i felt something inside of me. I felt a part of me thats scared of expansion. Thats scared to take on responsibility. That doesnt trust myself to treat this new things with intentionality and care. Maybe its the growth and expansion i dont need right now. Maybe i intend to live a healing life filled with compassiona nd joy. That feel really good. An di think the growth and expansion is a side effect of the compassion.

I’ve been using these words a lot, especially compassion. Simply because i never really felt that from myself. I could see how other people were compassionate with me, but i was still in the oppressed and oppressor mode within myself. Any part of me that feels oppressed will be embraced with love and care. Any part of me that wants to fight and be aggressive will be embraced with love and care. I am grateful these parts of me are here. The oppressed part deeply empathizes with the pain in the world and inspired grounded me to make choices where i can shift away from those cycles and instead place more love and healing into the world. The aggressive part of me sees the important of standing in my truth and not feeding back into the negative cycles. I forgive the parts of me that fed into the cycles. I forgive the parts of other that feed into the cycles. We are all coping. 

It hurts when i choose to be compassionate and i meet with someone who is in their aggression. I can empathize with the aggression, but choos enot to act on it. I would usually act on it. I still do have some repressed anger that has difficulty coming forward. Or maybe i’m just not really an angry person. When i am honest and authentic and i speak my truth and i have people around me who can hold space and validate my feelings, the aggression is able to be massaged out, rather than exploding like it did in the past. I am ashamed that that happened but i have so miucih love for those parts of me that didnt know any better.

Now i know better. Now i know my body is truly in charge. My nervous system hold the key to lots of these mysteries about myself. I wanna grab that book, the body keeps the score. I can fele the tension around my neck and body. I think there is guilt that is still stored there. I can feel the energy reserves around my stomach and neck. Its like my body developed these storage units to safe the energy for when i truly need it, and maybe it now. Maybe now is the time i truly need to start transmuting the energy in my stomach into something else. 

Im looking forward to my meditation and prayers now. Im gonna do them at home cause its so comfy in my bed right now. What am I transmuting? That will be the question. And i wonder if i need to be conscious of the transmuting. Will my body do it by myuselkf and iu need to just give it rest, care, and compassion. My body heals itself, i am the facilitator. How do i facilitate this healing? What space do i need? What food do i need? What do i need to provide myself to facilitate the healing. I just need to be present for myself and be present for my experience. What i am feeling and what i am going through is real and valid and i understand that i cannot force or change the path i’m on. That is unsustainable. I am the one to bring ease and joy into the work that my body knows it needs to do. I am grateful to know myself in this way. I want my body to be strong and healthy so we can keep facilitation for ourselves and in the future, for others.

[yeahiwasintheshit]

watched that movie, Men, that came out this year, by alex garland and man, it was a wild crazy movie. its definitely a movie that will keep you captivated, esp the last third when it really goes off the rails.

tho the early parts of the move has those lulls in it where not much is going on and you can find your mind sort of wandering off, but then you really find yourself engrossed in whats happening. i was def literally on the edge of my seat for many scenes, cause alex garland really expertly crafted this icky sense of foreboding and dread. you are experiencing all these weird little creepy moments with the main character, harper, played by jessie buckley, who is really great.

i dont really want to say much about the plot in case it ruins it for anyone, eventho the plot is fairly simple, but essentially its about a woman whos gone thru a tragic experience, which still haunts her, and either as a result of that tragedy or not, she decides to rent an old old house in the english countryside, where... really creepy things start happening to her. i think id categorize this as a horror movie, but theres so much more to it than just one kind of genre. it is without a doubt a hair raiser. the hair literally stood on end for me in quite a few scenes in the early part of the movie where the threat was just starting to build.

its shot so so beautifully. garland gives the idyllic english landscapes this really creepy vibe. i noticed, more so at the beginning, (i didnt notice towards the end) that he shot a lot of scenes with a vignette on the lens, so many of those scenes at the beginning, esp along the abandoned train track and tunnel have this unnerving sense that you are watching the main character, harper, thru the eyes of whatever the threat is. kind of, pov of the serial killer a little. at least thats how it felt to me.

technically, this is so so good. from lighting to editing to even the depth of field it all helps build this claustrophobic feel to many scenes. garland even uses a couple shots that were very kubrick like. like, idk man, when you are like following a character and they are dead center in the frame and the camera is moving along behind them, it always feels creepy because of kubrick. of course the music and sound track help to build it too. its really unnerving when they use jessie buckleys voice and echo. it helps really ratchet up the tension.

man, i really want to talk about the last third because thats where it really took a wild left turn into weird body horror and its just crazy. one scene where harper finally uses the knife through the mail slot, i literally was making guttural gasps, it was gross and fantastic and weird. and thats not even the wildest part of it all lol its just so weird and crazy and gross. it was literally wtf (one minor criticism might be that all that weird shit doesnt quite seem to have a whole lot to do with all the other plot elements that preceded it... or maybe it did and i just am not smart enough to put it together. idk, either way, it wasnt enough to ruin the movie, and tbh all that crazy shit enhanced it somewhat, eventho i didnt know what the fuck was going on)

needless to say, def watch it if youre in the mood for some creepy weird gross folk-y horror. i think i have my own ideas of what garland was going for, cause like i said i def was a little unsure what was happening at the end. like i kinda thought this may all be in her head, but they make sure to show that it may not have been. that it may have all been real. idk. its all sort of left to the viewer to decide what happened, which i generally like. i dont particularly like movies that spell things out so clearly. and there is not a lot of clarity to what is and what isnt happening at the end. which im ok with.

[daaziscoolbesties]

minecraft endermen are really weird. theyre unnatural and make me feel off.

when i was a small child like seven years ago i would always play minecraft on creative mode and i made an ugly ass enderman "farm" made out of bricks. i had an enderman spawn egg and id just spam it and the enderman couldnt get out (so i thought). anyways having them in this enclosure was probably so i could feel "powerful" over them because to date theyre still the only mob in minecraft that makes me anxious. even above skeletons(which i used to have a horrible fear of (the real life ones not mc ones)) and spiders (which i still have a horrible fear of (again the real life ones not mc)). anyways the endermen just ended up completely teleporting out of the farm and i checked on my world the next day and they were all gone and i didnt appreciate it (this was the same world where my brother blew up my pets but thats a different story).

anyways back to endermen. besides the fact that i just didnt like dying and i did like building ugly structures, one of the main reasons i didnt play survival much for a while, or if i did id put it on peaceful, was because of the enderman. every time i passed one my heart would drop and if i happened to look it in the eye on accident my throat would feel like its closing up and idk why. if it sounds like im bullshitting you or not remembering correctly i swear im not because it still happens actually.

i play survival a ton more now simply because i enjoy it more, it feels like theres actually a goal to achieve, but i never really make efforts toward said goal(ya know, beating the dragon). none of my worlds are really created with the intention of beating the dragon, and therefore i dont have to worry about endermen. if i happen to be outside my house and theres one there, no worries i just wait for it to go away. it may spook me for a sec but im fine.

but recently me and my sister started a world with the sole purpose of beating the dragon. we may have cheated a little (like putting on keep inventory cause honestly we both suck at pvp and have died so many times) but its okay cause thats it. we still have to fight endermen to get pearls for the end portal. and so we were hanging out in the nether and made a little two block tall hidey hole and id stand by the front and taunt endermen to get them to come close so i could kill them without them being able to get to me and it worked really well actually. except for the fact that to get them to come near i had to get them to aggro onto me and to do that i have to look them in the eye and you know where this is going. and so i was like "it has been so long since i looked an enderman in the eye surely i cant still be scared of them" and i turn to my sister like "<sister> you stay in the hole ill get us some pearls"

so i go out and taunt the dudes and guess what bitch got the pit in their stomach from these fuckers!! thats right bestie and my throat started to close up and i started talking to my sister again but i could tell me voice was off from it and i dont know why it happens but it pisses me off. like theyre not even scary looking theyre just a bit odd. and i continue to do this and kill the endermen and it just. doesnt. stop. my throat keeps closing up and im not "in pain" or anything just inconvenienced like what the fuck dude its a bunch of fucking pixels. i dont know its weird.

and now this part is gonna sound super fuckin stupid but ever since i started watching dsmp i immediately got attached to ranboo (cc! and c!) and knowing that c!ranboo was half enderman made me really think "hm endermen arent that bad. granted i havent interacted with one in a while but still not that bad. perhaps my favorite hostile mob" because you know people get attached to characters and think dumb things. and then again ranboo's character straight up existing and also this one specific headcanon i saw that was like "endermen use telepathy to talk so when a player looks at them all their thoughts get projected into them and it hurts their brain :((" makes me feel kinda bad for aggro-ing them and killing them again even though its literally just some pixels dude. my brain is not kind to me about this stuff and its really dumb.

i dont know what about the endermen staring back at me sets off the sort of fight-or-flight that makes me unable to breathe for a second but its something. its not the fact that their jaws basically unhinge when theyre mad because the throat closing up sensation happens before that. it happens when i look at an enderman and it looks back up at me and holds my gaze. i dont know. i dont know why im worked up(even slightly) over a video game. theyre still my favorite hostile mob i think (not just because of ranboo honestly the other hostile mobs just kinda suck).

and also i like the idea of how humanoid they are. not human. humanoid. they have the basic aspects of a minecraft human- square, head, torso, legs, arms, eyes. most mc skins dont even have mouths anyways just eyes. but the endermen have these features differently than us. their eyes are unnatural, legs and arms too long, body all one color, one that can blend in, and you can only see its purple eyes staring you down from a distance. theyre basically just cryptids.

despite skeletons and even zombies looking closer to the player than the endermen, they still seem the most human-like of all of the mobs. they arent aggressive unless provoked. they dont like eye contact(socially awkward). they like picking up stuff and moving it around. theyre curious (i cant explain this one they just are, okay?). even the sounds they make are just phrases like "hey" "hello" "whats up" distorted and in reverse.

i want to know more about them.

i want to know where they came from.

why theyre found in every dimension.

why they sound like us.

i want explanations, i want to know why they scare us.

i want to know if they know.

if they know that we're like them in some way.

that some of us dont mean harm, but for others thats all they want to do to the endermen.

i saw a post once that said "what taught humans to be wary of things that look human, but arent?" i believe the phenomenon is called uncanny valley. what if in the minecraft universe, the thing that taught us that was endermen. or rather, the thing that taught the endermen that was us? because again, the endermen pose no threat to us unless theyre provoked. by one of us. the endermen try to communicate with us- "⊑⟒⊬" "⍙⊑⏃⏁⌇ ⎍⌿?"- but we kill them without reason. thats why they dont like eye contact, its been ingrained in them through evolution that eye contact with a human/player will end in death, and they dont want it to be theirs, so they attack first.

we- or rather, the first minecrafters, maybe (in the lore(?)) people before the game, taught the endermen to fear us. i mean we literally kill them, use their remains to enter their home dimension, and then kill their leader/mother. they do their best to stop us, but we can respawn and they cant. and then, some people even go as far as to make farms, having them all spawn in one place, crowded, cant teleport out- their only defense mechanism gone- and then are slaughtered for their pearls. and due to the mass of these farms there will be chests upon chests full of pearls that no one's using, i saw someone the other day ask what people do with them and someone straight up said they just burn them like god what a waste.

"but izzy, players make mob farms all the time and not just for endermen!!!1!!11! why are the endermen ones so bad why are you only talking about those1!1!1!!!1" 1) because i can, 2) this is an endermen-themed post, and 3) i dont like the other mobs. and of course im not actually mad at the players who like beating the game and making endermen farms and such, i mean thats what it is its all just a game just a bunch of code, 0's and 1's, so why does it matter why bother writing a whole post on it?

because when you look paste the game, when you read in between those ones and zeroes and discover this non-intentional lore, it can make things so much more,, interesting. this is fanfic material. hell, its probably fanart material too. its all for the content to see what the community can create i guess. or maybe i just really like talking about endermen and this has been on my mind for two days now and once i started typing i couldnt stop.

but yeah, thats my final thoughts.

we, humans, experience uncanny valley about the endermen.

but the endermen experience uncanny valley about the players.

[demareth]

Hello welcome to my TED Talk about Lil Nas X’s FUCKIN TATTOOS IN INDUSTRY BABY!!

Forgive me if anyone's done this shit but like i am losing my mind noticing new details every time i watch so im just going to compile my studies thus far of his tattoo symbolism (bear with me it’s hard to get good screengrabs of them with all the movement) 

I will def miss a few (esp as some you can only see the edges of XP), and there are some that i just dont know the significance of but hey maybe someone else will ;)

First I’d like to point out that the only tattoo he has (that we can see anyways) before going to prison is the butterfly on his neck:

in general, butterflies usually represent a change or metamorphosis.  I think butterflies are sometimes used as a symbol in the lgbt community in that way, kind of likening the butterfly emerging from its cocoon as someone coming out of the closet (at later points in the video you can see aBUNCH more butterfly tattoos on his body as well!)

they can sometimes also be used to represent femininity and purity as well as hope. butterflies also make me think of the butterfly effect ;) (how a tiny butterfly fluttering its wings could cause a hurricane 100s of miles away)  the butterfly tattoos are actually the ones that made me go holy shit symbolism first ♥

The next one I screengrabbed was the crescent moon on his shoulder:

so like the moon in general usually represents femininity but like evidently the crescent moon is like EXTRA femininity and sometimes also represents change, growth, and creativity. it can also represent cycles and the changing of tides ^-^ its also a symbol thats used in a bunch of diff religions so it can have a fewwww different meanings as a result.  im not sure if the addition of the face to the moon adds any extra layers to the symbolism other than like.. the man in the moon but im sure it does so if anyone knows that lemme know! ;)

ooo interesting two tattoos so far alluding to femininity but i digress let us continue!

I next went back to grab these two tattoos bc i wasnt sure id they would be grabbable later (sorry they hella blurry):

first: the sun!  suns have a ton of different meanings too! for one: the rays of suns form the halos we all love and so can represent the influence/prescence of god/the divine.  I was able to find a bit more info about suns with faces than moons in that it relates back to the renaissance and became a symbol then!  scholars link it to the greek sun god helios :D  helios, as many greek gods, was supposed to be a mega hottie and also low key also represented creation... wowow lots of imagery about femininity and change and creation and were only three tattoos in :D

the second tat i circled in this screengrab is the lil celtic knot design of the tree of life on his shoulder! the tree of life symbolizes a link/connection in all living things (the avatar movie’s world is based all around this ay ay ay) it also represents like our own intrinsic connection to mother earth. the history of the symbol relates back to its celtic origins and a lot of the celtic mythos surrounds trees and all kinds of cool shit i dont know about. i think (like all symbols) they can also have several meanings but in general: conection, communication, knowledge, love, etc... ill talk more about like celtic knots specifically cause theres another of those :P

the next tattoos that caught my attention were the ones on the back of his neck:

so nas has three chakra symbols on the back of his neck. its hella hard to make out but i BELIEVE they are the sacrum (represents creativity), the heart (represents love), and i cannoooot tell if the last ones the throat or the crown chakra. the throat represents articulation/the voice and the crown has to do with like a higher conscious (and honestly feel like either could be true but i want to say its probably the throat chakra!)

so here we have nas telling us his mission: creativity, love, and a voice.

and then funnily enough below the three chakras is a little snek tattoo! this is fun cause later in the music video when he is given the book, the cover is of the chakra chart and you see a little animated snake coil up through them!

i started to wonder if in this context the snake is still representing the devil, but now the devil is the music industry.  the snake is on its way to coil around and snuff out his creativity, love, and voice (ooo shitt i see you nassss you slick motherfucker I SEE YOU)

also on his back is a red aum symbol:

the aum is the symbol of that last chakra, the crown.  its what people say when they meditate and again, is related to that higher, spiritual thinking (this solidified my thinking that the third chakra on his neck is the throat cause then it would be redundant right? :0 )

next screen grab:

so in this shot you see hes got a lil koi boi and a yin yang symbol!

yin yang symbols are hella ez: balance, harmony, particularly the balance of light and dark and the masculine and the feminine (oh my another symbol about femininity ohohohoho) basically any dichotomy!

koi fish are a fun one, i didnt initially see this one i was actually after the yin yang tattoo and realized that was a koi XP

BUT koi fish can represent: tolerance, good luck, strength, serenity, persistence, will, and ambition (that is so sexy of him tbh fuckin amaze) the og japanese mythology of the koi fish says that a school of them turned into a dragon (thats the insp for magikarp/gyarados!)

koi tattoos can have some specific meanings depending on the orientation of the koi and the colours/patterns used! (alas i do not know the specifics about what the positioning means here so again, feel free to add if you know!) (there may actually be another koi opposite on the other side of the yin-yang which then makes another specific koi symbol which would also change the meaning but i cant tell)

quickly back to celtic knots for the next grab:

i thiiink i saw another one too aside form this one and the tree of life not 100 on that tho BUT: ooo celtic knots! so there are a bunch of diff celtic knot designs and they all mean different shit! im pretty sure this one here is the one called the dara knot! (again correct me if im wrong here) but these guys are used to represent inner strength and also relate back to the same kind of root imagery from the tree of life ^-^ 

i just happened to spot this little one in this shot too (there are so many that i like can see the edge of the fuckin tattoo but idfk what it is 😡) 

oh shit also just noticed on his arm in this one: 

thefuck is that? the illuminaughty symbol?? all seeing eye?? idfk if you do lemme know

he also has this fucking constellation on his neck i cant get a full view of so idfk which one it is TT^TT

heres the two grabs of it i got (sry this one was rlly hard to grab)

i waaaaant to say its orion?? that the closest one i was able to find from what i can make out but pls pls pls lemme know if u know XP if it IS orion: this constellation like all of em has a lot of mythos behind it.  orion is like the hunter of all hunters and in that way probably represents a more masculine energy? again not 100 on this one it might not even be a constellation maybe its a chemical equation wtf do i know

and then finally his chest: 

there are two main parts i wanna talk about on his main chest tats SO:

first of all i tried so hard to find some good grabs but god hes always so damn shiny and theres always glare on the main tattoo XP

so start off with the easy on: the red star. im pretty suuurrreee that this is supposed to be the northern star? if so this would represent a path to follow, or just symbolizing guidance in general.  i believe that the fact that it has 8 points also gives it several different religious connotations as well! this means it can also represent spirituality :)  hes following his own path babeyyyy!!

ok now onto the big one. i will admit this is the one that has me stumped!  (and its the biggest one >:V) i have spent over two and a fucking half hours scouring the internet for old renaissance paintings because i feel like this is a painting i have seen before!!  this ones driving me up the wall! im pretty sure it is a greek mythology scene. it initially reminded me of the birth of venus, and then upon closer inspection it looks like possibly a male figure on a boat?  so i just looked at every greek male sea god and did not find. and then it looked like the male was pouring water out of a vase which DEFINITELY makes me think of greek shit, specifically aquarius because hey thats they symbol of aquarius. thats as close as i have gotten! im pretty sure im at least on the right track there but idfk man i cannot find it

if you know what painting/myth his chest tattoo is of please for the love of god let me know cause its like that last fucking puzzle piece and i bet its a really poignant one esp since its right front and center taking up most of the space (if i figure it out ill update too cause u bet ur ass im still lookin)

IN CONCLUSION:

the tattoos in this music video reflect his current spot on his journey to self acceptance.

the butterflies represent that he’s changing or has changed, he's come out and things are different now but hey hes a beautiful butterfly so fuck you.

he has lots of tattoos that symbolize either femininity or the notion of balancing the masculine and the feminine. 

the chakras on the back with the snake are particularly interesting! it seems to speak to his goals of holding up his love, creativity, and voice which are in danger of being strangled by the snake aka the industry (babey!!)

several tattoos speak to the idea of connectedness, community perhaps ;)

lil nas x is stepping out on his journey and he is sprinting so we can walk

anyway yeah... i noticed they all had important symbolism that like... spoke to the message so i wanted to compile my thoughts on some of the tattoos so here they are ♥

pls feel free to add or correct any info i missed i was just googling shit XP

ESP IF YOU KNOW THE MAIN CHEST TAT PLS GOD

so in double conclusion:

i am in the cult of lil nas x

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, episode 17-20 thoughts! finishing up season two! the finale is the THIRD 2-PARTER OF SEASON 2. that's so many! I wonder how many season 3 will have?

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-UERGH WHY DOES VLAD HAVE AN AI WITH MADDIE'S FACE ON IT. SOOO CREEPY. AND MORE 'CREATIONS' waiiiit. vlad is Dr. Frankenstein! (despite his ghost design obviously referencing vampires) HE HAS 'CREATIONS' HE MAKES THEN WONT TAKE REAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR!!! this bitch.

-danny was late and his friends immediately start going off about how hes inconsiderate, and has been treating them like sidekicks??? he just overslept, my god. chill. even if he has, be nicer about talking about it with him?? he really can't help that he sometimes has to chase the ghosts, or has a secret identity to protect...

-'what kind of ghost haunts a miniature golf course' umm. me as a ghost. next question

-imagine going home and theres a tiny child on your bed claiming to be your cousin. with as many cousins I have, I would probably believe her. but the 'ran away from home' BIT....SHES 12?? SHES SO TINY. I hate that they have her belly out in her ghost form, but I like how her colors are asymmetrical. something about her design...maybe the proportions?? are weird to me...anyway danny was good to feed her, but he shouldve taken her to his parents FIRST. or, tbh, probably jazz. (JAZZ DIDNT EVEN GET TO MEET HER!!! NOOO. I mean she said she'll be BACK BUT STILL)

-ANYWAY. shes voiced by AnnaSophia Robb, the girl who was in because of winn dixie, played as violet from charlie and the chocolate factory, and was the girl from bridge to terrabithia. (the movie that made me cry hysterically when I was 12 and I never watched it again because it Broke Me!) thats super cool.

-vlad sucks: the episode, basically. what's new!! I love how he's like, I'm Not A Villain. *immediately cuts to him torturing danny to make him transform, to get mid-transformation DNA, to perfect a Clone.* *immediately shows that he doesnt give a shit about his new daughter Dani and just wants a ''more perfect clone'' and will put her in danger to get that. will let her DIE to get that*

-Dani is danny's clone and is a girl? transgenderism....one of them has to be trans. or they both are.

-dani just. leaving at the end. WHAT? SHES 12. DONT JUST. NO!!! SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST BORN, A MONTH AGO AT MOST, RIGHT?? SHE NEEDS...SOMEWHERE TO LIVE. MONEY? FOOD?? A FAMILY?? AN EDUCATION???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S LEAVING!!! OKAY BYE I GUESS!!! D: concern!!!

-the next ep opens with skulker chasing a ghost down. ...does skulker count as a ghost hunter in the way valerie and danny do? I mean, sure, he hunts the good guys too, but he. he hunts ghosts...also, we haven't seen his Real Form since his debut episode! tiny...

-the guys in white are back! ngl, I assumed they were a gag for that one episode. you're telling me they might actually be a threat? ok.

-valerie in her lil nasty burger uniform looks so cute!! glad shes not in that mascot uniform this time. I guess she stopped hiding that she's working there now?

-gregor having white hair, dressed in black and white...and green eyes...sam has a Type, I guess.

-danny being unnecessarily hostile about gregor. danny!!! hes been nice so far. he looks a little...tall to be 14, but. danny doesnt know anything about him! (he does Suspect, but...you cant just spy on people and be rude to them from a hunch.) also, gregor kissed her, and when she freaked out, he was like 'oh no!! sorry, we can take it slow! I understand!' which was NICE. I hate jealousy plots still tho.

-altho. umm. tucker, being concerned about danny spying on them??? SAM AND YOU WERE SPYING ON DANNY AND VALERIE A FEW EPISODES AGO!!!!! im not saying its RIGHT, but dont be a hypocrite!!! AND THEN SAM BEING MAD ABOUT IT, TOO.

-DANNY IS A 7 ON THE SCALE OF ECTOPLASMIC POWER!!! out of 10? so I want to know where the other ghosts rank...I mean it's a list from the guys in white, so, it may not even be accurate, like, they havent seen ALL of his powers, have they?

-Lancer being like 'im not cooperating with the FEDS' until they said they could access his tax records. they already did that joke with jack, but like, its still funny. kings of tax evasion.

-tucker's aggressive third-wheeling. but gregor being super into it. gregor/tucker is the real ship here. then gregor kissing danny on both cheeks after hugging him. bi poly king gregor. (he does turn out to be a liar with a phoney accent. unsurprising, BUT THE CONCEPT OF HIM BEING GENUINE AND THEM ALL DATING IS FUN)

-THE...GUYS IN WHITE THINKING GREGOR IS DANNY PHANTOM. LMAOOO. GET HIS ASS. or,, Elliot. lmfao

-sam saying tucker is part of the package because theyre friends was super sweet <3 but also 'part of the package'...polyships are obviously the solution to these dumb jealousy/love triangle plots.

-danny crashed a whole plane. the collateral damage...

-is he....

-you know....

.... (ITS NOT GAY IF YOU'RE DOING IT TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT, AND LIE TO A GIRL. RIGHT? he was getting a little too into pretending to enjoy tucker's company, and the above...c'mon, guy.)

-lmao, freakshow is in actual prison. I didn't expect a follow up, or for him to show back up! in the finale of this season, too!

-THE SICK TATTOO GHOST IS NAMED LYDIA!!! more Lore On her. freakshow seemed genuinely concerned about her. also, is she mute? I don't think she talked the first time we saw her, either. and we didn't know freakshow 'envied' ghosts, either, the first time, we just knew he was controlling them. interesting!

-...they literally stole the infinity gauntlet from marvel and called it the reality gauntlet. is that legal. what the fuck. even with the gems in the lil slots, having different powers...they had freakshow in jail, but didnt check his pockets??! hes just still in his lil outfit??? what kind of ...oh, its in amity park. yeah, all of the adults are idiots, okay, sure.

-'freakshow!' 'in the anemic flesh!' dude take some iron pills then. also, sure, the red eyes could be contacts for his aesthetic, but the whites of his eyes are yellow! does he have jaundice?! he severely needs more...like, every kind of vitamin. (this is what im worried about as freakshow attacks danny with giant robots)

-again, goth circus is a sick theme, and I love his goth train.

-oh FUCK every single person saw danny transform. on a stage. including his parents via TV. oh god. the guys in white and immediately like 'youre coming in for experiments!' SCARY. at least the crowd is willing to help him to escape...perks of now being a local celeb! even the kids at school are accepting :) this is what, the third time his family has found out? its always been an alt timeline tho. and danny fully intending to just rewrite things again instead of...I dunno, trying to roll with it this time? hes really worried his family won't accept him, huh...

-'maybe our son IS THE GHOST BOY, but its not as if our family's ghostly activities have EVER PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN DANGER' maddie. mmmmmmmmmmmm. okay.

-danny 100% prepared to run away from home because of this :( oh :( and saying his parents are 'looking for him, or a scalpel to dissect him with' ouch...

-THE GUYS IN WHITE TRYING TO ARREST A 14 YEAR OLD. fuck da feds.

-side note (another one about voice actors...) freakshow's voice actor, Jon Cryer, was lex luthor in pretty much every DC tv show, which is why I recognized his voice, because my dad loves those shows so I've seen a good bit of them without seeking them out...)

-the old man saying 'hey, i still had minutes left!' and danny saying 'you gotta watch those roaming charges!' about danny destroying the people in the diner's phones so no one could report seeing him...would kids today understand these things. can you even BUY minutes anymore...I remember my first phone being a flip phone, and the fact I always had minutes when my sister ran out super fast, because I didnt have friends calling or texting me like she did...:/

-the fentons being genuinely like 'why didnt danny trust us and tell us this, we love him :(' and JAZZ LAYING INTO THEM WITH THE 'DISSECTION/MOLECULE BY MOLECULE' LINES. LITERALLLLY. they need to apologize

-technically, lydias stronger than you! -jazz lesbianism moments! when did you even learn her name!!! but also get freakshows ass. lydia is also cooler looking. looove her design sm still.

-jazz psychoanalyzing freakshow... (also, her also having ghost envy? au where jazz is a ghost!! id like to see it)

-im glad the kids still got to go to their respective vacation things, even if they cant really stick around and enjoy them much...

-furry: confirmed. (also tucker calling her hot. tucker is a furry confirmed)

-danny being mad someone at the comic con is selling comics of him without permission, lmfao. give him his royalties!

-freakshow > thanos because hes a drama clown and does use his gauntlet to be FLASHY AND DRAMATIC.

-jazz's 'USE PYSCOLOGY' to danny about freakshow LMAOO. AND THEN IT WORKING. but, oh, freakshow's ghost form sucks. I like him as a clown better tbh. good thing danny took away his ghost powers!

-his parents hugging him and saying theyre proud :"( and saying 'of course you lied to us, we never gave you a reason not to!' and saying they were in the wrong basically for always talking about hurting ghosts aaaa :""(

-then he WIPED THEIR MEMORIES AGAIN!!! FUCK. I can understand him wiping the goverments/student bodies' memories, but why his parents?? they were being accepting!! ARGHHH. season 3 couldve been them all trying to adjust to them knowing!

-I know, on a meta level the showrunners probably wanted to just reset things to the status quo of him having a secret identity. But. We've been doing that for (2) seasons, I'd love if season 3 could be like, his parents adjusting to this and trying way harder to learn more and accept it (and the shenanigans that could come from that) and for fun, if he didn't wipe the students memories, it could be him being popular for a while, then everyone slowly realizing, oh, he's still Danny. Like. he might have ghost powers but hes Just The Same Guy instead of putting him on a pedestal (and seeing them all try and help him hide it from the giw/people who don't know!!)

-fuck they didn't even explain WHY he wiped everyone except sam, tucker and jazz's memories. he just Did It right when his parents were saying they loved/accepted him!! and sam and tucker didnt question it at all!!! HELLO??? very annoyed about this turn of events.

-anyway. onto season 3! I know its shorter than the first two seasons, and is the last season... I might just do it in 2 bursts if I can... :3c depends on the episodes' content and how much I want to say about each!

[zontiky]

okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry. 

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

[dog-teeth]

hey ezra, i'm thinking of start hrt soon, but i'm in a dilemma since i just wanna look androgynous. do you think using a low dose of t for a short time will help?

yes and no. i was in the same place when i first started T, i didnt really want to pass as male i just wanted to look androgynous (now i like being read as male in public but idc im just sexy) so i know how you feel. the thing is, theres a million different ways to look androgynous. ultimately, androgyny is many different combinations of many different features, theres no one way to look androgynous, so to achieve the look you want you have to narrow down what features you want to change. taking T changes specific features within specific timeframes, it doesnt necessarily make you look more androgynous/masculine in a vague sense like that.

when the natural features of your body are deemed as “feminine,” taking hrt will make you more androgynous as it sorta moves you toward the masculine end of things. taking t has increased my natural androgyny, whereas i used to have to dress super masculine to ‘make up for’ my body being seen as female so i could be androgynous, now my androgyny is more natural, i can wear dresses and be androgynous, i can choose to pass as male or female, etc. taking t doesnt have to make you look masculine, it can make you look androgynous if you make it work that way using your dose and other presentation.

taking a low dose of T for a short time might help, but it also might not be effective. it would probably just give you slightly thicker hair and maybe your voice would start to crack, but many of the changes that i think make you very androgynous dont come until later on T, and many of the changes are reversible and might go away when you stop.

id say do heavy research for the timeframe expected for the changes you want. appearing “androgynous” is really vague and means something different to you than it does to other people. so the short answer is yes, taking T will make you androgynous, but a low dose for a short time might not give you the changes you want. it will certainly help, but don’t put all your faith in it making you look exactly how you want, as it affects certain features in certain ways. if they are the features you want to change to look androgynous, go for it!