ventingoutmyass

[ventingoutmyass]

11.25.24

I realized the other night, as I was in bed and half conscious, that you're married now. that that means you have a different name now. that your children will have a name that I may never know. that those children may even already be here. that i kept myself away from them.

no apology can make this right. it's years too late. if I make it through this, if I'm here a year from now, I hope to see you again.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.25.24

I let people treat me badly because of you. because nobody's ever been as mean to me as my mother.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.20.24

did I cry in the shower in worry that the depression cycle has started a full month early? yes. did i start my period the same day i realized something was wrong? yes. will I blame them on eachother? absofuckinglutely

[ventingoutmyass]

11.5.24

I will live to one day tell the story of how I signed over three years of my life to death. and of how I came out of it. of how I lived through every cycle meant to take me for decades.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.5.24

can't help thinking, as the weeks dwindle down, nearing that finale point, that I was almost definitely wrong all along.

without the perspective of what was 2022, being nearly three years out from it, I see from a healthier brain standing point these days than those.

the no new friends rule may be it's own death warrant. it was meant to make leaving the important things behind far easier, and I knew full well that making it easier meant signing myself over. I had full confidence that this will be the last. from healthier brain perspective, I don't share that opinion anymore. though, I don't know that I won't again, weeks from now.

the current thoughts lay in desperation that knowing what may come, will steer it away. that making the conscious efforts for a better and happier day-to-day, the cycle may skip me this year. that's the hope as of now. that's what I try for. deal with the holidays, deal with work, and deal with myself. I can do it. I will do it. there will be no other option.

i will live to show my friends I love them. and I will live to make new ones.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.1.24

overheard somebody at work yesterday, speaking Arabic into the phone. she was our age. and for just a moment, I felt a comfort I haven't remembered in years

[ventingoutmyass]

10.28.24

Who am I, before the fateful event? Surely you know, have known for years now. I'm that person just a bit older. That person, and I would think that with the added time and the clock running out, I'd be a more scared person, a more anxious person, more determined even. But I'm not. At least, not most of the time. As I watch the calendar change, it becomes less real. Time's running out, but is it?

Before whatever comes of spring 2025, I'm tired from work and stressed from home, and I desperately savor what love I have left. This care that I hold, who I hold it for, I hope the day it leaves me never comes. I hope with fearful desperation that it never comes. I would dance this silly little line for the decades remaining if it means that day never comes. I want those years with him. Please god dont let the world take it away.

[ventingoutmyass]

10.28.24

when the episodes act up, the only solution I know to cope outside of completely distracting myself (the only thing thats ever consistently worked) is to dive into the familiar. I'm doing my creative little hobbies as it flares up, so I dont want to distract. As I search for something familiar, I realize that too much has changed, and familiar doesn't much exist right now.

so here I am. talking to you. at least youre familiar.

[ventingoutmyass]

10.27.24

i often wonder if my absence haunts you the way yours haunts me.

I'm sorry I did this to us.

[ventingoutmyass]

10.7.24

"they will only care enough to hate me for finally doing what I should've done all along"

it hits a little different, to think about who will grieve me, but specifically who they will grieve. who i will be remembered as. how many will grieve me for who I am, the actual honest portrayal I give the world.

my parents will grieve somebody. they will. that somebody simply will not be me.

my parents care is something I've been forcing myself to see in a new light. for how many years I've put it off, knowing it would only look bad and it would make living with one much harder, I was so so ill-prepared for the barest of reality I've been able to grasp. not only have my parents never known who I am, they've also never cared about learning them, and spent my life lying about it.

for all the ways I've blamed them for so much, for as much as I sometimes want to make them hurt the way I've been, to tell them in my death that it was all their fault, would be wrong. at the end of the day, a person can only do so much. given, these people gave me life, willingly, purposely, and then raised me as they did. there was so much they could've done. there were so many ways that they could've made the world easier to bare and prepared me to live in it, and supported me to become who I was meant to be. for all they could've done, I'm not sure how different the end would've been anyway. I still live here, on this earth, with these powers and systems.

my death is not their fault. my death is the fault of nobody I've ever met. my death is the fault of every person of power who used it to tear things down for gain. my death falls on capitalism, and colonization, and every single system of oppression as they intersect. my death, and millions of others, who weren't given much less choice than I have.

[ventingoutmyass]

9.27.24

I'm too tired to talk about it. that's usually what it is.

too tired to talk about the position at work I'm taking on that I'm not capable of doing, but I'm the only option to ease so many others overworking themselves. so I over work myself. and I stress about it. and I have panic attacks and continue licking my wounds when I'm scolded about dishes once again. and I worry about still being here. and I worry about suddenly being forced out. and I worry about how I'm meant to make it through next year. how three months from now lies the fight I've been waiting two and a half years for. the fight for my life, and the life of my brother.

I worry about the parent who has been home for six days and demands dishes when I could hardly pull myself out of bed. but she doesn't see it. she doesn't see the way my feet drag or how red my eyes are. she sees a kitchen she dirtied that isn't being cleaned by others. she sees a freeloader. she sees a burden. she sees a person she calls her child and cares none about.

if she cared, she'd ask the questions. she'd bother to wonder why. she would try to be better. she would want to know what was wrong and how she could help. if she cared like she claims. if she loved me without conditions under chores.

[ventingoutmyass]

9.27.24

sometimes you don't hear from me because things are good. sometimes you don't hear from me because things are much too bad.

sorry you don't know the answers until I return

[ventingoutmyass]

8.17.24

am I ready to talk about what happened four weeks ago? no. will I ever be? in full, probably never. is there anything I can do? sure. limited, but sure.

I will pretend. as I've done for fifteen years. pretend that everything is fine, and the people I need to fool, as always, will be fooled. as least, well enough. if they become suspicious that I got a new credit card, or won't finish organizing my bedroom, it can be written off easily, because they've never asked a second question. it's simply not within their person.

I will smile, I will make light hearted jokes, I will ask about their day. I will seethe, and I will numb it. we've now far passed the point that the important things can be turned around, but I will hide it. they've shown that I hide it from them well.

I have made plans, I have made lists, with help have made budgets and options. I still haven't made up my mind about employment options. my brother continues to search his own.

I will be out by new years. because that is the only option. to remain in this house when it hits again is to sign my own death warrant, and without the points that are important to me. I will die my way, by my wishes and my rules. if I do not leave, that can't happen. if I leave, and things go right, maybe none of it will happen at all. maybe my borrowed time can extend for decades. maybe I can beat robin williams.

that option lies on one path and that path has a four month time limit.

[ventingoutmyass]

8.17.24

happy birthday to the most important thing I've ever lost. I hope you're well. I hope the good karma life has owed you is finally showing its head in my absence.

I don't regret many things, my life has been full of accepting things as they are. letting you go is my lifes biggest regret.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for the big moments, the important days, the monumental milestones we always dreamed about and promised to eachother.

I'm sorry I won't grow old with you. I'm sorry we won't become roommates in an old folks home with matching rocking chairs.

I'm sorry I'm too big a coward for a final birthday wish to you.

[ventingoutmyass]

8.12.24

finally posted silly little pinterest-photo-filled edits on tiktok that I've had saved for months sitting in drafts and didn't touch my phone for a few hours and came back to hundreds of views each, with adequate likes, and saves?? but from REAL people who also run edit and fandom accounts???? um?? first taste of fame ig

[ventingoutmyass]

8.03.24

so the name I go by at work is one letter off from a popular men's name and customers will mistakenly call me that and I have absolutely no issue with that for the obvious reasons.

helped a group of guys about my age find hot sauce and and they picked one and walked away, a guy from the back who hadn't interacted with me by then came up and goes "Thanks [x]" and held out a fist bump.

mother fucker I giggled. I felt so affirmed by the interaction I fucming giggled at him.

so anyway that left me feeling like I'd been formally initiated into the Bro Club. and not under the name of Lesbian™️ cause been there done that. overrated. and also always felt like they were looking for a pick me who could share in their objectification of women. so. now I am regular dude bro!!

[ventingoutmyass]

7.28.24

I know I'm not well when the idea of somebody pressuring me into a cigarette is enticing and suddenly summer 2k19 flashes through my head like a reel and I want to re-live it. its been a few years since thats happened. uh oh.