ventingoutmyass

[ventingoutmyass]

4.5.25

We got approved :) moving in nine days

[ventingoutmyass]

4.5.25

adding an item to the list feels empty, almost redundant, like 'of course this is a reason to live, suddenly, all of them are'

[ventingoutmyass]

3.29.25

the apartment application isn't finished yet, and we don't have an approval yet, and I've gotten too hopeful and excited and I've already told people about it, and just praying to God it doesn't bite me in the ass.

We told mom that we're moving out, about the application. We received the last reaction i expected, the best one possible. she's happy for us, glad and excited. And it was easier to see the reaction with my own eyes than believe my brother simply saying it.

we have help. we have friends and family willing to help. help move, help fill the kitchen drawers, help in feeding us.

I can't get over how different it is. how strange it feels to have people around. how right it feels to have people around. How easy it is to love these people I've forced myself and struggled through caring for over the years. why is it suddenly so different. why is it suddenly so easy. why am I suddenly understanding why people choose to live and to seek love. I enjoy things the way I never have before. I enjoy my people in ways I never thought I was capable of.

suddenly I can love correctly. suddenly, I feel normal. this feeling, is what it's all for.

the part of me that always looked down on the reasonings, that always believed life wasn't worth the hardship, that nothing is truly enjoyable enough. that voice has been muted. like a piece of the puzzle is missing. but I don't miss it like I would think I would. it doesn't feel wrong. I don't want to cling to the coping method I held onto for twenty six years. it feels like I don't need it. i don't know when I will need it again. I don't know if I will. I do know that if I find it again, I will be mourning what I now have. I don't know if I could mourn it, now that I know I am capable of experiencing this. if it goes away, if things get bad again, I will know I just have to wait for it to come back again. What i now have exists and I just have to wait for it to find me again.

I get it now. I understand. I'm crying over and over again because i finally understand.

[ventingoutmyass]

3.24.25

"things are okay now in a way that i never thought they would be again"

we found an apartment today, that was properly in our budget, and we both really really liked, scary liked, too good to be true liked. we will likely be applying for it by the end of the day. I believe the move in date would be may 3rd??

so the hunt is on, I've made the decision that 40 hours in feasible for me at this point, sustainable where I am and how I believe I will be for the years to come. so I will begin looking for full time work, rather than struggling at my current job or looking for something additional. I don't want to leave this job. but I think i have to. and God knows how familiar I am with sticking around longer than I'm meant to, I'm ready to move on to the next thing.

three grand in my savings, and a little over a month. Hopefully, as long as we get this.

we're getting out. and really working on making that happen. this is what sticking around was for. this is the reason I lived. for him. for this life. to find something worth wanting.

[ventingoutmyass]

3.20.25

bad things happening at home. slept three hours last night and spent the rest of the morning until I had work throwing things away and packing things into storage and moving most of my food and my fridge into my room, planning to fully bedroom camp for at least the next four days (aside from the wedding ofc)

then I come to work. puffy faced and deep scowl and hating the world. and yet. I text my fellow openers for coffee orders. I bring them drinks. they are thankful, not because they told me so, but because they knew I was incredibly down and cheered me up, in genuine ways that worked and may not had even been on purpose. and a customer praises me for just, talking to her and doing my job. and I get a break for being fairly uuproductive the first hour of my shift, and I talk a bit about what's going on at home.

shutting myself away was never the answer, and now I'm seeing what the other side truly can be.

the timing was terrible. I melted down yesterday like I haven't in a long long time. the critical timing was the biggest thing for me. but, I felt the emotions and went to bed.

I woke up, dealt with my shit, and this is the reward I get. feeling alive. Feeling It. I'll take somebody's couch over this house. Yes because I need to be anywhere else, but also because I don't deserve this. and I'm finally understanding and feeling it.

[ventingoutmyass]

3.19.25

a joy, hard learned in winter, was the warming of the bed

[ventingoutmyass]

3.18.25

have the day off, chose to spend it doing chores and playing video games and reading, all which I really needed, but now it's 5pm and I've had my share of stardew valley snd I wish I was with him instead.

it wasn't even like this seven years ago. we saw eachother once maybe twice a week, and that was fine, too draining sometimes, even. Now I go to work then go see him and its a complete nonissue and it's like every rule I've put in place to placate the burnout from returning is not only unnecessary but in the way. what the fuck is wrong with me. I hate having normal people problems this shit is stupid

[ventingoutmyass]

3.15.25

how fucking gay do i have to be to want to text "hope you're having fun!" two hours into the plans I know he has and helped him prepare food for. how fucking whipped. how fucking whipped to a person iM NOT EVEN ATTACHED TO

WHAT THE FUCKKKK

[ventingoutmyass]

3.15.25

heeeeeelp im projecting my emotional needs onto bkdk again but now connecting them to my own experience with someone somebody HEEEEEELPP

[ventingoutmyass]

3.13.25

just realized my brain categorizes Hobbies and Friends Time as one. so uh. INCREDIBLY grateful that that's easy enough now.

[ventingoutmyass]

3.13.25

I outta request my birthday off, huh?

[ventingoutmyass]

3.13.25

been a while since I tried to do an update:

new manager at work, cool guy, between him and a seasonal that was kept on i keep getting reminded of the things about this job I don't like and it's not only started to wear, but both of them have noticed it wearing on me. it's weird. I hate it. I hate feeling noticeable. no I don't. it's not that bad, it's better than what it was six months ago. it's odd, it's unfamiliar, but not totally unwelcome, I think.

we keep talking about doing something as a group, like bowling or top golf, and I remember how i used to do that at an old jobs years back and how i loved it and often find myself missing it, I'd love doing that again.

also, absolutely revolutionary, not seeking out/waiting for the end of a hang out when I'm with friends. Just. enjoying being there. sitting in a friends bed waiting YouTube videos with them after running around all day and just. not being tired. not longing to go home. oh how I wish I were more this person those years ago with him.

but also invited the coworker to hang out with my friend and I tomorrow night at food trucks. I invited a friend out. it's weird. who am I. who is this in my brain making things make sense. questions continue to grant answers, even years after I stopped asking them.

but it's good. and it's been good. and i continue everyday being baffled at how good I am. that sentiment i always held, about being terrified of being above rock bottom? that hasn't been around. and i continue to wonder just how much your frontal lobe really does account for.

[ventingoutmyass]

3.7.25

reasons not to die #[REDACTED]:

I would be grieved a woman

[ventingoutmyass]

3.2.25

it's march. my bad. didn't realize it's been two weeks.

finally got fitted for the suit though. three weeks from the wedding. and the timeline is literally zero issue. weird to me but ok.

also it's march. minor stressor here and there, normal stuff, also some end of the world stuff but ya know.

it's march. and it's good. and it's been good. I've been seeing my friends, making new friends even. I overspend, sure, but i have more money is savings than I have my entire life thus far. my "reasons to live" list only continues to get longer, I'm at 28 now. I plan to find the fic that inspired me to start that to let them know I've made my own and that it's genuinely helped. also forcing myself to say yes to things has helped a lot too. I have a talent for saying no, ditching friends and invites, but the yes' have been rewarding. like I said, making new friends. even if it's half cheating and theyre friends of friends.

[ventingoutmyass]

2.16.25

I dont remember if I talked about the deja vu's when they were still happening, but when I get what are probably normal ones, where a moment feels familiar but I remember the way things are different from the last time I had experienced this real moment just in a similar way - i read a chapter of this book starting with the same couple words as the last time with its numbers in roman numerals, but last time I was wearing those boot slippers and now my feet are in socks folded up in the chair I'm sitting on - it feels lonely. It feels lonely in such an odd way. Like I'm looking in the mirror but suddenly my hair is a different color, and then remember I had dyed it and now I miss the old color. I used to think the deja vu made me feel special somehow, like I had this unique experience nobody else seemed to. Though as it stands, having been about five years since I've had one, my brothers have become notably intense over the last couple years. He now shares similar experiences to the episode he witnessed back in Chicago. I'm glad that if I dont have them anymore, at least they're still alive somewhere.

[ventingoutmyass]

2.16.25

I don't talk much on politics, really only because I don't like being angry and talking about it here would serve genuinely no purpose to work myself that much. thats not to say that all of my gripes against the world aren't political.

sometimes I hear or see something that creates a terribly visceral physical feeling. watching videos posted from Gaza for over a year have been consistent, and so was the news of roe v wades overturn.

I just heard that the Stonewall website has removed all mention of trans people. Just last night, read of a trans man in NY who was tortured for two months then killed. In the last weeks the executive order to ban gender identity and trans athletes. Dei programs banned. The use of "LGB".

I just erased "its in my own bacmyard", because that's not news. it's been in my yard since the day i was born. I think this is the first time it's felt like a direct attack on me. It's always been my people, always my friends and neighbors and loved ones, always fellow humans. but this one's me. These are threats against my life. and I'm fucking terrified.

[ventingoutmyass]

2.11.25

not to be dramatic but what if i just hurled myself into the sun instead. what if I were double cooked, chat