ventingoutmyass

[ventingoutmyass]

12.30.24

I've become a frequent customer at a couple booths at the farmers market, me and the vendors know eachother by name. I tell them my chosen name, and I accept they won't recognize my instagram like's as me. I give my chosen name, on rewards account for food places or to people I expect to meet again. I give my chosen name in front of my trans brother, but I also use it in front of my sister in law, and my ex. it's on my nametag at work, and I don't hide it. I use the cup with my chosen name on it in front of family. the name and I have gotten comfortable together, we've become friends, even.

but you know when you have to give a name for a food order, sometimes I just say my given name because it's common and easier to spell than my current chosen name and dammit it's just for our dinner order this one time it doesn't matter. so I say my given name loudly to the canes employee to write down and it feels so heavy and so dirty in my mouth. and they make me say it again to get my food. and I realize. Im changing.

once my brother and I are out, he's told me that I can use any name in the house. I can ask him to call me anything without any repercussions. I was so shocked the first time he told me that. like the idea never occurred to me. but of course that's what our home would look like. a home full of beings who use a different name than the first one given to them.

[ventingoutmyass]

12.27.24

in the dishes, the focus still sits. and somehow, it doesn't bother me the way it did months ago. maybe it's the light in the tunnel.

[ventingoutmyass]

12.25.24

in case you were wondering- the primal voice, that's been lying in my bones for nearly three years, telling me I wasn't meant to make it here. It's been quiet for a while. I don't know when I stopped hearing it, but it's nice to know the silence once more

[ventingoutmyass]

12.20.24

maybe "healthy brain" is just my frontal lobe finaly developing. hmm.

[ventingoutmyass]

12.18.24

guess how started an angsty fic, already a known bad idea, at a very detrimental timeeeee :D

it's short and we're halfway through, it's fine.

periods just starting today it's fine it's okay

[ventingoutmyass]

12.14.24

I just realized that theoretically it's any day now.

I also realized the other day how peaceful and easy life is when I'm not pushing myself at work. Wednesday I came home from work, washed all the dishes, cooked lunch, showered and ate, and rested. I didn't fall into my chair, I didn't dissociate toward a YouTube screen for hours until my brain gave in for a nap. I finished watching arcane. I felt good. yesterday, came home from work, picked up dog poop, washed a few dishes, made lunch, and watched my shows. today, went to work early and stayed late, went to the farmers market for my usuals and some Christmas shopping, came home made lunch, and am watching my shows. it's almost nap time and I'm scrolling to find something to read before settling in. tomorrow I have a birthday party, day after back to work. and I will continue to work and eat and play and enjoy the days. I will watch the calender roll by. I will pay enough attention, it will not catch me by surprise, but I will not wait at the door for the First Bad Day at happen.

I will watch my little shows, play my little games, read my little stories, think about my little characters. I will pet my little dog and talk to my little brother. I will show up to my little shifts with my little coffees and enjoy the little things this little life will offer.

my hope though, will not be little.

[ventingoutmyass]

12.3.24

No New Friends.

I said only about a week ago that if I survive, I will reach out to my dearest old friend. About a month ago I admitted that the no new friends rule was almost definitely a mistake. A month ago I promised to live to tell this story for decades. In october I gave an honest declaration, wanting more time with my brother. In august I promised to make it out of this house. July, realization that I could become a good friend. Also realization that I was afraid of losing what's good, that the only way out would be to seek more of it. In June I reflected on my birthday, and how how badly I wanted such a poor one to not be the last. I wanted my people back. I wanted to be remembered and mourned. I wanted to leave behind a life that wasn't what I made the last three years to be. In june I also thought about my consequences past death, how I didn't believe them to be worth the peace. Knowing that I wouldn't achieve the goal I sought in setting the no new friends rule in the first place. April, can't form attachments as I would like to. Even in the same paragraph, excusing the deep adoration and love I have for my brother - as if I could never form a bond to compare for the entirety of my life - as if I hadn't ever already. In March, I realized trying to do it all myself for over a decade was the wrong move, and that I did not share the skills that a full team of medical professionals would. I was fourteen, then twenty-four; I needed help. It was March, that I promised I would most wish to die among every possible scenario. It may stand mostly true, but not entirely, anymore. CR hasnt been a main character for a long time, she isn't enticing anymore as she was three years ago, though she may always come back if I find I need her again. February I told my brother of the cycle, its bare and easy to digest bones. I'm sure he's forgotten of it by now, I do hope so.

The signs are there. They've been there a while. Signs of a mortal person who could want to live. Signs of a person who wants to find a life to live. Signs of me, a person I know and can envision growing into, living a good life a few years from now. What that person would look like. Of the life he would live.

In April: "what maniac thinks like that? one with a time bomb. one with a time bomb in front of them and a pair of wire cutters at the end of a fantastic puzzle that cant be solved on part time minimum wage and intense sense of loss."

Minimum wage and intense sense of loss, no. The time bomb can't be solved that way. Although with people to love, and safe spaces to cook in- it's possible. It is possible. It is worth doing.

It's worth the fight not for my brother, not for our dog, not for my mother or best friend or CR. The time bomb is worth defusing for me. The me that exists today and will grow into his new environment in time. The me that will face new challenges and the cycles and unseen hardships. The me that will meet people to love and have books to write. The places I will grow into, the hobbies I will form, the projects I will create.

281: Your soul is the whole world.

I say this as I stick around to talk to coworkers. I say this as I become active in the chat with my internet friends again. I say this as I make plans with a friend I haven't seen in years. I say this as I make appointments to suit fittings for a wedding that is expected to be at the tail end of the cycle. I say this with the explicit intention of breaking this damned rule.

I share this with the same thought I've held for six and a half years, that one day somebody I know may read it. For the first time in a long time, I don't expect them to be reading this any time soon.

Truly, I don't know what the next five months will look like. But I do have a promise to make. Fuck the preparations. Fuck the No New Friends rule. If this cycle tries to take me, I will fight it back. I will not go willingly. I will make this a life worth living. I will make this a life worth leaving behind. I will be somebody to mourn. I will be remembered.

If I am to go down, I will go down swinging.

Until then, I will live.

[ventingoutmyass]

12.1.24

my foot might be broken from just like, walking around. idk.

we are likely in the final weeks of living at home though. the lease is up in march. our mom is hoping to talk tomorrow. maybe I can sleep through this one too.

my current top worry is only having a couple cooking pans, and none of them being good for quinoa. older brothers getting married in march and we will likely be getting their old cookware, kinda holding onto that.

I mean, aside from the top worry that is these next few weeks. but to be spending christmas morning unpacking boxes is a dream.

I also don't remember if I mentioned, I started a "100 reasons to live" list about this time last year, if i remember correctly. I added number 20 today. finding twenty reasons to live over a year certainly doesn't feel like any kind of feat compared to the rest of the world, esp with several being the same answers, but it makes me happy to look at, a long list like this. almost as happy as the "fics I've read in 2k24" list does.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.25.24

I realized the other night, as I was in bed and half conscious, that you're married now. that that means you have a different name now. that your children will have a name that I may never know. that those children may even already be here. that i kept myself away from them.

no apology can make this right. it's years too late. if I make it through this, if I'm here a year from now, I hope to see you again.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.25.24

I let people treat me badly because of you. because nobody's ever been as mean to me as my mother.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.20.24

did I cry in the shower in worry that the depression cycle has started a full month early? yes. did i start my period the same day i realized something was wrong? yes. will I blame them on eachother? absofuckinglutely

[ventingoutmyass]

11.5.24

I will live to one day tell the story of how I signed over three years of my life to death. and of how I came out of it. of how I lived through every cycle meant to take me for decades.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.5.24

can't help thinking, as the weeks dwindle down, nearing that finale point, that I was almost definitely wrong all along.

without the perspective of what was 2022, being nearly three years out from it, I see from a healthier brain standing point these days than those.

the no new friends rule may be it's own death warrant. it was meant to make leaving the important things behind far easier, and I knew full well that making it easier meant signing myself over. I had full confidence that this will be the last. from healthier brain perspective, I don't share that opinion anymore. though, I don't know that I won't again, weeks from now.

the current thoughts lay in desperation that knowing what may come, will steer it away. that making the conscious efforts for a better and happier day-to-day, the cycle may skip me this year. that's the hope as of now. that's what I try for. deal with the holidays, deal with work, and deal with myself. I can do it. I will do it. there will be no other option.

i will live to show my friends I love them. and I will live to make new ones.

[ventingoutmyass]

11.1.24

overheard somebody at work yesterday, speaking Arabic into the phone. she was our age. and for just a moment, I felt a comfort I haven't remembered in years

[ventingoutmyass]

10.28.24

Who am I, before the fateful event? Surely you know, have known for years now. I'm that person just a bit older. That person, and I would think that with the added time and the clock running out, I'd be a more scared person, a more anxious person, more determined even. But I'm not. At least, not most of the time. As I watch the calendar change, it becomes less real. Time's running out, but is it?

Before whatever comes of spring 2025, I'm tired from work and stressed from home, and I desperately savor what love I have left. This care that I hold, who I hold it for, I hope the day it leaves me never comes. I hope with fearful desperation that it never comes. I would dance this silly little line for the decades remaining if it means that day never comes. I want those years with him. Please god dont let the world take it away.

[ventingoutmyass]

10.28.24

when the episodes act up, the only solution I know to cope outside of completely distracting myself (the only thing thats ever consistently worked) is to dive into the familiar. I'm doing my creative little hobbies as it flares up, so I dont want to distract. As I search for something familiar, I realize that too much has changed, and familiar doesn't much exist right now.

so here I am. talking to you. at least youre familiar.

[ventingoutmyass]

10.27.24

i often wonder if my absence haunts you the way yours haunts me.

I'm sorry I did this to us.