#it's a very long back and forth of ''we need to apply to anything and everything reasonable because the job market is terrible

[harbingerofwhump]

My brain normally: goes in spirals and panics coming up with a bunch of horrific and distressing 'what-if's for even the most minor and inane things

My brain (at the state of job searching I'm in right now specifically) when looking at jobs I could apply to: produces weirdly optimistic 'what-if's. That somehow also become distressing...

[wayfayrr]

"Wait no you're not supposed to get hurt."

First of the 400 follower raffle winners!!! took a little longer to write than planned but it's here! This is for @the-moon-files and it's masc!human!reader with the chain, it doesn't touch on all of the hcs I have for humans/hylians but it's made very clear that there is a difference :3c

[masterlist]

“Um, [name]? Are you sure you don’t need a potion, that gash you got on your leg seems like it’ll get infected if you don’t use a potion or anything other than bandages.”

“Thanks for the concern sky but-”

“Yes, I know most potions don’t work for us. It’s why luv and bertie spent so long perfecting recipes that have any positive effect.”

Us? US? After months of traveling with the chain, having to explain new differences between me and them sky decides to drop a bomb like this???? Is he messing with me or something? My face must have said exactly what I’m thinking considering he pulled back with a nervous giggle. 

“I forgot to mention it, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, yeah you did. It would have been very nice to know I’m not the only human here earlier.”

“Sorry, I was so happy not being the only one anymore that I forgot… to actually tell you. But really can’t this whole thing wait until we’ve dealt with your injury?”

That’s fair, I’m still a tad bitter over it but I can understand. He’s got a look of guilt and concern on his own face now, his hands twitching and half reaching for the gash on my leg before pulling back reluctantly. Begging for my permission to help with puppy dog eyes glancing back and forth simply begging for approval. Hopefully he hasn't noticed that it's a bit worse than just a gash.

“If you’re sure that it won’t just be a waste of supplies then go ahead I guess.”

“I’m certain it’ll help you, not as much as it would the traveller or the champion but it’ll help.”

The potion feels strange in the wound as he goes about applying it, it’s almost similar to antiseptic but with less of a sting. Not anything like what I thought with how the other links down them like it’s honey or something, maybe they just taste a lot better than they feel. Maybe they’re just different for humans. No way to really tell. Before long he’s finished with that though, moving on to simply bandaging it. 

“Skyyyyyyyy you’ve been over here hogging his attention for ages when are y- oh I…”

It seems wind didn’t notice the reason sky’s been ‘hogging’ me then, does that mean that sky was just watching me in the battle. Probably just cause he’s enamored by not being the only human now, nothing to look into beyond that. I’m overthinking it. 

“[name]? When did - Twi said humans are invincible, how did you - how did they - You’re alright right?”

“I’m alright kiddo, sky’s just been helping me with some of his own potions.”

“Wait twi’s been saying what?”

Seems Sky’s just as shocked as I am, he wouldn’t have said anything otherwise, so this isn’t commonly known. Or true but that’s another thing. Was it his attempt at getting wind to not be so wound up that most potions and magic is about as effective on me as carrying water in a sieve. But that just means that if something were to happen, like maybe y’know - right now, he’s going to get more messed up than otherwise. Twilight wouldn’t do that, he’s a bit dense sometimes but he loves the sailor like a brother. Does that mean this is just something he believes himself? He grew up in ordon it’s not impossible.

“Wind please when did Twilight say that?”

“He said it when we found out [name] is a human, why are you so bothered by what twi is saying about him?” 

“I think sky is just worried about any rumours going around, no need to snap at him for it.”

“Yeah, just worried about rumours, yeah.”

“Well if anyone should be worried about those ‘rumours’ it should be ME - what if… what if you got hurt worse… we wouldn’t be able to - we wouldn’t know… even if we were to use a potion it'd just blend in with your blood and we could miss places...”

The exact reason why twilight shouldn’t have told wind this is happening right now, and I don’t know how to comfort him. He’s crying and stressed over me getting hurt despite sky-treating it, despite me being fine. It’s not like it’s just wind upset either, I don’t think I’ve seen sky so stressed in all the time I’ve known him. It’s almost like he’s been caught in a lie, wait now that I think about it his ears look hylian, has he not told the chain either? Too many questions and not enough time or words to get all the answers. And he knows I want them.

“I- I’m going to tell wild that he’ll need to make some more potions. I’ll send twi over as well if he’s not busy with anything else. Your leg should be fine now, just don’t move too quick or take the bandages off unless it’s to replace them with clean ones.”

And now sky’s gone, leaving me with an overwhelmed wind. Who looks honestly more confused over Sky leaving the way he did than upset over me being hurt, which is somewhat of an improvement I guess? It’s better than having him stressed out over a little gash. 

“Was it just me or was sky-”

“Really nervous? I’m sure he’s got a reason to be kiddo, who knows maybe he’s just anxious over me getting infected.”

“INFECTED!?”

Oh, I should not have said that, it’s like wind didn’t even consider that that could possibly happen. And now I’ve sparked his worry all over again. 

“hey I didn't mean to -”

“If you can get infected we've gotta be extra careful and and - [name] we've gotta tell time before he pushes you way too hard and something else happens.”

“Nothing else is gonna happen, I'm fine I promise you that.”

How long is he going to be pouting over me getting injured, it’s not a big deal, I’m not going to die or anything. 

"What're you two doin' that's causin' Sky to act up like some cuccos durin’ a lightnin' storm?"

“IT’S CAUSE [NAME] GOT INJURED, HIS LEG GOT CUT.”

His ears drooped faster than wolfies tail would start to wag if you offered him some pets. Which proves the fact that twilight wasn’t telling wind a lie to make him concerned for no reason, he genuinely thought that humans couldn’t be hurt. I - don’t really know what to think now, I mean it is good that it wasn’t him lying intentionally but how long has he lived with humans, how long has he had to learn that this isn’t true??? He’s what 24? Has Rusl or no one else gotten hurt in any of those twenty-four years? 

“Ya - ya got hurt ‘nd didn’t tell?”

“Well sky was helping me and then-”

“Neither of ya thought ta tell? Y’ain’t think I shoulda known?”

Is - is he going to start crying? I knew twi was pretty soft-hearted but to start crying over me not thinking to tell him about just a small little cut into my leg? Why’s he so personally offended that he wasn’t told any sooner, does he really care so much about someone he’s only met recently? 

“I mean, I thought that’s what sky was going over to you for?”

“I well yeah, yer right, that’s part of why he did.”

“Hey are we missing the point!? [Name] got HURT when you said humans were near invincible!”

“That really isn’t the important thing right now wind, I think twi only said that so you wouldn’t worry about me. Right?”

Go along with it, see on my face that I’m trying to get you to go along with this so that wind doesn’t get more stressed and just go along with it. Please. If he doesn’t then I will never be able to move on from this, and I don’t think that anyone would appreciate being lectured for something that you genuinely have no control over. 

“Right?”

“Ah righ’, wind you know I were only sayin’ that so you wouldn’t worry, yeah?”

“Oh sure you say that now, but before it was all ‘Humans were blessed to be invincible by the spirit ordona because of the goddess hylia’s hatred of them.”

“Aigh’, and I was tellin ya that so you won’t worry.” 

Well wind clearly doesn’t believe him, he doesn’t sound certain of himself either to be honest. But the sailor seems to be done stressing over it now, ran himself out of energy it seems. Nuzzling into my side with a pout. 

“Come on kiddo, it’s not worth a grudge with one of your big bros.”

No response, But a very disappointed twi now. Offended from me not apparently telling him fast enough or whatever, which just feels like a weird reason more than anything. Besides even that it’s not like he’s known me long, he really shouldn’t be as bothered as he is. 

“Wind please, I don’t think it’ll do me any good staying on the floor like this either.”

“...f’ne.”

Hinting at something worse happening did just the trick as I hoped and got him up onto his feet, while giving me the silent treatment as twi helps me to my feet. Just gotta hope that the break won’t get any worse now that I'm standing. Or noticed. I’m already lucky enough that sky didn’t pick up on it, because I know that the second anyone learns it’s going to pull us all to a halt. Hell for all I know he’s hiding that he saw it to go tattle on me to time, never would have known that he could lie so well so I can only hope he won't use it like this. But what do I know, he could do anything just to get some extra sleep in.

[aayakashii]

Can I please get a 29❤️ and 33❤️ fluffy for Haku please?

29❤️ A kiss to the back of the hand

33❤️ A kiss to a scar, birthmark, injury, or other marking

I got to use the cute gif I wanted!! >:D *rubs hands together*

Urgent!!

I am being stalked!

??????

What?? Are you okay, Haku???

Who's stalking you??

Come meet me at the courtyard and I'll show you

... you'll show me? Your stalker?

Yes

Save me please?

... okay...? I'm going

My hero <3

As you hurriedly walk towards the courtyard, your head turn left and right, looking for Haku. The heavy bag on your back slams against you as you jog back and forth, frantically searching for Hotarubi's vice-captain. After all, even though his messages had been a little weird, you didn't want to risk not taking something as dangerous as a possible stalker seriously.

You stop in your tracks once you hear a nearby voice call out your name, and, quickly turning around on your feet, you manage to see Haku's yellow eyes peeking from behind a tree.

Maybe he was trying to hide from someone, you thought.

Swallowing hard, you try to walk quietly towards him in order to avoid any unwanted attention.

"Thank you for coming to save me" Haku say nonchalantly, smiling at you from his seat on the ground and against the tall tree.

You look left and right and wipe the sweat off your forehead, your eyes wide and alert.

“Where are they? Your stalker?” you whisper anxiously while you sit beside him, and Haku’s lips form an ‘o’ before he chuckles as if he had just remembered a hilarious joke.

“Right, the stalker. There it is” he points to the space in front of him.

“What? Where?” you crane your neck, trying to look at whatever was in the distance.

“No, no” he taps your shoulder “It isn't far away. It's really right there. There. Look.” he wiggles his finger, as if it would make you see better.

You squint, looking at the grass. That was all that was in front of him at that moment. Until you see a flash of dark brown jump up and down on the spot, and finally you manage to make out the so-called ‘stalker.’

“That's... a tanuki?” you widen your eyes in surprise after you manage to properly make out the silhouette of the little animal that rolled around between the blades of grass, almost unnoticeable with a little leaf on its head. 

It is a tiny little thing. And very round too. Is every cute anomaly round like that?, you think. But then you turn around to face Haku and raise one eyebrow, looking at him in disbelief. 

“THAT'S your stalker?”

Haku shrugs.

“It's been following me everywhere the past few days, you know? It’s even trying to sleep on my pillow at night and now I have to be careful not to roll around so I won’t smush it to death. It’s a serious problem, believe it or not.”

You roll your eyes at how Haku smirks while he explains his ‘terrible’ predicament to you.

“Well, why don't you take it to Jabberwock?” you ask. He hisses, as if you had just asked a hard question, and bashfully scratches his cheek

“It wasn’t a lack of trying” Haku then shows you the back of his left hand, where you could see a long and nasty red cut opening the skin. You gasp loudly.

“That tiny thing did this?!”

Haku sighs, nodding as if he also didn’t believe what had happened to him.

“It's a feisty little guy.”

“I can definitely see that” you gaze at the small tanuki with a bit more caution, brows scrunched up in surprise. “Well, first let’s take care of this awful wound and then we think of the rest. Can’t have you dying of tetanus because of a 10cm tall tanuki.” you say, opening your backpack and pulling out a medkit from its confines.

Haku whistles.

“You always carry that with you?”

“Of course. Have you ever spent more than a minute with the other ghouls? I literally need to be prepared for anything.”

This time, Haku laughs genuinely.

“Fair enough.”

You take your time to carefully disinfect his cut, apply one of the many anomalous anointments you had picked up at the general store and then you wait for it to dry before bandaging his hand.

After a few moments of silence, with Haku most definitely basking in the feeling of your hands cradling his, you can't control your curiosity anymore.

“Okay but uh…” you stutter, lightly touching the ointment and then grabbing a clean bandage once you noticed it was dry. “Why did you ask me for my help? I’m just a human.”

Haku looks up, in thought.

“Well, I know you have a way with these little guys. Peekaboo loves you, doesn’t he?”

You hum, not fully convinced.

“But what if it scratches me too?” 

Haku leans towards you, suddenly looking serious.

“Then I'll kill it” he murmurs, with a tinge of darkness in his voice.

You gasp loudly, startling the tanuki that had began to take a nap under the sun and in front of you.

“No!!!! Dont!!! It's cute!! Don't kill it!!!” you almost yell, clutching Haku’s hand tightly while you stare at him, eyes wide as saucers.

“Pffftt! Hahaha! It's okay, I was joking. I won't kill it.” he laughs, leaning back against the tree.

You scrunch your brows, looking at him with suspicion, not completely sure that he was just joking right there. You then tap his now bandaged hand lightly and sigh.

“Okay, it's done.”

Haku tilts his head to the side and pouts.

“Aw. Can’t I have a little kiss on my wound to make it better?”

You glare at him for a moment, before pulling his hand towards your lips and kissing his fingers, avoiding the bandage for safety.

You turn your head away quickly so he wouldn’t see you flustered by your own actions. You end up missing the way his jaw hangs low, completely taken aback by you. 

Haku clears his throat and scratches his cheek again, embarrassed.

“Well, now I really can't kill it. It got me a kiss. Maybe it's my new lucky charm.”

“Stop it.” you gently slap his shoulder. "Okay now... The anomaly." you mutter, more to yourself than to him.

You shift your position, sitting on your feet while you lean towards the lazy tanuki in front of you. The little thing was having the time of its life, warming his round belly under one of the sun rays that peeked through the large tree’s foliage. You stretch your arm towards it, the palm of your hand facing up so it’d climb on its own. You were just guessing what would be the right way to deal with that anomaly, but, much to your surprise, it slowly got up on its stubby little legs and walked towards you, quickly plopping on your hand and resuming its nap.

You get up from your seat carefully, mouth open wide in pure awe while you frantically motion for Haku to get up too. He snorts at the sight of your enthusiasm, also getting up.

“Let's take this guy to a place where he'll be safe.” you murmur, staring at the anomaly that was fully relaxed in your hands.

“Oh, it's okay, no need to take me anywhere. I'm safe with you” Haku said, smirking. 

You finally snapped your head towards the man beside you, feeling your cheeks tingle at his teasing.

“Haku!”

“Hahahaha! Sorry.” he chuckles, raising his arms in defeat. “Yes, let's give it a place to live.”

As you two make your way to Jabberwock, Haku suddenly pouts, feigning hurt while he looks at the creature you were so carefully holding.

“I can’t believe a tanuki managed to take a nap on you before me. You really have a way with conquering us, monsters.” 

You sigh. There was absolutely no end to this man's teasing and his flirting, you think.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say” you mumble, exasperated. He just laughs, pleased at your reactions.

I tried to make parallels between the smol tanuki and Haku, basically like: they're both lazy and they both quickly like you ;w; I hope it was easy to notice that lmao

[wolven91]

Cooking For Humans

Nepeltor loved cooking.

As an esquinine, she was drawn to the more pleasant hobbies in life, both for her own happiness and other people's, more so than the average being. She found great joy in being able to provide a service to others that caused such a positive emotional surge. As a strong natural psychic, she had the ability to 'sip' at strong emotions and enjoy them as a one would a drink.

For the unshielded, she was exposed to all emotions, but it was the greater ones, or those felt more strongly that she recognised above the usual din.

Anger, frustration, disgust, or hatred were the ones she avoided where she could, instead deliberately seeking out positive ones instead.

A favoured pass time was lingering near spaceport greeting lounges where long lost partners, families or friends would meet again, rush into one another's arms and embrace with an outpouring of love, joy and relief. It was like standing just off from a planet's coast, until the water reached her shoulders. The ebb and flow of the water would rock her back and forth. Likewise, the relief of seeing one that you had missed was enough for her to physically waver, stood in the middle of the expansive room.

That was until she happened to be in the same café as a human when they got their meal. The creature was one of the new additions, and seemingly was mentally grumbling that they had not eaten anything other than nutrient cubes for a while. Nepeltor grimaced herself, she'd lived off nutrient cubes once; tasteless, boring and a chore to eat. No wonder the human relished the middling quality meal as if it was fine dining.

The esquinine telepath had met no other race in the cosmos that seemed to have such a reaction to their meal.

Even before they started on their plate, the anticipation bled into her readily. When the first bite was taken, she was glad she was seated as the sheer, unadulterated, euphoria that washed over her and hit like a tidal wave. Each bite blinded her like no other. Not even the ursidains could match the depths of the emotion's the human was feeling at this second.

It was the very next day, Nepeltor applied for her culinary licence.

Just short of a year later, she applied for a location for a new food stall on the station. Directly next to the new arrivals exit.

She didn't need much, in the end just space for 5 or so mid-sized creatures... 'humans' she hoped. They were rare, but she noticed a steady appearance of one or two as they made their way across. This station must have been one of the secretive layovers for the valuable species.

Her stall was barely more than a hot plate and space for her ingredients behind the counter, with a bench in front and an eating shelf for the customers.

Perhaps it would be frowned upon to have stolen an idea from the human. Perhaps they would have agreed to give their permission if she had asked, but in the end, Nepeltor made a new meal that was a human specialty in the hope it would lure the new species in with tastes of their former home. 'Noodles', chives, meat and an egg. Throw in some other bits and bats before serving with a smile.

It was several weeks before the first human appeared. By then she was fully invested in her work and had been forced to plan a handful of other stalls opening, manned by hires. The human 'noodles' were a hit, a brand new taste sensation in a galaxy that had tried 'everything' already.

The esquinine at this point wasn't thinking that a human would arrive, instead focusing on her work of slicing vegetables ready for the next fresh pot. She had served the two newcomers as she had anyone else, with barely a thought thanks to the rush.

"God I'm starving!"

"I know, can't get a good meal anywhere here, did that guy genuinely suggest we eat rocks?"

The first voice replied but was muffled as he slurped a heaping of noodles into his mouth.

"At least this place has normal foo-" His dramatic halt gave pause for the other human, before the one that had taken a bite 'mm'd in pleasure as he immediately began eating with gusto.

Nepeltor however, was rocked out of her zen 'flow' state of working and knew instantly that she had done well. From a gnawing hunger radiating from the other side of the counter, like a grenade exploding right in front of her face; a mixture of desire, greed, pleasure and even love bloomed in front of her until she stumbled and had to lean against her counter just to stop her knees from buckling.

What was interesting was that over time, one by one, each human ended up emitting the same few handfuls of emotions, which was an experience every time and not only did they love her food, there was a hint that they had associated her with her food and she herself was the target of their outpouring of positive emotions. It was directed at her, rather than just passive.

In the end she became famous amongst humans traveling that route.

She had the opportunity to expand, become an administrator, be rich and never have to work again with her stalls setting up shop everywhere, but she would lose access to be there when they took that first bite with ecstasy. Not to mention, if she expanded too much, she would be less likely to see the humans if they weren't forced to come see her and her stall specifically.

[vidavalor]

A theory about Aziraphale, Crowley, Mrs. Cheng, and high sensitivity

What's up with Aziraphale sensing love in Tadfield and thinking Maggie might be able to hear Heavenly trumpets and with Mrs. Cheng pausing weirdly at the bookshop door before entering The Ball?

What if bad spelling isn't demonic and sensing love isn't angelic? What if Aziraphale (an angel), Crowley (a demon), and Mrs. Cheng (a human) all actually just have the same ability? What if they are all HSPs-- highly sensitive people?

Aziraphale's ability to sense love is something that has spanned both seasons now and I know some people think this is an angelic thing but there's evidence, imo, that it's not. The show has been putting forth a message that angels, demons, and humans are really not that dissimilar. They have different life spans and abilities but they're all under the same kind of umbrella and none are superior or inferior to the other. They suggest this with the symbolism of labeling all of them all as insects (humans are ants, angels are bees, demons are hornets, flies are Beez's department) and as different kinds of waterfowl. Pat's example magic trick of The Professor's Nightmare-- the rope trick-- during The Blitz, Part 2 is also this as well. You have three different ropes that seem like they're different lengths: the big one (angels), the medium one (demons), and the small one (humans) but if you put them all together under the same light and you pull (like the force of gravity, that Gabriel and Crowley talk about in S2), you see them as all the same length.

The idea then is that angels and demons are just like humans, in terms of their needs and wants, and some don't recognize it because their supernatural abilities inhibit their ability to consider why they might also have human corporations in the first place. All of the angels and demons really need to eat and sleep and to not feel alone. Some of them, like some humans, might be interested in romantic love and/or sex, and some of them, like some humans, might not be. Things the show has coded as "demonic" at times-- like being terrible with language-- they also quietly illustrate as not being fully true. It can't be that all demons are terrible spellers who aren't great with words because Crowley is a demon and a literal poet while Gabriel was the Supreme Archangel of Heaven-- and he once suggested that keeping the status quo would keep things "static and, uh, quo-y." Who is better with words: Lord Beezlebub or Sandalphon? Beez, by a long mile, right? But Michael is also better with language than Hastur. The point is that it doesn't matter if you're an angel or a demon or a human-- some people are good with language and some are better with other things.

So, just some of the demons are bad spellers-- which doesn't actually mean anything. There are plenty of terrible spellers who are very intelligent and who are just better at different things-- which is something that is true of humans as well, right? What if we apply those same ideas to the sensitivity thing?

For one thing, if all angels-- or, even, just a lot of angels-- had a high sensitivity to love like Aziraphale does, the end group scene in S2 should have gone differently. The only angels experiencing or sensing love in the bookshop during the Ineffable Bureaucracy scene are Gabriel (who is the one feeling it) and Aziraphale. Being in the presence of love did nothing for Michael, Uriel, Saraqael or even our sweetheart Muriel (who, to be fair, wisely had their nose in a book in the back of the room the whole time but still probably should have been able to sense something if that's actually an angelic power.) The only angel actually overwhelmed by the love in the room is Aziraphale... which is, mathematically, kind of interesting. Aziraphale is one-sixth of the angels in the bookshop in that moment, which equates out to the roughly 17% percent of the human population estimated to be HSPs, or highly sensitive people, some of whom are also empaths.

If you go back to S1, when Aziraphale and Crowley enter Tadfield and Aziraphale starts experiencing love, he says to Crowley: "I'm astonished that you can't feel it." This comment alone might be suggested to say that the high sensitivity that Aziraphale has is something that isn't an angelic ability. By saying he's surprised that Crowley can't feel it, Aziraphale is saying that he knows that Crowley is sensitive in the same way that Aziraphale is. Crowley, too, is then what humans would probably call a HSP. Crowley balks at the suggestion in S1 but we can see in S2 that it's true when Crowley has his version of being overwhelmed sensing emotion and, in his case in that moment, it was waves of distress. Who else experiences it at the same time as Crowley does? A human. Mrs. Cheng.

Mrs. Cheng is the only other character who gets the heebie jeebies during the arrivals at The Ball. Both she and Crowley actually experience it before the demons come up Whickber Street, around the same time. Crowley attributes it to the demons and his own anxiety over Hell circling closer to the shop while Mrs. Cheng gets pulled into Aziraphale's magic and forgets what she felt at the door. Why did Mrs. Cheng feel something when others who came to the door did not? Because she's a highly-sensitive person.

Aziraphale is an angel, Crowley is a demon and Mrs. Cheng is a human. They are all highly-sensitive people. They all have the same high level of sensitivity.

Maggie shown to be a bad speller? Maybe she's just a human who can't spell, like many humans and demons (and angels) are. Why does Aziraphale think she could hear the Heavenly trumpets sounding the arrival of angels? It could just be because Maggie runs a music shop. Maggie is a musically-sensitive human. Aziraphale thought that might make it possible that, if anyone could hear the trumpets, it might be Maggie. He's not really sure how this all works. Aziraphale thinks that if he can feel love between humans then maybe humans that know music well might be able to hear Heavenly trumpets.

Back in S1, we see in a couple of scenes that Adam has what Crowley calls "an automatic defense thing-y" that keeps him from being found-- and seen, to an extent. A shield of sorts keeps Anathema from reading Adam's aura, showing that such a thing is in place and intact. Because Adam is the antichrist, his power overrides the other demons shy of Satan, so the presumption could be made that those of us who think that the reason why it's when they cross into Tadfield that Aziraphale begins to feel overwhelmed by love is because Adam's shield overrode Crowley's own "automatic defense thing-y" are correct because, let's be real, Crowley with his sunglasses and his Bentley has never met a defense thing-y he's never given a whirl. It fails when they cross the Tadfield line and Aziraphale is then feeling Crowley's love for him.

This is also why Aziraphale is overwhelmed by it again at Tadfield Manor. At the moment that he has to stop walking, Crowley is looking up at the place and, inevitably, remembering dropping the antichrist baby off there eleven years earlier and how he was supposed to be with Aziraphale that night instead. He's thinking about his own love for Aziraphale and Aziraphale senses it and has to stop walking for a moment, overwhelmed. Adam does love Tadfield but Aziraphale is not sensing his love for his hometown. Adam wouldn't remember being born in a religious hospital that has now become a corporate bonding retreat and wouldn't feel an overwhelming love for the place that he's probably never actually been inside since he left it as a baby. Aziraphale is sensing Crowley, who has probably had an automatic defense thing-y up for most of the time for millennia because, otherwise, Aziraphale would be in a constant state of near-faint.

Maggie may or may not be more than we think she is. She might wind up yet being some kind of supernatural being but she also might just be a human who is a bad speller and can't hear Heavenly trumpets. Mrs. Cheng may or may not be a mysterious figure with more going on than we think but she also might just be a highly-sensitive human who helps to illustrate a commonality between angels, demons and humans by having the same ability to deeply sense emotion that Crowley and Aziraphale do.

[yomigaere]

Regarding Touga's age in flashbacks

Touga appears as a child in two significant flashbacks in the series: in episode 9 where he and Saionji find Utena hiding in a coffin after she just lost her parents, and in episode 10 where Nanami gives him a kitten for his birthday, with all that that ended up tragically entailing. (It may be worth noting at this early point that neither of these flashbacks are from Touga's own point of view; ep 9's is Saionji's memory of the event, and ep 10's is of course Nanami's memories.)

The assumption I've seen throughout the entire fandom is that Touga is younger in Nanami's flashback, in which he has short hair, and a bit older in the coffin flashback, in which he has long hair. It's a perfectly reasonable and logical assumption, and one that I wouldn't question either -- if not for two things.

The first of those two things is head writer Enokido's notes on Touga; to sum them up very briefly for those who don't already know, they say his unpleasant backstory as depicted in the movie was also intended to have been his series self's backstory, with some additional details included to account for Nanami and Saionji. A specific point from both these notes and the movie itself is that Touga was ordered by his original parents to grow his hair out, as that was what Mr Kiryuu wanted. If we take Enokido's comments on Touga's backstory as applicable to the series canon -- as I personally do, as it heavily informs my entire reading of Touga as a character -- then they need to be reconciled with what's depicted in the series itself in one way or another.

The second thing is simply that I noticed some curiosities in the series character design sheets, which I'll go into past the readmore. Before that, I just want to pose the question I'm exploring here in the first place:

Could Touga have actually been younger in the coffin flashback than in Nanami's flashback?

Please note that this is more of a thought experiment than anything; I'm not trying to push this as The Actual Canon Truth, even if this does inform my personal headcanons regarding Touga's (and Nanami's and Saionji's) history. I just want to put forward some bits of evidence with my own thoughts and speculation on them. Without further ado...

First up, here's one of the design sheets for Touga and Nanami as kids from ep 10's flashback:

It says that Touga was 12 and Nanami was still 7 (keeping in mind that her birthday is a couple of months after his). I personally think they both look a bit younger than those stated ages, but I digress.

It could possibly be said that whoever added the notes on these design sheets might be pulling the characters' childhood ages out of thin air, but evidence that Touga is intended to be 12 here did make it into the episode itself:

Twelve candles on a cake for a kid's 12th birthday would make a lot of sense.

Meanwhile, here's the full-body design sheet for Touga and Saionji as kids from ep 9's flashback:

This one doesn't give any ages for the boys; I'm mainly posting it here for the sake of comparison. Your mileage may vary on which version of child Touga looks older or younger, and I'm a little back-and-forth on the matter myself; that said, it does strike me how dainty he looks in the design sheet for the coffin flashback, though I wonder if it might just be because of his clothes.

What had me questioning Touga's (and Saionji's) age in the coffin flashback in the first place is that, in the manga, it's stated that Utena was 6 years old when her parents died. That would've made the boys about 9 at the time, as they're three years older than her. Having said that, though, the manga and anime are different continuities with different takes on a lot of things, so just because the manga says one thing doesn't mean it definitely applies to the anime version as well. So how old was child Utena in the anime, then?

As with the boys, the design sheet for Utena's appearance in the coffin flashback doesn't specify an age for her, either. This would ostensibly make their ages at the time ambiguous -- but I'm not giving up here. There's another character who was a similarly-aged child at the time.

Anthy appears as a child in flashbacks in episode 34, one of which takes place very shortly after ep 9's coffin flashback. According to the design sheet, she was 7 years old at the time, and she's noted to be the same height as child Utena. Therefore, I find it reasonable to conclude that Utena was also about 7 years old when she lost her parents, which would've made Touga and Saionji around 10 at the time.

That's the evidence I'm putting forward to support the possibility of Touga being younger in the coffin flashback than in Nanami's flashbacks, with the admitted underlying assumption that the design sheets can be used as reliable sources for characters' ages as children. I think it would address discrepencies in his hair length with regards to his backstory as given by Enokido, but there's still a couple of other things that ought to get a closer look in that case.

All of Nanami's childhood photos of herself and Touga that we see in episode 31 show him with short hair. What's with that?

My speculation on this is that Touga deliberately curated the photo album so that it would only show him with short hair as a kid, in order to hide the reality of his and Nanami's situation as "adopted" kids sold to a paedophile from her. It probably helps that in all these photos, he and Nanami look roughly the same as they did in her flashback in ep 10, suggesting that they could all be from around that time. I've also considered the possibility that there could be some Mamiya-esque shenanigans surrounding the photos (in that they're showing a falsehood, like the photo of the fake Mamiya that turns into one showing his real self during Mikage's duel), but that feels like too much of a stretch to me.

It's also possible that Nanami might be misremembering Touga's hair length in her flashbacks in the first place; the Kaoru twins offer precedent for this, as their "Sunlit Garden" flashbacks in episode 5 show Kozue with a completely different hairstyle depending on whether it's Miki or her remembering that time. Personally, though, I find it more likely that Touga really did have short hair at the time, especially if we assume from everything I gave further up in this post that he'd just turned 12. Apologies for the horrible following thought, but I wonder if, by the time Touga had reached that age, he was getting a bit too old for Mr Kiryuu's sick tastes...

Putting that nastiness aside, there's one more flashback involving Touga I want to talk about, and it's one I wouldn't even have thought to include if I hadn't rewatched the episode it appears in recently: Tsuwabuki's flashback from episode 6! (Always leave it to the comedy episodes to surprise you!)

Tsuwabuki is presumably in preschool here based on his clothes, Nanami is in the girls' elementary school uniform, and Touga is in the standard boys' uniform as worn by middleschoolers and highschoolers. For all this to line up, I think their most likely ages here are 5-6 for Tsuwabuki, 8-9 for Nanami (putting her in third grade) and 12-13 for Touga (putting him in seventh grade, or his first year of middle school as per the Japanese school system).

Yet Touga has long hair here! If he had short hair when he'd just turned 12, how could it have grown out so much in only a year or so? (To say nothing of the growth spurt he seems to have had in that time...) I could chalk things up to Tsuwabuki idealising him as a big strong older brother in his memory -- middle school Touga apparently fought off a great big rampaging bull, after all -- which would explain why he looks basically the same here as he does as a highschooler. That said, Touga doesn't necessarily need to have had long hair in order for Tsuwabuki to idealise him the way he does; I doubt his hair length matters too much either way for that, so I don't see any reason for Tsuwabuki to misremember his hair in particular. This could lend some credence to the idea that Nanami misremembers Touga's hair length in her own flashback, but I question that for the reasons I already gave further up.

(As an aside: it might just be a matter of the lighting in that specific shot, but had Touga already dyed his trademark lighter streak in his hair in Tsuwabuki's flashback? He noticably doesn't have his highlight in either of the flashbacks with him as a child, which the design sheets for both of them make a specific point of noting. I might talk about the possible significance of his highlight in a different post.)

I think that's about it for my rambling and speculation on this, at least for now. What do you think? Is any of this plausible? Not plausible? Is it at least an interesting thought experiment to read about either way, or is it just a load of codswallop? Are there any blind spots I might've missed that I ought to address? Any other questions or comments? I'm curious to know.

[yannaryartside]

THE LIE THAT CLAIRE BELIVES

THE CARETAKER WOUND

So, I keep coming back and forth with my opinions on Claire. Yeah, she did many things that will be a no-go for me as a person, sometimes cringe or childless, and could be taken as manipulative as well. I have been rethinking about it after reading this amazing post:

But there was something constantly ominous about how she was presented, not only as a manic pixie dream girl coded woman but also as a helper, described as an "incredibly good person" who sometimes managed to become an enabler. I will use some books about childhood wounds I have been re-reading, trying to do for her what I did for Carmen in this post. A deep character analysis speculating on the character's childhood wounds based on behaviors they display.

Let's go brick by brick. Long post underneath.

PART 1: THE HELPER OF DRUNK, SAD PEOPLE

Quoting from @brokenwinebox post: In the party.

Claire: “In college, people would come back to my house after parties. and I think I got really good at managing sad drunk people.” Carmy: “Yeah, I know that feeling.” Claire: “I know you do.”

That made me pause, because she made it seem like a common occurrence. She doesn't say these people were their friends, and maybe they were. But it becomes weirder when you think they were at that party (with Carmy) with the excuse of helping her broken-hearted friend. Claire said, "She needs me"

Girl, what? I get wanting to be there with your friend, but you are talking to your (you said later) childhood crush, dont you wanna spent time alone with him? The other girl doesn't seem like your best friend or anything, so doesn't she have other friends she could rely on during this hard time? She was throwing a party, so she was surrounded by people who could have cheered her up. Why was your presence so needed in particular?

Even if you say they were really close, when Claire said that other people would come to her house drunk after parties, my question is

Why? why was your house the place to do that? Did they insist? Some people can be dangerous while drunk, even if she described them as "sad."

Why did you feel these people were your responsibility? To be a good friend? Didn't you have to study? I had a heavy reading career in college, and I will read while eating or even in the gym, but it didn't come close to being a medical student. I assume these parties were in college, and I understand partying is a college thing, but having to stay awake and comfort a drunk person for as long as they need is another thing. It demonstrates a disregard for your time and needs; weren't you tired, busy, and probably also drunk? You are accepting people who come to you at their most vulnerable but also their most unpredictable. We all have people in need we want to care for even when they are messed up, but she didn't say "my friends" or even "my girlfriends". She said people (it could be a wording thing, but this dialog is very intentional)

She seems proud of it, giving her limited time to confort people she may not be closed with.

Here is my point about the lie I think she believes. I was reading again How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self–by Dr. Nicole LePera, and there was this passage that sounded very familiar:

In the book, Dr. LePera explains "The 7 Inner Child Arquetypes" as behavior tendencies and internal beliefs that one may develop depending on the environment one grows up in. We don't know much about her childhood (I have a theory about it, which I will discuss in another post), but I think this description can apply to her behavior.

The issue here is not to "feel good to take care of people." There are many reasons one may do that, and many of them are altruistic in nature or just love for the person. the key element is the "disregarding of one's own needs." Look at me in the face and tell me that doesn't sound like Claire. She seems proud of how much people would go for her for comfort when she was a student in a very time-demanding career. It was likely very taxing, but she doesn't want to say it was. Not to mention that comforting somebody is emotional labor on its own.

The lie that Claire believes is that she needs to sacrifice (time/energy/emotional labor) to be loved, that only that is her worth as a person, particularly in the role of a caretaker of people in need.

And it also shows in her relationship with Carmy.

PART 2: LOOKING FOR THE LOVE

A scene that always stayed with me was this:

This "I know" seemed childish on my first watch, kinda saying "I know ligfe is not as complicated as you think."

But then I realized she was happy to say the right thing for him to love her. This "I know" is she saying, "I know I am perfect for you, I am catering especially to your needs" after saying, "Nobody is keeping track of shoes," which was kind of nonsensical, to begin with, but it also sounds like something from a Hallmark movie when they try to be profound and prophetic.

I want to bring the Caretaker Archetype to her relationship with Carmy because she also completely disregards her own needs with him. To begin with, when you have a profession with little time outside work, you probably will like it to be a good, stable one. Why are you chasing a guy who gave you a fake number and that you had to "push' for them to be with you? You even joke about the Faks beating him up for giving her a fake number, like wtf. In her interview, Molly Gordon talked about how Claire was pushed in a previous relationship, which gave her the idea pushing was okay, which is an entirely different conversation, but ok.

Regardless of that context, she went for a guy with also a time-demanding job, that you have seen in ages, and that you know it has social issues and comes from a family of addicts, and that family as a very tragic story.

Here is my biggest question:

DOES CLAIRE SEE CARMY AS ANOTHER "DRUNK, SAD PERSON"?

gif from @mporium

He may not be an addict, but he is aware of the substance; they made us watch her purposely giving him the soft drink; he didn't ask for one. Like she is saying, "I know you have this issue; look how good I am at anticipating your needs." Their first date was at a party, the place where she was to rescue a "sad drunk person," as she had done so many times.

Coming back to disregarding her own needs, she didn't establish boundaries or expectations throughout the whole relationship; she said, "I love you," after 2 months of fucking, no dates, and a homemade pasta dinner.

She squished herself into whatever hole Carmy needed her in. I have read in other posts that her profession does not give you much free time. Doesn't she sometimes need time of her own to keep studying, just relaxing?

I am aware they could have just not shown any of it, but when you are writing a romance, it is important to show how each person can satisfy the needs of the other; it is not supposed to be one-sided.

She doesn't discuss her stressful work or mean patients. She does not discuss her dreams; we don't even know her last name.

I think this is why she felt so empty to me: even in her conversations, she seemed to be mirroring him the whole time, looking to say the right thing. She only seemed to address her needs by asking him about the fake number because she felt rejected, and Carmy's pathetic response seemed to be what she needed to hear. For many people, that answer would have been a warning of someone not ready to be in a relationship. But for her, it was okay.

She has to be able to at least suspect his depression and other mental issues. She doesn't know about his fire incidents yet; why does a person look for a partner she has constantly to care for while he can't take care of her besides one dinner (or at least, she doesn't ask)? Because she finds her worth in caring for others while receiving very little in comparison. That is why their dynamic is that Claire is always giving and Carmy is always taking.

That is my theory. That's why many of her actions look both good-intentioned and manipulative because she is doing both. She wants to be loved in a very specific way after providing care and sacrificing a good deal herself. She wants to be loved because she does these things; that's how she earns it.

PART 3: ALWAYS SMILING

Gif de thoughtfulchaos773

She always makes this picture of perfect faces and soft smiles; a part of me wonders if she wants to display exactly that. She is inviting, always a calm and happy person, which is also on brand for someone who may have grown up finding worth in being pleasant to others. It is not like I hate pleasant female characters; I love a cinnamon roll any day, but this could be very performative, especially the way society pressures women to present themselves this way in order to be lovable. For Claire, this is the cherry on top of her masking to be a good caretaker, always available and welcoming.

This may also have a dark side. Why doesn't she recommend that Carmy seek professional help? Nobody wants to be confronted or hear that they are broken. She knows he may react negatively to her suggestion, so she doesn't do it; love is what she is after.

PART 4: CODEPENDENCY

This topic is huge, and I am gonna brush over it.

A person who only feels worth taking care of others will try to make the other person rely on them as much as possible. The party scene becomes dark-toned in this subtext. She brought him to a place where he felt like an outsider, she supported him in using a fake persona (ew), she knew there was gonna be alcohol there, didn't she feel bad that people may pressure him to drink, or she wanted to be his aid on the scenario (giving her the soft drink), she tried to make him fit in, even told him what to say in certain scenarios, especially when she was doing the thing she says she is so good at: taking care of the drunk friend. She kept bringing up in the phone conversation how much the Faks would be angry with him for rejecting her. She kept saying things like, "You could not have done this without me." Idk. Now that I keep thinking of the caregiver archetype, I can't unsee it.

Why did she leave that voicemail? Who says I love you for the first time in a voice message? On the opening day of the fucking restaurant? A very high-stress, demanding job, that day with so many things can go wrong?

Was it because she wanted her voice to comfort him during the most stressful times? The only comfort? Was she so sure that after all she had done for her, how could he not love her back?

PART 5: THE DOCTOR CONTRADICTION

This is to lomg, but to analyze Claire, I cannot ignore this part. I said this before in this post, but when Claire said:

I had to pause. That didn't sound like something a doctor would say. There is a reblog from @ciaonicole85 that I would like to quote:

I'm a healthcare provider, and I don't know anyone in my field who would say that setting a fire is cool. We're typically very respectful when talking about someone's dead family member, especially when suicide is a factor and mental health generally.

Then there is also the mention of discussing her classmate getting a broken arm in kindergarten. Quoting, again, from @brokenwinebox amazing post:

Claire: "When we were like six, she fell off a fence and broke her arm, and it scared the shit out of everybody. Except me, i just like sat there and stared at her arm." Carmy: "Cause you wanted to fix it?" Claire: "I wanted to understand it."

First of all, why is one thing exclusive to the other?  She said she wanted to understand it, almost as a priority to fix it. That is weird as fuck. She tried to make that distinction, that point. As @brokenwinebox mentioned, is this supposed to be a clue that she wants to understand more than fix? I think it is.

A little side note here, this line gave me a "I am not like other girls (or people for that matter)" vibe, because she made a point to say that everyone else freaked out but her, as if that made her extra brave or something, destined for what she does now, an emergency doctor, but no, a kid freaking out would be the most normal thing. The brave thing would have been asking for help, like wtf. But coming back to the point.

I am not saying Claire doesn't care about his patients or that she doesn't want to fix them. However, her dialogue displayed carelessness and ominous comments about other people getting hurt/sensible topics.

I don't think it's because she doesn't care but because she is attracted to risk. She mentioned she used to shoplift as a teen (I am not judging, but wtf). That surely will give her an adrenaline rush. She mentioned she likes driving because of the risk of it.

This also makes me think: Does she like Carmy because she thinks dating him can also be risky? Not in a dangerous context or anything, but because of how emotionally unreliable he is. There is a thing as always looking for emotionally unavailable people, and there is a psychological explanation for it, too.  

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Maybe s3 will prove me wrong.

Thank you so much for reading.

[tgmsunmontue]

Season to Taste - 15/? WIP

Explicit Hangster - Celebrity Chef Bradley and Naval Aviator Jake Seresin who have a relationship spanning the globe before they realize how tightly bound they are to one another. Heading into this little world.

PROLOGUE/ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE

TEN ELEVEN TWELVE THIRTEEN FORTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

                He laughs as he enters the restaurant, Leandro and Silvia’s voices calling out to him and he’s very aware that they’ve arranged a party later for his birthday and also his new residency visa. He hadn’t been paying attention, hadn’t thought about it, until Ice had raised it last year in one of their phone calls and told him that his passport was going to expire and he needed to maybe consider coming home. Except he’d been gone for nearly a decade and it didn’t feel like home anymore. He hadn’t been able to fathom it.

                Then Ice had brought all the paperwork to him, walking into the restaurant himself and Bradley had hugged him so tightly because the anger has long since faded but the pride at not wanting to apologize for running away was still there. He has no regrets about running away, or how his life has turned out so far. He’s happy and has found a big family that has just enveloped him and made him one of their own and he can’t imagine his life being better in any way. Vi is his best friend, along with Giacomo, the three of them doing a road trip to Roma to the American Embassy to apply for his new passport in the summer.         

                “What are going to do to celebrate?”

                “Well, I know it’s maybe a little dramatic, but I thought of getting a tattoo.”

                “Yeah? What of?”

                “I’ve got some ideas.”

…            …            …

                Bradley watches as Jake dips every single piece of potato into sauce before eating it. He can’t believe how comfortable and happy he feels right now. They clear away the plates and wash up, before settling on the sofa, Jake’s head in his lap. They’re going to watch documentaries, because that and movies are apparently the only thing Jake likes to watch, which explains why he’s never seen Bradley on TV if this is what he prefers. Bradley himself doesn’t usually have time to watch anything, so it’s nice, just the novelty of sitting there and enjoying being close to someone else. He doesn’t even notice he’s snuck his hand beneath Jake’s t-shirt and been rubbing his thumb back and forth softly over his stomach until Jake’s hand covers his and he stills, goes to almost apologize and move his hand but Jake’s hand is firm, holding Bradley’s hand in place.

                “You’ve already ordered off the menu tonight, are you that insatiable you’re going back for seconds?”

                “Technically I think it’s thirds. And you did call yourself an all you can eat buffet,” Bradley jokes, but he really hadn’t been aiming to start anything, had simply been enjoying touching and being close.

                “Well, this buffet is closed sorry. Maybe after I’ve had a couple hours sleep we can reassess.”

                Bradley shakes his head like he’s somehow disappointed despite it not being the case, and he grins down at Jake’s upside-down face.

                “Mmm… it’s okay. If it gets bad enough I can always go self-service.”

                Jake snorts and Bradley can’t help but grin, it’s easy and fun and while a little part of him is worried it’s going to burn fast and bright before crashing and burning he can’t find it in himself to care. He doesn’t want to miss out on the right-now because of something that might happen.

                “Oh no… no no no. Hmm, wait. Maybe I wouldn’t mind watching that. Was going to say I could take care of that for you, but maybe I’ll just be lazy and watch.”

                “Well, it’s all hypothetical anyway, I wasn’t actually angling for anything more than a kiss…”

                “Ah, well, I am always happy to kiss you. You know, sticking with your food and sex philosophy… for me sauce is like kissing. No one needs sauce to make the food taste better, sometimes the food can be amazing without it. And I can eat it without it. But I’m always going to want to add sauce…”

                “And you’re always going to want kissing too huh?”

                “I wouldn’t say no.”

                “Come here then…” Bradley says, and he’s smiling as he bends down and presses his lips against Jake’s, his entire body thrumming with happiness as Jake’s nose bumps his chin and he pulls back, a sudden thought occurring to him.

                “You wouldn’t have sauce with dessert would you?”

                “Leo, babe, dessert is all the hand-holding, and cuddling and gentle touches. Of course I want sauce with them.”

                Bradley blinks, shakes his head.

                “No, I mean actual real literal dessert, like brownie or… ice cream.”

                “Oh. Huh. Well… I haven’t tried sauce with any desserts, but also I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth. Maybe because I can’t add sauce.”

                “Mmm. You are pretty sweet already.”

                “Oh, I know dozens of people who would disagree with you there but I’m glad you think so. Don’t mind being sweet with you…”

…            …            …

                Other than their serious conversation about starting a relationship, they haven’t had any deep and meaningful conversations. Yet. Until yesterday afternoon when he’d picked Leo up from Maria’s and then… found himself dating the guy. They’ve spent four nights out of five together, nearly every meal, and he’s well aware that he’s pretty much living with Leo in his not-so-little rental accommodation for the duration of his stay. He likes that it’s a neutral space for the time being, which has been good. Especially as he doesn’t exactly have a place of his own, his bedroom in Nicola’s apartment not exactly the most useful of places when he wants to hook up with someone, mainly because the apartment also usually contains Nicola herself.

                But if he’s going to date Leo, try having a relationship with distance between them, then he wants to share his little piece of home in his sister’s apartment. Show Leo the farm properly, because he’d actually seemed pretty interested in that yesterday when he’d mentioned it. He already knows that Leo’s parents are a minefield, but he’s going to ask because he’s going to gut himself in return. He knows he’s going to have to share bits that don’t make him happy, if they’re going to actually going to make a serious go of this. But he’s going to start small.

                “So, want to tell me about why you have a giant fuck off rooster tattooed on your leg?”

                “You don’t want to make a couple of guesses first?” Leo asks, rolling in the bed and giving Jake a mischievous grin and eyebrow waggle. God the man is a giant dork.

                “Because you’re a cock?” Jake asks, trying to make his expression sweet.

                “Close…”

                “Well, you’re not doing any false advertising.”

                “It’s my family name.”

                Jake frowns, because okay, he knows Leo’s name is Bradley Bradshaw, but he answers to Leo just as easily, which he knows is short for Leonardo…

                “My Italian family name. It’s Gallo, which means… well, direct translation is rooster.”

                “And a non-direct translation?” Jake asks. Leo grins again, looking smug.

                “Strong voice… good in bed…”

                “Oh, so you are a cock.”

                “I did say you were close.”

…            …            …

                He has to leave Leo in bed, which sucks for so many reasons but Leo looks fucked out and happy, already half-asleep and Jake presses a kiss to his bare shoulder.

                “I’ll be back in a few hours. In time for lunch. Let me know if there’s anything you need from the farm or grocery store…”

                He gets a muffled grunt for his trouble and Leo just shoves his head further into the pillow. Jake grins and heads for the door. He should be gone for about four hours to help his sisters on the farm. They have workers, but there’s always more work to be done and while many of them have other jobs they’re all still local and he gets to leave for months on end, and not have to deal with the realities of… home. He still needs to talk to Leo about that. Try and have a conversation that doesn’t lead to them immediately fucking. It’s a tall order. Maybe that’s where the distance might be a good thing.

                He pulls his truck into the yard and looks around at the assembled vehicles and rolls his eyes. Fucking great. They’re all here, the Seresin-sister grapevine clearly working as intended. God, he hopes Leo was serious about not getting scared off easy. He’s never introduced someone to his sisters before. Not someone that he’s actually serious about, and for all the shaking up that Leo has done in the last week it’s like a snow globe slowly settling and revealing the scene. He likes the view so far.

                He sits in his truck and drums his fingers against the steering wheel, wonders if he should maybe just start it again and drive away. He wouldn’t put it past them to drive after him, although Sandra and Amanda probably have their kids with them, so they might not chase after him. He sucks in a breath and throws his shoulders back. He can do this. His sisters love him and it’s just going to be embarrassing and maybe he can get the worst of it out of the way now and tomorrow night, when they actually meet Leo, they’ll manage to not humiliate him.

                He won’t hold his breath.

SIXTEEN

[diakitty]

O!Ciel's real name and why not knowing it matters.

! Spoiler warning !

I want to share a thought that came to me about a year ago. Many fans of the manga "Black Butler" often wonder about the real name of O!Ciel (later, the young master) and put forth various theories on this matter. It sometimes gets to the point where people leave the fandom for a while, returning only to ask about the name reveal, completely losing interest in other, more significant events in the manga. Then I asked myself: do we really need to know his real name?

With this ring on not, I — «Ciel Phantomhive», am the head of the Phantomhive family. (Vol. 1, ch. 2)

In this article I will mainly use screenshots with the official English translation by Yen Press, as it can be challenging to find Japanese ones. Additionally, my knowledge of the Japanese is extremely limited. However, I also consult various Japanese sources and materials available on the internet. I am aware that even the official translation may not always be accurate. Toboso puts a lot of meaning into the text, and some of it may get lost in translation. However, in the context of this topic, there should not be any problems.

First, let's touch on an equally important thing, the very essence of names. Our name is what defines who we are. It represents our identity, our individuality. When you know someone's name, it breaks down barriers and makes the person feel more open and honest. Additionally, there are charactonyms, which are commonly used in the media. Charactonym already provide the viewer or reader with some information about the character and give them a chance to reflect on the character's personality. However, if a character doesn't have a name, it becomes more difficult to read through them. Does this apply to the young master? Let's find out.

(Vol. 13, ch. 62)

From the very beginning the young master hid a lot from us: his controversial motives and a mysterious past that was gradually revealed in the smallest details until it reached a turning point. At that moment, the reader realized that they didn't really know anything about him. It turns out that the younger Phantomhive has been deceiving everyone for a long time, including you.

(Vol. 26, ch. 129)

Why did the young master took his older brother's name after his death?

I've often heard people make the following assumptions:

He was an unloved child and envied his older brother.

To avoid legal issues and to get the inheritance and title right away.

For Ciel's sake.

The first one can be immediately put aside. The assumption that the younger brother was not so loved in the family is refuted by the manga itself, you don't even need to dig far.

(Vol. 26, ch. 133)

My sweet nephews. (Vol 3, ch 10)

The young master was loved no less than Ciel. People often suggest that he is an "unloved younger son", basing their argument on the following frame:

The young master deluding himself, succumbing to the manipulations of the demon. (Vol. 27, ch. 137)

However, no one told him that he was unloved and that they would be upset if he comes back. (Edited. I do believe there was some pressure with the whole heir thing, which planted seeds of doubt in a little child, but overall his family did loved him) He compared himself to Ciel. He looked up to him, but at the same time, he felt inferior and didn't see his own strengths. Instead focusing on his weaknesses. It was precisely because this child was not capable of loving himself that he decided that the (self-proclaimed) "weak spare" should not have survived.

The second assumption also irrelevant, because the young master had no idea of becoming the first heir and taking on the role of the queen's watchdog. He didn't let the fact of not becoming an earl get to him. Instead, he decided on what he wanted to dedicate his future to, aiming to become a worthy younger son that everyone would be proud of.

(Vol. 26, ch. 132)

And the third assumption is the one I personally follow!

(Vol. 28, ch. 140)

The young master suffered a lot during that time time in the cult, which greatly weakened his mental state and worldview, but he wasn't a bad child. He loved his older brother, even more than himself. That's why he decided that only Ciel deserved to be saved. He buried his true self and became Ciel, strong and invincible, the kind of Ciel that his older brother could not become.

(Vol. 27, ch. 137)

And I think that at that moment everything we knew about the young master, his motivation and the name itself began to take on new meanings.

(Vol 2, ch. 8)

The younger brother is gone. He disappeared forever, along with the essence of the real Ciel. Only "Earl Ciel Phantomhive" remains...

〞Earl Ciel Phantomhive〟— is I! (Vol. 28, ch. 147)

...And that's all we need to know.

Will the reveal of the young master's real name affect anything?

...No. It will just ruin all the charm and depth of this story, nothing more. The young master rose to prominence, becoming the owner of the esteemed company «Phantom» and the queen's watchdog. He took on the name Earl Ciel Phantomhive, leaving his past behind. After all, we cannot retrieve what we have lost. I am completely sure that the name will not be revealed, no matter how much some people would want to.

Other characters whose real names we don't know.

It's funny that while going on and off about the name of the young master, everyone seems to forget that there are still many characters in this story whose names we don't know. Without going far, we have Sebastian, Undertaker, most of the circus troupe. Moreover, we don't know if they have names at all. Take Sebastian as an example — he was given a name of the young master's dog. We know that this is not his true name, as he could have served many other people who gave him different names. Do we need to know the specific names? No, it doesn't affect anything. All that matters to us is that he is now Sebastian, the faithful dog of the young master.

I can only believe that the Undertaker's name will be revealed at some point in the future. It may be very significant in the context of his background.

And that's all. While being part of the fandom, I managed to see only one person who, like me, does not consider it necessary to know the young master's birth name. Therefore, I hope that someone else will find my thoughts on this matter interesting. Thank you for reading! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

[karmathehalflander]

Why both Eddie and Venom are autistic and how the movies are actually a metaphor for neurodivergence

Includes some of my personal headcanons and concepts that I’ve been thinking about and need to share.

BE WARNED!!! This post is a bit long (and also a cringy, rambling, nonsensical mess) full thing under cut.

Some quick notes before we begin: when I have one of their names at the beginning of a section it means anything in that section only applies to one of them. (Idk, I couldn’t figure out how to organize this, you’ll see what I mean)

I don’t know much comic lore, all of this is based off of the movies. Though the movies are a different universe so I don’t think it will matter too much.

Also I use He/They/It pronouns for Venom.

In the end, Im just one guy with a hyper fixation please take everything I say with a grain of salt and feel free to add on or correct me about stuff. Especially if I say anything stereotypical or offensive about nurodivergance/autism a lot of this is based on some personal experience and I absolutely make mistakes and generalizations.

Alright enough of my yapping let’s get to it.

Overall big picture stuff

Applies to Both of them

the whole concept of them being “losers” together is kind of autistic coded. Autistic people are often viewed as incompetent or childish or useless. And I like to think they are connecting over that shared experience.

Noise sensitivity!!! Both of them have noise sensitivity! I probably don’t need to elaborate that much but that one scene in their apartment was some of the best overstimulation representation I’ve ever seen overstimulation guitar scene

Venom

Venom comes across as unfeeling because they don’t emote in a “normal” way.

They’re very blunt and literal.

Venom sometimes has a slightly higher-pitched voice when excited or angry. Which I’m going to attribute to him masking. He wants to appear tougher and scarier. This is important to its species and Venom, who is already perceived as weak by their peers, intentionally deepens his voice a bit to blend in. (This is definitely a headcanon but I love this concept so I don’t care that the real reason is that the voice modifier they use does silly things)

This is also why I think it’s so concerned about Eddie and him “looking bad” Looking weak was dangerous and they trained themself to hide “weakness”

It’s always “How does Venom affect people” and never “What does Venom need and how do other people’s actions affect them”

Venom prefers to express its thoughts and feelings through mental connection with its host and then have that person relay the information to whomever they are “speaking” to. Nonverbal communication!

Venom not understanding humans (social interaction, conventions, etc.) is kind of autistic coded.

Eddie

Edie kind of disregards a lot of social conventions. Still hangs out with his ex-fiancé AND her boyfriend. He also doesn’t seem to mind talking to Venom out loud.

Eddies is just kind of anxious in general.

Eddie struggles to find full time employment.

On that vein, he also struggles to maintain relationships.

Eddie's sense of justice. Eddie has a strong sense of justice and morals that often don’t align with generally accepted values and he follows this view of justice and morality to an absurd degree and it often gets him in trouble. Aka, the entire plot of the first movie is because Eddie has autism.

He wears the same clothes all the time.

Specific moments that I think about

Venom

Venom chewing on the tire swing (they both have oral stims btw)

Sand between his toes. Idk I just thought it was cute and chose to believe they like the sensation.

Say it with me. Tater tots are a safe food!!!

Venom rocks back and forth a lot.

This is a stretch but when Venom is like “look at all these weirdos, my kind of people” it’s a metaphor for him being queer but I’d argue it also kind of fits with neurodivergence. Neurodivergent people often connect with “weirdos” (other neurodivergent people)

Likes organization “Pile of bodies, pile of heads”

Eddie

I’ve been told Eddie chews on his necklace at the beginning of the movie but I can’t find the clip and can’t do a rewatch right now so take that with a grain of salt… (I chose to believe this happened though. Also his bracelets are stim heaven)

When he says “Oh, I have a parasite” to Mrs. Chen he had no clue what to say here. He just said the first thing that came to mind and panicked instead of explaining.

Also the way he says things funny. Ex: “✨It’s a treeeee✨” supa, supa, fhasstt” “Heee…. has. one. up. hi’s. Ass toooooo” “ET. Phone home. Aliens? 😃” I chose to believe they are vocal stims (I also attempted to find a compilation but I couldn’t find any. Maybe I’ll make one sometime)

Eddie also makes sound effects a lot.

Eddie writes notes on pen and paper instead of digitally.

He apologizes an excessive amount. Like he says “I’m sorry” to people actively trying to kill him. Which is so real.

“I just bit that guys head off” “I, uhhh, yea I’ve been there it’s not fun” 😕

Eddie also rocks back and forth. Which can be seen in this scene

Quick segment into why I think Venom was rejected by other Klyntar (it’s because he has autism)

Venom doesn’t adapt as quickly or as efficiently as other Klyntar. It doesn’t handle change well.

All of the normal Klyntar weaknesses are turned up to 1000 with them. Instead of just certain frequencies, the range that hurts him is larger and is also affected by loud noises. As shown by: “Venom” car alarm scene

instead of just fire, heat also bothers it. Also doesn’t adapt to light well. (Just a headcanon)

Can’t create weapons out of their body like other Klyntar. struggles with “simple” skills.

Much more emotional than other Klyntar and develop attachments (also purely a headcanon)

Just overall didn’t fit well into their society.

Just headcanons

Venom and Eddie are so compatible because their brains work the same way.

“I wish I could just mentally project my thoughts and feelings directly into your brain. Oh wait, we can do that!”

Venom also has temperature sensitivities. He gets hot.

Venom likes to stim to low key music, mainly jazz and lo-fi. Does the one song on repeat for three hours to wring all the happy chemicals out of it like a dish rag thing.

Venom also absolutely loves cheesy pop music (unrelated to anything here but I’m right and I needed to include it)

Venom functions as a weighted blanket for Eddie when he’s anxious. Maybe even hides under his shirt and stuff and becomes an extra weight.

Eddie stims with his jewelry.

Venom likes to sit in the freezer. Sometimes they visit Mrs. Chen's walk in just to chill (lol)

Purely my opinion but I think Venom also has some light sensitivity for a bit because it’s not used to being in such a bright environment. He gets used to it eventually but every once in awhile he finds the city lights overstimulating.

They are both very tactile. Touching things. Love a good texture.

Venom is super particular about food for someone who eats out the garbage but certain textures and flavors drive them crazy.

Venom hates vegetables. (Except for celery because it likes the crunchy and stringyness of it)

How all of this makes for a great metaphor!

Feeling like an alien in the world is probably the most relatable thing for a lot of nurodivergent people. Like there’s a manual for being human you don’t have. And just the concept of a literal alien showing up and struggling to navigate in a world not made for it is so relatable!

The way they both immediately connect to each other because they have the same weird brain stuff and weren’t accepted by their respective societies is so adorable and wholesome.

“We’re not so different, you and I” This line lives rent-free in my mind at all times. It’s my favorite quote. I think it perfectly encapsulates their relationship and why it’s special. They have autism and are bonding because the other is the first person who truly understands them! (Cries, screams, throws up)

In conclusion

They are in love and have autism. And they cling to each other because they are the first people to truly understand each other. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Also I listened to UFO by Smith and Thell on loop while writing this. It’s very autistic symbrock coded so give it a listen if you’re a fan of inde-pop.

[waytooinvested]

Forgotten, Not Forgiven - Chapter 26

This and previous chapters are also on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lena was perhaps unreasonably proud of the small cup of lime jello she had managed to get her hands on, and bore it back to Kara with the air of a conquering hero bringing home the holy grail.

In her defence, it had been a mission to find. At L-Corp all she would have to do would be to buzz the request through to Jess, and within 15 minutes she would have had half a dozen different brands and flavours on her desk to choose from, but here at the DEO she had to do it the hard way. It turned out that surprisingly few of the very serious field agents, scientists and tech geniuses that worked at this particular top secret government organisation brought jello to work with them for lunch, and even fewer still had it untouched at 2.30pm. In fact, this applied to exactly one person in the entire building, as far as Lena had been able to ascertain: Ms Ewa Jagoda, alien toxicology specialist, jello enthusiast, and Lena’s official new favourite DEO lab technician.

She had intended to present the jello with a dramatised retelling of her misadventurous quest, both to keep up her own distraction and to make Kara laugh, but in the time she had been gone it seemed visiting hour had opened up. On one side of the bed J’onn was talking to Kara with a paternal expression that mingled stern and concerned in equal measure, while beside him Kelly gently combed the last traces of dried blood and street dust from her hair. Across from them Nia and Brainy were good naturedly bickering over the ideal placement and wording for a leg cast signature, passing a marker back and forth between them without stopping their debate long enough to actually write anything down. It was such a familiar scene, all of them talking over each other and cracking jokes, that it took a moment for Lena to work out what was wrong with it. Then it hit her: Nia, Brainy, J’onn, Kelly, Kara, but no Alex.

She was here, in the room, but rather than being gathered in by the bedside she was standing off to one side, leaning up against the wall with Kara’s chart in her hand. She had washed the tear tracks from her face at some point since they’d talked, but it did nothing to disguise the lingering redness around her eyes or the ragged scabbiness of a lower lip chewed to the point of bleeding one too many times. She was ostensibly making medical notes, but the fact that her gaze remained fixed on one point and she never actually put pen to paper suggested otherwise. Alex was clearly not okay.

Lena glanced briefly over at Kara, the part of her heart that always tugged in that direction urging her to move towards the bedside, to claim a place beside her, take hold of her hand and never let it go. Today of all days with her fear and shock still roiling just below the surface the instinct was difficult to ignore, but Lena managed to hold back. Kara was in the midst of a game of tic tac toe with Kelly on her otherwise still unsigned cast, and seemed happy with the company of her friends. She didn’t need Lena right now, and after a second or two more of silent internal wrestling, she made her way over to the elder Danvers sister instead.

‘Hey. All okay?’ she murmured, keeping her voice low enough not to draw anyone else’s attention to the question.

‘Huh?’

Alex stopped tapping the end of her pen against her teeth and looked at Lena distractedly, blinking slowly back from whatever thoughts had been absorbing her.

‘Oh, yeah, it’s all fine. She’s doing as well as we could reasonably hope for at this stage without you-know-whats, and there’s no internal damage to speak of. She should make a full recovery.’

‘That’s great news, but I actually meant you… no offence Alex, but you look awful.’

Alex snorted.

‘Thanks a lot Luthor. Do you actually know what no offence means?’

For once Lena hadn’t actually been trying to be provoking, but Alex had clearly taken the comment as part of their usual banter and huffed back at her, giving her a little poke in the ribs with the chewed end of her pen as if the comment had been a dire insult. Lena briefly considered apologising, but it was good to see the vague, distant expression transformed into Alex’s comfortably familiar trademark Luthor v. Danvers snark-battle scowl.

If she had been talking to Kara, or Jess, or even Sam, Lena probably would have gentled her approach at this point even so. She was concerned for her friend, and wanted to take care of her as best she could in their current circumstances. But she suspected that despite her protestations Alex, like Lena herself, would not want to be coddled right now. Breaking down in a roomful of people (even people you loved) was humiliating, and there was nothing that could bring down walls so effectively as someone being sweet to you when you were trying to be strong. So Lena wasn’t sweet. She folded her arms and met Alex’s glower with an unyielding look of her own.

‘Well, I’m not wrong.’

Alex narrowed her eyes, preparing to argue, but then apparently decided she didn't have the energy for it. She hugged the chart to her chest like it might somehow shield her, and let the scowl drop.

‘Yeah.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘There’s nothing to talk about, really. It just- it feels different this time, you know? I’ve been here so many times before it should just feel like another day at the office, but it never does, and somehow this one’s worse than usual. For all the… incidents… we’ve had, they’re almost always in the midst of world ending fights where a certain amount damage is expected, and most times the injured party is back to normal within a few hours. But this- it’s not meant to be like this. I know we’ll find a way to fix it eventually, but what if-’

Alex broke off, unable to say more with the risk of being overheard so acute, but Lena didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence to know what came next. Alex was scared that Kara would hurt herself again before they found a cure to return her invulnerability, and that next time this happened she wouldn’t be so lucky. Lena was scared of that too.

‘I know.’

They stood together in silent solidarity for a few moments, then Alex nudged her again.

‘I was going to return the compliment and point out in great detail all the ways you look awful, but you actually don’t. You look… weirdly unruffled. Like, unnaturally so. And as much as that makes me want to rough you up a little to even things out, I’m guessing this is just that thing you do, and at some point it’s going to break and become a full on freak out?’

Lena could have denied it, insisted that she really was totally fine: another day, another near death experience for herself or a loved one; but at some point in their re-aquaintenceship and without her noticing it happening, things had shifted so far with Alex that bluffing would have been pointless. She knew her too well for that now. Besides, after their afternoon of breaking things together there was an element of camaraderie to their shared turmoil, and Lena found she didn’t even want to lie about it. So she shrugged.

‘That’s the plan, yes. It’s on my to do list for when I leave here, actually.’

‘On your- y’know, if anyone but you or Brainy said that I’d assume they were speaking figuratively, but-’

Lena pulled out her phone and navigated quickly into her personal calendar, smirking as she held it out to show Alex the 15 minute block labelled ‘Feel Things’ she had entered for this evening. It wasn’t serious, obviously. She might be a Luthor, but even she couldn’t plan her emotional breakdowns quite so precisely. It was more like a promise to herself, and a reminder that while she needed to keep a handle on herself right now, maybe putting everything into a box and never looking at it again wasn’t how she wanted to deal with things anymore, and at some point that meant she was going to have to feel it (later though. Much later. And alone). It had also been a whim that she had only indulged in order to kill a few extra seconds while she waited for the elevator to carry her and her newly acquired jello back to this level, and one she probably would have deleted in embarrassment given another hour or so. Now though, as Alex choked on her laughter at the sight of it, she was glad she hadn’t.

‘You actually did. Jeez Luthor, the inside of your brain must be really-’

‘Lena, hey!’

Up until now they had been conversing barely above a whisper, but at the bright peel of Alex’s laughter Kara had looked up from her game and at last realised Lena was back in the room. Her bruised face lit up with a lob-sided, swollen lipped grin that could equally have been for Lena or the vibrantly green dessert she was holding. It was painfully endearing, and like a moth to a flame Lena took an automatic step towards it, then paused and turned back to Alex.

‘Hey… if you want to get drunk about this later, I have a $2000 dollar bottle of scotch with our names on it. Just say the word.’

Alex blinked at her – she was usually the one to reach out to make plans, while Lena was the one being coaxed into them, it had never happened this way round before. She smiled, a quieter version of Kara’s surround sound beam, and a little of her weariness seemed to fall away.

‘Yeah, okay... I’ll text you.’

‘Do.’

Then Lena gave in to Kara’s magnetic pull and made her way swiftly to the bedside, jello cup held out in front of her like an offering.

‘I can’t believe you actually found this for me! I realised after you were gone that the pain meds were maybe making me a bit loopy and there was no way you could actually get jello without trekking a mile out to the nearest grocery store. But you did! You are officially the best.’

Kara balanced the pot on the edge of her cast, freeing her good hand long enough to give Lena’s a grateful squeeze, their fingers curling together so naturally that the idea of letting go seemed impossible. But then Brainy held out the spoon that he had apparently (inexplicably, since no one had told him Lena was off looking for jello) thought to bring with him into the room, and the moment passed.

It would have been ridiculous to feel a little pang of loss as Kara withdrew her warm fingers from hers, so Lena didn’t. She looked round at everyone else and used her empty hand to wave at them all instead, as if that was why it had been held out in the first place.

‘Hi.’

J’onn and Brainy responded with smiles, nods and murmured greetings, and Kelly pulled Lena into a quick hug. She was just relaxing into it when Nia followed up her friendly ‘hey’ with ‘aren’t you meant to be out of town until tomorrow though? Did you cancel your big press thing?’ and Lena stiffened.

As one everyone in the room turned to look at her, Kelly’s arm going slack around her tense shoulders and Kara freezing with a heaped spoonful of jello quivering just outside her open mouth. The question was clearly well intentioned, but Lena still wished Nia hadn’t asked it. It made it hard to keep ignoring the twisting in her insides that was determinedly trying to remind her just what a big deal this might have been for L-Corp.

‘I didn’t cancel. They didn’t need me for the product demo anyway, and I had someone step in to give my speech. It’s all taken care of... But if anyone asks, I’m currently recovering from an emergency appendectomy.’

She forced a chuckle, trying to break the tension and make it a joke, but it fell flat, and Kara dropped her over-laden spoon back into its pot with a soft, dismayed splat.

‘You told them you had appendicitis? I’m so sorry you had to do that for me when I’m not even badly hurt, and it was all my own stupid fault. I feel awful.’

‘Oh no, Kara, this one was all me.’ Alex finally abandoned her post by the wall to reassure her sister, stepping in to stand beside Brainy and casting guilty glances between Kara (bruised and now slightly jello spattered but very much alive and more or less well) and Lena (still dressed in her presentation outfit and probably wearing a fixed grimace of discomfort from all the attention, though apparently not enough of one to divert it).

‘Lena, I’m the one that asked you to come back without thinking about what else you were in the middle of. I’m sorry for putting you in a difficult position when we didn’t even know how bad it was yet.’

Lena frowned. ‘If you hadn’t told me I would be plotting where to bury your murdered body right now, as I’m sure you would me if our positions had been reversed. It was my choice to drop everything and I’m glad I did, so please, don’t worry about it.’

She meant what she said, but it didn’t diminish the unease that still writhed in her belly at the reminder of just how abruptly she had abandoned the press conference. She wondered how Jess had gotten on without her, and whether Raj and Amanda had managed the product demo as smoothly as they had in previous events. Had there been questions they couldn’t answer? Had anyone pressed the issue of Lena’s sudden non-attendance? She hadn’t talked to many people ahead of the event, but enough of the staff had seen her looking not at all like someone about to collapse with a ruptured appendix that it was possible her story was going to be interrogated.

Still, there was nothing she could do about any of that right now. She needed to focus on Kara for the moment, and when she got home later she would start on damage control. She’d call Jess to check she was alright after being thrown to the metaphorical wolves. She’d make sure her bonus was processed right away, and maybe order a muffin basket or something as an extra thank you. Then she would go through the conference footage and draft something for the press to smooth over anything that needed smoothing. Whatever had happened, Lena could deal with it. And even if the whole thing had been the worst PR disaster imaginable, she was still glad she had made the decision she had. If Kara had been more badly hurt, if she had died without her while Lena was off talking to the press, she would never have been able to forgive herself.

She did her best to focus back in on the conversation the others were having, which had thankfully moved on from Lena to the best flavour of jello (black cherry, or else anything with a bit of zing to balance out the sweetness. Strawberry was also acceptable, but Brainy’s assertion that it was berry blue was preposterous, and frankly objectionable), and what exactly it was about it that made it so satisfying to eat (the jiggles, obviously).

After twenty minutes or so Alex said that Kara was looking tired, and as her doctor she thought they’d better all leave her to rest now, so one by one the others hugged her (carefully), told her how glad they were that she was alright, then filed out the room. Lena reluctantly made to do the same, but Kara held on when she moved to straighten from the hug.

‘Stay with me a little while longer? I’m not too tired for you.’

She shuffled over on her mattress as best she could, patting the space beside her invitingly.

‘I should probably at least sit on the chair, I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘You won’t hurt me. Besides, being in pain makes me kind of needy, and I want to be held… if you’d be okay with that?’

Lena felt her lower lip tremble slightly with the request. There was nothing in the world she wanted right now as much as she wanted to hold Kara, but it wasn’t going to make keeping her feelings in under control any easier…

But maybe it didn’t matter.

Maybe she didn’t care anymore.

Screw her carefully scheduled slot to feel things only once she was safely alone. Kara had nearly died today, and they both needed this too much to deny it.

Lena kicked off her stilettos, taking a beat to savour the sudden reduction of pain as her feet dropped back into their natural position and her toes wriggled gratefully against the cold linoleum. The small concession to comfort felt so good that after a moment’s consideration she followed it up by shrugging out of her blazer, untucking her shirt and loosening her tight chignon before finally easing herself into the space Kara had made for her, moving slowly to avoid jostling any injured parts. As soon as Lena’s arm was in place around her shoulders Kara relaxed into the embrace, a long, quiet breath escaping her lips in a sigh that could have been pain or relief or simple exhaustion.

‘Thank you. I know you probably have other places to be right now, but I’m really grateful for you staying here with me like this.’

Lena pulled her in a little closer, the physical contact making her feel suddenly, absurdly protective, as if she could somehow retroactively keep Kara from getting hurt just by holding her close enough.

‘Forget other places to be, I don’t want to let you out of my sight. Look what happened last time.’

‘Well, I don’t think I’m very likely to get in much trouble from here.’

‘I wouldn’t put it past you after what happened today. What if you decide hospital bed stair surfing would be a good idea next?’

It was meant to be a joke, but the tone came out all wrong and it didn’t feel like one to Lena. At this point she wasn’t sure she could put anything past this version of Kara who seemed to have all of Supergirl’s recklessness and none of her invincibility, and the thought made her simultaneously sick with worry and hot with anger that Kara could treat her life so casually. It was one thing when she was saving the world, but this risk had been so pointless.

Kara however either missed or willfully ignored her tone, taking what she’d said at face value and grinning the mischievous grin that would usually make Lena melt, playing along as if their situation was perfectly normal.

‘Now there’s an idea. I bet if you took a run up and pushed I could get up enough speed to make it all the way down without rolling.’

‘KARA!’

Lena’s voice cracked, and Kara’s smile faded as she finally noticed the tears glimmering on her lashes.

‘Hey… Lena, I’m just kidding.’

She knew that, of course. Downplaying and making light of traumatic events was Kara’s default coping mechanism, and she hadn’t even really been the one to start it this time… But still, it tore at the walls Lena was maintaining around her feelings and grated at her frayed nerves. The anger she had been trying so hard to tell herself wasn’t there stirred again, hot and desperate insider her, and she snapped:

‘Don’t. Not about this.’

She met Kara’s eyes as the expression in them finally began to lose its playful twinkle, but it wasn’t enough. She needed her to feel it, and Lena poured every ounce of sincerity she dared to express into her next words.

‘Kara... I’m furious with you for jumping off that roof. You understand that, right? I’m too relieved and you’re too hurt for me to yell at you about it, but I also can’t listen to you joke like it’s nothing. If you died it would break me. And if you died because of something so stupid-’

‘I won’t.’

Kara’s interruption forestalled the rest of Lena’s admonishment, but she wasn’t quite ready to leave it at that. She needed to hear her say it properly.

‘You won’t what?’

‘I won’t joke anymore. You’re right, it’s not fair on you. I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if it was the other way round, if it was you who had-’

Kara broke off with what probably would have been a shudder if not for her sore muscles, and nudged in a little closer against Lena’s side.

‘I promise I won’t do anything like this again. I really am sorry for what happened, I swear I never meant to cause all this trouble.’

‘So... why did you do it? I know you’ve been enjoying climbing and paragliding and the rest, but you must have known how reckless this was. What got into you Kara?’

‘I’ve been asking myself that ever since I woke up here, and the answer is… I honestly don’t know. Looking back I can see that it was a stupid thing to do, but it didn’t feel reckless to me at the time. I can’t explain it in a way that makes any sense, but when I was doing it, it just felt like I couldn’t fall. Like gravity wasn’t even an issue for me, and the air would catch me and carry me where I needed to go. Up on that rooftop I felt so close to- I don’t know, something. It was like if I just went on a little bit longer, jumped a little bit further, everything would click, and I wouldn’t need to keep chasing that feeling anymore… Urgh, that sounds so crazy. Maybe I am crazy.’

Lena softened at once.

‘Oh darling, of course you’re not.’

Actually, the explanation made far too much sense, and she couldn’t even really blame Kara for it (well alright, she could. Kara was still an adult supposedly capable of rational decision making who had jumped off a damned roof. But maybe it wasn’t just her fault). After all, Lena was the one that had poked a hole in her mental barrier without understanding how it worked and let just enough of Supergirl leak out to make Kara feel like she could fly without any of the actual accompanying powers to back it up. She was also the one that had made Kara promise to wait until they’d researched proper abseiling techniques, then failed to follow through and help her find a safe outlet when it was obviously something she badly needed. And she was the one who still, after months working on the problem, hadn’t found a way to bring back Kara’s memories and physical invulnerability to make sure something like this couldn’t happen to her in the first place.

Kara must be so confused...

‘It was probably just the adrenaline high, you got carried away. I’m sure you’re not the first person to experience that, and you won’t be the last. And as long as that was your last, I won’t keep going on about it anymore. I’m just glad you’re going to be alright.’

‘Me too. And it’s definitely the last, I’ve learned my lesson.’

The remains of Lena’s anger at her best friend drained away, and she let her head fall back into the pillows behind them in relief.

‘That’s okay then.’

[pr3ttyp1nkvrse]

my persistence journey whilst in school. i am living breathing proof that ur persistence is ur method .. 8.25

since may i had applied for housing through my school. it had a waitlist, if my number was not called or chosen i would be left with no housing, and unfortunately it is a lot to handle paying rent and expenses for school all at the same time, i am an out of state student to add insult to injury lol. i still applied, and enrolled in classes for the next semester though (current)

i told everyone how horrible i felt about being in school though due to going through a major loss in my family.

i began to wallow in my sadness.. becoming so depressed. when i say i had nothing, i had NOTHING. then one day it rained while i was at work, nasty muddy i was so annoyed i got rained on at work and then .. i am not joking, i saw a double rainbow.. i looked at all the small things i had for the simple fact the sight of the rainbow was so beautiful.

a job, runnin water, a bed to sleep in, a phone to call, amazing followers on tumblr that were in the same persisting phase as me..

i started living for these things. i put my heart into everything, i became so mentally well put together i was ready for the school year even in the summer i started being active on my blog and all …

but then

i never heard anything back from my school. all my friends were getting housing assignments left and right and little ole me was getting NADA.. no emails, no calls from the school. i then called my school and they told me basically, i needed 12k more to attend my school. mind you, no housing already, and they began to drop me from all my classes. this began to become a distraction within my journey. i thought back to my original thoughts of how i spoke not going back into existence by living in negativity, so i really let this situation take a bigger toll on me believing i was gonna find a solution.

but yk what else ? i began to type on this very blog. i told yall, and i told myself I HAVE EVERYTHING. even when i looked at 3D .. and didn’t see anything.. only obstacles. i began to think well … what DO i have to get me out of this?

i have my mind .. i have ME!!

i missed the first week of classes and decided, this will not be the year i quit at ANYTHING. especially my DREAMS!! why would i ? because i went through something? news flash WE ALL DO! ITS THE CYCLE OF LIFE.

i marched to my school that same week, little 2 hour flight. thinking, they gonna have to give me something not because i deserve it and want this but because I SAID SO. I SAID I CAN SO I WILL! i cleared my mind though.. i never one time thought of what it was gonna look like if this situation did not work out for me in the best way.

long story short. i went back and forth between multiple buildings for three hours for them to tell me what they told me from the start. but i wasn’t compromising with that story. i sat in the financial aid office, as the worker is infront of me checking everything imagining a miracle .. visualizing them handing me my keys.

and sure enough. he told me they made a mistake on their end this entire time, i recieved the best on campus housing assignment! and that’s not by my standards, i genuinely got the best place everyone hopes to get. i didn’t think of the large pool of students my school had, seeing as one person coulda easily filled my spot.

i learned that

1. the tongue is POWER.

2. when i have nothing, that’s not true, i have ME.

3. don’t just persist, don’t take no for an answer and RUN for what your after. don’t just ask or hope for it!

4. you don’t have to be the happiest person in the world, but it helps to be positive when all you have is your mind, body, and soul.

5. be strong. don’t give up .. even when i was in a situation where i had to sit out from classes, abruptly get up and travel but i STILL believed there had to be something for me .. no crumbs .. a full meal covered in aluminum foil that i simply had to wrap off.

you got this. and i am PROUD at how far we’ve come TOGETHER. the universe is working for them, me, you, us.

-biggest B, senior year <3

also.. thank you all for the reblogs. it’s not many, but i know my post are reaching some and that means the world to me. i hope i’ve impacted you all in some way. even if small.

[everybodyknows-everybodydies]

okay so before I can talk about some things I have to establish some other things, and I'm shaking all the bees out of my brain today with great vigor, which means, without further ado: a brief overview of How Does Restoration Work (according to people named Mouse who are me)

point zero: for the most part, simplistically, each school of magic can be thought of as a manipulation of something. enchanting and conjuration fall under different strains of manipulation of souls, illusion as manipulation of the mind, and so forth. restoration is manipulation of the body.

now first (and this might be stating the obvious lol, but I have to state it): it does not work 1:1 exactly like it does in-game. people do not actually have the handy-dandy HP bar, illness/injury does not translate to a single number ticking downwards, and healing is definitely not just "make number go back up" in a matter of seconds. when you're at a point where a hypothetical HP bar would be nearly depleted, anything that's fast is not going to have the kind of long-term payoff that you need, but it might get you somewhere safer so you have the time to dedicate to actually properly healing.

secondly: in order to fix something, you have to know how it works. magic is a tool; any tool is only as effective as whoever is wielding it. it doesn't take a lot of knowledge to close a paper cut that didn't even bleed, but a severed tendon is going to be a very different story. an accomplished healer must have extensive knowledge of the body and its various systems in order to ensure their healing attempt is not going to inadvertently cause a whole slew of other problems. doctors today go through over a decade of schooling and training; in the US at least you're looking at a minimum of four years of premed, four years of med school, and three to seven years of residency. personally I think healers should also be the school of magic that requires the longest time spent learning because... there IS so much to learn! an additional note is that restoration has the benefit we do not of being magic, though: I think that in a world where healing is executed largely through the hands with magic, it stands to follow that you are not going to want to physically open someone up every time you need to check something inside the body, and so for my purposes this leads us to healers cultivating a specialized, passive sense of the bodily interior through touch. I've described this previously as a bit like echolocation as magic is channelled through the body and allows the healer a sort of "sixth sense" of precisely what's going on and where, though an in-universe analog might be a highly-refined version of "detect life".

(but Mouse, one might say, that's not a restoration spell! correct! the classification of magic is arbitrary! now put a pin in that thought because it will be important at a later date. not today though stay with me here.)

thirdly: as any tool should not be alone in the toolbox, magic can be used as a supplement or supplemented by mundane resources. if you have the time for it, an open wound will benefit from being stitched together to hold shape before applying magical healing, resulting in the need to produce far less scar tissue than a wound that you try to heal without closing it first. you still need to know how to use a tourniquet, how to handle a dislocated shoulder, how to drain an abscess, etc. just like you wouldn't whip out your power tools to hang a single photo frame, you have to know when to rely on magical healing and when to take whatever steps you can non-magically.

fourthly: magical healing has limits. manipulation of the body is not an all-powerful solution. no deus ex machina healing here. the two major restrictions are (1) the body's natural capabilities, and (2) the body's preexisting material. a body is capable of much more than we generally achieve in day-to-day life and nobody is running at 100% capacity 24/7 (because you would die, very fast). restoration can amplify measures that are already in place, such as stimulating platelet clotting/fibrin production over a cut to scab it over rapidly - and then, if taken further, providing the energy for tissue repair to move entirely from cut to scab to scar. crucially you will note that you cannot skip a stage! the healer is using what the body already has available, just allowing it to happen on a compressed timescale by boosting the energy available and providing external direction. there is a LOT of potential regarding what a healer could be capable of just by stimulating production of different hormones or shuffling brain chemistry alone. but! to reiterate! restoration is manipulative, not additive: a healer may be able to reattach a limb if they get to you in time, but they can't grow you a new arm out of nothing.

fourthly, subpoint: magical healing has cost, for both the healer and the patient. the more severe the injury/illness is, the longer it will take to heal and to recover fully from the expedited healing process, and thus the more energy the healer has to expend. a healer is limited most sharply by the depth of their own magicka reserve; practicing to expand the amount of magicka one has access to is just as fundamental a skill as learning anatomy and physiology. this is why most healers don't work alone! being able to literally split up the work - I'll take the broken leg; you focus on the slipped rib - reduces the probability of running out of magicka mid-patient and allows for fewer required follow-up sessions to ensure recovery is proceeding the way it should.

(fourthly, sub-subpoint: this is also why Colette Marence, the only professional healer in Winterhold, deserves a significant raise and a vacation and if anyone asks "is there a healer around" somebody ELSE can take care of it for once-)

fifthly: potions! we know that alchemical concoctions are a separate beast entirely from magic as executed by a mage - namely, I point here to spell absorption/spell reflection not being triggered by drinking a potion. this could take us down a separate rabbit hole about alchemy tapping into the innate magicka stored in reagents and the way THAT works, but for now the relevant question is: how does a healing potion differ from a healing spell? primarily the difference is capacity for intent and direction: a healer, being a person, can focus in on the specific site of injury and identify exactly what's wrong and exactly what steps need to be taken to fix it most efficiently. a potion does not have this capacity for specificity and is instead subject to the direction of the body's natural systems. ingested, it will be dispersed through the digestive system and through the bloodstream; applied as a salve it may work faster, but this usage is limited to external injuries. strong healing potions therefore are great for boosting your natural healing capacities long enough to get you to an actual healer for more serious cases, and may be all someone relies on for less serious cases - similar to using over-the-counter medication for a cold versus going to see a doctor for bronchitis.

tldr: restoration IS a perfectly valid school of magic, and just because it emphasizes mundane knowledge alongside esoteric magical knowledge does not make it any less fascinating or worthwhile. thank you <3

[robinsno1lesbian]

𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐎 𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐎 - 𝐍.𝐖.

older!nancy wheeler x babysitter!fem!reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: babysitting for nancy wheeler means getting fucked by her as a reward.

��𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 5261

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 18+ mature content! (MDNI), implied age gap (reader is 18+!!), idk if that needs a warning but reader gets insecure for a second, mention of oral sex, fingering, finger sucking, praise kink, dirty talk, mommy kink, strap-ons, not proofread (very rushed ending because i just wanted to finish it lmao)

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: happy (belated) mother's day to our favorite milf! 💋

her eyes aren't just blue. they also hold a spark of grey in the inner part of their pupils.

this was the first thing you noticed when she let you inside through her apartment door.

she works a lot, needs someone to look after her child occasionally, she'd explained to you with a tight-lipped smile.

her lips had been a light shade of pink, matching the blush she must've applied before -because, truth be told, there is no way her cheeks are such a sweet pink naturally.

somehow you had been a lot less nervous than you had expected that day. you were applying for a job, this should be a lot more stressful, shouldn't it?

you should be rocking back and forth or biting your lower lip -a nervous habit you picked up on somewhen through highschool.

yet her presence had eased your normally anxious way of being.

perhaps it had been her sweet scent that lingered all over her apartment, or the way she held your hand just a little bit longer than she should've when you first greeted her.

or it might have been that little bit of grey in her ocean-blue eyes.

you can see it right now too, though it is much harder to recognize when her eyes are tired and her eyelids are fighting with all of their strength to remain open.

it's hard to believe that months have passed since the first time you met her. when there seemed to be nothing of greater importance than the color of her eyes.

looking back at all these weeks, you can't remember when or how things changed.

was it when you noticed her loneliness? when you left the apartment only for the thought of her following you for hours? when you realized that, even though she was probably in need of somebody, no one ever came?

for some reason, your pity turned into a strange longing.

perhaps because you were well aware that you could be that somebody.

perhaps because you wanted that more than anything.

and yet, none of it explains how things have gotten this far...

you promised each other that it didn't mean anything after it had first happened. an accident. something that would never happen again.

sweet little lies, told in the shameful rush of getting dressed again after you had spent hours in her bed.

that was the first mistake you made. but it was nothing but that, a simple mistake.

"we can not do this again" nancy had said, back turned to you. "she likes you...i like you. we can't- i can't afford ruining this"

of course you knew that already, of course you knew you shouldn't do this again. so you crawled over to her on the bed, a hand to her back to rub her skin to offer some sense of comfort.

nothing but an innocent touch.

one second it was that and the next it was nancy underneath you. it was her moaning your name right into your ear. you holding her while you made love to her slowly until she came around your fingers with that beautiful arch of her back.

it was nancy coming, again and again and again. 

nothing stayed the same after that.

your eyes would always somehow find the other pair and you would always tell each other that this was the last time until eventually you just...stopped.

maybe she'd grown tired of the lies too and you weren't the only one who couldn't stand to hear it anymore. maybe she was just repeating them in her head, too scared to say them out loud.

either way, it was like a weight had been lifted from both of your bodies.

somehow there was no shame in the way you touched once you stopped apologizing for it.

her lips on yours became something that felt almost natural to you, like it had always been meant to be.

she gained some confidence in the way she touched you too. suddenly you found yourself on your back a lot more often, her kisses heated and wanting as she runs her mouth all over her body.

because, god, nancy herself has never known this kind of want before.

she didn't even think it was possible to feel this attracted to another.

that's until, well, you.

until she learned how to love you, how to make you moan and cry in pleasure.

after all those months, there is almost a routine in the way you do it.

you're nothing but the babysitter whenever you come around. never look at her for too long, no touching, not a word about any feelings around the baby.

not until you're behind shut doors.

it's like this all the time by now.

you're holding her daughter with one arm, the child propped on your hip while you finish cleaning the tabletop, crumbles of your own dinner, and bits of the baby food still left on the surface.

you look up to find nancy in the doorway and the baby squeals in your arms.

she resembles her mother perfectly; the same brown curls, and the exact same nose. only the eyes are different.

you've often wondered what her father might look like. he must've had brown eyes, that much you know by looking at the little one's face.

"oh look who's home" you smile at the child and take her hand in yours to wave at nancy.

"say 'hi mommy'"

nancy smiles, genuine adoration at the way she watches you, and steps into the room.

"god you're a lifesaver," she tells you. "it's past your time isn't it?"

it's long past your working hours. but you don't tell her that.

you also don't tell her how she is probably overworking herself and how this can't possibly be good for her. you conceal it with a welcoming smile.

you've gotten used to the fact that this happens, that she sometimes gets home later than she has said.

and you always try not to mention it, especially not when her daughter is around.

because if you don't take proper care of her, who will then?

"it's fine, i love spending time with this one" you let her take the baby from your arms and watch as she kisses her daughter's cheek.

you know she's about to fall into a rabbit hole of telling you how this really isn't necessary and how you should get home so instead you take her daughter back in your arms once she has peppered her little face with kisses. she's all ready for bed, you took care of that before nancy has gotten home, and her tiny yawn only proves that it's about time someone takes her to bed.

"don't worry" you quickly speak. "you look like you could use a bath. i'll take care of it, okay?"

"y/n-" she sounds like she is about to protest, but then drops her arms weakly. "i really do need a bath..."

you chuckle sweetly and let her say goodnight to her daughter before carrying her to bed.

⋆

it doesn't take long until she is peacefully curled up in her bed, snoring quietly to the even rhythm of her breathing.

then, and only then, you sneak out of her bedroom, and down the hallway to where nancy's room is. to say goodbye, is what you tell yourself. 

this is how most of your days end. in the room of a woman who you technically work for.

you're taken aback by the sight in front of you when you enter the large bedroom.

nancy wheeler is laying on her side, one hand resting on her hip while the other holds a glass of champagne.

she has changed out of her work attire, switching it for a light pink set of lingerie that you've never seen on her.

it's not like there is much to see, anyway. it's a tiny thing, see-through and barely holding anything with its thin, lacy material.

might not be the best for support but, god, she looks good in it.

her hand rests just over her hipbone and, with the way the light of the room reflects on her skin, she looks almost angelic; skin pale and dark brown curls framing her face in all the right ways. 

your jaw instantly drops and for a couple of seconds, you're frozen in place just staring at the woman in front of you.

your eyes wander over her body, taking in the swell of her breasts, the dip of her waist, her slim, long legs, crossing slightly just above the ankles.

nancy sees the way your chest is rising and falling, long before you even notice yourself.

she laughs softly before she turns to put the glass of champagne onto the bedside table, giving you a great view of her backside too.

you watch her with hungry eyes and lick your lips. this isn't what you had expected, not the kind of turn you thought this evening would take, but oh well. who are you to complain?

she crawls toward the edge of her bed on all fours and her voice is silky when she finally speaks.

"were you planning on leaving yet?" she nods her chin in the direction of the jacket you have thrown on on your way to her room.

"i- uhm- no, not anymore-“

"not anymore huh?" nancy swings her legs over the edge of the bed and steps closer to you slowly.

"no" you shake your head and gulp audibly. she hums in response. her blown pupils are a lot more visible now that she is stepping into your space with a sway of her hips.

soon enough, her delicate fingers meet your shoulder while she tiptoes around you.

you watch her from the corner of your eye, most of your focus on the weight of her hand on your shoulder.

"i missed you today, you know?" nancy mumbles absentmindedly. "couldn't stop thinking of that pretty body of yours..."

she pushes the jacket off of you as she speaks and you let it drop down to the floor.

her sweet perfume lingers all around you and you inhale deeply, taking all of her in. floral scent -your favorite- mixing with something that is entirely her own.

"y-yeah...?" you breathe, voice hitching in your throat.

"hmh" her hands roam your sides from behind, her fingers hiking up the top you're wearing while her other palm presses against the side of your neck to tilt your head aside.

her lips brush over your skin, hot puffs tickling against it.

"can i touch you...?"

the quiet "please" falls from your lips in a much more desperate manner than you had intended but you're rewarded by hot kisses against the side of your neck that quickly help you forget.

your heart is beating fast in your chest, the sensual kissing reaching new heights as her lips find the structure of your jaw and bite down on your skin.

you hiss out in pain but it quickly changing into a groan of pleasure when she runs her tongue over the pulsing mark it has left. 

eventually, she steps around you, your eyes meeting when she gets up on her tiptoes, arms dangling from the back of your neck loosely.

her lips glisten in the light. they're puffy too, from how she has kissed you.

"kiss me" you whisper and it's all it takes.

nancy leans in slowly, so slowly that you catch a glimpse of her biting on her lower lip in the excitement of hearing that you want her too.

but then her mouth is on yours and nothing else matters.

she cups your face with her fingers while her lips move against yours.

they're soft and have a hint of champagne on them.

you really can not help yourself but melt against her touch, allowing her to kiss you however she wants to.

she takes her time today. it's nothing like the desperate times when you end up pressed up against the door while she makes you cum at a fast pace. the times when her kisses are uncoordinated and wild. when her lips are whispering dirty things to you. 

you moan into her mouth the second she parts her lips, your hands reaching for her hair, for anything to hold onto so that you don't lose yourself in the taste of her.

she hums, fingers fumbling with the buttons of your top as she steps backward.

you're chasing her, never letting her step too far from you.

you reach down yourself, helping her get you out of the layer of clothing that is separating you from her.

nancy has reached the bed, kneeling on it without ever allowing too much space between both of your bodies.

once you have gotten rid of the shirt, you follow her, knees on the soft mattress and expensive sheets.

she pulls back then, to look up at you. she looks beautiful like this.

nancy always looks beautiful, but never like this: eyes full of want, of need.

"nancy-" you manage.

the woman in front of you bites her lip and sighs. "let me have you..."

her voice is hoarse, hungry for you.

you nod your head erratically, "yes".

her gaze wanders down your body, your legs still in a pair of wide pants.

too much clothing, nancy decides, and unzips them with a well-coordinated flick of the buttons and zipper.

you take them off quickly before turning back around to find that she's already staring at you.

to be fair, you don't really understand what a woman like nancy wheeler sees in you.

only the way you must look next to her right now has you wondering again; in a mismatched pair of light underwear that's got nothing on nancy's fancy set of lingerie.

she can tell something must be wrong, taking your face in her hands by placing her palm to your throat and grabbing your jaw between your index and your thumb.

"what is it, pretty girl?"

blush creeps up your chest and you look down at your own body. nancy's eyes dart after yours and a warm smile lights up her face.

"you're beautiful" she finally speaks, as if she's been reading your mind. "so beautiful"

she sits up on her knees and moves closer to you, one hand flat against your back when she starts kissing down your torso.

she's mumbling sweet nothings against your chest and you hold her there, a hand to the back of her head, silently begging her not to stop.

skilled fingers make quick work of your bra and she throws it over her shoulders carelessly, finally touching you closer to the way you need her.

nancy kisses further down until her lips latch around your nipple.

you gasp and she chuckles. she gets the message though, sucking harder as a first, actual moan falls from your lips.

you're already rolling your hips desperately, in search of anything from her.

"what is it?" she mumbles, staring up at you with her chin against your chest.

"touch me" you simply breathe, too much brain capacity taken by nancy to form a proper sentence.

if there is one thing that has surprised you about her, then it's the way she gets pleasure from getting you off.

of course, she loves to have your head between her thighs too, loves to come around your fingers or lips.

but she uses every possible opportunity to get you beneath her.

"will you let me touch you?" she mumbles. "will you let me take care of you?"

your eyes flutter and you nod, over and over again until you feel her finger run down your body.

her index trails a line down your middle, following the valley between your breasts, down beneath your belly button, where it pushes below the waistline of your panties.

you reach out immediately, arms wrapping around her body, and your back arches forward as her hand finally gets to where you need her the most.

she moves her arm further down until her palm is cupping your mound.

nancy watches you carefully, takes in your reaction to the first time she dips her fingers down to your entrance.

her facial expression matches your own, mouth agape and eyes fluttering when she feels your arousal pooling.

you resist the urge of pressing your thighs together, allowing her to coat her fingers in your wetness.

with a shaky whisper of "fuck, god, nancy" she starts flicking your clit slowly.

she draws clockwise circles around it, exploring the arousal between your thighs every now and then while your nails dig into the skin of her shoulder blades. 

you nearly choke on your own breath when she leans close again, pulling you into somewhat of a hug, except that her fingers are working wonders on your throbbing cunt.

your jaw drops and your eyes roll back in your head when she slowly inserts two of her fingers, stretching you out around her in a way that feels a little too good.

even your head drops back at the first thrust of her fingers.

you're canting your hips, rutting against her, a plead for her to finally go faster, fuck you in the ways from which she knows that they will make you cum.

your head nuzzles her neck, all ten of your fingers scratching down her back to keep her close and to let her know how good this feels.

"you like that, yeah?" she whispers.

you bite your lip and nod, "so much nancy, please"

"yeah?" her tone is a kind of mocking that was your walls fluttering, sucking in her delicate digits. 

"p-please" 

nancy looks into your eyes when she picks up the pace of her fingers, curling them against that spongy spot inside you that has your knees nearly giving out underneath you.

it's heavenly but both of you know that this is not enough yet. 

the whimper that falls from your lips when she removes her fingers from you is almost embarrassing but you know she likes it by the way she smirks at you.

"shhh" she takes your chin in her hand again, tilting your head so that you're looking right at her. "you're such a greedy thing aren't you?"

"hmh" you aren't even paying attention to what she's saying. "please, i need you nancy" 

"you sound so sweet when you beg me to fuck you" the woman with the power to ruin you chuckles. "i wanna hear more of it" 

you reach for her and kiss her, sucking her bottom lip into your mouth in a silent plead. 

"don't worry, you'll have me" nancy mumbles. she leans back to look at you; at your messy hair and desperate eyes, knowing damn well that no one else could get you to such a state. 

she licks her fingers right in front of your face, moaning at the taste suggestively.

your heart skips a beat and you watch her hungrily while she sucks her digits into her mouth.

"god you taste so good"

the second they leave her mouth, you lean back in. chasing your own taste by letting her tongue glide past your own lips.

eventually, she releases your mouth with a wet pop noise.

"i got something," nancy says. "and i really want to use it on you, if that's okay?"

the idea of what she might've gotten creeps its way into your mind slowly, causing your head to spin. because if your assumption is right, then you want nothing more than just that.

you confirm it by nodding your head. you can't even manage a proper response. 

she tells you to wait and you gladly do if that means getting to watch her body move in the set of lingerie, clinging to her skin in all the right ways.

"god you're gorgeous" you groan while she gets on her knees next to the bed, fumbling something out of a drawer of her bedside table.

nancy smiles to herself and eyes you from where she's sitting.

"i got it just for you..." she mumbles. "i knew you would like it on me...same occasion that i got this-"

she finally gets up, revealing the mysterious object in question.

your mouth waters when you recognize what she's holding and your center throbs at the thought of her taking you like that.

"holy shit..."

you drop down onto the mattress as you watch her hand wrapped around the shaft while she's securing the harness to her hips.

you didn't think it was possible for the sight of her body in lingerie could get any better but...oh well.

nancy just chuckles while her hands secure the toy to her body.

"god, i'm gonna fuck you so good-" she whispers absentmindedly, and yet you hear every word, shivers running down your spine at the mere thought of it.

"please" you whimper, your eyes watching her every move when she turns to you again.

"turn around for me, will you?"

you comply immediately, body scrambling over the sheets while you turn and get on all fours.

you put your head down on your crossed arms, arching your ass up in the air.

nancy is out of your sight now, but you feel when her weight moves the mattress behind you, just shortly before she strokes your sides softly.

"so perfect...such a pretty thing..." her fingers trace down your spine until they reach the dip of your waist. they hook under the waistband of your panties and she pulls them down slowly.

"god" she nearly moans, "you're so fucking wet for me"

you nod your head, hips moving back against her on their own accord. at this point, you want nothing more but to get fucked senselessly by her.

"patience"

you gasp when you feel the tip run through your folds slowly, coating it in your arousal.

your eyes are pressed shut the closer it gets to your dripping entrance, silently praying for her to finally push it into you.

"i need you nancy," you whine. "please"

and, just in case that isn't enough for her yet, you add a desperate "mommy" to your begging. 

nancy's nails dig into your flesh when she pushes you back against the tip, causing it to sink into your dripping pussy.

"mommy hm?" her chuckle sounds darkly in your ears. "you want mommy to give you her cock yeah-? 

"oh my- yes- mommy-" you moan at the delicious feeling of getting stretched out like this.

she stills for a moment, allowing you to get used to the initial first stretch and how it feels to get filled up like this.

but you take it greedily, clenching around the cock the deeper it moves inside you.

"just like that" she praises you. "take me so fucking well...good girl"

this alone is enough for you to push your hips all the way back, taking the whole length of the strap all at once.

the gasp that comes from behind you tells you that this must've caught nancy by surprise too, but she doesn't seem to be too bothered by it.

her hand strokes over your back while she stays entirely still.

you can feel your arousal dripping down your thigh. you need her to move, need her to take you until you're screaming.

"what do you want again...?"

you don't need to see her to know there's a wicked grin on her face.

the pull-out comes suddenly, leaving you empty and clenching around nothing. you wail in agony at the emptiness, ass wiggling after the sensation of getting filled up.

"i wanna hear you...”

"fuck-" you whimper. "please- please put- put it back into me- please- fuck-"

"yeah-? then let me hear you!"

"fuck yeah- god nancy please, i- ah"

she pushes herself back inside, not wasting a single second as she thrusts her hips to meet your ass over and over at a relentless pace.

her grip on your ass hardens, nails digging into the soft flesh to get you closer.

you didn't even think you could make the kind of noises that fall from your lips.

you cry out, your hands tightening to fists in the bedsheets.

"oh- oh my god nancy-"

"yeah- yeah that's it pretty girl" she grunts. "take it so well"

and it is really all you can do; taking it while you're on your stomach for her.

but, god, it's not like you're complaining, no. in fact, she's fucking you better than anyone else ever has.

"you're- fuck- so deep" you babble. "feels s'good-you feel so good when- god- when you're inside me"

"yeah? has anyone else fucked you this good? tell me? does anyone else's cock makes you scream like this?" 

you shake your head against her pillows, your eyes pressed shut tightly as you whine. 

nancy leans in closer, causing the strap to push into you from a slightly different angle that has it fucking into you in short but deep thrusts. 

she takes a fistful of your hair and yanks you back in a way that has you yelping. 

"words, princess" nancy whispers, her palm right between your shoulder blades now. 

"n-no" you finally murmur. "no- no one- no one has ever fucked me this good before" 

"good" she said confidently. "gonna make sure it stays this way hm?" 

"yes. god yes." 

her strap is pounding against your g-spot in all the right ways to a point where you're struggling to stay up on your elbows.

nancy lingers over you, her breaths coming shorter from the exhaustion of fucking you at such a brutal pace but she doesn't dare stop.

not when this gets you to a point where you can't even form words anymore.

eventually, your arms do give in entirely and your face drops into the soft sheets beneath you. 

of course this does not stop nancy from pounding into you further. 

"so- fuck- so close-" you mumble, face buried in the pillows.

it catches you by surprise when she suddenly pulls all the way out of you again.

"what are you-" you're about to protest but she cuts you off.

"need to see you" nancy pants. "need to see your pretty face when you cum"

she shifts on the bed and sits down, spinning you around so that you're face to face with her.

she taps her lap.

"come one pretty girl" she breathes, her voice hoarse and dripping with arousal. "ride me until you cum all over me"

you don't even know where you find the strength to straddle her lap but maybe it's just the thought of riding nancy's strap and your building orgasm that makes you do it

she kisses you deeply when you sink onto the plastic cock, a long and lewd cry erupting from your throat when you take it all the way in.

"so pretty" nancy praises while she's brushing sweat-stained hair out of your eyes.

you feel her fingers on your ass, helping you with your movements while you bounce up and down. you do it slowly at first, but quickly pick up your pace to chase your own orgasm.

"fuck please" you whimper. "nancy fuck me already"

and so she does. her hips move upward to meet yours with every thrust. you have both of your hands on her shoulders to somehow steady yourself while she is making you see stars.

she's moving slightly slower than before, enjoying the sinful moans that fall from your lips and trying to make this moment last.

but not slow enough to stop the intense build-up of your orgasm.

you reach down your body and nancy watches it happen, lets you circle your clit to add on to the intense pleasure.

the feeling in your core is swelling further and further.

"fuck nancy-" you moan. "fuck please don't stop-"

her bedroom is filled with the squelching of your cunt around the strap and the breathless moans drawn from your lips.

you're getting closer with every stroke of her and you can tell that she knows.

you can feel your walls clenching around her.

"nancy- holy shit- i'm gonna- you're gonna make me cum nancy"

"i know" she exhales sharply. "cum for me pretty girl. god, please soak my strap and cum for me"

your thankful for her hands on your waist because you would've probably fallen over, that's how much you arch your back against her.

you feel your climax everywhere, each and every nerve of your body on fire when you moan her name in ecstasy.

the hand that you have on your clit can't keep up anymore and you let it drop to your side, but the strap is more than enough for you to ride through your orgasm, coating it with your release like nancy has asked you to.

"fuck, fuck, fuck" you mumble. the sensitivity is slowing becoming too much to handle and you slow down until you come to a halt.

"oh my god" nancy breathes. "that was- god- you look so pretty when you ride me"

you chuckle breathlessly.

"seriously" she murmurs. "you're gorgeous"

you lean down to kiss her but whimper when the strap hits that one particularly sensitive spot, waves of aftershock causing your limbs to shake.

but nancy kisses you through it, hand reaching down to pull herself out of you.

"you did so good" she whispers while withdrawing the strap from you and unbuckling it from her hips.

you drop to the side immediately, the sheets comforting against your damp skin.

nancy joins just a couple of seconds afterwards, throwing the strap aside so that she can nuzzle up against you.

her hand finds yours and she links your fingers together.

"did that feel good, hm?"

you nod your head "hmh"

she wraps a leg over your lower body and holds you close. her arm crosses over your torso, a palm resting against your overheated cheek.

"i'm gonna have to get you out of these" you mumble with your eyes still closed.

"what these-?" she eyes down to her lingerie.

"hmh"

she shifts on the bed and sits up slowly. you don't open your eyes until you hear the noise of a bra getting unclasped.

"god nance you're killing me" you groan at the sight of her stripping out of the top piece.

that's when you know that this was only the beginning...

[covid-safer-hotties]

I loved my teaching career. COVID normalization stole it from me - Published Aug 23, 2024

It might not have been the most favourable, but one of the most memorable comments I ever received on a student evaluation was that I could be “a bit hard to follow, but that was more an example of [my] passion for this subject over anything.” That subject was creative writing. And yes, sometimes, I had difficulty tempering my excitement throughout a teaching career that has now been cut short.

I have – or had – been teaching as a contract or “sessional” creative-writing instructor. Given the competitiveness of the academic job market and my age (I was nearly 40 when I earned the requisite degree, though I had already published four books), I had come to accept that it was unlikely that I would ever have a faculty position. But I could live with that because I still had the rare privilege of making a (barely) livable wage doing something I was very passionate about.

The COVID-19 pandemic took that from me. Actually, that’s not quite right. It was the perceived “end” of the pandemic that really ruined my teaching career.

I am immunocompromised and rely on medication to manage an autoimmune disease. This means vaccine protection from the virus is probably less effective for me than for most people. Also, my particular illness – Crohn’s, an inflammatory bowel disease – has been shown to put me at significantly greater risk than most for long COVID: a potentially chronic condition that can be very debilitating. And despite how it may seem, COVID circulates widely much of the year: We are still in a pandemic.

When universities returned to in-person learning in early 2022, a brief letter from my specialist was all I needed – because of my medical condition – to continue teaching online. But all that changed about a year ago.

Ironically, it is now harder for me to receive accommodation to teach online even though there is less protection in the classroom against COVID. I cannot require masking, which is perhaps our best tool against transmission (particularly respirator-style masks such as N95s), in the classroom. Nor does one-way masking offer as much protection as universal masking. Also, current air filtration in classrooms is generally insufficient. In other words, classrooms are not safe and accessible workplaces for medically vulnerable people. But that’s certainly not how university administrators, and even those who were supposed to represent employees’ interests, perceive things these days.

Last year, trying to discourage me from requesting to teach online, a union rep told me that he “believed in in-person learning.” The most frustrating thing about this comment, and the widely held opinion it represents, is that I too very much miss teaching in person and would, if it were safe to do so. (That said, I believe I am every bit as effective a teacher online.)

On another occasion, a university administrator, after I had submitted my medical documentation, thought “the solution” was for me to co-teach the class so it could include an in-person component and, consequently, less pay for me. After a struggle that went on for months, I taught the class entirely online, but the accommodation agreement I had to sign stated I had “a medical condition that needs limited exposure to as many people as possible.” I nearly refused to put my name to this bizarre description of what is a prevalent disease, but it was too late to apply elsewhere.

It is clear it will only become increasingly difficult for me to teach online as time goes on. The back-and-forth with administrators, department heads and union reps, waiting to find out if I will or won’t be accommodated, and/or what new obstacles will be thrown at me – it has all caused me significant anxiety, which in turn has made it more difficult, ironically, to manage the symptoms of my illness.

I know that the people I have been sparring with are, for the most part, decent folks: They are just ill informed. But I can’t keep trying to do the job of a public-health official to ensure my own health. It’s quite literally making me sick. I’m done. I quit. I have to.

Disability activists have fought long and hard for workplace accessibility to be a right. But the culture has not caught up to understanding the particular accessibility needs of the immunocompromised.

I do not know how to go forward from here. Online courses, especially creative writing, are few and far between. I am looking for online work that utilizes my skills and education and/or that pays more than minimum wage. I have yet to find even an opening for anything like that. For now, I’m grieving: In many ways, it’s a full-time job.

The last time I taught in person was the year I graduated from my MFA program – just months before the pandemic began. After the semester had ended, a student asked if we could have a coffee together so that I could offer further guidance on revising a piece of writing that I had told him was of near-publishable quality. And I only say that to students when it’s true. He also, to my surprise, wanted to share a bit of his own constructive criticism for me – about how I could facilitate workshop discussion a little better. I chuckled at his audacity, though later, upon reflection, took his suggestion. But mostly we focused on his creative work.

As we were getting ready to go our separate ways, he mentioned, in passing, that he had a long drive home: 2½ hours. It has always stayed with me that a student was willing to spend five hours driving for a relatively brief chat over a coffee. Clearly, he thought I was a good teacher, but with more practice and experience, I could become – like a talented, but novice, student writer – an excellent one. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like I will get that chance.

[kaonarvna]

Going through so much right now. Barely have the capacity to do much of anything aside from work and take care of myself and my spouse.

Autistic burnout is truly a cruel mistress. As is having undiagnosed ADHD, knowing what your unmet needs are, and not having the means to access the support you require.

Big vent below. Workplace ableism. ADHD/AuDHD vent.

My spouse is quitting his job again. It happens every year. We've only just now realised "oh my god, it's the autism. It was always the autism" for why he keeps hopping.

He's leaving the current job because they're failing to give him what seems like the most basic accommodations (written instructions, scheduled meetings/literally any notice instead of impromptu "informal chats" in hallways with no record, basic empathy).

He's being told off for "speaking too loudly" and "speaking too enthusiastically" even though all he's talking about with his colleagues is work. They took away his office to turn it into a meeting room, forced him into the communal office space, and have now told him to stop talking to himself or his colleagues.

It's heartbreaking. It's been slowly creeping in for months and it's taken too long for us to realise "oh my god, you need a diagnosis, this is just fucking discrimination, you need formal accommodations and support".

So he's off on the sick now because his stress has become so severe that he just can't function. Before he got the sick note he'd come home and crash every day, and dreaded going to work. He role-played being a warhammer 40k servitor (lobotomised and obedient worker drone, basically) to help him get through the day of staying quiet and doing nothing but work. He'd come home and need so much sensory input and support. And he slept so much, and so poorly. He started to "fail the speech checks" (massively miss social cues and say the wrong thing) with colleagues at work, and came home embarrassed in ways he never was before. He's a very very social animal, and didn't think he had social difficulties, but now he's so worn down that he's realised he does.

He can't mask anymore. He's so tired.

And now that he got that sick note, and plans to leave, he's not dreading waking up each day nearly as much. He's still in the sensory sock every day, and he's still sad and overwhelmed, but he's feeling better.

We've started the process of getting him a diagnosis, but it's going to take months and months and months. We don't really have months. We're going to start applying for new jobs for him, and hopefully get him out of labs. You'd think a chemical laboratory would be the perfect place for an autistic man who loves STEM, but management has always made it unworkable for him. He's always slowly forced out.

And I can barely take care of him, between working full time and having EDS. And I've finally realised I desperately need that ADHD diagnosis, and I need meds. I haven't felt like a person in so long. I haven't felt like myself in years. I feel like this abstract creature inside this horrible prison, and the controls don't work anymore.

Every mental health professional I've seen has asked me, "Have you ever been assessed for ADHD? You've already adopted all the coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes I could recommend. I can't diagnose you, but yknow, think about it."

I've always suspected it. I know I'm autistic. All signs point to ADHD too.

I looked back on every stimulant I've put in my body, and realised that all of them made my brain emptier. They all gave me more control. I was always more able to make choices and act upon them. But I used to associate that with the pain relief (think kratom, nefopam, etc) not the stimulant.

So when I got my pain mostly under control, and I manage it now, I couldn't figure out why I still had so little control over myself.

It's the fucking ADHD.

How much time have I lost to being undiagnosed and unmedicated? How much of my life has slipped down the drain while I paced back and forth, or laid in place "stuck", or ping ponged from incomplete task to incomplete task until I crashed? How much more pleasure could I have experienced if my brain wasn't full of constant noise and thirty different versions of the same thought?

How much have I hurt myself by going "you're fine, you don't need meds" for so many years?

I don't know how long it's going to take to get diagnosed. I've started the process and now we just...wait. But all the evidence points to "yes", and that "meds will probably work and make a massive difference for your quality of life". I might get to be a person someday, or at least a more fulfilled creature.