#incorrect severance quotes

[incorrectseverancequotes]

*Mark and Helly skipping stones on the lake *

Mark: It’s such a beautiful evening!

Helly, whispering: Take that you fucking lake.

[ray-green-wicked4good]

*Once Upon A Time, MDR was brought together to do a Team Building Exercise. They were instructed to step into a private alcove one by one and select a beverage from the bar to pour into a blender, and they would all partake of the end result. They were encouraged to explain their choice aloud because 'Lumon is Listening'.*

Mark: Hi, I'm Mark S and wow. Looks like we've got quite a selection here of ciders and spirits amd some other cool stuff but, uh, I'm going to be adding lemonade because I know we've all been really stressed lately, especially Helly, and I think the others will mostly be adding alcohol. Umm. Especially Helly, so. Lemonade.

Irving: I, Irving B, will be adding water just as our great founder Kier would expect. "Kier invites you to drink of his waters. Drink, quoth he. Drink, my children, of the pure waters and thy labors shall rejoin." It's a beautiful passage that many skip over. But yes, water. That life-giving liquid. Should be refreshing for all of us, I think. But also...I'm afraid of what Helly will add.

Dylan: Dylan. And I'm adding all four of these cans of Sprite because you know Helly's gonna fuck shit up. Which, you know, normally I'd add some whiskey or something to contribute but ah, things are getting real. You know? I mean, this chick tried to cut off her fingers just to send a message to her outie. Badass. But you know, that didn't really work out. So. Pretty sure she's gonna wanna make something strong enough that'll give her outie alcohol poisoning or some shit. So. Just a little insurance for the rest of us. *adds fifth can*

Helly: *No Words. Just grabs the Everclear and pours while she glares at the camera*

[dappersappho]

Mr. Milchick: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Helly: I zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Mark: I got distracted about halfway through.

Dylan: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

[machrealgirl]

mark scout: it's time to move on from my malewife past....and focus on my failboy future♥️

[cod-dump]

*waiting on evac*

Price: so... do you have any hobbies? Other than terrorism

Makarov, tied to a car bumper: I write poetry

Price: Of course you fucking do

[perryelornitorrinco]

Wars, in the campfire: anyone wanna share a story?

Fucking Wind:

[fuckimrowan]

percy: i don't think nico's ever gone to sleep before 5am, and its really just concerning at this point

percy: let's not even talk about jason. he wakes up at 4:45am on the dot, every morning, without an alarm clock. that's terrifying.

[gayjaytodd]

Clark, visiting Wayne Manor for the first time: uhhh, who's in charge here?

Bruce, sighing deeply: usually whoever yells the loudest.

[corpusdiem-seizethedead]

Angel: Dammit, we’ve practically been through my whole collection, and not one lipstick is kiss-proof!

Angel: You must be so bored of this experiment, huh.

Husk: *sitting on Angel’s bed, covered in lipstick prints, purring the smallest bit*

Husk: ☺️

Husk: Wait, what?

[lawyergamer]

MORE bg3 textposts (pt 3)

[incorrectseverancequotes]

Mark: What are you in the mood for?

Helly: World domination.

Mark: That's a bit ambitious.

Helly: You are my world.

Mark: Aww...

Helly:

Mark:

Helly:

Mark: OH.

[ray-green-wicked4good]

*If Severance were a Musical*

Mark: Well, it was nice to meet you, Helena.

Helena: *breathless* You too, Mark.

Mark: *intense eye contact*

Helena: What is it?

Mark: Nothing. Uh, goodnight.

*Mark exits*

*cue soft, melancholy music*

*lights dim*

Helena: *while watching him walk away*

🎶 Well, Helena, you've done it now. Karma's come to tap you,

on the shoulder.

🎶 All the lying that's been festering, plus the identity theft, is coming now to crush you, like a boulder.

*music swells, Helena climbs onto the table to sing her heart out*

🎶 You ruined everything

You stupid bitch

You ruined everything

You stupid, stupid bitch

🎶 You're just a lying little bitch

who ruins things,

And wants the world to burn

🎶 Bitch

🎶 You're a stupid bitch

And your Daddy hates you too

*the other patrons have started to sway with the music now. A line cook passes Helena a microphone*

🎶 I was so close to Paradise

But now the only thing I'm close to

is defeat.

🎶These shards are a metaphor

for my soul

Won't stop the self-pity 'cause

I'm on a roll.

🎶 Yes, Mark completes me,

but how can that be?

When there's no me left to complete?

*music swells, faster tempo*

🎶 You ruined everything

You stupid bitch

Sing with me!

*audience joins in*

🎶 You ruined everything

You stupid, stupid bitch

🎶 Yes! I deserve this!

🎶 You're just a stupid little slut

who doesn't think,

And deceives the people she loves!

🎶 Now he knows I'm not some

innocent lamb,

He sees me for what I am

*big breath*

🎶 Which is a horrible, stupid,

dumb and ugly, cruel and pathetic, simple self-hating

*finale fanfare*

🎶 Bitch!

*the lights come back up. Drummond waits by the door. He looks unimpressed.*

Drummond: Are you done?

Helena: *nods and hands off the microphone*

*She gets off the table and smoothes her skirt*

*They exit*

[dappersappho]

Dylan: God, give me patience.

Mr. Milchick: I think you mean “give me strength”.

Dylan: If god gave me strength, you’d be dead.

[chikchirkun]

[cod-dump]

Price: When you're captain you're probably going to have to retrain Ghost

Soap: Wha- WHEN I'M CAPTAIN?? RETRAIN???

Price: He may like you now but that'll change

Soap: CAPTAIN!? FUCKING CAPTAIN!?!?

Price: It only took me five years to get him to stop biting

Soap: WHAT!?!?

[luna-loveboop]

Currently obsessed with the idea that the boys go to Time for love advice, since "he's married so he knows this stuff right?"

I mean they couldn't recognize a wedding ring??? And neither did he???

And time was saying this in his youth I mean cmon

Twilight: So ancestor. What would you do if like. Malon left to another world and never came back

Time: ... bro Malon called me fairy boy and then we were married like what

Hyrule: So uhh old man. How does one. Meet a girl.

Time: By speaking to her I guess? Or not, Malon did the talking for me

Hyrule: riiiiight...

Wild *no tact*: Hey so like... what if your redheaded wife who's name started with M died.

Time: what?!?!

Wild, undeterred: but like before she proposed.

Time: ...

Wild: and you don't remember if you would have said yes. What's your advice for dealing with that?

Time: ... vent to a fairy?

Warriors: hey old man

Time: no no no not this one asking me please

Warriors: how do I get women to stop coming after me. So I can ya know. Choose without war trying to force me into relationships

Time: I can safely say I've never had that problem captain

Wars: of course not *smirks*

Wars: ok but seriously how do I make them go away

Time: ... wear a wedding ring so they think you're taken, I've got a shiny extra

Time: no no why- they won't stop, I don't know how to do love!

Time: ok well at least I have legend. That kid would never ask for advice, I'll sit by him.

Legend: so old man.

Time, looking forward to a normal conversation: yeah?

Legend: hypothetically, what would you do if you found out Malon didn't exist.

Legend: And her whole world didn't, but it did, and now it doesn't

Time: ...Excuse me for a minute.

Time, writing a letter as fast as he can: MALON HOW DO I GIVE LOVE ADVICE THEY THINK IM WISE

Malon: lol

Happy Valentine's Day guys, have a headcanon :P

The boys go to Time for love advice and Time spouts whatever wise-sounding bs he can, before shoving them all on Malon for therapy when they visit the ranch

Art and comic by Jojo @linkeduniverse! :D