#im trying to cope so hard rn
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what if season 4 is just a tylenol nightmare viktor is having because he was sore after a t shot
#im trying to cope so hard rn#kitt shut up#viktorposting#the umbrella academy#tua#viktor hargreeves#tua season 4 spoilers#tua s4 spoilers#tua season 4#tua s4
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oh no! more ginhiji
#hhhhhhhhhhhh theyyy areeee eatinggggg myyyy BRAIIIIIN#using them as a coping mechanism to avoid the horrors of silver soul#i reached the second half and i. i need a breather#i’m trying to figure out what my favourite dynamic of ginhiji is so i can make comics about it later but rn my brain is just like#haha they want to punt each other into the sun yet they are inexplicably drawn to each other so they may as well burn together#gin san being like oh well i guess this is happening now?? and toshi trying to gaslight himself out of this waking nightmare#it’s very funny to consider#they are very much a romantic comedy but more emphasis on the comedy aspect with tragedy bits coming out of nowhere to kill you dead#so like gintama yk#also hijikata’s hair is a nightmare to draw im trying so hard#girl help#sakata gintoki#hijikata toushirou#ginhiji#hijigin#gintoki x hijikata#hijikata x gintoki#there are so many tags for one pairing hhhh#gintama#ok bye
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charli xcx's critically-acclaimed album BRAT (2024) is something that can actually be so dan howell-coded
#-if you have phannie brainrot and feel the need to associate everything with dnp in some way 🤪#also hi again gang. was MIA for a few days being an academic victim#(will not be graduating this year despite my best efforts. but it's okay because there's still shipping phan <3)#anyway now back to suffering. trying to salvage what's left of this academic year 🤪🤪#phan#dan and phil#dnp#dan howell#daniel howell#are we using dan or daniel for the tag lmao#also im probably posting this at an awful time but it's been rattling around in my head for a few days so here it is#i wanted to use a screenshot from BIG from the part where he talks about his suicide attempt. but#i am literally not in the right headspace to watch that part rn.. like i cant cope with seeing him saying he tried to kill himself atm#watching the childhood bullying part was hard enough right now so i'll leave it at that 😭
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Okay now where's the Seb teddy bear so I can make them kiss each other!?
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#okay btw you can credit the last frame to suzuki#bcs she brought up the pig stuffed animal that seb kept as a good luck charm when he was karting#and suggested the same with fernando's bear :DDD#also feeling weirdly sappy abt the fact that theres pics of fernando in the ferrari garage w an almost identical pig like ??????#anyways please yes have this random vettonso comic 🥰🥰#im working on a bigger vettonso drawing rn so i made this quick in the meantime!#icl i saw the fernando teddy bear. and i made the eyebrow post and whatever#but there was also just this image in the back haunting me of him gifting one to seb#I AM DELUSIONAL!!!#its just so cute to imagine it as like 'heres a memento of me to keep you company' 🥺🥺🥺🥺#funny tho cause i had the same exact imagine for my ocs and i never drew a comic version for them yet drew this real quick#the power of vettonso takes hold of me sometimes.....#tfw you take a break from your vettonso painting youve been working on for a wk+ to go draw a vettonso comic#i have a problem.#ANYWAYS THIS IS SO CUTE WAAAHHHH#drew it as cope bcs in trying to restrain myself from buying the fernando teddy bear#if i cant have it ill make seb have it yknow 🤭🤭🤭#wah this reminded i should draw more little comics theyre not too hard tbh#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#catie.art
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kiss kiss kiss + jhw caught them
#silly little comic hours#im coping hard rn trying to make myself laugh and not think about th epilogue...m#i love drawing yjh hes so silly#my art#orv#orv fanart#orv hsy#orv kdj#orv yjh#yoohankim#hankim#doksoo
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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its insane to me how baked in the concept of time is to the core of fhr. so much of it is about how the characters deal with it. step and ortega are at the heart of it, obviously, theyre both always comparing the past and the present, but even with other characters it bleeds through. just the inevitability of it all. i think time loop aus hit different in fhr because in a way, fhr already is a timeloop. no matter who you play, no matter how kind or cruel or safe or reckless you are, itll end the same way. youll always die. youll always fall.
its the same way when you go back to the rangers. as always, ortega finds you. theyll never let you go. will you come crawling back? bridge the gap, depend on others to keep you safe? or do you push them away, bite and scratch until theyre safely at arms length? it doesnt matter, of course. youve done both before. neither saved you. neither will save you, because youre a villain now; you cant escape it.
even with multiple endings and the many, Many different ways sidestep could end up (god theres so many ways sidestep could end up, there are so many steps in this fandom i have no idea how they all manage to stay unique and interesting but godspeed to yall), theres somehow always that underlying feeling of "it will always end this way". its a feeling thats incredibly close to fate. and that is fascinating for a choose-your-own-adventure game thats main draw is, for all intents and purposes, the amount of choice you do get. i like to think its a taste of what step feels like– the feeling that you cant run from whats coming for you, yk?
#'pulp have you been thinking about chargestep orpheus/euridyce timeloop again' FIRST OF ALL. yes :(#my head is pounding so hard rn#i woke up badly and now my brain is trying to cope w the quencies of disrupting the sacred sleepy time#i could probably word this better if i was more awake but im not#so were just rolling w this ig#fhr#sidestep#pulp speaks#addendum to these tags now that im off the train and actually posting this: ive come to the conclusion that im prlly too sleepy to metapost#and that im likely going to be facing the consequences of my actions soon
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Improvement :3
#turns out practice does work....who would have thought .. apparently not me...#im very proud I've stayed with it#me??? actually liking ny art??? and seeing myself improve more than i have in a year within a couple months??????????#what a good hyperfixation/special interest does to you/silly#alas i need to keep branching out to the other ieytd characters because i wanna work on my fabby design#i have a hard time with costume and um she is literally THE fashion girlie so. i gotta work on that#because she DESERVES IT DAMNIT#also still working on a mental image for zor...sigh#im really into the vitti as zor theory and that 'zor' is a role/title that's kinna passed on....idk...i have thoughts.....#but yeah zor is so painfully human to me but also is trying to not be drives me up the WALL#THAT'S ANOTHER POSTS RANT how did i get here#alas#ieytd#[agent moose's art]#THAT'S IT not individually tagging these doodles? drawings? are not good enough for that#i don't have. the urge to draw in full colour rn <- so so so so busy <- leaves secondary education in less than 2 months#alas. I'm surviving. and very excited about next steps. just gotta get through. via ieytd. it's becoming my mantra#i keep saying i should make designs for solaris and redo my fabby so i can have triple threat explaining science to me on my flashcards#im. coping in my own special way
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Sorry for the uptick in system stuff Im lowkey struggling and need to see system positivity posts or I'll explode
#malik's rambles#okay i know my ass is gonna vent in tags rn so . tw for that !!#iwill never shut up i missed tumblr tags so much wow#itsnot their fault and like . like i dont want to blame them . but its so isolating being and living this way#ill always be grateful for them and I know its just my brain trying to cope and like !! its not their fault but this sucks so bad like wow#also doesnt help that besides how scared I am and how I just . wanna be normal . I feel like I sound insane to other people#it constantly feels like everyone is laughing at us and is just playing along with our “roleplay thing” because they dont wanna bother#and like !! im trying really really hard to be positive about it and just live as well as I can . all of us are !! but it makes me feel like#ridiculous . it feels like everyone'll laugh and think we're playing pretend. which shouldnt matter people will always be assholes !!#I dunno aough im rantingso hard rn . and masa2 wont share which is fine but imscared and worried and scared and aauahhggggggggg#ik the point of the disorder is to hide memories from me so i can function but like . man this suckss9 bad#okay enough of this . Imgonna watch monsters inc i love monsters inc
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#like i definitely have to hide my meds#because if my mother knows#she will actively try and fuck around with things and stop me taking them#like#she's hidden my waterbottle books snacks all sorts of things from my room she just comes in and takes it#because she has to be right#she's so controlling and always has to have things go her way#so she does this kinda stuff to mess with me and fuck around#literally today#like its the 3rd time shes taken my waterbottle and hidden it#whatever her intentions are it doesn't matter rn its her actions that do#and her actions are really shitty and affecting me really badly!#so unsurprisingly im very done with putting up with a ton of bullshit#like she justifies the waterbottle thing with well its plastic#but like ffs like i do not drink water if i cannot see it#why tf are you making it harder#and like#to that she says i should jsut suck it up?#why fucking make life harder then expect me to cope when lifes already hard#make it easier and stop being a puritan#same kinda thing applies to like to do lists etc#she says i cant put things down i should remember them#before used to shame me for having things noted down#before i started hiding everything away neatly
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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the only thing that keeps me going in the school year is academic validation
#i am nothing without praise from teachers/my talent search woman officer thing#and my parents#last year i was crumbling because i kept getting sick and my grades dropped so much#not this year#i cannot do that again#god i always feel like my mental health is better during summer#i just get so bad during the school year#tw for relapse in this last bit don't continue if that's something you can't handle rn 🫶#also i always end up relapsing in the school year#with everything#my ed flares up so bad during school and my coping mechanism for that is not any better#im just trying to stay positive but its kinda hard when all of my thoughts are fighting in my head#bugs junk#vent#sorry guys#like#really sorry#i know i try to keep in positive and funny here#ill be fine soon my posts Will be normal again and sharks/mlm stuff again
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the worst part abt watching movies w my parents is when they Dont Get It and so it falls on me to explain it to them, but when i use words that sound smarter than how i usually speak they give me that Look of vague confusion and judgement and it makes everything not fun anymore. this is also the reason for my various undiagnosed mental illnesses and also the fact that i am so heavily in the closet about being trans-
#this post is probably not as funny as i want it to be but at the same time im so srs#i hate when it falls on me to explain the weird things to them . bc i know they Dont Get It#and no amount of poorly worded excuses about why i like a weird thing will make them understand but they still expect me to say it.#and they will Never Get It.#which means i will also never be able to come oit to them comfortably because this is one of those things they wont get !#and thats ok! but i dont want it to be my responsibility to explain it. because im not as eloquent as i would like to be#and i frequently misspeak and get overwhelmed in conversations like this and nothing ever comes out right. sigh#yes this is about asteroid city but its also about annihilation and spiderverse#and the lego movies and marble hornets and trigun and homestuck and.#most things i enjoy have an overtone of grief or self discovery or coping with things you cant understand#or trying your hardest to live a meaningful life in a world that doesnt understand and is sometimes actively hostile#and i never know how to put that into words that my parents will understand#this post is maybe a little too personal but. sigh. its hittin me pretty hard rn#bc theyre grilling me about why i liked asteroid city so much and all i can say is. shrug emoji#delete later
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the way i balance staying true to my tumblrina nature while also having a job and bills and rent is that at work while cleaning a room ill think of something id like to post and then repeat it over and over in my head and refine it until it sounds right and then i either post it as soon as i get a second to Or i forget it bc i think of anew post to make. and they always get 0 notes but its ok
#not a lot to post abt in a retirement home. its like yep this room is exactly the same as it was last week and the week before as well.#2day we mughtve had a missing resident idk. i also fink i saw her like 2 seconds b4 she went missing so im sure they found her#i was just sitting in the lunch room Seething and Coping ( iwas 40 minutes behind and had just found out i had an extra room on top of that#btw i didnt get out until 4:30. my shift ends at 330 but my ride leaves at 4 and due to The crisis my boss said i can stay clocked in until#4 so that i can do liberty and get overtime et cetera. whats hard is sometimes when i say et cetera i want you to read it as et cetera but#other times i want you to read it as E.T. cetera. but what can you do.#anyways where was i. right i was in the lunchroom oh also my ride didnt leave without me bc marians my bestie. anyways. i was in the break#room idk why i keep calling it the lunchroom im not a highschooler. its a breakroom we just sometimes eat lunch in there when im not outsid#or hiding in Closet <3333333333#aaaanyways what was i talking abt. a good thing abt desktop tumblr is that i can read through all the tags so far#mobile its like a whole debacle basically. idr how but its like. whatever ider what i was talking about hold on#oh right. so i was in the break room and there was a nurse in there and on the walkie (they all have walkies. brenda also has one) i heard#someone go Sooo 245 wasnt in her room and she wasnt in the cafeteria :worried: im gonna look around 2nd but keep an eye out..#and then like a minute later that nurse got up and quickly left idk if she got a different message bc i was listening to starstruck by sorr#and trying to figure out how expensive (indian restaurant) is. the answer is very ughhh i just wanted butter chicken and garlic naan and#rice and that wouldve been THIRTY DOLLARSSS :sobbed: it is very very good food though#i caint get it anyway my check hasnt come in. Tee be honest i might go ahead and order it anyway once my check does come in i rly rly want#butter chicken rn. if in being honest.#also the nurse was playing like a kids cooking channel youtube video rly loudly and the guy in it was obnoxious and i was having such a bad#day i was just sitting there hunched over in a corner forehead against the counter it was diree guys.#the way i made 'yeah i overheard on one of the nurses walkies that they couldnt find a resident for a couple minutes' into a 10 paragraph#debacle. this is what i mean when i say i have to be a tumblrina do you know how dire it would be if i had a social life and went outside#somebody would be like hey how has your day been! and id make it into a 15 hour long historical reenactment. lord
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Another morning another day
I've been thinking a lot about going to the animal shelter
#speculation nation#there r many cats there and i have an aching spot available for one#passively thinking about getting a kitten. just bc id enjoy getting to raise a cat for once#and i think tally would be a good big sister given how much she groomed cassy#at the same time tho i wanna adopt a cat that might not otherwise be adopted so quickly. aka an adult cat#& also like with tally. i very purposefully picked out the loud black cat bc everyone was passing her up#but she was YELLINGGG at me from the cage. and i was like 'oh alright' and took her home#and now shes my sweet darling girl. she just needed like a year to chill out so she is no longer a chaos demon lmao#it's also hard to know what youre getting with a kitten. and it's a lot of resposibility. so like. idk.#but also. Kitten Cute... 🥺#i'll have to see what they have when i go there. still not happening for at least a few more days.#it feels too soon rn. but im thinking about this all to cope lol. i hate having only one cat.#i keep wanting to go out to greet Cat Number 2 in the living room. but. nope. so i go back to greet tally on my bed#she's a loving cat but she does Not like to be smothered. and im kind of smothering her lmao#that's another reason to get a 2nd cat. yes i want tally to have company when im gone at work#but also i need a second cat that is very affectionate bc I Want My Hugs And Kisses Dammit#idk when im getting his ashes back. probably somewhat soon. id estimate tomorrow? they were rly quick with sammy's#idk what im gonna do if they call while im at work lol. cry probably.#tho i havent cried in almost a full day!! been like 22 hours. i have been Trying to cope. mixed results.#ah well. c'est la vie and all that shit.#animal death ment/
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hey ash! i kinda got the feeling that Going Through It rn, and just wanted to say that i hope things will get better for you soon! take care ❤
thank you anon 😭💗 i am very much Going Through it, the most i have been in years lmao. things are extremely hard rn so i appreciate this a lot ily
#i dont blast my personal life all over social media like i used to but besties life is SO HARD.#ash answers#i have been trying to use art and writing as a Creative Outlet and way to cope but all my brain wants to create rn are depressing aus#and i dont wanna write those 😂#like im sure i'll be fine eventually but like. haha. hahahaha oh god
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