#im trying to cope so hard rn
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what if season 4 is just a tylenol nightmare viktor is having because he was sore after a t shot
#im trying to cope so hard rn#kitt shut up#viktorposting#the umbrella academy#tua#viktor hargreeves#tua season 4 spoilers#tua s4 spoilers#tua season 4#tua s4
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oh no! more ginhiji
#hhhhhhhhhhhh theyyy areeee eatinggggg myyyy BRAIIIIIN#using them as a coping mechanism to avoid the horrors of silver soul#i reached the second half and i. i need a breather#i’m trying to figure out what my favourite dynamic of ginhiji is so i can make comics about it later but rn my brain is just like#haha they want to punt each other into the sun yet they are inexplicably drawn to each other so they may as well burn together#gin san being like oh well i guess this is happening now?? and toshi trying to gaslight himself out of this waking nightmare#it’s very funny to consider#they are very much a romantic comedy but more emphasis on the comedy aspect with tragedy bits coming out of nowhere to kill you dead#so like gintama yk#also hijikata’s hair is a nightmare to draw im trying so hard#girl help#sakata gintoki#hijikata toushirou#ginhiji#hijigin#gintoki x hijikata#hijikata x gintoki#there are so many tags for one pairing hhhh#gintama#ok bye
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charli xcx's critically-acclaimed album BRAT (2024) is something that can actually be so dan howell-coded
#-if you have phannie brainrot and feel the need to associate everything with dnp in some way 🤪#also hi again gang. was MIA for a few days being an academic victim#(will not be graduating this year despite my best efforts. but it's okay because there's still shipping phan <3)#anyway now back to suffering. trying to salvage what's left of this academic year 🤪🤪#phan#dan and phil#dnp#dan howell#daniel howell#are we using dan or daniel for the tag lmao#also im probably posting this at an awful time but it's been rattling around in my head for a few days so here it is#i wanted to use a screenshot from BIG from the part where he talks about his suicide attempt. but#i am literally not in the right headspace to watch that part rn.. like i cant cope with seeing him saying he tried to kill himself atm#watching the childhood bullying part was hard enough right now so i'll leave it at that 😭
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Okay now where's the Seb teddy bear so I can make them kiss each other!?
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#okay btw you can credit the last frame to suzuki#bcs she brought up the pig stuffed animal that seb kept as a good luck charm when he was karting#and suggested the same with fernando's bear :DDD#also feeling weirdly sappy abt the fact that theres pics of fernando in the ferrari garage w an almost identical pig like ??????#anyways please yes have this random vettonso comic 🥰🥰#im working on a bigger vettonso drawing rn so i made this quick in the meantime!#icl i saw the fernando teddy bear. and i made the eyebrow post and whatever#but there was also just this image in the back haunting me of him gifting one to seb#I AM DELUSIONAL!!!#its just so cute to imagine it as like 'heres a memento of me to keep you company' 🥺🥺🥺🥺#funny tho cause i had the same exact imagine for my ocs and i never drew a comic version for them yet drew this real quick#the power of vettonso takes hold of me sometimes.....#tfw you take a break from your vettonso painting youve been working on for a wk+ to go draw a vettonso comic#i have a problem.#ANYWAYS THIS IS SO CUTE WAAAHHHH#drew it as cope bcs in trying to restrain myself from buying the fernando teddy bear#if i cant have it ill make seb have it yknow 🤭🤭🤭#wah this reminded i should draw more little comics theyre not too hard tbh#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#catie.art
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kiss kiss kiss + jhw caught them
#silly little comic hours#im coping hard rn trying to make myself laugh and not think about th epilogue...m#i love drawing yjh hes so silly#my art#orv#orv fanart#orv hsy#orv kdj#orv yjh#yoohankim#hankim#doksoo
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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its insane to me how baked in the concept of time is to the core of fhr. so much of it is about how the characters deal with it. step and ortega are at the heart of it, obviously, theyre both always comparing the past and the present, but even with other characters it bleeds through. just the inevitability of it all. i think time loop aus hit different in fhr because in a way, fhr already is a timeloop. no matter who you play, no matter how kind or cruel or safe or reckless you are, itll end the same way. youll always die. youll always fall.
its the same way when you go back to the rangers. as always, ortega finds you. theyll never let you go. will you come crawling back? bridge the gap, depend on others to keep you safe? or do you push them away, bite and scratch until theyre safely at arms length? it doesnt matter, of course. youve done both before. neither saved you. neither will save you, because youre a villain now; you cant escape it.
even with multiple endings and the many, Many different ways sidestep could end up (god theres so many ways sidestep could end up, there are so many steps in this fandom i have no idea how they all manage to stay unique and interesting but godspeed to yall), theres somehow always that underlying feeling of "it will always end this way". its a feeling thats incredibly close to fate. and that is fascinating for a choose-your-own-adventure game thats main draw is, for all intents and purposes, the amount of choice you do get. i like to think its a taste of what step feels like– the feeling that you cant run from whats coming for you, yk?
#'pulp have you been thinking about chargestep orpheus/euridyce timeloop again' FIRST OF ALL. yes :(#my head is pounding so hard rn#i woke up badly and now my brain is trying to cope w the quencies of disrupting the sacred sleepy time#i could probably word this better if i was more awake but im not#so were just rolling w this ig#fhr#sidestep#pulp speaks#addendum to these tags now that im off the train and actually posting this: ive come to the conclusion that im prlly too sleepy to metapost#and that im likely going to be facing the consequences of my actions soon
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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Improvement :3
#turns out practice does work....who would have thought .. apparently not me...#im very proud I've stayed with it#me??? actually liking ny art??? and seeing myself improve more than i have in a year within a couple months??????????#what a good hyperfixation/special interest does to you/silly#alas i need to keep branching out to the other ieytd characters because i wanna work on my fabby design#i have a hard time with costume and um she is literally THE fashion girlie so. i gotta work on that#because she DESERVES IT DAMNIT#also still working on a mental image for zor...sigh#im really into the vitti as zor theory and that 'zor' is a role/title that's kinna passed on....idk...i have thoughts.....#but yeah zor is so painfully human to me but also is trying to not be drives me up the WALL#THAT'S ANOTHER POSTS RANT how did i get here#alas#ieytd#[agent moose's art]#THAT'S IT not individually tagging these doodles? drawings? are not good enough for that#i don't have. the urge to draw in full colour rn <- so so so so busy <- leaves secondary education in less than 2 months#alas. I'm surviving. and very excited about next steps. just gotta get through. via ieytd. it's becoming my mantra#i keep saying i should make designs for solaris and redo my fabby so i can have triple threat explaining science to me on my flashcards#im. coping in my own special way
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Sorry for the uptick in system stuff Im lowkey struggling and need to see system positivity posts or I'll explode
#malik's rambles#okay i know my ass is gonna vent in tags rn so . tw for that !!#iwill never shut up i missed tumblr tags so much wow#itsnot their fault and like . like i dont want to blame them . but its so isolating being and living this way#ill always be grateful for them and I know its just my brain trying to cope and like !! its not their fault but this sucks so bad like wow#also doesnt help that besides how scared I am and how I just . wanna be normal . I feel like I sound insane to other people#it constantly feels like everyone is laughing at us and is just playing along with our “roleplay thing” because they dont wanna bother#and like !! im trying really really hard to be positive about it and just live as well as I can . all of us are !! but it makes me feel like#ridiculous . it feels like everyone'll laugh and think we're playing pretend. which shouldnt matter people will always be assholes !!#I dunno aough im rantingso hard rn . and masa2 wont share which is fine but imscared and worried and scared and aauahhggggggggg#ik the point of the disorder is to hide memories from me so i can function but like . man this suckss9 bad#okay enough of this . Imgonna watch monsters inc i love monsters inc
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Chat is anyone interested in my cross-fandom weird ass rarepair shipping
#essentially me trying to find kosma as many boyfriends as possible#i am a master of rarepairs from kickstarting scarakomi to prob being the only mfer who ships ruanjade#shit im entertaining rn are koskinich kosaven kosluka#kosluka genuinely was such a cute idea that i was this close to making content#tho i alr made a kosma kit in case he ever comes to hsr i am coping so hard#HOYO MAKE MY FAVE BOY PLAYABLE HES LITERALLY ME#koslumen and kosnesto/kosquila? kinda cute too
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i still feel literally awful about my project like its making me feel ill with worry
#i feel marginally better than yesterday but i dont feel great#im like. considering changing my entire project#im hoping its just a misunderstanding but idk#im trying to work on other uni stuff and im struggling because i cant stop thinking about yesterday#i dont want to do something useless. but i was literally asked to do this project?? idk im so confused#and im panicking which never allows for good judgement#i just wish i didnt feel so terrible#everyone else had really cool ideas that were well received#which makes me feel even worse#like. it was humiliating. and i feel ive been misunderstood/misinterpreted which i never cope well with#god my grade for it is gonna be terrible i can just tell#which is fine in the sense of its a 'best two of three' type thing. so as long as i do okay in the other two presentations its fine#im trying to think of it as a learning experience but its hard#i was also earnestly looking for jobs today because i really am considering just walking away#which feels dramatic but also my mental health is so so bad rn its not funny
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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#like i definitely have to hide my meds#because if my mother knows#she will actively try and fuck around with things and stop me taking them#like#she's hidden my waterbottle books snacks all sorts of things from my room she just comes in and takes it#because she has to be right#she's so controlling and always has to have things go her way#so she does this kinda stuff to mess with me and fuck around#literally today#like its the 3rd time shes taken my waterbottle and hidden it#whatever her intentions are it doesn't matter rn its her actions that do#and her actions are really shitty and affecting me really badly!#so unsurprisingly im very done with putting up with a ton of bullshit#like she justifies the waterbottle thing with well its plastic#but like ffs like i do not drink water if i cannot see it#why tf are you making it harder#and like#to that she says i should jsut suck it up?#why fucking make life harder then expect me to cope when lifes already hard#make it easier and stop being a puritan#same kinda thing applies to like to do lists etc#she says i cant put things down i should remember them#before used to shame me for having things noted down#before i started hiding everything away neatly
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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the only thing that keeps me going in the school year is academic validation
#i am nothing without praise from teachers/my talent search woman officer thing#and my parents#last year i was crumbling because i kept getting sick and my grades dropped so much#not this year#i cannot do that again#god i always feel like my mental health is better during summer#i just get so bad during the school year#tw for relapse in this last bit don't continue if that's something you can't handle rn 🫶#also i always end up relapsing in the school year#with everything#my ed flares up so bad during school and my coping mechanism for that is not any better#im just trying to stay positive but its kinda hard when all of my thoughts are fighting in my head#bugs junk#vent#sorry guys#like#really sorry#i know i try to keep in positive and funny here#ill be fine soon my posts Will be normal again and sharks/mlm stuff again
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