#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions

[dogboner]

personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"

[sharkboywrites]

Haayyy >__0 if your rqs are open I'd looove to see another floyd x male reader fic... I would love to see some hurt/comfort stuff around floyd's bpd getting in the way of him finally having a meaningful relationship, n the reader comforting him about it. If you could somehow imply that the reader is trans. and autistic. that would be cool !! but it is opt. ^_^

floyd bpd is a major hc of mine and I hardly see anyone actually pointing it out or writing about it ... that stuff's gotta be done!! he's bpdtastic!! and no one gaf 😭😭😭!!!!!

Tough Times

Bpd Floyd x Trans autistic reader

A/N: Hii! So to be completely honest I don’t really know everything about bpd, although I suspect I may have it but that’s unrelated, but I’ll try my best to write it. Please correct me if I get anything wrong! Also I’ll try to fit in the reader’s own traits but I might have a bit of trouble with it

Trans reader, autistic reader, Floyd had bpd

Floyd was hard to deal with for most people

Most people thought he was too crazy, too quick to change his emotions, and was completely unpredictable and dangerous.

You weren’t most people though.

While Floyd did have his quirks, you still love him, the two of you were practically inseparable. Like seriously, it started to become odd to see one of you without the other.

Although, while you two still loved each other, sometimes it would be hard. Each episode either of you had would cause a problem in your relationship, whether it be your dysphoria or meltdowns, or Floyd’s sudden mood changes and impulsive behavior.

It hurt Floyd more than he’d ever wanted to let you know.

He really hated the way he acted, the way it caused problems between the two of you, the way he would get you into trouble along with him whenever he was impulsive.

Having these feelings just made things worse for him. The more he tried to shove it down, the worse his mood swings would get. One moment he’d be clinging to you like if he’d die if he let you go, and the next he’d be avoiding you like the plague, doing stuff that would get him into trouble.

It worried you. You knew something was wrong with the way he was acting, but you weren’t sure how to address it with him right.

During the next time he was with you, you decided it would be the best time to try and talk to him about it. You sat him down in your dorm room and gently caressed his hand as you told him what you felt was wrong.

His emotions were everywhere. One moments he was upset and crying, the next angry and yelling, mostly at himself, but in the end he was able to tell you what was wrong.

You held him closely, assuring him that even though he had these problems, you were always there for him. You weren’t going to leave him over this, that the two of you could always talk it out, just like the way you did during your own episodes.

For the next few days you made sure to shower him in affection, staying by his side almost all day, giving him treats, and reinforcing how much you love him. Your actions were reassuring to him, and while he still had some complicated feelings, you were helping to make him feel much better.

Sometimes things may be hard between the two of you, you both have your problems, but at the end of the day you both love each other, and both of you will always do your best to not let that get in the way.

[aydien677]

My own little Psychological Headcannons on the brothers.

A/N: oh my God this is a lot.

Warnings: lots of mental health stuff, like, lots

Ok so I believe Lucifer has ptsd of the complex variety, maybe Bipolar, anxious and severely depressed as well with possible BPD and definitely autism and he will definitely have oldest child syndrome. His brothers don’t appreciate him as much as they should and he seems to rarely ever get hugs since even though he is doing what he thinks is best for them they do their best to ruin his day. He feels anxious he isn’t doing good enough for his brothers and that they’ll get hurt because of this. He’ll blame yourself for everything bad that happens to them. He has a lot of pressure to do everything for your siblings and his needs were put last as his brothers don’t appreciate you as much as they should and even now he’ll put himself last and will overwork himself for his brothers often not eating or sleeping like he should. Whenever his brothers are threatened he will immediately go into fight or flight always choosing fight as if it’s been drilled into him that he doesn’t matter and his brothers come first. That’s why he’ll act tough because he feels guilty for being vulnerable because that makes him feel unfit to protect his brothers and they’ll think he is weak and leave him for showing some emotional vulnerability making him unable to protect them when they leave. He has also turned to borderline alcoholism to help relieve some of his stress and anxiety because he never actually had the time to get over his trauma and learn to take care of himself. Yet most importantly it seems that his brothers are his only will to live.

Then Mammons hyperactive Adhd is mostly what’s fucking him over because he can start something but will quickly loose interest causing it to fail because he can’t follow through and adhd can make you more likely to get addicted to things in Mams case it’s the casino but being the Avatar of Greed also plays a part because he feels like he’s missing something so he’s likely using possessions to try and fix it when he’s really just missing affection because he is used as an emotional punching bag by your brothers and this also caused him to have BPD, major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. Since He is mostly used as an emotional punching bag which is not good for him and he hardly ever properly retaliates. This is because he wants to believe you all care but he has a hard time believing it making him even more depressed and anxious especially after Michael pretty much abandoned and bad mouthed him . Despite his grades He is very smart and it’s mostly just his adhd. This can mostly be solved by more positive reinforcement and accommodations for his adhd.

Levi has autism and anxiety and as the Avatar of Envy he is likely jealous of who he used to be but can’t explain that part so he’s just miserable and depressed but at least he’s more open about how he feels especially his anxiety. He really just needs someone to listen to him. Did I mention autism?

Satan is a walking autistic existential identity crisis and as the Avatar of Wrath he is mostly angry because he is confused about why he exists and it’s also why his main comfort is books because they explain things and he’s using escapism as a coping mechanism. He needs reassurance that he is his own person and not a carbon copy of someone else. It’s seen over and over that Satan loves books and that he believes Knowledge is power but he doesn’t have the knowledge of how he came into existence except for the fact he split from Lucifer.

Asmo is the healthiest with his self care but he has histrionic personality disorder and as the Avatar of Lust he is likely trying to Fuck away his feelings so to speak so he doesn’t have to think about it but then again his self care is also his greatest weakness since he believes that if people cannot see how pretty he is what else do they have to go by. His face is his mask and he thinks his mask is all people will ever see. They can't see what's underneath because he thinks that it does not matter.

Beel is mostly just depressed and his guilt likely forms as a pit in his stomach which could also be mistaken for hunger so as the Avatar of gluttony he tries to eat to get rid of that pit of guilt. Belphie is depressed and has inattentive Adhd and if you’re too busy sleeping you don’t have to acknowledge reality of loosing Lilith and his coping mechanism is pretty fitting for the avatar of sloth.

[sunlit-mess]

Hello, I hope it's not rude but I'm REALLY REALLY fond of your art!!!!! I was scrolling through your blog from new to old and found that you have Bpd,,,. I only heard about this condition, what is it like? If it's ok to know,,,!

hello, thank u! uhm it's something? HAHAHAHA idk how to explain it 😭🏳 lemme try to be as direct as possible

I'm high-functioning, but there are points I seriously just start showing symptoms.

Emotions: INTENSE as it can get while FEELING 99 PERCENT EMPTY. Something just- keeps you so.. hungry (not literally). Sensory is also another factor, and honestly I burn out a lot, tend to get overwhelmed n meltdown like shit

Identity: I either have BEEF WITH it, feel GODLY, or be so LOW, really low. I live with both passion and hate. I'm very confused. But I can say I'm just tired!

Attachments: Relationships are so hard to maintain bc of how much I fear abandonment, like bro I can't even leave my family as much as I want to. I'm more scared of getting disowned or losing my name. Love is a concept I long to grasp at the same time scared of it, I don't understand jackshit about " love ".

> I tend to self-Isolate with or without reason

> ...I used to test other people whether they can handle me or not, whether they'd leave or not. Not anymore though, but the thought lingers.

> Very- paranoid- about.. perception, neglect and invalidity HAHA.

Mindset: They call it Black and White, or generally just two categories to label my perception of things. However, I try to understand AS MUCH AS I CAN about a situation, etc. See what's in-between before I decide. that's really hard for me to do LOL.

> I always do my best to think and be nice

> I can be so fucking bad at the same time, only to regret it the next second or so

> My mind is scattered all over the place, It's exhausting

Trauma: I have memory problems and a lot to connect with that. Hate and fear is what I'm accustomed to. I live with a fuck ton of active predicaments like hell. Old wounds keeps reopening, and new ones never closes.

Impulse: shows in speech more than in action (THANK GOD LMAO I'D DIE IF I LET MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS WIN)

Habits: uhm. Ranging from sunshine and rainbows to SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. I get obsessive, like.. really obsessive.

Coping mechanisms: Usually I have mood stabilizers and anti-depressants n shit, but I don't rely on them anymore (bc I can't keep buying). I don't have good coping mechanisms even for physical needs. It's so bad bro. So I just end up drawing. that's the only good one I can list.

Living with it: Exhausting and an internal war 24/7. Does it affect me physically? Yes. Does it come with other mental factors and conditions? Also yes! But as one of God's most tired soldiers, nothing I can do but keep walking.

What I'm confused about: dawg last time, i kept searching about how conditions co exists like— Thats normal?? N the last diagnosis I was in confirms it does and nothing to worry about. BLUD I AM DEF WORRYING. Autism n bpd? u mean my behavior and shit isnt meant to be invalid as most people perceive — u mean these fckass experiences built that bpd? ☠️ WHAT AM I THEN—

(I'm having a hard time believing it bc as an adult, it's harder to process information like these)

[astroels]

hey, i just wanna make sure this will be okay with you! i wanna send in a request where the reader has HEAVY symptoms of/like borderline personality disorder and farmhouse!ellie helps and understands, etc!! because ive shown ALOT of symptoms of it, but i haven’t been able to go to doctors about it :( i am totally down with helping you with this request (only if you are comfortable doing this!)

(anyone who’s sees this, pls DONT take offense to this and please don’t have a go at me (cause it won’t end well, & obviously, it will just send me in to a deeper and darker hole, that im already in!!) and to this kind human who’s writing this!! just be kind, im currently experiencing this for such a long ass time now and it’s such a tough battle, and it’s a heavy and deep journey).

here’s some topics i can help with:

(this is what i experience personally)

- splitting // seeing someone or something (like a situation) either good or bad, it can NEVER be seen in between). this makes asking for advice or reading someone or the situation to be dealt with A LOT more harder… cause i only want one answer, it can be in the middle. it MUST be a yes or no, i hope that makes sense?

- dissociation // feeling disconnected with your senses, can’t tell which is which and it’s incredibly hard to snap out of it.

- heavy feelings of emptiness // having a lack of purpose in general, it’s irritating when you can’t properly and very physically feel your intense emotions :(

- fear of abandonment // scared of ending up alone, just like what ellie said (that’s what ellie and reader can bond over w? or understand about the reader).

- emotional instability - disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" impulsive behaviour. intense but unstable relationships with others.

- paranoid ideation // when im constantly scared or suspicious being secretly followed, plotted against, always in a constant state of deep anxiety.

- unstable/intense relationship // with me experiencing such intense emotions, etc. this can creat so much short, unstable and intense relationships with anyone i come across in life. // the readers first actual long healthy loving relationship with ellie is her first :(

- sh behaviors… (pls dont do this, if this triggers you)

could you possibly add in about ellies drawings/journal about the reader and bpd… to help her understand and help around the farmhouse for the reader. ellie and tlou helps me so much in so many ways. (abt me and my mind) bc i feel like her drawing about reader and the symptoms/memories of ellie being here can help me so much :)

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: I tried to touch on topics that you mentioned and with information I'm aware of since I have a friend with bpd, if anyone has a problem with this, do let me know, I am in no means writing this to be disrespectful or stereotypical, I just hope someone is able to find comfort in this :)

cw: arguments, mentions of sh (i will mark when it shows up), joel is dead in this (sorry joel)

apocalyptic!au

At first, having to hide your disorder from Ellie was a struggle. There was an intense fear that came with the idea that Ellie would back off as soon as she found out it. It was hard enough to mask the feeling, and even harder when you felt the symptoms that ruined previous relationships ooze into your current one with Ellie. Eventually, you just couldn't hide it anymore. You had to be honest even if rejection was a likely path.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to you." It'd come out in a burst of impulsiveness, no longer being able to keep it from her. From where you were laying on her lap, you'd straighten, looked down, besides her, anywhere where you didn't have to face her.

"What's up?" She'd be looking at you intently, with the shine in her eyes that showed she was curious as to what was to come and her voice gentle, as she naturally was with you.

"I really can't hold it together anymore, I struggle." You paused, didn't everyone? The words felt thick in your throat. You continued after cleaning your throat. "Mentally, 'm pretty sure it's borderline personality disorder, and theres no way to help it." Ellie stared at you, expressionless, waiting for you to continue. "It's always been there, before you, these past few weeks, and when I'm alone. I feel so trapped, Ellie." Everything you said came out rushed, in raspiness, in choked sobs that this was the end of a relationship that could've been something better in your life. "I'm not okay and I'm probably not something you want to deal with." You didn't think she wanted more baggage in this already ruined world.

Ellie didn't speak. Were you too honest? Were you too blunt? Too clingy in such a short time? What was wrong with you? A second passed by with you left in thought. "Oh, baby." Ellie pulled you in, letting you breathe in the slight dirt scent that lingered on her shirt.

She held you for awhile, allowing your tears to ease into falters before speaking again. She pulled away, her hands on your cheek, wiping the last of your tears. "You've never felt like someone I've had to deal with. Disorder or not, I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Incredible doubt still filled your mind, her words seeming to just sink into you and not touch where it mattered. "What if you realize I'm not worth it? What if you leave? I can't handle that Ellie." You said in almost a whisper, her love was too good to be true, everyone always left when they found out the reality of your behaviors and emotions.

"You're worth more than you realize, baby. I promise you, as long as you need me, I'll always need you. We're going to do this and learn together." She'd caress your cheek, calming you with the sensation of her touch. "And besides, I'm just as scared of losing you." She'd give you a slight smile followed by a kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood. Ellie wouldn't dare make you feel like something she'd have to "deal" with. After your first mention, she picked up books from Jackson to further look into it.

Even if you knew the farm was strayed away from any communities, and it was very unlikely that any infected would stray towards the farm, the anxiety swelled up in you. It was so easy to lose Ellie and everything you've grown together, just by a simple mistake of overestimating your safety. It happened often when you'd hear a noise at night and couldn't sleep, saw something move quickly in the corner of your eye, or even when Ellie was gone for too long. Your fear would turn into forms of skin picking and eventually lead into panics that induced loss of breath and worry. Ellie, of course, did her best to help you through these panics.

You hated bothering Ellie with how you felt, but you promised her you'd be more open and try to be communicative instead of shutting off when something was happening. You kept hearing it, the clicking noise that was going to cause your death any second now.

"Ellie," you whispered, rocking her arm a bit to wake her. Her eyebrows slightly furrowed in sudden wake. Her green eyes looked pretty hazy, but she quickly rose when she saw the shakiness your body was in.

" 's the noise again, baby?" She leaned to her side to pick up her glass of water, offering it to you. Supposedly, fresh water was supposed to cool the body, along with the scent of herbs. Ellie had you trying natural supplements while she found a trader who had medication. All you could form was a simple nod after you drank from her water, your throat burning from anxiousness.

That was all Ellie needed to understand what to do. It'd happened before, and she was glad you woke her up this time. Ellie scootched closer to you, allowing your head to fall on her lap. There was no way to block the noise but to fill the silence.

Ellie took it upon herself to play with your hair, leaving tingles all across your head, and singing for you, songs she created, songs she found, songs Joel had sang for her. She filled the room with her voice to block the outside noises that burdened their mark in your mind. " 's gonna be okay, baby." Her sensation eventually soothed you. Even on rough nights, she didn't give up on helping you.

With BPD, there were empty days, days where you couldn't reciprocate anything, days where everything seemed challenging, it wasn't something you felt you could do. Completing any farm task became a haze. You mentally weren't present in the day. The things you could do seemed to be done messily, which made your helplessness feel even worse.

You knew it was time to get up, time to water the plants, fetch the clothing from the line, and prepare lunch, but you couldn't. If you tried in a state like this, everything would go bad and end up sending you into spiral. Ellie's words passed through your mind. " 'ts alright babe, only do what you can, when you can." She made sure to tell you it was okay, but you still felt useless tucked into bed while she was out hunting and fetching things from Jackson.

You decided to go downstairs and start on some laundry. It's the least you could do to stay organized at such a time. Ellie had been gone for a while now, the hallow feeling inside you carved deeper each moment you felt the absence of her. She couldn't fix you, but the knowledge that she was around made it the tiniest bit better.

A load of laundry was done when you decided to just get back in bed. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. Time passed as if you were watching a train, you weren't moving, but time surely was. You spent the rest of the day wating for Ellie, growing impatient in the increasing grayness.

While looking at the window, the sound of a door rattling burst your train of thought. Ellie's voice of letting you know she was home was faint. Would she notice that today was an off day? Would she be as caring as the other days? You heard her making her way upstairs momentarily.

The moment she walked in, she glanced at you and spoke with a gentle tone, pushing you into a cloud. "Hey baby, how're 'y holding up?" She continued around the room to change, leaving herself in a tank top and pj shorts. Your silence spoke volumes, you just couldn't respond. Your voice didn't want to be heard, it felt trapped in your throat. You nodded at her, making eye contact as reassurance you weren't mad, just drained.

Ellie grew understanding of these times, whether they lasted for days to weeks, she was there. She got into bed with you, seeking your warmth for a little while before she had to make dinner. She knew you didn't take care of yourself properly these days, so it was most obvious that she'd be right at your service, asked or not.

Arguments were not a likely thing to happen, but that didn't remove the possibility of it. Sometimes, you just couldn't help the feelings that bubbled up and were unstoppable. It came from stress, irritation, or just something Ellie said that sounded off putting. This part was the hardest for Ellie to communicate through, as she has her own communication issues; However both of you shared a fear factor of being abandoned. This alone gave the courage to work through the outbursts. Hard to handle, but ultimately manageable. (Tw for sh starts here, head to next section to skip)

Ellie had traded some time ago for pills, they were supposed to stabilize your mood, they really just made you unable to think as much and light headed. It wasn't the best medication, but it's as far as a post-apocalyptic world could provide. At first you took them daily as suggested, but when you learned Ellie had given one of her knives joel had crafted before he died, immense guilt filled you everytime you took one or even looked at them. The thought Ellie gave up something so special for you, made you nauseous.

In guilt of her action, you "forgot" to take them for several days, possible weeks. You thought if you were less dependent on them, Ellie wouldn't have to trade something like that again. What didn't cross your mind was Ellie noticing the difference of you on and off the meds. She noticed the way your irritation and mood swings became intense, noticed the way you pushed her away more often. The truth would come crashing down once the both of you made a wrong tone.

You were putting away dishes when Ellie approached you. "Tommys' invited me over tomorrow, said he's gonna talk to me about something." You usually wouldn't be annoyed at Ellie's absence but she'd hardly been home all week and you felt discarded. "Okay." Was all you could form in a rude tone. The actions of you putting away the glasses became unconsciously harsher. "Okay?" Ellie eyed you. You gave her a look and continued with the dishes.

The silence rung in your ear, you felt hot, the warmth crawling up your neck. Before you realized, a glass shatterd on the floor and made you wince. You cursed under your breathe while Ellie spoke out. "What the fuck is up with you?" Her eyebrows were furrowed and her tone was slightly impatient. "Nothins' up." You made your way to the kitchen doorway to grab a broom. "Look, I can't be doing this." You heard Ellie sigh. "You're gonna have to speak up." You hated the way your heart felt so heavy, you didn't want to "speak up", you wanted everything to end already.

You turned to look at her. "I know about the pills, Ellie." Ellie looked like she had an arrow of shock hit her. You continued to speak after a moment. "I don't want to take them if it means you'll be sacrificing things like that."

Ellie was biting the inside of her cheek, her face looking frustrated above anything. "I don't want to exhaust you any longer, I can't do it to you, Ellie." You stared at her for any signs of reading how she felt. No effort could ever tell you what she was thinking. "What's done is done, just take the fucking pills." Her tone seemed increasingly harsh. "No, Ellie, I don't want to burden you any longer."

"You've already become a fucking burden, 's too late to worry about that now." Your heart dropped. Out of everything she could've said, you never thought it'd come to that. You could tell she regretted it by the way she gasped and immediately started attempting to apologize, but you couldn't anymore. You had already began to run up the stairs into the bathroom, your mind ringing with her words. If you were a burden, it'd be better to stay in there and rot away.

You were left alone in the bathroom with your thoughts, alone with your hidden "safety" kit, if you could call a box that held such a harmful purpose, safe. But it's okay because this never left you, this was always there for you. It would just be this time you told yourself; you needed the comfort.

You knew how to clean up well, the only way Ellie would notice is if she really looked. She would probably check, considering she knew your destructive behavior. You wish you could feel pity over yourself for relapsing, but it just felt so numbing, It took no effect.

A sudden knock frightened you as you scrambled to put away all your materials. "Baby, will you please come out." You didn't know how to respond. Now that she was here, you knew how disappointed she'd be about what you did. Not telling her wasn't an option, you'd feel like a liar. "You're not a burden babe, I promise you you're not." She sounded stuffy as if she'd been crying. You couldn't ignore her for long, simply unlocking the door as an invitation.

Ellie quickly opened the door and brought you into a hug. You didn't hug back, but she understood. You stood there wondering if she'd hate you. Would she finally let you go? No, you couldn't keep doing this to yourself. You let yourself sink in her arms, crying. Her words are the last thing you remembered for the next days that passed like a fever dream. "I love you, my angel."

You never understood how quickly Ellie was able to adapt to your mania and depressive episodes. It was quite a lot to deal with and retain. You never understood until you found her journal she'd left out. You were cleaning up the table as your eyes found their way to her open words and drawings. She had thoughts, lists, notes about what was okay, not okay, what helped you, what hadn't. It was awfully sweet, she really cared and it showed. You didn't know how you manged to make her your girlfriend, her beauty and love always made your heart flutter.

Ellie once asked you to be the star of her nude drawing, as hesitant as you were, you trusted her with all your insecurities. She never showed you the drawing though, not until you came across it yourself. She portrayed your body lovingly, the curves of your skin rolled naturally, your stretch marks defining the growth you've gone through, your scars drawn fluidly. Did she really picture you like this? Did she really think you were this worth drawing for? Your heart felt warm, knowing this was how she thought of you.

The other drawings were full of you doing activities, playing with a stray cat that lingered your farm for a few months, watering the plants, petting the sheep, dancing with music, and laying on the grass. Every moment you could picture with her was sketched right in front of you.

Along the pages, there were separate sections that divided different things about your bpd.

What makes it worse

Being too touchy when she's irritated

The smell of cinnamon (oddly specific)

The pink pills

When a straight answer isn't given

What helps

Occasional weed usage (don't overuse !!)

Baths (most of the time)

The texture of her favorite sweater ( W symbol)

Treating her gentle (not too gentle)

Things to mention (that might help)

The new pill

Herbs for sleeping tea

New hobbies

Music record I found

Chore separation (on a normal day)

E- Herding sheep, hunting, fetching supplies, organizing imports

R- washing clothes, watering plants, hunting, feeding sheep

Both- Making food, cleaning, looking out for infected

surprise plans

Candlelit picnic dinner while watching meteor shower (Wednesday)

sensual massage ;)

bath with the relaxant oils I found

dancing to the record she liked but we broke (found another)

giving her the ring

[doctorguilty]

therapy stuff

anyway, now that I'm back on track with therapy.. my therapist tried to do a catch up on what's been going on with me in the time she was absent, which was uhh a lot, she asked how I was feeling overall. and I talked quite at length about everything going on, my sister this, my partner that, my family this n that, and by the end of it, she was like well seth, I asked how you were feeling, but you didn't really tell me much about that. and even when I asked if how these things things affecting people were making you feel, like if your sister experiencing xyz was making YOU feel concerned for how it impacts your situation, it was still about how you're concerned for HER situation. that's not your feelings. And I'm like... confused. I sort of get what she's saying, but I don't quite understand how they aren't my feelings. She specializes in BPD and this is like, the big difference here from everything else I've ever experienced with this stuff, ok, and is like see like, whenever we talk this is a pattern you have of enmeshment, and that's very common with BPD, to not know how to talk about your own feelings versus others, but like.. do you even know the difference? and I just felt like all the gears in my brain stop moving and I paused like. I.. don't know....... I guess I don't. like. seriously. I legitimately have no idea how else to answer the question when she asks how I'm doing. but when she points out that it's about everyone else it I SEE that it makes sense that it totally is. so I'm just like of like. lisasimpson.png about it .

i feel like I've heard this before in a way, EXCEPT in a very very negative cruel way coming from people who want to paint me like the worst person ever like, telling me I'm selfish because I like take everyone else's feelings and make it all about myself on purpose etc etc (tumblr dot com loveeeeeeeees to do this btw !!! :^)))) pretend that like hyperempathy/enmeshment/etc are not symptoms of any sort of disorders whatsoever and are just like Dark Empath(tm) TikTok girly pop pysch shit and you are the scum of the earth if you struggle with that like ok. guess i'll die) so all I do is like beat myself up over it while being like Shrug emoji I'm the worst what can ya do, but then like my therapist yesterday is like. you are LACKING selfishness in your emotions, you are incapable of talking about your own feelings for 60 seconds without talking in detail about someone else and your concern for them, ig that's just the difference when you work with someone who actually treats ppl with bpd like actual human beings and not demons cause hdsjgkdfhdh <:l

and this is not the first session where i was essentially being told I Need to be more selfish in some kind of way like I need to be more vocal about needs, I need to take up space, etc, like it's still really hard to accept any of that and there's like small steps I've taken i guess but . overall I still feel like the Worst person ever and I've been conditioned time and time again to believe I am the epitome of selfishness no matter WHAT I do. i'm literally embarrassed writing this post right now like I can't believe I'm out here trying to justify feeling like I'm a decent person when I must be just tricking my therapist into thinking I'm a better person than I actually am. but I'm going to post it anyway because I am a pathetic little worm of a person.................................................rips my skin off , wails and weeps. do u see what I'm dealing with here

[bpdetrimental]

yo idk if your chill w/ questions about bpd n shit but uhm

whats the difference between BPD n Borderline again? I think I have the one where its like weekly n not daily, but im still very unsure if thats a thing (did hear it from one of my friends) and am obviously still researching

just trying to learn n stuff yk, mb if this is too informal or something

Hello, my friend! Thank you for reaching out :) sorry this is a bit long, but I really want to help you out!

Although I am not an expert in any sort of sense, I do like to do research to help and understand others with mental illnesses. I hope this may be able to help you understand a few of the key differences of the two to help you along your journey!

Bpd (borderline personality disorder) is more of the kind where you feel intense mood swings depending on many different variables. Here is a definition I have found to help define it in short

“Borderline personality disorder is a mental health condition that affects the way people feel about themselves and others, making it hard to function in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable, intense relationships, as well as impulsiveness and an unhealthy way of seeing themselves. Impulsiveness involves having extreme emotions and acting or doing things without thinking about them first.”

Here is a link to read up on it if you’re interested!

This article really helps you get a grasp of some of the key concepts, causes, risk factors, etc.

There is also the criteria you have to meet to be diagnosed with Borderline, for which you need to meet at least 5 of 9 of them to be diagnosed.

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Unfortunate, right? Well, there are also subtypes of the disorder, which make it very difficult to get a proper diagnosis as well.

1. Impulsive

2. Discouraged

3. Self-Destructive

4. Petulant

Here’s a link to an article that may help to learn about them as well!

Link: https://www.verywellhealth.com/types-of-bpd-5193843

Now onto BP (Bipolar Disorder)

Here is a definition I have found and I will provide the link, which includes the definitions for the differing diagnoses and questions and answers regarding the disorder.

“Bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, activity levels, and concentration. These shifts can make it difficult to carry out day-to-day tasks.”

Link: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder

Of course, there are similarities between the disorders, but key differences as well! Things like mood changes, suicidal behavior and harmful behavior, are things both have in common, whereas a key difference is the rate at which the moods change. For example, a Bipolars mood may last distinct periods of time (maybe weeks or more), while a Borderlines moods may change rapidly within the course of a few minutes.

Here’s an article of the similarities and differences of the two!

Link: https://www.healthline.com/health/your-faqs-answered-bipolar-disorder-vs-borderline-personality-disorder

Of course, as I have said, I am by no means a professional! I encourage you to do your own research (you know yourself best) to see if either of them resonates with how you’re feeling! This way, you are able to get a diagnoses and some help!

Either way, you need to know you are not broken, and still are deserving of love. People with personality disorders have suffered a lot, and yet we are still stigmatized and hated by some. Nonetheless, I have learned that the community here on tumblr (and others out there!) are more than welcoming and accepting. There is always help out there!

And if anybody with BP or BPD has anything else to add, or would like to correct me on anything please let me know or comment! We are all here to help each other <3

[traumatizeddfox]

Hey! I guess I’m sorta seeking advice?

I know it’s a part of the human experience to struggle to understand how loved & important you are & I know this is pushed even further for me because I have mental health issues/bpd that clouds judgement- BUT

im in a relationship that, for the most part, really is great for me! And really is healthy & beneficial in a lot of ways. Like we clearly communicate, we sincerely try to work on issues we all have (polyamory), and we have all grown to be a lot better with a lot of things!

But certain needs of mine get pushed to the side- and I find myself growing steadily unsure of the relationship after I’ve been seriously emotionally hurt a few times. My partners don’t do the best job of checking up on me. And Im having a really hard time telling if I’m staying when I shouldn’t- or if im just having a really tough time emotionally right now.

So I suppose I’m sort of seeking any possible advice for how you might approach digging through foggy emotions? Or trying to navigate complex n silly queer situations?

If not thats ofc fine! I appreciate the space to ramble at least!

Sincerely,

Foyote🦊

I’ve never been in a polygamous relationship but if i was i think i would maybe sit everyone down and just be open about how you feel, maybe set up a plan on how to discuss how you feel and let everyone have a healthy and open discussion about needs, boundaries and wants, etc. i think that’s the best way to do it. BUT if you find that maybe your partners are more close to each other than you, then I would suggest thinking it maybe a poly relationship isn’t the best for you (or at least this one)

[borderline-culture-is]

Alrighty, thank you. I'm gonna try to keep it short. I have bpd and am aroace. I recently came to the conclusion I'm greyromantic (took me a long time to figure out because I thought it was because of my bpd). And about 4 months ago I split "because of" my now ex-fiance (we're ldr by the way, had dated for over a year), because she said that I didn't care about her sexual assault, while I had basically been there for her literally 24/7 and have comforted her constantly and had many sleepless nights to help her through her trauma and I care a lot. After 2 months she finally felt a bit better and no longer suicidal. Since she said that and since my split, I thought I might as well drop the bomb and came out to her as greyro. We decided to take a break and broke up 2 weeks ago, and since a bit before that I'm no longer capable of feeling romantic love for her no matter how hard I try or force myself. I'm wondering if this could be related to my bpd or if it's me being greyro? Before she hurt me like that and "made" me split, I felt romantic love for her every other day and now it's just nonexistent. I've read about the romantic moodswings people with bpd can experience and I'm wondering if you might know if that's the case or not? The split (actually, what she said) and the fight still affect me a lot, and my ex told me she felt unloved by me for months, because I haven't been able to show her or feel a lot of love since my split. It just felt wrong and forced. And since 2 weeks before we broke up I didn't feel any love for her at all any more, even though I did want to. I did notice my bpd "symptoms" calmed down a LOT since we broke up. But now I'm not sure if this not feeling any romantic love any more is bpd or me being aroace.

I had already purchased a flight ticket to meet up with her in January, I bought it before the split even happened. We do want to talk about things and go over things but because of my greyro a normal relationship definitely isn't gonna happen any more. Before our break we talked about a possible queerplatonicrelationship, but I want to make sure she gets what she needs out of that and that I actually improve my feelings for her. Right now I'm just hurt all the time, every picture of us together triggers me, I don't even want to think about her any more, it sucks.

Thank you for taking your time to try and help me with this, it means a lot

-🐦

Okay

I think that the sudden lack of romantic love feelings isn't a greyromantic thing, I think it's def an emotional response to what happened (so probably BPD)

I think we say this because of the BPD flare-ups and such calming down a lot after breaking up, that sounds like maybe now that you aren't together anymore, the things that were hurting you stopped, therefore making those BPD responses not needed anymore (deemed by the brain).

I say that cause it's a traumagenic disorder, and it'd make sense that your brain would both kinda cease the love and BPD responses once it perceives the hurt and danger to be over per se.

I think you could heal from this. It'd just take a lot of work and cooperation from both parties, me thinks.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, brain is mush rn. If you want us to try n further elaborate when our brain is less mush we can 👍 i hope things work out ok, you got this OP 💪

-🌸+🪶

[tetsunabouquet]

Basic Instinct Chapter 21

A/N: Some angst from Reader-Chan's side as she talks with Akashi's grandma, so heads up! You know the associated warnings at this point. Masterpost

After dinner, Akashi's grandmother had invited you to the drawing room, so the two of you could have a chat about your mother. A topic that always left you feeling sick with anxiety. You didn't knew how she was respond, what she would do. Having been used to an unstable life, you were always extremely hypervigilant about the topic, and you could feel the tension between your shoulder blades. You sat down in front of her, trying not to feel like you were going to throw up. "There is no need to look so frightened, I will not do anything against your will. Seijuro tells me your mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and from what I've heard about it I can imagine your mother to be quite controlling. That is not my intention and I will not cross any of your boundaries. It's safe." There was something about her saying it was safe that triggered you as you could feel the burning sensation of tears in your eyes. You didn't want to cry in front of Akashi's grandmother without even having said a word about it, you didn't want to break down so easily. You didn't want to seem weak. "Yes, that is true." You managed to say, holding back your tears. "My mom has BPD." Rima nodded calmly, "Has she ever received psychiatric help before?" You inhaled, "Yeah. When she was pregnant she thought it was important, so she could become a better mom." "And did she stop thinking it was important?" You bit your lip as tears leaked from your eyes. You nodded, being unable to respond in words. "When did she stop therapy?" "When I was small, s-she relapsed wh-when I was about n-nine," you hiccuped. Rima looked at you, and couldn't help but feel sorry, for you had lost the mother that you knew at such a tender age. 'She was even younger than Sei-Chan when Shiori passed away. It must be such a painful loss'. "Where's your father?" "On a bussines trip overseas, he is most of the ti-time. I feel like he's just t-trying to escape her." You looked like such an unloved child, it broke Rima's heart in a maternal way. "Does your mother at least take some medication?" You shook your head, as more tears rolled down your face. "Now, I'll see to it what I can do, but I do need to know the grounds of which I can operate. You don't seem to be hiding any bruises, but what about emotional abuse, neglect?" You gritted your teeth. "When she's mad at me, she'll c-call me names and say mean s-stuff." You wiped your face with your sleeve. "L-like," you took a deep breath, trying to say the following sentences without hiccuping over your words, "I'm a parasite that suck away her happiness." Whilst you got the sentence out, the words triggered a new wave of tears, and Rima stood up so she could come over and hold you close. You cried in the elderly lady's warm arms, as she patted the back of your head. "It's alright, it must be so hard for you. Does she take proper care of your needs?" You shook your head. "For a couple of yea-years now she ref-refuses to cook dinner when she d-doesn't feel like it. For e-example." Rima sighed, and she continued patting your head. After a while, when you started calming down, she said, "How about you meet up with Seijuro before going to bed. You should allow yourself to be loved." Your lips trembled, but you did as she said after thanking her.

And thus you rested your head against Seijuro's shoulder. The two of you were allowed to hang out in his new bedroom, and you were curled up against him, using his bed as an improvised couch as he had been going through a photo album of his mom's childhood whilst you had been talking with his grandmother. You looked at the album, but you didn't really see it. Your mind was in a distant place, the softness of the matrass, silk sheets and Akashi's hand that was rubbing soft, comforting circles on your back was soothing you and you were too emotionally exhausted not to give in and space out. "You know, you should go to sleep and take some care of yourself. I'll be here, in the same house as you for the next couple of days. We'll enjoy ourselves plenty tomorrow, okay?" You looked at him and he kissed your forehead. Smiling lazily, you said, "It really was nice to see you before going to bed." "Perhaps someday we'll be sleeping in the same bed, and you can relax as you listen to me breathe." Akashi teased. "You shouldn't let your grandmother hear that!" You giggled and got off the bed. "Can't wait for that day though, goodnight." "Goodnight my love."

[dreamcrush]

for the idol identity ask game: 5 + 8 + 10. questions go to both mods + for any/as many of your kins as you want :]

5. Is there anyway your timeline differed from source? It could be a small or big thing.

erm im miker . my mika canon is rather divergent just because im uhh worse maybe. im very reclusive and not good at friends at all and really don’t have. any friends for the most part until i get put in the dorm system with ritsu. that’s because naru ended up dropping me, she got real mad at how bpd i was basically and said i was hurting her and a terrible friend and she just stopped talking to me around the same time nazunii left valkyrie too. so my whole first n second year pretty much im just all alone, and im real scared of people so i don’t really wanna make too many friends anyways. i just stay real close with oshisan and madonee and latch on to them for dear life. eventually i am real good friends with ritsu, i love him a whole lot. we might have been more than friends but i don’t super understand emotions like that so im no good at telling. i love him though i know that for truth. and i love oshi san and madonee. i don’t end up being able to forgive nazunii ever really i don’t think… like i’ve read human comedy and it’s just not quite right. there’s too much hurt there still i think for me let go of. maybe more stuff i don’t remember rn - 🏹

I just recently discovered I kin Tsumugi and it's quite a bit divergent. I think I was actually in Eden possibly? Or just another unit entirely as things with Natsume didn't go as well as hoped. I'm still remembering things and working out the issues / gaps of recollection but yeah! - 🪽

8. Who was your closest friend? Tell me about them.

as izumi my best friends are chiaki and kaoru. this is constant across a Lot of my canons and i have some rather divergent ones too. chiaki is energetic and loud and kind of gross and sweaty but as long as he doesn’t touch me i don’t give him As much of a hard time about it. he smells like boys and jumps all over people and is always eager to help and be praised and always willing to offer a listening ear or to dish out attention, which is much appreciated. he’s very emotional and not super great at thinking things through and he harbors a lot of anxiety he doesn’t like to let others know about, but i do, and kaoru does too, and we’re his friends and we help where we can. kaoru is closed off like i am, pretty faces and teasing and sweet cologne to hopefully distract you from picking out whatever is hurting in his heart. not me though, im not into him, but i see the pain settling the surface tension there, and i don’t ignore it. they take care of me more than perhaps id ever want to admit, but i take care of those two losers too. chiaki was probably one of the biggest reasons i didn’t end up offing myself or doing something otherwise seriously bad after leo left so genuinely in a way i owe him and his comfort and genuine care for me my life. and kaoru is so unsure about himself, has so much disgust and hatred built up in his heart towards his own person and i help him figure things out as best i can. i help with feelings and love in a way his family never cared to teach him, i help him figure out he likes boys, figure out he likes kanata and chiaki, figure out that it’s okay to be a little open, a little vulnerable every once in a while, that it can feel good to be close with another guy even if just as a friend, because community is good and closeness feels terrifying but healing. they’re my best friends. i love them a lot. - 🏹

Leo time- I kinda want to take this to talk a little about Mama? I don't remember him as well as I kinda wish I did? And I don't know if i'd even call him my closest friend but I do know I cared about him and things were really hard with things revolving around him but I'm starting to slowly remember a few things and he was just. very protective of me? he was protective of anyone he cared about of course but i just remember he was there to help with a lot of things. not that sena wasn't enough for me and didn't help enough but with how much i split on him and was clashed it was nice to have a friend to bounce that energy off of and that's what mama was for me. he's just a really good person deep down i think. - 🪽

10. Was there a relationship (doesn't need to be romantic) in your canon you find funny looking back on?

jun and nagisa for real. we were pretty good friends especially because of how ohiisan is, but we are from very different worlds and are very different personalities. i like video games and working out and a ton of typical boy stuff i don’t think nagisenpai was ever exposed to at all. but he likes animals and archeology and reading and quiet the likes that i’ve never really engaged with before either. i play games with him, hang out with him on downtime, practice together, rest together. ohiisans always happy to see us getting along well too, so that’s a bonus, even if he’s got his jealous streak. it’s funny though in that i expose him to a lot of internet stuff for the first time really, stuff like shooter games and memes / stupid funny shit and a bunch of new things that his autism gets kinda hung up on, i think he has fun though. and i even cater stuff to try and be more inclusive with him, or pick things i think he might like more. he likes watching me play shooters more than playing them himself, but i hear about games that have archeology functions or emphasis on different gems or bones or any of these things he’s into and im like hey let’s check it out. it’s just fun - 🏹

literally as mao my relationship with ritsu LMAO because i do not have a canon so far where i was ever with him romantically but he would always tell everyone we were or somehow convince them we were, despite me usually being with someone else romantically. i loved him obviously and sometimes it did feel like more than friendship but i wouldnt say anything deeply romantic. it just always makes me laugh how we were never romantically together to my recollection. - 🪽

[fbfh]

dad!Robert and sister!Sophia Quinn + Quinn!reader hcs - the fosters

wc: 1.5k

pairing: dad!robert quinn + sister!sophia quinn + quinn!reader

warnings: vague allusions to reader having a rough life before living with the quinns, sophia has bpd, robert and sophia both adore you, jill hates you, sibling shenanegins with sophia, robert is trying to be a good dad, brief mention of playing just dance while your parents divorce, I think that's it??

genre: familial fluff with hints of crack and angst

a/n: hey girl I'm hyperfixating on the fosters again! daily reminder that you're faves live in disbelief of how loveable you are! as with the previous fosters hcs if you don't know why you were tagged its bc of the domestic/found family trope!!

@youkissedareaderinthedark @girlfriendwhoseawitch @mrscarolscaramoucheplease

Okay assuming you have a backstory somewhat similar to Callie's

Meaning you didn't know your dad was actually Robert Quinn until recently and through a variety of circumstances he's fighting for custody of you 

It's going to be…… interesting 

Honestly Sophia is messy enough for her own tlc show 

And Robert is so desperate to make up for lost time and be worlds best dad

And Jill?????? Jill detests you 

So there's obviously going to be some silly antics 

Shenanigans if you will 

When Robert first sees you he has to try so hard not to cry

You look so much like your mom, the love of his life

She really was the one that got away 

He feels like he has a piece of her back now

And he is so determined to be there for you now

He’s not letting you slip through his fingers again

You now have more emotional and financial support than you ever did before

Once you’re comfortable enough for it to not be weird he will absolutely give you a credit card for literally whatever you want

One of his love languages is gift giving so when he sees you and Sophia going on shopping sprees together 

When he gets texts from you asking if you can get something you want or food or something

Even though he’s reassured you a million times you don’t have to ask

He gets so happy

He’s so happy to know he can take care of you and provide for you now

He wishes so badly he could have been doing it from the start

But he’s just glad he found out as soon as he did instead of another ten years later

Also if there’s anything you ever wanted to do and didn’t have the money or opportunity to

Surprise

Robert has already signed you up for figure skating and ballet and your violin will be arriving at the end of this week

He just loves spending time with you and Sophia

He loves spending time with both his kids

It makes him happier than he ever thought he could be

And oh my god Sophia??????

She always wanted a sibling

And now she has one

And it’s literally the fucking coolest person in the world?????

She is so desperate to be just like you

For you to think she’s cool too

She wants to be like super mega close sibling bffs with you

She wants to have sleepovers and share secrets 

She doesn’t really realize that that requires a lot of work and time to achieve and you can’t really jump straight there with enough enthusiasm 

You might need to be a little patient with her and set some boundaries 

But she’s just really excited to finally have a sibling yk

Roberts parents (and probably Jill) will accuse him of being a little obsessed with you

But he’s just trying to make up for lost time yk

Sophia however actually is a little obsessed with you 

They all but explicitly stated she has bpd 

You can probably tell pretty soon that she’s a little mentally ill right off the bat

Like you’re not really one to miss red flags yk

One good thing about how much they both care about you and how much influence you have in your new family is that if you tell Robert you’re worried about Sophia

He will take that totally seriously 

Even if Jill doesn’t or thinks he’s overreacting or Sophia is  being dramatic 

Robert will start watching her a little more closely and realize you’re right

He’ll get her into therapy so she can get help before things get worse

He’ll get you in therapy too if you want/need it

That’s one of those moments that really solidifies in his mind that you’re meant to be part of their family

His kids looking out for each other yk

Also once her she starts getting better and some of that obsession burns away

You’ll be able to have a really great relationship with her

It’s so fucking hard for her to not copy everything you do

Like once you move in she wants to decorate her room like yours

She always wants to borrow your clothes and copy your style

She thinks whatever you like to do is absolutely the elite hobby/extracurricular 

And oh my god if you like horses too????

Her two favorite things have just combined

Robert would absolutely get you a horse so you two can go riding together 

She brags to all her friends at Archfield about how fucking cool you are

Eventually you end up getting to have all the classic sibling experiences you didn't have with each other 

Late night talks about life and mental illness and existentialism 

"Can I borrow your top" "No" "Please :(" "Fine"

Basement just dance battles to the death while Robert and Jill are divorcing upstairs 

You show up to all each others events and hype the hell out of each other 

Your texts are half just sending each other tiktoks 

"You" "dad" "dad and Jill" "us" "your horse"

She sends you a lot of astrology memes and incorrect quotes of your signs 

She gets so excited whenever you consult her about your personal life 

You send her a screenshot of texts asking if it passes the vibe check 

It does not 

She loves talking mad shit with you

About people from your schools and extracurriculars 

Sometimes about Jill

Robert is trying to make it work with her 

He really is

But she fucking hates you 

She refuses to even give you a chance

And you know he's never going to pick anyone over his kids

Especially not after everything yall have been through 

You and Sophia both sort of know it's a matter of time at this point

Jill is one of those handful of almond moms who will antagonize you for almost anything 

You can't even swear around Jill bc she doesn't like it

She won't even let Sophia say oh my god 

So whenever you swear around Robert and Sophia it's like a little inside joke 

Even when you let out a long string of substitute swear words when Jill is there they still find it hilarious 

Because they know what you'd be saying if she weren't there 

"Butt…muncher on a pogo stick!"

They find it hilarious 

Jill is not amused

Sometimes Sophia looks up your old neighborhood on Google maps and imagines what your childhood was like

What it would have been like if you were raised together 

There are tons of trees she imagines you'd climb together, sidewalks to ride your bikes on, places to play hide and seek 

Sometimes Robert looks at your old neighborhood and has to try not to cry

His baby was that close this whole time and he had no idea??

They're both just really glad they have you now 

That you have each other 

Also your birthday????

It's practically a national holiday 

Sophia bases half her gift planning on your birth chart and the other half on every piece of information she's retained about you 

Robert is lowkey celebrating the whole month 

He feels like he has a lot to make up for and he's not going to let this day be anything less than spectacular 

God help you if it's your sweet 16

He is going to to so fucking ham people are still talking about it years later

Sophia gets so fucking excited if your birthdays are close together 

Like so fucking excited 

She has a little count down on her phone to "quinn siblings birthday season" 

It becomes a tradition for each of you to team up with Robert to plan the other one's birthday 

Instead of the standard birthday parties Jill would throw and invite half of Sophia's class

And a bunch of adults to network with

This year you and Robert surprise her with a day full of horseback riding and shopping and devil's food cake and all her other favorite things

And a Fiona apple concert over the weekend 

If this is what birthdays are supposed to be like she thinks she's been missing out

And for your birthday?????

They plan a whole week full of surprises 

Sophia's been making careful mental notes of all the stuff you want to do and go see 

Suffice it to say it's the best birthday you could have wished for 

For Robert's birthday you and Sophia plan to surprise him with a bunch of crafts and handmade presents  he probably would have gotten from both of you if you'd found each other sooner 

You make craft paper turkeys and macaroni necklaces and casts of your hand prints

You buy white ties and color them in with paint markers 

You even mark your heights on the doorway of his office 

He cries so fucking hard

He loves it

He loves his kids

It's the second best present he's ever gotten

The first will always be you and Sophia 

[0v3rachi3v3r]

sometimes i think abt the (ex)friend i had from middle/high school all thru college

(it was intended to be story time but it ended up pretty high key Vent)

tbh i more or less dissociated from my ms/hs years so i didn’t even realise we’d been friends that long

i introduced her to my (then) Good Friend - he and i met bc we were paired in class (alphabetically close last name) and that was it, but we hit it off. he introduced her to his roommate and they had a dnd group or whatever.

fast forward a few years, height of covid, roommate graduated and was dating my friend for a year or two now, they have their apartment and whatever. bc i was kinda stuck in the dorms doing my masters online, they invited me to their apartment until covid was over and/or school was out.

i remember how they had a fight over me staying too long, financial stuff and all, after I stayed for about 2 weeks (“spring break” week included, since that’s when school was out and never came back)

but the other thing i remember was her, reminiscing about “the old days” how we were depressed n all that, how we were always putting aside our own sadness to take care of the other… but how that was over, “we made it,” she said with so much confidence… but i couldn’t be happy because i hadn’t made it, i was still there (mostly bc of my bpd/emotional disregulation which was rly bad bc my then-bf had just broken up with me a month or so prior) but i really just couldn’t feel like “we made it” and i remember feeling like she was doing that to low-key/backhandedly spite me. obvs i knew she wasn’t trying to, so i went along with it with a little “haha yea can you believe it” type thing…

i asked my family to pay for a plane ticket so i could leave so my friends wouldn’t be burdened by me, asked said friends for a ride to the airport. they insisted they won’t take any money bc i already helped with groceries by pitching in $100 or so, but I insisted and paypal’d them ~$200 anyways for letting me stay for so long (after I spent $300 for their dexacom and alcohol wipes that were sold out everywhere)

that summer i was down in the dumps like half my hs posting was in 2013-2015. by this time i’d known that living with family made me feel awful, but I had to bc financially i had no where else to go. due to my moods, i just didn’t have the energy to reply to friend when she learned abt me taking ASL as one of my courses online. she, as a CODA, was interested as well and wanted to help me practice signing. i went 3? weeks without talking to her because i felt like shit. when i finally had the energy to talk to her again, she’d blocked me. and i couldn’t message her back with the “sorry i didn’t get back to you, i was depressed af”

i tried talking to mutual friends - college bestie and his roommate - but nothing from roommate. college “bestie” told me about how i was a self centered brat (did not elaborate) and blocked me as well.

that “friendship decay” thing hit me really hard when it was going around a few days ago bc some people really do have friendship decay. if it was just her then that woulda been fine but she took most of my college friends with her. that, im not fine about.

i know you won’t see but an old mutual may so let me just say:

talk to both sides before you deem someone to be irredeemable and block them bc your friend said so. if $600 in 2 weeks is “selfish” then you don’t have the whole story.

i know it isn’t the case but it really feels like my only friends are from elementary or from my grad school years, and i absolutely hate it.

emotional permanence please don’t fail me

[reverieaa]

Your perspective makes things seem easy but imo when changing something like your appearence it can be very tricky to accept your desire as real in the 4d while the 3d is still loading. Pls dont feel like im dumping my negativity onto your tumblr but like I have bdd and today Im gonna miss ANOTHER party because i look disgusting and dont want anyone taking my pictures. Its hard to manage all of that while simouteinasly "living in the 4d".

If i really had my DF I would be taking so many pictures rn, i would be going out n having fun.... this is just an example as to why sometimes ppl may prefer affirming other than living in wish fullfiled, tho affirming doesnt rlly give me results either.

I understand where you're coming from, even though loa is a simple concept to work with it's still not easy for people because you're changing your whole view on life and breaking habits you've been taught since birth and I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. This is why I advice ppl to NEVER blame or bully themselves for spiraling and being human, that is normal.

However the reason why people may find it hard to live in the 4D and when they do only spiral bc of the 3D is because they still believe they are an outer man, meaning they have read loa but don't fully understand it or have not yet accepted it. Licing in your imagination is somthing you should want to do, not force yourself to do until you feel bad.

Like Neville said when he addressed this, words themselves have no power without you, so using affirming as a way to "get things" only leads to more lack because that's what they have accepted from the beginning. You could live in the 4D, have a perfect life and take amazing pictures, but if you don't see it as real you're going to feel delusional and feel like you're forcing yourself to "be something you're not" which will make you sprial and give up.

Trust me I have been through the affirming thing, other techniques too that never worked for me, when i entered the wish fulfilled state once, it was the most amazing feeling in my life because I did not care what the 3D was showing in the slightest, it was automatic. These problems that relate to "the 3D", persisting, negative thoughts and "how will it come abt" take care of themselves and dissappear when you put yourself first by fulfilling yourself with whatever it is you desire. To give yourself what you want and be gentle is to love yourself, to trust imagination is to trust yourself. You never ever, try to push your emotions away.

However I have no experience with BPD so I really do not have any specific advice, nor a relatable experience, therefore if this does not resonate with you than that that is totally ok 💕 I hope no one feels like they have to take my words as gospel and degrade themselves over their mental health and push it away. Always do what you feel is easiest and best for you. Take care💐

[saintless-star]

nightowl angst | bpd au

i never do these but my brain has found something to fixate on so here we are

so i def headcanon nightowl as having bpd. (listener is his fp; he splits on them/others; his emotions are sudden, extreme, and polarised, he suffers from intense fear of abandonment; rejection sensitivity dysphoria?; intense anger; self destructive behaviour and coping mechanisms (e.g. excessive drinking); i could go on. i could write an essay. maybe i will. but not now.)

so like. i was thinking,,, of some nightowl angst. with a sprinkling of some more bpd traits in there. [pls be mindful of your own triggers, this is angsty, take care of your noggin pls!! if i miss any triggers in the tags, lmk asap! also like. spoilers.]

nightowl & bloomic are all belonged to @robobarbie and team!!

so. events of nightowl’s route go ahead as per. but what if he doesn’t believe you in the end? 

maybe at first, in the moment, especially bc you’re his fp, he is filled with the most intense joy when you tell him you like him back. with everything that happened, he expected you to leave or at the very least scream and yell. but you didn’t. you had actually listened and understood and still liked him through it all. it was a fucking miracle.

or a lie.

as soon as you log off for the night, the thoughts come. that you were actually just pitying him. that you felt sorry for him. that you didn’t want to hurt him, because you were too kind to ever hurt anyone. he had made you feel bad, by projecting all of his shit onto your words, and now you were walking on eggshells to try to appease him. shit. fuck. 

he avoids the server for a few days. he sees the pings coming in, from june, from onion, from you. he ignores them. the shame, the embarrassment, is too much. they probably all knew by now. that you had agreed to date him out of pity. you didn’t even need to say it outright; they’d all seen how he’d treated you, and could put two and two together. you’d agreed out of sympathy. out of fear.

fuck. his fucking parents were right. onion was right. everyone was. he was useless, and damaged, and nothing could change that, no matter how hard he tried. 

and then another thought crept in. what if you truly did like him the same way? what if it wasn’t out of any sort of moral obligation, but genuine feelings? somehow, it just made him feel worse. because it was inevitable that he would fuck up again. his jealousy would get the best of him. or he would read too much into your messages again, and blow up at you. or he would fail, or relapse, and have to face your disappointment in him. oh jesus. 

no. no matter what the situation was, it would be better if he just cut things off. he couldn’t handle the pity, and he couldn’t handle hurting you again. there was no way this would work. 

he logs on one last time. goes into your private channel.

i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have told you that i like you. i’ll only hurt you. we should let this go.

you don’t even get a chance to respond before the bloombot announces he’s been removed from the server. the other channels explode with concern. where is he? what happened? y/n? where did he go?

no number to call. no name to search. he was gone. he was gone forever.

[cursedsunoo]

Hey so I don't know if you feel comfortable to write something about this topic but could you write txt reacting to their s/o suffering from borderline personality disorder? I know it may be a lil uncomfortable for you to write something like this so I can underdtand if you don't want to! But it would really brighten up my mood right now :( and btw I rly love your writing! :D ♡

🌐 TXT’S REACTION TO THEIR S/O BEING DIAGNOSED WITH BPD

♡ includes — txt

♡ warnings — severe mood swings, dissociative behaviour

♡ pronouns — they/them

♡ a/n — while normally i try to stay away from certain mental health topics due to my limited knowledge on them, i’m taking this as a way to learn more about it. that being said, this is based off of the research i’ve done online, so please speak up if i’ve made any mistakes at all!

#YEONJUN

♡ yeonjun wouldn’t really notice that anything was going on unless you told him — that being said however, he does grow both confused and concerned if you snap at him out of nowhere or fall into unhealthy habits suddenly. when he finally finds out that you suffer from bpd, yeonjun puts in a lot of effort to learn more about it as well as educating the people he’s around (the boys) — he wants both himself and the people around you to be aware of things and how to help you in anyway they can

#SOOBIN

♡ he’s very understanding when you tell him that you have bpd — albeit confused, but understanding overall. soobin, like yeonjun, goes out of his way to learn more about it — he does a lot of his own research online (soobin would watch those videos on youtube titled “a day in the life of someone with bpd” because he wants to see how different you may see and experience the world compared to him. soobin definitely tried to become more in tune with your emotions since bpd is healing influenced by them

#BEOMGYU

♡ i could see beomgyu being one of the most educated on the topic for some reason — while he doesn’t know every fact and symptom that it brings, he knows the basic outline of how it may affect someone. beomgyu is very in tune with your own emotions, but also has a tight grip on his own — the last thing he wants to do is snap on you for something you can’t really control, so if there was ever a time that he was getting frustrated with you, he’d just breathe a few times and try to regulate himself (he ultimately just wants to make sure you’re okay, and show you that he’s there no matter what)

#TAEHYUN

♡ knows very little about bpd, but is ready to learn with open ears. taehyun is always there to help ground you when the world seems to be going to fast for your brain to handle, and he’s always there with a calm face and gentle words even when you may be treating him harshly or trying to push him away. i can see him being one of the most mentally and physically understanding of the group — he gets when you need space, but will always hover slightly to make sure you’re not doing anything irrational, and makes a hard effort to help with your mood swings

#HUENINGKAI

♡ hueningkai is really confused at the start i’m not gonna lie — even after you explain to him the condition you have, what it entails, and what exactly he should expect from you, i think it takes awhile for it to properly click. when it does however, he’s so patient and understanding with you — he never rushes you, blames you, or lets his own emotions show (no matter how strong they are) just so he can be of help to you in anyway. heuningkai assures you a lot that he’s there every step of the way with you, and that nothing can push him away from you