#bpd mom

[cyb3rbon3z]

having a baby and having bpd really fucks with your sense of identity

who tf even am i anymore?

[tetsunabouquet]

Basic Instinct Chapter 16

A/N: Here, we will get to precious Reader-Chan's side of what happened after the incident from chapter 13. Usual warnings apply, especially the abuse related ones. Masterpost

You dreaded going home more then anything, and dreading would be an understatement, really. You knew your mother was going to give you hell, but the scary part is that you didn't knew what to expect. That was the thing of dealing with a parent with psychiatric issues: You could learn the triggers and patterns but in the end there would always be an unpredictable element in play. And that terrified you. You felt like a soldier unwillingly sent to war, whenever you went home knowing she was angry. You knew the general things to expect and how to navigate the situation; but reality would always be different from the safe, tried simulations of training. There was always a chance of everything getting even more worse and getting hurt. Your mother's anger tantrums were definitely crossing the borders of physical abuse as of late, and her spiralling into her own anger and despair left you fearing for yourself. It had all started when you were nine, her relapse; and she was only spiralling further the more time went on. Entire days where you were ignored and given the silent treatment, where you were left scavenging the household for snacks because she didn't wanted to make dinner, entire days of arguing and fighting. All you wanted was to have your mother back, but the version she loved drifted away from you, slowly with time, and the worst part was that the reasons why you adored your mother so fiercely were getting blurrier. As if you were forgetting your mom, the version of her that you loved. Her memory drowned with time, as you looked at a mother you sometimes barely could recognize. Like a weird, inverse dementia, which made the times you needed someone or were you could remember who she used to be, all the more painful. Your father had died before you were born, so you couldn't truly mourn him at all. As a child when the fights began, you had prayed for this to be a lie and for him to come save you. But he, or the countless of other times you prayed for basically anyone to save you, never came for you. Everyone always turnt their backs to what was happening, you weren't worth fighting for to them. 'But Sei is different then everyone else. Sei actually loves me.' You thought as tears filled your eyes. You were in front of your doorstep, and trying your best not to shake. You were close to throwing up. With a deep breath you opened the door, and with the tiniest babysteps you entered your home. You closed the door behind you as your mother appeared in the hallway. You were pretty certain the hairs in your neck were raising with fear. She had her usual calm but scary composure when she was in Bad mode. It was collected and cool, but her eyes and demeanor were radiating a rage that left you quivering with terror. Your mother didn't even need to shout at you, the psychotic anger in her eyes was intimidation enough. Not that this was her only method of intimidation. You swallowed. "Hi mom." You greeted in a small voice. "You don't need to use that baby talk," your mother hissed disapproving, and you tried to keep yourself from bursting to tears. Per usual, she wouldn't even be civilized enough to greet you back before hurling her angry remarks at you. and it hurt you deeply. The lack of even basic human courtesy was so upsetting, how normal it was for her to just be angry and angry whilst you tried to be nice only to receive her hate; it was so exhausting. Your lips were trembling and your eyes were pricking with tears. "I'm sorry it happened mama. I'm really sorry." You bowed your head towards her, tears spilling over your cheeks. "Go ahead and cry, you brat! I work my ass off to let you attend that expensive school and you repay me by acting like a complete dimwit!" Your mother's controlled but harsh words were like a whip and every remark left a wound on your heart. "I cannot help that he loves me and kissed me mama! You weren't even a virgin at my age!" The words left your mouth, even though you knew you shouldn't say them. But your mother's anger at the situation when she had been the troublemaker of her school and had switched various schools when she was a teen for that very reason, was just plain unfair and hypocritical. You always did your best to be a good kid, unlike she had, so why on earth were you the one vilified for your mistakes?! 'Besides, if she doesn't wants me to talk down on her and respect her then she should better be someone worth respecting and an actual mother. It's not like I'd even know if you didn't treated me as your bestie when you are in Good mode.' But your mother was seeing red, and she was stepping close to you, looming over you like a threat. You shrunk back against the door as she raised her hand in a threatening manner. "How dare you speak to me like that?!" You swallowed and looked at her feet, close to hyperventilating. Your every instinct screaming for you to run, you slowly maneuvered past her before bolting for the basement. As you locked the basement door, you could hear your mother's voice through the door; "I don't need to see your face again. You'd better stay there if I were you." You swallowed, and cried as you went to the makeshift bed you had there for moments like these. You continued crying as you fell down the dark memories of how she controlled you like a doll and your every tiny mistake was treated like a sin. You sent text messages to Seijuro, just ranting about the memories filling your head. You sobbed into the pillow, and it seemed endless. You had been so stressed out, you weren't even hungry after an hour or two passed. You were getting sleepy from all the emotion, and you allowed it to overtake you. 'Please, don't let me wake up... Unless it's Seijuro...'

[cowboyposer]

Sometimes I think about asuka in the anime and I break down into tears because that did not need to happen to her

[uhmidkman]

Said no to my bpd mum and she compared me to my father who literally molested me as a child

[widowbits-blog]

When two borders coming off the line are dying to say, "I love you," but still aren't sure of the consequences or what that even means.

[bpdetrimental]

Being traumatized from an early age is strange.

I long for a home I never had.

[adustoflove]

No one understands guilt better than a girl with emotionally immature parents

[punkeropercyjackson]

And if i said Ramona Flowers gives Percy Jackson

[tetsunabouquet]

Basic Instinct Chapter 21

A/N: Some angst from Reader-Chan's side as she talks with Akashi's grandma, so heads up! You know the associated warnings at this point. Masterpost

After dinner, Akashi's grandmother had invited you to the drawing room, so the two of you could have a chat about your mother. A topic that always left you feeling sick with anxiety. You didn't knew how she was respond, what she would do. Having been used to an unstable life, you were always extremely hypervigilant about the topic, and you could feel the tension between your shoulder blades. You sat down in front of her, trying not to feel like you were going to throw up. "There is no need to look so frightened, I will not do anything against your will. Seijuro tells me your mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and from what I've heard about it I can imagine your mother to be quite controlling. That is not my intention and I will not cross any of your boundaries. It's safe." There was something about her saying it was safe that triggered you as you could feel the burning sensation of tears in your eyes. You didn't want to cry in front of Akashi's grandmother without even having said a word about it, you didn't want to break down so easily. You didn't want to seem weak. "Yes, that is true." You managed to say, holding back your tears. "My mom has BPD." Rima nodded calmly, "Has she ever received psychiatric help before?" You inhaled, "Yeah. When she was pregnant she thought it was important, so she could become a better mom." "And did she stop thinking it was important?" You bit your lip as tears leaked from your eyes. You nodded, being unable to respond in words. "When did she stop therapy?" "When I was small, s-she relapsed wh-when I was about n-nine," you hiccuped. Rima looked at you, and couldn't help but feel sorry, for you had lost the mother that you knew at such a tender age. 'She was even younger than Sei-Chan when Shiori passed away. It must be such a painful loss'. "Where's your father?" "On a bussines trip overseas, he is most of the ti-time. I feel like he's just t-trying to escape her." You looked like such an unloved child, it broke Rima's heart in a maternal way. "Does your mother at least take some medication?" You shook your head, as more tears rolled down your face. "Now, I'll see to it what I can do, but I do need to know the grounds of which I can operate. You don't seem to be hiding any bruises, but what about emotional abuse, neglect?" You gritted your teeth. "When she's mad at me, she'll c-call me names and say mean s-stuff." You wiped your face with your sleeve. "L-like," you took a deep breath, trying to say the following sentences without hiccuping over your words, "I'm a parasite that suck away her happiness." Whilst you got the sentence out, the words triggered a new wave of tears, and Rima stood up so she could come over and hold you close. You cried in the elderly lady's warm arms, as she patted the back of your head. "It's alright, it must be so hard for you. Does she take proper care of your needs?" You shook your head. "For a couple of yea-years now she ref-refuses to cook dinner when she d-doesn't feel like it. For e-example." Rima sighed, and she continued patting your head. After a while, when you started calming down, she said, "How about you meet up with Seijuro before going to bed. You should allow yourself to be loved." Your lips trembled, but you did as she said after thanking her.

And thus you rested your head against Seijuro's shoulder. The two of you were allowed to hang out in his new bedroom, and you were curled up against him, using his bed as an improvised couch as he had been going through a photo album of his mom's childhood whilst you had been talking with his grandmother. You looked at the album, but you didn't really see it. Your mind was in a distant place, the softness of the matrass, silk sheets and Akashi's hand that was rubbing soft, comforting circles on your back was soothing you and you were too emotionally exhausted not to give in and space out. "You know, you should go to sleep and take some care of yourself. I'll be here, in the same house as you for the next couple of days. We'll enjoy ourselves plenty tomorrow, okay?" You looked at him and he kissed your forehead. Smiling lazily, you said, "It really was nice to see you before going to bed." "Perhaps someday we'll be sleeping in the same bed, and you can relax as you listen to me breathe." Akashi teased. "You shouldn't let your grandmother hear that!" You giggled and got off the bed. "Can't wait for that day though, goodnight." "Goodnight my love."

[cowboyposer]

I think some people don't realize hitting your kids is bad not just for emotional and physical reasons but also the standard it sets, the morals. As someone who was abused growing up, I never actually understood why physical violence was bad until way later than I should've, because why would my mom be allowed to hit me, but I couldn't do it? Sure she'd tell me no if I threw things as a kid but then I'd see her do the exact same thing and that was somehow okay. Children aren't going to understand that you're some sort of magic "exception." It just teaches them it's also okay to hit. Not just hitting, but damaging objects is a big one too. If you don't want your kid to do it, you shouldn't be doing it either, plain and simple. If you throw away your child's belongings, don't be surprised when yours are gone.

[honeypleasejustkillme]

[placetovent306]

It's so funny when my mother doesn't consider my sexual assault as valid but always makes sure to bring it out for "reasoning" of my attraction to same sex

[brain--rott]

i grew up thinking dying was okay as long as i did it quietly

[tetsunabouquet]

GUYS, I feel like throwing up and not just because in a couple of days if will be time for my annual subscription to Lucifer's waterfalls. Like I mentioned yesterday, it's been pretty rough with my mom for the past couple of days. I didn't even got around to editing Basic Instinct Chapter 15 because it just continued to escalate. I cannot cry and vent to my mom about her behavior because that would just only further escalate the situation (like the past days have proven because my mom refuses accountability for her personal bad actions per usual because her BPD leaves her incapable of doing so), and I could tell that Basic Instinct wasn't enough: I needed to confront someone and be angry at them. So, as someone who's sane and kind and wouldn't use an innocent person as my emotional punching bag, I decided to confront the one person that I could point my finger at for having had the power to change the situation but refused to do so: My deadbeat father. The last time I had contact with him, was a vague FB conversation about anime when I was trying to reconnect with him and talk about our interests when I was like 16-17. So I found that old DM thread, and I dared to confront him about how he started a new family with his wife and didn't even had the guts to tell me I had a brother (the reason I even know that I have a kid half-brother was my dad changing his profile picture to one where he was hugging my little brother). Getting that off my chest did fill my need for venting, but now I feel like I'm going to throw up because I finally dared to open the conversation with my dad about starting a new family behind my back. God, why did you give me not one, but two parents who are egotistical assholes? I wonder what I did wrong in a past life to deserve being born in the family dynamic I was born in.

[cowboyposer]

If you enable your partner's abuse towards your children, YOU are the problem. Seek psychiatric help, you do not deserve kids.

[twistedsweetheart]

It’s not my fault mom, maybe if you actually communicated properly I’d know what you meant!

I can’t fucking read minds! I can’t understand tones, you know this! Just fucking explain yourself, tell me what you want me to do!

Stop getting pissed at me for not knowing what you meant and not doing exactly what you want!

JUST TELL ME!

“I hate your attitude!” Well I’m fucking depressed and wanna kms, I’m sorry I don’t have the motivation to pretend to be happy for you anymore.

Maybe if I was just dead your life would be so much better, all you do is treat me like a fucking burden.

I’m sorry I was born, sorry I’m such a fucking failure.