adustoflove

[adustoflove]

Well, I did this to myself 💔

[adustoflove]

Swallowed the key to my own heart so no one ever gets it

[adustoflove]

I need a father, I need a mother, I need some older wiser being to cry to. I talk to God but the sky is empty.

- Sylvia Plath, from the unabridged journals of Sylvia Plath.

[adustoflove]

I feel like such a waste of space. What am I doing? I'm ignoring all my worried friends. I'm pushing everyone away. I'm not doing anything worthwhile. I'm not helping anyone. I'm wishing I was dead when I could be doing anything more productive. I feel 14 again, sobbing on my stupid purple rug because I mean nothing to no one and my existence doesn't do much.

[adustoflove]

And why do I feel so betrayed by people all the time? My grandma loves ME right? She knows what my parents did. She speaks like she's so utterly disappointed in my mom all the time anyway?

I felt like saying, who cares if it's the last time she ever sees her dad? You've told me how horrible of a father grandpa was anyway. You've told me all these awful things about him, and now you expect me to care that the person who traumatized ME wants to see her father? And so I HAVE to leave the house for them to visit each other or else I risk having a meltdown again seeing my mom and remembering all the nasty things she's done and said to me? Why doesn't anyone try to protect me? Why do I feel like I'm always the one having to do it for myself. I've called out for fucking help more than enough and been ignored, left alone, PUNISHED FOR IT. I've been punished by my own dad for calling the police on him when I thought he was about to murder my mother. And my mom let it happen even though she called MY name while she was being beaten. I think I've done for myself what I seriously could have most times. For once, I just wish people would stand behind their words. Or just act the way their words sound to me.

[adustoflove]

I think I'll feel worthless for the rest of my life, and nothing anyone ever does will convince me otherwise? What's the point of validation if it only takes 10 minutes for me to question my worth to someone? I don't think I deserve to be loved, I never will. So what's the point of showing it to me? I'll forget you loved me the second you're gone anyway. It'll be like you never even knew I existed the moment you show any sign of affection for another person. What's the point in loving a black hole? No matter where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, I will always end up right back in the same position. I could be going to therapy, I can be so open and honest about my feelings it's almost sickening. I could hide who I am for months and months and never share any feeling I have too...but nothing. ever. works. Everyone who did love me has tried so hard to let me know they love me, and I've been told so many times that it hurts to assume that they don't love me. That it hurts to accuse them of not caring. I could be sweet talked through a splitting episode, and I'll still be screaming, liar. I'll still be ripping myself from their arms and crawling away on the floor to curl up into the next room and sob until I feel like I'll hurl. I want to be left alone forever, but then I feel so hurt and unloved when I am. There's nothing that will ever satisfy me because I'm always looking to be hurt. I'm always preparing to be hurt, abandoned, replaced, left. I'm always waiting for the worst. Maybe because it's all I've known. Maybe it's because I bring out the worst in people.

I wish I could just swallow a whole bottle of pills sometimes or throw myself out a window. And I could....but I kinda told myself I'd wait till I had a life I could be happy dying with. I'm 22, watching everyone else lead happy, fulfilling lives because their parents loved them and provided for them, I'm watching people with trauma somewhat similar to mine be happy. I'm watching everyone but MYSELF be happy. And when I let myself be happy, someone else always ruins it, so why wouldn't I just ruin it myself? It's easier that way. It's easier to assume I'm not loved. It's easier to assume everyone else is better than me. It's so much easier to assume these things when you've been TAUGHT and SHOWN that people are. I think the only one actually capable of loving me is my childhood stuffed animal. I wonder how awful he must think I've become sometimes. But he comes with me everywhere. He's the only one that does because everyone else I've pushed away.

[adustoflove]

i crave being someone’s first choice so bad. why does no one ever choose me over others?

[adustoflove]

why does no one who says they love me actually act like it

[adustoflove]

literally wanna die so bad rn holy shit everything feels so pointless

[adustoflove]

trying to express how you feel and just ruining their mood

[adustoflove]

bpd culture is im sorry that im not normal, you deserve someone better

.

[adustoflove]

If your gonna hurt me I am going to hurt you by my absence

[adustoflove]

why cant i be a good friend, or a good partner, or a good sister, and good child? Why am i so horrible to everyone who loves me?

[adustoflove]

it is what it is [bawling my eyes out]

[adustoflove]

one moment you're feeling good, its a nice morning, you took a walk and you have coffee, now there's a pit in your stomach and you feel like throwing up and the thoughts are back and you're relying on the caffeine hoping itll drown everything out

because of one tiny thing

[adustoflove]

there’s no one more sick of me than myself.

[adustoflove]

I'm always the one who's too attached. Or too emotional. I'm always the one who's too much. Why can't I be normal