#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true

[angelstrawbabie420]

grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it

[ink-the-shitposter]

chat how do i get through the next 4 years without completely losing all positive relationship with my conservative family

[mariemariemaria]

i feel kinda crazy bc whenever i was a teenager i created this sorta imaginary older big sister who had moved out of the house so in my head i could live w her whenever i wanted bc she had survived it all and was independent and she would also just comfort me in a big sisterly way whenever something bad or upsetting happened and recently ive been going back to that at my big age 😭 and its kinda sad and also just wish fulfillment and also kinda scary bc i really used to think that by my age i'd have everything sorted but i really don't and i know that's normal and nobodies twenties are perfect but some people also have good relationships w their fathers which is crazy just to think about sooo

[faggling]

I'm having such a terrible gender time right now jfc

[tragicomedys]

i really do wonder how lgbt muslims do it.

[kamaradka]

tfw u realize ur best friend has been treating u bad for so long and now even he cant take it anymore :( and so ur only options are to 1. let him treat u slightly less bad in some ways but Way Worse in others, plus You Know Now And Cant Pretend It Was All Okay, or 2. tell him you dont want to see him again so he'll stop hurting you :((((((((

[quaalussy]

writing a paper rn for queer theory abt female masculinity & motherhood in juno and its making me once again have to contend w anti abortion messaging in the movie

[kaddos]

never in my life have i heard such a tragic and hopeful and beautiful song..... what if we were both addicts and desperately in love with each other but we could only manage to be the worst versions of ourselves to each other... and what if we understood each other profoundly because of this and yet we couldnt have any real closeness because our relationship would only ever be tumultuous. what if i hold a million versions of you in my head and you were bad to me but you were all i had and it wasnt even anything i could name. what if sometimes i cared about you desperately and you did sometimes and other times you were just fucking mean. and what if ill miss you forever. what then

[rivalcobalt]

Okay actually yknow what, I'm just gonna do this on here cause I've been agonizing over this for too long

Firstly to prove I'm not insane, and I guess to his credit, the author has mentioned ONS as an inspiration-slash-thing-with-similar-vibes on twitter (archived):

That said, I feel like this really undersells it. Like, you can argue about how much inspiration you can take from a work, and ONS itself takes insane amounts of shit from Devilman, but even still it feels very much like a different story, and not like... the entire first half of the book being largely what you'd get if you just ported the plot of S1 of ONS over into a YA novel with and then altered who the love interest was.

This is long enough already (talking like nearly 4 pages point form on google docs) so I'm just copying it over as is. I only read the book once, so honestly this may have even missed some things. I'd put more effort into this but honestly idk how many people are gonna see this anyways.

Tl;dr no fucking way did you just "watch this while editing"

The Flood || unnamed apocalypse virus

Man-made virus

Kills most of the human population (ons' explicitly kills off 90%, the Flood has killed near 9 billion (earth's population when it was released)/appears to be a comparable rate)

Intentionally caused by Angels cult/Hyakuya Sect + JIDA (revealed in manga/LNs only)

Angels cult || vampires:

Signaturely wear white robes/uniforms + capes

Ons vampires are associated with (fallen) angels

New Nazareth/Sanguinem (city for cult/vampires that protagonist escapes from)

Don't want any more of their kind made (Angels forcing Angel parents to drown their newborns, vampires noted to be generally opposed to making more vampires for unexplained reasons; iirc only progenitors are able to sire and they're supposed to get permission from the vampire council first)

Angels cult || Hyakuya Sect

Religious cult

Doing human (S)eraph experiments

Benji & Theo/Yuu & Mika are children of cult members who use them as test subjects

Causes virus on purpose (manga/LNs only)

Responsible for creating Graces/Horsemen of John (manga/LNs only)

Benji || Yuu:

Only successful version of the (S)eraph experiments

Not fully in control of powers yet/powers emerge over the course of the story

Child of Angels/Hyakuya Sect cult members

Brought to New Nazareth/Sanguinem under the age of 12 and lives there for 4-5 years before escaping

Grow up in New Nazareth/Sanguinem with Theo/Mika during those years

Important family member dies as they try to escape together

Son of cult members

Posesses (S)eraph abilities from being experimented on by cult

Joins ALC/JIDA in their front-line forces after escaping and being found by Nick/Guren

Seraph || seraphs (humans possessing seraph gene and have ability to turn into them)

Aim to wipe out humanity (but this can be controlled by protagonist with effort)

Very powerful

Created via human experimentation on children by the religious cult that caused the virus

Picture of Yuu in complete seraph form in ons tweet from author

Theo || Mika:

Curly/wavy blond hair and blue eyes

Protagonist's childhood best friend

In love with protagonist, debatably reciprocated

Child of Angels/Hyakuya Sect cult members

Grows up in New Nazareth/Sanguinem with protagonist, but didn't escape with them

Wants to get protagonist away from ALC/JIDA and live with them

Seen in whites of the vampires/Angels for the majority of the story

Remains affiliated with the vampires/Angels (Theo sides with Angels & Mika is turned)

Soldier for the Angels/vampires

Protagonist often recalls memories of being in the cult/vampire city together as children

Protagonist thinks of them as someone they'll never see again after escaping (Theo stayed with cult, Yuu thinks Mika is dead)

Mika is revealed to be the son of the first vampire, a fallen angel, meaning he's also an angel (manga only)

Other (S)eraph besides Benji/Yuu, but not a fully functional one (Theo injects himself with a failed version of Seraph, Mika's seraph gene is dormant)

Theo's angry outbursts may be based on Mika's anger (though who they lash out at is very different)

Theo's character differences from Mika are almost all traits commonly found in other characters also influenced by Ryou Asuka (betrays protagonist, parallel to protagonist due to similarities but on opposing sides of conflict) (not sure if author knew about Mika being heavily from Ryou or just subconsciously knew the archetype via consuming other anime/manga/JRPGs/etc or just a really funny coincidence)

Upon escaping New Nazareth/Sanginem, Benji's dad/Mika is killed

Nothing can be done to save them

Bleeding out as Benji/Yuu tries to save them as a specific similar imagery (plus I guess gaping hole wounds specifically mentioned (from being shot in the head/arm thrust through stomach respectively))

Specific memories of looking at a map together to plan their escape

Yuu/Benji is forced to keep running alone to the only way out (only bridge out of Acheson/only tunnel out of Sanguinem)

Cult is using human experiments to create humans with the seraph gene/martyrs to turn into Seraph

(S)eraphs aim to wipe out the rest of humanity

The name. Are you kidding me

Protagonist is the only fully successful experiment

Main character and childhood best friend are children of parents in cult

(In the end) main character and childhood best friend are both (S)eraph experiments

The way the Flood is killing Benji has similarities to Yuu in his incomplete seraph form

Dripping blood and black fluid (Yuu: from wings and left eye, right sclera filled with blood and left eye may have burst upon transforming, Benji: from wounds from Seraph decomposing him)

Spitting up black fluid

at a later incident, Yuu's seraph form is triggered by multiple organs rupturing. Benji's organs are liquefying inside him and coming up in chunks as part of the Seraph transformation

Theo's death after injecting himself with Dominion-12 focusing on his shot-through left eye looking like a black hole is similar to Yuu's left eye blacked out by anime gore censor circle in incomplete seraph form

Same type of post-apocalyptic setting: 

Plants beginning to cover over a wrecked city (only a few years after the virus broke out, so not super heavily overgrown yet)

Skyscrapers and concrete brutalist architecture specifically shown. Downtown core type of stuff

Graces || Horsemen of John

Created by Angels/Hyakuya Sect (result of Flood virus/called by 6th trumpet (seraph) of seraph experiments)

Beasts that kill humans, just to finish killing off the population

Can be called upon/created/controlled by (S)eraphs

Described as both horselike and spiderlike

Ribs protruding out of chest, fangs, mouths in unusual places, and I think wings (not sure about Graces on that one) are common traits

Picture of a Horseman included in author's tweet about ons

ALC || JIDA

Wear all black

Surviving humans outside of New Nazareth/Sanginem

Fight against Angels/vampires

Rescue Benji/Yuu after they escape New Nazareth/Sanguinem

Secretly aim to use Benji/Yuu's (S)eraph abilities for their own gain

The Watch || Shinoa Squad

ALC/JIDA Moon Demon Company front lines squad

Comprised of teenagers

Protagonist joins them after escaping New Nazareth/Sanguinem to fight back against the Angels/vampires

Cormack is debatably based on Kimizuki (red/pink hair, asshole personality, rare bits of kindness show through exterior (when Cormack prioritizes giving Benji his jacket to block smoke while ALC is on fire, but not nearly as nice of a guy under it all as Kimizuki)

Aisha is like… maybe bastardized Mitsuba if you just take her emotional outburst parts, but I might be reaching on that

Nick || Guren 

Leader of ALC & the Watch/Moon Demon Company (strongest section of front-line soldiers in JIDA)

Black hair & eyes (Guren's eyes are dark purple, but could be interpreted as stylized black)

Finds Benji/Yuu after their escape and brings them into their group

Nick is literally just Guren in personality if you age him down a few years and add autism and make him nicer under the exterior. Like even the way he talks and him being mentioned dramatically stomping his leg up on furniture during speeches 

Heading ALC/JIDA's intentions to use Benji/Yuu for their own gain

Dehumanizes protagonist yet also having a bit of affection towards them (more debatable for Guren, but he has some rare moments of being caring towards Yuu in a more older sibling/fatherly way)

Erin || Shinoa

Another leader within the ALC/JIDA (though Erin isn't a soldier/in the Watch)

Sympathetic towards Benji/Yuu, protests against Nick/Guren directly for how they treats them

Pastel pink/purple feminine aesthetic

Wears hair at least partly in braids

Benji & Theo's reunion in Reformation Faith Evangelical Church || Yuu & Mika's reunion on the battlefield in Shinjuku

Reunite at first major battle protagonist participates in, but not their first (iirc both only have one minor fight between joining ALC/JIDA squad and this one)

One approaches other from behind, other only realizes who they are a moment after turning around

On opposite sides as ALC/JIDA vs Angels/vampires

"[Name]? Is that you?"

Benji holds a knife to Theo's throat || Yuu stabs Mika through the chest

Theo/Mika went along to fight specifically to find Benji/Yuu

"Abandon everything and run away with me" || "I came here to follow you. I couldn't let the city take you alone. If it wants you, it has to take me too."

Theo/Mika wants to separate Benji/Yuu from the ALC/JIDA (but Mika has good reason, while Theo wants Benji to come back to the cult)

Forced to separate again at end of fight

Picture of Yuu stabbing Mika from this scene is also on ons tweet from author

In general, first half follows the escape from Sanguinem/New Nazareth leaving behind a dying family member who tried to escape with the protagonist but died to let them get away -> get found by JIDA/The Watch upon escape and rescued by Guren/Nick with the intention of using Yuu/Benji as a weapon against those he escaped from due to his nature as a human experiment -> join JIDA/The Watch, meet other members and the leader Guren/Nick -> do some missions with them -> reunite with previous friend-slash-love interest they had left behind (Mika/Theo) at first major battle as soldiers for opposing sides and are forced to part again progression, which isn't super unique but still very specific, and given everything else... yeah

This is by far not the first time an English work has copied a Japanese work and was praised for originality, but "gay trans YA novel rips off mediocre gay vampire shounen" has to be conceptually the funniest and yet there still seem to be 0 google results about it

[srslylini]

season 2 has a structure problem and that makes act 1 flow naturally enough and it sets up the next acts perfectly well, but they wanted to do so much more than what they were

1. setting up

2. capable of doing in 9 episodes

had they just cut a few plot lines everything would've moved far easier. For example

1. cut the Smeech thing entirely. Sevika and Jinx don't need this to find themselves together and start a found family. That scene In Silcos office was so moving and everything I always loved about Arcane, stuff like this is what's needed. In fact move the prison break to act 1 and have them handle that together, Jinx can still make Sevika her arm, and everything could've still moved the same. It would've fit so much better and there also would've been so much more time to develop anything else with the magic system and act 2 wouldn't feel like it was overflowing with anything and everything. Isha is a character that as of in the show can be cut so easily and that's so sad because she'd be so interesting. Everything about her would've worked and SHOULD HAVE worked but she also just felt like Plot and a thing to make Jinx sad over again. Either don't do that or make Isha not a character like this???? I liked her scenes with Jinx so much and the scene with Jinx freaking out after finding out that Isha was taken to prison was genuinely so good, I'm still holding on to the hope that they didn't actually kill her

2. either cut that shit with the tree because let's be so honest that basically only happened so that Heimerdinger, Ekko and Jayce could meet, since we do NOT even really talk about the tree in act 2? that was so weird. Like either actually make it a thing or find different ways to let characters meet naturally. I dont know, the show was so good with that in season 1. And if they truly wanted the tree scene at least make it make sense and don't randomly drop it Idk.

3. I LOVE Mel she is like my favorite character but the plot with the black rose takes so much necessary time away from what we actually need to focus on. I heard they want to make different shows so they are setting this up but it just doesn't work. Mel could've so easily been integrated into the main plot line and it would've also made so much more sense at that. Though I'll just wait on act 3 before I judge too hard. (if they actually DARE to make her pregnant Istg)

4. Making Jinx that hero character for only like, what, a few seconds was so strange. I hope act 3 gets that better but that, first of all, happened mostly out of no where and a few touches to her shoulder after the prison scene was also not??? helping??? either set that up from the very start or don't do it at all. She isn't a hero, she is a tragedy and someone who needs help and room to breathe. The scenes where they tried to make that funny, in my opinion didn't land at all. She doesn't need a hero complex she needs calmness and stable relationships. Let Isha live I swear to GOD.

in fact that leads me into the next point

5. Have Vi realize she doesn't want to be an enforcerer sooner? I actually do like how rushed that part felt don't get me wrong, but if they wanted a reunion between Jinx and Vi don't randomly put it into act 2 with barely any build up. Let Jinx and Vi realize it during the fight, they kinda did do that but??? just didn't move that anywhere. it's so strange. If they had cut the Smeech stuff they could've easily used the third episode to make Jinx and Vi slowly reconcile. Which also means I think Vi would've been such a better "symbol" than Jinx. Vi and Jinx, for me, show what Zaun is made of, and Jinx is quite literally the valid pain, distrust and anger of Zaun, and she as well as Zaun desperately need healing. Like that would've been SO COOL. that's just my opinion though, so there is that.

6. If they had made Vi the symbol the conflict between Caitlyn and Vi would've felt a lot more natural as well. Like??? Also Caitlyn should've had so much more time if they wanted that switch up in the end to work. Cut the black rose stuff and that would've worked perfectly fine.

7. Now do NOT get me wrong, Ambessa's character is so interesting and I feel like exploring her is so cool but she and her plot just doesn't fit into the Piltover/Zaun thing. It makes it too big for what the show is. In fact I (and now this is just my opinion, anyone can have their own just saying lmao) would've either cut out Ambessa's character/plotline or subtly continued Ambessas drama with Mel, which would give Mel, who didn't get taken by the black rose in my version, a lot more to do and way more interesting stuff too. Again this is very much my opinion and doesn't mean anyone needs to share it, but I feel like they could've easily made Heimerdinger be the one who gets Caitlyn to where she was/is with Ambessa. It would've expanded Heimerdingers character and it would've stayed in the setting they already perfectly build up, Piltover and Zaun. Also, Heimerdinger wouldn't just feel like a random joke character anymore.

8. The Pit fight stuff could have been SO interesting and I feel had we not stayed with Viktor Christ so much which was also so weird at times, we could've gotten so much necessary insight on Vi. If we follow my idea it could've been Vi forced to be a symbol because of the person she is. The embodiment of Zauns loyalty, strength and resilience. And then the fights that will come out of that forcing Vi to face so much stuff she shouldn't etc etc (I haven't fleshed that one out yet don't come for me) and that could've ended in her pit fighting era, which should've taken at LEAST an episode and not a random montage that just gets forgotten??? for no reason at all. Really hope act 3 talks about that cause??? I feel with Vi as the leader the healing of Zaun would make so much sense, because Jinx realistically can't do that. The idea of Jinx being in that position IS interesting I just feel it wasn't established/developed enough.

9. I really really liked how from the very beginning Viktor's safe haven did not in fact feel safe. There was always a very uneasy feeling and that's what I love about the show. I was always waiting for the shoe to drop and it happened, that was amazing. Though I would've either established a lot of this way earlier on in the show or made it not so, and now walk with me here Ik its magic, unrealistic. That does sound strange but having Viktor suddenly float in space with white silver flowing hair and his dead assistent next to him was... very very out of no where. It was like a lazy show trying to get away with "yeah well it's magic so of course this works" and I hate that because even magic needs explanation and build up. So yeah. Either cut that shit out or have it established sooner. And while seeing the one person who helped Jayce as a kid did kind of help, it still wasn't enough for THIS, though again MY OPINION. Also we spent way too much time there, it was getting ridiculous. So much time could've easily been lent to stuff that actually needed it. I actually laughed out loud when Viktor started the healing process with Vander because come ON now, and I do not think they wanted me to laugh.

10. The stuff with Vander, Silco and Felicia (while cute) was unnecessary and weird. What I liked the most about Vander taking in Vi and Powder was the feeling that he didn't do it because he necessarily knew them very well but because he knew their mom was dead (that did show he and their mother did kind of know each other but so do like all the people in the lanes that is kind of established) and wanted to PROTECT. This new context sadly makes it feel like "well of course he stopped everything and took them with them and cared for them he knew them since birth, duh" when I always wanted to feel "well Vander is in his heart a good man who saw what terrible stuff this war and fighting did and then took in orphaned children because of course he would do that" if that makes sense? I feel this new thing took away so much from Vander, but again that's maybe just me.

11. So many jokes and scenes didn't land with me. The scene with Jinx trying to show Sevika her middle finger was SO GOOD and so Arcane that seeing the scene were they try to make it funny with Jinx's trousers and that enforcerer felt so out of place? Like what. That scene could have EASILY been cut and nothing would have changed at all. And that's what is the worst because there isn't one scene in season 1 that I feel could've been cut and there are so many of them in season 2.

12. Introducing Maddie in act 1 made me believe she'd be a bigger, even more of a threat to Zaun, character than she was and that's so sad. What I loved about season 1 is that every single character mattered. Even those we saw maybe once. This time around I hardly cared at all for any new character because they didn't feel like a Person anymore, they just felt like Plot. In season 1 episode 1 there is this scene, the first scene Vander gets to speak in. The only reason Huck meets the woman and the man to trait was basically so we get to know how the undercity works and establish Vander as basically its leader and protecter; The one people are loyal to etc. But it doesn't feel that way. It's something that naturally happens and every character in that scene, even the man and the woman we never see again, mattered and felt real.

yeah so those were really just my thoughts. I could very much go on but I also don't want to.

[k-ru-h]

i know i said earlier that my interpretation of curly as a victim of jimmy's manipulation as well wasnt necessarily implied in canon but im gonna double down and say it is. ESPECIALLY with the how fish is made dlc.

curly doesn't only enable jimmys behavior towards anya - he enables jimmys behavior tomwards himself. we know jimmy doesn't fulfill his duties to standard, we know curly was putting up with his shit since day one on the tulpar. curly was the only one implied to also be trained as a pilot, meaning that he took on significantly more work rather than confronting jimmy. he let every awful comment jimmy made towards him slide - he let jimmy put him down and villainise his desire to be happier in life. like, its fucking crazy to get mad at your friend for wanting to change his career to be happier? especially on his birthday?

this isnt to say any of that is as bad as literally being raped like anya was, but what little we know of jimmys and curlys dynamic is that jimmy was bitter and spiteful and would take it out on curly, blaming curly for wanting better for himself. curly never pushes back, implying he's accepted this dynamic - he's accepted jimmys tendency to do awful things and then take no blame (no responsibility) as a quirk, as something entirely acceptable.

if you've ever deeply cared for your abuser, chances are you know that desire to view them as innocent. everything harmful they do to you is fine, and thus everything harmful they do to ofhers has to be fine, because you just cannot reconcile these two ideas in your head. they cant be innocent if theyre harming others, and if theyre harming others, what are they doing to you? curly doesn't behave like an enabler, he behaves like a victim. the men who support rapists everybody labels curly as would push back at their friends actions towards themselves. curly never does this.

as curly is effectively unable to communicate after his injury, we dont get his point of view after being directly violated and forced to acknowledge jimmys abuse within the game itself. the game paints very clear parallels between anya and curly - both pregnancy (especially as a result of rape) and disability (especially as a result of violence) result in a loss of autonomy, unwanted and uncontrollable changes to ones body and in this case- the perpetrator getting away with it. like, the way jimmy twists the tale to make curly out as the bad guy is purposefully reminiscent of men who blame women for "asking for it" when accused of rape. curly caused the accident - jimmy is just an innocent victim of his.

in the last one and then another, curly regrets ever joining the pony express. his thought process sounds a lot like that of an abuse victim (because he and everybody working under pony express is a victim of their abuse, of course): "We're defined by our past, but not slaves to it. We said tomorrow will be different. Today would be the last day. The last one. The last one and then another. And another, and another, and another... " its the cycle of forgiving your abuser because you believe they can change, because you believe you can change and break the pattern, and pushing through day by day, never giving up on them. even if curly wasnt abused by jimmy and jimmy was "just" toxic towards him, its clear he has this pattern of thought deeply engraved in him. we don't know everything jimmy did to him, we barely know of what he did aboard the tulpar, but at the VERY LEAST he exploited curlys trauma for his own benefit. it could be argued curly shouldnt have passed the psych eval, but neither should have jimmy.

lastly, anya and curly clearly serve as parallels in the game. anya is an incredibly capable doctor, she wasnt unable to give him medicine because of disgust - she bandaged him herself, thats far more dirty work. she related to him too much. she saw herself in him - somebody who lost their body and their voice. even without knowing the same man did this to both of them. theyre both victims of abuse, of violation, of a man who could never take responsibility, of a sistem that allowed all of this in the first place. curly shouldnt have enabled jimmy, but curly shouldnt have had anything to enable in the first place. jimmy shouldn't have raped anya, he shouldnt have crashed the ship. pony express shouldnt have abused its workers. whichever regime holds power over it shouldnt have allowed it to happen in the first place. you can acknowledge somebody made a mistake, and yet understand they were abused too. jimmy was exploited by the capitalist society he lived in. if he had access to mental health services, he couldve gotten better. everybody in this game is a victim of circumstance, but jimmy hurt people nonetheless. curly hurt anya nonetheless.

anyways im going to set everybody who says curly "deserved it" on fire to prove their point.

[hoshinasblade]

pairing: hoshina soshiro x reader // trigger warning: death (now i dont know if i should still make it as an x reader drabble because well, death)

try as he might, hoshina soshiro just couldn't think that meeting you was a mistake.

he was used to almost always getting the shorter end of the stick in life. though admittedly more privileged than the majority, hoshina will be a hypocrite if he says that he is the best at anything he likes doing - from a very young age he had reconciled in his mind the fact that he is forever going to arrive second in things: just the number two, never the one at the top. i will never be like my perfect older brother, he used to tell himself.

when you came to hoshina's life, he was still a rookie vice-captain who was trying to find his footing in leadership. he was not planning on being in a relationship at all - much less dating someone from the same institution - but love is a difficult opponent to win against, he supposes. and so he let himself fall for you - hard and fast and madly.

you asked him one time why he chose you, out of all the women and men who showed interest at him in and out of the defense force. "i guess it's cause i can be who i am when i'm with you. like i don't have to prove anything." because it's true - with you hoshina soshiro is neither the next in command of the third division nor he is the inferior brother - with you he is just hoshina soshiro, the man.

but being a man does not make anyone a savior. not at all.

there were no last words even as he rewinds the scene on his mind from years ago. he did not have the time to administer first aid anymore and probably at his subconscious he knew it would have been worthless anyway, so after a particularly violent kaiju had use its long, sharp claws to tear your suit and stab on your torso, hoshina watched you bleed to death. he barked orders - begged, even - for the medical team to hurry to your location, wishing and praying that time would stand still so that maybe you would have more moments with him before he loses you.

on your last breath you only smiled at him, cradled in his trembling arms.

when kafka said captain ashiro's first name despite the obvious implications, hoshina had an inkling of what is going on - he had a hunch that there is some history behind the two but he dared not ask. it was not his business, he should not care. but whenever he sees the cadet throw the commander a glimpse, hoshina's memories seem to unreel. he used to know how that feels - love.

"you shouldn't get too close to the rest of the other officers", he told kafka when hoshina caught him at 1 am still buried in books, studying. "in this line of work, something could happen to any one of them at anytime," he added before walking away, not bothering to wait for kafka to respond.

anyway apparently i have 500 followers now but i dont know what to do so i just drafted this short one while im waiting for sleep to come hehe, it's nothing much and i got the whole thing from literally two sentences said by this bowl cut man, hope you guys like it

[alicentsgf]

nothing is more subtle or more heartbreaking to me than alicent in the wedding feast scene. and half these shots dont even follow her, they follow viserys shes just in the background, (which just perfectly sums up the way alicent and her desires are stifled by viserys/his wants just btw)

so shes just watched whatever it was that was happening between daemon and rhaenyra. salt in a very fresh wound. and as far as i can work out was literally tearing up over it (if we look at the screenshot above). but then people are screaming and pushing and shoving and alicent instinctively gets up before anyone else at the table even does, still looking like shes about to cry the whole time, right up until the moment she realises its not just pushing and shoving - theres a fight happening exactly where rhaenyra was just a moment before, and suddenly her expression changes to this shot of her blatantly worrying about rhaenyra:

"but lydia, how do you know shes worried about rhaenyra? she could just be in shock at seeing the fight and concerned in general."

because its spelled out for us the next time we see her:

this shows us pretty obviously alicents only really interested in where rhaenyra is. this is a tv show, they don't show someone's reaction to something just for the sake of it and alicent is the only person we see react to rhaenyra being safe. she even appears to relax at the end, as if relieved.

this very clearly sets the stage for alicent's refusal to accept any physical harm to rhaenyra - so we can understand why she feels so much guilt and self-loathing over slicing open rhaenyra's arm, and why she is so adamant about protecting rhaenyra in episode 9 even after everything she and rhaenyra have put each other through. just as rhaenyra has a desire to reconcile with alicent she cant shake, reaching out for her even in moments when shes been given no reason to hope (like at the council in episode 6 and dinner in episode 8), alicent has this desperate need to make sure rhaenyra's safe, even at times when she has no intention of reconciling with her. even when shes at her most hostile, harbouring enough resentment to show up to rhaenyras wedding wearing a declaration of war, alicent still cant stomach the thought of rhaenyra being physically harmed. and it doesn't seem to be an aspect of her characterisation thats going anywhere anytime soon.

[corviiids]

If i ask nicely, would you consider writing the core of Light and L character like you did for Shuake? (IT'S BRILLIANT BTW!! You're so galazy brain. I love reading any meta or just silly posts you posted here <3) because you mention Light a couple time in Akechi's part and now i need to know your thought on him and L.

(Also, about the death note wip you're cooking right now, is it a oneshot or multiple chapters fic? Im super excited for it!)

i ABSOLUTELY would thank you so much for asking and for your lovely kind words. and im sorry this took me seven years to get to i just kept psyching myself out.

here's the ren & goro post this ask refers to for anyone wondering. the 'core' refers to my answer to a writing meme:

26. What would you describe as OOC? [...] it's the same approach i take to language tbh particularly in pronunciation. once you understand how a language forms its sounds at a base level, you dont struggle with the accent on particular words, and you can encounter words you've never seen before and understand how they're likely to be said/spelled/etc. so once i learn to 'speak' a character they come more naturally. idk if that comparison makes sense to anyone else but it does to meeeee all this to say i think a character is ooc if they do or say something i cant reconcile with that core!

the death note wip is a multichap!! thank you for your interest!!! ill talk about it more once i've stopped tying myself in knots plotting it!! broadly it's a what-if type au which has led me to replot an entire series from scratch dont look at me

anyway lawlight below. i will say ive been really desperately wanting to do like a video essay or something about death note which would be a lot about L and light specifically and how i interpret their characters so ill try and not go toooooo insane in this post but maybe ill go more insane later. in a video. with my human voice.

(edit: i failed i went insane)

light - one-way road to the sky

ok let's talk about one of my favourite scenes of the entire series, which i think is widely not super well understood but honestly to me holds the key to light's entire character. it's right there in volume 1

sorry, the only digital copy ive got on hand is the scanlation. for comparison the official print copy reads:

bubble 1: hey, maki, wanna party tomorrow with some guys from s. college? ten o'clock. bubble 2: yeah, totally! bubble 3: hey, can i go too? bubble 4: my mom isn't here yet? what's that nag doing, geez! light (thinking): damn... light (thinking): start looking around you... light (thinking): and all you see are people the world would be better off without.

this happens within the first 40 pages of the first volume. and it's like. haha hey light what the fuck? this is a totally normal scene in everyday life. people are talking about living their lives. nobody's done anything remotely reprehensible in this scene. and light's just walking through the streets experiencing apparently unprompted and quite extreme misanthropy. what's wrong with him

ok let's have a quick look at the first time we meet light in the anime.

[...]

[...]

cool cool cool im gonna pivot again let's look at the first song (besides the overture) in the musical.

ok rook! we get it! light yagami is out here like damn we live in a society time to kill people about it. this is news to nobody! we all know this!! that's what the series is about! why are we rehashing all of this

great. cool. awesome. let's look at all those scenes one more time. but this time don't look at light. instead let's look at the people around him

in the opening shots of the anime (after the shinigami world, which actually is much the same theme): news of brutal murder is narrated over establishing shots of tokyo. light is shown dead-eyed, going about his ordinary life, surrounded by random other civilians doing the same thing.

in the musical, light isn't angry that murders happen. he's angry about the inaction and complicity of the ordinary people around him.

these scenes aren't highlighting that light thinks crime is bad. we all know crime is bad. the point of these scenes is to contrast light's frustration and fury against the reactions of the people around him. here's what light yagami is seeing: we're surrounded with rot. but nobody's reacting. and then life just goes on. so suddenly all those completely normal scenes of people being concerned with the superficial details of their life aren't just normality, they're complicity. day in, day out. so the world is rotting, and to light, it seems that everyone is completely ok with that. that's just the way things are. and that disgusts and depresses him. on top of than that, it isolates him: he feels like he's the only one who sees or cares about this, that everyone dismisses him as naive, that no one else can be trusted, that everyone else is able to ignore something he sees as inexcusable. this is a sentiment he repeats again and again. it reads as arrogance, and it is, but it's also isolation - after all it's lonely at the top and just as lonely to feel like you're at the top even if you arent

can i talk about the iliad again? is that ok with everyone. im gonna talk about the iliad again

in book 1 of the iliad, the commander of the greek army insults achilles by publicly and unlawfully taking a prize (the girl briseis) who rightfully belonged to achilles. achilles reacts by withdrawing his troops from the army, dooming the greeks' campaign. achilles had a lot of friends in the army, so why would he essentially sentence them all to death for something that only agamemnon did? well, (because agamemnon did something publicly that everyone knew was wrong, and yet nobody was willing (or at least able) to stand up for achilles and stop it from happening. achilles, disgusted by the inaction of the bystanders, turned his back on all of them. fun fact i nearly wrote a mini thesis (an academic one not just a long post on tumblr) about the intersection btwn this book of the iliad and legal theory but law+classics is such a niche interdisciplinary field my professor couldnt find anyone who could supervise me so i couldnt do it. anyway that's not the point

is this right or fair? who cares, not the point. what im interested in is what that kind of behaviour says about the individual. light, like achilles, is a highly idealistic person. we all know that in the abstract, but take a second to really really dig into it, because it's actually quite an interesting fact about a character who is popularly understood as being cold and unfeeling or flatly psychotic and on a power trip. idealism isn't naivety, it's not optimism, it's not even really a happy thing. idealism is simply a firm belief in the way things should be at the cost of refusing or being unable to accept what is.

this is the core of light yagami to me. light doesn't become kira because he's cold or destructive or crazy. he doesn't actually even do it because he's spiteful or misanthropic. it's very much the opposite. he's misanthropic because he believes in the world so much. isn't that a great contradiction! ok here i'll show you some proof.

in an early scene (also in volume 1), light describes himself as an optimist and ryuk finds that interesting.

so light is an optimist. he believes in a bright future for humanity. he wants to protect humanity. he likes humanity. no, he doesn't believe that people are inherently good, but he does believe in some goodness as a part of humanity and wants to protect the best of people, in an egotistical way:

how do we reconcile that with a young man who walks through the streets listening to completely ordinary conversations by ordinary people and reacts by wishing death on everyone talking?

let's split out what's going on here. remember what's happening in light's head. light yagami is 17 years old. he grew up with a police chief for a father (in a fictional world where the police are the literary stand-in for law as justice so just pretend for a second that police are good im sorry), watching his father work tirelessly to fight crime - but crime continues, making this an endless, thankless task. and while crime continues, so does the world around him. every day light sees atrocities on the news, and he sees atrocities brought home, and then he lives his ordinary life and watches the people around him apparently not give a shit, only concerned with the petty details of their own little lives. bystanders watching wrong happen, selfishly unaffected. day in, day out. that idealism is getting colder the longer this unendurable injustice goes on. so achilles condemns his friends to death.

what human trait is being exhibited? realistically it's helplessness. would being miserable about crime help to end crime? of course not. people have to go on with their lives, that's a fact, it's even a strength. even light begins the series completely unable to do a thing about the rot he sees around him, which is part of why he's so depressed. but that's not what light is seeing. light is seeing ordinary people appear to choose not to give a fuck about injustice. the thing that's sparking his disgust is apathy, real or apparent. light yagami is an idealist. he wants a better future - a utopia that only he can imagine - something that can only happen if either everyone becomes as good as he is, or he takes control.

if you leave an idealist in an unwinnable situation for too long, their pure belief will start to curdle. it will not turn to realism. they will not accept what is. they will only become more and more bitter that what should be, isn't. they will become a cynicist. this is really the heart of my argument and ive made it a million times and ill make it again. idealism and cynicism are not opposites, they're not even two sides of a coin. they are two points on the same line which moves very quickly in only one direction. this is where i start when im writing him: how do i make someone who believes so hard that it's killing him? someone who believes so hard it makes him believe in nothing?

then we find the third point on that line, which someone can reach by gaining sudden power - for example, a magic notebook that kills people: radicalisation.

how do we reconcile his desire to protect humanity with the fact that what he's trying to protect against is also humanity? how can i say light loves humanity when he has such disdain for them? easy peasy: light sees himself as the messiah. my bumper sticker that says ask me about light's martyr complex PLEASE ask me about light's martyr complex i wrote a song about it ask me about light seeing himself as the sacrificial lamb on the (and then the bumper sticker cuts off)

light loves humanity the way a twisted shepherd might love his sheep. something to be protected, but something beneath you that can't be trusted to know what's best for them. humanity is something he loves because it's endearingly pathetic, something to pity and save. repeatedly he refers to becoming kira as a personal sacrifice, something that costs him his soul but that he has to do. it's a delusion of grandeur driven by dual purposes of ego and some desperate wish to change a status quo he's been despairing about for years.

tl;dr: light believes with all his soul in something he thinks is impossible, and it's killing him slowly, and then a chance to change the world just falls out of the sky

L - isolate yourself until you can make believe it's just a game

steeples fingers. i have Things to Say about L Lawliet.

ok listen. listen. Listen. listen. are you listening? listen. in general i think people kind of misunderstand characters who are hyper-intellectual and/or behave unconventionally in social settings. you're all going to fucking kill me for this but i think there's a tendency to like... accidentally turn any character who falls vaguely in this broad category into sheldon cooper. god im sorry i feel like i just shot everyone's collective dog

specifically what i mean by that is that 'awkward' gets flanderised in a way that eventually becomes a caricature of itself, because there is so much nuance to actual social awkwardness that it's very easy to kind of pick a template and stick to it without really thinking about what makes that character 'awkward' and what the root and type of awkwardness is, unique to them. so instead we just get, like... generic big word user. generic driven by logic and logic alone guy. generic guy who doesn't Do Well with other people, for Smart Reasons.

here's a list of true things about L which i think are safe to say are uncontroversial

intuitive

logical, master of deductive reasoning

competitive

behaves in an odd way that draws attention

is aware of that fact

focuses extremely hard on his cases and only cares about being a detective not anything else

isolates himself and doesn't like talking to people partly for his own safety partly because it's boring to him

here are things i have seen in characterisation of L which i would like to dispute

makes decisions and draws conclusions based solely on logic and evidence

doesn't understand social cues

here's a list of alternate interpretations which i would like to propose and that i am willing to back up with evidence and/or by physically fighting over them

is driven primarily not by logic or evidence, but by incredible intuition which is supported by logic and evidence when it suits him

has a keen understanding of people, interpersonal relationships, and social norms

leverages that understanding frequently to his benefit

feels that he is not capable of / not a part of emotions that he sees as being typically human (see his speech about being a monster)

and yet in an abstract and self-contradictory and low-priority way still kind of desires connection, leaving him emotionally isolated

chooses to behave oddly on purpose, not because he doesn't realise he's behaving oddly, but because it is not a priority for him

those might seem like fine distinctions at some points, but stray slightly off the mark and his characterisation begins to vary wildly. for example, interpret L as being bemused or unaware of social cues, and one possible characterisation that may stem from that understanding (which i have seen) is that L doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes - which is demonstrably untrue. L demonstrates weak social skills because social skills aren't a priority for him, not because he doesn't understand social norms. after all he does a reasonably convincing 'i am a normal dudeguy' voice on at least two occasions (suzuki the information line guy and asahi the calling matsuda for drinks guy). even with the taskforce, when his behaviour is more of his usual bizarre self, he still makes the effort to treat them respectfully and meet them where they are, explaining himself when they ask, chatting with them, holding ordinary conversations. you can read this any number of ways but my point is that he can do all of this with relatively little struggle

it's also very much not the case that L doesn't have feelings or care about other people. he's ruthless and he's cool with causing people to die if he has to, but he reacts with visible distress to the deaths of the FBI agents, to ukita's death, to the prospect of other members of the taskforce dying. he does care, he's just not morally driven as a priority.

ok but if he can cosplay as Normal Dudeguy with no trouble then why doesn't he. why does he conduct all his business in dark rooms apart from the entire world forever. is it gauche to use a section of my own fic to explain my point? im going to do it anyway

It is easy to identify in Light what he has long known in himself. That little pearl of disruption, grown around an irritating grain of something just unique and tremendous enough to be uncomfortable to the more ordinary around them. L has hidden it by hiding himself. Light has hidden it by hiding within himself. L's black letter is to Light’s vapid smile is to Kira's invisible bullet.

(honestly a lot of what i have discussed here is also covered in this fic so in case this fucking three thousand word essay is not enough for you you can go read that.)

something L and light significantly have in common is that their intellect and unique way of thinking really set them apart from everyone in the world, which is incredibly isolating. but while L has the 'benefit' (arguably could be a detriment but i think he sees it as a benefit) of a unique upbringing which allows him to use his skills to their full extent without worrying about really anything else, light is very much trapped by social convention. while light's life is privileged and materially perfect, he's stuck inside what society expects of him, while L is able to exist completely outside that paradigm. the result is that light has retreated within himself and spends all day playing a part, barely tolerating the monotony and apathy of the world around him by mechanically performing as expected while smothering the part of him that never has an opportunity to truly come out until kira. L, on the other hand, has no reason to put up with a society that is, for lack of a better term, really just beneath him. so he retreats. remember that the first volume/chapter of the manga is called 'boredom'.

you can see that even in his comparatively limited interactions with the task force, he is having to exercise a level of patience to explain to them what he's thinking at every stage, to have to defend his methods, his instincts, his decisions, etc, needing to step through every stage of his reasoning so that the others can follow and won't object. this is NOT just about masking his odd behaviour, it's also very much about having to step through his morals and his process, which is second nature to him but is new to everyone else and needs explaining. it is visibly exhausting to him, and this is with people he actually seems to like well enough. eg during yotsuba arc when light and soichiro keep raising moral concerns, and he has those little "here we go again" moments (which i love SO much and are so telling of him to me) even though he doesn't let his frustration show. which is why he usually does not bother with it and prefers to work alone. he sits the way he does even though he knows it's odd, because he feels he need to sit that way. when light calls it out, he doesn't question that people will think he's strange, so he's clearly aware. he just explains himself.

but if he were out with people on the regular, he'd need to defend himself constantly. the things L does are not conventional. yes the sitting is just an oddity of his so it's a good example, but it's not just the things that are odd that cause a problem: he frequently makes decisions which seem to make massive leaps of logic nobody else (except light) can follow, and often his actions are morally questionable or even reprehensible. all that is because L is extremely pragmatic and results-focused. it kind of doesn't matter to him how he gets from A to B as long as he gets to B. but the way his mind works is that he makes big jumps that make perfect sense to him but would draw curiosity or objection from anyone who doesn't think the way he does. it would be absolutely exhausting to have to constantly defend every strange or questionable thing he did, so he just retreats.

when he works with other people, i think it's worth noting that the team dynamic never actually struggles for L's awkwardness. this is something i really like about death note honestly - L is quirky and strange, but the series doesn't do that thing where it's like He's A Genius Of Course He's Rude To Everyone. he's actually not. for the most part, L is courteous, patient, and polite. he's sometimes blunt or abrupt, but he very rarely does the thing where he's obliviously cruel or brushes people off. he's considerate of people's needs, he's visibly compassionate of other people's emotional difficulties, and he very rarely loses his patience. when matsuda tries to tell the locked-up light about kira resuming activity, L snaps "Matsuda!" to stop him, and then immediately corrects himself to go "I mean, Matsuda-san." it would have been really easy for the series to do that tropey shit where he's so smart that he doesn't bother with politeness, but he factually does. he makes the effort to treat people politely even when he's not actually being kind. when he's asked to explain himself, the reader can see he's tired and annoyed, but he doesn't take it out on people. on the odd occasion he does make fun of someone for being slow, he does so in mostly light-hearted ways. so he is very capable of dealing with other people directly. his lack of social skills aren't for lack of understanding. he just can't be bothered. it's a waste of energy to try and behave 'normally' or to do things that other people find acceptable, whether that's due to social norm or common morality. it is so, so much easier for L to do things alone. without the need to explain or defend his behaviour to anyone, his isolation turns real world problems into something almost purely theoretical. so it really is like a game for him, at least at first.

whatever

i think it's really important for a character like L to not be fooled by the surface-level categorisation of 'smart awkward character'. we really need to find what's driving his awkwardness. it's not ignorance, it's not even really disdain, it's exasperation. he's tired of being surrounded by people who just can't keep up with him, and he does not have enough energy or interest to spend his time handholding everyone through his process, so he just does whatever the hell he wants and avoids people as much as possible so he doesn't have to deal with it.

look i know this is a really long way to say stuff that people mostly already know, but i think L is one of the most finely nuanced characters in the series because he looks like such a simple expression of a known archetype and the ways in which he subverts expectations are so granular that it's easy to completely miss them even while appreciating how interesting he is. the way this translates into how i write him is that he's polite and has a lot of patience until he simply doesn't, at which point he'll inwardly or subtly express that he wishes he didn't have to bother with this shit, that he picks up on fine social and emotional details that other people will totally miss, but that he'll always put his own whims and plans before anything else.

tl;dr: L behaves like someone who is constantly moving at his own pace and for whom dealing with people is rarely worth the effort, but this does not make him inept or unkind.

[justice4gyeongsu]

━━━ 'CHAPTER NINE' [WHEN DAWN BREAKS]

SYNOPSIS ➢ music and forgiveness dont really go hand in hand as you'd expect.

PAIRING ➢ lee suhyeok x male!reader

AU ➢ enemies-to-lovers au!

CONTENT WARNING ➢ this chapter contains; flashbacks, near death experience, alot of angst, mentions of bullying, depression, some fluff, mentions of puking, reoccuring ptsd, exclusion, mentions of gore, blood, cannibalism [let me know if i missed any!]

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determination had fueled their attempt to break into the 'instrument room', but now, defeat settled in. daesu slumped against the unyielding door, his breath escaping in a frustrated sigh. "shit, it's no use." joonyeong's voice broke the silence, his stomach growling in protest. "i'm starving," he said, dropping into the chair beside daesu. the two groups sat in a face-off, a circle of chairs on either side of the room. namra positioned herself by the doors, ever vigilant, with suhyeok at her side. earlier, she had given him permission to intervene if necessary, but a reassuring word from you had eased her concerns. for now, everything was settling.

you crouched down, your eyes scanned the drawers beneath the chalkboard, searching for anything of value. your stomach growled, a gentle reminder of your hunger. you hoped to stumble upon something edible, but the first drawer revealed only a knotted mess of wires and extra outlet boxes. undeterred, you methodically explored each drawer, your fingers tracing the contours of the tangled cords, your mind focused on the task at hand. the silence was punctuated only by the soft creak of the drawers as you opened and closed them, your search fueled by a glimmer of hope.

suhyeok's gaze lingered on you, his eyes fixed from a short distance away. positioned strategically, he was close enough to offer assistance if needed, yet also within reach of namra, ready to intervene if the situation took a turn. his thoughts, however, drifted to a different time and place - the school hallways, where you had once been a fleeting presence, a whisper of a person, barely perceptible. your quiet nature had allowed you to blend into the shadows, your existence slowly fading from notice. but now, suhyeok's mind was consumed by the weight of a shared past, a dreadful day that had left an indelible mark. he couldn't help but wonder how he would ever find the courage to face you again, to reconcile the ghosts of your shared history.

as you took the smooth wires from the drawer, your gaze drifted to the right, drawn to namra's fixed stare on the door beside her. her intensity was noticeable, and you felt an inexplicable pang of unease. your eyes darted back to the wires, then returned to namra, your mind weighing a suggestion that instantly felt wrong. something about it seemed cruel, inhumane. sensing her awareness of your gaze, you quickly looked away, feeling a flush rise to your cheeks. instead, you tucked the wire into your pants pocket, thinking it might prove useful someday. the gesture was a distraction from the uncomfortable moment, a way to shift your focus away from the unspoken tension.

as you rummaged through the adjacent cupboard, a treasure trove of guitar picks and sheet music lay before you, a seemingly endless supply. suddenly, a presence materialized beside you, and you turned to find suhyeok squatting next to you, his arms crossed over his knees. his face was a mask of solemnity, his gaze piercing as he looked at you. for a moment, you locked eyes with him, drowning in the depths of his dark caramel irises. then, you broke away, your focus returning to the cupboard's contents as you continued to dig through the clutter, the silence between you thick with unspoken emotions.

suhyeok's eyes remained fixed on yours, his gaze burning with an unspoken desire to connect, to bridge the gap that had grown between you. he wanted to talk to you, to ask how you were, to know what you were thinking, but the words caught in his throat like dry leaves. his mind was a jumble of emotions, a tangled web of regret, concern, and longing. he shifted his weight, his eyes darting to the floor, then back to yours, searching for a spark, a hint of what to say. the silence stretched out, a canvas waiting to be filled with words, but suhyeok's brush remained poised, unsure of where to begin. he cleared his throat, a faint sound, a prelude to speech, but still, the words wouldn't come, frozen in his chest like winter's snow.

you pushed the cupboard door shut, the soft click echoing through the room, a punctuation mark to your fruitless search. standing up, you stretched your arms over your head, arching your back in a gentle stretch. as you turned to move on to the next cupboard, your path was blocked by suhyeok's crouched form. he remained frozen, his eyes still fixed on your prior form, his expression a mixture of longing and uncertainty. his position, though unintentional, was a physical manifestation of the emotional barrier between you. you hesitated, unsure of how to navigate this unexpected obstacle. suhyeok, sensing your pause, slowly rose to his feet, his movements slow but fluid. his eyes try to meet yours, his gaze a gentle plea for connection, for understanding. the air was thick with unspoken words, the silence, a breathing entity that pulsed with unease.

as suhyeok shifted out of the way, you continued your search, moving downwards to the next cupboard. the door creaked softly as you opened it, revealing a neatly stacked array of small boxes, each adorned with labels in precise handwriting. curiosity piqued, you began to remove the boxes one by one, placing them down beside you on either side, creating a small assembly line of mysterious containers. the labels read like an odd inventory: "winter songs", "forgotten songs", "popular melodies", and "drafts". the boxes themselves were brown, their lids closed with a tiny click. as you arranged them, the silence between you and suhyeok remained, but your focus on the task at hand created a sense of purpose, a distraction.

suhyeok squatted beside you once more, his movements quiet as he positioned himself closer than before. his eyes fixed on the boxes, and he began to pick them up one by one, examining their contents with an air of curiosity. you didn't acknowledge him, your focus still on the cupboard's depths, but you were aware of his proximity, his shoulder almost touching yours. as he delved into the boxes, a faint rustling sound filled the air, accompanied by the occasional soft whisper of surprise. meanwhile, your hand closed around something unexpected in the back of the drawer - a hammer, its handle worn, its head heavy with use. you pulled it out, the tool feeling solid in your grasp, a contrast to the delicate boxes and their mysterious contents. suhyeok's gaze remained fixed on the box in his hands, but you sensed his awareness of the hammer, his attention piqued by the unexpected discovery.

suhyeok's fingers unfolded the paper he found in the box labeled ‘drafts’, his eyes scanning the contents with a mix of curiosity and reverence. as he read, his expression transformed, a softness creeping into his features. the paper was a letter, but not just any letter - it was a song, the words dancing across the page in a harmony of apology and longing. music notes were scribbled in the margins, a melancholic melody that seemed to match the rhythm of suhyeok's heartbeat. his voice, barely above a whisper, began to recite the words, the lyrics pouring out like a gentle stream:

"in the silence, i hear your voice

a whispered sorrow, a heartfelt choice

to let go, to move on, to find

a way to heal, to leave the past behind"

as he read, the words seemed to take on a life of their own, filling the space between you with a sense of yearning. the apology was raw, honest, and beautiful, a poignant expression of regret and hope. suhyeok's eyes never left the paper, but you sensed his gaze reaching out to you, his heart speaking directly to yours. the hammer in your hand felt heavy, a tangible weight compared to the ethereal beauty of the song. the moment hung suspended, a delicate balance of emotions, as suhyeok's voice faded into the silence, leaving only the echoes of the apology.

you rose to your feet, your focus swiftly shifting away from suhyeok and the emotional intensity of the moment. the hammer, still clutched in your hand, seemed to grow heavier as you walked towards the desk, its surface a blur of wood and scattered papers. with a quiet thud, you placed the hammer down, the sound a punctuation mark to your deliberate dismissal of the tender moment. the desk's edge was cool beneath your fingertips, a stark contrast to the warmth of suhyeok's words, still lingering in the air like a gentle breeze. you didn't look back, your gaze fixed on some invisible point beyond the desk, as if willing yourself to move forward, to leave the vulnerability of the moment behind.

as you stood there, lost in thought, your gaze drifted upward, and you noticed jimin sitting in a corner of the room, her eyes fixed on a small video camera she had discovered. the camera's lens was pointed at her face, and she was speaking in a soft, introspective tone, as if sharing secrets with an old friend. her words were directed at the camera, but they seemed to be meant for whoever might find the video in the future. "to whoever is watching this," she began, her voice barely above a whisper, "i hope you're doing okay. i hope you're finding what you're looking for." she paused, collecting her thoughts before continuing. "i'm leaving this here in case...in case things don't work out. in case i'm not around to explain myself." her eyes dropped, her gaze falling to the floor as she struggled to find the right words. "i just want you to know that i tried. i tried to make things right, to fix what was broken." the camera captured every nuance of her expression, every tremble of her lip, as she spoke from the heart. you watched, transfixed, as jimin's words hung in the air, a message in a bottle, cast into the unknown.

jimin's eyes flashed with a hint of determination, her voice taking on a slightly harder edge as she continued speaking to the camera. "if you're watching this, and you're one of those who left us here...who abandoned us without looking back..." her words trailed off, as if she was collecting her thoughts, choosing them carefully. "i want you to know that i remember. we all remember. and i hope...i hope that someday, somehow, you'll face the consequences of what you did." her gaze seemed to bore into the lens, as if she could see the faces of those who had wronged her and the others. "punish them," she whispered, her voice dripping with a quiet intensity. "punish them for leaving us to rot in this place. punish them for not coming back for us." the camera captured the raw emotion on her face, the pain and the anger, as she spoke words that seemed to be torn from the very depths of her soul.

while jimin's words faded away, hroryeong gently took the video camera from her hand, her eyes filled with a deep sadness. she turned the camera towards herself, the lens focusing on her face as she began to speak in a soft, trembling voice. "mom...dad..." she whispered, as if the camera was a portal to the past, a way to reach the parents she had lost. "i'm sorry...i'm so sorry..." tears began to well up in her eyes, her voice cracking with emotion as she spoke to the camera as if it were her parents. "i remember the way you used to smile at me...the way you used to hold my hand. i remember everything." her gaze dropped, her eyes fixed on some point beyond the camera, lost in memories. "i wish you were here...i wish you could see me now. i wish you could tell me everything is going to be okay." the camera captured every tear, every quiver of her lip, as hroryeong poured out her heart to the absent parents, her words a poignant expression of love, loss, and longing.

you couldn't bear to watch anymore, the emotions raw and overwhelming. you turned away from the group, your gaze falling upon the last drawer, still unopened. your hand reached out, almost mechanically, and pulled it open. the contents were shrouded in darkness, a mystery waiting to be uncovered. as you peered into the drawer, the sounds of the group's confessions, their last words to the world, faded into the background. you felt a sense of detachment, as if you were observing yourself from afar, going through the motions. the drawer's interior revealed a blank empty cupboard. staring at it in defeat, you sigh and stand up with a small curse, “shit.”

you stood there, lost in thought, until suhyeok approached you once more, his footsteps quiet on the dusty floor. he stood beside you, his eyes fixed on the empty drawer, before turning to face you. his gaze was soft, his voice barely above a whisper, as he finally spoke to you. "i'm sorry," he said, his words simple, yet profound. "i'm sorry for not being able to save you." his eyes searched yours, as if seeking forgiveness, understanding. the air between you seemed to vibrate with tension, the weight of unspoken emotions, as suhyeok's words hung in the balance, waiting for your response.

suhyeok's voice cut through the silence, his words a gentle plea. "i need you to understand," he said, his tone soft, yet urgent. "i know i made a mistake. i know i let you down." he took a step forward, his eyes locked on yours, searching for a glimmer of forgiveness. "i was scared, ...but that's no excuse." his voice cracked, a hint of emotion seeping through. you scoff, “you were scared, huh?” you look away. "i should have been stronger, i should have been there for you." he paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "i know i can't undo what's been done...but i need you to know that i regret it. i regret not being able to protect you." his words hung in the air, a heartfelt confession, a desperate attempt to bridge the gap between you. the silence that followed was heavy with tension, as if the very fate of your relationship hung in the balance, waiting for your response.

you shook your head, a slow, deliberate motion, as if trying to clear the words from your mind. "stop," you said, your voice firm, but barely above a whisper. "just stop." you raised a hand, a clear gesture of dismissal, as if trying to physically push the words away. "i can't forgive you," you said, the words tumbling out, a harsh truth. "i don't know if i ever can." suhyeok's face fell, his eyes dropping to the floor, as if the weight of your words was crushing him. "look its..," he whispered, but you cut him off. "stop talking," you said, your voice rising, a hint of anger creeping in. "just stop. i don't want to hear it." the silence that followed was oppressive, a heavy blanket that suffocated the room, leaving only the echoes of your words, a stark reminder of the chasm between you.

as you and suhyeok stood there, locked in a tense moment, neither of you noticed namra staring by the doorway, watching you both with an intent gaze. she was a silent witness to the emotional exchange, her expression unreadable. you and suhyeok were too caught up in your own emotions to notice her looking there, frozen in silence.

onjo appeared beside you, her gentle smile a stark contrast to the tension that had filled the room just moments before. she held out the camcorder, its lens still warm from onjo’s earlier confession. "here," she said softly, her eyes locked on yours. "i think it's your turn." her voice was a gentle invitation, a nod to the unspoken understanding that each of you had a story to tell, a truth to reveal. the camcorder seemed to hover in mid-air, a symbol of the trust and vulnerability that had been shared among you. you felt a sense of trepidation, a hesitation to bare your soul, but onjo's gentle smile reassured you, encouraged you to take the next step. the camera seemed to wait, patiently, for your story, your truth.

you sat next to the open window, the warm sunlight spilling in, casting a gentle glow on the room. the camcorder felt heavy in your hands, its weight a reminder of the responsibility that came with sharing your truth. you fiddled with the camera, your mind racing with thoughts of what to say, or if you should say anything at all. the silence was oppressive, a physical presence that pressed upon your skin, making your heart feel heavy. you looked out the window, watching as the sunlight danced through the leaves of the trees, wondering if you had the courage to reveal your own story. the others had shared their truths, their confessions, their regrets...but could you do the same? the camera seemed to stare back at you, its lens a constant reminder that this was your moment, your chance to speak. but the words wouldn't come, and you were left sitting there, frozen in uncertainty.

you took a deep breath, your finger hovering over the record button. you glanced around the room, ensuring no one was watching, before pressing the button and holding the camera up to your face. your voice was barely above a whisper as you began to speak. "hello, to whoever finds this. you may not know me, my name is..." you paused, a slight hesitation before continuing. "y/n l/n." the words felt strange on your lips, a formal introduction to an unknown audience. you took another deep breath, your eyes drifting out the window as you continued. "i'm not sure where to start, or what to say. i'm not even sure why i'm doing this." the camera's lens seemed to bore into your soul, as if urging you to reveal more. you hesitated, your thoughts racing, before finding the courage to continue. "i guess i just want to leave something behind, something true." the words felt fragile, vulnerable, but you pressed on, the camera's gentle hum a reminder that you were sharing your story, your truth.

your voice remained soft, but a hint of vulnerability crept in as you continued. "i'm the son of a mother who suddenly vanished..who couldn't bare to live the life that she had. i barely have any memories of her." the words felt like a confession, a revelation of a pain you'd long carried. "i remember pieces of her...a smile, a laugh, a warm embrace...but they're fading, like a dream i can't hold onto." you paused, collecting your thoughts before speaking again. "and i'm the son of a father who was consumed by debt...who thought staying down was needed to survive." a hint of bitterness seeped into your tone, a resentment towards the circumstances that had shaped your life. "he just let it happen, let them take everything from us." your eyes dropped, as if the weight of those memories was too much to bear. "i grew up with nothing...no stability, no security...just a constant sense of uncertainty." the camera's lens seemed to hold your gaze, as if urging you to confront the pain head-on. you took a deep breath, the words still flowing, like a river finally undammed.

your voice cracked slightly as you continued, the memories still raw. "i was a victim of bullies...relentless, merciless...they saw my weakness and pounced." your eyes flashed with a hint of defiance. "but i fought back...many times...i refused to stay a victim." despite the bravado, your tone betrayed a hint of sadness. "but it didn't matter...i was still an outcast...still alone." the words hung in the air, a poignant reminder of the pain and isolation you'd endured. "i tried to fit in...to be like them...but i couldn't...i wouldn't." your gaze dropped, as if the shame of those memories still lingered. "i was a ghost in my own life...invisible, insignificant...." the camera's lens seemed to hold your gaze, a silent witness to the anguish you'd faced. you took a deep breath, the words still flowing, a cathartic release of the pain and hurt.

"no one will help you but yourself," you said, a fierce determination etched in your voice. "i'm the only one who showed up for me every single day that i woke up...i was there for me when i felt like this life was no longer worth living." your eyes shone with a quiet strength. "i was my own savior, my own caretaker...i learned to love myself, even when the ones i wanted couldn't." a hint of sorrow lingered, but it was tempered by a sense of triumph. "i learned to fight for myself, to the very end...to hold on to hope, even when it seemed like a distant dream." your gaze locked onto the camera, a fierce intensity burning within. "i am my own hero, my own refuge...i will not wait for someone else to save me, because i know that i am enough." the words hung in the air, a powerful declaration of self-love and resilience. "i will fight for myself, every day...and i will love myself, even if it's the only love i ever know."

a single tear fell, rolling down your cheek as you spoke, your voice trembling with emotion. "i will never be a victim again," you whispered, the words a solemn vow. "even before this outbreak, i was a survivor..” you trail off, “and i will continue to be for the ones that couldn't be.” you slowly reached out and pressed the stop button on the camera, the recording coming to an end. your gaze lingered on the device for a moment, as if ensuring the words were truly captured. then, with a solemn expression, you turned away from the camera and looked out the window. the sunlight streaming in seemed to fade into the background as your eyes drifted off, lost in thought. your face reflected a mix of emotions - determination, sadness, and a hint of hope.

you felt a gentle touch on your shoulder, a soft pressure that seemed to convey a sense of understanding. you knew it was namra without looking, recognizing the thin, long fingers that rested on your shoulder. you didn't turn to face her, instead, you simply raised the camera, offering it to her. the hand on your shoulder hesitated for a moment before namra slowly took the camera from you. her fingers brushed against yours, a fleeting touch that seemed to convey a sense of solidarity. without a word, namra turned and walked back to her chair by the classroom doors, the camera clutched in her hand. you watched her go, still gazing out the window, lost in thought. the silence between you was palpable, yet somehow, it felt less heavy, as if sharing your story had created a sense of connection, a sense of understanding. namra's presence seemed to linger, even as she returned to her seat, a quiet witness to the emotions that still swirled within you.

suhyeok's gaze lingered on your tired figure, his eyes filled with concern. he seemed to debate whether to walk over to you again, to offer some semblance of comfort. he couldn't hear anything you said to the camera which made him curious. but before he could make a move, namra's sudden action caught his attention. she quickly walked towards the long red curtains that kept out the zombies, her movements swift and purposeful. suhyeok's curiosity got the better of him, and he followed her, his footsteps quiet on the floor. as he approached, namra turned to him, her eyes wide with a mix of fear and urgency. "i can hear something," she whispered, her voice barely audible. suhyeok's brow furrowed, his head cocked to the side as he listened intently.

the others quickly got up from their seats, their faces filled with concern, and walked towards namra, who stood frozen by the curtains. onjo approached you, her brow furrowed with worry, and asked, "are you okay?" her voice broke through your reverie, and you turned to her, still trying to process what was happening. you stood up, your movements slow, and followed the others towards namra. as you approached, namra turned to the group, her eyes wide with alarm.

"i think i hear someone...puking," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. the group exchanged uneasy glances, their faces filled with a mix of fear and confusion. suhyeok took a step forward, his hand on the curtain, as if ready to pull it back. "what do you mean?" he asked, his voice low and cautious. namra's grip on the curtain tightened. "i don't know, it sounds like...retching, gagging..." the group fell silent, their ears straining to pick up the sound. but nothing occured.

namra's eyes darted around the room, her gaze sweeping across the space as if searching for something. her expression was tense, her brow furrowed in concern. "guys, i think we should leave," she said suddenly, her voice low and urgent. "this room feels...weird." she hesitated, as if trying to find the right words.

cheongsan halted, his hand on the door handle, and turned to face the group. "we can't just leave," he said, his voice firm. "we need to figure out what's going on." daesu groaned, throwing up his hands. "this is all because we didn't head to the roof when we had the chance...when the music was playing." onjo's eyes lit up with a sudden idea. "we do have music," she said, a sly smile spreading across her face. she turned to namra, who still clutched the camcorder. "namra, can you play back the recording?" namra looked confused, but onjo continued, her excitement growing. "we can use the music to lure them in...build a tall barricade and funnel them into a trap." the group stared at her, unsure of what to make of her plan.

onjo's voice was filled with determination as she outlined her plan. "once all of them come in through these doors," she said, pointing to the left doors, "we can make a run for the backdoors and head to the roof." her eyes locked onto yours, her gaze intense. "every infected person will be in the room on this floor...we have to make it to the roof once theyre all in." she paused, her chest heaving with excitement. "we can do it." you nodded, a surge of adrenaline coursing through your veins. the plan was risky, but it was their best chance of escape. suhyeok and daesu nodded in agreement, their faces set with determination. namra and cheongsan exchanged a nervous glance, but they too nodded, ready to put their trust in onjo's plan. with a deep breath, the group steeled themselves for what was to come. they knew it wouldn't be easy, but they were ready to fight for their survival.

with a sense of purpose, the group sprang into action, beginning to set up the barricade. suhyeok and daesu started dragging heavy tables and chairs towards the left doors, their faces straining with effort. namra and cheongsan worked together, piling up stacks of books and furniture to reinforce the barricade. onjo directed the operation, her eyes darting back and forth to ensure everything was in place. you joined in, helping to secure the barricade with ropes and weights. as you worked, the retching sounds grew louder, more insistent, and the group's sense of urgency increased. they knew they had to be ready before the infected broke through the doors. sweat dripped down your faces, and muscles ached, but no one complained. they were driven by a shared determination to survive. finally, the barricade was in place, a sturdy wall of furniture and debris blocking the left doors. onjo stepped back, her eyes scanning the barricade, a nod of satisfaction on her face. "it's ready," she said, her voice firm. "let's get into position." the group moved to the backdoors, their hearts racing with anticipation. they knew what was coming.

cheongsan volunteered to stay behind, his voice firm. "someone has to open the door on the other side to let them in." suhyeok hesitated for a moment before jumping back over to join him. "i'll go with you," he said, his eyes locked on cheongsan's. the two of them positioned themselves by the barricade, ready to open the doors and lure the zombies in.

meanwhile, you and horyeong worked together to secure the chairs with rope, your hands moving in tandem. "you're brave," horyeong said suddenly, her voice soft. your gaze dropped down to hers, your eyes questioning. "what did you say?" you asked, your voice low. horyeong's face flushed pink as she looked up at you, her eyes shining with sincerity. "you're brave...and i hope you know that." she finished tying the knot, her hands moving quickly. you blinked, your ears heating up with shock, as you processed her words. no one had ever called you brave before. you didn't know how to respond, your mind racing. “um, well-i-yeah-.. im..” you stammer. she only looks at you and laughs, “you're welcome.”

meanwhile, cheongsan and suhyeok were engaged in a hushed conversation, their voices barely audible over the creaking of the barricade. cheongsan's eyes narrowed, his expression puzzled. "what did you just say?" he asked, his tone laced with curiosity. suhyeok's response was a low, throaty laugh, his eyes glinting with amusement. "i said i like someone else," he repeated, his smirk growing wider. "you don't need to worry about me and onjo. so treat her right, and not like a guy, moron." cheongsan's stare intensified, his gaze boring into suhyeok's. "who is it?" he pressed, his voice low and urgent. suhyeok's hesitated, his eyes darting towards you before snapping back to cheongsan. the same fear that had gripped him when myungwhan's arm had wrapped around his shoulders, while you were being assaulted, threatened to overwhelm him. he couldn't bring himself to say it, his voice caught in his throat. instead, he looked back at you, his gaze lingering on the glimpses of you he could see through the cracks between the chairs. "i'll tell you later," suhyeok said finally, his smile strained, his eyes betraying a mix of emotions.

suhyeok playfully elbowed cheongsan, gesturing for him to get back behind the barricade. "go, go!" he whispered urgently. cheongsan nodded and scurried back to safety. suhyeok took a deep breath, grasped the door handle, and slid it open. he didn't hesitate, dashing forward and using the wall to propel himself back behind the barricade. the zombies tumbled into the room, their feet tangling in the chairs set on the ground, causing them to trip and stumble. joonyeong, positioned by the camcorder, grinned mischievously as he pressed play. the loud music blared to life, echoing off the walls and drawing in more zombies. they shambled towards the sound, their moans growing louder, more insistent. the group held their breath as the zombies poured into the room, their numbers swelling. the barricade creaked and groaned under the pressure, but held firm. suhyeok landed hard on the floor, his chest heaving, and grinned at cheongsan. "that was close," he whispered. cheongsan nodded, his eyes fixed on the horde beyond the barricade. "too close."

the group strained against the barricade, their muscles trembling with effort, as the zombies pushed and clawed at the makeshift barrier. joonyeong, meanwhile, continued to turn up the volume, the music growing louder and more intense, drawing even more zombies into the room. onjo darted between the windows, peeking through the curtains to check the hallways. each time, she shook her head, her expression grim. "still too many out there," she whispered to suhyeok, who nodded curtly, his eyes fixed on the barricade. cheongsan, you, and daesu were pressed against the barrier, their faces set in determined lines, as they struggled to hold it in place. namra and horyeong were positioned at the edges, their eyes scanning the room for any signs of weakness. the zombies continued to pour in, their numbers seemingly endless, as the music reached a deafening crescendo. the barricade creaked and groaned, threatening to collapse at any moment, but the group held firm, their lives depending on it. onjo checked the windows again, her heart sinking as she saw the hallway was still filled with zombies. "we can't stay here," she whispered urgently. "we need to be louder, daesu!"

daesu's face turned red with rage as he shouted at the top of his lungs, "die zombies, fucking die!" his voice echoed off the walls, drowning out the music for a moment. the zombies, already frenzied, became even more agitated, their moans growing louder, more urgent. they pressed against the barricade with renewed strength, causing it to slide further towards daesu's side of the room. the group stumbled backward, their feet scraping against the floor as they struggled to maintain their position. the barricade creaked ominously, its stability precarious. "daesu, again!" onjo yelled, her voice panicked. "one more time!" daesu continued to shout, his voice hoarse, his eyes blazing with fury. the zombies kept coming, their numbers seemingly endless, as the barricade shrank, trapping the group in an increasingly smaller space.

the others, not holding the barricade, grabbed whatever instruments they could find - guitars, drums, maracas - and began playing them with reckless abandon. the loud sounds were ear-piercing, a chaotic mix of clashing notes and rhythms that grated on the nerves. namra was banging away on a drum set, her face contorted in a mixture of fear and determination. hroryeong was strumming a guitar with wild, slashing motions, the strings squealing in protest. joonyeong was shaking a pair of maracas with a frenzied intensity, the beads rattling out a maddening beat. the music was a far cry from the harmonious melodies they had played earlier, now it was a jarring, discordant noise designed to attract every zombie within earshot. and it worked. more and more zombies stumbled into the room, drawn by the cacophony, their eyes fixed on the group with a hungry gleam. the barricade creaked and groaned, the group's position becoming increasingly precarious. but they didn't stop playing, their faces set in grim determination, as they fought to survive.

your arm began to ache, a burning sensation spreading from your shoulder to your wrist, as you strained against the barricade. you gritted your teeth, pouring all your strength into holding it back. the zombies pushed and clawed, their relentless pressure threatening to overwhelm you. sweat dripped from your brow, stinging your eyes, as you dug deep, finding reserves of strength you didn't know you had. your legs trembled, your back screamed in protest, but you refused to yield. the barricade creaked, groaned, and shuddered, but you held firm, your arm a rigid bar of muscle and bone. the others played on, their music a wild, savage counterpoint to the zombies' moans, as they fought to keep the horde at bay. but you knew it couldn't last. the barricade was weakening, the zombies too numerous, too strong. you felt it slipping, inch by inch, the weight crushing down on you like a physical force. your vision blurred, your breath came in ragged gasps, but still you pushed, your arm screaming in agony, as the barricade teetered on the brink of collapse.

cheongsan's voice cut through the din, "wujin, now! we need to go, now!" but wujin, still gazing out the window, shook his head, his expression grim. "we can't go yet! not yet!" he shouted back, his voice laced with urgency. cheongsan's eyes widened in alarm, "what do you mean? we can't hold this much longer!" wujin's gaze remained fixed on something outside, his jaw clenched. "there's too many out there...we'll never make it...just a little longer, please!" the barricade shuddered, the zombies' pressure intensifying, as if sensing their prey's desperation. the group's cries of exertion grew louder, their faces contorted in effort, as they fought to maintain their position. suhyeok's eyes darted to wujin, then back to the barricade, his mind racing with the implications. "what's out there, wujin? what are you seeing?" but wujin just shook his head, his voice barely audible over the chaos. "just...hold...on..."

"it's gonna fall!" you shouted, your voice hoarse from exertion, as the barricade creaked ominously. you winced in pain, your shoulder aching despite using the other one to push. the strain was taking its toll on your body, but you refused to yield. everyone was fighting, pushing, and shoving, desperate to keep the zombies at bay. in the midst of the chaos, your gaze met suhyeok's, and for a fleeting moment, you locked eyes. it was as if time stood still, and all that existed was the two of you, connected in a shared struggle for survival. the eye contact seemed to inject new energy into your weary muscles, and you pushed harder, fueled by a renewed sense of determination. suhyeok's expression mirrored yours, his eyes burning with a fierce resolve. together, you fought on, your movements synchronized, as if driven by a single heartbeat. the barricade groaned, the zombies clawed, but you stood firm, united in your defiance. in that instant, you knew you could face anything, as long as you had each other.

"clear! we have to go now!" wujin yelled, his voice piercing the chaos, as he slid open the door to reveal an empty hallway. the sudden reprieve sparked a frantic scramble for escape. one by one, the group members abandoned their stations and sprinted towards the door. you glanced at daesu, who gestured urgently, "go already!" you nodded and took off, your heart racing, as you dashed towards the door. looking back, you saw cheongsan hesitating, then turning to run back to daesu. he grabbed daesu's arm, pulling him along, as they both sprinted towards the door. they were the last two to leave, and as they reached the threshold, the barricade behind them gave a final, ominous creak before collapsing under the crushing weight of the infected horde. the sound of shattering wood and screams filled the air, but you didn't look back. you kept running, your eyes fixed on wujin, who was leading the group down the hallway, their footsteps echoing off the walls. you knew you had to keep moving, to find a safe haven before the zombies overwhelmed you once more.

you ran side by side with joonyeong, your feet pounding the floor in unison, as you both stayed tucked in the middle of the group. the girls - namra, horyeong, jimin and onjo - flanked you, their faces set in determined lines, their breathing ragged. wujin and cheongsan led the charge, their long strides eating up the distance, as they navigated the twisting hallways. daesu and suhyeok brought up the rear, their eyes scanning the surroundings, ready to defend against any stragglers. you heaved, your lungs burning, as you struggled to keep pace. the group's formation was tight, a cohesive unit, as you all fought to escape the zombie-infested school. the hallways blurred together, a never-ending maze, but wujin's lead kept you moving forward. sudden turns and sharp corners made your stomach lurch, but joonyeong's presence beside you was a steady comfort. you glanced over, meeting his gaze, and saw a flicker of fear, quickly replaced by a determined glint. you nodded, and he nodded back, your bond forged in the heat of survival.

you all thundered up the first staircase you saw, your footsteps echoing off the walls. wujin led the charge, his eyes fixed on the top, as you ascended higher and higher. at each landing, you turned right, following a zigzagging path through the school's upper floors. your one-armed gait made balance a constant struggle, but joonyeong stayed glued to your side, offering a steadying hand whenever you stumbled. his support was a lifeline, helping you navigate the treacherous stairs without falling behind. the others pushed on, their breathing growing more labored with each floor. daesu and suhyeok still brought up the rear, their eyes scanning the stairs below, ready to defend against any zombies that might appear. as you climbed, the sounds of chaos and destruction grew fainter, replaced by the creaking of the old school's wooden framework and the group's ragged gasps. finally, you reached the top floor, the stairs ending at a door marked "roof access".

the door to the roof access loomed before you, its metal surface gleaming in the dim light. wujin grasped the handle, pushing and pulling with all his might, but it wouldn't budge. cheongsan joined him, their combined strength straining against the unyielding door. but it remained stubbornly shut, the lock unyielding. the group's collective anxiety grew, their impatient whispers and shifting feet echoing through the corridor. "come on, come on!" daesu urged, his voice low and urgent. "we can't stay here!" suhyeok added, his eyes scanning the stairs below, as if expecting a zombie horde to appear at any moment. joonyeong stayed close to you, her hand on your arm, her gaze fixed on the door. "what's wrong?" namra asked, her voice trembling. "why won't it open?" wujin stepped back, his face grimy with sweat, and examined the lock.

daesu, frustration etched on his face, growled, "move!" and positioned himself before the door. he took a few steps back, then launched himself at the door, shoulder first. the impact was loud, but the door held firm, barely budging. daesu recoiled, wincing in pain, his shoulder likely bruised. cheongsan, meanwhile, had moved to the side, where a keypad was mounted. he studied it for a moment, then began entering a password. the keypad beeped, and a flashing red light signaled "incorrect". cheongsan's face contorted in anger, he punched the keypad with a curse, "come on, shit!" the group's anxiety spiked, their eyes darting between the door, the keypad, and the stairs below, where the zombies could appear at any moment. "try again!" wujin urged, his voice low and urgent. cheongsan's fingers flew across the keypad, entering another sequence. the beep sounded once more, followed by the same flashing red light. "no, no, no!" cheongsan shouted, his fist clenched in frustration. hroryeong’s grip on your arm tightened, her eyes wide with fear. "what if we can't get out?" she whispered.

joonyeong pushed daesu aside and began pounding on the door, his fists making loud thuds. "is anyone there? anyone?" he shouted, his voice hoarse from screaming. he banged the door again, desperation etched on his face. you remembered the hammer in your pocket, the one you'd saved from the music room. "joonyeong!" you called out, tossing him the hammer. he caught it mid-air, his eyes flashing with determination. she began hammering the metal door handles, trying to break them off. the clangs echoed through the corridor, accompanied by joonyeong's grunts of effort. you glanced down the staircase, still seeing no signs of zombies. but you knew that could change any moment.

namra's eyes locked onto yours, her expression grim. "they're coming, a bunch of them," she whispered, her head cocked to the side, as if listening to a distant sound. you strained your ears, but heard nothing. yet, you trusted namra's instincts over your own. you hurried to cheongsan, who was still trying to hack the keypad. "cheongsan, namra says a horde is coming," you warned him.

he nodded curtly, not looking up, and motioned to suhyeok. the two of them positioned themselves at the top of the staircase, eyes fixed on the floor below, waiting for any zombies to emerge. meanwhile, joonyeong continued to hammer at the door handles, but soon groaned, his hand hurting from the reverberation. wujin took over, his face set in determination, and continued to strike the same handle. slowly but surely, it began to loosen, the metal creaking in protest. a faint crack appeared in the door, and you knew they were making progress. the sound of wujin's hammering echoed through the corridor, a rhythmic clang that seemed to match the pounding of your heart. suddenly, suhyeok's voice cut through the din, "wait, do you hear that?" he whispered, his eyes fixed on the staircase below.

the sound of zombies crawling and tripping up the staircase grew louder, their moans and snarls filling the air. suhyeok and cheongsan stood firm, using a thick wooden art placer and a metal tripod to push back against the horde. the wooden placard cracked and splintered, but held firm, as they desperately tried to hold off the zombies. "fuck, it's not opening?" you cursed, glancing back at wujin, who shook his head, his face grim. the hammering had stopped, and the crack in the door seemed to have reached a plateau. panic began to set in, as the reality of your situation sank in. you were trapped, with no clear escape route. the zombies would soon overwhelm suhyeok and cheongsan, and then you'd all be doomed. jimin’s eyes met yours, wide with fear, as she whispered, "what do we do?" namra's voice trembled, "we can't stay here..." horyeong and onjo clung to each other, their faces pale. the group's cohesion began to fray, as desperation took hold. wujin's gaze darted around, searching for an alternative, but there was none. you were running out of time, and options.

namra tapped you on the shoulder, her eyes locked on yours, and pointed to a huge blue tarp next to her. you quickly grabbed it, understanding her plan. "everyone, help!" namra shouted, as she began to unfold the tarp. "we need to cover the balcony, block the zombies from coming up!" the group sprang into action, grabbing the tarp's edges and rushing to the balcony. you heaved the tarp over the railing, and the others helped to spread it out, covering the stairs below. the zombies, undeterred, continued to climb, but the tarp blocked their ascent, trapping them below. the group breathed a collective sigh of relief, but knew it was only a temporary solution. the tarp wouldn't hold forever, and you still needed to find a way out. wujin turned back to the door, hammer in hand, and resumed his efforts to break through. joonyeong joined him, and together they hammered away, trying to widen the crack. suhyeok and cheongsan stood guard, ready to defend against any zombies that might breach the tarp. you looked around, assessing your situation, and knew you had to keep moving. the roof was still your best bet, but you needed to get through that door.

just as you thought the tarp would hold, a figure emerged from behind it. gwinam, his eye bloody and swollen, walked calmly past the zombies, who didn't even flinch in his presence. his gaze was fixed on the group, and his expression sent shivers down your spine. it was almost...evil. the group exchanged nervous glances, unsure what to make of gwinam's sudden appearance.

gwinam's evil smile fixed on cheongsan, who stood frozen, tripod still clutched in his hand. cheongsan, trying to protect himself, swung the tripod at gwinam, but it was like hitting a brick wall. gwinam didn't flinch, didn't even acknowledge the blow. your mind racing, memories of gwinam's torture in school came flooding back. you were that terrified kid again, unable to move or escape. onjo's shout broke the spell, "keep holding the tarp!" you snapped back to reality, but your body trembled with fear. gwinam's grip on cheongsan tightened, his smile growing wider. "give me your eye, yeah?" his words made your blood run cold. namra, however, sprang into action. with a strength that belied her slender frame, she grabbed gwinam by the throat, holding him over the ledge. gwinam's eyes widened in surprise, his grip on cheongsan faltering. namra's gaze burned with intensity as she gritted out, "why don't you just die?" and with a swift motion, she threw gwinam down the staircase. the tarp, still clutched by the group, was dragged down with him, leaving you all exposed once more. the zombies, now free to climb, began to pour up the stairs, their moans growing louder.

onjo's yell cut through the chaos, "we got the door open! come on!" the group sprinted towards the doorway, desperate for escape. as you emerged into the bright sunlight, you felt a sense of hope. but, you didn't forget your friends still fighting off zombies. you turned back, seeing suhyeok and cheongsan struggling to hold off the horde. "guys, come on!" you shouted, rushing back to help. you grabbed cheongsan's arm, pushing him towards the door. "go, go, go!" suhyeok followed close behind, zombies mere steps behind. wujin and joonyeong helped pull them to safety, as namra and hroryeong stood guard, ready to defend against any stragglers. finally, everyone was through the doorway, gasping for breath. you looked around, taking in the rooftop's expanse. the sun shone brightly overhead, a welcome change from the darkness below. but, you knew the zombies could still follow. you needed a new plan, and fast. "we need to find a way down," wujin said, echoing your thoughts. "or a way to block the door," suhyeok added, still catching his breath. the group began to brainstorm, desperate to survive.

the door creaked and groaned, but suhyeok and cheongsan held firm, their faces strained with effort. you gazed up at the helicopter, its rotors whipping the air into a frenzy. the wind stung your eyes, making it hard to keep them open. but then, you saw him. cheolsu, the one person you forgot about. he sat in the helicopter, looking down at you with a mixture of guilt and relief. your mind reeled as you whispered, "what...?" cheolsu's eyes met yours for a brief moment, before he looked away, closing his eyes in comfort. the betrayal cut deep, a second knife to the back. you felt like you'd been punched in the gut, all the air sucked out of you. how could he? why was he there, safe and sound, while you fought for your life? the questions swirled, but the answers remained elusive. the helicopter began to lift off, leaving you and your friends to fend for yourselves. you watched, numb, as cheolsu disappeared into the distance, leaving you to face the undead hordes alone.

suhyeok sprinted alongside the helicopter, waving their arms and yelling, but it was too late. the helicopter vanished into the distance, leaving you all behind. you took suhyeok's spot, holding the door with cheongsan, feeling the undead pounding against it. for a moment, you thought. then, you remembered the wires in your pocket. "wait," you said, digging into your pocket and producing the wires. you handed them to cheongsan, who quickly got to work. he tied the wires to the door knobs, securing them with a sturdy knot. "okay!" he exclaimed, slowly lifting his weight off the door. you did the same, and to your relief, the door held firm. the zombies on the other side continued to pound and moan, but the makeshift barricade kept them at bay. for now, you were safe. cheongsan let out a sigh of relief, and you shared a nod of triumph. but, you knew it was only temporary. you needed a new plan, and fast. the group gathered around, looking at you for guidance. "what's next?" wujin asked, his eyes scanning the rooftop. you took a deep breath, thinking. the city stretched out before you, a vast expanse of unknown dangers. but, you had to keep moving. "we need to find another way down," you said, "and fast."

the helicopter vanished into the distance, leaving you all behind. hroryeong's sobs echoed through the rooftop, a heartbreaking sound. cheongsan, exhausted, collapsed to the ground, his chest heaving. you knelt beside him, concern etched on your face. "hey, it's okay. take deep breaths," you said, patting his legs to prevent cramping. cheongsan nodded, still panting, as you sat beside him. you took a moment to catch your own breath, feeling the weight of your situation. all you wanted was to go home, to shower, to sleep in your own bed. but that was a luxury you couldn't afford. not now, not yet. you were stuck on this rooftop, trapped with your peers, surrounded by the undead. the reality was crushing.

but for now, you just sat, trying to gather your strength, trying to process everything that had happened. the silence was broken only by hroryeong's sobs and cheongsan's heavy breathing.

you and cheongsan exchanged a nervous glance as the door began banging hard, the sound echoing across the rooftop. you knew it was gwinam, trying to get in. the metal doors shuddered under the impact, but held firm. for now. everyone gathered around, watching in silence as the door continued to shake. one burst, two, three... but after the fourth, the banging stopped. an unsettling quiet fell over the rooftop. you waited, expecting another burst, but nothing came. the silence was oppressive, heavy with tension. "what's going on?" wujin whispered, eyes fixed on the door. "is he...?" joonyeong trailed off, his voice barely audible.

you shook your head, unsure. cheongsan slowly got to his feet, his eyes locked on the door. "i don't know, but we need to be ready." suhyeok nodded, positioning themselves beside cheongsan. the group formed a semi-circle around the door, waiting, watching. the quiet stretched out, punctuated only by horyeong's sniffling. you held your breath, bracing for what might come next.

namra's voice broke the silence, her words barely above a whisper. "he's gone." suhyeok turned to her, confusion etched on their face. "who's gone?" but namra's gaze was fixed intently on the door, her head cocked to one side, as if listening for something. "gwinam," she said, her voice firm, confirming what everyone was thinking. the group exchanged nervous glances, unsure what to make of namra's declaration. cheongsan took a step forward, his eyes locked on the door. "are you sure?" he asked, his voice low. namra nodded, her eyes still fixed on the door. "yes, i'm sure. he's not trying to get in anymore." the silence that followed was oppressive, heavy with uncertainty. what did it mean? had gwinam given up? or was he planning something else? you couldn't shake the feeling that you were all just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[prettyboykatsuki]

how do you reconcile with writing smut about characters who are canonically minors? i’m not trying to attack you or try to change your mind or anything, so sorry if my question reads that way. i’m just genuinely curious 😭

no worries!! this is asked respectfully so i dont mind answering even tho i usually just delete stuff abt this now

idk really know how to answer your question i have not reiterated many times. but like. i want you to really consider your own way of asking this to me critically. like what would i have to "reconcile" with exactly? them being minors in canon?

for me personally there's nothing to reconcile with. i feel no guilt or shame or remorse about aging up characters. or just like wanting to fuck them. or really anything i write in fiction at all, point blank - should i choose to explore it. like there's not crime i've committed other than being horny about some shit i made up, upon the basis some shit another guy made up.

partially this is bc characters in fictions are concepts. they're objects, thoughts, ideas. no matter how brainrotted i am about them, they don't live in material reality. im not harming them because they don't exist. outside of my phone and computer they are not real. harrowing myself with guilt over something that does not even exist is kind of insane. this applies to everything.

you can feel personal discomfort over aging up for yourself, but the reality is no actual minors are harmed in the process of me writing porn about anime characters. bakugou is lines on paper. i am allowed to cut him out like a barbie doll and play with him however i like. he doesn't get a say in that because he is fake lol.

there's like idk. all sorts of nuance to this and if you are respectfully curious im happy to talk to you about it. but they're just not real. no one is hurt in me writing this. so it doesn't matter to me at all. i would never hurt another person because of what im interested in fictionally, either. i have spent too many years becoming a decent human being to wonder about that

nothing i do in the fictional space is of any relevance to who i am, except for what things might cause genuine harm to another living breathing person. i write a lot of dark content in my smut also but

a lot of my content also while being dark, does not specifically deal with sensitive social issues so no one is hurt in that way either. i have enough confidence in my critical understanding of the world to write what i do understand to my ability. i mostly write about noncon and dubcon and yandere, all of which are personal violations and not social ones (OVERSIMPLIFYING THERE A LOT). i sometimes do write about social taboos of course but not whats outside of my ability

all in all its like. i dont know what i'd feel guilty over. no one is hurt and i have no intent to harm. nothing matters outside of that