#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true

[angelstrawbabie420]

grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it

[mariemariemaria]

i feel kinda crazy bc whenever i was a teenager i created this sorta imaginary older big sister who had moved out of the house so in my head i could live w her whenever i wanted bc she had survived it all and was independent and she would also just comfort me in a big sisterly way whenever something bad or upsetting happened and recently ive been going back to that at my big age 😭 and its kinda sad and also just wish fulfillment and also kinda scary bc i really used to think that by my age i'd have everything sorted but i really don't and i know that's normal and nobodies twenties are perfect but some people also have good relationships w their fathers which is crazy just to think about sooo

[faggling]

I'm having such a terrible gender time right now jfc

[toytulini]

would be cool this yr to do like first aid training maybe?

[tragicomedys]

i really do wonder how lgbt muslims do it.

[kamaradka]

tfw u realize ur best friend has been treating u bad for so long and now even he cant take it anymore :( and so ur only options are to 1. let him treat u slightly less bad in some ways but Way Worse in others, plus You Know Now And Cant Pretend It Was All Okay, or 2. tell him you dont want to see him again so he'll stop hurting you :((((((((

[quaalussy]

writing a paper rn for queer theory abt female masculinity & motherhood in juno and its making me once again have to contend w anti abortion messaging in the movie

[kaddos]

never in my life have i heard such a tragic and hopeful and beautiful song..... what if we were both addicts and desperately in love with each other but we could only manage to be the worst versions of ourselves to each other... and what if we understood each other profoundly because of this and yet we couldnt have any real closeness because our relationship would only ever be tumultuous. what if i hold a million versions of you in my head and you were bad to me but you were all i had and it wasnt even anything i could name. what if sometimes i cared about you desperately and you did sometimes and other times you were just fucking mean. and what if ill miss you forever. what then

[rivalcobalt]

Okay actually yknow what, I'm just gonna do this on here cause I've been agonizing over this for too long

Firstly to prove I'm not insane, and I guess to his credit, the author has mentioned ONS as an inspiration-slash-thing-with-similar-vibes on twitter (archived):

That said, I feel like this really undersells it. Like, you can argue about how much inspiration you can take from a work, and ONS itself takes insane amounts of shit from Devilman, but even still it feels very much like a different story, and not like... the entire first half of the book being largely what you'd get if you just ported the plot of S1 of ONS over into a YA novel with and then altered who the love interest was.

This is long enough already (talking like nearly 4 pages point form on google docs) so I'm just copying it over as is. I only read the book once, so honestly this may have even missed some things. I'd put more effort into this but honestly idk how many people are gonna see this anyways.

Tl;dr no fucking way did you just "watch this while editing"

The Flood || unnamed apocalypse virus

Man-made virus

Kills most of the human population (ons' explicitly kills off 90%, the Flood has killed near 9 billion (earth's population when it was released)/appears to be a comparable rate)

Intentionally caused by Angels cult/Hyakuya Sect + JIDA (revealed in manga/LNs only)

Angels cult || vampires:

Signaturely wear white robes/uniforms + capes

Ons vampires are associated with (fallen) angels

New Nazareth/Sanguinem (city for cult/vampires that protagonist escapes from)

Don't want any more of their kind made (Angels forcing Angel parents to drown their newborns, vampires noted to be generally opposed to making more vampires for unexplained reasons; iirc only progenitors are able to sire and they're supposed to get permission from the vampire council first)

Angels cult || Hyakuya Sect

Religious cult

Doing human (S)eraph experiments

Benji & Theo/Yuu & Mika are children of cult members who use them as test subjects

Causes virus on purpose (manga/LNs only)

Responsible for creating Graces/Horsemen of John (manga/LNs only)

Benji || Yuu:

Only successful version of the (S)eraph experiments

Not fully in control of powers yet/powers emerge over the course of the story

Child of Angels/Hyakuya Sect cult members

Brought to New Nazareth/Sanguinem under the age of 12 and lives there for 4-5 years before escaping

Grow up in New Nazareth/Sanguinem with Theo/Mika during those years

Important family member dies as they try to escape together

Son of cult members

Posesses (S)eraph abilities from being experimented on by cult

Joins ALC/JIDA in their front-line forces after escaping and being found by Nick/Guren

Seraph || seraphs (humans possessing seraph gene and have ability to turn into them)

Aim to wipe out humanity (but this can be controlled by protagonist with effort)

Very powerful

Created via human experimentation on children by the religious cult that caused the virus

Picture of Yuu in complete seraph form in ons tweet from author

Theo || Mika:

Curly/wavy blond hair and blue eyes

Protagonist's childhood best friend

In love with protagonist, debatably reciprocated

Child of Angels/Hyakuya Sect cult members

Grows up in New Nazareth/Sanguinem with protagonist, but didn't escape with them

Wants to get protagonist away from ALC/JIDA and live with them

Seen in whites of the vampires/Angels for the majority of the story

Remains affiliated with the vampires/Angels (Theo sides with Angels & Mika is turned)

Soldier for the Angels/vampires

Protagonist often recalls memories of being in the cult/vampire city together as children

Protagonist thinks of them as someone they'll never see again after escaping (Theo stayed with cult, Yuu thinks Mika is dead)

Mika is revealed to be the son of the first vampire, a fallen angel, meaning he's also an angel (manga only)

Other (S)eraph besides Benji/Yuu, but not a fully functional one (Theo injects himself with a failed version of Seraph, Mika's seraph gene is dormant)

Theo's angry outbursts may be based on Mika's anger (though who they lash out at is very different)

Theo's character differences from Mika are almost all traits commonly found in other characters also influenced by Ryou Asuka (betrays protagonist, parallel to protagonist due to similarities but on opposing sides of conflict) (not sure if author knew about Mika being heavily from Ryou or just subconsciously knew the archetype via consuming other anime/manga/JRPGs/etc or just a really funny coincidence)

Upon escaping New Nazareth/Sanginem, Benji's dad/Mika is killed

Nothing can be done to save them

Bleeding out as Benji/Yuu tries to save them as a specific similar imagery (plus I guess gaping hole wounds specifically mentioned (from being shot in the head/arm thrust through stomach respectively))

Specific memories of looking at a map together to plan their escape

Yuu/Benji is forced to keep running alone to the only way out (only bridge out of Acheson/only tunnel out of Sanguinem)

Cult is using human experiments to create humans with the seraph gene/martyrs to turn into Seraph

(S)eraphs aim to wipe out the rest of humanity

The name. Are you kidding me

Protagonist is the only fully successful experiment

Main character and childhood best friend are children of parents in cult

(In the end) main character and childhood best friend are both (S)eraph experiments

The way the Flood is killing Benji has similarities to Yuu in his incomplete seraph form

Dripping blood and black fluid (Yuu: from wings and left eye, right sclera filled with blood and left eye may have burst upon transforming, Benji: from wounds from Seraph decomposing him)

Spitting up black fluid

at a later incident, Yuu's seraph form is triggered by multiple organs rupturing. Benji's organs are liquefying inside him and coming up in chunks as part of the Seraph transformation

Theo's death after injecting himself with Dominion-12 focusing on his shot-through left eye looking like a black hole is similar to Yuu's left eye blacked out by anime gore censor circle in incomplete seraph form

Same type of post-apocalyptic setting: 

Plants beginning to cover over a wrecked city (only a few years after the virus broke out, so not super heavily overgrown yet)

Skyscrapers and concrete brutalist architecture specifically shown. Downtown core type of stuff

Graces || Horsemen of John

Created by Angels/Hyakuya Sect (result of Flood virus/called by 6th trumpet (seraph) of seraph experiments)

Beasts that kill humans, just to finish killing off the population

Can be called upon/created/controlled by (S)eraphs

Described as both horselike and spiderlike

Ribs protruding out of chest, fangs, mouths in unusual places, and I think wings (not sure about Graces on that one) are common traits

Picture of a Horseman included in author's tweet about ons

ALC || JIDA

Wear all black

Surviving humans outside of New Nazareth/Sanginem

Fight against Angels/vampires

Rescue Benji/Yuu after they escape New Nazareth/Sanguinem

Secretly aim to use Benji/Yuu's (S)eraph abilities for their own gain

The Watch || Shinoa Squad

ALC/JIDA Moon Demon Company front lines squad

Comprised of teenagers

Protagonist joins them after escaping New Nazareth/Sanguinem to fight back against the Angels/vampires

Cormack is debatably based on Kimizuki (red/pink hair, asshole personality, rare bits of kindness show through exterior (when Cormack prioritizes giving Benji his jacket to block smoke while ALC is on fire, but not nearly as nice of a guy under it all as Kimizuki)

Aisha is like… maybe bastardized Mitsuba if you just take her emotional outburst parts, but I might be reaching on that

Nick || Guren 

Leader of ALC & the Watch/Moon Demon Company (strongest section of front-line soldiers in JIDA)

Black hair & eyes (Guren's eyes are dark purple, but could be interpreted as stylized black)

Finds Benji/Yuu after their escape and brings them into their group

Nick is literally just Guren in personality if you age him down a few years and add autism and make him nicer under the exterior. Like even the way he talks and him being mentioned dramatically stomping his leg up on furniture during speeches 

Heading ALC/JIDA's intentions to use Benji/Yuu for their own gain

Dehumanizes protagonist yet also having a bit of affection towards them (more debatable for Guren, but he has some rare moments of being caring towards Yuu in a more older sibling/fatherly way)

Erin || Shinoa

Another leader within the ALC/JIDA (though Erin isn't a soldier/in the Watch)

Sympathetic towards Benji/Yuu, protests against Nick/Guren directly for how they treats them

Pastel pink/purple feminine aesthetic

Wears hair at least partly in braids

Benji & Theo's reunion in Reformation Faith Evangelical Church || Yuu & Mika's reunion on the battlefield in Shinjuku

Reunite at first major battle protagonist participates in, but not their first (iirc both only have one minor fight between joining ALC/JIDA squad and this one)

One approaches other from behind, other only realizes who they are a moment after turning around

On opposite sides as ALC/JIDA vs Angels/vampires

"[Name]? Is that you?"

Benji holds a knife to Theo's throat || Yuu stabs Mika through the chest

Theo/Mika went along to fight specifically to find Benji/Yuu

"Abandon everything and run away with me" || "I came here to follow you. I couldn't let the city take you alone. If it wants you, it has to take me too."

Theo/Mika wants to separate Benji/Yuu from the ALC/JIDA (but Mika has good reason, while Theo wants Benji to come back to the cult)

Forced to separate again at end of fight

Picture of Yuu stabbing Mika from this scene is also on ons tweet from author

In general, first half follows the escape from Sanguinem/New Nazareth leaving behind a dying family member who tried to escape with the protagonist but died to let them get away -> get found by JIDA/The Watch upon escape and rescued by Guren/Nick with the intention of using Yuu/Benji as a weapon against those he escaped from due to his nature as a human experiment -> join JIDA/The Watch, meet other members and the leader Guren/Nick -> do some missions with them -> reunite with previous friend-slash-love interest they had left behind (Mika/Theo) at first major battle as soldiers for opposing sides and are forced to part again progression, which isn't super unique but still very specific, and given everything else... yeah

This is by far not the first time an English work has copied a Japanese work and was praised for originality, but "gay trans YA novel rips off mediocre gay vampire shounen" has to be conceptually the funniest and yet there still seem to be 0 google results about it

[alicentsgf]

nothing is more subtle or more heartbreaking to me than alicent in the wedding feast scene. and half these shots dont even follow her, they follow viserys shes just in the background, (which just perfectly sums up the way alicent and her desires are stifled by viserys/his wants just btw)

so shes just watched whatever it was that was happening between daemon and rhaenyra. salt in a very fresh wound. and as far as i can work out was literally tearing up over it (if we look at the screenshot above). but then people are screaming and pushing and shoving and alicent instinctively gets up before anyone else at the table even does, still looking like shes about to cry the whole time, right up until the moment she realises its not just pushing and shoving - theres a fight happening exactly where rhaenyra was just a moment before, and suddenly her expression changes to this shot of her blatantly worrying about rhaenyra:

"but lydia, how do you know shes worried about rhaenyra? she could just be in shock at seeing the fight and concerned in general."

because its spelled out for us the next time we see her:

this shows us pretty obviously alicents only really interested in where rhaenyra is. this is a tv show, they don't show someone's reaction to something just for the sake of it and alicent is the only person we see react to rhaenyra being safe. she even appears to relax at the end, as if relieved.

this very clearly sets the stage for alicent's refusal to accept any physical harm to rhaenyra - so we can understand why she feels so much guilt and self-loathing over slicing open rhaenyra's arm, and why she is so adamant about protecting rhaenyra in episode 9 even after everything she and rhaenyra have put each other through. just as rhaenyra has a desire to reconcile with alicent she cant shake, reaching out for her even in moments when shes been given no reason to hope (like at the council in episode 6 and dinner in episode 8), alicent has this desperate need to make sure rhaenyra's safe, even at times when she has no intention of reconciling with her. even when shes at her most hostile, harbouring enough resentment to show up to rhaenyras wedding wearing a declaration of war, alicent still cant stomach the thought of rhaenyra being physically harmed. and it doesn't seem to be an aspect of her characterisation thats going anywhere anytime soon.

[hoshinasblade]

pairing: hoshina soshiro x reader // trigger warning: death (now i dont know if i should still make it as an x reader drabble because well, death)

try as he might, hoshina soshiro just couldn't think that meeting you was a mistake.

he was used to almost always getting the shorter end of the stick in life. though admittedly more privileged than the majority, hoshina will be a hypocrite if he says that he is the best at anything he likes doing - from a very young age he had reconciled in his mind the fact that he is forever going to arrive second in things: just the number two, never the one at the top. i will never be like my perfect older brother, he used to tell himself.

when you came to hoshina's life, he was still a rookie vice-captain who was trying to find his footing in leadership. he was not planning on being in a relationship at all - much less dating someone from the same institution - but love is a difficult opponent to win against, he supposes. and so he let himself fall for you - hard and fast and madly.

you asked him one time why he chose you, out of all the women and men who showed interest at him in and out of the defense force. "i guess it's cause i can be who i am when i'm with you. like i don't have to prove anything." because it's true - with you hoshina soshiro is neither the next in command of the third division nor he is the inferior brother - with you he is just hoshina soshiro, the man.

but being a man does not make anyone a savior. not at all.

there were no last words even as he rewinds the scene on his mind from years ago. he did not have the time to administer first aid anymore and probably at his subconscious he knew it would have been worthless anyway, so after a particularly violent kaiju had use its long, sharp claws to tear your suit and stab on your torso, hoshina watched you bleed to death. he barked orders - begged, even - for the medical team to hurry to your location, wishing and praying that time would stand still so that maybe you would have more moments with him before he loses you.

on your last breath you only smiled at him, cradled in his trembling arms.

when kafka said captain ashiro's first name despite the obvious implications, hoshina had an inkling of what is going on - he had a hunch that there is some history behind the two but he dared not ask. it was not his business, he should not care. but whenever he sees the cadet throw the commander a glimpse, hoshina's memories seem to unreel. he used to know how that feels - love.

"you shouldn't get too close to the rest of the other officers", he told kafka when hoshina caught him at 1 am still buried in books, studying. "in this line of work, something could happen to any one of them at anytime," he added before walking away, not bothering to wait for kafka to respond.

anyway apparently i have 500 followers now but i dont know what to do so i just drafted this short one while im waiting for sleep to come hehe, it's nothing much and i got the whole thing from literally two sentences said by this bowl cut man, hope you guys like it

[justice4gyeongsu]

━━━ 'CHAPTER NINE' [WHEN DAWN BREAKS]

SYNOPSIS ➢ music and forgiveness dont really go hand in hand as you'd expect.

PAIRING ➢ lee suhyeok x male!reader

AU ➢ enemies-to-lovers au!

CONTENT WARNING ➢ this chapter contains; flashbacks, near death experience, alot of angst, mentions of bullying, depression, some fluff, mentions of puking, reoccuring ptsd, exclusion, mentions of gore, blood, cannibalism [let me know if i missed any!]

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determination had fueled their attempt to break into the 'instrument room', but now, defeat settled in. daesu slumped against the unyielding door, his breath escaping in a frustrated sigh. "shit, it's no use." joonyeong's voice broke the silence, his stomach growling in protest. "i'm starving," he said, dropping into the chair beside daesu. the two groups sat in a face-off, a circle of chairs on either side of the room. namra positioned herself by the doors, ever vigilant, with suhyeok at her side. earlier, she had given him permission to intervene if necessary, but a reassuring word from you had eased her concerns. for now, everything was settling.

you crouched down, your eyes scanned the drawers beneath the chalkboard, searching for anything of value. your stomach growled, a gentle reminder of your hunger. you hoped to stumble upon something edible, but the first drawer revealed only a knotted mess of wires and extra outlet boxes. undeterred, you methodically explored each drawer, your fingers tracing the contours of the tangled cords, your mind focused on the task at hand. the silence was punctuated only by the soft creak of the drawers as you opened and closed them, your search fueled by a glimmer of hope.

suhyeok's gaze lingered on you, his eyes fixed from a short distance away. positioned strategically, he was close enough to offer assistance if needed, yet also within reach of namra, ready to intervene if the situation took a turn. his thoughts, however, drifted to a different time and place - the school hallways, where you had once been a fleeting presence, a whisper of a person, barely perceptible. your quiet nature had allowed you to blend into the shadows, your existence slowly fading from notice. but now, suhyeok's mind was consumed by the weight of a shared past, a dreadful day that had left an indelible mark. he couldn't help but wonder how he would ever find the courage to face you again, to reconcile the ghosts of your shared history.

as you took the smooth wires from the drawer, your gaze drifted to the right, drawn to namra's fixed stare on the door beside her. her intensity was noticeable, and you felt an inexplicable pang of unease. your eyes darted back to the wires, then returned to namra, your mind weighing a suggestion that instantly felt wrong. something about it seemed cruel, inhumane. sensing her awareness of your gaze, you quickly looked away, feeling a flush rise to your cheeks. instead, you tucked the wire into your pants pocket, thinking it might prove useful someday. the gesture was a distraction from the uncomfortable moment, a way to shift your focus away from the unspoken tension.

as you rummaged through the adjacent cupboard, a treasure trove of guitar picks and sheet music lay before you, a seemingly endless supply. suddenly, a presence materialized beside you, and you turned to find suhyeok squatting next to you, his arms crossed over his knees. his face was a mask of solemnity, his gaze piercing as he looked at you. for a moment, you locked eyes with him, drowning in the depths of his dark caramel irises. then, you broke away, your focus returning to the cupboard's contents as you continued to dig through the clutter, the silence between you thick with unspoken emotions.

suhyeok's eyes remained fixed on yours, his gaze burning with an unspoken desire to connect, to bridge the gap that had grown between you. he wanted to talk to you, to ask how you were, to know what you were thinking, but the words caught in his throat like dry leaves. his mind was a jumble of emotions, a tangled web of regret, concern, and longing. he shifted his weight, his eyes darting to the floor, then back to yours, searching for a spark, a hint of what to say. the silence stretched out, a canvas waiting to be filled with words, but suhyeok's brush remained poised, unsure of where to begin. he cleared his throat, a faint sound, a prelude to speech, but still, the words wouldn't come, frozen in his chest like winter's snow.

you pushed the cupboard door shut, the soft click echoing through the room, a punctuation mark to your fruitless search. standing up, you stretched your arms over your head, arching your back in a gentle stretch. as you turned to move on to the next cupboard, your path was blocked by suhyeok's crouched form. he remained frozen, his eyes still fixed on your prior form, his expression a mixture of longing and uncertainty. his position, though unintentional, was a physical manifestation of the emotional barrier between you. you hesitated, unsure of how to navigate this unexpected obstacle. suhyeok, sensing your pause, slowly rose to his feet, his movements slow but fluid. his eyes try to meet yours, his gaze a gentle plea for connection, for understanding. the air was thick with unspoken words, the silence, a breathing entity that pulsed with unease.

as suhyeok shifted out of the way, you continued your search, moving downwards to the next cupboard. the door creaked softly as you opened it, revealing a neatly stacked array of small boxes, each adorned with labels in precise handwriting. curiosity piqued, you began to remove the boxes one by one, placing them down beside you on either side, creating a small assembly line of mysterious containers. the labels read like an odd inventory: "winter songs", "forgotten songs", "popular melodies", and "drafts". the boxes themselves were brown, their lids closed with a tiny click. as you arranged them, the silence between you and suhyeok remained, but your focus on the task at hand created a sense of purpose, a distraction.

suhyeok squatted beside you once more, his movements quiet as he positioned himself closer than before. his eyes fixed on the boxes, and he began to pick them up one by one, examining their contents with an air of curiosity. you didn't acknowledge him, your focus still on the cupboard's depths, but you were aware of his proximity, his shoulder almost touching yours. as he delved into the boxes, a faint rustling sound filled the air, accompanied by the occasional soft whisper of surprise. meanwhile, your hand closed around something unexpected in the back of the drawer - a hammer, its handle worn, its head heavy with use. you pulled it out, the tool feeling solid in your grasp, a contrast to the delicate boxes and their mysterious contents. suhyeok's gaze remained fixed on the box in his hands, but you sensed his awareness of the hammer, his attention piqued by the unexpected discovery.

suhyeok's fingers unfolded the paper he found in the box labeled ‘drafts’, his eyes scanning the contents with a mix of curiosity and reverence. as he read, his expression transformed, a softness creeping into his features. the paper was a letter, but not just any letter - it was a song, the words dancing across the page in a harmony of apology and longing. music notes were scribbled in the margins, a melancholic melody that seemed to match the rhythm of suhyeok's heartbeat. his voice, barely above a whisper, began to recite the words, the lyrics pouring out like a gentle stream:

"in the silence, i hear your voice

a whispered sorrow, a heartfelt choice

to let go, to move on, to find

a way to heal, to leave the past behind"

as he read, the words seemed to take on a life of their own, filling the space between you with a sense of yearning. the apology was raw, honest, and beautiful, a poignant expression of regret and hope. suhyeok's eyes never left the paper, but you sensed his gaze reaching out to you, his heart speaking directly to yours. the hammer in your hand felt heavy, a tangible weight compared to the ethereal beauty of the song. the moment hung suspended, a delicate balance of emotions, as suhyeok's voice faded into the silence, leaving only the echoes of the apology.

you rose to your feet, your focus swiftly shifting away from suhyeok and the emotional intensity of the moment. the hammer, still clutched in your hand, seemed to grow heavier as you walked towards the desk, its surface a blur of wood and scattered papers. with a quiet thud, you placed the hammer down, the sound a punctuation mark to your deliberate dismissal of the tender moment. the desk's edge was cool beneath your fingertips, a stark contrast to the warmth of suhyeok's words, still lingering in the air like a gentle breeze. you didn't look back, your gaze fixed on some invisible point beyond the desk, as if willing yourself to move forward, to leave the vulnerability of the moment behind.

as you stood there, lost in thought, your gaze drifted upward, and you noticed jimin sitting in a corner of the room, her eyes fixed on a small video camera she had discovered. the camera's lens was pointed at her face, and she was speaking in a soft, introspective tone, as if sharing secrets with an old friend. her words were directed at the camera, but they seemed to be meant for whoever might find the video in the future. "to whoever is watching this," she began, her voice barely above a whisper, "i hope you're doing okay. i hope you're finding what you're looking for." she paused, collecting her thoughts before continuing. "i'm leaving this here in case...in case things don't work out. in case i'm not around to explain myself." her eyes dropped, her gaze falling to the floor as she struggled to find the right words. "i just want you to know that i tried. i tried to make things right, to fix what was broken." the camera captured every nuance of her expression, every tremble of her lip, as she spoke from the heart. you watched, transfixed, as jimin's words hung in the air, a message in a bottle, cast into the unknown.

jimin's eyes flashed with a hint of determination, her voice taking on a slightly harder edge as she continued speaking to the camera. "if you're watching this, and you're one of those who left us here...who abandoned us without looking back..." her words trailed off, as if she was collecting her thoughts, choosing them carefully. "i want you to know that i remember. we all remember. and i hope...i hope that someday, somehow, you'll face the consequences of what you did." her gaze seemed to bore into the lens, as if she could see the faces of those who had wronged her and the others. "punish them," she whispered, her voice dripping with a quiet intensity. "punish them for leaving us to rot in this place. punish them for not coming back for us." the camera captured the raw emotion on her face, the pain and the anger, as she spoke words that seemed to be torn from the very depths of her soul.

while jimin's words faded away, hroryeong gently took the video camera from her hand, her eyes filled with a deep sadness. she turned the camera towards herself, the lens focusing on her face as she began to speak in a soft, trembling voice. "mom...dad..." she whispered, as if the camera was a portal to the past, a way to reach the parents she had lost. "i'm sorry...i'm so sorry..." tears began to well up in her eyes, her voice cracking with emotion as she spoke to the camera as if it were her parents. "i remember the way you used to smile at me...the way you used to hold my hand. i remember everything." her gaze dropped, her eyes fixed on some point beyond the camera, lost in memories. "i wish you were here...i wish you could see me now. i wish you could tell me everything is going to be okay." the camera captured every tear, every quiver of her lip, as hroryeong poured out her heart to the absent parents, her words a poignant expression of love, loss, and longing.

you couldn't bear to watch anymore, the emotions raw and overwhelming. you turned away from the group, your gaze falling upon the last drawer, still unopened. your hand reached out, almost mechanically, and pulled it open. the contents were shrouded in darkness, a mystery waiting to be uncovered. as you peered into the drawer, the sounds of the group's confessions, their last words to the world, faded into the background. you felt a sense of detachment, as if you were observing yourself from afar, going through the motions. the drawer's interior revealed a blank empty cupboard. staring at it in defeat, you sigh and stand up with a small curse, “shit.”

you stood there, lost in thought, until suhyeok approached you once more, his footsteps quiet on the dusty floor. he stood beside you, his eyes fixed on the empty drawer, before turning to face you. his gaze was soft, his voice barely above a whisper, as he finally spoke to you. "i'm sorry," he said, his words simple, yet profound. "i'm sorry for not being able to save you." his eyes searched yours, as if seeking forgiveness, understanding. the air between you seemed to vibrate with tension, the weight of unspoken emotions, as suhyeok's words hung in the balance, waiting for your response.

suhyeok's voice cut through the silence, his words a gentle plea. "i need you to understand," he said, his tone soft, yet urgent. "i know i made a mistake. i know i let you down." he took a step forward, his eyes locked on yours, searching for a glimmer of forgiveness. "i was scared, ...but that's no excuse." his voice cracked, a hint of emotion seeping through. you scoff, “you were scared, huh?” you look away. "i should have been stronger, i should have been there for you." he paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "i know i can't undo what's been done...but i need you to know that i regret it. i regret not being able to protect you." his words hung in the air, a heartfelt confession, a desperate attempt to bridge the gap between you. the silence that followed was heavy with tension, as if the very fate of your relationship hung in the balance, waiting for your response.

you shook your head, a slow, deliberate motion, as if trying to clear the words from your mind. "stop," you said, your voice firm, but barely above a whisper. "just stop." you raised a hand, a clear gesture of dismissal, as if trying to physically push the words away. "i can't forgive you," you said, the words tumbling out, a harsh truth. "i don't know if i ever can." suhyeok's face fell, his eyes dropping to the floor, as if the weight of your words was crushing him. "look its..," he whispered, but you cut him off. "stop talking," you said, your voice rising, a hint of anger creeping in. "just stop. i don't want to hear it." the silence that followed was oppressive, a heavy blanket that suffocated the room, leaving only the echoes of your words, a stark reminder of the chasm between you.

as you and suhyeok stood there, locked in a tense moment, neither of you noticed namra staring by the doorway, watching you both with an intent gaze. she was a silent witness to the emotional exchange, her expression unreadable. you and suhyeok were too caught up in your own emotions to notice her looking there, frozen in silence.

onjo appeared beside you, her gentle smile a stark contrast to the tension that had filled the room just moments before. she held out the camcorder, its lens still warm from onjo’s earlier confession. "here," she said softly, her eyes locked on yours. "i think it's your turn." her voice was a gentle invitation, a nod to the unspoken understanding that each of you had a story to tell, a truth to reveal. the camcorder seemed to hover in mid-air, a symbol of the trust and vulnerability that had been shared among you. you felt a sense of trepidation, a hesitation to bare your soul, but onjo's gentle smile reassured you, encouraged you to take the next step. the camera seemed to wait, patiently, for your story, your truth.

you sat next to the open window, the warm sunlight spilling in, casting a gentle glow on the room. the camcorder felt heavy in your hands, its weight a reminder of the responsibility that came with sharing your truth. you fiddled with the camera, your mind racing with thoughts of what to say, or if you should say anything at all. the silence was oppressive, a physical presence that pressed upon your skin, making your heart feel heavy. you looked out the window, watching as the sunlight danced through the leaves of the trees, wondering if you had the courage to reveal your own story. the others had shared their truths, their confessions, their regrets...but could you do the same? the camera seemed to stare back at you, its lens a constant reminder that this was your moment, your chance to speak. but the words wouldn't come, and you were left sitting there, frozen in uncertainty.

you took a deep breath, your finger hovering over the record button. you glanced around the room, ensuring no one was watching, before pressing the button and holding the camera up to your face. your voice was barely above a whisper as you began to speak. "hello, to whoever finds this. you may not know me, my name is..." you paused, a slight hesitation before continuing. "y/n l/n." the words felt strange on your lips, a formal introduction to an unknown audience. you took another deep breath, your eyes drifting out the window as you continued. "i'm not sure where to start, or what to say. i'm not even sure why i'm doing this." the camera's lens seemed to bore into your soul, as if urging you to reveal more. you hesitated, your thoughts racing, before finding the courage to continue. "i guess i just want to leave something behind, something true." the words felt fragile, vulnerable, but you pressed on, the camera's gentle hum a reminder that you were sharing your story, your truth.

your voice remained soft, but a hint of vulnerability crept in as you continued. "i'm the son of a mother who suddenly vanished..who couldn't bare to live the life that she had. i barely have any memories of her." the words felt like a confession, a revelation of a pain you'd long carried. "i remember pieces of her...a smile, a laugh, a warm embrace...but they're fading, like a dream i can't hold onto." you paused, collecting your thoughts before speaking again. "and i'm the son of a father who was consumed by debt...who thought staying down was needed to survive." a hint of bitterness seeped into your tone, a resentment towards the circumstances that had shaped your life. "he just let it happen, let them take everything from us." your eyes dropped, as if the weight of those memories was too much to bear. "i grew up with nothing...no stability, no security...just a constant sense of uncertainty." the camera's lens seemed to hold your gaze, as if urging you to confront the pain head-on. you took a deep breath, the words still flowing, like a river finally undammed.

your voice cracked slightly as you continued, the memories still raw. "i was a victim of bullies...relentless, merciless...they saw my weakness and pounced." your eyes flashed with a hint of defiance. "but i fought back...many times...i refused to stay a victim." despite the bravado, your tone betrayed a hint of sadness. "but it didn't matter...i was still an outcast...still alone." the words hung in the air, a poignant reminder of the pain and isolation you'd endured. "i tried to fit in...to be like them...but i couldn't...i wouldn't." your gaze dropped, as if the shame of those memories still lingered. "i was a ghost in my own life...invisible, insignificant...." the camera's lens seemed to hold your gaze, a silent witness to the anguish you'd faced. you took a deep breath, the words still flowing, a cathartic release of the pain and hurt.

"no one will help you but yourself," you said, a fierce determination etched in your voice. "i'm the only one who showed up for me every single day that i woke up...i was there for me when i felt like this life was no longer worth living." your eyes shone with a quiet strength. "i was my own savior, my own caretaker...i learned to love myself, even when the ones i wanted couldn't." a hint of sorrow lingered, but it was tempered by a sense of triumph. "i learned to fight for myself, to the very end...to hold on to hope, even when it seemed like a distant dream." your gaze locked onto the camera, a fierce intensity burning within. "i am my own hero, my own refuge...i will not wait for someone else to save me, because i know that i am enough." the words hung in the air, a powerful declaration of self-love and resilience. "i will fight for myself, every day...and i will love myself, even if it's the only love i ever know."

a single tear fell, rolling down your cheek as you spoke, your voice trembling with emotion. "i will never be a victim again," you whispered, the words a solemn vow. "even before this outbreak, i was a survivor..” you trail off, “and i will continue to be for the ones that couldn't be.” you slowly reached out and pressed the stop button on the camera, the recording coming to an end. your gaze lingered on the device for a moment, as if ensuring the words were truly captured. then, with a solemn expression, you turned away from the camera and looked out the window. the sunlight streaming in seemed to fade into the background as your eyes drifted off, lost in thought. your face reflected a mix of emotions - determination, sadness, and a hint of hope.

you felt a gentle touch on your shoulder, a soft pressure that seemed to convey a sense of understanding. you knew it was namra without looking, recognizing the thin, long fingers that rested on your shoulder. you didn't turn to face her, instead, you simply raised the camera, offering it to her. the hand on your shoulder hesitated for a moment before namra slowly took the camera from you. her fingers brushed against yours, a fleeting touch that seemed to convey a sense of solidarity. without a word, namra turned and walked back to her chair by the classroom doors, the camera clutched in her hand. you watched her go, still gazing out the window, lost in thought. the silence between you was palpable, yet somehow, it felt less heavy, as if sharing your story had created a sense of connection, a sense of understanding. namra's presence seemed to linger, even as she returned to her seat, a quiet witness to the emotions that still swirled within you.

suhyeok's gaze lingered on your tired figure, his eyes filled with concern. he seemed to debate whether to walk over to you again, to offer some semblance of comfort. he couldn't hear anything you said to the camera which made him curious. but before he could make a move, namra's sudden action caught his attention. she quickly walked towards the long red curtains that kept out the zombies, her movements swift and purposeful. suhyeok's curiosity got the better of him, and he followed her, his footsteps quiet on the floor. as he approached, namra turned to him, her eyes wide with a mix of fear and urgency. "i can hear something," she whispered, her voice barely audible. suhyeok's brow furrowed, his head cocked to the side as he listened intently.

the others quickly got up from their seats, their faces filled with concern, and walked towards namra, who stood frozen by the curtains. onjo approached you, her brow furrowed with worry, and asked, "are you okay?" her voice broke through your reverie, and you turned to her, still trying to process what was happening. you stood up, your movements slow, and followed the others towards namra. as you approached, namra turned to the group, her eyes wide with alarm.

"i think i hear someone...puking," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. the group exchanged uneasy glances, their faces filled with a mix of fear and confusion. suhyeok took a step forward, his hand on the curtain, as if ready to pull it back. "what do you mean?" he asked, his voice low and cautious. namra's grip on the curtain tightened. "i don't know, it sounds like...retching, gagging..." the group fell silent, their ears straining to pick up the sound. but nothing occured.

namra's eyes darted around the room, her gaze sweeping across the space as if searching for something. her expression was tense, her brow furrowed in concern. "guys, i think we should leave," she said suddenly, her voice low and urgent. "this room feels...weird." she hesitated, as if trying to find the right words.

cheongsan halted, his hand on the door handle, and turned to face the group. "we can't just leave," he said, his voice firm. "we need to figure out what's going on." daesu groaned, throwing up his hands. "this is all because we didn't head to the roof when we had the chance...when the music was playing." onjo's eyes lit up with a sudden idea. "we do have music," she said, a sly smile spreading across her face. she turned to namra, who still clutched the camcorder. "namra, can you play back the recording?" namra looked confused, but onjo continued, her excitement growing. "we can use the music to lure them in...build a tall barricade and funnel them into a trap." the group stared at her, unsure of what to make of her plan.

onjo's voice was filled with determination as she outlined her plan. "once all of them come in through these doors," she said, pointing to the left doors, "we can make a run for the backdoors and head to the roof." her eyes locked onto yours, her gaze intense. "every infected person will be in the room on this floor...we have to make it to the roof once theyre all in." she paused, her chest heaving with excitement. "we can do it." you nodded, a surge of adrenaline coursing through your veins. the plan was risky, but it was their best chance of escape. suhyeok and daesu nodded in agreement, their faces set with determination. namra and cheongsan exchanged a nervous glance, but they too nodded, ready to put their trust in onjo's plan. with a deep breath, the group steeled themselves for what was to come. they knew it wouldn't be easy, but they were ready to fight for their survival.

with a sense of purpose, the group sprang into action, beginning to set up the barricade. suhyeok and daesu started dragging heavy tables and chairs towards the left doors, their faces straining with effort. namra and cheongsan worked together, piling up stacks of books and furniture to reinforce the barricade. onjo directed the operation, her eyes darting back and forth to ensure everything was in place. you joined in, helping to secure the barricade with ropes and weights. as you worked, the retching sounds grew louder, more insistent, and the group's sense of urgency increased. they knew they had to be ready before the infected broke through the doors. sweat dripped down your faces, and muscles ached, but no one complained. they were driven by a shared determination to survive. finally, the barricade was in place, a sturdy wall of furniture and debris blocking the left doors. onjo stepped back, her eyes scanning the barricade, a nod of satisfaction on her face. "it's ready," she said, her voice firm. "let's get into position." the group moved to the backdoors, their hearts racing with anticipation. they knew what was coming.

cheongsan volunteered to stay behind, his voice firm. "someone has to open the door on the other side to let them in." suhyeok hesitated for a moment before jumping back over to join him. "i'll go with you," he said, his eyes locked on cheongsan's. the two of them positioned themselves by the barricade, ready to open the doors and lure the zombies in.

meanwhile, you and horyeong worked together to secure the chairs with rope, your hands moving in tandem. "you're brave," horyeong said suddenly, her voice soft. your gaze dropped down to hers, your eyes questioning. "what did you say?" you asked, your voice low. horyeong's face flushed pink as she looked up at you, her eyes shining with sincerity. "you're brave...and i hope you know that." she finished tying the knot, her hands moving quickly. you blinked, your ears heating up with shock, as you processed her words. no one had ever called you brave before. you didn't know how to respond, your mind racing. “um, well-i-yeah-.. im..” you stammer. she only looks at you and laughs, “you're welcome.”

meanwhile, cheongsan and suhyeok were engaged in a hushed conversation, their voices barely audible over the creaking of the barricade. cheongsan's eyes narrowed, his expression puzzled. "what did you just say?" he asked, his tone laced with curiosity. suhyeok's response was a low, throaty laugh, his eyes glinting with amusement. "i said i like someone else," he repeated, his smirk growing wider. "you don't need to worry about me and onjo. so treat her right, and not like a guy, moron." cheongsan's stare intensified, his gaze boring into suhyeok's. "who is it?" he pressed, his voice low and urgent. suhyeok's hesitated, his eyes darting towards you before snapping back to cheongsan. the same fear that had gripped him when myungwhan's arm had wrapped around his shoulders, while you were being assaulted, threatened to overwhelm him. he couldn't bring himself to say it, his voice caught in his throat. instead, he looked back at you, his gaze lingering on the glimpses of you he could see through the cracks between the chairs. "i'll tell you later," suhyeok said finally, his smile strained, his eyes betraying a mix of emotions.

suhyeok playfully elbowed cheongsan, gesturing for him to get back behind the barricade. "go, go!" he whispered urgently. cheongsan nodded and scurried back to safety. suhyeok took a deep breath, grasped the door handle, and slid it open. he didn't hesitate, dashing forward and using the wall to propel himself back behind the barricade. the zombies tumbled into the room, their feet tangling in the chairs set on the ground, causing them to trip and stumble. joonyeong, positioned by the camcorder, grinned mischievously as he pressed play. the loud music blared to life, echoing off the walls and drawing in more zombies. they shambled towards the sound, their moans growing louder, more insistent. the group held their breath as the zombies poured into the room, their numbers swelling. the barricade creaked and groaned under the pressure, but held firm. suhyeok landed hard on the floor, his chest heaving, and grinned at cheongsan. "that was close," he whispered. cheongsan nodded, his eyes fixed on the horde beyond the barricade. "too close."

the group strained against the barricade, their muscles trembling with effort, as the zombies pushed and clawed at the makeshift barrier. joonyeong, meanwhile, continued to turn up the volume, the music growing louder and more intense, drawing even more zombies into the room. onjo darted between the windows, peeking through the curtains to check the hallways. each time, she shook her head, her expression grim. "still too many out there," she whispered to suhyeok, who nodded curtly, his eyes fixed on the barricade. cheongsan, you, and daesu were pressed against the barrier, their faces set in determined lines, as they struggled to hold it in place. namra and horyeong were positioned at the edges, their eyes scanning the room for any signs of weakness. the zombies continued to pour in, their numbers seemingly endless, as the music reached a deafening crescendo. the barricade creaked and groaned, threatening to collapse at any moment, but the group held firm, their lives depending on it. onjo checked the windows again, her heart sinking as she saw the hallway was still filled with zombies. "we can't stay here," she whispered urgently. "we need to be louder, daesu!"

daesu's face turned red with rage as he shouted at the top of his lungs, "die zombies, fucking die!" his voice echoed off the walls, drowning out the music for a moment. the zombies, already frenzied, became even more agitated, their moans growing louder, more urgent. they pressed against the barricade with renewed strength, causing it to slide further towards daesu's side of the room. the group stumbled backward, their feet scraping against the floor as they struggled to maintain their position. the barricade creaked ominously, its stability precarious. "daesu, again!" onjo yelled, her voice panicked. "one more time!" daesu continued to shout, his voice hoarse, his eyes blazing with fury. the zombies kept coming, their numbers seemingly endless, as the barricade shrank, trapping the group in an increasingly smaller space.

the others, not holding the barricade, grabbed whatever instruments they could find - guitars, drums, maracas - and began playing them with reckless abandon. the loud sounds were ear-piercing, a chaotic mix of clashing notes and rhythms that grated on the nerves. namra was banging away on a drum set, her face contorted in a mixture of fear and determination. hroryeong was strumming a guitar with wild, slashing motions, the strings squealing in protest. joonyeong was shaking a pair of maracas with a frenzied intensity, the beads rattling out a maddening beat. the music was a far cry from the harmonious melodies they had played earlier, now it was a jarring, discordant noise designed to attract every zombie within earshot. and it worked. more and more zombies stumbled into the room, drawn by the cacophony, their eyes fixed on the group with a hungry gleam. the barricade creaked and groaned, the group's position becoming increasingly precarious. but they didn't stop playing, their faces set in grim determination, as they fought to survive.

your arm began to ache, a burning sensation spreading from your shoulder to your wrist, as you strained against the barricade. you gritted your teeth, pouring all your strength into holding it back. the zombies pushed and clawed, their relentless pressure threatening to overwhelm you. sweat dripped from your brow, stinging your eyes, as you dug deep, finding reserves of strength you didn't know you had. your legs trembled, your back screamed in protest, but you refused to yield. the barricade creaked, groaned, and shuddered, but you held firm, your arm a rigid bar of muscle and bone. the others played on, their music a wild, savage counterpoint to the zombies' moans, as they fought to keep the horde at bay. but you knew it couldn't last. the barricade was weakening, the zombies too numerous, too strong. you felt it slipping, inch by inch, the weight crushing down on you like a physical force. your vision blurred, your breath came in ragged gasps, but still you pushed, your arm screaming in agony, as the barricade teetered on the brink of collapse.

cheongsan's voice cut through the din, "wujin, now! we need to go, now!" but wujin, still gazing out the window, shook his head, his expression grim. "we can't go yet! not yet!" he shouted back, his voice laced with urgency. cheongsan's eyes widened in alarm, "what do you mean? we can't hold this much longer!" wujin's gaze remained fixed on something outside, his jaw clenched. "there's too many out there...we'll never make it...just a little longer, please!" the barricade shuddered, the zombies' pressure intensifying, as if sensing their prey's desperation. the group's cries of exertion grew louder, their faces contorted in effort, as they fought to maintain their position. suhyeok's eyes darted to wujin, then back to the barricade, his mind racing with the implications. "what's out there, wujin? what are you seeing?" but wujin just shook his head, his voice barely audible over the chaos. "just...hold...on..."

"it's gonna fall!" you shouted, your voice hoarse from exertion, as the barricade creaked ominously. you winced in pain, your shoulder aching despite using the other one to push. the strain was taking its toll on your body, but you refused to yield. everyone was fighting, pushing, and shoving, desperate to keep the zombies at bay. in the midst of the chaos, your gaze met suhyeok's, and for a fleeting moment, you locked eyes. it was as if time stood still, and all that existed was the two of you, connected in a shared struggle for survival. the eye contact seemed to inject new energy into your weary muscles, and you pushed harder, fueled by a renewed sense of determination. suhyeok's expression mirrored yours, his eyes burning with a fierce resolve. together, you fought on, your movements synchronized, as if driven by a single heartbeat. the barricade groaned, the zombies clawed, but you stood firm, united in your defiance. in that instant, you knew you could face anything, as long as you had each other.

"clear! we have to go now!" wujin yelled, his voice piercing the chaos, as he slid open the door to reveal an empty hallway. the sudden reprieve sparked a frantic scramble for escape. one by one, the group members abandoned their stations and sprinted towards the door. you glanced at daesu, who gestured urgently, "go already!" you nodded and took off, your heart racing, as you dashed towards the door. looking back, you saw cheongsan hesitating, then turning to run back to daesu. he grabbed daesu's arm, pulling him along, as they both sprinted towards the door. they were the last two to leave, and as they reached the threshold, the barricade behind them gave a final, ominous creak before collapsing under the crushing weight of the infected horde. the sound of shattering wood and screams filled the air, but you didn't look back. you kept running, your eyes fixed on wujin, who was leading the group down the hallway, their footsteps echoing off the walls. you knew you had to keep moving, to find a safe haven before the zombies overwhelmed you once more.

you ran side by side with joonyeong, your feet pounding the floor in unison, as you both stayed tucked in the middle of the group. the girls - namra, horyeong, jimin and onjo - flanked you, their faces set in determined lines, their breathing ragged. wujin and cheongsan led the charge, their long strides eating up the distance, as they navigated the twisting hallways. daesu and suhyeok brought up the rear, their eyes scanning the surroundings, ready to defend against any stragglers. you heaved, your lungs burning, as you struggled to keep pace. the group's formation was tight, a cohesive unit, as you all fought to escape the zombie-infested school. the hallways blurred together, a never-ending maze, but wujin's lead kept you moving forward. sudden turns and sharp corners made your stomach lurch, but joonyeong's presence beside you was a steady comfort. you glanced over, meeting his gaze, and saw a flicker of fear, quickly replaced by a determined glint. you nodded, and he nodded back, your bond forged in the heat of survival.

you all thundered up the first staircase you saw, your footsteps echoing off the walls. wujin led the charge, his eyes fixed on the top, as you ascended higher and higher. at each landing, you turned right, following a zigzagging path through the school's upper floors. your one-armed gait made balance a constant struggle, but joonyeong stayed glued to your side, offering a steadying hand whenever you stumbled. his support was a lifeline, helping you navigate the treacherous stairs without falling behind. the others pushed on, their breathing growing more labored with each floor. daesu and suhyeok still brought up the rear, their eyes scanning the stairs below, ready to defend against any zombies that might appear. as you climbed, the sounds of chaos and destruction grew fainter, replaced by the creaking of the old school's wooden framework and the group's ragged gasps. finally, you reached the top floor, the stairs ending at a door marked "roof access".

the door to the roof access loomed before you, its metal surface gleaming in the dim light. wujin grasped the handle, pushing and pulling with all his might, but it wouldn't budge. cheongsan joined him, their combined strength straining against the unyielding door. but it remained stubbornly shut, the lock unyielding. the group's collective anxiety grew, their impatient whispers and shifting feet echoing through the corridor. "come on, come on!" daesu urged, his voice low and urgent. "we can't stay here!" suhyeok added, his eyes scanning the stairs below, as if expecting a zombie horde to appear at any moment. joonyeong stayed close to you, her hand on your arm, her gaze fixed on the door. "what's wrong?" namra asked, her voice trembling. "why won't it open?" wujin stepped back, his face grimy with sweat, and examined the lock.

daesu, frustration etched on his face, growled, "move!" and positioned himself before the door. he took a few steps back, then launched himself at the door, shoulder first. the impact was loud, but the door held firm, barely budging. daesu recoiled, wincing in pain, his shoulder likely bruised. cheongsan, meanwhile, had moved to the side, where a keypad was mounted. he studied it for a moment, then began entering a password. the keypad beeped, and a flashing red light signaled "incorrect". cheongsan's face contorted in anger, he punched the keypad with a curse, "come on, shit!" the group's anxiety spiked, their eyes darting between the door, the keypad, and the stairs below, where the zombies could appear at any moment. "try again!" wujin urged, his voice low and urgent. cheongsan's fingers flew across the keypad, entering another sequence. the beep sounded once more, followed by the same flashing red light. "no, no, no!" cheongsan shouted, his fist clenched in frustration. hroryeong’s grip on your arm tightened, her eyes wide with fear. "what if we can't get out?" she whispered.

joonyeong pushed daesu aside and began pounding on the door, his fists making loud thuds. "is anyone there? anyone?" he shouted, his voice hoarse from screaming. he banged the door again, desperation etched on his face. you remembered the hammer in your pocket, the one you'd saved from the music room. "joonyeong!" you called out, tossing him the hammer. he caught it mid-air, his eyes flashing with determination. she began hammering the metal door handles, trying to break them off. the clangs echoed through the corridor, accompanied by joonyeong's grunts of effort. you glanced down the staircase, still seeing no signs of zombies. but you knew that could change any moment.

namra's eyes locked onto yours, her expression grim. "they're coming, a bunch of them," she whispered, her head cocked to the side, as if listening to a distant sound. you strained your ears, but heard nothing. yet, you trusted namra's instincts over your own. you hurried to cheongsan, who was still trying to hack the keypad. "cheongsan, namra says a horde is coming," you warned him.

he nodded curtly, not looking up, and motioned to suhyeok. the two of them positioned themselves at the top of the staircase, eyes fixed on the floor below, waiting for any zombies to emerge. meanwhile, joonyeong continued to hammer at the door handles, but soon groaned, his hand hurting from the reverberation. wujin took over, his face set in determination, and continued to strike the same handle. slowly but surely, it began to loosen, the metal creaking in protest. a faint crack appeared in the door, and you knew they were making progress. the sound of wujin's hammering echoed through the corridor, a rhythmic clang that seemed to match the pounding of your heart. suddenly, suhyeok's voice cut through the din, "wait, do you hear that?" he whispered, his eyes fixed on the staircase below.

the sound of zombies crawling and tripping up the staircase grew louder, their moans and snarls filling the air. suhyeok and cheongsan stood firm, using a thick wooden art placer and a metal tripod to push back against the horde. the wooden placard cracked and splintered, but held firm, as they desperately tried to hold off the zombies. "fuck, it's not opening?" you cursed, glancing back at wujin, who shook his head, his face grim. the hammering had stopped, and the crack in the door seemed to have reached a plateau. panic began to set in, as the reality of your situation sank in. you were trapped, with no clear escape route. the zombies would soon overwhelm suhyeok and cheongsan, and then you'd all be doomed. jimin’s eyes met yours, wide with fear, as she whispered, "what do we do?" namra's voice trembled, "we can't stay here..." horyeong and onjo clung to each other, their faces pale. the group's cohesion began to fray, as desperation took hold. wujin's gaze darted around, searching for an alternative, but there was none. you were running out of time, and options.

namra tapped you on the shoulder, her eyes locked on yours, and pointed to a huge blue tarp next to her. you quickly grabbed it, understanding her plan. "everyone, help!" namra shouted, as she began to unfold the tarp. "we need to cover the balcony, block the zombies from coming up!" the group sprang into action, grabbing the tarp's edges and rushing to the balcony. you heaved the tarp over the railing, and the others helped to spread it out, covering the stairs below. the zombies, undeterred, continued to climb, but the tarp blocked their ascent, trapping them below. the group breathed a collective sigh of relief, but knew it was only a temporary solution. the tarp wouldn't hold forever, and you still needed to find a way out. wujin turned back to the door, hammer in hand, and resumed his efforts to break through. joonyeong joined him, and together they hammered away, trying to widen the crack. suhyeok and cheongsan stood guard, ready to defend against any zombies that might breach the tarp. you looked around, assessing your situation, and knew you had to keep moving. the roof was still your best bet, but you needed to get through that door.

just as you thought the tarp would hold, a figure emerged from behind it. gwinam, his eye bloody and swollen, walked calmly past the zombies, who didn't even flinch in his presence. his gaze was fixed on the group, and his expression sent shivers down your spine. it was almost...evil. the group exchanged nervous glances, unsure what to make of gwinam's sudden appearance.

gwinam's evil smile fixed on cheongsan, who stood frozen, tripod still clutched in his hand. cheongsan, trying to protect himself, swung the tripod at gwinam, but it was like hitting a brick wall. gwinam didn't flinch, didn't even acknowledge the blow. your mind racing, memories of gwinam's torture in school came flooding back. you were that terrified kid again, unable to move or escape. onjo's shout broke the spell, "keep holding the tarp!" you snapped back to reality, but your body trembled with fear. gwinam's grip on cheongsan tightened, his smile growing wider. "give me your eye, yeah?" his words made your blood run cold. namra, however, sprang into action. with a strength that belied her slender frame, she grabbed gwinam by the throat, holding him over the ledge. gwinam's eyes widened in surprise, his grip on cheongsan faltering. namra's gaze burned with intensity as she gritted out, "why don't you just die?" and with a swift motion, she threw gwinam down the staircase. the tarp, still clutched by the group, was dragged down with him, leaving you all exposed once more. the zombies, now free to climb, began to pour up the stairs, their moans growing louder.

onjo's yell cut through the chaos, "we got the door open! come on!" the group sprinted towards the doorway, desperate for escape. as you emerged into the bright sunlight, you felt a sense of hope. but, you didn't forget your friends still fighting off zombies. you turned back, seeing suhyeok and cheongsan struggling to hold off the horde. "guys, come on!" you shouted, rushing back to help. you grabbed cheongsan's arm, pushing him towards the door. "go, go, go!" suhyeok followed close behind, zombies mere steps behind. wujin and joonyeong helped pull them to safety, as namra and hroryeong stood guard, ready to defend against any stragglers. finally, everyone was through the doorway, gasping for breath. you looked around, taking in the rooftop's expanse. the sun shone brightly overhead, a welcome change from the darkness below. but, you knew the zombies could still follow. you needed a new plan, and fast. "we need to find a way down," wujin said, echoing your thoughts. "or a way to block the door," suhyeok added, still catching his breath. the group began to brainstorm, desperate to survive.

the door creaked and groaned, but suhyeok and cheongsan held firm, their faces strained with effort. you gazed up at the helicopter, its rotors whipping the air into a frenzy. the wind stung your eyes, making it hard to keep them open. but then, you saw him. cheolsu, the one person you forgot about. he sat in the helicopter, looking down at you with a mixture of guilt and relief. your mind reeled as you whispered, "what...?" cheolsu's eyes met yours for a brief moment, before he looked away, closing his eyes in comfort. the betrayal cut deep, a second knife to the back. you felt like you'd been punched in the gut, all the air sucked out of you. how could he? why was he there, safe and sound, while you fought for your life? the questions swirled, but the answers remained elusive. the helicopter began to lift off, leaving you and your friends to fend for yourselves. you watched, numb, as cheolsu disappeared into the distance, leaving you to face the undead hordes alone.

suhyeok sprinted alongside the helicopter, waving their arms and yelling, but it was too late. the helicopter vanished into the distance, leaving you all behind. you took suhyeok's spot, holding the door with cheongsan, feeling the undead pounding against it. for a moment, you thought. then, you remembered the wires in your pocket. "wait," you said, digging into your pocket and producing the wires. you handed them to cheongsan, who quickly got to work. he tied the wires to the door knobs, securing them with a sturdy knot. "okay!" he exclaimed, slowly lifting his weight off the door. you did the same, and to your relief, the door held firm. the zombies on the other side continued to pound and moan, but the makeshift barricade kept them at bay. for now, you were safe. cheongsan let out a sigh of relief, and you shared a nod of triumph. but, you knew it was only temporary. you needed a new plan, and fast. the group gathered around, looking at you for guidance. "what's next?" wujin asked, his eyes scanning the rooftop. you took a deep breath, thinking. the city stretched out before you, a vast expanse of unknown dangers. but, you had to keep moving. "we need to find another way down," you said, "and fast."

the helicopter vanished into the distance, leaving you all behind. hroryeong's sobs echoed through the rooftop, a heartbreaking sound. cheongsan, exhausted, collapsed to the ground, his chest heaving. you knelt beside him, concern etched on your face. "hey, it's okay. take deep breaths," you said, patting his legs to prevent cramping. cheongsan nodded, still panting, as you sat beside him. you took a moment to catch your own breath, feeling the weight of your situation. all you wanted was to go home, to shower, to sleep in your own bed. but that was a luxury you couldn't afford. not now, not yet. you were stuck on this rooftop, trapped with your peers, surrounded by the undead. the reality was crushing.

but for now, you just sat, trying to gather your strength, trying to process everything that had happened. the silence was broken only by hroryeong's sobs and cheongsan's heavy breathing.

you and cheongsan exchanged a nervous glance as the door began banging hard, the sound echoing across the rooftop. you knew it was gwinam, trying to get in. the metal doors shuddered under the impact, but held firm. for now. everyone gathered around, watching in silence as the door continued to shake. one burst, two, three... but after the fourth, the banging stopped. an unsettling quiet fell over the rooftop. you waited, expecting another burst, but nothing came. the silence was oppressive, heavy with tension. "what's going on?" wujin whispered, eyes fixed on the door. "is he...?" joonyeong trailed off, his voice barely audible.

you shook your head, unsure. cheongsan slowly got to his feet, his eyes locked on the door. "i don't know, but we need to be ready." suhyeok nodded, positioning themselves beside cheongsan. the group formed a semi-circle around the door, waiting, watching. the quiet stretched out, punctuated only by horyeong's sniffling. you held your breath, bracing for what might come next.

namra's voice broke the silence, her words barely above a whisper. "he's gone." suhyeok turned to her, confusion etched on their face. "who's gone?" but namra's gaze was fixed intently on the door, her head cocked to one side, as if listening for something. "gwinam," she said, her voice firm, confirming what everyone was thinking. the group exchanged nervous glances, unsure what to make of namra's declaration. cheongsan took a step forward, his eyes locked on the door. "are you sure?" he asked, his voice low. namra nodded, her eyes still fixed on the door. "yes, i'm sure. he's not trying to get in anymore." the silence that followed was oppressive, heavy with uncertainty. what did it mean? had gwinam given up? or was he planning something else? you couldn't shake the feeling that you were all just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[redsaurrce]

LOVE SHOT -DOSE 3 <Kiss me here>

synopsis 💉 Where jk becomes the part of an experiment where he wasn't supposed to take the love shot but ends up taking it in high dose and gets obsessed with yn by mistake

pairing 💉 YANDERE Scientist!jeon jungkook x Scientist!fem reader

genre 💉 scientist!au , smut (minors DNI)

word count 💉 3K

warnings 💉 - kissing, profanity, jungkook is horny AF, cumming, fingering, boobplay, nippleplay, neck biting & kissing, manipulative man in da household y'all

DOSE 2

taglist 💉 @aajjks @effielumiere @dearsullix @canarystwin @yourslut16 @imwithurmother @perfectlyfangirling @pnibts @bloodline1632 @hopeonysus @roundedreluv12 @jub-jub @maqsxi @kooscameras @jungkooksleftbigtoe13 @thatblena @yawnyanii @viridiphile @milkxgukk @outro-kook @puppiliciouslove @mata0-0mata @pk-jimin @jungchanie @ziraspells @twisted-loved @lunaofsun @inlovewithallmusic @sassyfoxunknown @teugiie @hsaranghoe @jjhmk @mryuyux @xxoverthinkerxx @fandems @hollyverday @ohmygodddsblog @fly-on-the-wall @lookformyvoice @slutforwwh @shakashakaa @meikoo @emochicksasukeee @dearly-somber

@mymomsaid-no @madnesstaking0ver @miyoung23 @outofst1le @jiminstreble @kanvis @k3lynn @imagine-this-motherfucker @dontcallmeelle @jkbabiey @1-in-abillion @bangmechanpls @uarmyhore @devils-blackrose @hrndez2008 @azur3s @erennjim @cherryunie @vynmin @fragmentof-indifference

"Jungkook I suppose you won't have another episode any sooner, how about I go and buy an inhaler for you?" You said and got up from the sofa to leave but just in time he got ahold of your wrist.

He gulped as he looked up at you with a twisted expression, "I can't believe you still dont get it Y/N, this isn’t any normal fever or breathing problem that I am having... normal medicines or devices won't make any difference, the only thing I need is your presence, your touch, only you. Who knows what'll happen to me once you leave me here alone."

You blinked, "Jungkook, it'll hardly take ten minutes, why are you overreacting?"

"Overreacting!? Am i?! Y/N, I am the one going through this so I clearly know what I need right now. I can't believe this myself either but just the thought alone of being separated from you even for a moment is causing me heavy discomfort in my heart." He said and you could feel pain in voice.

You bit your lip in guilt, you shouldn't have been so harsh with your words, you sighed.

"I'm sorry i should have maintained my demeanor, you are already suffering, i-i shouldnt have said something so hurtful." You gritted your teeth as you mentally cursed yourself.

Jungkook decreased the distance between you and him, he released his grip from your wrist and cupped your face, "Yes, those words were indeed hurtful but you know what hurts me more right now?" He asked you as he caressed your right cheek, you looked up at him and saw him, his expressions slowly becoming sadder.

"What?"

"To see you sad- It hurts me the most, so i hope to reconcile and let you know that none of us are at fault and it was just an accident that you and I have got caught up into, instead of wallowing in sorrows, why don't we work on solving the problem we have at hand right now?" He said as if an adult was consoling a child.

You nodded slowly, "You're right, i'll no longer bring this up, we should probably focus on solving it."

He smiled.

Wow, that was so easy to get you on board! Jungkook thought to himself, not to mention how he had masked on an evil smirk with a friendly smile in front of you.

Jungkook was not in his right mind, that's what he thought at first when thoughts of kissing you, holding you tight, sleeping with you started flooding his mind.

He wasn't sure when and where things got twisted, the dose which was supposed to act as a cupid became much darker, as if it began to bring out a new Jungkook out of him, turned him much more sly and lustful.

A Jungkook which he never thought to become, but now he wishes he never goes back to his old self.

His old self who didn't even possess the courage to confess to you while now, he kissed you merely within a day of taking the dose, he's much more bolder now, much more twisted.

He knows it too.

And he loves it.

Meanwhile you hated it. You hated how Jungkook ended up being a victim of your curiosity, from your point of view, you saw this as something Jungkook hates too. He probably has someone he likes but look at him here stuck with you, unable to stay without you.

You may hate it but he has all the more reasons to hate this situation more than you, that's what you thought, it made you feel so guilty and bad which is why you couldn't say no when he said, "Y/N, let's sleep together."

"Huh?" You raised your eyebrows, did you hear that right?

He sighed, "You're probably thinking that I hate all of this, i know you feel pity for me.. its written all over your face."

Your eyelids fluttered at his observation, you pressed your lips thin, "You're right, i guess."

He held you by your shoulders and said, "And i think i have a solution to this. "

Your eyes at once went wide, "You do?"

"I think.. so? I'm not really sure if this will work but there's no harm in trying it out right?"

"Okay, so what is it?" You asked him.

"I just asked you to sleep with me a moment ago, right? Well, I'm just trying to put the pieces together. You see, my symptoms do not vanish through any antidote, nor through anything whatsoever except you." He licked his lips and continued, "So what if the cure is the ultimate step between us? That is having the extreme- I'm talking about sex, I can't think there's anything else more intimate than that?" He tilted his head and waited for your answer.

You took a moment to think over this, it seems like a plausible solution yet you saw loopholes in it. Like for example if instead of you, if Jungkook saw any celebrity at that moment... how could this solution work out?

You've realised what a mistake it was to even come up with this experiment- ugh! You just can't stop with the regret. "Alright! Doing something is better than doing nothing. Let's just get it done and get over with it."

You said and went inside your bedroom, Jungkook was stunned for a moment, he didn't expect you to fall for his logical lies so easily but then again, he knew he was using your weakness for his gain.

Your weakness being guilt and regret and his gain being the pleasure that was about to come tonight.

He snapped himself out of his thoughts and walked towards your bedroom, upon entering he almost fainted seeing you shirtless for the first time ever.

You sat there on the bed quietly looking at him, just a bra and a panty on you, yes.. it was awkward because you never thought you'd ever sleep with a colleague, evenmore to think it was Jungkook you were talking about.. whom you have never seen as anything more than friends.

You already undressed yourself because you thought it would be easier for him to have you in this state from the get-go!

Meanwhile Jungkook looked at you from head to toe, you looked so fucking beautiful and he just couldn't take his eyes off of you.

He gulped hard as he approached you, "Y/N, when was the last time you had sex?"

"Mmm.. it's been quite a few years." You answered.

"How was it?" He asked.

Your eyes naturally twitched at the thought of your ex, you really don't want to remember it but yet you couldn't deny that "It wasn't bad."

He smirked, "Is that a challenge for me? I hope you say "it was best" the next time someone asks you the same question." He said confidently while pulling up his shirt.

You looked at his bare body and my oh my! Look at those chiseled abs! No wonder he looks so confident.

"The condoms are in the drawer." You said and climbed up further on the bed until you sat against the bed rest.

He took them out and stuffed it inside his pocket and got up on bed.

He crawled towards you like a predator aiming for its prey, he started kissing your legs and thighs and sniffed at your pussy like a dog.

He could feel the twitch in his pants already, oh just how tempting were you!

He licked your inner thigh and it tingled from the cold sensation of his wet tongue.

He kissed over your clothed pussy and continued kissing your abdomen till he reached your chest area.

He brought his right hand and hovered it over your bra like a feather, you let out a tiny moan when he fingers scratched your cherries from over the fabric.

In no time they became hard, he used his thumb and index finger roll them like a screw and then squeezed them hard. You whimpered from the pain and just then he pulled down your bra exposing your beautiful breasts. He kissed them softly and started to lick them gently until he squeezed them hard again with his incisors.

You closed your eyes shut and straightened your legs from the sensation, he took this opportunity to use his hands to slide down your panty and started fingering your pussy.

While his teeth were squeezing and chewing on your nipples, his fingers were deep inside you mirroring the movement of scissors.

You moaned and he could feel his soul leave his body by how beautiful you sounded just then.

As soon as he felt your juices were leaking, he brought out his fingers and smothered the juice all over dick. His dick which was also leaking mixed with your cum, he took them and rubbed it all over your face.

You were too busy to feel disgusted as you no more had the presence of the surrounding, it was just you and the pleasure Jungkook was giving you.

He knew that you were enjoying it, afterall you looked like you were ignorant of the world at that moment. He moved up and licked your entire face clean with his tongue and when every drop of juice was in his mouth, he opened your mouth and started placing sloppy kisses on them.

Meanwhile he quickly teared off the condom packet and put it on his dick before going inside your vagina.

The first time he thrusted in, you gasped and as a result you swallowed the cum that was inside your mouth.

He thrusted again deeper and your back arched at the pain, he now slid his dick in and out of you continuosly until you went numb. Just as things were getting even more intense, he suddenly felt the crook of his neck had started to burn.

He stopped altogether and clenched his teeth at the pain, you wondered what made him stop so you looked at him.

All of a sudden you felt sobered up from the daze of pleasure, you immediately asked him with wide concerning eyes, "What is it?"

"My- my neck, it's really hot Y/N, can you please touch it- no- please kiss it?" The pace of his breath became faster.

"O-ok." You quickly leaned in and blowed some air and kissed the area.

Jungkook sighed as he instantly felt relief, "Thanks a lot.. I think the solution of having sex failed--" He hissed in pain as the same burning sensation returned again but this time on his dick.

His eyes grew wide, wow this loveshot really is a big deal huh? It sure knows what Jungkook's fantasies are.. even though he was in sheer pain, the happiness of how to overcome the pain overjoyed him.

You asked, "Jungkook what's wrong?"

"Ah-ah my- my .." He pointed downwards and you looked at his member, it really did look red like it was flaming up.

"Will it be alright if I kiss there?" You said in worry.

"I- I don't know, please hurry up." He said in pain.

He removed the condom at once, you gulped and quickly bend down to kiss his dick. Yes, as expected the pain was gone and it takes a few more seconds for the redness and hotness to vanish... so he thought of using this information to gain a bit more than just a kiss.

He started to pretend, "Ah- ah Y/N it didn't work, can you please lick it?"

You blinked at his absurd request but he looked quite in pain so you tried to forget everything and started to lick his cum covered dick.

Jungkook was having heavenly pleasure as he placed his hands at the back and relaxed at the work you did for him. As soon as you heard his sigh of relief, you looked up to look at relaxed face of Jungkook.

"Is it gone?"

"Oh yes yes! Thanks a lot Y/N, I can finally sleep in peace tonight."

-

After washing up last night and lying next to Jungkook- who was sleeping soundly, you couldn't help but ponder over a long time of how to reverse things and if it still was a good idea to roll this out in markets. What if people start misusing them?

In the morning the door bell woke you up. You yawned, just who the hell is there so early in the morning? Oh where's Jungkook?

You stepped out of your bed and heard shower noises coming from the bathroom. Must be taking a bath!

You went to open the door in half sleep-awake state but the sleepiness soon evaporated the moment you opened the door, the person standing in front of you was the last person you'd ever like to meet on Earth.

Your ex-boyfriend Park Jimin.

"Y/N, i broke up with her." Were the first words that came out of his mouth.

As if you cared! Did he seriously destroy your sweet sleep for something so useless? You rolled your eyes, "And? Why exactly are you here?"

He gulped, "I am here to ask you something. Why did you warn me that day when i left you for her? You said its okay if I'm breaking up with you but i should date anyone but her, why did you say that? Did you see this coming?"

You scoffed, "You're here for something i said years ago?! And why do you even want to know, dont you already know why you both broke up. Now stop bothering me and go away!"

"I'm not done yet, if you give me the answ--" Jimin paused immediately as soon as he saw someone coming in his line of sight behind you.

"Who's he?" Jimin asked you and you turned back to see. Your eyes went wide as you saw Jungkook standing there with wet hair and just a towel wrapped around his waist.

He walked towards both of you when he spotted an unknown male figure.

"Let me introduce myself, I'm Y/N's--"

"His name is Jungkook." You quickly cut him off before he could say something absurd, you looked at him with threatening gaze, "when you are going to introduce yourself, please state your name first before taking mine." You said shooting lasers off your eyes and then turned towards Jimin, "Anyways, you should get going now."

He knit his eyebrows, "Why are you so eager on sending me away Y/N? Won't you offer even a glass of water?"

"Hey hey mister, if she says go away, you should go away." Jungkook stepped in between you both.

Jimin poked his cheek inside with his tongue, "Are you her boyfriend?"

"No, he-" You were quick to deny but Jungkook cut you off, "and what if i am?"

Your eyes went wide again, just why the hell is acting like this!?

Jimin took a glance at your face and scoffed as he looked at Jungkook, "Well, you aren't so why don't you step out of our business, ah- i forgot to introduce myself, I am Park Jimin, Y/N's ex-boyfriend." Jungkook's pupil shook at Jimin's words.

Jimin saw that.

He smirked and then looked at you, "Y/N i won't ask anymore about me and Ningguang, but I'd appreciate if you could give me a dose of loveshot. I heard from one of my friends whose brother had volunteered for the experiment. As soon as i heard your name, i knew it had to be you."

You sighed, "Why do you need it? To get Ningguang back?" You scoffed, "Why don't you bring her to the lab tomorrow to register her as a subject?" You smiled sarcastically.

Ningguang? It seems Jimin and Ningguang were lovers or something? Jungkook thought.

The bulb in his mind immediately lit up as soon as he saw this as an opportunity to get rid of Jimin, he interrupted, "Uh actually we do have a sample in the lab, right Y/N? Let me bring me it."

You frowned, "Why would you?"

"Y/N you do know that possibility of errors decrease with increase in number of subjects right?" He said.

"But-"

"Hushhh." He kept a finger on your lips, "We should help him out Y/N, didnt we take the oath of showing equality to everyone who needs our help and not involve personal feelings? I'm sure you didn't forget it already, did you?"

You sighed with a sour expression, "Fine whatever."

Jungkook smiled and went inside to bring the tiny bottle of 5ml dose and a new injection.

"Here, may you and your lover get together just as before, that is our one and only goal of the shot." Jungkook said as he handed items over to the Jimin.

"So you were a scientist too, thanks anyways, I'll keep you guys updated about our relationship, if thats what you wanted as you are not asking for money in exchange of this." Jimin reasoned.

"Precisely. Ah, just update only me, no need to bother Y/N, she's already busy because of me..so you can update just me, here have my number." Jungkook said and punched in his mobile number in Jimin's phone.

Once he was gone, it felt like Jungkook could finally breathe. "Well.. thankyou." You spoke and Jungkook looked at you in question, "What for?"

"Well, for him to text only you, I don't want to get involved anymore with him so.."

"You're so adorable, ofcourse i could sense from a mile away how you badly you wanted to smash the door on his face." He chuckled and so did you.

"But why did you even give the shot to him, what if something goes wrong?" You asked as you walked back to your room.

"Relax Y/N, it's the safe limit 5ml dose that I've given."

You tched, "Yeah yeah, and please put on a shirt."

"Ay ay captain!" Jungkook chuckled while putting on his shirt.

Meanwhile Jimin was now sitting inside his car.

He clutched the packet of the injection tight and said to himself, "Who said I'm going to use it on Ningguang?" He smirked as he glanced at your apartment for the last time before he drove off.

DOSE 4

AYO JIMIN THEN WHO???👀

[prettyboykatsuki]

how do you reconcile with writing smut about characters who are canonically minors? i’m not trying to attack you or try to change your mind or anything, so sorry if my question reads that way. i’m just genuinely curious 😭

no worries!! this is asked respectfully so i dont mind answering even tho i usually just delete stuff abt this now

idk really know how to answer your question i have not reiterated many times. but like. i want you to really consider your own way of asking this to me critically. like what would i have to "reconcile" with exactly? them being minors in canon?

for me personally there's nothing to reconcile with. i feel no guilt or shame or remorse about aging up characters. or just like wanting to fuck them. or really anything i write in fiction at all, point blank - should i choose to explore it. like there's not crime i've committed other than being horny about some shit i made up, upon the basis some shit another guy made up.

partially this is bc characters in fictions are concepts. they're objects, thoughts, ideas. no matter how brainrotted i am about them, they don't live in material reality. im not harming them because they don't exist. outside of my phone and computer they are not real. harrowing myself with guilt over something that does not even exist is kind of insane. this applies to everything.

you can feel personal discomfort over aging up for yourself, but the reality is no actual minors are harmed in the process of me writing porn about anime characters. bakugou is lines on paper. i am allowed to cut him out like a barbie doll and play with him however i like. he doesn't get a say in that because he is fake lol.

there's like idk. all sorts of nuance to this and if you are respectfully curious im happy to talk to you about it. but they're just not real. no one is hurt in me writing this. so it doesn't matter to me at all. i would never hurt another person because of what im interested in fictionally, either. i have spent too many years becoming a decent human being to wonder about that

nothing i do in the fictional space is of any relevance to who i am, except for what things might cause genuine harm to another living breathing person. i write a lot of dark content in my smut also but

a lot of my content also while being dark, does not specifically deal with sensitive social issues so no one is hurt in that way either. i have enough confidence in my critical understanding of the world to write what i do understand to my ability. i mostly write about noncon and dubcon and yandere, all of which are personal violations and not social ones (OVERSIMPLIFYING THERE A LOT). i sometimes do write about social taboos of course but not whats outside of my ability

all in all its like. i dont know what i'd feel guilty over. no one is hurt and i have no intent to harm. nothing matters outside of that

[menlove]

wait curious about your thoughts on this. i genuinely dont believe the paul john reconciliation thing that paul pushes in every interview (abt the bread phone call etc) like im sure they had that conversation and maybe that was a nice memory but theres a paul late november 1980 interview (good morning america i think?) where the interviewer is like “john said you died creatively etc” and then paul gets very awkward and said he just keeps quiet publicly or else john will get resentful and that he doesnt know why john does that. its literally like two weeks before john died idk im like a mclennon ended on bad terms truther and i genuinely believe pauls batshit behavior the last 40 years is the result of him feeling bad about everything

I think I'm at a bit of a middle road with it! because there's certainly that (although what john actually said in that interview was meant differently and seemingly misconstrued to paul to try and start drama, although it sadly says a lot that paul sort of just expected that sort of thing by that point) & I do think that their relationship by 1980 was a lot more complicated than paul has wanted to talk about (for good reason). I wanna say there's a few interviews where he even says that, like it was difficult to come to terms with his feelings on everything with john bc suddenly he was Dead you know?

but I do think them reconciling and being friends again wouldn't necessarily negate that. there was a lot of baggage between them at that point & it would be very easy for the two of them to be Wary of each other even if they WERE on good terms and calling more often. which would just make paul's reaction to "john said you died creatively" even more of a blow for him like "what the hell, we're on good terms now, why is he STILL saying this shit?" and given that it was misconstrued and I wanna say not even a PUBLISHED interview yet, he really had nothing to go on except being ambushed by that question

plus there's the fact that they apparently had a recording studio booked for '81 and john was set to come back to england to record with him. and ofc (just like) starting over in general, though that depends on how much you believe that was for paul

honestly I think john died while they were on confusing terms. not really a Great place but also not on bad terms either. sort of a "yeah okay, we've made up, we're trying, maybe we'll get together and record, now what?" sort of place. especially given a lot anecdotes that yoko was fielding calls from paul & requests to come see john. I think they both Wanted to make up, but life was in the way. so they got phone calls about bread. but paul was obviously still wary and hurt/confused by john's back and forth behavior. I think there's some other quote somewhere from paul about how he never knew what he'd be picking the phone up to. on john's end, he probably WAS hopeful and fully intent on recording with him in the next year and, ya know, starting over. for paul, he probably didn't know if he could hold him to that or even hold him to being nice the next time they talked.

but ya know, 40+ years down the line, it's probably a bit easier to cling onto the good moments and not the confusion around where they stood at the end. lots of time for reflection on how john must have been feeling & coming to the conclusion that they WERE on track to being okay again. I think at the Time paul was probably just rightfully very cautious & that had to be a weird feeling to deal with after any future plans were killed with john

[drdemonprince]

want to be very clear this isn't like. accusatory at all.

just read your post abt fi/re and retirement savings etc. and how do you reconcile that with (what i know of) your anarchist politics? i'm not saying that its impossible or even that you have to do so, but. there's always been dissonance there for me and i kind of just accept it and let it sit and that generally works for me but.

I just answered a question about this, so hopefully you saw it, but yes, I generally accept the dissonance and let it sit. I also try to avoid viewing anarchism as an identity or an ideology, and more of a social technology. that said, i would not by any means call having a 401k anarchist, right, obviously. i dont think, like, homeownership is anarchist either, but i think more leftist would consider that one an acceptable compromise as a means to survive under capitalism in the short term? even though it also has some real, socially damaging downstream effects. admittedly less than investing in the stock market!! but i think we all wind up making decisions that are pretty flawed within this structure. if someone thinks mine cross the line, again, i can't disagree with the basis of their judgement, i think it makes sense. i would say that kind of thing about the ana mardolls of the world working for lockheed martin. but on balance, i am of the opinion that the world would be slightly better off if more disabled people lived off index funds (at a low cost of living -- a huge part of the FIRE movement is reduced consumption) rather than work for lockheed martin or similarly morally compromised employers.