#and you begin. and what if i forgave you a million times for this because i loved you and it still wasnt enough. what then

[kaddos]

never in my life have i heard such a tragic and hopeful and beautiful song..... what if we were both addicts and desperately in love with each other but we could only manage to be the worst versions of ourselves to each other... and what if we understood each other profoundly because of this and yet we couldnt have any real closeness because our relationship would only ever be tumultuous. what if i hold a million versions of you in my head and you were bad to me but you were all i had and it wasnt even anything i could name. what if sometimes i cared about you desperately and you did sometimes and other times you were just fucking mean. and what if ill miss you forever. what then

[theunbearableweightofpedropascal]

Be my Baby Pt.1

Summary: Frankie Morales finds himself in a situation he isn't sure how to navigate, open marriage.

Warnings: none really, eventual smut, angst, and a tiny amount of fluff/humor.

A/N: I will sincerely try to update this mini-series on a normal basis but pls don't hold it against me if not.

Word Count: 2.8K

In the time that they got back from Colombia it was like a curse from that money released itself on Frankie. His marriage was already on shaky ground but when he left he knew he would come back groveling. He thought that at least the money would cushion the blow but even that fell through. The look on his wife, Maria’s, face when he came back as penniless as he left stayed in his head. 

She was tired of his shit and he couldn’t completely blame her. But they were working it out and  slowly but surely on the road to recovery until Santi came back, with the exact coordinates and the hope of another chance. Santi assured him this time they wouldn’t make the same mistakes because they knew how deadly the consequences are. None of them wanted another brother in the ground. 

Frankie was torn he knew how that money was life changing and this time he knew they would get it. On the other hand he knew Maria wouldn’t accept that, she would tell him there’s a reason they didn’t come back with more than a million. That Tom was in the ground because of that money and he’ stupid enough to go back. 

When Frankie finally did broach the subject with Maria she surprised him with a resigned nod. He plead his case that it was different, they already had the money stashed and just had to pick it up. He reminded her that with this money they won’t have to stress anymore about anything, except for their marriage. 

Maria stunned Frankie into a stiff silence when she said, “You’ve made your mind up Frankie but so have I. I dealt with your addiction and took on more than I should have with a newborn and I’m tired of being alone and abandoned. So if you go I want to open the marriage. I think we both should see what’s out there and if this can work. Just for a couple months.”

Frankie couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. He couldn’t deny that his addiction put a toll on her however he got better and did the work to fix their relationship. She even forgave him. He knew going to Colombia had it’s consequences but this felt extreme, it was one thing to file for separation but an open marriage? 

Figurung that this is his way to finally rectify all his sins he reluctantly agrees, with rules of course. 

No bringing anybody around Rosie. 

No one is to come to the house they share. 

No mutual friends. 

Protection must be used. 

Soon enough though Frankie sees that Maria really was thinking about this, since less than a week later she’s going to see her ex. The same ex that had Frankie picking up the pieces of her heart in the beginning of their relationship. It stung. Bad. But he figures he just has to play the supportive role and then they can get back to them. 

Frankie leaves to go on the second mission to retrieve the money and hopes that when he comes back things will be better than before. This time they have no casualties or injuries while retrieving the money. The relief they felt upon the plane ride back was indescribable, they finally had the money. 

Santiago decided to buy a home near the remaining boys to settle into after he travels. Will and Benny decide to open up a mechanic shop and offer for Frankie to be involved. He declined wanting to focus on his family. He figured with the money it would be a start to solving problems, he bought things he couldn't afford for both Maria and Rosie, his daughter. He even offered to set up a marriage counseling appointment. Except that was the last thing Maria wanted, she was enjoying having other options. 

Months after settling not only did Frankie feel defeated he felt there was even more distance between them now. What was supposed to bring them together wretched them even further apart. He bought flowers every week, took her on nice dates, and was even working on communication in individual therapy. Yet it seemed she was simply uninterested. Their bedroom was dead, six feet under dead. He was sure that she was sexually active with her ex, call it a hunch.

Frankie needed to know where they stood because from his perspective it felt like she didn’t want to work things out and just doesn’t wanna tell him. He decided to discuss things with her while Rosie was with his parents for the weekend. He cleared his throat when he approached her sitting in their living room on her phone.

“Maria, I know we aren’t close to being how we were but it’s been a couple months and you said that that’s all the time you needed. I’m not trying to sound pushy I’m just ready to get back on the path to working things out like in therapy.” Frankie followed the advice his therapist granted him on communicating his wants and needs without imposing.  

“Look Frankie I was serious when I said I wanted time apart, I think I deserve at least that.” She raised an eyebrow with a pointed look before moving in for the kill. “Look I understand if you’re jealous because I’m seeing Chris but this is what we agreed on when you went back to Colombia.”

“It wasn’t a vacation Maria it was so that we wouldn’t struggle anymore. I know I messed up but you said we would work on it. It’s not about jealousy it’s about you not seeming interested in working things out. I’ve been putting in the effort and I just feel lik-” Frankie’s response was cut off by an irked Maria 

“You feel like what? You think because you did what you should have been doing everything is magically fixed? You had a drug problem and I took on a brunt of the work with a newborn.” 

Frankie gritted his teeth at the mention of his drug addiction, he knew he messed up there too but he thought they worked it out. Even so she said she forgave him so why would she bring it up again.

“Of course I don’t think it’s fixed Maria I’m saying I’m trying here and I need to know if you’re willing to do that or if we should cut our losses.” frankie,,

“It's real funny you suddenly want to patch things up when I have someone that is treating how I should be treated.” Her statement causes slight confusion and anger in Frankie since besides those instances he thought, at least, he was a great attentive partner. 

“That’s not what this is. I know things won’t be normal but I need to know if you actually want to stay with me or if this is your way of telling me you want to divorce. I’ve always tried to do right by you and I know I fucked up but I want to make it work.”

“Maybe if you would get off my back constantly about getting back together when I told you I needed time, I would be more willing. The marriage is more than open for you too Frank.” With that final blow Maria left the room and probably the house. Frankie put his hands in his face and sighed, wondering why the hell he signed up for an open marriage.  

Frankie didn’t want to see other women he just wanted to patch things up with his wife. He decides to call up the guys to see if they’re free for beers. Crazy how with the money things seem even worse. 

…….

“So you agreed to open your marriage to ‘fix it’, and I’m using fix loosely, instead of say marriage couseling??” William rubbed his beard in frustration as he questioned Frankie.

“You don’t think I suggested that? I just I want to make up for all the mistakes I made and this money was supposed to be the start and now it just feels like no matter what I’m doing she’s pulling away. She wasn’t like this with my addiction and she said she forgave me but she brought it up tonight and I just, I don’t know man.” The men around the table think the same thing but are waiting for another to say it. 

“Look man if you want my opinion,” Santi waited for an interjection from Frankie that wouldn’t come, “Did you fuck up? Yes. But it’s also shady that all of this shit is bubbling up now Frankie. If she truly forgave you she wouldn’t keep those things over your head or build resentment. You did all you could. I mean she doesn’t even want marriage couseling.” 

As much as Santi didn’t want to be the one to verbalize the next part he did it anyway. “I think she was thinking about this for a while and wanted to find a guilt-free way to do it. I know you want to save your marriage but it doesn’t sound like she does anymore.” Frankie nods as he drinks his beer to let his friend know he’s listening. 

Santiago and Frankie lock eyes and Santi sees that’s he’s getting through to his friend. Frankie’s a good man that was in a bad situation, they all were. PTSD isn’t a joke and factoring in the death of Tom, and his marrige failing he’s sure Frankie thought about relapsing. He just needs a break. 

“I know you may not be looking but maybe you should go out with the receptionist me and Will just hired. She’s hot an-” Before Benny could continue Frankie interrupts him.

“And she’d want to go out with me because..?” Frankie asked before tipping his beer back once more.

“Because she turned Benny down.” Will couldn’t help but make it known that you bruised his little brothers' ego. Santi nearly spit his beer out while Will cackles all over again. Frankie actually cracks a smile and a small laugh making Benny feel less bad about being the butt of the joke.   

“Yeah because she thought Fish was the cutest out of us, obviously I’m not her type.” Frankie looks at Benny confused after his last statement to which Benny explains, “She saw a photo of the five of us and she asked about you specifically. I think her type is weird man, she also said this comedian Pete Davidson was cute. I shit you not I looked him up and I swear she just likes guys that look like they don’t bathe man.”

The four men at the table howl with laughter. The turn around of one of the worst nights for Frank being filled with laughter instead. He was glad he called the guys out tonight he should've told them months ago but shame stopped him. 

Benny is one of the first to stop laughing so he could pull out his phone to show his friend what you look like. When the instagram page on Benny’s phone is eagerly shoved in Frankie’s face he has to pull his head back further so he could see. Once his eyes focus he sees what Ben was talking about and why he was enamored by you. 

It’s not like he only found Maria attractive but looking at you makes him feel like a blushing teenager again. Benny sees the look on Frankie’s face and knows that exact feeling, “I know right she’s fuckin gorgeous. Told you.” Frankie face heats up with embarrassment.

“I wanna see what she looks like too.” Santi whines before Benny obliges him. Once Santi sees what you look like he backs Benny up. “C’mon Fish you have to I mean damn if you don’t I’ll try.”

Will joins in, “If you guys don’t leave my poor receptionist alone. It’s bad enough she deals with Benny, I don't wanna sic Pope on her too. Seriously though come to the shop help out a bit we’re really busy plus it’ll take your mind off things.”

…….

What is he doing? Even with his wife basically pushing him onto another woman he’s still having second thoughts. Guilty thoughts. He feels so guilty for finding you so pretty and even entertaining this. However this is what they agreed on, time apart. Besides, working on cars would take his mind off things at home. 

You’re in the midst of alphabetizing clients when you hear a customer enter. You turn around only to see your boss's friend from the picture on the fridge. Fransico Morales, who looks even better in person. He’s even wearing that same oil hat as the picture. Although he may not be as young and athletic as he was in the picture, his broad shoulders stretch the black cotton t-shirt he’s wearing a little thinner. His blue jeans are tighter around his thighs than they should be. Usually a patchy beard on a man is unattractive but somehow Frankie makes it work.

With files still in hand you put them back on the desk and ask how you can assist him. He’s saved from answering because Will comes around the corner wiping his hand with a cloth. He lights up when he sees Francisco and greets him with a hug, the commotion attracting Benny too. 

Benny’s shit eating grin causes Frankie’s face to flush and he hopes he can just blame it on the heat. William is the one to introduce you two to each other, even though you already knew his name. “Well Fish is gonna help us and you out around here for a while. Did you need an extra hand with paperwork or should we take him with us to the garage?” Will gives you the choice and you happily take the bait. 

You smile and slightly lean over the front counter to answer, “I’ll take him, the sooner I organize these the more off-time I have.” The brothers exchange knowing looks before heading back into the garage to work on their respective cars.

“Ok I was just in the middle of alphabetizing their client’s profiles so if you could start separating this pile,” you point to a stack of paper almost at your knee, “into receipts, previous work done, and payment info we should be good.

“Yes ma’am.” Frankie smiles at you then gets to work. He can’t help but feel nervous around you since he hasn’t flirted in years. Even starting a regular conversation is daunting. He tries anyway “I’m shocked you haven’t quit on account of Benny.”

“Nah he mostly just comes in here talking my head off because Will kicked him out of his office.” You brush off his comment.

“He still thinks you’re beautiful though, and I can’t say I disagree.” Frankie wants to slap himself with how awkward that probably sounded but your face warms at the admission of Frankie finding you pretty. 

“Benny’s great but not really my type.” You take a look at him for emphasis. 

Frankie thinks back to Benny’s words last night and almost lets out a laugh, “What is your type then?”

You counter with, “Why do you wanna know are you interested?” fully turning your body to face him. 

“I uh, yes but I should tell you I’m married,” He sees the expression change on his face and rushes to explain. “We’re doing the open marriage thing. Spending some time apart to be stronger.” Frankie realizes he must have overshared but before he can backtrack you speak up.

“Who's idea was it then?” You don't know him well but he seems honest. But a lot of married guys have ‘open’ marriages except the wife doesn’t know. 

“Hers. I won’t lie I’ve made mistakes and tried to make up for them but I don’t blame her for wanting this.” You're genuinely shocked by the fact that he takes so much responsibly. It’s refreshing. 

“Well do you want to go out sometime then?” Frankie almost reers back at your question because he thought he completely messed things up for himself. 

“You want to go out with me even after all of that?” He can’t help but question.

You nod and smile at him, “Yes” grabbing his bicep you look him in the eye and say, “You know your wife may have made a mistake letting you back on the market.” 

From the way that you gently squeeze his arm while giving him eyes, he is reminded that it’s been a long while since he had sex. His bulge presses against his zipper in arousal. Just from the little attention you’ve given him he doesn’t know how to act. But the moment is broken by none other than Benny, the sudden intrusion has the both of you breaking away.

“So how’s it going in here?” Benny feigns interest when he really just wants to be nosey.

Frankie sees past his bullshit and lets it be known, “What do you want Benny?”

“I think I could use your help out here after all.” Benny sheepishly admits.

Frankie turns to you, silently questioning if you’ll be okay. You give him an obvious wink and turn to go about your day. As he walks away he can’t help but feel giddy about seeing you again.

[peony-pearl]

The Jasmine Dragon - Another Look

So... you all know how I feel about Iroh returning to The Jasmine Dragon.

How do I feel about the tea shop in particular? I... don’t mind it. I mean, I have an Etsy shirt with a logo that is well loved and within 12 hours of discovering the Tea Shop Iroh Youtooz that was a Books-A-Million exclusive, I was buying him and unboxing him before one of my earlier shifts at work.

It’s how the tea shop is handled in the context of the narrative that doesn’t sit well with me.

The Jasmine Dragon is established while Iroh and Zuko are still hiding out, still on the run. Iroh gets them both jobs at Pao’s tea shop, and I hesitate to say that ‘oh Iroh just wants Zuko to serve tea’. Iroh has a SKILL he can make money off of. A very good skill and passion. Tell me what job Zuko, a 16 year old mess that had resorted to thievery at a couple of points, was going to find when he already wasn’t doing well with the situation he and Iroh were in? If he resorted to stealing again, it would end badly now that they’re in Ba Sing Se, and they need the protection of the city and it’s walls from the Fire Nation.

So Iroh uses a skill he has to find them both a job to bring in money; enough to live on and keep them afloat. (I’d be willing to say if Zuko found something else he wanted to do, Iroh would give him his blessing; but hesitantly because he would worry about not being able to keep an eye on his hot-headed nephew)

Eventually, Iroh’s skill draws attention. He is a talented tea brewer with an obvious passion.

Which leads to my first positive with the tea shop. It was what Iroh wanted outside of his Fire Nation life. Iroh was born and raised to be a warrior, and he was. He was successful and great at it. He raised his own son to be the same way until Lu Ten died while following his father, who, in turn, was following his own father. Iroh gives Zuko the ultimatum ‘Who are you and what do you want?’, and I think it echoes that Iroh is finally living his own version of that. He’s getting his own business in a trade that excites him, that defines him. No longer is he war mongering, no longer is he hunting avatars or burning down villages. He’s going to have a business that is HIS. It’s IROH’S place. It is who and what he is. As a place that will keep him and Zuko living in luxury, it’s the next best thing to living back at the palace.

But it’s not Zuko’s. And yet, again, I don’t think Iroh intended for Zuko to serve tea his whole life; I think he was hoping Zuko would begin to make friends, to find his own passions. Maybe even begin getting an education in Ba Sing Se.

But the city was their only refuge for an indefinite amount of time; Iroh has lived a long life. Zuko is only 16; and a brash boy like that living the rest of his life in this one (big) city? It was going to drive him mad.

But then Zuko joins Azula and Iroh is taken back to the Fire Nation in chains. When he and Zuko reunite, Iroh denies the throne and decides to go back to The Jasmine Dragon.

I’m not concerned about Zuko taking the throne (they could have done more to make him WANT to be a leader for the Fire Nation, but hey at least he knew the war had to stop and he wanted Aang to defeat Ozai; but I’m getting off topic); but I DO hate that Iroh steps back into the shadows of the teashop.

The Jasmine Dragon is situated in the upper ring of Ba Sing Se; where the wealthiest and most important citizens live. Iroh, a man who spent his tale of Ba Sing Se helping people, is a Grand Lotus, and loved music night on his boat, is now alienated from the majority of the world. A man who knew the war had to end, a man who is enlightened, just goes back to an enclosed life; away from the boy who cried when he forgave him.

Honestly, The Jasmine Dragon needed to change with Iroh and Zuko’s relationship. It either needed to leave Ba Sing Se, or be reopened in the Fire Nation. I think it would be important for Iroh to continue his tea shop; it’s what he wants, and Zuko would see that. But I think it’s obvious Zuko wants his family. Ozai is imprisoned and Azula is hospitalized. Regardless of Zuko’s age, not only is he a new royal, he was away for 3 very formative years and is suddenly Fire Lord. He’s gonna need a little bit of backup.

So while the overall concept of the Jasmine Dragon is something I enjoy, the way it’s used in canon just kind of really bothers me. It’s built on survival and Iroh and Zuko finally being able to use their new luxury to live the best lives they can while forced into Ba Sing Se’s walls. But now they don’t need that promise as they’re free and essentially pardoned from both the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom.

I do believe, though, that Iroh has pretty much lost his connection with the Fire Nation; but that doesn’t mean he should just leave Zuko Alone (haha). I think it would be interesting to see Iroh struggle with what he feels to be ‘home’ after everything that’s happened. As a man created to destroy, he was all over the world waging war; but now he feels little attachment to his birthplace, and yet, even with his place in the White Lotus and alliance with the Avatar, there are bound to be reservations about him being in different Nations. Yet, there are reparations to be made, and I think that would suit Iroh to travel and be an agent of the new Fire Lord, sending supplies and help to places to oversee rebuilding, again, especially as a member of the White Lotus.

But also, Iroh is probably ready to stay in one place for a little while. But for it to just straight up not be with his nephew? The Jasmine Dragon was created to support them both - I feel like going straight there without having been at Zuko’s coronation or ensuring his reign began as strong as it could cuts the foundations of the importance of the Jasmine Dragon.

I love the thought of Iroh being able to have his tea shop, a thing of beauty that he can share passion and art with others instead of being the Dragon of the West - but not in a way that drives a wedge between him and the most important person in his life.

[didnt-hear-cold-as-you-live]

I don't wanna publish the long ask so I'm gonna put it under the cut if people wanna read / I do later, but that was so helpful to hear, anon.

(also LOL @ "why does it always come to nudes" jfkhdksjk). I really relate to what you said about kind of taking things really seriously and tracing them back to that incident, because that's exactly what's happening with me/us right now. It's also helpful to hear that it WAS helpful for you to bring it up under that context years later. And you saying that you need to bring something actionable for him to do to the table before you do it is so smart - I think that solves a lot of what I was wondering about like, it's going to feel like I'm just bitching at him out of nowhere if I also have a real tangible action I want out of it. seriously so so SO helpful I appreciate the whole thing a lot.

Ahh that story was captivating as hell!! I relate in a lot of ways and maybe hearing my situation could help a little? I met my current partner of almost 5 years in a very tumultuous time of my life. I was involved in a fucking homeland security investigation over some nudes (why are nudes always involved 💀) that had been passed around on some gross websites at my college but they were taken when I was 17 which made the whole thing child porn and therefore a big big deal. That had basically wrapped up by the time we met after I graduated, but he knew about it. About a year or so into our relationship he gave me a very heartfelt and agonizing apology because he had been watching tv on my laptop while I was at work and had been curious if I had saved any of the (few) nudes he had sent me. In his curiosity he had found the folder of my literal homeland security evidence and had PANICKED bc child porn and betraying me and DELETED THEM. I was in love and still very much not healed from the trauma surrounding the whole thing and loved feeling like I had the moral high ground and so I forgave him too fast and comforted him and promptly erased the incident from my memory. 3 years of a very very solid relationship later, my brain would not leave me alone with the intrusive thoughts about how he would inevitably betray me and how he would never understand my pain and suffering as a woman. He is practically perfect, truly, including in how he responds to feedback and has been helping me through some very very dark ptsd places like this guy has been through hell and back with me. But I’d spent 3 years keeping all of those feelings/fears in (bc I literally forgot about what happened bc of how triggering it actually was). Eventually I snapped bc our life was good but felt like spark was missing (thank u pandemic!) and he would stumble into a male privilege slip up occasionally (which is normal and he would truly dig in and try to understand and fix it whenever thsi came up). But those stumbles were bringing up the HUGE feelings of betrayal for me. The way we navigated it, which isn’t necessarily a recommendation lol, was that we traced the huge reactions I was having back to that incident at the beginning of our relationship, he heard me from a retrospective view when I expressed how deeply that had wounded me, he genuinely apologized, and I pretty much handed him an ultimatum that he needed to go to therapy and do some required readings on apologies and communication (he has some big stuff with people pleasing so it was sometimes hard to know when things were sincere or just an effort to keep me “happy”). Anyways!! Long story short, he went all in and committed to doing those things and almost a year later, we are stronger than ever and I trust him 1000%. We even ended up doing long distance recently for a work opportunity he had come up out of state and we were both terrified but it is going really well! I guess my real point is that those feelings are valid and worthy of being looked at again even though you’ve “been over it” a million times already. Bc the way you feel about everything that happened back then, now, is really important to acknowledge and create space for. It sounds like you’ve both grown and changed a lot! And the people you are now deserve the chance to pay your respects to the people you once were, and you deserve to be heard in your pain. What helped me was to be able to go into conversations with my partner with a solid list of things that I knew would help me to feel better/if he didn’t think doing them was worth it then I would know exactly how much he cared and be able to dip (like an article or a worksheet he could literally read or do, basically just actionable things). Of course, that was after the initial hyper-emotional conversation which was a lot of crying and fury. It ended up being absolutely worth it, and I think we both feel safer/better for it. On his end, I think he doesn’t carry around as much guilt. I know it’s not exactly the same situation, but anyways that’s my relationship story! Hugs 💙

[fhabsista]

SoulFood: Does the Hurt Go Away?

Have you ever been in "that place" of hurt and wondered how you were ever going to make it passed that point? When your mind can't even conceive anything other than how you feel. When you look to God in agony and ask why. That's the million dollar question that everyone has asked at one time in their life, even if you didn't vocalize. God knows what we think.

I remember growing up and deciding that I would never let anyone hurt me again. That day I made a choice to close my heart and protect myself from the world. Wow, it was great! No more pain. For years, I walked around not caring about anything. My heart was turning into stone and I didn't even know it. I was always the kind of person that had a different answer than the popular crowd which caused me alot of conflict in life and much hurt as a result. But now I thought I was free. People said bad things or did bad things to me and I didn't even flinch, no worries because I didn't care. God still loved me with my hardened heart and He still spoke to me about my future even though He knew I was messed up inside.

There came a season when God required more of me and I knew I had to let go of the shell that had protected me for so many years. I told God that I would let go as I cried my eyes out while driving. It felt like I was ripping my heart out because I was giving up my control and I truly thought to myself that my way was better than God's way because I didn't cry at night anymore. Years later, I have taken the shell back quite a few times because being vulnerable is not fun and God wasn't understanding how I was feeling, so I went back to the only thing I knew. The Lord showed me that not only was I keeping people out of my life, but I wasn't living life either. I was so stale and hard and black & white about everything and I would never be able to experience abundant life that way.

I knew God was tugging at me again to get me to release the past. He said, don't let your past determine your future. He shared with me that I had to love with no expectation of receiving anything from the people I love. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That philosophy is not cool at all. What is love about then? I couldn't believe that my philosophy of love didn't match God's and I felt like I have given God so much, surely He doesn't require anything else of me, yet He required my heart fully.

He said I didn't have a right to build a case against people that have hurt me even if it was justified because He had a case against me and He forgave me, so I had to forgive AGAIN. There was still some resentment in me that was eating at my character. I just didn't understand. I'm always the one having to change, it's not fair. I love God so much that I had to trust Him even when it made no sense to me.

I asked God why does He allow these things to happen when I am trusting in Him to protect me. I have pulled my heart towards him so many times and it seemed as if it didn't matter because God allowed me to be sideswiped again. Then the spirit of God reveals himself in a way that cannot be explained, but He allowed me to see the end (the promise), he allowed me to see the strength I have gained, the greater love for Him that I have, the greater sensitivity I have for my family and for my friends, the need for others that may be experiencing the same things that I have gone through. He told me it would be a testimony for many. Now that sounds all good, but my first thought was........Huh? I'm hurting and you are telling me about a testimony one day.

He speaks to those that want to hear Him. It makes no logical sense, but God will heal and He will restore that which the kankerworm has stolen. That is a promise!

If you remember nothing else, trust this. If you really want to be free from hurt, tell God the truth about how you feel. I've learned to just talk to God....no scriptures......just me and as I pour out my heart to Him and release the venom inside, the scriptures begin to pour of out me because God is present to allow me to see the truth instead of my feelings.

That is why I said before, feelings don't matter when it comes to your deliverance. Base your love and expectation on God alone and He will restore your relationships with people, but you can't do it yourself. People will never act the way you want them to. Pull your heart towards God and know He hears you even when you're not talking and He wants you to share with him your innermost thoughts.......even if they are about Him because sometimes we are disappointed in God for things not understood. Reach out to Him and see Him as a father. Hold on, even when you don't feel like it because you know He will come through for you and when He does, oh man, abundant living goes to another level!!!!!!!!!

[pleasingforharry]

What’s So Great About Me?

SUMMARY: Y/N wanted to let Harry go because she thought he needed better, but he wasn’t ready to give up on them. It’s a story of fighting each other to love each other.

WORD COUNT: 6.7k

WARNINGS: heavy drinking

-

She wasn’t trying to be an asshole. She told him multiple times that they wouldn’t work. She said it to him in front of all their friends so everyone heard her rejection. But nothing she said stopped him from trying to finally break down the wall she built with steel.

The whole friend group, Harry’s band, were split in the middle. They knew why Y/N had been trying to avoid all of Harry’s feelings towards her, but they also rooted for Harry to win her back again. They all thought it was only a matter of time and patience until Y/N finally admitted why she didn’t want Harry to be with her anymore, and he could fix them.

The band was in the middle of rehearsals in the studio when Y/N entered with a cupholder of drinks. They varied from coffee to fruit smoothies. She tried to sneak in so their session could run uninterrupted, but it was like Harry felt the presence of his joy getting closer. His eyes immediately darted to the door of the studio room and a wide smile curved on his lips.

Sarah and Mitch caught the singer’s line of vision before sharing the same frown. He just didn’t get it. But they were glad he didn’t. Harry and Y/N deserved each other, and it was going to take a lot of work for the stubborn girl to realize that.

Y/N hadn’t yet realized her plan went straight down the drain as she subtly made her way over to Jeff on the couch behind the sound controls. “Hey, stranger,” He exclaimed, patting the seat next to him.

“Hello to my favorite engaged man. Long time, no see. How’ve you been?” Y/N asked as she leaned into his short hug before placing the cup holder on the ground and sitting back in the couch. 

“Wonderful,” He sighed happily.

“Good, that’s what I like to hear. I’m so excited for you both. Tomorrow is going to be simply magical,” She exclaimed. “I just came to bring the band their drinks before I ran some errands.”

“So I’m guessing you’re not gonna stay long enough for Harry to say hi?” He instantly smirked, watching the girl’s cheek tint pink as she dropped her eyes to her interlocked hands on her lap.

She shrugged, “Sarah asked if I could come by to drop their drinks off, that’s all.”

Jeff rested his hand on Y/N’s shoulder and raised a brow at her. She knew exactly what he was saying without even saying it. Y/N laughed and slapped his hand away.

Harry watched his girl chat with Jeff in mild jealously. A smile was prominent on her lips and it frustrated him that he couldn’t get that from her anymore. A guilty frown always stayed around when she was with Harry. He hated it.

“You’re gonna break the poor man’s heart,” Jeff sighed with a disappointed head shake. 

“Well, he has a million fans to piece it back together for him,” Y/N shrugged, standing up from the couch. “I still haven’t forgave you for partnering us up together at the wedding rehearsals.”

Jeff covered his mouth to laugh. “I can’t even begin to explain how hilarious your face was when you were walking down the aisle with him.”

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Ha ha, so funny, Jeffrey.” She unfortunately looked through the glass at the band at the wrong time as Harry immediately caught her eye. His brows raised as he waved at her. 

Y/N wanted to return the gesture but she thought it would be wrong to lead him on in thinking they were okay. So, she just glanced away.

“Now that’s just sad, Y/N,” Jeff chuckled, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just wave back, it’s the least you can do.” Y/N sighed and looked back at Harry, who didn’t stop staring at her, and waved subtly. She didn’t let their eye contact hold for long as she moved to Sarah behind her drum set.

Y/N leaned down to grab her coffee and raised it. Sarah jokingly pumped her fist in the air before motioning Y/N inside the soundproof room. 

“I have to go,” Y/N mouthed with a shake of her head. Sarah gave her a bored look and curled her finger in a hither over motion. Y/N slightly panicked as the rest of the band joined in, calling their good friend inside. Harry watched intensely, smiling reassuringly.

“It would be rude to not say hi,” Jeff spoke just over a whisper, causing Y/N to glance over her shoulder at him. “Just saying.”

“You’re an ass,” She rolled her eyes, “I’ll see you at the wedding tomorrow,” Jeff smiled widely at the reminder of his future wedding and gave Y/N a thumbs up.

Y/N grabbed the cupholder and made her way inside the booth, shyly nodding her head at everyone. She placed the drinks on a random table before darting in Sarah’s direction and standing with her best friend in hopes to excuse a conversation with the one person she wanted to avoid.

“Hey, Y/N. Thanks for the drink,” Sarah exclaimed, standing up from her seat and moving around her drum set. “Are we still on for tonight?” She asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

Y/N stuffed her hands in her back pockets and nodded. Sarah smirked as her eyes wandered behind her friend. Y/N knew exactly who she was looking at, but wouldn’t dare to follow her line of vision.

“What’s tonight?” He asked, bringing his full attention to Sarah and the back of Y/N. Sarah raised her brows as she switched her eyes between the two past lovers. When Y/N didn’t show any effort to turn around and answer his question, Sarah did it for her.

“We were just going to go out for some drinks.”

“Is Mitch going?” He asked, looking over at Mitch sipping on his new coffee. He glanced up at the mention of his name but shook his head as an answer. “So, just you girls?”

Y/N huffed and finally turned to look at Harry. His eyes slightly widened as he didn’t expect her to acknowledge him at all.

“No, you can’t barge in on our girls night to bother me. Wasn’t seeing me here and at the wedding rehearsals enough?” She snapped, before glancing back at Sarah. “I’ll see you later.” 

With that, Y/N didn’t answer to everyone’s quick call of her name as she darted out the studio and into her car. 

She felt bad for the rest of the day. That was an asshole move to snap at him like that in front of everyone and she wanted to apologize but that meant actually talking to him. So, that probably wasn’t going to happen.

Sarah came by Y/N’s house to pick her up so they could head to the bar together. Y/N kept her head down as she approached Sarah’s car, knowing exactly what her face was going to say.

“So,” Sarah smirked as Y/N got in her car, “what was that back there?”

“I’m sorry, that was rude. I’ll probably apologize,” she shrugged.

“Probably?” Sarah lifted a brow. “You mean, you will? That was very rude to yell at him like that, Y/N.”

The girl groaned in her hands, and Sarah decided to not push it anymore.

“We’ll talk about that later.”

When they got to the bar, they found two stools to sit at and immediately ordered their first round of drinks. Y/N didn’t want to drink anything hard as she said she’d be the designated driver home.

Sarah brought up Jeff and Glenne’s wedding and how excited she was for tomorrow. Y/N couldn’t agree more… the only thing was being partnered with Harry during the ceremony. She knew it wouldn’t be for long, but just being near him took a lot of strength.

“The bridesmaids dresses are amazing too. We’re gonna look so hot,” Y/N laughed.

“And the venue. It almost brought a tear to my eye,” Sarah agreed. “At the rehearsal, I couldn’t stop looking around like a tourist.”

“Yeah, I had to pinch your side to bring your attention back to the actual engaged couple.”

“They were too busy playing pretend wedding to notice. I’ll do better tomorrow,” she defended herself.

The girls went silent to enjoy their round of drinks and to bob their heads to the club music. It was just what Y/N needed after a long gross day. Sarah knew her all too well . A girls night was a necessity that night.

“Harry and Mitch are going to ride with us to the wedding, I forget to tell you,” Sarah spoke just over the music and quick enough that Y/N had to take a second to process her words.

“Wait, what? You just said one big word,” she laughed.

“I just… it was Mitch’s idea for you and Harry to carpool with us to the wedding,” she shrugged, trying to make the proposal as nonchalant as possible.

Y/N frowned deeply and kept her mouth completely shut. Sarah waited for her to suddenly burst, but it never came.

The duo had moved their conversation forward, and Sarah took Y/N’s lack of response as a ‘yes’ to carpooling. Harry knew about it already and was completely in. But he wanted Sarah to let Y/N know beforehand so she wouldn’t get in the car and during the whole car ride contemplate jumping out and just walking the rest of the way.

When Sarah could tell her friend was a little loosened up, she tried to ask a burning question that everyone was curious about. Only she could get something out of her best friend. So, everyone counted on Sarah to give them a lead with where Y/N’s head was.

“Hey, be honest, but how have you really been doing, dealing with the breakup?” Sarah asked, taking small sips of her drink. Y/N smirked and bumped shoulders with her best friend.

“Great, I’m single and ready to mingle.”

Sarah scrunched her nose to cringe. “Yeah, right. You still love him, Y/N. You don’t have to hide that from me.”

“No, I don’t. I can speak for myself when I say I’ve moved on a while ago.”

“You just broke up. You were crying and locking yourself in your apartment ever since you talked to him that day,” Sarah furrowed her brows at Y/N. “He was basically the same way. I’m sure he still loves you, babe.”

Y/N shrugged, “I can’t help him with that. Send him on a blind date or something.”

Then Sarah got an idea. A pretty good fucking idea that would put her best friend that she knew very well right in her trap.

“We did.”

Y/N eyes suddenly widened, but she quickly recovered with rapid blinks and scratching her eyelids.

“Oh? How did it go?”

Sarah watched her friend’s expression closely. She was on to something.

“Actually, not bad at all. They went out to dinner then he said she brought him to her house to show him her art room,” Sarah slyly fibbed before bringing her glass to her lips to hide any evidence in her face that she was lying.

Y/N took in her words and simply nodded.

“Oh, that’s great! I’m happy for him,” she forced a painful smile. “What’s her name? What does she look like? Anything like me?” Y/N wanted to immediately smack herself for randomly bursting such pushy questions.

Sarah cocked up her brow. “Sydney, I think. She looks almost like you, but you’re obviously prettier,” she teased, wigging her fingers at her friend. Y/N laughed and shot back the rest of her drink. She needed that burn bad.

“He has some good taste. I’m rooting for them,” Y/N sighed. “Sydney and Harry. Harry and Sydney. Harney? Sydrry? Which one?” She thought out loud.

Sarah snicker under her breath and called the bartender back over for more drinks.

Y/N had zoned out into her own world while Sarah ordered. Her best friend knew exactly what she was thinking about, and she gave her some time to do that. She just waited patiently and sipped proudly on her new drink.

“I wonder if he liked her because she looked like me? Or if she reminded him of me?” Y/N hummed before biting her lip. Sarah shrugged, even though she knew those questions weren’t directed towards her.

“I’ve met her, and I want to say she’s a keeper, but Harry still has some things to figure out.”

“Like what?” Y/N shot back.

Sarah gave her a knowing look. Y/N was a little lost with what she was trying to indicate, so Sarah just said it,

“How he’s going to move on from you. Or if he even wants to.”

“But you said the date went well. And he went to her house.”

“So? They could just see each other as friends. Maybe he just needed a dinner date to refresh himself. You kinda knocked him into this weird phase,” she joked. Y/N didn’t laugh with her, though, as she stared at Sarah blankly.

“Friends? That’s it?”

Sarah shrugged, “I don’t know, Y/N. Maybe talk to him and ask.”

Y/N immediately shook her head at that idea. “Fuck no, I can’t talk to Harry about his new…”

“Friend. I think they’re just friends.”

“Doesn’t matter. Fresh exes can’t talk about that stuff to each other. It’ll only make the break up process harder.”

“Oh does it?” Sarah smirked.

“Don’t give me that look. I know what I’m talking about,” Y/N frowned, before finishing her glass in one go. “Okay, no more Harry, or Simone—“

“Sydney.”

“Yeah her, let’s just have fun,” she exclaimed, waving the bartender over again. “This round is on me.”

The pair ended up drinking more than they were supposed to. Y/N kept thinking about Sarah’s words. Harry had met someone? Who was Sydney? How does he really feel about her? The only way to get those questions out of her head was to burn her throat with more alcohol.

“We should dance. Let’s stop talking about guys, it’s a girls night,” Y/N proposed, sliding off her stool and reaching her hands out for Sarah.

“Are you sure? You hate dancing on crowded floors without Harry,” she asked with slight caution. Y/N rolled her eyes and grabbed her friend.

“I never said that. You all just assume I can’t let loose without Harry by my side. Well guess what, Miss Jones,” she smirked, “I’m ready to fucking party!”

Sarah was worried. Really worried.

Y/N was a sight that caught many eyes while she danced. Her hair went wild and her body unconsciously moved to every beat of the song. She kept Sarah in her arms at most times, because, as she recently denied but knew it was far from true, she was scared to be around all those people without Harry bringing her comfort to let loose.

A few men built up the courage and audacity to stalk over and try for a smooth conversation with Y/N. But as she met eyes with each one, they all lacked what she once had. Beautiful and honest loving green eyes.

“I’d like to buy you a drink,” a dirty blonde requested with his eyes wandering everywhere but Y/N’s face. Sarah held her shoulder from behind and got ready to speak up for her friend, but she was interrupted.

“No thanks,” Y/N replied, politely.

“Why not? It’s on me. Maybe we can get to know each other,” he tried again.

“I’ve had plenty and will be just fine keeping our relationship as purely strangers. Like I said, no thanks,” she shrugged with a pitiful smile for the poor embarrassed guy.

His nose started to flare as he took a bold step forward, hovering over both women from his height. ‘Meh, Harry was taller’, Y/N thought.

“You fucking bitch, you were just whoring yourself on the dance floor and acting like you’re better than everyone here—“

Sarah was positive Y/N could handle the situation, but she couldn’t just watch anymore. She moved to stand beside her friend and crossed her arms.

“Listen dude, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. There are a million other women, and men, here that would love to mingle with you,” she motioned around the three of them.

Y/N nodded, “I don’t think you’d really like to buy this whore a drink anyways. I have a castration kink.” Sarah snorted and bumped hips with her best friend.

The dirty blonde was stunned by both of the women in front of him. And not wanting to spare another minute with them, he rolled his eyes and walked away.

Y/N and Sarah turned to each other and laughed before embracing each other in a tight hug.

Because of that guy ruining the mood, the girls decided to find their way back to the bar to cool off. It was hot and the cold alcohol in their system didn’t really help at all.

“Im going to make a quick call, I’ll be right back,” Sarah had told Y/N, but before she could step away, her arm was grabbed.

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, stay here. I promise it’ll take two seconds,” she assured her friend.

Now Y/N was curious with who Sarah was going to call because she wasn’t welcomed to overhear the conversation. “Who is it?”

“Mitch.”

Y/N still wasn’t convinced that Mitch was a good enough excuse to walk away on her own, but she was a little too lightheaded to even make it outside without falling over. So, she just nodded and shooed Sarah off.

She turned back to the bar and crossed her arms on the table. The bartender that was secretly monitoring the girls until they both left safely had made his way over to Y/N. Her eyes were floaty as she was deep in thought. About who?

Harry.

“Hey, are you okay? Ready for some water?” He asked with a laugh. Y/N tiredly nodded and mouthed a ‘thank you’. “Don’t worry about it. Are you going home soon? Do you need me to call you and you friend an Uber?”

That’s when it hit Y/N. She groaned and hit her forehead softly because she didn’t have the strength to do it any harder.

“That Uber was supposed to be me,” she sighed, looking over her shoulder for Sarah, ready to break the news to her.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, babe.”

Y/N snorted and nodded.

“Let me know when you and your friend are ready to go. I’ll make sure an Uber is here and then just come tomorrow when you’re sober for your car,” he explained. Y/N thanked him with a sweet smile and downed the water he set in front of her.

After what had felt like forever, Sarah finally made it back with loud pants. Y/N patted the stool next to her and pushed a glass of water closer for her to drink.

“You were gone for a long time, what the hell happened?” Y/N frowned at her. “You and Mitch argued?” Sarah shook her head and glanced over her shoulder.

“Okay, don’t hate me but—“ she turned Y/N’s stool around so she could completely face her friend.

Y/N immediately started to laugh. “I love when you start sentences like that.”

“We’re a little too drunk to drive home so I called someone to pick us up,” Sarah explained, cautiously watching Y/N face.

“Okay? Mitch? Why would I hate you?” Y/N cocked a brow up. Sarah sighed and bit her lip.

Just then, the one person she didn’t want to see came up behind Sarah with a frantic look on his face. Y/N’s eyes widened at her friend, ready to pounce on her.

“Are you fucking serious, Sarah!?”

Harry.

He maneuvered past Sarah right to Y/N and held her face. “What happened? Did someone touch you? Was something put in your drink? What—“

Y/N stared at him dumbfounded and placed her hands on his chest. “Harry, calm down. Wait a second, you’re talking too fast.”

Harry stopped, taking a breath to compose himself. Sarah just watched with a slight smirk on her face.

“I’m sorry, I was fucking worried sick when Sarah asked me to take you both home,” Harry explained, letting his hands slide from Y/N’s cheeks to her shoulders.

Y/N leaned her head to the side to look over at Sarah. “What did you tell him? Nothing happened.”

“I tried to tell him that you just weren’t comfortable driving home because you drank a lot, but he wouldn’t let me finish my sentence. He just hung up and drove here,” she raised her arms in surrender before flicking the back of Harry’s head.

Y/N rolled her eyes at him. “Are you serious?”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay,” he sighed. “Let’s go.”

Sarah reached for Y/N’s arm and interlocked them as they followed Harry to his car. Y/N aimed for the backseat, but Harry was quick to open the passenger seat and called her name. Sarah bumped her hip and told her to sit next to him.

“You both are a pain in the ass,” she grumbled, using Harry’s shoulder as leverage to step up into his Range Rover. He placed his hand on top of hers until she was settled in her seat. He made sure to move her seat forward as she liked to be close to the dashboard.

Sarah peeked her head forward to watch them from the backseat. Y/N wasn’t complaining about his silent assistance as she had seen it as normal. He was always gentlemen like, and she knew he wouldn’t change that just because they weren’t together anymore.

“That close enough or more?” He quietly asked, glancing up at her.

“I like it here, thank you,” she nodded. He smiled and shut her door before jogging to his side of the car. Sarah reached forward to rub Y/N’s arm for her attention.

“How ya feeling?” She asked her friend.

“Tired,” Y/N shrugged as Harry situated himself in the car. He didn’t drive right away as he pulled out his phone to text Mitch that he retrieved both of the girls. “How about you?”

Sarah chuckled, “Sore from all that dancing.” Y/N joined her and nodded in agreement. Harry glanced an eye at Y/N.

“You hate dancing while drunk. Especially without me there to be on lookout,” he commented. Y/N rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Well I guess I got over that. I don’t need you around anymore,” she muttered the last part just loud enough for him to hear.

Harry looked at Sarah through the rear view mirror, and they both shared a weird expression. “Did anyone touch her?”

“Oh my god, Harry,” Y/N laughed as Harry pulled out of the bar’s parking lot. “Sarah, do not answer him.”

“You’re too stubborn to admit if something happened to you without me there,” he snarled at her, annoyed. Y/N knew he was right, but she still took offense to that.

“Oh please, you just assume I can’t live, or even breathe, without you there. Newsflash Harry, my life doesn’t revolve around you. I’m very capable of having fun and staying safe without you there,” Y/N argued back as she pointed at him. Sarah watched cautiously, switching her eyes between the past lovers.

Harry knew it wasn’t the right time to fight with her because she was drunk and Sarah was present, so he locked his jaw and kept his eyes on the road. Y/N smirked proudly as she assumed she won that argument.

“Some guys came up to her, but she was able to take care of them just fine, Harry. She was amazing back there,” Sarah finally spoke up to ease the obvious tension. She could practically see Harry internally relax as his shoulders drop.

Y/N reached over to flick the side of Harry’s head and giggled. “Impressed?” She asked while wiggling her brows at him.

“Very, but not because I’m surprised, but because I knew you had it in you all along. You didn’t need me,” he answered, monotony. He returned Y/N’s flicking gesture, but on her thigh as he didn’t want to look away from the busy road to find her temple.

She sighed, “I did, actually.”

“Do you still need me?” He boldly asked. The car got loudly quiet that Harry immediately regretted his question. He glanced at Sarah, but she only smiled sincerely.

Y/N didn’t answer, and she never did. She decided to keep her response to herself because she didn’t want to know what that meant next for the past lovers.

Harry pulled up to Sarah’s house first, and Mitch was standing at the end of their driveway. He waved at Y/N in the passenger seat while she rolled the window down.

“I’m guessing you girls had a nice night,” He laughed, opening the back door to retrieve Sarah. Y/N shrugged before looking behind her seat. 

“Night, Sarah,” She sighed. “I had fun.”

“We’ll talk more about this,” Sarah pointed at her as Mitch helped her out the car. She came to the window and looked at Harry. “Thank you again for getting us.”

He waved it off, “Of course. Night, Sarah. Night, Mitch.” Y/N blew a kiss to the both of them as they walked up to their house.

Harry waited until the couple made it safe in their house before heading to Y/N’s house. She kept her head laid against the headrest and fluttered her eyes closed. Harry consistently glanced over at her and smiled. Y/N was glad he wasn’t trying to force a conversation like she assumed he would. Just being alone with her was enough for him.

The drive wasn’t long, but for Y/N, it felt like hours. She listened to him quietly hum and tap his fingers against the wheel. The silence was getting uncomfortable as the seconds passed.

“Do you need me to help you get to your room?” Harry suddenly asked her. 

“Nope,” She immediately answered, shaking her head. He sighed and decided to try again.

“You can’t walk in a straight line, Y/N.”

She laughed, “You showing up at the bar definitely sobered me up.”

“You were too drunk to drive home. I came to make sure you both got home safely. Sorry that I care,” Harry scoffed, pulling up to Y/N’s block. “We’re here.”

Y/N finally opened her eyes and looked out at the window to see her house in view. She sighed in relief and unbuckled her seatbelt.

“Thanks,” She muttered to Harry without looking at him. 

“I’ll see you at the wedding tomorrow. Get some sleep and make sure you take something in the morning,” He told her as she got out of his car.

Y/N was about to dart towards her house, but she suddenly turned around to say something, catching Harry off guard. She huffed before finally looking at him. His eyes slightly lit up as he anticipated her words. But was definitely humbled in a split second.

“Can we not speak at the wedding? Like, at all?” She asked. “I know we are partners, but I just… I can’t think about you like I know I will if you talk to me,” she tried to explain nicely.

Harry bit his lip and gave her a hurt look. She groaned and leaned against the door as the window was rolled down.

“It’s Jeff and Glenne’s day and you want to focus solely on them. I get it,” he shrugged.

“Let me rephrase myself. Can we just not talk about us? I can’t handle that conversation and pretend to be fine at the wedding,” she proposed.

Harry smiled sincerely at her new request and nodded. He could do that. Maybe?

“Of course, Y/N.” She rolled her lips inwards and started to back away but almost tripped over her own feet. “Are you sure you don’t need any help getting inside?”

“I’m a strong independent woman, Harold. I got this,” she yelled, spinning around and attempting to walk in a straight line to her house.

Harry was contemplating to ignore Y/N’s wishes and just bring her upstairs, but he chose the latter. The more he got on her bad side, the harder it would be to win her back.

So, he stayed in his car and watched her somehow make it inside.

-

The wedding was beautiful. Y/N couldn’t help but shed a few tears as she listened to Jeff’s vows. One thing she didn’t notice was that Harry was watching her all night. He couldn’t help but awe at the bridesmaid dress she wore. Even though she was matching with the other girls, she still was the most breathtaking.

And before the doors opened for the ceremony, Harry had Y/N’s arm tangled around his. He looked down at her and smiled as she nervously chewed the inside of her mouth.

“You look great,” Harry whispered to her. Y/N was pulled out of her trance to look up at him. She smiled shortly, before looking back straight. “What’s on your mind?”

Y/N shook her head. “Nothing.”

Harry knew Y/N too well and it was obvious something else was on her mind. But now wasn’t the time to press the topic. So, he just set it in the back of his head for the time being.

“Well, don’t be a stranger, you can tell me anything.”

Y/N nodded politely, “Thanks, Harry.”

While they stood across the room from each other, lined up with the other bridesmaids and groomsmen, Harry couldn’t keep his eyes off of Y/N. He took notice every time she shifted her weight from one leg to the other. When she tilted her head up to push tears back in her eyes, he smiled. Anytime she sucked in a hard breath, he watched. 

The afterparty was fun for Y/N at first. She stayed with Sarah and their other friends. She was dancing and drinking, enjoying the rest of the night. Harry couldn’t contain the smile on his face as he watched her. She was happy, and that made him ecstatic.

Y/N’s head began to float, so she excused herself and returned to her assigned seat. A waitress brought her some simple wine to help her relax and unwind, which she gratefully accepted.

The music suddenly turned slow, encouraging couples who haven’t touched the dance floor to meet together and fall in love all over again. Y/N stayed lonely in her chair, sipping melancholy on her rich wine. She tried to watch everyone share smiles with their loved ones as they swayed to the music, but it just stung that she couldn’t feel that peace.

Sarah watched her best friend from the corner of her eye and sighed. She didn’t know what she could do in that moment to help her because they were brutally surrounded by new and old love. 

She wasn’t the only one staring at Y/N from afar. Harry stood against a hidden wall with a hard frown on his face. He wanted so bad to grab Y/N and swoop her off her feet to the dance floor. But she had to make it clear that she didn’t want him to make the night about them.

“Hey,” Harry heard while a hand slid on his shoulder. It was Sarah.

“Hey, what’s up? Mitch didn’t want to dance so you need a partner now?” He smirked as she rolled her eyes and hit his arm.

“I’m not the one who needs a dance partner,” She flickered her eyes to Harry’s original view. “I’ve seen you watching her this whole time. Go dance with her.”

Harry shook his head and rolled his lips inwards. Sarah was a little baffled that he suddenly started to give up. Harry would take any opportunity he could get to be near Y/N, so why wasn’t he taking it now?

“She needs you to keep trying, Harry. Even if she tells you to stop, you need to work harder. Please don’t give up on her,” Sarah pleaded. “She needs you so much that she thinks it’s hurting you.”

“What?” Harry finally broke his eyes from Y/N to look over at Sarah.

“She doesn’t think she’s good enough for you or your career. She’s been insecure about herself since the day you started dating,” Sarah explained. “I won’t tell you everything she’s said to me because that’s for her to one day express to you. But for now, just win her back. Please.”

She needs him so much that she thinks it’s hurting him.

It was like something clicked in Harry’s head. He excused himself from Sarah and darted straight in Y/N’s direction.

She sighed again, checking her phone to see when it was a good time to pretend she was too tired to stay any longer. Everyone around her could’ve partied for another two hours, but Y/N didn’t have it in her to smile like she was happy to be there anymore.

Her nails traced the designs on her plate as the other sipped on her wine.

“Dance with me,” Y/N had heard over her. She looked behind her to find Harry with his hand out and a hopeful smile.

She cringed slightly, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m all about bad ideas.”

Y/N shook her head and hugged herself. “Really Harry, we shouldn’t. Maybe somebody else?”

Harry sighed before snagging the seat next to hers and scooting close enough that their legs slotted between each others. “I’ve seen you watching everyone dance. You want to be like them.”

“I do,” Y/N admitted, smiling at Jeff and Glenne slowly dancing, cheek to cheek. 

Harry said he’d try to not make the night about them like she asked, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted her to know that he could fix them.

“Then dance with me. Let’s be like them. Just for tonight,” Harry tried again, reaching for Y/N’s chin to lift her eyes to him. He hated seeing the permanent frown that sat on her lips when he was around. He just wanted her to smile.

“But we aren’t them. We can’t be them anymore.”

Harry grabbed Y/N’s hands and guided her out of her seat. That time, Y/N simple accepted it and followed his lead.

“So, let’s pretend.”

“Harry, I feel like I’m playing with your feelings if I do that. It’s wrong to lead you on like that,” Y/N complained, but still let him walk her to the dance floor. Harry shrugged and smiled at her.

“I want to pretend to be them with you, Y/N. Don’t overthink it.”

Y/N sighed, realizing that Harry wasn’t getting it, and he probably wouldn’t for awhile. So, in the meantime, she’d accept his offer in their game of pretend. Because just for that night, she wanted to be like everyone else slowly dancing with their love under the wide sky.

In the moment, it just felt so right.

Harry had his hands tight on Y/N’s hips as they swayed to the subtle music around them. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her right there, but he knew she was going to move her head to the side for it to land on her cheek.

“Look at me, pretty,” He whispered, making sure their chests were solid against each other. Y/N shook her head and kept her eyes on his peeking sparrow tattoos. “I’m not letting you forget what happened between us go so easily, Y/N. I’m going to make you open up to me so we can work this out.”

“I can’t,” She whispered, hugging herself against him so she could slot her head in his shoulder. “Why won’t you let me go? There are so many girls who would be lucky to have you.”

Harry chuckled, “That girl is you, Y/N.” The girl sighed and shook her head in his shoulder.

“You’re annoying,” She huffed, earning a soft laugh from Harry. “I shouldn’t be dancing with you.”

“I wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else,” Harry turned his head to kiss her temple, but kept his lips there afterwards. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Y/N. God, I can’t let you go.” Harry’s voice quivered and he tried to cover it was a cough, but Y/N knew her presence made him sad.

She tangled her fingers in his curls as he continued slow circles on her hips.

“We weren’t together for that long, Harry.”

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?” He asked, bluntly ignoring her last comment. “Everyone in here is wearing the most glittery, eye-catching outfits ever but you still outshine them effortlessly.”

Y/N mustered up the strength to pull her head back and meet eyes with the man she wanted to escape from. He smiled softly and brought his nose close enough to touch hers. Out of an inevitable habit, she wiggled their noses together to symbolize a ‘butterfly kiss’.

“Sarah said you were seeing someone. That’s nice. Sydney, was it?” Y/N asked with a sweet smile, holding his jaw to brush her thumb against his cheek. Harry immediately relaxed into her touch and hummed in satisfaction.

“She was lying, Y/N.”

“Wait, what?” She paused with furrowed brows. Harry shrugged, and reminded himself to scold Sarah about that later. “But she said you guys—“

“She probably said it so it would make you feel less guilty or whatever if you thought I was over you,” Harry answered nonchalantly, watching her expression fall like he expected. “I just want you. No matter how long you’ll make me wait for you, I’ll be right here when you’re ready.”

Y/N sighed in frustration. “I don’t want to hold you back from a relationship you deserve. Go out and find the right one, Harry. Please.”

Harry's face dropped, his hands slipping from her hips. “Am I scaring you? Or just making you uncomfortable?” Y/N panicked, realizing she may of gave off the wrong signal. She wasn’t scared of Harry, but of the hurt she could cause him.

She immediately shook her head and boldly kissed his cheek. “Never, Harry. I feel so safe around you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to find better.”

“That doesn’t exist for me, Y/N. Why can’t you understand that? It’s not easy to one day hear that we weren’t meant to be and that I need to move on like it’s a simple task. Y/N, you are my world. I would stop my tour and end my career if that’s what it takes to be with you,” Harry argued with her, grabbing her hands from his neck and interlocking them. He held their joined hands between each other and looked down at their matching nail polish.

Y/N rolled her lips inward as she rested her forehead against Harry’s. “I won’t let you do this to yourself. I’m not good enough and I want you to find better.”

“I won’t let you do this to yourself, either,” Harry interrupted her. “We will figure this out, one way or another, but you are not losing me so easily. I’ll follow your pace, okay?” Y/N squeezed her eyes shut as she shook her head again.

She wanted him so fucking bad, but she wasn’t enough. He didn’t see it yet because he was so focused on the present. She could see that she’d end up ruining everything. She wasn’t good for anyone and deserved to be alone. It was hard enough to let Harry go, but now he wouldn’t accept it.

“Day by day, baby. Let’s work through this,” Harry brought his lips close to hers. “Can you help me fix us? I need your help.”

“I’m not good at this.”

“That’s fine, Y/N. We can work on that, but you can’t keep pushing me away, alright?” She wanted to fight his idea because she didn’t deserve someone to fight for her. “I’m going to take care of us.”

“I’m sorry,” Y/N looked Harry in the eye, trying to express the sorrow she felt. He shook his head and smiled lightly at her.

“I’m sorry too.”

Y/N looked at him, confusedly. “For what?”

“For making you feel like you weren’t enough for me. But I’m going to do better,” he tried his best to smile but it was filled with sadness.

“Harry—“

“I love you so much, angel. We’ll get through this.”

Y/N decided to stop fighting him. She didn’t want to anymore, so she smiled. And she nodded. She was going to do better. She was going to give it a try.

“It’s me and you, Y/N.”

“Me and you.”

-

Disgusting, I hate love :/

[absolutelyfizzing]

little dove

loki x reader

description - Loki acted so caring around you, more so than anyone else in his life. He loved to take care of you, especially when you had a long day, and he got teased by some of the team for it.

warnings - fem reader, cute loki and pet names, implications of gender fluid loki?, reader gets picked up, slight implications of a nsfw theme the night before

word count - 1900

A/N - this is a pretty plotless blurb but i just love this man, i have been obsessed with the new series and just wanted to write anything about him. i will inevitably be writing for him more so please end me now. there are no spoilers for the new series and it takes place in an AU after new york but pretty much otherwise out of timeline. all the avengers live at the compound together, endgame didnt happen and no i wont talk about it.

MASTERLIST

Loki was not someone who was overly friendly. To most of the people in the compound, he was courteous at best. That rule, however, was bent occasionally. The only exceptions were you and his brother (some of the time). He had been smitten with you the moment he saw you though he would never admit it. You were bubbly and light and the exact opposite of him. You were so friendly and kind that it almost made him want to be the same.

You were kind to him, which he was shocked by. Most of the people in the compound tolerated him but they were never caught being too nice. You, on the other hand, were friendly to him the day you met him.

You weren't an Avenger, you weren't really even a fighter. You were a genius in the medical field as well as the unofficial caretaker of everyone on the team. You made sure that they all ate, they didn't overwork themselves, that they were getting enough sleep every night because they were your closest friends. Everyone listened to you. You had this power over them all that they just wanted to make sure you were happy and that meant they wanted to do what you asked of them. They tried their best to take care of you as well.

When you met Loki and were very nice to him, he expected some ulterior motive. He assumed that there was something you wanted or that you would gain his trust and then humiliate him later. So he kept his guard up. This was proved wrong over the months to come. He noticed that you were that kind to everyone and you were just happy to be around other people. He let you in over time.

You became the only person who he opened up to, even more than his brother. You would keep him company even when he lashed out at others and when he was filled with guilt. You forgave him for his past without question and opened up to him as well. It took probably 3 months for Loki to realize that he was in love with you.

He couldn't believe himself. In love with a midgardian? What was he thinking?

But it was undeniable and uncontrollable. He just couldn't help himself. You would read to him and watch movies with him. You would braid his hair when he was stressed and would teach him how to cook when he asked. You were just everything to him. It took him a long time to confess. He was terrified that you would reject him. You could have had anyone you wanted, why would you choose him?

When he did confess, you were thrilled and he couldn't believe it. You kissed him and he thought he could die happy right then and there. He had never felt this much love for anyone besides his mother.

You continued to break his walls down and he fell deeper in love with you every day. He didn't, however, change his behavior towards others very much. He had grown closer to the team, having regained some trust from them all. He was no longer aggressive and he tried very hard not to lash out. Most of that was out of his own desire to be trusted. He realized that he was going to have to make his life work to remain with you and he slowly learned that most of the people in the compound weren't actually as awful as he might have originally guessed. That didn't mean that his personality changed toward them though. He was still slightly cold and short. He wouldn't smile too much and he was what some might call grumpy most of the time.

That only changed around you and everyone noticed. Loki got teased for it constantly and he couldn't care less. He just wanted to make you happy and he had no regard for what anyone thought of your relationship.

He was waiting patiently in the common area of the compound on the couch. Steve and Rhodey were sat on the couch watching something that Loki didn't recognize or care for, it was some kind of reality TV. When he heard the elevator door open he looked toward the door and you were walking towards him. A grin spread over his face and his posture relaxed. He could hear the men on the couch scoff at his sudden change in demeanor. When you got close to him he picked you up and pulled you to straddle his hips on his lap and immediately began kissing all over you. You buried your face in his chest and he kissed your hair.

"How are you, my love?" He mumbled sweetly and you hummed. "Long day?" he questioned and you nodded in affirmation. "Lets go get you some food then, yes?" He asked lightly and you hummed happily. He picked you up and you clung to him, arms and legs wrapping around him. He carried you with ease toward the kitchen. It shocked you sometimes how much he could lift and how easily he lifted you but you had to remind yourself that he was indeed a god.

"How come you never treat us that way?" Rhodey called from the couch and Loki grumbled a bit.

"Oh I'm sorry did you want me to pick you up and make you some tea?" He asked sarcastically and you giggled from where your face was pressed into his chest. He smiled at the fact that he had gotten you to laugh and he set you on the countertop. He tried to pull away to make you some food but you did not let him leave you, still holding on to the front of the shirt that he was wearing. "Do you want to talk about your day?" He asked sweetly, kissing your forehead lightly. You gazed up at him lovingly and his heart skipped a beat.

"I'm just tired. People are annoying and I didn't exactly sleep much last night." You winked at the last part. He smirked at your comment.

"I'm sorry, my love. I was under the impression that you enjoyed what we did last night but I would be happy to give you plenty of time to sleep tonight if that's what you would prefer." he teased and you punched him lightly in the chest.

"Okay fine you're right, I like getting kept up." You confessed. You paused for a moment and his eyes remained on you as he waited patiently for you to continue. "I was mistaken for an intern again today. You would think that after over a year of working here that people would recognize my name and my work but today there were some new investors walking through the facility. When they came to look at my work they started to talk to one of my coworkers and then turned to me to ask me to get them a coffee order while they waited for the doctor to arrive." You grumbled, your mood now sour at the memory. Loki frowned and he felt his anger begin to take shape inside of him. His eyes flashed green for a moment.

"Would you like me to go and teach them a lesson? Perhaps just to mildly terrify them?" he asked, fully serious. That cheered you up plenty and you chuckled. Loki knew that you were laughing because of the absurdity of his statement and the fact that he was dead serious but he was just happy to see you smile again. "I will never understand the midgardian obsession with gender roles. Though I suppose my own identity is more fluid than most asgardians as well." He confessed and you brought your hand to rest on the side of his face. He leaned his head into your hand as he beamed at you. You loved when he compared his home to yours. It reminded you just how powerful he was and that he still chose to spend his days with you. There was suddenly a flash of green before he held his hand out to you, now holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers. When you gasped and moved to grab them he slipped from your grasp to move towards the refrigerator.

"Hey that's not fair, you tricked me." You pouted at him, now grumbling that you couldn't hold him anymore.

"Little dove, I cannot make you food when you hold onto me. When I am finished cooking then you can stay with me for as long as you would like." He promised and you nodded solemnly. He quickly pressed another kiss to your cheek before moving around the kitchen to prepare you waffles as he often did when you were having a long day. You observed the beautiful flowers in your hand and watched him as he moved around the kitchen, a million times more comfortable than he had been when he first moved into the compound. You talked contentedly with the people passing by as well as the man who was diligently trying to improve your mood. Occasionally one of the other team members would walk by and laugh a bit at how caring he was acting toward you, all of them just happy you were content though. Eventually Thor stopped by while Loki put some batter into the waffle iron and sliced some fruit.

"You know, this is the happiest I have ever seen him." He stated simply, a smile in is voice.

"It's the happiest I've been too." You responded with a small grin.

"The last time I saw him open up to someone the way that he opens up to you was on Asgard with our mother. She would be happy to see him being so vulnerable again." He patted your back and walked away as tears started to come to your eyes. The brothers would talk of their mother sometimes and Loki often mention the fact that he believed she would have loved you, if not for your own personality then for what you did for her son. You wished that you could meet her.

You were suddenly taken out of your thoughts by someone handing you a plate of waffles and sliced up fruit with a little container of syrup on the side. You looked up at Loki and nearly cried right there. You put the plate aside for a moment to reach out and pull him into a crushing hug. He was a bit startled but responded quickly, a hand going to the back of your head and his fingers brushing through your hair soothingly.

"Did something happen, my love?" He asked softly and you sniffled a bit.

"Just love you and I'm very thankful for everything you do for me." You got out and he affirmed to himself that he would die for you in an instant.

"I love you too, darling, but I slaved away at those waffles and now they are getting cold." He teased and he kissed your hair gently. You took a deep breath before pulling away, looking up at him with love. You smiled and then hopped off of the counter. He walked with you over to the dining table where he sat next to you and serenely waited as you ate, the food lifting your spirits a bit and easing your anxiety of the day. You planned on spending the rest of it with the man next to you as well as every day after that.

[redrobin-detective]

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached. 

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control. 

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule. 

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown. 

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments. 

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand. 

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents. 

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture. 

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...

[sunkissedpages]

instead of you [part sixteen]

pairing: [best friend’s brother] tom holland x college!reader

summary: you didn’t expect to spend your summer pretending to be your best friend’s girlfriend- then again, you didn’t expect to fall for your best friend’s brother, either.

warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, smut (18+) additional warnings under the cut

word count: 3.1k

series masterlist

smut warnings: female masturbation, porn, mentions of choking

“‘We’? Like, you and me?” you clarified, hoping you had misunderstood.

“Yeah, it’ll only take a second,” Tom assured you.

You looked to Sam for help, but he looked just as lost as you were. “I’ll go try and find a microwave to heat up your leftovers,” he offered and took the container back from you. “I’ll be right back, babe.”

“Okay...”

You watched him shrug past both you and Tom and then disappear into the hallway with a sinking feeling in your chest, knowing he trusted you completely. He had no reason not to, and that’s what consumed you. 

“What do you want?” you muttered, reluctantly stepping to the side to let Tom in. 

He didn’t answer right away, giving you a moment to collect yourself. His eyes followed you around the room as you found your pants and tugged them on. He averted his gaze when he realized you were getting dressed mumbling a “sorry” as he trained his eyes on the carpet. 

You sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to explain why he was there. 

“You weren’t there today,” was all he said. 

You blinked. “Yeah?”

“Was it because of me?”

“I wasn’t feeling well.”

Tom’s tongue poked at the inside of his cheek. “Is that all?”

“I had a lot to drink last night,” you reminded him. 

“So you don’t remember anything?”

“I never said that.”

“So it was because of me?”

“I never said that either.” You sighed. “If you’re here to ask me if I told him you kissed me, I didn’t. And you could’ve just texted me to ask.”

“No that’s not why- I don’t have your number anyway.”

“I’m in the trip group chat with your family.”

“Oh, right. I’ll save it to my contacts.”

The tension in the room was palpable. It felt like all of the air had been sucked out and replaced with thick, suffocating silence. Arbitrarily, you wondered who the most famous person in his phone was. He was a Marvel actor, he probably had Simu Liu’s number, right? Who would your contact information be sitting in between? Maybe if you ever forgave him for what he did you could ask him. 

“Is something funny?” The firmness of Tom’s voice cut through your train of thought and brought you back to the present. “Why are you smiling?”

“It doesn’t matter,” you said despondently. “Sam’s gonna be back soon. What did you want?”

“I just wanted to check up on you. Sam said you were sick.”

“Oh, so you wanted to see if I was lying?”

“No! God, why is it so hard to believe that I’m genuinely concerned about you?”

“Because last night you only seemed concerned about yourself.”

Tom pursed his lips and shoved his hands in his pockets, expelling a breath harshly. “Okay, I deserved that.”

You hummed in agreement, and let your eyes trail down the veins of his arms to where they disappeared into his pockets. It looked like he was fiddling with a coin or something small, but you couldn’t tell. 

“Are you feeling better?” he said the last part through gritted teeth.

“Yes, thank you. This chat has helped considerably.”

Tom rolled his eyes. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“Well, lucky for you I’m not your problem to deal with. I'm Sam’s.”

He flexed his hand in his pocket and sighed. “Okay, well, I also wanted to apologize again for...” the word kiss seemed to die on his lips, poetic irony at its finest. “Being a dick.” Less poetic. 

He finally fished his hand out of his pocket, holding a delicate piece of paper between his pointer and index fingers. He shifted uncomfortably where he was leaning against the dresser. “We went to the Academic Gallery today. I saw this in the gift shop and thought of you.” He presented you with what turned out to be a postcard, creased down the middle unevenly and smudged with pen ink.

You turned it over to look at the front first, admiring the artwork printed on it. It was a picture of Michelangelo’s David drawn in swoopy black lines and filled in with watercolor paint. Instead of a museum, the statue was in the middle of a garden, the centerpiece among dozens upon dozens of flowers. 

 “Sorry it’s folded,” he mumbled. “It wouldn’t fit in my pocket.”

You flipped it over to read the back only to see iou scribbled in his handwriting and nothing else. You turned it over again to see if you had missed something on the front, but there was nothing.

You looked up at him in confusion. “Iou?” 

“Yeah, you know... I feel really bad about last night, and I don’t really know how to make it up to you so I’m letting you decide.”

“That’s not really how it works.”

“I think that this counts as an exception, since we’re kind of in uncharted territory.”

“Maybe for you. My boyfriend’s brothers make out with me all the time.”

“Fuck you, I didn’t make out with you- it was barely a peck.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “It was more than a peck.”

His cheeks were beginning to grow pink with what you couldn’t tell was either embarrassment or frustration. He cleared his throat awkwardly and changed the subject. “Anyway, if you ever need a favor or anything, just let me know. Think of it as me owing you one.”

“And do I have to give back the postcard when I cash in this ‘favor’?” you asked.

“No, you can keep it.”

“Good, because I was going to keep it anyway.”

He chuckled in spite of himself and shook his head. “Knew you’d like it.”

You flattened the card on your lap, smiling as you tried to iron out the little crease with your fingers. 

“It’s pretty, thank you.”

Tom nodded in acknowledgement and straightened his posture. “I should get going. I just wanted to give you that, and see how you were doing since tomorrow’s a travel day and I know you get a little motion sick sometimes. I didn’t want... whatever you’d come down with to make it worse.”

How did he know that? Had Sam told him? You didn’t have time to ask because he was already walking towards the door. He paused when he reached it and turned his head towards you, hand already on the knob. 

“Good night, y/n.”

“Good night, Tom.”

  He opened the door and let himself out into the hallway, catching it suddenly on his foot as he saw Sam coming off the elevator. Tom held the door for Sam, since his hands were full, and then said goodnight to his brother as he finally left.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find the microwave,” he explained. “I had to ask the night manager and they heated it up in the break room for me.”

“Oh, Sam, you didn’t have to do that! I would’ve eaten it cold.”

“I know you would have, and that’s why I’m not letting you.” You gave him a look, which he ignored and handed you the container of food. “It’s carbonara, it’s one of the things Rome is known for. I couldn’t have you eating it lukewarm.” 

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He ran a hand through his hair and took a seat next to you on the edge of the bed, pulling the ottoman closer to use it as a makeshift table. He watched as you tried the first bite, gauging your reaction. It was something he did whenever he cooked for you, especially if he was trying out a new recipe. He always needed your approval, and valued it above anybody else’s. But he hadn’t even made this, and as his eyes searched your face you found yourself wondering if they were looking for something else. 

“Do you like it?” 

You breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Your paranoia was starting to get the better of you. “It’s delicious,” you assured him. “I’m sad I missed dinner.”

“I’m sad you missed the whole day. Spending time with my family without you was hell.”

“Oh come on, it’s probably good that you got some real family time.”

“It’s real family time when you’re there. It felt like something was missing.” 

You let a small smile slip past your lips despite the guilt that bubbled under the surface. You pushed it down and took another bite of the carbonara. 

“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you? It can’t have all been bad. Tell me about the good stuff. I wanna hear that.”

Sam nodded and pushed his curls back again, grinning like he’d been caught. “Fine, maybe there were some okay moments.”

“And what were they?”

“We went to the Accademia Gallery today. I think you would have really liked it. They had a whole wing of instruments from some of the most famous inventors and musicians from history. They even had pianos from Bartolomeo Cristorfori, the inventor of the piano.”

“Wow,” you said, impressed. “I bet it was beautiful.”

“Of course if it was played, it wouldn’t sound anything like the piano we’re used to hearing today, but I’m sure it would still sound incredible.”

“Even if it hasn’t been tuned in a few hundred years?”

It was his turn to give you a look. “Yes, of course.”

“Sorry.”

“And they had a Strativerius, I don’t even want to know how valuable that thing is. It must cost millions. I took some pictures for you, but I know they won’t compare to the real thing. The lighting in museums never does the art justice.”

He handed his phone to you to scroll through. You swiped the photos, smiling whenever you came across a selfie he’d taken with a statue or painting. You reached the pictures of David and couldn’t help but zoom in on-

“Hey!” Sam yelped and grabbed his phone back from your hands.

“What!”

“Michelangelo would be so ashamed of you! I bet he’s rolling in his grave right now.”

“No way! If anyone appreciated good dick, it was Michelangelo.” 

“Unbelievable.” 

“If you don’t want me to judge these statue’s penises, don’t take pictures of them.”

“I didn’t take pictures of their penises! I took pictures of the whole statue- you’re zooming in on- you know what, nevermind. Arguing with you about this is pointless.”

“Smart boy.”

Sam rolled his eyes at you and put his phone in his back pocket. “Oh yeah, did Tom give you that postcard?”

“He told you about that?” you asked, suddenly panicking. Sam hadn’t said anything about last night so far, but maybe Tom had-

“Yeah, said he wanted to give you an iou for the limoncello last night.”

“What?”

“He said you paid the tab for it since he left his wallet in the room and that he wanted to pay you back for it.”

“Oh. Right.”

Another lie. You had very much not paid for the drinks last night. Tom had. And you knew he had to make an excuse for why he was buying his brother’s girlfriend something from the gift shop, but to add another lie to the ever-growing list made your throat burn with regret. You wouldn’t be able to keep the secret forever, and it was only a matter of time before everything came crashing down around you. 

-

In the morning you took the train from Rome to Naples, and then took a taxi to Sorrento to spend the last bit of your week in Italy by the sea. The atmosphere was much more relaxed than it had been in the busy cities of Rome and Florence. Even though there were still hordes of tourists, they were far more dispersed and less overbearing than you expected. The whole town seemed slowed down, like it had escaped the chokehold of time. 

Sam’s parents took everyone out to lunch by the water and went over the schedule for the next day and a half. 

“So, you’re on your own after dinner tonight, and then tomorrow morning we’re going to take the ferry to Capri for the day before our flight that night,” Nikki explained as she read through the spreadsheet on her phone. 

“There’s an Irish pub down the street from our hotel,” Harry said. “Do you guys want to go after we eat tonight?”

“I’m down,” Sam agreed. 

“Sounds good,” Tom chimed in.

The boys all looked at you for your answer, but you hesitated. Thinking about what happened the last time you drank didn’t make you eager to do it again, and you were already exhausted from travelling.

“I’ll pass.”

“What? Why?” Sam asked, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout.

You leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder with a sigh. “I’m tired, and I’d rather go somewhere Italian... since we’re in Italy.”

Harry shrugged. “Your loss.”

“We’ll have a shot in your honor, babe,” Sam said and pressed a kiss to your temple. 

“Please don’t. Something tells me you’ll have plenty to drink without an extra shot for me.”

“You know us so well.”

After dinner, you walked back to the hotel with the Hollands and said good night to Sam’s parents before parting ways to your separate rooms. Sam went with you to change into clothes for going out while you changed into pajamas. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go?”

You nodded from where you were on the bed and yawned. Sam didn’t push any further, instead resolving to finish getting ready in silence. He paired his black jeans with a pair of converse and a dark green button up over a black t-shirt. 

He turned to you for approval.

“Fake girlfriend approved?”

“Fake girlfriend approved,” you repeated and gave him a thumbs up. 

“Okay, well I’m headed out,” he announced. 

“Have fun! Don’t kiss any cute girls without me!” 

It was something you always said to each other, but it sounded strange since it was supposed to be coming from his girlfriend. Sam just chuckled and blew you a kiss as he let himself out. 

You heard him greet his brothers outside and then listened to their footsteps fade into the distance before pulling up an incognito window on your phone. It had been weeks since you’d been able to get off and it was killing you. The amount of stress this trip had given you only made it worse. You were wound so tight that you were sure you’d snap soon if you didn’t get some relief. 

And you thought that maybe if you rubbed one out it might help you forget about... the confusing feelings you had for your best friend’s brother. 

Seeing as you had the night to yourself, you figured you might as well take advantage of it. You copied a link from your notes app and pasted the url into the address bar. You didn’t feel like digging through your luggage to find your earbuds so you set the volume low enough for only you to hear. 

The video started playing and you let your hand wander from your side up to your neck, brushing your hand lightly across your collarbone. You traced the curve of your breasts with a finger before squeezing one of them gently, feeling your nipple harden under your palm. You only had one hand to use since the other was holding your phone, but you made do. 

The video was one of your favorites, one you found yourself watching at least once a week. It was one of the few videos of hetero couples you had favorited, and it started with the guy going down on the girl before fucking her...

You admired the muscles on the man’s back, watching intently as they flexed whenever he moved his head. The woman moaned, struggling to keep her legs open while he brought her closer and closer to orgasm. 

You let your hand travel down further until it was sitting at the waistband of your pajama shorts. You knew you had a while before Sam would be back, but you were too impatient to wait. You propped your phone up on a pillow next to you to free your other hand as you started to play with your clit. 

You pictured someone’s head in between your thighs, imagining them moaning against your pussy as they tasted you for the first time. 

The man was taking his pants off now and lining himself up with his partner’s pussy. You tried to follow along, putting yourself in the moment with the couple. You gathered your own wetness on two of your fingers to lubricate them and slid them inside yourself, sighing in relief. Your entire body tensed as it accommodated to the stretch and you gave yourself a few beats before moving your fingers. 

When you finally did, you felt yourself relax and sped up your pace so that it matched the actors on screen.

The angle the video was shot at hid the man’s face and you found yourself wondering what he looked like. If you squinted you could almost picture Tom- no. You tried to shake the thought from your mind, but it was already there. 

Closing your eyes didn’t help either. You just imagined Tom’s fingers sliding in and out of you instead of your own, imagined the veins on his arms becoming more pronounced as he tightened his grip on your thigh. 

“Fuck,” you cursed, knowing you should stop. 

You were too close to stop now, and the pleasure was clouding your judgement. Suddenly the man brought his hand up to the girl’s throat and began to choke her, sending her hurtling into her own orgasm. You moaned accidentally, thinking about Tom’s hand around your throat. You curled your fingers up so that you were hitting your g-spot and whimpered pathetically.

This was wrong. This was bad. Not only were you fantasizing about your best friend’s brother, but you were confusing yourself even further. 

You tried to fight it, at least that’s what you told yourself, but all you could hear were Tom’s moans echoing through the speaker. You pictured the way he’d look on top of you. His eyes would be so dark and he��d be smirking like the cocky asshole he was, chain hanging down in your face- just inviting you to take it into your mouth. It didn’t take long before you felt your orgasm begin to build. The video was still playing in the background, the man still chasing his own high and bringing his partner to her second orgasm, but you’d tuned it out by now. You came around your fingers thinking about Tom’s hips snapping into yours. 

You were fucked.

lmk what you think!! i always appreciate feedback

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[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Can you do space mark x female captain! reader after the mission is over? A lot of pining, with Mark feeling like absolute shit over causing everything, and then feeling even worse when he sees the mental toll it took on the Captain. He’s barely able to look her in the eyes. He tries at first, tries to joke and goof off with her like he had originally done before, but all he can see is his hands ripping a crystal from her palm or ramming a fire extinguisher into her head. All he can see is the anguish in his Captain’s eyes after he had called her evil. After he had given up on her, when she had never given up on him.

And so he cowers and ducks his head down like a dog that has been kicked too many times whenever he’s in her presence. He tries to make himself small and quiet and to stay out of the Captain’s way, because hasn’t he done enough to last a few lifetimes?

Then there is the Captain still going through paradox ptsd, staying up late at night and barely eating as she studies every single part of the Invincible l ship over and over again, trying to pinpoint down to the last second everything she will need to do when/if the loop restarts again. Because Mark didn’t know about that one time when she had lived to be old and gray and still was cursed to come back to the beginning, did he? So how can she ever be sure that she is truly free?

And she forgave Mark, she really did, but she can’t help going over why? Why did he lose trust in her? What made him believe she was capable of doing all of that? It’s over, everything’s okay now, but she can’t help feeling hurt over it. Were they not as close as she thought they were? What did she do wrong to make him lose faith?

Why wasn’t she good enough to be believed in?

It only aches all the more when she realizes Mark has been avoiding her. And a part of her believes that he still hates her. After all, he had spent so long rebuilding the warp core believing her to be a monster to his core. Could she really have expected it all to be gone in one day?

Maybe she deserves this. Maybe she should have done more. Been a better Captain. Mark might’ve built the warp core, but she was the one who had lost her mind close to the middle of the journey. She had lost hope at one point. None of it had felt real anymore. She had jumped into the wormhole over and over again, blown up the ship in a desperate bid to stop the loop, thrown herself out of the airlock more than a million times, and had knocked Mark or a crew member out more than once to let herself jump in front of the laser turrets that guarded the asteroid defense system. It had taken her thousands of loops before she had come back to herself, realizing that her mind had been close to snapping. But somehow, she had thought of Mark’s face, and managed to pull herself back to a semblance of sanity.

Maybe if her mind had been stronger, they could’ve beat this all far sooner.

Somehow, Mark starts to realize that the Captain is really, really, not okay. She’s avoiding everyone and barely sleeping or eating. All she does is stay up in the damn Invincible I ship, tinkering with all the mechanics inside it. Celci, of all people, finally convinced him to check on her, and Mark walks in on the Captain, his precious Captain, with a gun to her head.

He tries to stay calm, but he can’t help but become slightly hysterical as he physically gets on his knees in front of her, begging and sobbing to “please don’t do this, please—“

The Captain shakes and has silent tears on their cheeks, staring ahead blankly. She’ll never know if this is real. What if it isn’t? What if it’s all just a fucking loop? She can’t go through this again. She can’t get her hopes up. She can’t get close to Mark again only for everything to be restarted and for her to end up in that same damn room with the warp core as Mark screams at her that she’s evil. She can’t do it. It’s better this way. Don’t let it drag out. Just rip the bandaid off. Don’t, don’t let this loop get your hopes up—

Somehow it all comes to a crescendo and there’s a lot of crying and sobbing and desperate, long and angsty kisses with feelings confessed, with Mark trying everything in his power to convince his Captain that this is real. That they made it out.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t believe in you. But you never stopped believing in me. Not even once. And I… I just need you to believe in me one more time. Please. I need you to believe that this is real. Please, God, please, don’t do this. Don’t leave me. Please—“

I had this main idea in my head, but it’s hard for me to put stuff together. And your writing is so good and makes me cry and I know you’ll do this justice so welllll.😭💔

(I won't be writing this but I'll post it for y'all to cry over BC it almost made me cry :') )

You've captured so much emotion in this, anon!!! The tension! The angst!!! It breaks my heart 💔💔

[dreamescapeswriting]

Unconventional Love ~ OT7 [Request]

WORD COUNT: 3K

GENRE: Idol!Reader, friends to lovers, polyamorous, love, angst, soft, fluffy ending

PAIRING: OT7 X Fem!Reader

A/N: I hope this is okay and I got it right for you, I read this as not being open to other idols but close with BTS So I hope this is okay. I’m still new to Polyamorous writing so I hope this is alright for you my love

The rain was coming down harder against the window as you waited up, watching it all come down against the conservatory roof waiting for the storm to pass. You loved the rain and thunder but you could never sleep through it, 

"Something on your mind?" You jumped when you heard Jin's voice come from behind you and you hummed at him, looking over your shoulder to see him standing there with a cup of hot chocolate and a small plate filled with biscuits. 

"No...J-Just hate sleeping with the rain," You admitted as he walked over and sat down beside you on the small conservatory sofa, pulling your head to lay on his shoulder before he gave you a soft kiss. 

"You should have woken me up, I would have come to sit with you." He admitted as he looked up at the roof watching the droplets roll down the screen as you tried to relax beside him.

"You could always think about something else," He whispered as he tried to get you to calm down, he could feel just how fast your heart was racing and he knew it wasn't just because he was in the room that it was happening. 

"How about the time I read your journal?" He suggested making you shudder at the thought of it, it had been the best and worst day of your life when that happened. 

"You're lucky I even forgave you..." You admitted as you looked up at him through your eyelashes.

Never in a million years would you have thought you would be able to attend a premiere for a drama that your best friends had been cast in. Out of all of them, you thought Jin would have been the one that acted the most but a casting director decided to hire each of the boys to play a role in his drama. As you thought of what to write in your small journal you clicked the pen obnoxiously, staring up at the ceiling as if there were words written up there that was going to help you.

"Isn't it us that's supposed to be nervous?" You jumped up when you felt Jin's hand on your elbow and felt his breath on your neck. You thought you'd been left in your dressing room alone, you slammed your journal shut and smiled up at him. Nervously trying to act as though you weren't just writing in your journal since you knew how nosey each of the boys was when it came to you.  

"What's this?" He smirked trying to take the purple book away from you but you sat on top of it on the dressing table and started giggling as he waited for you to move. Staring at you as you shook your head at him, about ready to tell him to go away when he spoke first, 

"Don't be a child and show me-" He stopped talking when the door to your dressing room opened and Namjoon was standing there, struggling to do up the bow tie he was wearing. All of you were supposed to be getting ready to go outside for photographs but it looked like you and Namjoon were the ones running late.

"Y/n...Please," He huffed out defeatedly as he let go of the bow tie and dropped it so it was hanging around his neck limply, he knew you were the only one that knew how to tie them properly. You slowly slid down from the dressing table and slapped Jin's hand away from the journal playfully, picking it up and taking it over to your bag. Slipping it inside so you knew where it was at all times and didn't have to worry about the boys seeing what was inside of it. 

"Why don't you get the stylists to do it?" You complained as you squinted to see the bow tie, struggling just as much as Namjoon was to do it up. 

"They aren't as nice to me as you are," He commented sarcastically as you tapped the back of his head for being snarky with you. You and the BTS boys had been close since you signed onto BigHit three years ago, signing on to be one of the first foreign idols and actresses that they wanted working for them. 

"There. Now, are we all ready?" You questioned, looking over your shoulder at Jin who was sitting on the dressing table where you had been sitting previously. 

"I think so, are you? I know you hate interviews," Jin mentioned as he watched Namjoon leaving the room to go and get the other boys but Jin wasn't lying. Interviews weren't exactly your speciality since you tended to be a little more closed off from everyone around you. The boys had noticed a lot in the last year that whenever you had to do an interview alone you would be more closed off from everyone. You wouldn't speak much or you would come off as held back from everyone. Although people admired you and looked up to you, you would sometimes come across as shy and didn't want their attention. 

"I don't hate them-" You tried to defend yourself but Jungkook had caught what you were talking about and interrupted you.

"Yes, Noona, you do. The last time you did an interview you ended up crying that night and telling us you never wanted to do it again," Jungkook reminded you as he walked into your changing room, giving you flashbacks to the last time you gave a live interview. 

"Let's just go," You mumbled not wanting to talk about it with them right now, instead you pushed them all out of the room and hoped that the night would pass by faster if you got it over and done with. As you were walking out, you didn't notice Jin slip your journal out of your bag and into his overnight one that the stylists would take to your hotel rooms tonight. 

It wasn't as though you hated giving interviews it was just that you hated the idea of being vulnerable with that many people, there were only so many people you felt like you could be truly yourself with. Those people happened to be the boys and your journal, no one else understood you the way that they did which was why you always came across as more open with them than anybody else. The premier hadn't gone as badly as you thought it would have done, you managed to stick beside the boys for most of the night. Giving occasional comments in their interviews rather than giving one on your own.

"Did you notice anything off with Noona tonight?" You froze outside of Jungkook's room when you heard Jimin speaking with Jungkook about you. The door was left wide open since you were supposed to be joining them for a small movie and some room-service before bed. 

"What do you mean?" You heard Jungkook question back, you waited for one of them to speak again but neither of them did. You just heard another sigh come from inside of the room, and you knew who it was. 

"What is it Jin-Hyung?" Jungkook questioned, you stared down at the floor not knowing if you should have been listening to the conversation or not but it was about you...So why shouldn't you have been listening?

"She's not being off...It's just how she is. Haven't you ever notice how closed off she is to everyone else?" He looked at the two younger members not knowing if he should tell them what he'd found in your journal. When he started reading he figured it would just contain some secrets about your singing and acting but what he found was much more interesting and he was unsure how he felt about it. 

"Well...That's because she thinks of us like her brothers," As Jimin spoke he sounded upset about it which made your heart sink, that wasn't how you viewed the boys at all but you could never tell them how you really felt about them. It would be too weird for them to know the truth so playing the part as a sister seemed better than losing them altogether. 

"I wouldn't say brothers," Jin mumbled, your heart began to thump against your chest as the small statement. He couldn't know how you truly felt about them all. 

"What do you mean? She loves us like we're all related." Jungkook chuckled as he turned to his Hyung waiting for some kind of evidence and Jin nodded. He'd been thinking about this all night since opening your journal and finding out the truth. Now that he knew the information it felt wrong not to tell the boys about it so they could decide what to do. 

"She's in love with us...A-and I don't mean like a fan loves us, I mean IN LOVE." He said as he put a dramatic emphasis on IN LOVE, your hand hit your chest as though they were going to hear your heartbeat and now you were outside their room. Sprinting in the direction of your room you locked yourself inside wondering how Jin had found out about it, tearing open your bag to see that your journal was missing.

"With all of us?" Jimin questioned with a hopeful tone as he looked at Jin, Jin's face didn't look as bright as happy and both Jungkook and Jimin's did at the moment.

"Like how we see her...Right?" Jimin asked again as he switched between looking at Jin and Jungkook waiting for some kind of answer but they weren't giving him one. Jin was staring at the floor as he overthought every little detail and Jungkook was trying not to scream out like a child. All of them had been crushing on you since you signed with the company but none of them made a move since they all liked you and decided friendship was better than making a girl choose between them all. 

"How do you know this though...Did she tell me?" Jungkook finally broke his silence as he looked at Jin but as he did Namjoon walked into the room and wondered what was happening. Asking them to explain from the very beginning what was going on to each of the boys.

After about two hours of sitting in your room, you finally built up the courage to confront Jin about taking your journal from you. You figured you could play it off as not knowing he'd read it and then that would be it but as you stared at the door to Jin's hotel room the more you began to talk yourself out of it. Jin had to have been in his room since Jungkook text you telling you that he was going to have an early night instead of your movie night and you agreed.

"I can just get it back tomorrow," You mumbled to yourself as you turned to walk away but something inside of you made you turn back to the door and storm your way inside. Yelling out in a rage as you walked into the room, 

"Jin! This is a total invasion of privacy and I want my-" You stopped speaking when you saw the boys all sitting there, staring at you with the journal in the middle of the bed.

"What are you doing? Taking it in turns to read bits out of it?!" You cried out tears streaming down your face, now too annoyed to even think of letting them get away with reading it, you snatched it away from the bed and stared at the journal instead of at them.

"We didn't-" Yoongi wasn't even going to try and lie for everyone else, they'd all read some parts of it. Mostly the parts where you'd been descriptive about being in love with each of them. All of their faces were red as they turned to look at you wondering what you were going to do now that they knew. 

"Did you think it was funny? Oh, I get it," You laughed sarcastically as you threw the journal back down onto the bed, 

"I bet you all thought it would be fun to see that I have feelings, that I express myself somewhere other than with you? Was that it?" Namjoon went to say something but Jin held his hand up to his own mouth telling him to be quiet. They wanted you to at least get out all of your rage before they admitted the truth to you.

"I bet you all find it hilarious right, that I love seven guys all at once?" They stayed silent, staring down at their hands as you questioned them but you wanted their answers. You wanted to know why they felt the need to read something that was so personal to you,

"Let's all laugh at y/n while she's feeling down about herself, she never opens up to anyone else except us so let's just betray her trust? God! Don't you ever wonder why I only talk to you guys? Why I don't have any other friends...Because-" You scoffed again at the thought of it and rolled your eyes, 

"I trusted you enough to open up and let my guard down with you and it all blew up in my face didn't it?" It was a rhetorical question so you just pushed the book closer to them. 

"Did you all get a good laugh out of it? Because you can keep it," You turned to leave the room and that was when the boys broke their silence. Hoseok reached out to take your hand in his and Taehyung's broken voice filled the air,

"We feel the same way." He told you as they all waited for your reaction, they'd done nothing but speak about it since finding out that you loved them back. Deciding that if you really wanted to that they would be more than willing to talk it out and try a relationship with you like that.

"What are you talking about?" You sniffled, looking from your hand with Hoseok's to his face. His eyes were bloodshot since he'd cried through most of your rant and he gave your hand a small squeeze, 

"We feel the same way about you..." Hoseok whispered waiting for you to catch up but you frowned shaking your head at the thought of it.

"But you all- You can't all-" You didn't even know what you were trying to say, you were trying to search for answers in your head but it felt as though you were in a whole mess and fog. The thought of all of them loving your back had never occurred to you, you didn't even know what to do with this information now that you had it. 

"What am I supposed to do with that? Feel less upset that you read my journal?" The boys shook their head and turned to Namjoon who was the level headed one out of them all, they knew that he would be the best to describe what they had in mind out of them all.

"We've all felt the same way for you since you came to Bighit...We made an agreement never to approach you unless you approached one of us first...But since we know you like all of us...Maybe we could give that a go?" You tried to process what Namjoon was saying to you, telling you that they would all date you at the same time? 

"We would all be dating each other?" You frowned looking from Namjoon to the others who all quickly began shaking their heads. 

"We would date you...You would date...Us," Yoongi explained as he pointed to all of them singularly trying to read your facial expression which was a mixture of confusion and anger, still angry with them for reading it in the first place.

"Why would you want that?" You looked over at each of their faces and none of them had an answer except for Jungkook who wanted to make light of the situation, 

"One guy for every day of the week Noona." You groaned at his attempt at a joke and Namjoon hit him over the head with a pillow turning to you. 

"Think about it..." He suggested, not wanting you to say no straight away without thinking about it or going over in your head what this could all mean for you all. 

"I don't need to think about it..." He froze as he heard the words leave your mouth and you looked at them again, flicking from each face until you landed back on Namjoon. 

"I-I would be comfortable with it but...But I'm still mad at you all for reading my journal," You mumbled as you sat down beside Hoseok staring at the journal. Feeling less upset that they had opened it and a little happier that they had, since if they'd never read it none of this would be happening right now.

Jin chuckled to himself as you were out cold on his shoulder, Yoongi had come down not long after you passed out into the story of your relationship and saw you and Jin together.

"You spend your night together trying to make her sick?" He asked sarcastically as Jin picked you up from the chair and began carrying you up towards his room, 

"She hates sleeping in the rain, I found her down there when I got up for a drink," Jin whispered as he laid you down in the bed, watching as you turned and clutching into the sheets with a small smile on your face, enjoying whatever dream you were having.

"She's cute when she dreams, her nose does that little twitch thing." Yoongi smiled brightly as he watched you not wanting to take his eyes off you for even a second but wishing Jin goodnight and leaving eventually. Though it wasn't the most conventional relationship and it was hidden from everyone around you the relationship worked and you all enjoyed the way your life was together and had done for the last four years of your lives.

Tagline: @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @fan-ati--c​ @rjsmochii​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @taestannie​ @innersooya​ @sw33tnight​ @sweeneyblue1​ @jin-from-the-block​ @acciocriativity​ @that-anxious-bisexual​

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: A Complicated Love Story Set In Space

Author: Shaun David Hutchinson

Genre: YA Fiction | Romance | Friendship | Sci-fi | Mystery | Drama | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Death | Sexual Assault

Overall Rating: 10/10

Personal Opinion: An absolutely mind-blowing book. You will not anticipate the plot twist whatsoever. The title also tells you everything you need to know about the book. It’s a love story between Noa and DJ, and unfortunately, it’s incredibly complicated and they happen to be in space. What could be more exciting than that? Seriously, I really don’t think I can say much without spoiling anything, it’s just such a good book.

Couple Classification: Noa North X DJ Storm = Goth (?) X Nerd

Do I Own This Book? No but I would not mind.

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- I am shooketh. I never would have seen that plot twist coming in a million years but it makes so much sense. The way DJ had been acting from the very start was suspect. Why was he so obsessed with Noa who kept pushing him away? Why didn’t he seem to want to go home as badly as Noa did? Why did he talk about Noa like he knew Noa better than him when they had just met? Why did Noa feel like they met once before? It’s because they had! They were already in love in the past! My god, when we learned that they were all just puppets for Production, I was just in shock. It’s such a good twist too! It explains Kayla’s whole existence and why she said Noa should’ve died. It also explains why the monster had suddenly appeared despite the fact that none of them noticed it before. Like, this book just utterly blew my mind.

- Noa, in the beginning, felt like a trial to endure. He was not that likeable and I absolutely did not understand what DJ thought was so appealing about him. But mostly, I just could not understand why Noa was so determined to push DJ away. Why was he so bitter about love and why did he seem repulsed by DJ’s touch? And then we got the reveal of his traumatic backstory and I just wanted to hug him so bad. And also beat Billy with a bat. Whoever he actually did that to, I hope you’re thriving. And I hope Billy is rotting somewhere or someone made good on DJ’s promise and broke his arms.

- Jenny is the best. She’s so hilarious, first of all. She’s got sass, she’s spunky, she’s a good friend to boot. I love that she forgave her killer and also made out with him. But also her saying, “Every family needs one” in response to Noa saying, “You’re the weird guy who killed Jenny,” had me in stitches. Jenny, overall, is just a fantastic character because she’s just an overall badass with a decent heart. Not to mention, her skulking around the Qriosity really proved to be genius on her part. I see why she was meant to be the main character originally.

- DJ and Noa are an adorable couple once they actually got together. Their first date in the oxygen garden, their first kiss in the radiator room, their first time in the shuttle, the way they both tried to sacrifice themselves for each other, ugh, they have my whole heart. I was just on the edge of my seat with the way DJ tried to do everything to help Noa and watching Noa slowly but surely open up to him. It was just beautiful to witness.

- It’s too real that the majority of students that died were all queer side characters. Bury your gays indeed. So I love that the show with ratings gold ended up being the one DJ hijacked into being about a gay love story. Fuck Production and their scripts! I don’t know how realistic it is for a queer program to have such high ratings but I’d like to believe in it. Especially since all three main characters are queer.

- I adore the formatting of this book. The way the time loop section was split into chapters of exponentially increasing numbers to show what number loop we were in was genius. It also made it easier to follow the loops. I also think it’s so real that Noa would start by trying to make it as fun as possible before essentially going crazy trying to stop the loops. And even though it was a simulation, it made me proud to see him going to therapy in Bell’s Cove. It also made me proud that Jenny was the one to suggest it.

- The cover is genius too. At first, I did not understand why it was a bucket of popcorn. Of course it’s a nod toward the plot twist! It’s clever without giving too much away and I think that’s what makes it a genius book cover.

- I’m not over the way DJ had acted toward Noa at the very beginning. When he said, “You don’t believe that,” when Noa said love isn’t real, I was so confused. I was like, bitch, who are you to tell a stranger how they feel? But it’s because DJ already knew him. As Nico! The way DJ describes being in love with Nico is just tragically romantic and the way he had listed out Noa’s good points was so captivating. But mostly, I just love that whenever DJ describes Noa, it is always Noa. Not Nico. He separates them so easily but he also still loves them both so fiercely. I mean, let’s be honest, that is just peak romance.

Dislikes:

- Bro, screw Production. I do wish I understood what Jenny Perez meant when she said that they had signed to do this voluntarily. If there’s a “season two” of this book, I hope it gets explained in that. But I don’t think I’m actually too mad about the holes that were left behind in this novel because I’m just so hyped up on that twist.

- Someone throw Billy into a ditch. I know it didn’t actually happen to Noa but it happened to someone and therefore, throw him in a ditch. Break his arms and then throw him into a ditch.

- Jenny Perez having fans that counted down until she was 18 to openly lust after her is too real. I honestly feel bad for her. She’s sadly just another puppet of Production.

[desiredmalfoy]

True Love Is Eternal (D.M x Reader + F.W. x Reader)

Pairing: Draco x Reader, Fred Weasley x Reader

Word Count: 2.3k

Note this is going to be changing from 1st person to 2nd and 3rd person.

Enjoy the final installment of the Dear Malfoy Series! Fred’s POV! Thank you for everyone who has shown love to my writing! You don’t know how much I appreciate it (it means a lot to me). 

Dear Malfoy [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]  (Masterlist)

The invitation to your wedding invitation came suddenly in the mail. It came addressed to the Weasley family, which I guess includes me. No, it did include me. You put that in the invitation. I didn’t even realize that I was holding in my breath as I opened up the intricate wedding invitation. The Malfoys are not sparing any expense on this. He would give you nothing but the best in life. He had been fine for the past couple of years, he had managed to get you out of his head for the longest time. He had even been in a serious relationship but that did work out. But it seems like the news of your wedding brought all these feelings back. Maybe all these old feelings resurfacing because of the news of your marriage but not because he actually still loved her. Or maybe in the back of his mind, he’d always wish you would have a moment of revelation where you realized who truly loved him.

                                 We are honored to invite you to

                                       the unity of marriage of

                                         Draco Lucius Malfoy 

                                                       &

                                        (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N)

Your name is written in beautiful intricate gold cursive. Taunting me with every letter written. He ran his fingers over where your name was printed, reminiscing of the moments he had with you.

It was the middle of summer and the both of you were laying on the grass outside the burrow. You were looking up at the night sky admiring the millions of stars. Moments like these were the ones he hoped were forever.

“What do you want to do when we leave this place”,  Fred had asked her out of nowhere. 

“Get my own place. I love my parents but I want to have my own space.” 

“Oh! And get a kitten!” (Y/N) excitedly added. “I really want to get a kitten.”

“I’ll get you as many as you would like”, he said as he hugged her tightly.

“Is this your way of asking me to move in with you”, she teased him and his cheeks had become red from blushing. 

“Not yet but one day in the future hopefully.” He answered as he envisioned them with a few cats and maybe a baby or two. “And you know I’ll have my shop by then too.”

He wished he could go to the past. 

——-

Fred dwelled on the thought of going to your wedding. The invitation had been extended to the entire family, including him. After everything that had occurred, (y/n) had always been on good terms with the rest of the Weasley family. She had even eventually forgiven George for not telling her. George had explained to him that she forgave him to let go of the past and move on. 

Fred had thought he would keep on seeing you every summer as the previous ones before. You had always come to stay at least for a couple of days to see Ron and Ginny before you dated him. But the summer after his 7th year and (y/n)’s 5th it all changed. He anticipated your arrival but didn’t want to ask any of his siblings if they knew you’d be coming over. He stupidly thought that he would be able to at least fix your friendship that summer. It wasn’t until he had overheard a conversation between Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and Harry that he knew you weren’t going to show up.

“I received an owl from her today.”, Ginny said excitedly as she sat down, a white envelope in her hand. 

“How is she? I miss her greatly this summer.” Hermione asked as she reached for that same envelope from Ginny. 

“She said she’s definitely enjoying Paris with Draco.”

“He took her to Paris”, Ron asked, shocked at the revelation. “The bloke has only been dating her for like eight months and he’s already taking her on expensive trips?’

“It’s Malfoy. Did you expect anything less”, Harry answered with a slight eye roll. “He’d buy her a castle if she would just let him.”

“I knew Malfoy always goes all out but I didn’t think he would take her on vacation so soon!”

“What do you expect?” Ginny laughed at Ron’s still confused expression. “He’s madly in love with her. He’s even nice to Harry of all people just for her.”

“That was the most surprising thing of all”, Hermione agreed with her with a giggle. “Who knew all it took to stop Malfoy from being such a prat was for (y/n) to date him.”

“I mean he even called Harry by his first name the last time we saw him instead of Potter”, Ron added to the conversation. 

“I still miss her this summer”, Ginny complained with a groan. “It’s not the same without her.”

That was the beginning of you spending every summer with Draco instead of at the Burrow with the Weasley’s like every other summer. 

———

He was walking along Hogsmeade after a long day of work. He was headed towards the Three Broomsticks to meet up with George who had taken a few days off from the shop that day. He hadn’t been feeling well the past few days and Fred had told him to stay home. He was finally feeling better and to celebrate, George had asked him to meet there for a couple of drinks. It was a pretty calm evening with a few people walking about the area. Fred mostly went unnoticed by others just trying to get home for the night. 

That’s when he saw you coming out of the dress store with your mother and Narcissa Malfoy by your side. (Y/N) had a huge grin on her face as she carried a large white box with a beautiful ribbon to tie it all up. It was your wedding dress. He just knew it was that. A large smile decorated your face as you seemed ecstatic about the contents of the box. He turned quickly into a different alleyway to avoid running into you. 

He was going to be needing something stronger than butterbeer tonight. 

——-

Fred and George were currently on their way to their parent’s home to visit them for the evening. Life had been hectic and he hadn’t had a chance to see them in a couple of days. Plus it was one night where he would not have to cook for himself and George. Nothing beats a home-cooked meal from your mum on days like these. 

They didn’t even bother knocking as they entered the home. 

“Mum your favorites have arrived”, Fred announced loudly teasingly as he saw Ron sitting on the couch. 

“I didn’t know Charlie and Bill were dropping by”, Ron said without lifting his gaze from the book on his lap.

“That hurts Ronnie”, George played around as he wiped a fake tear from his cheek.

“Anyway, where is mum?”

“They’re upstairs trying on the bridesmaid dressed for the future Mrs. Malfoy’s wedding”, Ron said with a snicker. “Mione and Ginny I mean.”

“I still can’t believe that it’s coming up so soon”, Fred responded as he sat next down to his brother. 

“I am just excited about the food”, George said with a laugh. “I know it will be good.”

“Nice to know you care about me”, a teasing voice said from the stairs. Fred knew that voice and giggle anywhere. They all turned to where the voice was coming from.

“You know what I mean”, George said with a smile. He got up and greeted (y/n) with a hug. “It’s nice to see you again.”

He caught a glimpse of your engagement ring shining in light. Only the best for you.

“I’ve been busy”, she answered simply. “Weddings are a big thing to plan. Especially one that is only a about a two weeks away”

“How the joke shop?” (Y/N) questioned George. “Ginny has told me it’s been going amazingly for you two.”

“Right it has been”, George agreed. “Those Hogwarts kids are great customers. Right, Freddie?”

“Way to make us seem old Georgie”, Fred laughed as he looked directly at her. “It’s nice to see you (y/n).”

“Nice to see you too Fred”, she said, giving him a friendly smile. Not the same one she would give him years ago. 

“Are you staying for dinner darling”, mum said as she came down the stairs with Ginny and Hermione trailing just behind. 

“I’m sorry Mrs. Weasley”, (y/n) apologized. “I would love to but I had promised my parents I’d be eating with them tonight. Plus I still have to get home and see if Draco is back from work.”

You’d made a home with him already. One that he had promised you all those years ago.

“Don’t worry darling.” Mum said with a gentle smile. “You’re invited to dinner whenever you would like.”

“Thank you so much.” (Y/N) said as she hugged mum goodbye. She waved to everyone else and she was gone out the door. 

———

The day of the wedding finally came and he had decided to go. He wanted an opportunity to see you dressed in white. Fred walked over with his family to the Malfoy Manor. They’re escorted to the garden in the back to wait for the beginning of the ceremony. It was decorated with your favorite flowers, white roses. Flowers that symbolized innocence, youthfulness, eternal loyalty. 

The eternal loyalty you were about to pledge to Malfoy for the rest of your lives. 

Fred anxiously waited for the ceremony to start. He looked around the space and saw many of his former classmates interacting with each other. It wasn’t long before the ceremony started. 

Draco enters….

Your wedding party enters….

Everyone stands for your entrance….

The wedding march starts….

You walk down the aisle hand in hand with your father. You looked stunning in your wedding dress. Darling how I wish I was the one watching you walk towards me. You don’t spare a glance to where I’m standing. I’m probably the farthest thing from your mind. And I’m glad you don’t because I don’t think my heart would take it. He watches on a Malfoy cries at the sight of you walking towards him. Fred knew if he was in his place he’d probably do the same.

Because even though all I want to do is run up to that alter and tell you exactly how I feel, I simply won’t. I've seen how happy you are with him, and I can't ever do that to you. Even though I sit here to watch you wed another man and break my heart in the process. 

Why am I even here? Why did I even come? 

He watches as you pledge your love for Draco. Vowing to stay with him every moment of your lives together. He watched as you said “I do” through your tears. 

You make such a lovely bride. Maybe in another lifetime or reality, you’re mine. But in this one darling, we just weren’t meant to be. 

Maybe in another lifetime, I’ll be able to hold you close and never let go. In this one, I foolishly took you for granted and let you slip from my arms into the firm grasp of another man. 

I knew I shouldn’t have come, but I couldn’t resist seeing you in white. 

Because sometimes two souls are only meant to just be in each other’s life for a while; awaiting the lifetime where they’ll meet again but this time forever. 

Alternative Ending:

Fred stood alone in his shop tonight. Wanting to throw himself into work to ignore the pain in his chest. He took another swing of the bottle of fire whisky in an attempt to drown out all the intrusive thoughts running through his mind. He spent the evening thinking about how he wished it was him marrying you, waiting at the end of the aisle. You’d be getting married next week and he couldn’t do anything about it. He knew he messed up all those years ago, and he’d do anything to turn back time. 

He heard the door chime as someone opened the door. He must have forgotten to lock up in his current state. 

“We’re closed”, he yelled out towards the door. He didn’t bother to lift his head to talk to them. Not wanting to be seen in this state. 

“Freddie?”

This caused an instant reaction from him. He’d know that voice anywhere.

“(Y/N/N)”, he whispered. He was afraid you’d disappear at any moment. A hallucination.

“I missed you. I need you.”

“I missed you too.”

I know it’s not the best alternative ending but I kind of left it open for the reader to decide. It is a little something for those who would choose Fred instead. Do they realize they actually loved Fred after all this time? Is Fred just losing it and imagining this? It’s up to you to decide!

Click here for Valentine’s Day Shipping

Taglist: @keepsmilingandstayhappy @sarcasticallywitty15 @adrianpuceyishot @dracoismybabey @little-me204 @loveforreading @stephaniewinchester-weasley @cronen 

Reminder: None of my work can be reposted anywhere. It doesn’t matter if you give credit, please do not repost!

[melofanish]

Hope In Starry Eyes

Summary: It's a perfect moment, TK decides, and that's why he's going to ruin it. He doesn't deserve perfect — not yet. There are a thousand other ways to do this, but as his fingers dig into the tendons of Carlos' neck, he feels a shadow of a barrier between them. And while he knows that it's probably all in his head, he doesn't want to risk the off chance that it's real. He's not ready to lose this. He's not going to let Carlos go.

"Listen, about the other blowup at the firehouse."

You guessed it, another S02E12 Coda/Fix-It

TK isn't a bad guy in here, he's just full of regret and remorse and guilt. And he wants to apologise.

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings: Mentions of that fight, deep emotional feelings, loads of regret, remorse and guilt.

Characters: Carlos Reyes, TK Strand, Mentioned Gabriel Strand, Mentioned Owen Strand

Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Difficult conversations, Mentioned pushing, Spoilers for S02E12, Carlos Deserved an apology, so I gave him an apology.

Word Count: 4524

Beta: The wonderful @lire-casander. This woman had re-read this fic so many times, I don't know how she didn't lose her mind. She's a queen who has held my hand through every up and down,, and I'm forever grateful.

Author Note: There are references and mentions of the fight, but it isn't explained in detail. It doesn't delve into TK's thoughts at the moment, only the aftermath and resulting emotions.

I understand that this has caused a myriad of discourse and arguments, but please respect that this is my own view of it, and it's of my own projections and how I think I'd react and deal with it — me being Carlos in this situation.

~~~

There's a tension that lays heavy on TK's shoulders, tightening around his torso and constructing his breath with every step he takes. It wraps around his chest and squeezes the comfort and security that he should be surrounded with out of his very bones.

He's feeling the events from the day weigh down on his soul — the firehouse blowing up, the shift from hell — and going back to his own house is only adding to the stress. He shouldn't feel this torn apart about going home, but he is.

Every step feels like he's walking on eggshells; careful and timid.

He's come bare, bag and belongings left back at the now blown-up firehouse — the locker rooms hadn't been affected, but everything in the firehouse is being investigated. All he has left with him is his keys, and only because they were already in his pocket. He gets to the front door, pausing with said keys ready between his fingers, giving himself a moment to calm down.

To a degree, he knows he has nothing to worry about, that there's no need to freak out. Objectively, he knows that they're alright, he knows Carlos said he forgave him. But between the firehouse blowing up, and his own mind, he's been fried thin, feeling weary and left empty, and as he looks down at his own hands with every deep breath, he remembers how they laid across Carlos' chest, shoving and pushing, over and over again.

Knowing is one thing though, and feeling like he’s walking on thin ice around his boyfriend ever since his outburst is completely different.

Guilt simmers deep in his stomach, as a hot flush of shame runs through his veins, for what must be the hundredth time in the past twenty-four hours alone. He's been having the same reaction and rush of emotions all day, every time he remembers what happened, what he did.

He can only imagine how Carlos felt. Pushed by a man that says he loves him. Shoved further and further away until he was cornered with the fire truck at his back. Forced to react, either to defend himself or to de-escalate the situation by using physical force. The fire crew, a group that he opened his home to, watching from far away. Their eyes following as Judd ordered him to leave.

He's starting to get lost in his head, thoughts running wild, the darker side of his mind taking reins, when he hears the beginning of a tune from the other side of the door. It brings him back to reality instantly, back to his feet planted inches away from the door, his hands shaking by his side, his keys rattling between his fingers.

He steps back and takes a deep breath — he wants to make sure he commits to apologizing this time — and allows the exhale to take off some of the tension. He repeats it once, twice and a third time, stopping only when he feels his shoulders slightly drop, and the frowns on his forehead ease.

He's as ready as he ever will be.

With a determined fist, he shoves the key into the keyhole, twists the lock and gets himself inside his house.

The door is barely closed behind him when the sweet smell of chicken spices and soft tunes of a Reggaeton instrumental song immediately reminds him that this is his home, and not just a house. And if he ever had any doubts, the sweet and soft smile that Carlos greets him with is the only reminder he could ever need.

"Hey, babe," Carlos greets him softly, easy words and comforting eyes calling out to him and beckoning him closer. "Hope you came hungry. Just put the chicken into the oven."

TK barely stops for a moment, the action involuntary as his legs carry him deeper into the safety and security of their home. His eyes glance over the dining table, taking notice of the full dinner set-up laid out, complete with the sweet scent of raspberry candles that Carlos absolutely adores.

"What's all this?" TK asks in lieu of a greeting. "You, you didn't have to do all this."

"If my boyfriend's firehouse is going to blow up in the middle of a shift, I'm gonna make the most of it."

TK looks away for a moment, cursing his own mind for not thinking that Carlos would have heard about the explosions. You keep getting hurt, his mind supplies, and it hurts him too. He takes a deep breath, trying to push the thoughts away, and instead focuses on the fact that Carlos called him "boyfriend", with as much ease and confidence as he always had.

We're okay, he reminds himself. And yet, the guilt doesn't calm down. If anything, it rages wilder, the dinner and meal set in front of his eyes, both verbal and materialistic proof of his boyfriend's love laid out in front of him. He looks back up to face Carlos, only to find that he's focused on the cutting board, busy chopping away at carrots. He takes the last few steps forward, closing the distance between them, a million words on the tip of his tongue.

As Carlos looks up at him though, eyes sparkling and mouth set in a small smile, TK feels his own mind start to quiet down, and his lips move on their own accord, lifting up into a smile, his eyes drifting to meet the browns of his boyfriend's. He lifts a hand up, laying it on Carlos' shoulder, trailing the muscle up to the back of his neck.

"Hi," he greets, the word a soft breath in the small distance between them.

"Hi," Carlos smiles back.

It's a perfect moment, TK decides, and that's why he's going to ruin it. He doesn't deserve perfect — not yet. There are a thousand other ways to do this, but as his fingers dig into the tendons of Carlos' neck, he feels a shadow of a barrier between them. And while he knows that it's probably all in his head, he doesn't want to risk the off chance that it's real. He's not ready to lose this. He's not going to let Carlos go.

"Listen, about the other blowup at the firehouse."

Continue on AO3

[tooruluv]

Kozume Kenma x F!Reader x Tetsurou Kuroo ( part 1 )

❝ i’m right here, when are you going to realize that i’m your cure, heartbreak girl? ❞

description: kozume kenma didn’t know the exact day in which he realized that he was in love with you. he knew very well that it was sometime after your first “hello”, but the exact moment got whisked away in the many memories that included you. the problem was, though, that you were in love with and in a serious relationship with the boy he claimed as a best friend.

genre: angst, pining, unrequited love, (characters are aged up as the story continues)

word count: 2,373

warnings/notes: hey all! this one doesn’t really have any warnings, just strong language and lots of angst. i changed up my writing style just a bit for this one, and i’m quite proud of it so please leave me as much feedback as possible!! let’s start another journey, this time with kuroo and kenma ;)

| next

masterlist

“ i’m right here, when are you going to realize? ”

┏━━━━━⋇⋆⋆⋇❦⋇⋆⋆⋇━━━━━┓

Kozume Kenma couldn’t pinpoint the exact day in which he realized that he was eminently in love with you. He knew very well that it was sometime after your first “hello”, but the exact moment got whisked away in the many memories that included you.

The problem was, though, that you were eminently in love with and in a serious relationship with the boy he claimed as a best friend.

The first day that Kenma met you, he had to take several seconds to process. You were the only person, the only girl, that made him have to catch his breath at the mere sight. You were brighter than the sun, shined blue like the moon. You were stunning. 

And you had your arm wrapped around Tetsurou Kuroo’s.

“Kenma!” Kuroo had called from across the room, waving at his friend. Kenma complied, phone in hand and moving through the crowds without so much as lifting an eye.

Kenma was dragged to a party with the volleyball team. It isn’t that he hated people, nor was he shy. He just didn’t see the point in pretending to enjoy something that wasn’t his thing. He never understood the desire most teens had in wanting to do stupid things and interact all of the time. It sounded exhausting. 

“Kenma, this is my girlfriend.” Kuroo introduced you. And Kenma looked up to meet your eyes.

“Hello!” You greeted with a smile. You had to talk a bit louder than normal over the party’s music. “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m glad we finally get to meet!”

“Same.” was Kenma’s reply. Though he wanted to say more. 

As Kuroo continued to talk to the both of you, Kenma couldn’t help but watch you from his peripheral vision. You were, in simple terms, the most beautiful person he had ever met. How you managed to be so utterly taken with Kuroo he would never understand. 

You kept one hand on Kuroo’s arm the entire time. Kenma could only define his feelings as jealousy.

Of course, he pushed those feelings down. Because he couldn’t possibly be in love at first sight. To his best friend’s girlfriend, of all people. No. Absolutely not.

When Kenma retreated to a corner of the house later that night, it was you who found him and sat beside him on the floor. He looked up from his game.

“Don’t stop on my account.” You told him, pulling out your phone. “Not one for parties?”

“Never have been.” He brought his head further down to shield his face with his hair. “I’m always dragged here by the team.”

“Yeah, I’m only here to meet Kuroo’s friends.” You admitted. He didn’t know if it was true or if it was a way to initiate conversation to get on his good side for your boyfriend. Either way, he turned his head to catch your (beautiful) eye. “But he decided that trying to beat Bokuto at the keg is his mission for the night.” 

“Ah.”

With that, the both of you became closer. You met up with them at lunch, called him over discord to play games while both of you were at home. And Kenma felt himself falling harder and harder.

Oh, and he became your shoulder to cry on.

Because Tetsurou Kuroo might’ve been an amazing guy, a great team leader and captain, and an incredible friend; but he was a terrible boyfriend.

You were his first girlfriend, so there was room for learning and growth and improvement. But there were also faults in trying to build something that had no foundation.

A couple of months passed, and the honeymoon stage had come to an end, was the first fight.

The reason behind the fight was long forgotten by now, but it had to do with communication. A joke turned into seriousness that it hadn’t meant to be, and it ended in a heated argument between you both. He had ended up calling you an awful name, so you left. 

Kuroo called after you, instant regret and apologies rushing off of his lips, but you were already gone. 

You ended up at Kenma’s. You knocked on his door with tears in your eyes and on your cheeks. How could he have said no?

With a small voice, you asked, “Can we just play games, please?”

“Of course.” Kenma replied without asking anything else. 

He sat on his bed and you sat in a beanbag as you played a game on his TV. He didn’t say anything when he watched you cry silent tears. Instead, he handed you a juice and bag of chips. 

You accepted, pretending that there weren’t tears streaming down your red face. Because he knew you, and knew that if you didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t pressure you to. 

“Mario Kart?” He offered. 

“Oh, you want to lose?” You quipped. A quirk in the corner of your lips. 

Even a small smile from you made him feel better. And fall harder. 

When you returned home that night, Kuroo stood in the exact spot you had left him in. He immediately sent you a thousand apologies, voice choked. You forgave him before he even spoke 

All relationships are rollercoasters, to say the very least. They have their ups and downs, their fast and slow parts, their beginning and end. Your relationship with Kuroo was definitely one of twists and turns. 

Kenma sat on the sidelines and watched it all with a knot in his stomach. He held it down, further and further with each passing day.

Immediately after one intense game that they inevitably won, Kenma searched for you. You rushed from the crowd and into your boyfriend’s arms, congratulating him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Kenma wondered if the two of you had kissed at that point, you had been together for a month. He had to stop himself from going down that rabbit hole. 

It was when you turned to him that Kenma’s entire world was put on pause. You were the only thing that could move. 

“Congrats Kenma!” You cheered, bringing him in for a hug. Kuroo chuckled beside you as Kenma just stood with his arms at his sides, completely paralyzed. “You were amazing! What the fuck! That last play…”

Your voice was drowned out. You pulled away to talk more about how great he did during the game. But he couldn’t listen to the praise coming from your tongue. He just couldn’t.

Once you were out of earshot, Kuroo turned to him. With a big dorky smile on his face, Kuroo asked, “She’s the best, isn’t she?”

“Sure.” Kenma replied, but he wanted to go on and on.

Becoming very good friends with Kozume Kenma resulted in a lot of third wheeling. Not that you would ever intentionally exclude him. In fact, you tried to make sure that he was a part of everything the two of you did. Even if it was just something as little as an invite.

The third wheeling mainly consisted of Kenma’s aching heart as he endured the presence of the two of you. Every time that he would catch a glimpse of your hand in Kuroo’s, or Kuroo’s hand on your thigh, or a quick kiss on the cheek, Kenma couldn’t help but wish that it was him instead.

Kuroo caught him staring, once.

He was dragged to a bonfire with the team, and he dreaded every second of it. He never understood why people would enjoy sitting around a fire and being eaten by bugs. He also didn’t like marshmallows.

You were sitting on Kuroo’s lap on a lawn chair, legs draped over his and your body curved into his side. Kenma couldn’t help but watch as he said something into your hair and you laughed, smacking Kuroo’s chest.

Kuroo found Kenma’s gaze. He sent him an oblivious smile and waved him over, thinking that Kenma was feeling awkward about sitting on the sidelines. Oh, how close he had been to the truth.

“Hey, Pudding Head.” Kuroo teased. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” You asked. You looked up from your position on his lap, and Kenma thought of a million things at once.

“Yeah.”

Kuroo offered the seat beside him, and Kenma accepted. Kuroo knew him better than anyone, this was something that he knew for certain. He wondered if his feelings for you had been obvious. Kuroo never brought it up.

The rest of the night consisted of Kenma pretending to not be affected by your whispering and giggling with his best friend.

Kozume Kenma remembers one specific moment of his love more vividly than the rest.

You were at his house, hanging out on a day off. There were no tears, no anger or sadness towards your boyfriend. It was just a good time with just the two of you. Kuroo had something with his family, so he wasn’t present.

He didn’t remember exactly how the two of you ended up in this position, but he would not complain.

Your head laid in Kenma’s lap, hair fanned out along his thighs. You were watching him beat this game he just got, eyes focused on the screen. Kenma sat against the wall on his bed, arms on either side of your head with his controller in his hand in his best attempt to not touch you.

“Why don’t you like to touch me?” you asked him.

The question caught him off guard, and he had to hide the surprise on his face. “Hm?”

“Don’t pretend I haven’t noticed.” You shifted to look up at him. Kenma had to adjust his legs to hide something he didn’t think you wanted to see. “I figured that you might be a germaphobe or something, because you always seem to keep your distance or freeze up when I grab your wrist or hug you. But I don’t think you are one, considering you play volleyball with a bunch of sweaty men.”

“I. Um.” Kenma paused the game and looked down at you. Searching for excuses, racking his brain for any fake plausible answer that he could give you instead of I’m pretty sure that I’m in love with you and every time that the two of us make contact I feel like a firework about to explode (and it goes straight to a different part of me that I do not wish to discuss with literally anyone). Because that would go over well. 

With the little thoughts he could muster, he lied, “I’m not used to girls voluntarily touching me.”

You accepted his answer, nodding with your head still against his thighs. He looked down to see that you were already staring back up at him. “What?”

“I was just wondering why girls weren’t throwing themselves over you.” You sent him a smile. He wanted to die. “You’re a catch. I promise I’ll be more careful if me touching you makes you uncomfortable.”

“It doesn’t.” Kenma quickly added. Maybe a little too quickly. “This,” he gestured to the current position the two of you laid in. “This doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I guess some things just take time.”

You smiled at him again. That stupid, gorgeous smile. “One day you’ll be so comfortable with me that you won’t even notice if I kiss you.”

The world was testing him. The gods were playing a game with him. He returned his attention to the game, hoping he wouldn’t collapse on the spot.

One night, around half a year into your relationship, Kenma received a call at the asscrack of dawn. Groggily, he answered without looking at the caller.

“Hello?” He asked, voice heavy in sleep. Who would call him at this time? On a school night, no less.

“Kenma.” His ears perked up at your voice. He sat up. “Kenma, please give me some advice.”

It was the first time that you had ever wanted to talk about a fight. True, it was only the third time, but it meant the world to him that you wanted to talk about it. Even if the sun wasn’t even up yet and he had several hours left to sleep.

“What happened?”

A sniff. He was going to kick Kuroo’s head, he decided.

“I just… how do you deal with someone who refuses to talk to you?” You paused, as if you were trying to put together your words. Kenma waited. “Kuroo is great most of the time, but he leaves me hanging so much. I can go the entire weekend without so much as a text. And today something had happened, I knew it the second I saw the look on his face. But he just won’t talk to me. And today,” Another sniff. “Today, I brought it up and he was really dismissive and told me that I didn’t need to be so clingy. Clingy.”

Kenma had to stop himself from saying something like, if you were with me I would love it if you were clingy.

“Kuroo’s an idiot.” Kenma told you. “He doesn’t know how to talk about things that he actually needs to talk about. Next time you talk to him, tell him how his actions make you feel rather than what he needs to change. You’ll get into his brain easier, it’ll click with him.”

You paused again. Taking his words in. “Thank you. Thanks for being a friend.”

“Of course.”

Friend. Because that was all he would be, all that he could be.

[peeterparkr]

perennial;tom holland|one.

chapter one: yellow chrysanthemums

↳ flower meaning: neglected love or sorrow.

story summary: After the war, Tom let the flowers die of thirst, Harry decided to water dry flowers and Timmy never stopped taking care of his. But flowers speak for us, flowers have meanings. And like flowers, maybe you’ll keep on blooming, it’ll be up to you if you decide to wither. And it’ll be up to you what flower you end up choosing.  

chapter summary: the explanation, the flower shop

pairing: tom holland x y/n

warnings: angst 

word count: 7.9k

prologue  next chapter   perennial masterlist.

perfidy  ( series masterlist)

wanna be tagged?

hi, first chapter is here, cry with me :) thank you to @peachybloomss​ for beta reading and being the real MVP

There are flowers that are popular among people. Most of them we don’t know the meaning to. There are the obvious ones, like roses. Romance, love, passion. But roses have been used too many times, it’s a shame, they’ve lost so much meaning. How can something so beautiful and incredible wear out? People who give out flowers without meaning anything barely can see the beauty behind them. That’s the problem with red roses. People now give them out without meaning it. 

They usually let them dry out. Yes, that’s the problem. They let the flower die by itself in one empty vase. 

Sometimes we give them our meaning. Most times we don’t. We choose them because they’re pretty, because of the colour. After all, they match our personalities. It seems to be a shame when you let something so beautiful die. 

Some people like flowers now and then, they use them for seasonal colour. It doesn’t matter then what type of flowers you give them. There are people who give out flowers to ask for forgiveness, some others because they were minded by someone else, some others because they like the pretty smell.  

How can someone let something so beautiful die? 

That’s the only question Tom had when he heard it: ‘She’s gone.’ Had she given up so easily? 

She hadn’t waited. She hadn’t tried to reach out for him. And it didn’t make sense. 

Except she had. And Tom was cursing when he hadn’t answered. He still had a voicemail. 

“Where did she go?” Tom asked the girl standing in front of him. 

“I—I am not supposed to tell anyone,” she said. “However, she asked me to buy daffodils every day to give you, I guess she didn’t think I could only buy some and keep them in a pot, but she told me you give you some daffodils, yeah,  if you ever came and look, here they go, good thing I did buy them today.” Cherry—that was her name, handed him some yellow flowers. 

“What—?” Tom was confused. He didn’t want to believe it. 

“New beginnings,” Cherry grinned. “Take what you want from that—“She was about to close the door. 

Tom stopped her. “Why did she go?” 

Cherry rolled her eyes. “Daffodils.” 

“What—?” Tom blinked. 

Cherry sighed. “Daffodils. New beginnings, now—They’re perennial, to take care of them—“

That’s all Tom needed to know,  he guessed. New beginnings.  But it barely made any sense. 

He didn’t want to be rude to Cherry, but he barely paid any attention to her. He really didn’t care about flowers. Just the ones he had bought. What had Cherry said they were? 

Chamomiles. Primroses. Heleniums. Yellow flowers. 

“Did you hurt her?” Cherry had asked. “Or why did you bring her these flowers?” 

“Yellow flowers have meaning to us,” he had explained. 

Yellow flowers. 

Just like the flower pot in his car. Daffodils. Stupid flowers that gave him no explanation. 

New beginnings. 

He had left Cherry because he really didn’t want to explain it to her. Cherry was clueless about it. How this was horrible. 

Y/N was gone. 

Why had she left? 

Tom looked back at it. It could’ve been easier. As if he had just walked out of a war zone. 

He had noticed how y/n’s apartment had felt cold. And it probably didn’t have anything to do with Cherry or that y/n had left. That apartment felt like it had been freezing for a while. 

And even if Tom had known that they had been crushed from the start, he hadn’t expected her to run away. Y/N didn’t do that. Sure, she reserved herself. He knew that she stopped going out, and he knew that she would be alone all the time. But she never left. She never did that. 

Y/N was gone. 

It didn’t make any sense. She had thrown it all away and they were back in the start. Back where y/n had been. Roles switched. Now there was Tom, hurt. 

Tom now knew how it felt to be hurt by yellow flowers. He felt like he was drowning. And she wasn’t there. He felt stupid.  Very stupid. Of course, y/n would leave. Y/N was selfish and y/n was stupid. 

And he loved her. He was the idiot.  He still loved him. 

And Tom didn’t understand why this was all so complicated, because he was angry, but he felt guilty. Because he should’ve gone and searched for her earlier. He should’ve read her letter earlier, but pride was stupid. 

And it was clear, even if New York had been only for a short time, it was not a hoax. He needed a reason, another reason to love her. Because he didn’t have many reasons to love her, but love per se. He was losing control. 

There was Tom, trying to call her but it sent him straight to voicemail. What would Tom do with some perennial daffodils? Let them die of thirst? He didn’t want to take care of those stupid flowers.

Flowers? That was her way of saying goodbye? New beginnings. His life was pathetic now. 

He needed answers. He had a pain in his chest, intermittent pressing. This was the first time one of them ever forgave each other.  But had they? Because he was angry at her again. 

He still had her voicemail. Did he have the courage to hear it? 

Maybe there were answers. 

“Tom, I know—I know you won’t talk to me,” she started, her voice was cracking.  “I—I’m sorry. Maybe you have read the letter I gave to you. You probably haven’t. Or if you did then I guess—It’s lost, isn’t it? I’m just—You’re the only one I care about right now. You were right, I may deserve to be lonely.” 

Tom felt a headache growing. She really didn’t deserve it. 

“But I don’t want to be,” she continued. “I can’t—I really. A chance was presented okay? And if you—Please call me back. I don’t know if I should take it or not, and I know you don’t care, I know but… I guess I don’t even know I really, really wanted us to work out and I hope you can forgive me someday. I’m just so confused because there’s a chance to start a new life and I’m not sure if I want to. It’s not in London, I’d be leaving and—Maybe it’s for the best, you probably don’t want to see me anymore. I just feel like I’m drowning Tom and maybe this is the only way out. I know there are a million things I should say to you but right now I just—I’m sorry, Tom.” 

Did he blame her? It had taken him a while to listen to her. He was hurt, though. She shouldn’t have left. Now he had everything to remember her. Because why had she given him everything? 

Maybe it was her way of saying goodbye. She said she wanted to erase herself of the narrative. But it felt… incomplete. 

And he thought about it, had anyone talked to her those days? Even if he had been angry. Maybe she really was alone. Because who did she have? Her brother? 

New beginnings. Did he need to have one, too? But he didn’t feel like having one. Not right now. Where had she gone to? 

He needed answers. 

Rome? New York? She wouldn’t. 

She said she didn’t want to go back to another war. And in her mind they would be infinite. 

He did blame her. She threw everything away, she gave up on him. 

But then he thought about it. How this had turned out. He had to look back. Was y/n hurt, too? How hurt had she been? 

This time, the last time. How many times had she not felt the way Tom was feeling? 

Nothing good starts when someone enters war. Someone will get hurt. And maybe y/n had been right.

Tom should’ve known better, she would be the first one to leave, no matter what. Because it would’ve led nowhere. They had started declaring war and they had walked out of a battlefield.

Had she left with Tim? Had she left because of Harry? 

The second question was really the answer he needed to. Tom was, even if it was arrogant to admit, sure y/n loved him. Maybe that’s why all of this didn’t click. She had left. 

Though Tom was hurt he wanted her to know this time it was different, this time he really didn’t care about their past. Not the bad one at least. He cared about the one he could build up. Whatever had happened to them, he wished it hadn’t. He needed to look out for her. He didn’t care anymore about this.

Nothing could save him but her.  Did he have to move on? Finally move on. 

But he couldn’t because they were meant to be and they made sense.  And it made no sense.

Maybe y/n had run out of hope. But god, why hadn’t she fought more? She could’ve tried a bit more. 

Unless… she hadn’t wanted to. After all she had written the letter before Harry had kissed her. Had it awakened anything in her? 

But Harry said it hadn’t. 

He waited a few hours to call her again. There he was, on his bed, staring at the ceiling waiting for answers, updating every five seconds every single social media of hers. She hadn’t deleted anything. That was good, right? 

But she gave no sign of her new location. So he called her. 

It finally rang,  a few times. But then—

“Tom,” her voice was low.

He couldn’t speak.  He lost his breath. 

“Tom? Are you—are you there?”

He hung up, quickly. He couldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t say anything.  Why had he called? 

She called him. 

He answered. 

“Tom?” She said again. 

“You left,” that’s the only thing he could word out.

“I’m sorry,” she said. He could tell she was already crying. 

“What for?” He asked. 

“Everything.” 

Tom gulped as he sat up. He was nervous, he cracked his fingers anxiously. “Why did you leave?” 

She didn’t answer right away, he heard her sigh.  “Because knowing us,” she sighed. “This is the best that I could do.” 

“Why?” Tom questioned. 

“Because Tom—Look where we were standing okay, and—Though I—really wanted this to work, I love you so much but after— I don’t know if it can ever—“

“You gave up.” 

She stayed quiet. 

“You gave up,” he stated again. 

“I’d never give up on you,” she admitted quietly.

“Then what are you doing?” Tom ran a hand through his hair, before standing up. 

“Tom maybe this time we were through,” she said. “I—And I know it’s stupid.” 

“You think?” He frowned as he paced around the room. “If we love each other—“

“Yes, Tom but we cant pretend that all of this didn’t happen, and look at the way it started okay? We need to heal, completely. And maybe we will see.” 

“But right now—“

“Is there really anything we can do?” She asked, she was stressed. 

“You could’ve stayed, for starters.”

“I didn’t leave for the sake of leaving, I was going to stay,” she admitted. “Because I thought you would show up.” 

“And I did, and you were gone,” he gulped as he plopped back on his bed. 

“I had to go,” she sighed. “And I’m going to miss you, god, I’ve missed you all this time.” 

“Then—come back, or… I can’t be okay with knowing I let you go again, okay? I can’t.”

“But you didn’t, you did show up,”  she gulped. “This one is on me, Tom.” 

“Where are you?” He asked. 

“Los Angeles.” 

“Okay, I’m going, I’ll take the first flight—“

“I—But,  Tom I need time. You need time,” she cried. 

“Time for what?” 

“Healing.” 

“Fuck that,” he sat up again. “I love you, I need you. We will heal together.” 

“Tommy. Please.” 

“No, you're throwing us away,” Tom snapped. 

“No, I am not, I love you,” she sighed. “That’s why—“

“What the hell then?” 

“Tom we can't start out again with wounds, or else we will end up in the same place,” she explained. 

“Is this about Harry?”

Quiet. She went bloody quiet. This had to be about Harry. And that didn’t make sense. 

“Y/N?” 

“It’s complicated,” she admitted. “It’s not in the way you think okay? you need to fix everything with your brother. He matters more than I do.”

“What the fuck—?” He frowned. “What about the letter? And the DVD?” 

“Take it as my collateral,” she said. “I love you, that’s not changing.”  

“Do you love Harry?” 

“Tom, I had to go because he still… You saw it, didn’t you? He fucking kissed me, and I can’t--I don’t want to hurt him.” 

“But you have no trouble hurting me,” Tom pointed out. “I’m right here y/n.” 

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Tom,” she said. “But Tom, we can’t, we can’t pretend it didn’t happen, okay? And I’m gonna go back, okay? I need time to think about everything.” 

“Y/N this is fucking stupid we both said it how we hated that we loved each other and never did anything.” 

“I am doing something because I love you, I am letting you heal.” 

“If you love me then you wouldn’t have left,” Tom snapped. 

“If I had stayed, do you think we would’ve worked out?” She questioned him. 

“Yes,” he lied.

“You don’t believe that,” she stated. 

“So you’re asking me to move on, then?” He frowned. 

“I—“ she didn’t say anything.

“Are you?”

“No,” she said quickly. 

“So you’re asking me to stay here waiting for you like a complete idiot?”

“No,” she sighed. 

“What do you want then?”

“I don’t know Tom.” She was so stressed. 

“You want me to see other people, then?” He asked. 

She didn’t answer. 

“Y/N?” 

“I don’t--but” She sighed. “I guess you can do whatever you want.” 

“Well, why not be together? if that’s what I want. ” 

“I don’t know Tom, we are fighting already, see? This is my point-” 

“I’m fucking asking why you left,” Tom said. “I’m… And daffodils?” 

She was crying now, he could hear it in her voice and he could hear the deep breath she’d taken. 

“I’ll go to L.A.,” he said. 

“No, Tom, you’re missing the point,” she sighed. “Just a little time, that’s all I need.” 

“No, y/n, you gave up,” he sighed. 

She sighed. “Maybe I did! ” she snapped. “But because I thought I had lost everything, and I kind of did, alright? I did one bad thing and I lost everything, and I know, I know, it was bad, but what do I have left, Tom? You do understand that--Maybe I was thinking, hey look at us, we kept hurting each other, and-” 

“Y/N you’re making no sense, I’m going to go to L.A,” he stated. 

“If you love me you’ll understand why I need time,” she sighed. 

He clenched his jaw. “Why L.A.?” He questioned. 

“It’s not a hey, I’m escaping to find myself, okay? I actually did have a reason to come here, I’m...Look, originally Cherry told me to switch places with her, then Timmy and Emma--” 

“Tim?” Tom frowned. 

“They’re coming to LA, too,” she said. 

And it made sense, she was crawling back to Tim, that’s what it all was. This was her going to the happy place, just like she had done after Rome. 

“Tim, huh.” 

“But I didn’t accept their offer,” she continued.

“But Tim?” He scoffed. “You’re throwing us away y/n, literally all the good things, you said fuck them, right?” 

“Tom I’m telling you I’m not doing that, are you even listening to me? I- We need to heal.” 

He sighed. “And are you listening to me? If you’re gone, how the hell am I supposed to heal? We should work it out, okay? I’m trying to go back to what we were in New York!” 

“But that’s not us, okay, not right now, this is us,  I know, Tom, I want to… Fuck I know, and I won’t be able to move on, okay? This is not me running away from you, this is me trying to make some sense of myself.” 

“And you go with Timmy!” He yelled. 

“I’m not going with him!” She snapped. “And even if--He was the only one who acted as a friend, I have no one Tom, I really have nobody maybe I need a friend-” 

“You have me!” He pointed out. 

“Do I? Am I supposed to go to you when you’re the one I’m crying for?” She said. “I need to--” 

“You’re not the only one who’s sad, you know?” 

She sighed. “But think about it, will we work?” She questioned. 

Now it was Tom’s turn not to answer. He maybe didn’t believe they could  work but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to fight for it. 

“Honestly, Tom, how many things have we--Have we let go because of each other?” She questioned. “I’m…” 

“You don’t want us to work.” 

“I do, that’s why we need to wait, okay? Then we can try again,” she sighed.  

“This is me trying,  y/n,” he pleaded. 

“I can’t let myself try something right now knowing I hurt you,” she said. “I can’t forgive myself.” 

“And I can’t forgive myself, either,” he admitted. “Why LA?” 

 “They’re making my script,” she said. 

He sighed. “The same script that made this whole mess?” 

“Yes, Tom but--” 

“That’s just fucking great, y/n.” 

“I-” 

“No, you’re right, I should move on.” He hung up. 

Tom laid down, staring at the window. The moon wasn’t there, neither the stars, only dark clouds. He really wished she hadn’t left. Because he was not going to search for her. 

And y/n on the other side of the line wished he really hadn’t hung up, but she knew that it would make no sense on calling him.  He had called her just as she had arrived at her aunt’s place, she hadn’t walked into her place yet and had sat on her suitcase as she talked to him.  And she couldn’t believe it, she was crying outside a flower shop, with a suitcase and her backpack.  The sun was about to set. How pathetic did she look? 

So good for her new beginnings. 

But she walked in, with barely any emotion left. She wished too she hadn’t left, but there was nothing she could do now, or was there? 

Maybe she did want Tom to go and look for her, and she really wished he was as stubborn as usual, and she wished that he wouldn’t listen to her. It’s funny how they never said what they truly meant. Because y/n still felt guilty and that’s probably why she didn’t want to see him, because she feared she’d hurt him again. And y/n was angry, too. She’d done one thing wrong and all had blown up. 

How many times had Tom hurt her? He had built it around that. Y/N still needed to heal that. Because even after everything, she was still aching. You know, you can never truly heal from a broken heart. Once your heart is broken, it can’t be mended again.  The pieces never really set. 

But when will she see him again? Maybe after this Tom didn’t want to see her. And this was her fault, she had left with no goodbye. And she wished she’d given him one last kiss, had she known the one she’d given him would be the last, she would’ve made it last longer. She would’ve treasured it. 

And why had he said that? Didn’t he remember? Why and how everything happened? Because she had been hurt, too. But she still wanted him. And she had apologized but he hadn’t, and maybe he didn’t have to, but she wanted to hear an apology, and he hadn’t given it to her. 

Why did they always put each other through hell? Why couldn’t she just forget her pride and forget everything and run back into his arms when that’s all she wanted. But she needed to protect her heart, let it heal. And let him heal, otherwise they’d end up in the same place. But they didn’t work, or did they? 

That’s the only question y/n had, because they had New York, but it seemed like only part of their imagination, and sure, it had been perfect. But it was like they had ignored it. This was them, the yelling over the phone, the stupidity. 

No, she wouldn’t pull any more perfidies and she knew Tom wouldn’t either, but she didn’t know if they could go through it again, she didn’t know if their love would foresee their pain, one can only ignore it for a while. And she knew they’d probably bring it back. Unless they healed, she knew that once Tom healed, he’d rather sleep alone. Because he would see it. Would she, though? 

But she hadn’t left because she wanted to run away from him. She had left because there was a chance, and at least she could try to make the script something beautiful. Like they had, their love story. Turn the ugly things into good ones, turn the tears from sorrow into tears from laughter. It definitely wasn’t perfect, but it was theirs. And it probably had ended now all because she had left. 

But then again, she really needed to make something beautiful out of that mess, and maybe this time, make sure Tom reads it until the end. 

She feared Tom would move on, carry on. He had said it: ‘see other people’. She hadn’t even thought about that. She wouldn’t. 

But she had to get him out of her head, she needed to see her aunt. She had decided to stay with her until Emma and Tim arrived, they’d look for an apartment for the three of them. 

Was that wrong? Living with her ex? But nothing would happen, she knew that. Her heart only belonged to Tom. 

How stupid it was, the sky had never looked so pretty. A perfect sunset that was the warm hug she needed. She needed a new beginning. 

She wiped off the tears, and walked into the coffee and flower shop, y/n guessed that since it was in LA, it probably had to be more than flowers. A bell rang  as soon as y/n had walked in, the smell of coffee and flowers filled up her nose, and the woman working on the counter looked up. 

Auntie Eliza,  she hadn't seen her in a while. The woman was what you’d expect from someone who owns a flower shop in Los Angeles. She wore long skirts, and her hair up in a messy bun,  it seemed like the woman flowed, in a way, she seemed calm, and had bracelets and many earrings, and rings, many rings. So different from y/n’s mother who was a business woman and always very neat looking, but one could see the resemblance. The woman was gorgeous, no wonder Cherry looked like an actual model. 

“Y/N, dear,” the woman grinned. “I’m glad you’re finally here!” 

She approached her to give her a hug, and y/n only smiled. 

“Have you been crying my dear?” She asked right away. 

Sometimes it’s easier to let it out on a stranger than on people you’re closest with.  They don’t judge. And though she was family, she was merely a stranger. She’d seen her just a few times, her mother and her were not that close and living in different countries. 

But y/n never really liked to open to strangers. Or to anyone in general. 

“I… No, not really,” she gulped. “I’m probably allergic to the… weather here in LA,” she lied. She looked around the shop, it looked like the perfect place to cry in, to find a new beginning in. It was… just the calm she needed after crying over the phone. 

Her aunt laughed. “Oh, let’s hope not! I’ll show you your room in a bit, it’s upstairs if you want to go by yourself, second room to the right,”  she said. “I’m glad you’re staying here for a few days, you could help me out with the shop,” she said. “It’s been a mess, really, since Cherry left.” her aunt said. “Let me…” She took out her phone. “I’m texting your mother to let her know you’re here already. How is she by the way?” 

“Good, good,” y/n said. “Fine.” 

“She told me you really needed a break,” She smiled, looking up. “So I’m going to assume your allergies come from said break you really need.” 

Y/N gulped. “I-” She sighed. “Yeah, I guess.” 

“You haven’t changed,” Eliza laughed. “Still that same y/n that dresses up like you’re Marty McFly’s girlfriend.” 

Y/N grinned. “Yeah, yeah, I guess,” she chuckled. 

“I was about to close the shop,” Eliza said as she pranced around the room. “I was going to water the flowers and clean up,” she explained. “Are you too tired or would you mind helping me? It’s okay if you want to rest.”

“No, I’ll… help you.”  

She gave her some 

That had helped her. Get a little bit distracted at least. Somehow the flowers had her full attention. It was so nice. Except whenever she saw yellow flowers of course. That’s when it stung. 

“These ones are pretty,” y/n pointed out as she was delicately touching the petals of some yellow flowers. 

“Hm?” Eliza looked up. “Oh,  the yellow chrysanthemum,” Eliza nodded. She then stared at her. “Why do you like them?” 

“They’re yellow,” y/n said. 

Eliza nodded. “Most yellow flowers mean joy,” she explained. “Not those ones, though. Those mean neglected love”

Y/N scoffed. “Leave it to me to find the only ones that mean something sad” 

Aunt Eliza watched her. “Flowers speak for us,” she said. “This break will suit you, y/n,” she said. “Your mother told me what happened.” 

“She did?” Y/N sighed. Her mother had told her yet nobody had really seen if she was okay. Maybe that was why y/n had run away, if nobody would care then she’d go to somewhere where she could be happy, at least. Or pretend to be, at least. “Funny, thought she didn’t know.”

“Yes, she did” Eliza nodded. “Don’t be hard on your mother, it’s her best friend’s sons we’re talking about, and Elaine was never good with comforting.” 

Y/N nodded. 

“And as far as I know, you’re not exactly the one to speak the most about your feelings,” Eliza commented. 

“No, I don’t speak about them, I write them,” she said. “But that’s what led me to a mess. To do the worst thing I could’ve done, hurt the love of my life and push away my best friend.” 

“But it also opened a door to Hollywood,” her aunt pointed out.  She walked over. “The chrysanthemum, you know, no matter how sad its meaning is… they still make the sorrow pretty, don’t you think?” 

Maybe it was pretty. Time to make her sorrow pretty. Yellow. Yellow meant joy and happiness and cheerfulness. Maybe it was time to change the meaning of yellow flowers. 

But she wanted to go back to Tom. She wouldn’t carry on, though. 

Tom who probably would move on, who would try to move on. Yes, he would try to.  Because Tom couldn’t understand anything. 

Tom thought maybe she was right, maybe y/n had robbed him of being happy, he thought about it, how he was always angry because of her. Because he couldn’t have her and when he had they fucked it all up.  Except in New York, or Rome. 

But that… hadn’t been them. And he wondered if something had gone different, where would it have led? 

He looked at the daffodils and then at his phone, waiting for her to call again. She didn’t. 

But he made the decision, he had to move on. She had made the decision for both of them, hadn’t she? Maybe she was right, maybe they needed to finally carry on. But he didn’t want to. 

The next days were awful. And he kept waiting for another call. She never called him. But he wasn’t feeling alright. 

Of course, he didn’t tell Harry, did Harry know? Was Harry aware that y/n was gone? 

He didn’t tell Harrison.  He talked to nobody. He didn’t want to explain it. Because this was pathetic. 

He did go to the doctor, though, he didn’t understand what was going on. With his body, his mind, his heart. 

“Your body's going through withdrawal from love. You got used to having this exchange of happy chemicals between you and the person you were with. And now it’s gone and it’s normal to have a physical reaction. You’re experiencing high levels of stress which releases cortisol in the body. You’re grieving, Tom.” 

That’s what they had said. He felt stupid after going to the doctor. He hadn’t really believed it, when he had read it. Heartbreaks making him… sick? 

How did he not see it? Y/N had said it, how she had gone to the doctor, too. Was this her plan? To make him feel like she had before? 

The doctor had said: Let yourself feel, go out with friends. Keep yourself busy. 

But he didn’t want to. 

With his airpods plugged in the whole time, sad songs to make him even sadder. His heart was aching, because the girl he loved was gone. Because she had given up.  He couldn’t stomach it.  He did water the flower pot, though. Cherry had warned him they would dry out but that they’d end up blooming again, eventually. 

Tom had been spending time with Cherry, the girl was nice. She searched for him, asking him to show her around the city. And for those few days, it kept him busy .It was nice to have someone out of the whole damn circle of hell.  It was easier, in a way. Because Cherry didn’t judge him, and she didn’t ask awkward questions about y/n. A new friend, Cherry, she made him smile again, nothing else, she was so different, maybe because she was from outside his usual type of friends. 

 She was one of the few people that barely knew about Tom and y/n. She knew the whole: “Enemies” thing.  But she was making him forget his sorrow. Because Cherry didn’t know about anything else but their childhood, before the yellow flowers. 

“What happened with y/n?” She did ask, at one point. 

“Nothing.” 

“I’m no idiot, Tom, your flowers spoke, and hers did, too,” Cherry said. 

Tom really couldn’t tell her. “We both hurt each other.” 

“I can tell,” Cherry said. “Her yellow roses and tulips? She was asking for forgiveness.” 

“Yellow flowers mean a lot to us, that’s it,” he admitted. 

“And what flowers will mean something to us, then?” She had asked. 

Tom didn’t even know what she meant by that. And honestly, didn’t know if he could care. His mind went back to y/n.

When things were simpler.

He missed y/n. That was something that he couldn’t help. 

Had she stayed, what would’ve happened? Would they have just ignored it and ended up in between the sheets one Saturday evening with rain pouring down? Passionate kissing, with crescent moon shaped scars on his back. Sweat dripping down, and gentle moans, and sighs, and eye rolling toe curling movements. Exploring and memorizing each other’s bodies. Again, and again. 

Ignoring everything that could happen and everything that had happened. Them from New York. 

But maybe that’s what had saved them back then, not talking about who they really were, because they had ignored everything else in New York. Maybe y/n was right, New York wasn’t them. New York was a fantasy. A fantasy that Tom couldn’t keep out of his mind. But that was not them, not entirely. 

This, their yelling, and the ignoring and the pride speaking was them, with problems and fights and ignoring each other. That’s who they were. He couldn’t deny it. 

Maybe they were both. And he knew that one didn’t erase the other. But he knew that one was stronger. 

But he loved y/n. And maybe her hope was gone, but she was still the love of his life, no matter how horrible this had gone , he could never love someone as much. And he could try. To move on; he had to go on. But how could he? If she was the only thing in his mind. 

They hadn’t really tried, if he really thought about it, it’s like they had only had a trial. But now the years didn’t make sense, because even if they’d built up this, he couldn’t deny that they had built it upon insults, and hatred and broken hearts. Maybe she was right. 

Did he have to move on? He didn’t want to.  However, he knew… that maybe it was for the best. 

He really didn’t want to move on, so he had called his agent, because maybe something could work out.  And maybe it made no sense, but he could pretend he was okay. Maybe it was because he was greedy, or very stupid, but he wanted her to believe that fine, she had decided to leave, but that he’ll be fine. 

He was fine, a nice song would be playing in the background. Believing he was the only one crying. 

Was he, really? 

Did she miss his lips as much as he missed hers? The dexterity that they’d both shown they could be able of. It was stupid, yelling at the wind for answers. And who else would she go kiss now? That’s what Tom feared, that she’d find somebody else. Or Timmy? Tom wasn’t prepared to see her move on. Because that’s what she’d asked him, to carry on. And though he would forget his sorrow for a few minutes when he was around Cherry, his mind would go back to y/n, and his heart would keep on aching. 

But Tom knew he had to talk to Harry, and he went and searched for his brother. Harry hadn’t been talking to him. And Tom knew that if anybody understood y/n was Harry. Though Tom wasn’t as sure. 

Tom felt different. All his life he had been told that he didn’t know y/n, but did he really not know her? 

Not like Harry.  Harry probably was the only person in the world that had learned to understand y/n.  Except Tom knew, the only thing Harry had never understood about y/n was why she kept choosing Tom. 

Harry had initially not wanted to talk to Tom. He truly didn’t want to. But he had agreed to see him. Their parents had been very careful around them, they were angry at Tom, understandable. 

“She’s gone,” Tom said, after a while. They had been sitting outside their parents house, the treehouse only standing there as a reminder for Tom to ache even more. He felt it again, that pressing on his chest. “Left weeks ago.” 

“I know,” Harry said, crossing his arms. “Found out the day she left,” Harry told him. “I didn’t get to say goodbye.” 

Tom frowned. So Harry had gone to look out for her. 

“I didn’t, either” Tom said. “It was too late.” 

Harry shrugged. 

“I’m sorry,” Tom said. The apology seemed simple but it carried too much weight. Tom had never been good at apologies, no matter how many times he had apologized to y/n throughout his whole life he’d never found a way to make them mean what he really meant. 

Harry clenched his jaw. “Yeah,” he sighed. “I’m sorry, too.” 

“For what?” 

“I’m pretty sure she left because of me,” Harry said. 

And there it was, the way Harry understood y/n. The way Harry knew y/n head to toe, from the meaning behind her words and thoughts she could get. Spoken words and silences. 

“Where did she go?” Harry asked.  “I saw her before she left.” 

Tom felt… different. Even Harry had come earlier. “What happened?” Tom asked, curiously. 

“She initially didn’t want to see me, as if she was hiding from me. She felt guilty. And she-- She,” sighed. “I don’t know.” 

Tom didn’t talk. 

“I guess I wanted an answer,” Harry admitted. “I didn’t--I don’t know.” 

“You still love her, right?” 

Harry grimaced as he shifted in his seat. He gulped as he played with his phone. “I asked her what I could’ve done better. If in another lifetime it could’ve been me,” Harry said. “She didn’t have an answer.” 

There was that fear Tom had always had, how selfish it was of Tom, he was so arrogant. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry said again. “I know you are in love with her, and she is in love with you, but I couldn’t help but wonder, you know, the late nights, the laughing, the stories we made, the photographs hanging here and there. The way she knows me and the way I know her, and because the story was built up that way, you know? And now I’m here knowing I fucked it up, because now the weekends will come and she won’t be there, and I know that I’ll find something funny and I won’t be able to send it to her. I will have to watch those movies alone, and I don’t know… I don’t understand my heart,” Harry admitted. “Because I lost her forever, and I know that.  And I… I read the script. And I know it, I need her, you know? It’s hard because what I feared the most was losing her friendship and now I don’t have anyone to talk with, she’s the only person I could trust on this, and I can’t believe I fucked it up so much by not thinking about her, about you. I shouldn’t have kissed her. Because maybe, seeing the story now it probably only meant that we were supposed to be friends.” 

Tom felt guilty again. 

“But you know, even.... Even if I wonder if she misses me, I know… I know that it’ll never be the way she feels about you, you know? And I don’t… want her, too.” 

Tom looked away. “I can’t hide it anymore, Harry,” he said. “I know you love her and I spent my whole life trying to make her love you and I guess I never stopped to see how I felt, you know?” 

Harry finally looked at his brother. 

“And I know it, I’m stupid for doing that, but I still… now I saw it, I accepted it and I wanted it to work this time, and I know that this last time… I just wanted to erase everything I’ve done, but maybe y/n’s right we can’t really ignore who we are, and we can build it up from there and we can’t pretend it didn’t happen, but then she wrote me something and I saw it and… And Harry I...I know you loved her, but I am so in love with her, too and I… I couldn’t even tell her I was sorry, too.” 

Harry kept quiet. 

“I am so in love with her, and I can’t get why she left is she loves me, too.” 

“She did one bad thing and it all blew up in her face, meanwhile you spent your entire life hurting her and no one really gave you shit for it,” Harry pointed out. “I understand why she left. I would’ve too.” 

Tom frowned. 

“I thought about it, how we didn’t… We were too busy with ourselves blaming it on her and we didn’t stop to see what we did wrong,” Harry continued. “I got angry at her for never telling me about her feelings but I never really said anything either, I got angry at her for not kissing me back when I shouldn’t have done it. Yes, you got angry at her for writing a script where she was taking revenge but you never stopped to think how much you’ve hurt her among the years, and how she’s doubted herself for her entire life because of every single comment you’ve directed her way,” Harry said. “I know y/n, but I still can’t figure that one out, how even after everything she decided to open her heart to you,” Harry scoffed. “I’m not trying to blame it on you, but-” 

“I… hadn’t thought about that,” Tom admitted. “But why did she give up just now after we knew we could-” 

“Now we both know how it feels to be rejected by y/n,” Harry joked. “Maybe you should read her script,” Harry said. “You’d understand it,” Harry nodded. “You’ve always said she never noticed, but she did, she was the only one to notice that you could have feelings for her.” 

“I’m just--I don’t understand how she threw away all our progress, you know?” 

“Was she the one to throw it out?” Harry questioned. 

Tom frowned. 

“Before the… incident,” Harry said. “She told me about the script,” Harry admitted. “And how she had no idea how to tell you, but that she wanted to, she was trying to find a way to tell you but you had already pushed her away.” 

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose. “Then I exploded and did what I did best, hurt her.” 

“Yeah.” 

“How do you even know all of this?” TOm frowned.

Harry chuckled. “I’ve spent my whole life listening to her rant about you, she never understood you and… I read the script, Tom.” 

“I just want to get her back,” Tom sighed. 

“And I want Emma back,” Harry said. “But here we are both.” 

“Emma, then?” 

“Yes,” Harry sighed. “She’s the love of my life and I was stupid enough to get my heart be confused.” 

Tom understood, though. He would’ve been confused. Tom himself had been confused about it. 

“I guess when Emma threw the ring at my face, I thought--You can’t lose more, you know?” Harry sighed. “But it was stupid to think, I don’t know, I was broken hearted, I dunno, I think I searched for y/n because I was too broken hearted. It’s easy to look for some familiarity you know?” 

Tom shrugged. “Dunno.” 

“And now I’m… I miss Emma too much, and I can’t seem to deal with the heartbreak, I lost the love of my life and my best friend all in the matter of days,” Harry coughed. “I dunno.” 

“So you don’t have feelings for y/n anymore?” Tom questioned. 

“I don’t know, but even if I did that shouldn’t fucking stop you, Tom.” 

“I-- You don’t mean that.” 

Harry nodded. “Yes, because she was supposed to love you, and you love her.” 

“I don’t miss her that much,” Tom lied. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to admit it. “How am I--- fuck, I do, and I’ve never felt this bad, I went to the doctor, and I… I still can’t,” Tom knew his voice was cracking and his fingers were shaking. “I just… For the first time, I know Harry, I know you loved her but--” 

“No, no,” Harry shook his head. “I… I’d rather let her be happy with you.” 

“But it doesn’t matter now, she left and fuck, it’s all shit right now,” Tom said. “And she didn’t accept my… I don’t know.” 

“Well, go after her,” Harry frowned. 

“She told me not to,” Tom gulped. 

“You don’t know her at all, do you?” Harry shook his head. “You know, there’s a part of me that really wants to help you out with this. So my advice is go after her.” 

Tom gulped. “I know her enough to know she really doesn’t want me to be there.” 

Harry clenched his jaw. “How stupid would it be of me if I helped you get the girl?” He asked to the air, mostly to himself. “I could easily sabotage you, I won’t but… Do I want to help yet another guy get the girl I was in love with my whole life?” 

Tom gulped. “I’m not asking for help,” Tom said. 

“I know,” Harry said. “I wouldn’t do it for you,” he shrugged. “But maybe that would be my way of telling her I fucked up and that I’m sorry,” Harry groaned.  “And if I make sure she knows I was the one to help you and then… If she’s with you, then I’ll be with Emma, and I know that’s the most selfish reason I could come up with but I--I don’t know. 

Tom chuckled. “That’s the most selfless selfish thing one could do,” Tom shrugged.

“Where did she go?” Asked Harry. “If I know her enough she probably finally went to Greece, to start her Mamma Mia fantasy,” he laughed. “But guess I don’t know her anymore. And Emma’s gone, too.” 

“Los Angeles,” Tom said. “They’re making her script,” Tom explained. “Emma is in LA, too, with Timmy.” 

Harry looked up, hopeful. A ray of sunshine hit Harry. 

“Tom you do realize that this is even easier than you thought?” 

And it probably was, especially with Harry’s new plan or idea or whatever he was coming up with,  but Tom really, wasn’t brilliant. Because maybe it was easy seeing it all from outside the problem. But Tom hadn’t been careful. Tom never stopped to see his actions. 

And y/n, she really didn’t want to move on. She had continued to work at the shop in her free time, she liked to be surrounded by flowers. Learning its meaning and drinking coffee, making corrections to the script, helping her aunt. 

Maybe it really was fine making her sorrow prettier, and she really was trying to keep herself busy, going out, having fun or pretending to have fun, with her new roommates, Tim and Emma. 

Pretending to be fine. Not wanting to move on just yet. And she wouldn’t have made the decision to move on until she had seen it, and y/n thought about it, how she wasn’t the kind of flower that was popular among people, she wasn’t the type of flower that people knew the meaning to. And maybe she finally understood how it felt to finally die out of thirst. 

Maybe y/n shouldn’t have gone back on social media, and maybe it had been a mistake to follow her cousin’s Instagram. She probably should’ve gone out with Tim and Emma instead. She wouldn’t have seen it, and realized that maybe Tom had let the flowers she’d given him dry out. 

A picture of Cherry’s lips on Tom’s cheek had taken away the little hope y/n barely had. As if someone had drowned her in her room and there was no escape. Funnily enough,  drowning and everything, y/n thought about it, maybe she was the kind of flower that people let die of thirst in an empty vase. 

prologue next chapter   perennial masterlist.

perfidy  ( series masterlist)

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