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urdtarah · 6 months ago

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It's late so I'm screaming into the void AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#im sick of pain and heartbreak #it's really so exhausting having my spirit crushed #then i remember oh thats right thats why i don't open up #but shutting down is how i got here #years later dealing with shit bc i essentially paused my feelings to survive #it makes me feel weak but on the other hand both of my therapists dealt with ppl in similar situations that were institutionalized #and thankfully ive never been that bad #i mean i dont even sh or drink #i smoke but i literally have a med card so idc lol #im doing good i really am #im taking care of myself better than ever #but its still too much sometimes #urdtarah complains

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thebirdandhersong · 3 months ago

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Lol

#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting #with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy #and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because #your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED #OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered #being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal #anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this #can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws #worries #and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please #also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up #in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite #but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying #you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents #but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents #not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up #that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY #you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard #i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation #and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far

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zackcharine · 6 days ago

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I need to try harder to get out of bed but augh

#🤖.txt #aghhfjg i really need to catch up on sleep. but i also want to do stuff but idk. this is dumb but nothing i do really feels worth the effor #anymore. Thinking like this is sad bc drawing is one of the few things i like doing and make me happy but idk #i might just go back to the way things were before. Just wait for the weekend and spend as much time drawing then #genuinely dont want to do anything at all this is so frustrating and im so tired and sad all the time #i know i should be using my break to focus on studying but with what time #Idkkkk i just really hate living like this #thinking about dropping out again but that would just mean house chores + babysitting full time while job hunting and idk if i can handle #that. I cant handle anything anymore and this is making me so sad . I want to be useful and do so many things but i reached my limit months #ago. I just wanted a week or two to just rest its all i need . But i know im never gonna get that again and at this point i might as well #just die but i cant do that neither bc i have shit to do #Everyone is always talking about how i have it so easy and how things are just gonna get worse bc they think me being home = me not doing #anything and idk. I cant take anything anymore and i think the most upsetting part of this is that i know theyre right #im not doing barely anything and i dont know. How to do more im just useless and ungrateful for the things i have #Really stressed and tired and literally nothing happened. Its gonna be 2pm soon and im supposed to wake up Earlier #But yeagh. this wasnt supposed to be this wall of text i just wanted to say that i might give up on art again for a while #aughhh i dont know how to do anything right idk how to live or take care of myself how am i supposed to raise someone .#this is. too much i think. I reallyyyyy need to relearn how to just talk to myself . I cant keep dropping these everyday and being . This t #evsryone around me. Everyone in my life deserves so much better than ill ever be #vent

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walking-loather · 3 months ago

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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.

Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.

TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.

If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.

If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.

If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.

If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.

If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.

If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.

If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.

If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.

If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.

If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.

If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.

If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.

If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.

I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.

If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.

If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.

If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.

These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.

And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.

If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.

Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.

#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity #i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed #that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time #or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better #not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person #i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice #no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it #i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy #(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all #and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel #what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish #ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals #and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing #or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more #i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness #disability #chronic pain #spoonie #one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me #i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to #i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything #stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much #and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go

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beancalzone · 7 months ago

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So that apple music top 100 albums list huh

#this is the most blatantly biased list of albums I have ever seen IN MY LIFE #THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL RANKED 74. OUT OF 100. SEVENTY FUCKING FOUR #YOURE RANKING TAKE CARE BY /DRAKE/ IN THE TOP 50 BUT DOWNWARD SPIRAL AT 74. PUTTING KANYE AT 26 ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING #ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME KANYE IS A BETTER PRODUCER THAN TRENT REZNOR???? TRENT FUCKING REZNOR????????????#TRENT REZNOR WHO HAS PRODUCED SOUNDTRACKS FOR MULTIPLE FEATURE FILMS. WHO HAS WON AWARDS FOR HIS PRODUCTION WORK #its so over oh my god we're never coming back #look I know downward spiral gets straight up unpalatable at times but ITS ART. ITS RAW AND ITS VISCERAL AND ITS HIGH ART IM GOING TO BLOW UP #im also a little radiohead HATER so Im already >:/ about them having two albums on here. but people dickride them like crazy so I can see it #not to say that like. they didnt redefine alt rock as a genre like I will admit that they did. i just think theyre overrated #also yeah ofc the beatles have two albums on here because everyone loves mid apparently #anyway Ive been making myself mad about this so time will pass at work so once the clock strikes 4pm est I no longer give a shit #cal.txt

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avakitsune · 13 hours ago

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#maybe its aveline #this week has been rough and im all alone #im considering deleting my blog before new years and straight up just disappearing off the face of the earth again #and like yeah people have reached out but i have no one irl and it doesnt get better #i have no way out of the situation im in. ive been stuck alone with no way out since 2020 and there is no escape #ive tried really hard for a long time and nothing works and i dont really even get why ive tried so hard all these years #what the fuck was any of this for? i went through all that abuse and all that heartache and not only is no one sorry for what they did #they have no interest in helping me pick up the pieces of a life that was destroyed because everyone in my life walked away from me #at the moment that i needed them. and i dont want to feel anything anymore. i dont care. im empty. my life is meaningless and pointless #im just a punching bag.#so if i disappear dont concern yourself with me. no one will miss me more than it takes to forget someone left the room. thats who i am.#forgettable and pointless and useless. and i just dont want to exist anymore #dont guilt trip me over posting this. i dont care. i have no one to talk to on any human level and everyone wants something from me #merry christmas. you may not ever hear from me again #id tag this with trigger warnings but i dont want anyone freaking out so just know its ideations and thats it.#im too much of a coward to actually hurt myself anyway. if i wasnt such a coward id be through with this already #also this has been my life since 2018. its not worth living

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24-guy · 3 months ago

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Honestly proud of myself for not ranting on here every day about the current hyperfixation.

It has meant that my friends get like. Tens of messages that all require "read more" buttons. But that's fine because I get about as much of a reaction from those as I would here to them! That being nothing.

But I'm okay, really!

#j is talking again #im not i think i slipped into depression again despite taking care of myself better than i have literally ever before #i know my warning signs and theyre all there its just that i want to pretend i cant read for a bit if thats not too much to ask?

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lith-myathar · 1 year ago

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#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior #ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing #but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day #i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else #and i didn't feel it happening #my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise #i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes #this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care.#eventually and inevitably i do damage.#and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better #not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that.#trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really #really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect #but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that.#but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated.#all i can ever think to do is isolate #*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist #or adjust my medication. god. im so tired.#why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then

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pyrriax · 6 months ago

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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏

#haunted ecosystem #i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months #<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat #dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer #((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is #that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better #because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and #you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain #and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be #and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that #somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!

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heyitslapis · 1 year ago

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I don't have time for people who don't have time for me

#yes yes i know adult life leaves little room for spending time with people who you care about & even if we have time we're burnt out #but my whole adult life has been white-knuckled clinging to relationships or people that barely if ever send that energy back #as soon as theyre onto the next person that will entertain them. as soon as theyve found something to fill the time that i usually take up #as soon as theyve gotten all they wanted from me emotionally. as soon as its inconvient to see me. almost as soon as theyre bored #then suddenly its me waiting for a text. waiting for a day to hang out. hearing over and over again that yet another thing is more importan #than me. and i get it. life happens. schools important. work is important. rest is important. but at the point im at in my life #im looking for people who actually make an effort not just give months and months of excuses as to why they suddenly cant hang out #im a pushover. im easy-going. im a very understanding person. i get it bc theres also very few days per week that im free to socialize #but i cant keep letting myself act subservient to everyone else in my life. i always put my friends & potential friends so high on pedestal #i treat them & their time as precious. now i refuse to let someone do anything but the same for me. my time/energy/love is just as precious #i dont deserve only a text when you need something from me or just to act as a treat to tide me over until the next transgression #and i certainly am NOT going to be the person that you can stand-up and then expect to still answer your text. not anymore.#in prioritizing my mental health lately ive realized that this pattern HAS TO STOP. i cant allow myself to continue the same harmful cycles #i deserve better. i need better. i WANT BETTER #emma vents #vent tag #healing tag

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mydr3aminvi0let · 7 months ago

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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that

#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back #sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with #idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that #community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize #bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought #he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive #i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better #so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH #my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body #believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how #as a woman #can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids #when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me #when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison #in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty #i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing #but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with #reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers #tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like #i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming #you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in #i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement #singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now #there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart

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clownwwx · 1 year ago

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kind of realizing that ever since i left my job and have been doing nothing but focusing on my hobbies / drawing,, i have been the happiest

#jess things #the happiest ever since i graduated in 2020 #idk where life is going to take me and i do feel a lil hazy and anxious rn #but also i have hope that everything will turn out okay #i still have my shitty days and whatnot it cant be helped #but still… better to have shitty days and i can take care of myself through it #rather than have a shitty day and then worry abt going to work at the worst place ever #anyways im v lucky to have some money on the side from some accident lol #and im still looking for a job throughout it all :’)#but in the meantime the little everyday moments make me feel so happy and at peace

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sillywebz · 2 years ago

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as a fellow oldest sibling i think we need to talk more abt how axelea is affected by eldest daughter syndrome

#'none of the surrounding adults are taking care of these kids so now they are My responsibility'#'i have to protect them and seem like everything is ok and ive got everything together when i really just have every problem ever'#'im showing favoritism and i want to kill myself for feeling that way'#'why are my younger siblings fundamentally better people than i am msupposed to be the role model here' but also 'i have to save them from #etc etc. at this point i think it will just be me projecting #but like. even tho hes back together w everyone i feel he must have some unresolved trauma over what hes been through for these kids #imo hes got issues that still exist and should be addressed #axelea #kh #kingdom hearts #kat post

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wickedwaterwyvern · 2 years ago

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Would Felicia Hardy approve of how you take care of your cats? Didn't think so. Do better.

#mine are my babies and i take better care of them than i ever have taken care of myself #my well no longer friend told me some apalling shit shes done to her cats.#i legitimately just got up and walked out of her house because i was 🤏 this close to ending up in jail #im not a fighter first #i prefer talking #but some of the shit she said made me want to hit a bitch

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hes-a-tough-kid · 1 year ago

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If you see the final word count for my completed fic gently increasing over months and months no you dont

#i have realised that the ‘fast n loose’ method for churning out a fic doesnt work for me actually #i am so sad that so much of that fic was skipped- or told and not shown- or brushed over in favour of me forcing it out quickly #i know i did it for a good reason- that if i took my time with it and it grew bigger and bigger that there was a risk i would have exhausted #myself and not finished it at all which would have been way worse #i think actually taking 3 months to craft 15k chapters with many drafts makes me happier than churning out 4k in a week #that being said im so glad its finished and that- somehow- it did so much better than i would have ever dreamed <33 #now i can go back and make it what i want it to be without the pressure of racing against my own stamina #and. if im really honest. i didnt think i would still be into avatar for this long lmao #i thought id lose the brainrot at around month three so i had to finish the fic before then #and yet. month 7 and i draw spider in my sketchbook every day. i think about him every spare minute.#the brainrot is still kicking and im happy #anyway here i go to dive back into that fic and add even more angst and whump and maybe another hug. if spider is lucky #i also want to write a little one shot about Ngaire properly taking care of spider after something bad happens #but idk if people wanna read OC stuff and its certainly not my comfort zone so i might keep it to myself #N E WAY this was the biggest and dumbest ramble to myself about my own fics lmao i should really shut up and just go write :’)

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yikes-ajax-thats-sad · 7 days ago

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Screaming out I want something but I don't know what I want anymore. Nothing feels good anymore. Temporary only gets shorter. I want to be loved and cared for but I will kick and claw, completely conflicting myself. What is it I need so bad?

What is it I need so bad?

#crying like a child because getting what i want hurts more than yearning for it. i am just a dog chasing its tail #i wanna throw a tantrum. i wanna break things. hurt people. scream. but why? why is nothing ever enough?#im sorry im such a horrible person to be around. and if you dont think i am yet then trust me you will #im just tired. im so tired. when was the last time i felt secure in any relationship? am i doomed to be alone? wanna kms to spare everyone #not even that. i wanna go missing and die. then no funeral cost and no burdens #i hate myself so deeply. he was right. i am just an abuser. i do nothing but hurt. ive never made anyone happy. not really #my existence is entirely worthless. so why am i still here? what the fuck do i want? or is it merely an inability to take action? im so lazy #i just want to be okay but i can't see any future where i get over this. time will never heal me it has only made me worse.#why do i even write this? nobody sees it and it doesn't make me feel better. it just makes me lose even more meaning #sorry i should shut up i know im selfish and a burden and you dont care im sorry i swear ill be good just dont leave im sorry im sorry im so

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