#i have no way out of the situation im in. ive been stuck alone with no way out since 2020 and there is no escape

[avakitsune]

.

[httpiastri]

as happy as i am for lissie and marcus (even though I knew they were already together because I literally watched them make out with my own two eyes) it was honestly my last straw. I’m so tired of seeing everybody on my social feeds happy and in relationships when I’ve just had the worst week of my life and have basically given up on falling in love because if I can’t even drive how am I going to go to places where I’ll meet people?!?!? i have spent every Valentine’s Day alone while my friends go on elaborate dates and I’m just so so tired

not the make out sesh 😩 oh to see them with my own two eyes irl... what a pretty sight it would be

this got quite personal and hit a little too close to home so im putting a lil keep reading thing

love :(( i’m truly sorry you feel this way... but god i felt this ask so much... first of all, i'm really sorry about you having a bad week. it's completely fine to feel the way you're feeling, it must really suck, but i'm sure you'll get the license and you'll be driving shortly!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you ❤️

i’ve always been very calm about relationships and love, very much “i’m not in a rush” and ��it’ll come when it’s time”. i’ve always been a hopeless romantic but i haven’t been stressed about it – i’ve always been so busy that i haven’t really had time for love, and i've been okay with hearing about friends and their great love lives while i've spent pretty much every weekend and holiday alone at home. but… eventually, it becomes exhausting, you know? when falling in love for real just seems so far away and like something so hard to achieve in some way....

i also kind of feel you on the driving part... i decided not to get my license for a bunch of reasons, and idk how i'll get around without driving... but also as i am still living with my parents, it just seems impossible to meet someone, because where would i bring them? home to meet my snooping parents?? no way

i think we just gotta hold on to the hope that when it is the right time, it will happen. i don't believe in the whole "don't rush it" thing, i think that we're all allowed to seek and chase love if we want to, but i also think it's okay to take a step back and just breathe and be okay with the situation. unfortunately, our current day society is so formed around relationships, soft launches and hard launches and dinner date pics on insta and public proposal videos, that i feel like the pressure easily gets overwhelming. there's also something in the way that people think other people's love lives is any of their business, like friends and relatives asking me why i don't have a boyfriend, as if a partner is something i need to live my life? surely it would make it better, but i don't need to be reminded and hurt yet again over the fact that i'm alone, when i'm just trying to move on in life...

i'm trying to stay patient, open to any opportunity, and remembering that social media is merely a highlight reel and not reality. i hope you too can find peace in remembering that things will get better, we just have to work through this first. we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. darling, if you ever need something from me, want to rant, or anything else, know that my messages and inbox are always open 💗

[madaracore]

[hollowblxxd]

Its been one hell of a long time since ive rambled about something so heres my rambles on mouthwashing and how i think everyone kinda seeing some stuff wrong.

This is mostly a focus on the situation between Anya and Jimmy unfortunately, and also my opinion on Curly and the innocence he has and the weight he carries. I understand the game doesn't go in depth on what happened between Anya and Jimmy but I think the subtle-ness of the games speaks more volumes than any dialogue. Basically in my head, given how Anya acts around Jimmy, I think the truth behind what happens its more long-term. That they were "together" in obviously a very abusive way. Jimmy constantly gaslighting, belittling then lovebombing, etc. etc. manipulating Anya into believing she had to be with him. I think the "one worse monster that doesnt define us" is the one moment in the relationship where Jimmy "took it too far" (the SA and possibly threat with a gun). I remember seeing another post of Curly being a metaphor for the future baby they would have together and seeing how Anya acts literally seems like a timid broken wife of an abuser. She too scared and guilty to work on the child she hates looking at and Jimmy is "forced" to do it, continuing to berate her for "not doing her job" (aka being a nurse OR being a mother.) I feel like that alone tells you how their relationship is. Anya isn't just a one-time victim but a LONG TERM VICTIM of the constant mental, emotional AND physical abuse at the hands of Jim. It doesn't wipe clean the one thing he did because they were "dating", Im not at all using this as a justification for anything at all but I suppose Im putting it in prespective. Because it leads into my next part with Curly. Everyone doesnt know what to think of Curly, good bad, whatever. I remember I was also mad to when I first found out about what Jimmy did and I was in fact mad at Curly for not doing more. But then I genuinely thought about it. Imagine you are literally hearing this for the first time, imagine you didnt even know Anya and Jimmy were "in a relationship", imagine if you did know they were a thing but didnt know what was going on behind closed doors, imagine if this was a one time event and the person you thought you knew was actually just a bad person. Imagine. Having not even a DAY, A DAY TO PROCESS THAT. Imagine if you had your own mental disorders that making it hard to process heavy emotions and now your stuck with this and you dont know what to do Imagine. Thats what Curly had to go thru. I understand why people are mad that Curly didnt do more, but in the end I want to personally believe that it such a complicated situation. That Anya and Jimmy seemed like they were on good terms, that maybe they were okay but they werent because behind closed door or when they were alone, Jimmy was eating Anya alive like some predatory parasite. Its a lot to process and Curly didnt have time to process it. He didn't have time to process that his friend was a monster, that his crew was unsafe, that HE had bad judgement, that maybe HE TOO was a BAD PERSON for NOT SEEING IT SOONER. Sometimes bad things happen and you dont know and you had to hold that guilty forever. Curly isn't a bad person, hes jsut a PERSON, a person going thru and being the sole person responsible for a LOT of literal possible blood on his hands. Hes trying so fucking hard to tread this all lightly to protect everyone. I don't think at all that Curly was trying to protect Jimmy. I think he was trying to protect his crew. Hes trying to be a good captain and sometimes that doesnt mean just fucking putting an axe thru Jimmy's head. Anya doesnt need to see that, Daisuke doesn't need to see that, Im sure Swansea would have volunteered but Curly wouldnt want to turn Swansea into a fucking MURDERER after all the years he spent being an honest man. Anya is already guilty and broken, Daisuke is innocent and young, Swansea is trying so hard to be on the good side of life. Curly is delicately balancing EVERYTHING. ITS ALL ON HIM HE TOOK THIS RESPONSIBILITY AND IT HURTS.

[angelliicc]

xo, call me

“so if its feeling right

why should we say goodbye?”

masterlist

a/n hi guysss!! im back bc i finished my exams this week. im deadass tired and trying to not fall asleep. anyways enjoy

warnings not proofread, mentions of ex bf

| the final bell rang in bio, making your way to math class. you usually stayed on the 3rd floor, waiting for all the chaos on the staircases to die down. you wore a black sweatshirt, jeans, along with your black converse. you hair was half-up half-down with a red bow. as you were walking to math, your ex found you in the hallway. he had always been very clingy, never understanding.

“hey there pretty girl.” he said to you as he followed you down to the first floor. you got icked out immediately.

“leave me alone please.” you told him, attempting to walk faster.

“not when you look this beautiful.” he said, as he grabbed your arm to make you stay close to him.

“dont touch me!” you said in a stern tone, immediately making sure he released your arm. thankfully by your surprise, a girl was watching the whole time.

she had auburn hair that was up half-up half-down and went above her shoulders, green eyes, and freckles. she wore a hoodie with green parachute pants.

the way she saw the situation, she was immediately worried, so she decided to step in.

“the fuck you think you’re doing?” she said to the guy.

“talking to the prettiest girl i know.” he replied, looking straight into your eyes.

she wrapped her arm around your neck and shoulder. “a girl thats taken.”

you looked at her, “wait wh-?”

she gave you a look, basically telling you to shut up in a nice way. then it clicked.

“what your mouth next time you’re around her, or ill kick your ass. got it?” she repeated defensively.

the guy wasn’t scared, but annoyed. he left in defeat, a scoff leaving his mouth as he rolled his eyes.

“hope you didn’t mind. i didn’t like the way he talked to you. im ellie.” ellie said.

“no, thank you. i really appreciate it.” you told her.

on the outside, you looked fine. but on the inside, you we’re freaking out. not because of fear, but because of how brave she was. she did that, for you. for your safety. you blushed at the thought of her defending you again.

“how do you know him? seems like a bitch.” she asked, as you both walked down in the hallway.

“ex-boyfriend, sadly.” you replied. “but once again, i really thank you for helping me out there. do you mind if i get your number?” you didn’t think twice as the words left your lips.

“oh no, not at all.” she said as she handed you her phone to put your number in. “thanks”

“see you again sometime?” you asked nervously.

“yeah, see ya.”

your brain was still trying to comprehend and process what the fuck just happened, as everything happened so fast.

a few hours later the school day ended. you decided to text ellie.

r: “hii”

e: “heyy, how ru?”

r: “im good wbu?”

e: “tired”

r: “same.”

e: “dyk if you have any classes with me?”

r: “no not really, whats your schedule?”

ellie then sent a photo of each block that she had, 1-7.

r: “we have math and history together”

e: “i can finally have someone to talk to, lol”

r: “sameee”

e: “hey about earlier, sorry if i pushed a boundary i didn’t know about. i just didn’t like the way he talked to you, it just made my blood boil. if you don’t wanna talk to me anymore, i completely understand. i wont take it personal.”

r: “nonono, i really liked it that you stuck up for me. no ones ever done that for me before. and i do want to keep talking to you. you seem like a really cool person.”

e: “thank you, thats one of the best compliments ive received.”

r: “im gonna head to bed, but ill see you tomorrow! good night”

e: “night 💫”

as you put your phone away, it was hard to fall asleep. all you did was think about her. she was on your mind for that entire night. because what you both had, felt right.

weeks went by, and you guys became an incredible duo. you both were always together. you knew what made each other smile, happy, laugh, cry, become sad, and so much more.

finally, it was hoco week. you already knew what to wear, since the theme was ocean. as you got to school, ellie asked you the question that every student asked their peers. “are you going to homecoming?”

“yeah, i really wanna go. i already have my outfit. i dont have a date, but its fine.” you told her.

the bell rang, signaling for students to get to their first class. “ive got dance, ill see you later tho.” you told her

“peace, i got bio-med.” she replied.

block 1 officially ended, giving students a 15 minute passing period. you sat outside, waiting for ellie. “wheres this girl?” you thought. suddenly, a crowd began to form. you turned around and saw ellie standing infront of you, with a poster and flowers. everyone had their phones out, recording your answer and reaction.

your face lit up in shock, with you hands covering your face. will you be my supermodel for the weekend @ hoco? the poster said. “she remembered my fav artist, sza. and my fav flowers.” you thought. “yes!!” you said as you ran up to hug her.

“im not done.” she told you in your ears as you gave her a hug. “will you be my girlfriend?”

this moment couldn’t be real. it was all a dream. you were on cloud 9. you wanted someone to pinch you. “of course i will.” you replied as you gave her a kiss on her lips.

i’ve been everywhere, seen everyone

but what we got feels right.

[phagodyke]

doing the classic 'trying to open cards ppl sent but I have to keep putting my face in my hands and sobbing snottily bc I don't understand why they were so kind and it scares me so much'

back home and my washing is done and I need to eat lunch and do my ironing and then I've done all the tasks on my list and I can spend the rest of the day having a mental breakdown and then go straight to sleep woohoo

[infranthrax]

helo. im one they call 🍂 and id like to. make a request. i hope ur doing okay (*＞∇＜)ﾉ ur free to write this or not

i would like to request an angst w/ a good ending type of thing if its okay. a platonic f!reader&heartslabyul (seperately. if its limited to one character, you can go with riddle) headcanon that has the following plot;

mc is a pessimistic person, a very tired, overworked one. all they want is a bit of peace and quiet, but they care about the heartslabyul gang very much. they have kind of become a mom/older sister to the group (kinda like trey). anyway, one day the gang realizes that mc seems more irritable than usual which results in them making a snide remark/get in an arguement about the guy's flaws (like how riddle hurt many pre-overblot, how ace runs his mouth at the worst times, how deuce is not the brightest around, cater being addicted to his little social media sites, and trey ignoring the problems regarding riddle because he didnt want conflict, etc etc) that would hurt them.

they kind of ghosting everyone for a couple of days to calm down, and then they awkwardly come back with a box of sweets (that they managed to purchase by scraping by lmao, girlie's poor as hell...) to apologize, and eat them over tea! mc apologizes directly and wants to make up for their words, but they are not the best at speaking their mind.

ive seen countless fics where the main cast gets to be the agressive and sad, sopping wet cats, and reader comforting them. ngl, i wanted to write a piece where MC is the "sad little pathetic shrimp" but i just didnt have the time. anyway, i hope you like this prompt

oh my god I love this prompt! the mc is definitely the therapist of the group and I can imagine this happening… I restricted it down to just riddle given how detailed this prompt was, the rest of the dorm is self explanatory.☺️/pos (and thank you for your kind words! I hope you’re having a good day/night!)

generating new memory… please, one moment… ✨

𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊!

Heartslabyul x f!reader — headcanons!

sypnopsis: mc has had enough of the anal shenanigans after a near traumatic event, and she lashes back out at riddle, who is left bewildered and heated at the event.

light tw // domestic conflict, implied traumatic event

riddle rosehearts

riddle is just anal and sometimes he comes off as bossy and or ungrateful. that’s not really his intention however. that’s just an act of conditioning he’s been through.

so when he sees that you’re overwhelmed, at first he blind sighted to it. riddle isn’t great per se at emotions— let alone the ones of other people.

he gets on you for being late to class one day and it all piles up. You’re in a dorm full of boys— what girl wouldn’t have enough? at the time it was little around the time in which riddle overblotted, and he just went on with daily life like none of that ever happened.

he fucking hurt your ass. quite frankly that was the first (of many) overblots you’ll have to go through, and that’s how you’re gonna handle it? hell no, especially after the fact that you had to play superwoman to get the goons out of a near death situation.

before this, you had gotten into tiffs with the redhead on numerous occasions, trying to ground him down. never really did it work though as he was always stuck in his perfectionist ways. and you hated that about him because his mannerisms reflected into you.

he expected you to be able to carry yourself in a manner that would suit him. he expected you to dress a certain way. he expected you to follow his orders, his rules, his ultimatum. that you couldn’t stand any longer.

when he got on you for being tardy, the melting pot overflowed… and it wasn’t pretty either. let’s say you were in pain, in addition to your mental health plummeting due to not really having anyone to talk to, and then when mother nature calls upon you for your monthly drain you must attend.

you shouldn’t mess with the wrath of a woman on her period. this, riddle learned the hard way… with you.

“riddle… i swear… on god’s green earth, if you don’t shut the hell up… i’m fucking TRYING. I’M TRYING! FUCK YOU, YOU UPTIGHT PIECE OF SHIT, GO ON SOMEWHERE!”

and then the fire brewed. and then it exploded. (quite literally.) it would be hellish screaming match between you two, despite riddle claiming he is above such things. he really isn’t, he’s got a temper that’s about as fagile as glass. (no, it’s not microwave safe.)

after your blow up with riddle, you both proceed to give each other the silent treatment for the better part of a month. during this time you find comfort in your other classmates, spending time with other students outside of heartsllabyul, namely vil and rook, just for a boost of female empowerment.

and while riddle was contemplating all the bullshit that went down between the two of you, he began to feel a little bit of guilt. mattered if fact, both of you did. you shouldn’t have been so aggressive and he shouldn’t have been so… well, himself.

before class one day you enter your lab room to see a small box at your seat with a little note attached to it.

it was from riddle— a little chocolate potion bottle with those biscuits— the exact ones from the disney movie. little did he know, you happened to pop by sam’s shop to get him some mini fruit tarts and snuck into his class early to put them on his desk. you ate his little gift up, in a little bit of worry. would he accept that?

at the end of the day though, you had to return to heartslabyul to see him. and what a surprise, he wanted to talk to you.

call it him playing kiss ass— no, he’s not. he’s sorry. to be true, he should be more careful and more intuitive as a dorm lead to ensure the comfort of his students, and he does understand that sometimes he can come off as overbearing or, dare i say dictatorial. it’s really not meant to cause harm. it has a lot to do with his upbringing.

and you were sorry too. and you both hugged it out. every couple has their tiffs, right? just something he’s gonna have to work on.

[yeahiwasintheshit]

so i watched john cassavetes' 'a woman under the influence' the other night, and hooboy was that an intense movie. with an amazing performance by gena rowlands as mabel. and peter falk is great in it too. but boy is this a hard watch. you just feel bad for all these people, especially mabel. shes clearly a person in distress and she just doesnt have the people in her life that can help. not only cant help, but make her situation worse. what adds to the intensity is the way its shot, it almost feels like a documentary of this family. natural light, natural performances, natural dialogue. rowlands and falk really become these people. the thing is you also really like them. falk's character nicky really does some horrible horrible shit, and you end up feeling like hes the one mentally worse off by the end, because almost every decision he makes is wrong. but he clearly loves his wife, who is a very sick person, he just doesnt know what the right thing to do is. theres no excuse for his abuse, its bad, and hes a lousy father, but falk is such a charismatic and sorta lovable presence, you dont necessarily forgive him, there just arent any villains in the movie.

theyre just this sad family who are dealing with this mental illness, that they dont really understand, nor does the society around them. when she goes to the hospital for 6 months, and the day she comes back and nicky invites a house full of people to celebrate, you just want to strangle the guy, but its coming from a pure place of wanting to make a normal house, but its so hard to watch. plus the doctor who commits her seems to have encouraged the party, so thats another part of it, but what a bad decision. then theyre at the table and hes yelling that he wants her to have a normal conversation, and this poor woman is locked and stuck. she doesnt know what to do. the gif above is so heart wrenching. shes saying this to her father, and ooof it knocks it right out of you. that whole final third of the movie is notched up to a level 11, which is like watching a horror movie. everyone does the wrong thing for this suffering woman, and she reacts accordingly. its also hard to watch it from a 2024 perspective cause you know she could prob live a better life today with the right meds, and the right medical information for her and nicky to deal with her illness.

anyway ive been sitting on writing a review of it cause i almost didnt know what to say, cause its a lot. and maybe thats part of the problem. there are parts of the movie that are at an 11 for so long you almost shaking watching it. its a good movie with an amazing, and shocking and almost too real performance by gena rowlands (who is still alive today. shes 93) in parts it really does feel like a horror movie youre watching between your fingers. but it is really good. worth watching for her performance alone

john cassavetes is considered the father of independent movies, and i think this may be considered his best movie. he was nominated for best director and rowlands was nominated for best actress that year. so im glad i watched it, but dont have any plans rewatching anytime soon at least.

[fe-fictions]

waiii happy new year! love love love your works, ive been a huge fan of urs since 2016 and its my first time sending in a prompt im so excited ajdjjqnss!!!!!!!😭❤️❤️

could i request some lonqu hurt comfort??!?! maybe something to do with self sacrifice....like robin pleading the enemy to let go of him when theyre both captured hehe! thanks so much >_<

(Finally finished this one and I'm thrilled to put it out !! Nothing like a stressed out Lonk U V U )

You didn’t know how you got into this situation. Neither you nor your husband. It was a simple reconnaissance mission, venturing a few miles into enemy territory in an attempt to figure out what they were plotting.

It was already risky since you were short-staffed, and with your exceptional analytical abilities, you’d be able to figure out what was going on the fastest.

Lon’qu wasn’t going to let you go in by yourself, and he definitely didn’t trust Gaius with your safety; he might be sneakier, but he was much more laissez-faire with the lives of others than he was comfortable with.

And so it was just the two of you. Lon’qu had stuck to your side the entire time, watching for threats while you took down hastily scribbled, imperative notes. But all it took was one silent assassin that was able to go undetected…and suddenly, you were both bound and forced to your knees.  

“Well, well…whatever do we have here?” Orton’s voice was more than recognizable; the slimey rat that had escaped your justice when you first rescued Maribelle, not long ago.

You struggled against your restraints, recognizing the unmistakable bloodlust in the bastard’s eyes.

“I’m sure Lord Gangrel will be quite pleased with the little rabbit caught in our snare. This one is new, though.”

He eyed your husband, “Bring along some cannon fodder?”

“Leave him alone. He’s got nothing to do with me or any of this.” You glared at him, earning a glance from Lon’qu. What were you talking about?

“I doubt that very much, Tactician. There must be some reason he’s tagged along with you all the way out here…far from safety.”

He brandished his polearm, the tip pointed inches from Lon’qu’s face. The blood in your veins burned hotter.

“A soldier, assigned to me for protection. Nothing more. I’m the one you want, not him.”

“Robin-”

“Let him go, and I’ll come willingly.” You demanded, not skipping a beat. Lon’qu’s expression was difficult to read. But the fear that flashed in his eyes was immediate, and impossible for you to miss.

Orton laughed, turning the spear to you, instead.

“I don’t think you’re in any position to negotiate, girl. But I respect the attempt.”

He nodded to one of the soldiers behind you both, and immediately there was a painful yank on your arms, forcing you back from Lon’qu.

“Hey!!” He barked out, ready to lunge in spite of his predicament. Instead he was pulled the opposite direction, separating the two of you.

“You know what I think?” Orton mused, spinning the weapon in his hands. “I think he’s more important than ‘some soldier’. I think he’s a lot stronger than you’re pretending he is.”

“Leave him be, and I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I’m Chrom’s right-hand; there's more than enough that I can give him.”

“Really? You’d sell out the crown over one paltry soldier?” He narrowed his eyes at Lon’qu, who fought so very hard not to let your facade be for nothing.

He was glaring sharply at you, pleading with you not to make a foolish deal.

“It is a captain’s duty to protect her soldiers; no matter how small.” You spoke with conviction,  “Surely you can understand that, as an honorable military man, yourself?”

“I’d be lying if I said Milord felt similarly about the lesser of our ranks, but…I cannot say no to such an alluring deal. Leave that one, boys- the mountain lions will get to him before anyone else does. Take her away.”

“Stop! Damn you-!!” Lon’qu roared, fighting against his restraints. He was only pulled further away. His arms twisted painfully behind him, dragged further and further away from his wife. 

You could only watch as he was flung from your view, sent crashing down the ravine into and out of sight. It was scafrier when you couldn’t hear him.

It took everything in your power not to try and reach him. To fight back and rescue him.

“Now then, Tactician; I believe I was promised some answers.”

The paralyzing fear was the only thing that kept you from lashing out; the swirl of endless emotions was stalling your mind. All you could do was stare at the ravine, getting further away with every drag across the dirt.

You hoped Lon’qu’s head would pop up, revealing him waiting for you and preparing to save you from your enemies,

But no such surprises would occur.

You still stared after that empty place, waiting with baited breath for the man to appear who would not return.

At least…not right away.

But there was nothing you could do but wait and pray that he hadn’t died after that nasty throw. There wasn’t much else available to you.

-------------------------

“You promised to give me what I wanted. Why do you insist on silence?” Orton was growing tired of your disobedience.

He had you tied to the pole of some ratty tent, interrogating you without  a hint of mirth in his eyes.

“You promised not to hurt my soldier, but you condemned him to death anyways. What right do you have to ask me questions?”  You spat, earning a click of his tongue and a slap across your face.

Enough of this arrogance!! You are in no position to hold such arrogance- you do not have the upper hand, woman!”

You fought hard not to focus on the stinging pain in your cheek; he’d drawn blood and all but numbed the side of your face.

Who knew those bastards could pack such a wallop?

“I can only tell you…what I know…which is very little. The Fire Emblem is a sacred artifact to the royal family, and it is hidden somewhere that none can find, unless Exalt Emmeryn reveals-!!”

You were cut off by another strike, this one sending you headfirst into the ground. The ringing in your ears grew louder, your vision clouded and blurry. That definitely wasn’t a good sign.

“If you don’t stop playing foolish games, then you’re going back in a casket. I planned to deliver the head tactician to King Gangrel in one piece, but if he knew how infuriating you are, he’d have you brought to him in pieces!!”

The man spat at your feet, stalking away to try and regain himself.

You did make an effort to focus on his words, but it was so very difficult. After a few deep breaths and a number of colorful expletives left his mouth, Orton stopped his pacing and returned his focus on you.

Maybe it’s because you were tired of looking at him, but you found yourself looking past him and at the guards by the tent entrance as his ugly boots came back into view.

“I’ve been more than patient with you, wench- but I’m running out of options on how to deal with you, and you’re running out of time.”

There was a sudden shift in the colors of the bushes behind a guard. A bright blue and red appeared behind the green.

You blinked, brow furrowing in an attempt to focus your vision. A pair of hands had shot out from the leaves and grabbed the man, mouth covered so as not to allow a shout. The other guard and Orton…didn’t notice.

You must have been hallucinating. 

“I want the location of the Emblem.” He spoke again, louder and closer than before. He hadn’t noticed that one of the soldiers had disappeared.

Your gaze flicked to the other man standing just the opposite, confused by the fact he was now standing alone.

Within an instant, a dart stuck into his neck, and he crumpled. A shadowy figure caught him, dragging him away.

You couldn’t even think to react to what you were seeing. Orton’s hand was on your face, grip tight and painful on your jaw to force you to look at him.

“You’re not getting away. Stop looking outside.” He grinned viciously, “The only chance you’re getting out of here alive is if you give me what I want.”

He stared down at you, grinning wickedly. His grip was so tight it felt like he was going to crack your bones.

“Now…tell me. Where is the Fire-”

The tip of a blade broke through his armor, silencing him with a wet choke. Your eyes widened, staring in shock at the sword mere inches from your own body.

“W-what…did you…”

He crumpled to the ground when the sword was pulled from his chest. When he fell away, Lon’qu stood over him, raging fury in his eyes.

“Oh my gods-” You gasped, stunned at what you were seeing. “L-Lon’qu?”

“I’m here.” He closed the distance between you, throwing the blood from his sword before cutting away your bindings. 

As soon as you were free of the ropes your arms were flung around his neck. Lon’qu grunted from the impact, welcoming the embrace all the same.

He squeezed you close, his face pressed to your neck. 

“Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m-” You were suddenly jerked back, Lon’qu holding you an arm’s length away to search you over. “Wait, w-why are you asking about me? They threw you down a ravine!!”

“Shepherds found me. They were on our trail when they realized we weren’t in the headcount.” He nodded his head back, and you were able to make out the shapes of Gaius and Cordelia, the few who passed by the tent to secure whatever camp the Plegians had brought you to.

“So you’re okay?”

“I am. But...” He nodded, but the sharp glare in his eyes had yet to dissipate. “I can’t believe you.”

“What?”

“How could you do that?” He glowered, his grip tightening on your arms. “How could you give yourself up like that? The hells is wrong with you?!”

“I wanted to protect you.” He scoffed at your response, harsh and bitter. “If I knew he was going to try and kill you anyways, I-I never would have-”

“It doesn’t matter. You bargained your life, when you know damn well that I-!”

“Lon’qu, we couldn’t find her in the camp! Did you- oh!! Oh, thank the gods!!” Your husband was cut off at the sound of Chrom’s voice, the prince thrilled to see you were here. 

The Myrmidon spared you one last glower, before he pulled back, letting Chrom and Lissa flurry past him. 

You bit your lip, trying to fight the urge to press the argument. He looked deeply upset, and you didn’t want to cut it off before it could be resolved. There was nothing worse than letting him stew in his hurt.

“It’s okay, Robin!! We’re here now! Lon’qu led the  way, and the whole camp’s cleared out! Though we’ll need to do something about that body…”

“We’ll worry about Orton and the rest later. Lissa, can you heal her quickly?” Chrom asked his sister, who already had the stave pulled out and glowing.

“You got it! Just hang tight for a second Robin, we’ll get you out of here in no time!”

It wasn’t yourself that had your mind occupied. It was the fact that Lon’qu stormed out of the tent without looking back that had your focus.

Lissa gave you a pitying look, the healing glow of the stave some comfort.

“Sorry, Robin. I/…we tried really hard to keep him calm. But he’s been angry since the second we found him.”

“Not angry.” Chrom sighed , following the man’s storm from the tent. “Scared.”

-------------------------

When everyone made it back to camp, many of your dear friends who had been so terribly worried were awash with relief.

There was a mild swarm, a million questions being flung at you, but you were simply glad to be back in the arms of your friends.

You did your best to answer as many questions as you could,, but it didn’t take long for your patience to run thin.

Sure, you were healed and feeling far better physically, but there was a deeply hurt man on the far side of camp that you needed to speak to. It was clear what your decision had done created a much bigger issue than anticipated.

So you took a deep breath, steeled yourself, and made your way over to your shared tent. You could hear the sound of steel being sharpened against a whetstone, but little else.

Lon’qu was absolutely steaming. You would tease him and categorize it as sulking, but you figured it best not to try your luck.

Not when there was a serious issue to resolve.

Wordlessly, you entered the tent, making sure to latch it shut behind you. He was kind enough not to lock you out, at least.

“Lon’qu…” He did not stop his work when you called him, his back to you. “We need to talk.”

He did not answer. The stone ground against the blade harder.

“Please, love, I…I’m sorry I hurt you. But I need you to understand why I made that decision. I was trying to protect you.”

This seemed to slow the grinding. He still did not look at you. With a deep breath, you crossed the tent, coming to sit behind him.

Tentatively, your hand touched his back. He did not recoil, which was an improvement; at least he was receptive.

“If they knew you were my husband, they would’ve used you against me. If I let them carry on, they would’ve killed you in cold blood as a simple guard. I…I just…I didn’t think they’d toss you into the ravine like that. I thought you’d be safe.”

Lon’qu shook his head, his grip tightening on the sword. “They’re the enemy. Why the hells would they keep their word?? Surely you knew better than to trust them.”

“It was all I had to ensure your safety. W-when they threw you over the ledge, I…I saw it. I thought that it was over…I t-thought they killed you.”

Lon’qu’s shoulders braced against your touch, feeling your forehead touch his back. You were leaning fully into him, trying desperately not to cry.

“I-it was my fault that you were…that you were in danger in the first place. If I’d been more v-vigilant, I wouldn’t have put you at risk. I wanted to protect you, Lon’qu…please…please understand.”

He sighed, turning slowly and taking your hands into his and pulling you away from his body. He looked at you directly, but the bitter sting wasn’t present in his glare anymore.

“I don’t blame you for this. It wasn’t your fault we were ambushed. I’m upset because you bargained your life for mine. You are not worth less than I am. You have no right to sacrifice yourself for me.”

“I have every right, as your wife.” You argued, squeezing his hands, “And even in that, I failed you. I thought…”

“Robin...” He squeezed your hands, “I understood your intent. But if I’d lost you in that moment, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself, either. Your right to protect me reflects on me, too. It’s my duty to keep you safe. You know my past. Do you really think that I would be okay with you giving your life for mine?”

“It…it didn’t phase me in that moment. What mattered more was making sure that my husband would still be here.”

“You think I would be different? If I was in the same situation, I wouldn’t put my life in front of yours?” Lon’qu was staring into your very soul; trying desperately to make sure you understood what he was feeling. “After everything I’ve been through- what I’ve suffered- you would have me relive it again?”

“No.” You leaned closer, holding his hands to your chest. “No, I wouldn’t. And I’m so sorry that I put that fear in your heart, again. I just want to protect you, because I love you.”

Lon’qu nodded, his gaze falling to the ground. You released his hands so you might wrap your arms around his shoulders, drawing him into your embrace.

“I love you so much, I can’t bear the thought of losing you. And I know you would’ve done the same for me. We have to look out for each other…and we can’t always be safe. But I swear to you, I don’t want to throw my life away. I want to share it with you, more than anything.”

Slowly, finally, he returned your embrace, squeezing you tightly for fear of you ever slipping through his fingers again.

He hated feeling this way- that fear would consume him when it came to you. How badly he didn’t want to lose you. 

His face pressed against your neck, all but engulfing you in his arms like a shroud that cloaked your whole body. 

“I love you, too.”

He felt the slightest tremors in response to his words. How your fingers curled into his tunic, clinging to him with just as much force.

You were everything to each other, reminded and reassured through the tears that slipped from your eyes as feverish kisses connected over and over again.

There were promises to be more cautious with your lives, to find ways to protect one another without putting yourselves in mortal danger…and at the very least, employ some stealth training with Gaius so you could sneak around without “foolishly” (Gaius teased) getting caught again.

Which was a fair argument, if you were being honest.

[voiceofsword]

Rinne and Niki used to be a two person unit that flopped, rigth? Any opinions and takes on that?

HI ANON it didnt flop! rinne did, later on as a solo artist for reasons outside of his control. i'll explain the situation a little bit (there honestly isn't a lot to go off of considering this is covered exclusively through bits and pieces in main story – niki backstory event when NOT HOT LIMIT another one)

we learn thru main story that niki's dad used to be a fairly popular chef that hosted various (or was it just one?) shows before the events of hot limit, presumably a few years before. other idols at the time felt threatened by his rising popularity and like eichi says, allegations were made about him consuming and making dishes from human meat on his shows to tarnish his name. which is why both of niki's parents left the country – they tell niki that they left in search of ingredients, and i don't doubt that they also do that, but it's obviously not just about that. they're not gonna tell their son they had to leave the country because they were labelled as cannibals but niki isnt that stupid. he knew ANYWAYS OKAY when niki's dad catches wind of him joining an idol group he's not very pleased about it and niki mentions that this disagreement was what led to him and rinne splitting up and rinne going his own way.

presumably the two of them still live together during this time so im of the belief that niki doesn't really... see his parents, after they leave the first time. so while rinne does have to go out and do idol work all on his own, he still comes home to niki and likely tells him all about it and about his day. niki does mention at one point in main story that he'd often see rinne be depressed/tired, and given that we know his solo career wasn't exactly the best time for him, it was likely making reference to that. i think there's a lot of guilt coming from both parties at this point in time: niki likely feels guilty that he'd "left" rinne to do all of this on his own, while rinne feels guilty that 1) he exposed niki to the idol industry at such a young age (he wasn't exposed to the seedy underbelly of it like rinne was, but the feeling still lies there) 2) he even put niki through strenuous idol work to begin with – a sentiment that he still shares currently, although not as strongly. nevertheless the two of them probably have a steady rhythm: when rinne comes home he tells niki about his day, niki helps with any fan letters, and on worse days, when rinne's not feeling great, they can both be comforted by the fact that rinne doesnt have to go through it all alone, that niki's there to lend him a shoulder when he needs it. this probably continues until rinne's solo idol career is forcibly ended – the influential person that initially granted him all of those opportunities having been exposed as part of a larger corruption in the industry – and after a while is when rinne drags niki off to cospro.

going back to address this guilt they both feel i think it's important to note that, yeah, rinne still blames himself for "imposing" being an idol on niki at all. usually he makes a joke out of it, with niki playing along often saying that yeah its true if he werent an idol he would be chilling. but when both of them are being more serious, it's evident that rinne actually does feel guilty for taking niki out of his previous peaceful life (even if one of the reasons he suggested niki being an idol was to raise his self esteem – see HOT LIMIT I WONT REST UNTIL UVE ALL READ IT) and for putting up with him for as long as he has, presumably talking about those 4 years: taking him in, duo solo career, and especially the crazyb summer fiasco. while niki time and time again reminds him that he stuck by rinnes side because he wants to, that he's learned to like being an idol, that he would accompany rinne to the ends of the world even if he didn't ask. and then they turn around and bicker anyway. love is love ❤️

ive used this sc before but idgaf

as much as i love rinne and niki duo i think it's great that they have crazy:b now. theyre a dysfunctional family, but that's THEIR dysfunctional family, dammit! i rly hope that in the future we get some more exposition on what happened during those four years – event or lookback scout, i'm not picky – because 4 years is a long time!! i also just want to see both rinne and niki and rinniki develop bc i love them. if it wasnt obvious.

[0809sysblings]

Amane: 10, 14, 22, 29 (you can pick any of them or do all I dont mind...just....Amane)

Amane... i COMPLETELY understand...

10. Describe the character in one sentence

how cruel... to be forced to describe My Beloved in only ONE sentence... pain and agony. i will try my best though! For Her.

.

i tried my best and it wasnt good enough, oh well! i literally cant describe her in one sentence.

14. Best storyline they had

The Purge March 🥰. im so fucking glad her mom is dead and that she was the one who got to kill her. im insane over the entirety of purge march. like i hate that all that stuff had to happen to her to reach that point. but god it just really. shows her character so well. im ill. sick. unwell. etc

22. When do you think they were at their lowest?

can i be very depressing and say that i think. Right Now is probably her lowest point.

if not now, then probably the time span of finding the evidence of the cat having been killed til her arrival at Milgram. cause her uh. voice line in the first voice trailer during the static bit... really makes me wonder what ended up happening after the murder... It Fucking Haunts Me.

anyway. about why Right Now may be her lowest. she like... she's in so much turmoil she has to Become her faith. she is completely alone. she is having to re-experience her abuse and trauma (not like she's ever even had a break from it in the fist place...), and she can't even fight to defend herself this time. it's literally impossible.

especially with the re-experiencing bit, its like... well did the abuse ever even stop? no not really. but i think the fact that its a whole new environment.. and she still has to deal with it.. makes for a whole new level of hopelessness and dread. its a different feeling: being abused in the same environment youve been stuck in all your life VS being abused in almost the same manner (at a fundamental level) again in a new environment.

im breaking her out of there one way or another, mark my words.

29. How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?)

OHhgggg... i think... she'd be a very compassionate and understanding parent to her kid. she'd listen and hear them out and would treat them like the intelligent human they are, not dismiss them for being "just" a child like she often was.

she'd probably struggle with a lot of anxiety though. both surrounding herself as the parent and her kid. she'd probably struggle especially when it comes to her kid getting sick or injured in the typical ways children are prone to. it'd bring up a lot of stuff for her, i think...

she'd be her kid's #1 defender. if she hears about her kid being picked on by someone at school, that school's director/principal will never know another day of peace until the situation gets resolved.

OK THATS ALL IVE GOT. TYSM FOR THE ASK!!!

[moonlightperseus]

911 Characters + dogs you think they should own

okay im sooo sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this but i wanted to really mull it over and i've been thinking about it a lot and i've come up with a basic list for the main chars (+ a few that are Main In My Heart) i've paired off the canon couples since they would be getting the dog together.

bobby (and athena, but i'm putting bobby specifically because athena is allergic to dogs and thus this is His dog) - Chinese crested dog (i originally was debating between bichon and toy poodle but then i saw the error of my ways) bobby rescues this older, a little bit in need of some tlc chinese crested and it's perfect because they're a pretty hypoallergenic breed (the hairless ones at least, which is what bobby rescues), athena is hesitant about the dog at first,

henren - golden retriever / mix, i know they had a smaller dog in the past but personally i think they should have a medium/large dog next, a rescue who is a little older (past puppyhood/young adult bc hooo boy you don’t need a puppy and a baby at the same time), idk if it’s a full golden or a mixed breed with some golden in it but it’s a very even tempered fluffy dog who’s a total sweetheart (if sometimes a little stubborn about moving… i’m not speaking from any person experience what are you talking about)

madney - staffy mix, okay i’m giving credit to maddie (@thebuckley-hans) for getting me on the madney getting a staffy agenda and also the wonderful staffy mix at my work who is an ANGEL. again they rescue a little older of a dog (bc i am NOT subjecting my blorbos to puppy & young child i’m not doing that!!!! getting a puppy when you have a baby is a trend that needs to die out imo <3 why would you subject yourself to that On Purpose)

bonus for madney - i also think they should get a boston terrier, maybe a little later when jee is a little more grown up, bc hooo boy bostons can be fucking wild but i have a soft spot for bostons and also THE madney ep... boston... yeah

eddie - english bulldog. this is based on approx nothing except for the fact that we had our bulldog regular, George, at work recently and i thought it would be funny if eddie somehow ended up with a bulldog and i’ve been stuck on this concept ever since

buck - irish wolfhound. this is absolutely me projecting my captivation on the breed that ive had for so long (my original want for him was a newfoundland, for uh, similar reasons, but i feel soooooo bad putting on in california) i just think he should have a Real Big Dog (as @scattered-winter has put it, a dog that could just lie on him and be like a weighted blanket)

ravi - okay i have two VERY different vibes for ravi that i cannot decide between. one is a border collie, theyre... very intense but i think he would go all in on the training, it might be a little challenging with his long shifts though, they dont do well with being left alone/boredom but he could have a pettsitter situation. now on the COMPLETE OPPOSITE END OF THE SPECTRUM, i could also see ravi with a little spoiled purse dog, i'm thinking lhasa apso? (am i biased bc one of my dogs is supposedly 20% lhasa, maybe) i think he would would dote on that dog sooo hard and spoil her and she have little spa days and maybe her and bobby's dogs are friends......

lucy - shetland sheepdog. i cannot explain it but i got it in my head of her having sheltie(s) and its stuck like glue. she just has the Sheltie Person Vibe I CANT EXPLAIN IT

may - mixed breed as a bonus i think may should have a scruffy lil mixed breed, not small small but like medium small. just a scrungley guy (maybe a cairn terrier mix?)

okay yeah!! i think this is it!! apologies again for the long ass ramble and the delayed response but i thought about this a lot and im just!!! thank you for this ask!!!

[skz4thgenleaders14]

help.

If you have seen my last post this is sort of an update-ish kind of thing.

TW: Mentions of self-harm, suicide, ed, etc.

I thought reaching out on a platform to find people that relate to me would help. and it definently did (yk who u r i owe the world to u). Things have gone sideways ever since i've posted my situation and its freaking me out. First of all, my self-harm has been the same otherwise increasingly worse. and for some unknown reason people have had the burning uncontrollable feeling to point it out which brings me to an event that happened today. This new girl in my class which i wont be naming for personal safety. I was sitting in art class at the end of the day minding my own business with my best friend and all of a sudden she comes up to me and shouts to loudly "Omg you cut yourself? cover that up". It made me severely uncomfy but my gorgeous bestfriend stuck up for me which made me feel better. My other friends would run their fingers up and down my healing scars and call it an asmr trigger and when I politely told them to stop they didn't so i more firmly but not aggressively told them to stop everyone turned on me and called me a rude bitch and asked if i was getting abused at home. They have been also commenting on some noticable bald patches and eyelash hair loss on me which im currently suffering from trichotillomania or however its spelt sorry, its taking a massive toll on my confidence. Next point, i went on a holiday around 21st of september being weeks clean from a week of starving myself and hurting myself which kudos to me. worst holiday EVER. My best friend who i took along ditched me for my sister who ruined me physically, verbally, mentally, socially and spiritually, i felt depressed and helpless the whole week and ended up not eating for 4 days. It kills me that i let people like that get in my way. I've been eating well and gaining weight which makes me super scared i hate my new body and i hate my new self. the weight gain has taken an insane toll on my mental health. My next point. Since the last post ive tried to get better but unfortunately i experienced another attempt but thankfully failed. Reflecting on this situation makes me feel like shit and that im the problem and i dont waant to have to rely on onliine friends and my bestfriend to help me its not yall/her job

. if your going thru the same shit js know ur not alone and im here for u<3 luv ya.

[schizopositivity]

i have occassional bouts of catatonia (akinetic and excited) and i've never really met anyone else with it. would you be interested in talking more about what's it's been like for you?

if not, then i hope you have a good day/night regardless. also i love your blog. it's comforting and informative ^_^

aw thank you! and yay i love hearing about people with lived experience of catatonia cause its so hard to find people talk about what it feels like so im happy to share!

so all but one of my catatonic experiences happened before i was diagnosed or medicated for schizophrenia, and was a teenager, and was living with my immigrant mom who has very little understanding of schizophrenia (besides her horrible father) so she legit didnt know what to do with me at these times. i dont blame her for not knowing but this is just a disclaimer as to why she handled certain things the way she did.

there were a few times (maybe around 10) where i was left alone, saw a bunch of hallucinations and then conciously "woke up" (usually i was hiding under a table) to my mom yelling at me to move. and then i was just stuck. i couldnt move at all even tho i wanted to and was told to. she was usually freaking out herself and super worried about me. she thought i was "faking it" and would demand that i stop. obviously this didnt help my situation at all, all i wanted was to move and show her i could atleast act okay, but i couldnt. i would usually black out what had led up to me hiding under the table so i couldnt even explain this if i wanted to. i dont really remember how all of these situations resolved, just that it was very stressful and i would try to move any lil muscle but couldnt. i dont really know what would help in these situations, just that she probably shouldve gotten me professional help.

another memorable moment of catatonia for me kinda is hard for me to personally destinguish from some sort of dissociation just because i was in and out of conciousness. but what i do remember was me being in the passengers seat while my mom was driving and kinda bashing around and yelling and feeling like i had no control over those actions. my mom, being scared that i would hurt myself or her, couldnt think of anything to help besides forcing sleeping pills down my throat, which eventually knocked me out. in that moment i think i shouldve been taken to a hospital.

the most recent time ive experienced catatonia is the one i remember most clearly because i was already diagnosed at the time and on antipsychotics. i wasnt home alone, but i was alone in the room i was in. i dont rememeber what led up to it but i had a panic attack that left me sitting strangley on the floor. from there my breathing suddenly slowed down and i couldnt move at all. i felt compeltely stuck no matter what i did. i wanted to move so badly, i wanted to yell to the other people in the house to help me, but i couldnt. i felt stiff and uncomfortable, and in the moment it felt like id be stuck like that forever. after some time that felt very long had passed, and i had attempted to move every muscle i had, i was able to bend my elbow. so i did that over and over to try to get someones attention but it didnt work. i probably looked so "out of it" like i had drool and snot hanging down and was bending my elbow and extending it nonstop but i was fully aware of what i was doing and how i looked, i just couldnt do anything about it. after more time had passed i started moving my fingers and toes and everything else came after that. idk what wouldve helped in this situation since it did pass eventually, maybe just someone there to be with me and tell me it was going to be okay.

im no expert on catatonia i just have my experiences. its generally said that you should make sure the persons airways are clear and that they are in a confortable position and not close to any dangerous objects. its also said that you should take the person to the hospital, and for me i dont think thats needed. id just like someone i trust to be there and tell me its okay, to time it to see if it lasts longer than an hour than i should go to a hospital, and maybe try to move my limbs around to see if that would help.

[puppysdog]

I know nothing of your OCs tell me about them

ive got way too many so im gonna talk about the final girls ocs i have from my horror movies !

first is Áine from Goldberg. shes one of my favorites since shes the first final girl i came up with. she was really fun to make bc i realized i didnt have any “weird girl” ocs which was a tragedy. college aged, lived with her bestfriend izzy (pre death) and her two closest friends after. shes got copper curly hair (like the irish actress jade jordan), big brown eyes and glasses, and the same set of five tshirts and cargo pants from high school. shes super into horror movies and murder mysteries, and is over confident in her abilities which continuously puts her in dangerous situations, but also helps her get out of them. she ends up with the killer at the end of the movie which i think was a fun turn on the final girl trope

for the movie The Summoning in the Forest (title in progress still) both Alex and Ranger Butch Ryder are the final girls. ive always been a big fan of unwilling mentor/younger character with no family left type tropes so i thought what better way to do so than with a butch lesbian and a just-came-out-two-months-ago 17yr old. Alex loses her sister during a ritual summoning to try to being back their parents, and accidentally unleashes a demon in the forest. Fire Ranger Butch Ryder and her dog Sapphie live out in a near by fire tower for the season, and end up taking Alex in while trying to stop this demon from setting her entire forest on fire. I havent worked on the script for that one yet, but i want to focus on Ryder’s butch aspects and show them as desirable and hot. I also think Alex and Ryder being able to bond through their sexuality is a great way to steamroll through two strangers wouldnt work together bc two lesbians stuck in a horror situation would no doubt team up

Dakota is the final girl for Haunted House and oh boy shes gotta be my second favorite. British, fat, shaved head, dyke, 80s type punk chav vibe, hot headed, literally everything to me. She ends up inheriting a house from a family member shes barely heard of, and being a broke mid twenties yr old she immediately is on board. the house has a minor staff run by Ms. Adeline Falls so Dakota doesnt even have to do anything but play head of the house and follow the rules. Except shes really bad at following rules, and the house hates her. cue movie horror montage of a haunted house trying its best to kick the most stubborn girl out. i think this one will have more of a crimson peak/bly manor type vibe than anything? gothic semi tragedy horror is the feel i want to go for. also she basically ends up getting with the house at the end, so theres that

My last final girls are Belle and Julia from Sleep Over (title also in progress) i hesitate to call Julia a final girl since shes the antagonist, but she does end up alive at the end with Belle so ig she counts. very horror comedy with an over the top weird girl, Belle. Belle is absolutely obsessed with horror and the macabre, extending to serial killers and such. she has an entire room dedicated to horror props and set pieces, and she’s extremely elitist about her opinions on the genres. shes very much like May from the movie May, super awkward but much more outgoing with it. Julia and her crew are the new up and coming serial killers of the city, and decide Belle is gonna be their next target. Belle, already unhappy with the groups work and considering a shame to true serial killers, turns her house into a deadly home alone mixed with saw style death trap, and the serial killer trio slowly realize theyre the ones trapped in the house. I really want to give Julia and her crew popular mean girl type vibes. Like hair done poofy, cherry earrings, gold rings, lots of matching pinks, etc. Her and Belle dont end up together or anything but they do get the same life sentence, and the movie ends with what looks like them breaking out together

and thats my girls <3

[ankhisms]

ok i shall allow myself to vent a bit bc my hands hurt too much to write in my journal and then i will go back to silly sentai time

am mainly just struggling with my paranoia and unreality issues today having been triggered by some random fucking thing and remembering trauma but also being very scared and worried about everyone i know and love being hurt and me being unable to help them in any way i feel so trapped and powerless to do anything to change my life due to the amount of control my parents have over like every aspect of my life that they can ... recently ive been thinking about how i wish i could really have a space of my own like have my own apartment and be able to decorate it and hang up art prints and actually make it feel safe and like a home but then im crushed by the feeling of that being an impossible dream because its like how am i ever going to get out of this situation a lot of times it really feels like im just going to be stuck here dealing with daily bullshit and abuse until i die and then when it comes to my various brain shit my brain wants me to think that everything is my fault and that no one is going to want to support me or believe me or be on my side and like no one will listen to anything i have to say so why bother speaking up even though logically i know thats not true i love and value and appreciate the people in my life and ive recieved support from friends that im eternally grateful for. but my brain and the abuse trauma bullshit still wants to just tell me that im alone forever and that theres no escape and that im always wrong. anyway im trying my best to let myself feel things but let it go thanks if u read this ily