#im so depressed all the time and it makes me so fatigued and being at work sucks the life out of me so i lay in bed when i get home

[pollen]

:|

[halogalopaghost]

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

depression and grief are kicking my ass. but i will persist. started my anti amv and only got thru like 5 frames for the storyboard because animating is like pulling teeth. but i need to do it. i feel deep in my bones that animation is what i need to be doing rn. im bad at it right now and i dont know if its sustainable but i need to pursue it. i have too many ideas and i cant die knowing that i couldve spent my time making animated music videos to my cringe jse ocs and i didnt. i just need to do a little bit every day. stay consistent. thats how these things get done, with persistence. if i work on it in bite sized chunks it will get done.

[orcelito]

Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating

I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.

Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.

[grantairezee]

This is a Poinsettia Appreciation Post

[strawberryvanillafrosting]

success life story ♡

heyy i'm here to share about my success story, the beginning is only before i started manifesting and about when i just started, all my success are on the very end of the blog, so feel free to skip directly at it if you're not interest by all the rambling !

have a good read ☆

michiko is so pretty, i've literally been told so many times i looked liker <3

the old story that i don’t live in anymore

okay so before i didn’t hate my life, at all, but i just found very dull and so poor of entertaining like it was just too fucking regular and repetitive.also a bit depressing. i thought of myself of such an unlucky girl before and i was like affirming all the fucking time that i was unlucky and guess what? everything really used to go the way i didn’t want it to go every single damn time and i’d be like i knew it im so unlucky boo-hoo.

same for the money i would just go every single fucking day rambling to my friends how poor i was and how i wanted money so bad and the same story every single fucking for days, weeks, months.

i really wanted a new appartement and my own room cause i used to share same room as my sister and it really was getting on my nerves, i had no privacy and place for myself. the apartment was small, my mum always kept complaining about it and then she would argue about my dad about it but the reason why we couldn’t move out despite trying for several months was cause my dad had whole lotta debts and my mom had a really low paying and hard job she was exhausted and, it was quiet hard to see them being this unhappy and they still tried their hardest to make us happy so i really wanted to get back at them.

about social life i had very few friends and barely went out, i'd say probably one time a month. and i really wanted to get that life of the party, and those big ass friends group and also i was crazy desperate about having black friends cause i am black and literally the only black out here without none of black friends and i felt pretty left out like wtf am i the only black girl with no black friends cause all of them (that's so dumb tho.. ) were friends and gets invited to the most fun hangouts and i was embarrassingly jealous of that and also complained a lot about it…and kept asking tf was wrong with me.

STRONGLY on this one : i wanted a relationship so bad and i kept hating and being sad to those couple on tiktok’s. one time i actually cried cuz i wanted a boys’s love so bad like i was craving it so bad. i was in such despair state before..cringy ahh ☠️

i used to be rlly insecure about my looks too even tho at some moments i felt more confident, i kept comparing myself and waisting dozens of minutes enumerating my "flaws ". i knew about manifestation but not really about law of assumption , for me manifesting was really all about listening to subliminals, method and scripting. we all once knew that phase yeah? i used to manifest from time to time but then would just give up again,since i was not seeing results and so on. so useful wow.and then there’s the others things like mediocre grades, poor family health, just constant tiredness and fatigue feeling,

tw : mention of being depressed,sh,ed, : felt empty like life had absolutely no meaning, suicidal thoughts, tried to end by over-consumption of medication, self-harm and bulimia, constant complaining and NEGATIVE ONLY mindset.

but now, NOW i tell you ever single thing i’ve just listed changed completely like every single damn thing i’ve just listed is no more, it’s out of the date, dead, buried and no longer existing !

it clicked

then at some point at my life i was just like. yk what? fuck i just wanna change it all. then i really like really  got into it all over again and for good. no more 1 week i try then giving up cause i ain’t seeing no « results ».

i watched hours and hours of ppl talking about loa (i’m not saying you should do this at all it’s just that i was very under-informed and wanted to know everything about loa)on youtube, shoutout to rita kaminski and hyler who really put me into it and informed me. then i started reading neville’s pdf books, and tumblr blogs, kinda overconsuming but i liked getting myself informed.

and then that’s where everything started and that i got aware of all the power i actually hold. all the things i actually can do just cause of my mind. i wrote down all my wishes in present tense ,like every single aspect i wanted to change/have in my life. and i started fully living in the end like really got myself into and at first of course, wavering from time to time in the beginning. it was pretty easy for me since i was used to manifestation.but what i didn’t do before is persist no matter what and that’s what was really tricky for me in the beginning to persist no matter what and not just give up to bullshit 3D. but when i kept moving forward no matter the 3D and made it facts the only my 4D matters and everything has already happened, ALL and every single wish down to the last one flowed into my life. ONE by ONE every single hour of the day i would get my manifestations down to the last letter i wrote in my notes.every single thing

success storyy

in a matter of few weeks like really 3 week-ish like- 1 month max.

starting off LUCK i’m extremely lucky now every single time i play gambling activities i win. i’ve won insane amounts at scratch cards i think i’ve won in total more than 5’000$. JUST FROM SCRATCH CARDS.and before i started i NEVER EVER WON. now whenever i play there’s not one time that i’ll win absolutely nothing even just a small prize

won huge lottery prize (from 200 to 12k the biggest i’ve won yet)

winning a gambling games, either online or dice rolling luck,bets, bingos etc.. its literally insane every one keep telling that i literally has got god’s blessing (i’m the god guys🥰)

financially freedom, my parents upgraded jobs and i’ve got lots of incomes + the money my parents give me 

all the debts my dad had, he got rid of ALL of them and when i tell you mf had a lot of em☠️

move out in a new huge ass condo which is a duplex (like really like i wrote it it’s actually scary how powerful we are..) I’VE FINALLY GOT MY OWN ROOM and we’re getting my desired furnitures and decorating the house i’m so grateful

friends and popularity i think biggest shock for me is really this. like my social life has gone from very paisible to completely fully booked and passioning life. like seriously i’ve been to more parties, concerts, birthdays, and hangouts during the last 2 weeks holidays than in my entire life

got lot of new friends, healthy relationships and quality time passed on lots of fun activities and sm memories

black groups friend. WITH AN S.so thankful to myself to be this good a manifestation i litteraly got into a black friend group of girls and i’ve never felt more at my place and understood this much. and these girls know the black group boys (when i tell you that 2y ago they were the person that i wanted to be close with so bad..also they’re really hot and funny lol)so we hung out with them and i was literally so highlighted and became pretty much friends with all of them !! 

my man. HELLO I LITERALLY MANIFESTED MY DREAM RELATIONSHIP? when i met him i didn’t actually realize right on the spot that he was exactly how i wanted him to be and reading back to when i scripted out all the things i wanted at the beginning, everything matched. he’s literally physically and mentally the man of my dream LIKE REALLY. we’re no bf and gf YET cause it’s just a little soon but we see each others super often and we have the best relationship ever i swear it’s giving wattpad. the flirting is crazyyy.

dream bod.from head to toe my desired body. heavy on the lower body all for that azz and wide hips.ive got smooth and clear skin and smell good all the time!! litteraly flawless face + got my braces which suits so much and dimples

plenty of vacations (went to ibiza, usa and dubai )

lenient parents they use to be so strict before i swear its crazy they let me go so easily now, i can hangout without asking 3 days ,like they accept even if i've gotta go in the next hour or if wanna go on trip that's in another country. i can come back home so much later too

attractive & magnetic aura + being really charismatic (everyone i met keep telling me i’ve got this thing that really makes them want me, get closer to me)

good grades without doing much

perfect self-concept - as i kept living 24/7 in the state of wish fulfilled, my self concept only got better making me really know what i’m worth and never wavering/ going back to the old story

whole ass pc set up

all of my desired skincare/makeups/shoes/clothes

and so much more...

outro

i hope y'all liked my blog and that it motivated some of you to NEVER GIVE UP cause y'all are reallyy some powerful mfs and y'all already got all of yours desires !!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ honey kisses, shayama

[thebubblemaster]

.

[kiritila]

Are you still gonna be updating no one saw me?

this is such a long time overdue, but since ive been away so long i figured this would be a good way to address everything, like whats been happening in my life and my future plans for no1sm for everyones clarity.

to put it shortly, i work full-time, and have done for nearly 2 years now. i am a product designer and i work monday-friday, 9-5. i attend a full day of college classes once a week, this day being even longer than a work day, and on top of that i have a personal work-based tutor that i have to complete work for as well. so in terms of professional obligations, im extremely busy. in my personal life, ive been seeing friends a lot, running errands, planning for weddings, parties, buying a car, SO MANY THINGS. my life has been so hectic.

ive also been suffering some health problems recently. my earliest or readers that are close friends probably know i began writing no1sm to vent my feelings about trauma i underwent, and this obviously still affects me quite greatly alongside depression and anxiety. ive also been suffering quite badly with insomnia and fatigue problems, as well as, embarrassingly, moderately bad eczema.

perhaps the most ridiculous development of all: I AM NOT CURRENTLY HYPERFIXATED ON SOUTH PARK. SHOCK HORROR. BUT PLEASE DONT PANIC: it is still my spin, stan and kyle are still my most favourite characters ever, and most of all i still ENJOY south park and enjoy thinking about, planning, and writing no1sm (when im not completely utterly knackered). ive actually recently gotten majorly into formula 1 as a result of my friends, so if there are any f1 fans following me PLEASE SAY HI!!!!! i plan to do art for it but i have been busy and im also very much a perfectionist. (FYI: my favourite driver is max verstappen. no questions asked. i also love charles daniel lando oscar and honestly most drivers on the grid. i love niki lauda james hunt seb vettel and jenson button. i had a brief mclaren tooned hyperfixation. I AM CURRENTLY INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED OVER DANIEL RICCIARDO LOSING HIS SEAT)

anyway.. getting back on track.

AM I STILL GOING TO BE UPDATING NO1SM?

YES. YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. i dont know when, but this story is something i have to complete for myself and for you guys. i realised i was putting myself under so much pressure for it to be perfect that it sapped the love i felt for it from me. now that i no longer have visible eyes on me waiting for updates on twitter, i feel much freer and relaxed with it. i dont know how or when, but yes, the story will be completed. do not ask me about the kyle prequel ive planned though DONT DO IT.

i also dont plan on posting about updates anywhere other than tumblr going forwards. ive since moved on from the twitter south park fandom where i was most active, as i felt like i was too old to be in a fandom of minors and the discourse was simply too much. so i decided to move to a fan space and sport that is a million times worse but still somehow has been better for me. so if you still want to follow me on twitter even though i dont south park post anymore, you can follow me at @vrstappns :)

WILL NO1SM HAVE AN UPDATE SCHEDULE?

NO. sorry, my mental health and my career comes first. i want to try and find a better balance that leaves me time to write but im afraid i need time to ease myself back in after so long off and theres no guarantee how long that will take me.

WILL YOU STILL BE MAKING ART FOR NO1SM?

YES. I HOPE. who knows when though cause i havent been able to draw in a long time and im still pissed off that i cant draw max verstappen as easily as i could ever draw kyle broflovski.

AM I ALLOWED TO USE YOUR STORY AND WRITE THE ENDING FOR MYSELF?

NO. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. as much as other authors may encourage this I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THIS. you dont know how much work i have put into this fic as well as how much of my own life and traumas are embedded between the lines of writing. this fic is practically half of me in the same way my parents’ DNA is a part of my make-up. not to sound rude but to even think you could possibly imagine how i intend for this fic to resolve and end when you dont even know me is laughable.

HOW WILL THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRIES OF FORMULA ONE INFLUENCE THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRY OF STAN AND KYLE GOING FORWARDS?

im sure 2019 charles leclerc and max verstappen guided carefully by brocedes and james hunt and niki lauda will figure something out. maybe not brocedes actually i am unsure if i want stan marsh to end up like nico rosberg. but i guess he is a good youtuber too and has great hair which is two things stan is NOT. gay loser. also david coulthard and sebastian vettel are there somewhere. GAY RED BULL RACING WILL LEAD US TO WORLD PEACE

thank you so much for reading, i know youve all probably moved on with your life but its a weight off my chest to finally write this out. i love this fic and i love that you all love this fic, if you are still here. i can only apologise for how long ive made you all wait.

please just have patience with me,

thanks muchly,

mike (formerly marshplaylist) vrstappns

[redheadspark]

(Im not sure if my thing was sent so if it was just ignore this)

Hawwu can I request 6. “You and I together… would that be weird?” “No. No, I don’t think so.” and 5. Having so many inside jokes that just the two of them know, that other people often don’t understand their humor. With Druig thank uuu

A/N - HAWUU! Thanks for requesting this for druig, my friend!

Room

Summary - After the Emergence, you connected with your best friend again.

Warnings - Just some fluff!

“Here, This was all I could find in the Domo,”

“You got this from Makkari’s stash, didn’t you?”

“If you don’t tell, I won’t tell,”

Druig snorted as he dug into the small bag of chips you were holding between you.  As he took a chip and mushed away, you were leaning back on the beach and looking at what was left on the Domo.  It was in shambles, some of it still in the beach surf, and the rest was in flames.  Sure, it looked a bit depressing since it was your ship and your first home, but then again you were too exhausted to feel anything else than relieved.  The past few hours were a whirlwind, and now that you were sitting down and feeling the fatigue come over you.  

There was a change of tides in the air as you felt the wind whip your hair up and around your battered face, the change only from saving the world from the near Emergence that would have destroyed the entire human species, but also amongst your Eternal Family. The same family you haven’t seen in almost 500 years and you never thought you would see again.  

Without Ajak and Gilgamesh, and the betrayal of Ikaris still fresh like a new wound, you were wondering what was going to be the future for all of you.  The others had lives, Kingo with his movies, Phastos with his husband and son, you felt lost in the shuffle yourself.  

“How long do you think it’ll take Phastos to fix the ship?” Druig asked as he popped another chip in his mouth and hummed, you grinning.

“Not a long time if Makkari will help.  She knows more about the ship than any one of us at this point,” You explained, Druig humming in agreement as you took a chip from the bag, “Given the recent turmoil we just went through, I’m in no rush,”

“Me neither, we have plenty of catch up on anyways,” Druig reminded you as you looked over at him, seeing the sea ship his brown locks to hide his bright blue eyes.  You smiled, though it was not big since he was sporting a scab on his cheek and looked a bit too stiff.  As if the wind could blow him over if he’d let it. 

He was right, you two had lots to catch up on.  Being his closest friend on the ship, apart from Makkari, you were always at his side. He was the calm to your temper, the sarcasm to your gentleness, and the aloof to your meekness.  Being opposites brought you two together so quickly and made the bon so strong and thick that it was almost impossible to break.  You loved those earlier years with him, not just in protecting the Humans and watching their evolution, but simply having a friend in your corner.  

When he left you behind 500 years ago, it felt like a shattering of your bond.  Of course, you knew why he had to go and you didn’t stop him, Druig was headstrong in what he wanted and what he knew was right.  But then again, you were also wishing to be selfish and keep him in your life.  He knew you more than you knew yourself, brought you out of darkness and doubt, made you feel joy when you thought yours was gone.  

Those 500 years without your best friend, they were tolerable at best.

“I’ve thought about you, know you,” Druig explained, you looked away from the Domo to him now as he was looking at you fondly with his shoulder touching yours, “Those years I was in the Amazon.  It was nice, and I wouldn’t take it back, but I did think about you a lot.”

“Good things, I hope,” You teased, seeing him crack a small grin as he nodded slowly.

“Amazing things,’ He admitted, making your stomach do a small flip as he hummed and spoke again, “I remember all the jokes we did on the others, especially with Phastos.  All the stories we would tell together over the campfire, and the dreams we had for the humans.”

“I remember your dream you told me,” You explained, “You’ve always wanted to be in a small little house by the sea, away from cities and massive populations of people.  Nice and quiet,”

“You teased that I would hate it, that and get a suntan,” Druig joked as you chuckled.

“I mean, you burn easily under the sun,” You replied, poking his side as he shoved your shoulder playfully.  You both laughed on the surf, battered and bruised with your armor stained and almost shredded to ribbons It felt surreal to be laughing at this point, but almost seemed natural for the pair of you.  Something you both needed from being away from each other for centuries.  Once the laughing died down and you were both quiet again, a lingering thought was on your mind.

“Where do we go from here?” You had to ask, Druig shifting in his spot on the sand as he cracked his knuckles.

“Don’t know.  I know I can’t go back to the Amazon now, the villagers can do fine without me at this point,” He explained, “I guess I can figure it out as I go,”

“I’m in the same boat too,” You admitted in a shrug, Druig watching you as you were towing the sand with your boot.

“We can figure it out together,” he explained, you raising a brow at him.

“Would that be weird?” You asked carefully.

“Not at all.  I don’t think so if it’s with you,” Druig hummed, his voice sounding soft and sure when he gestured his chin to you.  You smiled, leaning your head over to then rest of his shoulder as you both watched the surf float in and out on the beach.  Being this close to Druig seemed safe, seemed warm like the first sun rays or the smallest touch of leaves along the treetops.  You’ve missed this, the unidentified feelings that you once tried to tuck away since your friendship with him was more important.  

But you felt Druig lace your hands together on the sand, seeing the scrapes and blood on his skin as he spoke.

“You and I together…would that be weird?” He asked, almost in a manner that seemed timid.  You thought about it for a small second or two, and all you could think about it joy.  The joy of having another person in your life that would bring you more happiness.  The joy of knowing someone else thought of you with adoration and love in their heart.  

The joy of it comes from your best friend.

“No,” You replied calmly, “No, I don’t think so,”

As Druig kissed the side of your head, you smiled brightly for the first time in what seemed like a long time.  Your heart, which seemed protected and hardened over time, was now making room for one more person to inhabit.

It took you two long enough

The End

[miraclemaya]

Miss Maya, would you ever be willing to describe what being (or wanting to be?) a corpse means for you? I have many a question, and sometimes the way you talk about it makes me feel as though you're referencing some literature I'm unfamiliar with (like, when you talk about corpses whispering to people in basements?). At the same time, I want to respect and acknowledge that you have 0 obligation to lay that aspect of yourself bare for your followers, like, at all. I guess I'm saying, "I'd like to know more about you, specifically this corpse aspect of you, but I don't want you to feel like you HAVE to explain." Thank you for your time, either way!

the whispering corpse is less of like directly connected to me being a corpse but rather something that has appeared in a few things or a similar enough thing appears in like The Tell Tale Heart or like some bits of cultist simulator. and this just really appeals to my sensibilities as someone who likes occult stuff and what not so i wrap it into the rest

as for the general like being a corpse thing/calling myself a corpse, that's like a bit hard to explain but ill give it my best shot. i have a lot of i suppose they might count as delusions or just normal like episode of depersonalization where i feel as if my level of reality is lower than the rest of the world, or in simplier terms that I don't exist while the rest of the world does. this is of course the result of mental illness and what not, and my exact thought process eludes even me, but at some point of experiencing this as a semi regular thing, instead of connecting it to like pattern screamers though i do hold those dear to me or other such nonexistent existences, i latched onto the idea of a corpse. or rather being a corpse. it's very fitting as often these episodes of depersonaliziton strike when i am hit by the worst of my chronic fatigue and depression so i do act like a corpse. it's not me being undead, to be clear. asethically and otherwise, i find most undead creatures rather boring, even liches and vampires aren't interesting to me because they're undead. for me the corpse isn't the opposite of life as a corpse is filled with life, all the teeming bacteria and insects that find their home in such a thing are after all alive. the corpse can be completely clean of these things, and i still feel like it belongs to a separate category then life or undeath if that makes sense. i realize im rambling here i hope any of this makes sense sorry if it does not it's hard for me to properly put this into words as im not that great of a communcator dhdhdh

[freebooter4ever]

I've been doing my best to stay up to date on the boots brainfog fatigue lore for a while and I have two things to say. First, I am so glad the antibiotics are working and helping you and you're able to somewhat pause your symptoms. And second, your story is so terrifying I had no idea anything like this could happen and I hope the saga ends soon with you going back to a normal livable life.

Apologies for the slow reply, it took me a while to come to grips with my story being used as a 'lore' example. Legit i sometimes forget that i have a lot more followers than just the ones who talk to me on a regular / semi regular basis. So thank you to anyone who is quietly watching this painful illness play out and rooting for me <3 i hope it ends up being a happy ending, though my depression right now is being a witch and telling me it wont. As i type right now my eyes are doing the '300 times more effort to focus' thing because i ate dinner an hr ago, and im slowly getting used to putting this much work into something as simple as writing but...gosh this is all exhausting.

I didnt know this could happen either, but i cherish all the friends and strangers who have gone through this or are going through this who immediately reached out to support me. I've met one guy in person who was a casual friend until now, but who is becoming one of the few people i can randomly text depressing symptoms to and just know he at least semi understands. He also promised to take me on his motorcycle the minute i get back into a physically stable condition so i at least have a carrot on a stick at the moment.

I have also had a lot of really really enlightening conversations with my grandma who has MS, and she's told me stuff about her own illness that I don't think she ever would have divulged to me if this hadn't happened. And I now almost understand why. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to complain about a symptom and then have a friend or loved one immediately counter with 'oh, i have that!' and then go into detail about how they handle it when their symptom is obviously fleeting and passing and much less intense. Also, there's certain people in my life who i just cant get to understand how this illness is connected to food. Every time their response is 'I'm sorry you feel bad, let me make you something to eat' and i have given up trying to explain, lol.

I think it's also important for me to note that although my blog has seen a lot of this drama that i shared...the WORST parts of it i have not posted because i simply dont know how to process or talk about it yet. And also most of the worst moments happened while with my friend G, and when I'm at their house I tend to not need social media so much.

The funniest part in all this - it took a month for me to become so terrified of food because of the intense pain/reactions after eating, that I don't miss food at all despite my diet being severely limited. I miss peanut butter, although my reaction to peanut butter is not so bad that i can't eat it sometimes (but not daily like i used to). Strangely enough, I don't miss bread at all, except I do miss the easy convenient calories bread provided so I could run/dance/exercise. There is only one thing I have been craving this entire month....this fucker from 85c:

I have dreams about this guy. I vividly remember the taste and texture and how it felt to bite into one. The joy of snacking on one in the California sun under the arroyo trees. I long to be able to eat it again ;_; But with how little food I've been able to eat, I can't afford to waste calories on anything that isn't packed with nutrition so :( no taro bun.

[never-wednesday]

Hey its a Lil late in the month but this disability pride month I wanna talk about long covid. I also have chronic pain and all sorts of worms in my brain but I've been dealing with that forever. So we're talking about the new stuff. Putting a readmore because I'm talking about what my experience being sick with covid was like and it's probably unpleasant to read.

It's December of 2022 and I work retail while I'm home from school for winter break. I mask up every time I leave the house, including for work. My parents don't. My father talks about covid not being a big deal. He caught it last year and it was a mild cold for him. He says "i ate lunch with someone who had covid last week and im fine!" My mother catches covid a week after that conversation. I test and am seemingly fine despite symptoms of a cold, and then three days later (one of those days was a full 8hr shift at work where I was worn ragged because it's almost christmas. I also got heat exhaustion because the AC was busted and I live in TX.) I feel the worst I have felt in ages. My mom insists that my dad takes me to get tested for the flu, and I schedule a covid test while I'm at it. My covid test comes back positive.

For the next week I am bedbound, only able to sit up enough to try to eat something and only able to stand up long enough to get myself to and from the bathroom. I sleep through the days when I can get the dayquil down, and cough through the nights when I can't get the nyquil down. I hallucinate when im tired. One of those nights I swear I talk to god. My brain is fogged and it hurts to breathe. I am worried I will need to be hospitalized because I can't seem to keep any water in my system. It's a miracle that I can write instructions for my father to cook ramen for me. I can only drink the broth. One morning I try to take dayquil to soothe my throat and I vomit. My stomach is empty and I stand over the sink wretching.

It feels like a miracle when I recover. Christmas day my symptoms mostly clear up and I'm able to sit up long enough to use my computer, something I was unable to do for the past week. I test negative, my second best Christmas present that year. The first is the Elden Ring soundtrack on vinyl. I am elated that I made it put the other end.

A week later my friend comes from a few cities away to visit for a few days. We go shopping one afternoon, spend a few hours standing around at the local game store looking at dice and miniature plastic dragons. We get home at 6pm. I collapse into bed and wake up 3 hours later. I talk to my doctor about it in January, she says it should go away over time. Six months maximum.

I spend my spring semester exhausted. I start using a cane to make sure I can walk across campus. I'm thankful that many of my friends are also disabled because they understand when I need to ask people to slow down, or bail because of my fatigue. Many of the abled people in my life do not understand. One day I go out to a museum, a thing I am excited to do. When I get home at 4pm I make myself popcorn, then collapse into bed. I can't walk to the sink without my cane, I can barely get out of bed. This is what I have to adjust to.

Six months pass. The fatigue is not gone. I am home for summer break, and I try talking to my parents about my fatigue. They don't understand. I talk to my doctor. She is convinced it's depression symptoms. My mental health is largely the best it's been in years- I've been in treatment for months now and it is helping.

It's been about seven months now. I am not receiving treatment, nor will my doctor acknowledge that I have long covid. She has relented into testing for physical things. I got a CT scan, and have a sleep study scheduled for when I get back from visiting family in August. Depending on what these turn up and how my doctor reacts I am preparing to find a new doctor. I am not excited about this, because I like my doctor. But if she refuses to acknowledge that what has happened to me is likely covid and therefore will not treat me I will find someone else.

I don't really have a moral here beyond please mask up, get vaccinated, etc. Even if covid doesn't fuck you up it might fuck up someone you pass it to. Or even worse, it can kill the immunocompromised people around you. Please have compassion for the people around you. My father, who is a loving and caring man, brought this illness home to me. It wasn't out of malice, but it still has affected my life for probably the rest of my life.

[mariska]

i know i make ramble posts a lot when im Especially Hyperactive like i am right now so i promise i will not make this a long ramble post but man. its such an insane fuckin bummer to think back on or even more so visually see via pics/vids the slightly different version of myself from even like a year and a half ago or two yrs ago who had just a little bit more energy overall and wasn't quite in the extreme danger state of 24/7 debilitating pain and fatigue and depression that present-day me just has to figure out how to deal with every minute of every day now. i haven't cosplayed in so long 'cause i'm in too much pain to wear my wigs and put all the clothing and makeup on even if its a really simple outfit...i haven't even touched any of my guitars in like a year at least 'cause i'm in too much pain to hold them up even with the shoulder strap attached and my fingers are getting more affected by my CREST symptoms and it hurts more now to move them into chord positions on the strings. it just sucks. there is such a huge tiredness in the back of my eyes and in my skull and neck and brain that no amount of sleep ever takes away and i always thought i understood the limits of how scary and awful that sensation is since i've been severely chronically ill for a very long time but i did not ever understand it cus as it turns out it can always get worse and worse and worse and every day it gets worse and less bearable and i lose more control of my own body movements and thoughts and emotions.

anyways. theres no big point to this post i'm just in so much pain and so fatigued and i feel so physically disgusting from not being able to take care of myself properly for months and i just needed to write it out somewhere because i'm alone most of the time now and i'm not coping well with it at all. 🙁

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

sick

i always feel like shit. day after day. it always my head aching, or my bones, im either fatigued or restless. all the muscles in my body have atrophied. my joints are constantly popping. and fuck, my head always hurts. my heart hurts. i can feel it racing as if im alive, but ive felt dead for many, many moons. my heart has gone cold over time, i have no room and no hope for love or being loved. i couldnt possibly be loved by someone let alone be accepted. im just too damn weird. ive always known myself to be weird, but i mask it extremely- even scarily well. i always feel like shit. my body is never propelled to do or pursue anything. i have to force it. some days i cant even drag myself out of bed. those are my darkest days. i know what i am and what i want to be. that has been my biggest struggle my whole life. i dont think nor function the same as everyone else. i dont even function, i always feel like shit. im always going back and forth between crippling depression and delusions of grandeur. i can never sleep. i can never sleep right. i always feel like shit. my self esteem is in the gutter. i never thought it would still be so low this far into adulthood. i always did doubt and question myself, more than whats considered a healthy amount. my stomach is never truly satisfied unless its completely empty. something thats never empty is my damn mind. im always over analyzing, obsessing, lying to myself, making up scenarios. i fear a lot too. i fear so much in this twisted world. i fear being a victim, to many things. the horrors of this world... i always feel like shit. ive been consumed by lonlieness. i dont talk to anyone anymore. im not seeing anyone. no one thinks about me... its a scary feeling, realizing just how alone you are. i havent been okay for many, many years. i know i need help. i know it so bad. but nobody cares enough, if at all. i cant even afford to pay someone to care. i cant do anything i just cant. theres so much i want to do but i just feel incapable.. constantly. i either mentally or physically cant- or both. im so tired. im so tired. my heart is tired. i always feel like shit.

[cosmohydrargyrum]

like idk I feel pretty hopeless about my health in general especially since my rheumatologist and my PT make it seem like aids should be a last resort for me. I love the optimism (lie) but i can't fucking walk. I'm depressed, fatigued, and suicidal (no intent just thoughts) beyond anything but I mask it so well even in front of medical professionals who I'm supposed to trust with the reality. idek what it is that they're so insistent I can be normal if I just try hard enough. I just don't feel like trying when in actuality my condition will only get worse. I feel like no one actually realizes how much I'm affected. in front of some people I feel embarrassed that I'm so "lazy" because I haven't done much and I'm not working even though I haven't done much because I literally can't. I'm okay with acknowledging the fact that I'm disabled, I just wish everyone else would be. God I want a cane so bad but there's no way my parents would let me get one because they have the utmost faith in these people, and I'm afraid I'd use it improperly and ruin my shoulders and wrists.

adding to the cane thing my balance issues are getting so much worse and dizzy spells more consistent. I feel like it would help with support, not all the time I guess but when it's really bad. marching band is starting and after these rehearsals I will be so done. and I'm in front ensemble so I'm STANDING THE WHOLE TIME not even walking. but according to my PT this is such great timing that I'm learning stability now!!!!!!! oh my god he can suck my penis so hard guys he's so fucking irritating. bro the other day I almost fell down the stairs like 4 times because my knees and ankles were giving out and I was so dizzy. BUT SINCE I DONT LOOK LIKE IM IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN WHEN I PULL UP TO THE FUNCTION EVERYTHINGS FINE RIGHT 😝😝😝😝😝 who needs aids when you have determination 🔥🔥🔥🔥

I'm also afraid I'm just being dramatic. I had an atrocious past experience with physical therapy and i almost broke down at my consultation the other day because I hated PT last time. wouldn't you know it, I hate it this time. I feel like the PT doesn't really hear me even tho hes an EDS specialist. I'm also also afraid that rheumatologist and PT are right and if I just try ill get better at managing everything. I don't like being wrong about things I'm sure of and I especially don't want to hear it from an authority figure.

i literally can't do anything. I don't have the energy to do anything. and when I do things I pay such a heavy price in pain and fatigue. i havent even crocheted in a minute because i cant think hard enough to do it. all I could really do today was feed myself based on piss poor hunger cues and shower.

[compassionatereminders]

I have GAD, clinical depression, and panic disorder. Im also pregnant and my psychiatrist has been telling me since before I was pregnant that he will not let me take Zoloft past 20 weeks “it’s too dangerous for the fetus” well im at 19 weeks, just lowered the dosage for the first time and had my first panic disorder episode in years. My OBGYN has told me she’s completely fine with me taking Zoloft the whole pregnancy and the “fears” this guy has been yelling about are rare and that my health actually needs to come before the fetus’s since my health literally directly affects the fetus. So I put my fucking foot down today and sent him a message not asking, but telling him I will not be stopping Zoloft. I may have to quickly get a new psychiatrist if he decides his campaign against psych medications (which…is a major part of his job but ok) is more important than my mental and yes PHYSICAL well-being (brain fog, eye strain, fatigue and headache today made me unable to do any of my work for my job or even basic functions to care for myself like bathing or brushing my teeth) is less important than the fetus which would not grow at all without me, but I’ve just had enough. It’s going to be a bitch and a half to find a new psychiatrist and start all over again with someone but I can’t take him anymore. I’m in the U.S. btw. I just can’t stand people who stigmatize and demonize mental and emotional illness as somehow optional for treatment because of “ooo scary drugs are bad” mentality even when they WORK IN PSYCHIATRY AND HAVE ACCESS TO THE ACTUAL, PRESENT DAY DATA SHOWING HOW MEDICATIONS WORK. It should be the person’s choice what their treatment is and how they pursue it, medication or not. My womb doesn’t make me a second class citizen either and I’m so tired of that mentality as well. Sorry I just really needed to rant and felt like you’d understand where I was coming from on this. Ugh. Anyway, I am wishing you all the best in your recovery from your recent traumas and continued contentment, peace, and happiness!

I fully support you. In the end it should be up to you whether to go off a medication, pregnant or not. He can make suggestions and have his opinions, but you should have the final say. And if he's not letting you decide, you're in your full right to go see someone else. Especially if there's not even medical consensus that the med might actually harm the fetus.