#octobercxre

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

all i ever wanted is to be loved

not everyone gets what they want

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

it hurts so bad...

</3

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

i want to scream and cry and kick and destroy everything. how did my life become like this. why doesnt anyone care about me... what did i do... i hate my life, i hate my body. how did i become this way... this isnt what i thought my life would be like...

</3

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

so much regret

it cuts deeper than i ever could

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

sick

i always feel like shit. day after day. it always my head aching, or my bones, im either fatigued or restless. all the muscles in my body have atrophied. my joints are constantly popping. and fuck, my head always hurts. my heart hurts. i can feel it racing as if im alive, but ive felt dead for many, many moons. my heart has gone cold over time, i have no room and no hope for love or being loved. i couldnt possibly be loved by someone let alone be accepted. im just too damn weird. ive always known myself to be weird, but i mask it extremely- even scarily well. i always feel like shit. my body is never propelled to do or pursue anything. i have to force it. some days i cant even drag myself out of bed. those are my darkest days. i know what i am and what i want to be. that has been my biggest struggle my whole life. i dont think nor function the same as everyone else. i dont even function, i always feel like shit. im always going back and forth between crippling depression and delusions of grandeur. i can never sleep. i can never sleep right. i always feel like shit. my self esteem is in the gutter. i never thought it would still be so low this far into adulthood. i always did doubt and question myself, more than whats considered a healthy amount. my stomach is never truly satisfied unless its completely empty. something thats never empty is my damn mind. im always over analyzing, obsessing, lying to myself, making up scenarios. i fear a lot too. i fear so much in this twisted world. i fear being a victim, to many things. the horrors of this world... i always feel like shit. ive been consumed by lonlieness. i dont talk to anyone anymore. im not seeing anyone. no one thinks about me... its a scary feeling, realizing just how alone you are. i havent been okay for many, many years. i know i need help. i know it so bad. but nobody cares enough, if at all. i cant even afford to pay someone to care. i cant do anything i just cant. theres so much i want to do but i just feel incapable.. constantly. i either mentally or physically cant- or both. im so tired. im so tired. my heart is tired. i always feel like shit.

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

there isnt a night long enough for me

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

[nobodyaskedmeifiwasokay]

I will try and try again, until I get it right.

Until I save my own life.