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#im so bad with anything that goes on too long
gifti3 · 6 months
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one of my friends posted a shirtless pic of laois in the chat yesterday so last night i started reading dungeon meshi its not too long and i actually got through a whole volume already :0
and im enjoying it so far, i really REALLY like the cooking in it i didnt know it was gonna be that detail with the food aspect haha like the meals they come up with is enough to keep me reading tbh
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luck-of-the-drawings · 6 months
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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.
#jrwi show#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying#nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess#ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so#i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair#both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home#but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again#not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO#i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED#all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis#but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum#and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it#youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes#BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply
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fear-no-mort · 12 days
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thinkign about how alone and unloved morty was for all his life and rick was the first time anyobdy ever put such an amount of intense attention and dependency onto him . and rick had a whole new family and losing them made him stop seeing the value in other people as a whole and morty was the one and first thing that woke him up
#really long Tag rant down there#one of the most Things Ever about them to me is how morty barely even understands just how much rick loves him. more than anything#and its something ricks done on purpose hes made sure of it#because hes so weak he cant handle it#them being together is agony in avsolutely every way and sense but also theyre the best part of eachothers lives#morty because nobodys payed attention to him quite like rick has and all the exciting space adventures and rick just cause. he literally#just likes him thats it. and he never knew it#also i was thinking of this earlier. one of the reasons season 1 is soooo good to me is cuz you get to see morty grow on rick in real time#stuff like that moment where morty walks through the door and rick is instantly at the sight of him SUPER excited and he goes hey!!! but#then he clears his throat and goes Hey trying to pretend like this dumb scaredy kid isnt becoming his favourite thing hes ever known day af#er day#and goddamn night shaym aliens. in that moment where he realised morty had been fake the whole time i rlly wonder what he was thinking and#how he felt. like. oh man this is messing with me way too much this is Bad#and then he got drunk over it and yknow. that . is it post credits. i think. that scene#n literally At the Very beginning he was tired n drunk n stupid thinking like man fuck this im gonna blow this place up and do what prime#did to me. But he brought morty with him Even just at that point it flashed in his mind and he absolutely could not bear to let morty die#Breathes in#im rewatching in October bc anniversary month. i literally can’t wait im so actually impatient i considered just doing it today So hard#odiespeak
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bylertruther · 2 years
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"will shouldn't use a gun in season five because his father probably taught him how to use one and that could be a bad reminder for him" have you considered that will using what was very likely a Bad experience to save his life in what is undoubtedly an even worse experience could be a good thing? have you considered that him using a skill he was forced to learn to save not only himself but (as is likely more important and meaningful to him) the lives of others could give him a sense of usefulness and safety knowing that he isn't defenseless and can stand his and others' ground if need be? especially considering that's a skill that we've only seen hopper and nancy possess, making it that much more valuable and himself more helpful to the group? after everything in s1 and s2, he's probably felt guilty for having endangered them and dozens of other people multiple times, i don't think it'd be out there for him to feel "happy" that he can finally return the favor and protect them for once (especially after having complained about being babied and treated like a doll).
"will doesn't have and shouldn't have powers because that makes him different and he doesn't want to be different" not only are you wrong lol <3 but how have you not noticed that will's entire thing since the very beginning is that he is different and he knows it and while he does get his heart broken over the fact that this means he faces constant unfairness in life, he still refuses to be any other way? will doesn't conform nor does he ever try to even when others try to force or shame him to. he gets frustrated and upset at being treated differently, yes, but he stays true to himself. to battle that feeling he sometimes gets that tells him he's a mistake, a feeling he gets not from his own otherness but from living in a world that Makes it an otherness and thus isolates him for it, he seeks out that which he loves and enjoys and throws himself wholeheartedly at it. will lives his truth and is willing to suffer the consequences for it. he refuses to live in darkness and let it take a hold of him. he holds on to hope and all that makes him feel better for being different. he holds on to art, to dnd, to video games, to his family and his friends, and everything that brings him joy and reminds him that it's okay to be different. in s1 joyce defends will ("he's missing is what he is") and jonathan tells him he shouldn't like things that other people (namely their homophobic dad) try to force him to like, that he should like what he genuinely likes. in s2 jonathan gives will the freak speech and tells him that no one normal ever accomplished anything and mentions bowie. in s3, he doesn't get a speech, (though joyce does tell him that when he falls in love he won't find it gross [avoiding the word girlfriend and leaving it neutral]) but he does face backlash from someone that IS trying to conform and IS shaming will for not letting go of "childish" things aka his interests, what's important to him, and what he wants. does will back down or shy away in shame? no. instead, he lets mike sit in his shame for having said something that hurtful, and he says "yeah. i guess i did. i really did." clearly this is a conversation about what makes will different aka his sexuality bc he goes and destroys castle byers (the safe place he and his brother built once their homophobic dad left which is a place will can be himself unapologetically) with what is likely a bat that lonnie gave him when trying to get him into baseball. he calls himself stupid and donates his dnd books, but i don't see this as an act of conformity (he tells mike as much, suggesting he'll just use his books + if he was ashamed he wouldn't have painted the party as their dnd characters and given it to him of all people lol). he felt stupid because he thought they'd always be crazy together, that they were of the same mind and heart still, and that they had the same brand of "otherness" if you catch my drift. then in s4 we get jonathan's tender "you're my brother and there is nothing absolutely nothing that will ever change that" which is the most direct anyone has ever been about that which makes will different. and he doesn't shy away from it! he doesn't deny it, because we can see from his confession and how he breaks down that he's desperately been wanting and needing to hear that. he accepts that love and allows himself to be held and seen by someone else, as he has every other time. because will doesn't hate being different, he just hates that he has to live in a world where that's seen as wrong and thus makes him feel like he doesn't belong because of it. but he doesn't change himself. he doesn't feel ashamed of it. he doesn't see it as a flaw in himself or others and he never has. will is different and he knows it and he wouldn't have it any other way.
will's story since the beginning has been about being different and going through awful things, and managing to not only find the light in it but also make it out stronger because of it all. it's always been about using what makes him different as a good thing and as something he uses to save himself and others.
will being good with a gun bought him time with whatever kidnapped him. will knowing how to run and hide kept him alive in the upside down. will acted as a spy while possessed and managed not only to save hopper but also tell them how to finish this. will's experiences and senses helped them figure out what was happening in season three. will's love and loyalty inspires mike and manages to bring him to a better place even if just for a moment in the van, and again he's the one that knows vecna's current state, aaaand had he been in hawkins at the time it likely would've gone a lot better because as dustin said "we need will".
taking something awful and turning it into a good thing and a source of strength is a wonderful trope. it's inspiring and empowering not only for the character but for those that could use that hope and reminder that there's always a silver lining, that life isn't all darkness and shadows and hurt. not only that, but it's something that they've literally always done for will since the very beginning. he is the prime character for that. his entire message has always been that it's okay to be different and that you can find strength and peace in that; that the things that make you different aren't a detriment, they're precisely what make you strong. like... i'm sorry, but have you not been paying attention at all whatsoever this entire time or... :/
#some of u heard 'sometimes it makes you feel like a mistake' and just forgot every other season ever it seems like#but idk maybe IM the outlier here lmao#characters like mike steve and eleven i can see the conformity argument for#BUT WILL?!?!?!?#will who has always drawn and listened to his music and wanted to hang out with his friends and play dnd and who#gets made fun of for so many things even by those that mean the world to him but has never ONCE tried to change#anything about who he is over that..... THAT'S who you think thinks being different is a bad thing!?!?!#will who has never lied about being a loner or what he likes or what he wants in life or has dressed like other people want him to#will who specifically has received multiple It's Okay To Be Different speeches and came out of them believing them is the character#that you think hates being different? will who loves mike's nerdy self and thinks the absolute world of him and TELLS HIM AS MUCH AND#CONFESSES HIS GAY LOVE TO DESPITE THE SUMMER OF HOMOPHOBIA AND THE AIRPORT FIASCO AND THAT DREW A#FUCKING HEART ON HIS SHIELD UNABASHEDLY AND CONFESSED IN FRONT OF TWO OTHER PEOPLE TOO ON TOP OF THAT#IN THE EIGHTIES!!!!!!! TO MIKE!!!! WHO COULDNT TOUCH HIM AND HAS A CONSERVATIVE FAMILY AND DIDNT TALK TO HIM FOR A YEAR#IS WHO YOU THINK HATES BEING DIFFERENT . HELLO#literally everything that he goes through is turned into something 'good' because that's the POINT!!!!#HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE NORMAL!!! HE IS NOT THE CHARACTER U SHOULD BE MAKING THOSE ARGUMENTS FOR LMAO#jus say u don't want him to have powers bro don't be lying on my blorbito's name like that 😭😭😭😭😭#anyway. crazed frenzy is over im normal now <3#u kno how the long and all too passionate bordering on Is This Bitch Okay mobile posts go#back to being offline now byeeeee 🏃‍♀️
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bunnihearted · 7 months
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#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff#hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o#istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this#so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours#then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic.#and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19....#i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much#she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet#i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do???#ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me??#i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo#then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks#and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts#ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life#but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today#just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol)#i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om
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missrosegold · 13 days
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Looks like I just lost another close friend to guy who isn't worth a pile of dog shit. 😊
#my best friend no less#i cried about this shit practically all afternoon but i'm all out of tears and now i'm just pissed off.#this shit has been going on for a long ass time but i've finally reached my breaking point with it#i love her#but she is delusional#and it kills me to say that#but that whole “relationship” (if you even want to call it that) is fake. all he cares about is money not her#the worst part is that she knows it too#oh but she “loves him” and “wants to give him one last chance” girl what the fuck?#oh but better yet he dumped her once 2 years ago already and i've hated his punk ass since#never should've gotten back tother after that and i told her as much even back then#all he does is make her cry#not do anything arount their town house#and sit on his ass and watch tv or sleep when he's not working#that's the tame stuff too i could say sooo much worse but i'm actually not trying to air her dirty laundry out her#i'm just pissed off#but suddenly IM the bad guy when tell her i won't support her or this “relationship” when she told me they were getting back together today#this is after i helped her and her parents ans brother move all her stuff out of the town house last Monday and back to her parents place#after she told me they were done for good#but IM the bad guy for bringing up all of fhe reasons listed above and all of the REALLY bad things about the relationship#when i tell her i won't be supporting her any longer and that i'll be walking away if she goes back to him#best part is her family agrees with me and they tell her all the things i say about him and then some#but when i go out on the line and put my heart down on the table for her and all i get back is a text saying:#“i don't really like how you're texting right now so we'll talk about this later.”#girl#i don't know whether or not i want to cry harder or strangle her#i think it's both#so yeah i think i just lost my best friend to a guy who doesn't remotly deserve her and everything kicks rocks rn#it's just like my other friend all over again#why do my friend have such dog shit taste in men
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brutal-nemesis · 1 year
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Yeehaw we gettin tagged by @whump-me​ (tyyyy) and posting 7 snippets from our writing (or wips but i am a wipless bastard atm 🤪) and i have decided to do some Silly Castys Moments (and also some Erebus stuff ig 🙄)
Warning for some gore probably it’s Nemi writing so yk but I’ll try to keep the really bad stuff outta here (there also some armputation and guy going crazy and starving to death over and over you know the drill)
1. Local silly guy does in fact regret it very much
“I don’t really want you, per se, but a certain…friend of yours.” Castys stiffened, and he heard a faint laugh. “I think you know who I’m talking about.”
“I really don’t. I’ve got a lot of friends, you know, and-” something slammed into the metal above him, cutting him off.
“Don’t play dumb with me; you know exactly who I’m talking about, and you’d better tell me where I can find him or I’ll make you regret it.”
“Please, do your worst. I already regret so many damn things so I don’t think another one on the pile will do much to me, to be honest,” Castys mused, wiggling against his bonds slightly.
2. The worst fmk in existence gets you stabbed
“Hey, guys, fuck, marry, kill for rice, pasta, and bread, go. I think for me, I gotta say fuck bread, marry rice, kill pasta. Don’t get me wrong, I love some noodles, some noods, but, like, man. Have you ever just, like, had some bread? Insane. I would fuck bread. I don’t wanna fuck anything, but boy I would fuck the bread. And rice, man, she’s so dependable, she’s always there for you. What I would want in a spouse if I wanted anything in a spouse. This game wasn’t really designed for me, and yet, here I am. So, c’mon, what’s it from you two? You’ve gotta have-Hey, Danny boy, got an opinion you’d like to share?” Castys smiled up at the man now standing in front of him.
Daniel rolled his eyes before putting his asshole face back on. “Just do something useful for once and hold this for me, vermin,” he said with a smile, lifting Castys’s shirt and gently sliding the knife he was holding into his abdomen. Castys just sighed, way too used to being stabbed to really care much about this.
3. Ripping your arm off but it’s a Phineas and Ferb reference (this one is probably the most gory of all the snippets fyi but it’s not too bad)
Sensing his chance, Castys grabbed the manacled wrist of his shredded arm with his good hand, bit down on the gag, and pulled. He couldn’t give up, couldn’t stop, not after enduring this much, he could feel his flesh tearing, sending out sparks of agony unlike anything he’d ever known, and he had to keep pulling, pulling and jerking and tearing and twisting and praying, praying that he could rip it off before he drowned again, which, hey, kind of a weird thing to want, not that he hadn’t had to amputate his own limbs before, but weird that it was happening again, and honestly, this hurt way more than the other times, but wasn’t that always the case-and fuck there was no way he was going to be able to just snap his bones like this, and he needed it to be completely severed, and there was no time, wedge it against the rocks and pull pull pull until there was a snap and a burst of unholy agony, so intense it almost smothered the relief, so fierce it made him forget he was drowning up until the moment his oxygen-starved brain lost consciousness.
4. Lmaoooo bitches trapped in a cell for like 200 years
Every three days. Thirst. Weakness. Dizziness. Death. Was it three days? Is that how long you could last without water? He tried to count, but the numbers got lost in the haze all too easily. There was no way to mark the stone, to keep track outside of his head, the blood wasn’t being washed off him anymore. He had nothing, nothing at all, just here and himself and the unyielding stone. The square of sunlight would move across the cell, the only motion to break the constancy of everything else. It was the same day repeated over and over and over and over and over and it was the same just the same nothing ever changed, ever, ever, it was the same-
Something wasn’t the same. The leather muzzle that had kept him silent for so long had been slowly rotting, and it finally fell off. For a moment he simply stared at it lying there on the ground, broken, dying, fading away. He opened his mouth for the first time in decades. And he screamed, because that thing got to rot away and disappear and he wouldn’t, he would always be here, hungry and thirsty and alone and trapped and alive and it wasn’t fair, not at all, and he screamed because it had been so long since he was able, he cried because it was all he could do.
5. Erebus’s iconic sit down protest ✨ (it does not accomplish anything in the end)
“You are coming with me. As of today you are my property, so you will do as I say. Resistance will only make things more difficult for you. So you will walk, or you will be dragged. Your choice.” Erebus initially felt a bolt of fear shoot through him, but looking down at her scrawny frame, he realized that she likely couldn’t carry out her threat.
Dragged? He’d like to see her try.
Erebus sat down on the ground and looked expectantly up at Neteri, one eyebrow raised. She huffed and narrowed her eyes. Planting her feet firmly on the ground, she tugged on the chain as hard as she could, but it did little more than make him lean forward. She sighed. “Okay, you have a point there.”
6. More Erebus and Neteri shenanigans because she’s right he’s being a drama queen
“You can’t just do that! That’s-you can’t just amputate my arm!”
“See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d freak out.”
“Of-of course I’m freaking out! You want to cut off one of my limbs, for Drottkia’s sake!”
“I mean, yeah, but I’m going to give you a new one right away. So at the end of the day you’ll have the same number of arms you started with. It’s honestly not worth getting that worked up about.”
7. New phobia alert!! (warning for centipede on guy)
He felt it, it was on him, dozens of little legs pitter-pattering across his skin, crawling on him. “G-get it off. Neteri, please, please get it off.” It tickled the back of his neck, around the base of the section of skin she’d replaced. “What’s it doing Neteri plea-” she clamped a hand over his mouth, her thumb rubbing against his cheek as he whimpered.
“Shh, shh, you’re okay Erebus. I’m just seeing if it can connect to you, I promise I’ll take it off when I’m done.” Connect to him?! What-what did that mean-oh it had stopped crawling around it was just sitting there it was on his back what was it going to do to him what did connecting mean was it-Erebus felt a momentary pinch at the base of his neck, and suddenly his limbs starting moving, wriggling in the restraints all on their own. Neteri removed her hand from his mouth and looked down at him expectantly, her other hand still gripping his tightly even as his fingers twitched uncontrollably. “Are you doing that?”
“N-no I-I’m not moving I’m not doing that why are they doing that I can’t stop it is it doing that to me make it stop make it let go please-” Tears were streaming from Erebus’s eyes but he didn’t care he just wanted that thing off he wanted it gone he wanted control of his own body back he’d always had that even when he was tied up and strapped down he’d always had that-
And there we go hope that either a fun time on memory lane or at least made you laugh a little
Taggin uhhhh @galaxywhump @yet-another-heathen and @painsandconfusion (mainly because i know you will want to read the Castys content 💕)
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thecherrygod · 8 months
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#my posts#you know how this usually goes#i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao#... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better#maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more#2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao#. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao#like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general#what i do isnt good enough#what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently#or at least not this bad#but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao#also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me#but like.. more than usual#and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem#idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse#or they i will regret lmao#i. wont do any of those#also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die#not against it but its not the only option#just lay there and float..... also not against it#i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is#like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao#... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired#.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao#like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah#its kinda worse than i thought lmao
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princessmyriad · 7 months
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#i cant do it i cant any more im worn out!! and i know i have no right to be!#ive been worn out for a long time. i know everyone has. i know i cant take a break from the internet because Palestine still needs coverage#and now with the *drama* happening on tumblr. i dont want to tag it i dont want o be delet but you know the one#feels fucked to even have to call it drama but im one blog. im one little blog and im gonna be devastated if i get got for speaking out#ive had one blog removed by an authority figure it was soul crushing and i only had that one for like 3 years#this is over a decade of my life. if its gone my soul goes with it so i cant risk speakin out in any way that matters or is too conspicuous#but its all just too much. i need to go grocery shopping and it feels hard and bad. i try to come to my one safe place on the internet#to give me courage but its just post after post about more bad news. i saw a photo of a group of soldiers smiling and laughing#about murdering diabled people and taking their walking aides. i know the captions were people saying how horrible those soldiers were#and the active participation in ending diabled lives those soldiers had to take those photos and im just. why was it posted at all#we know the worlds bad. we know. why are you giving these people more publicity. i dont want to see that sickening smile#i just cant any more. i cant deal with anything its all too much its too much on a personal note and its too much internet wide#but i cant complain about it because im not the one being actievly genocided or harrased and i also cant leave because the people who are#need as much support as they can get and i want to support. i want to help#idk idk im crying im stuck i just wanna be able to get groceries but everything real life and internet is too fucking much
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saddlepunk · 11 months
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NOT having a panic attack at work just having funny lil thoughts i cant get out of my head and a silly little increased heartrats that drove me 2 the bathroom to shiver for a bit. now that its over im all good. i can shove all this stuff down in2 the bad zone and maybe if i ignore all this even HARDER itll go away
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semiotomatics · 11 months
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:/
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dog-girl-zezora · 1 year
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...
#personal#so like ive been thinking about why i have this strange uncaring feeling about family during this vacation#i hate spending time with them i find them annoying and just not enjoyable to be around extended family is like having a customer talk to m#and bc of that i am the most insufferable person to be around. i dont have it in me to care about looking happy or being my best#i just exist i am here i am here with you and thats all it is to me. if i had a choice i would not be here.#they get mad with the way i am they dont like my indifference about everything we do but i am just LIKE that im honest about my feelings#it shows on my face and my voice. but i would never say anything bad outloud. so why does my body language matter anyways#i still think they should be happy im physically with them even if my heart is not so it should be enough...#i dont know when i stopped being happy around them#i think ive been this way for so long that i just have no room to really grow too much#and my friends and partners have a side of me that will never be shown to my family.#i feel two faced. but its not a bad thing#i wouldnt abandon them i respect what theyve done for me#but that doesnt erase the past.#... i understand it more. we have to live with our demons and the ghosts thay haunt us#but learning to not hold on to the hate and dread. not letting it kill you#thats. the hardest. part. because it comes back and it goes and its back and its gone#mmm#sometimes i do wish i could forget.#i would maybe be nicer.
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theamazingannie · 9 months
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Not my mom asking me what my brother’s email and password is and me knowing it lmao. Why does no one around here even acknowledge that I’m more of a parent to my brother than they are
#she’s mad that he listens to me better than he listens to her#not only do not constantly yell at him and not bother to work with him#but Im the one who wakes him up in the morning#Im the one that makes sure he showers and goes to bed at a decent time#Im the one who helps him with his homework#hell I’m the only one who bothers to make sure he does it BEFORE he gets the zero in the grade book#and he doesn’t even see me as an authority figure because they don’t respect me so why should he#if I try to punish him or reinforce his behavior in any way they always overrule me#and then give him a worse reinforcement tactic that clearly doesn’t work#like i really feel like we’d be better off if they just fucked off and left me completely in charge of him#they refuse to take any accountability yet blame me for anything he does wrong#they are literally such shit parents and it took them so long to realize it because my sister and I parented ourselves#but my brother was spoiled too much growing up so he never learned how and they never learned how to parent#and refuse to learn now#they get mad if I try to offer any tips despite being the only one who’s ever successful#they ignore the fact that I have a degree in psychology and took classes in childhood development because I don’t have the experience#but apprently they don’t have the experience either or else they’d be better at this!#Ugh it’s so annoying watching them do everything wrong and being comoelehlt powerless to do anything#i cant imagine how bad it would be if I wasn’t here#they’d probably beat him constantly since I’m the only one that can stop them#the only thing they really provide is transportation and money#and still they’re too lazy to drive us around anywhere half the time and are constantly blowing their money on frivolous things#so we don’t have enough sometimes to pay bills or have nice dinners#that *I* make btw cuz they’re too lazy to#which is fine cuz I don’t work but before I moved back in they were eating ramen noodles and mac and cheese every day#and have the audacity to say I don’t do shit around here#they would FLOUNDER without me#god i cant wait until I can get out of here but I literally don’t know if I ever will cuz ive not been well mentally#and theyre behavior isn’t helping
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I've been in my feelings about Jo and Aoki's last interactions for a bit...
Because that whole scene is textbook verbal abuse, right... Aoki is very clearly trying to tear Jo's self-esteem and bolster his own, establish control, all that, and Jo just has to stand there meekly and take it. All because Jo's disobeyed one too many times and Aoki needs someone he knows he can control to head the Tokyo Omi Alliance.
Like Jo says he's never disobeyed Aoki except in that one instance, but not handling things himself at Otohime Land was very much his way of giving Ichi an out indirectly, and I feel like Aoki was beginning to catch on based on his comments about Jo neglecting the situation and acting strangely. Directly refusing his orders just confirmed his suspicions.
It's kind of lost among all the bombshells dropped in Chapter 13, but Jo's hesitance to kill anyone who's important to Arakawa is a big deal to me. It's not like he had any personal ties to Hoshino or any investment in maintaining the balance of the Ijin Three whatsoever; he went to those lengths to set himself up to be stopped because Arakawa wouldn't want Hoshino to die and that was it.
To return to the scene, I think it's also a great demonstration of Aoki's "those who use and those who get used" mentality. This next thing is... pretty badly mistranslated, at least in the subs, so it was lost on me for a while. But before the Lost Puppy line, the specific way Aoki chooses to downplay Jo's merit is by telling him he only got to his position because everyone was so sensitive to his (Aoki's) feelings and could tell he favored Jo, following him around like a lost puppy being precisely why Aoki favored him.
I don't think that was all there was to it, of course. Dude was five and deliberately brings Jo wherever he goes to this day by choice. It's kind of like those guys who get rejected once and start going on tirades about how "she should've been grateful, she was ugly anyway." But that's what Aoki wants to portray--you only had it that good because of me, and I can take it away whenever I want. Whenever you're no longer of use. Anything to preserve his status as the user and Jo's as the used.
Jo's crossed the line at this point. He is no longer of use. He does kind of get into it so that takes the edge off my frustration with The English Language, but from this point onward, he believes Aoki sees him as a "bullet"--a hitman only sent on suicide missions. So despite everything he's done for him, despite being "the favorite," he knows full well Aoki's trying to kill him before Aoki even gives Ishioda the order. And... he accepts it.
So TO GO FROM THAT to having to reconcile in prison would've been so much powerful than what the ending was trying to do. Having to come to terms with the fact you killed one of the only people who saw you for who you were and truly cared about you, were going to kill the other two, and have abused all three from the moment you realized you had power over them. And for Jo, going through everything he went through because of Aoki and loving him without question anyway... Getting to express that in some small way... I need to lie down...
ALSO tattoo essay... later... maybe tomorrow... I mainly just feel like I sound extremely mean about rggtattoos' take😭😭😭but the show must go on
YEAH NO THAT'S IT ALL FAX NO PRINTER NO EXTRA NOTES NECESSARY
It'd be the fact that Aoki'd have no choice but to confront those decisions he made and those things he wanted to happen. he'd made a social circle for himself where people predominantly liked him for the power and influence he had and totally turned his back on the people who- awfully ironically as he wanted- loved him for him
He'd already smoothed things over with Ichi, so- by his own hand- all that was left was Jo, the person he'd taken for granted the most next to Arakawa and who he planned to have executed alongside him. Jo's got every right to not forgive Aoki and to push him away, let each other rot in prison ignoring each other. So it's the worst feeling when Jo doesn't do that- its impossible for me not to imagine Jo wondering about what happened for Aoki to get so banged up if he's brought into prison the same night, and making sure Aoki's okay despite it.
Whereas Ichi was more upfront about his love and even frustrated about it ('frustrated' in that 'how could Aoki be so blind not to see how much care there is for him from us'), the breaking part about Jo is that he's forced himself to be so careful about showing his affection. Ichi's love was borderline irritating for how apparent it was: Jo's could have easily been written off or ignored.
All of that said, prison is where Aoki would be forced to realize that Jo does love him like Ichi said he does; there's no reason to keep up appearance or kiss up anymore- Aoki doesn't have any use to Jo anymore (if Aoki chose to interpret Jo's loyalties as a stepping stone to promote himself), and there's certainly no where else to run. It's probably that dawning moment that's gotta be so. Oh God What The Fuck. Like it's a sobering moment for him to go 'What have I been doing this whole time/what have I done to everyone', as corny as it sounds
#long post#just said 'no notes necessary' and here i go spouting bullshit again ☠️#in any case there goes my essay about the dynamic shown between jo and aoki 😩#but in all seriousness Yeah.... its shit i rotate in my head constantly about- esp where aoki starts to notice how 'strange' jo's acting#it fucks with me on immeasurable levels and i love examining it in my fuckin. awful little cave that's my brain#its just such a twisted set of circumstances that hurts that i enjoy it makes me want to throw up if i think of it for too long#their interactions are so minimal but i will tear into them and rip them apart. as much as i allow myself to anyway#ive gone on a gross nonsense ramble long enough though.. i blame all the dramas and movies i been watchin lately...#i need that bittersweet moment so bad and knowing itll never come makes me want to eat my tea pot and crunch the porcelain#ouugghhh... i have to finish these comms maybe then i can be delusional and scribble up such an ending#and feel free to take your time with that tattoo essay ! if you disagree with something then just say so#no point in beating around the bush- esp when ive mentioned it so much (which mustve been a pain to read 🙇‍♂️)#just gotta say your piece and carry on: peer review and discussion and all very valuable things#its why i try to not to say anythin if i can help it LMAO im far too baby brained to contribute anything sufficient or of value#big fan of reading though :) very much a sheep i am LMAO#ive thrown up verbiage enough though i still have these comms to finish 😭
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bunnihearted · 10 months
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#idk how to even express this or put it into worlds but it is lying right under my skin and itching so i need to try#i dont feel safe in the world. anywhere. i dont wanna leave my home. i dont wanna be outside and interact w ppl#i want to minimize all interactions w ppl bc ppl are DANGEROUS and unsafe#everytime i find myself alone in a room w a man wheteher he's a doctor or physical therapist my entire body wants to flee. nd shut down#even if it's 1 in 1000 that smth will happen just then#and almost every single time it goes fine. im under so much anxiety and fear during that entire session#whenever im out for my late night walks in nature and i hear a sound im on edge the entire way home bc i can imagine a 1000 bad things that#could happen#so on so forth there are countless scenarios like these it'd take me too long to recount all of them#but also.. the knowledge that this is just how it is. this is the ways of the world. everyone knows it. nothing to be done abt it...#it's sould crushing to be aware of that. nothing to be done abt it.... nothing at all. it is what it is#it is ridiculed. enjoyed. fetishized. etc etc etc#it always ends w victims dont matter. not the feelings or trauma or opinions or voices.#all reduced to smth to get off to. merely an objects. and empty shell. that is the ways of the world. nothing to be done abt it#and nowhere is safe. ppl are either perpetrators themselves. or they are defenders of it. or contributers to the surrounding culture#no one at all in the world can be trusted. no one is safe. no one cares. no one will do anything other than#ridicule u. blame u. trigger u. defend the acts of abusers. that is the truth of humanity#the truth of the world. it's all built on this. there is no other reality nor truth#and other people are capable of accepting it so well. like they dont care. bc they dont care abt anything actually#but i just cant accept it. i'd rather die than live in this world. and why should i live when i'll always be alone because#no one. is. safe. no one can be trusted#they're all on the vicious cruel abusive side. they all are. nobody cares abt wrongdoings or abuse or pain inflicted. nobody does#nobody cares at all abt what happened to u. they'll keep upholding the abusive systems in place.#bc u dont matter. u never have and never will#i dont wanna go outside or be around ppl bc no one is safe. theyre all against your safety comfort and wellbeing. they all love suffering#i hate ppl bc they all contribute to abuse and rape and everything bad happening all the time. they do not care. no sympathy or compassion#nothing abt this world or humanity is good or kind. it is all cruel harmful venom.
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gayday · 2 years
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#chronically lonely and not havingn a good time#time to rant#long whiny probably triggering tags below youve been warned#im so fucking alone and its never gonna get better#nothing has ever been okay and nothing will ever be okay and tumblr post by people with so much privilege they have no idea#cant convince me life is ever gonna be okay because its not its just not thats a lie by people who already had money and friends and#stable lives at my age#‟youre too young to know‟ too bad i know how data analysis works and based on almost 18 years of data Nothing ever gets better and it rly#only ever gets worse#im not good at anything and no one likes me and no one ever will. or i will get abandoned by anyone i think i can trust because thats just#the way it always goes#the only escape and the only rational solution at this point is to put a bullet in my head#‟suicide doesnt solve anything‟ what is it not solving. I am the only reason i have problems#if i was not there to experience the problems I have. the problems would not exist#and theyre never gonna get better#if i remove myself from the equation ill never experience a negative emotion or a problem ever again therefore making there no problem#no one would miss me if i was gone and i serve no purpose besides being an annoying burden and a waste of resources#everything would be better without me#oh also i experience no positive emotions that last long enough to matter or that dont get tainted by 10x more negative ones#so staying around to experience positive things doesnt work bc i literally only feel numb or angry or hopeless#btw im in therapy and on 3 psych meds i think im just a lost cause#no point!#this is not a suicide note i have no means of doing so I'm just really frustrated and nothing is okay at all so i needed to rant ok byeeee
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