#i think the meds are helping
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:/
#hate staying awake long enough for the Bad Thoughts to start#so annoying#and i was feeling so good earlier too#i stg its just the time of day#tho like. to be fair. i didnt really eat today#just couldnt bring myself to#i snacked a bit#idk sometimes i think when i feel ''good'' im actually just Distracted From The Bad#and then as soon as the distraction goes away the bad comes flooding back in#and nighttime is a time when there is very little distraction#/sigh#i do feel better tho#in some ways at least#i think the meds are helping#and my first therapy appt is this sat#hopefully that. helps#does something#does ANYTHING#need#to#sleeeeeeeep#this has been an original post#personal spewage
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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‘wow dr minyard how are you so calm and patient even with the insane ones?’
‘i’ve had practice.’
#impressive amount of skill juggling premed with andrew and a murder case and neil fucking josten and kevin mf day and the mafia and#this man has the patience of a fucking saint#patients will tell him the most unhinged disturbing questionable things and he’d go damn u should my brother’s man#stitched up a shot man in the middle of the hospital waiting are because it was urgent and he’d done it twice before w neil#handled alcoholism with such professionalism you’d think he worked in a rehab center (he helped kevin w his addiction)#i’d love to see the cases he can handle with unnatural ease just because of the insane fucking college experience he acquired#i’d write something surrounding this but i can’t write and i don’t have enough med knowledge#i love aaron minyard btw in case you couldn’t tell#aaron minyard#the foxhole court#all for the game#aftg#neil josten#kevin day#tfc#andrew minyard#twinyards#blue's bs
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OMEGA SATORU????????????? RAAAAAAAHHHHWOLF ON HIS KNEES RIPPING OFF CLOTHES im normal about it please elaborate please
chuckles evilly…. satoru’s the kind of omega that knows that other people want him, knows that he could date or sleep with pretty much anybody he wants, but there’s only one person he wants and it’s you, and he’s stubborn and insufferable about it. you seem to be the only alpha in his life that’s immune to him and it drives him crazy—it doesn’t matter how much he flirts, how good he smells, how many times he pouts and blinks and calls you alpha, you just smile and ruffle his hair and it kills him. he doesn’t get it. even nanami has had to take a step away from him when he’s close his heat, but you’re not phased by him at all.
it’s bordering on pathetic bc you’re not even mates, not even dating, not even close to being anything really—you’re friends and have been for a while, but that doesn’t stop satoru from throwing himself onto you, from pouting, and from proudly declaring that you’re His alpha. he brags and brags and brags to anyone who will listen about how he’s in the best pack in the world, how you’re the best alpha of them all, how he’s the luckiest omega ever, but every time he’s hit with the reality that he’s not yours, he gets unreasonably upset. sometimes, he even tries to take it out on you, gets himself sick or drunk or lets his pheromones run wild while he clings to you and slurs about how you’re supposed to be a good alpha, and take care of him. gets himself all worked up, pacing the floor and pouting and ranting incoherently about how he’s always been yours and it’s not fair that you’re not his and he’s being irrational and he’s definitely not sober, but still, all you have to do is call his name and barely nip at his wrist and it’s like his entire body resets. he freezes and goes slack and he’s scolding himself internally because he’s so weak to you and he can’t do anything to make you succumb to him.
it’s not like he’d change that tho. it bothers him that he has no sway over you, but, truthfully, he loves the control that you have over him. he likes you can tame him, he likes belonging to you like that. he just wants to have you like that, too. and so yes he’s desperate, yes he’s pathetic, yes he’ll do anything for your attention, but he doesn’t care, satoru wants you and he will do whatever it takes to have you
#anonymous#i just know he bites for fun LMFAO#or complains that his teeth are so so that you'll let him bite you#and when u do he gets all giddy like literally goes home to scream YIPPIE and kick his legs#listen.... i have a whole draft dedicated to omega satoru who purposely messes with/doesnt take his meds#bc he's jealous when he hears some other omega asked u to help him through his heat#and he times it just right so that youre the only alpha around to take care of him#and all ur friends think its insane and dangerous#but they also all agree that ur the only person he trusts to be near him while hes out of it like this#and it's really just satoru being lovedrunk during his heat and pining so embarrassingly hard#i should work on that....#gojo x reader#satoru.ask
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the people who stayed in avengers tower fandom are so smart. they all live together and its fine
#the people who were like ''and then they find bucky and bring him to avengers tower also'' were the smartest#i am on so much cold med s i am thinking abt it lovingly#bonky.................gets a fancy new starktech prosthetic made to be for HIM how HE likes it. steve helps design. everoyne is happy#they have movie night :) clint is fractionaja clint mysteriously :)#kayvswords
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Todays WIP that will go nowhere-- Eddie realizing Steve is a good person not through the Party, or anything that happens in S4, but by witnessing his weird ass interactions with Jonathan Byers.
The guy publicly decked him, "stole" (Eddie does not believe one can "steal" a person outside of kidnapping but that's how the rumor mill is phrasing it) Steve's girlfriend, and if Carol Perkins is to be believed, took creep-shot photos of him having sex and yet:
Eddie has now repeatedly witnessed the two of them not just making nice with each other, but outright beelining for each other.
Taking in harsh whispers, going places together, cars following each other, and half the time there's a bunch of kids with them instead of Nancy.
Jonathan is notorious for being a loner even by Eddie's standards and yet he reacts to Steve the same way one reacts to a trustworthy member of the family--with relief.
They're not even that nice with each other--Eddie's heard them trade insults.
(The whole school and likely half of Hawkins has heard them trade insults.)
Eddie's been involved in the wrong crowd long enough to recognize when two people have a sort of unshakable trust with each other, that "I hate you but I have your back" partner in crime vibe that his father always exploited, but with Steve and Jonathan it's real.
And that is what constantly makes Eddie look different at Steve.
Not the kids, though he gives Dustin all the shit he can over his giant case of "Harrington Worship", but because he keeps thinking Steve is going to be shitty, has always assumed Steve was being shitty, and now that Steve has actually caught Eddie's eye its impossible to miss that he isn't/
#I love giving Steve and Jonathan a sort of#not exactly love/hate#but more like that family member you fight with constantly#but who will show up to help if you call them#like you go oh god theyre gonna be at the family event noooo#but in an emergency they're trustworthy and reliable#i also like to think nancy steve and jonathan started carrying around shit foreach other#like pain meds and weapons and shit in their cars#after s2#because thats also hilarious#“Why do you have muscle relaxers?”#“Oh theyre for Jonathan”#“You hate Jonathan.”#“Yeah? And?”
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I know the decision to have Julian's parents have him augmented was made on the fly but imo its pretty obvious from early on that Julian has Family Issues because he avoids talking about his family like the plague and I think they should've incorporated this into the Julian and Sisko dynamic right from early on because I think it would've made for some really compelling stories and moments and could've set up a REALLY interesting Julian and Jake dynamic which they kinda started to do but never fully went for
#star trek: ds9#julian bashir#benjamin sisko#jake sisko#s1 Julian being so young and eager to prove himself and latching onto Sisko as this mentor figure to look up to#seeing Sisko with Jake and low-key seeking that fatherly figure connection which he won't even let himself think about#Sisko seeing this young brilliant doctor who's got all the makings to be something great and he's just GOTTA help him along#I think he would also catch on pretty quick that Julian's got Parental Issues#he tries to ask one day all casual like 'tell me about yourself :)' and Julian talks about nothing but Starfleet and med school#any attempts to ask about his family are met with awkward brief answers and redirections#and then theres the way Julian's eyes light up the first time Sisko invites him to watch a baseball game#like he Knows. he's a dad he Knows somethings up#but he doesnt pry#I also think it makes their dynamic more tragic towards the end of the series#where we have Sisko asking Julian to compromise his morals again and again#Julian's trust and respect for him gradually deteriorating#and then at the end of course Sisko is gone and they have no idea when he'll be back#which I think Julian would have a lot of complicated feelings about#but of course theres also Jake#I imagine they'd get closer#very brotherly dynamic#you know that scene in TNG where Wesley goes to Riker for girl advice and Riker and Guinan start flirting?#absolutely happens but with Jake asking Julian for girl advice and Julian wooing a girl at Quark's and Jake absolutely loses the plot#makes the events of ...Nor the Battle to the Strong more intense as well I think#also I like to think there'd be an episode where the B plot is Jake gets mad at Sisko and impulsively decides to move out#ends up at Julian's because he did not think this through#Julian is now very much caught in the middle of this family drama and he Fucking Hates It#also him and Jake are NOT compatible roommates but he's trying so so hard to be nice#eventually they have a talk and Julian cryptically hints at his own home life and tells Jake he's lucky he has a dad who cares so much#them being closer would work into what Alone Together sets up for them
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I get that this is something that happens v rarely etc and phil didn't want anyone to get scared off of colonoscopies and such because of this incident, but what's actually refusing to leave my head and scaring me is how often doctors will (and have done with me too) simply not go over certain possibilities of a procedure in full because it's rare/they don't want to scare you or whatever and so you end up not knowing to look out for anything going wrong with meds and treatments and procedures like this, like yea for sure create a positive outlook around scary sounding medical stuff but also I never like how doctors can and do just decide to simply not mention some possibilities yk? Because 'this happens rarely' still means it will happen to someone or the other and if they aren't prepared/aren't watching out for shit going wrong/not able to connect the dots it can get really bad, informed consent should be properly informed consent. Just had to get that off my chest lol
#I've had awful experiences with stuff like doctors refusing to go over possible side effects for meds because 'that is v v rare'#and I don't think the fear of not being reasonably informed by doctors is irrational yk?#I'm not saying this has scared me about colonoscopies or whatever. but it hasn't helped the fear of docs not disclosing every thing#medical stuff#dnp#dan and phil
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*Leon, popping back around the corner after being gone for 10 minutes to rejoin Chris and Alpha Team*
Leon: Did you know there was a big BOW down that hallway?
Chris: Oh, shit, you need back up?
Leon: Was. I said 'was'.
Leon: But back up would have been nice about 7 minutes ago.
*Leon lifts his very obviously, disgustingly broken arm to show Chris*
Chris: holy shit Leon--
Leon: Don't worry, as long as we get out of here before the painkiller wears off I'm good
Chris: ... there wasn't exactly a right answer to ease my concerns, but that is actually a wrong answer
#Leon is so scarily calm about injuries in the field and it freaks the fuck out of Chris#because “wtf Leon?? i need to know the moment you're injured” because Chris is used to have a team to cover for injuries/casualties#meanwhile Leon is flying solo almost all the time so he is very much a “take good pain meds about it and don't think too hard” about it#anyways this is q scene that is probably going to fit into a “Chris realizes that Leon's field operating procedures are#fundamentally different because Leon never has anyone else to help/cover for him.“#resident evil#re stuff#leon kennedy#leon s kennedy#fanfic talk#re ideas#chris redfield
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he is the dirt under my fingernails
#just a bunch of kons ive drawn over a time period#when im upset i draw him woopeee#snyways look @ my hcs boy#i hold unhealthy ass kon rlly close 2 my heart u dont understand ots so stupid#CAN U TELL WHEN U DRAW YOUNGER KON?? I RLLY HOPE SO PLS TELL ME U DO#kfjfoksnsnnngngngn hhhhhhhhhhhh#ive paniking all night staring @ the figure outside my window#now its afternoon & I CANT SLEEEEPPP tehehe#y doesnt melotinon melon mel something WORKKK#call back 2 the time i took a whole bottle of those tablets & stayed up 2 dayd that was weird#im rambling in my tags again mooommmm#yk what would b a good idea? taking my meds#imma do that yeah#kon el#kontent#U GET A TAG#konmen pls accept me as a konartist pls oh god#pls dont eat me alive#puppee art#oh hint of kart in there ofc bc im insane#i ordered stuff 4 etsy((i think idk if i did it correct)) & im working on buttons((FINALLY AGAIN))#me? doing work outside of work? insnae. its mot work im just drawing kon & bart send help#i need 2 shut up im so tired wikihow how 2 sleep
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as someone from argentina, can you please share how things are in your country with franco now in f1? and like how fast things have changed and the hype he got, the difference between f2 and f1 etc? i'm so curious to know, i assume he'll head back home after the brazil gp since there's a bit of a break and argentina is right there. i'm picturing pure chaos
oh it's INSANE the amount of support he gained in two months. he already was pretty well-known in argentina after fans pushed a campaign to get him sponsors for f2 last year. he wasn't going to be able to jump from f3 to f2 until argentinian fans came through and started making noise. when franco came there was a hundred people outside his hotel. bizarrap's dad saw the campaign and the rest is history
but while thousands of argentinians followed his f2 races, the vast majority of them already were motorsport fans. now, in f1, EVERYONE is supporting him, even people who hadn't watched a single f1 race before. right before the f1 announcement franco had 552k followers on instagram. now he has 3.2 million !!!!!
i've overheard people talking about him at the supermarket and the doctor's waiting room ??!&# which is crazy. i haven't seen something like this for an argentinian athlete in a long while. he said he hates the messi comparisons but i can see this worship getting near that level in the future if all goes well
they're planning a banderazo for interlagos so watch out for hundreds of argentinians flags. it's gonna be insane
#im a med student so i was at the ER during austin sprint qualy and even the doctors and nurses were glued to the tv for a bit 😭#they asked me so many questions about it bc they didn't quite understand but still wanted to support him#2 of my friends started watching f1 for him too#despite me begging them to get into f1 for the last 3 years 😑😑#all this crazy support has its disadvantages though#they are very loud even if sometimes they are wrong and clearly have no idea what they're talking about#football culture is so ingrained in argentinians that many are bringing unnecessary rivalries and aggressiveness#while argentinian motorsport fans are constantly telling them “hey we don't do That here.. you think you help franco but you really are not”#but well hopefully they'll learn soon enough
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Modern Capvers bags and inventory (I’ll polish it when i have the time)
#fanart#bbc ghosts#the captain#capvers#lieutenant havers#caphavers#I’m so sorry i gave cap a heart monitor patch and heart meds#I just know he needs them#I also personally think that man has anxiety but the meds also help him suppress it#gave Havers a stuffed frog as a stress toy#he too isn’t going to escape trauma#he left his meds at home#I also gave him a cat tea infuser cuz I just feel like he has them#if you look closely I gave him hearing aids too !!#he’s also a tote bag guy#to me-#sometimes we as a society forget that cap is a smoker I feel like.
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i think he looks nice in pink.....
#scribbles#gravity falls#fiddleford mcgucket#i took my melatonin.... ive completely locked in a solid sleep schedule over the course of probably almost 2 months now#and melatonin is helping a lot.... who knew meds would do something#i think its been doing a lot for me... i think#i started taking it to see if i could use it to combat my nightmares and how they would keep scaring me awake#so i guess it wasnt 2 months straight but y know#for the most part#anyway back to fiddleford
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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I’ll be completely honestly. I will judge you based on how you view Lottie Mathews. If you watch Yellowjackets and go calling her “psycho” “crazy” and judge her abhorent and manipulative for literally just having symptoms of her psychosis while UNMEDICATED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WILDERNESS, I won’t trust you for shit.
#like#I get the girls thinking that#because they are in the wilderness with her going through the same stress in the freaking 90’s#and her delusions had serious impacts in their lifes and in their survival there#and the mysticism they formed around her and those delusions had a lasting impact#but you won’t see Lottie going around saying that her visions are the Word of God#heck#she spends almost the entirety of season two sitting by the window praying for the best#and what she does she does because in her mind those things are helping people#and it’s not her wicca tea sending people into murderous cannibalistic rampages#bestie needs actual therapy#and to go back to taking her meds#and KEEP HER AWAY FROM ELECTROCONVULSIVE THERAPY#That shit is barbaric#I feel very strongly about lottie matthews#particularly because I struggle with similar shit and really get her#yellowjackets#yjposting#lottie yellowjackets#lottie matthews#lottie did nothing wrong#i support womens wrongs
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"it's okay to take your pain meds as prescribed when you need them" I sing to myself while taking 3/4 of a dose because even after all these years I'm terrified of being fully dependent on a medication that I know I need
#lmao#chronic pain#see I'm taking 3/4 because I want to take only half#but I know that there is a good chance that will not be enough to help my pain enough so that I can think and do my job and do my PT n such#so 3/4 is my compromise#what a weird little existence we lead my friends#sigh#meds#(there is also always a fear that I will lose access so I'm always trying to take as little as possible in case that day is Tomorrow)#irrational? perhaps#but pain is fucking scary#ya know?
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