#yk what would b a good idea? taking my meds

[pup-pee]

he is the dirt under my fingernails

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[hepivs-blog]

❝  theo james. cismale. he/him.  ❞ ━ 𝕝𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨 welcomes peter velasco with open arms. the thirty four year old doctor has been living here for thirty years, give or take. on a good day, they seem the droll & considerate type, but their drained & fastidious tendencies shine through when there are no taxis into the city.

hi hello i’m ron, i’m 23 years old and i have a basketball game tomorrowwww. do people even quote vines anymore ? anyways. hey guys. i’m from the gmt -3 timezone and i’ve been away from roleplaying for a while so i’m john wick getting back in the game now even tho idek whats the aesthetic anymore . i’m old n wrinkly but i’m easily entertained by anything at all so i’m fairly easy to talk to . but, enough of my gay rambling . let us esketit

folks !!! *claps hands* i introduce you to peter maxwell velasco. new orleans born and bred, his parents have owned a family restaurant that has existed for over 200 years. its one of those yk, legendary joints kinda thing where everyone can have lunch after sunday mass

peter always wanted to be a doctor, yk. even tho his folks werent exactly well off, he did his best and made it through med school and we don’t bring up his student debt ok. he pretends it vanished jus like what thanos did to the avengers

peter???? fuckin loves being a doctor my guy. its the only thing that makes sense to him. he’s in orthopedics and usually he gets ppl w broken arms n legs and its pretty regular but he ocasionally does some cool surgeries. the whole greys anatomy routine

a dork. a nerd if you well. he’s a sweetheart but v stressed and overworked but then again in this economy who isn’t??? tho he gets along p well w his family n coworkers, peter just feel like something is missing??? we’ll call it the idea that his parents put into his head that he was going to b extraordinary and now he’s here in his thirties and he’s just??? another ordinary guy trying to survive. he most likely won’t find out the cure for parkinson’s or anything. he’s just. gonna live his life yk??

but yeah. he’s just an awkward, extremely tall guy ( my heart goes out for every short king out there jsyk ), who likes comfy sweaters and drinks a little too much coffee and never seems to relax yk

would go to war for dogs. he watched isle of dogs and it completely resonated w him god he would never let dogs get banished from this world ok. he has a dog n he’s a mutt ( half amazing and half terrific ) and he’s named hugo and he’s like eleven years old and blind and possibly very ugly to anyone BUT peter but thats just how it is 

a little bit troubled in the relationship department because though he’s easy enough to make conversation with he’s not very good at picking up flirting queues so he just likes someone and hopes they will notice him back and his idea of a date is just eating palak tofu and showing memes to each other ig. 

oh hes a vegetarian. has been since he was ten years old which was around the time he first watched babe, yk the pig movie??? yeah, so that was his whole ‘im vegetarian’ realization moment. 1995 was the year of realizing things

when he’s very distressed he likes to lock himself into a room and listen to toto. if he was to get married he would probably walk the aisle to africa by toto

ocasionally not an idiot but most times definitely an idiot

nourishes a very deep and all encompassing love of twilight zone

he’s just a mess please just???? get him outta my sight i hate him

here’s his pinterest board

and thats it ig??? im sure we can work out lotsa plots for this guy n ur guys cause he’s v sweet and approachable and just all around a cool dude who will eventually make dumb mistakes on the account that he’s an idiot. but yeah. if you’d like to contact me off tumblér, you can find me @ kurtistown resident#2978 on disc*rd. if youd like to plot w this sad excuse of a human pls hmu or drop a swift like on this n i shall bother u thru ims