#im scared of losing my friends or making them upset

[therewithinthestars]

my brain feels fucking fried idont understand whats wrong anymore i dont know what to do

[girlivealwaysbean]

bestie is coming home on 1st im having thoughts

[heyitslapis]

its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on

Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit

[erwinsvow]

little sad bitchy!reader moment: her and rafe are at the country club with topper and kelce and some other friends of rafe and one of the guys starts saying how she would be a horrible wife and mother (bc of the way she is) and she honestly is so hurt by it and i think she would almost try to change the way she is around rafe a little just so he wouldn’t think that about her…

sobbing thinking about it and listening to this (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLX2Pdcv/)

hi my love this was so amazing and wonderful to write! im sorry its kinda long, hope you like it ♡

in all honestly, you stopped caring what people said about you a long time ago. you weren't the way you were because it was funny, or to get a reaction out of others. that was just the way you've always been, and there was nothing you hated more than letting people walk all over you and get away it.

that must be why the comebacks would fly out of your mouth before you could stop them, if you even wanted to stop them. why you never stopped to think twice about the people who didn't want to talk to you again or the boys who didn't want a second date.

you weren't easy to handle, not that you wanted to be, but you knew you weren't.

it seemed easy enough for rafe though.

he never seemed to wish that you'd bite your tongue or tell you to act differently, behave a certain way. no, he'd laugh and fire back something, or agree with you and say something you remember to add to your collection of insults.

rafe liked you as you were. that's why he fought so long and hard to get you, something that you didn't take lightly. you were committed, and the more days that went by, you found yourself softening up more and more with him.

rafe knew a side of you that a select few had ever seen, much less engaged with. you liked it this way, having a boyfriend you could be yourself around and be a little soft around.

until you overhear a boy at the club talking about you. in all your years of life, you've never let a boy make you feel upset, and you didn't want to start now. a comeback brews the second he mentions your name—of course it's the idiot one, the one whose parents pay for his grades and doesn't know anything besides losing at pong and scaring away girls—but it dies in your throat when you hear the words that follow.

"i mean i get it, she's hot, but i don't know how cameron puts up with her."

"what're you talking about? she's just like him," kelce says, and you feel briefly grateful for him.

"dude, she's a bitch. i've never heard one nice thing come out of her mouth. totally untamed. you can't bring a girl like that home to your folks, they'd hate her. especially his folks. and don't even mention long-term. imagine coming home after working all day and your girl is bitching at you? i mean, no offense but what kind of kids is she gonna raise?"

you hear laughter, and when your face feels wet, and you're confused for a moment. you look up at the ceiling, wondering if there's a leak, when your eyes flood again and more tears fall down.

crying, and that too over what one of rafe's friends said about you. this isn't like you. frankly, it's pathetic. those idiotic boys don't know the first thing about you or your relationship with rafe—they don't know the conversations you have and all the things you both agree on and the way he laughs when you fire back at him.

but somehow, feet leading you outside and to your car, fingers texting rafe some excuse for why you went home early, you end up letting it affect you.

rafe comes over the next morning—he texted you something but you didn't reply. worried for a moment about something you've never been concerned with before, you think a nicer girl would have texted him back right away, that you should have texted him back.

he doesn't knock, never does. your parents aren't home but he has your spare key, letting himself in and up to your room. he stops at the doorway, leaning against the frame.

"hey. what happened last night?" he asks it like he doesn't know what happened—which is good, you want it to stay that way. the thing you would have said yesterday bubbles up, coming to your lips. maybe if you'd gotten your head out of your ass, you'd see my text.

"wasn't feeling good. came home."

"you feelin' okay now?" he gets closer to you, and you look up at your boyfriend. i'd be fine but that asshole you already hate ruined my mood. will you run him over in your truck?

"better." you stop for a moment, you don't want him to think something's wrong. "how was your night?" he looks at you a little confused.

"it was fine. borin' without you. kelce asked where you went too."

"y'know i always liked kelce," you say, smiling again. you think you can get better at this.

rafe takes you out for lunch, and then you wanted to go shopping in the afternoon and get your nails done. it's a whole day, and you like spending it with him. you swallow down what your mind usually thinks and opt for being nice instead, polite questions and trepid commentary.

the waiter brings you the wrong drink—and though you're not so much of a bitch to hurl insults at teenager servers, you're normally annoyed enough to say something and get your correct drink. instead you sip it quietly, waiting for rafe to start the conversation. when you don't, he looks at you in that confused way again.

"you okay?"

"yeah. fine. you okay?"

if he thinks something's wrong, he doesn't say anything. at the mall, nothing looks how you want and even the things you like don't feel right. you'd let rafe buy you whatever you want, normally giving him a twirl in the dressing room and thanking him very sweetly.

"you want that dress?" rafe asks, his arm resting on a rack while you comb through mindlessly.

"no, it was too short."

"that's never been an issue before." ha-ha. pervert. looking up my skirt aren't you? knew you were desperately horny for me but this is down bad even for you.

"trying to dress better. and it'll be cold soon."

"hey, look at me." rafe uses his hands on your shoulders to turn you from the clothes, facing him. "you okay baby?"

fuck, you know you messed up. he only calls you that when he's being serious—the rest of the time it's princess, angel, sweetheart. all things that you are definitely not.

"i'm okay. i just don't want it. but thank you." you don't know it, but he thinks you're upset with him, spending the next hour in the nail salon racking his mind for the reason why.

your nails are fine, they look pretty enough. shorter than normal with a clean french manicure, you admire them from a distance. you suddenly feel like crying again, wondering why you didn't get the pink acrylics you like, rhinestones and bows and all the other things that were pretty to look at when you flipped people off.

in rafe's passenger seat after, you keep staring at your hands, feeling another tear slip down. rafe's not looking at you, he's looking ahead, still unsure what was going on.

"baby, if i did something you gotta tell me, i don't like seein' you like this-" when he turns his head to glance at you, you're looking back at him with your pouty face and wet cheeks—two things he's never seen before. "hey. what's wrong?"

you couldn't stop the downpour if you tried—tears falling quick and fast. you hate that anyone's seeing you like this, especially rafe.

rafe is nice to you, and you soften up around him. you didn't really realize that he softens up around you too. he wipes your tears away, keeps a hand on yours the whole time.

"can you talk to me? what's goin' on?"

"yesterday.. one of those guys said that i was a bitch-"

"which one? to your face? when? i'll fuckin' kill him-"

"no, he didn't know i was there. it's not that, i know i am. i don't care about that. he said that-" your voice cracks, something else you hate, that you don't want rafe hearing. "sorry. he said you couldn't bring me home. and that you would hate coming home to me-me being all mean. and that our kids would be mean too."

yes, you're mean. but rafe's mean too, and none of your friends have ever said anything like that about him. you like that he's mean, that he's like you—you think he's the closest thing to a soulmate you could ever find.

"don't fuckin' listen to any of them for a second, got it? they don't know anything."

"rafe, i-"

"no, seriously. they yap because i wasn't there to knock him out. and he says it when you're gone 'cause he knows you'd make him cry if you were there." you sniffle, though you already feel better.

"but i didn't. i started crying instead." you hate even thinking about it.

"s'okay, it happens. but don't believe a word of that shit. i wanna come home to you everyday. hear everything you say. i want all of it."

"really?" you ask him, wiping away your tears, appreciating the hand on your thigh and how sincerely he's looking at you. "i thought you'd be mean if i cried in front of you."

"it's hard enough to be mean to you."

"you're such a sap. should we go get ice cream and braid each others hair after this?" he laughs, and you laugh. "thanks rafey."

"no problem, kid."

"don't call me that." rafe groans, and you smile.

[itstivan]

If I see someone mischaracterize the sbg kids on tumblr ONE MORE TIME. I’ll end it….

NO. AIDEN ISNT PSYCHOTIC AND INSANE. HES NOT IN AN INSANE ASYLYM. ITS HIS COPING MECHANISM.

TYLER ISNT A HORRIBLE, BITCHY, RUDE PERSON. HE’S PROTECTIVE OVER HIMSELF AND TAYLOR BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. ITS WHY HE DOESNT OPEN UP FOR SO LONG. OBVIOUSLY IT DOESNT GIVE HIM AN EXCUSE TO BE MEAN SOMETIMES, BUT HE’S NOT GOING TO BE A DICK TO YOU FOR EXISTING!!!!

TAYLOR IS NOT A DUMB BIMBO. SHE HAS FEELINGS. SHE CAN BREAK DOWN. SHES SMART. SHES LITERALLY INTERESTED IN ROBOTICS??!?!? HOW CAN SHE BE DUMB AND DITSY?!?!? SHES NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE IN A SILLY, GOOFY MOOD. AND I SAW PEOPLE GET THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT HER KINDNESS WAS “JUST AN ACT.” WHICH IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN SHOWN BEING KIND MULTIPLE TIMES, EVEN IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS.

ASHLYN IS NOT A FUCKING BITCH. SHE HAS NOT GROWJ UP AROUND FRIENDS. SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO INTERACT WITH FRIENDS. JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS BREAKDOWNS AND YELLS AT HER FRIENDS SOMETIMES OR GETS ANNOYED/UPSET WITH THEM DOESNT MAKE HER A BITCH!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. PEOPLE KEEP SAYING SHE DISHES STUFF OUT BUT CANT RECEIVE IT. AND THEY SAY SHES MEAN TO EVERYONE BUT SENSITIVE. RED HAS LITERALLY SAID THAT ASHLYN IS AUTISTIC AND HAS TROUBLE WITH HER EMOTIONS, SHOWING THEM, EXPRESSING THEM, AND RECEIVING THEM. OBVIOUSLY IT DOESNT EXCUSE IT, BUT AGAIN. IT EXPLAINS IT!!!

(coming from an autistic person^^^^)

AND LOGAN ISNT A CRYBABY!!!! HE PROBABLY HAS HAD THE MOST NORMAL REACTION TO BEING STUCK IN A FUCKING ALTERNATE DIMENSION WITH MONSTERS!!! OBVIOUSLY HES SCARED AND GOING TO CRY. PEOPLE BASH ON HIM JUST FOR BEING INSECURE, A CRYBABY, AND ANNOYING. BUT LOOK ME IN THE FACE AND TELL ME WHAT 14 YEAR OLD BOY ISNT ANNOYING IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM??? EVERY SINGLE 14 YEAR OLD BOY IVE MET AND IS ACCURATELY PORTRAYED IN MEDIA IS AT LEAST A TEENSY BIT ANNOYING. AND OBVIOUSLY LOGAN IS GOING TO BE INSECURE ABOUT HIS STUFF HE WAS BULLIED OR IT COULD JUST BE HIM BEING INSECURE BC HES 14!!!!

Thankfully no one really mischaracterizes ben!!! And if people did I would lose it even more!!! 😇😇😇

would say more but yall are prob sick of me bc of this rant but wtv had to get it off my chest 😇😇😇🎀🎀🎀

if i see one person say im overreacting i will go insane

[prettypinklass]

Persona 3 and Persona 4 are funny to sort timelines for because there is a one(1) year gap between the games. Now if you push p4 back by one year and put Minato in Inaba-

Im putting a cut here because spoilers for both games

Nyx gets chased off and not even a year later Izanami goes "its free real estate" lol

So Minato lives for unspecified reasons and (reluctantly) moves back to Inaba after the events of P3. He takes Koromaru with him (you can pry them as a duo from my cold dead hands) and attends Yasogami for his final year of high school. Which sucks because a. all his friends are at Gekkoukan and b. Yasogami is a terrible school and Inaba is a small town. He's losing his mind out here gang

Anyway then the midnight channel shows up and it hasn't even been a year since the dark hour vanished so you can imagine how upset he is about this. But he's way too nice so of course when he finds out a group of underclassmen have taken it upon themselves to fight shadows and solve the murder case he and Koromaru end up involved.

Dynamics with the investigation team include:

Yu Narukami - consistently on the same bullshit wavelength and nobody knows how (its the Wild Card Wavelength)

Yosuke Hanamura - punches him at least once for the internalized homophobia but they bond over music

Teddie - he reminds him of Aigis a bit. Trying to teach him to be Better then what he learns from Yosuke

Chie Satonaka - she reminds him of Yukari and its terrifying

Yukiko Amagi - you never fuck with the healers (also a bit scared of her)

Kanji Tatsumi - thinks hes cool. likes his dolls. would also like him to leave Koromaru alone

Rise Kujikawa - MUSIC BUDDIES!! Rise makes fun of him but she gets away with it (he is nothing if not respectful of the navigators who can make or break a fight)

Naoto Shirogane - siblings. arisato/shirogane family au my beloved

Entertaining scenarios include

"Why does your dog have a knife" "He likes them" "arf!"

"What do you mean I dont need to shoot myself in here"

Minato participating in the drag pageant

Elizabeth and Margaret sharing a velvet room for an extended period of time

Mitsuru in the background getting gray hairs because "minato what the fuck do you mean theres shadows in inaba"

Social link to explore Minato's character more

The exchange with Gekkoukan is 10x more entertaining if Minato is there to both comment on the love hotel he almost died in once and be friends with half the students at Gekkoukan

Anyway thats my au proposal

[kat-of-seventy-seven-roses]

Homestuck Mythical Creature au / Cryptid Au

Very tempted to make an ask blop :p need to see if anyones inch rested

thought processes under the cut (bc some choices are wild)

Johns a pooka, an irish fae trickster who shapeshifts into animals. his favorite form is the bunny. john and jane are both fae, so their pranks range from harmless to mentally scaring to life altering. absolute chaos grimlins. dirk is also an irish myth, so he knows them well and is often trying to get them to not ruin the local population of humans. so they do pranks on him insted. john loves to steal dirks head and hide it places.

rose speaks to the eldritch horrors and is slowly becoming one herself. she wants to become a litch.

Dave is a harpy! a very chill one who doesn't tend to sing with his full chest, so people dont start crashing into his doorstep. dave dies in some magic accident that caused davesprite to rise up from the ashes. but dave harpy is ALSO fine no ones really sure how. may have been roses doing.

Jade is a werewolf obv. but shes also a witch and has formed a coven with rose and roxy.

Jane is ur avrage fae faerie/sprite. her favorite fae rule to get people to break is "dont eat their food."

Roxy is both a cat who is also a wizard i need not elaborate

Dirk is a headless horseman. not to be confused with THE headless horse man. thats another dullhan with a well paying halloween gig. dirk is often subject to losing his head, so he made a magic pumpkin to pilot the body when this happens. he does have a very large and scary but beautiful horse.

Jake is the bigfoot. and one of the most well hunted (and well travled) cryptids. thus, his friends often make jokes of not ever seeing him except in blurry images. its not his fault hes very large and loves to travel! and is also not very photogenic...

Aradia is a monthra!!! however she made a deal with a devil and became a ghost... not sure WHY yet or why it kills her. but it does. its all in her plan or smth, but that doesnt stop sollux from being very upset that hes the one that has to take and keep her soul. she is reserected later by the coven, still soulless but it doesnt matter bc her soul is in good hands and thus she still feels it. shes much happier now.

Tavros is a minotar self explanatory he is a small minotar, tho. a mini minotar if u will.

Sollux is ur run of the mill soul for potato chip demon. an excuse to give him twin tails and horns. him an kitkat gave me the most trouble! but then i went with a solkat devil angel motifi and im kinda attached t9 it now. even if its sorta a cop out. i simply couldnt find twin creatures that werent gods or children of gods. nor any crab creatures...

Karkat is an angel. he WAS human notably he was human for awhile even good friends with kanaya before he died. he never found love but helped so many with theres that he became an angel that was a lot like cupid. thus he was a small angel incharge of match making and also likened to a baby and hes very much NOT happy about this. it pisses him off, solluxs often gives him a hard time. about it. (extra angst is that kitkats also really fucked up about never knowing what love felt like but having to give it to others. and he has it in his head that that means he never will know, bc no ones matchmaking the matchmaker. but theres a song he hears everyonece anwhile by a stray harpy that makes him feel a lot lighter.)

Nepeta is my go to cat creature a nekomata. a two tailed cat yokai.

Kanaya is a vampire. obviously.

Terezi is a dragon! still blind! still licks. but can now transform and has wings, very scary. shes basiclly just her lusus lmao.

Vriska is a spider lady. i have arachne here bc its similar, but shes not arachne the myth proper. shes just a spider with the top part of a woman at the head. A Jorogumo a spider lady yokai and is basically actually what im picturing.

Equius is a centar and fuck if i ever have to draw him....

Gamzee is a clowwwn, just a clown, just a silly lil guy. What do you MEAN clowns arnt mythical creatures??? what do u mean u saw him under ur bed when you were a child? u must be mistaken. as a nod to ICPs boogieman. when gamzee is not high as a kite and is just a clown, he is one of the most terrifying and unkillable creatures known to children kind.

Eridan is a selkie. basiclly a mermaid but part seal. personally, I'd like to make him part seahorse. but not in the hippocampus way. i chose this bc he can shapeshift, thus he pretends to be a high elf sorcerer, yes he does get dunked on about this.

And finally, Feferi is a siren! who happens to be able to become very VERY **VERY** BIG. she doesnt lure people to drown them but she DOES love to keep live captives in cages :)

[anzynai]

Day 4 - Hide and Seek

Ortho & Reader (TWST)

a/n: hi yall day 4 is out. this was fun to write! i dont think i made it as “scary” as i wanted it to be, but i dont think its bad. ANYWAY, i picked reader because the obvious choice would be idia, but im already writing for him two other times this month so i wanted someone else, which means… u. LOL. also, things i want to mention: idia is mentioned A LOT here and thats because ortho cares about him a lot. ik hes not just like, all about idia and thats all hes there for, but i think him mentioning idia a lot just works best in this scenario. another is that this is meant to be platonic because ortho is a like,,, kinda like young asf so i dont really think he should be shipped with people. sorry this note is SO FREAKING LONG. so ill stop yapping now gn everyone

——

“come out, come out, wherever you are!” ortho exclaimed in a gleeful tone, but somehow his words set your nerves aflame.

you crouched behind the tree, waiting for him to pass, and half-debating your life choices. you hadn’t played hide and seek in ages, but you felt nervous at being caught, especially when ortho said that there should be a penalty for whoever loses.

you didn’t really know what that penalty entailed, but since it was ortho, you figured why not? but now, hiding and seeing him search for you made you think you should’ve asked.

but really, who knew ortho would want there to be a penalty for the loser! it was to make things for fun, he had said.

he called your name, and you pursed your lips together, not daring to even breathe. ortho had a lot of functions that humans couldn’t do, and maybe superhearing was one of them… you really didn’t know so you would rather not take your chances.

you peeked out from behind the tree, sighing in relief when you didn’t see him anymore. does that mean you won?

“found you!” a shrill voice called from behind you.

“GAH!” you cried, scared of your wits as you lose your balance and fall forward on the ground. after a second to process, you turned slowly, looking at ortho. “aw, you found me.”

“mhm! and with three minutes to spare, which means i win!” ortho added, looking like he was having the time of his life. you smiled at that, but still…

“guess you do. so what’s my penalty?” you asked, hoping it wasn’t too extreme, like trying to convince idia to hang out with you for the whole day. you swear, it was impossible to have him talk to you for anything longer than an hour, even if it was about his interests.

“i’m gonna tickle you!”

your eyes widened at that, completely flabbergasted. of all things in the world, that was the last thing you expected.

“….tickle?!” you squeaked, awkwardly. did you hear wrong?

“yep! i think it’ll be fun!” ortho replied, not commenting on the nervousness and embarrassment you were feeling.

“fun?” you asked, but you guessed you could see where he was coming from.

“unless you don’t want to..” ortho said, pretending to be upset. you inwardly groan, he can really be so unfair sometimes, because how could you say no when he was looking so upset.

“fine, yes, i accept my penalty!” you cried, unable to take the guilt. you did feel much better though, when he began beaming.

“you will! yay!” he exclaimed, flying towards you. “maybe if i tell my brother about your tickle spots, you guys will be friends!”

“w-wait, huHUHUH?!” you cried, feeling his cold fingers begin to squeeze and knead at your torso. tell.. idia?! is this him trying to get information so you and idia could be friends?! in a way, it was sort of heartwarming to see him care for idia so much, but at the cost of your dignity? brutal. “stahahap, dohohont tehehell him!”

“why not? he’s ticklish too! you guys can have tickle fights!” ortho explained, and you can hardly believe how… open he is about exposing idia like that. and besides that, huh??

“nohohoho gahahahaha i’m tihihicklish!” you laughed, when he began to travel towards other spots.

“yes, you are reacting quite a lot when i tickle you!” ortho giggled, almost teasingly and clearly amused.

“plehehehehease!”

as he continued tickling you, he would note down spots that were more effective and spots that weren’t. the worst part was that he was saying this out loud. talk about embarrassing….

“you’re so ticklish here!” he teased, and it felt like you got even more ticklish. how was ortho so good at tickling anyway? probably from idia? he did say idia was ticklish…

a part of you realized you weren’t completely opposed to having a tickle fight with idia sometime. you didn’t have a lot of time to think about it before ortho because to tickle the spot that had always driven you crazy.

“W-WAHAHAIT! nohoho mohohohore! mehehercy!” you shouted, feeling overwhelmed very quickly and almost as quickly as you shouted it, ortho had stopped.

“that was fun, huh?” ortho smiled into his hand, as you tried to catch your breath.

“it wasn’t terrible,” you admitted. “a suitable penalty, i guess.”

“hehe, i hope we can play again sometime!” ortho said, and you could tell that you guys most definitely would. and not only that, but something told u that idia would be joining next time, whether he wanted to or not. you chuckled a bit at the thought.

“yeah, i hope so too,” you replied.

[dsaf-confessions]

important announcement

okay so modred here!!! and i am about to share my total, unbiased, unfiltered and honest thoughts.

i am leaving the blog

yes yes i know i try to act unbothered by everything but its scary how everything changed so fast! did you know i was actually considering sharing my main on here because i thought this place was so chill? safe to say im glad i did not do that.

i've tried to win the idgaf war but the truth is its killing me. im fighting in the idgaf war and im losing. it feels like its been months since it started, but its not even been three weeks. just over two, im pretty sure. its not even been three weeks since i've turned 15 years old!

two days after my 15th birthday this started!! what unfortunate timing. and honestly, ive got exams in less than a month, and i've been so stressed about everything. not just exams, not just internet drama, but like a secret third thing too.

its super scary to admit im being stressed out by all of this considering that there are people whove taken pride in upsetting me and for what crime? they're old posts. i was 14 when i posted them. id apologised. id listened to advice. i'd improved. but all because one day someone decided they didn't like the blog, this entire account collapsed and so did my mental health with it it seemed.

i dont like being honest. i just like to laugh about everything. i know certain people are going to be laughing and proud that they've made me leave this blog while reading this post, and while thats the reason ive been scared to leave this whole time, they're going to do that anyway. they're going to keep hating me. so the least i could do is try to put myself first rather than try to push through it using spite as my motivator.

i know there will likely be people bragging on their accounts that they've made me leave (im aware of what people are saying). and that upsets me. i wont lie. but at the end of the day, if you find yourself being proud of making a newly turned 15 year old leave an account that they once found comfort in, then thats more of a judge of character about you than me.

its scary how people can decide that they don't like you one day and make a post ruining everything, and its scary how people can act comforting to your face and then go ahead and brag about how upset they've made you to someone else, but in the end i cannot control what people say and at the end of the day i can only control what i do and who i surround myself with and thats why im leaving.

im not leaving the discord, or the dsaf fandom at all, but i am getting far away from this blog and blocking everyone who hates me because thats all i can do. all i can request is that if you know who i am, keep it secret. and if you somehow find me, please dont try to talk to me.

i think i'll just talk with my friends and post my silly little art and things without becoming a known name. its the only way to exist in fandom i think.

but wait! this blog wont die!

you see, as you were reading this post with tears in your eyes, i had secretly been assigning not just one, but two new admins for the blog! i trust them to keep it running, but also if you guys treat them terribly i give them full permission to delete this entire account. they need to put themselves first too.

so, my last words to the dsaf confessions blog?

change da world. my final message. goodbye. /ref

uhh just kidding!! final message is: if you dont like this blog, block it. if you dont like me, then we'll leave this here and forget this drama ever happened. dont try to make my past mistakes these guys problems. as soon as i hit post im leaving this blog, so any hate you try to send towards me will not go through to me. you wont even be screaming into the void either, just at some innocent people.

thats all i have to say. ily all!!! /p

-modred

[josecariohca]

personal ramble bc its too long to fit in the tags el oh el ignore pls <3

i can physically feel myself starting to hit a wall the longer i go without a break but like. idk im trying very hard to balance being excited about moving and going to a city i love and adore with my whole heart while also knowing i have so much to do to the point where i havent spoken to any of my friends in. literal months.

im packing and working on college apps and checking in on my grandparents and taking care of my aunts dog who needs physical therapy and making sure the house is kept up and making sure my paperwork is all updated and trying to figure out what to do with my stuff and trying to get last minute doctors appts done, and while i understand that all this stuff is necessary and wont take very long at the end of the day, i also miss my friends so much.

i miss being able to wake up and not have a laundry list of things i need to do. i miss sitting down and writing for fun, and while i have some stuff i want to post its not the same as actively engaging in things. with your friends. i miss downtime. i miss not feeling like i have a countdown clock over my head. i miss talking to people and not feeling like im wasting the very limited amount of time i have.

and like YES i know im so fucking lucky that i can even consider going to grad school in another country and im so lucky to have someplace to move to besides where i am. i knooooow that and i dont take it for granted, but im also so unbelievably tired. im dead on my feet and have been for months. im worried about my grandmother who isnt taking her medication, my grandfather who i can tell is using his denial and fear over the situation to resort to frustration and anger. im worried about my mother being left to live with my aunt while i go. im worried about how hard she works and how poorly she treats herself.

both my parents have told me it will likely be both my grandmothers' last christmas. i havent seen my dads mom in 3 years, and i likely wont even be able to say goodbye to her bc i know my moms mom will need me to stay with her. im staring down the next year with a high likelihood im losing both of them and that fucking terrifies me. im scared that if i get into a school and leave, i will literally never see them again. my grandfather included.

idk im trying not to let myself feel guilty over things ive missed and messages i havent been able to reply to bc i literally dont have the mental capacity to handle that on top of everything im already balancing and all the grief im experiencing while watching my grandmother degrade in real time. i know people miss me and i know people are upset that ive essentially disappeared, but i just dont have the time in the day to do it all and i hate it i hate feeling like ive let people down i hate feeling like i have people waiting on me, my own family included. i hate knowing i cant respond to everyone and i have no other excuses to give besides im just so busy and i cant.

i can only hope that once i leave this place, all the stress of moving will lessen and i can catch my breath a little before getting a job and getting thrown back into the countdown clock again. idk. idk!!!!! it would be nice if i could actually say any of this to my family, but i cant. i know i cant, and they wouldnt get it anyway, which is fine, they have their own issues and stresses and i dont really like disclosing personal stuff to them anyway bc it always bites me in the ass later. but i wish.

idk. i miss my friends. im trying not to feel guilty, but its not working out too well. im moving next week, so i may go quiet for a bit while i try and figure out how i can afford a storage locker so my aunt doesnt throw out everything i own.

hopefully i can catch a break and find some time to do things i actually enjoy, but we'll see.

miss you guys. wish me luck. ♥️

[binzlovenicetingz]

Idk if your taking requests for will or Luca but can you do one where the reader is saving themselves for marriage but is scared which will/Luca would leave them. Im sorry I’m feeling angst, fluffy. Not having a good day😭

hi hi yes i am taking requests imma a little slow with replies due to work but i will try my best and I’m sorry you weren’t having a good day. feel free to message anytime 🤎

I’ll give this one to Luca. You were honestly so scared to tell him that you were saving yourself for marriage because 1) that was still considered old-fashioned by some of your friends and 2) you didn’t want to lose him. the thought of your relationship with ending because you didn’t “put out” was always in the back of your mind every time a kiss getting too heated and you’d feel his need growing before you pulled away. If he was upset about it then he never showed it or was really good at hiding it

you shared this with some friends who shared story after story of their partner leaving or cheating because there was no sex. there advise only sent you spiraling further because what if Luca gets bored of waiting? he was a hot chef with tattoos and beefy arms, there wouldn’t be any issues with him finding someone who would be willing to give up all of themselves to him, you just weren’t one of them.

you thought that you were keeping it all together but Luca noticed a change in you for a while now. Opting to watch and listen until he started to ask what was wrong but you would push it off quickly, a small smile on your pretty lips wasn’t fooling him but you wouldn’t talk him and he could force you too

until one nice, his first night off in awhile and he just wanted to spend it laying in bed cuddled up with you. instead you were scrolling through your instagram, showing him every post that had a woman in a bikini or some tight athletic shorts, asking him if he thought this one was pretty or that one. he entertained you the first time but now Luca couldn’t stand seeing another influencers edit tits being shown.

with a tired sigh, Luca sits up, eyeing you carefully while you continued scrolling “what’s this really about, love?”

“about what?” you don’t look up, scrolling and liking post after post.

“what you’re doing now” Luca reaches over, taking your phone from your hand ad your quickly protest.

“you can’t just take my stuff like that!” you huff but quickly stop when you see the remorse on his face.

“I know and I’m sorry but I need you to focus on me, angel, please.” Luca gently cups your cheek, eyes filled with admiration and worry. “just..talk to me, please.”

you were a goner. instantly you were wrapping your arms around him, tears flowing and you tried to tell him about your insecurities, the worries and thoughts that go through your head.

Luca holds your close, letting you cry out but also soothing you. he couldn’t understand what you were trying to say but you softly whispering, “please don’t leave me” crushed him. after a few minutes, you felt yourself calming down while Luca gently rubbings small circles on your back.

“I’m not sure where this is coming from but I’m not leaving you.” he says gentle yet firm in his words, he makes sure your focus on him, “all those other people you showed me, there’s nothing compared to you, okay?”

you nod slowly before he places a kiss on top of your head. a sign leaving your lips, it was now or never, “I..um..Im-Im a virgin and I plan on keeping it that way until I’m married.”

Luca was slightly taken aback by your sudden confession and he must of looked surprised because you were quick to continue, word vomit claiming you as it’s next victim.

“I-I know it’s probably weird that I’m not putting out or whatever but this means a lot too me and I want to know that I’m g-giving myself to someone who truly loves me. so if you wanted break up or something then just do it now because I heard that if I don’t sleep with you soon, you’re going to find someone who will give it up easily to because that’s just something that’s gonna happen and-“

“whoa, who told you that crap?”

you shrug like a child caught but you still shared the name of some friends who told you those cheating stories. you can tell Luca was annoyed by that but he was quick to reassure you he’s not the type and that you might need to rethink some friendships if they aren’t being supportive of you.”

“I meant what I said, y/n. I’m not going anywhere”

for the first time in a while, Luca was able to see your perfect smile.

Satisfied that you were able to talk to him about your problems and work through them together.

[colectingstrz]

AND THERE WERE TWO

➤ (🧟‍♀️) GENRE: Fluff | PARING: semi strangers to lovers | Heeseung x fem reader | WC: 1.2k | SUMMARY: Something that was only showcased in the show and movies was now your dark and unpleasant reality yet unexpectedly you found yourself feeling something else other than fear

SOO’s SMOL NOTEY📝:

𖤐 I started rewatching all of us are dead and had this idea this vishion- my mind immediately went to heeseung plus like he gives such Lee su hyeok like vibes low-keyyyy anddd I swear it’s been like more than a year where’s season 2 at 😔

IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD YOU that today zombies would be a thing you would have laughed in their faces and told them they are crazy... We’ll look who’s the crazy one now?

Things were going well, you had faith that you and your four friends, and three others would make it through. However, as it grew darker and began to rain, you started to lose your friends and classmates one by one, until you were the only one left with Heeseung. Now, the two of you are resting against the radio room's corner.

“Heeseung..” you sighed and shook your head, "I'm scared what if we go out again and we die this time.. I don't want to die " he inched closer and put his arm around you causing your bodes to mold into eacother "Don't think like that.. we won't die we are going to make it out here alive have hope," he said.

“ There is no hope both our friends' are gone.. it’s only a matter of time until we die to” You were afraid; you didn't want to starve to death, much less pass away and become a brainless zombie for the rest of your days. It was difficult to maintain your composure you were terrified of the future. You couldn't understand how Heeseung wasn't panicking right then. The more you sat there, the more uncomfortable you felt.

Heeseung approaches unexpectedly closer as he holds your face in his hands; the coldness of his fingers made you shiver because as it was an abnormal temperature, but all you could think about at the time was how close your faces were to one another. “Hey, I'll make sure nothing bad happens to you. ” He assured “I will protect you until the very end, so you don’t have to worry”

You couldn't help but look elsewhere because of how uneasy his gaze made you feel. You felt a little tingle in your stomach, but you weren't sure if it was fear from the situation you were in or something else…

You pull away awkwardly “ okay..if I die because you didn’t protect me like you said..you will be the first person I bite ” heeseung laughs slightly the sight making you smile also. Heeseung suddenly stands up "I have an idea, hold on a second." He walks to the other side of the room and reaches into a drawer, pulling out a red, thick rope. "Are you going to tie me up or something..why are you waving a rope at me," Heeseung giggles.

“ you wish.. but I actually wanted to tie us together” you roll your eyes “im not into that kind of stuff..” you spoke lowly to which heeseung smirks approaching you as he knelt down to your level "I didn't mean it like that… How naughty of you" harshly you hit him on the chest “Shut up!" He laughs once more, "If we tie our hands together with this rope, it will make sure you don't get dragged by a zombie again, allowing you to stay by my side and feel less afraid” You nodded, struggling to conceal the flush on your cheeks.

You felt a warm, fuzzy feeling inside at the fact that he did this just for you and your protection. You questioned whether he was merely being polite or if there was more going on. After finally completing the knot, Heeseung squeezed it "Is it too tight? Should I make it looser? ” You chuckle, "It's fine” He nods and then sits down once more, leaning his head against the wall. "I can handle it. The tighter it is, the less likely I am to slip away," he laughs lightly.

“You know i always thought you were some douchebag” he gasps dramatically while placing his hands on his chest. "I'm upset you would think such a thing of me, y/n.," you laugh “ I just assumed that everyone on the basketball team was self-centered, but you're different” he sighs “at least, your perceptions of me has changed, although mine of you has remained the same," he smiles. You turn to face him.

“ what do you mean? I was so sure you didn’t know who I was until this zombie thing happened” He advanced to closer to you “I always knew who you were..kind and caring who always tries her best beautiful and smart and who's really good at science ” A bashful smile now graced his features, as well as a tint of crimson on his ears.

your heart was running laps after hearing is words it made you happy. However, in such a short period of time, you found yourself feeling a way around him, as he constantly asked how you were doing and risking his life and just being so caring towards you. At times, you found it yourself feeling nervous when he would look at you. Just like now

But this only served to affirm that the feelings was at least somewhat mutual, and it simultaneously made you sad since you were worried that Heeseung might die while defending you. Leaving you to be on your own; for fear of the worst scenario, you didn't want to grow attached to him.

“Heeseung..i- “ it’s fine we don’t have to talk about it right now let’s just focus on finding some food yeah?” You nod, and he stands up and extends his hand to you to assist you in getting up. You loved the feeling of his hands on yours you didn’t want to let go “can I..keep holding your hand” He nods "Of course I wasn't planning on letting go, your keeping me warm," he smiles as you grinned back. The sensation of his chilly hands on yours made your heart race.

“You ready?” He pauses for a moment before speaking “I am but I need a boost” you raise a brow “a boost? What do you mean?” He smirks “ a good luck kiss ” you laugh as you hit his shoulder “ I think that’s a bit to early we haven’t even gone on a date yet..” he turns to you as his eyes shinned in anticipation “ so your saying.. you want to go on a date with me ” you smile as you place a small peck on his cheek “yes if we mange to make it out of here I want to go on many dates with you heeseung.”

As your wrists are still bound, you nearly drag him behind you as you turn around and walk forward. Unaware that he was blushing excessively, Heeseung was relieved that you had looked away from him so that you couldn't notice his transformation into a tomato or the darkening of his eyes.

Little did you know heeseung had been bit yet somehow hadn’t turned.. Despite having the temptation to bite you strongly in his mind, Heeseung was trying everything in his ability to resist, even if it meant starving himself in the process

@COPYRIGHTS SOOTREEPEAR 2023

- steal my work and ill come to your house and suck your blood 🧛‍♀️

𖤐 I had the most angsty ending but decided to change my mind last minute 😭 so here is the happy version!!

- peace and love ♡︎

𖤐link to my other works

[hauntedwizardmoment]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

PLEASE I LOVE ALL YOUR WORK SO MUCH ANYTHING YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT

HI i'm sorry this took forever but i needed to figure out what i wanted to talk about and i think im gonna expand on peregrine and jace's + porter and ghorza's whole deal in it's a three-way call and he knows nothing

my initial concept for this fic was just straight-up the one day where we did a ton of posting about starbreaker cheating on their partners with each other, and then the image of jace having an absent husband who he cheats on sprung forth fully-formed like athena from zeus' forehead.

i needed to pick somebody to be his absent husband and figure out why they were absent. i landed on an OC from blood and turpentine for his husband (peregrine is kind of my go-to Guy To Get Mad At because i made him up specifically to suck and be jace's shitty ex, so in this timeline he is jace's shitty husband). and the concept of "jace gave up an adventuring career for his relationship" because thats the kind of thing that happens a lot irl (happened to my friend who got married right out of high school actually!!) and it's smth that would definitely build a lot of resentment for my version of pre-shatterstar jace who really values his autonomy and self-determination

i also wanted to get across the feeling of "there was once a LOT of love here, but it's gone now" so i tried to figure out what were some qualities that would make jace fall in love with someone, then find ways that those qualities would evolve into something repulsive. i landed on protective and doting (he likes feeling desired! he likes feeling like someone has his back!) and turned those into patronizing and cloying (now his freedom is being restricted and he's being treated like some little purse dog).

i think something that jace really struggles with in his relationship is feeling excluded from peregrine's life; he's an adventurer, he's out on the road all the time, he's not allowed to share details of his missions with jace due to [handwavey council of chosen rules], he can't even text jace from his work phone because that's for Business Only. jace's main motivation for his affair is feeling seen and held by someone, and being part of something bigger than himself. it's why he wanted to adventure full-time after graduating, and it's why in this timeline you see him still getting set up to be part of porter's plan.

peregrine is a good fighter, he's very protective of his whole party, but he's fundamentally a very scared and insecure person. the idea of losing jace terrifies him so much that he begs him to quit his job and retire to elmville/play housewife forever. he's scared that his relationship will fall apart if he doesn't provide, so he takes any mission the council sends his way. he worries that jace will get hurt while working at aguefort so he gets him magic items (a ring and cloak of protection) and doesnt want to see him working at aguefort (he graduated from there, he knows the school's reputation). he views all of these as his noble sacrifices. and when jace doesn't show him enough appreciation for making said sacrifices, or god forbid implies that he's unsatisfied, he gets upset and throws them in his face (his job pays for the house), minimizes jace's own work (says jace 'plays around' with spell components, as if they arent part of his Literal Job as a sorcery teacher), and is generally a HUGE dick about it.

re. ghorza, she's actually a PC from a campaign i was in, played by one of my irl friends lia who has let me talk her ear off about toxic yaoi as of late. the way lia played her was as a very buff viking barbarian who is also into philosophy and poetry and has a Sensitive Side, and eventually she abandons her initial goal of conquest to help liberate the kingdom our PCs were saving. i didn't get into her and porter's relationship a ton because this fic was very jace-centric BUT i do picture her and porter as having an open relationship. she knows about jace and has been angling for a threesome, but porter correctly identified that jace would freak out at the whole "i have a wife" thing so he lies to jace about that. what she truly doesn't know about is the groundwork for porter's plan, because porter doesn't want someone equally matched with him in strength as a minion, he wants someone easier to push around, and jace fits the bill.

[fictionkinfessions]

looking at the tag for our source on this blog and seeing it’s 99% siffrins lamenting being lonely is so. yeah that’s fitting. we went through all that trouble and for what??? none of our family is here apparently! we lost them Again! because i guess we don’t blinding deserve that! it’s just siffrin and siffrin and miserable siffrin over and over again. i saw maybe one isa in the tag and my heart melted a little just knowing he’s out there at all even if i’m never going to get to talk to him or hug him or hold his sweaty hands ever again. stars

which, like, i get it.i can see why so many people have flocked to him. i’m not upset about the fact that there’s so many sifs around, i love y’all and i am holding your hands in solidarity forever and ever ok. i love talking to doubles and seeing how things went differently between us (my friend who also kins him didn’t lose the whole eyeball can you believe that. they still have the eyeball. they’re blind in it but they didn’t need to get it completely removed from the socket!!! incredible! i feel cheated out of an eyeball) and just generally getting that experience of talking to yourself even if it’ll never be to the degree that it was between me and loop. i love it. i loved that story and i still do

but it still makes my heart hurt a little knowing that there’s so many of us and so little of our family out there in comparison? i feel like understudy #73848955793. even if a blinding miracle happens and i meet ANYONE from my canon who wasn’t me (save for loop lmao) the odds that they’ll be My family member feels. like next to nothing. i feel so alone. i’m a nobody again. i’m scared. i’m a nobody in a sea of nobodies. i miss them so much. i’m never going to see my family again the universe put me through all that torture and left me broken and i didn’t even get to keep them in the end. they’re gone. forever. i’m never going to. hhrgghhh. loop i think i am understanding you more now than i ever did back then. i’m so sorry

i was already the worse siffrin when there were only the two of us in the world. me and loop. loop was so much better than me. brighter. they made it through 10x the amount of loops i did without breaking and they did it completely alone in a worse version of the house with a worse king. and they still did better than me. and still had the capacity to care about me their little copy who stole everything from them and wasn’t even grateful about it! and now it’s like. wow. i am now the worse siffrin out of a Billion other siffrins. no wonder my family was taken from me again. im truly the last of us who deserves them. i’m never going to see them again i

stars i miss them. i miss them so much. i miss you loop i miss you isa i miss you mira and bonbon and odile i miss you!!!!!!! what did i do wrong!!!!!!!! besides literally everything i’ve ever done!!!!!!

the universe leads!!!!!!! and i have no blinding choice but to follow it into this miserable half-life of a half-life. it’s. mmmmmm

i miss my family!!!

- siffrin

x

[oars]

hiii I want to know more about appindex 👉👈

what is his relationship like with the other party members?

How easily does she trust other people?

If they are stressed or upset is there a thing/place/action that is comforting to him?

also anything else you want to share?

(I LOVE her design by the way, their appearance immediately caught my attention. Love your use of color too)

sorry this took me so long i swear when i saw this ask i started squealinf abd looking like this

gonna put it under a read more since um im gonna assume this will get really long lol

disclaimer im gonna straight spill my thoughts sorry if things stop making sense

i made a small comic just for the first question but tumblr doesnt like it for some reason and it prevents it from showing up unless you go directly to my blog :<

anyways i think overall appindex is like a mother of at least 6. companions come to them in the middle of the night like "i frew up :(" that typa thing

since family/clan n loyalty is very important to dragonborn and appindex just lost theirs before being abducted they are very quick to attach to these losers

i think while appin is not under the control of any god, lord, devil, etc they've created a personal hell of his own bc he tries to bear all responsibilities and burdens of those around him bc he's scared of failing and losing too much again. or all he has left really. that can make them kind of overbearing and it would be annoying if like the main companions didn't have issues and lowkey liked the attention.

what does get annoying is that it comes off as appindex not trusting their companions to do any heavy lifting but that improves in like act 2-3 especially since that's around the part the tav is expected to save baldurs gate. and the world like that's way too much weight for appin to carry on their own without breaking so atp they don't really have a choice but to let their companions share some of that albeit verrrry reluctantly

slightly more specific relations ---

shadowheart: shart is the first appin gets close to even if shes older i like to think she's like a little sister to appindex anyways <3 i should just show screenshots of the epilogue conversation bc it feels so fitting. probably one of the only companions to recognize appin's exhaustion and nag her

karlach: close in a years long tumblr mutual type intimacy way. "i'd let my mutuals come inside idc" type relationship. they occasionally sleep and cuddle naked. as good friends do. it's nice having someone they could rely on for literal heavy lifting and hitting bc in appin's eyes the rest of his companions are made of sticks and paper, save for lae'zel. girls who rip off heads with their bare hands and paint their nails in the blood :3

astarion: i do not know how to explain their relationship early on bc it fluctuates in my head. obviously irritated by how appin stops to help anyone and everyone especially since most of those people in act 1 are parents and children. appindex definitely laughs at his lame ass "seduction" bc it's pretty see through; it becomes less about seducing and just aiming making them laugh. appin probably said "im proud of you" at some point and it got to his head now he's vying for their attention and validation (get in line). my white hollow boned elf i'd probably give my organs to if he asked - appin

i think appindex is the more mature one, mentally and emotionally, especially since dragonborn develop and mature much earlier than elves do and i feel like dying young and being under cazador's control stunted astarions own maturity a bit. the result is appindex treating him like a child sometimes; not trusting him to do a number of things, scolding him,"dont treating me like a child" "dont act like one" etc etc. i think at some point he just does it and wears on appindex's extensive patience on purpose because he's a little freak like that :/. appin does not think its cute

ok no more of them next question

i think appindex is pretty trusting in a way. if they feel like they have no reason to feel threatened by someone they'll have their trust but that doesn't mean it can't be lost ofc. which is why they trust laezel and astarion so easily. why would they be scared of a tiny white elf who can't even get them to knife point (he failed that).

he does struggle to trust others to do things for them though, if he were ever to be out of commission or on the verge of it it would be like pulling teeth to try and get him to let someone else lead temporarily.

appin holds onto a piece of kednyr's old blanket bc it still smells like her :thumbs_up: karlach gives her a teddy bear with that piece attached to it as a gift. astarion may have helped but he will not confirm

extra notes ermm appin lived in the upper city, not a patriar or a servant, they just co-run an expensive smithy there.

as a passionate blacksmith (and someone who wants to become an artificer) appin is really intrigued by karlach's engine and wishes they could collaborate with dammon on how to fix it or make her a new one entirely

to add onto that he's extremely fascinated by the grymforge in the underdark its like a theme park to him. it is their nerdiest point in the storyline

they can stay underwater for a good period of time; an hour is their highest time

andd she has a prosthetic leg around age 40-45 sorry this got so long . this things in my head 24/7 rn i tried to omit some things to make it shorter but oh well

[dansevilpianotea]

i really wanted to make a proper dan birthday post/art today but im super tired rn, so its not happening. instead im writing something personal and philosophical because im an autistic philosophy student and its all im capable of doing.

you will get up that hill

thank you @danielhowell for growing up with me, even tho its only been 5 years (almost), its been the most important 5 years of my life (so far lol).

when i skimmed through ywgttn again recently i realised how much i have changed since i first read it 2 years prior. i used to reject any kind of help despite feeling really bad because for so long my needs were ignored, i was blamed for it or i was given solutions that were toxic and dismissive of my feelings. but i kept going. addicted to the loneliness and the pain, but i knew that this wasnt all there is. i managed to move to a different country on my own at 18, i knew that there was a light at the end of my horizon. i mean, its really not like that tho. there is a sun and it rises every morning, but it also goes down in the evening. it can seem pointless, banal, some might say absurd. pushing up that rock every morning and it rolling down when the sun sets. for me, it felt like the rock was just sitting at the bottom of the hill and i didnt have enough strength to even consider moving it. but this is not all there is. we can change, and the way we change to get better is not rapid but its a slow process of not just trying, but trying again despite failing. this is not a fight that is possible to lose. you only lose it when you dont touch the rock. if it is already at the bottom, you cant get it down further than that. your only way is up. and yes, it can roll down again, but there are checkpoints. connections we make, people we love and who get to love us. risks we take and secrets we reveal that make us stronger to try again. this is your life. you can just pick it up and try. and try again. and try it even tho everyone wants you to hate every second of it and do not believe you can do it. but you can. the only mistake you can make is letting them make you believe that progress has to be fast. even if it takes you 30 years to reach this checkpoint, the more you try to go up, the stronger you will get. its not about sitting there doing nothing and its not about being upset that you cant make it fast enough. you cannot plan for the route up the hill. you learn along the way. its about trying to push the boulder when everything inside of you screams at you that change is scary and everyone outside of you either pushes you to do it in their specific way or they tell you that you cannot do it. the boulder is your life and the hill is happiness. its not yourself who you should push, but the way you need the environment to be so you can be happy. the only true rebellion is happiness. when you are forced to live inauthentically, they do not want you to be happy. even if they think they do all they really care about is you not disturbing their prejudiced view of the world, of you being controlled by them. the gods punished sisyphus. they wanted him to suffer under their authority. the only choice you have to become happier is to make it up that hill and to do it with a smile on your face. even if you are not happy, you just need to want it and to believe that you can get there from your current situation and not through a miracle from an outside force. there is no other choice.

2 years ago my counsellor said to me that i was very good at being scared of things (lol), but i do them anyways inspite of the fear. ever since i can remember i was scared of the most mundane changes, from walking on a different side of the road on my way to school to asking my friend about their dog. but i still wanted to do all those things. i was just incredibly scared of chaos and rejection. so i didnt do them. but i dont regret not doing them. because with every time that i failed i get to try it again but with even more strength. and this is how i got here. my life has changed in such a significant way since i watched your coming out video and thats because of you and this community. i had dreamed of getting out of my hometown for years and i didnt think i could. but when you said the following: "Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we've dreamed of. [...] you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side." i needed to hear that. i didnt even know i was gay back then (thanks for that too) but as someone who was bullied for years and had my self esteem wrecked, i didnt think i had enough power. in fact, i really didnt for a long time. but i kept trying and pushing the line further until eventually i could free myself from the traps i was in my whole life. thank you dan. without your community i dont know where i'd be in life but i can only imagine it'd be worse. thank you for being born and continue living defiantly and pushing that bolder up that hill that is happiness. you are an inspiration.

(also shoutout to my phanhub friends, which btw i cant believe how long we've known each other know. i love you guys <3)

happy birthday @danielhowell 🖤🏳️‍🌈