#she has made me realise so many things about love 😭

[waynes-multiverse]

Oh no! Migraine's suck. I get them all the damn time, too 🙄 Hopefully, the migraine's better now ❤️‍🩹 (and this chapter didn't make it worse lol)

Literally me reading your comments on this part 😂 You were so spot on with most of them!!! Sherlock Holmes is getting some competition lol

And yeah, Diane's really playing a sick game here and tormenting Beau to no end 😖 But I had a fun time creating her character, though. I watch way too many crime shows and really wanted that "big bad." Definitely no redemption arc for Diane, though 😅

Good ol' Poppernak. He's a loyal one!

He surely is. Such a sweetheart 🥰 There was not enough Popcorn in this story 😭 (or Donno lmao)

Thank goodness for Beau and his random facts, and that she remembered it!!

I loved weaving that in as one of Beau's rambling trivia facts lol I thought that said so much about their relationship too!

Ah, she took a screwdriver… that gives me a little more hope (probably misguided, lol) when Turner appeared in front of her in the woods.

I honestly loved writing that tense push-and-pull between her and Turner. But I'm glad she won in the end and used that screwdriver wisely 😅

Is that because he thinks they're not going to find her in time or because he's beginning to realise that he is going to lose her to Beau after all.

The latter. That whole conversation with Beau made him realize she's not only happy with him, but he can also give her everything she wants 🤍

I really enjoyed that scene in the car between Beau and Randy. Felt like an honest conversation between them where they both learned a few truths about each other's relationships with her.

Yes 💯 Really felt like they needed to have a conversation about it, although I knew getting them fully back to best friends would've been a bit of reach, so I left it rather open-ended on that part. And Beau certainly knows he has to sacrifice his friendship with Randy for the reader. But even if she still chooses no one, I don't think they could've ever fully gone back to being buddies 😅

I have to say I was surprised to hear what had happened between her and Randy.

Yep, kept that a secret till the end on purpose 😉 It was supposed to show that some things always look perfect from the outside looking in. Beau kind of idolized their relationship and marriage and thought they were "the perfect couple." That revelation definitely gave him some perspective on his own relationship with her

I have so many questions. How did she do that???? She's locked up, isn't she? Did Diane have this all planned and set a timer to send the link? Did Hal set it up before he stumbled out in front of them? Or is something else going on?!

In my head it was an automated email that was sent when the bunker door closed 😂🤷‍♀️

But otherwise, no more surprises (kinda 😅)

Thank you so much for that wonderful reblog, hun!!! 😍🤍🤍🤍

Polaris – Chapter 12

Series Summary: When Beau Arlen moved to Montana, he left behind a past he wasn’t proud of. But when a series of murders requires the FBI’s help, Sheriff Arlen‘s ghosts come back to haunt him one by one. With a wrong turn waiting at every crossroads, it’s hard to make the right choices and find his way back home – back to you.

Pairing: Beau Arlen x FBI Agent!Reader

Warnings: 18+, a heavy dose of angst, kidnapping, violence, injuries, serial killers, death, an awful cliffhanger

Word Count: 6.8k

A/N: Happy New Year, everyone! 🥳 We jump straight into 2025 with an angsty banger 👀

Series Masterlist || Main Masterlist || Tag List

Chapter 12: Through

On one of the sunniest mornings Helena had seen in recent days, the peaceful quiet of the early risers in the Sheriff’s Department was disturbed by one restless sheriff.

Beau was taking his office apart – bit by bit, nail by nail, panel by panel, brick by brick.

The search for you had gone on all night and yielded zero results. You were nowhere to be found. For all Beau knew, you could be dead by now and buried in the vast woods of Montana.

A computer mouse flung against the wall and only missed Jenny’s head by an inch as the blonde peeked inside his office. The rest of the station had selected her to talk to the big boss, his outbursts even being heard from miles away.

“You okay?” Jenny checked carefully.

“I’m tryna find that stupid camera!”

“Thought you already found that hours ago,” Jenny noted with a raised brow.

“Can’t be too careful…” the sheriff murmured, his focus landing on the pile of pens on his desk. The silver one – had that always been there? He picked it up. “Does this look normal to you?”

Jenny only offered a shrug.

“Never mind,” Beau muttered and reduced the pen down to its individual parts. Nothing. Just a plain, old pen.

“Did you get some sleep?”

“What d’you think?”

At five in the morning, Beau had promised Jenny he’d snooze for half an hour on the couch in his office. He did lie down, stared at the suspended ceiling tiles for about a minute, and then remembered the damn camera.

It wasn’t just about what he had done in there but also about he’d said. No wonder Diane had gotten so easily under his skin. She probably had heard every insecurity he had ever uttered. To you. And to imaginary Randy.

How was he supposed to sleep in a place where he felt exploited, exposed, and unsafe?

“Well, uh, I just wanted to tell you that Randy went into Interrogation Room 2 with Diane…”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah…” Jenny exhaled a deep sigh and leaned against the door frame. “He said you’d deputized him and authorized it, but I had a feeling that wasn’t true.”

Beau ran a hand across his face, rubbing his beard.

Rule #3: She’s my wife. I get to decide how we proceed.

Rule #4: You’re not the boss of me.

“Well, I did deputize him,” Beau admitted. He had given his former partner a long leash, not expecting he’d bolt through the backyard.

“Beau…” Jenny clearly didn’t approve.

“He left me no choice, alright?!”

Well, no choice his guilt could deal with.

The sheriff then left his destroyed office and thundered into Interrogation Room 2 down the hall. Randy wouldn’t get to do this alone. Beau knew there was an ulterior motive – if only Randy saved you, he could also miraculously save his marriage. Randy was a persistent motherfucker. He wouldn’t give up.

And if the roles were reversed, Beau wouldn’t either. He’d probably be even more annoyingly persistent than Randy.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Beau charged in with steam coming out of his ears. For a moment, his anger was so focused on his friend, he didn’t even notice the rising smile on Diane’s lips.

“Good morning, Sheriff Arlen.” Even if Diane’s voice sounded melodious, to Beau it was still chalk on board. “Remodeling the office, are we?”

“You mind?” Randy prompted stand-offishly, glancing up at the sheriff. “Kinda in the middle of something here.”

“Outside. Now,” was all Beau said.

Defiantly and miffed by the authoritative tone, Randy followed him to the hall.

“Play nice, boys!” Diane’s voice echoed through before the door fell into its lock.

“What d’you think you’re doing? You can’t just talk to our prime suspect without my presence!” Beau roared.

Randy rolled his eyes back. “Didn’t know I needed a babysitter…”

“This isn’t a game, Randy! We need to find Y/N before it’s too late,” Beau argued furiously. They didn’t have time for petty competitions.

“Yeah, which is why I’m talking to the only lead we have! That bitch knows where she is,” Randy countered with an equal amount of fury.

“She’s not gonna tell you!”

Randy only shrugged – cocky in nature and completely unlike him. And Beau then realized something that had changed: His friend wouldn’t back down anymore and bend. Those days were over, and it was probably Beau’s own fault.

“We’ll see,” Randy said stubbornly, his hand wandering back to the door handle. “You comin’?”

Beau inhaled and exhaled a deep breath before nodding – and back into the lion’s den they went.

Diane welcomed them with a sneer. “All made up?”

“Tell us where Turner took her,” Randy demanded with a stern expression and firm voice.

If Randy wanted to play bad cop, the role of good cop fell to Beau by default. And although they had never ever played it that way before, Beau figured Randy carried more anger than even him right now. He might as well let him make good use of it.

“Can’t.” Diane twitched her shoulders. “Hal doesn’t tell me.”

“Oh, and we’re just supposed to believe that?” Beau lifted a brow in mock. “C’mon, Diane…”

“It’s true,” she said, smiling. “Call it an insurance policy in case one of you Neanderthals decides to go rogue on me – looking at you specifically, Sheriff Arlen. If you leave your own partner to die in a filthy warehouse, I don’t wanna know what you do to your enemies.” She then looked at Randy, whispering behind her palm, “You know, I think he did it on purpose.”

Beau clicked his tongue and snorted humorlessly. “Alright, Diane, you’ve had your fun. You’ve wreaked havoc… You’ve won, okay? Fair and square. Just give up your partner, tell us where Y/N is, and end this once and for all. Might even get a better deal if you do. Think about it. Murdering an FBI agent doesn’t look good in front of a judge and jury. We have iron-clad proof you killed at least five people in Texas. Capital murder, death penalty… See where I’m going with this?”

“Oh, I’ve thought about it, Sheriff. And I’ve told you: I don’t know where she is now,” Diane reiterated with the same infuriating smile. Her gray eyes then wandered to a wall clock behind the men. “At least not yet.”

Randy and Beau both followed her gaze and stared at that same clock. Their eyes widened.

“Then when?” Randy prompted.

“Don’t worry. You’ll see her soon.” Diane smirked. “If she makes it out alive, she can tell you in person she’s choosing the rugged sheriff here over you, Detective Nichols.”

Randy’s jaw tightened, his fists clenching and unclenching under the metal table.

“I gave her a fighting chance.”

“Oh, you mean like the others?” Beau had known from the start that it would be useless talking to her.

“They all could’ve gotten out,” said Diane as if she blamed the victims for not being smarter and more durable. “‘Sides, why would I give up my favorite part? I’ve waited a while for this one. Killing her? While you two idiots watch helplessly and throw feces at each other like monkeys in a zoo? Gotta say, it’s better than killing twenty-four people combined. Ever since I met Deputy Popcorn, I’ve been actually craving a snack.” Upon Beau’s facial twitch, Diane leaned closer and whispered with a smirk, “Yeah, I know about the cute little nicknames for your deputies too, Sheriff. I wonder how many bugs you’ve found yet in your office. Sure it can’t be all of them. Maybe I’ve bugged the whole station. Who’s to say? Have you checked your trailer yet? The lovely agent’s motel room? No?”

Beau couldn’t pinpoint the exact feeling that clutched his heart and twisted it like a boa constrictor. Pain, fear, anger, sadness – a deadly cocktail for anyone. Was this throbbing sting in his chest what a heart attack felt like? Only recently, he’d read an article in the paper about a guy his age who just dropped dead. Was this it for him?

Would it mean he'd get to see you again, though?

“Enough of that!”

Randy’s voice rang in his ears, but Beau couldn’t refocus. He needed fresh air to breathe, his lungs dried up and clinging to every molecule like he’d been deprived of oxygen for days. The small room felt suddenly suffocating as the monster across from him sneered joyfully.

“Look, I don’t know if you’re saying all that horseshit ‘cause you wanna hurt him or me,” Randy said, his voice laced with a darkness Beau had never seen before.

“Little bit of both,” Diane teased with a shrug.

“Yeah, well, I don’t care either way,” Randy huffed, the deep creases in his brow casting threatening shadows on his face. “Do your worst to me or him. Hell, burn us at the stake if it makes you feel any better, sweetheart, but all I wanna know is where that bunker is. Where is she? Your beef’s clearly with us. Men, right? You know she doesn’t deserve this. Just let her go.”

Diane seemed unamused by the suggestion, leaning back in the metal chair. “You’re right. She doesn’t deserve this. I actually like her. She reminds me of me. But you two did this to her. It’s out of my hands at this point. You don’t deserve her, sheriff,” she said and looked at Beau before her cold eyes shifted to Randy. “Neither do you, detective. I know a lot of things – and not just about the sheriff here. I know what you did to her, too.”

Randy forced a tight smile. “You’re bluffing. I didn’t do anything.”

“Am I?” Diane quirked a brow and then sent him an innocent smile. “About four years ago, she wrote a rather lengthy email to her sister Sophia in Seattle. She seemed very upset. Said there was a little something you wouldn’t give her. Ring any bells?”

With a thick swallow and a glare swimming in his hazel eyes, Randy nodded. “We’re done here.”

Diane let out a long, suspenseful sigh, not bothering to engage further. Her icy heart wouldn’t melt. Her eyes flickered around the bleak, depressing room. “I miss windows. Haven’t seen the outside for days.”

“Yeah, and you ain’t gonna,” Beau huffed. He had quietly listened, his heart rate slowing down as his head started spinning with questions. You had never told him anything. He had never asked. It had been an unspoken rule to not talk about your marriage. Beau always figured knowing too much would only make it worse.

“Too bad. I always liked the autumn sunsets. When it gets dark sooner…” Diane then stretched out her neck. “Anyways, nice chatting with you boys, but it’s time for my beauty nap now. Which one of you two cowboys is gonna accompany me back to my cell, hm?”

The men shared a look and then wordlessly rose, leaving the room. In the safety of the hallway, Beau ran a hand over his face and took his first deep breath.

Air. Lungs. Brain. Without toxicity, he could finally think straight again.

“Well, this was pointless and a waste of our time. Happy now?” Beau huffed with his newfound lung capacity.

But Randy’s brow was furrowed. He was thinking. “Actually, yeah… Didn’t you hear what she said?”

“Yeah, bunch of narcissistic bullshit. She’s not gonna tell us where Y/N is,” Beau muttered bitterly. If possible, he wished to never converse with that psychotic witch again. There was only so much he could handle before snapping her neck.

“She said that she doesn’t know where Y/N is now,” Randy pointed out. “Maybe she wasn’t lying. Maybe Y/N’s not in the bunker yet. Turner might keep her somewhere else and wait till he can move her.”

“At sundown,” Beau mused, Diane’s words haunting his mind. “He’ll move her when it’s dark.”

“Which means we still have a couple hours to find her,” Randy finished the thought.

“Popcorn!” Beau yelled down the hallway. The sheriff found himself in better spirits. He hadn’t used a silly name for his most loyal deputy in days, although it ached a tiny bit to say it now. “Any properties in Newton’s name?”

“Yes, sir, several,” Mo replied.

“I need a list of all in the area. Get a team together and search ‘em. One by one,” Beau ordered. “Warehouses, cabins… Take it all apart. I don’t care.”

“And also see if any properties are in Hal Turner’s name and add them to the list,” Randy suggested.

Poppernak shot Beau a look, and only when the latter gave his agreement, did the deputy nod. “Yes, Sheriff Arlen.”

The obnoxiously loud sound of birds woke you from a deep slumber. Groggily, you pried your eyes open and found the first few beams of sunlight warming your face. For a peaceful moment of dazed bliss, you had no clue where you were or how you got here.

There was a thumping, searing pain in your skull, hammering away at your sanity like the ticks of a clock. Your neck and shoulders hurt from tension till you realized you were bound to an old wooden chair, a harsh and creaking surface underneath you. Your behind felt both sore and numb.

Glancing around the room, you noticed you were in the living quarters of a small cabin. A fireplace sat to your right. Above it, a cuckoo clock that showed shortly past noon, and you realized that must’ve produced the bird noise that woke you. The stinging sunlight reached your eyes and filled you with hope.

Hal Turner hadn’t locked you into a bunker yet.

“You’re awake. Good.” Turner entered the room with a bottle of water and a sandwich, throwing the items unceremoniously onto your lap. “You need to eat. We’ll leave soon.”

“Where are we going?”

“Where they all went,” he said and came up behind you. Turner wasn’t a man of tall stature. Small, middle-aged, nervous. Non-threatening.

Diane’s little ant.

He cut your ties, and you could tell his hands were shaking. They didn’t treat the others like that. Entertaining a victim had never been his job before.

Sedated, dumped, marooned.

That had been the pattern, and you hoped this little off-course adventure would pay off with your freedom. Your gaze drifted down to a lonely brown belt buckle.

Unarmed.

With free hands and Turner still vulnerably behind you, your arms shot up and wrapped around his neck. Fortunately, he wasn’t as heavy as Beau in training when you jolted him forward, jumped up, and rammed his face straight into your knee.

Unconscious for the moment, Turner tumbled to the ground, and you sprinted through the front door. You hoped it would give you enough time to find an exit.

But all you found was a vast sea of trees – towering pines that reached heavenward with no neighboring houses or roads in sight.

There was a shed to your left. Tools. You needed weapons.

And, most of all, you needed more goddamn time to think your way out of this one.

It wasn’t long till you heard the front door of the cabin slam open, heavy and angry footsteps aimlessly searching before they slowly circled closer to the shed.

Fortunately, your little hide-out had proved itself useful – and fully stocked. Turner had arranged his tools in a neatly organized manner. Nothing seemed to be out of place, screwdrivers hanging on the wall from small to big, pliers, drills, hacksaws… Your weapons of choice, however, fell on a hammer and the heaviest, biggest wrench.

Lurking behind the small barn door, you lay in wait till the old door creaked open and Hal Turner walked through. He only blinked at you wide-eyed before your first hit with the wrench landed across his right cheek. It was hard enough for blood to spew out of his mouth, and as he tumbled forward, you delivered your second blow – the hammer, this time, slamming against the back of his head.

Dropping the tools, you decided to take your chances and make a run through the woods for it. You still had a few fleeting hours till dark. If you just kept going, maybe you’d make it to a road or a town somewhere before you froze to death.

What a great outlook…

However, you didn’t even get farther than a few yards from the house before a sharp pain seared from your ankle throughout your entire body. Falling harshly and bracing yourself on the cold, wet leaves, you screamed out and looked down at the culprit – a bear trap.

Well, points for Hufflepuff!

Apparently, you had underestimated Turner. Ahead of you, you also spied some tripwire. Great. This place was a giant death trap – and you had already hated the woods before all of this.

Getting back onto your feet was not only hindered by the giant claws in your flesh but also the iron chain attached to the trap that tethered you to the ground. So, with your freezing hands, you dug out the metal stake that served as your anchor.

Then, the fucking bear trap – you knew this one would hurt like a son of a bitch. Carefully, you inspected the oozing wound, the razor sharp edges deeply clutching your skin at your lower calf and ankle. For a moment, you even swore you could feel the tips of their pointed teeth drilling into your bone. You tried to pry them apart with your hands but gave up on that idea rather quickly once the jaws cut your fingers.

Glancing at the shed, you saw the door was still ajar. It was quiet in there. Either Hal Turner was gone, solely unconscious, or currently bleeding to death. The shed was your Schrödinger’s cat. As long as you didn’t know which one it was, you still had time.

Taking several deep breaths, you closed your eyes and remembered the trip you took with Beau when you were back in Houston. The two of you drove camping in Piney Woods. For a few days, you were gone and unknown to everyone around you. You could just be you and him. No one had to hide anything. No one had to feel guilty. In those short days, you realized you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.

“Did you know bear traps are actually pretty easy to get out of?” Beau babbles a random fact in his usual manner when neither of you has said anything in a minute. He glances at you, a happy smile on his face as he intertwines his fingers with yours during a stroll through the green and lush forest.

“Huh.”

“Yeah, all you gotta do is not panic, get up on your feet, and press your weight down on the springs at the bottom. Just pops open and you can pull your leg out,” he explains with a popping sound, turning the little lesson into a show-and-tell.

“Don’t panic…” you mumbled to yourself and sat up. “Get up…” With a strained groan and your palms supportively on the ground, you heaved yourself to your feet. You winced as you put pressure on your injured leg and, therefore, tried to shift your weight to your good one. The main problem was the next step: “Press down.”

Mentally, you braced yourself before you slowly started to put pressure on the leg again. The jaws moved and wiggled in your flesh, but the pain was too much too bear. You bit down on your tongue as tears strangled your eyes.

Alright, next try.

If slow was too painful, then maybe the bandaid method was the way to go. Quick and painless, as they say. You inhaled and exhaled through your nose as you raised your foot a few inches above ground, making sure the springs would hit the uneven surface properly. Then, you kicked down.

The trap sprung open, you pulled your foot out, and released a primal scream that echoed through the quiet woods, surely disturbing whatever lived there.

And then, suddenly, Hal Turner stood in front of you with a shovel.

Diane’s listed properties came up empty. There was still no sign of you. Turner, on the other hand, had only booked a motel room in his name but hadn’t been seen there in weeks. So, Beau figured he had to be staying somewhere if he wasn’t sleeping in his room.

At four o’clock, the sheriff was close to a breakdown when all leads petered out and the daylight was almost gone. But then Cassie and Denise stormed the station, both out of breath, and brought forth a document that showed a property north of Helena in the name of a Diane Turner. It was a remote cabin in the middle of the woods, which also happened to be close to the location where the ambulance had picked up Randy.

Ding, ding, ding!

Beau gathered the whole cavalry and raced there as fast as he could. By the time he was ten minutes out, the sky had grown dark, the woods pitch-black around him. Switching on the Jeep’s headlights only added to the uneasiness in his stomach. His passenger was quiet next to him, but Beau could tell how worried Randy was by the way his left leg anxiously drummed against the floor mat.

Both of them thought it was too late to save you.

An access road, all dirt, led up behind the cabin, only making it a short hike. Turner’s vehicle had been parked at the fork where it reached pavement. They seemed to be on the right track. After all, if Turner was here, then hopefully so were you.

Beau and Randy were the first to arrive, the cabin inside dark without a single light on, not even a candle burning in the smudged windows. Carefully, the men stepped on the porch, the property around them quiet and undisturbed, but the front door was an inch ajar. Pulling out their weapons, the two shared a look without speaking a word before entering the house, a feeling of familiarity rising in Beau’s chest.

They were still partners, somewhere deep down.

The floorboards creaked under Beau’s boots as he treaded down the hallway. The cabin was small, only consisting of one bedroom, a living area, a kitchen and bath. While the men checked each room, Beau already knew you weren’t here anymore – if you’d ever been here to begin with. Maybe Diane had sent them on a wild goose-chase, another sick game created by the mind of psychopath, while you had been locked in a bunker all along, waiting for him to find you.

How much air did you still have left? Would he get to you in time?

“Beau!”

His partner’s voice drew him from the bedroom to the living space, his mind still rattling with the unspoken fear of losing you. His green eyes then focused on the beam of Randy’s flashlight as it shone on a wooden chair in the middle of the room, a set of cut plastic ties on the floor next to it. There was also an uneaten sandwich and an unopened bottle of water scattered on the ground.

And then, there were the trails, the little drops, and the sheer pools of blood everywhere that made his gut churn. Was it all yours?

“We need to get forensics here,” Beau said with a thick swallow, already pulling out his phone to call Jenny.

“That’s a lot of blood,” Randy said with a lump in his throat, his eyes transfixed on the little red pond by the tips of his feet. And although it was dark, Beau could see the color drain from his partner’s face.

“I know.” Beau bobbed his head quietly, gently clasping his friend’s shoulder as he held his phone to his ear.

The sheriff then informed Jenny of their findings, telling her to hurry any lab results along. The sooner they knew whose blood it was, the better. As he hung up, he noticed Randy following a trail of blood to the door, leading further outside. He shone his flashlight through the dense foliage before it landed on a little working shed to the right.

As Randy creaked the door of the shed open, with Beau behind him, both thought there was a high probability they’d stumble upon a body in there – if not two.

Instead, the shed was disappointingly empty.

Beau whistled lowly as the light hit the neatly arranged wall of tools. “Well, that’s some freak level organization.”

But Randy’s brow furrowed as his light landed on the ground behind the door. “There’s a hammer and wrench on the ground.” He knelt down to inspect it closer. “Got blood on it. Lot of it.”

Beau chuckled lightly and ran a palm over his face to keep the stinging tears of hope inside, which only confused Randy.

“What’s so funny? Y/N might be dead,” Randy said sourly.

“That’s not Turner’s doing,” Beau argued and gestured at the tools on the ground, his heart flooding with a tiny bit of relief. “Look at the wall. Why would he kill her with tools? It’s way too bloody. Guy like this can’t handle the mess. He had a perfectly fine gun. Would’ve been way cleaner if he wanted to.”

“So, you think this was Y/N?” Randy thought for a moment before nodding. “The ties inside were cut. The food and water on the floor… Maybe he cut her loose and she took advantage of it? I mean, it does sound like her.”

“Yeah…” Beau’s eyes then musingly drifted back to the wall. “Is there a screwdriver on the ground somewhere? There’s one missing here.”

“Nope, nothing on the ground,” Randy replied once his flashlight search was complete. “You think she took it with her?”

“Let’s hope so…”

“But if Y/N managed to overpower Turner, why isn’t she here? And where’s Turner? And if it happened out here, why is there so much blood inside?”

Beau licked his chapped lips, his brow returning to their initially creased position. “Maybe she didn’t take him out for good.”

“You thinkin’ she knocked him out and escaped?”

“Yeah, and then Turner woke up, went back into the house before taking off after her through those woods,” Beau shared his theory. It would explain the vast amounts of blood inside.

“So, your theory is she’s lost and being hunted?” Randy cocked a brow.

Beau only offered him a shrug. “Best possible scenario.”

“Great.” Randy scoffed. “What’s the worst possible scenario then?”

Beau’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “I think we both know.” Licking his lips, he patted Randy’s shoulder. “But let’s not think about the worst right now. I’ll get a team going to search these woods. We’ll find her. You’re not losing her again, alright?”

Randy could only nod and hope, but a little tug on his heart told him something different as he glanced at his former friend.

“It’s been three hours,” Randy huffed frustratedly as they passed the same street sign to Helena down the mountain once more, driving up and down the roads around the cabin in an endless loop, hoping and praying a miracle would happen. “Don’t you think we would’ve found her by now? If she’s hurt and inside those woods, we should be in there looking for her.”

Beau passed another sigh between his lips. There had been three hours of that, too. Patience was a not only an eight-letter word but a bitch as well.

“Neither of us is any help there. We don’t know those woods. You don’t even a phone, Randy,” Beau said with a bit more firmness in his voice, causing his partner’s frown to deepen. Saved by the bell, Beau’s phone chimed in his pocket with Jenny’s angelic name popping up on the screen. He pulled over on the side of the road before picking up.

“What you got? Uh-huh… You sure? What did they say about the cabin? Okay… Both of ‘em? How far? Which direction? Alright… We’re close. Driving back up there now.”

Randy held his breath till Beau hung up, trying to guess the content of the phone call by the various facial expressions of the sheriff. Then, he asked, “Good news or bad news?”

“Hard to say,” Beau replied, his eyes fixed on his hands gripping the steering wheel. He swallowed the lump in his throat, gave himself an encouraging nod, and started the engine, trying to sink every bad theory that surfaced in his mind. “Forensics came back. Our theory was partially correct. The blood inside the cabin was mostly Turner’s.”

Randy raised a brow, his heartbeat thrumming in his ears. “Mostly?”

“Evidence points to her not escaping. Turner might have gotten to her before she could even leave the property. They found a bear trap with her blood on it,” Beau explained slowly, his grip on the wheel tightening. “Dogs picked up a trail, leading into the woods. Forensics confirmed both of their blood on that trail.”

“Doesn’t mean anything. He could’ve followed her. She still could’ve escaped,” Randy replied and knew full well it was only sugarcoating the truth swimming in the lower pits of his belly.

“Could’ve…” Beau nodded and swallowed heavily. “But then again, if she did manage to escape, how did her blood end up inside the cabin?”

Defeated, Randy licked his lips, expelling a humorless chuckle. “Yeah, guess my hopes are little too high. I mean, how the hell would you get out of a bear trap?”

Beau knew the question was mostly rhetorical, but true to himself, he still answered, “It’s actually pretty easy. Just press down on the springs, and the thing opens right up.” A smile formed on his lips as a memory popped back into his mind. “I told Y/N that once when we took a camping trip back in Houston. She probably didn’t remember it. I mean, honestly, I doubt she was even listening. I was kinda ramblin’, you know?”

“Uh-huh. I remember. I’ve spent a lot of time with you…” Randy smacked his lips, fingers tapping his thigh. “You guys went on a trip together?”

Beau’s mouth opened on reflex, but he stopped himself from replying, shooting a scrutinizing look at his partner. “Yeah, uh, just the one, really. Shoulda been more…”

Regrets seeped to the surface. If Beau had known he had only a finite amount of time with you, he would’ve enjoyed and appreciated every last second of it. He should’ve spent less time in his head. He should’ve taken you out on more dates. He should’ve been the best he could be. Instead, he wasted so much time and couldn’t even remember why in retrospect.

“What makes you say that?” Randy’s question rang both with curiosity and pain. His brown eyes stared stubbornly ahead and focused on the dark road.

Beau blew a long sigh. “Well, I wasn’t always the best–,” he hesitated a moment before saying the word, “–boyfriend, I guess.”

If Randy was upset by the term, he didn’t let it show. Maybe he was sticking to Rule #2. He quirked a brow and glanced at Beau in the driver’s seat. “So, on top of stealing my wife, you’re telling me you didn’t even treat her right?”

“Guess so,” Beau admitted quietly, poking the inside of his cheeks with his tongue and ignoring the subtle jab. “And I didn’t treat her badly, by the way. Just could’ve tried harder. Felt guilty because she was your-, well, you know… And the divorce got kinda messy, too. I just wanted to stay clear of complications.”

Exasperated, Randy scoffed, shaking his head. “This is not really making me want to give you my blessing…”

Beau huffed a chuckle. “Didn’t know that was an option.”

“Well, it’s not. You don’t deserve her.” Randy clicked his tongue, pensively bobbing his head. He then finally admitted, the words sounding almost sour, “Neither do I. You might be as big of an idiot as me.”

Beau’s eyes widened in surprise, his focus briefly swaying from the road. “What d’you mean? You guys were perfect together. Is this about what Newton said?”

Randy’s lips curved into a bitter smile. “Y/N never told you?”

“Told me what?”

Randy chewed on his lower lip before pushing out the words that had plagued him for three years. “She wanted to leave me.”

Beau shook his head. “Nah, I don’t buy it. She loved you. You should’ve seen her after she thought you’d died.”

Randy inhaled sharply, his head spinning with regret and heart filling with hope. For the past years, he had wondered if he’d ever get another chance to fix things with you.

“Yeah, well, it’s true,” he said, his gaze cast downward as if he were confessing his sins to a priest. “She wanted kids, and I told her I didn’t. Neither of us was backing down. The night the cartel kidnapped me, we were supposed to have dinner and talk about it when I got home. Part of me already knew where it was headed.”

Beau listened and nodded. He remembered the set dinner table, the lovingly prepared food, the candles – it didn’t seem like something one would do if they planned on leaving.

“No, I don’t think she would’ve left you,” Beau noted, although his heart stung when he said it out loud.

“I overheard her asking Carla for a divorce lawyer. Pretty sure she was,” Randy retorted. “Seems silly now. She was already out of my league. I should’ve just given her what she wanted. I don’t even know why I didn’t. I should’ve just shut up and been grateful.”

“That’s what I would’ve told you to do,” Beau muttered, his brain trying to keep track and process everything. Why had you never told him any of this? And more importantly: “Why have you never told me?”

“Guess I was embarrassed.” Randy shrugged. “And I already knew what you would’ve said.”

Secretly amused, Beau cocked a brow. “What? That you’re an idiot?”

“Exactly.”

“And Carla knew?”

“I guess.” Randy gave another shrug of his shoulders. “I mean, they talked all the time. Well, mostly it was Carla complaining about you, but still…”

Beau’s brow furrowed into deep lines. He should’ve been more surprised than he was. The only thing that really baffled him was the fact you had still agreed to date him after hearing all of that. What else didn’t he know?

“I thought they met once a week for book club?”

Randy shot him a pitying look. “Dude, there was no book club. Only three bottles of wine.” He then exhaled a long sigh, stretching back into his seat. “Maybe it’s good she didn’t pick anyone. She deserves someone who can give her what she wants.”

“What makes you think I can’t?” A little offended, Beau raised his brow. “You know, when she came back a few weeks ago, I swore I’d make things right. I wouldn’t let her go this time.”

But Beau broke that promise. He pushed you away to stay clear of complications. His heart twinged.

“And you think she wanted to live in a trailer in the woods of Montana?”

“Doesn’t matter. I would’ve given her anything she wanted. No questions asked,” Beau stated simply. “I was happy when I was with her. Didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing.”

“So, what? You planned on marrying her? Kids?”

Beau twitched his shoulders, his eyes not drifting from the street. If he glanced at Randy only for a beat, he couldn’t ignore his friend’s reactions any longer and still remain honest. “We never talked about it, but... If that’s what she wants, then yeah. Don’t even have to think about it. You really were an idiot, you know?”

“I know that. Thank you,” Randy huffed sarcastically and rolled his eyes. “Still not getting my blessing, though.”

“Good thing you’re not her father,” Beau snapped. He could only muster so much patience. “You don’t really have a say in who she’s datin’.”

“You’re one to talk.” Randy scoffed mockingly. “I met your friend Denise at the station. We had a long chat. She almost talks as much as you. Sounded like you tried to have a say in who Carla should marry. Little hypocritical, don’t you think?”

“That’s different,” Beau retorted defensively. “We have a kid together. Whoever Carla’s seeing is also gonna be in Emily’s life.”

“So, you don’t even care a little about Carla’s well-being? ‘Cause Denise said you killed her new husband,” Randy countered cleverly.

“Of course I care,” Beau admitted frustratedly. What did Randy want to hear? That he was right about everything? Well, except one thing: “And I didn’t kill Avery, by the way. Might have been slightly responsible for his death, sure, but I didn’t kill the idiot.”

“Seems to be a pattern for you. Maybe Diane was right,” Randy muttered wryly.

Beau licked his lips and sighed. “Listen, I know that devil woman is good at getting into someone’s head, but you gotta believe me, man. I did not leave you to die. If I had known–”

“Whoa, I know,” Randy interrupted him with an amused chuckle and two placating hands. “I was just joking. I knew you didn’t hand me over to the cartel on purpose in some evil ploy to get with my wife. That would be insane.”

Beau gave a nod, accepting his answer with relief. “Well, good.”

“Look, I’m not delusional, contrary to what everyone’s thinking. I know things happened while I was away,” Randy admitted. “I figured she had moved on. For three years, I actually hoped she did. I wanted her to be happy. Just didn’t think it be you, I guess. Probably shouldn’t have been surprised, though. I kinda knew you always liked her. Just didn’t think any more of it, you know?”

“And there wasn’t more, alright? I promise,” Beau assured him, his cheeks reddening from embarrassment. He never thought Randy would’ve suspected anything – not that there really ever was anything. But had his tiny crush really been that obvious? “One of those things, you know? Just ‘cause I find Michelle Rodriguez attractive doesn’t mean I seriously expect to date her. I didn’t know it was more than that till I spent some time with her.”

“Good to know,” was all Randy said, crossing his arms with an uncomfortable clear of his throat. “Definitely surprised Y/N likes you, though. She always had a pretty low opinion of you. Said you were doing shitty police work and I should be more careful. Guess she was right..." Beau shot him a darkened look but refrained from taking the bait. Randy pursed his lips. "Look, I know I’m a pain in your ass right now. You’d probably love to get rid of me.”

“Well, hey, that’s not–”

“What, true?” Knowingly, Randy lifted a brow. “I would if I were you.”

Beau only nodded, not admitting out loud the thought had certainly crossed his mind. “So, what are you thinking now?”

“Still want her to be happy,” Randy said quietly.

All of a sudden, Beau then slammed on the brakes, both men jolting forward into their seatbelts. A loud thud echoed through the car as something heavy hit the Jeep’s hood. For a moment, the sheriff thought he’d run into a deer before blinking his eyes at the bloodied and muddied image of Hal Turner.

“What the hell?!”

Turner was in rough shape, pantingly and deliriously stumbling around the car and onto the road, shielding his eyes from the blinding headlights with his palm. Blood dripped from various places from his head and body before Beau’s eyes narrowed on the metal tool stuck inside his neck.

“Guess we found our missing screwdriver,” Randy noted as the two men jumped out of the car, guns drawn.

“Where is she, Turner?” Beau prompted sternly, his finger itching to pull the trigger for everything he’d done to you. But knowing where you were was more important than a vendetta. Turner could only speak while he was alive.

And the man seemed to know it, too. Before the sheriff could call for back-up and an ambulance, Turner sneered and raised a hand, gripping the screwdriver tightly.

“No, don’t!”

Beau’s plea came too late. Hal Turner pulled the makeshift weapon out of his throat and collapsed to the ground, bleeding out within seconds.

Randy’s fingers landed on the man’s pulse point. He glanced up at his partner with a shake of his head. “He’s gone.”

Throwing his gun angrily into the rustling brushes, Beau gripped his temples and screamed into the void of the dark woods. Desperation clawed on his mind and heart. The fear of losing you for good took him prisoner. With labored breaths, he squeezed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and rubbed his tired eyes. Turner had been his last lead. He knew more wouldn’t be coming.

What now?

A sanctimonious beep of his phone drew his attention. A small part of him prayed it was Jenny, informing him you’d emerged a few miles up the road – bloody like Turner, but otherwise fine. Alive.

But his green eyes only found an email and darkened at the sender’s name. “Diane just sent me a link.”

Randy, caught in his own spiral, suddenly glanced up. “To what?”

“Livestream.”

Chapter 13: Sure And Certain – JANUARY 10

Another cliffhanger, and it looks like Diane's still having the last laugh 🙈

What did you think of this part? Were you surprised by Randy's revelation? He might've changed his mind on a few things 😉

See ya next week for the freaking finale 🤍

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[girlivealwaysbean]

bestie is coming home on 1st im having thoughts

[urno1luv]

Loved the fanfic of Sub!Giselle! 💜

Can you make a part two author nim, but make it longer?? Pleasee??

But no pressure! Take your time and have a break author nim!! Love youu 💜🫶

i didn't expect so many ppl to see my work omg...🫣but ofc!! i think this might be the only sub idol thing i write bc it took so long to get out of that mindset myself😭😭hope u like this ♡

part 1 for anyone who missed it, but it's also a standalone so it doesn't matter which order u read it in <3

tags: this is actually a very cute fic if you ignore the sex, sub gigi, bratty gigi, sexually frustrated gigi, sex(🤩), pussy eating (both recieving), face sitting, gigi has pierced nipples, mommy kink, ass slapping (gigi recieving)

💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

Living with your girlfriend was a test of patience you were constantly failing. It wasn’t just that she was bratty—it was the artistry behind her annoyance. She made being difficult seem like a sport, and you were her unlucky opponent. Gigi loved you very much, but sometimes you couldn't help but think she did this to rile you up on purpose. The reason for this? You would find out soon enough <33

"Can you not breathe so loud?" she asked one morning, flipping through her phone at the breakfast table.

You paused mid-chew, glaring at her. "I’m eating cereal."

"And I’m eating in peace—or I was," she snapped, taking a delicate sip of her iced Americano, which she’d made you buy because "I just can't function without caffeine."

She left dishes in the sink like a declaration of war. “I’m giving you a chance to prove your cleaning skills,” she said with a smirk when you confronted her, her lacy bra strap slipping down her pale shoulder. It was almost like she did that just for your attention...

“Giselle, you’re literally standing next to the dishwasher.”

“Yeah, but my nails are wet,” she whined, holding up perfectly dry, manicured fingers. “You’re welcome for the visual.”

And don’t get started on her shopping habits. Packages arrived daily, piling up at the door like a shrine to her online shopping addiction. One time, she ordered a $200 sweater and wore it ONCE.

“Why didn’t you return it if you didn’t like it?” you asked, baffled.

“Because the hassle is too much. I dont have time for that. Im a busy woman,” she purred, draped across the couch, in an inviting manner.

If you so much as hinted at getting frustrated, she doubled down. “Aww, is living with me too much for you?” she teased one night, stealing the last slice of pizza you’d specifically saved for yourself. “Poor thing.”

But the worst was how she always needed the last word. Arguments with her were unwinnable, because no matter what, she’d throw out a smug, “You’re just mad that I’m fucking right,” and leave the room, huffing.

Some days you wondered why you hadn’t packed your bags yet. But then she’d do something annoyingly cute, like poke her head into your room at 3 a.m., blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

“I can’t sleep. Wanna watch something?”

You sighed, and begrudgingly made space for your girlfriend. God, she knew how to make you stop being mad at her so easily, and all she had to do was flash a smile in your direction.

She removed her blanket to reveal a silky lingerie set, in a colour matching her beautiful hair. She crawled over to sit on your lap, her sultry gaze meeting your surprised one. "Put a show on already," she whined, "accidentally" grinding on you.

You realised just then, as you grabbed the remote that Giselle was frustrated because you didn't fuck her for 2 days (a new record for your little slut). Oh, you didn't realise how much fun u were gonna have with her <33

An hour passed, and you forgot just how annoying your girlfriend was. Only 15 minutes were spent watching the movie, the other 45 spent arguing with Aeri over the smallest stuff. How you sat, how your room looked, how bad the movie you chose was, and you've just about had it with her.

Your hand snaked up her back, as she yapped, and tightened, before flipping her over so that she was face down into the mattress. A small yelp was heard, but you didn't care. This brat was gonna pay.

Youre both in the middle of the bed, and you dragged Aeri by her hair so that she rested her head on the pillow instead. She moaned at the sharp pain in her scalp, the sound so lewd and pornographic. "Baby, if you wanted to get fucked so bad, just fucking ask, okay? Don't piss me off, I'm not a patient person," you snarled at her.

Her pussy clenched at your tone of voice, back arching into you. Within minutes, you had her ass up and her hands tied behind her back, with one of your hands roughly gripping her hip, holding her down, the other pushing her head down into the pillow as you thrust the dark strap inside of her dripping cunt. You slapped her ass a few times, the flesh jiggling, her guttural moans escaping her mouth. The muffled cries and moans sounded like music to your ears, bringing you both closer to your edge, but you weren't gonna let Giselle off. No, not yet.

You removed the strap and threw it aside, and she groaned loudly at the action. "What the fuck are you- a-ah.." You slapped her before she could even complain, and told her that if she doesn't make you cum in the next 5 minutes, she's not gonna cum at all tonight. The threat of Aeri's pleasure being taken away had her scrambling, her lips connecting to you clit, and the moans you were letting out had her encouraged.

"F- fuck... that's a good g-girl..." You gasped, pushing Gigi's head into your pussy. Hearing your praises got her dripping again, and she sighed into your cunt, the action bringing you closer and closer to your climax.

Your orgasm hit you like a freight train, and you screamed out loud, thighs closing like an oyster around your beloved pearl, Aeri, who whined as she tasted your sweet essence, pleased to have made her girl happy. "My turn, please, mommy? I've been s'good to you..." You obliged, already losing your anger.

"Come here, Gigi," you softly murmured, and she obeyed, eagerly pushing you down, her pussy hovering above your face. You wrapped your hands around her plush thighs, pulling her so that her full body weight rested on your face. She immediately started grinding, and you plunged your tongue into her, swirling inside of her warm, pussy.

While sucking on her clit, your reached up to twist her pierced nipples, and Giselle threw back her head, squealing, reaching her high withing seconds, squirting all over your face. "M-mommy.... h-hah..." Aeri's body twitched, and she slumped beside you, completely fucked out.

Shakily, you got up and started to run water in the bath, before coming back to nuzzle into her neck. Giselle reciprocated, her arms wrapping around you, holding you closer.

Although she could be too much, you wouldn't trade her for the world.

[weirdsht]

Hello, a cale x reader lunatic here 😭

They meet a fortune teller pre-relationship and pre-war

They're idiots

FT: you're going to have 10+ kids

Cale: uhh...

Reader: wtf is you spouting? /*Terrified

Ohn, Hong, Raon, and the wolf children: 🫂

Selective Vacuous - Cale/Reader

notes: I made it a 4+1 since I had several scenarios but didn't know how to connect them all hehe

tags: female reader, established relationship (except the first one), reader is mentioned to be a spearman, GoD priestess prophet (it'll make sense in the end), vague to mild novel spoilers

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are open and welcome

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“You will meet someone. A male. They will mean the world to you, and will bring you both trouble and comfort.”

“Miss priestess, you’re from the church of the God of Death, right? Don’t you think things like fortunes are for the God of Fate?”

_____ listened to the priestess’ ramblings. Yes, ramblings. Because that does not make sense to the spearman in the slightest. She was already married to her spear. There’s no way someone, especially a man, will suddenly become her whole world.

It just didn’t seem possible possible.

That was why the spearman did not understand the painful feeling in her chest when she saw Cale’s plate breaking. She couldn’t understand why her heart hurt for a person she just regarded as her employer.

“Everything is going to be fine soon young master. So please hold on a little longer.”

She couldn’t understand why her hands were softly wiping the blood on the redhead’s chin. Can’t understand why the sight of her employer in pain makes her heartache when she knows he's going to be alright.

She just can’t understand it.

+~+~+~+~+~+

“You have thirteen children. Whom you all love equally despite not seeing some of them often.”

“Do you think this is an elaborate prank?”

“I’m not sure but this the second time someone from the Church of the God of Death has given me a prophecy…”

“But 13 children? Really? If they're going to try and scam us at least make it sound believable.”

“I can’t even imagine having one child. Let alone more than ten.”

_____ shivered at the thought of having that many children with her significant other Cale. Turns out their chest pains were because she was in love with the redhead.

It took a whopping 5 months for the two of them to realise their feelings.

Another 2 for them to make a move and finally get together.

While the two are already in agreement that the priestess who said that might be a swindler, a certain silver kitten has another opinion.

She thinks that there’s a misunderstanding.

The priestess didn’t say “will have” but rather said “have”, meaning they already have thirteen children. However, she didn’t say anything and opted to keep her thoughts to herself.

'I’m pretty sure that priestess was talking about us and the wolf children…'

+~+~+~+~+~+

“You are destined to be with a powerful man with a very powerful family. Someone whose family has a long history.”

What now?

Does this mean one day _____ and Cale must break up?

“The family with a long history part checks out since the Henituse family are known to guard the Forest of Darkness.”

The spearman puts her hands underneath her chin as she thinks.

“But a powerful man? You have the weakest plate in existence. A powerful family? The Henituse family is a county. Not a Marquisate or a Duchy…”

Besides her Cale grumbled.

“Have you not learned anything? Just tune it out. This isn’t the first time we’ve heard such bullshit.”

“That’s true… I guess this one bothered me a bit since they implied we’d break up.”

“We won’t”

After the reassurance, _____ and Cale went back to eating their food.

What they don’t know is that a few days later, the Henituse County will be promoted to become the Henituse Duchy.

But at that time the prophecy told to _____ is already forgotten.

+~+~+~+~+~+

“Forbidden love is ahead of you. There will be a time where your own significant other will feel uncomfortable to show you affection.”

Great now the fortune teller scammers from that stupid church are targetting Cale too.

“But we’ve had great communication since the start of our relationship.”

Cale nodded in agreement as he thought about what could “forbidden love” and “uncomfortable with affection” could mean.

Sure they weren’t the most PDA couple but they don’t shy away from showing affection towards each other. They have also had their fights but they are always quickly resolved.

“Forbidden love is also a weird thing to say… Oh my god, Cale don’t tell me you’re planning to cheat on me?!”

Cale was so flabbergasted he said his true thoughts without filter.

“What the fuck?! You’re literally the love of my life??”

The sudden confession got the two of them to shut up. Both were shocked at what the redhead said.

“...You’re the love of my life too.”

“If you love me then you would not remind me of the embarrassing thing I said not even 5 minutes ago.”

As the two laugh, the words of the priestess slowly leave their minds.

However, maybe they shouldn’t have forgotten it when Cale had to disguise himself as Naru von Ejellan, a 12-year-old kid in human years. If they did then maybe they'd understand the priestess' words...

+~+~+~+~+~+

“You troublesome punk! I knew you’re dense but I didn’t expect you to be a blockhead!”

Cale was shocked at Team Leader Lee Soo Hyuk’s irritated voice. One moment they were talking about passing on one of the team leader’s abilities then suddenly he was yelling at Cale.

“Don’t look at me like a gaping fish out of water. I did so much to help you with your love life only for you to disregard my messages!”

“What messages..?”

Cale remembered all the times a priestess from the Church of the God of Death had told them a “prophecy”. 

“That was you?”

“You disrespectful punk, yes it was me.”

“Oh…”

Oh indeed

[toomiieimagiines]

hihihi

uhm so am i allowed to request again (i don’t wanna spam) 😭😭🙏

and if i am can u pls do a rui x hopeless romantic best friend reader (i’m totally normal about best friends to lovers lmfao)

so like the reader is always yapping about hot guys and it’s a little angsty at first because rui is thinking to himself ‘why did i have to fall inlove with someone that won’t ever choose me’ and then one day a hot guy comes up to reader and asks her out, reader is about to say yes but then she realises that she barely knew him and there was someone (rui) who had been by her side since day one and she figures out who she really loves (RUIII) so she rejects him and when rui asks why she just hugs him and says ‘because your the one i really want’ mwah mwah i feel like such a genius (i really hope this made sense lmao be prepared for a million bestie-> lovers and angst-> fluff rui requests 😼)

thank youyoyoyoyoyuuu!!

hi guys! i’m so so incredibly sorry for how inactive i have been! unfortunately, the fanfic writer curse caught up to me, and i’ve had considerably bad things happen to me! ToT

i had developed a really bad addiction after a recent episode - which may be why i’ve loved to write my characters so miserable, but they get a happy ending in the end - and have recently relapsed after a couple months. i’ve also been struggling with a lot of things, like being bullied again, pressure from theater, classes, autism, parental issues, memory of past trauma, having no friends, things like that. i’ve just been having a really hard time, so writing has been super difficult for me. i’m currently having some of the worst mental health in my life, and am un-recovering from other things i’ve had in the past too, after seeing the results of my recovery. sorry if this triggered anybody, i just needed to get this off my chest, and felt also that i should explain where i have been. you all supporting me has kept me going, and i hope you enjoy this one too! LETS END THE PITY PARTY!!!

in other - not so depressing news - here you guys go!! sorry for OOCness, obviously this is a more dramatic approach to a story! happy ending, j tried to write the inner narration differently for how you two were feeling at the time.. and ty once again for such a great idea, mama ^3^

“I don’t think I could stand to be where you don’t see me.”

If he has to sit here and listen to this one more time, he thinks he’ll go insane.

Rui Kamishiro loves you. He truly does. You’re his best friend, his partner in crime, his-

Never mind.

Rui loves you, but he absolutely HATES your taste in guys, and it’s driving him nuts. Nodding and agreeing can only get him so far before he wants to rip his own hair out, and tonight is no exception.

“I give up! All boys are dumb, I don’t need them!” You lament, resting your chin in your hands. It’s the same song and dance over and over. You swear off boys, you get attention, you get sucked in, and he has to pick up the pieces when it inevitably fails. How many times has he thought about how much better he would treat you now? He doesn’t know. He’d be a classical lover, he’d never speak to you the way those stupid unprincipled high school boys do.

Gross. That’s his best friend, why’d he think that? And when did he start being so self confident? He really outta look at himself in the mirror. What an egomaniac he’s turning out to be.

He shakes his head.

“You do know I’m still a boy, right?” He prods, trying to cheer you up. He knows this situation well, and he knows exactly how to make you feel better. Again he’d pull you out of this, and again he’d watch you fall in love.

He wishes you could be happy. He wishes you weren’t in love with being in love. You’re too pure for true love, love is disgusting, depraved, and unkind. You’re not anything like that.

“I know, I know, but you’re the only good one!” You point, words self-assured. “I don’t need a boyfriend, you do everything boyfriendy for me anyway!”

Ouch. Thanks a lot, that’s exactly what he needed to hear right now. He’s not gonna dwell on that last bit for now, he’ll wait until he’s home. Then he can- he doesn’t know. Cry, or something juvenile like that.

“So I’m back-up-boyfriend?” He masks himself in jest, smiling teasingly at you.

“Eh, maybe,” you snicker, “you’d definitely be cute if you weren’t my friend.”

He turns to his school work sharply, trying to mask his complete and utter despair. Ugh, why does he have to be so dramatic? His own personality makes his skin crawl with disgust and hatred, and that only makes him cringe more. He could think about how obnoxious he is all day. Maybe he should use that go home and cry pass early. He pretends to check the time, as if that isn’t all he’s been doing.

“It’s getting late, after this problem I should get going.” He mutters, scribbling some random numbers into his notebook. You yawn in response, being broken out of absentmindedly scrolling through your phone.

“Ugh, I wish you didn’t have to go!” You drape an arm over his torso, trying to hold him in. He smiles fondly, wrestling to get you off of him.

“I’d have to walk home in the dark then, do you want that?” He knows you’d never let him, and he sees it immediately.

Your face looks knowing, and you let him go right away. It amuses him at first, but quickly fills him with overwhelming pity. You’re so kindhearted it makes him sick. You shouldn’t worry about someone like him, it’s bad for your health.

“Would you like me to walk home with you?!” You shoot up, the idea of him not being safe running through your head. Maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. How emasculating! He’s not a helpless young girl! He’s just as manly as those boys who you long for, he’s not a puppy to be walked!

God, is jealously turning him into a bigot? He shakes his head once again, this time not just to clear his thoughts. He’s absolutely not letting you walk him home, it’d be mortifying. He takes your attention belly up, you should have a break. Maybe some time to yourself for a change? God, Rui, get a grip.

“I’m fine, I don’t want you out late by yourself either,” he assures, looking at you in haste.

“Ah. You have a point.”

“I always do.” He means more to that, and he wishes he could tell you. He wants you to see that even he knows what he’s talking about. He needs you to see him, just for once. Not as a best friend, or backup boyfriend, just as a regular one. As a lover who dances in the rain, or ties your shoes

He needs to stop. He shouldn’t think about you like that. It’s lecherous.

You two exchange goodbyes, giving him a long hug (much to his horror). He hates how feverish it is it hold you like this, it makes him feel guilty. His body gets hot, his cheeks flare up, his throat feels tight- it makes him feel like a pervert, even if his thoughts are the farthest thing from lewd.

He feels that everything he thinks about you is repulsive, though.

“Be safe”’s and “See you later”’s are passed between you two, and he walks down your front steps, now completely alone. His eyes scan the damp pavement, seeing the golden hues from the sky light the boring rock. That’s how he feels about you, he decides. You’re the sun, and he’s the pavement. He humors himself by thinking that your suitors are the clouds, stopping you from shining your light for him so he can grow weeds in the cracks of his soul. That’s what these feelings are. Weeds.

He wants to live life beautifully with you, he decides. He wants to tie your shoes, he wants to twirl you as you dance.

He wishes he could be the moon. Something of consequence- of importance, but he’s just the pavement. Not the earth, not the stars, not the clouds, or rain, he’s just a man made monster who destroys nature - you - and is walked over by people who do matter.

He should quit being this way, he grumbles, it doesn’t do anybody any good to be so flowery. He’s too girly- too weak. Maybe that’s why you don’t like him. If you’re willing to date anything that moves other than him, that must mean he’s on a completely new level, huh?

That’s what dreaming gets you, Rui. Crushed dreams and embarrassment.

He lets out a pitiful sigh, kicking a pebble with his shoe. He sees a worm in a lawn which reminds him of himself, he sees a couple shopping for a new game which reminds him of you, he sees a convenience store which reminds him that he’s hungry-

His life can be so mundane sometimes, what a drag.

He’s about to reach his front door, when he steps into a puddle. It feels like an appropriate representation of his life right now. A sense of disgraceful hilarity washes over him, and he begins to laugh. He laughs a while, he laughs as he takes his shoes off, he laughs as he peels his button up down, and he laughs as he lays in his bed. How dramatic he could be some times!

He falls asleep quickly. He has a dream about being on stage and forgetting his lines.

He wakes up with a thud, he fell out of bed. How embarrassing. He decides to check his phone.

Weirdo: RUII

Weirdo: wanna hang w me 2day?? u don’t have dance time right??

Weirdo: gonna kill you. WAKE UP

Me: I’m awake, sorry!

Weirdo: finally sleeping beauty

Weirdo: wanna get a snack? i’m simply starved…

Me: When?

Weirdo: an hr maybe…

Me: Okay :) I’ll tell you when I leave.

Weirdo: kay!!

He really doesn’t feel like being social today, but he’d never pass up an opportunity to see you. He’s an obscene degenerate when it comes to you, pouncing on your attention like a sick dog. It’s mortifyingly pathetic.

He gets dressed, throwing on a boring striped sweater. It’s getting colder outside recently, and he’s always ran cold anyway. His hands are shaky and nervous as he brushes his teeth, the anxiousness to see you making his body jittery. He considers breakfast, but quickly shuts the idea down. He doesn’t want to be stressed out - at least more than he already is - when he sees you. Twitchy hands lock his door, and he gets a few feet away before he double checks that he did, in fact, lock it. Pull yourself together, Rui! He screams at himself.

The walk is just as unexciting as he expected, albeit a bit chilly. He’s feeling thankful for the sweater. The breeze runs its hands through his hair, and he’s reminded that winter is coming. He always liked Autumn flowers the best, hibiscus flowers are pretty too, he supposes. It’s nice to have the warmth of the sun soothing his cold hands during summer, for sure.

He trips over a rock on the way, and his pants get wet on the knees. Khaki blends into an ugly brown, and he sighs. How unlucky, would anything go right for him today?

Turns out it will, you look really good today.

You great him at the door, practically buzzing with eagerness. It makes him smile, knowing that you do, in fact, want to see him. Or at least are acting like it. You’re a good friend to him, he’s lucky to have you.

“Rui!” You hug him as a greeting, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist. His heart soothes, eyes closing in relaxation. Problems feel obscure and distant when you two are like this, despite his reluctance last night. He can forget about corrupt feelings - or misguided love- and he can just be your best friend. Despite his apprehension to be cared for, he is flattered that you, at least, seem to like him.

“Hey.” He breaths you in, his voice soft. He hopes you don’t notice, it’s embarrassing.

“Hey!” You reply, pulling away. “Big things planned, Rui!”

“What big things?” He asks, amused. “Big things” for you were junk food and shopping.

“Big things! It’s a surprise!” You put your shoes on, and he can’t help but feel jealous as he watches your hands tie them dutifully. He sighs, stretching. He decides to make it a challenge to act normal the whole day. No weird thoughts are going to beguile his mind, he promises himself.

You lock your front door, twisting the knob to make sure that it did, in fact, lock. This fills him with a child-like sense of delight, maybe you two really were similar.

Nah, not possible. You’re too pure - too perfect. Ugh, Rui, no more stupid thoughts.

He watches you check the time, make a face at a nearby bird, and cover your cheeks with your hands. You suddenly perk up, wrapping your arms around him.

“Warm me up, will ya?” You scowl at the cool air, grip tightening. He gulps. It’s weird he reacts like this, considering you two have done things like this all the time. It’s normal, so why does he have to be such a creep? His arms wrap around yours, running his hands up and down to create heat.

“Should’ve worn a jacket,” he chides, “wouldn’t be cold, y’know?” His voice is so casual, like everything is totally fine. It is fine. Fine, fine, fine.

“Gotta look good. I’m on the hunt, obviously,” you joke. It isn’t funny to him, but he lets out a laugh.

“You’re hopeless.”

You two stop at a convenience store first, and you all but sprint to the drinks. He had this ritual down to a science. You grab two different color slushies, and he grabs whatever odd snack catches your collective stomachs eye today. Today the two of you decide to split a cookie, and walk to the counter. The cashier gives you a smirk, and he averts his eyes.

“This it?” The boy cocks his head, and you get the memo. You immediately jump on the opportunity.

“Mhm!” You wink, resting your chin in your hands while leaning against the counter. In all honestly, he wasn’t even that cute. At least, that’s what Rui kept telling himself.

“Don’t worry about it, than. I got you guys,” he waves you off. Score! You think, but he adds. “If I can get your number.” Rui feels like falling into the floor, how awkward! You just scribble it onto a stray receipt, winking.

“Thank you! You’re the sweetest!!” You singsong, skipping along with Rui following suite. You immediately burst into laughter, throwing a fake punch at Rui. “What a weirdo! Like I’d call him over what, 1000 yen?! I don’t even know him, yuck!”

So you did have some sense, he feels like letting out a sigh of relief. You hold your hands out.

“Which one do you want? I got your favorite!!” You look so proud, and he wants to laugh. His “favorite” isn’t actually his favorite, but he’d never tell you that.

The lie started one day in middle school, when the two of you suddenly had a weird craving for slushies. When you picked them out, you had gotten a red one and a blue one, and asked him what he wanted. While he really didn’t like red, he knew you liked blue, so he said red. Now for the past four years, you’ve always ended up getting him a red one, thinking it was his favorite. He’ll deal with it for you. Seeing your blue tongue stick out with brain freeze is better than any sugary drink anyway.

“Red, duh.” He scoffs playfully, taking a sip of it. The taste doesn’t really bother him all that much anymore. It reminds him of you.

You always let him divide the snacks, thinking he gives himself the bigger half. He never does, but he eats slower so you think he did. You skip along, enjoying it.

“Y’know, this isn’t bad. Wish they had the brownie, though. That never does us wrong.” God, don’t make him think of the ‘crack brownies’ - as you two call them. Those are great, and he likes them, so you never miss an opportunity to shove them down his throat.

“Don’t complain. Remember the egg roll incident?” He points, laughing at the memory. You two steer clear of that section now, having gotten sick.

“Ugh, I haven’t thought about that in a while! I’m never eating an egg roll again after that day! Ugh,” you gag.

Moments of silly memories like this make him feel like he’s known you forever. He can’t even remember a moment where he hasn’t loved you.

“Where’re we going now, commander?” He salutes, following the trail of sunshine you left behind.

“Where ever the wind blows us, kind sir!” You salute back, pushing him along. Your constant checks of your phone don’t go unnoticed by him, and he fights the urge to roll his eyes.

“Who’re you texting? Don’t tell me it’s that guy.” He tries to sound casual, knocking his shoulder against yours playfully.

“‘M not a total idiot, I’ll have you know!” You huff, holding your phone to your chest. “It’s just somebody we went to school with a while back, ‘m seeing if I can pull the moves.”

“Do I know him?”

“Dunno, never saw you two talking, so maybe not. He was in my english class, remember, the only class we didn’t have together?”

“Ah.”

You two walk in silence, except for when he yanks you back from the collar so you don’t walk into oncoming traffic, which amuses you greatly. You two soon arrive at the small mall, and he tails you as you run with excitement. You two browse everything, constantly pointing out cute plushies, or interesting keychains.

“Rui, look! Look!” You shake him, pointing to the back of somebody’s head inconspicuously. “Wait don’t yet- Okay, now! He’s turning around! That’s the guy! What a coincidence we see him here, right? Do you recognize him?”

Ha. Yeah, he knows this guy. He definitely knows him. He’s the one who would trip him during passing periods, he’s the one who left flowers on his desk. They make eye contact, and it’s like all of his growth left his body. He’s just the same freak from middle school, he’s still thirteen.

He shudders at the guys smirk, sensing that he definitely knows that Rui knows him. He jogs over to the two of you, and Rui already knows what’s about to happen, due to the lopsided smile on your face.

Damnit, this is the first time he doesn’t think he can act like it’s okay.

“Oh wow, what a coincidence! Must be fate we run into each other like this, ehe…” You giggle awkwardly, a dumb expression gracing your face. It’s painful seeing you that way for anybody other than him, and he looks away awkwardly.

“Must be.” He answers, swaggering closer towards you. Rui thanks whatever God above because - despite his current situation - at least this asshole didn’t go to highschool with you guys.

He looks down at his shoes, and tries to shuffle away, knowing this jackass is about to say something. He’s quickly stopped.

“Who’s this, huh? Feel like a recognize him from somewhere…” He trails off, smirking through his nose as he turns his attention to him. “Have we met before?”

“This is Kamishiro Rui, he’s my friend! He went to middle school with us, remember?” You happily answer for him.

Ha, friend? What happened to back-up boyfriend? He’s a little hurt, to be honest.

He feels bitter, it’s unbecoming- God, he doesn’t care. He should feel bad for getting so angry over it, it’s not like you belong to him. He’s such a freak, getting attached to you like this.

He starts to pick at his fingers, then he plays with a loose string on his sweater. You two continue to chat like nothings wrong, and he keeps thinking. It’s something he’s gotten good at recently.

He stops feeling bad about himself for a second- a split second where he resents you, and wishes his pain upon you. Wants you to know what it’s like to be so disgustingly, guiltily, revoltingly obsessed with someone. In this split second, he can’t even find it in himself to feel guilty about it, which is unlike him. He wishes you felt love like this, that you were as psychotic about it.

But this doesn’t last long, because he remembers that he loves you more than anything. He’s lucky to be your friend. You’re a great friend, you’re an amazing person, you’re the sun, the sun, the sun.

He’s the pavement, he has to remember.

“I’m- I’ll leave you to it, y’know? Fabric store.” He stutters, choking on his voice. You don’t even notice, waving him off.

You do, however, remember to press his shoulder, uttering an absentminded “Okay, Rui, bye,” and he remembers again how perfect you are for doing it subconsciously. He lets himself feel the touch, long after he’s walked away. He deserves it after the trouble he’s reliving.

When he makes it to the fabric store - which he really didn’t need anything from, Nene had gotten some the other day - he can’t help himself from wishing he could just go home. Malls were always overwhelming already, and now his saving grace has the attention of another man. He walks through aisles, but realizes that he now has to buy something.

‘Least he knows that social cue, he laughs bitterly, running his hands across his face in frustration. He’s so ridiculous.

Meanwhile, you were chatting up a storm. It was your first time talking in person since middle school, after all! You feel giddy for a while, but it cuts abruptly. You feel a strange sense of urgency, something’s missing.

Oh, your best friend.

But where had he gone? You’re sure he was just here. You smile apologetically at the cute boy, putting on your best performance.

“Oh, I better go get my friend now. I don’t like walking home when it’s late. Was nice seein’ you, let’s hang out soon, ‘kay?” You singsong, stepping closer. You want to give yourself a pat on the back, you’re so cute.

He rolls his eyes, and you’re hit with a wave of uneasiness. That noise he made sounds strangely dismissive, he’s not the kind of guy to be a jerk though, you must be hearing things-

“Leave ‘im. Between you and me, he was a total freak in middle school. Probably is now, too. Probably likes you or somethin’, total nutcase.” His voice sounds so casual, like it’s not the douchiest thing you’ve heard all day.

You let other men walk all over you, sure. You let them cheat on you, lie, whatever. But you’re not about to stand here and insult Rui. He’s the only untouched thing in your life - the only person who isn’t cruel. He’s so gangly and awkward, but in the best way. You could live a million times and not be able to deserve him, at least you think so. He’s so unusual, and that’s what you love most about him. Little things like not liking loud lights, or liking the red slushies the best, make your heart buzzy with familiarity. He’s the one constant in your life.

You’ve been awfully worried about him recently, though. His particularly (as you like to call it) has gone to the an extreme, and it’s been a battle getting him to eat real food. You’re not blind, you see the way he’s been spacing out, or tapping a little too much. You just thought he’d been overwhelmed. He worries you to death sometimes, but despite all of his own struggles, he always seems to not care about it, deciding to always be there for you instead. Ah, he’s just such an amazing guy - no, not guy, he’s not anything like those other boys you talk to. He’d never insult someone like that. He’s not just a guy, he’s like your person.

Yeah, he’s definitely your person.

Your heart sputters at the thought, and you feel something you’ve never really felt before - save for hugs between the two of you that lasted just a second too long, or words a little too romantic. The feeling makes your mind fuzzy, and your heart hurt terribly with something you could only place as homesickness.

Oh.

“I,” you begin, backing away. “Yeah, I’m sorry but I’ll really be going now-“

“What? C’mon I was just messing with you, even though having guy friend’s kinda weird.” He rolls his eyes.

“Yeah whatever, I’ll call you back,” you say dismissively.

You’re totally lying, you laugh, you’re not calling him back.

He didn’t seem to like that.

“Damn, can’t even joke around with you people. Whatever, weirdo, sorry I insulted your little boyfriend.” The change in tone amuses you.

Yeah, good riddance, pal.

You turn away, walking through the mall with pace. It takes a while, but you spot him watching a pet stores aquarium.

He’s a funny one.

You wave your hands, trying to get his attention. He swallows, knowing that it’s probably to ask him if it’s cool to walk home by himself. Emotions are stupid, and ironically, you both think that at the same time.

“Rui! Rui! Hey c’mon, let’s go home, yeah?” You smile, face feeling warm. It’s a different feeling from when you usually talk to him. He looks at you, a little shocked. He had assumed you were smiling wide because you set up a date, so he turns his head.

“Where is he, huh?” He looks away, back to the fish tank. You shift in place, was he mad at you? You’re a little irritated at the mention of the guy, though, and huff.

“Don’t worry about that. Seems like I only attract douchebags, so I decided to go.” You explain, poking his shoulder. “Hey,” you start, “let’s just walk home, I wanna talk to you about something.” The idea makes you feel dizzy, but you’ll have to illustrate your feelings one day.

You can leave out the “I think I’m in love with you” part, you think.

The two of you walk in an excruciating silence, staring down at the reflection of the setting sun in the puddles. His heart tightens, remembering his earlier comparison. Even now, you’re so perfect. Even if he’s frustrated with you - despite you turning down the guy in the end (he doesn’t know why, he wanted to ask) - even if he’s ready to scream, and cry, and ask you what it is he did for you to be so turned off by him, he still thinks you’re the most heavenly, divine person to ever grace his view. He wants to be where you see him, he wants to be in your orbit.

“You’re like the sun-“ He blurts out, immediately regretting it. He didn’t mean to say that, God, he’s so fucking stupid. He sees you stop walking, smiling that same stupid, dopey, lopsided smile that he’s always so jealous of-

Oh. It’s for him.

He chokes, stopping to meet you eye-to-eye. You look up at him too, laughing giddily.

“What does that mean?”

He sputters, stepping away. “N-no it’s nothing- It was stupid anyway so-“

“No, tell me!” You urge, laughing a little harder. “What if it was something bad, ‘nd you were making fun of me? That’s not nice, Rui!”

“I- Hey-“ His voice goes a touch higher, a defensive tone rising. “That’s not-“

“Then tell me.”

“It’s just,” he breaths, trying to word it in the least creepy way possible. How does convey the fact that he sees you as a divine presence, that he sees himself as a worthless creature compared to you, without sounding like he’s hopelessly possessed by love for you? “I just- you’re so amazing,” he starts, “I thought of this stupid thing the other day when I was walking home - you know how I am - and well, I just thought of you when the sun reflected off the pavement - since it rained, y’know? - and well, it just- Sorry, it was dumb-“ He rambles, covering his face in anguish.

Nobody’s ever put that much thought into you. Sure, you’ve received a few ‘You’re so gorgeous’’s, where you’ve had to wonder where they learnt such a “big word”, but never something as poetic as that. The usual Rui-ratic explanation endeared you to him even more. You look at him, the smile never leaving. He’s just… so Rui. His stupid striped sweater, his half up hair - that you’d begged him to grow out - his eyes, whatever. Everything about him you treasure, and little do you know he cherished you even that more intensely.

“I think you’re the moon, Rui. Or maybe the earth, since I take care of you, hah!” You snicker, stepping closer to him. He takes a step back in return, and you grab his hands to make him stay put. His heart throbs, and he almost goes crashing down.

“I.. I don’t-“

You yank his hands, making him look back up at you. “Hey, Rui, I,” you look at him assuringly, “I wanna say something, and you can’t laugh okay?”

He holds his breath, so do you.

Fuck it, just tell him.

“I think I’m in love with you, Rui.” You gaze at him, the words shooting out faster than you can second guess them.

“I don’t-“ He breaks away, his fists balling up. You messed up, you think, you really, really messed up. “I’m not- I’m not going to- You can’t just say that because you got rejected. I- It wouldn’t be nice to- You don’t love me-“

“Rui,” you beg, grabbing his arm again, “holding hands on the way to school, cuddling while doing homework, knowing everything about eachother, these aren’t-“ You breath, “I’ve wanted somebody to love me for so long, Rui, and I was so blind to the fact that I was loved. But the love that I felt for you, - that I feel for you - Rui, isn’t the kind where I can be- where I can just be so- so normal about those things!” You monologue, saying whatever’s on your mind. You’re the rambling one now.

“I found myself comparing you to these piece-of-garbage dude’s I’m always with, wishing I could just date somebody like you instead! But now I realize that it is you-“

His heart falls into his gut, and he breaks free from you again. His hands move to his face, covering his eyes. His voice is broken and cracky as he begins to cry. “That was- you-“ He pulls you into a desperate embrace, arms holding you like you’ll disappear. “You shouldn’t, you’re wrong.” He sobs, “I’m- the way I love you is- You don’t understand, the way I feel isn’t normal I- My love is disgusting, and horrible, and depraved-“ He shakes, you rub his back. “You are so perfect compared to me, I’d never be able to- I love you so much, more than friends are supposed to, more than anyone’s supposed to at our age-“

“Rui, hey Rui please don’t cry.” You beg, smoothing out the ridges in his sweater. “I don’t- I don’t agree with that, and I can scream that at you, but I’m sure you won’t believe me. You’re not disgusting for feeling emotions different, Rui that’s what I love about you.”

“Stop- stop saying my name like that. It’s too hard to-“

“Rui, I love you. You don’t need to accept it, but I love you. More than being in love, more than being loved-“

“I love you, too,” his voice cracks, “that’s why I’m so scared. I don’t want to ruin a friendship that’s all I have, if this is just- I’m scared I’d lose you in any way, and I can’t live in a world where you don’t see me. I won’t. It’s sounds horrible but-“ He stops as you pull away from the hug, and wipes his face hastily. You put your pinky out, and his stomach drops again.

“C’mon, just like when we were kids. Pinky promise that no matter what, we’ll always see each other. That way you don’t need to worry anymore, y’know? I never break my kissy pinky promises, ever.”

Just like when you two were little.

He locks his with yours, just like you taught him all those years ago. He remembers your shared handshake for theater, he remembers your shared handshake for testing, and he remembers the song you two had to duet for choir - when you have forced him into it for a year. He holds everything of you so dear to his heart, you endear everything about him to you as well.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“I see you.”

“I see you, too.”

You two kiss your hands, then bring them down, still interlinked. You stare at him, and he stares back at you. In a moment of profound sincerity, you lean forward, and kiss him. It’s slow and gentle, and you unlock your hands half way through to hold his face, which he mirrors. His heart settles for the first time. You see him. He’s your moon, your earth, you’re his sun, his stars.

He’s suddenly alarmed by a quick pushing off of him, gasping out a “Rui!”

“I-“ he pants, wiping his mouth. “Hm?”

“we’re in the middle of a park!”

[sterredem]

Obsessed

Oscar Piastri x singer!reader

Face claim Olivia Rodrigo

Warning stalking (online), not proofread, Speling mistakes

Summary y/n is obsessed with her boyfriend’s ex.

A/n We are just gonna say that Lilly’s account is public… so that everything makes sense.

Also this may be more of a Lilly x reader the an Oscar one… it’s also a bit short… and this is probably the only fic you’ll get in a bit

Instagram

120.124 likes

F1.Gossip BREAKING NEWS: Our favourite young couple, Oscar Piastri and Lilly Zneimer has reportedly broken up! After their 4 years and a bit realation the couple found out that they where better of as friends then being together. Many hard are broken after hearing this news, but they claim that they are still friends. We wish them both the best with their careers, and we with them the best in future relationships.

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User1 NOOOOOOOOO😭😭😭😭

User2 I don’t believe in love anymore😭😭

User3 WHYYY?!?!💔

User4 Hearts ♥️ been. Broken 💔 Too. Many. Times ⏳😭😭

User5 MY FAVROUTE COUPLE😭😭😢

User6 Why am I so upset at a couple that I don’t even know😭😭

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Twitter

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Time skip

Twitter

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Real life

Y/n knew she was crazy. It was actually sociopathic what she was doing. She was stalking her boyfriend’s ex girlfriend.

And not stalking stalking. She was not following her in real life… just on social media.

She was just going through the girls instagram photos, looking up everything about her, wanting to know everything that there is about the girl.

Beside that she was also looking at old Twitter threads, shortly after the break up was leaking by a gossip account F1 Twitter went crazy, they loved the couple. They made comments upon comments expressing their hard break at the news, they also still make post dedicated to Lilly and her achievements. And it tore the singer apart.

And she has to admit; lily is perfect.

And that was the worst ever.

Lilly was sweet, good with kids, talented, smart, funny, gorgeous and genuine. And maybe even far better than herself.

She now knew almost everything about her: her star sign, her blood type, her family, hot what school she goes to and on what class she was in. She knows that she slept on her side of Oscar’s bed (which didn’t make her feel good). And other things that Oscar had told her, with them knowing each other and being friends while they were dating and him finding comfort in her after the break up.

And she knows it was crazy; they broke up. They don’t even speak anymore! But still, every time he says her name, Y/n can’t help but think that he mistakes herself for his ex.

So she has to admit, she is jealous.

She always knew she had some kind of a problem, but this?

She thought about Lilly 24/7. If you knew how much she thought about the girl, you’d think she was in love.

And if you’d know how much she looked at her pictures, you’d think that they were best friends.

And that was the moment she realised: she was Obsessed with Lilly Zneimer, her boyfriend’s ex.

And not obsessed in a normal way, she wasn’t just jealous of the amazing girl, no.

She had a had a whole white board dedicated to her: all the things she liked, the things she did, the clothes she white (thanks to the fan accounts), the people she hangs out with, her hobby’s, her go to food places, everything.

She was really going crazy.

Not that Oscar knew, of course he didn’t. If he did he would break up with her for her sociopathic behaviour.

After realising that, she knew there were few things she could do.

So she walked through the house to her music room, she sat down, and begin writing.

She needed to stop with the obsession, and the only way for that was music.

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Instagram

Liked by LillyZneimer and 2.964.624 others

Yourusername SUPRISE! My new song ‘obsessed’ is out now! The music video will be out midnight est!!

Thank you @DanielNigro With working with me on this!

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OscarPiastri Excuse me??

OscarPiastri Why didn’t I know?

Yourusername …suprise…?

SabrinaCarpenter AMAZING (but also…?)

GracieAbrams Another banger!!

Laufey The best song ever!

Conangray Girl, check your msg

User7 HUH??

User8 This ganre swich is INSANE! but I love the rock!

User9 Dare I say that this is about… Lilly

User10 Y/n in her stalking era

User11 Nit Lilly liking this😭😂

User12 The aesthetic😍

User13 Oscar didn’t know??

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212.543 likes

Celeberty.Gossip After recent speculations that Y/n Y/l/n’ new song ‘obsessed’ is about Lilli Zneimer (Oscar Piastri’s ex girlfriend) The pair was seen hanging out and shopping together. Is the song about someone else? Is there a sudden new friendship? What is going on?

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User1 OMG?!

User2 the line about them being best friends?

User3 Or about them being in love??

User4 I don’t know what’s going on but I love it!

User5 They look very good (together)

User6 I ship…

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No part 2… open ending!!

[goosewriting]

I am a SUCKER for enemies to lovers

So hear me out, reader is part of the mantis crew as a healer and for some reason cal and them just don’t get along. at. all. And maybe like, they put their differences aside for the sake of getting the holocron first (not without some tension and snipping at each other) but after that’s over, neither of them have anything to take their mind off the other so they end up sniping at each other and getting into arguments a lot more often and eventually reader storms off after cal had said something particularly scathing and she maybe gets into trouble in some way? Like she’s not the best at fighting but then her blaster jams up and she thinks she’s done for but cal had followed her and saves her? Anyway, it all ends in a super heated kiss? Idk just a thought lol

(If you did write this, could reader be short? Like I’m 5’2” and I don’t see many fics where my height is represented? If that makes sense? And since I headcanon cal as six foot..)

Anyway sorry for the longish request! Just thought I’d drop in something lol

Have a good day/night!!

Can't Stand to be With(out) You

summary: after getting on everyone’s nerves with their bickering, Cal and reader are put in time-out to finally make up. 

relationship: Cal Kestis x gn!reader

warnings: second hand embarrassment, making out 

word count: 3k

A/N: to be frank, this was one of the hardest Cal fics to write. the request and idea in itself is great and i’ve been trying to come up with something since the moment you sent it in, but it’s been SO hard to find a way to convincingly portray cal like someone reader doesn't get along with because i literally love him sm i can’t imagine him ever being anything other than a sweetheart with the people he cares about 😭 so yeah i hope i did your request justice!<3 i love short!reader so please do send in some more for cal when i open reqs :’) 

[all masterlists] 🪶 [star wars masterlist] 🪶 [ao3]

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Ever since the holocron was retrieved and destroyed, some deeper troubles seem to be coming to the surface amongst the Mantis crew. Or rather, between you and Cal specifically. Cere decided that the team should lie low for some time until comm chatter about them calms down again, so you currently find yourself on a moon somewhere in the Outer Rim.

Cal and you accompanied Greez to the local market to get provisions, and even in small things like these, you notice how much friction has bubbled up between you and the redhead. 

If you’re being honest with yourself, you’re so tired of Cal’s way of going about things. The way he always goes in sabres and blasters-a-blazin’ instead of strategising a little more. That one time he literally jumped off the Mantis mid-flight on Kashyyyk? Absolutely insane. 

Cal seems to think that stims or bacta will cure anything. He comes up so beat up sometimes that you’ve questioned his self-preservation instincts more than once. You give him a piece of your mind as well when he comes back to the Mantis like this, that he has to better take care of himself out there, as one day he might be so injured, he might not make it back in time for you to patch him up again. 

He suggested that the solution might be to take you with him, and for a low stake reconnaissance mission he did drag you along, but you both quickly realised that that was not your strong suit. You know he probably didn’t mean to, but still, he made you feel like you were slowing him down. And you were pretty helpless against local fauna and enemies, still not completely skilled at shooting your blaster, since you had never had to use one before.

And if that didn’t make you feel pretty useless that day, then you had to swallow your pride and ask him to get some supplies from the top shelf, as you’re too short to reach. This was, unfortunately, not a rare occurrence. And while he never openly made fun of your height, this was just a reminder of yet another aspect where he was “superior” to you. 

Bringing your focus back to the task at hand, you point to a basket of fruits, saying that you should get some. Meanwhile, Cal is looking at some pre-packaged food instead of fresh produce; he vouches for practicality, while you insist you should focus on nutrition. Greez rolls his eyes as you butt heads for what seems like the hundredth time today. 

Merely seeing Cal’s face brings up anger in you now. Your mind trails off again as he goes on about ration bars, thinking about how insufferable he is. The way he thinks the whole weight of the galaxy resides on his shoulders; what’s up with that? He is so harsh with himself when something doesn't go as planned. And then the whole team has to deal with his sulking. 

Having had enough of your antics, Greez sends you both back to camp to cool off while he takes care of the food. 

“And by the time we’re back, you better be best friends!” he calls as you leave the market.

Cere is currently elsewhere with Merrin getting intel. As you’re both walking side by side in spiteful silence, Cal takes out his comlink, hitting up Cere and asking if he can join her. The gall of this guy! You shoot him an incredulous look. Cere says no, however, and in a hushed voice makes it clear that she, too, is fed up with your bickering, so you should make up already. Then she hangs up. 

The whole walk back, Cal is restless and frustrated. He claims to be stuck on the moon, and he feels like they’re losing time, that he could be doing something. 

You stop dead in your tracks, and he looks back at you questioningly. 

“You're always going on about doing more and more. Why can’t you take a break and be happy about what you’ve already accomplished?” you blurt out, unable to hold back any more. “You’ve saved all those kids on the holocron list. In the past months, you’ve almost died so many times I’ve lost count. I understand the cause, but you’ve neglected yourself for too long. Heal and rest properly so you can still go out there to do… whatever it is you do.”

You regret your poor choice of words the moment they come out of your mouth. You didn’t mean to downplay Cal’s actions and the danger he gets himself into to save people or get intel. But at the end of the day, you don't actually know exactly what he does and how. You only see the end result in the state he comes back in.

“‘Whatever I do’?” he repeats incredulously with a scoff. “What do you think I do? I’m sorry I can’t stay inside the ship all the time playing nurse.”

Whatever intention you had of backtracking and rephrasing is thrown out the window. His words sting.

“Playing…?”

You haven't told him about the nightmares plaguing you, where you see him over and over, bleeding out, falling to his death, unable to rescue him. He dies in your arms every time.

But you’re not about to tell him that. So you storm off. Where to, doesn’t matter, you just need to get away from him. 

You can hear Cal calling out to you as he tries to keep up with your hasty pace, navigating through the maze of narrow passages that make up the village. At some point, you manage to lose him after squeezing through a rather small opening in the wall, and you stop to catch your breath. Your mind is reeling, and there are so many things you want to tell him but know will get you nowhere. The team wants, needs you to make up to function properly again, and you know it. You’re aware it’s not just him but you as well who has become extremely irritable, causing the team morale to sink considerably.

Leaning back against the brick wall, you groan in frustration. Why does it always have to be you to give in, and swallow your pride and words for the sake of a moment of peace on the Mantis? It’s not fair.

As you’re mulling over this, you don’t hear the steps quickly getting closer. By the time you realise what’s happening, a bandit is standing in front of you, holding a knife in his hand. You don’t really have anything to give him, so you quickly push yourself off the wall and make a run for it. Turning around mid-run, you try to shoot at the bandit, but of course your blaster gets jammed, so you throw it at him instead. The guy easily dodges the weapon, quickly closing the distance between you two. 

When he inevitably reaches you, he harshly grabs onto your arm, bringing you to a forceful stop and slamming you against the wall. There’s a blur of lights as Cal appears out of seemingly thin air, fighting off the bandit, who quickly escapes with a yelp of fear. 

You shake your head at Cal’s actions, so much for “lying low”; here he is, yet again, sabre out. 

“Put that thing away before someone else sees,” you reprimand him, looking around the passage, but luckily there’s no one. 

Cal retracts his weapon, clipping it back to his belt, hidden under his coat. He looks around one last time to make sure the coast is clear, then turns to you with a frown, surely to scold you, but whatever he was going to say dissipates, as does his anger, his face instead morphing into worry.

”You’re bleeding,” he points out, his hand coming up to your temple. But you swat him away, hissing as you touch the wound caused by getting slammed face-first into a brick wall. You look at the blood on your fingertips accusingly, like it’s to blame for this whole situation. 

You walk back to camp in silence, not without retrieving your blaster that you threw a couple streets further back. Cal follows a couple of steps behind you, and you don’t look back at him once. 

When you arrive, you’re glad to see the rest of the team hasn’t come back yet. You get your things and go to the refresher to use the mirror to patch yourself up. Cal wants to help, but you swat his hand away for the second time that day. So he leaves you alone to clean your wound and apply some bacta, then you place a little gauze over it. 

When you come back out, you find him sitting on his bunk, and he calls you to him, so you sit next to him, both of you surrounded by uncomfortable silence until he speaks.

”About what I said earlier–“

“Don’t,” you cut him off, shaking your head. “You’re so concerned about the entire galaxy out there that you forget the people right here with you.”

“What do you mean?” He looks at you, offended. 

The sound you produce is something between a scoff and a groan of frustration, starting to turn away. 

“I don’t forget about any of you!” he remarks, gently holding your shoulders to make you face him. “I couldn’t do this without you, and if anything, we’re doing this also for ourselves. Because we can, and others out there don’t have the chance to fight back.”

“Ugh!” You free yourself of his hold and stand up, pacing up and down in front of him. “You’re like, this all powerful being of legends, moving stuff with your mind, effortlessly picking your enemies off, while I'm back here, worrying about you to the point I can't sleep. All the time, but especially ever since we destroyed the holocron, you go around picking fights, going after imps without thinking of the consequences that could have for the rest of us!”

He looks at you, and you can feel your whole body shaking.

“Is that what you’re worried about?” he asks. “Nothing will happen to any of you, I’ll protect you.”

“But what if you can't!” Now you’re close to tears, sitting back down on his cot, looking up at him almost pleadingly. “What if you don’t come back?! Do you know how terrified I’ve been every time you left and I didn’t know what state you’d come back in, if at all?”

“Wha–”

This time, it’s your hands that come up to his shoulders, and you shake him back and forth lightly to emphasise your words.

“You say you’ll protect us, but who’s protecting you, Cal? I can’t go out there with you, we’ve already established that. But what if you need me? What if I can’t get to you in time? I could never forgive myself.”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” he says, taking your hands in his and giving them a reassuring squeeze. “The reason I can go out there in the first place is because I know you’re safe, and that you’ll be here when I come back.”

“That’s not sustainable at all,” you say with a huff.

“It’s worked this far, though, hasn’t it?”

There is a moment of silence as you hold each other’s gaze, and while you’ve seen his eyes a million times, for the first time you realise just how deep of a blue they hold. Were they always this beautiful? 

“So all this time, you’ve been worried about me?” he asks almost shyly.

“Obviously,” you answer. 

“I thought you disliked me. Some days even hated me.” 

“What? No. I mean–” 

He raises his brow questioningly, and as you’re trying to formulate an answer that encompasses that some days you can’t stand him but he, in fact, means so much to you, you look down at your hands still in his, and he holds onto them even tighter, as if scared that you might let go. 

“I mean, I, uhm,” you stumble over your words, looking back at up him, aware of the heat spreading on your face. “We’ve been part of this crew for a while now. I guess I’ve become rather… fond of you. As a colleague, you know.”

“Colleagues, huh,” he says, and a grin spreads on his face, an adorable blush adorning his freckled cheeks. “That’s too bad, because I think I just realised I, uh, like you. A lot, actually.”

You can’t help but laugh at the timing of such a confession.

“To think that all this time we were giving each other such a hard time,” you say, shaking your head.

“Maybe it’s better that way, though.”

“How so?” you ask.

“Had I known back then, it would have been infinitely harder to leave for missions. I know it certainly will be from now on.”

“I could still join you,” you joke, and you both laugh, knowing that that’s a bad idea for a multitude of reasons.

“Absolutely not. I’m not putting you in danger,” he says, his hands momentarily letting go of yours to gingerly run up and down your arms as he looks lost in thought, cherishing this moment. Then his eyes snap back to yours as if he suddenly remembered something.

“You said earlier you're so worried that you can’t sleep?”

“Ah, well, yeah,” you say with a slight shrug, trying to brush it off. “I’ve been having some nightmares, but nothing serious.”

Cal gives you a deadpan expression. 

“Yeah well, you know,” you try to come up with an explanation that holds the least amount of detail as possible. All the while, his soft caresses seem to light your whole body on fire. “You’ve come back pretty bruised at times. I was, am, scared that one day I won’t be able to patch you back up.”

“Believe it or not, I do know my limits. I wouldn't ever put myself in actual danger if I knew I was in over my head.”

“And I believe you. What I'm worried about is your ability to assess the situation.” 

“Ouch,” he chuckles. “Maybe I can just see more from where I stand.” 

You narrow your eyes at him.

“Do you mean through the Force, or are you actually calling me short right now?”

He grins.

“Oh, you better watch out for your kneecaps, young man, they might go missing one night!”

“Yeah? I’d like to see you try…  shortie.”

“Oh, that’s it!” 

You play wrestle him, and he scoots further back onto the cot, so you follow, throwing half-hearted swipes at him, until you realise that you ended up climbing on top of him.

“Ah, sorry–” you apologise, trying to lift yourself off of him, but he holds you down, bringing you closer by your hips so you’re straddling him, and he sits up with you on his lap.

“It’s not just blind arrogance, by the way,” he says, bringing his hand up to run his knuckles over your jaw. “I trust the Force and my Master’s teachings more than I trust myself. They haven't failed me yet. I'm here. I’ll be here tomorrow, and the day after. So please, the last thing I want is for you to lose sleep over me.”

“I’ll try.”

Cal properly cups your face with both his hands now, and you place yours over his, leaning into his touch. Your faces start inching closer, like a magnetic force is pulling you together.

“It might help if you’re there when I fall asleep, though,” you whisper, lips ghosting over his. “Just a hypothesis.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged.” 

When he finally kisses you, it’s like all the pieces of a puzzle fall into place. Everything makes sense now; the tension between you two, which had been there from the very beginning, was and had always been attraction. Disguised as snarky comments, arguments, glares and grumbles; in the end, you’d always find yourselves together, seeking out each other’s company.

As this realisation hits you, you feel a weight being lifted from your shoulders. But there’s a different weight on you now, one that you welcome, as Cal pushes you onto your back on his cot, climbing on top of you. He kisses you with desperation, as if making up for lost time, and you pull him closer, but it’s not enough. Everything you feel, taste, and breathe is Cal, and you don’t want this moment to end. He breaks the kiss momentarily for some much-needed oxygen, and attacks your throat instead. You bring one hand to your mouth in an attempt to stop the sounds threatening to escape, but it doesn’t work, and they only spur him on. Bringing his lips back to yours, his tongue finds your own. He snakes an arm around your back, further arching into him.

Suddenly, Cal flinches in surprise and pulls back, leaning on his elbows on either side of you.

“W-what?” you ask, out of breath.

“Cere is outside,” he merely says, a violent blush going from the tip of his ears all the way down to his neck.

“How do you…?”

“She was, uh, checking in, to see if we were here,” he says, unable to look at you.

“Well, can you tell her to… wait a bit longer?” you ask, running your fingers through his copper hair. His eyes find yours again and he tilts his head to the side, a smug smile starting to spread on his lips.

“Hm… You’re cute when you’re needy,” he says.

“Shut up,” you say with no snark whatsoever, chuckling. 

“Maybe we can take this somewhere else,” Cal proposes, leaving a trail of small kisses on your jaw. “There’s a pretty good spot up by the hills, it has a nice view.”

“Should we pack some dinner too?”

He takes a moment to look down at you underneath him, then smiles with hungry eyes, towering over you.

“Good idea, I’m starving.”

— — — — —

Meanwhile, outside: Cere pinching the bridge of her nose with a groan, Greez giving her a confused look, while Merrin looks strangely proud.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

🐥 taglist: [link to join in my pinned post!] @dybynyght, @galaxtic-writings, @kalea-bane, @soka-writes-things, @padawancat97, @riddikulus-obsessions, @optimisticprime3, @starilicious , @lovelyygirl8, @cathyket, @wildefire, @ghostkestis, @reckoning-star, @wyvernthekriger, @camiemorgan8, @ivelostmyabilitytoeven

[zer0brainc3lls]

my safe haven tmr headcanons 🫶 (also random ones)

All of these are sweet, will make angst ones tho 🤭 Newtmas included ofc

- Thomas blushes super easily

- Brenda loves heavy metal

- newt writes to cope, just about his day and whatnot. (This is sorta canon in crank palace but i think he would continue to write if he lived)

- when Thomas & Minho get drunk together they get up to the most INSANE activities it’s not even funny

- If newt & Brenda are drunk at the same time they bet who is going to get injured first 😭

- minho LOVES Halloween. Absolutely LOVES IT. His costumes are phenomenal every year

- newt is SO GOOD with kids, the kids in the safe haven gravitate towards him and they all love him 100% (uncle newt?!?)

- Thomas on the other hand is like so bad with kids, has absolutely no idea how to talk to them 😔 the kids 100% ask him 2863382 times a day “are you uncle newts boyfriend?! :O” and he has no clue how to respond

- Minho teaches the kids curse words on accident 💀 he would like fall over or something and go “OW FUCK” and they would copy him, newt has scolded him so many times for this

- speaking of Minho and cursing, HE CURSES ALL THE TIME. THE MOUTH ON THAT MAN. It somehow gets worse when he’s drunk

- R.I.P Brenda you would’ve loved thick and crazy eyeliner

- Sonya made matching bracelets for aris and Harriet, aris accepted immediately 😭 Harriet sorta raised a brow but accepted as well but she NEVER takes it off. EVER. Aris on the other hand has lost it so many times, and freaks out every time he does

- Sonya will braid anyone and everyone’s hair. She knows so many hair styles it’s actually ridiculous 💀 she doesn’t remember learning them though. :[ (when she and newt were taken she would brush & braid the other girl’s hair like her mum taught her)

- aris slowly comes out of his shell in the safe haven, and every time he does something “bold” Sonya and Harriet silently cheer for him

- Newt and Sonya got REALLY close in the safe haven, they clicked like instantly and helped each other heal :) “she’s like a sister to me!!” “He’s like a brother to me!!” Is used OFTEN. (Little do they know.. ☹️)

- When Newt is extra pissy his accent is way heavier, and Thomas already being into his accent as is when newts mad at him.. I’ll just give you an example:

Newt *oblivious*: THOMAS WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?! YOUR SO DULL SOMETIMES I SWEAR-

Thomas *face hotter then the sun, sweat dripping down his face*: Uhm-

Minho & Gally *with popcorn*: *watching the whole thing go down while holding back tears of laughter*

- newt never practically had a favourite flower, he thought they were all equally beautiful until one day Thomas came home with a sunflower, gave it to him and said “oh this reminded me of you” let’s just say after that day sunflowers were his favourite.

- frypan immediately knew when Thomas and newt first started dating, when he realised he went up to Thomas, patted him on the back and said “so you finally got together huh? Good job man” and walked off leaving Thomas SHOCKED

- if Teresa never betrayed everyone Newt and her would’ve been BFFS. “I remember when you liked Thomas I was so mad” “I was mad at you too!!” “REALLY?!” *whilst making flower crowns*

- Newt loves to read and this is common knowledge, Brenda also loves to read & wears reading glasses and one day newt caught her and she was like “if you tell a soul I’ll kill you. Wanna read together?”

- Newt = ambivert + Thomas = ambivert

- Newt LOVES tea and Minho gives him so much shit for it 😭

- Minho would be the type of guy to carry around a speaker and blast white girl music

- karaoke night once a week or two, Brenda and Minho sing barbie girl ATLEAST ONCE every time

- Thomas is still incredibly smart, like really smart but there is never really opportunity’s to show it ☹️ but like Newt will lead him a 600 page book or something thinking he won’t finish it and like 2 days later Thomas is like “I finished it! Yeah it was really good I really liked-“ goes on a full in depth analysis

- Newt is autistic 🙏🙏 (if yall want a whole headcanon list just for this I will do it because I’m autistic myself and would love to do that lol)

I hope yall enjoyed my ramblings 🤭 I’m gonna post more but the next one will mostly be post death cure, how they cope and how everything has effected them etc etc so angst

[lucky-clover-gazette]

prince's gambit highlights & annotations

chapters 5 & 6

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Laurent glanced at their surroundings, and said, ‘It’s the wrong terrain for an ambush.’ ‘The town isn’t,’ said Damen. For good measure, he took hold of Laurent’s horse’s bridle. ‘Consider alternatives. Can you entrust the task to someone else?’ ‘No,’ said Laurent. He said it as a calm statement of fact. Damen forced down his frustration, reminded himself that Laurent was in possession of an able mind, and that therefore his, ‘No,’ had a reason behind it other than pure stubbornness. Probably.

i love this entire passage! damen taking control of laurent's horse is great

‘This doesn’t suit me,’ he said, meaning that it didn’t suit him to wear them. ‘No. It doesn’t. You look like one of us,’ said Laurent.

well this definitely helps laurent with his evolving self-delusion and cognitive dissonance. also i like how damen's pov specifies that he is not calling himself unfit for the clothing physically, bc he's hot enough to wear anything, it's more of a figurative unfitness

‘The Prince has business away from the camp,’ said Damen. ‘He plans to return mid-morning. He wants you to captain the men as usual while he’s gone.’ ‘Whatever he needs. How many men is he taking with him?’ ‘One,’ said Damen. ‘Good luck,’ was all Jord said.

jord, immediately assuming that the one man is damen:

Vistas of endless ridiculousness opened up before him.

Laurent was considering the women. He was far from wide-eyed, but there was a certain quality to his gaze. For Laurent, Damen realised, this experience was wholly new and highly illicit. Compounding Damen’s sense of the ridiculous was the sudden acute awareness that he was accompanying the chaste Crown Prince of Vere to his first brothel. From elsewhere in the house, you could hear the sound of fucking.

damen you’ve seen the court of vere, why the fuck do you think laurent would be flustered by this. is it the heterosexuality?

You’re sitting so far away,’ said the blonde. ‘Then get up,’ said Laurent. She got up. The brunette rose too, and made for Laurent. The blonde came to sit beside Damen.

not the blonde going to damen and the brunette going to laurent 😭

‘Unlace his jacket,’ said Laurent. The blonde looked from Damen to Laurent. Damen looked at him too. Laurent had dispensed with his own woman wordlessly, perhaps with a single dismissive flick of his fingers. Elegant and relaxed, he was regarding them without urgency. It was familiar. Damen felt the moment when his pulse kicked in, remembering the love seat in the garden bower, and Laurent’s cool voice giving explicit instructions: suck it, and, tongue the slit. Damen caught the blonde’s wrist. There was not going to be a repeat performance.

“do it yourself coward”

it is interesting, to get some insight re: how damen feels about the garden scene. he seems to regard it as less of a personal violation, and more of an insult or annoyance. it might even be something he’s intentionally avoiding BECAUSE he knows how much laurent’s instruction turns him on.

the use of “performance” is interesting here, too. damen’s reactions in the garden had been real, and he knows they would be real here again. but he seems to assume that to laurent, it’s all just an act. which at this point, i think it pretty much is, although… i’m not quite sure what this specific gesture would have gotten laurent, if damen had allowed it. is it possible that laurent genuinely wanted to do damen a favor by getting him laid? or was he just “yes, and”-ing the situation on damen’s behalf, for fun?

‘The plaster’s old,’ said Damen. ‘Here.’ He took hold of the grille, and gave it a tug. Bits of plaster rained down from the edges of the window, but it wasn’t enough to detach the grille from the frame. He changed his grip, braced his stance and put his shoulder into it. On the third attempt, the whole grille came away from the window. It was surprisingly heavy. He placed it carefully on the floor. The thick carpet muffled any sound, as it had done when he had moved the chest. ‘After you,’ he said to Laurent, who was staring at him. Laurent almost looked as though he was going to speak, but then he just nodded, pulled himself through the window and dropped soundlessly into the alley behind the brothel.

another rare early instance of obvious laurent attraction. i think he is smitten by damen’s irreverent blunt efficiency, as well as the display of raw strength. seeing this, laurent might be thinking to himself, “he could have snapped me in half this whole time, but he hasn’t.” kind of foreshadowing of the “i could have done this...” line in book 3.

anyway, laurent’s attraction here seems to consist of 1) respect for damen’s competence, 2) intrigue regarding his usual restraint, and 3) physical attraction to big hot strong guy. #3 is the one i personally have the most trouble analyzing, and i’d bet laurent would be equally confused by that aspect of his own reaction. but he’s definitely feeling Something here, whether or not he’s able to understand or verbalize it. he can’t even manage to make the expected snarky comment!

‘Here. Take this,’ said Laurent when they were half the town away, tossing Damen his coin purse. ‘It’s better if we’re not recognised. And you should do up the collar on your jacket.’

when exactly do you think laurent came up with the role reversal plan? was it before or after damen ripped a metal grate off a wall with his bare hands?

whatever the case, he’s preparing for it now. damen will just have to play along.

Anyone seeing a young blond man of noble birth is going to guess it’s you.’ ‘I brought a disguise,’ said Laurent. ‘A disguise,’ said Damen.

did he only make this specific disguise plan after damen agreed to come with him? if not, was he just going to pretend to be an unaccompanied pet????

After no more than a brief, dismissive glance at Laurent, the innkeeper gave Damen his full attention, greeting him respectfully. ‘Welcome, my lord. Will you and your pet require lodgings for the evening?’

(the noise i made when i read this for the first time…)

every single uncomfortable, indulgent detail about veretian pets in book 1 justifies itself in this moment.

some disorganized thoughts:

from the moment they left, laurent knew this is where they were heading. and he intentionally did not inform damen of the role he would have to play. there might have been a slight strategic advantage to keep damen in the dark, but i also think laurent just figured it would be funny to make it a surprise. a little treat, to get himself through the horrors.

if laurent was asked to examine WHY this specific arrangement is a fun treat, he’d probably jump out of a window to escape the question. (damen, too, but for different reasons.)

like, there… really is no strategic reason for laurent to be a pet here. he could have disguised himself and damen in plenty of other ways, but laurent chose this specific bit for them both. interesting.

i'd like to think that laurent would eventually unpack this choice. i’m sure there’s plenty of fic exploring the idea of him roleplaying as a pet, relinquishing his authority, and reclaiming his sexual identity in a controlled environment. maybe he and damen can do it on purpose, without the high-stakes mission to justify the act.

craft note: this subversion is incredible, in terms of characterization, plot, romance, and sexual tension. the perfect payoff to nicaise’s earring, the focus on pets in book 1, and laurent’s affinity for “performance.”

as i begin close-reading chapter 6 of prince’s gambit, i remind myself that this is meant to be rational and eloquent literary analysis.

'I want your best room,’ said Laurent, ‘with a big bed and a private bath, and if you send up the house boy, you’ll find out the hard way that I don’t like sharing.’ He delivered the innkeeper a long, cool look. ‘He’s expensive,’ said Damen to the innkeeper, by way of apology.

And then watched as the innkeeper sized up the cost of Laurent’s clothes, and his sapphire earring—a royal gift to a favourite—and the likely cost of Laurent himself, the face, the body. Damen realised that he was about to be charged three times the going rate for everything. He decided with good humour that he didn’t mind being generous with Laurent’s coin.

i’m obsessed with how quickly damen commits to the bit with good humor. i wonder if it surprises laurent, even delights him to have such a willing scene partner

Why don’t you find us a table. Pet.’ Enjoying the moment. And the sobriquet.

“A sobriquet is a descriptive nickname, sometimes assumed, but often given by another. A sobriquet is distinct from a pseudonym in that it is typically a familiar name used in place of a real name without the need for explanation; it may become more familiar than the original name.” (Wiktionary)

damen is enjoying the sobriquiet. he is enjoying calling laurent “pet.”

craft note: i can’t do this. i don’t know. something something, role reversals and subversion. there.

Being the best table, it was occupied. Laurent emptied it with what appeared to be a glance, or a word, or the simple fact of his approach.

okay so what do we think this was. like, he’s not using his prince privileges here. he’s being perceived as essentially a very expensive prostitute. it happens quickly, it couldn’t have been a long con. what did laurent say or do, subtly enough that damen couldn’t make it out, to empty an entire table of people???

The earring was not a discreet disguise. Every man in the common room of the inn was taking the time to have a good look at Laurent. Pet. Laurent’s cool-eyed arrogance proclaimed that no one could touch him. The earring said that one man could. It transformed him from unattainable to exclusive, an elite pleasure no one here could afford.

has anyone ever drawn laurent in the “i am a luxury few can afford” sweater

But that was an illusion. Damen sat down across the table from Laurent on one of the long benches. ‘What now?’ said Damen. ‘Now we wait,’ said Laurent.

previous line “… no one could afford.” there’s a sort of double meaning here, i think, when damen says this is an illusion. what he means, consciously, is that laurent’s entire act is an illusion. but what i can imply, from the following action and dialogue, is that damen IS that one person who can touch laurent—the real laurent, behind the disguise. damen sits with him unceremoniously and speaks to him like an ally, not a pet.

their dynamic drives me fucking insaneeeeeee

Then Laurent rose and made his way around the table, sitting himself beside Damen, close as a lover. ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Verisimilitude,’ said Laurent. The earring winked at him.

nothing sexier than vocab

‘I’m glad I brought you along. I wasn’t expecting to have to tear things out of walls. Do you visit brothels often?’

i ask again: was laurent planning to do the pet thing without damen???

‘Not brothels. Camp followers?’ said Laurent. And then: ‘Slaves.’ And then, after the satisfaction of a pause: ‘Akielos, the garden of delights. So you enjoy slavery in others. Just not in yourself.’

get his ass laurent

Damen shifted on the long bench, and regarded him. ‘Don’t strain yourself,’ said Laurent. ‘You talk more,’ said Damen, ‘when you’re uncomfortable.’

i love this moment so much. damen is not giving laurent the satisfaction of his attempted blindsiding. if he's going to join laurent in this, they are going to commit to the bit as equals. laurent teases damen for his discomfort and damen teases him right back.

between the brothel and this scene, damen is correcting the dynamic he and laurent shared in the court and gardens of arles. it’s not that he refuses to play the game—but now, he insists upon playing with equal advantage.

(also: “you talk more when you’re uncomfortable” is a very true observation, and they both know it! after a few chapters of laurent being a boss ass bitch, it’s good to see him slightly humbled. especially when it’s damen doing the humbling.)

‘We’ll try to entertain ourselves. Who’s that?’ said Laurent.

kid in a candy shop behavior

Laurent was watching Volo with the same expression with which he had regarded the women in the brothel.

it’s like he’s playing the sims. like he took his self-made “laurent ofvere” sim to the club in a cunty outfit and now he’s trying to figure out what kinds of entertaining Situations he can provoke.

‘All right. Give me some coin. I want to play that man at cards.’ Laurent rose, leaning his weight against the table. Damen reached for the purse, then paused. ‘Aren’t you supposed to earn gifts with service?’ Laurent said, ‘Is there something you want?’ His voice was sinuous with promise; his gaze was steady as a cat’s. Damen, who preferred not to be eviscerated, tossed Laurent the purse. Laurent caught it in one hand, and took for himself a handful of copper and silver. He tossed the purse back to Damen as he made his way across the inn floor, seating himself opposite Volo.

I LOVE THEMMMM

Charls trusted the Prince to stand firm in negotiations with the bastard Akielon King more than he trusted the Regent uncle.

charls knows what he’s talking about

The Crown Prince was camped at Nesson this very minute, on his way to the border to stand up to Akielos. He was a young man serious about his responsibilities, Charls said. Damen had to make an effort not to look over at Laurent, gambling, when he said it.

incredible writing. 10/10

Laurent took the drink and picked his way back across the room, where he put it, untouched, in front of Damen. ‘Spoils of someone else’s victory.’

thoughtful <3 like when a cat brings its owner something it’s killed <3

Damen said, ‘If you wanted a drink and an old hat that badly, you could have just bought them from him. Cheaper and quicker.’ ‘It’s the game I like,’ said Laurent.

character-defining quote! laurent takes pleasure and pride in the chaos of improvisation. if everything was made simple for him, he wouldn’t be having any fun.

laurent has spent the last seven years of his life starved for enrichment in his enclosure. but he’s not in arles anymore—still a captive prince figuratively, but he’s finally having some fun >:)

He reached over and appropriated another coin out of the purse Damen carried, then palmed it. ‘Look, I’ve learned a new trick.’ When he opened his hand, it was empty, as if by magic. A second later, the coin dropped out of his sleeve onto the floor. Laurent frowned at it. ‘Well, I don’t have it quite yet.’ ‘If the trick is making coins disappear, I think you do have it, actually.’

they’d have this interaction in literally any au. modern, role reversal, whatever. just a cringefail theater nerd and his affectionately teasing prep-jock boyfriend.

(yes, damen is a prep. i’m sorry. look inside your heart and you’ll know it to be true.)

‘What’s the food like?’ said Laurent, his eyes on the table. Damen tore off a piece of bread, and held it like a treat to a house cat. ‘Try it.’ Laurent looked at the bread, and then he looked at the men by the fire, and then he looked at Damen, a long, cool look that would have been difficult to hold if Damen had not had, by now, a great deal of practice. And then he said, ‘All right.’ It took a moment for those words to penetrate. By the time they did, Laurent had settled next to him on the long bench. Laurent straddled it, facing Damen. Laurent was really going to do it. Pets in Vere made a teasing production out of this, flirting and making love to their masters’ hands. Laurent, when Damen brought the mouthful of bread to his lips, did none of those things. He maintained an essential fastidiousness. There was almost nothing of pet and master about it at all, except that Damen felt, just for an instant, the warmth of Laurent’s breath against his fingertips. Verisimilitude, thought Damen.

Laurent ate the bread. It was like feeding a predator, the same feeling. Laurent was so close that it would be easy to wrap a hand around the back of his neck and draw him closer. He remembered the feel of Laurent’s hair, his skin, and fought the urge to press against Laurent’s lips with the pads of his fingers. It was the earring. Laurent was always so austere. The earring reframed him. It gave the appearance of a sensual side, sophisticated and subtle. But that side didn’t exist. The glint of sapphires was dangerous. As Nicaise had been dangerous. Nothing in Vere was as it seemed. Another piece of bread. Laurent’s lips brushed against his fingertips. It was brief and soft. This wasn’t what he’d intended when he picked up the bread. He had some sense that his plans had been overturned, that Laurent knew exactly what he was doing. The touch resembled the first brush of lips in the kind of sensual kiss that begins as a series of smaller kisses, and then, slowly, deepens. Damen felt his breathing change.

He reminded himself forcefully of who this was. Laurent, his captor. He made himself recall the fall of each lash on his back, but thanks to some misfiring of the brain, found himself instead in the memory of Laurent’s wet skin in the baths, the way his limbs fitted together like a hilt fitted to the blade of a balanced sword. Laurent finished the morsel, then rested a hand on Damen’s thigh, and slowly slid it upward. ‘Control yourself,’ said Laurent. And shifted in, until, facing one another on the straddled bench, they were almost chest to chest. Laurent’s hair tickled against Damen’s cheek as he brought his lips to Damen’s ear. ‘You and I are almost the last ones here,’ Laurent murmured. ‘And so?’ The next murmur slid softly into Damen’s ear, so that he felt the shape of each word, made of lips and breath. ‘And so, take me upstairs,’ said Laurent. ‘Don’t you think we’ve waited long enough?’

craft… note…

i said i was going to analyze scenes like this in order to understand how they work and improve my own writing. like laurent, i take pride in committing to the bit.

overall, the eroticism here is in the improv. i’m sorry, but it’s true. "yes, and” is basically dirty talk in lamen. the long pauses, the mutual unspoken challenge, the suggestive performance… it all builds tension towards something exciting and unknown. damen and laurent’s connection, in this scene and the majority of the book, is like a string that they’re both pulling taut—and neither of them has any idea what will happen when it finally snaps.

i think it’s helpful to compare this moment with the garden scene from book 1. that erotic interaction was instructive and detached—laurent was completely in control, and ancel was there, doing something, probably. but here, damen and laurent are both actively and exclusively partaking, and encouraging each other to take it just a little bit further. they are close in a way they’ve never been before, figuratively and literally. they are exploring the space of the unfamiliar scene with good humor, mutual investment, and (from damen at least) unsubtle attraction.

if they weren’t so attracted to each other, it could truly just be an act. a performance. something they can put on to accomplish their mission, but drop as soon as it’s done. but here, i think, is when it becomes clear to damen that he and laurent can’t DO that. this territory is both unpredictable and too close for comfort, whether they’re approaching it ironically or earnestly. there’s no way for them to perform eroticism and remain instructive and detached. they are playing with fire.

damen realizes, when he feels laurent’s breath against his fingertips, that he can’t be normal about this. and he continues to think that, as i recall, for the remainder of the series.

laurent, meanwhile, will take much longer to have a similar realization, because that would mean inescapable attachment—something damen has never feared, but laurent fears more than anything else. like… emotional captivity, almost. (am i suggesting that attachment is emotional captivity? i think i am. hm, okay. anyway.)

with the way that this scene is written, we can see that things between damen and laurent are real. they’ve always been real, and they will continue to be real. the eroticism is in the improv, and we want them to continue “yes,and”-ing each other into a satisfying resolution. but, of course, the story is going to make us wait. and that just makes this scene even hotter.

from my breakdown of the book 1 garden scene:

i think what i like here, is that… yeah, it’s horny. it’s indulgent, easily the most blatant instance of kink we’ve seen so far. but it’s not really what i think frequent readers of this kink genre would expect, or even want to read—it is a subversion, with laurent completely disrupting the basic scenario that everyone else (but damen) in the scene wants to mindlessly enjoy.

how can i replicate this? set up a thing that follows expectations. don’t actually do the thing. do something significantly more insane than the expected thing. do not elaborate on the insane thing, leaving more questions than answers, and move on as if it wasn’t insane at all.

set up a thing that follows expectations = damen is playing master and laurent is playing pet. i think most people would expect damen’s archetype to exercise power over laurent’s archetype in that sort of situation, especially since he’s been denied the opportunity to assert his dominance in previous circumstances. i don’t know a lot about common dynamics in this specific kink space, but i do kind of assume that people would want to see laurent submit, both because of his characterization and physical appearance. and this would be an ideal place to indulge that expectation, characterization and plot be damned, since it can be called an act and stripped of actual consequences.

don’t actually do the thing = pacat doesn’t give an inch of her characterization to provide easy fanservice. the scene is erotic simply by suggestion, and laurent is almost entirely in charge—the instigator and the star of the show. damen, meanwhile, is physically passive and deeply confused by his own feelings and reactions. this is all consistent with their characterization in non-erotic scenes so far. they are acting here, but not as a “normal” master and pet. i don’t think they could be normal, even if they tried.

do something significantly more insane than the expected thing = check. see analysis above.

do not elaborate on the insane thing, leaving more questions than answers, and move on as if it wasn’t insane at all = check. yaoi break’s over, back to the secret mission.

The lobe of Laurent’s ear was pierced through with the ornament of his uncle’s child-lover. It suited him, in the mundane sense that it matched his colouring.

this happens during the bread scene, but i wanted it quarantined. way to harsh the vibe, damen

And there was a man of about thirty with a dark, closely trimmed beard sitting on the bed, who propelled himself off it and onto one knee when he saw Laurent. Damen sat down rather heavily on the chair by the door.

laurent launching into a clandestine business meeting while damen is still trying desperately to fight off the horny. lmao

The man drew a piece of sealed parchment from inside his jacket. Laurent took it, broke the seal, and read the contents. He read it slowly. From the glimpse Damen caught, it looked like it was written in a cipher. When he was done, he dropped the parchment into the fire, where it curled up and blacked over.

context: fuck, i don’t remember what this is. i don’t know. it doesn’t matter. like damen, i'm still thinking about the bread scene

‘I’m the type who takes a great deal of pleasure in small victories,’ Laurent said.

Laurent unpinned the earring. ‘I think we’ll be safe on the road in the morning. The men who followed us seemed more interested in finding him than harming me. They didn’t attack us when they had the chance tonight.’ And then, ‘Does that door lead to the bath?’ And then, halfway to the door, ‘Don’t worry, your services aren’t required.’

laurent drops the act so quickly. at a loss for any logical conclusion about what the fuck just happened, i think damen just decides to pretend he’s equally unaffected

i do wonder how laurent acted as soon as he shut the door and got some priavcy, though. hm.

When he was gone, Damen wordlessly picked up an armful of bedding and dumped it on the floor by the hearth. Then there was nothing to do. He went downstairs. The only patrons now remaining were Volo and the house boy, who weren’t paying any attention to anyone else. The house boy’s sand-coloured hair was a tousled mess. He went all the way outside the inn and stood for a moment; the cool night air was calming. The street was empty. The messenger was gone. It was very late. It was peaceful here. He couldn’t stay out here all night. Recalling that Laurent had eaten nothing but a few fraught mouthfuls of bread, he stopped by the kitchens on his way back upstairs and requisitioned a plate of bread and meats. When he went back into the room, Laurent had emerged from the bath and was half clothed and sitting drying his damp hair by the fire, taking up the majority of the space on Damen’s impromptu bed. ‘Here,’ said Damen, and passed him the plate.

okay, so here’s my read of this entire sequence: damen tries to get some space from his own recently-realized attraction to laurent. he remarks that it is peaceful outside, where he manages to get himself that space. and THEN he immediately tells himself to go back inside, because he can’t stay out there all night—can’t leave laurent alone for too long. he picks up food specifically for laurent on his way back up, sets things up nicely for them both, and greets him as if he never even left at all.

this is a parallel, i think, to the scene where damen abandons laurent in book 1. i just want to get that easy part of the analysis out of the way.

what i really find interesting here, is that it’s almost like… damen’s decision to accept his own attachment to laurent. he accepted his attraction to laurent during the bread scene, but attraction is a passive response. attachment is an active choice.

if attachment is emotional captivity, then this interlude is damen admitting to himself that he doesn’t want to be free. he knows what his heart wants—and unlike laurent, damen isn’t afraid to trust others with his heart. he doesn’t yet believe that laurent would treat his heart gently, which is exactly why he doesn’t give it to him. but privately, i think this is when damen finally admits to himself that his feelings are not only real, but also worth pursuing.

so he “yes, and”s the feeling, goes back inside, and fully commits to the bit, making sure that laurent is well-fed and cared for. if he’s going to do this, he might as well do it right.

‘Thank you,’ said Laurent, looking at the plate with a blink. ‘The bath is free. If you like.’

laurent’s little blink is very cute. and then he tells damen to go take a bath, so he (laurent) can privately process whatever the hell this is all supposed to mean

He told himself that this was no different from two dozen nights together inside of a warfield tent.

… but he knew that he was totally lyinggggggg

When he returned, Laurent had carefully eaten half of everything on the plate, and had placed it on the chest where Damen could get at it if he wanted it. Damen, who had eaten his fill downstairs and who didn’t think Laurent should be able to take over his bed when he had left untouched the vast comfort of his own, ignored the plate and came to stake his claim beside Laurent, on the blankets by the hearth.

head in my fucking hands. i love them so much. no thoughts, just domestic comfort. and they were roommates.

‘I thought that Volo was your contact,’ said Damen. ‘I just wanted to play him at cards,’ said Laurent.

great exchange. damen assumes that laurent does everything for a strategic reason. laurent just wanted to have fun. they’re breaking down their preconceived notions of each other, finally.

After a moment, Laurent said, ‘I don’t think I would have arrived here without your help, at least not without being followed. I am glad you came. I meant that. You were right. I’m not used to . . .’ He broke off.

from chapter 5: “You’re too used to doing everything on your own.” :’)

‘You’re in a strange mood,’ said Damen. ‘Stranger than usual.’ ‘I’d say I’m in a good mood.’ ‘A good mood.’ ‘Well, not as good a mood as Volo,’ said Laurent. ‘But the food’s decent, the fire’s warm, and no one’s tried to kill me in the last three hours. Why not?’

‘I’ve seen your court,’ Damen reminded him gently. ‘You’ve seen my uncle’s court,’ said Laurent.

excellent response for both damen and the reader to chew on

Would yours be any different? He didn’t say it. Maybe he didn’t need to know the answer. The king that Laurent would be, he was becoming with every passing day, but the future was another life. Laurent would not then be leaning back on his hands, lazily drying his hair before an inn-room fire, or climbing in and out of brothel windows. Nor would Damen.

a kingdom or this?

so far, damen has been able to tell himself that helping laurent is a way for him to help akielos—that he will leave laurent, as soon as he feels that his country is safe.

it’s going to get harder and harder for him to believe that, though, from now on. he did not just go back inside for akielos. if he had, he wouldn’t have stopped to find laurent a meal.

the lives in damen and laurent’s futures are just as real as their ruse downstairs. as in, only as real as they choose for them to be. so far, they’ve both assumed their own eventual choices, and each other’s, to be very set in stone. after this outing, i think damen at least begins to reconsider.

‘What really happened to make Kastor send you here? I know it was not a lover’s quarrel,’ said Laurent.

context reminder: he is asking this, fully knowing that damen is damianos. this definitely threatens his own cognitive dissonance. but he still asks, because he is vulnerable and relaxed.

I don’t know what I did to make him hate me as much as this. Why we couldn’t go as brothers to mourn— —our father—

i love damen as a character so much. beneath his determination to conflate niceness with goodness, is the crushing despair of knowing deep down that he can't trust people to treat him in the honorable way he treats them. he’s not angry or spiteful about this, even though he has every reason to be—just confused, and sad, and betrayed.

a younger laurent must have felt this way after his brother’s death and during his uncle’s abuse. but then came anger and spite, because he had no one to trust.

these characters were literally made for each other, like on a construction/craft level, and you can tell. it is really, really well-done.

‘My honourable barbarian. I wouldn’t have picked that as your type.’ ‘Type?’ ‘A pretty face, a devious mind and a ruthless nature.’

i love the mild anachronism of “type” here. also, lol. a rare moment of laurent not realizing his own dramatic irony, because there’s no way in hell he thinks at this point that damen genuinely likes him. also, i’m not sure if laurent sees himself as ruthless at all. he is pragmatic, but i don’t think he considers himself merciless or cruel.

‘Perhaps I . . . I knew she was ruled by her mind, not her heart. I knew she was ambitious, and, yes, at times ruthless. I admit there was something . . . attractive about it. But I never guessed that she would betray me for Kastor. That I learned too late.’ ‘Auguste was like you,’ said Laurent. ‘He had no instinct for deception; it meant he couldn’t recognise it in other people.’

i love it when my previous analysis is further reinforced by the text

And what about you?’ said Damen, after a difficult breath. ‘I have a highly developed instinct for deception.’ ‘No, I meant—’ ‘I know what you meant.’

when he’s relaxed, laurent talks like a total nerd. awkward attempts at irony, defensive self-awareness, and an obvious desire to be the most clever person in the room.

Now, after a night of earrings and brothels, he thought: Why not ask him about it? Laurent didn’t look uncomfortable.

the fact that damen has not only noticed laurent’s discomfort with the topic of sex, but is also considerate and thoughtful about it, makes my heart ache

‘I wondered,’ Damen said, carefully, ‘if you reserved your love for women.’ ‘No, I—’ Laurent sounded surprised. Then he seemed to realise that his surprise gave something fundamental away, and he looked away with a muttered breath; when he looked back at Damen there was a wry smile on his lips, but he said, steadily, ‘No.’

i’m guessing laurent’s thought process went something like this:

me, straight? lmfao i’ve had sex with a man

but that man was [redacted]. shit.

but damen doesn’t know about [redacted], so why does he assume i’m straight?

oh, i’ve got it. in my culture heterosexuality is taboo with the nobility, so damen would assume that i’m secretly straight and hiding it. dumbass. (smiles, because now he gets to call damen a dumbass)

‘It’s not my fault that no one in your country can think in a straight line,’ said Damen, frowning a touch defensively.

not the veretian homonormativity 😭

‘That isn’t why. She would have chosen him even if you’d had royal blood in your veins, even if you’d had the same blood as Kastor. You don’t understand the way a mind like that thinks. I do. If I were Jokaste and a king maker, I’d have chosen Kastor over you too.’

i’m pretty sure laurent means this as both a comfort and compliment. it also helps to reinforce his own cognitive dissonance between damen and damianos.

‘Because a king maker would always choose the weaker man. The weaker the man, the easier he is to control.’ Damen felt the shock of surprise, and looked at Laurent only to find Laurent gazing back at him without rancour. The moment stretched out. It wasn’t . . . it wasn’t what he had expected Laurent to say. As he gazed at Laurent, the words moved through him in unexpected ways, and he felt them touch something jagged-edged within him, felt them shift it a first, tiny fraction, something lodged hard and deep, that he had thought immovable. He said: ‘What makes you think Kastor is the weaker man? You don’t know him.’ ‘But I’m coming to know you,’ said Laurent.

this pulls everything between the lines of this chapter together beautifully. the mutual re-evaluation, the undeniable reality of their connection, a kingdom or this. i would love to know just how many drafts and editing passes this specific chapter went through, to achieve this degree of excellence.

also, a theme from book 1: "there is no honor in obedience."

[vestaclinicpod]

Audio Drama Sunday - 21st July ✨

This week was very very much girlbeingfedpancakes.jpg with so many of my favourite shows coming back from hiatus!! 🥞

👻 @tellnotalespod (S2E13) Here’s the thing: I had the absolute pleasure of meeting Leanne a few weeks ago and took the opportunity to ask when Louisa was going to gtfo of the narrative. I now see why they laughed 😭 While I am happy that Julia has pretty much forgiven Leo, I think she should take a few more mins to realise why she can’t stay mad!! And oh my god, RILEY. I’m joining the crowd of ‘I knew it!!’ screamers! If anyone can shake off a possession it’s Riley fucking Matkins but I am terrified that Leo is going to be put in a position where they have to choose between Riley and Frank. I’m worried it won’t be such a straightforward decision for them… 

🌲 @hellofromthehallowoods (159) The assumption at the start of this episode was entirely correct. I also LOVED the little extended metaphor about The Auditor being a scalpel, imagine dropping a line like that in a real confrontation 🥵 I’m so glad to have my beloved hallowoods back, even if a few of the twists in this episode made my stomach twist also (seriously, Marco!!! You have a child!!!!!). 

🧳 Travelling Light @monstrousproductions (27) I loved the depiction of alien technology in this episode, I really just want to visit this fish market and take everything in!! Very exciting to hear also that a deal might be coming soon. I have been missing my favourite little Óli these last few eps . . . I hope they haven’t been distancing themself from the Traveller :( 

🖥️ The Magnus Protocol (22) okay, so I really love neuroscience and listening to the experiment in this episode was too funny to be scary but what did make me nervous was Sam finally being driven firmly towards investigating the Institute further. I’m sure it’s going to end well. And those names at the end… why are they so familiar…? 

🧋I finished E12 of @hinaypod - what a cliffhanger!! I’m disconcerted by this CJ person even if she does seem to be protecting Laura. 

🦋 I started @remnantspod this week! I’ve only listened to the first episode so far but, my god, Eira knows how to tell a story. I’m so intrigued and excited to see where this show leads!  

🗺 So lovely to have @tales-from-the-low-city back in my ears! It remains one of the most soothing things I have ever listened to, but the music in this episode did a great job of building tension while waiting for the all clear! 

I have not yet been brave enough to listen to the first part of The Silt Verses Finale this week, but I am post-nights tomorrow and plan to spend all day listening to both parts and crying 🦀 

Also, as a special mention, it’s not really audio drama, but it is: I finished Tell No Tales creator Leanne Egan's book Lover Birds this morning. It is SO cute and so wonderfully nostalgic as I got together with my now wife at around the same age as the girls in the book 🥹 I’m filled with queer, Northern pride after reading it and if you’re looking for a summer read that will pull on your heart strings just the right amount, PLEASE support Leanne and grab a copy!! 🌈

[wereoz]

rewatching s1&2 and seeing the spencelle interactions has made me believe new things about their relationship. bear in mind i think a lot of things surrounding romance are very ambiguous so it’s hard to define the stages in a relationship but i think it mostly goes like this:

i think while neither had any strong feelings before ‘derailed’, all their interactions built the foundation and there was chemistry, like elle trying to get everyone to not talk about reid failing his firearms qualification and them hanging out in garcia’s office that ep.

then in ‘derailed’, while the stakes are high, their feelings come to the surface and are tested: so while reid hasn’t initiated much with elle, he says ‘it’s alright, elle’ in a tone i can’t really describe - tender? reassuring? and after, he’s the one sitting close to her, joking with her, rubbing her knee (such a cute interaction).

elle during this ep is the same, she has already shown interest (in my opinion) but it increases to me as she’s quite timid saying he saved her life, and is concerned for him, trying to ask about him saying he ‘knows what it’s like’ being delusional.

so: feelings have developed on both sides.

however, i think afterwards the course of those feelings is different for elle and reid. i noticed that elle, in the next ep, gives reid a look that is very affectionate (and very gif-ed on tumblr), and she is the one who was quite jealous while reid was with lilah for that ep, which makes me believe that elle had become aware of her feelings, and they were closer to her because of that. of course, her job is very important to her so she can’t date a coworker -remember the fraternisation rules?- and i feel like her being older means she can control and hide her feelings better than when reid realises

wheras reid is continuing on as normal, even …. well not ‘pursuing’ lilah he was the one being pursued 😭 but? open to it? so i think that being so young, a character who finds accessing his emotions to be difficult, and having become self sufficient at a young age, his feelings aren’t intruding and he can continue on without thinking he likes elle romantically. just to say: i don’t think this means he doesn’t care about elle, i just think he’s a 24 year old who needs… room? he’s barely had any romantic experience yet, and he’s been isolated from his peers which makes social connections difficult; he needed time anyway.

(also: reid -similarly to elle- needs this job, i feel like dating a coworker feels veeeery off limits for him)

then the fisher king……. dear god…..

HOWEVER post fisher king, in s2 the theme is ‘develop spencelle right before they breakdown so it hurts more’: upon reid and elle interacting for the first time in 4 months, they seem utterly besotted. they say ‘if it isn’t dr reid’ and ‘wow… elle’ so nervously, followed up by them awkwardly and sincerely complimenting each other’s hair, while reid is nervous elle doesn’t like it….. wow.

i take reid’s behaviour as: during those 4 months without elle, it set in how much danger elle was really in, and that he almost lost her, which he didn’t have energy to confront after being more concerned about his mother in the fisher king eps (understandable). and, similarly to how ‘derailed’ shifted his feelings, he changes again to more concerned about elle, and conscious of her.

reid and elle are forced to be in proximity as he has been assigned to watch over her……. i love this for many reasons because reid has no control over her at all so she’s really taking him for a ride, they have really cute interactions (‘no i didn’t!’ ‘yes you did!’) and i think it was a great way to develop them by giving an obvious reason for spending more time together. (also they just look so cute together…..<33)

AND NOW for a moment that brings me great fucking emotion (it’s sweet & romantic but heartbreaking :(( <//3) the hotel scene!!

what stands out to me first is the few seconds before the hotel scene, when reid is alone in his room and fidgeting nervously. it was shown after everyone else working on the case, so the implication is that was what worried him until he dashes out of the room to see elle - he was so worried about her!!! he was also one of the only ones and the first one who went to her about her being attacked, so once again: he’s really changed the dynamic, and he’s very involved here.

so heartbreaking that what made him realise he likes elle is the reason they couldn’t be together…. <///3

[toptophat]

Top Hat's thoughts on the FNAF movie (Spoilers)

I thoroughly enjoyed it! Smiled throughout the whole thing

As a FNAF fan, seeing some key moments from the games as well as acknowledging the fandom (e.g Game theory's MatPat and The Living Tombstone's iconic song at the credits) made my jaw drop

FNAF veterans such as Dawko enjoyed it so that made me optimistic

The animatronics were replicated perfectly and the entire set for the restaurant is just too beautiful

Scenes such as the break-in, while not exactly scary, were still intense enough to keep me invested

Unpopular opinion - I kinda liked the pillow fort scene, it was cheesy but it could be seen as the animatronics trying to gain Abby's trust to lure her to be stuffed into a suit. Also I'm jealous, i wanna make a pillow fort with them 😭

And here's where I'll address (some of) the main critiques people gave to the movie (references: anything in the media that would link to this in a way)

"The movie wasn't scary at all, it should've been gory"

Yeah, I agree, even though I got shocked a couple of times (like the balloon boy gag) it wasn't really terrifying

But honestly, after watching countless "playthroughs" as a kid, you start to realise... The games were never that scary in the first place

To be honest, the only thing scary about it was actually some areas in the fandom (you know who you are..)

I'm aware that FNAF was never for kids, no matter how many elsagate vids were made on it. So it would make sense for it to have blood and gore. It definitely would've made scenes like the spring lock scene more traumatising to look back at

You know what else was expected to be more adult oriented? Cuphead's Netflix adaptation. While I understand that both of these beloved franchises could've been adapted to be more adult, it can also be noted that the Cuphead show is actually accepted by the fandom as while it did have a rocky start with S1, it showed that the writers were testing the waters to try something new, and by S2, they had a better idea of what they wanted, and a lot of people fell in love with it. While it would've definitely been cool to see more gore, it wouldn't improve the movie automatically

"The movie doesn't follow the original lore"

While, yes, it would've been cool to see all theories confirmed by Scott himself during the film, it's also good to remember this: they're called "adaptations" for a reason

Many popular franchises, when adapted to the big/small screen can experience changes in the known story and lore as a way to bring this fresh new start and perspective, they never aim to continue or tell the story again when it wasn't necessary in the first place (*cough cough* Lion King 2019). Last time I checked: Luigi wasn't the one who gets kidnapped by Bowser (SMB23), Cuphead never lost the right to his soul due to a carnival game (TCS), The Echidnas never had beef with freaking owls over the master emerald (The Sonic movies)

Let's be honest here, Scott may have made FNAF, but all the popular fan theories wrote the story, so everything is kinda messy. Maybe this was Scott's chance to rewrite everything, to start over and stray away from the messy lore that others made, MatPat seemed to be cool with it, he was even in the damn movie!

While, there have been times when repeating the same story makes it stale and repetitive (Disney), Changing important elements of the story (Also Disney) can make it unfaithful and pointless, so I understand that.

The changes that were made in this movie were interesting, making Vanessa, Afton's daughter could add more impact on the whole Vanny thing as she's been around this horrible man her whole life. Not making Mike, Abby and Garrett, Afton's children doesn't really deepen the personal connection and conflict between Mike and Afton so it'll be interesting to see how that one goes especially with Circus Baby now that Abby has no real connection to Afton other than that one encounter

Also I heard from one review that the movies take more inspiration from the books, but I don't have enough knowledge on the books to elaborate on that argument

Unless there's some weird twist, which is highly unlikely, I'd love to see how they develop these newly established dynamics if there are sequels being planned (pls make more, I need to see how this goes)

Besides, like I said, often, the first movies, seasons etc are there to experiment, it has the potential to improve in each new installment. For example, JJBA, it took until around parts 3-4 for Araki to have a better idea of what he wanted it to be.

Conclusion

That's about all I really have to say. I understand that many had high expectations going in and, who wouldn't? It shows we value ourselves and that we want to experience things that are worth our time. People are not obligated to love everything and don't have to agree with everything I said. I personally found the movie to be enjoyable and worth my time, and, while i know it lacked in some aspects, who knows?, as it progresses, opinions could change and if we get more of the revamped FNAF, then, we could see if it changed for the better or for the worse. And while first impressions do matter, it won't always be the same impression moving forward (for people who liked and didn't like the movie)

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!

[kyyuri]

the sweet whisperings of you and i (plays like a broken record )

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚ ☁️ synopsis ; after spending many years longing for a friend group of her own, fate presents yn with a chance to make that long wait end, at the expense of her three year long relationship with nishimura riki - but was fate really that cruel ? or was there perhaps sabotage ?

pairing // non- idol ! riki x fem ! yn

genre // angst, a bit of fluff , lovers to ex to lovers

warnings // curse words, toxic friends

a/n ! SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN UPLOADING THIS 😭 would be going on a mini hiatus ( two weeks-ish ? ) as i have a lot of submission to do for school 🥲 encore ! would definitely be back soon ! don’t forget to support enhypen’s comeback ! the trailer was insane and im here for it ! PLEASE DONT FORGET TO LET ME KNOW HOW YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT THIS ONE SHOT !

wc; 11.6k (not proof read )

[main masterlist ]

i.

growing up with parents that were filthy rich yet never present in her life, yn was subjected to many struggles in life. it was only normal for her to wish for her parents’ presence during the hardest times — but yn’s wishes never came true and it never will. materialism isn’t something yn is unfamiliar with. her parents’ have long decided that love is anything money can buy and so, yn spent her entire life craving for something far beyond money.

after spending so much time alone, it wasn’t easy for yn to get used to an environment packed with human presence, high school. it didn’t take long for her to be outcasted either. despite her pretty looks, yn was never a fool when it came to people attempting to take advantage of her for monetary reasons. her constant rejections made many upset and so the rumours began spreading like wildfire and everyone ran with it. those were some painful days for yn. she would recall running into the arms of her driver for a warm hug whenever a new rumour appears out of nowhere. “ did i do something wrong ?” it was a question her driver often heard, “no darling, people are just harsh creatures who work hard to get what they want, even if their methods are unethical.”

there was only one thing ( or maybe two ) that yn looked forward to in her high school days. the time she invested in the photography club. since her parents couldn’t be there for her physically, she would spend hours living through pictures of others vicariously, making up fake scenarios of her with her parents. that led to her realising her never ending love for photography. although, the members there treated her poorly, she never once complained. it was also then, she met the one and only nishimura riki. up till now, yn still has no clue why riki approached her instead of shunning her like the rest. it was the start of a beautiful friendship which ultimately blossomed into something much more, to say the very least.

ii.

just like that, riki has been through thick and thin with yn, but this time as her boyfriend of three years. riki thinks she’s the most precious person in the entire world and yn think he is her entire world. the love they shared was believed to be eternal, considering how they were always stuck to the hips yet never once got bored of each other. yn’s insecurities ? riki knew them all by heart as well as how to counter them - how to make her feel loved. riki’s hobbies ? she have them all engraved onto the back of her head - always ready to learn more about them so riki would know how much she supported him and the things he take a liking for.

for three years, they were the perfect couple. for three years, nothing could come between them, not friends, not families and not even the worst arguments. riki knew of yn’s family background and so he made sure to never end the day with any of them upset with each other. it was one of the sweetest things he could do for his loved one.

just like any other normal night, riki laid in bed with his arms wrapped comfortably around yn. “i promise this is the last time i will bring this up, but are you sure you don’t want to meet my friends ? you guys might have a blast together !” he looked at her fondly, “it’s alright, ki. i want to be able to approach people on my own and be friends with them ! i haven’t had much opportunities in high school so i think i should step out of my comfort zone now that i’m going to university !” yn answered, snuggling closer to riki. “thank you for always keeping me in your thoughts.” riki laughed softly, “you practically live in my mind rent free. “

iii.

things were always easier with riki by her side. it was almost as if nishimura riki was her soulmate since the very start. she made up for his shortcomings and he made up for hers. they were always willing to accommodate to each other, never afraid to grow in each other’s presence. this was one of the things many people secretly admired about their relationship. it became crystal clear to yn that nishimura riki would inevitably be her first and last love because if she had a list of reasons why she loved him, it would never end. the moments they spent together were so well cherished, they often played inside her mind like a broken record - giving her ample amount of time to reminisce about those beautiful memories. to yn, nothing was worth trading the good memories riki created with her. to think riki could love her even at her worst was truly unbelievable ( at least to her).

when she first had her period while dating him and so unfortunately stained the pants she had worn that day, riki didnt make a big fuss about it at all. “ki, stop coming closer. please ?” “what’s wrong ?” she looked around flustered, unable to come up with an explanation that wouldn’t leave her feeling embarrassed or awkward. “did i do something wrong ? “ she shook her head, still pressing her lips together. “then… can you at least tell me why i can’t come closer ?” riki looked a bit upset at how adamant she was in making him stay away. yn pressed her back harder against the wall, hoping to at least slide past him and into the restroom. observing her body language, it finally hit him what had inevitably happened. “give me a minute. don’t go anywhere. i’ll be back really quickly. “ he most definitely stayed true to his words, in less than a minute, he came running back to her with the sweats he kept in his locker for dance practice. “here. you can change into these. when you’re done, wait here for me. i’ll go grab some painkillers and a bag for you to keep your clothes in.”

when yn first got a part time job so she could pay for riki’s birthday present, she had a hard time adjusting to the crazy schedule. thankfully for her, riki was always there to welcome her in a warm embrace when she returned home. “bad day ?” he pulled her towards the sofa he was seated on, “yeah. the manager keeps giving me backhanded compliments. i hate it there. and you should let me go now, i haven’t showered yet, i probably smell.” this only made riki tighten the hug even more. “ i haven’t seen you since school ended, im not letting you go that easily. you know, if you really have a hard time working there, you can always quit. whatever you need money for you can just tell me, i’ll go get a job instead and buy it for you.” such a sweet boy, always caring about how she feels and willing to sacrifice his time for her. “that won’t be necessary. i want to do this on my own. i won’t push myself to the limit, you know this ki. i’ll quit if it goes too far. thank you for thinking of me.” he hummed in reply. “well, i got something for you that might help take your mind of that witch ! its in the fridge right now, you can have it whenever you want. “ riki loosened his grip, resulting in the girl to run towards the kitchen instantly. “is that the strawberry cake from the newly opened store ? the one with a 3 hour long queue ?” she examined the cake slowly. “yeah ! i figured i might as well get it while waiting for you to end your shift. it was so annoying waiting under the sun but the smile on your face right now made it so worth it.” he gave her a cheeky smile.

when yn finally managed to get the gift she worked hard for, riki was there to celebrate it with her (even though it was quite literally meant for him). “ki ! remember how i said i wanted to get the thing i needed on my own ? well i did it ! i also resigned from that shitty place. “ “THAT’S GREAT ! c’mon ! let’s go out for dinner to celebrate ! my treat !” he spunned yn around from happiness. riki didn’t ask any questions, he was just glad that yn was free from the misery that came along with working in that store. he was also glad that he was now able to spend more time with her again. once yn’s feet touched the ground, she put her hand up, almost as if she was signalling him to stop. “why not you take a look at what i bought ! i can’t be excited about it alone.” taking the bag from her, riki took a peak. inside the bag, sat a beautiful wrapped nintendo switch with a console customised to suit riki’s aesthetics. “no way ! you got a switch ! i’ve always wanted one ! i’ll get one soon and then we can play together !” he reached his hand out to return the switch to her, “it’s for you, ki. it’s an early birthday present ! that’s why i was so persistent on working to get it for you. i wanted to use my own money to buy a gift for you. i thought it would be more meaningful than getting it using my parents’ money.” she could’ve sworn she saw riki tear up. “yn, have i ever told you how much i love you ?” he melted into her embrace, trying to stop himself from sniffling like a little child. “ everyday, nishimura. i’m well aware of it.”

iv.

the first day of university was the one of the days yn considered the hardest. orientation was the bane of her existence and yet she was powerless in this situation. it didn’t help at all knowing riki was placed in a completely different orientation group because of the degree he was pursuing in arts ( while yn chose one in fashion ) . sulking, she waved him a final goodbye before dragging her footwear with much exaggeration. he chuckled at his girlfriend’s cute antics before running up to give her one last hug, “love, you’re going to be fine. you’ll meet plenty of nice people there and your dorm mates as well ! i’ll text you whenever i can so give this group a chance ?” she nodded her head at riki’s words, still pouting.

life without riki was … boring. she didn’t need anyone else by her side, she just needs riki. her attempts at distracting herself by drawing circles on the ground with her fingers were working until two female pop up in front of her face. “you’re yn right ? im yuju. this is minhee. we are your dorm mates ! i hope we get along well !” the female reached her hands out. smiling, she took her hand gladly. this was yn giving the group a chance and knowing riki, he would be beaming with joy if he saw this scene with his own eyes.

this conversation led to many more exchanged within the trio. within the period of a short day, yn had learnt many things. two of which being that minhee and yuju had been best friends since elementary and that minhee had a boyfriend, jaehyeok in the same university as well. “i hope you understand if jaehyeok comes by the dorms often !” minhee exclaimed, directing her statement at yn. “that’s fine by me as long as my boyfriend gets to come by as well.” “you have a boyfriend ?” yuju shot her a look of disbelief. yn smiled back in response. “no way.. im the only one single here ?! what’s his name ?” “nishimura riki.” the look minhee and yuju exchanged was one that confuses her a lot but she doesn’t question it, not wanting to make them uncomfortable considering how they are one step away from forging a friendship. “interesting…” was all yuju could managed subsequently.

for the first time in awhile, yn felt like she was alive. it felt so good having friends of the same gender after being left alone for half of her life. it made her feel even better knowing that these girls were the ones that were going to be with her 24/7 thanks to their dormitory placement. “im so happy ! i’m literally floating right now. they were so nice and relatable ?! yuju was so supportive of me the whole time and minhee is so good at planning. she even got the whole layout of our dorm settled and suited for our needs. i fucking love them so much.” riki chuckled at her excitement, its been a while since he has seen her this happy. kissing her forehead, riki smiled, “it makes me happy seeing you this excited. i hope they continue to treat you well. let me know if you guys ever need help, okay ?”

“would you be able to help me move my stuff to the dorms today ? when you’re done moving yours of course.”

“im down to help at seven. you need anything else ?” yn shooked her head.

v.

seven came and rolled by real fast. the door bell rang and yuju shot up immediately, “i’ll get it.” no one thought much of it since minhee also made sure everyone knew that her boyfriend, junhyeon was dropping by to help out as well. “nishimura riki ?” yuju leaned against the door frame. “how do you know my name ?” his brows furrowed, “yn told me about you. i’ve heard plenty. im yuju.” she offered a hand to shake only for riki to decline it with a smile, “im here to help my girlfriend so can you let me in ? thanks.” biting her cheeks, she moved aside for him to enter. “ ki ! you’re here !” “hello love.” yn ran into his hands, allowing him to spin her around in a circle. “let’s get to unpacking hm ? the faster we do this, the more time we can spend watching slam dunk.” she nodded in excitement before dragging him towards her room.

“what do you think about him ?” yuju whispered to minhee. “who ?” “nishimura.” minhee shot her a look, “let’s not talk about it while he’s here, ju.”

being with riki always made everything feel more fun than it should be. unpacking ? that’s a competition waiting to be won right there. cleaning up ? first one to grab the best tool gets to use it to clean. life would rarely be boring and this was definitely one of the boring moments in life that riki made enjoyable for yn. “how am i supposed to clean the window with a broom ?” yn pouted, “hey. you grabbed it, not me.” riki laughed and as much as he was definitely following the rules, he would ALWAYS make sure to help yn - who always grabs the wrong tools out of frenzy - to clean up with her tool. she grabbed a broom to clean a window ? no worries, by the time riki is done, that broom would magically become a stick attached to a wet cloth.

“anddddddd we are done.” riki fell onto the bed from exhaustion. “ewwww ki, we are literally disgusting right now. let’s change out first, your hoodie and sweats are still in my closet.” and by the time the couple was done, they were snuggled closely with her laptop placed on the pillow with slam dunk playing. it didn’t take long for the couple to fall asleep with their hands wrapped around each other tightly.

vi.

when yn woke up to a missing riki and the delicious smell of pancakes floating in the air, she jumped out of bed and sprinted towards the dining area. “good morning yn.” yuju and minhee greeted as they sit across each other, indulging in a plate of riki’s self made breakfast. “good morning love. you can go get your teeth brushed first, i saved you a plate and i made bungeoppang and bought some banana milk too. come eat when you’re ready.” giving riki her signature cheeky smile, she dashed into the bathroom. “you know riki, you’re a really great boyfriend. yn is lucky to have you. thank you for the breakfast, it was really good. ”yuju smiled. he looked around the room awkwardly, “um, thanks ? honestly, im the one who is lucky. i can’t believe i even got yn to date me… im glad you enjoyed the meal though, it’s yn’s favourite.”

“ki ! ki ! the food critic is ready.” riki chuckled at his girlfriend’s antics, looking at her full of love despite her childish side showing. “eat well my little duckling.” riki thinks he could watch yn eat all day long and he would never once get sick of it. when he first found out that yn hasn’t had a home cooked meal in the longest time due to her parent’s lack of care, he took it upon himself to master the art of cooking just so she could taste the slightest feeling of homeliness. the first few times he tried to whip up a meal almost resulted in the fire department being called to make a trip to his area. the challenges he faced didn’t stop there. when he tried again the following week, using his sisters as his lab rats, the stiffened look on their face confirmed his failure. time and time again, he failed to make something that could be on par to that of a homely meal. he had to beg his grandmother to teach him her ways just so he could shower yn with the love that her inner child deserves. all the cooking lessons he got definitely did not go to waste, and with many burn scars and cuts on his hands, he proudly presented to her a lunchbox full of love.

“thank you for the meal ! i owe you one. you should probably get going though, class starts in an hour and if you stay any longer, i just might ditch to stare at your face.” she hugged him, “wouldn’t that be a win for me ?” he wiggled his eyebrows before the two exchanged sickeningly sweet “i love you”s and bid each other farewell.

“gosh, its like you guys are attached to the hip.” minhee giggled at the sight before her. “i guess i’ve grown to be a little reliant on him. “ a fond smile attach onto yn’s face.

vii.

having friends taking the same degree as her definitely made university more endurable. “what the flying fuck is wrong with the professor ? its only our first week and we suddenly have a solo project each ? he drops the most vague description of what we are supposed to do and calls it a day ?” minhee tugged at her hair in annoyance. “it looks like the other departments aren’t having it easy either, riki just texted saying that he has a full painted portrait assigned, due in a month.” yn sighed. “this isn’t the university life i had in mind. all i wanted to do was get a degree while partying and falling in love. let’s just mug tomorrow, i have no mood for this today. ” yuju stuffed a bunch of sketches down into her bag.

once the trio returned to the warmth of their dormitory, the collapsed to the ground immediately. “hey yn, is riki coming over again ?” yn hummed, agreeing to the statement. “i’ll go get changed first, help me let him in if he arrives earlier than expected.” upon receiving a thumbs up from minhee, the girl headed towards her room. “i have a crush on riki.” yuju whispered out of the blue. minhee sat up, eyes wide open in shock. “what ?! have you lost your mind ? he’s TAKEN. by YOUR roommate.” minhee whispered back. “it doesn’t matter. i think he’s attractive and he is my walking ideal type. i WANT him, and besides its not like i like yn a lot anyways. she’s so annoying, riki this riki that.” silence fell upon the two. “help me sabotage their relationship. please. you’re my bestfriend.” “okay.”

the sudden knock on the main door sent the two into a shock, considering how they were scheming for someone else’s downfall. “nishimura, you’re here. you can wait by the couch. yn is getting changed.” yuju batted her eyelashes. he doesn’t reply, just giving her a blank stare - one enough to make her a flustered mess. “riki ! you’re here !” “love ! come give me a cuddle !” he pushed past the girl standing by the door and jogged towards his girlfriend. their sweet moment didn’t last long. not with the other two around scheming. “yn, im so sorry ! could you do the chores now ? i have to run to the store and get ready dinner for jaehyeok just told me he had a bad day and the kitchen’s in a mess and i dont have enough time and please-“ minhee shot yn a desperate glance. “i’ll do it, go get the stuff you need. it’s really not a big deal.” “thank you, youre a life saver.”

riki thinks they aren’t genuine friends but the way your face lights up whenever you talk about them makes him wish he was wrong. “i’ll help you love, it would be faster that way. “ he tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear and the two got to cleaning. to think that she would waste such precious time with riki to clean up someone else’s mess. “i know you’re a little upset yn.” riki exclaimed, not looking up from the area he was trying to mop. “im sorry, i didn’t mean to spread the negative energy. i can’t help but feel upset. i wanted to spend time with you since we are going to be so busy starting from tomorrow.” riki chuckled at how adorable his girlfriend is. “yn, every moment i spend next to you will always be precious to me. it doesn’t matter if i’m cleaning the dumpster or watching movie with you. i love doing things with you because i love you, hmm ? no matter how busy i am, i’ll always find a way back to you.” while it pleased yn hearing that, it definitely angered another ( especially since their failed scheming only ended up bringing the couple closer )

viii.

with everyone’s submission date approaching at the speed of light, the small break time riki had were all invested in hanging out with yn. he was exhausted but he would never let her know that. seeing her face for even an hour would make everything worth it. he didn’t see anything wrong with spending time with his girlfriend until he accidentally overheard something he shouldn’t have. regrets started pouring in and he questioned how selfish he could be. “yn, im honestly sick of it. we may be your roommates but we are also your best friends. if you’re going to spend every waking hour with riki, do you really need us ? we are trying our hardest here to find a time where we can hang out with you but your entire personality is about riki ! riki this riki that. fuck yn, we get it. we seriously get it. but if you aren’t going to put any effort into our friendship, then i think its better we end it.” he heard yuju say, with hints of frustration buried in her voice. “i didn’t know you guys felt that way… i’ll accommodate. i promise ! please don’t ever say anything about ending our friendship… please…”

to say riki’s heart shattered at the sound of his girlfriend’s trembling voice is an understatement, because he was in absolute shambles. “fuck this is my fault…” he cursed under his breath, kicking the wall next to him. when the main door unlocked to reveal yn, he dropped any hint of sadness on his face in hopes that she wouldn’t find out about what he heard. “hey, ki ? do you think we could… meet lesser ? just for now at least…” it was such an absurd request. “okay, love. i’ll be waiting for you. let me know whenever you’re free, i’ll come running to you. when im not here, promise me you’ll take care of yourself okay ? no skipping meals, no pushing yourself to the limits. i love you. “ he gave her one last hug, one that wouldn’t be returned even after a week.

that week was horrible to both riki and yn. so much changed in so little time. for the first time in a while, yn felt lonely again. it feels just like the times her parents would leave her alone to go on business trips that would last for months. being together with yuju and minhee didn’t help the situation she was in a lot but it was still better than nothing. and with each passing day, riki gets more nervous. it wasn’t just the fact that he hasnt caught a glimpse of her face since the day he hugged her, but the fact that yn temporarily stopped replying to his messages. was there something wrong ? was she okay on her own ? he would never admit it but he was always as reliant on yn as she was on him and this time apart physically pained him. finally deciding it was too much for him to bear, he ran to her dorm, pounding on the door in hopes that she would be there. “nishimura ? why are you here ?” yuju questioned. “where’s my girlfriend ? is she okay ? she hasn’t been responding to my texts and i’m starting to get worried.” yuju laughed, puzzling the man. “she’s alright. her phone’s getting fixed. minhee accidentally spilled water on it a few days back. they are out getting groceries, i’m sure they’ll be back soon. would you like to come in and wait ?” he couldn’t figure out if this was some sort of trap but at the very moment, he decided that being able to see his girlfriend was the most important thing and with that, riki entered the dorm.

the room was dead silent. yuju couldn’t stand it, not one bit. “you know, nishimura. you really piqued my interest a lot. you seem to be willing to do anything for yn.” she started. “yeah ? maybe because i actually love her ?” yuju laughs again. “it must’ve drove you insane when yn’s phone broke. i wish i could see it with my two eyes… here. it’s my number. yn’s phone is getting sent back around… the end of this week ? you can contact me if you want to know how she’s doing.” her hands reach out, placing a piece of paper into the palms of riki’s hands. “it wouldn’t be wise to throw it away. after all, yn is staying with me.”

“ju ! we’re back ! where should i put the - ki ! you’re here !” dropping the groceries, she made a run towards him, jumping into his arms. “i miss you so much, you don’t even know.” he buried his head into the crook of her neck. “can we hang out, please ? i don’t want to leave just yet.” he mumbles. “hey, um min ? would you be able to handle the groceries alone ? i… wanna hang with my boyfriend.” giving yn a nod of assurance, the couple then headed towards yn’s room.

ix.

there was silence again, but this time a more comforting one. “i think this is the longest i’ve gone without interacting with you ever since we started dating.” riki combed through yn’s hair with his fingers as the two lie in bed. “i’m sorry, i should have told you earlier. our schedules clashed a lot recently especially since submission is round the corner. i thought about just getting another phone but yuju convinced me out of it.” he looked at his girlfriend with atmost adoration. “next time anything happens, just let me know… somehow. mail me a letter if you have to, okay ? here, you can use my phone first. yuju said it won’t be repaired completely till the end of this week. i have a spare phone so i’ll contact you through that.” although the two haven’t seen each other in days, it’s the smallest things that reassure yn that their relationship would be nothing but good. “i love you, riki.” she whispers. “and i love you too, yn.”

“fuck, its clearly not working. riki is too much of a green flag for him to fuck up a three, almost four year relationship with that bitch.” yuju punched at the kitchen countertop. “okay, then sabotaged their relationship through yn. there’s something odd about her. if you find the insecurity, you basically have the upper hand right ?” minhee shrugged, placing another packet of biscuits onto the upper shelf. yuju smirked, “i guess this calls for a girls’ night.”

with that, the trio sat in yuju’s room later on in the night. “i never had a girl’s night before… what do you usually do ?” yn innocently asked the two. “we spill all our secrets and have fun. we drink until the sun’s up and sleep in the same room together.” minhee answered, pouring the three of them a shot of soju. “since me and min already know each other for many years, we’ll mainly ask you the questions and you can ask any one of us !” yn nodded, “can i start ?” as usual, the two girls nodded. “min, how did you and jaehyeok meet ?” minhee downed the shot, “when the next door neighbour is hot and summer fling material, things were bound to happen. he asked me out around the time summer ended i think about five years ago ?” yn’s chest felt warm, is this what it feels like to have friends ? friends that were willing to share secrets like its their prized possession ? “what about you, yn ? did something happen in the past ? i’m sorry if its a sensitive topic but you seem very attached to riki and very new to all these friend stuff…” yuju stared at the ground after managing to get the question she longed to get answers for out of her mouth.

there it was. a pang to her heart. it feels almost uncomfortable, but that’s the type of things friends would ask right ? because they cared. “ah… well, i never had any friends before riki came into my life. most of the people i went to school with tried to take advantage of my parents’ wealth through me so i never had a chance to make a genuine friend with the exception of riki. my parents… they aren’t very… physically or emotionally involved in my life… they send me presents every now and then but were never there when i needed them or when i just accomplished a milestone. oddly, i don’t resent them.” it felt like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders when she said that out loud. “that’s because you know they love you. love is everything money can buy and based on what you said, it looks like they bought you everything.” yuju said, giving yn a pat on the back to show her support. “what about your boyfriend though ? does he buy you expensive stuff ?” minhee inquires. “i prefer spending time with him over getting gifts from him, so i don’t really mind not getting a lot. he also says he is saving up for something. he has been saving ever since we started dating. i thought it was for a car but he has one already and is still saving. i never asked about it since he didn’t tell me why the first time i asked.” yn took a shot. “ has it ever occurred to you that maybe just maybe… he doesn’t love you as much as he makes it seem ? i mean we already established that love is anything money can buy but he barely even get you anything. your phone broke and the best he did was give you his used one ? it’s not even brand new. your parents love each other, right ? they give each other expensive things. your parents love you, they give you expensive things. jaehyeok loves min, he gives her expensive handbags. even when people get married, they propose with expensive rings yn, not with spending time.” she took another shot. did riki really love her ? “look, you’re one of us now. we are just looking out for you… why not you test him ? tell him you broke your airpods and see how he react. if he loves you, he would drop everything and get you a new one - even if it means touching the savings he have.” minhee gave yn a pat on the back. it was all going according to plan.

x.

the next time riki saw yn, there was this pressing feeling that something bad was about to happen - a feeling that he never felt before around her. “a penny for your thought, love ?” riki caressed her cheeks as the two laid on the sofa in his dorm. “it’s really nothing of concern, ki. thanks for asking. oh, i got my phone back so you can have yours back.” she passed him the item, not sparing him a glance. riki was never dense, he could tell yn was planning something. something that might not lead to the best outcome. “okay, if you need anything else let me know alright. i’ll try my best to help you out.” the sweet boy offered. “i broke my airpods… i tried asking my parents for new ones but they aren’t reachable at the moment…”

“do you wanna use my headphones instead then ? until you can get a replacement. ” and that’s when it all happened.

“fuck this… why do you always offer me your used stuff when shits happen to mine ? why can’t you buy me new ones…” she stared at the ground stubbornly. “i… i didn’t know you would want me to get them for you… you always told me to not spend on you excessively , but if you really want me to get you them , i can… give me a week …? i should be able to get a job by then…” the boy was confused, is this really what she wanted from him all along ? for him to shower her with love by buying her luxury items ? he must’ve been a bad boyfriend for not noticing it especially after years of dating. “work ..? you have a whole bank account filled with money… and you wouldn’t even touch it for me ? what’s so important about the thing you’re saving up for… what makes it more important than me ? even minhee’s boyfriend spends money on her ! she gets a new luxury bag almost every month…” tears were rolling down yn’s face by then. riki hugged her tightly, giving her soft pats on the back, “i can’t tell you just yet but please trust me, love. i’ll get you new airpods by the end of the week, okay ? please don’t be upset. i’m really sorry for not realising earlier that i should’ve showered you with things you like. i’ll buy luxury bags for you too… please don’t cry anymore…”

he hated everything he has done to make her this upset, but most of all, he hated himself.

xi.

reaching out to heeseung, the boy agreed to help be a photographer for his project - earning him a total of three hundred and fifty dollars per shoot. it wasn’t enough so he agreed to model for jay’s fashion line as well - allowing him to invest hundred dollars more into your gift for every hour he worked. riki was hellbent on getting you more than just that airpods you cried over. he was going to get you everything you ever wanted. “dad ? can i choreograph for a class ? i kinda need a bit of money now… two days would be enough… that should earn me about six hundred dollars…”

“i think i was too harsh. i should apologise to him.” yn said, sipping on her drink sadly. she felt guilty. riki was willing to do everything for her and all she did was whine and complain about the amount of effort he put in. “no ! don’t do that ! if you say sorry, he would never take your requests seriously ever again. he might even love you lesser since you’re so easy to guilt trip. if he loves you, he would work for it and hang out with you during the duration of him buying you those items.” yuju affirmed the girl.

with the amount of jobs riki took, it was hard for him to make time for his girlfriend. he would spend eight hours of his day in school, painting, drawing, sculpting. then, spend another three hours taking pictures of the models heeseung hired. it was then another four hours modelling for jay, leaving him with only nine hours left to fulfil one’s basic needs as well as make time for yn and homework. on the days where he has dance classes to teach, he wouldn’t even be able to catch a glimpse of yn considering how he was running all over the place. the texts exchanged gradually became lesser as exhaustion took a toll on riki both mentally and physically. but he was okay with it, because the outcome would eventually bring a smile back on his girlfriend’s face.

riki doesn’t realise he had fallen asleep… in the middle of his home date with yn. she watched the boy rest in the most uncomfortable position, wondering how he even managed to sleep through that. wondering how he could even sleep during the few hours he barely made to spend with her after almost ghosting her for the entire week. picking up riki’s camera, she pressed on the gallery button and instantly wished she didn’t. inside the file were many photos of beautiful girls dressed in the prettiest clothings, if not, beautiful girls wrapping their hands around riki as the two smile for the camera, wearing matching outfits. the camera that was once filled with many photos of her was now replaced with many photos of other girls.

yn covered her mouth to muffle the sobs. how could he so selfishly throw away a relationship they invested so much time in ? riki groaned as he got up, rubbing his eyes to clear his vision, he had heard her crying in his sleep and felt the absolute need to check up on her. “love…? are you crying ?why are you crying ? do you want to talk about it ? i … still have some time to spare.” she pushed the camera towards him. “fuck you, riki. why did you do this to me ? no… how could you do this to me… “ love, what are you talking about ? did i hit you by accident when i was asleep ?” the tears continue to pour from her eyes. “let’s break up. i-i saw the photos with the girls… my decision.. it’s final.” it was now riki’s turn to cry. he felt his vision blur. “so that’s it …? i don’t get a say in it too ? i don’t get to explain ? please… please reconsider… i want to spend my whole life with you… i want you to be my very first and last love… yn, please…” he knelt before her, sobbing. “no, riki. my friends… they were right all along. they said you didn’t love me since the start. work ? that was just an excuse to cheat wasn’t it ?you had money saved up… so you used that as an excuse to meet other girls… everything minhee’s boyfriend did for her… you never did for me. you’re so busy these days you don’t even bother replying to my messages only for me to find out that you’re with other girls. when we do hang out, it always end with you falling asleep halfway or you being distracted and i’m tired of it… this is the end.” “yn love, i didn’t cheat, i swear ! i really was working…” “quit lying.” she stood up, ready to leave his dorm. he quickly wiped his tears upon realising that yn was leaving. “w-wait. take this. it was meant for you anyways. open it when you arrive safely at your dorm.” he handed a big shopping bag to her before hugging her one last time. “i love you.” riki whispers, “i’ll always love you, yn. take care my love.”

xii.

riki was upset. he had every right to be. he had worked so hard for so many years in hopes of filling in the void yn’s parents never did, but yet he failed. he had taken a week off school, reassuring the lecturers that it was due to an emergency when it was really just an excuse for him to cry all week. he stared at the many portraits he had drawn of yn over the years as well as the many photographs he hung of the couple together in his dorms. everything reminded him of her and it hurts him more than he thinks it should. “riki ? thank god you answered. i’m really sorry she saw those photos… i was a fool for not getting a camera myself for the photoshoot. i’ll explain it to yn, i promise. i can’t sit around and do nothing knowing how much damage i caused.” “heeseung. it’s fine. really. it’s not your fault. i was a bad boyfriend to yn. that’s why she broke up with me. i’m sorry i can’t help any of you out with your latest project. i need some time alone.” his voice was scratchy and hoarse from all crying. “that should be the least of your worries right now. have a good break, don’t do anything foolish , okay ?… i’ll let jay know as well.” “thanks.” throwing his phone across the room, he took his keys and headed straight out of the dorm.

riki walked and walked and walked. he walked in the dark night, walked past hundreds of strangers and kept walking until he reached his destination. unlocking the door, he collapsed onto his knees. he was finally at the place he spent three years (almost four) working on, his very own apartment that was meant to be shared with his now ex girlfriend. ever since he met yn, he knew that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and so he decided that on their fifth anniversary, he would surprise her with their very own apartment and so he started working throughout his highschool days all while keeping it a secret. he would help choreograph some dances on saturday mornings for money, telling yn that he was busy with physical training for his extra curriculums. on mondays, he would lie about having make up football practice when he was really modelling. riki would even skip some meals to save as much as he can for the apartment, only willingly spending money when it comes to yn herself. it took riki two years and a half to be able to buy a nice cosy little apartment (with the help of his parents of course) and he has been decorating it in secret as much as he can with his spare change. riki walked around the apartment, slowly feeling his tears welling up again. he had decorated it exactly how she would describe her future house to be. a soft, fluffy white rug sitting below the sleek khaki couch and a marble table. a walk in closet with a large vanity table and a white center table for accessories display. a master bedroom with a king sized bed, a bed side table and the lamp from ikea that yn couldn’t stop raving about. the extra bedroom that was turned into a studio for the both of them. the storage room he filled with shelves to give her space to store the cloths she needs for her designs. the half decorated balcony. riki did everything he could for her and it wasn’t enough for her to feel loved. he sprawled all over the floor, making no plans to get up from the position he was now in as tears flowed down once again.

as she left riki’s dorm, yn mentally cursed herself for letting the one last thing that was good in her life go. she was now back to square one where it was just her against the cruel world. she had been dying to open the shopping bag riki gave but decided against looking into it until she had reached her room. yn thinks she had cried enough that day. she thinks she cried so much there weren’t possibly any tears left. oh how wrong she was. once yn was back in the comforts of her bed, she took a deep breath in and opened the bag. inside sat the airpods headphones she had asked from him the other day, a prada handbag, a bouquet of flowers as well as two tickets to the museum showcasing the works of her favourite artist of all time. the tears flowed endlessly. riki had given everything yn asked for in the promised amount of time. “yn, are you okay ? i heard you sobbing.” minhee said from outside the door. “min… i think i fucked up…”she wailed even harder. “shit. stay there, i’ll call ju over and get you some ice cream.”

and so, another impromptu girls’ night occurred. “i shouldn’t have broken up with riki… he did everything i told him to do… what if those pictures were a misunderstanding ? he never lied to me before….” yuju sighed, “yn, there’s always a first time to everything. you saw it with your own eyes, the way he was interacting with the girls in the pictures intimately. the buying of luxury items were probably all a facade to keep you around. don’t cave so quickly. you should block him.” she snatched yn’s phone from her hand, pressing into riki’s contact and blocking him everywhere.

xiii.

a week apart turned into a month. riki’s current mental state did not make any progress ever since he let go of the love of his life. the sweet whisperings of “i love you” played in his mind like a broken record. although he most definitely wasn’t in his best condition, he’d rather spend his waking hours worrying about yn. did she eat well ? was she able to have a home cooked meal within the month ? was her classes too hard on her ? did she go to the museum with the tickets ? he had hoped she did, he wouldn’t wish for her to miss out on that rare opportunity that barely even came by. he camped at the ticketing website till dawn for a chance to get the tickets which quickly sold out subsequently. riki would be lying if he said he never tried to reach out to yn, but his efforts all lead to fruitless outcomes. it didn’t take long for him to realise he was blocked on all socials. that’s when he remembered, yuju had given him a way of contact. “hey, um this is riki. i was just calling because i was worried about yn… how is she ? is she doing okay ? i haven’t been able to reach her. please cook her some homemade dishes once in a while, i think she would love that. please let her know that im waiting for her as well…” “nishimura, yn is doing just fine. she isn’t at the dorm right now because she’s out on a group date… minhee tried to get her to meet new people so she would feel slightly better. i think she blocked you, so it might be a little hard to contact her. if you’d like, you can come over now and talk to her once she returns ?”

at that very moment, it felt like yuju was his knight in shinning armour, “yeah. that’ll be great. i’ll be there in ten. ”

taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door to the girls’ dorm. “it’s open !” yuju shouted, prompting for him to enter on his own. riki sat awkwardly on the sofa, waiting for yn’s return. “don’t be so awkward. i know you haven’t been here in awhile but a lot of things haven’t changed you know.” yuju placed a glass of water in front of the boy. “yn… you mentioned she is meeting others now… romantically ?” the girl nodded in response. “i see… i hope the guy is able to treat her better than i can…” he sighed. it’s been a month but the wound was still fresh. “don’t be like that, riki. you were a great boyfriend to her. i’m not sure what exactly changed her mind that much but you’re the most ideal boyfriend i’ve ever seen. don’t doubt you capability to love. “ she placed her hand over his. riki would be lying if he said he wasn’t taken aback. first, his girlfriend of many years broke up with him, then he contacted his ex’s friend like it was nothing and now her hands are on his as if it was only natural that happened. “fuck it, yuju. you don’t understand how much i loved her. how much i still love her. i’ll keep changing and working on myself if i have too, i just want her back. i’ll buy her the whole world even if it means i have to sacrifice myself. she’s my lifeline.” he threw his head back in frustration. “riki, you’re too nice. she doesn’t deserve you or the effort you put in for her. for your sake, please. move on. you can get any girl you want on this planet so don’t dwell on her. there’s so many single people on this earth like me. yn isn’t special.” riki scoffed, “she isn’t special to you but she is to me. and for the record, i’m not looking for anyone else, i’m only looking to win yn back. “

the door unlocked to a figure of yn standing there dressed in something considered pretty. “w-why are you here ?” yn stuttered. “yn, love please hear me out. please. just once. “ riki’s eyes teared up at the sight of his previous lover. “riki, i’m not your love anymore. please leave… i’m not ready to deal with any of this yet. ju, please walk him out…” yuju nodded, grabbing ahold of his hand and walking him towards the door. upon closing the door behind them, riki fell to the ground - huddling his knees as his sob the pain away. “i-i fucked up real bad this time… didn’t i ?” “no riki, she’s just being selfish. i’ll try to talk to her about this. i honestly still have no idea how or why you guys broke up but if you could give me a clearer picture that would aid me a lot.” she patted his head softly. “i… don’t want to talk about it in public.” riki sighs, “what if we talk about it at your dorm ? would you be alright with that ?” yuju suggested. “it doesn’t really matter to me.”

xiv.

the talk lasted way longer than riki would’ve expected. by the time he was back from the washroom, yuju had already fallen asleep on his couch. he stared at her face for a few moments before leaving the room, only to return with a blanket - placing it over her body. a smile spread across her face without him knowing.

time flies when you’re having fun - so the night went by really quickly as yuju replayed the scene of riki placing the blanket on her non stop. she made a note to wake up early and prepare breakfast for the other to show her worth. “morning riki. have some breakfast before i leave. i remember hearing that you like having cereal and milk for breakfast. i got them all ready.” he muttered a quick thanks in reply before sitting down quietly across her - clearly with no intentions of talking about what had happened last night.

and these moments soon grew to happen from once a week to almost every 2 working days, where riki would randomly walk into his dorm to see a drunk yuju crying about wanting some boy that didn’t seem the least bit interested in her. he had grown accustomed to her but still occasionally wishes for yn to be back in his warmth. how he wished he could ask her what to do. when yuju woke up the next morning, it was almost as if she had never crashed at his place at all, she looked prim and proper. “hey rik, i’ve been dying to know what’s in that brown box. it’s been sitting there for ages, it’s collecting dust at this point. can i open it ?” before riki could even stop her, her hands reached for the lid and her eyes widened as she took in everything. countless of pictures of yn and riki were scattered across the insides of the box as well as every single thing yn gave that could possibly fit in that box. “what the actual fuck. you aren’t even together with her anymore, move on ! you need to get rid of this. “ she snatched a polaroid of the couple and scoffed. “look yuju, in the nicest way possible, fuck off. how long i take to move on isn’t something you can control. hell, i still have feelings for yn, okay ? i would run to her the moment she calls. i’m not throwing ANY of this away.” “are you fucking insane ? i worked so hard to get you to leave and you’re still so stubborn. you’re a fool, riki. i fucking love you and you won’t even see it. how selfish. “

confusion was plastered all across riki’s face, then anger. “what the fuck do you mean when you said you worked hard to get ME to leave.” the silence thickened. “you fucking bitch, you sabotaged my relationship, didn’t you ? oh my god you’re a horrible friend. get out. NOW !” he grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the door and pushing yuju out the door. riki fell to the ground in horror. everything made sense now. the sudden change in yn’s behaviour. the sudden requests that never seemed as important previously. the breakup. because of yuju, he lost the love of his life. because of yuju, the couple had to suffer. because of yuju, he could only play the “i love you”s from yn in his head like a broken record and no longer hear it in person.

riki could sit here and pray for yuju’s downfall, but he wasn’t going to do that. riki was hellbent on winning yn back, and this time no amount of sabotage could stop him.

xv.

maybe some things are easier said than done. winning yn back was definitely one of the case for riki. she was avoiding him like the plague, leaving him defeated on a daily basis. “i’ll try again tomorrow.” and yet tomorrow came and went by with another failed attempt. feeling defeated, riki went to the cafe he once spent 3 hours queueing for to get a breath of fresh air. poking at the cake he remembered buying for yn, he sighed. “can i get an americano a-and a slice of that famous strawberry cake.” riki’s head instantly turned towards the direction of the voice, only to find the familiar face of the owner with tear stains on her cheeks. “yn…” he waited for her to grab her items before making his way towards her. “yn. please. i need to talk to you.” tears rolled down her face once again.

“fuck off, riki. why can’t you leave me alone ? or anyone acquainted to me alone ? you’re even going for yuju now ? are you kidding me ?” “im not going after yuju. i have no interest in her.” “that does not explain why she has the polaroid you took of us. why are you even lying ? what’s the point ?” riki was shocked at how much the love of his life has changed. the girl that was once a sweet angel seemed to be lost somewhere. “yn, she stole that from me the moment i found out she sabotaged our relationship.” “now you’re accusing my friend of things she didn’t do ?” “if i play an audio recording for you, would you believe me then ? i have no reason to lie to you, yn. i have no interest in any other girls either. i made a promise to the gods that you would be my first and only love and im not breaking that. “ pressing the play button on his phone, riki handed it to yn as the audio sounded.

“o-oh my god… this can’t be real.” “it is. i didn’t think they were very good friends in the first place but what yuju did really crossed the line.” “riki… what do i do ? i literally live with them.” she placed her head in her palms, sobbing. “i have an apartment.” “what ?” “i bought that apartment for us a few years back. it was supposed to be a gift for our fifth anniversary… you can stay there, at least until we figure out what to do with yuju and minhee. i don’t think you should be around them for a while. just pack your stuff and i’ll… text you the address… if you could just unblock me somewhere…”

xvi.

as promised, riki gave her the address and helped her move in. “i told them my parents wanted me to move back into their homes and they looked… happy.” riki reached his hands out, ready to give her a hug only to stop midway, remembering the status of their relationship. “i think you’d want to be alone for a while, to think through everything. i won’t be staying here, so you don’t have to worry. you can sleep in the master bedroom, the studio would be on your right and the toilet is down the hallway. the walk in closet is next to the master bedroom. you can keep your cloths for your projects in the storage room on the left of the studio. i’ll drop by once in a while to give you microwaveable food in case i can’t cook for you that day. you don’t have to worry about the groceries or bills. i got them covered. just rest well.” “riki. thank you. let’s talk at the end of the week.” he nodded in response.

a week went by just like that. riki would be lying if he said he wasnt anxious about what was to come next. ever since their break up, it was almost as if he had lost his sense of direction. he had to start all over again and with yuju’s constant intervention, it wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do. this week was no different, yuju constantly trying to apologise to him for her outburst - blaming it on yn. “rik. yn is out of the picture now ! she doesn’t even stay at our dorm anymore. we can be together.” pure disgust plastered all across riki’s face. “you’re seriously deluded. get help.” and with that, he walked away.

the sun had already set by the time riki had reached the apartment yn currently resided in. knocking on the door as a heads up, he entered to find yn preparing some wine for the both of them. “let’s chat in the bedroom.” riki sat on the bed awkwardly across his ex. “what… do you want to know ?” “truthfully… everything. i want to know how you got the money to buy this place… why there were girls in your camera… why yuju would do such a thing…why you’re still helping me… i want to know it all.” riki took a sip of the wine. “well for starters… i have been working since high school. i worked as a choreographer at my parents’ studio and did modelling as well. like i said, this was supposed to be a five year anniversary gift to you… so i spent the past few years decorating it secretly. that’s what the secret bank account was for and why i refused to touch it… as for the camera… when you said you wanted all those gifts, i started working as a photographer for heeseung and choreographer at the studio again. additionally, jay offered for me to model for his gender neutral fashion line, hence there were girls in the photos with me. they paid me enough to get everything you wanted as well as get some more stuff to decorate this place…yuju… she’s fucked up. apparently she liked me and i only found out when she admitted that she sabotaged our relationship to get together with me. she’s been preying on your insecurities and i’m so sorry i couldn’t stop her in time… i’m helping you because of my promise. my promise that you’ll be my only love in this life. you can break me a hundred times and i’ll still go back to you. i’ll wait for you until you become mine again and even if you don’t, i’ll still wait for you.” yn was crying again. “oh my god i was such an asshole to you…” riki chuckled softly, wiping the tears away from her face. “yeah… but still, i prefer hearing your voice in person than to only be able to hear your voice play in my head like a broken record.” “what do i do now… i’m still going to run into them in class. i can’t avoid then forever and they’re literally the only friends i have. yuju is going to be pissed if she finds out i’m staying in this apartment that YOU bought.” “you can’t avoid them in class but you can make new friends. i know its a little hard for you but i recently found out that sunoo’s girlfriend is in the same class as you. i can get her to help you out. i know you want to make friends on your own so just take this as you meeting her on your own through mutuals ! don’t discredit yourself. if they do anything to you, gather enough evidence and we can submit it to the school committee. the committee might reassign you to a new dorm but if you want to continue staying here, feel free to.” “okay. i want to meet sunoo’s girlfriend. i’m free the day after.”

xvii.

“hi yn ! i’m ryeji, sunoo’s girlfriend and your classmate ! riki told me about what happened. so i’m more than willing to lend you a hand !” seeing her bubbly personality definitely eased yn’s nerves. “riki really does have a pretty girlfriend…” the girl whispered under her breath. “o-oh i’m not his girlfriend… anymore.” “ah ! then you must be the girl riki swore to only love !”

“how was the meeting with ryeji ?” riki asked. “she’s a lot nicer than my previous friends. she said she’ll help me out if they ever approach me.” “that’s great. i’m glad things worked out with her. here. it’s a new bag.” he pushed a chanel gift bag towards her. “riki… about what i said last time… i didn’t really mean it. it’s just that… yuju convinced me that you didn’t love me because you didn’t do what my parents did… i’m really sorry i accused you of such things.” riki gave her a tiny smile before pulling her into a hug. “i know. i’m not mad at you for saying such things. i guess i should pamper you occasionally as well. i don’t think any amount of handbags could be worth as much as my love for you back then and now. don’t be sorry about the past, be happy you were able to realise what you truly want. it’s perfect alright if i’m not what you want. i’ll be happy as long as you’re happy.” he rubs yn’s back slowly. “well, i want you back. i’ll court you this time ! you did everything for me back then and now it’s my turn to return the favour. i want to be the best girlfriend ever ! “

xviii.

riki woke up to his doorbell ringing, his disheveled hair and confused face clearly showing the state the boy was in. swinging open the door, he was met with a smiley yn with two bottles of banana milk in her hands, “morning ! it’s my first day of courting you so i wanted to walk with you to school ! you always walk me to school so i thought we could change it a little.” pulling her in before closing the door behind her, he led her to the couch - head on her thighs, eyes on her face. “hehe, good morning yn. now that you’re here, i don’t want to go to school anymore.” she dragged him by the arm towards the bathroom, “go get ready for school. we can always hang out after ! my submissions are finally over.”

the two walked to school, just like they used to - but this time earning more stares and whispers due to their previous breakup. “this is my lecture hall. i’ll see you after my class ends ! i’ll think of you !” yn gives riki a cheeky smile before sliding a chocolate bar into his arms. his favourite. “yn, you’re here !” ryeji called out to the girl, signalling for her to leave riki’s side. “have a nice time in class, call me if anything happens !” riki shouted after the girl.

“i see you’re back with riki ?” ryeji wiggled her eyebrows, “not exactly yet. im courting him this time. it’s my way of saying sorry for everything i guess.” the other girl cooed at her response. “my favourite love birds.” “love birds ?” yuju slammed her hand onto the table. “you bitch ! he was courting me and you stole him away like that ? just as easily as you threw him away ? who was there for you when you were crying your eyes out ? me ! and who was there for riki when you dumped him over YOUR insecurities ? me ! stop being a pick me bitch yn. quit being so selfish.” ryeji threw her pencil case at yuju’s face. “shut it, you witch.” “OH. and it seems like you got a new friend too. let’s see what happens when she finds out your secrets. how everyone’s view of you would change.” lifting her feet to place them on the table, above yuju’s hands, yn laughed. “tell them. or should i tell them myself ? riki told me everything you did to sabotage our relationship. and i believe you have a polaroid that belongs to US.” snatching her wallet, yn reached for the polaroid. “oh and you can stop chasing riki now. he is everything but impressed by your shenanigans. in fact, he had enough evidence to file a case against you to the school committee so i highly suggest you STOP messing with people around me. or i’ll mess with you.” the room went pin drop silent. yuju kicked the table in defeat before walking out of the door, too embarrassed to sit through class. yn heaved a sigh of relief, “you did great, yn.” ryeji assured.

xix.

sitting across riki in the restaurant was yn in a beautiful dress. “i don’t think yuju or minhee would be bothering us any time in the future.” “that’s great. i’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. “ riki’s hands reach for yn’s cheeks, caressing them slowly. “i also got something for you !” pushing a bag towards him, she flashed him her signature smile. “it’s something i made during class ! one of the professors said that i should start a clothing line and my connections would be able to boost it. so i decided you should get my very first piece. you can even model for the line if you like and i would love for you to design the logo !” opening the bag, riki found the most beautiful piece of clothing he has ever since, tailored to make his body features stand out even more than they already did. “you don’t understand how much i love this. thank you so much, yn. i appreciate it. truly. i can’t ever thank you enough.” “well, you can thank me by being mine again. what do you say, love ?” “of course ! it would be an honor to be yours again.” the two reconciled in a hug, “ i love you.” riki whispers.

—

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[little-miss-dilf-lover]

can you make one smut with matt murdock where reader is his neighbor and has a crush on him but is pretty straight forward, baking cookies for him, always trying to touch him and flirting (even foggy noticed) with him but he tries to control himself (elektra just died). then one night they're talking and she confesses that she's attracted to him and asks if she can kiss him then they have sex

I love this!! sorry I think I overdid it, I couldn’t stop writing😭thank you for requesting, hope you like it💌

roof-side to bed-side (matt murdock x f reader)

wc || 1.8k (sorry)

warnings || 18+ only. smut, p in v, light choking, aftercare. no use of y/n. minors dni

masterlist + rules

taglist

At night you often liked to sit on the rooftop and gaze at the city below, you loved to people-watch. But usually, you’d come up to clear your head, especially if you’ve had a shit day. You have a thing for your neighbour across the hall, you have for quite some time now, but no matter how many hints you dropped, he just didn’t seem interested. One-sided relationships were your least favourite thing, it made you feel pathetic to pine over someone who clearly isn’t interested. So now, you were sat alone and cold on the rooftop with your inappropriate thoughts towards your neighbour. 

Hearing the fire escape door creak open, your neck snaps around to look at what interrupted your thought train. Is that Matt?

“Hey, what you doing out here?” Matt asks, walking towards you.

“What are you doing out here?” You ask flipping the question.

“I like to come out here to get some air… you’re in my spot.” He smirks at you, now a couple of feet apart.

“I’m sorry.” You blurt, moving to the side.

“No no- I’m kidding…” grinning widely at you. His hand attaches to your wrist, gently pulling you back. “So, what you doing out here?” 

“Just getting some air.” 

He pauses for a moment, looking as though he is thinking. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nah, nothing.” You deflect, almost brushing him off.

“You sure?” Sweetly smiling at you.

“No.” You laugh, again as if you’re avoiding it.

“Tell me.” He presses, lacing his hand into yours.

Looking down at your hand, feeling slightly befuddled. You felt so confused. Over the months of you flirting with him, he could be so clueless, but at other times he’d be right on it. For example, right now, he’d do these things that showed you he was interested, but tomorrow he’d be utterly oblivious. You really wanted him, and you did not know how to go about it. 

Just now realising you had taken a rather long pause, turning to see a worried look on Matt’s face.

Clearing your throat. “Do you like me?”

Awkwardly laughing, “Of course I like you.”

“No- but… do you like me-like me?” You anxiously ask.

He doesn’t respond, he just makes a weird murmur, like he’s stuttering. His face was still and blank.

You couldn’t help but feel like you’ve ruined things. “I gotta go.” You say, turning around to walk away.

His hand urgently clasps at your arm. “No, don’t go.” A slight pang in his words.

You felt like melting.

“I’ve- um… okay, I like you, a lot. It’s just… my kind of ex-girlfriend passed away a little while ago… we weren’t together but we were, but we weren’t- I don’t know, it’s complicated. I’m trying to, yknow move on, but…” A sad but hopeful smile on his lips.

Suddenly it all made sense. “You take as much time as you need, it’s okay Matt. I understand- I really do.” You sweetly reassure, comfortingly stroking his arm.

“Is that why you’ve been baking me so many cookies the last couple of months? Because you like me?” Changing the subject and cracking a smile. 

“No.” You laugh. “Maybe.”

“Well, they tasted great anyway.” He looks away to smile. But you notice it, making your own grin even bigger.

“Thank you.” You cutely reply. You wanted to be respectful and you didn’t want to pry any further, especially as he had just told you something so personal. You felt like now was a good ending point for the night, deciding that you should excuse yourself and keep things friendly. “I think I’m gonna turn in, it’s too cold out here.”

“Yeah, me too, I don’t know how you’ve been out here so long.” Wryly chucking.

Snickering to yourself as you walk towards the exterior fire escape stairs. “I’ll see you soon… neighbour.”

“Wait- where you going?”

“Home.”

“Don’t go that way, it’s not safe. Come this way.”

“Doesn’t that go into your apartment?” You ask, laughing awkwardly.

“Yeah but it’s safer, come on.” Ushering you over.

He opens the door for you, allowing you to walk in first. His chivalry made your smile impossibly bigger. 

“Door down the hallway?” You ask.

“Yeah right at the bottom.” Following behind you.

Opening the door you turn to face him, offering a friendly hug. When you pull apart you just now realise just how pretty his lips were. “May I kiss you?” You ask with confidence that confused you.

He nods as he takes a step closer, you place gentle hands on his face and sweetly kiss his cheek. 

Noticing Matt’s confused face, you step back and you couldn’t help but feel that it made him uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, was that weird?” 

“No.” He says with a smirk.

“No?”

“Nhm hm.” Shaking his head no, sliding his hands to the side of your face to cup your cheeks. “May I kiss you?”

Eagerly nodding. 

Holding your head, he pulls you in closer. Softly brushing his lips over yours, angling your face to meet his better. Sweetly caressing your lips, knees turning to jelly as you melt into the kiss. It’s felt like everything you’ve ever wanted.

He breathlessly parts away to allow you both a second to breathe before he attaches his lips back to yours, desperately working over them. A hand slides to your waist, tugging you closer as he kicks the door shut with his foot. Keeping his mouth glued to yours as he pulls you further into his apartment.

Separating for a second to take everything in. “I really want you.”

“You sure?” You considerately ask.

“Yes.” Instantly replying.

“Good, because I do too.” Latching your lips back to his, allowing him to lead you into his bedroom.

Your involuntary whimpers against his lips made him groan from the back of his throat, holding your face tighter as his tongue urgently brushed over your lips. Tugging at each others clothing until you both were in your underwear. He gently pushes you back on the side of the bed, laying you down. Leaning over you as he stands between your legs, loosely gripping the side of your neck as he kisses up it. Both panting at the incessant need between each of your legs. 

You could feel his hard-on rub against your fabric-covered pussy, the way he ground himself into you made it harder to breathe straight. Letting out strangled whines as he kisses under your jaw. 

His hands work behind your bra, unclasping it and allowing your tits free. Kissing down your stomach as he stands upright, snaking his fingers into your underwear to tug them off, throwing them into the pile of your other clothing. Slipping his own underwear off and kicking them away. Stroking himself a couple of times before pushing his head through your folds, rubbing your slick around with his shaft. 

The contact felt amazing and Matt knew, smirking down at you as he tapped his tip on your clit a couple more times. Aligning himself with you and gently working himself in. Hovering back over you to desperately kiss your lips.

He allows you a few moments to adjust before he pulls himself out to enter you again, bottoming out. He filled you so perfectly like he was moulded from the heavens just for you. With those few strokes alone, he’s made you feel more pleasure than any other man has before. 

Matt leans over to cage you in, his fingers tangled around the back of your neck with his thumbs holding under your jaw, keeping your chin angled up. He kisses harshly up the soft skin, as his hips buck, gliding himself in and out of you. His thrusts draw out heavy whimpers from your parted lips.

“You sound so fucking pretty right now.” He husks against your skin.

That little comment made you tingle all over, no guy had ever told you that before and it made you realise just how much you really did like Matt. Wrapping your legs over his hips to pull him in closer.

“I like you.” You whimper between shortened breaths.

“I like you.” Whispering into your ear and kissing under it.

“I like you.” 

“I like you.” He smiles against your lips before brashly kissing them. His hips wind into yours as his thrusts become more precise. 

His grip around the back of your neck moves round to the front, clasping his hands around your throat as he continues to ram into all the right spots. Perfectly hitting them all with the right amount of pressure and speed. 

The fact that he wasn’t afraid to grunt or groan made you flutter all over, the way he wasn’t ashamed turned you on even more than you thought was possible. 

“You keep doing that- and I won’t last.” He softly moans into your mouth. 

“Doing what?” 

“That.” He grunts shortly. 

You didn’t even realise that you were doing it, but you were clamping around him. The way you’d tense and flutter around him made it harder for him to hold off. So you test it one more time, wanting to tease him. You clamp your walls around him, looking up and watching the way his eyebrows tugged together.

His grip on your neck tightens as he ploughs into you a little harder, he could tell by the way you reacted earlier that you loved to be choked, so he uses that as a way to tease you and get back at you for tightening around him. 

You could feel your release approaching and as your orgasm built you tightened around him, contracting around his cock. Your climax drew out Matt’s, he fucks into you hard, dragging out both of your releases. His forehead rests against yours as stifled moans fall from each of your mouths. 

He starts to slow down, gently pushing into you to allow you both a second to catch your breath. 

“Shit- I’m so sorry.” He stiffens, almost coming back to earth and realising he came inside of you.

“Don’t worry, I’m on the pill.” You reassure stroking over his cheeks.

“You are?” He questions, kissing you softly before pulling himself out of you with a groan.

Letting out an accidental whine at the newfound empty feeling in between your legs. “Yeah for my periods.” 

“Wait there.” Pecking your nose before leaving the room.

He returns with a damp rag, water and a container of cookies. They were the cookies you made for him yesterday.

Matt passes you a bottle of water, you prop yourself up on your elbows to take a sip as Matt cleans you up. He quickly cleans himself up before he searches through his dresser to find you a clean t-shirt, putting it over your head. Throwing on some shirts before taking a seat next to you, holding out the tin box of cookies. You both take one, sitting at the edge of bed enjoying your sweet treat. Everything felt so easy around him like everything just worked. You didn’t need to think of what to say, because the conversation always flowed, it all felt so effortless and you just hoped he felt the same way. 

And he did, he was starting to fall for you.

[lopez-richter-fangirl]

Possessed by the spirit of Lauren in terms of how many times I had Nando’s this weekend but not in terms of how early I will get to the airport so here’s a long VHS post while I wait for my flight! (with spoilers if you don’t want to know any differences for this year’s show)

I know I already talked about this but where else do I start but with their parents 😭 I know his parents do travel for shows (waited right behind them in line for Spies 54 Below) but when they weren’t at TCBoB I figured it was so unlikely they’d be at VHS, and I honestly hadn’t even considered her parents even though it’s not as far for them to travel. But I look up and there they all are talking in the lobby (his dad also went and talked to her parents the entire intermission the first night and then of course they were all talking when they were sitting together and we won’t examine how deep my parasocial relationship goes that that makes me so soft). Also, their moms were just chatting away to each other when they came into the bathroom while I was drying my hands and I’m so grateful I was done so I could get the fuck out of there before I could say something embarrassing like “I love your kids”). 

As much as it was a huge distraction (for the second time!! I was already watching his parents more than I should have been at VHS 21) it was so fucking cute that they were there and made for some cute moments. Lauren smiled at his parents when they were facing them at the top of the show. Her dad was smiling so much when she was onstage. I had to watch Joey’s mom cry at Priceless for a second time but that was made up for by the look she gave his dad when Lauren hit her high note (truly as proud as if she’s their own kid!!! 😭😭) (Lauren’s dad may also have cried). Those first two shows were extra surreal because of that. And I have to say, you see the way Joey’s parents are and it truly explains so much about who Joey is as a person and in his relationship (marriage 🥺).

But my god were the shows themselves so joyous. I will never hear any criticism of them doing this show every year because it couldn’t be more obvious how much they all love it. And I didn’t think it could be any better than last year’s but it was! (and not just because I only had to see Joey’s ring in the second act where it makes sense instead of the entire fucking show).

The new VHSmas choreo is so cute and fun and I love any extra Bred Gruelle and Spektr moment we can get. They all committed harder than ever to Whaddya Do I LOVED it. Cold cold streets is even cuntier than last year which shouldn’t have been possible but here we are. It really does give Lauren and Joey an excuse to be touchy in Act 1 as well as Act 2. There’s a moment they hold a pose and they definitely didn’t have a set one because Lauren was laughing the first night (she had her hand draped up on Joey’s head and he was holding her stomach and Brian was 100% third wheeling). They were slightly tamer other shows but she was holding his face and was holding her arm (and Brian was 100% third wheeling) and he did briefly put his hand on her stomach again in one of them). 

This year made me realise how much the show goes to pieces during Priceless but in the best way possible. There was not one single show where Lauren wasn’t giggling during that song, usually because of Jamie followed by Brian followed by Joey even though they’re all doing the same thing they do every time. Joey said “shpeech” every damn show, Lauren was staring Jamie down when she broke, the disgust Emily has for her son never gets old and Brian continues to commit harder to the bit. “Call 911” was funnier than it had any right to be (and I don’t think they knew he was going to say it the first night) and it was sad that the applause started so early he couldn’t say it one show even though of course I love Priceless getting the appreciation it deserves. If the spin is cut from the digital ticket again (it will be) I’ll be devastated. They’re so so touchy during this song, of course (but the hand on the ass really was too much Ms Lopez even if it was for half a second). And it’s so clear to see what a special song it still is for Joey and Lauren to sing together. Best part of the show couldn’t love it more and I’m definitely feeling so normal about the possibility of never hearing it live again.

But them as the Cratchits in general is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given and as phenomenal actors as they are it is really sweet and special to watch them doing something that’s so natural to them they’re not even acting at points. When they walk together during Christmas Day almost every show they would look at each other and the pure genuine love in that look was honestly fucked up. He’d also be stroking her arm back when they were standing together in that song but then in the final show they were holding hands and it made me want to cry! (like I wasn’t already crying at the show).

It simply would not be a SK show without some goofs. Lauren’s giggles were not limited to Priceless, there was the Grandmaland goof that was fucking adorable, as was the look between her and Joey after it happened. She was also laughing during one of the Final Ghosts like babe your son is dead pull it together. There was the show AJ almost fell off the block which happened to be right after I said “this has been really solid for a filmed show”. There was also a show where Ali’s mic wasn’t working for Cold Cold Streets but they were SO on it getting it switched out for Buy a Match that it was almost seamless which really does show how much, while we love the goofs and the charm that comes from knowing these are friends doing what they love together, they are PROS and they’ve been doing this for a long time and are very good at what they do.

I’m also so grateful we saw it as many times as they did because truly not a bad seat in the house. Front row for closing night was insane but sitting on the sides meant I saw a lottt going on backstage. Multiple times Joey putting his hand on Lauren’s back. Her touching his back passing him offstage. Him making her laugh and hyping her up before her entrance in Something Perfect. There was also the time I thought he might have been handing her her mask (which he did have) as they went offstage until I realised, no, they’re just…holding…hands. :) (as Bred and Gruelle mind you)

There’s so much more I could say about how special this show is and how incredible everyone is in it but the fact that I’ve seen it as many times as I have (and all under pretty insane circumstances) speaks for itself. I laughed, I cried, I had the best time, and I really hope they do it every year forever. 

[skyfallscotland]

Ok last Kingdom of Ash update and so, last Throne of Glass update ever! The relief is immeasurable. Let's do this!

Asterin 😭 I feel like that scene would have been so powerful if I didn’t know it was coming, but I had it spoiled for me a while ago

I did cry when Manon begged for Abraxos though 😭

Chaol and Dorian, Dorian crying 🥹🥹 the husbands are reunited!

I hate that there’s so much depression and suicidal ideation in this book but it’s never really addressed?

Aelin brought her husband with her, Chaol brought his 🥹🫡

RHYSAND hiiiiii! 👋🏼

I…kind of hate it when the woman has to give up her power to save the day, but it’s an SJM special I guess

“He adored his friend’s wife already. Likely would have married her, too, if he’d had the chance.” Look, you still can buddy, it seems like you want them both well enough 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’ll never understand the fascination SJM has with having her MC’s fucking in war tents surrounded by soldiers, honestly

She’s riding the staaaag 😭 honestly she is very thranduil coded I must say

Gavriel?! 😭 noooooo, not uncle kitty cat!

“Lorcan glanced at the castle, where he knew Elide was watching and said a silent farewell” oop, this is about to get awkward because she is sooo not being safe lmao

Elide getting stabby is very cute

Aww Dorian + Yrene getting murdery together, the throuple is thriving

What year did this come out? Because I feel like SJM might have watched Avengers: Endgame while writing the final scenes 😂

Sorry, when did they supposedly draw those? They were fighting on horseback??? I'm???

Lorcan and Elide are the cutest tbh and I’ve just realised I blanked right over the “and Lorcan did” 💀😂 I was clearly very engaged

“I hope it will wash off.” 💀

Poor Yrene, her mother in law’s asking to move in already 😂

“You could just marry each other, it would make it easier for you both, so you don’t need to pretend.” Oh yes, I do so love Yrene 😂

Look, I just feel...tired? Relieved? Let down? I don't know. I definitely think this would have been a more impactful ending had I not had the (arguably) few most major things spoiled for me. But I also feel like by 1/3 from the end I was just slogging it, waiting for it to be over. It felt like so much happened, but not much at all and I feel like having two 'big bads' kind of split the attention and made the end blow just so unsatisfying? Yay, happily ever after, but...I don't know.

I like the characters, don't get me wrong. Well, most of them (lol) but maybe that's why it's so disappointing? Because I do really like them. I think it was a bit of a case of doing so little with so much. There are so many stories being told that none of them really get the attention they could have, so many side characters that are so compelling but you don't hear much about. I don't know, it can be hard to bring all those threads together, so I think she did an ok job, it's just that in hindsight it's easy to say perhaps there were too many threads.

I also don't think she ever gives the space necessary to trauma and mental health. Like it's there, but it's never touched upon in the raw way it probably needs to be.

I don't know, I feel like I enjoyed the last couple of books more, but I'm still leaving the series feeling pretty meh about it, which is how I've felt pretty much the whole way through. Not terrible, but in no way lived up to the hype for me, personally.