#im not that depressed feeling

[ganondoodle]

i keep writing those big text posts either complaining or trying to explain my own behavoir- but really what im trying to say is

"sorry i am so quickly irritated and too depressed to draw, theres many stressful things happening IRL and my only escape from it via my hyperfixation has also become stressful bc of things being done with it that i dont like and never expected, thus having a hard time dealing with anything"

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[wowlookwhosspirallingagain]

omg maybe life is worth living [i had a decent day] —> i cannot be saved [the slightest inconvenience occurs] —> i am a fucking god and everyone loves me [someone laughed at my joke] —> i am going to kill myself [i feel a little bit unwanted because of someone’s reaction]

and this shit just goes on and on and NEVER stops

[rainywhispersblog]

[saccharinehell]

There is no place where I belong. I don't fit in anywhere.

[darkacademiboy]

[icecoldslugs]

Something very discouraging I keep seeing happen over and over again is how quick transfems of colour are thrown under the bus once they stop serving their purpose as a rethorical talking point. It really sucks witnessing supposedly leftist white transfems calling for solidarity between us but immediately turning around calling their brown sisters disruptive and self righteous when they rightfully point out something racist that was said.

I don't know it's just very alienating knowing brown trans women will be dropped and singled out as being pick me girls for transmisogynists the second they start talking about racism within the community. It's deeply frustrating.

[deadtotheworld597]

I be checking my phone like I mean something to someone

😂silly fucking me 😂

[inkskinned]

today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.

when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.

i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.

[shuaaflower]

I‘m a burden for everyone. I’m even a burden to myself.

[depressiv]

ⁿᵒᵇᵒᵈʸ ʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵐᵉ ᵃʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ⋅

[boopicide]

i don't wanna die, i just wanna never have existed in the first place.

[sunlit-mess]

snap out of it

[wowlookwhosspirallingagain]

i crave being someone’s first choice so bad. why does no one ever choose me over others?

[rainywhispersblog]

When you grow up in an abusive home, you don’t become a people pleaser to please people. You become a people pleaser to keep the potential for more abuse away.

[bloomdoom1]