#im not telling people to stop making what they want to make im just tired of seeing Skeleton Leans Sexily In A Doorway Half Wearing A Jacke
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rileytheperson · 3 days ago
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I've been seeing quite a bit of posts about mischaracterisation, and I wanted to give my two cents on the topic. I should warn that my two cents really are two cents, meaning my opinion doesn't matter much, so if you disagree, that's completely fine, seeing as I am likely to be wrong.
In the year of our Lord 2024, methinks that we should as a fandom stop policing other people’s interpretations of the characters. This is because the storyline of the album is really vague, and there is no word-of-god confirmation about anything that happens in it. How can you interpret a character wrong if no interpretation of the album itself is really correct? Honestly, you could do so many things with the album that could change the characters. What if the "see how he laughs at you / seethe as he snarls at you" bit from TSE sees the H&M criticising the bits of the other's personality that they actually hate in themselves? "Oh, you thought they were listening? Now, don't be absurd" in Storm and a Spring can be Mind criticising the music industry or being frustrated about not getting through to Heart. You can make up what it was Heart and Mind disagreed over, whether they were friends at the start or enemies all the way through, and what Apathy entails and how long it lasted - all of these things could be changed and those changes could be used to explain how they act. We don't know what Heart and Mind's internal monologue sounds like - both of them may be filtering their thoughts as much or as little as you prefer, which could change their characters greatly [e.g. Mind could be much more hurt by the album's events than he lets on and be masking this hurt by anger or he could really be a cold and cynical machine who is pretending to be angered by the events of the album because he thinks that the best way to get through to Heart is by framing his thoughts in a way he understands, like anger. Or he really could just be angry, like he presents himself. idk im just pulling these three examples out of my ass].
Also, Soul doesn't actually appear much in the album at all, so I think you can interpret him however you want even freer than his counterparts. He might be frustrated by the events of the album, actually, if you take the "if not for you or for him, then please do it for me" in The Bidding, but he really may also be violent, if you take the fact that in The Soul Eclectic he goes directly to death threats and continues those death threats in The Bidding and Light. He could be a mix of both. He could be neither. Maybe he's violent because he's tired. You decide.
There's so many variables in CCCC that condemning one or the other interpretation seems wrong to me. Do whatever you want with them. When interpreting CCCC, what's important is to characterise them the way you enjoy them instead of what fandom tells you to characterise them as.
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deoidesign · 2 months ago
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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reel-fear · 6 months ago
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
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2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
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5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
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Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
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7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
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He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
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So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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puppyeared · 11 months ago
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i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed
#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant#its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things#we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt?#i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an#me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could#feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly#accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore#what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back#with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other??#why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used#to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this??#i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting#for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our#bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us??#im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70#yapping#vent
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pink-lemonadefairy · 2 months ago
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super long big huge tired sigh
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eternallovers65 · 1 year ago
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Thoughts about dramatrio as a forever viewer (and occasionally bad and baghera viewer)
RP WISE!!!! DON'T GO BOTHER THE CC'S
From q!forever's perspective, you can see how the dramatrio was always a duo and not a trio. qbad and qbaghera do not trust forever, and if they do, they don't trust him enough for their secrets.
- They never supported qforever during his presidency (qbad did vote for him, tho). qbad always complained about everything forever did, even tho qforever always tried to listen to him and everyone else.
- qbaghera did not told him the secret about her childhood, but she told qbad. Just like bad didn't tell qforever about the fed worker he kidnapped but he told qbaghera.
- "Oh but qforever took his waystone first" he did that because he asked for an item and no one helped him, so he got tired of helping people but no one helping him
- Also, qbaghera is dapper's mom, and qbad is pomme's dad. qforever was never included in this conversation.
- They say forever will get easily manipulated by the federation because he's the president, but yesterday both bad and baghera said they don't think cucurucho is bad
- They both banned forever from their houses
Anyway, they like to have forever around for the fun part of it, to joke and all but when stuff get serious they don't tell him anything and keep talking about him behind his back. And the only people that actually trust qforever is the favelafive
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ozymoron · 9 months ago
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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phagodyke · 6 months ago
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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rainingincale · 7 months ago
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Why is being a living exisiting human being so very confusing 🙃
#my brain is genuinely the worst place on planet earth ahaha!!#anyways the story that is bringing this on is actually nice i suppose but im exhausted so. let me just get into it and perhaps the dilemna#will make itself more aparant.#basically i hate interacting with people. its exhausting. like genuinely just takes so much brain power and social battery from me. even for#simple things. anyways so im telling someone this in my usual jokey way “im being tortured and kept outside of my home where i could be#chilling with a book“ so the other person is like oh you cant stay inside forever and ever. but then goes on to say from interacting with me#theyd never have guessed that i have such a hard time with talking and hanging out with people. that i never make someone feel like im tired#them or dont wanna talk to them etc. and internally im screaming because like. that is something i stress out so much about because i strugg#le so much with my responses and tone etc etc. thats why its so exhausting for me because im just constantly focussed on what im Supposed to#be like. the other part of me was kind of pleased in a way because i feel so painfully awkward that it stresses me out that people can see#right through me and think that i hate them when its not that i just. hate human interaction because its so tiring. so hearing that was like#oh so no one can even tell and i am stressing. for nothing. dw though this info will not help my brain learn to stop stressing out though#lmao. anyways final point i suppose is that the person also says that even if i am 'awkward' i sort of use it to my advantage and it doesnt#come across in an unsavoury way. anyways idk what to do with all this info. because the way i feel on the inside is so. and i worry a lot#about people seeing that on the outside. but part of me sort of wants it too because i just feel like absolutely no one fucking knows me?#and while i guess that was maybe my goal i also hate it? i shall rb a quote after this. anyways. idk what im saying. i dont fucking know. im#just so tired. so fucking tired.#le text post
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yelloworangesoda · 9 months ago
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gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this
#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me#‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds#im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing#life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something#i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore#i finished. and i hate it#i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here#i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant#it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them#i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just#didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better#idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu#but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years#and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!!#i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad#i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped#like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this#drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me#not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess#yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well.#i dont like to say the words#simons spouting#vent :(
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theevilicecreamsoda · 1 year ago
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I think i ever processed anything that happened from 2021 to now like ever
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orcelito · 1 year ago
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Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this
#speculation nation#daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days...#im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard#im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn.#what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles#and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response#im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day#but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned#and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat.#im just... tired. im so very tired.#i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to#constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing)#and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work#at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think#get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes.#i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding#i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic#but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month.#losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though.#negative/
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago
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Everyone's acting like nothing happened
#i know this is how it always goes when someone dies#but this time i actually care. this time it matters to me that it doesnt matter to everyone else#i dont know. im not mad or anything really#its just so surreal#like nothing matters and maybe it never has#im pretty sure thats not true#but still. i cant help feeling it#i think i know why people believe in afterlifes now. you kinda want to convince yourself of anything#anything just to bargain with your acceptance. to get your mind to tell you youll see them again someday#but i know that i wont. the time i have here is all that i have#and im wasting it and its cruel and i dont know why#i dont know why it hurts to be awake and it hurts to be asleep#it hurts to face reality and it hurts to be disillusioned#im so tired of running from the unfairness of everything as if its not going to follow me around everywhere i go forever#i cant shake that feeling that im going to die one day and no one can stop it and no one can make it matter#i used to look forward to dying. to that eternal rest where I'm never tired or concerned with anything again#but i dont want to leave this world behind#its so cruel and unfair and painful and exhausting. but i want to be here. i want to witness it so desperately and idk why#maybe just for the sake of it. maybe just so i can say that i did#i used to believe in heaven and hell though i was always confused on what the difference is between the two#now i know the truth. it never mattered. its all always been a game to comfort the living#and it didn't comfort me so i discarded those ideas. but now i dont know what will comfort me#maybe nothing will. maybe ill live fearful and in pain for the rest of my life#maybe ill keep waking up tired and falling into restless sleeps until the day my body fails me for the last time#my only comfort is that i dont know#i gotta wait and find out#but boy am i impatient
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rockandrolldisgrace · 2 years ago
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sometimes lifes is cruel to you for no fucking greater meaning but u still have to go through it and just endure
#im tired of enduring and living through it and having to live with everything on my back.#i know theres a way out but it requires patience and im so so fucking tired of being patient and waiting till this ends#everyday is like walking myself to hell and back. and i know where my steps lead me but i still have to carry myself through a nightmare#im tired of being hangover with yesterdays sorrows and screaming and constant and so much pain it makes me want to simply end it all#im tired of having to remind myself of my worth of my future of the things i know im capable of just to not do it.#im tired of always having to remind myself that there will be a time in the future when all these years will only be a footnote.#something small and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. something i just had to go through but no longer have to.#each time i have to remind myself that i WILL grow old. not in spite but for myself. that i will grow to be older than all these moments#this will not keep me back. i am afraid because i can tell NOW how much it actually does.#but once im out of this situation ill really be free. nothing will keep me back. but secretely i know therell be so many things that bind#me to this place. not negative ones. the negatives are the reasons i want out but what about the people#that im going to leave behind? what about my dog whos been my motivation and my everything in the hardest of times?#leaving is cruel but staying would kill me#i hate my life so hard. life is beautiful but mine sucks so bad lol.#it really was beginning to lighten up a little bit but then it all fell down lol#i know that the more time goes on ill stop caring and just continue but right now i cant stop thinking about all the pain
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plethodontidae · 2 years ago
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im so tired of homophobia based in christianity
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rotturn · 2 years ago
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every day on this trip is worse
#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't#she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter#and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip#and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left#i am just. so over this#any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry#and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring#bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again#like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever#but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show#them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare#and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there#are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse#and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd#and gets pissy if i dont want to#and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore#i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit#travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own#let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains#and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere#i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get#to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing#its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back#but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day#negative cw#rant cw#ask to tag cw
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