#im just thinking about the worst. i shouldnt i know but. what if
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i need to sleep but im so fucking anxious god i wanna die
#literally so much depends on tomorrow. im gonna throw up#if i fail this idk what im gonna do with my life#i have no idea how to prep for anything theres no info about what they will ask or how it'll be graded#im so fucking nervous i. i dont know#if this fails me i literally dont know what else to do with myself anymore#i need someone to hold me#sorry if you read my tags this far please send. something cute. something calm. i dont know#i just feel like im gonna combust i have no idea how im gonna sleep#thankfully the interviews not before like 3pm but still. my sleep schedule is fucked as we know so yeah thats a factor#im just thinking about the worst. i shouldnt i know but. what if#what. if#night is an absolute mess on main
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hhh
#in neg city#starting to get that feeling again that im just a bad person :-(#i dont know what it is its just like. i should be friendly i should be nice i should like everyone#but now i find that like even people who i care about A LOT just. annoy me? like i constantly feel annoyed by people#and thinking the meanest things and it makes me feel like im just like Him just someone with a rotten heart and soul#it makes me feel like the worst person in the world. i dont even feel real most days now but this makes me feel awful#like okay maybe i am just rotten to the core. maybe i shouldnt have friends#i want to isolate so bad just so no one has to deal with me#i dont want anyone to talk to me i dont deserve it i dont deserve anything#im an awful person and i just need to accept that ig
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me at chief seo this most recent episode
#i mean what did i expect rooting for the bad guys asdfdghjkjkl#but damn he lost classy points in my opinion#this is about his comments to jung bae in that elevator btw#i condone his violence and murder asdfghjgjkl#but not those kinds of comments#he is on thin ice#the worst of evil#he was still hot though#cant deny that#knife guy my hot shitty man#i just think he'd make classier insults than that ya know#me and the writers at the table while i try to explain my obsession with a very obvious murderer and why they shouldnt write him Like That#im laughing at myself tbh
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It feels undeserving 👍
#once again thinking if i should like. not tell anyone#not tell anyone when the festival will be held nor my thesis defense#dont tell anyone absolutely anyone so no one can come see me#whyshould i make people waste time on seeing probably one of the worst things i have worked on#i feel. judged everyday. nothing is as good as it should be#this does not feel like a feat but rather a terrible shame#who cares about my degree i always feel like im being shamed when someone broughts up the fact im working on my thesis#i like what i study. dont get me wrong. and i dont think this in general. this is a me only issue and iknow that#and i know everyone would get upset with me#not like my mind cares haha the thoughts wont stop even if i try to be rational#i feel like such a terrible burden just asking for help. i feel like everyones thinking what a disappointment i am#i shouldnt need help. i should be doing this alone. and it should be way better than the garbage im making#last class the professors asked me 'why did u rate yourself so low? your work is fine'#i didnt even pick the low option i wanted. i picked a higher one to be generous with myself. i wish i had picked a 1. thats what i deserved#even if they say it looks good or that they r excited to see what i make. it all sounds like lies in my head#no one showing up is what i deserve. i shouldnt ask for help. i shouldnt celebrate anything#i wish people would yell at me and tell me what a fuck up i am#'the people that love you would be excited to help you if you would actually let them'#it all feels like a set up for showing what an idiot i am#haunted.txt
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i honestly deserved none of the shit ppl did to me that lead me to this point
#yall made a victim bitter and hate everyone. congratz ig. keep convincing yourself its somehow activism.#me saying a slur i shouldnt have in 2013/14 bc the ppl around me irl normalized it to me and that repelling people online from me?#understandable. everything else? yeah you can all fuck yourselves with a rake.#plus- that was literally 11/10 years the fuck ago. do you really genuinely believe in all of that time that im still fucking saying it#the only way you could believe that is if you thought I was some sort of secret strategic right winger whos planning ???? something#god the fuck knows what it would even be#if you think im somehow tainted bc of that past I think you might be a lil controlling of a person#im sorry no one is a pure person who never does wrong. get over yourself bc you sure as fuck arent perfect my good bitch#it was 11/10 years ago AND i was a fucking kid. yeah. i think im bound to make mistakes bc of the inherent ignorance of being a child.#i dont think that deserves to be held against me my entire life especially since I now heavily disagree with the reasoning for why#i thought it was ok to say in the fucking first place#yall just want an eternal punching bag and thats really it.#i could become a fucking saint and it wouldnt matter bc dur he said bad word 11 years ago worst thing anyone could do ever fer sure#yall are impossible to please and its why no one but the people you've guilted and manipulated gives a fuck about trying.#and even they eventually see it for the bullshit it is.#yall want someone to control and do everything you say. not for people to become better to others. you dont give a fuck#you auth piece of shit.#thats why i had to learn that slur was still bad to say offline. bc all the people online wanted to do was control my actions#tell ME what to do. tell ME what to draw. when they have no fucking right to TELL ME what to do. you can ask- im more receptive to being#asked to not do something. but any type of behavior control? good fucking luck. you think I failed highschool just bc of the bullying#n shit? nah its bc I dont like being ORDERED to do shit. and I never fucking will! and theres nothing anyone can fucking do to#make me do shit and if they try to force me to do shit they're controlling as fuck and authoritarian.#i have learned SO MUCH more on my own volition and desire to learn vs when I was TOLD that I HAD to.#all my life ive rebelled against this shit. you bet your ass im not about to stop with yall. ask me like im a fucking person#not TELL me to do something like im a fucking slave to your whims.#fuck you
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i am so stressed btw
#wind howls#like ill survive but today i had a moment of Point Of No Return and im nervous about it.#its also a little over 3:30 am so i know i shouldnt trust what im thinking#im gonna start embroidering shirts for my parents like. wedding thingy community and we ordered stuff in bulk today#but that + the cost of the new embroidery machine + the threads and whatnot have officially surpassed all the money i have#so i cant back out of this any longer. and thats okay. i am trying to calm down about it. itll be okay. im just scared to commit.#but im telling myself. we are meeting a need and demand. there shouldnt be any problems with the sales. ill be okay. ill be okay.#but im very nervous. my mom was kind and tried to reassure me which im grateful for because she rarely talks to me like that.#she was soft with her words. i didnt realize i was that obvious eith my nerves because she.. never is soft with her words like that#the biggest fear i have is to commit to this. but im following the set rules and theres nothing to lose that will fuck me over forever#ill be okay. ill be okay ! once it gets going itll be okay. i know how to work the machine. ive done test runs and ive been improving.#ill be okay. its something i can do while ill be doing homework or other assignments. it wont take all my time. ill be okay.#itll be a passable source of income. itll be good for me ! itll be good. ill be okay. im also not alone. ill be okay. i really will be#setting foot in the water for the first time is the worst part of a fun time at the pool. the best way to start is to jump in all at once.#ill be okay. if i stall any longer ill chicken out. and i cant do that any longer but thats okay. ill be okay. everything will be okay.#and right now i sound silly but i am soothing myself and its kinda working so everyone has to be nice to me okay ? ill be okay.#committing is the hardest part. my mom is helping me keep records and then ill be able to do it on my own. im not alone. ill be okay.#im okay. im okay ! its okay. ill be okay. i really will be
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#my posts#adding this do they of you rest this you clocked on it to see more#or at least you are reading this bc you decided to do so#... this is kinda. stupid but im just tired of feeling like it doesnt matter what i do its always wrong#like. sometimes i feel like i should try to do something out that doing a thing will be okay#and it... doesn't really happen. like it's never worst case scenario either but i just always end up feeling bad#like I'm never sure if where I'm standing and I'm just in a series of trap doors that will always end up opening once i stand on them#they never get me too far down bc it's never all that important#but..... I'm never going up either#...... idk i feel like I'm being dramatic and overreacting. but also I'm just feeling. bad. and I'm tied of that#... posting it anyway bc im not sure if its the kind of thing that id easily reach out to friends about lmao#i know i shouldnt. project how bad i feel about myself on them but i feel like im annoying and id bother them. or that theyd dont care#i know it's wrong but. cant really stop it and asking for reassurance feels.. bad also#....... theres a lot going on im just gonna stop. ill post it and stop i think#..... not even sure i should post it to begin with but#deleting it or putting it into drafts doesnt exactly feel like screaming into the void. not the same way as posting it
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thinking about ex boyfriend! bakugou who is so fucking smug because he was your first and doesnt ever leave you alone… smut included.
an: this shouldnt have taken all day, but today was pretty shit. 😀
you roll onto your right side, feeling the vibration of your phone buzzing. it unlocks looking at your face identifying, and you groan in annoyance. “hello?”
“mornin’ , sleepin’ slut. bad night with the new guy?” you recognize the voice, bakugou. “just wasn’t doin’ nothin’ for you, huh?” he laughs a little bit, a sigh afterwards.
“do you realize what fucking time it is?” you ask, squinting to look at the white numbers in the corner. “it two fifty three in the goddamn morning.”
“and i bet he’s gone by now, isnt he?” katsuki asks, an expectant huff.
“who?” you ask, almost damn near impersonating a actual owl. “because i dont know who the fuck you’re referring to. ive been at home all day.”
“yer’ new little boy toy. i knew youd whore yourself out to make me jealous.” he says, biting his lip when he heard you starting to argue back and get loud. “yeah? im fuckin wrong?”
“very much so, very slow at that.”
“i mean, we wouldnt be here had you not gotten ‘fed up.’” he reminds, biting his lip and tugging at his hero pants when you scoff. “all we gotta do is get back together and y’know..”
“yes, lets get back together mr.dynamight who liked to get an attitude when things dont go his way or will purposely lie about shit to make me jealous, i love you.” you say sarcastically, rolling your eyes and pinching the bridge of your nose.
“really?” he asks, a hand groping himself when he waits for your answer.
“no.” you say, pressing the end call button and tossing the phone into the laundry hamper. sleep was good when you didnt have an ex boyfriend calling you in the buttfuck hours of the morning, but he pestered you more. you obviously hear his calls going to voice mail, but its good that the ringer turned off when you threw it.
‘one new voicemail. should i play?’ the fax machine asks, replying with a ‘sure.’ out of pity, was the pussy that good he was obsessed? or was he desperate?
‘you know you want me back, princess.. just call me back and show me how much you miss me.’
yeah fuckin right.
you listen closer, hearing heavy breathing and… slick? was this fucker only booty calling you at fucking three in the morning for this? is that why he called you?
‘not just callin’ ya because im horny or nothin.. but god, do i miss seeing you.’ as soon as you thought the worst. ‘miss seein’ yer pretty face.. or seeing the dumb shit you send me at work.’
you ponder on his words… but had he not been a bit of an asshole, you wouldnt be here. all of this was because he wanted you jealous, and ended up you spitting in his face then leaving.
‘need ta tell ya somethin anyway..’ he mumbles, a groan from his lips. you knew what he was doing, it slightly turned you on. ‘never slept with her.. just lied so you can show me how you can be crazy ‘bout me.. it was stupid.’
yeah, it was. who the fuck lies about that?
‘miss you so damn bad..’ he says, probably pre nut clarity. he moans a little bit, heavy breathing from him stroking his fat cock. ‘cmon baby, talk to me.’
and an idea pops in your head, you finding some really old photo of you and izuku.
#bakugo katuski#kastuki bakugou#bnha bakugo x reader#bakugou#katsuki bakugou#bakugou katsuki#bakugou x black reader#bakugo smut#yandere bakugou#bnha bakugou#katsukibakugou
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hi
im sorry i was gone for so long
im really sorry for making you all worry about me. i dont know how im doing like...im not okay. im so exhausted. that night i saw something that wont leave and no matter how hard i try not tohink about it it just keeps coming back and i dont know what to do anymore
that was one of the worst nights of my life. i had a panic attack alone in that basement and i couldnt call for my mom. i just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay and what i saw was a dumb joke and i would be okay. i cried alone for nights. i wanted to call my mom or even my dad if hes still alive. i just wanted someone to be there
i thought writing about what i saw would make it worse. i thought if i never went back into the basement or i never came back here id focus on something else and put all this behind me. it didnt work. if i wasnt thinking about the cartoon, i thought about simon. part of me wanted to search fro him online, but i was scared of what i would find. he hasnt been here for me or mom anyways so whats the point?
nothing worked. nothing stopped these thoughts.
but maybe i shouldnt deal with this alone
im not sure if this is even making sense. i understand if you dont want to talk to me anymore. this has been so hard and im scared of whats going on but i jujst needed some place to talk about things. i cant keep this to myself anymore
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chapter 11.
wc: 1.7k words
another rock was thrown in the lake as you sighed. “i cant believe he did that to me, and i cant believe they hid that from me!”
keeho rubbed your back and listened to you quietly, knowing that all you needed at that moment was someone to listen to you. “he couldve talked to me! he knows im a good listener! it shouldnt need to end up like this…” you looked at your hands that were resting on your lap while your fingers were playing with the little rocks you were holding. you let out a frustrated sigh and looked at the lake that reflected the moons light. “ah, i dont know,” you threw a rock far away in the lake. the rock jumping a few times before finally leaving your eyesight as it fell down into the water.
“wanna know the worst part?” you chuckled bitterly and didnt even give keeho time to answer, you were already talking again. “i love him way too much to even say that i hate him or wish him the worst. id probably break up with him either way… i just didnt want things to end like this.”
“youd break up with him either way?”
“keeho, i love chan too much to let him keep me by his side after i become a burden for him. ive already met him when he had his dream of becoming an idol clear as day, how would i let him give up on his dream just for the sake of a relationship? he can get over me, but he cant get over his dream,” you said as you looked at keeho with so much sadness in your eyes. you knew that what you were saying was the most rational and right thing to think, say, and do, but deep down, your heart is broken, and you are screaming to have chan back deep inside.
“so, you want my opinion on this, or do you want me to just listen to you?”
“no, you can speak up.”
“first of all, you have all the right to be mad and upset at him, yeri and sieun, but you have to understand their sides as well. about sieun and yeri, they knew about this, but should they really tell you? some people would say yes, some people would say they did the right thing because this is between you and chan and they found out without wanting to. chan didnt tell them, he has no clue that they know,” keeho took a rock out of your hands and threw it in the lake. “now, about chan… he was an asshole, yes. he shouldve never treated you like that. but hes torn between you or his career, and that shows how much he loves you, dont you agree? imagine having someone loving you so much to the point of not knowing if they should choose you or pursue the dream they have had since they were a little kid.”
listening to keeho’s words made your eyes tear up and your lips tremble. he was right, chan loves you that much. “i think you should listen to what he has to say, but not right now. do that when youre feeling ready, okay? and dont be mad at sieun and yeri, they did what they thought was the best for you, and by sieuns message she was feeling really bad from hiding that from you, and you know how yeri is, i bet she was feeling bad as well.”
keeho patted your back and gave you a small and reassuring smile. you studied his face, and you saw nothing but love and empathy in his eyes, not a single hint of pity. he didnt pity you for being lied to and having to break up with the love of your life, he never once pitied you, and thats one of the countless reasons that you love about keeho. he loves you for who you are and always showed you how theres no one better to be your best friend but him.
you closed the distance between you by pulling him into a tight hug. the way he hugged you back immediately made you finally break down into tears.
you knew that even if it hurt and it would take a while to heal from this, everything would be fine because you have the best friendship ever and because you were making the right choice for the guy you romantically love more than anything.
the ride home just wasnt silent because keeho knows how to crack a joke and light up your mood. a part of you was almost forgetting about chan for the moment until your eyes landed on him sitting on the ground outside your house. the boy who was looking down at his own feet immediately looked up when he heard your laugh—your laugh that died once you noticed him—and felt his heart beat faster. he stood up while you stayed still with keeho beside you.
“do you want me to tell him to go away?” keehos question came out as a whisper. its not easy to tell that keeho adores chan, but he would fight him if you asked him to. even tho youre older than him, keeho thinks that he has to protect you just like an older brother would protect his little sister. “no, its fine. you should go tho.. see you at school, and thank you for today.”
keeho nodded and pat your shoulder before glancing at chan and flashing him a smile as he walked away, leaving you and chan alone.
“what are you doing here and how long were you waiting for me?” you made your way to the front door while taking your keys out of your pocket. “i wanted to talk... if youre up to, of course. ive been waiting not for much time,” chan lied. he went to your house a few minutes after you left with keeho. “when i came i saw that the lights of your room were off and supposed you were out. i didnt want to bother your parents by asking for you and waiting inside in case you didn’t want to talk to me.”
“what do you even want to talk about, chan?” your voice showed a hint of frustration, which didnt go unnoticed by chan, making him frown a little bit. “i want to apologize, yn. i shouldnt have acted like that, i recognize my mistake. i dont know what i was thinking… i was under do much pressure yesterday and- and…” his eyes started to be filled with tears, and his voice started to crack, he was trying his best to hold back his tears, but was failing miserably. “and i love you so much, i dont want this to be the end. i just dont know what to do. im so sorry.”
chan started to cry for real, sobs coming out from his mouth as he fell on his knees and looked up at you with a hopeless and extremely hurt expression. “i was supposed to show you every single day how much i love you and never be the reason of your worries, insecurities, and tears from sadness or anger. gosh-“ he choked on his own sob before continuing. “im so sorry. i dont know what to do. this is killing me.”
it was impossible to see that sight of him and not start to cry as well. it hurt you more seeing him like that than the whole situation itself that led you to this. “chan… stand up, please.” he shook his head and stayed on his knees. he tried to speak, but his sobs interrupted him, and his voice didnt even need to threaten him to fail, it was already a fact that if he tried to speak, his voice wouldnt go out. chan’s throat was tensioned, it was like there was something huge and painful stuck in it, and that feeling was more than agonizing.
you took a few steps closer to him and gently wrapped your arms around his head, which made him instantly lean into your touch and hug your hips as he mumbled countless im sorry against the beginning of your thigh.
you let him be as you waited for him to calm down and took the opportunity to calm down as well, trying your best to stop crying and ease the pain in your chest.
“i… i know why you were acting like that. its better for us to break up, chan.” as soon as the words came out of your lips, chan immediately looked at you. his expression showing a hint of shock, confusion, and horror. “w-what? how..? why?”
“dont ask me how, just be aware that i know the reason,” you sighed, ran your fingers through your hair, bit your lower lip, and looked at chan while he slowly started to stand up. “this is your dream, chan. why would you throw that away?”
“because you also became my dream, yn! i mean- fuck! im so in love with you, ever since we started dating, my dream is to see you walking down the aisle in your wedding dress and saying yes to me! i want you and you only! dont do this to me, dont do this to us.”
you clenched your fist. why is he making everything more complicated? all you wanted to do was kiss him until you lost your breath, but you couldnt. you had to stay strong and not back down.
“dont make this difficult. the decision has been made, chan. i dont want to keep in this relationship anymore. you should go after your real dream, not your little fantasy.”
“yn, please-“
“enough, chan,” you cut him off. “stop embarrassing yourself and go home.”
you opened the front door and went inside without even glancing at chan. you knew that if you looked at him one more time, youd give up, and you couldnt risk.
once the door was closed, all your walls were destroyed. you sat down on the floor with your head in your hands and started to cry as hard as possible, even losing your breath.
on the other side of the door, there was chan staring at it with no expression or thoughts. he had cried so much before that there were no tears left to cry, he just stayed there staring at the door for a few minutes before slowly turning around and making his way to his house with his heart broken.
if humans had seven hearts, chan was sure that all of his seven heart would be absolutely destroyed
HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS
yn and chan date since their freshman year and are truly high school sweethearts, but will chan’s dream of becoming an idol get between their relationship?
masterlist — prev — next
taglist: @ivehypnosis @wonkierideul @ateez-atiny380 @noircheols @222brainrot @odxrilove @vixensss @starshuas
#seventeen x reader#seventeen imagines#svt imagines#svt fanfic#seventeen fanfic#seventeen x you#lee chan fanfic#chan fanfic#chan scenarios#lee chan#lee chan smau#lee chan fic#lee chan scenarios#chan smau#svt chan#svt fic#dino x reader#dino fanfic#svt dino#dino smau#seventeen smau#svt smau#lee chan imagines#chan imagines#chan fic
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Synastry aspects that I personally don’t like.
before i start please read that I am not an official astrologer so take this with a grain of saltttt too haha. Just for fun.
North node square north node ( I’m sorry but each one lives in a whole different worlds, completely different perspectives, mindset, somehow not letting each other move to the next step)
Chiron in 7th house overlay. ( now Chiron isn’t always bad, but there’s kind of.. pain it gives , it’s not any better in other houses, but I’m saying romantically, there could be hurt during the marriage... if you want Chiron overlays in synastry please lmk)
Pluto/Uranus in 12th house overlay. ( now Mose of y’all know 12th house overlays arent so good eventually, but i think Pluto or Uranus being there could be harsher than any other planet , could indicate so many things, one of them unpleasant endings in the relationship, finding truth about something suddenly, betrayal..in worst cases you won’t be able to forget each other )
Saturn 8th house overlay. (Sure y’all know why..)
Mars conjuct Mc/10th house. ( uhhhh it just don’t give me nice vibes when both are seen in public eye. Could be arguing in public a lot, the mars person makes it hard for the 10th person to forgive them. Works even in composite chart )
Mercury square Saturn. ( a lot of judgements and misunderstandings)
Chiron opposite asc/Venus.
Saturn opposite Neptune. (Broo)
Moon opposite moon. (Now tbh Im not really sure of this one since nobody complained about it and it could indicate “slight” emotional understanding difficulties with each other that can also cause attraction. But I’ve seen this aspect with some couple that really can’t stop hurting eachothers emotionally . )
Another moon aspect, ofc moon is the first thing you should observe In synastry s, it simply represents how each other’s emotions play with the other. now moon square moon. Obviously most of y’all know why, literally each one is on different page when it comes to how they view emotions which makes it pretty hard to understand each other’s feelings with the square aspect. ( believe it or no I have this one with my man, even knowing it I’m still with him lol. yes the attraction is definitely there due to other loving aspects and also with this one, it gives attractive energy yes. but still, he don’t understand my emotions and my point of view, struggles with analyzing me sometimes or what I even think , even when I try my best to throw him an obvious sign about something, without me speaking, he don’t get it where everyone else does same goes for me 🤣😭. he sometimes thinks I mean something the opposite of what I meant. Bottom line is with this aspect you need to speak each other’s feelings and what you want to tell the other cause it’s way too impossible to understand eachother with no words spoken. 😓 AAAA THIS IS THE ONLY STRUGGLING PLACEMENT WE HAVE AND ITS NOT EVEN A SIMPLE ONE)
Mars in 5th house, ( Now this is NOT a red flag, bUTTTT i always read about this placement represents a “not lasting relationship “ and tbh every fling I had I had this placement with, literallyyyy very guy I used to dm or talk to even for a couple of days, attraction at first but then boom, you din yourself not talking to them anymore for god knows what reason lol, so there’s something interesting about this placement. 🤔🤣 ( pink for flings 🤣)
Mars 1st house.... ( uhh you know what? Wait for part 2 😛 )
But before part 2 I’ll make my next post positive I promise, I didn’t even want to write red flags placements because it shouldnt be taken seriously haha. So next post will be about .. hmm wait , what you guys want it to be about?
Synastry observations
Natal chart observations
composite observations
Solar return observations
— Y’all literally if u find one of these placements in your synastrys it’s totally okay lol, I have multiple of these w my man and tbh some of them don’t really play this negative way for us, but i just did them for fun , ofc don’t take these TOO seriously 🥰
#astro community#astro observations#astro placements#astrology placements#astrology tumblr#obsessed synastry#asteroids in synastry#d9 chart#elegant#expensive#astro notes#astrology#red flags
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new audio ramble (yap below the cut) (this is not organized just my pure unfiltered thoughts)
god this audio just ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it because OWWWW OW OW OWWWW
i love flawed and complicated relationships actually, and im living for the fact that theyre both in the wrong here. Treasure shouldnt have pushed the issue, and Porter shouldnt have been so passive aggressive about the whole thing, especially how he seemed to specifically say things in order to make Treasure feel worse when, ultimately, they were just wanting to help (but went about it the worst way possible)
i find it so interesting that Porter Solaire, the man who directly asked Treasure if they wanted to take their relationship further, completely shuts down their attempts at getting to know him better/understanding him. this isnt dragging on him, its just something i find interesting (its also making me hold my head in my hands like PORTERRR PLEASEEEE YOU HAVE TO TRUST THEMMMM)
pulling from a discussion me and my friends are having, one of my friends pointed out that Porter may resent Treasure. not resent in a hateful way, but resent the fact that they dont have to worry about holding an entire vampire house on their shoulders. he did specifically bring that up, that theyre human, that they wouldnt understand, that the only things they have to worry about are mundane compared to what hes going through
but whatever Treasure is going through isnt mundane or simple or anything of the like

shoutout to this person specifically for saying what i was thinking. looking back at the way they acted in Porter's very first audio; "Leaving their friends at the bar indicates that they weren’t great friends to begin with. Immediately believing a stranger when he says he’s a vampire, allowing him to lure you into the woods" as said by my friend
and Porter directly says this too!! "Tell me, have you ever taken more than a moment to think of the chain of events that has led to us standing here in this room together? The kind of internal tumult that has led you here into the arms of a total stranger, inconceivably vast power imbalance and all?"
and again, the laundry comment really makes me think that Treasure's life isnt much better than Porter's. i mean, sure, they arent out risking their life and killing old bloods, but its clear that they struggle with depression and/or loneliness
their separate lives shouldnt even be a comparison in the first place. its just like Angel after the Inversion, where they thought that David had it worse, that their pain wasnt as bad and didnt need attention. pain isnt a competition, and the way you live your life isnt either

shoutout to this person for also saying what i was thinking!! i dont have much to add since anything i would want to say has pretty much already been said lol
in the end, theyre both in the wrong, and that is a real depiction of a relationship and even if it hurts you cant say its not good
#i might yap more abt this later but lil ol me is tired#so thats it for now :3#redacted asmr#redactedverse#redacted audio#redacted porter#redacted treasure#vinn says fandom things#vinn yapping#vinn says really dumb stuff
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i just feel like if you cant debate someone w/o insulting them then you're kinda just using it as an outlet for all of your asshole-ness
#you shouldnt have assholeness inside you anyways but. if you do you probably grew up thinking its just like. socially normal#instead of idk. trying to get along?? theres no reason you gotta insult ppl esp for things they cant change#it also makes you look lazy in the way u argue#yes yes ik i call ppl dipshits a lot but to me its more of a 'im worried about u/ur wellbeing/ppl around u for u not knowing better'#rather than a:#'hah u idiot loser ur so dumb and im so so much smarter and cooler and faster than you heh' kinda thing that some ppl do 😒😒😒#ig that can be a bit patronizing but id prefer that over someone whos just an immature full-of-themselves asshole tbh#not tryna say its ok bc ppl dont necessarily know i mean it in that way when i say it but yeah. i dont think im the worst about this ill sa#that much and thats not the reason im posting about it. a looooooot of yall on here are waaaaaaaaay worse about it lmao.#i think we should all try to stop doing it. and that doesnt mean me trying harder than yall if anything yall need to try harder than me#oh and uh me telling you What It Is isnt the same as me insulting you. btw. at worst its patronizing when you Do know better#but otherwise im literally just trying to be helpful. even if it is snappy and said pettily sometimes 💁#at least i can rest easy knowing i tried being helpful rather than feeling like a self-proclaimed 'morally superior' egotistical jackass#💁💁💁💁💁#i dont know better! i know what i know and i work off of what i know and help people from where i come from and my own experience#i dont claim to know everything i dont stand on this rock claiming to conquer all that is to be known about it like some of yall do#i dont get on my high horse trying to preach to people abt How They Should Be Or Else They're Irredeemable (And Also I'm Perfect btw)#and if i ever do its for the least serious thing possible and im probably fuckin joking#and ig rn i am kinda doing a 'i do this better than you' thing but again its a#'i do this better than you. you should be able to do it as well as i do too or better. challenge urself to be better' thing rather#than 'haha look at me im so much smarter than you and better than you and more deserving! everybody praise me!!!' thing
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this is going to come off as obnoxious to the people who won’t understand where im coming from but im sure all the qties with BPD on here will relate at least to some degree 😵💫
i hate when i say “i hate myself” and people around me automatically turn to say “well (reason) so you shouldnt” spoiler alert but i know !!!!!!! i know that i shouldn’t but its so hard when you feel NOTHING on a daily basis. best day of your life? the good feelings last a solid 17 minutes. worst day of your life? you’ll feel like jumping off the nearest cliff or jumping in front of a passing car and feeling like you’re in the worst distress youve ever been but one nap later, youre back to feeling that pit inside while not even being able to fully remember what exactly had you so upset.
i hate that and i hate myself for it. does that mean i don’t care about myself? no. i still go grab a jacket when im cold. i still care whether im being put in a harmful situation or not. i still care about myself enough to not be putting myself in harms way 24/7. i just dont have the emotional permanece to love myself when there’s a void actively sucking and draining the emotions from me. its so frustrating when the people around you are like “just love yourself 😍” like girl don’t you think ive tried? i dont say “i hate myself” for pity or sympathy (no shame if you do tho) but as a cry of frustration.
it’s like watching a bridge about to collapse and trying to scream that no one should cross it but being unable to get the message across. i *know* there’s reasons why i shouldn’t hate myself but they just never feel good enough for the void. i hate being told how to feel when ive tried everything to change but i know it’s useless
#actually bpd#bpd safe#cluster b#cluster b safe#bpd things#bpd life#bpd#bpd tag#bpd problems#bpd blog#bpd shit#bpd stuff#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#bpd feels#bpd mood#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#borderline pd#borderline blog#borderline thoughts#borderline problems#borderline things#actually bipolar
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AS I SAID I WOULD: heres the post yapping about how Makoto's Career Choices have Ren Putting Her At A Distance
by no means do they stop being friends. she just ends up drifting a little further away from him in his circles of intimacy. they raise their walls around her a little. there's some part of him feels betrayed but. he'd sooner let the earth swallow him than bring it up. ren feels like an asshole for feeling uncomfortable about their friends goals.
what right does he have to tell her what she should or shouldnt do. he just doesnt. (especially when he already made the call to take a happy future away from her once. a future with her dead father. who she wants to honor by becoming a cop in the first place)
i think it would have potential to come up during strikers. because. (looks at the circumstances of strikers through the lens of rens trauma)
yeah.
they've essentially been blackmailed by the police again. who are out to arrest ren and his friends for shit they didnt fucking do. and they have to put their trust in one of them. and ren is Really Not Doing So Good But Hes Repressing That. and meanwhile makoto's over here talking to the cop whos infiltrated their group about what its like being on the force. and ren wants to start slamming his head through the walls
ren, who has spent the past 4 months living with their shitty parents and has fallen back into old survival patterns is. REALLY not up for creating a situation that could create potential for confrontation. but makoto is no dummy and can probably tell that hes really not comfortable (in general) but that. particularly. the ways they interact have changed. and she would want to get to the bottom of whats bothering them
and god, what hasnt been? had the metaverse not come back maybe ren would have been able to relax enough to talk to his friends about what hes been going through at home. but theyre tight lipped about that now. his problems arent as important as everything else going on. but i can see ren cracking.
REN: i dont want to convince you to abandon the path. you want to travel. i know your dad. means. a lot to you. you want to honor him. because of what he stood for-- he was a hero to you. REN: but your dad is gone makoto. REN: while i-im still here. and i almost wasnt. i could have--- i almost died. i wished i had. (i was in so much pain i just wanted it to be over) REN: all because of people who you would end up having to answer to. i dont (god breathing is hard) REN: understand. how you. can reconcile with that. how you can try. and comfort me. when im in the crosshairs of the police. and then turn around and chat with the guy. who threatened to arrest me. about how you want to join the force REN: i know you makoto. and that's why i dont understand. and i dont. know how to be okay with that. im not. im sorry but it just makes me sick to my stomach every time it comes up
honestly whether rens feelings about it would come up during strikers or not til Rens Distortion Arc. she would be like. oh god he thinks i dont care. and it would BREAK HER HEART. like. especially because i think makoto could feel some guilt about the plan she primarily helped throw together to trick goro so last minute that. put ren through what he considers the worst day of his life. the ren that went into that concrete room did not come back out.
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May I request Rhode Island/New Jersey ship headcanons 🙏
breaking news; the two lamest guys you know have found each other and are now gaslighting themselves into thinking ok so i might suck, but at least im not as bad as THAT guy-
they just are the worst. like jersey dresses solely in 90s jacket over big shirt over long sleeve combo and rhode dresses like hes a pirate in the recession forced to take on a job in the mob to earn cash
and all they do is annoy others. 90% of the day is just them bitching about u loudly and to your face and daring u to fight them a la 'what are you going to do tough guy? fight me?'
god bless these two and facebook. jersey uses it like your jerseyshore aunt (passive agressive hate posts) and rhode like your conspiracy theorist uncle (swear to god guys my ex wife hired a hitman against me) and they shouldnt be trusted
and you know what theyre dangerous. jersey makes no attempt whatsover to stop rhode biting people who make fun of his height. rhode makes no attempt to stop jersey from decking a guy for the whle pork roll talyor ham debate
so much violence from such little guys.....
difficult difficult ask for a rhodecut no1. i powered on. god strongest babygirl
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