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I raise you dyslexic Maine

what are your thoughts on that

uses it as a weapon to get out of stuff he doesnt want to do. gov sends him 800000 billion emails begging him to do an NE meeting and he doesnt. when asked about it says 'oh im dyslexiz i couldnt read that'. gov types 'can i kill a man w real bullets' into his work computer and fbi does nothing bc its worth it if he kills maine.

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big fan of nev becoming accidentally nonbinary. they got addicted to the wouldnt you like to know weatherboy meme when it came out. uses it as their answer to every question theyre ever asked and is super confused why everyone is calling them 'they' all of a sudden until they remember that one document they filled out purely with weatherboy responses that may or may not make legally made them nonbinary.

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anyways back to talking about the men the myths the legends the 5 guys under 5'9 otherwise known as new england

obviously the first question most of us has is why call themslves 5 guys under 5'9. theres more than five of them

the answer is unfortunately that the name was made by rhoda when he was mad at cut, and it just stuck bc theyre all too stupid to come up with a better rhyme. 'six dudes under 5'2' was just an insult to very fragile egos.

jersey is also in and out of the crew bc whilst he isnt a member of new england, he has no other friends and gets super insufferable ab it. the early 2000s was riddled with cyrptic facebook posts and the second hand embarrassment was so bad they just let him in out of pity

they all have a member of the group they believe isnt a real 5 guy. they all assume theyre the only real permanent member. it causes earth shattering arguments

in terms of how the group functions... its like having guardianship over a team of feral cats. maine calls them all going hey..... you need to help me kill a guy for research purposes..... its for my book..... and u just have to do it.

its definitely a whiplash in activities bc monty's going to bring his 800th maple syrup experiment and its clear hes run out of ideas now but telling him its bad would make him froath at the mouth mad...

its essentially a really shit fight club. its supposed to be a group of friends but theyre abnormal. and they just fight. all day.

its also the worlds worst marriage counselling team. imagine youre having problems with your relationship. you go to your friends. they give you three options 1) kill he 2) fire 3) start a war

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#Rhode standing in front of Judge Illi “your honor you shouldn’t grant this divorce because it’ll ruin the bit”

oohhhhhh i wish i could write this fic rhodes trying soooooo hard not to ruin his bit and cut is only letting him bc the borat accent is so bad it makes his stupid husband look sooooo stupid. rhodes suddenly reading wikihow 1000 ways to impress your wife and cuts wondering how long he can put up with nautical themed pick up lines. rhode keeps doing that fuckass impression and cut is forced to make out w him sloppy style everywhere they go

anyways answer to the question 'who instigates the most divorces' is 10000% cut. cut is a natural petty bitch okay hes awful. this is not to say that rhode isnt twice as bed, but that rhode really likes saying 'my wife' when no-one asked. in recent years he has become so much more insufferable since he discvoered he could do a half-decent borat impression and is now begging cut on his hands and knees not to leave him bc it'll 'ruin the bit'.

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anyways answer to the question 'who instigates the most divorces' is 10000% cut. cut is a natural petty bitch okay hes awful. this is not to say that rhode isnt twice as bed, but that rhode really likes saying 'my wife' when no-one asked. in recent years he has become so much more insufferable since he discvoered he could do a half-decent borat impression and is now begging cut on his hands and knees not to leave him bc it'll 'ruin the bit'.

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thinking of rhodecut again....... rhodecut au where rhode loves biting cut bc hes a diet cannibal and cut loves being bitten bc hes a freak..... cut desperately trying to cover up for the fact hes covered in bites like 'guys guys i swear i got attacked by a horse' all his dumbass friends panic theres a wild horse on the loose ab to bite them. the wild horse in question is sat at the end of the table grinning

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#question for the fandom: who would reenact king's books with maine?#<- I would say that New Hampshire is lwk forced to#possibly theater kids nj and ny. somehow

its his gang of tiny terrors the 5 under 5'9 rhode and new hampshire. vermont is part of the team but stands awkwardly off to the side because somehow rhode always ends up being a rabid dog/clown/monster/goldfish and biting someone. most of the NE assumes this ametur theater group is a joke because theres no way rhode and hammy could be caught acting, until they remember that they both love killing people as enrichment.

maine begs ny on his hands and knees to come and york refuses every time. this is not because he's always given the girl parts, but because he has no interest reading maine's fuckass books. nj revokes his guys under 5'9 citizenship bc he throws a dramatic wine facebook mom 'never trust a man w nice hair #wolfinsheepsclothing #haters' fit over not being invited. they refuse to invite him bc he'd work in a gay subplot which meant he'd make out w/ york sloppy style.

mass and pa also not invited bc they are dicks. unfortunately that is the end of the drama invites because maine has no friends. he asks alaska and alaska laughs at him and ends the call.

Is this canon to Maine because I think he would except he’d be more deranged about it

absolutely stephen king had the 2010s one direction treatement from maine. stephan is his idol. there are cardboard cut outs there are posters he is banned from being within 500 feet of the man and it will not stop him. he and his two dumbass friends reenact the plots of certain books to see why theyre scary and how to recreate that in his own horror writing. everyone dogs on him for treating stephan king like his real dad and he hates it but 10000% there are adoption papers underneath his pillow waiting to be signed.

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Headcanons on the pet situation for states?? And how each state is about it? I would assume in all their years of living some if not all of them had to own a pet at some point. Personally I’m a big fan of New York owning pigeons and/or rats

texas owns cows. he makes a big deal ab cali's obsession w treating cats like his babies but hes absolutely got a favorite cow he calls princess and has pictures of her in his wallet.

big fan of tennessee having a series of racoon pets bc as a child, he was looked after by the abslute disaster pair of SC and NC and dumb and dumber were too busy arguing to remember theyre disease ridden. you have to be VERY careful going into his room bc the suspicious lump iunder his sheets IS hissing and scratching.

missouri owns the most birds ever. this man has so many birds. he calls them his only friends, to which every midwest state protests because fuck you misery, we love your sorry ass.

NY has a cat im sorry guys he just does. the ne states talk to the cat more than they talk to him. they will just come into his room to pet his cat and not even acknowledge him

florida has a croc he keeps in the bath for about a week before gov steps in to stop him. he spends forty minutes sobbing whilst loui stands there and goes 'sha...we can still visit him...' before bribing him with a seafood boil to calm him down. florida then imediately forgets about his aquatic friend as he finds they make better lunch than pets.

cali has a cat and it is his BABY. originally, he was very excited upon hearing that NY had a cat too, fantasizing about having cat play dates. NY's cat immediately punches his cat in the face and cali refuses to even look at ny for a month.

wyoming has a horse he 1000% loves more than his husband. montana staring daggers at this horse knowing that if it was up to wy, the horse would be sleeping in their bed.

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Okok so I have some thoughts for you

These are like. I have taken these headcannons. These are my babies now because they have a fist grab on my brain and are squishing it like yogurt

writer Massachusetts

I honestly enjoy the idea of college professor or biologist New Jersey

New York but he's actually always stuck to the mafia stuff or he's just some retired guy who's progressively and unconsciously adopted more cat behaviors over his retirement years

they're all insomniacs no matter what AU to me, but MA/NJ/NY ship, what are your thoughts? And do you have any of your own headcannons for us about these 3 freaks

im a journalist mass fan because even though 1000% he would write books just to rub it in other peoples faces ('oh you think youre some smart guy i wrote the fucking manual for smart people die' 'mass this is a game of trivial persuit calm down'), i believe he'd enjoy hating on a weekly basis much more. he has his own colum which he just dedicates to dunking on other states. 100k words on why the indy500 is pointless that causes a midwest/NE civil war. 5000k words on why a nuclear bomb to ny would be good for the country. 100 million words on why rodeos are gay (this was after he got univited from the cookout and he 'didnt actually care')

NJ biologist but only for plants. everyone dogs on him so badly at NE dinner. 'bros a tree hugger' 'bros gone soft' 'bros having too much fun playing flower princess to hang out w us' bro has a loaded shotgun in the car dont test him.

i fear ny would never be able to leave the mafia bc hes grown too used to his job and hes not changing now. he leaved for a week because he was recomended a job at a call centre on the basis that he loves inconviniencing people and a call centre seemed like the perfect place to do that. he talked to one person and instantly felt so drained he left and never went back. the mafia is all he has unfortunately

im an MA/NY/NJ hater. its the one ship where yippeeometer is not at the shipyard. on the other hand i do have one specific au for them i love

fav dynamic for them is that theyre stuck raising vermont and maine as a group. mass is ny's ex husband and nj is the poor stupid new boyfriend caught in the mix. mass works out that the thing that makes ny most miserable is having him around so hes constantly swinging by to 'spend quality time w his kids'. unfortunately, ny doesnt get this message bc hes dense and just decides to exploit mass being there to not have to interact w children. nj wants mass around for the ulterior motive that york forgets to be mad at him when hes focused on being mass's biggest hater. 20k words on my desk monday.

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number one favorite addiction for the NE is violence for anyone wondering

niche rhodecut au to go with my NE smokers headcanon: cut gives up smoking every few months after a breakup with rhode. at first, those around him assume its in a very sweet oh-it-reminds-me-of-him way, until they find out its part of a greater argument between the two that rhode is better at quitting cut than cut is at quitting rhode, to which cut took very personally and decided to show he was a better quitter through quitting the NE's second favorite addiction, smoking. however, much to everyone's horror, cut is 8x worse without any nicotine and is just genuinely insufferable to be around. in usual fashion, he will get back together w rhode in a drunken night in which they make out (and worse) in every room of the house, before immeditately taking up smoking again becasue spoiler, hes no better than the losers he surrounds himself with.

this leaves everyone to wonder whether he has really fallen in love with rhode for the millionth time, or whether he'd just gone through nicotine withdrawl.

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community hot dog stand fr

california is such a specimen and so fucking dramatic, you can really just [mashing barbies together] put him with anyone and its like yeah. i see it. why not. he’s such a messy bitch and i love him so much

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niche rhodecut au to go with my NE smokers headcanon: cut gives up smoking every few months after a breakup with rhode. at first, those around him assume its in a very sweet oh-it-reminds-me-of-him way, until they find out its part of a greater argument between the two that rhode is better at quitting cut than cut is at quitting rhode, to which cut took very personally and decided to show he was a better quitter through quitting the NE's second favorite addiction, smoking. however, much to everyone's horror, cut is 8x worse without any nicotine and is just genuinely insufferable to be around. in usual fashion, he will get back together w rhode in a drunken night in which they make out (and worse) in every room of the house, before immeditately taking up smoking again becasue spoiler, hes no better than the losers he surrounds himself with.

this leaves everyone to wonder whether he has really fallen in love with rhode for the millionth time, or whether he'd just gone through nicotine withdrawl.

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actually i fully believe theyve all been to prison at least once with the exception of vermont, who they all collectively believe is ab 5 because of it. he'll be trying to get drunk w them and theyre asking 'wait is that even legal for you' my brother in christ you were a part of the mob and im 200 years old lets move on

nichecanon of the day the whole NE floor of the statehouse smells like cigarettes. these old men are taking full advantage of the whole states cant die thing to smoke a pack a day and just not care about it. if u ask no theyre not addicted they can quit forever + theyre better than the west states who vape + fuck you + die + youre too young to get it

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#they fully treat it like prison too like I’ll trade you pack of smokes to take my laundry shift#fine but only cause you fold the clothes like shit

hanging out with each other is prison for them. catch them social distancing outside trying to smoke bc they dont even want to look at each other. catch them trading cigarettes on who has to go to gov's stupid meeting.

nichecanon of the day the whole NE floor of the statehouse smells like cigarettes. these old men are taking full advantage of the whole states cant die thing to smoke a pack a day and just not care about it. if u ask no theyre not addicted they can quit forever + theyre better than the west states who vape + fuck you + die + youre too young to get it

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long suffering housewife competition between utah and virginia to see who has it worse dealing with the losers in their general proximity. drinking a whole bottle of wine/several cans of dr pepper and complaining is just one of their collective hobbies

Virginia, answering the phone: Hello?

Massachusetts: It’s Massachusetts.

Virginia: What did they do this time?

Massachusetts: No, it’s me, Massachusetts. It’s actually me.

Virginia: What did you do this time?

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nichecanon of the day the whole NE floor of the statehouse smells like cigarettes. these old men are taking full advantage of the whole states cant die thing to smoke a pack a day and just not care about it. if u ask no theyre not addicted they can quit forever + theyre better than the west states who vape + fuck you + die + youre too young to get it

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i love him like my own son

he’s watching the new jersey devils