#idk why I did this I just wanted to figure out what was going on with the number of tails
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imagine Vi with a gf that will do drastic things to their appearance and not mention it- like reader just shows up with new piercings, haircut, nail set etc and just plays it off to mess w/ her
"I've always had those wym?" "It was just a trim idk what you're saying"
Ok Iâm obsessed w this idea bc itâs literally me, I shave and dye my hair every month and donât realize ppl canât recognize me when they donât see me every few weeks, oopsi. This also ended up being very self indulgent BECAUSE I GOT A TATTOO OF VIâs NAME ON MY LOWER NAVEL đ Iâm so down bad for her itâs not even funny (this IS a photo of MY tattoo so plz just lmk if ur gonna use it for anything)
Anyway hope u like this! (And thank u for my first Vi ask!!) requests/asks are always open!
Lil suggestive at the end but nothing too crazy Iâd sayâŠ
Vi loves that youâre so all over the place, it makes her feel like youâre always changing and itâs kinda why she fell for you in the first place.
But she was not prepared for the amount of drastic appearance changes you bombard her with on a monthly basis.
Youâll show up with a random new hair color one day, walking into the gym she works at to drop off her lunch. Just strutting into the place, so nonchalantly, like thereâs absolutely nothing new when in fact your hair went from brown to black with bright green highlights.
Viâs at the reception about to head to the back with a new client when she sees you. She doesnât even register that itâs you at first and her jaw only drops when she does a double take.
âHey honeyâ you say in your regular loving tone.
âUhh⊠Hi.. uh- hi baby?â Viâs so confused but you just look at her innocently and bat your lashes. âI brought you lunch!â
âI see thatâ Vi looks down at the bag you dropped on the counter and leans over to kiss you on the cheek quickly. âI also see youâve got a new hairstyle?â
You look at her surprised, âoh this?â youâre picking up strands of hair twisting them around your fingers absentmindedly âyeah I guessâŠâ
âYou guess?!?â she stares at you incredulously âitâs quite a big change cupcake!â
You fake being hurt and pretend dramatically, placing a hand your heart âSo you donât like it?â
âNo, no, no! I didnât say that! I just meant itâs so different!â Viâs reaching over to run her fingers through your hair âI really like itâ
âItâs really not that different Vi, just added the greenâ you brush it off, messing with her a little.
Vi swears your hair was brown and not black but she just shrugs, âas long as youâre happy!â
Then one day youâre off work early and you walk by this piercing shop every day on your way home. Youâve got a few piercings on your ears and that one on your belly button that Vi adores, but youâve been wanting a septum for a while.
So before you can convince yourself otherwise youâre walking out of the piercing studio with a fresh silver ring in your nose.
You walk into your apartment met with the sound of Vi playing video games on the couch. Swooping down you attempt to give her a peck on the lips while she moves her head around your figure trying to see the screen âHi Angel⊠one sec I just have to pass this level, then I promise Iâm all yoursâ
You let her be and go to quickly clean your brand new piercing before sheâs done with her gaming.
Later you guys are making dinner together and Violet canât help but notice the silver ring glittering above your top lip when it catches the light. To be fair, Vi is always staring at your lips anyway, so itâs not like she really wasnât gonna notice a piercing right above them.
âUhhh hey babe?â
âYeah Vi?â
âDid you always have that septum piercing?â
âMhmâ youâre humming absentmindedly as you stir something on the stove.
Violet canât think straight, cause is she that distracted and so down bad that she didnât notice her beautiful girlfriend had a septum piercing?!? Or is this another one of your âwhat do you mean I didnât change anything!â moments like when you showed up with dyed hair and pretended it was the exact same or when you got new nails done and told her youâd been wearing them for weeksâŠ
She swears you messing with her like this is gonna be the death of her, but⊠sheâd never complain.
Nothing prepares Vi for your next drastic move though, cause she goes absolutely feral when u show her the tattoo u got of her name on ur lower navel.
Oh no. Youâre done for. Cause sheâs almost quite literally on her knees drooling, staring up at you with big blue eyes and you know sheâs about to jump your bones and never let you go.
Vi knew you were going in for a tattoo appointment that day. But what she didnât know is that you decided to surprise her with a little âVIâ, the same one she has on her face, but in ink the color of her hair. The deep fuchsia pink you love.
So when you come home from your tattoo appointment, Vi thinks you just went for the bigger piece you got on your leg. So she jumps from the couch as soon as she hears you entering your apartment âHey! youâre back!â and sheâs running down the hall kneeling at your legs, lifting your trousers to see the new piece with an excited âLemme see!!!â
Youâre just as excited and giggle while she admires the work. But you keep ur mouth shut and donât say a word about the little surprise tattoo you have of her name just above your panty line.
âItâs so cool! I love the colors and itâs so much bigger than I thought youâd go for! I love it!â Viâs voice pulls you out of your thoughts. âDid it hurt? You were at the studio for a whileâŠâ
âNah it wasnât too bad, plus the artist was so gentle and itâs not like itâs my first rodeo Vi.â Youâre rolling your eyes at her concern and sheâs standing back up pulling you in for a long kiss.
âIâm gonna go unwrap the tattoo foil and wash the new ink, are you ok to start dinner hon?â You yell into the kitchen as you walk toward the bathroom. âYeah! In a minute!â
Before youâve even finished undressing to hop in the shower, Viâs bursting into the bathroom claiming she needs to wash her hands before cooking. (but you both know thereâs a perfectly good sink in the kitchen and she just loves barging in on you in the shower).
Sheâs smirking as she leans on the side of the sink âCute pantiesâ
You look down and immediately cover your face in embarrassment realizing youâre wearing high waisted flower-patterned cottons. Itâs not your usual choice and theyâre kinda reserved for shark week cause you donât think theyâre cute, but it was your best option for getting a lower navel tattoo and making sure it didnât get irritated. âStahppp Vi, I had to wea-â you catch yourself before you can tell Vi about the tattoo.
Sheâs already sauntering over to you her hands finding their place on your bare waist making you shiver. âI donât know⊠I still think theyâre kinda cute..â Vi trails off as her fingers dig under the band and slowly lower it.
Youâre waiting in anticipation for her to notice the tattoo at any moment, and then she does.
Her eyes go wide the second she sees it. You swear you can see her brain reset to factory settings and her mind go blank.
She doesnât know what to say or do. Sliding down to the ground, shes now on her knees in front of you, hands on your hips holding the band of your panties down with her thumbs as she just stares at the little fuchsia pink âVIâ on your lower navel.
âVi?â You try gently, dragging the word out like a question.
âHmm?â Sheâs not looking at you, just staring at the tattoo of her name on your body as she swallows hard. âFuck Angel, fuck⊠is that⊠is that my name, sweetheart?â Sheâs biting her lip inhaling and ur nodding a happy âmhmâ down at her.
Something short circuits in her then. The way her name is permanently on your skin. The way her name on you marks you as hers. Sheâs breathing heavy.
She thinks sheâs drooling but she doesnât care. Sheâs focusing her pretty blue eyes up on you now. You cup her face and try to play it off like you usually do, teasing her with your big appearance changes, teasing her âOh, Iâve totally always had thi-â
Before you can finish sheâs up, kissing you hungrily, her hands on your waist and the side of your neck, crowding you against the sink. Your breath hitches as you notice the glimmer in her eye and you can barely contain a little gasp when Viâs thigh slides between yours.
âDonât bullshit me Angel, we both know you havenât always had a tattoo of MY name-â sheâs brushing her fingers across the fresh lettering, making you wince â-especially not here of all places.â
Sheâs kissing your neck, sucking on the soft skin leaving marks everywhere, slowly making her way down your body. Your hands are in her hair as she reaches your navel. Sheâs kissing everywhere but the tattoo, stopping to say a few words in between light pecks and little kitten licks âFuck sweetheart⊠mmh, I canât believe⊠you, fuck⊠got my⊠name tatted⊠ugh.. fuckâ her voice trails off sounding so thick and needy. Sheâs looking up at you through her lashes and you know youâre done for.
You whimper and Viâs vision goes fuzzy. Forget the shower, forget dinner, sheâs carrying you to the nearest bed⊠so she can look at her name on your skin while she makes you scream it.
#I canât believe i actually got a tattoo of her name#iâm just a girl#vi arcane#arcane vi x reader#haunted by dreams tf#vi brain rot#vi headcanons#violet arcane#vi arcane x reader#vi fluff#vi x fem reader#vi x you#request#reqs open#asks open
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They were also SO weird about my daily meds. I wasn't allowed to take them on my normal schedule that my regular doctors have signed off on, apparently this hospital has a special rulebook for when and how often I'm "actually" supposed to be taking any given medication which takes priority over my current regular medication schedule and thus I was forced to adhere to it, so between that and the whole "the nurses are so busy they are constantly late bringing me my meds which HAVE to be taken at a specific time each day, meant I felt extra mega like shit. (Like I'm on Lamictal and you CANNOT just fucking stop taking Lamictal and they wanted me to skip a dose and take it in the morning "like I'm supposed to" even though my actual fucking psychatrist said I can take it morning or night, whichever is more comfortable for me, it literally doesn't matter at all. I also kept missing the times for my Propranolol which meant my POTs was out of wack and making me dizzy and my heart race.)
Also the on-site pharmacy didn't carry one of my usual medications so they gave me a choice between switching to an "equivalent" one the doctor approved of(a decision I was not present for so I couldn't even give informed consent, like I didn't get any info on this other med aside from it's name and the assurance that "it would do the same thing" which I found dubious at best given that this was prescribed by a specialist and my assigned doctor was not trained in that field at all) or just not taking it at all, and I was explicitly forbidden from touching my meds from home(my usual hospital has no such rule so idk why they were being like this about it, I had no reason to think me bringing them was against the rules) and they nearly forced my fiancĂ© to take the ones I broughtâsince I knew I'd be there for two days and figured I'd like need my medsâback to my house, so I couldn't even just take my usual meds which I literally had in my bag, I was forced to take something else.
So yeah like the constant inability to sleep or eat given the cycle of intense nausea and excruciating pain no one cared to treat correctly was already stressing me out to the point that I knew I was going to have a fibro flare that would make it harder to recover, plus the whole "ignoring me for several hours when I was sobbing from how badly I had to pee despite being unable to on my own because they just didn't believe it was possible for me to have to pee that bad until my fiancé was pissed enough he went and found them(literally actively shit talking me when he walked up too) and essentially forced them to check again, which the assistant who was in charge of that did so carelessly it make the pain so much worse and she refused to even speak to or really look at me while she did it too, and then they had to rush to give me a catheter which meant they couldn't find a smaller tube(my urologist has told me I have an uncommonly small urethra and bladder opening) or be careful so it hurt really bad" thing, AND the saying they'd give me enough pain meds to help at home only to change the dose to a lower, less effective one which I only found our about after they discharged me and I was told because I'd been discharged the doctor wouldn't speak to me(the pharmacist literally said once you're discharged you're treated as "out of sight, out of mind" like he said those exact words) AND the surgery team just straight up not returning any of my calls today to try to get the medication thing fixed, I think this hospital is run by inhumane monsters who don't give a shit about their staff or patients, which in turn makes their staff unwilling to care for their patients basically at all and they should probably face serious consequences for treating people this way.
Oh, also I just remembered the surgeon said they would tell me what setting my shunt was at because I would absolutely need that information, but no one ever told me and right as we were leaving we realized that and mentioned it and the nurse was like "idk I can't find it written in your chart so I guess you'll just have to call the neurosurgeon" and then lectured me again about the dangers of pain meds before vanishing and not returning. Which I'm sure is fine and normal.
God I fucking hate that hospital with every fiber of my living being. Also they should decriminalize all drugs and I'm not kidding.
And I'm filing a fucking grievance.
I'm home from the hospital and I can confirm that the opioid crisis has made these places fucking insane about literally all medications.
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my current plan for drift au is like
Iruka: so here's the training roomâ oh, pardon us Hatake-san. I thought it'd be empty this time of day
Kakashi: fancy that, so did I
Iruka: ah, well, we'll be leaving then, sorry for the intrusionâ
Naruto: hey, hey, what does sparring look like? can you show us? you n Kakashi-sensei
Iruka: i don't know... maybe not todayâ
Kakashi: ah, why not sensei, let's teach em what disappointment looks like
Iruka: *thousand yard stare* *removes knit sweater to reveal a nearly too tight button up* if you insist
Kakashi obviously gets a bit embarrassed by how hot Iruka looks. mostly the transformation fr goofy pencil pusher to the front page cover for every gay porno mag ever made. plus maybe idk a past infatuation that won't die?
Iruka just wants a chance to smack him upside the head for his rudeness.
whoops. turns out they're extremely drift compatible based off their quick spar. neither have any words. Kakashi is low-key upset he's gonna have to pilot again and kill Iruka this time. Iruka's just surprised by how... right it felt. he tries to cool his nerves, Kakashi interpts it as "oh no the grim reaper is coming for me next" fear, bc he's not aware Iruka might just be genuinely kinda amped up ab being toe-to-toe with a renowned pilot with a lot of kaiju kills. so Kakashi storms off. Iruka tries to calm his brain and his class.
he's ultimately hoping nobody finds out. he won't do well as a pilot, just let him do the paperwork for the base PLEASE.
now. they get hooked up with the actual machine to drift. it's stellar. until Kakashi starts freaking out ab how good it's going. Iruka tries to help but they're already fucked it up a bit.
now I'm thinking. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura end up taking the new mech. bc their drift results turned out better than Iruka and Kakashi's, but mostly bc they have less opportunity for failure; they're not riddled with depression and chronic illness.
so. Kakashi and Iruka get benched and become newt and herman without intention. like. idk. they finally go insane, try to hide away in a broom closet to make out, only it's the research lab, and with Iruka's book smarts and Kakashi's physical smarts (as in he knows kaiju patterns fr dealing with so many) (and Iruka's hobby is studying up on them in his spare time) they figure out the breech.
im imagining Kakashi trying to fuck Iruka senseless on some desk, only for Iruka to get distracted by the papers and he's like "wait, wait, look at this," effectively killing the mood by distracting the both of them.
i want iruka to be the one to drift with the kaiju??? idk fuuinjutsu feels like a mad scientist sorta deal
Mizuki still attacks Naruto and Iruka still saves his life by offering his own
Ramen. Dandelion yellow hair. Summer. Okinawa beach. Onsen. Bath. Ramen. Ma, Pa. Auntie Kushina. Ramen. School.
???
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Rens body wandering off is really funny. I wonder, is Martyn a ghost too somewhere? Or is Doc around?
I can't decide if I want to have had Martyn died alongside Ren or if he died somewhere else later. If he died at the same time as Ren then obviously it's safe to make the assumption that he's fully not around as a ghost. If he died off somewhere else we may never know. I kind of like the idea of it being ambiguous in the same way what happened to Havers is ambiguous in the show. We never learn where he died, when, what he went on to do after Cap's death, if he's a ghost somewhere. I like that idea for Martyn and Ren.
Idk though maybe there's a fun plot to be had somewhere where Grian runs into Martyn's ghost somewhere off in town and recognizes him from Ren's incessant talking about him and we get Grian having to act as like a go between for them to communicate. I'm not making that officially canon rn but it's a fun idea to think about.
I do want to have Doc around as one of the living characters, I think in some way connected to Etho's past. Whatever Etho was running from when he moved way out to the middle of nowhere in England by himself, Doc was involved. They were really close friends, and Doc has been looking for him ever since he fell off the map. Doc finally manages to hunt him down after ten years, probably through Grian and Joel's involvement. Maybe something to do with the ghost hunting gangs videos. Either way Doc shows up at Etho's door and has some fucking questions. Such as: "Where have you been for the last ten years" "Why did you just fucking disappear?" "What happened to your face did you get mauled by a fucking bear??" "Why do you keep talking to the air like a crazy person?" "Did you know you are a fucking terrible liar?"
I like to think this is like just after Etho and Hels have started to make peace after a bit of intervention from Grian and Joel, but then Doc, who has actually been surprisingly chill up until this point about the ghost stuff since he figured it out, puts together the puzzle pieces of what happened and is like "A GHOST DID FUCKING WHAT TO YOU?? AND YOU'RE STILL LIVING HERE???" and now Etho who was just starting to get comfortable again has to deal with both his past with Doc and with Hels at once.
#atlas speaks#hc ghosts au#I haven't fully decided what I want to have caused Etho to run away to the middle of nowhere england yet obviously#i'll figure it out eventually#I feel like etho is just a runner. things start going wrong in his life and he packs up and leaves#that's proably how he met doc#it's probably what he'll try to do again in this sub plot#i think the only reason he didn't after what happened with Hels was because he didn't have anywhere else to go or the money to do so
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originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins
#origins smp#i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals WHAT EVEN HAPPENED i was only there for the first oneđ
#beeduo#otubbo#oranboo#beeduo fanart#i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY#DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM#IR WAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE and they were being really Funny thay shit h#ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its#been wayyyyyyy too long#BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise#bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorryâč#had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign đ bc i couldn't stop#yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my faultđđđđ#ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really#wanted to share ok i love you bge#WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED#RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like#water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT#ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASEđđđđđđđđđ#I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I#VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB#OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be#Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON#SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub#lic had to say.... ok Now bye
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Haha Iâve got. Too many ausssss
But I did think up a new modern one. That follows the og video game plot a bit but Narinder was trapped for 10,000 years and instead of commuting a sheep genocide the bishops make all sheep have to prove every month that theyâre not worshiping The One Who Waits and have no intention to free him
#I have thought up more for this but. idk maybe some other time#I will say that somehow the longer he was imprisoned the less angry Narinder became#he hasnât really forgiven his siblings but heâs had a WHOLE LOT of time to reflect#he still doesnât think what they did (and then what he did) was right. but he understands why they panicked and did it#also a few hundred years b4 the âstartâ of the au he found a way to release the twins from their âdutyâ so they were able to leave#they somehow got immortality like their momma tho so dw theyâre still around#Also narilamb happens sooner#like. Iâm thinking they confess when Lamb goes to sacrifice theirself (yeah they do that cause they knew that was the outcome from the#get go lolllll)#and they try to figure out a different way to free him in the end#âŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ.So you know how human sacrifices were usually virgins-#youâre gonna have to put the pieces together on that one#cult of the lamb#my posts#barely ever use that tag lmao#narilamb#true devotion#me: Yeah i thought of more for this but I wonât say it rn#proceeds to say just so much in the tags#like. if you want to send an ask my way or comment on this or rb w questions⊠đđ
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observation post but ive found myself doing a lot of "problem solving" for commissions in my sketchbook because it helps me in a way that drawing digitally does not... Now im trying to figure out why that happens and how to bridge that disconnect because well why would it be different. Why is it so different đ
#like why does it happen#whys it difficult to do thumbnails for stuff digitally#why did i draw 5 hyena heads digitally and not get anywhere but when i did them on paper it made more sense#why can i get proportions down nicely when doing thumbnails on paper but not digitally#i dont get it! ive been using digital for longer too and i always run into these issues#i guess the case could also be made that i think the traditional stuff looks better bc i never make complete pieces in there#like maybe if i drew a full detailed body on paper id struggle just as much#but idk. trying to figure out variations of a character digitally feels so suffocating even if i do it the same way#idk what it is. i want to figure it iut#*out#talkys#i also have always had this insurmountable issue where ill sketch proportions nicely#but as soon as i go to add detail suddenly the head feels too small or something feels off#and when i adjust it it just becomes More Off#i think this just is worse digitally? messes with sense of scale? i really dont know!!! idk how to fix it
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe đ#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you đ#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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It's a good sign I'm recovering from my creative slump that I was able to brainstorm a story that makes me laugh.
#all it took was one shot from the disney batb#beast made a face that was very expressive of the man underneath#and a retelling started forming as a cheerful version of the beast started chattering at me#lovely man#doesn't know how to shut up#it's a major issue between himself and his beauty#(who is introverted and serious and a bit cranky)#he insists on telling the story to his children#despite my doubts that he'll be an objective or honest narrator to these young ears#and even then he refuses to tell me most of the story#all i've got is his first dinner with beauty (did not go well)#and i'm like 'how did she go from that to wanting to marry you?'#and he's like 'i'm just irresistibly charming'#and i'm like 'clearly not because you just told me how she resisted you. why did she change her mind?'#and he's like 'idk. lack of options? i'm just thrilled it happened i'm not self-aware enough to figure out why'#and i'm all 'can you at least tell me what you did? it can't just be that you had long boring days in the palace#'and then she suddenly fell in love'#and he's like 'but what if it did happen that way though?'#and i'm like 'make something up! i don't want people to fall asleep reading this'#and he's like 'sorry can't help'#so i try to talk to beauty but she doesn't want to talk to strangers so i'm stuck#but what i do have is a very hopeful sign of returning creative health#for some reason even though i have a jillion batb ideas#the funny ones are the only ones i get interested in enough to actually write#we'll see if this becomes one of them#adventures in writing
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Sevenâs Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares wonât let up and#my heater isnât enough to warm the room when itâs this fucking cold outside. but itâs fine bc i donât think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but iâve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so thereâs someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be thereâll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i donât. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if thatâs what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything iâve said#or done. that wasnât right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly donât know#i didnât mean to use AAVE. i really didnât know. so iâll go edit the tag where i used it but. thatâs only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. iâll try to do better#but thereâs so much to be mindful of that i canât keep track of it all and itâs overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#âalways a fanfic writer at the scene of the crimeâ i. didnât know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc itâs cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but itâs covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he couldâve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he couldâve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we wouldâve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. thereâs so much more to stress over and itâs all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i canât even care for myself. couldnât if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. canât shower. canât do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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i want to tell u guys abt my weredog oc... hes like if patrick bateman sucked and wasnt a nepo baby and worked a middling dead end office job..i give all of my trauma and worries and fears to him about fitting in and not getting to have an impact and yet not having the personal strength to make things better,
#what untreated adhd and gifted kid burnout does to a mf#i dont have any drawings of him. i forgot how to draw again#when my self insert is the worst version of myself#im so worried ill turn out like him. like for all of my posturing ill never really get out of this hole#like i can try and do everything perfectly to reverse original sin but i will never be able to do that#he is soo transgender coded. dogboy who wants to become a humanboy#hes a border collie bc hes smart but other than that he doesnt really have a lot going for him#one of the few weredogs who have mastered temporary transformation into a human#nearly fulltime supression of his dog traits..#ah well he also turns out to be a bad person and screws a bunch of people over by trying to be a human#idk.. im still trying to figure out what i want to say#perchance.. sossiety#*wizard brame voice* we live in a society#in the end. i think he really just wants to be left alone and be himself (even though he has lost himself)#-away from other people#why did i type this? i was thinking about the gaping hole in my heart again.#yap#if i ever wrote a book abt him itd be 80% him having a mental breakdown and the other 20% not being a good person
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy đ#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out
#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk#i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting#but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it#so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life#wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around#so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length#how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg#ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most#i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway#i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!!#i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well#i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately#I DUNNO#i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out#i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems#n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me#i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want#while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt đ„°#i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts#i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!!#its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there#i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl#i just dont know what yet#concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent#ok i think this ramble is ovr#im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!
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youtube
oh hey the video is public now so i can post on tumblr about this without sounding insane! anyway everyone should go watch me and a few other speedrunners hunt fire for sport (randomizer edition)
#blossom.txt#hollow knight#blossom plays hollow knight#i have ~4 years of rando racing experience so i know how to analyze a rando seed to death#and be Very Normal about it#this was my first time doing hk pvp so i was not doing much of the hunting part lmao#i was more doing like tracking and strategizing and telling people where he probably was so they could kill :3#it was a really interesting one you should give it a watch!!!#(also if anyone has stuff they want to send asks abt i will absolutely jump on that chance to infodump :3)#(please let me infodump i'm very autism yippee yipee)#oh also having watched it back pye edited it to have proportionately more of my voice than is in the actual vod lmao#because i was mostly standing around talking abt what was in the seed bc i memorized the entire fucking 10 page doc i wrote#a normal thing to do on a thursday night#idk how i feel abt that because i hate my voice lmao but like hopefully kids in the comments aren't too mean T-T#i feel like with the amount of complexity a rando seed has focusing on the person who was telling everyone where the stuff is makes sense#so it's not necessarily a bad thing i just hate my voice ew ew ew#slightly disappointed that most of the discussion abt abyss got cut out#so there's just a few times we mention king's brand seemingly for no reason#but it was a Whole Thing where we were like 'why did he get shade cloak'???#because you wouldn't waste time going the long way all the way around peak for no reason right#there were several grubs in abyss and brand was on the way so i was trying to figure out when he would go to abyss#and he just...never did. why fire#threw off my whole plan by playing it like a svh game and not a spoiler rando race. smh#i wasted a bit of time just hanging around basin and he literally never set foot in there lmao#and then also guarding paum relic in fungal because it had hidden stag and if he went to get it i wanted to know about it#instead he just three cycled right fungal and did mantis lords....#cryign#also the amount of times shelby got jumpscared and attacked me thinking i was fire...oops#some of them didn't even make the cut it was so bad ahfdlkjhglkjdf
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