#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please

[pollen]

i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like

[technicallywrite]

I’m going to say this one time on main and then I’m dropping out of this discourse because I’m too old for this.

“To be fair some of these labels are understood and used differently by different communities as well as people whose personal journey has been different. Even with the internet (and keep in mind some of us formed our foundational understanding of a lot of this stuff before the internet was a thing), depending on what trajectory you took coming in, you might end up with rather different definitions. Language is difficult and our experiences and interpretations may be less universal than we think.”

I said this as a comment on a recent post and I feel like elaborating a tiny bit. (I will probably regret it)

I’ve seen it said that “bisexual has always meant attracted to all genders, even in the Olden Days,” and I have to admit my honest reaction is: where, and to whom? Because that is so far outside of my lived experience, I have to imagine it refers to people in incredibly progressive mini-communities; the kind you read about because they who wrote manifestos in the back of smoke-filled bars (/pos).

Because here’s the thing. When I was growing up and having my formative experiences of gender in the 1980s and 1990s, even the *concept* of there being genders besides man/woman wasn’t a thing. It wasn’t edgy or discriminated against; it was unheard of.

As a teenager in the early 1990s in a nowhere place outside the US, I never even encountered the idea that there may be other genders, or that you could be non-binary or anything like that. It just wasn’t a thing.

Does that mean people didn’t feel that way? God no; I personally had a ton of feelings that in retrospect I’m like— ohhhhhhh!? That kinda makes sense now. But at the time we didn’t have the vocabulary for it. (And no we didn’t have the internet)

Maybe they did in New York; maybe they did in London, and in San Francisco. But in my corner of the world, nope. (And no don’t get me started on how Anglo centric all this discourse is.)

So those of us in that kind of setting (dare I say, probably the majority), we grew up with a certain set of options, and certain words solidified in our minds with certain meanings.

As a result, I will bet you whatever you want that if you take someone of my generation who identifies as bisexual and who wasn’t an unusually cool edgy motherfucker (/pos) in the 1990s, they most probably mean it in the old fashioned binary way. They mean they swing both ways, operative word ‘both’.

(Serena Campbell, renowned if fictional quinquagenarian bisexual extraordinaire: probably not considering options outside the traditional binary)

And that is FINE. It’s OKAY. It doesn’t mean anything outside of what it means for them personally.

Nowadays (really showing my age there, I know), the mainstream meaning of the word bisexual seems to have evolved to a much more expansive/inclusive definition than what I grew up with. That’s great! And yet it doesn’t mean people who have been using it for themselves for decades in a narrower sense will or even should apply the version update.

I’ve had a few people call me biphobic for my stupid ice cream joke, and I can’t quite figure out if it’s because they think I would look down on bisexuals for having a binary conception of gender (I wouldn’t) or because they feel it’s insulting to imply that bisexual-identifying folks would necessarily have a binary-only conception of gender (not what I meant but I can see how it could be read that way).

In either case (though I suspect it’s probably the latter), I want to gently hold their face in my hands and say, my friend, you need to let go of this attachment to policing other queer people’s use of gender labels, and also please for the love of all that’s holy to you, stop looking for malice in every third word.

EDIT: I should add that I deleted the ice cream post because it was clearly causing hurt that I never meant to cause in the first place.

[mercurytrinemoon]

Another post on Moon signs you can drag me for

Before we get into the actual thing, I'd like to say this post initially started as something else but ultimately, what I tried to put across is, sometimes Moon signs aren’t that easy to decipher. It’s easy to grasp overall characteristics of the signs and then learn how to identify their specific traits. But what people seem to forget it that Moon represents the deepest side of us & our inner world - it’s uncommon to really see someone’s side of it unless you really pay attention. Sometimes I’m surprised to see what someone’s Moon sign is even if I know this person well. Meaning, people usually hide that part of them - or they just simply process it internally and others can’t see their emotional reactions. It’s also uncommon for folks these days to fully express their emotional needs so it gets even trickier to pin-point their Moon characteristics. I don't think I have to mention this but, of course, your entire chart should be taken into account, as well as house placement, aspects. Personally, I like to also look at Moon's dispositor.

Let’s start from my friends, Gemini Moons, who, I feel, get a bad rep for not showing their feelings and scanning every emotion like an AI. Nah-ah. I know this one Gemini Moon whose immediate emotional reactions aren’t very cerebral in the sense of processing everything in the mind and intellectualizing it aka, what people like to label as being un-emotional. Instead her reactions are often fast (air energy) but physically expressed through Mercury (Gemini Moon’s dispositor) and Sun (overall identity) – she has them both in Aries. She’s a crybaby who can burst into tears in a matter of seconds. So she’s not something that would stereotypically be assigned to a Gemini Moon. But what I did notice is that all Gemini Moons tend to have this weird look on their face when they’re processing stuff. As if they were about to have a brain malfunction; they stop and have that specific worried look. They also like to either gossip or tell stories (either real or made up lol); they’re great with words - they can talk for hours if they feel comfortable with you. They just crave interaction and mental stimulation. Their quick reactions tend to make them effortlessly witty. Even if they’re a withdrawn Gemini type, they make up for it through social media and technology or just a quiet exploration. My shy Cancer pal with Moon in Gemini is now a brand/website designer and an instagram queen who travels the world. This is great energy for content creators in general. And don’t forget that Geminis need to have their fingers in many pies. It’s because they always have a backup plan… and they get bored easily so they need that chaos around them to feel at home. They like to have options in everything, which is kind of funny cause it’s hard for them to make up their minds and actually choose something. And they store a lot of information in their brains… I feel like it must be exhausting, no? 

On the other side of the axis, whenever I see someone with a Sagittarius Moon, I can immediately say “yup, a Sag Moon indeed” (probably thanks to my Sag stellium), meaning, they all seem the same to me. Sag Moons often find comfort in exploration - best if it’s literal travel. They always seem to need to free themselves from their surroundings, family, roots or their own culture to discover something new and exciting, even if it’s only in the imaginary words - through books, movies and other medias. Their happiness always lies somewhere else from where they currently are. Like, I think all Sagittarius Moons that I know have left their parents and went their own paths early on. And they have this yolo attitude. Just like Sagittarius Suns, they’re massive dorks, probably also obnoxious… sometimes in a REALLY annoying way. They’re either a) very wise and curious b) lil preachy and stuck up c) just plain dumb clowns with no filter. But they’re all funny. And they take things lightly, with a natural ease. This means sometimes they may offend other people just because they assume everyone’s as chill as they are; „relax! I was just kidding!” - that’s a phrase you’ll hear from them often… I mean, unless you’re a jokester yourself and you’re unmoved by their sarcastic or teasing words. They have somewhat spiritual or philosophical nature so besides making you laugh, be prepared for deep monologues. They want to believe everything will eventually fall into place. It’s also hard to bring them down - or I should say, it’s hard to make them acknowledge that they're feeling down - they always try to distract or cover it up with a joke, usually a self-depricating one. If Sagittarius Moon (or Sagittarius in general tbh) is telling you that they’re unhappy, then it’s serious.

I’ve noticed there comes a point in life for a Libra Moon where they just have enough. They’re too nice for everyone and one day they wake up and yell about how they have to do everything for everyone and everyone wants something from them and bLah bLah. Makes me think of when Bieber was this overly nice kid and then he was like “I’M NOT TAKING PICTURES WITH FANS ANYMOREEEE AAGhJFJFUWIUq”. Yup, a Libra Moon, everyone. They know how to charm and appeal to people, I think overall they’re easily liked by others. Sometimes it’s simply because they like to kiss people’s ass just to avoid being rejected. That’d be a Libra Moon’s nightmare. They like other people’s company too much. And they thrive in relationships and in a big circle of friends. What they hate is confrontations (like every other Libra placement omg). They may be good mediators when it comes to other people but if they’re involved in an argument they get sooooo passive aggressive. They just don’t know how to handle conflicts - it’s as if their nervous system wasn’t designed for emotional outbursts (because, you know, everything needs to be peaceful and harmonious Venus-style). A fussy or angry Libra Moon will suddenly get loud as they blame someone for something… and then they’ll leave the room cause they’re scared to even hear the other side of the argument. Or, alternatively, they’ll make a doormat out of themselves just to stay quiet and avoid causing any rift. And making decisions? I think it’s common for them to have two different romantic interests and feeling so dramatically torned between them *Alexa play Agony from Into the Woods*. Then when they decide, they have problems breaking the bad news to one of them.

On the other end we have Aries Moons. *deep breath* Listen, I think I’ve said enough about having Moon in Aries (or rather purely dissing it) but last time it made a bit of controversy so why not wreak even more havoc. I have a good description for this one: I will punch you but be gentle with me cause it’s easy to break my fragile heart. So basically, imagine putting Buttercup and Bubbles into one person. And honestly, I need to say this, women with this placement are just hot badasses, look at friggin Angelina Jolie. The queen of badass. The queen of hot. People say because Aries folks move quickly (literally and figuratively lol), they often get bored with whatever got them excited last week... or yesterday. Ha, yeah, right. You get their heart to open up and they’re going to have their eyes for you ONLY, like a lil puppy. Give us treats and we’ll build our world around you. But NOT in a clingy way by any means, we need our space and independence after all. My lil niece is an Aries Moon and ever since I started playing guitar with her, she became my #1 fan or something. That’s the energy. But we get easily bored with day-to-day stuff so yeah, there’s that. Innocent and clumsy yet raw in their emotions - so there’s potential to make mistakes sometimes (or a lot of times) or having this tunnel vision, like „I want this and I don’t care about anything else!”. And then excusing it with some „but the heart wants what it wants” crap (looking @ ya, Selena Gomez). They experience constant inner movement and turbulence that needs a physical outlet in order to feel satisfied. WE NEED PASSION IN OUR LIVES, OKAY?!?!?? now leave me alone

Aquarius Moons aren’t as cold as you might think. People like to describe them as if their Moons actually disappeared from their charts: dEtaCheD, uNeMotiOnaL, tHey fEeL nOtHinG. It’s just they don’t sit and dwell on things, they find solutions to the problems. If something doesn’t make them feel right, they just leave that situation. They do care about other people’s well-being, they’re very sensitive in that regard, they’re humanitarians after all. Yeah, they detach, but from their own emotions - in order to make sense of them. They may seem like snow queens sometimes (and this comes from an Aqua rising) but they’re really friendly and if you pique Aqua Moon’s interest, they’re going to be curious about you. They like new exciting things so if you’re cool enough, you have their attention. Usually they’re pretty progressive as well and can’t stand injustice. That’s why you’ll see them standing up for those who are in need. Uranian energy gives them a specific type of sharp intuition and wit. Idk they’re just cute in a quirky way. But this buzzing, fast energy is a great recipe for anxiety, over-thinking and frequent changes of heart. Similarly to Sadges, they need constant exploration and stimuli. Intelligent, people-oriented (but not people-pleasing! Look to Libras for that), individualistic. They definitely need their own space and independence. Their decision-making is fast and it’s easy for them to just say „screw it, I’m doing this”. My Aquarius Moon friend just casually decided that she’s moving to Turkey cause nothing in our city (or even country) seems interesting or helping her expand… So she was like, see ya suckers, I’m leaving.

Leo Moons shine from within. You’ll spot them from a mile away even if they’re on the shyer side. They’re all lil stars no matter their profession. Very expressive people & easily excitable. Art galleries, live shows, theater - they love a creative environment even if they don’t pursue that lifestyle themselves... One of my Leo Moon friends is an art junkie – suggest taking her to an obscure play at the local bar, a music festival, a weird museum – she’ll say yes in the blink of an eye. And she loves discussing these things. A Leo Moon may not see themselves as artistically inclined, but usually sooner or later they at least try dipping their toes in music, arts, acting, dancing... you name it. They’ll learn a simple 3-chord song on a ukulele and then play it to you in excitement. Imagine a lil kid making you a puff piece and being super proud of it. Sometimes they just need some encouragement. Remember, Leos feed off of praise, that’s their fuel. Doesn’t mean they’re all proud, egotistical people but what it does mean is that they need a lil assurance to gain their self-confidence. I lived with a Leo Sun/Moon for almost 15 years (who’s a musician btw so yeah, a classic creative Leo type) - he did have some issues lol but ego wasn’t one of them. Drama followed him everywhere but I’m pretty sure he disliked it himself. BUT, with that being said, I feel like Leo Moons tend to dramatize themselves internally. People say it’s something Virgos or Geminis would do - because of their tendency to overthink, but Leos can just go straight to a worst-case scenario in their heads simply because they exaggerate everything. So don’t be surprised to see a Leo Moon feeling down and anxious. On the bright side, be their cheerleader and they’ll give that to you in return. They need sparks and dullness kills their upbeat spirit. They need to feel their own heartbeat so the feeling of excitement is crucial for their well-being. Romantic, giving and kind. They’re fixed fire so once they’re set on something or someone, they give their all and are rather loyal.

I feel like my chart low-key tells me I should dislike Taurus Moons but I just want to melt in their arms and just stay there? Like, forever? Low maintenance but a bit slow-moving and stubborn. They won’t settle easily, at least not officially, so you need to have a lot of patience with them. They need 3 things to feel secure and at peace: physical stimuli, time and a stable place they know they can always come back to. And it’s not like all of them are total lazy homebodies, they may be active spirits & travellers but they are going to have a reallyyyyy nice cosy flat somewhere near their childhood place (gotta be be close to their moms, you know). Not necessary materialistic but they may have one thing that they collect throughout their entire life and they won’t. ever. get. rid. of. it. There needs to be at least one constant in their life - like you know when Elton John decided to go to therapy but one thing he stuck to was shopaholism? Very Taurus Moon of him. Also, they’re very affectionate. In fact, may have issues differentiating between affection and passion - this is actually something Taurus Moon and Aries Moon have in common. Pro tip - and this is in regard to all Taurus placements - don’t smell bad when you’re around them (I mean, don't smell bad in general, no one likes stinky people lol). They have a sensitive smell. Doesn’t help that they like to smell everything. EVERYTHING. I swear, Taurus, stop sticking your nose in every single thing!!! You don't need to know how that piece of utensil smells like. Jeez.

Scorpio Moon (shoutout to those who remember me accidentally calling them sporpio last time I made a post on Moons lol). I honestly don’t know what to tell you... I feel like all you hear about Scorpio Moon is 100% true, there’s nothing to debunk here. It’s the Moon of extremes. Prone to jealousy and surpressing emotions; severe trust issues; they’re instigators. I was low-key bullied by a few Scorpio Moons when I was in school so there’s that. Very secretive and private. Scorpio Moon will be like “I’m in control of the situation!!!!” and you’ll just look at them and think, yeah, right, looks like the situation is controlling you. But keep being in denial, sure. Like, don’t get me wrong, Scorpios in general can be TOTAL SWEETHEARTS OMG but ya’ll have issues. Even celebrities who have this placements... Think Beyonce or Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus... I feel like they have issues lol, especially with control and the need for everything to be perfectly the way they want it to be. To be fair, that’s probably why they’re all so influential and high status: it’s either their way or highway. They need constant reinvention; they’re the ones to wake up one day and decide they’re going through a spiritual awakening blah blah. They also like to talk about dark and shocking topics while having casual lunch with you... So like, be warned that you may end up with a depressed mood after talking to them for 10 minutes. And their mood swings... don’t even get me started on that.

I don't know where to start with Virgo Moons... I feel like they're very calculated and nit-picky but they're a lot warmer than Virgo Suns. I think I called them softies in my last Moon post. Very sweet people but prone to anxiety. You gotta experience seeing them having a heart attack over someone mixing bananas with milk or messing with their stuff that’s been put in a perfect arrangement. I saw a Virgo Moon once literally squealing shouting "YOU'RE GONNA RUIN YOUR LAPTOP WITH THAT SUPERGLUE!!!" Highly entertaining to watch, not gonna lie. Gordon Ramsay has his Moon in Virgo - it’s conjunct Uranus and Pluto so that’s an extreme but I think him being fed up with people over small inconsistencies in their food prep is a perfect example of this energy (btw his chart is hilarious, it literally explains EVERYTHING). They're VERY picky with their food as well, just as Virgo Suns tend to be. Like, they’ll only have a specific type of single origin coffee or they’ll be vegan or something. Self-critical over their work, which is a plus... except for when finishing a simple task takes them a few hours because they want to make it perfect. They take everything seriously. This of course doesn't mean they're total bores - on the contrary, Mercurial energy gives them witty approach and a talent for choosing the right words at the right time. Tho they can be a bit awkward or shy with it. Can be as bubbly as Gemini but the grounded earthy energy gives them more practical and almost nurturing nature - earth signs are providers after all and Virgo is the sign of service - helping others is like their second nature. I’ve noticed they often find comfort in devoting themselves to a choosen task - this is why if they pursue something, they’re really good at it. They’re also very likely to dissect their emotions.

I’m not a fan of water Moons in general but Pisces Moon is the best water Moon in my opinion. Maybe because I like Pisces overall. I think it’s like a tweaked Sagittarius Moon - just more internalized, withdrawn & gloomy. But unlike Sag, who has a tendency to be an adventurous optimist, Pisces likes to focus on the negatives instead. Obviously, they can be very upbeat, they’re Jupiter-ruled after all, but there’s somehing whiny about them lol. Just like Sadges, they dream big and have their standards put up sooo high but if there's not much active energy in their charts, they’re often too passive to actually fullfill any of that - or I should say, they’re stuck daydreaming about it, believing it’ll just magically manifest for them... OR they do everything with an apathetic approach. What I do like about them is that they’re funny. And really chill - sometimes to the point of coming off as confused or hazy. I feel like a lot of them would just love to sleep all day... or sit by the lake and just think about the world. Most of them are also compassionate folks - again, maybe a bit too much. Hey Pisces, you don’t have to take everything to heart, it’s okay. On the bright side, they have big imagination and the ability to disconnect and just create. I have a few Pisces Moons in the family: one’s that sleepy artistic type with grand visions, one is an asshole-ish but funny entrepreneur with a questionable work ethic and one is a witty IT guy who’s actually a workaholic and likes to shut in his own world of computers and numbers or whatever he does there... So there’s this factor of tunnel vision, escapism and, on the more negative side, being kinda iffy and almost addicted to the way they want things to be. Once they set their eyes on something it’s done deal…

My issue with Capricorn Moons is that they're often trying to be sooooo mature omg, like, loosen up a bit. It usually starts when they're in their later teens... They can be the most rebellious kid that likes to have fun and suddenly they'll be like "I'm too old for this ugh grow up" *judgmental stare*. My 18-year old niece once literally roasted my sister that she's in her 30s and still doesn't have her own place (well so do I so I guess she also indirectly roasted me as well???). And she was SO deadpan with it. Because she herself wants to be independent and start a family before turning 25. This is classic Capricorn Moon energy. They suck out joy out of everything lol. Of course, OF COURSE, it depends on the whole chart but I feel like worst-case scenario is that at one point in their life (or maybe even a few times throughout it) they go through a massive shake-up that makes them change their attitude and re-evaluate their structures. There's this multi-instrumentalist Yvette Young - she's a sweet, funny Cancer/Leo mix but her Moon is in Capricorn. She used to be a competitive pianist but the pressure that was put on her has led her to severe health issues. Like yes, she’s now an extremely talented musician - thanks to family’s expectations & a rigid schooling system (Saturn) but it did cost her a lot. She has recovered since then but I think it's a perfect example of this energy. It’s very ambitious and hardworking but emotionally demanding in the sense that you have to actually put your emotions aside in order to deal with the rest. Another thing, because Moon can be associated with family, there's often a weird dynamic surrounding this topic. I don't think I've met a Capricorn Moon that had a completely healthy and happy relationship with their fam or one of the family members. Or, alternatively, there can be a strong bond between one of them but usually created in the atmosphere of hardships.

Last but not least, Cancer Moons. I had three school friends with this placement and all of them made this sad, whiny face as they said „oh I don’t knoooow anymoreee”  when they were feeling torned or frustrated. To be fair, two of them are water Suns so for them, it added to the mushyness. All Cancer Moons I know are family people or better yet, baby people. One of those school friends is now a guidance counsellor, working with kids; the other turned her instagram into a gallery of her own child after she gave birth. So much kid content, omg. There’s also something very indecisive about them… or I should say, hesitant. They’re not very fast at making decisions. Also, what’s interesting, they’re kind of like walking libraries, they remember a lot – so they store a lot of information in their brains just like air signs but they process it in a completely different way – emotional, obviously. I think this also makes them hold grudges a lot. For them it’s more of a question of „how does it make me feel?” rather than „how valid is it?”. There’s certain stubborness in them in that regard because they don’t keep their minds open. It’s also hard for them to walk away from people and situations, like a crab pinching you with its claws – it won’t let go. Sensitive but not easy to open up; very protective of themselves and their loved ones & they tend to shut down in their crab shells. But they may crave connection and the feeling of belonging. Also very caring and with a big imagination. They’re very receptive of their environment so mood swings are a thing for them.

[rainbowsky]

Drag, Gender Identity and Queer Culture

I have gotten a lot of asks about AC's gender identity. Rather than answer those individually I'm going to discuss a few related topics that are relevant when considering such a question.

CW - Discussion of transphobia, homophobia, sex and misogyny.

A Sample of the Kind of Ask I've Been Getting

I hope this person doesn't feel singled out, but this ask just happens to incorporate elements of most of the comments and questions I've been getting into one short, convenient blurb so it was the easiest one to include here. It might be helpful for readers to get a glimpse into the thought process some people are having around this issue.

I had no idea AC usually wears dresses while dancing (amazing)!!! AC also often posts with captions like "sisters!" so I am wondering if they might be transgender? I know AC has said on SDC that Ibuki is the queen and AC is the king, but I wonder how much of that has been dictated by the show writers (or... the government). I just really hope that AC isn't having to suppress who they are to be on the show! I was a bit worried after the more "masculine" haircut following the new law, even though it's definitely still cute af. AC and Ibuki are both queens in my heart!!! ❤️👑

In general people have been pointing to AC's dancewear, his mannerisms and style of dance, his Weibo post about getting his hair cut, his way of speaking and Ibuki's tendency to refer to him in feminine terms, as signs he might be transgender.

People have expressed confusion, uncertainty and curiosity, but overwhelmingly the common thread has been of support for AC regardless of his identity or expression. I have to say that, questions aside, it's just always nice to find messages of support for queer identities in my inbox.

(See edit at end of post for an update on this).

Disclaimer

I am speaking here about what I know of queer history and dance history around styles/scenes that emerged from the US decades ago. These styles/scenes have spent many years travelling the globe and being influenced by other scenes and cultures, some of which I have almost no access to.

Information about the scenes in Asia - especially in China - is hard to come by. There will likely be gaps in my knowledge and some incorrect assumptions. I am also not directly involved in the waacking scene, nor do I personally know anyone who is, so there are limitations to my insight.

In other words, don't take this as the whole, or wholly accurate, story. I'm sharing ideas that I think might be helpful to others, but those ideas can only ever be a reflection of my own experience and perspective. If you find an error or omission, please let me know.

Some Key Terms

Transgender person - Someone whose gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth.

Cisgender person - Someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.

Sex assigned at birth - The sex people determined us to be before/when we were born; usually 'male' or 'female'. Almost always based on nothing more than a quick glance at our genitals.

Gender identity - The gender we experience within ourselves. Who we feel we are inside.

Gender dysphoria - The feeling of discomfort and distress that comes from being perceived and/or forced to live as a gender that one doesn't identify with. Not all transgender people experience dysphoria.

Gender expression - The ways in which our clothing, styling, mannerisms and way of speaking express or explore gender. This is entirely separate from gender identity or assigned sex.

Sexual orientation - Who we are sexually or romantically attracted to. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity. Contrary to what is taught in some cultures or societies, our gender does not determine our sexual orientation. Who we love is entirely independent of gender.

Gender roles, norms and stereotypes - The expectations and assumptions society places upon people based on their gender. For example, "Women love babies and baking, men love tractors and lifting weights." I talk about that in more detail here.

Drag - When someone plays with gender as part of an entertainment or performance. Usually involves a man performing as a female character or a woman performing as a male character, but anyone can perform drag regardless of their gender or the gender of the character they're playing.

Homophobia is Misogyny in Disguise

I've talked about this a fair bit in the past. Male gender role expectations, as we know them in Western culture, were developed in direct opposition to all things feminine. They are built upon the notion that women are peripheral, inferior and subordinate, while men are central, superior and dominant.

Men are expected to be strong, tough and hard-edged not because those are 'such great qualities to have', they are expected to be those things because that's how a 'real man' differentiates himself from women. Men are men not because of what they are, but rather because of what they are not: women. Conventional gender norms state:

Women are soft, pretty, delicate, emotional, nurturing, dreamy, relationship-focused and passive, with the home as their domain.

Men are hard, rugged, tough, rational, disciplining, pragmatic, task-focused and dominant, with the world as their domain.

A man who wants to be a man needs to reject all feminine qualities and interests and dig into everything masculine. He can't cry, he can't be gentle and sweet, he can't nurture and support others, he can't follow other people's lead, he can't look polished or worry about his appearance, he can't be in any way fragile or tender.

Queer men aren't hated because they fuck other guys, they are hated because they embody aspects of femininity.

A man who fucks another man isn't automatically viewed as transgressing manhood. Every hot-blooded man can understand wanting to stick your dick into something and, in a pinch or if the mood strikes you, why not a pretty man? That doesn't make you gay, it makes you a virile man. (Or so the thinking goes).

However, a man who takes another man's cock is basically a woman. A man who sucks another man's cock is basically a woman (incidentally, a 'real man' doesn't go down on a woman, either, that's too subordinate). A man who wants to love and kiss and marry another man is basically a woman. A man who partners with men when there are beautiful women available is basically a woman.

A man who plays with fashion, with delicate mannerisms and tone of voice, with makeup and hair and language, with movement and dance in the context of fashion - such a man is basically a woman.

Queerness is one of the most serious transgressions against the patriarchal social order. That's what makes it so powerful. That's what makes drag and other aspects of queer culture so powerful. It's why queer men find these things so empowering. They are taking back their right to be whoever they want be. They're breaking down the walls that society is trying to box them into. They are saying 'fuck you' to the social order that oppresses them.

The Waacking Scene

Waacking started in LA gay clubs in the 70's, where primarily people of color (latino, black, asian), influenced by disco and funk styles, incorporated dramatic moves and poses from magazines, movies and TV to create a powerful new style of dance. This style had deep roots in drag, and was inspired by drag performers who would strike poses to the beat of the music.

Waacking was an act of defiance against the oppression and erasure these gay men were experiencing in their daily lives. In fact, in the beginning it was called 'punking', a reclamation of the term 'punk' which was at the time a homophobic term used against flamboyant gay men.

The spirit of waacking is 'be yourself - show your true self', and it is a safe place for dancers to express themselves and defy gender roles. It's common for waackers - both male and female - to incorporate drag elements into their performances, and it's common for male dancers to be referred to in feminine terms such as 'queen', 'princess', 'sister', 'girl', etc. by their fellow performers.

This is also common in drag circles and in queer circles in general. More on that later.

Drag vs Transgender

Many people find the distinction between drag and transgender confusing. If you are one of those people, I hope this clears things up for you.

Drag

Drag has a long history that goes back to the earliest days of theatre, when men or young boys would perform the female roles. Drag is a form of entertainment that plays with, subverts and performs gender in ways that are often unexpected, humorous or artistic.

Over the years drag became an empowering way for queer people to explore and express aspects of their identities that were being suppressed by mainstream culture. By taking on appearance and mannerisms that did not match the gender roles they were being shoved into in their daily lives, queer people were able to liberate themselves from those roles in big, dramatic ways.

This can be especially powerful for queer men. Societal expectations of manhood are extreme in ways that are often overlooked. Especially in terms of appearance and mannerisms.

While it's commonplace to see women in baseball caps, jeans and work boots, it is extremely uncommon to see men in makeup, skirts and high heels. For a lot of queer men, drag can be a powerful way to push back against the often suffocating gender norms that are enforced upon them.

The euphoria drag performers describe feeling when they perform is often about a sense of belonging, empowerment and fun. They describe feeling a sort of 'high' from the experience. One of the most common things first time drag performers talk about is the euphoria of putting themselves out there and getting so much support and acceptance from the community, the audience and their friends.

This acceptance and support can be a powerful feeling for men who have been raised to believe doom will rain upon them if they ever express any femininity (i.e. most men).

Drag is often silly, exaggerated and tongue-in-cheek, but the support and safety of these spaces is Serious Business.

For performers, drag is about being playful, having fun and breaking down labels and expectations. Focusing on whether you think the performer is gay, straight, bisexual, cisgender or transgender misses the entire point of the performance. Drag is about freedom from all of those things.

Drag is also not about 'performing womanhood', it's about 'performing a character'. It is about developing and creating a persona through which to examine and break down stereotypes and expectations around gender and sexuality. There is a widespread misconception that drag is just a way for gay men to satirize women, and that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Transgender

When each of us is born, we are assigned a sex - male or female - based on a quick glance at our genitals. If someone is lucky, that sex matches how they feel inside about their gender identity and they will go on in their lives having their gender identity affirmed and validated through the way people speak to or about them, the ID they are issued, the expectations placed upon them, etc.

If someone is unlucky, that sex will not match how they feel inside about their gender identity and they will go on in their lives having their gender identity undermined and invalidated through the way people speak to or about them, the ID they are issued, the expectations placed upon them, etc..

Transgender people will often come to a point in their lives where they have to face the tough decision of whether to continue living the way they have, or to transition to begin living as the gender they identify as. This can often mean completely upending their lives, and/or being rejected by friends, family and colleagues who are unwilling to let go of the perception of that person as the gender they were assigned.

These struggles are often a matter of life or death for transgender people. A recent study on suicide rates among adolescents gives us a glimpse into how serious the issue is.

The study looked at 11-19 year old adolescents over a 36 month period. 14% had reported attempting suicide. An examination of the percentage of kids attempting suicide from each gender identity group is shocking and heartbreaking.

50.8% Female-to-male transgender

41.8% Non-binary

29.9% Male-to-female transgender

27.9% Questioning

17.6% Cisgender female

9.8% Cisgender male

Many transgender people experience gender dysphoria - a feeling of unease, discomfort or distress from being perceived and treated as a gender they do not identify with. Dysphoria varies widely in terms of type and degree. There are many cases where it is so severe that it can drive people to suicide. For many people, transitioning to live as the gender they identify with can cure that dysphoria.

As you can see, this is a very different thing from drag or drag performance. Transgender people aren't 'playing with gender' or even 'exploring or subverting gender', they are grappling with identity, with how they are treated and perceived in the world, and often with their very lives.

For trans people, dressing and taking on the characteristics of gender is a matter of survival, and a matter of affirmation of who they are inside. Bringing their identities as human beings out into the world so they can experience harmony between who they are inside, and how they are treated and perceived by the world around them.

The euphoria described by transgender people when they are recognized and treated as the gender they identify with is deep and powerful. A sense of rightness, of harmony between how they feel inside and how they are perceived. A feeling of having a bone-deep itch finally scratched. They describe feeling joyful, confident, optimistic for the future.

This is why it is so important for us to support and affirm gender identities, and advocate for proper health care and human rights for transgender people. Words can have a big impact on people, trans or not, and trans people are some of the most vulnerable in our communities.

If transgender people take on the visual cues and fashion of a particular gender, it is to affirm their very identity. That identity is not something they can take off or on like a costume. Even when a drag performer has deep identity needs they are exploring through drag, they are still creating and performing a persona, whereas trans people are living their true identities.

Queer Culture in Other Regions

I have limited access to information about queer culture in mainland China, but as far as I can tell, queer identity politics are quite different in China than they are in North America. People are much less likely to identify strongly in an alphabet soup (LGBTQPAI2+++) sort of way like people in the west tend to do. In China it's common for people just refer to and think of themselves as 'not straight' and leave it at that.

- Sidebar -

I vastly prefer that approach over the whole alphabet soup thing. I dislike the increasing atomization of community that happens as more, and more individualized, identity divides are created. I understand why some people have found those divides necessary, but they still sadden me.

Not only do I feel they separate people into smaller and smaller isolated silos, but they also lead to people being increasingly defined by specific aspects of their queerness in ways that feel - to me - unnatural, constrictive and alienating.

Labels often become a crutch both for the labeller and the labelled, and they become a lens through which we view ourselves and each other. One that often obscures and distorts as much as it reveals.

I think we all have a natural tendency to react to things based on our own experience. However, it's useful to consider cultural context and remind ourselves that different people in different parts of the world might approach things in a different way. Things that we might take as signs and cues in our own community might mean something entirely different somewhere else. Even where the meaning is the same, the weight or significance given to that meaning might be dramatically different.

The Queer Tradition of Language Subversion

Throughout history queer people have used language to:

Protest and subvert social expectations around oppressive gender norms (for example, gay men calling themselves queens).

Bond with other queer people via a shared playfulness and sense of freedom around gender (for example, gay men calling each other 'sister' or 'girlfriend').

Protect themselves from discovery and/or persecution or prosecution (for example, a woman writing a love letter to her girlfriend using a masculine name and pronouns).

Reclaim gendered terms that have been used against them as slurs (for example, Rupaul telling performers, 'You better sissy that walk!").

Freely explore and express aspects of their personality that rigid societal gender norms won't otherwise allow them to (for example, 'linguistic drag' - intentionally putting on a manner of speech that doesn't traditionally match your gender).

This is a common practice across the globe. Queer men referring to each other in feminine terms. Queer women referring to each other in masculine terms. General subversion and manipulation of gendered language both as a form of play and as a political act.

In those circles, linguistic gender bending is accepted and even welcomed. However, a guy wouldn't call his best friend's girlfriend 'honey'. Similarly, it's not considered acceptable for someone from outside of the intimate circle of a particular queer scene to use those gender-play terms. These people refer to each other this way because they have a close intimate relationship.

In fact, when used by people outside that scene, those terms can often be viewed as insults or slurs.

TL;DR

These can be complicated, nuanced issues and even I - someone who spent my entire teen and adult life immersed in the gay club/drag scene - sometimes struggle to find the right footing. It's OK to be uncertain, and OK to ask questions, and it's even OK to get it wrong from time to time.

I can't tell you what's the right approach, I can just tell you what I do, and why.

Assuming gender identity because of gender presentation - particularly in the context of performance of this nature - is a tricky business.

Is AC transgender? I don't know. It's possible. But if he's trans, he doesn’t appear to be out publicly as such. I refer to him in male terms because I don’t feel comfortable going against how he is presenting himself to us as an audience, even though it’s possible that there is more to the story than what we see on SDOC.

I will leave the readers to form their own conclusions and approaches to this. Hopefully everything I've said above will give you food for thought and help you navigate these issues.

I recognize I could have just kept this post short by cutting it down to this last section, but I think it's always useful for people to have a deeper insight into an issue. Particularly when it comes to things like identity, queer culture, etc. in a world where sex education and queer culture education is often lacking.

Edit: AC seems to be increasingly presenting as female in public and in their downtime, so I’ve revised my personal position on this topic. However, I still urge people to go with what feels right for them.

[scuttling]

Interview

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Latina OFC Sophie Cortes Word Count: 1,729 Tags: SFW, Pre-relationship, First meetings Summary: Aaron finally gets the greenlight to hire a new agent. Collection: Sophie Cortes timeline, 0-6 Months at the BAU (See Masterlist for reading order) A/N: Sophie and Reid are partners, because I love them! Link to AO3 or read below!

It takes two months for Hotch to convince Section Chief Strauss to open a requisition for a new member in the BAU. There was a lot of paperwork to be filled out, including detailed explanations as to why he felt the team needed another profiler. He thought it was obvious: for all they do work together as a cohesive unit, Morgan and Elle were technically partners, and when she left, Prentiss took her place. Reid doesn’t have a partner, which makes him feel like a third wheel, sometimes.

(He won’t admit to it, but Hotch notices things. It’s kind of his job.)

Needless to say, the position becomes available, but it takes another couple of months—and several interviews—for Hotch to find the right person to fill it.

Agent Cortes comes highly recommended by the Intelligence Section’s unit chief, someone he worked on a case with in his early days at the BAU; she is young, just 29, but she is more than qualified, and the referring agent is someone whose opinion he respects, so he’s hopeful.

Gideon sits in on the interview because he respects his opinion, too, although Hotch will make the final decision.

Cortes is Latina, petite and polite, with a firm handshake, a warm smile, and dark, striking eyes. Gideon looks at her with somewhat passive interest (something only Gideon can pull off) as they go over the highlights of her resume.

“You have bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Sociology, and master’s degrees in Behavioral Science and Criminology, all from the University of Chicago. How did you manage all of that, at your age?” Hotch asks, wondering if maybe she is gifted like Reid.

“A lot of hard work,” she replies, and it’s an answer he likes. “I graduated high school, enrolled in a dual major program and completed the bachelors’ at 22. Then I was hired onto the Chicago Police Department, and I worked there and got my Criminology degree at the same time. The Behavioral Science degree came after; I began it in person, and they let me finish online when I moved here to join the FBI.”

“What interested you about behavioral science?”

“I grew up in a city that was rich with diversity, but I still noticed that certain people were susceptible to falling into certain patterns, and became curious about why we as people do the things we do. I was already interested in criminal justice, so it seemed a natural path to take.” He nods, jots down a couple of notes before looking back up.

“Tell us about your time with the Chicago Police Department.”

“I went through training while finishing my Criminology degree, worked a beat for about six months before being assigned to the Intelligence Unit; my sergeant found value in the way I was able to get people talking, and a large part of my work was with criminal informants. I worked in Intelligence for three and a half years, and for the last two I was on the Tactical Response Team as well.”

“Tactical Response—that’s SWAT?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How did you end up in SWAT?” Gideon asks, speaking up for the first time; she looks over at him for the first time, as well. “I mean no offense, you’re clearly more than capable, you’re just… small.” She gives him a brief smile.

“Well, there was a hostage situation, the team leader determined that we could get a vantage point from an air duct... and I was the only one who fit.”

“You don’t seem resentful of that,” Hotch notices, a bit surprised. It’s not an origin sorry everyone would be proud of. Her eyes turn back to him.

“I find it’s more important what you do with your time somewhere than how you got there. I contributed to many successful responses over the course of two years that had nothing to do with my size.” It is a great answer, and he holds back a smile of his own, simply nods.

“So you left Chicago to join the bureau; did you have your sights set on any department in particular?”

“I was torn between Language Analysis and Intelligence and ended up somewhere in the middle.”

“Intelligence because of your background, why Language Analysis?” Gideon asks.

“I speak 6: English, Spanish, and Italian as my native languages, plus Russian, French, and German. I have an ear for them.”

“Impressive,” Gideon says, nodding, lips pressed together. Cortes smiles, modest.

“It’s helpful; more than 30% of the population of Chicago speaks a language other than English at home.” Hotch does crack a smile at that, because the statistic reminds him of Reid.

“How would you describe your current role with Intelligence?”

“The official title is Intelligence Liaison. I’m part of a team that travels domestically and internationally, to law enforcement or government agencies, to debrief them on threats we’ve identified, or potential threat activity, and to help them formulate offensive countermeasures.” There is a lot of experience there that would translate well to the BAU, that much is clear. If anything, she may be overqualified, but they would never turn down the help.

“What’s the most frustrating part of your job?” It’s a question he always throws in, because true frustrations—and how one handles them—can say a lot about a person.

“When they don’t listen and people die. I do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen often.” He looks up from the form to the woman, who, in that moment, shows the things she’s seen all over her face. They’re gone from one blink to the next, and he breaks eye contact to choose his next question. No follow up needed there.

“It sounds like you have experience interacting with law enforcement, which is important here at the BAU. We can’t work on a case unless we are invited by the agency with jurisdiction, so maintaining healthy relationships is vital. We have a communications liaison who deals directly with police departments, sheriff’s stations, FBI field offices, and the media, but knowing how to handle them is a big part of the job.” It’s not a question as much as a confirmation, and she nods.

“I’m confident in my ability to interact with other law enforcement in a direct but respectful way. It’s something I’ve done a lot of as Intelligence Liaison.” He has one final question, and though he’s already more than pleased with the interview, the answer will make or break his decision.

“Why the BAU?”

“Curiosity is what got me interested in behavioral science, but it’s empathy that makes me interested in the BAU. My current work helps to save lives, but it’s all very large scale, and it can be detached, cold. I can be detached and impartial when I need to be, but I can’t deny it would feel like a better use of my skill set to make a more tangible difference.” He agrees, can already tell that she would thrive in the environment of their unit, and it’s just the kind of answer he’s looking for; he takes a few more notes, glances over at Gideon for input.

“Anything else you’d like to ask?”

“I think we’ve covered it,” he says, and he stands abruptly, which makes Agent Cortes stand as well. Hotch follows suit. “Nice to meet you. He’ll be in touch,” Gideon adds, shaking her hand briefly and leaving the room. She is left looking a little lost, and Hotch steps around the desk.

“I apologize for him, he’s a little…”

“Capricious?” she offers with a smile, and he laughs lightly.

“That’s accurate, actually. Please don’t take it personally.”

“I won’t. I’ve heard a lot about him, so he kind of lives up to my expectations.” She tilts her head, looking curious. “You don’t, though. Unit Chief Roberts told me you would be stoic; I expected someone much more aloof, but you’re actually rather warm.” He is a bit surprised by her directness, even more so that she would find him... warm.

“I doubt that my colleagues would agree with your assessment,” he says, thinking of the number of less than kind words used to describe him in the past. She just smiles again.

“I guess you really do need me on your team, then.”

He finds it hard not to agree.

“There are a few more things we’ll need from you, such as a psychological evaluation, recent performance reviews, a physical. I’ll be in touch with Agent Roberts, and then you, if we determine you are the right fit. I’ll see you out,” he adds, gesturing to the door, and she follows. The team, who was not yet in the bullpen when she arrived, looks on, curious, as they head to the glass double doors.

“Thank you for the opportunity to interview. I hope to hear from you soon,” she says with another firm handshake, and he nods.

“We’ll be in touch. It’s a pleasure to have made your acquaintance.”

“Likewise, Agent Hotchner.” She gets onto the elevator, and he heads back to the bullpen, stops specifically at Reid’s desk, though everyone is nearby.

“Congratulations, Reid: you’ve officially got a partner.” Reid smiles, looking pleased.

“Who is she?”

“Special Agent Sophia Cortes. She currently works for Intelligence. Bachelors’ in Psychology and Sociology, Masters’ in Criminology and Behavioral Sciences. Fluent in six languages. Got her start at Chicago PD like you, Morgan—Intelligence there too. And SWAT.”

“SWAT?” Morgan echoes, impressed. “She’s gotta be 5’2” out of those heels.”

“She’s got glowing reviews from her superiors there, and from her unit chief: he called her resilient, determined, empathetic, a team player. She’s good at communicating with law enforcement, victims, even unsubs. The BAU is the right place for her. We’ll just be waiting on paperwork to make it official.” He crosses his arms, leans back against the filing cabinet. “I’d have introduced you, but she doesn’t know she’s being offered the job just yet.”

“She must have made quite an impression on you for you to decide on the spot,” Prentiss says, and he nods his head in agreement.

“I think she’ll fit in well. I saw a little bit of each of you in her, and she’s very…” He tries to think of one word to sum up the woman he just interviewed, and decides with a half-smile: “warm.”

[duchess-of-mandalore]

Hey! I loved your Ben nickname analysis, I’ve always wondered where that came from! I was wondering, do you have any thoughts on the dichotomy of Bo Katan and Satine’s names? Like, they’re not remotely similar-sounding and tbh the style of Bo’s seems more like Obi Wan’s name than Satine’s. Just curious!

Oh, thank you! Sometimes, I wonder if people find my analyses detailed to the point of being boring, so when someone asks me for more, I'm elated!! You've made my day! (And I hope you enjoy my conclusion!)

This is something that I’ve always wondered as well. Bo-Katan just doesn't feel like it has the same aristocratic feel that Satine has, and I've always wondered if there's a reason behind their names.

First, I just want to say that I think it's a coincidence that Bo-Katan and Obi-Wan's names are more similar in structure. They come from different planets and different cultures which influence their languages differently. My headcanon for Obi-Wan's name is that Stewjon is basically space Scotland. People are identified by a patronym starting with the prefix "ken" to show their clan or family line. So Obi-Wan is literally "Obi-Wan of Clan Obi" or "Obi-Wan, Son of Obi." In a society like that, "Obi" would probably be a popular first name, so "-Wan" is an additional identifier so that they can keep all of the Obis straight!

But back to our Mandalore sisters:

CW writer Henry Gilroy named Satine but has never mentioned what the inspiration behind that was. He still maintains that it's complete coincidence that she bears the same name as Ewan McGregor's love interest from Moulin Rouge, but even Dave Filoni finds that hard to believe!

Dave Filoni named Bo-Katan as a funny portmanteau of his wife's name and her cat's nickname:

The name "Bo-Katan" was created by Filoni as a nod to his wife's cat. Filoni's wife, Anne, calls the cat "boogie," and Filoni derived "Bo-Katan" from "boogie-cat-Anne."

It might be tempting to say that Dave created Bo-Katan without any thought to the Kryze family (since she was a character in Season 4 before being revealed to be Satine's sister in Season 5). However, Dave said that he always had it in mind that Bo was Satine's sister (however, he opted not to tell George Lucas until after Anna Graves and Katee Sackoff worked together on The Lawless, and George agreed that the two characters would work as sisters). So ... all that is to say that it was Dave's intention to have these two be sisters, in spite of their rather discordant names (and different accents).

-

So using Mando'a, can we come up with meanings for Satine and Bo-Katan?

As I mentioned in my other post, Satine sounds like the Mando'a word saviin [sah-VEEN], meaning violet. The word sarad [SAH-rad] means flower, so I could see her name having something to do with flowers, which would be appropriate given the Mandalorian lilies that she wears, and considering that flowers so often have a connotation of peace.

How about Bo? I'm playing fast and loose with roots to come up with this, but please consider:

The Mando'a root "bor" is related to words meaning work: - bora [BOH-ra], noun - "job" - borarir [boh-RAH-reer], verb - "to work" - verborir [VAIR-bor-EER], verb - "hire, buy, contract"

And "aka" is related to a whole bunch of fighting words, including: - aka [AH-kah], noun - "mission" - akaan [ah-KAHN] noun - "war" - akaanir [ah-KAH-neer], verb - "to fight"

So how about this?

Let's say the root "bor" contracts to "bo," and that "akatanir" is an older form of the word "akaanir" (which later contracted). Combine them and drop the "ir" verb ending, and you get:

Bo-Katan - "mercenary, warrior" [literally "the war worker," "one whose work is war."]

Huh? Huh?! I kind of like that!

That's not nearly as non-sensical as I though given that I was starting with "boogie-cat-Anne!"

-

So ... why? Why would their parents have given their girls such different names? (Sidenote: in at least two sources, Dave has used the phrase "when Bo and Satine were six-years-old" to describe a particularly formative experience they had. That implies to me that they're probably twins, which carries its own relevance in the world of Star Wars).

Even though he wasn't mentioned in Clone Wars, we know that Bo and Satine's father, Duke Adonai Kryze, was a great warlord and the leader of Clan Kryze. It doesn't surprise me then that he'd give his daughter a name that means "warrior."

So if that's the case, Satine's name may be more of the outlier, but I think that can be explained as well (though this is more of an assumption than canon). In the Legends Mandalorian culture, there was a clan culture that included a bit of a hierarchy, but it wasn't rigid or defined by class. However, Clone Wars established that the Mandalorians (or at least the New Mandalorians) have an aristocratic class (there's Duke Adonai, Duchess Satine, Lady Bo-Katan, and Prince Tal Merrik, from what we see). Some fans have assumed that the Mandalorian aristocracy came about because some Mandalorians (not necessarily pacifists) were influenced by Core World cultures that also had aristocratic societies.  

In any case, Satine's more aristocratic name could be reflective of the Republic influence that her father had subscribed to, while Bo-Katan's name may reflect his continued commitment to what he saw as "true" Mandalorian culture.

If that's true, it feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Adonai Kryze literally named his twin daughters "war" and "peace" ... and his daughters absolutely lived into those names.

[theoniprince]

If you had to pick one name/alias/moniker to go by, fandom-wide, what would it be?

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

Name and link some of your favorite works, please!

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

First of all thank you so much for asking me!!! 8D It was a pleasure to answer all these questions. During this I got quite emotional (haha Stanpat, Eddie). It showed me again how much I love this 8DDD

( I apologize in advance for all misspellings and my sloppy English =_=)

If you had to pick one name/alias/moniker to go by, fandom-wide, what would it be?

Oh, what a start XD I'm not that into nicknames. Generally people using my first name to address me or my username which is mostly onyprince (in reference to a character from Hakuouki) ID Sometimes they say Oni or J(ay) (Nickname for my first name). Do as you wish (though I like ‘J’ the th most) 😉

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

Twitter. But everything I post there is also here. Feel free to follow my account, but you don’t have to. https://twitter.com/oniprince_

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

Oniprince_ (Twitter) yeah… you see, I am pretty boring XDDD

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

Actually 23 years ago (haha I am old XD) When I was eleven I saw the miniseries with my cousins for the first time. The horror factor wasn't that important to me or maybe I didn't see it that way. It was more like an adventure story with an unfunny and nasty clown. A group of friends who had to endure an adventure. In any case, it entertained me well, even if I was not aware of some elements like that it’s a story about growing up, friendship, love and all these issues around becoming an adult XDD Then with 13 I read the book. It was a  new experience, and I loved every single word. Over the years I talked with friends and Kingsianer (XD) about it and read it for a second and a third time. At this point I could start a list with things I don’t like about the movies, but I’d rather mention on thing I really appreciate about them: they are a good opportunity for a new generation to explore this universe. Every adaption like the book itself is a reflection of a specific decade and what is more yeah… immortal, universal and diverse than a story about growing up. It was a discussion with a dear friend about book to movie adaptions some weeks ago that probably brought me back to this fandom

Nevertheless there are things from the book I would have loved to see in the movies. Let’s be honest at this point if you want to adapt such a brick of a book you simply have to cut some elements. You can’t please everyone

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

Ships:

Stanpat - orz q__q they are such a sweet couple and it is so heartbreaking, they never ever had a real chance to become parents. They would have been excellent parents. Imagine them on a beautiful summer day. They have a picnic with their children and Stan would watch birds with them. He would tell them all about the birds and keeps a journal about their observations with his kids

Reddie - Despite the constant teasing their realtionship seems like a natural, casual und easy thing from the start. And Eddie likes the nicknames. These secret names are like another identity. He can be someone else. They take care of each other. Their relationship is a deeper friendship that runs mostly on an emotional level and is sometimes expressed through small, physical gestures. The chemistry between them is indescribable. It is cute when 90s Eddie immediately starts to giggle as soon as Richie makes a dumb joke at their reunion. And thing about the little moments when Richie pokes Eddie and calls him cute. I am won’t quoting this one passage in the book that leaves much room for speculations, but there is no doubt their special bond is official. In any case, the decision to make Richie gay in the movies gave the ship another push. I don’t complain. I love it. Though I still think Eddie would have been a better option. There are already some scenes in the book which are like an invitation to speculate about his sexualityTheir chemistry is very obvious and believe me, there is nothing I would more appreciate than a happy end for them Q__Q

Benverly  „Your hair is winter fire

                   January embers

                  My heart burns there, too

This is one of sweetest things I have ever read in a book and that is all I need to explain why I love this ship.

Fav, Characters:  Hmm when I read „IT“ for the first time I had a crush on Bill. He ist the born leader and in my childish, pre-teen way found his stuttering cute. There is something about him that cast a spell on you. It is perfectly understandable that he was a role model and an inspiration for his friends – especially for Eddie. In my personal opinion book!Bill ist the best Bill.

Richie - I love this chaotic megane dude. He is this silly type who use jokes, pranks to protect himself. His voices are like safe heaven (the same goes for Bill, whose stuttering almost disappears, when he pretends tob e someone else). He hides himself and his insecurities behind them. It is a shame that he doesn’t know what an impact he had on his friends. Richie seems to never ever shut up and sometimes his trashmouth is still talking, when he better should be quite. And I am famous to fall for funny characters. He can lights up the mood immediately ( and OMG…. I love Harry Anderson in the miniseries. A real entertainer, BUT BILL HADER…. Bill Hader…just to make it clear BILL HADER  did such an amazing job. He rocked the movie and I still think, not just because I love this dude since over a decade, without him… the movie wouldn’t  have been so entertaining)

Eddie - He is in these abusive relationships. First with his mother, who keeps him small and makes him believe that he is weak. At the end her own fears of beeing left behind prevented her son from becoming a self-confident adult. Eddie always thought he is weak and fragile. Although he knows that he doesn’t need all this medication, his childhood experience were the reason for his coping-behavior as an adult – he still uses his inhaler. He married a woman who is like his mother. Mike's call was something of a turning point. Until this call Eddie could not overcome his fears and had to face them again as an adult. I can remember. While reading the book there were several moments of silence and I stopped reading and thought: poor Eddie.

Ultimately, his story is about a hero who surpasses himself, overcomes his fears and by sacrifice himself he protects what is most important to him - his friends. It just touched me. Eddie gave his life for his friends and I think you can say he's my favorite character. His death may be a tragedy, but it was necessary for his character arc. My theory is that Eddie represents someone who has lost track in his life and prefer to stick on old but unhealthy patterns.It is almost like Eddie stands for missed opportunities, but at the same time it is never to late to change something. He is a hero. There are so many things I would like to talk about, therefore I should start an own thread XDDD

Oh and Bev - I could always identify with her (not bc of abuse or domestic violence. My childhood was amazing). She is the only girl around the losers and I was the only girl in my  favourite clique too. We spent most of our time outside  - it was great. Of course I had other friends (female) as well, but with my boys… it was always special).. As you know as an adult she falls back in old patterns. Her husband is tyrannical man like her father. Again Mike’s call is a turning point.  Maybe the Benverly arc is the most satisfying. I was… I am very happy that Bev got her happy end.

Last but no least - I like Ben, Mike and Stan too. They have all there unique character treats and you sympathize with all of them. The Loser’s club is bunch of adorable idiots who just doing their best to become adults. I think it is normal that their friendship feels more intimate in the book – I highly recommand the book.

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Mostly fanarts, but recently I thought about posting my own theories and sharing my hcs and random stuff about the characters and the different relations.  

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

The fandom is full of amazing artists and writersand actually it would be a, but i want to name those who inspired me the most (mainly artists – hopefully I copied the links correcty):

https://tonyofthetrees.tumblr.com

https://meowsteryyy.tumblr.com

https://slashpalooza.tumblr.com/ ( you have to check out ‚Loose Ends‘)

https://coldcigarettes.tumblr.com

https://vvanini.tumblr.com/

https://eggocrumbs.tumblr.com

https://twitter.com/10_sgan

https://twitter.com/kasphacked

https://twitter.com/tac_nor

(oh.. the list got longer than expected IDDD)

Do you know this?

https://ragnarozzys.tumblr.com/post/189890790551/those-early-hours-after-a-sleepover-when-you-wake

Have you ever seen something as cozy and cute before I///D? – me neither XD

Trust me they are all worth a visit and I am sure most of us already know them 8D

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

My art I provide on tumblr can be found here:

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/tagged/myart

Honestly I like these the most:

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/649446311120273408/my-first-reddie-sketch-now-scanned-the-quality

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/649548606679007232/close-to-you-now-scanned-with-coloured

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/650697175346593792/hammock-iconic-richie-is-reading-a-monthly

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Oh… unfortunately I am not feelin‘ very confident about my own artworks. Sometims I have the feeling I am not creative enough and that my ideas are more or less boring. Nothing special ID Totally dumb – I know. As I mentioned before I came back lately to the fandom… I guess I missed many amazing IT weeks. I participated in some weeks/mainly shipweeks in other fandoms (Yakuza/Ryu ga Gotoku, FFXV) If I find an interesting annoucement I can imagine to participate in the future ; )

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

In general… the fandom is really friendly – I hope so. Lately I have seen some salty comments on different stuff, topics… and well.. I have just an advice: life can be exhausting enough and time is always running. Don’t spend time on things you don’t like. Discussions can esclate quickly and worde can hurt too. So, just thing about before you jump in.

Thanks again! <3

(Special lil sketchy piece of art I did for this ask)

[kevv]

a goodbye letter- abandoning current social media

i'm not the best at writing out my thoughts. forgive me if this feels scrambled and scraped together. my best friend, Fox, once said in abridged words; "it takes two to play out an abandonment fantasy, one to have it, and the other to follow suit".

i've known several handfuls of people who fear abandonment, or more specifically, being the one abandoned; scared that one day everyone in their life will take leave. and sometimes, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they do. they leave in mass exodus, set into motion by one person who wants to set-forth their own abandonment fantasy– abandoning everyone else.

for me, my own fear of abandonment is not anyone abandoning me, i'm unbothered by people entering my life and leaving of their own accord; i'm scared i'll be the one to abandon everyone in my life. because i have. several times. i still do, even. i'll meet people in my lifetime that i loved harder than the universe itself, a deep love so terrifying i feel that it'll demolish cities and townships, friends and lovers and found-family. my skin will buzz and blaze alight with such an intense fear, a fear that i will ruin them and everything they are so i must run. it's unfounded, but it drives me away, and i fight tooth and nail to get to that escape route for those who won't let me leave quietly, until it ends in disaster. it's my own abandonment fantasy. i recall once, an ex-lover wanted me to stay. tried to lock the door and toss away the key, and said it hurt that i wanted an out. so i caused problems until i could break out through the window. not being allowed an option to leave made me feel like a feral, caged animal; because in the end, that's all i am. i hadn't done it on purpose. the need to escape everything had been there months prior. the events leading up to it had been fuzzy at best, sickly at worst, and i had been spoonfed misinformation. not on purpose, not in malicious intent, but still it struck genuine fear in my heart. like a feral animal, i want the option to roam. to come and go as i please. i can't be kept, i just want the trust that i'll find my way back eventually. if i feel contained, i scratch and bite until i'm released. but if you hold out your hand and wait patiently, i'll come to you. but don't ask me to stay. please don't ask me to stay. there's a lot that lead up to this current migration. the inability to be allowed to stand on my own two-feet and exist as just purely Kevin, not adjacent to someone, was a big one. still to this day i am asked about a youtuber i am no longer affiliated with by my own choice. i don't like attention, it's something i've said to her, said to many, and why i chose to never appear in her videos. which seems contradictory for an artist who posts on social media and previously did all of her older channel art. but maybe now i'm realizing that truthfully, i wanted recognition for me, not for others or for who i made myself sick in order to create content for. it's inescapable. i harbor no hard feelings anymore, i understand i was in the peak of my codependency and was willing to ruin myself for the benefit of another. to run myself broke and dry because at 19 years old i was still a child who didn't know how to handle the extent of his emotions. i want to apologize to penny. neither of us are really blameless, but we were inexperienced and young– still young. it's easy to not know what we're doing, to unintentionally take advantage of someone who was willing to burn themselves to give you warmth, or to latch onto an unfounded rumor and bare my teeth. i hope you're doing well, and i'm sorry. i'd like to give you a proper apology one day, when i'm more ready. that day is not today. sometimes i feel like there are four people living inside my brain, all with dissenting opinions and voices that i can't tell who i am anymore. i feel like i'm constantly contradicting myself because i don't know what my own thoughts are. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am anymore because i'm several different people all trying to be "kevin", all with different beliefs that go against a previous one. i prematurely deleted my twitter account for this reason, i couldn't stand a second more of being in a toxicity cycle i had previously taken part in, because sometimes that's all social media is. it's very... Online. i want to be one, unified person. whose thoughts and feelings are unadulterated by others surrounding him. additionally, there's the elephant in the room. some have already guessed it, suspected it, saw something like it coming from miles away. but for others who have known me for the past decade, it might be a surprise. someone once told me that words have power, and while at the time i disagreed, i'm starting to understand what she meant now. i've been afraid to speak it into existence, because it means it's real, and coming to terms with this unavoidable truth is a terrifying experience, one i need to face and stop running away from. 

i'm detransitioning. giving life to this phrase doesn't make me feel any better. words have power, and that power is to make me crumble and break. since as early as 4 years old, i felt as if i was born a boy who was just being raised as a girl. at 12 was when i learned about and started identifying as transgender. at 18 i legally changed my name. for a decade, i lived as a transgender man. i've mentioned this before, but i'm intersex. i have an androgen insensitivity syndrome. what this means is that androgens, male sex hormones, have no effect on me. they instantly are reconverted back into estrogen by my body. this has been a reoccurring nightmare of mine since i was 14, and having it become my reality is.. heartbreaking, to say the least, crushing a lifetime of dreams and wishes. i've tried testosterone, self-medicated in my teen years, and "officially" more recently. it has no effect on me. a friend of mine says i shouldn't give up hope until i properly see an endocrinologist about HRT, but the reality is– i know my body, and i know my condition. i don't grow body hair, and my body cannot masculinize. these are unavoidable truths. i don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be told what i already know. HRT will not affect me; i will never be able to transition. any attempt will become a scientific study in which i'm a guinea pig. i don't want that. i will never pass for male. my voice is high, my body is undoubtably female, my face is feminine, and i'm 4'11". it's disheartening and i've shed many tears over it. for what feels like my whole life, i've longed for SRS/GRS, top surgery, a deeper voice, and a couple inches of height. i ache for body hair, masculine fat redistribution, and male pattern baldness. all the good and the bad associated with testosterone is what i so desperately yearn for with such a soul-crushing depravity. i am genuinely heartbroken. maybe it's my punishment for all the bad things i've believed in or done. it's what i'd deserve, i guess. this punishment. it is for those reasons that i feel like i can no longer find comfort in identifying as ftm, to struggle seeing myself as a man. it's crazy, i've referred to myself as male since early childhood, and now that i'm coming to terms with my intersex condition am i feeling wrong in every conceivably way of identity. truthfully, i don't even identify as anything anymore. i'm not nonbinary, cis, or i guess trans. i feel as if i just exist. i just am. you can still call me kevin. it's my name, my legal name– which i love to point out. i'm not changing it. it's the first time i made a decision purely for myself, and went through with it. i love my name. i don't think i will love anything about myself quite like my name. i chose it when i was 12, it was my first choice. i never wanted another name. i still don't. but i like nicknames, particularly kitty and K-K. you can call me those too. these have always been options available. i reiterate– i really like being called nicknames. (: you can still use male pronouns for me. i never minded being "misgendered" because, well, i never passed, and i made peace with that years and years ago. while being called she/her or otherwise will probably always leave a stale taste in my mouth, i've learned to accept the reality of what i am a long time ago. biologically female. you can still use male identifiers for me, like husband or boyfriend or whatever other male terms there are...... actually you'll have to pry those out of my cold dead hands. i will not accept being called a "girlfriend" i will literally go feral and foam at the mouth and bite your ankles until you take it back. there's comfort in these things that i'm not ready to let go of, and frankly, i don't think i'll ever feel ready to. moving forward, i don't really know what i'm going to do. right now i'm taking a break from the internet, so i can soul-search and truly find myself, in all senses of the word and every iteration that it can be built upon. i'll make a new twitter account when i'm ready to, probably. there's a lot more i want to say, to add onto this in addendum, and pour so much of myself into this until it spills out the sides and trickles down into tiny cracks. but truthfully, i don't know how to say it. i don't know its relevancy to this eulogy of an account, and quite honestly, there are still some things i can't find myself able to say. to speak into existence. to give power to those words. admitting aloud to a 6-year long love that burnt like candles catching a home on fire was intense enough (hi Charlotte it's you, it's you and it's always been you and everyone knows this). so maybe i'd rather keep some things to myself, perhaps. preferably. so i guess that's it. i've bared my heart and soul and skin and bones to whoever will read this piece of myself. it's the end to katidoj, one that's been a longtime coming. i've never been very good at staying in one place for very long. please take care, i love you. and i'll miss you. a piece of my heart left with you, here buried deep in this account. (pressing the submit button has never been so hard in my life.)

[thelostgirl21]

Pansexuality, Bisexuality, Asexuality, and experiencing sexual attraction towards a person regardless of gender...

Alright you guys, here’s the thing.

I’m seeing a lot of hurt, resentment, and misunderstanding in the pansexuality tag, coming primarily from pansexuals and bisexuals alike, and I think it’s high time we sat the fuck down together, and had a good heart-to-heart as a community.

Actually, I’m inviting asexuals to the table, too, because they happen to be much closer to a specific subset of pansexuality than a lot of people seem to believe, and might be able to offer valuable input and insight into that whole debate.

First, I know there are a lot of different views, versions, and definitions of what pansexuality is. Some identify as being sexually attracted to all gender expressions, others as being sexually attracted to people regardless of gender.

Here, I’m going to address what “regardless of gender” actually entails in terms of how one experiences sexual attraction towards another person without regard to their gender.  This is the definition of pansexuality that I wish to delve into and explore, so hopefully we may gain a broader perspective of why some of us feel that having a distinct space within the LGBTQ+ community matters.

First off, here is an especially important concept that does not seem to be well integrated for many people:

What orients human sexuality is not restricted to gender.

I repeat: What orients human sexuality is not restricted to gender.

What does it mean?

This means that every human being that do experience sexual attraction towards another human being does so according to a huge multitude of personal criteria that they perceive in another human being that - when combined together – trigger that sense of sexual attraction, and lets us perceive a person as being sexually attractive.

When we say that someone is "hot" and that “we want them"; usually, it is because there is that *special something* about the way they act, the way they move, the depth of their voice, the sound of their laughter, the mischievous glint in their eyes, their overall projected personality, how they carry themselves, their height, their weight, their confidence, their vulnerability, the shape of their forehead, their nose, the texture of their hair, the roundness of their buttocks, the culture they belong to, their intellect, etc., that is perceived as being sexually desirable traits to be found in a “mate”.

Some of these perceived traits tend to carry more weight, and thus will be taken into consideration, more than others.

However, assuming we are not asexual, we all sexually respond to an array of perceived physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, intellectual, etc. features we see in another human being that makes us go "Yup! I wanna have the sex with you!"

For the vast majority of people, gender tends to be what they assess first - something that is significant enough to orient their sexuality - or that is, at least, perceived as being significant in some way.

For example, they will see a woman with luscious red hair, a gorgeous smile, an aura of authenticity, a resonant laughter, a soft, curvy body, freckles, a shy gaze yet a very firm and assured handshake, and their body will respond to said woman in a way that awakens some desire in them.  They will want to have sex with that woman, and they will typically appreciate that she is a woman while doing so.

Some will have a preference for cisgender or transgender women, but for the purpose of the issues I’m wishing to bring into light, please always assume that whenever I am referring to a woman or a man, this includes both cisgender and transgender individuals.

This is crucially important. Because I’ve sadly seen many people claiming that they are “pansexual” because they like every gender, even “transgenders”, while arguing that bisexuals only like “cisgender men and women”, and that makes absolutely no sense.

By doing so, you are pretending that your sexuality is “more inclusive” towards multiple gender identities, while at the same time pretending that, in order to be bisexual, a transgender woman would need to feel no sexual attraction towards other transgender men, and/or women of her own gender.

You are unwittingly relegating transgender individuals to the role of being someone else’s object of sexual desire, while not giving them the role of being the ones expressing that desire in how they identify.

The gender is “woman”.  The gender is “man”.  The gender is “non-binary”.  The (absence of) gender is “agender”.

You absolutely have the right to be exclusively sexually oriented towards men whose assigned gender at birth (usually determined by their genitalia) matches their gender identity.  

But that is a personal preference of yours in “how you like your men”.  

I know quite a few girls that are not sexually attracted to men that are smaller than themselves, and yet they are still heterosexual or bisexual.

Preferring someone whose gender matches the gender they were assigned at birth based on their genitalia is nothing wrong.

Pretending that transgender men and women should be excluded from the definition of bisexuality based on being transgender, is.  It reflects a failure to acknowledge that transgender men and women are the same gender as cisgender men and women.

So, everywhere you see me refer to “men” and “women”, please do assume that it includes both cisgender and transgender individuals.  Whenever I am talking about a specific interest in certain types of genitalia (that are associated with the gender assigned at birth vs the gender identity of a person), I will make that precision.

Otherwise men and women are men and women, period.

That being said, to go back to the notion of all the different variables influencing our sexual orientation, I believe that in order to properly understand the nuance found in pansexuality, it would be helpful to take a good look at an asexual’s experience of their own sexuality.

When people hear “asexual”, they often make the mistake of assuming that everyone that identifies as asexual are sex-repulsed, or that they can’t find pleasure in the act of sharing sex with a partner, romantic or otherwise.

All that asexuality means, really, is that the person is not sexually attracted towards other people.

It says absolutely nothing about an inability to experience sexual arousal and enjoy an active, satisfying sex life.

What it tells you, is that other people won’t be what will trigger the desire in them to have sex.

Let’s say you love ice cream!

Most of the time, you eat ice cream on your own, because you crave how good it tastes and enjoy eating ice cream for the ice cream itself.

It relaxes you, makes you feel good, and is very self-gratifying.

The sight of another person holding an ice cream cone, or even explicitly offering it to you, does not make you want to eat ice cream, however.  Your cravings for ice cream happen totally independently of how other people behave about ice cream, about you, and are not tied to the social aspect of enjoying ice cream with a partner.

You’re fine managing your ice cream eating habits on your own.

HOWEVER, sometimes, when you are with someone you strongly care about and trust, even if their presence changes nothing to your own impulses to desire eating ice cream, since eating ice cream *is* something you find personally pleasurable, you may find yourself wanting to share that pleasure with them.

You might even be open to spoon-feeding them the ice cream yourself.  Not because you are instinctively driven to eat ice cream in the company of another and share it, but because you do enjoy the whole aspect of togetherness, and the strengthening of social bonds that eating ice cream together brings you.

For sexually active asexuals, “sharing sex” with someone is often something that they will willingly engage in because they are very receptive to the feelings of intimacy and togetherness that engaging in sexual activity with someone they deeply care about - or might even be romantically engaged with - brings them.

It becomes something that is sought as a way to reinforce such social bonds, rather than an instinctive drive to have sex based on a desire that is triggered by a partner.

A human being can desire to bond with another person through something that leaves them as vulnerable and open as sexual intercourse, without perceiving the person they choose to have sex with as being sexually desirable themselves.

What will happen is that they will find ways to sexually arouse themselves through tactile stimulation, certain thoughts, and/or other ways – often rather unique to them – that they have experienced with, and they know can trigger a state of sexual arousal in themselves.

Once sexually aroused, they are free to enjoy the sexual activity in the company of someone that they care about.

In the context of a romantic relationship, there is also the aspect of empathy, of desiring to make someone they love feel good, and happy.

But the acceptance and understanding that an asexual does not sexually desire their romantic partner, and thus respecting their own limits and comfort zone in terms of how much sex they are willing and comfortable to share with a sexual partner, is absolutely crucial.

They do get something out of it, too (i.e. it’s not JUST about making the other feel better).  But the drive to “eat ice cream together” may be less than in someone that sees “ice cream” in someone else’s hands, and can barely contain their excitement and need to eat some.

Some asexuals do not ever feel comfortable having sex with other people, and that is perfectly ok, too.

But being asexual, in the context of a sexual orientation, doesn’t automatically mean being unable to sexually engage in sexual activity with others, being repulsed by it, and/or finding nothing rewarding in having sex with others.

It just means that other people are not something that orients their sexuality, and that they don’t trigger anything in them that makes them want to have sex with them.  At least, not without some secondary objective (ex: fostering a greater sense of emotional intimacy) in mind.

An asexual’s sexuality can be expressed regardless of the person.

If you can understand that, then you might understand how being pansexual feels.

As a pansexual, I experience sexual attraction to a person, but said attraction occurs regardless of that person’s gender.

I do not find women sexually desirable. I do not find men sexually desirable. I do not find non-binary gender identities sexually desirable.  I do not find agenders sexually desirable.

I can listen to a bisexual trying to explain to me what they find sexually exciting about girls, boys, agenders, etc. using terms to describe certain gendered traits.

Except I am unable to personally relate to any of the feelings they are describing.

Not because I am gender blind.

I do see your gender.

Just like I do see how tall you are, what your body type is, your hair color, your nose, etc.

And yet, people do not typically go around insisting on defining sexual orientation in terms of:

- Heterosexuality: being sexually attracted to people with different hair colors than yours.

- Homosexuality: being sexually attracted to people with the same hair color as you.

- Bisexuality: being sexually attracted to both people with different hair colors than your own (experiencing patterns of heterosexual attraction), and the same hair color as you (experiencing patterns of homosexual attraction).

- Pansexuality: Being sexually attracted to a person regardless of hair color, without experiencing any patterns of either heterosexual or homosexual attraction.

They do, however, keep insisting that another human being’s gender is one of the many traits they have - that may or may not outwardly be express - that should make you feel “something” about them.

Gender is supposed to be one of the key factors of sexual attraction that orients one’s sexuality.

But that is not always the case.  My body, my sexual impulses, instincts, or drive - no matter how you wish to call it - do not respond to gender.

And insisting that I should find anything about one being a woman, a man, or otherwise sexually attractive quickly becomes irritating.

If I were to live in a world where hair color was perceived as playing an important role in someone’s likeliness to find a person sexually attractive – and people were persecuted and discrimated against based on the hair colors they found themselves sexually attracted to – I wouldn’t feel it would be any different than the sexual orientation system we’re stuck in right now.

In terms of the genitalia that is traditionally associated with the gender assigned at birth, or even reassigned genitalia, I do not find anything remotely sexually interesting about vaginas and penises (and all their variations).

Yes, they are physically there, I can use them in the context of sexual intercourse, but they don’t offer anything more stimulating or interesting to me than what could be achieved with the use of fingers, a tongue, and/or especially toys (toys are notoriously difficult to beat in terms of functionality and versatility, actually).

Your genitalia is not about me, but about you.  I do not find your penis or your vagina sexually attractive.  They are body parts that look rather weird and funny to me (I’m including my own vagina in that assessment), and I don’t get what’s supposed to be sexually stimulating or interesting about having the opportunity to see or interact with that part of someone else’s body.

I’m not repulsed by your genitalia, but they don’t inspire me to have sex, either…

…UNTIL I’ve been having sex with the same partner for long enough that I manage to generate mental associations between your vagina or your penis with other aspects of yourself that do trigger some sexual desires in me.

My sexuality is expressed in a way that is highly empathetic.  So, as soon as I’m starting to truly bond with a partner and develop a long term connection with them, their own expression of sexual arousal will be an extremely strong trigger in terms of how sexually attractive they will look to me.

When I see my partner’s penis, it’s not the penis itself that I see.  The image that will instinctively and automatically pop into mind is the way his body lightly trembles under my touch, it’s the delicious little quiet moans and sighs escaping his lips, it’s the hungry looks he gives me, it’s the intimacy and the vulnerability behind each action, it’s the light sheen of sweat covering his skin, the rise and fall of the chest as his breath quickens, the pulse on his neck beating increasingly fast.

Every penis in the world looks to me like an oversized big toe, and they are totally irrelevant to my sexual interests, except for being “instruments” that I can play to make my partner experience heightened sensations, and bring them sexual satisfaction…  

And I can play with every instrument of origin and/or with every reassigned instrument… or none at all!  If you’d rather use toys that you control by yourself, and have me interact with the rest of your body during sexual intercourse, instead, it’s 100% fine by me.  I don’t need to get in direct contact with your genitalia to find sexual intercourse sexually satisfying, either.

As long as it remains something interactive we are sharing together, my pansexual arse will be perfectly fine!

But there comes a point where my partner’s penis no longer quite looks like “just a penis” to me - it looks like the whole experience of having sex with him.

And I’m sexually attracted to him.  I’m sexually attracted to elements of his personality, yes, but also to his body.

A bubble butt remains a bubble butt, regardless of the gender it belongs to.  And bubble butts are very sexually attractive.

You’ve got the bubble butt?  In my own personal list of personal features likely to make me perceive you as sexually attractive, bubble butts rate very high.

So, while my partner’s penis does not orient my sexuality, and I could have done with or without.  My sexual attraction towards other aspects of him (oh yeah, he’s got the bubble butt, alright!) allows me to embrace that part of his body as something “more” than “just a weird looking big toe that inflate and deflate”.

The way I feel about vaginas is pretty much the same. I don’t find them attractive or interesting, but since I’m interested in making my sexual partner feel good, too, over time I’ll learn to develop an appreciation for my own partner’s vagina.

Therefore, trying to argue that “biological sex” or genitalia should be perceived as “mattering more” or being “more relevant” in the context of describing how we experience sexual attraction towards a person than one’s hair color – and therefore, I should pay more attention to something that is traditionally being used to define gender upon birth than someone being a ginger – does not work with a pansexual that identifies as such, because they experience sexual attraction regardless of gender.

I’m not repulsed by your genitalia, I don’t desire it. What I need, what I want, is having someone close to me I can kiss, caress the curve of the small of their back, run my fingers through their hair, bite their shoulders, grab that bubble butt with both hands and feel those muscles offer some resistance against my fingers, etc.

A person’s overall body is what is perceived as being sexually attractive and will orient my sexuality.  Their genitalia, or even specific gendered traits associated with their body, not so much.

Which brings me to the infamous question pansexuals keep being asked over, and over again every time they try to tell someone that they are sexually attracted to a person regardless of gender.

“Oh, so who they are, their personality, matters to you more than what’s between their legs or how they look?”

*NOISE OF RECORD BEING SCRATCHED. *

Alright, hold on.  Are you telling me that if you remove “gender” from the equation, regarding what we can find attractive in another person, the only thing you’re left with becomes some utterly disembodied entity that is “all hearts and no parts”?

Are you telling me that gender is something so big, so powerful, that someone’s whole physical appearance become entirely swallowed by it?

Are you saying that gender has absolutely no bearings, or influence over one’s emotional, intellectual, spiritual, psychological traits?

If that is, indeed, what you are saying, how is it, then, that society keeps yapping about how men and women are supposed to think, what they are supposed to wear, what they are meant to like and dislike, what personality traits they are supposed to have and/or are more socially appropriate to express, and how their relationship dynamic is supposed to be build in terms of how male and females relate to each other?

Socially, I think we can agree that talks of gender tend to be quite prevalent, and generally, gender is an aspect being perceived as coloring every single aspect of a person…

And yet, if I’m telling you that I can be sexually attracted to a person regardless of their gender, are you really telling me that the only place where, suddenly, gender seems to be important, is in terms of what’s between the person’s leg, and how they physically LOOK?!

How does that work for you?

So, here is what appears to get really confusing for both the pansexual being asked the question, and the one asking it.

People that have a sexual orientation towards one, or even all genders, will tend to find aspects of someone being a woman, a man, non-binary, or even agender sexually attractive.

They may love all forms of possible genders expressions out there, and maybe even love them all equally and for the same overall reasons.  Their body may experience sexual attraction towards men, women, and non-binary genders equally.

But there’s something about one’s gender they still perceive as being relevant and “hot” and they will notice as being sexually desirable in relation to gender.

They can read about what’s great about dating women, men, and non-binary (assuming they are also romantically attracted to certain people), or having sex with them, and personally connect with those feelings.

They might find penises and vaginas to be sexually interesting and stimulating, and the direct contact with a sexual partner’s genitalia will be something they enjoy, cherish, and naturally seek as being a significant pleasurable part of their sexual intercourse.

Their sexual instincts, their sexual drive, etc. does respond to the gender of their sexual partner.

A pansexual that experiences sexual attraction to a person regardless of gender does not experience such a response.

And, for those of you that are sexually sensitive to other people’s gender, it can apparently seem rather inconceivable that you can be totally dispassionate about gender when it comes to being in a sexual relationship with a partner.

Whether we are talking about a quick “one-night stand” type of encounter, or in the context of a long-term romance, gender is utterly irrelevant, and not an aspect of the other person that triggers any feelings of sexual attraction for pansexuals.

It doesn’t orient our sexuality.  We have no sexual orientation and have never known what finding women, men, or other gender expressions sexually attractive feels like.

So, as we are saying “we experience sexual attraction to a person regardless of gender”, people that like one or many genders out there will naturally go for what feels familiar to them.

They try to understand how that can even be possible.

For many, especially those that feel strongly about having sex with specific gender(s), the key component associated with a person’s gender seems to be the genitalia and/or other physical traits that tend to be gendered in their eyes.

A woman will tend to have a body that is less muscular, a higher pitched voice, wear their hair longer more often, they have enlarged breasts and nipples, etc.

There is thus a natural association between “how someone looks” and “gender”.

To the pansexual, while they may “see” the elements of physical femininity and masculinity of a person’s body, their brain does not respond to those perceived “gendered traits” as something exciting or desirable.

It feels neutral, irrelevant, we do not understand why we are supposed to care about the difference between massaging a woman’s breast or a man’s chest within the context of sexual intercourse, or how it’s supposed to be really different.

Ok, yeah, there is a difference, but in terms of how my instincts prioritize that difference, it’s the same as gazing into a pair of green rather than blue eyes.

That difference is so trivial to me that it is not worth paying attention to it during sexual intercourse.

Gendered traits are not where I find my sexual inspiration.  The physical traits I do find sexually attractive tend to be perceived as being very gender neutral in the context of sexual attraction, even if most people consider them “gendered”.

Like your penis, your vagina, or any reassigned genitalia, I can learn to develop an appreciation for your masculinity, your femininity, your gender-fluidity, etc. as we go deeper into the sexual relationship and it has the opportunity to evolve.

I may not give a damn about gender sexually or even romantically, but I care about you.

I care about making you feel valued, seen, and wanted for everything you are.

I may not be sexually or even romantically attracted to every single aspect of yourself, but just like an asexual might still take the time to “share the sex” with their partner because they appreciate the feeling of intimacy and togetherness, because they want them to feel good, because finding the right balance between their own needs and their partner’s needs matter (always withing their own personal limits and comfort), and thus, they will find their own “payoff” in the pleasure in watching someone they care about enjoy themselves in such a way…

Well, I’ll gladly worship at the altar of your femininity, and make a conscious effort to develop an appreciation for the gendered aspect of who you are in the context of sexual intercourse, so I can help fulfil that particular aspect of your needs. Whereas, as I stated earlier, someone that has a sexual orientation will see a woman with luscious red hair, a gorgeous smile, an aura of authenticity, a resonant laughter, a soft, curvy body, freckles, a shy gaze yet a very firm and assured handshake, and their body will respond to said woman in a way that awakens some desire in them.  And, in response, they will want to date that woman and they will instinctively appreciate that she is a woman.

A pansexual will see a person with luscious red hair, a gorgeous smile, an aura of authenticity, a resonant laughter, a soft, curvy body, freckles, a woman gender, a shy gaze yet a very firm and assured handshake, and their body will respond to said person in a way that awakens some desire in them.  And, in response, they will want to date that person and they will instinctively appreciate who she is, but without necessarily putting any emphasis on the gendered aspects of her identity.

However, since we do see gender, we can develop an acquired appreciation for it.  It’s so far down the list of things we may consider in a partner that it does not orient our sexuality.

That appreciation will not be instinctive, but a taste we will learn to acquire and manifest for the benefit of our partner and the health of the whole relationship.

Gender may be but one of the many parts of your identity, and carry no more weight when it comes to choosing a partner than your hair color from my perspective, if that is a part of your identity you feel strongly about and tend to put at the forefront, I will thus make it one of my priorities within our relationship, too.

I can’t control how my sexual instincts respond to you.  I can’t “make myself” be sexually attracted to you being a woman.  But I can easily appreciate the aesthetic beauty of your womanhood, learn to appreciate all the aspect of being a woman that matter to you, and regularly reflect those aspects back to you in a positive, nurturing, appreciative manner.

And my compliments will be sincere, whether I find those aspects sexually arousing or not.

I experience my sexuality in a way that is one “person” away from being asexual.

So I really can’t blame those that do experience heterosexual (attracted to a gender not their own), homosexual (attracted to their own gender), or both heterosexual and homosexual patterns of sexual attraction to be confused as to what “regardless of gender” really means for some of us, and thus jump to conclusions.

“Oh, so who they are, their personality, matters to you more than what’s between their legs or how they look?”

That’s simply their way of expressing “I don’t get it.  Doesn’t everyone have a gender identity?  How can you sexually disregard gender in the way someone looks while still finding them sexually attractive?”

The mistake they are making, in asking this question, is disregarding all the other aspects of a person that plays a role in their own sexual orientation, too.

Why, as a straight woman, aren’t they trying to get into the pants of every person they perceive as being male or that identify as men?

Gender may be one of the key factors orienting their sexuality, but they also have preferences in nose shapes, height, weight, voices, accents, attitudes, etc. that will orient their sexual desires.

Our inability to feel anything attractive about a prospective partner’s gender, doesn’t remove our ability to experience attraction towards other aspects of their physicality that we find sexually attractive.

Truth is, I’m pretty sure the vast majority of straight, gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, among others, naturally prioritize personality and the overall “vibe” they get from a person over their physical looks and what’s between their legs.

But, just as someone who is gay may have no idea what being pansexual feels like…  A pansexual has no clue how being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual (in the sense of being attracted towards own gender and other genders) truly feels like.

We don’t relate to gender in the same way other people seem to.  At least, when I hear them talk about gender and describe how they feel about men, women, and others, that feeling doesn’t seem to match my own experience.

So, being continuously asked to define our sexual orientation in terms of gender attraction – when it has no bearings on our sexuality – at some point, might end up being perceived as some form of harassment and micro-aggression for us, especially when we are asked to “justify” how that can even be possible, and have people argue that because everyone has a gender, then we are all attracted to their gender by default.

(Yeah, everyone has a thumb by default, and no one is forcing me to define my sexual orientation by the fact that I’m sexually attracted to their thumb.)

So, imagine our relief when, suddenly, the focus is driven AWAY from people’s gender.

When we hear “Oh, so who they are, their personality, matters to you more than what’s between their legs or how they look?”, we are suddenly being offered the possibility of being sexually oriented towards a person based on something that is not defined by the one asking the question as “predominantly gendered”.

We very naïvely assume that, if the other person is asking the question, it is because heterosexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals feel that a person’s looks, and/or their genitalia, typically matter more to them in terms of how they experience sexual attraction, than the non-gendered aspects of their personality.

If you ask someone who is straight “Does someone’s personality, who they are at the core, matters more to you than what’s between their legs or how they look?”

They may very well answer “yes”, because they will only think about the current context of that question, and find truth in it.

If you ask me, as a pansexual, the same question, my first instinct is going to be to also answer “yes”.

However, if I take a moment to fully analyse that question, the record goes to a scratching halt!

Not every pansexual has the required amount of patience and personal insight to dissect everything that is sadly implied by such a loaded question, and will instead focus on the overwhelming relief of having finally found an “out” from a system that doesn’t fit them.

They will embrace that suggestion, think that this sets them apart from those who do respond to gender as part of their sexual orientation, integrate it as a key concept of their whole sexuality, and start proudly declaring that they are pansexual, because they are sexually attracted to “hearts, not parts!”

Doing so, they sadly attract the ire of straight, gays, lesbians, and bisexuals that FINALLY have their own moment of epiphany and go “Wait a minute?!  Are you saying that all that matters to us in a sexual partner is what’s between their legs?! Are you saying we are all physically-obsessed whores that only care about looks without giving a damn about personality?!  I may be bisexual, but if a man has an awful personality, there’s no way I’m going to be having sex with him!  Get off your high horse, you pompous, higher-than-thou pricks!”

Suddenly, they all seem to forget where the suggestion that we were caring more about “hearts” than “parts” came from in the first place, and then resent us for it!

Yes, it is absolutely wrong to define our sexual orientation in such a way!

“Hearts, not parts” has nothing to do with pansexuality.

But just like I won’t blame people with a gender-based sexual orientation to ask the wrong types of question based on their own confusion and inability to spontaneously relate to what being pansexual feels like; I won’t blame pansexuals for having made the mistake of appropriating that slogan to try to escape a system that suffocates them, without realizing that they’ve failed to clearly help them understand what pansexuality is like.

I will correct them, and try to make fellow pansexuals understand that, while “hearts, not parts” may reflect something they consider as being an important aspect of their own sexuality, it is not what sets them apart from people with a gender-based sexual orientation.

Pansexuals like parts just as much, or as little, as people identifying as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.  

How much importance we instinctively assign to the physical appearance of the person we are sexually attracted to does not say anything about how we respond (or, more accurately, fail to respond to) gender.

All we are saying is how physically vs mentally and/or emotionally we tend to be sexually orientated towards prospective sexual partners.  This is an aspect of one’s sexuality that can be applied to all, regardless of how they feel about gender.

Even in the context of demisexuality, parts usually do matter.  Experiencing secondary sexual attraction, only after a strong emotional bond has been formed with someone, won’t remove the aspect that the demisexual then needs to experience a sense of secondary sexual attraction towards the other person.

If a demisexual wanted to have sex with every single person they emotionally connected with first, they’d be unable to form any sincere, trusting, platonic friendships.

Not all demisexuals are interested in being in a romantic relationship, either.  They can be sexually attracted to a very close friend they would trust with everything they are, yet don’t experience any desire to develop a romance with or become sexually exclusive.

The nature of the strong emotional bond that occurs before secondary sexual attraction comes into play can greatly vary from one demisexual to the next.

In any case, prioritizing a person’s personality over looks in one’s relationship is something that can occur regardless of sexual orientation and even romantic inclinations.  It does not set pansexuality apart.

What sets us apart, is our inability to perceive gender as something of any significant influence in the way we experience sexual attraction towards another person.

A pansexual grows up in a world that uses a classification system to define sexual orientation that feels confusing to them.

They see people around them getting all excited about a boy or a girl in school, expressing what they feel is attractive about them being a boy or a girl (back when I was a teenager, the binary was extremely predominant, so at least that aspect is slowly changing) without feeling any inclination either way, or even understanding what parts of them being male or female is supposed to be sexually (and/or romantically) exciting.

They will learn to parrot what they hear from others, to use other people’s terms to describe their own sexual attraction. They are so convinced that everyone MUST have a sexual orientation that they will be actively (and sometimes, desperately) looking for it.

They may identify as straight given they found themselves sexually attracted to someone who was a girl, and thus deduce that must mean that they “like girls”.

But then, another person they feel sexually attracted to a year later happens to be a boy…  So, are they bisexual instead?

Except, they no longer feel anything significant about girls in general…  Does that mean they are gay?

Then, they meet another girl, and feel sexually attracted towards her – same they did with the first girl.

Were they really bisexuals, but have just “forgotten” about it?

Except now that they are attracted to that girl, they feel nothing remarkable about boys in general, either…

What the hell is going on?!

We find people sexually attractive typically on a case by case scenario.  We know, deep down, we aren’t opposed to having sex with people from any gender, but we don’t find members of that gender sexually attractive per say.

If we look at our history, we will find people from all gender identities that we may have been sexually attracted to at different points of our lives, but we never feel like their gender mattered more than the color of their eyes or that there was a sense of attraction that came from how we perceived or acknowledged their gender.

Except we are constantly told about how great and desirable women, men, and other genders are.  

But no matter how much efforts to make to “feel something” about people’s gender, we don’t get it.

With time, we tend to feel like an alien within society and sadly, even among the LGBTQ+ community.  We internalize the way we process our sexual orientation and our lack of gender orientation as meaning there is something wrong with us, that we are “missing parts” that should be there, because every definition we see regarding sexual orientation fails to clearly reflect our reality.

We either adapt by constantly changing labels to describe our sexual orientation, depending on the gender of whoever we are in a relationship with at the time.

We end up giving in, and calling ourselves “bisexuals”, although the “regardless of gender” aspect of bisexuality tends to be absent / underrepresented within that community, and we are still surrounded by people gushing about liking men, women, non-binary, etc.

Or, we often end up making the choice of abandoning the system, no longer caring about whatever label people ask us to identify as, and often refusing to offer any clear or definitive answer to questions we feel don’t apply to the way we experience our sexuality in the first place.

If it appears I’m never quite offering you a satisfying answer, or you can’t accept I don’t feel anything special about the gender of a prospective mate, what else am I supposed to tell you?

When I’m not taking the time to really get into all those nuances and details, I do say I find men, women, non-binary people sexually attractive regardless of their gender, because I am able acknowledge that someone is a man, a woman, or elsewhere on the gender spectrum.

Society talks about people in terms of “men”, “women”, “bigender”, etc.  So, it makes sense to use the same language.  

Except, by doing so, I’m always referring to the fact that I can be sexually attracted to people that happen to be of all gender identities; and not expressing that I’m sexually attracted to them with regards of the gender identity they have, or what I see about themselves that I perceive to be feminine, masculine or otherwise.  Be those traits physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc.

Yeah, I’m sexually attracted to men, women, non-binary and agender people in the context where we are using those words to describe their gender identity; but it has nothing to do with my own instinctive sexual response to their gender.

I’m sexually attracted to brunettes, blondes, gingers, and other hair colors as well in the context where we are using those words to describe their hair color, and not my own instinctive sexual response to their hair color.

Oddly enough, I experience my sexuality in a way that is “inclusive” of all genders out there…  but only because my sexual impulses are instinctively rejecting gender as an aspect that influences my sexual desires towards them, and making me likely to want to get into a sexual relationship with them. Bisexuals usually tend to be openly appreciative of all forms of gender expressions out there, and welcome them with open arms.

Pansexuals will just want to have sex with you regardless.

While saying this, however, I’m aware that there may be plenty of bisexuals that identify with what I’ve explained since the beginning, and to them, this is also what their bisexuality means.

Maybe they don’t feel irritated by the way people keep insisting that it doesn’t matter whether one identifies as “sexually attracted to all genders” or “sexually attracted regardless of gender”.

Perhaps they decided that they were fine with adopting a label that was “close enough”, so that others would be satisfied with the answer, and leave them be.

Or maybe they got lucky, and found other bisexuals that clearly explained to them that it was totally normal to feel like gender was totally irrelevant to how you experience sexual attraction towards another human being.

But some of us did experience a lot of doubt and confusion that ended up taking a certain toll on our self-esteem (at least, for a while).

Some of us do feel more strongly about truly being seen for who we are: people without a sexual orientation with regards to gender.

Some of us also feel a special kinship with the asexual community, whose asexuality will sadly often be mocked, invalidated, or heavily questioned as soon as they choose to engage in sexual activity with a romantic partner.

I’m fully open to recognizing that the bisexual label, historically, might have been designed with the idea of including people that experience sexual attraction towards another human being regardless of gender into it.

But how we define sexual orientation and human sexuality, and the vocabulary used to describe it, is bound to keep evolving over the next few years as people start recognizing and identifying with complexities that weren’t as easily recognized, expressed, and accepted before.

It took me about 30 years to discover that there were other people out there that didn’t have any sexual orientation towards other people’s genders, and could be sexually attracted to them regardless.

I sincerely would have benefited from having had access to other pansexuals; people that, perhaps, would have been able to put words on what I was experiencing, help me understand and sort out my feelings, and figure out why being asked which gender I found sexually attractive tended to fill me with confusion and a sense of disconnectedness from the people around me.

I would have appreciated to have people describe sexual attraction and orientation to me in broader terms that put little to no focus on gender, and helped me explore my personal preferences in a more gender-neutral way.

What I’m trying to explain to you, is that I don’t feel that there is anything more inclusive, noble, or great about identifying as being pansexual, especially not as opposed to bisexuality.

But what I am trying to convey, name, and identify, is a very specific need that I had, growing up as a queer child, that sadly I feel hasn’t been addressed and properly met by the LGBTQ+ and the bisexual community back then.

It wasn’t because there were any ill-intents from bisexuals that would talk to me about how they found men and women, for example, sexually attractive…

It wasn’t because people were trying to be unwelcoming or deny my own experience.

It was simply because I did not have the words, the maturity, and the level of personal insight back then to futher explain what I was feeling.

I could not tell you why listening to bisexuals describe the way they were sexually attracted to multiple gender identities was generating more distress than it was helping me understand myself.

I could not tell you why I felt like my “sexual interests” kept changing according to whoever I liked at the time I liked them.

I could not properly realize that sexual orientation went WAY beyond gender, and that you could find a bubble butt to be a sexually attractive feature on someone, without giving a damn about any perceived male or female characteristics of said bubble butt, or the gender identity of the person you were sexually attracted to.

What I’m trying to say, today, now that I’ve had time to put all of this into words, is that those of us that experience sexual attraction towards other people regardless of gender might greatly benefit from having their own space.

I don’t care about calling it “pansexuality”.  You can call me “non-gender-oriented-sexual” or whatever else you like (as long as it remains respectful).

What matters to me, is that the current and future generations of LGBTQ+ kids be given the opportunity to meet with other people without gender-based sexual orientation, connect with others that can validate and clearly name what they are going through, and receive some guidance from those of us that have grown fully comfortable embracing that aspect of our sexuality and defining our sexual orientation in an alternative manner.

I am talking about clearer visibility, and access to resources for people we are supposed to care for and help.

I do not care about being right or wrong.

I’m telling you that some “non-gender-oriented-sexual” people, that currently tend to identify as pansexual, feel highly uncomfortable using gender to describe their sexual orientation.

And thus, insisting to put them all in the same category where a subset of people that understand what experiencing heterosexual (sexual attraction towards a gender different than our own) and homosexual urges (sexual attraction towards the same gender) feels like we are reinforcing the notion that there is something abnormal or wrong with them, rather than making it easier for them to get access to the resources they need and receive guidance from people that (fail to) relate to people’s genders in the same (or very similar) way they do.

I’m not trying to say the bisexual manifesto has no value or was wrong, either, simply trying to point out that there are some aspects and implications, regarding the personal experience of people that are sexually attracted to others regardless of their gender, that might have been overlooked back then.

And that we likely have everything to gain, as a larger community, by taking a good second look at all of our current definitions, without fear of redefining ourselves in a way that better reflects today’s context and reality.

I’m asking for help, understanding, acceptance, and hopefully visibility for others like me, so they don’t have to suffer the same issues I suffered from when I was a kid.

I want to help open the dialogue with the pansexual, bisexual and asexual communities, to get their own input on this and see what could be done to help us better support each other.

I’m open to many alternatives and solutions, but from the current look of things, I think this is a discussion that really needs to be had.

[amphtaminedreams]

J.K Rowling & The Echo Chamber of TERFs: Why Nobody Wants your Transphobic “Opinion”

TW// Discussion of Sexual Assault and Transphobia

SO...

I’ve seen the term “allyship fatigue” going round a lot lately on Twitter, since the issues of police brutality, institutional racism, and now transphobia have taken central stage.

And it’s weird. To be honest, hearing other white cis people calling themselves “allies” has always sounded kinda self-congratulatory. Taking this to the level of martyrdom that the phrase “allyship fatigue” evokes makes me want to heave. It’s shit that anyone even has to be saying Black Lives STILL Matter, but it does seem to unfortunately be the case that every time there is a highly publicised murder of a black individual by police, the explosion of us white people calling ourselves allies and retweeting and reblogging statements of solidarity only lasts so long before half revert back to being complacent with and uncritical of a world seeped with casual racism. Is that what “allyship fatigue” is? The excuse for that? Not only does the term take the focus off of the marginalised group the movement is centred around but it makes supporting equal rights sound like some kind of heroic burden we’ve chosen to take on rather than addressing a debt we owe and being not even good but just plain decent human beings. WE are not the ones shouldering the weight here, and if your mental health is suffering, that is not the fault of the people asking for their rights. Log off. We have the privilege to do that. It just doesn’t need to be a spectacle.

At the same time, this public onslaught of ignorance and hatred that the coverage of the Black Lives Matter movement has triggered (that let me again emphasise, black people have had to involuntarily be on the receiving end of their whole lives) and the frustration and anger that comes from seeing these absolute trash takes from people with no research into the subject who build their argument purely on “what about”isms is do-I-even-want-to-bring-children-into-this-fucking-world levels of miserable. In terms of earth beginning to look more and more like the prequel describing the events which lead up to a dystopian novel, the chaos of the last 4 weeks or so (2020 has not only shattered the illusion of time but also danced on the shards, I know) is the tip of the iceberg. I saw a thread about what’s going on in Yemen at the moment, which I had no idea about, and immediately felt consumed by guilt that I didn’t know. With the advent of social media, there’s been this sudden evolutionary shift where we’re almost required and expected to know about, have an opinion on, and be empathetic with every humanitarian crisis at once. I think young people feel this especially, which is why I say that sometimes it’s worth talking to an older person before you brush them off as a racist or a homophobe and see if they’re open to hearing different opinions-in general, I think we’re a generation that is used to being expected to consume a huge amount of information at once. They are not. For a lot (NOT all) of the older, middle-class, white population, ignorance isn’t a conscious choice, it is the natural way of life. The parameters of empathy until very recently have only had to extend just past your closest circle of friends to encompass people you “relate to”. That doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of caring about other things, and sometimes we owe them a chance to change their perspective first, if for no reason other than to advance the cause of, well, basic human rights for all.

So where does J.K Rowling come into all this? I hear you ask. Why doesn’t she just stop rambling? You potentially wonder. Well, I’m getting to it. 

J.K Rowling isn’t an unconsciously ignorant people. She is what I would call consciously ignorant. And of all weeks to flaunt this ignorance, she chose a time when people are already drowning in a cesspit of hatred. The woman whose whole book series supposedly revolves around the battle between good and evil didn’t even try to drain the swamp. She instead added a bucket of her transphobic vitriol into it. 

Let me preface this by saying that I wouldn’t wipe my arse with the Sun. What they did with the statement she made regarding her previous abusive relationship, seeking out said abusive partner for an interview and putting it on the front page with the headline “I slapped J.K”, whilst expected from the bunch of cretinous bottom feeders who work there, is disgusting. That being said, the pattern of behaviour J.K Rowling has exhibited since she first became an online presence is equally disgusting, and just because the Sun have been their usual shithead selves, doesn’t mean we should forget the issue at hand, that issue being her ongoing transphobia and erasure of trans women from women’s rights.

As I’m sure is the case for many people on Tumblr, J.K Rowling has always been such a huge inspiration for me, and Harry Potter was my entire childhood. My obsession with it continued until I was at least 16 and is what got me through the very shit years of being a teenager, and that will forever be the case. I’m not here to discuss the whole separation of the art from the artist thing because whilst I ordinarily don’t think that’s really possible, at this point the “Harry Potter universe” has become much bigger than J.K herself. I was so pleased to see Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint all affirm their support for trans rights-I was raised on the films up until the 4th one which I wasn’t old enough to see at the cinema, and the DVD was at the top of my Christmas list. They were always my Harry, Hermione and Ron. It was only between the fourth and fifth films that I started to read the books to fill that gaping in-between-movies hole, but as I grew up, I read them over and over and over again. Any of the subtext that people are talking about now in light of her antisemitism and transphobia went completely over my head, though who knows, whilst I can sit here and write that I’m certain I didn’t, maybe I did pick up some unconscious biases along the way? The art/artist discussion is a complex one and I don’t know if I’ll ever read the books again at this point.

There was absolutely no subtext, however, in the “think piece” on J.K’s website addressing the response to her transphobic tweets. There wasn’t all that much to unpack in the first tirade, they were quite openly dismissive-first that womanhood is defined by whether or not one experiences menstruation (I currently don’t due to health issues but I’m betting this wouldn’t make me any less woman in her eyes), and second, regurgitating an article which furthers the fallacy that trans women simply existing erases the existence of cisgender lesbian women. Rowling’s initial response to the backlash was to blame it on a glass of red wine, I think? Which is such a weird go-to excuse for celebrities because not once have I ever got drunk and completely changed my belief system. If you’re not transphobic sober, you don’t suddenly become transphobic drunk. What you are saying is that you’re not usually publicly transphobic (which isn’t even the case with Rowling because this is hardly her first flirtation with bigotry via social media) but that whoopsies! You drank some wine and suddenly thought it was acceptable!

Now what is her excuse for the formal response she wrote to the backlash, dripping with transphobic dog whistles and straight up misinformation (UPDATE: and as of yesterday, blocking Stephen King quite literally for replying to her with the tweet “trans women are women”, in case you thought that this whole thing was a case of her intentions being misconstrued)? Drunk tweets are one thing but if she managed to write a whole fucking essay whilst pissed I imagine there’s a lot of university students out there who’d pay her good money to learn that skill.

Here is the bottom line. TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN. There is no discussion around that. And if you don’t understand why, at the very least, you can be respectful of the way a person chooses to identify, especially when that person is an already targeted minority.

Obviously, sex and gender are complex things. Based on the fact that we don’t walk around with our nether-regions out, we generally navigate our way through the world using our gender and the way we present our gender. Gender of course means many different things to many different people; some see it as a sliding scale kind of thing whereas some people can’t see themselves on the scale at all, and choose to use terms other than man or woman to express how they identify. But, whatever gender one chooses to identify as, we live in a modern world-with all the scientific advancements we’ve made and all that we now know about the brain, using what is between people’s legs to define them is an ignorant, outdated copout. You’ll find that a lot of transphobes can live in harmony with trans women who conform, who have classically feminine features, maybe facial feminisation surgery, trans women who keep quiet about how they’re seen by cis women and don’t kick up “too much of a fuss” (which is in itself still a perfectly valid, brave and understandable way to live your life after years of feeling like you don’t fit in btw). The trans women that Joanne and her friends take the most issue with is the ones who want to expand what womanhood means and stretch the boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable, destroying the confines of simplistic model that TERFs feel comfortable operating within. The ones who fight to be recognised as no “lesser” than cis women. Calling a person a TERF is quite literally just asserting that they are someone who wants to exclude trans women from their definition of womanhood, or in other words wants to cling to the old, obsolete model. If J.K Rowling cannot let the statement “trans women are women” go unchallenged (which we’ve seen from her response to Stephen King’s tweet she cannot), then she is by definition a TERF. It’s not a slur. It’s a descriptor indicating the movement she has chosen to associate herself with. Associating the descriptor of the position you so vehemently refuse to denounce in spite of all evidence and information offered to you with the concept of a “witch hunt” when trans women are ACTUALLY brutally murdered for an innate part of their identity is insulting, at the very least.

Let’s get this straight: despite transphobes trying to conflate sex with gender and arguing that sex is the only “real” identifier of the two, our existence on this planet and our perception of this world is a gendered experience. It is our brain, where the majority of researchers agree that gender lies, which decides and dictates not only who we are and how we feel but also how we interact with everyone around us. I don’t think it’s an outlandish statement to say that when it comes to who we are as people, that flesh machine protected by our skull is the key player.  PSA for transphobes everywhere: when people say penises have a mind of their own, they are NOT talking literally. The more you know. 

Gender is obviously a much newer concept than sex-it is both influenced by and interacts with every element of our lives. It’s also much more complex, in that there are still many gaps in our understanding. I assume these two factors combined with the familiarity of the (usually) binary model of biological sex are a part of why TERFS fundamentally reject the importance of gender in favour of the latter. Yes, most of the time, we feel our gender corresponds with our sex, but not always, and nor is there any concrete proof that this has to be the case. Most studies tend to agree that our brains start out as blank slates, that we grow into the gender we are assigned based on our bodies. In other words, our sex only defines our gender insofar as the historical assumption that they are the same thing, which in turn exposes us to certain cultural expectations. To any TERFs that have somehow ended up here-if you haven’t already, I suggest looking into the research of Gina Rippon, a neuroscientist whom has spent a large portion of her professional career analysing the data of sex differences in the brain. Whilst she originally set out to find some kind of consistent variance between the brains of the 2 prominent sexes to back up the idea that the brains of men and women are inherently different, she found nothing of significance-individual differences, yes, but no consistent similarities in the brains of one sex that were not present in the other. Once differences in brain size were accounted for, “well-known” sex differences in key structures disappeared-in terms of proportion, these structures take up the same amount of space in the brain regardless of sex. Her findings are best summed up by her response to the question: are there any significant differences in the brain based on sex alone? Her answer is no. To suggest otherwise is “neurofoolishness”. Not only does her research help put to bed the myth that our brains are sexed along with the rest of our bodies during development (this is now believed to happen separately, meaning the sex of our bodies and brains may not correspond), but also the idea propagated by the patriarchy for centuries that basically boils down to “boys will be boys”-a myth used to condone male sexual violence against women and even against each other on the basis that it is inherent and “can't be helped”. That they are just “built differently”. Maybe at one point in human evolution, men were conditioned to fight and women were conditioned to protect, but whilst the idea remains and continues to affect our societal structures (and thus said cultural expectations), we’ve moved on. I mean we evolved from fish for fuck’s sake but you don’t see us breathing underwater. 

Gender identity is based on many things and admittedly we don’t fully have the complete picture yet. The effects that socialisation and gender norms in particular, as much as we don’t want them to exist, have on our brain are huge; there’s evidence that they can leave epigenetic marks, or in other words cause structural changes in the brain which drive biological functions and features as diverse as memory, development and disease susceptibility. Socialisation alters the way our individual brains develop as we grow up, and as much as I’d love to see gender norms disappear, they’ll probably be around for a long time to come, as will their ramifications. The gap between explaining how socialisation affects the brain of cisgender individuals compared to the brains of transgender or non-binary individuals is not yet totally clear, but as with every supposed cause and effect psychology tries to uncover, there are outliers and individual differences. No, brains are not inherently male or female at birth but they are all different, and can be affected by socialisation differently. In one particularly groundbreaking study conducted by Dick Swaab of the Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience, postmortems of the brains of transgender women revealed that the structure of one of the areas in the brain most important to sexual behaviour more closely resembled the postmortem brains of cisgender women than those of cisgender men-it’s also important that these differences did not appear to be attributable to the influence of endogenous sex hormone fluctuations or hormone treatment in adulthood.

Maybe dysphoria is something that evolves organically and environmental factors don’t even come into it. Like I said, we don’t have the whole picture. What we DO know is that for some people, as soon as they become self-aware, that dysphoria is there, and the evidence for THAT, for there being common variations between the brains of cisgender individuals and transgender individuals, is overwhelming. You can be trapped in a body that does not correspond with how your brain functions, or how you wish to see yourself. Do individuals like J.K Rowling really believe it is ethical to reinforce the idea that we are defined by our sex and that our sex should decide the course of our lives, should decide how we are treated? That we should reduce people to genitals and chromosomes when our gender, the lens through which we see and interact with the world, could be completely different? Do they not see anything wrong with perpetuating the feelings of “otherness” and dysphoria in trans individuals that results from society’s refusal to see them as anything more than what body parts they have? In a collaboration between UCLA MA neuroscience student Jonathan Vanhoecke and Ivanka Savic at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, the statistics collected pointed to what trans activists have always been trying to get at-the areas of the brain responsible for our sense of our identity showed far more neural activity in the brains of trans individuals when they were looking at depictions of their body that had been changed to match their gender identity than when this wasn’t the case; when they saw themselves with a body that corresponded with their gender identity, when they were “valid” by society’s definition, they felt more themselves. When J.K Rowling tells trans people that their “real identity” is the sex they were born with, she is denying them this right to be themselves and due to her large platform, encouraging others to do the same. YOU are doing that, J.K. And who knows why? Where does your transphobia come from? Peel back the bullshit layers of waffle about feeling silenced and threatened, which you know you are directing at the wrong group of people, and admit it’s for less noble reasons. Taking the time to unlearn the instinct embedded into your generation to see people according to the cultural status quo of biological determinism is effort, I know-but you wrote a 700+ page book. I’m sure you can manage it. Or is it an ego thing? You don’t want to admit that you may have been uneducated on gender and sex in the past, and now have to stick by your reductive position so your image as an “intellectual” isn’t compromised. I don’t know. Only you do. But your position is irresponsible and dangerous either way. You can make up bullshit reasons as to why the link between trans individuals and the incidence of suicide attempts and completions isn’t relevant or representative of the struggle that trans people face due to the hatred that people like you propagate but it is there, and you J.K Rowling, someone who has spoken in the past about the horror of depression, should know better. You should know better than to CLAIM you know better than the experienced researchers who have found the same pattern time and time again-that the likelihood of trans individuals committing suicide is significantly higher than that of cis people. 

No, Rowling’s transphobia has never been as upfront as saying “I don’t believe transgender people exist” but she continues to imply that when she makes claims such as womanhood being defined by whether or not one experiences menstruation, and the completely subjective concept of whether an individual has faced sex-based violence from cisgender men. I’m sure she’d be out here taking chromosome proof cards like Oysters if it wasn’t for intersex individuals throwing her whole binary jam into a tailspin. Yep, there’s even suggestions that the binary biological model might not be so binary these days-just because two people have, say, XY chromosomes, does not mean that these chromosomes are genetically identical between individuals-the genes they carry can, and do, vary and so their actions and expressions of sex vary. 

Ideally, what TERFs want to do with their language of “real womanhood” is create an exclusive club that trans women are left out of when they too suffer under the same patriarchal society that those who are born female do. Yes, they might not experience ALL the issues a person born with female genitalia do, but no two women’s life experiences are the same anyway. Trans women also have their own horrible experiences with the patriarchy, and are often victims of a specific kind of gendered violence that is purported by the idea of “real womanhood”. Don’t throw trans sisters under the bus because you’re angry about your experience as a woman on this planet-direct your anger at the fucking bus. Don’t claim that “many trans people regret their decision to transition” when the statistics overwhelmingly show that this is the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of the truth (according to British charity organisation Mermaids, surgical regret is proportionately very low amongst gender affirmation outpatients and research suggesting otherwise has been broadly disproven) because you’ve spoken to a selective group of trans individuals probably handpicked by the TERFS you associate with to confirm their biases, and then have the nerve to claim that trans-activists live in echo chambers on top of that. Don’t use anecdotes and one-off incidences where “trans women” (I say trans women in quotation marks because we’re pretty much talking about a completely statistically insignificant group of perverted cis men who have, according to TERFs, somehow come to the conclusion that going through transition will make their already easy-to-get-away-with hobby of assaulting women even...easier to get away with?) have committed sexual crimes to demonise and paint as predatory group who are largely at risk and in 99.9% of situations, the ones being preyed on. It’s a point so disgusting that trans activists shouldn’t even have to respond to it, but the idea that an individual would go to the pains of legally changing their gender and potentially the hell of the harassment that trans people face, the multiple year long NHS waiting lists to see specialist doctors,  just so that they can gain access to women only spaces is ridiculous. It’s worth noting here just how sinister you repeatedly bringing up this phantom threat of cis men becoming trans women in order to assault women in “women only” spaces is. The implication here is that they should use the toilet corresponding to the sex they were born as, right? Because it’s all about safety? Well, statistically speaking, far more trans women are abused whilst having to use men’s toilets than when they use women’s ones and the same goes for trans men, and yet you don’t mention it once. Your suggestion also puts people born female who identify as women but maybe do not dress or present in a typically feminine way at risk of being ostracised when THEY need to use the women’s bathroom. The idea that by ceasing to uphold values like yours we are putting women at risk is quite simply, unsubstantiated; the legislation to allow individuals to use the bathroom corresponding to whichever gender they legally identify as has been around since 2010 in the UK and yet we’ve yet to see the sudden spike in the number of women being assaulted in bathrooms you imply will exist if we create looser rules around gender identity and let people use whichever toilet they feel the need to. Similarly, in a study of US school districts, Media Matters found that 17 around the country with protections for trans people, which collectively cover more than 600,000 students, had no problems with harassment in bathrooms or locker rooms after implementing their policies. If cis men want to assault women, they will. They don’t need to pretend to be trans to do so. Don’t pretend to be speaking as a concerned ally of LGBTQ+ individuals when you’re ignoring the thoughts of the majority of individuals who come under that category.

(Just Some of the Trans Women Murdered for Being Trans Over the Last Couple of Years, L-R: Serena Valzquez, Riah Milton, Bee Love Slater, Naomi Hersi, Layla Pelaez, and Dominique Fells)

Trans women are not the threat here. Bigots like you are the threat. HOW DARE you use your platform to reinforce this rhetoric that gets trans people killed when there are so many much MUCH more important things going on right now. Two black trans women had been murdered just for being black trans women in the week you wrote your essay defending those initial tweets. This is an ongoing issue. As a cis woman, my opinion should read as sacred texts to you right, Joanne? Because I’ll say with my whole chest that I feel far more threatened by bigots like you who do not care for the harmful impact of their words than I do by trans women. I do not feel threatened by trans women AT ALL. And yeah, to me, unless they tell me otherwise that they like to go out their way to affirm their trans-ness (which I completely respect-it takes a lot of courage to be proud about your past in a world that condemns you for it), they’re just WOMEN like any other. Yes their experience of “womanhood” may be different to mine but no two individuals experiences are the same anyway and our gender related suffering has the same cause. As a rich, white, cis woman, it’s wild that you are painting yourself as the victim in this debate when trans people can face life in prison and in some places a death sentence for openly identifying with a gender different to their sex in a lot of countries. Nobody is saying that you can’t talk about cis women. Nobody is saying you can’t talk about lesbian issues either, though it’s a bit of a piss-take that you like to throw that whole trans women erase lesbian existence argument out there as a kind of trump card to say “look, I can’t be a transphobe, I’m an LGBTQ+ ally!”, an argument akin to the racist’s age old “I can’t be racist, I have black friends!”. You know from the responses you get to your transphobia that majority of the LGBTQ+ community are very much adamant that trans women are “real women” and that the same goes for trans men being “real men”, so don’t claim to speak for them. You cannot simultaneously care about LGBTQ+ rights and deny trans people their right to live as who they are, however veiled your sentiments around that may be. The whole gay rights movement of the 60s and 70s exist partially BECAUSE of black trans women such as Martha P Johnson if you didn’t know, and though it’s kinda common knowledge I’m doubting that you do because very little of what you tout is backed up by any kind of research. The articles you retweet, echoing the views of lesbians who also happen to be TERFs do not count-the idea that trans people existing simultaneously erases the existence of lesbians only applies to individuals such as yourself who don’t see trans women as women in the first place. That is the problem! Most people don’t have an issue with the fact that you may have a preference for certain genitalia, but I would argue that ignoring exceptional circumstances related to trauma or some other complex issue, relationships are supposed to be with the person as a whole, not their “organic” penis or vagina and it’s kind of insulting to anyone in a same sex relationship to reduce their bond to that.

Back to my point though, of course there are issues that cis women and lesbians face that need talking about, but trans people are affected by the same patriarchal system. You don’t need to go out of your way to mention that they’re not included in whichever given specific issue when there are also cis women who may not have experienced some of the things TERFs reference. You especially don’t need to act as if trans women are the reason we need to have these discussions in the first place. As I’ve said, as MANY women have said, repeatedly-they are NOT the threat here. It is disgusting to see someone I once had so much admiration for constantly punch down at a group that is already marginalised.  It’s 2020, J.K, there’s so much info out there. YOU’RE A FULLY GROWN WOMAN. There’s no justification. We get it, you had a tomboy phase. You weren’t like “other girls”. You didn’t like living under a patriarchal system. So you think you understand the mindset of people who want to transition. You think you’re not doing anything wrong by helping to slow the advancement of trans rights because well, you turned out fine? But you clearly fundamentally misunderstand what being trans is. It’s not about your likes and dislikes and having issues with the experience of being a woman (god knows we all do but I doubt anyone truly thinks for one moment that being trans would be any easier), it’s about how you think and feel at your core. It’s such a complex issue, and all the majority of trans people are asking you to do is LISTEN to them. You may be determined to live in binaries, yet the bigger picture is always more complex and fluid and it’s ever-changing, so all we can do is keep an open mind and keep wanting to know more and gather more evidence. If you’re capable of the mental gymnastics required to retcon the piece of work you wrote in the 90s to make it seem as if you were “ahead of the diversity game”, to the extent that you are now claiming Voldermort’s snake has always actually been a Korean woman and see nothing wrong with that when paired with the fact that the only Asian character you originally included was called Cho Chang, then well…I’m sure you can put your ego aside and do the groundwork to understand what trans people are trying to tell you too. You inspired a lot of children and teenagers and even adults, and got them through some very difficult times, taught that the strength of one’s character matters far more than what anyone thinks of you. You claimed you wanted to stand up for the outcasts.

Well, stand up for the outcasts. Now’s a better time than any. And once again: TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN AND TRANS MEN ARE MEN. They shouldn’t have to hear anything else.

Lauren x

[DISCLAIMER: shitty collages are mine but the background is not, let me know if you are aware of the artist so I can credit!]

[ruminativerabbi]

Pandemic Purim

Purim was a slightly melancholic experience at Shelter Rock this year: first we cancelled the dancing, then we cancelled the party, then we cancelled the whole evening so as best to conform to the advice we were getting indirectly from the CDC in Atlanta, less indirectly from the Nassau County Board of Health, and not at all indirectly from physicians in the community who felt we would be putting people—and particularly our seniors—at risk by bringing them together in large numbers in a confined space. I suppose some must have felt we were over-reacting. But can you really over-react when we are talking about the health and welfare of a whole community and specifically of its oldest and youngest members? Better safe than sorry!

And yet, even so, the whole experience left me feeling a bit despondent, a bit blue—but not specifically because I was or am suffering over the decision itself. When I analyzed my thinking, in fact, I realized that my mood had more to do with the way the decision—and the whole coronavirus outbreak—had somehow managed to shift the way I think about Purim itself, moving me along from considering it basically to be about the great success of the Jews of Persia in standing together to defend themselves to focusing instead on just how vulnerable those people were in the first place, how completely they would surely have been annihilated if Queen Esther hadn’t found the courage to enter the king’s throne room uninvited, if she hadn’t found the words to stir the king to action on her people’s behalf, if she hadn’t been the paragon of virtue and bravery as which we more than reasonably remember her. It all worked out well, of course. But it also could not have…and that sense of vulnerability is what I noted coming to the fore in me and displacing the raucous delight our happiest holiday generally elicits in me easily.

And then I read Meir Soloveitchik’s essay published in the New York Times on Purim day itself. Rabbi Soloveitchik, the rabbi of the Spanish and Portuguese Synagogue      on Central Park West, is one of my favorite essayists. (He is also only the synagogue’s tenth rabbi since the American Revolution, which detail seems impossible to believe and yet is apparently true.) He writes in several different forums, all of which I try to keep up with, but this Op-Ed piece for the Times (click here) made a special impression on me both because it both confirmed my mood but also because it helped me understand about the whole concept of vulnerability that had somehow come to the fore in my thinking about the holiday.

Rabbi Soloveitchik’s basic point is that there is something slightly both slightly self-serving and seriously strange about celebrating the happy end of the Purim story without pausing to contemplate the political instability that is, after all, at the heart of the tale. He cites a comment made by his uncle, the late Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik’s in the latter’s book, Days of Deliverance: Essays on Purim and Chanukah, which I would like also to quote. “If,” the elder Rabbi Soloveitchik wrote, “a Prime Minister who just yesterday enjoyed the full confidence and trust of the king was suddenly convicted and executed,” he reflected, “then who is wise and clairvoyant enough to assure us that the same unreasonable, absurd, neurotic change of mood and mind will not repeat itself?” And, of course, the answer is that none of us is: King Achashveirosh is depicted in the Megillah as the most terrifying political figure of all: the idiot-king possessed of immense and unchallengeable power who is so pathetically eager to please the world that he basically agrees to whatever proposal is put to him no matter how malign or barbaric, and no matter how reliable or unreliable the person putting it to him might be.

The younger Rabbi Soloveitchik, the essayist whose work I so admire, then goes on to ask the obvious question: if his uncle’s observation is correct, which it certainly is, then why exactly is Purim celebrated as a holiday at all? It’s a good question. And his answer is also a good one. Queen Esther, he writes, embodied precisely the character traits— and foremost among them initiative, bravery, and insight—that made it possible for the Jews to survive both the terrifying imbecility of an Achashveirosh and the malign savagery of a Haman. And so we celebrate, not the specific incident that gave rise to the holiday, but rather the possibility of heroism that constitutes its greatest lesson. That last phrase “the possibility of heroism,” comes directly from the final paragraph in Rabbi Soloveitchik’s essay, where he writes that, for all Purim “marks the fragility of Jewish security,” it also represents the possibility of heroism in the face of that vulnerability. And then the essay concludes with the thought that Purim “is therefore a holiday for our time. Around the world, and especially in a Europe that should know better, anti-Semitism has made itself manifest once again. As Esther’s example is celebrated, and Jews gather in synagogue to study her terrifying tale, we are reminded why, in the face of hate, we remain vigilant — and why we continue to joyously celebrate all the same.”

In my weekly letters, I have returned again and again to the topic of heroism and the specific question of what constitutes a true hero. (Click here or here for some examples.) Esther certain qualifies: untrained in diplomacy or in strategic negotiation techniques, she somehow nonetheless found a way to identify her people’s foes’ Achilles’ heels—Haman’s preening megalomania and Achashveirosh’s pathetic need to please—and bravely to use them artfully and cleverly in the defense of her people. And so Purim really is a holiday for our time. We all feel ever more vulnerable in the world than ever as the number of anti-Semitic incidents at home and abroad multiplies, as anti-Semitic tropes creep into public discourse in a way that even a few years ago would have felt unimaginable, and as the world’s eagerness to placate Iran, Israel’s most vicious foe, feels more and more ominous with every passing week. The obvious question is how to respond forcefully effectively. And to that specific question, Purim offers a very good answer: with cunning, with forthrightness, with intelligence rooted in an honest understanding of our enemies’ motives, with selflessness and singlemindedness, and with courage and bravery. And so, because Queen Esther was the embodiment of all of the above, we celebrate her success…even though, at the same time, we take note of just how precarious the security the Jews of old Persia surely felt before Haman came to office truly was. And that vulnerability can serve us well…if we can get over our skittishness in its regard to allow it to guide us an understanding of how things actually are in the world.

Of course, all Americans are feeling vulnerable this week as the coronavirus spreads unchecked throughout thirty-eight of the fifty states and 117 of the world’s countries including every nation in Europe. But is that sense of vulnerability a problem or an asset? Or is it just the right emotion for us all to bring to the table as we prepare to elect a new (or not new) president in November? Indeed, perhaps we should be coming to the New York State primary on April 19 or the general election on November 3 possessed not of our usual American sense of invincibility but rather of a sense of the vulnerability we are all facing…and demanding that those who would be our leaders respond to how things actually are not with bluster, let alone with unfulfillable empty promises, but with the same combination of intelligence, bravery, and chutzpah that Esther brought to the table when she risked everything to prevent a catastrophe of immense proportions from befalling her people.

Since neither major party has actually nominated a candidate for the presidency, the challenge facing the American people is not prematurely to decide who to vote for, but rather thoughtfully to decide what qualities we wish to characterize those who would be our leaders. Starting from a deep sense of our vulnerability, our national and international interconnectedness to other people and peoples, and our deep and abiding sense of our personal responsibility for the welfare of others sounds like the right approach to me! Even if Queen Esther were somehow to come back to life and become a naturalized American citizen, she still would not be eligible to run for the office of President. So we’re going to have to go with someone who embodies her finest qualities, someone possessed of the courage and the cleverness, the altruism and the cunning to lead us out of this mess we find ourselves in. And who will that person be? That, of course, remains to be seen!

[demytasse]

[Izanamie] Eccentricities

    People have their own peculiarities. Little tidbits of interest that are hardly fantastic nor actively flaunted; unconscious ticks that flesh out a personality with candid delight.

As a connoisseur of human observation, Izaya found those unappreciated fidgets, twiddles, and gnaws to be a preferred form of body language. An acquired taste, if you will; much more satisfying to watch than when someone put on airs or drew their own caricature far less genuine. One was a performance, the other was a stalker’s joy.

When no one was watching, he was — when someone was locked in concentration, that was his indulgence.

    Of his frequented targets, Izaya hardly claimed favourites — at least he didn't speak of any as it was a lie he hardly felt it was necessary for others to know. A sin he’d set himself up for without foresight — what he brought into his life for another purpose, a secretary for his business, but wound up having a better purpose.

In short...

Namie was the pinnacle of human intrigue; a spectacle most enticing, his favourite of favourites.

Maybe it was an unconscious act of his own to sporadically focus on her work process rather than his own; made him an constant victim of her scold. Perhaps it was intentional, for the feisty response it spurred was always a gift and only enhanced the fact that she, herself, was tantalizing.

Of her own control Namie was stoic — left to the wiles of work duties her emotions slipped into something more relaxed, low key, yet just as vibrant to Izaya as the expressions of an attention seeker.

Sensual teething without a trace upon her pens, frequented phrases that whispered her introspection, certain smirks and shrugs she borrowed from her  employer whose role became a giant question mark on their relationship certificate.

Engrossed in a read she’d bless her computer monitor with an intimate lean, edge herself close to identify the words with more confidence, and added a scrunch to her nose that mocked a sneer. Any speak of it being cute summoned an endearing scowl — she wanted no association with the weakness, yet allowed it with silence.

There were moments her chin presented itself holy, lifted above the simpletons with a satisfied frown when menial tasks were completed with easy perfection. Namie served that snooty elitism with plated meals and reorganised chaos; that is when she turned away her smile found dignity in what she feigned otherwise.

Did Izaya share with her the world to which he looked in upon with such fascination? Did he verbally explain how naturally interesting she was without prompt, sans conscious effort?

    “Why, wouldn't it be a spoil of such a good spy?”

And Izaya knew he'd witnessed them all — memorised each charm of her own witchery; that cocky ownership he’d relinquish for a favourable surprise. Please, he’d beg the universe, bless him more flirtation of that fine specimen whose existence was a pleasure to his senses.

Which once upon a nondescript workday the call was unexpectedly met.

    Diligent as ever, a scientific study occurred in a nook laboratory — a gift that became Namie's favourite spot for befuddlement and Izaya’s favourite of bewilderment. Coattail in dust of her heels, her garb as bleached as it ever was, she positioned herself before the countertop; once again with that tilt in favour of her concentration, again with that wrinkled nose which pushed glasses to her eyes, all but an inch from a beaker. The same treats as always, just as calming to watch.

She occupied her hands with a clipboard and calligraphy; the flurry damaged page corners to define her document the least pristine thing she dared to own. Alongside the mess was her silky tangle of hair, a frustration that covered her view more often than her inclination to cut it.

The calming sensation was an obvious deterrent from her displeasure  — her hair tossed about with accentuated flicks, interspersed pets at the surface just out of focus. They were soft, her features, while she countered conundrums with that girlish play — curiously so, it was novel.

Izaya felt himself slip away from the world like the strands slipped through her fingers. All that surrounded him was a blur as her gravitational pull willed his feet; pressed him against her like a replacement shadow, his dark outfit a fair mock of what normally covered her back.

For her assistance he gathered all but a few stragglers of her hair into his left with a sweep of his right while he kept pace with a hum.

    “Izaya…”

    “Yes, I'm aware you're working, but would you let me work as well?”

Her tongue clicked at his intentionally cheesy line, but she loosened at first grace of fingertips upon her scalp.

With a slow comb Izaya twilled locks from her neck up to her crown. The artistic technique was one he’d perfected in his teens for his rambunctious sisters, in place of their mother, a brotherly duty to maintain their preferred styles. For all his faked fuss, it was an invaluable experience as he relaxed Namie’s mane with perfectionism that befitted their mutual expectancy.

She moved to the will of his dressing, the small gesture of trust straightened her posture to reciprocate his intimacy, but gave sufficient distance to let him finish the up-do with a leather lace he undid from his widespread collar. It was an impromptu solution for an accessory he didn't own, yet the precise wrap tied the ends into a well-crafted bow and left loops to fall alongside the graceful hang of her tail.

Over the curve of her shoulder she coyly expressed herself; contentment, appreciation, adoration — subtle across the width of her cheeks, her flush shined with borrowed reflection from her glasses.

    The beauty of a self-assured genius more than just kindled Izaya’s fancy, it shallowed his breath and hitched his smirk. Rather, it drove him hungry for the exposed skin below her ear, a patch that was rarely seen. Overhead light spilled across skin that Izaya only ever observed while tangled in bedsheets or separated by fogged-up glass and dazzled with water droplets. This was a different kind of sheen — without acquired perspiration, minus remnant shampoo. It was matte and flavoured with perfume, his keen taste buds’ addiction.

He bathed her neck with sensual play of his tongue and left her no choice but to grip her held glass; the surface creaked at her fingertips and threatened a chemical spill as Izaya mapped out the spread of her goosebumps. Further nips claimed her with an invisible mark, not a single blemish along her collar line, all to preserve her the masterpiece she hardly cared to regard herself.

Izaya could’ve yanked her collar away to further satisfy his desire, but in the moment all he needed was a taste of indulgence. Not long after, he set free the made-up tail and left Namie to continue her experiments.

    “Hopefully I didn’t work you up,” he chuckled while he hooked hair behind an ear.

She invited him to stay with a pat of his hand on her shoulder.

    “Don’t lie.”

Izaya obliged while he blanketed her with draped arms, celebrated her royalty with an occasional kiss at her crown.

An anomaly to her habits, Namie kept something exclusive to Izaya, a hidden smile and bright eyes that no one other than the two needed to witness.

As for Izaya it was her peculiar show of appreciation that he shared in reverse, yet in a way that was fairly normal for him — with a nonsensical proclamation...

     Even if he didn't love her, he still would’ve; eccentricities and all.

AN: Inspiration taken from @peppersnot mentioning Izaya being entranced by Namie wearing her hair up in a ponytail.

[albertineingomorrah]

part one of two, written early AM and too lazy to edit

I recently remembered that my mother sent me to a real therapist when I turned 18. This is touching, because the only other time my mental health was speculated at and attended to- was when I turned 15 and it became clear that I had been religiously throwing up my food after every meal. (I mean, are we even women if we haven’t endured a bout of bulimia? note* sarcasm) 

At the time, my mother thought it best to send me to a Counselor.  This level of health care would prove to be different from respectable therapy in several ways, aside from the deeply discounted (comparative) rates.  

According to my memory and without bothering to look up the specifics. The two most notable differences were as follows; the counselor whose office was run out of a church, and with whom my appointments befittingly always coincided with a local AA meeting- was able to demand that I pray with her at the beginning of every session.   

This was something I did not enjoy, and sought to thwart as I found it to be altogether a disregard for my- at the time- militant Atheism.

 ( On that topic, I have softened over the years- holding a small seed of fear that my actions will be held against me at the time of my death- I think it is more often fear, rather than feelings of perceived love which move us all to marinade in the idea of a god).

The second but related identifier was that she was also able to bring up biblical teachings; turning to the Bible often, to help guide her toward the epitomize ideal of wellness. 

I remember feeling conflicted about these visits, both pleased that my mother was taking notice of me, and frustration that this was her solution. 

In one most shudder worthy experience, I remember that both parents joined me for a session. This had come as an unexpected and somewhat unwelcome surprise. I had climbed into the passenger seat of my mothers car, only to be redirected to the back. 

On the drive over I was confronted with the reality of what this counselor was clearly hoping to accomplish with this little group outing and I remember feeling vaguely bad for her, knowing the madness that I was sure would unveil itself in front of this wildly unqualified woman. 

My mother and father sat on either side of me, and it gave a certain feeling of entrapment in the small office. I remember watching a Bluejay dive bombing a smaller bird out of the second floor window. 

The silence was broken by the sound of clearing throats. “So” the salt and pepper curls on her head bounced confidently, as she addressed us all with her most welcoming smile. “How about we start with a prayer?” She offered this idea like it was an obvious fist step. 

Resigned, I lowered my head. Hearing my father scoff, I felt mildly amused that he would be subjected to something that he felt uncomfortable with, and wondered if the joy at this discomfort could carry my through the next 45 minutes. 

After the essentials had been dealt with, the woman looked sweetly from my mother to my father. “Let’s get this show on the road” she said, looking so smugly certain of her abilities ( she probably didn’t actually say it in those exact terms, but I like the way I remember her being the type of person to use these pithy little one-liners. 

Things started off moderately well, my parents doing most of the talking. My father and his proverbial ax to grind, lamenting his own childhood abuses. These were not new to me, and at fifteen I had already relived these childhood traumas with my father on multiple occasions. Though this was the first time he had recounted them In a sober fashion. It wasn’t until the conversation turned to the relationship that my father had with me, that things went south. “ So, how close are you with your own daughter?” the wannabe therapist prodded, a well timed question after a vehement admission that he had always felt estranged from his father. 

For the first time he looked at my mother, then turning back he said 

” That is because of a dream my daughter had when she was a child”  both my mother and I looked at one another and there was an odd look of horror that registered on my mother's face. 

As if to say, “ oh god, surely he wouldn’t bring that up”, but I was curious, and I turned to face him more fully. “ Clearly having an audience was fanning the flames of drama within him, looking away from us all once more- he continued. “ my daughter began having dreams that I was molesting her when she was four and she told my wife. My stomach dropped as In the dark reassess of my mind I fathomed a memory that fit his story. I did recall having nightmares like that. I remember telling my mother a dream about my father, but I had also thought it was reasonable that as a child I’d had nightmares about him- as I was terribly frightened of him as a little girl.

Going as far as to hide in the closet when he stayed home to watch me. I’m assuming that my toddler instincts had encompassed his drunken behavior toward my mother and processed him as a threat. I remembered him finding reasons to hit me. Like the time he came to pick me up from my mothers-mother. (Who spoiled me deliciously.) She was often tasked with watching me, while my parents worked. She was my favorite person in the world.  

I recall feeling as if I was being ripped from the only safe place I had ever known, every time I was picked up from her house. I also remember sitting next to her hospice bed at the age of 6, in that very same house. Unable to take my eyes off her hollow, sickly face- such a deep contrast from the rounded, pink cheeks she always utilized to smile at me, she had died young, not even 60. 

I remember balling my little fists into her blankets listening to the adults trying to divide up the assets of her house before her body was even cold. Finally unable to listen any longer I slipped away and wandered to the kitchen, where her favorite rooster shaped salt and pepper shakers sat unused, on the kitchen table. I quickly pilfered them. Hiding one in each large pockets of my pre-owned raincoat sitting by the front door. 

Anyway, once my father had called me down from the neighbors play set, the neighbor across the street from my grandmother, the young mother would let me join her children on the ever coveted set of swings and slide. 

Positioned in the tower, I felt the windfall of air exit my chest as I heard his voice, immediately and without thinking, my legs disappeared from the slide they had been about to descend. 

Pulling my knees up close I shut my eyes, childishly believing I could just live there. When I got hungry or tired my grandmother would let me come home to her. The fever dream swept me up, and in the moment I was lost In the fantasy of living with my grandmother full-time.  “Get your ass down here” his voice was filled with venom and I scrambled down the slide. Running over, hoping I would have acted quickly enough to avoid serious trouble. As we walked to his blue- Ford truck, he gave nothing away and I settled In to the passenger seat, feeling the sadness that I normally felt upon leaving my favorite place. 

He had not let me say goodbye. I looked over just in time to see his hand collide with what should have been the back of my head, but ended up being my cheek/forehead. He swore loudly and began to shout. 

When he calmed down he informed me that I would be punished later that evening for my disobedience and sent me to bed without dinner. As I lay in bed- knowing he would come to my bedroom and knowing it was going to be painful, I would conjure up the fantasy of living with my grandmother. He would always make a game out of loudly stomping up the stairs to my room- but only halfway, so I would begin to tremble, and cry. Then he would go back down the stairs. He could do that a dozen times on a bad night, working me up to a hysterical frenzy of fear and tears. 

Then he would burst through the door, pull me out of bed, hitting me hard enough to leave bruises. He never used a belt or a spoon as my mother did, and also unlike my mother he would always remove my pants.  

I ruminated on all of this as the room rang silent after his somewhat shocking statement. 

“So, your daughter was having night terrors and your wife took her dreams seriously, which put a divide between her and yourself?” the woman tried to supply. Attempting to keep this conversation going. I looked over at my mother whose head was hung and hand clasped tightly in her lap. Not looking up.  

“Yes, that’s it.” He assented. 

Looking vindicated that someone finally understood.

[swissmissing]

Fan Fic Ask Meme (self ask edition)

  I saw this going around and I figured no one is going to actually respond and send me any of these asks because I have like maybe 2 followers who ever interact with me, but I felt like doing it so I’ll just ask myself all of them. :)

A: How did you come up with the title to "The Best Picture of the Human Soul”?

I wanted an artsy-intellectual title because I felt like it’s a kind of pretentious little story that takes itselt too seriously. It’s about images and soulmates, so I googled picture, soul, and quote, and that’s one of the hits that came up. So it is actually a quote by the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein: “The human body is the best picture of the human soul.”

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

Probably all of them. But the one where I consciously put in something from a real-life experience was in “A Capacity for Love” (HP fandom fic). I don’t want to go into detail, but there are characters in the story whose experiences and actions were based on things I had knowledge of in real life.

C: What member do you identify with most?

I am guessing this means which character I identify with most, from the stories I’ve written? Hermione Granger, definitely. From the Sherlock fandom, probably Molly. But I don’t find her an interesting character to write about.

D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?

No, I am not into music in that way.

E: If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it be about?

The most obvious one of my fics to get a sequel would be “The Way to a Man’s Heart” which would naturally be about Sherlock and John’s wedding.

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Nothing specifically comes to mind and I’ve written too many stories to go back through them all and find anything. I think I’m pretty good at dialogue in general and enjoy writing it more than the prose in between. When I write dialogue, I really try to hear the characters/actors saying the words, with inflection and volume changes and speech patterns all of that. I think that makes it work well and feel real, rather than just me putting my own thoughts into the characters’ mouths.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

Mostly from start to finish, but I usually have one or two key scenes that I may jump ahead and write because I want to capture them in the moment. But the problem is, I will always end up having to rewrite them anyway because there are details that come up as I write that I hadn’t anticipated, that will need to be worked in.

H: How would you describe your style?

I have no idea. Probably too wordy.

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

For reading, really raunchy PWP. And I suppose for writing as well. I do feel some residual puritanical guilt when I write a PWP.

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic].

I’ve seen other authors say they don’t want to answer this because they don’t think it’s fair or something, which I don’t understand. Why not? Anyway, an alternate ending for “Revenge Averted”, which is itself an alternate ending of VizardMask’s fic “Best Served Hot”, would be that Sherlock and John come up with a plan to neutralize the threat from Mary without John having to go back to her.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

Sticking to the ones I’ve actually written, probably “A Capacity for Love”, which shows the aftermath of Snape raping Hermione from both of their perspectives. Usually we only see things from the victim’s perspective in those kinds of stories, but I wanted to get into Snape’s head as well. In the Sherlock fandom, I guess “More Earth Than Fire”, which deals with the death of John and Mary’s baby.

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

It’s constant. I never just write a whole first draft, then go back and revise. I re-read and revise every single sentence constantly. Like even writing this entry, I have already gone back through all of my previous responses a couple of times, re-reading and adjusting things. I’ll write a few sentences, then re-read everything from the beginning. Then write a couple more. It makes for extremely slow progress but it’s how my brain works. I can’t leave something untended.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

I have a couple of things that I’ve started that I’ll probably never finish. The one that’s furthest along is a Sherlock/Whisky Tango Foxtrot crossover. I also have an ACD werewolf fic that I started years ago for some Halloween exchange that’s pretty far along. I have probably around 10 other stories as well, in stages from vaguely sketched out to fully outlined to having a couple of scenes written.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

All of my WIP’s! Probably especially the WTF crossover. I really want to read that one. ;)

O: How do you begin a story–with the plot, or the characters?

I mean, if it’s a fic, then the characters obviously. They are already a given. I’m going to write about Sherlock and John (or whoever my current muse pairing is). I have some original story ideas too, and there it’s the plot that comes first. I have a harder time coming up with original characters, so it’s unlikely I’ll ever write one of those stories.

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

I like to plot out the entire story before I start writing so that I’m sure I won’t get stuck anywhere. Of course then as I write, things happen that necessitate adjustments to the outline. But yeah, mainly architect because my biggest fear when writing is getting stuck.

Q: How do you feel about collaborations?

I have seen some really brilliant products come out of collaborative writing projects, so clearly some people work really well that way. However, I don’t think I could ever be part of a collaboration, other than as a beta reader.

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Every time I read a text, it influences me. I don’t have anyone whose style I consciously attempt to emulate, or who I aspire to be like, though.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

For reading? All the favs: Fake relationship, only one bed, roommates.

For writing, I have a soft spot for being in a relationship already without realizing it.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

When I see Coffee Shop AU or Teen AU in the tags of a fic, it turns me off. Although I’ve read quite a few really good ones in those categories, so it’s not like they’re an automatic nope. Just, they make me wary.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

There are too many to name and I don’t want anyone to feel left out. But basically, there are certain authors who I know will always deliver top-quality writing and a highly satisfactory reading experience, regardless of subject matter, fandom, genre, or pairing.

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Too hard to choose a specific one. Basically anything by any of those authors referenced in the previous question!

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?

I have a hard time writing to prompts given by other people. So I guess I prefer general ones that I can take in my own direction rather than a tailor-made commission.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

Sherlock and John both do it so beautifully. :)

Y: A character you want to protect.

Children, I guess. I have a hard time seeing a child character be hurt.

Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate?

I am okay with it if it is a natural death, such as occurs in retirement fic. I don’t see the point of it in other situations. The whole point of reading fan fiction for me is to have a happier conclusion than in the original.

Anyone who wants to do the thing, feel free to copy and share your own answers! And of course, if anyone wants to ask me one of these about another fic than the ones I chose, please do. :)

[aro-aceplace]

Sence we’re getting so many asks about the names for various orientations I thought I would post an updated version of our aspec orientation dictionary. This dictionary also exists here on our blog and is frequently updated, but something screwy is going on with the bolding on that page right now so it might be hard to read. There’s also a copy of it here in the Quicksand font because I find that that’s easier for folks with dyslexia and other LD’s to read then Arial is.

Note: this is not a complete list. A-spec terminology is constantly growing and changing and it’s hard to keep track of every single term, so if I missed an orientation please let me know, I’ll be happy to add it! 

-mod Yarrow

Abrosexual/Abroromantic: Having an orientation or feelings about it that constantly change and cannot be pinned down for this reason.

Aceflux/ Aroflux: When someone’s sexual/ romantic orientation fluctuates but always stays on the aro/ace spectrum.

Acespike/ Arospike:  When someone usually doesn’t feel sexual/romantic attraction but occasionally rapidly skyrockets into intense attraction, then plummeting down to asexuality/aromanticism again.

Acoromantic/Acosexual: Asexual/Aromantic(spec) because of negative past experiences. (similar to Caedromantic/Caedsexual)

Adfecturomantic/Affecturomantic/Adfectual/Adfomantic: Is someone whose romantic attraction is affected by their neurodivergency.

Aegosexual/Aegoromantic: Feeling attraction and desire only for situations that do not involve one’s self.

Aliquasexual/ Aliquaromantic: Not normally feeling attraction, but feeling it on occasion under specific circumstances.

Amicussexual/Amicusromantic: When you are only attracted to people you’re also platonically attracted to.

Antisexual/Antiromantic: Would rather not develop platonic/romantic/sexual feelings for people, but does anyway.

Apressexual/ Apresromantic: Only feeling attraction after another form of attraction is felt.

Aromantic/ Asexual: When someone doesn’t feel sexual/ romantic attraction to anyone

Arovague/ Acevague: Aromanticism or asexuality that is heavily influenced by neurodiversity (also known as Adfecturomantic / Adfectusexual)

Apresromantic/ Apresexual: An orientation where romantic/sexual attraction is felt only after another type of attraction is formed.

Apothisexual/ Apothiromatic:  A specific term for when someone on the asexual/ aromantic spectrum is sex repulsed or romance repulsed. (Also known as ARCsexual/ ARCromantic)

Autochrissexual/ Autochrisromantic: When someone feels sexual arousal/ romantic attraction for something, but from a distance, as if they were someone else, and have no desire to do that thing themselves (Also known as Aegosexual/ Aegoromantic or Autochorrisromantic / Autochorrissexual).

Bellusromantic:  When someone is fine with cute fluffy stuff with anyone but doesn’t want a relationship at all.

Burstsexual/ Burstromantic: An orientation where a type of attraction will occur in a sudden burst, then vanish or fade away.

Borearomantic/ Boreasexual:  an orientation that seems to revolve around one person in particular. (can also be defined as an exception to one’s orientation, ie, someone who identifies as homosexual/homoromantic feeling attraction to someone of a different gender)

Caedromantic/ Caedsexual: The feeling that romantic or sexual attraction was taken away due to past trauma -for PTSD and trauma survivors

Cassexual/ Cassromantic: Feeling utterly indifferent to attraction, believing it isn’t important.

Ceasesexual/ Ceaseromantic: Usually being allosexual/romantic, but occasionally having a complete loss of attraction for a period of time before feeling it again.

Cupiosexual/ Cupioromantic: When someone does not experience sexual/ romantic attraction, but still desires a sexual/ romantic relationship. (Also known as kalossexual/  kalosromantic and Icularomantic/ Icularsexual)

Demisexual/ Demiromantic:  When someone is only sexually/ romantically attracted to people they already have a strong emotional connection with.

Dreadsexual/ Dreadromantic: An orientation that fluctuates from feeling no attraction to feeling attraction. When attraction is felt, it is accompanied by a strong feeling of dread or anxiety.

Duosexual/ Duoromantic: Having two or more well-defined orientations that you switch between (e.g. cupiosexual and fraysexual).

Durasexual/Duraromantic: Rarely experiencing attraction, but when it happens it lasts for a long time.

Fictosexual/ Fictoromantic: When someone only feels sexually/romantically attracted to fictional characters.

Freysexual/ Freyromantic:  When Someone is sexually/ romantically attracted to those they are less familiar with but after a while, the “excitement” of meeting the new person dies down and you are perfectly content on just being friends.

Greysexual/ Greyromantic: When someone only feels sexual/ romantic attraction rarely. This term can also be a general term for identifying as somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum.

Lamvanosexual/ Iamvanoromantic: Feeling uncomfortable doing sexual/romantic things to someone, but being willing to receive sexual and romantic acts.

Lithsexual/Lithromantic : When someone feels sexual/ romantic attraction towards others and also enjoys romantic/ sexual relationships in theory, but does not need that affection to be reciprocated. An Akoinsexual/ Akoinromantic person may also experience sexual attraction until those feelings are reciprocated. (Also known as Akoinsexual/ Akoinromantic)

Idemromantic: When someone Categorizes relationships and feelings as platonic or romantic but experiences no notable internal differences

Inactoromantic: When someone experiences romantic attraction and wants a romantic relationship but doesn’t like romantic actions. (Also known as initiaromantic.)

Limnosexual/ Limnoromantic: Attraction only piqued by depictions of acts of attraction (eg drawings or writing), not the acts themselves in real life (similar to fictosexual/ fictoromantic).

Malasexual/Malaromantic: When someone only experiences attraction during maladaptive daydreams

Metaromantic: Only experiencing attraction that is unable to be defined by strict terms of platonic or romantic.

Nebula-romantic/ Nebula-sexual: Difficulty distinguishing romantic/sexual and platonic attraction due to neurodiversity

Novisexual/Noviromantic: Feeling complicated attraction or lack thereof in such a way that it is difficult or impossible to fit into one word or term.

Omniaromantic: Is someone who feels no romantic attraction whatsoever. In no way, shape, or form do they fall in love or feel any attraction to anyone. They are asensual, have no aesthetic attraction to others, and no squishes. They can experience platonic love or familial love, though not all do so. This term was made to make a distinction between being on the aromantic spectrum and specify from the common definition of aromantic person, since saying someone is “aromantic” could mean they could be demiromantic, gray-aromantic, and such other types of aromantics who do feel sensual, have aesthetic attraction and such.

Placiosexual/ Placioromantic: When someone feels  little to no desire to receive sexual/romantic acts but expresses interest/desire in performing them on someone else.

Platonisexual/ Platoniromantic: When someone feels no difference between platonic and romantic attraction.

Polarsexual/ Polarromantic: Switching between being either extremely attracted and not at all attracted.

Post rubor: Is someone who quickly gets crushes/squishes/etc on others, but after the initial excitement of said crush/etc vanishes so do their feelings.

Presexual/ Preromantic: A placeholder term for when someone feels that they have not experienced attraction enough to know their orientation yet.

Propeestsexual/ Propeestromantic: An aro/ace spec identity which feels like a mix of many (any more than two a-spec identities) that all are a part of your identity

Quoisexual/ Quoiromantic: Is when someone experiences sexual attraction in a way that is not typical of allosexuals individuals, but doesn’t knowing where they fit on the asexual spectrum; or not identifying with any of the existing labels./ Feeling as if the concept of romance or sexual attraction, etc. is inapplicable or nonsensical to one’s self.(Also known as wtfsexual)

Recipsexual/ Recipromantic: When someone feels sexual/ romantic attraction only after realizing someone is sexually/ romantically attracted to them.     

Requeissexual/Requeromantic: When someone feels limited or no sexual/romantic  attraction/interest/activity due to some form of emotional exhaustion or trauma.

Schromantic: Is someone who is aromantic and romantic at the same time, or some mix of the two. Frequently described in terms of Schrödinger’s cat as having the possibility of being romantic and aromantic at the same time

Singulusexual/ Singuluromantic: Only experiencing one type of attraction towards people (i.e. if you experience sexual attraction towards a person, you won’t feel romantic/alterous/platonic attraction towards them).

Thymsexual/ Thymromantic: Feeling attraction which varies depending on emotional state.

[historicallyace]

What Do You Mean, It’s Been Over A Decade Of This Shit: my history as an aroace

So this piece is something a little different for this blog: rather than a sourced, detailed, fairly-academic-except-for-the-swearing article, this is my own, personal history as an aroace person (but don’t worry, I’ve kept the swearing). My hope is that this will both give you all some context for the stuff I write and the personal opinions I include, and potentially also serve as an example of what it looks like, for me, to be an aroace adult.

This is my entry for the July 2018 Carnival of Aces. Here’s a link that will take you to the explanation post by the host of this month’s carnival. When the carnival wraps up, I’ll post a link to the roundup of responses. I’ll also be adding that link to this post under the Read More, so watch that space.

Running The Numbers

Seems like a good place to start, right? I like numbers.

I first encountered the concept of asexuality at the tail end of 2010 when one of my favorite webcomic artists at the time first posted about demisexuality. I stuck my toes into the waters of coming out by first publicly identifying as grey-asexual in 2012, though I think I first stuck that information on my blog without posting about it in late 2011.

I knew a long time before that, however, that there was something about me that was different. I think that the first time I admitted to myself that I was probably Not Straight was in middle school - so, circa 2002. I was in high school, probably around 2005 when I started identifying as bisexual, operating under the theory that I found the girls around me to be about as aesthetically pleasing as the boys, so that had to mean I was attracted to both genders. (Yes, I know this is a Bad definition of bisexuality. Yes, I have learned better since then. But also yes, I was an incredibly unaware teenager.) I was a freshman in college in 2007 when I learned about pansexuality, and decided that that must be what I was, because I didn’t really care about the genders of the people I hypothetically dated.

This is all without going into my complicated history of “what the fuck is a gender”. That’s fuel for a different post.

So in short, I have been identifying as some variety of queer for more than half my life (and don’t even start: by any metric you care to put forth, I’ve earned my place here and my right to identify however I damned well please). In that time, I have Seen Some Shit, kids.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

I've talked about this before, on other posts, most notably the “could you all maybe stop with your vilifying of innocent language” allosexual post. But I see, functionally, no change between the climate I came out into six years ago and the current climate on Tumblr.

Which is to say this:

Far and away, the vast, vast majority of people I have met, interacted with, or seen in passing on Tumblr are lovely, supportive, willing to listen and take my experiences at face value, and generally decent human beings.

A vocal minority of people are the personification of the feeling of stepping on a Lego. They are acutely invested in the idea that my experiences are not queer enough to count - in fact, they’re so invested that they frequently don’t even care what those experiences are, and they’ll go to great lengths to invalidate absolutely everything regardless.

The problem is that this vocal minority, because of how loud they are and how invested they are in their arguments and their vitriol, are enough to actively impede progress. Because there can be no progress without the ability to massively fuck things up occasionally. Like, lets just cite one example: the concept of (allo)sexual privilege. It’s a concept that was being discussed and debated when I started learning about asexuality. By the time I came across the conversation, it was a pretty widely held opinion among people whose opinions I came to respect that it was a pretty shitty concept, that a privilege/disprivilege model really didn’t fit the allosexual/asexual dynamic, and that we could and should be talking about negative things that asexual people experience because of our asexuality without implying that being allosexual was a privileged identity, since the real position of privilege was (heteroromantic) heterosexuality.

Just to be blatantly clear: this means that we put that issue pretty much to bed somewhere around seven years ago.

And yet, you will still see people arguing today, in the year 2018, that aces are trying to say that we’re more oppressed than other sexualities and therefore that other orientations have more privilege than we do.

It’s frustrating. I spend a lot of time wondering where we might be as a community if we didn’t have to spend so much time reacting to nonsense in order to feel safe, if we could collectively give ourselves permission to grow and change and make mistakes and learn from them.

I think that the current climate on Tumblr is preventing the kind of growth that I saw back when I came out. We keep feeling that we have to react to these people, and it’s keeping us stuck in one place.

But We Can Keep Growing

(Or, alternately, this section could have been titled “I’m ending this post on a positive note because fuck it I want to have nice things”.)

Here’s the thing.

Yeah, I’ve seen some shit. And it hurts, particularly because I know, intellectually, that there are spaces that are free of this shit, but this is the space I have access to, and I just have to keep putting in the work to try to clean it up.

But I’ve seen some really good things in the past six years too, and I can’t end this post on a sour note. I refuse. I am cleaning out the cobwebs and the dust bunnies and the fucking Legos and building a better house for us all here, goddammit. I refuse to give up on what could be a beautiful thing, because the bones of this house are strong, and the foundation is deep, and we have been living in it all along.

So let’s talk about how mainstream LGBT+ orgs are getting better all the time at talking about asexual issues and providing the kind of support that aces need, and how much of that is because we’re putting in the work to say “this is what we need from you.”

Let’s talk about representation, and the visceral feeling of relief even when you don’t consume that particular piece of media when you discover that someone is talking about people like you.

Let’s talk about how an entire generation of ace people is learning how to stand up and say ‘no, you’re wrong and you can’t do this any more’ to bullies.

Let’s talk about solidarity, about aces seeing the arguments that have been used against us are just reflections and reworkings of those that hurt our siblings in other identities, and learning to stand together because that is how we’re strongest.

Let’s talk about finding family, finding community, and holding on to those things with all your might, and not letting go just because someone else said to.

Let’s all resolve, here and now, to stop having the same fight over and over again with people who don’t want to listen. It feels like we’ve been on pause for years, in this space, and it’s time to start moving again. There is growth happening out there. I think it’s time to bring it here again.

If you enjoyed reading this, you might enjoy reading some of the other pieces of writing from the July 2018 Carnival of Aces. Here’s a handy link to the round-up post!