#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma

[em-b-sides]

I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually

[circusclownproductions]

seeing a lot of videos that are like “I didn’t know babies couldn’t have water” so here’s an incomplete list of things you need to know before having a baby

- the obvious, they can’t have water bc milk is incredibly high in water already so excess water leads to over hydration

- babies cannot have honey until 1

- if ur breastfeeding your kid and saving excess milk, make sure you label what you pumped in the morning vs at night bc your body produces different melatonin levels throughout the day and giving your baby daytime milk at night can make them more alert and fuck up their sleep schedule

- idk why ppl keep saying this but swaddling your babies or getting them those baby straight jacket things is not abuse. It chills them out cuz it reminds them of the womb

- babies have a dandruff like buildup on their head called cradle cap, and it’s very easy to deal with and remove with just some baby shampoo, a gentle scrub brush (MADE FOR BABIES!!) and a comb. It does need to be removed tho cuz it can be very painful after a while. This can also continue to happen late into toddlerhood it’s normal

- you have to clean out the creases of your baby’s skin and hands and feet they WILL collect dust😭😭

- you cannot bathe your baby until their umbilical cord naturally falls off. Use a warm damp rag until then

- tummy time is actually very important

- your baby might have a misshapen head at first (not all the time but sometimes) this will either sort itself out or they’ll need a corrective helmet ask your doctor

- I wouldn’t recommend having your baby leave the house very much until they’re at least 6 months old, especially if they’re born near cold and flu season cuz the common cold can kill a newborn

- you’re not an awful horrible person for having postpartum depression and it’s always a million times better to let your baby cry a few minutes longer than normal while you regain your composure than to freak out and give ur kid shaken baby syndrome

- you’re not an awful horrible person for giving your baby formula milk either

- don’t put shoes on your baby it’ll compromise their toe box and balance

- babies put every single thing in their mouths

- the easiest way to burp a baby is to hold them straight up (spine straight) and hold their head a bit higher

- always support their head they barely have necks

- if your baby fights away food, fights tummy time, vomits every single time you burp them, is gaining or losing an unreasonable amount of weight at a time, wheezes after eating, or goes red after eating, chances are they’re probably allergic to the type of milk they’re eating (again ask a doctor but these are just some signs it’s not just colic)

- they will wobble a lot when learning to do things but you gotta fight the urge to help them every single time cuz they gotta learn

- they’re not always spitting out baby food cuz they don’t like it they just don’t know how to eat. Like they don’t know how to push food down they only know how to stick their tongue out so be patient

- babies craniums are broken up into three parts at first that later fuse together, this is to help make birthing easier but it results in a small EXTREMELY sensitive spot in the top of their head that has no protection. This puts their brain at a high risk. Always protect their soft spot

- read to your baby!! Get cute bright colorful sensory books with sight words and read them to your baby it makes such a huge difference in their educational growth and will help them acquire a love for reading early on. And talk to them never shut up just say whatever comes to mind all the time this will strengthen their vocabulary growth also.

- babies poop like a lot. A lot. an unreasonable amount. Bring back up clothes and more diapers than you think

- no pillows or stuffies in the crib and only use a muslin blanket unless it’s especially cold to prevent suffocation

- babies kick reflexively until they’re out of their newborn scrunch (they stay womb shaped for a while) and if your baby is crying and pushing at the swaddle try letting them flail around for a minute

- consoling your baby is not spoiling them ! They need comfort and they will learn to self soothe on their own

- singing lullabies actually works, they can recognize your voice a consistent place of comfort from the womb and the cadence of lullabies is literally engineered to create a calm headspace

- for the love of god do not get boring ass beige toys. Colors are important for their neurological development

- babies are very responsive to praise from a young age so be as supportive of them as you can

- babies get constipated a lot and you have to do like tummy massages to help ease their pain the easiest way is to lay them on their backs and hold one foot in each hand, kick their feet like bicycles, scrunch up, and then stretch their legs out

- holding them on your hip too much will not cause bow legged-ness if your baby is bow legged that was always gonna happen

- they drool so so much and you have to get bibs for them so they don’t get chest eczema

- don’t use scented products on their skin cuz their skin is sooo much thinner than ours

- when your baby first starts sitting on their own never walk away from them without setting up a nest of pillows and blankets around them. Even minor head trauma can mess them up sometimes

- this one is kinda morbid and scary but sometimes babies just die out of nowhere and it’s no one’s fault or anything it’s called sudden infantile death syndrome(SIDS) and it’s about 1.3k deaths on average per year in America so not super common but still very real. 90% of these deaths happen during the first four months however edit: apparently it’s bc of an enzyme deficiency which at the very least you can take steps to try and prevent

- smoking and drinking during pregnancy WILL affect your baby and your breast milk and also might contribute to SIDS cases

- babies sometimes have a big red mark on them somewhere called a stork bite immediately after birth but typically it goes away

- babies can’t see very well for a while after birth and they’re VERY wobbly so they’ll typically bonk their head into your chest and face a lot while trying to support themselves

- female babies might have smth similar to a period the first few days after birth, this is because of the hormone transfer that happens during the birthing process and the days leading up to it

- male babies get random erections for the first few days after birth(hormone transfer again) literally do not be weird about this it’s a baby

- things like weaning your baby onto solid foods, potty training, weaning off pacifiers etc, can actually be directed by the baby and will happen naturally will minimal guidance from the parent(some guidance is still necessary) although I would do individual research into baby led weaning for food to prevent choking

- get those chewy feeding pouches to help with weaning

- the most random things will scare the hell out of your baby don’t take it personal 😭

- baby carriers are life savers (tulas are one of my favorites)

- once babies hit toddlerhood they’re tougher than you think, and a lot of their reaction is based on YOURS. they’re always going to be looking to you for how to react to a situation. Remain calm and if they’re ok they’ll calm down but if they’re genuinely hurt they’ll keep crying

- babies will most likely get ridiculously attached to an inanimate object and you have to keep this thing intact at all costs until they’re old enough to abandon it or they will throw a FIT. I got a lemur plushie from a zoo once and every single one of the kids has bonded their soul with it until about 6 years old and once a month I have to stitch him back up

- don’t compare yourself to other parents. Maybe your kid isnt getting grass fed wild caught north Atlantic cheerios but at least they’re fed. If your kid is alive and healthy and happy you’re doing a good job

- you will need 3 car seats, an infant seat, a grow with me toddler seat, and a booster seat

- getting a good diaper bag is a MUST

- the hair a baby is born with will most likely all fall out or they’ll get a bald spot on the back of their head where they sleep cuz their hair is so fragile and thin but once it grows back it grows back thick

- get like 20 muslin blankets so you always have a backup when the main ones are covered in spit up

- the babies grip IS stronger than yours (keep your hair up and keep pets away best you can)

- your best bet for your teething baby is a pacifier you can put your finger in so you can massage their gums and some chewing toys numbing cream can be dangerous and should be used sparingly

- go ahead and come to terms with the fact you’re gonna have to use a Frida Baby to manually remove snot

- babies can get hair and thread wrapped around their toes and fingers that can cut off their circulation try to make a habit of checking

- don’t hit your kid please it’s nothing but trauma and fucked up coping mechanisms from there pls empathize with your child they’re a person too

- be careful not to pull too hard on their arms and legs(like during play or holding their hand while they walk) and NEVER pick them up by their hands this will very easily cause dislocation

- they might have a little tooth like callous on their lip from their pacifier. This does not hurt them and it will go away but it may hurt during breastfeeding

- breastfeeding will make your boobs different sizes

Yeag that’s all I can think of rn but yk i Will add as I remember stuff ppl are also adding things I forgot in the tags in case you’d like to look thru that as well <3

[coopers-hand]

your 6H and how you find comfort

TLDR: our 6H is responsible for our day to day lives, including our habits and routine. one thing about those is that through these repetitive actions people find the sense of familiarity, stability and comfort. the position of the ruler of this house will show you areas through which you may find this comfort❤️‍🩹 to gain more insight, look at the signs of both 6H and it’s ruler, as well as to your Moon and virgo-pisces axis! ٩(^‿^)۶

~ the position of your 6H ruler and how you find your sense of comfort

1H: pampering oneself, being pretty and comfy, and being well fed and having walked on their little walk, and their skin is moisturized and their nails are groomed — these people need to take care of themselves and their own body to feel comforted🍃

2H: those people may be the type of ppl that have their emotional support stuffed animal, or sweater, or coffee mug — anything, actually, that they can hold and touch and that has some physical weight to it. they may sleep with plushies and wear the same mittens their mom knitted for them centuries ago🧶☕️

3H: escaping to the books, movies, series, etc. — these ppl find the most comfort in stories and ways people share their thoughts with the world ✏️ so they may have their comfort piece of media that they keep coming back again and again

4H: sense of comfort is brought through the feeling of home and passed childhood. the perfume of their mother? that one sandwich they’ve been eating since they turned 5? that one pair of socks knitted by their grandma? you tell me 🥹 || I have my 6H ruler in here, and I find comfort in eating the same breakfast my mom was cooking for me when I was at school, so yeah…

5H: hobbies!! those people may be the ones that have been doing the same thing since childhood, like they’ve always been drawing with crayons, or collecting stickers, or crafting, or making little silly songs with their old electronic piano. they may find comfort in their old creative supplies, in their ancient watercolors they bought like in 7th grade, or in that one song that makes they soul dance itself out

6H: regime!! those people need to have their own familiar structure of life, even if this structure doesn’t make sense for everybody else. they need their morning walks, they need their sunday movie nights with that one person, they need to do this exact type of exercise bc it’s important for them and only they will get it.

7H: those people are about lifelong relationships, they may be one of the most devoted partners you can find. they find comfort in people they’ve been with since forever, they are feeling sure and good and comfy around their best friend that they’ve known for 20 years, that they’ve grown up with and that they share almost all of their life experiences with👭

8H: those people need their alone time. they need their sacred space, their little castle that nobody can invade and make them put on a human suit again. they find comfort in knowing that there’s completely no one around so that they can be so much and unapologetically alone and themselves.

9H: those people are the greatest optimists, that will not let the humanity destruct itself in the storm of hate and pessimism. those people always know that there’s hope, that the world is a good place to be in, that there’s joy and love and laughter and cool people and also little animals and big animals and flowers and so much more!! I love them so much omg sorry but those people literally save the world by finding their own sense of comfort😭

10H: another type of people that need the structure, but, on the contrary with 6H fellas, this is kind of an external structure. it may be a literal social institute that provides them with it (e.g. school, work, gym membership, language clubs??), or a kind of style of living that they accept to follow. those people may find comfort in knowing that they have their life together, in knowing what will happen tomorrow🏹

11H: those people crave the sense of belonging. they need to know that they are not alone in this world, that there’s at least another person on Earth that can say ‘hey! im here! I know how you feel’. the greatest sense of comfort for those people is knowing that they are understood.

12H: hello my lovely existentialists 🥰 for these people comfort may look like something unattainable, bc they are prone to existential dread every working day and holidays included. however, the sense of comfort is attained through daydreaming, sleeping and meditating — and also other 1000000 things that can be linked to sleep. I also have noticed that those people may need more sleep than others to stay healthy. so, remember — it’s not that the world hates you, maybe you just had very little sleep in the night💤

[past-j]

long post about weight loss journey perspectives and updates <3

my weight loss has been slow and the number on the scale fluctuates within several pounds depending on the day. but. slowly but surely i'm making progress.

the numbers that used to be abnormally low become typical, then those same numbers become abnormally high. and right now my abnormally low number (195 lbs) is 10+ lbs below my heaviest weight in 2022-2024 (205-207 lbs) and 8 lbs below my official starting weight in october (203 lbs)! the abnormally low number is also my GW for quarter 1 of 2025 (195 lbs), which is cool to have already met. my abnormally high numbers are now CONSISTENTLY below 200 lbs, while from summer 2022 - november 2024 i never saw 199. I rarely see 200+ now unless I weigh myself at the end of a big day of eating.

main thing i've learned about the scale is that I can be excited about the abnormal lows, but that I shouldn't worry if it's not that low the next day. also, I should pay attention to the abnormal highs and appreciate when they're below a benchmark that was previously unreachable. truly this big picture mindset with weight loss is KEY.

I'm gonna put a "keep reading" for people on mobile / people who don't care bc this got really long but... keep reading :)

slow and steady. this has been the first time i've been successful in deliberate weight loss, and I think it's truly because I am refusing to give up and I'm letting it take as long as it needs to. I'm mainly working in 5 lb increments, and I'm appreciating every pound of difference in between. Soon I'll be working towards 190, and once I get there... I'll have beat obesity. This is within reach. I imagine that I'll make this my updated Q1 goal, since I'm already reaching 195.

I already am feeling much better and more beautiful. Looking back, I felt pretty good when I was in the 180s. and I felt REALLY good in the 170s. (even though that's still technically overweight!) So I'm getting pretty close to being back in a range where I feel much more comfortable in my body.

Honestly, I don't even know what my end goal weight is. I imagine I'll just stop when it becomes too difficult to achieve weight loss within the context of the rest of my life.

It'd be nice if that was at a healthy bmi. Even when I was a healthy bmi from the age of 10-17, I was still constantly trying to lose weight. I always wanted to be thinner, and I took drastic measures to achieve that (hence my struggles with food and my binging + weight gain throughout college). Throughout my adolescence, I'd lose an extreme amount of weight, then become so insatiable that I'd gain it all back PLUS some. rinse and repeat until I was overweight by my senior year. But at this point? Being at a healthy BMI with a healthy relationship with food/body image? I'd be UNSTOPPABLE.

For a long time, I thought that I'd never be a "healthy weight" again. I thought my set point was higher. But really I was still struggling with binging when I was overweight-but-comfortable. So now I actually do think that I may see that again. Maybe not this year, but.... someday. :)

Anyways, I'm honestly so excited to be in my comfortable range (170-185 lbs) again with my new outlook on body image and food. That is 100% achievable, and I think that it may happen this year at the rate I'm going.

I still felt beautiful at 200+ lbs, and I still very much enjoyed life. I feel beautiful currently at 195+ lbs. I learned nutrition, I enjoy fun foods, and I don't struggle with binging anymore. I found an exercise routine that feels really good to me. so I'm very interested to see what life is like at a comfortable weight with a healthy relationship with food/body image. I'm excited to feel fully at peace in my body for the first time since I was a child.

My final thoughts on this. it's interesting how my weight loss journey is paralleling my personal growth in other areas. as I let go of the past, the weight comes off more easily. I imagine there is some physiological reason for this, like less stress or less tension or less emotional eating... but it does feel symbolic. My mental health is the best it has ever been. I struggle less with substance abuse. I am happier and more motivated and I feel a little light in my heart again in a way that I haven't felt since before COVID. I feel inspired and like I am on the right path. I feel like this is all interconnected and I truly am stepping into my dream life in so many ways. Life is getting good.

thank u for reading <3

[blubushie]

is hard to lose weight? i'm v sedentary bc my job takes up most of my time n i don't have much free time to myself bt i want to lose weight bc it's starting to cause me health issues. i'm around ur height but pushing 300lbs n my joints can't take this :c

I'm gonna go into this assuming you're clear of any thyroid issues/illnesses like Cushing's or what have you, since I'd imagine you'd have mentioned that if you had them...

Nah. Technically you don't even need to really be active to lose weight. It's just calories in → calories out (so how many calories you take in vs how many calories you burn). Your body can't create energy from nothing, and fat is basically stored energy. If you're using more than you're taking in, your body has to start using up its reserved fat to make up the difference for energy demands, which means you lose weight.

That said the caloric deficit is something you have to stick to permanently unless you become more active. A lot of people have bad eating habits and gain a lot of weight, then go on a diet and starting eating better, and eating a little less, and they lose the weight, and then once they're at the weight they want to be at they just go right back to eating the way they did before the diet and put all of the weight back on because they didn't actually change any of their habits or mindset.

Caloric deficits are permanent. And the good thing is that you can eat whatever the fuck you want as long as you eat in moderation. The other day I had 4 brownies over a day and some pasta and I still lost my half-kilo that week because that was all I ate for that day.

Hell, you can binge eat (I did at a restaurant—ate about 2400 calories at lunch) and then just ate less the next day so that I met my deficit between the two days. Some people will occasionally binge eat and then fast for a few days, others never eat over their deficit, etc. Deficits are really manoeuvreable and are able to be tailored specific to YOUR needs and wants. Want to have large, high-calorie meals on the weekends? Just eat less calories in the days leading up to it.

But the biggest thing is that your dietary changes have to be permanent. If you go back to your pre-deficit eating habits you'll gain the weight back on, because you're just back to consuming more energy than your body can burn.

As a teen I lost... Fuck, I dunno, about 20kg on a caloric deficit, then another 20kg between eating whatever I wanted but working a hard labour job. And I'll be honest that staying busy is a big trick to fighting the hunger cravings because a lot of people (myself included) use food for stimulation and get hungry when we're actually just bored. If I'm busy that urge to eat goes away and it turns out I'm not actually that hungry. And back home in Australia I could practically eat as much as I wanted because I was so active that everything I ate would be burnt off through exercise. That's harder to do here, hence the deficit.

(That and processed foods—processed foods are hard to avoid especially if you can't afford to eat non-processed, but that means you have to eat them in moderation because they're very high in calories. Make homecooked meals every chance you can. They're more filling and they have less calories.)

You'll lose weight more easily with caloric deficits than by hard exercise, but you'll also be able to eat more if you exercise more. A 5.5km walk burns something like 350 calories or some shit, and only take about an hour and a half (if you're walking a dog who insists on stopping and sniffing every fifteen seconds). Plus getting some fresh air and exercise is good for you. But if you don't have time for it you can 100% lose weight without the exercise, it just means you gotta stay strict within your deficit. Homecooked meals are more filling but tbh even fast food can keep you in it.

I recommend caloric tracking apps personally. I'm currently using LoseIt which is tailored to your height, age, and current activity level. It's got the best range of food by brand and it was the app I used as a teen and it's the app I'm using now. You can even add custom foods and recipes so you can account for how much calories is in homemade meals.

Once you hit your ideal weight you can just calculate how many calories you need to maintain that weight and then you're all set. For example, for me to maintain a weight of 60kg, I'd need to eat about 2000 calories a day. But to get there I'm currently at a deficit of 1450 calories a day.

Obligatory if you're pregnant/breastfeeding/have a metabolic diseases like diabetes or some shit TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR before you do a caloric deficit. Also talk to your doctor if you want to lose more than half a kilo a week since that can be dangerous and should be done under supervision.

Chookas, you'll be fine. It's much easier than you think. Just requires a bit of willpower is all. :]

[spencerdubya]

About 5 months ago my life took a huge turn for the absolute worst. I had just completed a bodybuilding competition where I won a pretty big award. After that I went on a vacation with my wife...and that's when the trouble started.

Instead of just chilling and enjoying the vacation I ruined it by worrying about calories and what I was eating etc. I then got fixated on the fact I had ruined our trip and started having what I later realized were bad panic attacks and my heart rate stayed over 100 bpm consistently. I feared I had a heart issue so ended up in the ER after our trip.

Everything checked out, but I was referred to a cardiologist. I went for some in depth testing and waited on the results (which ended up coming back good ptl). In the meantime I was hyper focused on my diet, but then decided to just say screw it and eat whatever I wanted to etc. I ended up gaining 40+ lbs in a very short amount of time and was so disgusted with my body composition and myself.

I also ended up injuring my shoulder during this time and got more depressed about that. Fast-forward I had yet another injury and got pinned under a lot of weight doing a leg press and after I go to the doctor I find out I have cartilage fissures and cartilage does not heal. Talk about hitting rock bottom bc i love lifting weights. So due to all of this and the mental toil, plus work was crazy busy I hit my absolute lowest point. I stop taking any of my meds...start sleeping all of the time and missing work etc.... I end up attempting to unalive myself and one night I completely loose it. My wife calls my dad and her best friend for an intervention and my dad takes me to the hospital where i check myself in to the psych ward/mental hospital.

I stay there for 4-5 days and then once i get out my wife has extensive therapy and ketamine infusions lined up for me etc. These all definitely help, but I am still struggling mentally with how bad I have messed my life up. I forgot to add that my BP got up to like 180/120 multiple times during the ketamine infusions, so now I’m worried that has negatively affected my cardiovascular and renal health. Also just my overall health has  took a turn for the absolute worst . I used to have pristine blood work, but now it is terrible.

Also, I am having to get a colonoscopy and endoscopy done because all of this stress and worry has absolute ruined my GI health. Recently (2 weeks ago) I was feeling much better and actually was ok with just moving forward, but I injured my right knee pretty badly to the point I am worrying I will need surgery. This just took me back to square one and right back in the hole I had almost crawled out of.

I cannot win for losing and if you want to talk about bad luck that is literally the story of my life as of late. One problem after the other with no breaks...it's like a sad, sad tragedy. It is like I am cursed! I went from on top of the world to the absolute depths of hell in 5 months. I just look around and say this cannot be real life…no one’s life can be this negative and sad…I’m going to wake up from this nightmare soon…I spend Every day hating myself and what my life has become.

The only bit of joy I have is from my wife and my 3 kids. I am absolutely wrecked though seeing what all of this has done to them also. I can just tell how hurt my wife is and my kids attitudes reflect the fact that dad isn't himself anymore...it breaks my heart into pieces.... I want to fix it but I cannot.

The only thing that would correct it all and heal the damage is to go back to late May/early June of this year and make a few small changes that would take my life from Hell to Heaven and make everyone happy again. I could be the absolute best version of myself for my wife....my kids..my job...and for me!

Can anyone help?!?! I must shift...everything depends on it....

Thx!

[wolfboyrhys]

Guys! Guys!

I’m back! Sorry for vanishing, school is sh*t lol

So

Hear me out

This is for everyone who likes Genshin and is crazy obsessed with Neuvillette like @skylashadow xD (Check her out, she’s a precious lil bean!)

She won’t stop talking about him ._.

Anyway!

We’ve collected a few (“few”) Headcanons for our dear Hydro Dragon

(TW for anyone who can’t handle topics like weight gaining!)

(And just to be clear, that’s no weird k!nky stuff, just two beans writing down silly Headcanons for fun!)

✨Chubby Neuvillette edition ✨

1. How about him being actually kinda chubby but he tries to hide it by wearing a really tight corset

(We already wrote angsty stuff with that one and Skyla always dares me to write another one or keep it going lol)

2. It’s some kind of animal instinct (bc he being big dragon yk?) to eat more when autumn starts so they won’t get cold when winter comes and snow falls

—> like hedgehogs or bears (yeah not the best example but guess you know what we mean)

3. He actually knows that he wouldn’t have to do so but he just follows his instinct and does it anyway (boy’s not taking any risk)

4. He gets embarrassed by the thought of someone finding out about it so he avoids (even more than already) social contacts

5. He doesn’t really understand what happens with his body since he doesn’t understand that sudden urge to eat —> he normally doesn’t eat much so he is confused where his sudden change in behavior comes from

6. He has a lot of bruises on his waist because of the tight strings of the corset cutting into his skin

7. He uses his cane to rest his body because it’s hard to stand straight due to the pain

8. He can’t breath properly and it’s hard to focus since there isn’t enough oxygen in his veins

9. Due to the low amount of oxygen he isn’t able to focus correctly and messed up a lot of files

10. people around recognize the chaotic and tired behavior of him but doesn’t talk about him since they think it’s because he always works so hard that he just needs a proper rest

11. He tries eating less but fails because his conditions get worse when je suddenly stopped eating

12. He often stares at his reflection on the big window in his office when it gets dark

…

Yeah I guess that are all for now

If we get any new ones, we’ll share it with you ofc :)

Hope you like a few of them, we may will do some other Headcanons for him or other characters

(We’re already collecting some for angsty Baizhu :D )

[queenofzan]

had a wild experience with my doctor visit yesterday

So my GP is a man I actually followed from the last clinic he was at, where I had been getting care for like. Nine years. I still go there for like, gynecology, because there is a nurse/midwife there whom I would die for, but I only have to see her like every five years or whatever. I had in fact only seen Dr. Brown twice before I followed him to the other clinic lmao, but both of those experiences were like. Honestly excellent. I think he was the first doctor I ever saw who spontaneously asked for my pronouns before I was out or started T, like. This was part of his introduction to a new patient was giving his name and pronouns and then asking mine, bc the paperwork didn't. Wild shit.

He was also the doctor I saw when it had been five weeks and I still had COVID symptoms, and he was very nice and wrote a letter that I should not have needed for my shitty ableist program.

Like, I've seen several other doctors at that clinic, but never really liked any of them that much? I didn't really click with Mom's doctor, and I was not about to start seeing the doctor who doesn't listen to her unless I'm in the room, even if she does seem to like me.

Anyway, like, this is a doctor I really like, for many reasons. The only reason I initially didn't see him again after the first time was because I was like, a male doctor? Who sees men on purpose? But like. Gaining more weight and getting more visibly trans it's like. Yes I would actually like the large man who did not bring up my weight or make weird remarks about my gender, and somehow immediately diagnosed my migraines as allergies and was correct, thank you.

But this visit on Thursday, there was a student doctor with him, and she was the one to do the first part of my visit, and like. Jesus H Christ it's night and day with these people. She didn't ask very many questions OR listen to my whole explanation, regurgitated textbook information that I KNOW was textbook information because I did research on my symptoms and the treatments for it before I even made the appointment, and was just like. Recommending lifestyle interventions like eating around acidic foods. Which I've been doing...for ten years....Not helpful. But she was still going to give me the meds I figured I needed, so like, I was going to just zone out and deal with it.

At the end Dr. Brown stepped in again and was like, hey here's some information (confirming my suspicions) that was, IMO, clearly drawn from actually listening to me, and also, here's a fun fact about testosterone and the medication we're giving you, the t has a protective effect against the negative side effects! So hopefully you will have an even better outcome than most people.

And like I said, I've seen him like. Three times. Only once did we go over my family history, and I don't think Mom's probable GERD was included then. But I said I'd been dealing with heartburn for a while, and Dr. Brown was like, "How long did you say you'd been dealing with this?" (I didn't say specifically; she didn't ask) and then was like, yeah, you're probably going to end up on this medication long-term, just shoot me a message via mychart and we can schedule an endoscopy so we can keep an eye on any potential side effects moving forward, no need to come back in, just keep taking them.

This was like the five minutes at the end of the visit! And it demonstrated so much better listening and understanding of his patient!

Anyway. Nothing like having a "typical" medical experience to make you appreciate how good your doctor that you specifically followed to a new practice is.

[thatdayindecember]

I'm a weight and size I swoooore I'd never go back to. And yeah ik I had a baby 2 months ago butttt... I've gained weight since. I'm gaining weight every week actually.

I'm obviously sleep deprived as a single mom to a newborn and my body always starts going crazy with the hunger when that happens and I'm too tired to fight it yk. I also simply don't have the time to make + eat balanced meals yk so that doesn't help either

And I also kinda can't fight the hunger bc that would be consciously restricting and that would end up in some sort of relapse and I can't do that bc my baby needs me to be healthy

I hate how I look. And, surprisingly, I hate how I FEEL even more. All the sugars make me feel so sluggish. Kinda dumb that my body makes me crave sugar bc I'm tired but all it does is make me feel tired

[urlocalmentallyunstablegal]

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

[astridthevalkyrie]

trauma dump so my dad and i work in the same company right. he sits about twenty feet away from me (yeah it's fantastic i don't wanna jump out the window somtimes at all) but anyways today he comes over to my desk and in english and loud enough that my colleagues could hear he's like "your shower is clogged you need to fix it!" and a. my sisters and i have been telling him this for weeks so the fact that he is acting like he didn't know shows how little he actually listens to us and b. he only knows now bc since her bathroom is being painted my mother took a shower in ours and inconveniences only matter when it's inconveniences for them and c. he could have said this QUIETLY or in URDU and it would be fine but no apparently asking for respect in the workspace is too much to ask for so i told him "can you be a little less condescending about it?" and he got even more peeved and said he wasn't being condescending and was just telling me to clean out the clog (something i didn't even realize i could do like i didn't know i could lift the thing in the shower bc it looks screwed on and he's never told me this before) so i was like "okay whatever" and he walked away and i KNOW at least one of my colleagues overheard bc he joked something like "that sounded serious" so um. and yesterday my mom randomly got pissed at my sister and told me to stop teaching her to blame everything on my mother and i didn't wanna fight so i just said kay and tried to keep the mood positive with my mother because who am i if i'm not playing emotional support eldest daughter all the time and my dad heard the sound of conflict and went into the basement like the bystander and enabler he is!! anyways i have started another keigo fic that will most likely flop as well but idc because i'm having fun writing for him but i'm not having fun at home and i still lack the energy to find a therapist especially bc i know i'd have to pay for it out of pocket and i'd hear it from my parents (SEPARATELY ffs) that they don't think i need therapy but my sister has had trichotillomania for years and they're only now kinda seriously registering her into therapy after being told my several different doctors to do that because she has a fucking ANXIOUS TICK and they just don't see the correlation they don't see why she would have that and my mom keeps calling her crazy as though the woman doesn't have a barrage of mental health issues that she just refuses to address she has a therapist that she chooses not to talk to she takes depression pills she has meltdowns but it's oooover the second anyone else feels an emotion and now (and always) i'm being told that i'm teaching my sister to hate her and disobey her like BABE!!!! you are UNLIKEABLE and there is a reason no one in the house wants to spend time with you!!!! i'm already in this one stupid class that my parents pushed me into that i don't wanna get into but it's so annoying bc it takes up at least two hours aside from my 7:30 to 5 pm shift which if i go into office means i have to catch a 6 am train and be back at like 6:30 pm so i always push myself to stay up as late as i can to get some alone time where i can relax and then i wake up miserable and i push goals for myself to eat healthier and exercise bc i've gained weight even though everyone says i look like i don't eat (i don't) my mom will just randomly make a comment like "i can see your stomach poking out" or some SHIT like that and she's constantly trying to get me to drink her goddamn disgusting homemade mint water that will make my skin clearer and brighter but i like my brown skin and i'm not SELF HATING like some people! and she keeps bugging me to text the lady from this matchmaking service she enrolled me into but i do not WANT to because none of those men will like me because i god forbid put in my bio that i have ideals that i will not budge from and that i am a feminist and i need someone who will respect that i'm allowed to have as much freedom as them and desi men can't stomach that shit so. and my grandma uncle and his two kids are visiting this

(hit the character block limit) weekend and i have to make it into a fun game for my sister to always be around him and interact with everyone bc if me or her try to refill our social batteries in our rooms or interact with EACH OTHER instead of everyone else my mother will think it's the equivalent of stripping naked in front of everyone despite how she embarrasses us every fucking CHANCE she gets especially around her family and my grandma is back to living with us for at least a few months after this which means she'll sleep in my bed which means she'll use my pillows and take up half the bed and every time this happens my CHRONIC BACK PAIN FORGOT ABOUT THAT acts up more than usual so i'm considering sleeping downstairs but i tend to get anxious when i do that i'm just hoping it doesn't happen this time bc i'd rather be depressed as shit instead of anxious and anxiety scares me so bad i get into my own head so easily and i hate taking meds apparently i need vitamin d pills for the rest of my life and taking them makes me feel sick and i don't drink water no matter how hard i try bc the more i drink the more sick i feel and sometimes i go days without drinking water and sometimes i don't eat and sometimes i'm starving but after a single bite i'm full and somehow i'm still gaining weight and i can't expect anyone to care about this constantly because i'm no one's goddamn concern or burden anyways today i'm feeling really introspective and i want to sit with my feelings for a bit but i can't because once i get home (in the train right now) i have to have a one on one meeting with my course instructor and i miss acting but at the same time every time i think of it i think of that horrible incident a few months ago where i agreed to be in the ensemble of wizard of oz and the experience was so bad and the people were so awful and i was the only woc there and they treated me like dirt under their shoe and every time we had a show to put on i felt ill from how miserable i was and now i'm scared all my acting experiences will all be like this and i'm so tired i want to be held and comforted and i want someone to allow me to cry without telling me to cheer up and i want to stop being so nervous every time i meet someone new and i want my skin to be clearer and i want to be healthier and i want my mother to stop abusing me and i want to just sleep in for a whole day and have no one bother me and i want to answer all these asks in my inbox because some are more than a year old and i feel so bad and i go back to school in the fall and i'll be working full time and i can't even say well i guess i had a good break year because i didn't i was working the whole time and i'm almost always around one parent and i want to write without my wrists feeling pain and i want everyone to leave me alone.

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[chiso]

Exercise burns WAY too little calories to beat a bad diet, that is very true. I also lost the weight I lost (which his 20kg since summer 2023) through diet alone. Perhaps I did SOME exercise if you count the physical strength and steps you HAVE to do when you walk around in a warehouse, but I was "fat" back then even while working there before, so I don't think it made that much of a difference.

Ofc it's fine to stay happy and learn to love yourself as you are, I just know that I for myself couldn't and I find myself way more attractive now that I lost weight and for anyone who is like me and wants to shed some kgs without a horrible diet that ends in a yoyo- I'll add what I did under here, btw this is for no profit at all, I just want to help fellow people unhappy in their skin and I thought for WAY TOO LONG that losing weight is impossible, when it's actually not that hard.

It's annoying af, I know, but calories count. Get an app that calculates your daily need of calories. It needs your height, age and weight to know the right number. Once you have that, you can extract 100-300 kcal from that total and make this your goal to eat less of that every day for a few weeks, you'll see the weight WILL get down. The scale will sometimes stay the same weight for weeks though but if you keep going you WILL see the change!

Additional to step 1- 100-300 kcal we sometimes take in just with a sweet drink or a snack. It's not that hard to eat less of it and you can still get full! You can google low kcal meals that you can eat lots of- A personal tip from me is eating thin wraps (the thinner the less kcal) with salmon or other protein fillings- since protein makes you full AND is necessary for weight loss and muscle gain. BTW don't you dare to eat less than that, it WILL hinder your weight loss, we need a certain amount of calories to work!!!!!!

Protein, you have to eat enough protein a day for this all to be lasting. I read you have to eat your bodyweight (kg) in grams of protein in a day. For example, back when I was 60kg, I had to eat 60g protein a day. But also don't beat yourself up over it if you don't get that amount daily, I didn't either, just try to whenever you can, and it'll help!

ADD your workout. I had an app that also counted my steps and automatically added the kcal I burned to my daily kcal app. It motivated me to move more because 10k steps is like 100kcal and that was 100kcal I could eat more even WHILE dieting.

Cheat meals. Important: MEAL not day, every Saturday or Sunday I had a cheat meal, sometimes even smth as big as a burger on TOP of my usual daily intake. It helps your metabolism and body to stop thinking you're starving (which makes weight loss slower) so it's not only helpful in case you're starving to eat more (bc ngl it WILL be hard until your stomach has shrinked a lil but you can do it if I did bby) but also helps your diet physically fr! So do these!!! Reward yourself for your hard work

"So does that mean I will 4ever have to count calories?" God no, I did it for over a year until I was sick of it myself. I went from 68kg down to 49kg, when I stopped counting I gained again ofc, but I still know now what contains how many calories and know by heart what I can eat and what I shouldn't. I am 52kg for months now and I don't gain anything more and even if I would, I would know now how to lose it again if it gets really bad. THAT WAS BASICALLY already it. I know not every day will be easy and sometimes you WILL mess up. The trick is not to beat yourself up over it and keep going! Wearing the cute clothes you always wanted to wear will be SO rewarding and worth it, at least it was for me. Disclaimer that I never had children, don't have diabetes, and am in my early 30ies so idk if this will work for everyone but it did for me, and if this just helps one soul my job here is already done!!

Me: Exercise does not cause weight loss. This is a fact that has been demonstrated so robustly in research that even doctors, who hate and fear evidence, are grudgingly starting to admit this.

Someone reading that post: Cool, but have you considered that exercise leads to weight loss?

Me: I am going to eat you

[nathank77]

11/17/24

11:42 a.m

I'm just going to have a TV day. I don't know if I can go to the gym tomorrow. I'm still sore not terribly but enough that I may need another recovery day. I'll go Tuesday if I still hurt tomorrow or Wednesday if I still hurt Tuesday. And I'll try to take it easier. I mean the problem is, I just want to get away from my house. And I want to get ripped at the same time. It's not like grocery shopping.. I don't like shopping, I like it but then I look at my bank account and I'm like oh god I need to stop overbuying or buying before I need things....

I'm a little worried about money bc of my new membership at the gym and food and all that.... bills. Cigarettes... I'm actually going to ask for nicotine patches...

If I go two hours without a cigarette my withdrawal gets so bad i get so irritated. I feel my skin crawling. I have to slow down and i need to do it in a controller manner so that I don't have intense withdrawals..

I want to have a red bull day but if I don't and i wait until next week and have another on the 30th (cause its my testosterone day and i deserve it) I won't need to buy more red bull until next month and it will help with my money issues significantly and my heart which i still don't know what to do about. I have no clue if I should take rapatha or a statin or just see if my life style changes make a difference bc when I say I seriously cut out significant amounts of cheese I mean it. And I go to the gym and I'm eating oatmeal a few times a week and I'm actually serious about slowing down on smoking. Prob not quiting cause what's the point I might as well kill myself soon but at least I can save some money and a trip to new fucking Hampshire bc I'm sick of going every fucking other month. And having a reoccurring bill for it. I pay it off and then i have to start paying off the next batch. It's a cycle I'm fed up with.

But the gym is a free-ish escape... like yea I'm paying for it but when I go i don't have to swipe my card or when I leave. And I get the added benefit of seeing my muscles grow and having endorphins released. I really want to go tomorrow but idk i can't if I still hurt. I may take an Ibuprofen soon cause like I don't hurt a lot but it can help with any inflammation.. and maybe I'll feel normal tomorrow.

I have to find a workout regime where I can go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and get a good workout and get ripped but not hurt myself. Idk. All I know is I got to add workouts and different workouts and different weights or more reps to actually gain. It makes it hard bc last time I went to the gym (over 3 years ago) i had two problems:

1) i was hyper and not on meds so my caloric intake was insane so weight loss was impossible.

2) i did the exact same workouts every single time and yea i gradually increased the weight until I got to 150 pounds on my biceps and then I couldn't lift anymore and I flatlined... I did the same workouts every single time. Same reps. Same exercises. Same machines. Same amount of sets and I couldn't lift anymore than 150 pounds not even months later. I indirectly sabotaged myself bc in order to gain muscle and get cut you got to change your workout and add more and change weights and do low weights and a lot of reps. And different exercises to challenge your muscles. I did do dumbbell workouts but not like I'm doing this time around.

This time will be different bc I'm not hyper and eating an insane amount of calories and I'm not going to do the same tired old workout everytime. And I'm going to challenge myself and control my calorie intake.

I just hope I can do it right and I hope tomorrow i can go but Tuesday works too. I can do Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday worst case. Or even Tuesday, Friday and Sunday or something depending on pain but the problem with my biceps and shoulders hurting is that's mainly what I workout... and even if I was like pec and back day you use your biceps, triceps and shoulders in many of the exercises....

So we will see.

Sleep was good. I kept having dreams of waking up needing to pee. I think one time was real. I did end up Peeing after getting 6 solid hours... and then I did fall asleep sorta quickly and I know I got 7 hours.

My hallucination is driving me crazy today. I want to die. When the laundry machine is running since I spend a lot of my day in the bathroom the noise of the water and dryer going makes my hallucination worse bc there is no dialogue. I kinda want to end it bc my life has no purpose and idk what I'm fighting for.

I had a dream about someone stealing all of my silent hill games... prob cause besides for my car and them i have nothing of true value that means anything to me bc I have no people and I'm poor.

I've been stretching out my glasses just one pair. They are starting to get more comfortable.... I'm going to keep stretching them. It's time consuming... and eventually I got to wear the other pair and start stretching them too and make sure the lenses are good quality but one at a time ... I almost stretch them so far I could break them but i have to get them to fit.... cause they are leaving marks on my head and they hurt but they have become increasingly more comfortable so hopefully soon they are perfect. I do see better with them. I just hope I can get them as comfortable as my Ray-Bans. And I hope i don't break them.

I reached out to the rescue too bc I got to get Riley out of this fucking house. I'm going attach a video of what happened yesterday with my mother. She said Riley "got out," she fucking let her run out leaving the fucking door open. Riley is going to become road kill if she doesn't get rehomed. I can't take care of her, putting up my barricade legit saved my thyriod..... and I'm not pushing myself again and having it happen again. The rescue contacted me back. I saved the contact when I reached out last month. Hopefully I can help expedite this. She needs to go.

I think my mother took more xanax today bc she's acting weird but idk. I'm stressed. And I hate the laundry machine being so loud making my fucking hallucination 10x worse. I actually think I'm going to commit suicide soon. I have nothing to live for and I'm sick of hallucinating.

I'm never going to be a someone or matter to anyone. I'll never be a husband or father. And even if Riley leaves, my family didn't care about me enough to rehome her bc of my autoimmune disorder.... and that's going to hurt until the day I die.

[starstar444]

losing weight is actually easy now that i have figured it out. starving yourself works sure but that doesn’t last and then i would just binge purge and the cycle would repeat i was miserable and my throat always hurt and i never felt good after i ate. I decided to focus on eating more whole foods protein rich and no empty calories and it helped me feel so good. I also learned when to give into cravings bc if you don’t allow yourself the foods your craving sometimes then your going to end up eating more than if you just ate the damn cookie instead of some peanuts rice cakes apple then finally caving and eating the cookie.

i eat around 1300 calories 130+ grams of protein and less than 20-30 grams of fat and i always feel like im eating so much food i rarely if ever feel like im starving bc when you eat whole foods you can eat way more i do an hour of cardio everyday (incline walking 3mph speed 6.5-7 incline sometimes running mixed in) and then i do body weight workouts and have 10lb dumbbells i fuck around with

i also just naturally drink a shit ton of water and i think that helps u a lot when trying to lose weight and i do not drink my cals if i do it’s 5 cal sparking flavored water or if im really craving something sweet ill have a few sips of a chocolate milk protein shake

i literally cut out fried foods 90% of the time (if you still want them treat yourself 10% of the time life is about balance) it will also make you less likely to binge. and now i don’t even like them i literally feel sick after eating them now i think that’s partly bc of my eating disorder still and in my head it’s this overwhelming feeling of holy shit i need this out of me i can feel the fat and oil absorbing into my body so i get the urge to purge (but i don’t it’s so bad for you plz don’t do that!!) but also i literally just feel so sluggish and unsatisfied. when i eat food thats good for me it makes me feel full and satisfied but also it gives me energy

you can lose weight without starving and while still enjoying foods you love i’ve lost 6.8lbs in 48 days which maybe you don’t think that’s a lot but coming from someone who was stuck in a binge and purge cycle and restricting and only ever losing to gain it back the next day that is big for me. over the past 48 days i’ve had multiple days where i accidentally binged multiple days where i ate fried foods days where i didn’t work out. and this weight loss is coming from someone who literally never eats under 1,000 cals does not like fruits or vegetables and is eating three square meals a day with plenty of snacks throughout the day. focus on macros focus on moving your body and focus on fueling yourself with good nutrition instead of all empty calories and listen to what your body wants be gentle with yourself progress takes time to see but if you stick with it you will see progress and it will last you longer than starving urself to get there will. ok sorry long rant over please everyone be safe eat something you deserve food and love 🫶

[xx0x1xx]

in order to fix my small boobs i would need to eat more and gain weight. but then if i gain weight i run the risk of not fitting into my clothes that well

alternatively i might fit into my clothes better bc i won’t be a fucking stick and will actually have some shape. idfk i think its just the womanly fear of gaining weight in general that’s holding me back from having nice boobs