#idk where i'm going with this i just wanted to vent
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alteredphoenix · 1 year ago
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It's been a while since I watched the bald eagle cams, but people are still as outlandishly angry now as they were back then when it comes to the ones that feature new, young males that haven't had their mating/brooding instincts kick in yet coming to the nest. Not to mention how utterly stupid some of the viewers are for using human neurological disorders and learning disabilities as reasons as to why they're not mating properly/burying eggs/not incubating.
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when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure
#like I feel like it's conviction. but also when I analyze it... I'm not doing anything sexual??? the stories I'm writing are#ENTIRELY platonic#it's like. found family feels.#but then why do I feel so guilty/convicted over it and feel better/less guilty when I stop writing anything feelsy#like... I guess I'm only allowed to write plot and can't ever write hugs and hurt/comfort anymore#my mom keeps saying I should journal all this instead of venting it at everybody and honestly maybe she's right#idk how to handle this but also I feel like if I just find a holding pattern where I can strike a healthy balance of lile#like* what is correct and healthy for me to enjoy#then the anxiety over it might pass? I don't want to avoid conviction though but like. why am I convicted over#writing a story where someone who's been treated like a monster finds a family who loves them#like.. is it because I'm seeking out whatever that feeling in my lower belly/groin is????#but that's like... so tied up in enjoyment and hurt/comfort to me that idk if I'm ACTUALLY looking for that#or if this is just what I write#and idk if that even is sinful in any way at all!!!#and why can't I just get over this? like I keep going in circles with it and it's so frustrating#idk this is totally tmi I just got hit with this awful feeling after work today and the only thing I can pinpoint it to#is this specific thing I've been writing. but even though yeah I've been getting feelsy with it... it's PLATONIC#ENTIRELY COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL. so like... is it that pleasure feeling that's the thing I'm being convicted over??#probably. bc that's the only thing that eases the feeling of conviction/anxiety/guilt#and also probably no one is reading all these tags lol sorry guys I'll go away now
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tinystepsforward · 3 months ago
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ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".
like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!
on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.
returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body
literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence
#reblogs turned off because obviously i'm already bracing to be pilloried for saying one thing not quite correctly or whatever#and also bc i have zero interest in having this be boosted by trans dudes on their own transandrophobia agenda either#i'm just venting#but frankly the first time i got yelled at for saying that as an intersex person some of the immense violence i experienced as a child#was motivated by transmisogyny#i was a teenager and it was someone a fair bit older than me with more local clout so like. it's been a decade. how is it worse now.#intersex spaces have made SO much progress and yet#also yes i'm femme! i'm femme in a trans way! many dykes who aren't women are!#many of us got more comfortable w it as adults who had gender agency!#in literally the same way it took my wife ages after transitioning to work out she's also butch and doesn't actually want to do femme thing#bc that's a shared experience in how we've navigated the expectations of womanhood before opting out of the parts we don't want!#anyway the lawcomm shit was fucked bc honestl i don't give a shit if someone lost their gonads as an adult in an accident#they should be protected even if they don't consider themselves intersex#and we know that gender as an axis of oppression comes back to the reproduction of the nuclear family#and that cis women who can't have kids sometimes become the political football though ofc not as much by far and like#idk. y'all ever heard about solidarity? sometimes i feel like i'm back in the place where the loudest traumatised person at the party#is yelling at another young woman like “you'll never understand what it's like to be a victim”#when said young woman was assaulted the week before.#a politics that starts by defending and defining oneself w oppression kinda fucking sucks actually#and intersex people stopped policing intersexness by who got mutilated a long time ago#bc actually we want the generations ahead to not get that treatment#and when i see “trans elders” going on about how “if you pass and got on hrt before 18 you're not trans like i am” i'm like. why! what!#anyway. tired.#may regret this. we shall see#tony muses
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smalltimidbean · 5 months ago
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... It really has not been my month...
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lynaferns · 1 day ago
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Haven't looked at any DCA tag in... months now
I don't like the current fanon Sun with the sassyness people give him. It brings me into a depressive state lmao.
(not shaming, I'm just sad that I can't go in the tags anymore without finding most of the art being mean/threatening sun. And all I can do is not go in there anymore)
Well, idk if it toned down by now or if that's the norm now. I don't feel like finding out.
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funkytoesart · 3 months ago
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you can always tell the people who give social media advice who are naturally or conventionally attractive even without even having to look at a photo of them cause they're always the ones that recommend showing your face in reels or videos to promote your art and it's like,,, talk about pretty/skinny privilege lol
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morphestic · 7 months ago
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I miss marching in front hundreds of people, you may be tired and your arms are killing you and your heart is beating out of it's chest from the adrenaline rush but it's okay because at the end, that whole audience is cheering and roaring for you and it's worth it. I miss sitting in front of an audience and performing during concert season, being a nervous wreck as your solo comes up but letting your fingers and mind do their thing and trusting that your efforts will show. I miss music.
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irritablepoe · 1 year ago
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Why can't I have friends that want to talk to me?🥲
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trans-axolotl · 1 year ago
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having a lot of thoughts about eating disorders + how some of us end up developing chronic illnesses directly because of the physical effects of our eating disorders and how Cruel doctors can be about that and just trying to untangle so much shame and blame from that experience rn
#personal#vent#eating disorder tw#disability#idk. i don't quite have the words for this right now but#had another meeting with my doctor where they said yeah its your fault that you are now physically disabled for life#(literally i was chronically ill and physically disabled before i even developed an eating disorder because of CAH and comorbidities but#(they love to ignore that !)#which is like. i do not tie any morality to health and it should just be#a completely neutral statement. that my eating disorder caused other physical complications#they said i'm going to have orthostatic problems the rest of my life.#'since your gastroparesis was caused by your eating disorder that means there is no point in treating it'#which is so funny bc literally every time i see her my dietitan wants me to get a feeding tube! lmfao!!!!#i am actually doing pretty well in recovery in terms of meeting my energy needs through food. but i stopped being able to orally supplement#so my dietitan wants a tube for ARFID nutrient reasons. supplemental nutrition etc etc. and she thinks it will help gastroparesis symptoms#they also think i have osteoporosis and want to test me for that#when i had to use forearm crutches/ wheelchair because of physical ed complications doctors were SO fucking rude even though they were#the ones PRESCRIBING IT!!! like!!! you all are the ones telling me i HAVE to do this!#idk i also have a friend with permanent brain damage. from seizures in the refeeding process#and her doctors are so fucking rude to her all the time.#it makes me so mad
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fridayyy-13th · 4 months ago
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i am feeling So Many Things at the moment but mostly i just feel like a disaster
#friday chats#tw vent#it's like.#new school - far from family - already behind - new crush - really tired - fucking focus would you?! - new show - undone chores#on and on and on#a big ball of highs and lows that - instead of mellowing out into a net positive or negative -#- just make me feel like i'm being pulled in two opposite directions#why can't i just have the good and not the bad#i really wanted to take a gap year to decompress from All Of High School but my parents refused#kind of wish i took it regardless. just ''whoops - missed the application deadline! i'll get it in next year'' and faced their ire#but then i wouldn't have met my new friend at freshman camp#we both were individually interested in the queer orgs on campus and could have still met that way#but idk. it wouldn't have been the same#mostly i'm just worried i'm not cut out for living on my own. being an adult with a job. doing college at all.#not because people who have to rely on others/don't have a job/drop out are supposedly failures#but bc i don't have anybody i could safely fall back on AND live a life that is entirely my own if i don't make it#all i've got is my family. who will judge me for failing and force me to stay in the closet.#and frankly i don't want to live like that#so i have to keep going#but also part of me's like. ''you're ready to throw in the towel only a week in?? for fuck's sake friday come on''#it was just so much. i don't know. i just want to rest. i've been stressed for so long#i want a life where my needs are met and i feel safe and loved. that's all#but NOO i have to get a DEGREE to get a JOB so i can even begin to THINK of something like that#my family always jokes about how one day when i'm successful as an author i'll be super rich and have a private jet or whatever#and yeah that just speaks to how poorly they know me but more importantly IF i make it that big i just want to settle somewhere nice#somewhere cozy. maybe start a garden. get a cat. hold a loved one close at night. that's it really#and it sure would be nice if i could have that without having to bend over backwards getting a degree and a 9-to-5 or w/e#but i can't. so throwing myself at the wall that is my shit executive function it is.
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nugatorysheep · 4 months ago
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Sometimes I think about how, back when the roster was much bigger, me and my old friend group all picked out WTL characters that we thought the others were the most like, and almost universally people thought Druid was the most like me. That probably should've been my first clue that none of them knew a single thing about me, but hindsight is 20/20
I also often think about how, after several days of going through things that had happened to me over the last four or so years, I was told 'You seem like a person who wants to be understood', and it hit me that until then, I had never met someone who ever really got me. Now that I have, I could never settle for less.
#for the record Sven is like two steps away from being my kinsona#like it's almost embarrassing lmao#i think between him and Leo (with his edits over the years) you can find 70-ish percent of what makes up me as a person#idk man I just. People think Im so aggressive and obtuse#and like. yeah when im backed into a corner im not the nicest#but i dont think anyone would be if they're in fight or flight mode and it feels dishonest to judge someone at their most vulnerable#but when im just like.... There and Alive and being my usual nerdy self#which is 99 percent of the time#i am just a Guy in a Room#and people assume the worst of me for it#like damn what about me is so evil and intimidating. please i want to be seen as soft and kind and genuine for once in my life#i wanna be able to express myself without it being seen as an attack or rude or aggressive#it wasnt until recently where i really started noticing this and by extension getting peeved about it#but i've been so mild-mannered and people-pleasing all my life because i was unknowingly compensating for how people view me#and even with all that bending over backwards it never worked anyway because I was still the weirdo at best and the aggressor at worst#And Im *tired* of that. I'm so tired of it.#I cannot in good faith keep trying to be this un-intimidating flower when people are only gonna see thorns regardless#nugget rambles#text.txt#vent tag#I'll go back to regularly scheduled shitposting soon#Also like clarity on Druid: I project some fears and traumas of mine onto him and he means a lot to me#but in terms of personality he is far nicer and resilient than I would ever be under such circumstances#Druid isn't me but he's someone I wish I had in my life when I needed it. He's someone I wish I could be
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musical-chick-13 · 1 year ago
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Always very funny (read: annoying) to me how frequently people will say something like, "Oh, I love fucked-up fictional relationships, I love TOXIC ROMANCE, I need my ships to have Problems™ that would make even the most stoic adult cringe in shame" and then vehemently reject literally any fictional romantic dynamic that involves a woman being horrible.
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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months ago
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honestly i think i feel more comfortable w things like "miss" and other generally more childish ways to talk about. female people? i dunno how to de-age it. anyway what i mean is that gendered expectations & gendered everything vary quite a lot depending on people's ages, and especially (assuming no abuse is going on) there can be kind of a "free pass" for non-conformity when you're a kid, just like there can be a free pass for all sorts of polite social manners until you're too old to like, play in the mud.
if you call me miss, you're playing along, you're being jokingly overly polite to a little kid who is clearly not old enough to need an honorific before their name. it's like you're calling me a teen or an adult. if you call me ma'am you're seeing a woman. you're acknowledging what you see. the primary point has shifted from age to gender. and i don't know if i'm really comfortable being perceived as very much solidly a woman.
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nekrosmos · 6 months ago
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per-the-jellicle-magician · 7 months ago
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Out of all the things I could be discriminated against for at uni I would have never thought dyslexia would be the first one XD
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korattata · 7 months ago
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